Original subtitles

Previously on Masters Of Sex...

William: We've had a very high success rate

with sensate therapy in cases like your wife's.

Isabella: I just want it fixed.

Al: I got asked to open a gorilla exhibit at the zoo.

There's that famous ape, Gil the Gorilla...?

Steve: We know it's probably not your normal case, but, uh...

They're animals, after all.

How hard can it really be?

William: Ernie Nevers.

You pick out any card you like, just give me the stats,

and I will give you a quarter for any one I don't get.

Lester: You sitting at home all day with our screaming kids--

you're too smart for that.

Betty: We'll pay her 5 bucks a bag.

Paul: It's like she's dead.

It's like sitting here with a corpse.

Libby: Joy had an apartment. She was one foot out the door.

As far as she was concerned, your marriage was over.

[ Door opens, closes ]

Vincent: I-I-I was just coming in to turn off the gas,

Libby: I took my time with the moving, but now I'm here.

Vincent: You being...?

Libby: Mrs. Edley, of course.

Dan: Fine. Then drinks down the street at the tap room.

Virginia: Why don't we have a cup of coffee,

downstairs, in the lobby.

It'll give us time to strategize.

Dan: We can strategize.

♪

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[ Soft jazz music playing ]

So...?

Virginia: "So"?

Dan: You're the expert.

Virginia: You want me to rate your performance?

- [ Chuckles ] - Dan: Mm.

Was it like when Ed Sullivan has plate spinners on the show?

Virginia: No. It was more like The Beatles.

Dan: Mmm.

Virginia: I told the sitter that I'd be home at 11:00,

which is now.

Dan: [ Sighs ]

So, call her. Ask for another hour.

Virginia: [ Chuckles ] No. I have to be up at 6:00 tomorrow,

get Tessa breakfast, and feed and dress the baby.

So, if I manage to get home by midnight

and Lisa doesn't wake up at 3:00 in the morning miraculously,

I'll have gotten six hours of sleep,

four in the more likely scenario.

Dan: That is a lot for one person.

Virginia: I have a complicated life.

Dan: I assume that's why

you've been leaving each night a little bit earlier.

Virginia: [ Chuckling ] Well, I don't think

that we've been doing this long enough

to consider anything a pattern.

I'm leaving early, um, because...

Dan: Busy.

Virginia: Yes.

Dan: I like Bill, believe it or not.

I can see his good qualities. He's smart, dedicated, driven.

I'm not sure I like him for you.

Virginia: [ Chuckling ] For me?

Dan: Mm-hmm.

Virginia: Well, present circumstances aside,

that's an odd thing to say to a married woman,

a woman not married to Bill.

Dan: But you spend a lot of time with him, and guys like Bill--

well, they're a lot of work.

I don't know. Maybe your husband's a similar breed,

like 4th of July fireworks-- impressive,

but combustible as hell.

You spend all your time running around,

trying to put out the flames that you don't even realize

they've burned you down to the ground right along with them.

Virginia: That's quite a theory...

Although I'm not sure

that I would call my husband "impressive" in that way.

Dan: Well, certainly you and Bill have undertaken

a grand experiment together.

Virginia: Bill and I are not involved in any way,

except professionally.

Dan: For some reason, I just find myself worrying about you.

That's all. I can imagine you take care

of everyone in your life.

I can see you take care of Bill professionally.

But who takes care of you, Virginia?

Virginia: My sitter.

My sitter is waiting for me, and I'm late.

Ah.

- Dan: I'll see you tomorrow? - Virginia: 9:00 AM.

Dan: I meant after work, when it's time to enjoy yourself.

Virginia: I enjoy myself at work.

[ Door opens and closes ]

Helen: Mnh.

- [ Mutters indistinctly ] - Betty: Jesus "H"!

Helen: [ Gasps ] Oh.

- Betty: [ Sighs ] - Helen: I was...

I was in a garden.

Betty: [ Scoffs ]

Oh, okay. You're having a dream.

Helen: And in this garden, a--

- Betty: [ Sighs ] - Helen: A plum fell on my lap.

Betty: Okay, you're gonna tell me about your dream now.

Helen: And I thought to myself, "The plum is ripe.

I like plums. I should help myself."

So I took a bite, and I--

Oh, yeah, you'll never guess what jumped out.

Betty: Oh, Helen, I'm tired.

Helen: A rabbit.

Betty: [ Sighs ]

Helen: And this rabbit, oh, started burrowing into my vagina.

Betty: Ugh.

Helen: And right before he disappeared inside me,

I pulled him out by his little rabbit's foot,

only now he-- he wasn't a rabbit anymore.

- He was a baby. - Betty: A baby.

- Helen: Yeah. - Betty: Oh, okay.

This is no longer a dream. This is a mantra.

Helen: It's a recurring dream. Recurring dreams mean--

Betty: Mean that you want me to do something about this.

I know. So, I checked it out.

I went to three different adoption clinics,

and they all said the same thing.

They do not let single women adopt.

I'm sorry.

Hon, it's just-- it's just not in our cards.

Helen: Well, that's completely unfair,

which is why I've been thinking--

there's this guy who comes in every week

to get his palm read-- Rufus. He's really sweet.

Betty: Rufus who's been struck by lightning a lot of times Rufus?

Helen: Electrocuted pulling toast out of the toaster with a fork.

Betty: More than once, though, right?

Helen: Yes, more than once.

But my point is he's really sweet

and he's madly in love with me

and, you know, maybe he'd be someone to get me pregnant.

He has said that he's saving himself for marriage,

so there's that snag.

Betty: [ Stammers ] You'd have to marry Rufus?

Helen: A little.

Betty: You can't marry a little, Helen.

I married a little, and look how that turned out.

[ Stammers ] Plus, Rufus is not smart.

Helen: Fine. He's dumb.

He's dumb.

Maybe I'm dumb, too, for wanting a baby this bad,

but I want a baby. I want a baby so bad.

Don't you want a baby?

Don't you want us to have a baby?

Why do I feel like I'm alone in this?

Betty: No. You're not alone.

I understand.

It's just... no one's gonna hand over a baby

to a couple of middle-aged dykes.

There's nothing we can do about it.

Helen: Well, then maybe it's just something

I've got to do on my own.

[ Sighs ]

[ Footsteps approaching ]

Betty: Uh, Dr. Scully's still at the endometrial symposium

in Memphis, so you'll have to see

to Mrs. Fletcher's insemination.

Also, Dan Logan's booked the other exam room

from noon to 6:00.

William: Well, Dan Logan is gonna have to move.

Betty: Because...?

William: Dan Logan's study has reached a dead end.

Only a chemist can solve the pheromone puzzle at this point.

We are not chemists,

so it's time for Dan Logan to go back to New York

and... enhance some product with the smell of pine.

Betty: Or you can let him have the exam room

rather than alienate the guy who wrote us a very handsome check.

Did you see this?

William: [ Sighs ]

"They helped us find our way back to our marriage

when no one else could.

We were lost, and they rescued us."

Virginia: Isabella Ricci? In Newsweek?

William: It's a profile piece

where they asked her about her marriage to "Al the Ape."

Virginia: She credits our sensate therapy?

William: A protocol they didn't attempt.

Why would they lie about that?

Betty: Because they got nabbed.

A tabloid photographer

recognized the two of them leaving the clinic.

The upside is, because of this, Newsweek just called

and they want to do a feature article on the two of you.

William: I'm not discussing results which are a complete fabrication.

Virginia: W-wait, Bill. This is one failure.

For every Isabella and Al,

there have been hundreds we have helped.

Betty: And it is Newsweek, after all.

William: Publicity value aside, I refuse to take credit

for some celebrity couple's cure

when the Hindenburg had a happier outcome.

Virginia: Then we won't lie.

All patient information is confidential,

meaning we're not at liberty to discuss their case.

But we can talk about our work, our success rate.

Exposure like this--

it could draw who knows how many people in through these doors.

[ Footsteps approaching ]

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Tessa: What kind of sandwich?

We're going to Cavetti's.

Dan: You work here?

Tessa: Hence the lunch order.

Dan: All right.

Turkey and Swiss, white, tomato only.

Do you mind me asking how old you are?

Tessa: How old do you think I am?

Dan: Not old enough to be employed here.

Tessa: It's my community service.

Turns out this is where

they send all the bad girls as punishment--

forced exposure to sex maniacs all day.

Dan: Harsh.

Tessa: Well, you do the crime, you do the time.

Dan: Hmm. [ Chuckles ]

Tessa: If you're trying to figure them out, don't bother.

Stonehenge is less of a mystery than those two.

Dan: I'm sorry.

Who exactly are you again?

Tessa: Lunch girl.

So, do you want fries or coleslaw with your sandwich?

Jane: Oh, that's Dr. Masters over there.

We'll just pretend that we're running into him.

Keith: [ Sighs ] Do I have to act?

Can't I just shake his hand and tell him why I'm here?

Jane: No, you cannot.

Just stick with the "I wrote in with a problem" story,

- and we'll be fine. - Keith: [ Sighs ]

Jane: Dr. Masters. Uh, this is Keith Coleman.

He wrote one of those letters I answered

in that big sack of mail. [ Chuckles ]

Keith: I actually didn't write a letter.

I-I'm in Jane's theater workshop.

Jane: Keith is also a friend from theater.

He was terrific in our limited run of "Oliver!"

Keith: And why I'm here is...

I'm impotent.

It's going on two years now.

And because Jane is an old friend,

she said she could use her influence to get me in here,

which would be great 'cause I want to hire you.

Fix me.

William: I both understand and sympathize...

Keith: Keith.

William: ...but we have a protocol in place here, Keith,

as Jane is fully aware.

Jane: Well, I know it's not usually done like this--

William: Jane also knows

that friends do not get preferential treatment here.

You and your wife need to make an appointment

through my secretary.

Keith: Oh, I don't have a wife.

William: Fine. With your girlfriend, then.

Jane: No, he doesn't have a girlfriend, either,

which is why I agreed to help him in this... misguided way.

William: So, who is it you're seeking treatment with?

Keith: Nobody.

Like I said, I'm-- I'm impotent.

I mean, I can't step into a batter's box with no bat.

I-I need to fix this first.

Then maybe I can find someone.

William: Unfortunately, our, uh, treatment

only applies to couples, not single individuals.

I'm sorry.

[ Engine sputtering ]

Keith: Come on. Come on!

Damn it!

Damn it!

God!

[ Sighing ]

[ Knock on window ]

William: I have jumper cables.

Keith: Hard to miss the metaphor, isn't it?

William: Pardon?

Keith: My car's battery's dead.

My battery's dead.

[ Trunk closes ]

William: I understand your frustration.

Keith: [ Scoffs ] Come on.

This is all just science to you.

Tragically, this is my life.

I'm out there every day living it, if you can call this living.

William: I promise you, Keith,

being a doctor doesn't mitigate my ability

to understand this kind of suffering.

Keith: Then let's appreciate the irony of this situation

together, all right?

I can't get a girl because I can't perform,

and you can't help me perform because I don't have a girl.

And you know what's even worse?

I'm fucking terrified...

Terrified I'm gonna be alone for the rest of my life.

Virginia: First sexual experience?

Steve: Around age, uh, 8.

Virginia: And the specifics of the act?

Steve: Specifics?

Virginia: So, the more information you can give us,

the more precise we can be in our treatment.

Steve: I'm a little sketchy on the details.

William: Or perhaps you're confused

since 8 does seem... unusually young.

Steve: No, actually, it's fairly common.

Puberty is often accelerated when you're raised in captivity.

Virginia: Well, I would imagine captivity alters many natural instincts.

Steve: In the wild, Gil would be motivated by fear.

He would also be motivated by the urge to mate,

and the need to eat would be the other major motivator.

William: But in captivity, what is there to fear?

Steve: Nothing.

Plus, he's spoon-fed 20 pounds of vegetables each day,

cherry pies for dessert.

So you'd think he'd devote all of his time to the ladies,

what with fear and food off of the table.

And he did for a long time.

Uh, Gil was a regular Don Juan.

But, uh, this female ape now in from San Diego--

might as well take her to see the St. Louis Arch

for all the interest he's shown her.

Virginia: Well, why don't we go back to the last successful mating.

What were the circumstances?

Position, environment, time of year?

Steve: I wasn't here.

Uh, that was right around the time

his, uh, former keeper, uh, Loretta Gladwin, left.

William: So, she retired?

Steve: I'm not really sure.

Uh, there was some brouhaha over her dismissal.

And, uh, all I know is she left under some cloud,

and we're supposed to leave it at that.

[ Gil grunting ]

William: He wasn't aggressive like that the last time I... met him.

Virginia: I didn't think he was aggressive now.

William: Oh, you think it was indigestion?

Look, we heard them out.

That's all we were obligated to do.

Virginia: We should help Gil.

William: Yes, we should help a gorilla,

but not Jane's poor friend Keith.

Virginia: I mean it.

Before you dismiss it out of hand--

William: Oh, I've dismissed it already.

- He's an ape. - Virginia: Yeah,

and did you know that our genetic alignment with apes

is almost 98%?

So, we're not just descended from apes,

as Darwin pointed out.

We essentially are apes.

William: With several crucial differences.

We can speak. They cannot.

Virginia: So Gil can't tell us why he doesn't want to have sex.

But what if we were able to help him just by watching him,

intuiting his expressions and his signs,

come up with a protocol?

William: We have an impressive success rate, Virginia.

Why would we obliterate that for some doomed experiment?

Virginia: It would be such a coup if we did it.

Think of the publicity, Bill.

Now, I understand men.

I understand how they think, how they tick essentially,

and there was something in the way

that Gil was speaking to me--

Fine. Apes don't speak.

But don't I help sexually dysfunctional

and oftentimes inarticulate men in our offices every single day?

Wasn't I able to help you when you were similarly suffering?

[ Animals chattering ]

Now, of course we'd have to talk to Gil's former handler,

see if there's anything we're missing.

But if we can return him to a healthy and satisfying sex life,

why wouldn't we?

William: If you are gonna make that argument,

why should we let any male suffer,

whether partnered or single?

Or... ape, I suppose.

Virginia: Or any woman suffer, for that matter?

William: Betty, uh, have Jane come to my office.

William: Or women, too, of course,

although I am specifically thinking of Jane's friend Keith.

Now, he's impotent, but he's single.

It's a no-win situation.

Maybe in those letters that Jane reads,

she's found single women who are dysfunctional

and in need of help also.

Virginia: You're not suggesting we pair two nonfunctioning patients?

William: It worked for Lester and Barb.

He was impotent.

She was suffering from vaginismus.

Virginia: Lester and Barb put themselves together.

They knew one another, trusted one another.

Lester and Barb were already in love.

Jane: [ Clears throat ]

William: Ah, Jane, come in.

Uh, we were just discussing your friend Keith

and the possibility of, um, finding him a surrogate partner.

Virginia: I do think that the partner should come from a list of women

who have already participated in the study,

women we already know.

Jane: But what kind of woman... specifically?

William: Well, she should be functional, sexually.

Virginia: Sound, emotionally.

She should have an interest in the work, good-hearted,

and have an inclination toward the healing arts.

She would have to be willing to do it for free

because to pay her

would essentially amount to prostitution.

Jane: Would a background in musical theater help?

A woman who just finished a six-week run

as Nancy in "Oliver!"?

[ British accent ] ♪ I'd do anything for you, dear ♪

♪ anything for you mean everything to me ♪

Virginia: I think that... Jane is volunteering.

Jane: Because I know Keith.

He's an old friend, and I'd like to help.

William: And we... appreciate your offer and your song, Jane,

but, uh... we couldn't do that to Lester.

Lester: We're taking a break.

Next session's not for another half-hour.

Tessa: Mm.

Dan: Thanks.

How long have you worked here again?

Tessa: How long was Dante stuck in Purgatory?

Dan: [ Chuckles ] And how long have you known Mrs. Johnson?

Tessa: Why are you asking me about her?

Dan: Because office girls know everything about everyone.

Tessa: Well... if you're smart,

you won't get involved with Mrs. Johnson.

She has a very messy life.

Dan: Who said anything about getting involved?

Tessa: I'm young, not stupid.

She's married, for starters,

with a couple of kids, but no worries there.

It's not like they slow her down any.

She's pretty, too. I'll give her that.

Knows how to use it.

Dan: Meaning...?

Tessa: Meaning this job.

She never even graduated from college.

You've met Dr. Masters.

Does he strike you

as a milk-of-human-kindness kind of guy,

handing out golden opportunities to un-credentialed secretaries?

Dan: Well, from where I sit,

Mrs. Johnson is an impressive woman,

though it wouldn't surprise me if Masters was smitten with her.

Tessa: He's more than smitten.

I know for a fact he's sleeping with her.

And it's gross.

And it makes me sick.

Betty: Mrs. Fletcher's changing into her robe,

wants to know if she can have a cigarette before the procedure.

William: Well, I don't recommend it, but if she insists.

Betty: Heard you and Virginia are gonna help Jane's single friend Keith.

William: It's being discussed.

Betty: Mm. That's a good thing, taking care of single people.

It's funny 'cause we've been getting a bunch of calls

from single women lately, asking if we can impregnate them

using donor sperm from the bank.

I know. Go figure.

[ Chuckles ]

So, um... can we?

William: The question's never arisen before, but... no.

Betty: Why no?

You know, so I can tell them when they call.

William: Well, for starters, I'd have to ask why a woman

would want to pursue single motherhood.

Betty: [ Sighs ] Well, it's nothing new.

Husbands die or leave all the time.

William: But you can't compare attrition to trying to make it happen.

It's an incredibly difficult path, undertaken all alone.

Betty: What if she raised the child with a friend,

say, you know, someone who'd be there to help out?

William: Well, friends move. They have lives of their own.

You can't expect a friend to make an 18-year commitment

to a child that's not even their own.

Betty: What if the friend could make that commitment?

What if the friend was family?

William: A healthy, single woman

does not need me to inseminate her.

A couple of gin and tonics and the guy one bar stool over

would be just as effective.

Loretta: I got together with Gil when he was 12.

I was right out of college.

And he had just, uh, left the Cleveland Zoo.

There you go.

I mean, in-- in many ways, we really grew up together.

[ Exhales sharply ]

I just-- I can't believe Gil's not mating.

For how long?

William: Uh, a little over a year now.

Loretta: But Gil is a class-A breeder.

Right. Who's his trainer?

Does she have any experience with primates?

I mean, you can't just, you know, get some bozo

who's been cleaning up after giraffes

and stick 'em in there with Gil.

I mean, th-there's an art.

William: Gil's new trainer is a man.

Loretta: Oh. There's your problem right there.

Gil has to have a female attendant.

I mean, someone who can stroke his ego

and, you know, let him know that he's the king.

Did you know that Gil's birthday is the exact same day as Elvis?

Virginia: No, uh, we didn't.

Loretta: Yeah. It was always a little joke between us,

you know, who-- who was the real king.

William: A joke, uh, between you and Gil?

Loretta: What I'm saying is that no man will be able to care for Gil.

He needs a woman.

Virginia: Did you ever witness Gil mating,

back when he was mating successfully?

Loretta: There was nothing that went on with Gil

that I wasn't there for.

Virginia: Oh, uh, would you care to elaborate?

Loretta: Well, after he and a female would get acquainted,

I'd sit with Gil and let him know how big and strong he was,

what a catch he was, you know, just cheer him on a bit.

William: That is hard to believe, that you would just talk to Gil

and-- and he was able to perform.

Loretta: With me, Gil sired 21 offspring

with 7 different females from zoos all over the country,

so I'd say it was enough.

Virginia: But besides words of encouragement,

was there anything else that you would do...

to... help-- help Gil along?

Loretta: What is that supposed to mean?

William: Well... uh, would you...

- Virginia: We just, um... - William: Uh...

Loretta: Look, I don't know what you've heard, okay,

but Gil and I were friends...

Close friends, devoted friends,

but friends, and that is all.

So, if you will excuse me.

Virginia: Of course.

Thank you so much for your time.

Uh, Miss Gladwin... would you ever consider

returning to the zoo to help Gil

get past whatever barrier it is that's holding him back?

Loretta: I'm sorry.

That would be a little too painful for both of us.

After Gil and I split, I mean, I was just a mess.

[ Voice breaking ] I couldn't leave my house.

I couldn't eat, and I couldn't sleep.

I am just now getting my life back into order.

So, no.

[ Chuckles, sniffles ]

You're on your own.

Virginia: Thank you.

[ Door opens ]

Libby: [ Smooches ]

Johnny: I don't want to go to bed yet.

Libby: A kiss doesn't always mean I'm sending you off.

I, um-- I was just thinking that I-- I'm gonna go next door

and check in on Mr. Edley.

Johnny: And Mrs. Edley?

Libby: Yes, of course. Mrs. Edley, too.

See how they're doing.

Johnny: Um, can I stay up until you get back?

Libby: Yes.

[ Door opens, closes ]

Johnny: Goodbye, Ernie Nevers.

[ Door opens ]

[ Tapping on sink ]

[ Dog barks ]

[ Jar clinks ]

William: John?

It's awfully late for you, isn't it?

Johnny: Mom's letting me stay up until she gets back.

William: Back from...?

Johnny: Next door. The Edleys'.

William: [ Sniffs ]

Is there-- is there something burning?

Johnny: Uh, maybe.

Maybe mom burnt some plastic wrap.

She's been pretty... distracted lately.

- William: So, how was school? - Johnny: I'm really tired.

I'm gonna go to bed.

Libby: It's for the apartment, if you agree.

Paul: [ Exhales sharply ] Look, just go.

Take your check and just go.

Libby: I don't blame you for being furious with me.

I-I cannot begin to apologize for what I did,

for telling you what I knew about Joy.

It was not mine to tell.

Paul: Well, can't un-ring that bell now, can we?

And what difference would it make, anyway?

Libby, I was gonna find out soon enough

when I walked through that door

and found a "Dear John" letter on the counter.

Or wasn't that how Joy planned on telling me?

What was her plan, exactly?

Libby: I don't know about that.

Paul: Something you don't know.

I have to admit, whatever it was, it worked...

In its own sick kind of way...

Being totally clueless as to what was really happening here.

It made taking care of her seem noble.

But-- but now...

Libby: I know.

You're left with pain and confusion and resent--

Paul: Don't tell me what I feel.

Libby: I will tell you because I know.

I know how precious illusions can be.

I know how they can keep you alive.

I know because it has been so long

since I had any about my own life.

Sometimes I sit in that apartment,

and I pretend that my husband is gonna walk through the door,

but not as he is now, but from another, earlier time.

And I sit there thinking,

"God, if I could just keep this dream alive,

just-- just for a little while, just like a little bit each day,

then-- then maybe it will allow me to go home

- to the real Bill, the-- - Paul: I can't hear this.

Libby: Please don't turn away from me!

Paul: What do you want from me? Huh?

These past few months,

all I have wanted to see come through that door is you.

That's the only thing I had to look forward to.

That was it.

And you took it, along with my illusions about my wife.

Keep the apartment. It's yours.

[ Projector clicks, whirs ]

[ Man and woman moaning ]

[ Moaning fades ]

Lester: She sounded like a good candidate.

Jane: We need to find someone who's gonna be a good surrogate,

not scare a guy out of hiccups.

We need to, um, keep looking.

Lester: Why? You just keep rejecting them all.

Jane: We haven't found the right girl.

Lester: F-34-21 was good.

Jane: F-34-21 is Sue, the supply secretary from Memorial.

Sue once threw a stapler at a guy in a wheelchair.

That's not exactly the helping hand that Keith needs.

Lester: This is F-12-22.

Uh...

[ Projector clicks, whirs ]

Oh. [ Chuckles nervously ]

Jane: Don't shut that off, Lester.

That's me.

Lester: I know who it is.

Jane: Then look at it.

You filmed this.

It's how you fell in love with me...

Well, maybe not that shot, but...

Lester: Why are you showing this to me?

[ Projector shuts off ]

Jane: Because I want you to remember how this all started.

Lester, I knew from the very beginning

that this work was groundbreaking,

that what Dr. Masters and Virginia were doing

was brave and fearless,

and it made me feel brave and fearless, too.

It's why I volunteered way back then.

And it's why I want to volunteer now...

as a surrogate... for Keith.

Lester: You want to boff somebody from Mr. Taybor's drama class?

Jane: I want to contribute. I want to help!

Lester: Are you insane?

How does you humping old friend Keith

help me or our kids or our marriage?

Jane: Well, you've dedicated your life to this work, haven't you?

And what about when you were in Keith's shoes?

I overheard Dr. Masters and Virginia

talking about you and Barb.

Why didn't you tell me you were impotent,

that you and Barb participated in the work?

Lester: Well, b-because it's not the kind of thing

you blab about to your wife.

Because the whole reason I was impotent to begin with

was because you dumped me for some dickhead director

and I fell apart.

Because you broke my heart,

and it was all just so very humiliating.

Jane: But you got the help that you needed.

Here, you were cured.

Lester: I know he deserves help.

And if anyone knows, it's me.

But-- [ Sighs ]

Jane: Hey.

You were cured, and I came back to you...

because it's you that I love, Lester.

It's Keith I just want to help.

William: If we're gonna do this, we should do it now.

Give it one shot, one shot only.

Virginia: However long it takes, Bill...

because if this were any other suffering male,

you would be the first one to help.

William: Suffering human male, yes.

Virginia: And I am arguing

that there may not be as much of a difference as you'd think.

William: All right, we tell his trainer to take the day off.

- Virginia: Today? - William: Get it over with.

Do our best.

[ Chuckles ]

Well, I suppose it wasn't that long ago

I was a suffering... creature also, as you pointed out.

And you saved me, so...

[ Footsteps approaching ]

Dan: Good morning.

I have a proposition for you two.

William: Actually, we're in the middle of--

Virginia: Come in, Dan. What's on your mind?

Dan: So, my company is debuting our new popcorn butter flavoring

tonight at the premiere of "The Ghost And Mr. Chicken"

over at the Hi-Pointe Theater,

and I thought, "Who doesn't love Don Knotts?"

Virginia: Barney Fife is a staple in my home.

Dan: And Captain Harry Little-- "The Last Time I Saw Archie"?

Virginia: [ Chuckling ] Henry and I saw that three times.

Dan: Which is why I thought it might be fun

to invite the entire office.

- Virginia: Our office? - Dan: Yeah.

Virginia: That's very thoughtful.

Dan: Well, your gang seems game to come

because I've already run it by them--

William: That is very generous of you, Dan.

Virginia: It does sound like fun, doesn't it, Bill?

I think we could all use a little time off.

William: Oh, absolutely we could.

Unfortunately, we do have to work tonight.

Virginia: No, we have to work today.

William: Well, we don't know how long this is gonna take.

Virginia: So, then let's move it until tomorrow.

One more night curled around a tire swing

isn't gonna make any difference.

William: [ Chuckling ] Well, it'll make a difference to Gil.

Wasn't that your point to me, Virginia?

Virginia was just saying I-- I have a soft spot

for any suffering male.

Virginia: Yes, it's almost a knee-jerk reaction with Bill.

William: And while no one appreciates Don Knotts more than I...

- Dan: Suffering male. - William: [ Laughs ]

He was very good on "Steve Allen."

No, I'm-- I'm sure that was him.

And, uh, I'm also a-- a huge fan of popcorn.

With butter.

Dan: Butter-like flavor. Even better.

William: Which is why it's such a shame

that Mrs. Johnson and I are busy

with all this work on our plates.

But please do certainly take the rest of the office.

- They'll love it. - Dan: Mm.

You know, I was just telling Virginia the other day

how important I think it is to spend time away from work.

William: Mm. Has Virginia spoken to you about the case?

Dan: Mnh-mnh.

William: Oh, it's fascinating, really.

Um, Mrs. Johnson and I

are essentially reaching back through time

to understand the, uh--

the nature of evolutionary attraction.

Virginia: The patient is, uh, an unusual one.

William: Who requires extra care.

So, sadly, we will have to leave Mr. Chicken's Ghost to you.

Dan: You're sure about that, Virginia?

You really can't break away?

Virginia: Yeah, we are very busy... Dan.

Uh, we're doing an interview with Newsweek tomorrow,

plus this very challenging case, as we said.

Dan: Aren't all cases a challenge?

Virginia: Oh, no, not like this one.

Dan: Because...?

William: It's a gorilla.

Tessa: Sorry, but I need the PDR if I'm gonna file properly.

Virginia: Oh, good. Uh, Tessie, you can meet Dan.

Mr. Logan, say hello to my daughter.

Tessie, this is Mr. Logan.

He's the one doing the scent tests that I told you about.

Tessa: Nice to meet you... Mr. Logan.

Dan: Mm. Pleasure.

Jane: There's no reason to be nervous.

Dr. Masters is completely respectful.

It's sensate training, so it'll just be you and me.

Keith: [ Breathing heavily ]

I sound like-- I sound like a ran a marathon.

Jane: Shh.

It's okay.

Relax.

Keith: [ Inhales sharply ]

That you were willing to do this for me, Jane...

[ Exhales sharply ] I can never--

Jane: You're welcome.

Keith: So, um... how long until, um...

Jane: As Virginia says, it's a process.

I'm here... with you.

So, for now, just listen to the sound of my voice

as I tell you...

Virginia: Who's a handsome gorilla?

Who's a big, strong boy?

[ Gil sighs ]

Go on, Gil.

Go to her. Look. She's ready.

You're the king.

Remember?

Yes, you are. You can-- you can do this.

[ Elephant trumpets ]

How much more time are we going to give this?

William: Oh, it's-- it's a process, Virginia.

You know that better than I.

Virginia: Yes, but I've now used every encouraging word

that I have ever uttered to any male ever.

William: He's listening.

Virginia: I know that he's listening, but somehow it's not enough.

[ Monkeys chattering ]

[ Gil sighs ]

This was a mistake.

To think that we could ever convince another species,

that I could convince another--

William: He is 98% us.

Virginia: But he's not us,

and this is nothing more than hubris on my part.

William: Maybe-- maybe just move towards him.

Just a little bit closer.

Now try again.

[ Gil groaning ]

Virginia: Do you remember the other day? Gil?

You liked me then, didn't you?

I can always tell when someone is interested in me.

That's all right. You can look at me.

[ Gil grunting ]

I'm here to help you. I'm here. Look at me.

I'm here to help you.

[ Gil snorting ]

[ Metal rattling ]

[ Gil breathing heavily ]

[ Grunting ]

Okay.

All right, now, go-- go to her, Gil.

That's good.

Go on.

William: He wants-- he wants your breast.

Loretta was a full-figured woman.

Virginia: He wants, uh...

He wants Loretta's breast.

William: No one gives of themselves like you, Virginia.

You saved me.

Now it's Gil's turn to be saved.

Libby: What are you doing here?

Paul: I had nowhere else to go.

Betty: Hiya, Hank.

Helen: We fooled him.

Helen: You're gonna use this thing on me?

Betty: Uh, it's a catheter.

I'm going to slip it up into your, you know-- your cervix.

And then I'm gonna shoot the little swimmers in with... it.

Helen: But do we have time?

Because, you know, the book said

that the sperm takes a half-hour to thaw

and then you've got to put it up me and then I have to sit still for one hour--

Betty: Helen, it's 2:00 in the morning.

Hank doesn't want to know what we're doing in here.

I think we're safe.

This is a really big decision, Betts.

Betty: [ Sighs ]

Helen: I mean, uh, deciding who to pick for the donation.

I thought this guy seemed good.

6', 180 pounds. Eyes, green. Brown hair.

Yeah, I got nothing against him, but he could also be anyone.

What else?

Betty: What "What else"? That's it.

It's all done anonymously,

so we're always gonna be a little short

on, you know, pertinent information.

Helen: What about character?

Betty: Helen, it's sperm. We add the character.

Helen: It's not just sperm. It could be anybody.

It could be Lee Harvey Oswald's sperm.

It could be the sperm of The Cincinnati Strangler,

Richard Nixon, by way of example.

[ Exhales sharply ]

Betty: You know, this is when you just wish

that you were just-- ugh!

This is when you wish

that you were just one of the regular folks

'cause regular folks just-- oh, they just get what they get.

They don't have all this responsibility of choosing.

[ Sighs ]

Helen: It should be a big responsibility.

We're making a baby.

I do envy the regular folks, though.

At least they have some idea

of what kind of kid they're gonna get on the other end.

Betty: They don't even have photos of the donors in here.

I mean, not that looks are everything.

Helen: Well, they're not nothing, either.

Betty: But smarts matter.

Helen: A good heart matters most.

When we have our kid, no matter who she is or who he is,

we're gonna love them like crazy.

Betty: Or maybe people just say that

'cause they're stuck with what they got

'cause they didn't have a choice.

Helen: Well, what choice do we have?

Isn't it either this or nothing, right?

Betty: Actually, I might know someone

who's a whole lot better than nothing.

Man: [ Breathing heavily, moaning ]

William: I talked with Zookeeper Steve this morning.

They were astounded at our success with Gil.

Can't imagine how we managed to pull that off.

Virginia: Well... what happened yesterday

was no solution at all.

William: I wasn't looking for a solution.

- I was looking for an answer. - Virginia: To what?

William: Whether or not it could be done...

Whether I could do it-- we could do it.

And we did.

There's something for Newsweek to chew on.

Virginia: We will not tell Newsweek about this.

William: Gil proves that performance-based dysfunction

is so rooted in our psyche

that not even the most primitive of us,

under certain stresses, are immune to its effects,

but more importantly,

that these dysfunctions can be repaired by us.

Now, why not let Newsweek print the story

that says Masters and Johnson can fix anyone, even an ape?

Virginia: Because it's not true.

William: We can straighten out anything

that human beings manage to screw up.

Virginia: We can't... Bill.

And you know it.

That was a fluke, not a cure, which is why we cannot say it.

[ Man and woman moaning ]

[ Mid-tempo jazz music playing ]

Helen: Some doctor's office--

where you can get syphilis from breathing the air.

What kind of orthopedist works here?

Betty: These women don't need an orthopedist?

On their feet all day, twisting themselves in knots?

Can you imagine the wear and tear?

Helen: But for us, for our baby?

Betty: Honey, honey, he's a doctor

with a face like a movie star and a body that looks like

it should be throwing thunderbolts from a cloud.

If you want our baby to have the best head start,

this is how we do it.

Austin: Can I help you ladies?

Betty: Oh, Austin!

- So gd to see you. - Austin: Betty. How are you?

- Betty: I'm good. - Austin: Good.

Betty: Uh, this is my girlfriend, Helen.

- Austin: Hi, Helen. - Helen: Hi.

- Austin: Nice to meet you. - Helen: [ Chuckles ]

Austin: Girlfriends as in pals from high school

or girlfriends as in the previous act?

Betty: We're lovers, Austin.

Austin: Okay. Whatever works, ladies.

Betty: [ Chuckles ]

Austin: So, uh, what did you want to speak to me about?

Betty: We have a favor to ask.

[ Music continues ]

Man: There you go!

Gordon: Mm. And your most, uh, significant case to date?

Virginia: Oh, we consider each and every case

significant in its own way.

Gordon: Any chance of narrowing that down a little?

You know, maybe there's a celebrity angle

that we can share with our readers?

Virginia: Each case, taken together,

makes up the body of our scientific study.

Gordon: How about you, Dr. Masters?

You care to respond?

William: I agree with Mrs. Johnson--

that each case matters on its own merits.

But if I were to choose one case

that stood out as particularly meaningful...

it would have to be the one involving an ape.

Al "The Ape" Neely and his wife, Isabella Ricci.

Gordon: I'm so glad you brought them up.

William: Well, since they themselves have been so public

about their treatment with us,

I feel we can say they're patients,

although I can't divulge specifics.

Gordon: All right, then.

In a general way, what-- what about their case is significant?

William: Well... let's take, as an example,

a real ape taken out of its natural habitat,

as a good way of understanding what happened with the Neelys...

[Inhales sharply] Because if you take that ape

and damage it in ways that only humans can inflict damage,

watch it turn itself into something it's not,

then our job is to take those shattered parts

and, uh, bring them together,

and allow, through a-- a successful coupling,

those wounds to finally heal.

Man: [ Imitates gorilla grunting ]

Dan: I figured now that I know your taste in men,

I'd give you another chance and ask you out to the movies.

Virginia: [ Chuckles ]

Dan: [ Exhales sharply ]

Virginia: Oh, God, you're drenched.

How long have you been sitting there?

Dan: Hours.

And I jammed the zipper putting it on,

so I'm not sure I'm ever gonna be able to get this thing off.

[ Laughs ]

Virginia: Well, now I suppose the only difference

between you and every other man

is that you wear your ape on the outside.

Dan: I get the feeling this wasn't a good idea.

Virginia: [ Chuckles ]

I know that you were trying to be sweet.

Dan: What happened?

What went wrong?

Virginia: We were successful.

He mated.

Dan: But...?

Virginia: But he... needed some encouragement...

- from me. - Dan: Mm-hmm.

Virginia: And I-- I think I may have taken it a little too far.

Dan: What's too far?

Virginia: I showed my...

Dan: Mm.

Virginia: [ Sighs ]

Dan: But did you kiss him?

Virginia: No.

No, I didn't.

Dan: Well, good.

Virginia: [ Chuckles ]

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