Original subtitles

Previously on Masters Of Sex...

Joy: He showed me three apartments just today.

We talked about this, Libby-- our dissatisfaction.

Libby: Yes, but it was just talk.

Paul: It's Joy.

She... She collapsed.

"Catastrophic" was the word they kept using.

Johnny: I don't want to talk about it.

William: Well, what you want isn't the issue.

Johnny: I just said, so shut up about it!

Libby: This is not about you, Bill.

This is about our son, and our son needs help.

Apparently, this Dennis has been picking on him for weeks.

You swung these knuckles into my son's face.

I know you're smart enough to know that if a doctor--

if a doctor threatens you,

no one can protect you.

Edna: Pawning off this poor baby to some babysitter

when you're going off to do your sex work.

Harry: I know you feel your mother's hard on you,

but it's because she worries.

Virginia: She doesn't worry about me.

Edna: I underestimated you.

Virginia: You did?

Edna: All you've got to do

is get him to leave his wife and marry you.

Dan: Are you all right?

Virginia: How would you like to take me to dinner sometime?

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Holly: The Marshfield fair.

Virginia: I'm sorry?

Holly: Candy apples.

It reminds me of when I was little,

and my dad would buy them for me at the fair.

They had this rich, crackly, toffee coating.

I'm practically drooling just thinking about them.

Virginia: Not exactly the lubrication we were looking for.

Dan: Mnh-mnh.

Virginia: Thank you, Holly.

Feel free to get dressed now.

Dan: So, smells elicit emotions rather than arousal,

leaving us... nowhere.

Virginia: That is the general vicinity.

Dan: And even if we wanted emotion,

every reaction is unique,

meaning we'd have to customize a specific scent

for each customer, which would be like

moving the French Riviera one grain of sand at a time.

Virginia: Do you know anything about gypsy moths?

Dan: Their natural habitat is not the French Riviera.

Virginia: No, "Nature" magazine

published a piece on gypsy moths recently,

about this substance that they secrete,

called pheromones, an aphrodisiac of sorts,

secreted by the female moths to attract the males

at great distances.

Dan: The length of a crowded barroom?

Virginia: Try 30 miles.

And the strangest thing about pheromones

is that they're not something that you smell.

They're sensed.

Dan: If we can bottle the human equivalent of pheromones,

we could have exactly what I've been looking for all along.

A "love potion," essentially.

Virginia: Except there's no conclusive evidence

that human pheromones even exist,

never mind are ready for packaging.

Dan: Oh, they exist.

For example, inexplicably,

a few weeks ago, you asked me out to dinner.

It was as if some unseen force compelled you,

because every time I've brought it up since,

you've managed to worm your way out of it.

Virginia: No, I have not wormed my way out of it.

Dan: Then have dinner with me tonight.

Fine. Then drinks down the street at the tap room.

Virginia: Can I just be honest with you?

I have no idea why I asked you out that night, but...

it was wrong.

So why don't we have a cup of coffee,

downstairs, in the lobby, and--

and we can use the time to strategize

about how we might go about... procuring pheromones.

Dan: We can strategize.

But now let me be honest with you.

You're a woman who deserves more than coffee in some lobby.

You deserve, well...

what we might call a proper courtship.

William: [ Breathing heavily ]

Paul: You're running like you've got the devil on your tail.

Is everything all right?

William: I was just, uh...

I was just thinking...

about how sometimes people seem to just...

They'll be slipping away.

Paul: Who's "people"?

William: Uh...

just my son, John, for example.

I just asked him this morning

if he wanted to come see a Cardinal/Bears game next Sunday.

Paul: You got nothing, huh?

- Wilam: Yeah. - Paul: That's funny.

'Cause I was just talking to a former Cardinal,

a friend, Al Neely.

William: Al "The Ape" Neely?

Paul: Yeah, we played together at Nebraska.

He, uh-- he married that actress, Isabella Ricci?

Well, anyway, she's been twisting his arm,

trying to get him to go see somebody

about their bedroom problems.

They'd heard of you and, uh... about flipped

when I told them we were neighbors.

They wanted me to put in a good word, you know?

Maybe-- maybe you'd see them.

William: You don't have to put in a good word.

Just have them call the office.

Paul: All right, I will.

William: You're still coaching, right?

- Kids' football? - Paul: Yeah.

William: You need an assistant coach?

Paul: You?

William: Why not?

You know... why not try?

If you don't try... nothing happens.

Or... things happen that you don't want to happen.

Anyway, uh, Johnny could run out for the team.

I could help you coach.

So, what do you say?

Libby: I think it's a terrible idea.

William: Well, I was already playing football at his age.

It'll be good for him.

Libby: He will be in there with boys twice his size.

He could easily be injured.

William: You can't mollycoddle the boy, Libby.

Libby: Who is mollycoddling?

I'm simply saying he is not a football player.

William: Well, certainly not if he doesn't try.

Libby: Bill...

the planetarium has a wonderful film

on the origins of the universe.

Johnny would love that.

William: Well, I've already promised Paul

I'd help him coach.

Libby: You are gonna coach youth football?

William: "Spend more time with the children."

That's your constant refrain, so that's what I'm gonna do.

Johnny will play, I will coach. And now I'm late for my dinner.

Libby: You have a dinner?

William: It's work, Lib, like always.

Edna: I've told all my friends, Bill,

that we have a famous author in our family now.

Harry: Edna keeps expecting

to see you hobnob on Linkletter's "House Party."

[ Both laugh ]

William: Well, if by "family," you mean your daughter,

certainly there would be no book at all

without her participation.

Edna: It's just such a rare treat

to spend quality time with you, Bill.

Harry: Time does fly, doesn't it?

I was just saying to Edna how eerie it is--

Edna: We need to get a move on.

Harry: Your mother's got this crazy idea

about taking the baby out for ice cream.

Virginia: Mom, Lisa is 3 months old...

Edna: A baby can't appreciate ice cream?

[ Chuckles ] Plus, it's a nice break for you and Bill.

You can just relax and talk about something other than work.

[ Door opens, closes ]

Harry, please...

William: Is she trying to set us up?

Virginia: And so subtly, don't you think?

William: Well, how did she come by such a notion?

Virginia: Not from me.

William: As much as I would like to take you upstairs...

Virginia: Having my mother arrange it is...

grotesque, to say the least.

William: How long before they go back home?

Well, then we'll just have to... make other arrangements.

It won't do for us to be separated this long, Virginia.

Libby: It's true.

I lied, and I... deceived my husband.

That is how my firstborn came to be.

Did I never tell you this?

We'd been trying for years.

Bill let me think that the problem was me, of course.

Anyway, I, um...

I underwent this capping procedure

that Bill invented himself,

because Bill is... brilliant that way.

And suddenly, I was pregnant.

I was so happy.

And then I had a miscarriage.

And Bill said, "No more."

"No more trying."

It was just gonna be the two of us for the rest of our days.

[ Chuckles ]

So I-- I got my doctor to secretly inseminate me

using the-- the remainder of Bill's sperm, and...

like a gift from heaven, it worked.

Although...

I think whatever feelings that Bill had for me,

they died that night that he realized I deceived him,

that he was gonna be a father after all.

I think you could use a clip.

[ Gasps ] You startled me.

Paul: I'm sorry.

I was just watching you and thinking...

thank God for Libby Masters.

Libby: Oh.

Paul: You've been so kind to Joy and beyond generous to me.

Over these past few months,

if it hadn't been for you, I don't...

Libby: Of course. Anything for friends.

Harry: Your mother's rocking the baby,

humming "Chattanooga Choo Choo"...

Honey, Lisa lapped up every last drop of that ice cream--

Virginia: Did you know she was going to do that tonight,

throw Bill at me in that way?

You did.

And did you also know that she has told me to marry Bill?

Harry: She did mention something.

Virginia: Well, I hope you told her she's out of her mind.

Harry: And what good would that do?

Our first date, your mother and I went to the movies.

I showed up in shirt-sleeves,

and she wore her grandmother's mink stole.

She's always imagined herself being someplace better,

someplace else other than wherever she actually is.

I think she pictured herself going to galas

on the arm of some politician or doctor or lawyer,

and instead, she ended up with me.

Virginia: Please. She would be lost without you.

Harry: And I know that.

We all need stories to tell ourselves, and that's hers.

Betty: Well, we can probably skip the tour.

Jane: I'm not sure two hours a day warrants my own office.

Betty: Mm. You're gonna need that.

Mail's up to a thousand letters a day.

They want you to answer anything

that doesn't compare them to Satan or damn them both to hell.

Jane: Oh, my God. Is that--

Betty: Shh! Lower your voice.

This is a doctor's office, not Grauman's Chinese.

Jane: Isabella Ricci.

[ Sighs ]

Those lips have touched Rock Hudson's lips.

They touched Perry Como's lips.

Betty: And look at my lips

when I tell you nobody knows they're here,

which means you do not know they're here.

Jane: Can I just walk through the lobby?

Betty: You cannot.

Jane: Can I just say that I have to pee?

I've had two kids.

By the time I get out there, it'll be true.

Betty: Clickity-clack, Jane. Clickity-clack.

Al: Paul tells me you're a big football fan.

William: I still remember the game

you ran 200 yards against the Colts.

Al: 203 yards, but who's counting, right?

Isabella: Our friend Sandy absolutely raves about you two.

Sandra Dee.

Virginia: Oh, I don't--

I don't believe we've ever worked with Miss Dee.

- Isabella: She read your book. - Virginia: Ah.

Isabella: And if you ever want tickets to any game...

What game can we get, Al?

Al: How does 50 yard line,

Unitas against the Steelers sound?

Isabella: Don Shula won't have the access you'll have.

Any game, any time.

Al: And I have friends at the Ice Capades, too,

in case you're interested.

Virginia: Oh, that's... very generous.

But, uh, why don't we proceed with why you're here?

Al: Right. So...

Explain how me not touching my wife sexually

is gonna fix things in the sex department.

William: We've found that non-sexual touching

removes the pressure and expectations

sometimes associated with sex.

We understand that may seem incongruous

to what it is you're trying to achieve,

but we've had a very high success rate

with sensate therapy in cases like your wife's.

Isabella: Just to think the word "frigidity"

and this body could inhabit the same universe...

Virginia: We prefer non-orgasmic.

Frigid is pejorative,

and it suggests that it's the woman's fault.

Isabella: I just want it fixed

so that we can go back to the way we were in the beginning.

Edna: What are you doing, Tessie?

Tessa: Oh. I-I'm just leaving something out for my mom.

Edna: Hmm.

"Life And love"... by Tessa Johnson?

You wrote this?

Tessa: "Teen Society" has a contest,

and I entered it on a lark,

but then they told me that I won, and I flipped.

Edna: Oh, my. That's really something.

And will you look at this.

The perfect hairstyle for you.

Let's you and I have some fun.

I'll make an appointment.

We'll go down together, and they will give you this hairstyle.

Hmm?

A girl can always do things

to make herself more attractive to the boys.

Tessa: I don't think this hairstyle suits me, grandma.

Edna: Come on. Don't be like your mother,

always fighting me at every turn.

Tessa: Maybe she has good reason to fight.

Edna: Yes, of course.

She's poisoned you against me.

Your grandfather can do no wrong in her eyes

because he always tells her exactly what she wants to hear.

I'm sure nobody wanted to hear "The British are coming,"

at 3:00 in the morning, but God bless that messenger.

Tessa: I didn't mean to hurt your feelings.

Edna: I know.

Look, honey, your essay is very impressive,

but think of your mother as a cautionary tale.

She's written a whole book,

and look at her life-- it's a mess.

Tessa: Mm.

There's some things that are...

definitely screwed up.

Edna: Just don't follow in her footsteps, all right?

You focus on what really matters.

[ Whistle blows ]

Children: Team, break!

Children: Ready, break!

- William: Come on, Hornets! - Paul: Let's go, Hornets!

William: Okay, after the change of possession, you're in.

Johnny: I don't want to go in.

I don't want to play. I told you that.

William: Just do as your coaches tell you, all right?

Come on, offense!

Come on, offense. Oh!

Jesus, he just stands there like a clay pigeon.

Paul: Well, it's not his regular position.

He's normally a tight end, but our starting quarterback

showed up 10 minutes late for practice yesterday, so...

William: Is he any good?

Paul: He's got an arm like a slingshot.

It's his attitude I don't care for.

William: Hey, 14.

Yeah, you ready to go in for number 12?

Paul: Hey, Bill, the kid's got to learn.

William: I agree.

But can we figure out some other kind of punishment

that doesn't embarrass the whole team by losing?

Paul: Okay. Dennis, come here.

William: Come on, Hornets!

Paul: Now, look-- you're going in.

But listen to me, son-- no more screw-ups.

No more.

[ Whistle blows ] Billy, you're out. Come on.

- William: Go on, get in there. - Paul: Let's go, Dennis.

William: [ Clapping ]

Eunice: The new kid's yours?

Libby: 33, Johnny Masters. It's our first game.

Eunice: [ Chuckles ] There is no "our" in football.

It's all about the boys, the coaches, and the dads.

I'm in charge of snacks today.

Libby: Is there some kind of... snack sign-up?

Eunice: Yep, and if you don't get in the snack rotation,

you're a bad mom.

Got to show up at the games 'cause it's expected,

not that anybody cares you're here.

But if you stay at home and take a bath

and have five blessed seconds to yourself,

well, then we're back to bad mom.

But you'll get the hang of all this.

Essentially, your job is to be invisible...

while cheering them on.

Go, Hornets!

Dennis: Set! Hike!

William: Watch it. That's right!

That's the way! Yes! That's it, Dennis!

Go! Yeah!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Yes! That's the way! Well done, Dennis!

Well done!

Good team effort. Good team effort.

Paul: 2 points. 2 point conversion, let's go.

William: So, now we've dug ourselves out of that hole...

33 goes in?

Paul: 33 goes in. Hey, Johnny.

Let's go. You're in.

William: Yeah. Stay sharp, 33.

- Go, Hornets. - Libby: [ Inhales sharply ]

William: You kept your cool out there.

Dennis: You're an asshole.

William: You can't speak to your coaches like that.

Dennis: Mr. Edley's my coach, not you.

Children: Ready, break!

Paul: Come on, defense!

William: Look, Dennis...

the last time I saw you, I, uh...

I didn't behave well.

I owe you an apology.

I'm sorry.

Dennis: Where's my football?

William: Uh... I have it.

I'll-- I'll give it back to you.

I'll bring it next game.

Dennis, you're a hell of a player.

You know, I can see that already.

So I really hope you stick with this.

I mean it.

You could be playing for Nebraska one day,

like Coach Edley.

Boy: Hike!

[ Whistle blows ]

William: Hey, ref, come on!

That's clipping! Wake up!

Come on.

Okay, 33, that's it. Get up.

[ Door opens, closes ]

Vincent: Geez. Sorry.

I-I-I was just coming in to turn off the gas,

since I assumed no one was moving in.

Libby: Oh, well, I, um...

I took my time with the moving, but now I'm here.

Vincent: You being...?

Libby: Mrs. Edley, of course.

Joy Edley.

William: So, your marital problems started

about a year ago. Is that correct?

Al: Give or take. [ Sighs ]

Truth is, Isabella overthinks things.

I tell her I want steak for dinner.

She thinks I hate her pork chops.

It's just the way she works, always overthinking.

You see two dogs? There's no thinking.

There's no "How are you feeling? What am I feeling?" stuff.

William: I understand that could seem applicable

if we were nothing more than domesticated dogs.

Al: But aren't we? I mean, really.

William: I'm afraid that's not only an oversimplification

but a dangerous one.

Al: Can I ask you something?

William: Of course.

Al: If you were me, would you be concerned...

with being asked to open up a gorilla exhibit?

William: I don't think I'm following.

Al: It's why we're here.

I got asked to open a gorilla exhibit at the zoo.

There's that famous ape, Gil the Gorilla...?

William: I fail to see how this has anything to do

with you and your wife.

Al: I get paid double if she appears with me.

So, she said she'd go to the ape house

if I... agreed to come here.

William: Mr. Neely...

the only reason I care you're here

is because of you and your wife's current sexual situation.

Anything outside of that is not my concern.

Al: Point taken, Doc.

But in the spirit of not pulling punches...

I'm not the one with the problem.

Isabella: The problem is Al.

He's the lowdown, ass-sniffing dog.

Virginia: Mrs. Neely, when you asked for our help,

the problem you presented was sexual,

but these allegations of infidelity,

- they make it more difficult-- - Isabella: "Allegations"?

My husband will screw anything

that walks, winks, or sits to pee.

When I was filming "Johnny Reno" with Jane Russell,

I didn't have to buy perfume for eight weeks

'cause whatever she was wearing ended up all over our sheets.

Then there was Natalie Wood when we were shooting "Penelope,"

Shelley Winters in "Patch Of Blue"...

- Hell, even you. - Virginia: I'm sorry?

Isabella: You haven't seen the way he's been looking at you?

Virginia: We have had great success with struggling couples,

but that's only when both partners are committed

to each other and to the program.

Isabella: I'm committed. We're committed.

When we first met, there wasn't any place we wouldn't make love.

He once had me in a fountain in Rome at 3:00 in the morning.

Sober.

All those coins shifting under my feet...

It was like we were gods, and we could do whatever we pleased.

Just the scent of him and I would climax.

But now...

Now we can't go out for a burger

without some waitress leaning over his plate

as though her tits were on the menu.

You want to know the real reason that I can't come?

Those other women.

Why does he need them when he has me?

Do you know how many men would give their right arm to have me?

God, and I'm not talking

about the Johnny Lunch buckets of the world,

but princes, leading men, directors.

And yet somehow, I'm the one

who's made to feel like some shriveled, old crone.

I am asking you, right now,

who on God's green earth wouldn't want to fuck this?!

Virginia: The problem is, she's insane.

William: I'm not saying this case isn't a challenge...

Virginia: Landing on the Moon is a challenge.

William: Virginia, we can't choose cases

based on degree of difficulty.

Virginia: That's not true.

We've rejected couples in the past.

William: Based on a wide array of circumstances

outside our expertise, but frigidity is our expertise.

Virginia: And I feel strongly that there are core problems

between this couple that are beyond our skill set,

meaning our time could be better spent doing anything

rather than going down with this sinking ship.

William: It is not a good idea to alienate this community

by dumping these patients.

Virginia: What community?

The one that gets you 50-yard-line tickets?

William: The community that pays $3,000

for two weeks of our expert advice.

Virginia: They agreed to that number?

William: Betty's already cashed the check.

[ Knock on door ]

Dan: I'm not interrupting anything, am I?

- William: Yes, actually... - Virginia: Not at all.

Dan: Anyway, I'm ready in the exam room.

Virginia, whenever you're ready.

William: Actually, um, I'll join you two today.

You can... bring me up to speed.

You know, there is one problem I've managed to solve.

Chancery Park Plaza Hotel. 9:00.

Dr. and Mrs. Holden have returned after a long absence.

Virginia: All right.

I'm going to take another reading.

Lester: You gonna make me keep pedaling until I pass out?

Virginia: We need as much sweat as we can gather, Lester.

Dan: It's suspected human pheromones are secreted

via perspiration by way of the sweat glands, in the armpits--

William: I know that's a theory.

I wasn't aware

there was empirical evidence to support it.

Dan: We're working on it.

William: Are we?

But the work we've done so far is more or less theoretical?

Dan: More or less.

Look, I've made a fortune

covering unpleasant smells with lemon and perfume,

but I have no idea how to market the smell of...

- Lester: Stink. - Virginia: Well, actually,

what we're smelling is Lester's bacteria.

That's what's giving off

this unpleasant high school locker-room tang.

Lester: You're welcome.

Virginia: And what we'll be experimenting with, hopefully,

is the subliminal scent.

Dan: The smell behind the stink.

Both: The holy grail of attraction.

William: Or...

we can call it a "love potion."

Dan: Exactly. Better loving through chemistry.

William: Although I'd hardly call it chemistry.

Dan: What would you call it, then?

William: A trick, essentially. I mean, isn't it a trick?

You're trying to manipulate a person

into feeling a sexual attraction

for someone whom they might not, in actual fact,

be attracted to at all.

Dan: Or you could say

I'm developing a product customers want.

William: I doubt many customers

want to be duped into falling in love.

Virginia: I think what we all want is to uncover

the essential link between scent and human sexual response.

William: Well, that might be what we're interested in,

Virginia, because our work is the work of scientific inquiry,

but I think Mr. Logan has other interests.

Dan: Yes. Yes, I do.

I want to take nature's guidelines for pointing us

to the right mate and simply give it a little boost.

William: Nature doesn't need a little boost.

Dan: Nature can always be improved upon.

William: Well, she's done just fine for millennia

without the interference of salesmen.

Dan: She came up with polio,

and science didn't have a problem interfering with that.

Virginia: I think that by taking our science

and combining it with Mr. Logan's commerce,

what we're really doing here is creating a happy marriage.

Lester: I think I'm having a stroke.

William: So what you might do in a short-yardage situation,

the quarterback takes the snap

and then dives ahead while the line charges forward.

Okay?

Now, there's not usually much yardage gained like that,

but Dennis did manage to get 7 yards out of it yesterday...

Where have you been, Lib?

I'm due back at work in an hour.

Libby: Oh, I had to drop Jenny off at her friend Karen's.

Her mother was running late.

Hi, you.

What are you two up to?

William: I was just showing Johnny

how a quarterback sneak works.

Libby: Are you playing quarterback now?

Johnny: Um, something Dennis did in the game yesterday.

Libby: Dennis...?

Johnny: Dennis Daughtry.

Libby: The boy playing quarterback yesterday

was Dennis Daughtry?

William: I had no idea he was on the team.

Johnny: Sure talked to him long enough.

William: Well, you're on the same side now.

And I want it to go well.

Johnny: I'm gonna go read.

William: It'll be all right.

I'll be there to make sure it is.

[ "Take Five" plays ]

[ Sighs ]

Good evening.

Thomas: Good evening, Dr. Masters.

I would just like to say

that we are very honored to have you at our hotel.

The wife brought home your book and just having it in the house

has put some real pizzazz into things.

And Mrs. Johnson is with you.

Oh, lovely.

So, how can I be of assistance?

William: Mrs. Johnson and I are...

uh, on our way to a symposium.

We need to pay for our drinks. We can't locate a waiter.

Thomas: Consider it taken care of.

William: Thank you. That's very generous.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

We can't stay here.

Virginia: He recognized us?

Well... Where do we go now?

William: Well, I have to hand it to you, Virginia.

You've turned this into a very pleasant and inviting--

Virginia: Lab.

It is a lab, Bill.

Far cry from silk sheets and room service.

William: All right, but...

hotels are out since the book has now made us recognizable.

We can't use your house because your parents appear

to have taken up permanent residence.

I guess there's always the car.

You know, the point of this evening

was not to make you sigh-- in despair, anyway.

Virginia: It's like we've been forced back to ground zero.

Another version of the Wash U lab where we first had sex.

William: "Ground zero" makes it sound unnecessarily grim.

Virginia: Starting a relationship in a lab

is hardly a proper courtship.

William: We had a courtship. We did.

Unorthodox, by most standards, but we definitely had one.

Virginia: We had a negotiation.

And then we hooked ourselves up to wires

while we talked each other through the stages of arousal.

Nature was not why we got together, Bill.

Work was.

William: Well, I can assure you that nature played a part.

Virginia: Yes, but do you ever...

Do you ever wonder what it might've been like

if we had met differently?

At a dinner party,

sitting on opposite ends of the table...

And how, if the whole evening, people were talking to us,

but we were only half listening

because we were drawn to each other.

William: That's not a courtship.

That's a schoolgirl fantasy.

Besides, I think it's unfair

that romantic circumstances alone

define what is considered a natural courtship.

Virginia: Let's be honest, Bill.

What we had was about as natural as two amoeba in a Petri dish.

[ Television playing ]

Tessie...

Your hair looks like...

Tessa: It exploded? I know.

Grandma.

The hair spray's making me nauseous.

Virginia: Well, then you should wash it out, honey.

Tessa: I don't know.

This whole thing seems so important to her.

Edna: My goodness, Mary Virginia,

the hours you keep

I thought Tessa was exaggerating,

but apparently not.

I'm just wondering if Bill kept you out so late.

Because if that's so, then may--

Virginia: How dare you give Tessa that preposterous hairdo.

What did you tell her?

That she looks pretty-- prettier?

Edna: I think she does look pretty.

Virginia: She looks like a stovetop scrubber.

Edna: She looks like Miss America.

And what's wrong with that?

You certainly were one for the pageants back in the day.

Don't talk to me about those pageants. I hated those pageants.

Edna: Well, if that's how you choose to remember it, fine.

All I'm doing is trying to have

a relationship with my granddaughter,

which is what that girl really needs.

That's why I'm here, honey.

I'm here to take care of you and Tessa and--

Virginia: But you don't take care of me!

You belittle me! And you criticize me!

Edna: You know what?

Whether you like it or not, I am your mother.

And Tessa is our chance to finally get this right.

Virginia: Don't you bring Tessa into this.

Edna: You don't mean that.

Virginia: I have never meant anything more.

Edna: Mm.

Virginia: Don't you know

that all I've ever wanted was... your approval?

For you to just be proud of me with no strings attached?

But you can't do it, can you?!

That's fine.

Because it's too late for us,

but I will not let you take my daughter and twist her

into some version of herself that she will come to loathe.

Edna: Oh. I make you feel horrible?

Isn't that a little bit like blaming the messenger, hmm?

I can love you, Mary Virginia,

and I can still tell you the truth.

Why is it you can't hear it?

Libby: It's a small leak, but it's steady.

Vincent: Uh-huh.

Libby: Do you want some coffee? I just made some.

Vincent: I'm good, thanks.

Libby: It's funny.

For years, I've been making coffee for two,

and I haven't quite mastered the half pot.

Seems obvious, you know?

Half the water, half the coffee,

and yet it's either too weak or too bitter.

Yet somehow the highlight of my day is this kitchen table,

this chair and that first sip.

Washer's bent.

Yeah, I'm gonna have to grab another one from dowtairs.

So, you and the hubby are split, then?

Libby: Uh... yeah, I'm, uh... I'm afraid so.

Vincent: Yeah? You have any kids?

Libby: Um, yeah.

I do. I have three beautiful children.

Vincent: Yeah, that's what I most regret about my divorce--

what happened with my kids.

Libby: Nothing bad is gonna happen to my kids.

I have made sure of it.

Well, you are a miracle worker then.

Oh, yeah. I checked up on your lease,

and you're paid up for six months, so...

enjoy your stay here... Mrs. Edley.

[ Door opens, closes ]

Virginia: You need to re-do these forms, Mr. Neely.

Your one-word, perfunctory answers are not going to cut it.

Al: I was never very good with tests.

Always got distracted by girls like you.

Virginia: Right.

Start with number 12, please.

Mmh.

What form of contraception have you used?

You wrote "Television".

Always 100% effective.

Virginia: I will be back to collect your answers shortly.

It's warm.

William: Well, we find it makes penetration easier.

And you watch? From behind the glass?

William: I do.

We just want to rule out any physical problems

that may be preventing you from achieving orgasm.

Isabella: Then I guess I'll just wait for you to yell, "Action."

William: Good. Let's get started.

Anything?

Thoughts? Feelings?

Beth: I need to pick up some tide on my way home?

Virginia: You're sure? No arousal or...?

Beth: Sorry.

[ Sniffs ] Smells like my old boyfriend's hamper.

Virginia: All right. Thank you, Beth.

Dan: Lester's sweat strikes out again.

I'm starting to lose hope.

Virginia: Well, I wouldn't yet.

See these spikes?

Dan: Mm-hmm.

Virginia: Her mouth's saying, "No,"

but her vagina says, "Yes."

How did I do?

William: You achieved orgasm at 54 seconds.

54 seconds?

So I'm not frigid after all?

Skin flush, blotches apparent on the neck and back,

nipples erect and

the beginnings of vaginal lubrication.

Dan: Yet they all insist that they're not aroused,

that they find Lester's smell repugnant.

Virginia: There's something in that stinky sweat

that keeps drawing these women in.

Dan: Mm.

William: Obviously, being alone in here,

minus distractions,

allowed you to relax, let nature take its course.

Isabella: You are leaving out one very attentive...

and handsome variable.

William: Uh...

that, uh... "Variable" is what's commonly known as transference.

It's a perfectly normal phenomenon that can occur

during the course of a therapeutic relationship.

Rest assured, what you felt can easily be explained by science.

Isabella: Dr. Masters...

what you call science, most would call chemistry.

Paul: You feel that? Not bad, though, right?

You can move it.

Libby: Johnny, what happened?

Paul: Well, the game ended, and you weren't there,

so I took Johnny home myself.

Libby: But what happened to his leg?

Paul: He just ended up on the wrong end of a pile-up.

He strained his ankle is all. He's fine.

Johnny: Got two tackles today, mom.

You missed it.

Libby: Two tackles, and now you're hurt.

- Where is your father? - Johnny: He missed it, too.

Paul: Apparently, Bill had to work,

so I was coaching alone today.

Libby: So no one was paying attention when Johnny got hurt?

Paul: It's a contact sport, Libby.

It's how it works.

Here, stand up, Johnny. He's all right.

Johnny: I'm fine.

Paul: There, see? He's fine.

It's just a bruise--

Libby: He's not fine! He is limping!

Paul: And soon, he won't be.

Libby: I'm gonna have a doctor look at him.

Paul: Libby, he doesn't need a doctor.

He just needs to walk it off,

and tomorrow morning, he'll be fine.

Johnny: Mom, I'm okay.

Libby: That's it. There is no more football.

Johnny: But I have a game tomorrow.

Libby: And you won't be in it.

You are retiring, starting now.

Why are you looking at Coach Edley?

Johnny: Because I want to play.

Libby: And I am your mother,

and I am telling you, you are done with playing.

Paul: Uh, Johnny, why don't you go get cleaned up,

give your mom and me a moment?

Can I be honest, Libby?

You can't smother a boy like that.

And I'm sure Bill would agree.

Libby: Oh, so now you and Bill both think

that I am "smothering" my son.

Paul: Well, he did mention

that you weren't keen on Johnny joining the team.

But it's good for him.

And I'll tell you what's not good for him

is you yanking him away from the game,

depriving him of the chance to work through the pain,

to learn how to be a man instead of you mollycoddling him.

Libby: Oh. You don't believe in mollycoddling.

Paul: No, I absolutely do not,

and I strongly urge you to change your position here.

Libby: So you think everyone

should just take their medicine straight, is that it?

Or is my "mollycoddling" you the exception?

Me? What do I have to do with any of this?

Libby: I'm talking about your wife, how she was drowning,

how suffocated she felt by your life together--

how unhappy she was.

Paul: Libby, if this is some sort of--

Libby: Joy had an apartment. She was one foot out the door.

As far as she was concerned, your marriage was over.

There.

No more mollycoddling for anyone.

Paul...

[ Door closes ]

William: Mrs. Johnson and I have been talking,

and we have pinpointed some possible impediments

to your treatment here.

Virginia: Infidelity, for starters.

A certain lack of commitment to our process.

William: A propensity on both your parts to focus on others

as potential romantic attachments.

Al: We're public figures. We're paid to be charming.

Isabella: That doesn't mean

we're not committed to fixing our marriage.

Virginia: All right.

Let's talk about one particular question on our intake forms.

"What attracted you most to your spouse when you first met?"

William: What did you write for that, Mrs. Neely?

Isabella: That I was attracted by Al's smile and body and...

the way he came up to me at the Brown derby--

didn't even know me-- and said, "I want you."

Virginia: And how did you answer that question, Mr. Neely?

Al: I don't know. Probably some smart-ass answer.

Virginia: That's what I thought, too.

At first. But then I reread it.

"What attracted you most?"

And you wrote, "She was 20 feet tall."

Al: I told you. It's a smart-ass answer.

Isabella: But what did that even mean?

Al: Nothing.

Just...

the first time I met Isabella...

I was sitting in a dark theater with a bunch of other men...

watching... lusting...

knowing that was as close as they'd ever get to her.

But for me, Isabella was within reach.

I knew that woman up there on that screen,

on all those magazine covers...

the one that did Perry Como...

I knew she didn't have to vanish when the lights went up.

I could have her.

Isabella: Al, I was more than some... conquest.

I felt it. I was there, too.

Al: And that first night at the derby,

all I wanted was to have you right then and there.

Isabella: Yes, that's how I felt, too.

Virginia: And then what happened?

Al: After we'd... been together awhile...

I started thinking about... that woman up on the screen...

wishing that I had her...

and not the real version sitting beside me.

Isabella: Al...

why are you being so cruel?

Al: What's cruel...

is that I never told you that.

William: Well, you were right.

They were doomed the moment they came in.

[ Elevator stops ]

Virginia: You've got to be kidding me.

William: Why not in an elevator?

Or in a car?

Or in the middle of a damn field, if we feel like it...

Virginia: Do you feel like it? After that?

William: None of this would be an issue

if you'd just ask your parents to leave.

Virginia: I did. They'll be gone by tomorrow.

William: Look, wait. It wasn't just work.

Your dinner? The crowded table?

The intoxicating conversation? We had that.

The moment you walked into my office.

I will never forget the first time I ever saw you, Virginia.

I was standing by the elevator in Maternity.

And I turned, and there you were...

behind the glass.

And, granted, we were surrounded by patients and secretaries

and the hospital loud speaker squawking down the hall,

but just to dismiss that as only work...

Well, that's a fairy tale, too.

We would have found each other at that party.

We would have stayed by each other's side.

We would have found a way to see each other again.

Virginia: Maybe we would have.

But then again, we'll never know.

[ Elevator starts ]

Vincent: I should warn you...

your husband is waiting in your apartment.

Libby: Thank you.

William: Come on. Go past--

[ TV announcer speaking indistinctly ]

[ Doorbell rings ]

Dennis? What are you...

- It's after 9:00. - Dennis: I know.

I was just... wondering why you didn't coach today.

You didn't quit, did you?

William: No. No, I-- I didn't quit.

Does your mother know you're here?

Dennis: My mom's out.

William: Is she working?

Dennis: Just out.

William: Uh, I'm, uh, watching the game.

You want to come in?

Dennis: And you can give me my football.

[ Knock on wall ]

Dan: Well, I thought you'd left.

Virginia: I had.

But then I-- I remembered--

Dan: You remembered we had a good day

and made some real progress.

Virginia: Well, we're not quite there yet.

That was a very small sampling.

Dan: To the love potion inside sweat that makes poets write,

artists paint, and turns a walk in the dark

into a moonlight stroll.

Are you hearing the zing of your heartstrings?

Virginia: Not exactly.

Dan: [ Chuckles ]

Virginia: But then again,

I'm not wired up to monitoring equipment,

so perhaps I am feeling something

but I'm just unaware.

Dan: You never wired yourself up, you and Bill?

Virginia: No. We never wired ourselves.

Dan: Mm.

Then let's do a little experiment.

Virginia: What kind of experiment?

Dan: Well, I'm still having a hard time believing

that a person's body can respond sexually

without the person knowing.

We're not moths.

Maybe people need to be inches away from each other,

which is why God invented dancing.

Virginia: [ Chuckles ]

This is hardly an experiment

that would stand up to any scientific standard.

Dan: It's a good thing I'm not a scientist.

But do you feel anything?

Any kind of, as you would say, physiological response?

Virginia: I don't.

Dan: Mm. Me neither.

But then again...

it's just what's happening on the surface.

As we learned today, we don't really know

what's happening in the... nether regions.

Virginia: Is that your technical term?

Dan: Your pudenda.

Virginia: [ Laughing ] No, that's too technical.

Dan: It's really nice to see you laugh, Virginia.

You still don't feel anything?

Virginia: No.

Dan: Mm.

Still?

Virginia: Still nothing.

William: 1933 football stars set, mint condition.

Took me two years to put together the whole collection.

Dennis: That is so cool.

I got a half collection from '64 somewhere.

William: Yeah?

Dennis: Things get lost a lot at my house.

William: You know, I'll tell you what.

You, uh... you pick out any card you like,

and, uh... just give me the stats,

and I will give you a quarter for any one I don't get.

Okay, go ahead. Any one you like.

Just the stats.

- You got one? - Dennis: Yes.

William: Go ahead.

Dennis: 1932, four touchdowns...

[ Television playing ]

Virginia: Tessa... it's almost midnight.

Tessa: Unless we're in different time zones,

it's midnight for you, too.

Virginia: Yes, but I'm not up by choice.

I had to work.

I like your hair.

Tessa: Took four washes and a bottle of mayonnaise,

but I got it back to normal.

Virginia: Well, you look pretty.

You-- you look like you.

What are you reading?

Tessa: There's a really interesting article

in "Teen Society" this month that I wanted to show you.

Virginia: Oh? What's it about?

Tessa: Well, I, um...

It's nothing important.

I think I'm gonna go to bed.

Virginia: No, honey. Show me.

Tessa: Tomorrow, okay?

Virginia: Okay.

- Good night. - Tessa: Good night.

Betty: Turns out your Hollywood couple

wasn't a complete waste of time.

It already led to one referral.

Steve: We know it's probably not your normal case, but, uh...

well, we just don't know where else to turn.

I mean, it's as if he's lost all interest in girls.

I mean, they're animals, after all.

How hard can it really be?

Man: ♪ whoa-oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm ♪

♪ it's a light and tumble journey ♪

♪ from the east side to the park ♪

♪ just a fine and fancy ramble to the zoo ♪

♪ but you can take the cross-town bus ♪

♪ if it's raining or it's cold ♪

♪ and the animals will love it if you do ♪

Sync and corrections by n17t01 www.addic7ed.com

♪ if you do, now ♪

♪ something tells me it's all happening at the zoo ♪

♪ I do believe it ♪

♪ I do believe it's true ♪

♪ mm mm, mmm ♪

♪ mm mm mm, mmm ♪

♪ whoa-oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ mm mm mm, mmm ♪

♪ the monkeys stand for honesty ♪

♪ giraffes are insincere ♪

♪ and the elephants are kindly, but they're dumb ♪

♪ orangutans are skeptical of changes... ♪

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