All language subtitles for Mr Black s01e05.eng

WALEED ALY: [ON TV] Mark
Strauss, welcome to The Project.

Thank you so much, Waleed,
it's a pleasure to be here.

Congratulations on the
book, but mainly, the career.

I mean, the people that you've
interviewed is extraordinary to list.

Trump, Hillary Clinton, David Cameron...

Do you think he's going bald?

No, he looks amazing.

For someone who's just got off a plane.

I mean, he would've just
flown in from Heathrow.

I'll say it again, I don't
know why you guys broke up.

He wanted to be a foreign correspondent.

And I didn't want a
long-distance relationship.

It wouldn't have worked anyway.

What, you have something
against successful,

good-looking adventurers, do ya?

No, I'm in a relationship with one now.

[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

Working at a hot desk does
not constitute adventure.

Okay, sure, it's not being
shot at, but, you know,

you're exposing yourself to
many times the number of germs

compared with a personal
workstation. Many times.

See, I don't know if you're joking

or being an irredeemable soft-cock.

I've got some almonds to activate.

- Excuse me.
- [GROANS]

Nice one, Dad.

What?

I wasn't the one banging on
about how good Mark looked.

I said he looked good

for someone who'd been
on a plane for 24 hours.

I didn't promote the idea
of getting back with him.

Well, Fin's too sensitive!

It's the anniversary
of his dad's passing

and my ex-boyfriend's coming to visit.

So give him a break.

You give him a break.

I'm sick of giving him breaks.

What'd he die of, disappointment?

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Ah, look, I'm sorry about your dad.

Angie told me it's the
anniversary of his passing.

Thanks.

I'm lucky, you know?

My dad lived until he was 80.

Got to see me reach the
pinnacle of my career,

and get married, and have
a beautiful baby girl, and...

... you really missed out on that.

Have you ever considered
being a grief counsellor?

- Nah, it's more of a hobby. Is it?
- Hmm.

Look, why don't I take
you out for a soy latte?

My shout.

Yeah, I don't think so.

I wanna be home when
Mr Amazing gets here.

Well I've got to take Mr
Amazing off to the newsroom

so I'll be back in plenty of time.

Yeah, look, I'd really prefer just to

hang out here if
it's all the same to you.

It'd be a great bonding experience.

Then we can swing past the garage

and pick up that scooter you wrecked.

That wasn't my fault.

Really?

Because...

... according to
this security footage...

... uh, yes, it was.

You tricked me into pressing
drive when I was trying to reverse.

That does not come through
in the footage, does it?

- It's on a loop.
- Yeah, I noticed.

- It's on a little loop.
- Thank you for doing that.

Ow. 3,000 views there.

Oh, yeah? How many of those are yours?

Haven't put it online yet.

Listen, I'm not even asking
you to pay for the repairs,

I simply need someone to help
me load it onto a trailer.

Is that too much to ask?

- [SIGHS] Fine.
- Hmm?

- Pardon?
- Yes, fine.

- Great. Great.
- I'll come.

Who was the last Australian men's
singles champion at Wimbledon?

- Lleyton Hewitt.
- Mm-hm.

Whose comeback album, Whispering Jack...

John Farnham.

Impressed. Alright, who am I?

Born November 26th...

Australian comedian
Dave "Hughesy" Hughes.

No, It was West Indian
wicket-keeper batsman,

- Ridley Jacobs.
- Really?

No, it actually was Dave Hughes.

- How did you know?
- Thank you very much!

Alright, let me ask you a
question about my generation.

Who am I?

I was born in White Plains,
New York, May 14, 1984.

No?

I attended Harvard University

and launched a social networking
service from my dormitory room.

I founded Facebook.

And my last name is Zuckerberg.

- Hold that thought.
- Okay.

Ah, bugger me!

Gary's up in Wang looking
after his sick mum.

Coming back to me now.

No, he said he would leave
the key under the metal bin.

OK.

We have to go over the
gate to get to the key.

I would, but I can't on
account of my Ankylosing...

- spondylitis.
- Spondylitis. Oh, yeah, I know.

The repairs to that scooter
were over $2,000.

You go over that gate and get
the key, we'll call it even.

Again, not my fault, but whatever.

See? That's the spirit.

Here we go. Alright. Now, just
be very careful up there, OK?

There you go. Put your toe up there.

Good boy. Alright, keep going up.

- Very high.
- Okay.

Now, just watch out,
there's barbed wire up there.

Don't wanna take you back to
Angela with a shredded ball bag.

[GROANS] Filthy.

OK, can you see the bin? The metal bin?

- Yep.
- Alright, that's where the key is.

Okay.

- Doing great, mate.
- Oh, boy.

Up and over.

Yeah, be very careful
of that barbed wire.

- Yep.
- Watch your balls!

- Ooh, okay.
- Alright, there we go.

- [SIGHS]
- Well done, Fin.

- Good job.
- [GRUNTS]

Ah, look, one thing I
did neglect to mention...

[DOGS SNARL AND BARK]

... they can smell a chai
drinker from a mile off!

- Get help! Get help!
- [LAUGHS]

They're not even real
dogs, you snowflake!

- It's a tape recording!
- [SNARLS AND BARKS CONTINUE]

Gary's way too much of a tight-arse

to spring for real dogs.

[LAUGHS]

It sounded very realistic.

Very realistic.

Wow.

This is definitely the
bloke-iest room I've ever been in.

Oh, don't worry, snowflake.
We'll have you out of here,

sipping lattes out of
avocados in no time.

[SCOFFS] The reception in here is
terrible. They don't have Wi-Fi.

How can they not have
Wi-Fi? It's a business.

Because men work here, not
boys. They don't need Wi-Fi.

Now stop crying and help me with
the scooter. I need to get back.

[CREAKS, SLAMS]

Now, that is a deadlock and
that is the only way out.

So, I am assuming that
you have got the key.

I don't have the key,
do you have the key?

I don't have the freaking key.
You were responsible for the key.

What happened to the little ladder
that was propping open the door?

Oh, little ladder.

Why'd you grab the little ladder?

It was clearly propping the door open.

'Cause I assumed that you had the key,

considering you were
in possession of it.

- Where is it if you don't have it?
- It's in the lock

on the other side of the door.

- Oh, you are awesome.
- You are.

- You are.
- You are, you...

- You are.
- [SIGHS]

- Who you calling?
- Angela.

Oh. Yeah, no reception.
Can you try yours please?

I'll check.

Oh, great, no bars.

Zero.

- Help!
- Help!

Help us please!

Help! Please, help!

Mark, where are ya? Help!

Better not miss Mark's speech.

Oh, Mark's speech is
the least of our worries.

Well, what's the bigger
worry than Mark's speech?

- Mark just being alone with Angela.
- I did not hear a word of that.

Angela having sexual
intercourse with Mark!

Hey, you're right.

You do have bigger worries
than Mark's speech. [CHUCKLES]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

- Hi.
- Hi!

Oh! Lip kissing.

Yeah, I'm a lip kisser
now. That's right.

I lip kiss all my friends.
It's just something I do.

- Ah, maybe don't lip kiss Dad.
- Yeah.

No, good call. Horses for courses.

- Thank you. They're beautiful.
- Yeah.

No worries. Look at this!

Come on in.

Ah, very nice. Eclectic.

You cut your hair.

You no longer look like
one of The Veronicas.

[CHUCKLES] No.

No, I've gone for more of
a Ruby Rose-type situation.

- What do you think?
- Oh, it suits you.

Thank you.

Dad should be home any minute.

He's really looking
forward to your speech.

Yeah? Is he still threatening
to beat everyone up?

Yes, but that's now tempered by the fact

that he has a degenerative bone disease.

Maybe don't act too
shocked when you see him.

And your mum? How's she?

Living it up on the Gold Coast
with a new man we don't talk about.

Talking of new men...

... is that your boyfriend?

- Yeah, Fin.
- Okay.

He's in advertising.

Ah, that's a...

... hey, look, there's no shame in
selling out. There really isn't.

It certainly beats being
held hostage by the Taliban.

Like this idiot.

That was dark.

Am I detecting some male
pattern baldness there?

No.

Why is everyone obsessed with baldness?

Sorry, just being a dick.

MR BLACK: You know who wouldn't
have got us in this situation?

Mark.

Oh, yeah, he would've had his
satellite phone with him, wouldn't he?

And be calling his SAS
mates to bust us out.

Mate, you don't become one of the
world's finest foreign correspondents

by locking your girlfriend's
father in a garage, do ya?

You think I wanna be here?

The only reason I accompanied you

was because you said it
would be the bonding thing.

How do you reckon that's going?

- Fabulous.
- But it's nothing personal, alright?

If you had a daughter and
she turned up with you,

you would be concerned too.

MARK: Brexit leader
Nigel Farage was easily

the most entertaining interview.

And we actually got quite close

until I broke the story
about his mistress.

- Ooh.
- Yeah, uh-oh.

But, Ange, you know me.

If it's a choice between
friendship and the story,

the story always wins.

I was having a post-interview
beer with David Cameron

two days before the referendum
and he turns to me and he says,

"Mark, this whole thing goes
belly up, what should I do?"

And I said, "Prime Minister,
do you want me to lie to you?

"Or do you want me to
tell you the truth?"

And he turns to me dead
serious and he said,

and I'll never forget this, he says,

"Mark, call me Dave."

- He did not?
- He did.

[LAUGHS]

Have I ever told you the
time I played Truth Or Dare

with Wendi Deng and Tony Blair?

Where'd you get that?

The fridge.

Sorry, mate, there's none left.

Can I have a bite?

No, mate.

[CHEWS LOUDLY]

Think you could chew any louder?

What time is it?

- 3:20.
- [GROANS]

If Gary's not here in 15,
I'm gonna miss Mark's speech.

And I specifically bought
his book, best seller...

... so he could sign it.

Yeah, well, I'm sure
you'll get your chance.

He's staying with us, isn't he?

That's right, he is too, isn't he?

Well, I hope we get back in time

to make sure he sleeps on the couch...

... by himself.

I thought you said there were no more.

I brought this one from home.

MARK: People think I've
got some incredible ability

to convince political
leaders to talk to me.

But all I do is think outside the box.

With Kim Jong-un, I sent
him some Swiss cheese.

He loves Swiss cheese.

How do I know he loves
Swiss cheese? Googled it.

I think you're underselling
your research ability.

Yeah. Yeah, you're probably right.

Because I've then called Dennis
Rodman and he confirmed it.

One day I will find out
why those two are friends.

Sorry, I'm just wondering
where the hell Fin and Dad are.

[TOILET FLUSHES]

[LADDER CRASHES]

Fin! Fin!

Riddle me this.

Who gets locked in a garage
with no way out

and decides, "Wait a minute,
I might have a poo here"?

A poo is not a thing you decide to do!

A poo has a mind of its own.

Yeah, well, real men
can control their bowels.

Real men don't get locked in
garages. You know what, real men...

Real men don't live with their daughters

and ride around on motards.

Whoa, that hit below the belt.

Well, just take your time,
mate. I can hang here all day.

It's not like I've got Ankylosing
spondylitis or anything.

- Do you have Ankylosing spondylitis?
- Yep.

I had no idea, you should
bring that up more often.

Oh, get on with it!

Alright, alright.

Easy, easy, easy.

[GROANS]

- Easy.
- Ah!

- Oh, what is that?
- It's my nose. That's my nose.

- Get it off!
- Easy, easy!

Alright, nearly there.

Nearly there.

Two more.

- [GROANS]
- There you go.

There we go.

- Yeah, no worries.
- Yeah, least I could do.

DIANA: Folks, as you are well aware,

most of you are a disappointment to me.

- No, not true.
- [CHUCKLES]

But someone who is not a disappointment

is our old colleague, Mark Strauss.

Would you please make him welcome.

- Thank you, Mark.
- Thank you. Uh...

First of all, just wanna say
that the education I got here

with you beautiful people,

provided the best possible platform

for me to write this book, Marking Time.

There it is.

So, from the bottom of my heart,

I wanna say thank you to each
and every single one of you.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Round of applause for you guys, please.

- [APPLAUSE]
- Nice save, pretty boy.

Dad! Thought I told
you to stay in the car!

[LAUGHTER]

But particularly,

I wanted to thank legendary
sports columnist Mr Peter Black.

Where is Mr...

Not here? Okay. That's alright.

He took me under his wing
when no one else gave a shit

- and I'll never forget that.
- He doesn't care about you.

You know what? I reckon you've
got a book in you too, Tom.

Except that's where it should stay.

- Am I right?
- [LAUGHTER]

Dad, where the hell are you?

Mark just thanked you
in front of everyone.

And finally, I wanna thank Angela.

My Ange.

We had fallen deeply in love

and we were talking
about marriage and kids

when I got the phone call to
say, "You're going to Europe."

Not at any stage did she
suggest that I not go.

She has been a pillar of
support for me the entire time

and for that I am forever
in your debt, Angela.

Thank you.

She let you go 'cause she
wanted to get rid of you.

You know what, Tom? I
like making my speeches

the same way you like having sex, alone.

[LAUGHTER]

That's it. That's it from
me. That's it. Thank you.

- Thank you. Appreciate it. Thank you.
- [APPLAUSE]

Mark would've just
finished addressing staff.

Can you be quiet, please?
I'm concentrating.

He was definitely the
paper's best writer.

How's your writing coming along?

It's not really writing, though, is it?

Oh, yeah, I actually
call it um... writing.

'Cause until they come
up with another word

that means the same thing as writing,

I'm kinda stuck calling it writing.

Yeah, a good writer could've
come up with another word, but...

If we don't find a way out of here
or Gary doesn't come back soon,

you realise we'll be
spending the night here?

I've made peace with it.

I'm gonna catch pneumonia.

We'll be fine. You're just
worried about Mark and Angela.

You know, if your love is strong enough,

then you've got nothing to worry about.

And if it's not, and I fear it's not,

then best you find out
sooner, rather than later.

Well, our love is pretty strong.

Mate, if your relationship was
running in the Melbourne Cup,

I wouldn't want it in
the bloody office sweep.

Hang about.

Mark's used the exact same
quote to describe Rex Tillerson

as I used to describe Greg
Chappell in my 1998 biography,

The Backfoot Drive!

- What'd he say?
- Oh.

He says, "Don't cry because it's
over, smile because it happened."

That sounds like something
I've heard before.

That's because I wrote
it and it's iconic.

It's ingrained in the nation's
psyche and he bloody knows it.

So, he's gone from being
the paper's best writer

to the paper's best plagiarist.

Oh, bugger this. Let's get out of here

so I can give that pretentious
pissant a piece of my mind.

Oi! Come and bloody
help us, you bastards!

- Hello?!
- Help us, you bastards.

Somebody!

MARK: There you go.

Thank you.

You called the cops?

And all the hospitals.

Trump was interesting.

I was the first one to coin
the phrase "Hair Force One"

for a think piece in the New York Post.

One of his aides read it,
thought it was hilarious

and all of a sudden I'm
travelling with the campaign.

Mark, I love your stories...

Thank you.

... but I'm just a little
bit distracted right now.

Yeah, of course.

I missed you while I was away.

Me too.

- Whoa.
- Hmm?

What are you doing?

Thought there was a vibe.

My boyfriend and my father
are missing, possibly dead,

and you thought there was a vibe?

That's correct. Yep.

Hey, I'm... Ange, I'm
good with rejection.

Robert Mugabe rejected me

when I first approached
him for an interview.

And you know what turned him around?

Tim Tams.

I'm not gonna be turned
around by Tim Tams.

OK. Well, that's...

... you're better than Robert Mugabe.

FIN: Dad and I became estranged
in the last year of his life.

Oh, 'cause he thought
you were a soft-cock?

In a way.

He wanted me to take over the farm,

but I wanted to write.

Then he became sick and
deteriorated really quickly.

Mum said I should call
him to say goodbye.

I... I didn't.

I cheated on Angela's mum.

That's why we broke up.

[LIGHTS CLICK]

That'll be the timer.

Alright, let's get some sleep.

Yep.

Leave the light on, please.

Bogeyman?

And clowns.

[SIGHS]

I wonder what Angela's doing right now.

Anyway...

... sweet dreams.

Goodnight.

[DOOR CLOSES]

[SIGHS]

[CHUCKLES]

Yes? Did you call me?

No.

[SNORES]

[SOBS]

Any news?

No.

What are you up to?

What does it look like I'm up to?

Making pancakes, 'cause that's
what we do every Saturday.

And wherever they are,
alive or God forbid, dead,

that's what they want me to do.

[SNIFFS]

Come here.

[SIGHS]

Come here.

[DOOR RATTLES OPEN]

MAN: [CHUCKLING] It is.

[CLAPS] Up the friggin'
daisies, boys. Come on.

Ah, thank God. Gary.

Mate, what are you doing here?

Oh, just mixing shit up.

And someone left the key in the door.

And someone took away the little ladder

that was chocking open the door.

So, you know what, boys?

Next time you lock yourselves in,

there's a green button next to the door.

Give it a push and it releases the lock.

[BUZZ!, CLANK!]

[SIGHS]

RECORDING: Hi, this is Fin.
Sorry I missed your call.

I really am quite sorry.

- [HORN HONKS]
- Please leave me a message.

Where the hell have you been?

Short answer, Fin stuffed up again.

Mr Black! How are you?

I don't shake hands with plagiarists.

Excuse me?

You stole my, "Don't
cry because it's over,

"smile because it happened," line.

What are you talking about?
It's a Dr Seuss quote.

Did you not know it
was a Dr Seuss quote?

Did you think you thought of it?

No, if it is a Dr Seuss quote,
I'm not conceding that it is,

I'm pretty sure that I thought
of it independently of him.

I'm pretty sure you didn't.

Well, I'm pretty sure you're a dickhead.

I'm pretty sure, you and I,
we're gonna get through this.

I'm pretty sure we won't.

I'm just grateful that Angela's
finally found a decent man like Fin.

- Pete...
- Mr Black.

Fin, this is Mark.

Mark, Fin.

Righto, full disclosure,

I tried to make a move
on Angela last night

but you'll be pleased to
know, she remained steadfast.

Oh, thanks very much.

Maybe I was trying to do you a favour.

- Really?
- Yes.

Everything great about
hanging out with Ange

is mitigated by old buggerlugs
trying to hang about,

trying to neg you all the time.

- Huh, thought it was just me.
- No.

You know Dad gives everyone shit.

Well, yeah. But he makes it so personal.

Yeah, that's his superpower.

He tried to fight me and shoot me.

And I don't mind saying,

I've saved that bastard's
life more than once.

But then when Ange and I broke
up, suddenly he wants to be mates.

[CHUCKLES]

I'm just so glad you're back.

- I missed you so much.
- Aw, I missed you too.

I've got about six hours
to kill before my flight.

Do you guys wanna get a beer?

No, but I could murder a pinot.

We have a lot to celebrate.

Hey, Dad...

... we're gonna get a
beer, do you wanna come?

- MR BLACK: Mark going?
- Yes.

Bugger that for a joke.

Probably trying to figure
out how to sue Dr Seuss.

[ALL CHUCKLE]

- Could use a trip down the rub a dub.
- Oh, here he comes.

Doesn't mean I've forgiven anyone,
though. Don't ever touch me.

Apparently they've got a
new Argentinean Melbourne...

Mm, Argentinean.

How'd the speech go?

Yeah, good. Thanks,
mate. Got a few laughs.

- Thought you might get a few laughs.
- Yeah.

You mention me?

How do you think I got the laughs?

No one likes a smart-arse, mate.

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