Original subtitles

What's going on, my man?

I have to go to the breast room. I mean, rest room. Be right back.

Yes, Napoleon. I know you're hungry.

Well, you can get ready for a feast.

I don't know how we survived all of that horrible food.

Until I decided to do something about my cuisine.

We're much better off now, though.

And if this marvel does its job, it will get even better.

That classless jerk won't hold us back anymore.

Oh, man. You still ain't got it. You're still flunking cool.

You've got to first feel the music.

I can't understand that, Rosie. How can I feel music?

You got to make like you're a willowy tree

and the music is a breeze and it's blowing you all over the place.

Hi there, fellas!

What do you call that thing?

I didn't have to call it at all. The little critter just followed me here.

Yeah? Looks good! Better than this crap.

You wouldn't have any mustard there, would you?

No, I don't.

Gee, what I'd give for a good old baloney and cheese.

How about it, Roosevelt? You could look at it like first aid.

Come on, Philip, what do you say? It's a good swap, no?

That junk sandwich for this delicacy?

Sir, I remember those things in the army.

I don't ever want anything to do with crabs!

So anyway, I get her inside, see...

I'm thinking to myself, "If this doesn't do it, nothing will."

I got a chance to see her in a new light, you know, one of them black ones.

And from a different viewpoint, with mirrors overhead.

I'm looking for a spark.

And I got all kinds of...

...explosives, right?

See, you know what that wife of mine does?

I mean, here's a $50 room, Sam, decorated in contemporary erotica,

and sex films on TV...

and she goes to the set, and she turns it to some talk show,

and she's asleep by the first commercial.

Why?

Why?! Because she's an idiot. That's why Sam!

- No, I mean... - What do you mean?

How can you defend somebody like that?

I mean, why are you telling me? What the hell do I care?

You got to care, Sam. What kind of bartender are you?

Hey, June!

I don't want to have to talk to every jerk in here with a sad story.

See that license up there? That's a liquor license,

not a shrink license.

See if you can fix that bell. I can't keep track of business without it.

That's Charlie Farrell!

He said he knew me but I didn't recognise him upright.

Upright, see!

What do you suppose a man who packs such a fancy lunch

would work in a dump like this.

Got me, man! Sam don't serve no martinis.

Hey, you guys don't really think I go for that crab crap do you?

It's awful!

But that's all my wife ever makes me lately anymore.

I can't remember the last time I had something good to eat.

- Hello there! - Hello!

Come right in, I'm just fixing the tinkler.

Hey! Hi there, Sam.

Better make it a double.

Just don't tell me why.

- You know what it was today? - Tuesday.

It just keeps getting worse and worse.

Yeah, it's been pretty hot.

Why does she do it to me? Why?

It's for my own good, she says.

Does she ask me? She knows I hate it.

She calls it a cultural experience, a hobby.

Why can't she have a hobby like painting eggs?

- Haemorrhoids! - She could do with sitting on a pillow.

My haemorrhoids. That's why I had to take this job standing up.

Didn't I ever tell you about my haemorrhoids?

They get really bad when it's humid, you know.

Oh, it's you.

You expecting someone from the health department maybe?

Any man would do.

I just vacuumed the chairs, don't sit down with those grimy clothes.

You'd better get ready for dinner.

Ah, the antidote!

We're having a Parisian specialty,

and you know you can't keep that waiting.

You better be here when the microwave rings.

This is it, May. Enough's enough!

It has to cook a few more minutes. I'll call you when it's time to calve.

So sit down! You waiting for it to cool off?

This really looks great, May. It really does.

It even matches the chairs.

You know, when it comes to cooking you'd make a great decorator.

It's veau cordon bleu.

Come on, you sap, it's veal. One of your favourites.

Somehow it loses something in the translation.

No use, May, I've already seen it.

Relax, I've turned the lights off.

The right kind of food deserves the right kind of atmosphere.

- Oh, oh! - Holy cow!

What kind of atmosphere is this?

When I said your food belonged in hell, I...

That's really terrific, May!

We have plenty of cocktails though, in case a bunch of people drop in.

So the match fell out of my hand. Anybody can make a mistake.

Now where were we?

Who knows, the mood might give you ideas.

I've got an idea all right. But I think it's against the law.

What are you grumbling about?

Oh, nothing dear, just talking to myself.

You're a walking contraceptive! You know that?

I can't remember the last time you were romantic with me.

I remember...

It was April 1962.

It was a Thursday afternoon. It was raining out.

Some men, you should know, still find me attractive.

How should I know them? I didn't attend the braille institute.

Why aren't you eating?

That's like asking men why they climb mountains? Because it's there.

It's delicious!

Why can't you fix something simple anymore?

I wake up in the middle of the night

dreaming about food I can eat with my hands.

You don't know anything about being a connoisseur!

You don't know how to enjoy life.

Napoleon eats better than you do!

You know, May, you're right.

Ooh mamma, you be in good hands.

What do you say, baby, you want to feel my hard hat?

- Anything else hard I can offer you? - Are you addressing yourself to me?

Hey, I'd be glad to. Where should I send myself?

Say, I've seen you around someplace before doll, n'est-ce pas ?

I don't think so, but they keep the lights so low at most parties I'm invited to.

Yeah, but I never forget a face.

Hey, I get it. I must've seen you around here someplace.

That's cool, I can dig a chick that goes for the brawny muscular type.

There's a few of us around here.

So what are you guys building here?

It's going to be a skyscraper.

You want to see it rise?

That's so interesting. You know, I've always been so fascinated

about what men can do starting with a simple two by four.

Two by four? Hey baby, mine's bigger than that.

Construction workers are so healthy and strong!

Like that one over there... Do you know him?

Yeah, nice guy!

Nice? He's beautiful.

Yeah, beautiful personality too.

Say, you want to meet him? Come on...

Hey, friend. I see you got the drift, ah?

Here...

Atta boy. Good, huh?

You know, I've told you a million, billion, trillion times,

don't do that, you son-of-a-bitch.

Ooh, you know how it makes me break out in a rash.

Now I know where I've seen them... er you!

What's your friend allergic to, anyway?

I thought I was seeing things and now I'm seeing them again.

Come on and plant yourself a while, wild flower.

Well, OK. Do you think I'm a nice person?

Well, of course I do, honey child.

You don't think I make a play for every lady who comes by here, do you?

You got chemistry.

It's just that usually men are only after one thing.

Yeah, how do they choose?

What do you say, Donald? I see you're making out OK too, huh?

Come on, lady! You're only crossing the street, not the great plains!

You know, you remind me of my mother-in-law... at her funeral!

What am I in a hurry for? More of May's dog crap?

This ain't a bar. It's a goddamn cathouse, a confessional and a hotel.

Hey!

May, why don't you go sit on a thumb-tack?

Why don't you go home and tell her that?

What? Who? Where?

Oh... yeah... yeah, I think I will.

Ah, what a nice pussy.

Pussy, pussy, pussy.

I'm going to kill that idiot!

I want a baloney and cheese sandwich for dinner,

and I want it served in the garage.

Where have you been?

You got my order.

Your order? You've got your nerve!

What do you think you're doing, coming home drunk

and asking for a peasant sandwich?

I've slaved over that microwave all afternoon!

I didn't come home drunk. I've been drunk all day.

Unless that ring is the toaster, you know what you can do with it?

Remember what we did last in 1962?

Now get me that baloney and cheese!

Why, you ungrateful beast. Get to that table!

You're getting what I had, spinach truffade.

Oh no, I hope it isn't catching. This is terrible!

You're talking about my dinner!

That is terrible!

Oh my God!

You pig!

If I'm a pig then this should look like a sty.

Don't you dare mess up my house! Don't you dare! Stop it!

Stop it!

What are you doing with that vacuum? Leave that bag in there!

No wonder this place is so clean, May. All the dirt is in here!

Well, I can fix that!

How about that, huh? How about that?

Donald, there is something bothering you. Isn't there?

You know, May, you have a definite grasp for the obvious.

I can't understand what's bothering you, Donald.

That's what's bothering me. Look at it, will you!

Tell me it doesn't look like something someone already ate three days ago.

Oh, no, don't start that again!

It's a delicacy, and it's cheap and it really helps my food money go far.

Yeah? Well, I'll make it go far. I'll make it go far!

Watch this!

Wait! You're not going to throw out my food!

I'm not going to wait for it to kill me!

You won't have to wait for that, you moron, because I'll kill you first!

From now on, I'm not worrying about you.

I'll only worry about feeding myself.

Ooh.

I don't remember leaving a wake-up headache.

Ooh.

Meter man! Here to check your juice!

Hey, May, will you hurry up?! Where's my breakfast?

I'm running late, you know.

Come on, May, it's empty!

What a lucky break!

Well, I'm leaving.

Jesus, I'm going to this thing. I'm starving.

Maybe there's something in the microwave.

Oh, May's in the microwave.

M... M... May...

...is... in the microwave?

Oh well, that's the way she would've wanted to go.

But she hasn't gone yet.

She's in there!

Oh brother!

A jumbo-jack! My favourite thing, hot meat! Mm-mm.

Excuse me, excuse me!

Oh, how the hell are you guys?

OK, What the hell's the matter with you?

I thought I'd lower myself and partake in some of this pedestrian food.

Wow, this looks great.

It is so dismal to view someone in the act of committing suicide.

- Is it not? - It is indeed, Philippe.

What's going to happen when your giddy-up gourmet finds out about that?

We will surely miss your sparkling company.

If you're referring to May, I don't worry about her anymore.

She pushed me one bite too far.

We're getting separated. In fact, we're already far, far apart.

Ain't that great news, Philip?

This poor underfed cat can plan his own meals hereafter.

That was close! What a heads-up play.

Look at all that stuff. Incredible!

She had enough stuff here to feed all the foreign legions.

Now...

...out with it all! I've got to make room for May.

I don't want her any more spoiled than she already was.

Going to make room for May.

Got to make room for May!

Plenty of room for you now, May!

And now, a special programme

brought to you by Acme Bail Bonds, Crime Busters!

A reminder that language on the following programme,

because of the sensitive, expressive, well, shit, downright filthy nature,

has been strictly edited.

Good evening, this is Dodge Chaser and you're welcome.

Our guest tonight is Brian Lewis, the noted criminologist

who refutes the idea of such a thing as a perfect crime.

Mr Lewis, what the fuck do you mean?

Simply this, Dodge, bitch

hasn't been born who can conceive a perfect crime.

It's too fucking hard.

Well, actually, that's not totally correct.

A few years ago there was a celebrated heist in England

which no prick could solve.

- You mean dick? - Semantics.

Are we going to get hung up on that,

or continue with this horse-shit?

Anyway, half a million dollars worth of caviar was stolen.

The thief was never caught. You see, he ate all the evidence.

But unless you eat all traces of the crime,

there's no way to goddamn perfect.

It's all a of shit!

What are you doing, doggy?

Get away!

There's nothing there! Go on, shoo! Shoo!

Napoleon, she had to call him.

I'm going to kick him in his bald part.

Oh, well.

So long as I'm up, guess it's better than nothing.

Hey, that's pretty good stuff!

Yeah, not bad!

I may have underestimated May's taste.

I've never tasted anything so unique.

May!

Well, it looks as though our culinary refugee

has found a tasty morsel he can appreciate.

Hey, what say, swinger?

That don't look like no basic, simple food to me.

Well, it is!

Would you look at the size of that?

Please don't try to tell me it's a drumstick.

No, it's something new I've been trying, you know.

Something tender and easy to prepare with the minimum of effort.

That's all I ever wanted.

Now will you guys leave me alone?

Yeah, hey, that don't look bad at all.

Are you just going to let us drool here?

How about a little taste, huh?

- You want to try it? - Yeah, sure.

Say, this is fantastic!

I've never tasted anything like it.

- You like it? - Sure, give me that back!

- You guys really like it? Really? - Yeah, man.

Hey, Donald, this is a tummy turn-on, man!

You've got to tell us what it is.

Oh, no. Absolutely not. You really like it?

You know, I've got a lot more. I can bring some in tomorrow.

We can look forward to having this every day.

Yes, but to tell you the truth, this meat is a little tough and old.

I'll take care of that, don't worry.

I still haven't perfected a way to prepare it.

It'll be better next time.

Let me tell you something, Sam.

Let me tell you something. You can spill your drink, I don't mind.

But don't spill your heart out to me again. It's too late.

Oh no, Sam, it's nuttin' like that.

I just want to say, it's great to be here.

To have a place to stay late into the night

with someone as nice as you.

You're a great guy, Sam.

You never learn, do you?

You think there's anything left that I don't know?

Quit distracting the paying customers.

Don't say that word. It makes me so excited.

- There's the door. Use it. - You're a real son-of-a-bitch.

If you were the last John on earth I wouldn't let you near me.

Thank you. Now beat it.

Oh, Miss, I hate to bother you,

but I don't think it was very nice of Sam to throw you out like that.

Don't sweat it, sweetie. He threw me out as nice as he could.

I mean, just because you were being friendly to other customers,

that's no reason to be kicked out.

Believe me, nobody asked me if I minded.

- What happened? - A midget sawed off the heel.

What do you think? It broke.

I can see how that could happen.

You're not used to being on your feet too much.

Nobody has offered to take me off them tonight... yet.

Say, you know, you look so much better in the dark.

So do you.

Maybe you know an even darker place where we could go and, er...

...admire each other?

You and me?

Oh, I mean...

Oh, I...

I never... I mean... at least not in a long time.

Wow... you and me?

I wouldn't know what to do with a beautiful young girl like you.

I don't give lessons.

Maybe we could chat here for a while until it starts coming back to me.

Hey, I think I felt something. See, it's happening already.

I thought it was supposed to happen a little lower than that.

Say, listen, let's not stand here and talk.

It might look like we're bargaining and it's a terrible business image.

We could go to my house? I live near here.

And then we could take care of that tear in your skirt there.

OK?

What's your name, sweetie?

- Donald. What's yours? - Dee Dee Dee.

My mother wanted to name me Delia but she stuttered.

Oh!

Hey, have you ever screwed in 3D?

I'll be right with you.

Wednesday is laundry day, you know.

Yeah, yeah.

So far it's been...

...making the bed day, vacuuming the rug day,

taking out the garbage day, walking the dog day,

and defrosting the freezer day.

What the hell do you do with the rest of your week?

All right sweetie, come here.

Say, you know it's been a long time since I puffed these pillows.

I know the perfect way to beat the dust out of them.

What's wrong, Donald?

What do you want me to do?

French? Greek? Japanese?

You name it, I'll do it.

Hey, I've always preferred Yugoslavian.

You wouldn't happen to do any Yugoslavian tricks, would you?

That's it, you've been gonged, buster.

I don't know why it has taken so long to humour you.

All this effort's given me a huge appetite.

As long as nothing is going on here. I'm going to go feed myself.

I haven't had one of these since 1962.

Mm.

At times a cigarette tastes perfect.

But is this for after sex or before dinner?

This is hard work. Now I know why I gave up sex.

I'm so hungry I could eat a whore.

Hey, you know, that was a great game, guys.

Hey, let's go get something to eat.

Hello!

Anybody home?

May I have your order please?

Go ahead, Dad.

Er, let down your hair, unbutton your blouse,

hike up your skirt, stick out your tongue,

and a coke!

And a coke!

Oh hi, May. How are you?

I hate to tell you this

but looking at you first thing every morning for 30 years

was shocking enough.

Besides, I've got to rearrange things. make room for Dee Dee Dee.

Sorry, May.

Listen, I came in for some household items.

You wouldn't happen to have any six foot cookie sheets, would you.

No, sir. We're fresh out of that popular size.

Well, how about some elephant sized cooking bags?

You know, the dumbo size.

You've got to have ten gallon mason jars. You have that, don't you?

Are you some kind of nutter or something?

Get out of here! I've got a business to run.

Every kind of creep comes in here.

Hello, coastguard? Coast clear? Good.

It's you again. Well, we're closed.

There's another one.

Oh, that feels kinky.

Hi, do you have any eggs for my basket. Or coins?

Hey, er... is this for real?

Kid, you're really fowled up there.

I'm an artist. At the moment this is my stage.

I hate to tell you, but this is chicken-shit.

You shouldn't be doing this sort of thing.

You're too good-looking a chick to go around looking like a chick!

I have to eat, and this pays for a few worms.

That's terrible. What time do you get off?

Let me take you away from all this.

I'd love to have you over for dinner.

What? What is this? A pick up?

I'm not that kind of chicken.

The finger-licking good place is down the street.

Oh, no, I didn't mean that.

I mean, you look like you need a friend

and I'm a very helpful guy. Come on, what do you say, huh?

I thought you were a leg man, not a breast man.

Oh, that tickles!

When are we going to eat?

Soon, I hope.

But the meat first has to be prepared.

So, shouldn't you be doing it?

I thought I was.

What a great deal. I never had so much cluck for a...

I really don't know where to begin, Doc.

I've always been sort of a normal fella. You know, just an ordinary Joe.

It's true, I haven't had sex in about 15 years,

but there's a lot of that going around.

My wife used to say I was insane

because I wouldn't eat anything I couldn't pronounce.

When I get really bored I like to drive around

and see how many squashed dogs I can count on the freeways.

But none of that makes me crazy, does it?

But there have been a lot of changes in me since May left.

I mean, I've never had it so good.

I eat what I want.

And I've been scoring some really nice people.

But the thing is, the two things are one and the same.

Sure I'm happy to be sexually active again.

But I think there's something unusual about what turns me on.

I just had to talk to somebody about it.

I thought I'd see my priest and confess

but he does everything by the book,

and I don't think he can look this one up.

You see, women didn't excite me until I started to, well...

Er, I couldn't make it with them

unless I imagined, let's say, consuming them afterwards.

Other guys complain about having to take a girl home for dinner,

then screwing her.

Well, I have to have her for dinner after I screw her.

There.

It's out. I feel so much better.

Gee, it's great to have finally someone to tell to.

Thanks, Doc!

Hey, Doc! Doc!

Oh yes, yes...

Yes, I heard nothing that sounded irregular.

What seems to be the problem?

The problem is I can't make love to a woman unless I eat her.

Why not? This is the age of liberation. A time of romantic sophistication.

If it helps you achieve a higher plateau of stimulation,

well, by the great Gatsby, go down on her!

But you don't understand, Doc. I must do hideous things to her.

Nonsense, there's nothing hideous about compatible love.

- If it feels good, man, just do it! - Are you sure?

Of course! She'll be grateful. She'll lose her head over you.

And she'll satiate your appetite.

And she'll give and give of herself until there's nothing left to give.

Wow. Gee, thanks, Doc.

Now, let's see what we've wrought here.

Mm, yummy! I think I'll call it 'filet of femme'.

Wow, look at this. I'll either have to eat more or screw less.

Oh wow, this is getting weird!

Oh, jeez. Better not be another encyclopedia salesman.

All right, all right!

- Where's May? - Beats me.

- What do you want, anyway? - From you I want nothing.

I haven't heard from May in days. I've been calling but there's no answer!

The phone's out of order.

May's fine. I'm fine. The dog's fine. So goodbye, Evelyn.

I came here to see my sister and I'm going to see my sister.

All right, you want to see her? Well...

What was that?

Here she is!

Er, I've been teaching Napoleon to wash his own dishes.

- But he's all paws. - So what else is new? Where's May?!

Damn you. I'll go get her, all right?

That lazy bum can't do anything.

If you want to see May you'll have to come back here.

Shh! She's asleep.

Probably over exhausted

trying to figure out what to do with the left over cordon Parisienne.

Don't say anything bad about her you cad.

I don't know how she puts up with you.

See. Are you happy now?

Do you think she's all right? She looks awful pale.

Oh, you poor dear...

Oh great! Just great!

What am I going to do with this thing?

No, no way. Not her!

You can go into the examining room. The doctor's waiting for you.

Our little wind up patient!

How are my tests, Doc?

What do you think? Will I keep on ticking?

There doesn't seem to be anything the matter,

but remember, a pacemaker is like any other electrical instrument,

only of course a bit more complicated. But it must be maintained regularly.

I get it, instead of regular physicals I should have regular tune-ups.

All the internal tests I've taken checked out absolutely positive.

Machines. What matters is I know you're all right.

The judgment of an experienced doctor is most important.

Oh, that's better.

A bad habit I haven't been able to break since medical school.

I used to practice in front of a mirror.

Listen, Doc, will I be able to keep my job at the construction company.

Sure, you needed the pacemaker years ago

when you had excess weight. Now it's just a booster.

Believe me, you can do everything you could 15 years ago.

Believe me, I can do better than that.

Here are the results, Dr Fool.

It's Fool, Von der Fool!

You do that once more and I'm sending you to intensive care, as a patient!

Yes... yes... perfect. You're A-OK.

You are better than the last time I saw you. What's your secret?

There is no secret. Since May left me I've been following a very careful diet.

Well, you are what you eat.

I hope not.

Man, dig this bit here.

It says several foxes disappeared last week in a small area of town.

The blue crew ain't been able to find a trace of them.

That's horrible. Unfortunately, though, there's nothing new about it.

There are a lot of psychos out there.

Yeah, there's sure a damn active one in Lampton.

Lampton? Isn't that where you live, Donald?

Yeah, but I haven't noticed any suspicious abductions lately.

At least this crazy dude ain't prejudiced.

It says here, the last girl that dropped out, black!

Well, that's my kind of maniac. An equal opportunity rapist.

Dog meat today, Donald? Love it!

Donald, I don't know where you get it, or how you do it,

but it gets better every time.

- Hi, can I have a ride? - Are you kidding?

I thought you were going to tell me my lights were out,

or my tires were flat.

I don't see anything flat. Do you?

OK. Hop in!

So? Where to?

Where would you like to take me?

You make yourself comfortable,

and I'll slip into something more appropriate.

Likewise, you can be sure.

Weird.

Here I come!

You will soon. Just get in here.

Too many bones.

Too many bones!

Now, that's one very strange lady.

See you later, man!

Say man, when are you going to give this thing a bath?

I'm taking it to the car wash soon for an estimate,

but first I have to see what's next here.

What do you get when you double cross a mobster and an exorcist?

Beats the hell out of me. What on earth is this, Donald?

I call it my joke of the day.

Some guy comes out every morning and writes something new on there.

I've begun to look forward to it.

Hey dude, cut the crap. We got to wrap about tonight's bill.

What's going to be happening?

I don't know. What do you guys feel like doing?

Feel like getting some action. Where's it going to start?

Let's do something different.

I know what. What about the wrestling matches at the dome?

Sounds good! They got some wild chicks at them wrestling matches.

- What you say, Donald? - Sure! I'll bring the snacks, of course.

Of course, you know we wouldn't have it any other way.

Hey, I've got something really special planned.

I've got to go down to Chinatown to pick it up after my afternoon nip.

All right! Give us a hint, flint.

Let's just call it 'Peking Chick'.

You mean Peking Duck, don't you?

No. I mean Peking Chick.

Hey Donald, you're holding up the party, dude.

Hey, Donald! We're here, bro.

Hey, Donald!

Holy shit!

Hey Donald, this isn't the time or the place to be asleep.

I don't think he's sleeping.

I so see it, but I so don't believe it.

Yes, sir. I know I'm going to be sick!

Hey, Charlie. Come here. You've got to see this.

Look at this, looks like somebody screwed up these wires.

Really? Damn, this thing's a deathtrap for anyone with a pacemaker.