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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,035 --> 00:00:05,606 Sex is an important part of being a human being. 2 00:00:05,639 --> 00:00:09,377 We are not talking about sex in the trans community. 3 00:00:09,410 --> 00:00:10,678 When people in our community say, 4 00:00:10,711 --> 00:00:12,413 "Don't ask me about my genitals," 5 00:00:12,446 --> 00:00:15,249 I have to disagree, and I want to talk about my genitals 6 00:00:15,283 --> 00:00:19,320 because I live an amazing life with a vagina. 7 00:00:19,353 --> 00:00:22,623 [ Cheers and applause ] 8 00:00:22,656 --> 00:00:27,828 ** 9 00:00:27,861 --> 00:00:31,265 Karley: I love talking to my girlfriends about sex stuff. 10 00:00:31,299 --> 00:00:34,202 It's like a sewing circle, but for sluts. 11 00:00:34,235 --> 00:00:37,238 [ Telephone rings ] Oh, that must be one of my slutty friends now. 12 00:00:37,271 --> 00:00:39,140 Nomi: Hey, girl. It's Nomi. 13 00:00:39,173 --> 00:00:40,408 You know what we don't talk about enough? 14 00:00:40,441 --> 00:00:43,144 -What? -Sex in the trans community. 15 00:00:43,177 --> 00:00:45,213 True. 16 00:00:45,246 --> 00:00:47,215 I wonder why. 17 00:00:47,248 --> 00:00:55,323 ** 18 00:00:55,356 --> 00:00:57,825 I'm not transgender and therefore cannot speak 19 00:00:57,858 --> 00:00:59,627 to the trans experience. 20 00:00:59,660 --> 00:01:02,363 But as a sex-positive, slut-positive feminist, 21 00:01:02,396 --> 00:01:04,165 I've always found talking openly 22 00:01:04,198 --> 00:01:07,568 about sex extremely valuable and fun. 23 00:01:07,601 --> 00:01:10,371 My friend Nomi Ruiz is a singer, performer, 24 00:01:10,404 --> 00:01:13,407 and an outspoken voice in the trans community. 25 00:01:13,441 --> 00:01:15,709 I really appreciate you talking to me about sex 26 00:01:15,743 --> 00:01:17,545 because it's my favorite subject. 27 00:01:17,578 --> 00:01:19,847 Oh, my God. Mine too. That's why we get along so well. 28 00:01:19,880 --> 00:01:22,316 Sex is a big part of my brand. It's a big part of my message. 29 00:01:22,350 --> 00:01:26,187 It's a big part of my music and my art. 30 00:01:26,220 --> 00:01:28,322 I would love to, like, see it more in pop culture 31 00:01:28,356 --> 00:01:30,624 and people having more fun with conversations with it 32 00:01:30,658 --> 00:01:32,426 and, like, not taking it so serious 33 00:01:32,460 --> 00:01:36,830 and just, like, having fun with sex. I agree. 34 00:01:36,864 --> 00:01:39,633 Last year, I interviewed Nomi in an article for Vogue, 35 00:01:39,667 --> 00:01:41,235 where she described her experience 36 00:01:41,269 --> 00:01:43,471 going through gender confirmation surgery 37 00:01:43,504 --> 00:01:45,306 and how it affected her sex life. 38 00:01:45,339 --> 00:01:46,840 How do you think the conversation around sex 39 00:01:46,874 --> 00:01:48,609 within the trans community has evolved 40 00:01:48,642 --> 00:01:50,478 over the past handful of years? 41 00:01:50,511 --> 00:01:54,382 We've really made a big impact on culture, 42 00:01:54,415 --> 00:01:55,516 which is amazing. 43 00:01:55,549 --> 00:01:57,485 At the same time, in Hollywood, 44 00:01:57,518 --> 00:02:00,621 they have been exploiting the trans narrative. 45 00:02:00,654 --> 00:02:02,323 When people think of Laverne Cox 46 00:02:02,356 --> 00:02:04,558 and other prominent trans people were saying, 47 00:02:04,592 --> 00:02:07,228 "Stop talking about surgery, stop talking about sex," 48 00:02:07,261 --> 00:02:09,263 did you agree with them to a degree? 49 00:02:09,297 --> 00:02:13,234 Your private parts are different now, aren't they? 50 00:02:13,267 --> 00:02:16,770 I don't want to talk about it because it's really personal. 51 00:02:16,804 --> 00:02:18,739 The preoccupation with transition, with surgery, 52 00:02:18,772 --> 00:02:20,341 objectifies trans people, 53 00:02:20,374 --> 00:02:21,909 and then we don't get to really deal 54 00:02:21,942 --> 00:02:23,611 with the real lived experiences, 55 00:02:23,644 --> 00:02:26,647 the reality of trans people's lives. 56 00:02:26,680 --> 00:02:29,183 I feel that, you know, my community has done a lot 57 00:02:29,217 --> 00:02:31,219 to create boundaries with society 58 00:02:31,252 --> 00:02:33,521 that let people know they don't have access to our bodies 59 00:02:33,554 --> 00:02:35,889 and that we are entitled to our privacy, 60 00:02:35,923 --> 00:02:37,825 and we shouldn't be objectified. 61 00:02:37,858 --> 00:02:39,927 If you wouldn't ask that to, like... 62 00:02:39,960 --> 00:02:41,729 -Tom Cruise. -...Nicole Kidman, yeah, 63 00:02:41,762 --> 00:02:46,934 then why would you feel like you have access to that information? 64 00:02:46,967 --> 00:02:49,370 But, at the same time, I feel like those boundaries 65 00:02:49,403 --> 00:02:52,806 have made it a little difficult to talk about sex and sexuality. 66 00:02:52,840 --> 00:02:54,375 Not talking about something sometimes 67 00:02:54,408 --> 00:02:58,246 makes it feel shameful, and it isn't. 68 00:02:58,279 --> 00:03:00,548 And so, somehow, we have to, like, break the barrier 69 00:03:00,581 --> 00:03:04,885 because there is a time and place to talk about sex. 70 00:03:04,918 --> 00:03:06,887 It's okay to talk about sex. 71 00:03:06,920 --> 00:03:08,622 It should be your choice. It should be... 72 00:03:08,656 --> 00:03:10,291 You know, you should be in control of that dialogue 73 00:03:10,324 --> 00:03:11,692 and that narrative. 74 00:03:11,725 --> 00:03:14,662 Sluts. Sluts for life. 75 00:03:14,695 --> 00:03:16,264 [ Laughs ] 76 00:03:18,699 --> 00:03:20,534 Karley: Clear boundaries have been set 77 00:03:20,568 --> 00:03:22,836 in regard to conversations around sex 78 00:03:22,870 --> 00:03:26,407 in order to respect the privacy of transgender people, 79 00:03:26,440 --> 00:03:28,642 but there is a movement within the trans community 80 00:03:28,676 --> 00:03:31,545 to open up a dialogue around sex and sexuality 81 00:03:31,579 --> 00:03:33,881 in a respectful, healthy way. 82 00:03:33,914 --> 00:03:36,950 So I came to LA to meet Cameron and Aly, 83 00:03:36,984 --> 00:03:41,889 a couple who have a particularly unique personal story. 84 00:03:41,922 --> 00:03:43,691 Hey. Hi, how are you? 85 00:03:43,724 --> 00:03:45,459 Hi. Come on in. 86 00:03:45,493 --> 00:03:47,295 Thank you. 87 00:03:47,328 --> 00:03:50,364 I was born in the same town Cameron is from. 88 00:03:50,398 --> 00:03:52,500 Small world. I know. 89 00:03:52,533 --> 00:03:53,567 But that's not how you met, right? 90 00:03:53,601 --> 00:03:55,035 -No. -No. Not at all. 91 00:03:55,068 --> 00:03:58,038 We actually met through social media initially. 92 00:03:58,071 --> 00:03:59,940 -Millennial. -Yeah. 93 00:03:59,973 --> 00:04:02,943 Yeah. It was Instagram, actually. 94 00:04:02,976 --> 00:04:04,612 We started following each other. 95 00:04:04,645 --> 00:04:06,714 I remember I got that message from you. 96 00:04:06,747 --> 00:04:08,616 The modern-day rom-com, like, "I slid into your DMs." 97 00:04:08,649 --> 00:04:10,918 Seriously. Slid into the DMs. 98 00:04:10,951 --> 00:04:12,252 [ Laughs ] 99 00:04:15,022 --> 00:04:16,056 You should make breakfast. 100 00:04:16,089 --> 00:04:17,758 You can help me. 101 00:04:17,791 --> 00:04:20,294 Well, we'll make it together. 102 00:04:20,328 --> 00:04:22,763 Yeah, buddy. 103 00:04:22,796 --> 00:04:24,798 How would you like your eggs? 104 00:04:24,832 --> 00:04:26,434 Scrambled. 105 00:04:26,467 --> 00:04:28,369 Things don't always, you know, 106 00:04:28,402 --> 00:04:33,073 appear as they are at first glance. 107 00:04:33,106 --> 00:04:37,044 A stranger would maybe assume that we were cis and straight. 108 00:04:37,077 --> 00:04:41,515 We do receive that cis-hetero-passing privilege, 109 00:04:41,549 --> 00:04:43,751 and we should be bringing to light the fact 110 00:04:43,784 --> 00:04:45,486 that we're actually trans, 111 00:04:45,519 --> 00:04:48,322 and then we've had, you know, surgeries and whatnot, 112 00:04:48,356 --> 00:04:50,691 so we can kind of challenge people's perceptions 113 00:04:50,724 --> 00:04:53,093 and assumptions. 114 00:04:53,126 --> 00:04:55,429 Aside from, like, the serendipity of meeting each other, 115 00:04:55,463 --> 00:04:57,465 both being trans, both being from the same place, 116 00:04:57,498 --> 00:05:01,335 you guys also were going through the experience of surgery 117 00:05:01,369 --> 00:05:03,504 at almost exactly the same time. 118 00:05:03,537 --> 00:05:06,507 Yeah, it's crazy that, within months of each other, 119 00:05:06,540 --> 00:05:07,708 we had surgery. 120 00:05:07,741 --> 00:05:10,378 It also seems like a very difficult 121 00:05:10,411 --> 00:05:12,079 and intense time in your lives. 122 00:05:12,112 --> 00:05:15,816 I don't think there was a lot of difficulty for me, at least. 123 00:05:15,849 --> 00:05:18,852 We had different surgeries, right, and so just, for me, 124 00:05:18,886 --> 00:05:20,921 like, adjusting to a new body, 125 00:05:20,954 --> 00:05:24,792 which I talked before with you, 126 00:05:24,825 --> 00:05:27,027 yeah, it's -- I mean, you change. 127 00:05:27,060 --> 00:05:28,662 You change physically. 128 00:05:28,696 --> 00:05:33,434 It's something that takes time to adjust. 129 00:05:33,467 --> 00:05:37,505 10 -- T-minus 10, 9... 130 00:05:37,538 --> 00:05:39,106 Put extra love into it, babe. 131 00:05:39,139 --> 00:05:40,374 [ Chuckles ] 132 00:05:40,408 --> 00:05:41,709 [ Microwave beeps ] 133 00:05:41,742 --> 00:05:43,611 Yes. 134 00:05:47,715 --> 00:05:52,119 There's been changes in our intimacy as far as, like, sex. 135 00:05:52,152 --> 00:05:55,623 Before, I was awkward because I wasn't comfortable 136 00:05:55,656 --> 00:05:57,891 with what I had, and then now I'm awkward 137 00:05:57,925 --> 00:06:00,628 because I don't know what to do with what I have. 138 00:06:00,661 --> 00:06:03,697 I think that's been a difficult part. 139 00:06:03,731 --> 00:06:05,966 Why did you guys think it was important to talk publicly 140 00:06:05,999 --> 00:06:08,736 about your relationship and your sexuality? 141 00:06:08,769 --> 00:06:11,138 I wanted to just talk about it and, like, 142 00:06:11,171 --> 00:06:12,840 so someone doesn't feel alone. 143 00:06:12,873 --> 00:06:14,742 Like, they might be feeling like, 144 00:06:14,775 --> 00:06:17,144 "Oh, I'm a freak. I can't figure out my body." 145 00:06:17,177 --> 00:06:18,846 They're not alone. 146 00:06:18,879 --> 00:06:21,715 Yeah, I think it's just great to bring visibility 147 00:06:21,749 --> 00:06:25,519 to all the different kinds of trans experiences out there. 148 00:06:25,553 --> 00:06:28,556 I mean, there's not just one way to be trans. 149 00:06:28,589 --> 00:06:31,525 It's important to just shed light on all the different, 150 00:06:31,559 --> 00:06:35,696 you know, ways that trans people can be sexual. 151 00:06:35,729 --> 00:06:37,498 [ Laughs ] 152 00:06:40,668 --> 00:06:42,102 It's painful. It's really painful. 153 00:06:42,135 --> 00:06:43,571 Yeah, I'd be scared of that. 154 00:06:43,604 --> 00:06:45,072 Gender is all socially constructed. 155 00:06:45,105 --> 00:06:47,174 People are so hung up on it, and it's all bullshit. 156 00:06:47,207 --> 00:06:51,044 I remember you said, "Oh, I don't like oral sex from guys." 157 00:06:51,078 --> 00:06:54,047 And I didn't even realize it was just because the guys sucked. 158 00:07:01,021 --> 00:07:04,024 Karley: Cameron and Aly have supported each other through recovery 159 00:07:04,057 --> 00:07:06,494 after their gender-confirming surgeries. 160 00:07:06,527 --> 00:07:09,830 But of course they each had their own unique experience. 161 00:07:09,863 --> 00:07:11,164 Today, Cameron is getting back 162 00:07:11,198 --> 00:07:13,200 to his regular iron-pumping routine, 163 00:07:13,233 --> 00:07:14,802 so I am joining him at the gym 164 00:07:14,835 --> 00:07:16,770 to sit on the sidelines in a leather skirt 165 00:07:16,804 --> 00:07:18,806 and lazily watch him sweat. 166 00:07:18,839 --> 00:07:23,043 I honestly identified as a butch lesbian for, like, 167 00:07:23,076 --> 00:07:26,013 the first 25 years or so of my life. 168 00:07:26,046 --> 00:07:28,616 And, also, I'm a very physical person. 169 00:07:28,649 --> 00:07:31,885 I was a semi-professional rugby player at one point. 170 00:07:31,919 --> 00:07:34,722 My journey, discovering my trans identity, 171 00:07:34,755 --> 00:07:38,792 came during the years that I was playing rugby. 172 00:07:38,826 --> 00:07:41,529 The fitter I am, the better I pass. 173 00:07:41,562 --> 00:07:43,564 And is this the first time you're working out? 174 00:07:43,597 --> 00:07:47,167 Yeah, 7 weeks post-op, and this is the first time 175 00:07:47,200 --> 00:07:50,538 I've been back in a gym, so it feels really good. 176 00:07:50,571 --> 00:07:52,205 You got top surgery. 177 00:07:52,239 --> 00:07:53,607 Yes. 178 00:07:53,641 --> 00:07:55,175 Can you explain what that means? 179 00:07:55,208 --> 00:08:00,981 My surgeon was able to reduce the size of my breast tissue, 180 00:08:01,014 --> 00:08:04,785 and he did a procedure where he actually kept the blood supply 181 00:08:04,818 --> 00:08:07,955 and the nerve ending attached to the nipples, 182 00:08:07,988 --> 00:08:10,057 and then made them more cis-looking, 183 00:08:10,090 --> 00:08:12,626 which means smaller and farther out to the side. 184 00:08:12,660 --> 00:08:15,228 I feel much more comfortable in my skin now 185 00:08:15,262 --> 00:08:17,798 after having top surgery. 186 00:08:17,831 --> 00:08:22,703 I would oftentimes wear shirts or tank tops during sex, 187 00:08:22,736 --> 00:08:24,572 never be completely naked with your partner. 188 00:08:24,605 --> 00:08:27,541 And now I can be, so that's, like, another level of intimacy 189 00:08:27,575 --> 00:08:28,776 that you can achieve, right? 190 00:08:28,809 --> 00:08:30,077 You know, fuck having tits, right? 191 00:08:30,110 --> 00:08:31,979 It's like... [ Laughs ] 192 00:08:32,012 --> 00:08:36,717 Do you identify as a straight man? 193 00:08:36,750 --> 00:08:39,052 To be technical, it is heterosexual 194 00:08:39,086 --> 00:08:41,021 because I'm attracted to the opposite, 195 00:08:41,054 --> 00:08:44,892 but I say, overall, I identify as trans queer 196 00:08:44,925 --> 00:08:49,262 because I still want to honor my queer experience of, 197 00:08:49,296 --> 00:08:54,267 you know, those 25 years of being a stone-cold butch dyke. 198 00:08:54,301 --> 00:08:56,003 It just is so complicated. 199 00:08:56,036 --> 00:08:58,105 It feels like, at a point with sexuality and gender, 200 00:08:58,138 --> 00:08:59,973 it's, like, should we just, like, have no labels 201 00:09:00,007 --> 00:09:01,341 because it's, like, too much. 202 00:09:01,374 --> 00:09:03,110 Gender is all socially constructed anyway, 203 00:09:03,143 --> 00:09:05,579 so it's all bullshit. 204 00:09:05,613 --> 00:09:06,980 People are so hung up on it, 205 00:09:07,014 --> 00:09:08,315 and it's so important to just realize, like, 206 00:09:08,348 --> 00:09:11,652 the fluidity of people's gender expression 207 00:09:11,685 --> 00:09:12,953 and then their sexuality, 208 00:09:12,986 --> 00:09:15,088 and it so beautifully evolves for a lot of us. 209 00:09:15,122 --> 00:09:17,891 It's not just fixed in one way. 210 00:09:17,925 --> 00:09:20,661 Karley: For Cameron, surgery has increased his confidence 211 00:09:20,694 --> 00:09:22,329 and his ability to be intimate. 212 00:09:22,362 --> 00:09:25,999 But the process of recovery can be complex. 213 00:09:26,033 --> 00:09:29,770 Aly: I had my surgery about 7 months ago. 214 00:09:29,803 --> 00:09:31,839 Everybody just thinks like, "Oh, a penis or, like, 215 00:09:31,872 --> 00:09:34,742 a clitoris are not the same," but they're very similar. 216 00:09:34,775 --> 00:09:38,912 And so they just, like, reshape it and, like, reposition, right? 217 00:09:38,946 --> 00:09:41,214 There's a very physical process that you have to go 218 00:09:41,248 --> 00:09:43,283 through in recovery to surgery, right? 219 00:09:43,316 --> 00:09:45,953 Mm-hmm. There's a muscle in that area. 220 00:09:45,986 --> 00:09:49,056 That muscle is not used to having a cavity, 221 00:09:49,089 --> 00:09:52,626 so if you don't keep it open, it'll close. 222 00:09:52,660 --> 00:09:54,127 So it's really important to dilate. 223 00:09:54,161 --> 00:09:55,929 You have to dilate every day. 224 00:09:55,963 --> 00:09:59,132 Can you explain what dilation is? 225 00:09:59,166 --> 00:10:05,105 So you pretty much get this silicone rod dildo-type thing. 226 00:10:05,138 --> 00:10:08,275 It's not as erotic as it sounds. 227 00:10:08,308 --> 00:10:09,376 It's just really hard. 228 00:10:09,409 --> 00:10:10,744 Do you want to see them? 229 00:10:10,778 --> 00:10:11,979 Yeah. 230 00:10:12,012 --> 00:10:13,714 It's made perfectly to fit, 231 00:10:13,747 --> 00:10:17,117 and it has little dots to indicate the size. 232 00:10:17,150 --> 00:10:19,119 They're a little thicker at the ends, 233 00:10:19,152 --> 00:10:21,354 but they're all the same length. 234 00:10:21,388 --> 00:10:23,991 I started with this one. This is the one I learned with. 235 00:10:24,024 --> 00:10:26,426 My depth is about right here. 236 00:10:26,459 --> 00:10:29,763 And then this one, I'm terrified of just because it... 237 00:10:29,797 --> 00:10:31,899 I mean, it's not that thick, but it looks... 238 00:10:31,932 --> 00:10:33,033 Yeah, I'd be scared of that. 239 00:10:33,066 --> 00:10:34,702 It looks big. It's painful. 240 00:10:34,735 --> 00:10:36,403 It's really painful, and your nerves, 241 00:10:36,436 --> 00:10:39,339 they become numb from kind of the trauma 242 00:10:39,372 --> 00:10:41,809 they go through, and they start coming back, 243 00:10:41,842 --> 00:10:44,144 and it hurts like hell. 244 00:10:44,177 --> 00:10:45,913 There's depression too. 245 00:10:45,946 --> 00:10:47,981 I'm still depressed, I feel, 246 00:10:48,015 --> 00:10:49,449 and I didn't think I would be depressed. 247 00:10:49,482 --> 00:10:52,219 You would think that I'd be really happy, and... 248 00:10:52,252 --> 00:10:54,922 What do you think the depression is from? 249 00:10:54,955 --> 00:10:58,892 As a trans woman, I guess I have expectations for myself 250 00:10:58,926 --> 00:11:01,161 that I've created since I was very little 251 00:11:01,194 --> 00:11:02,963 of what I want to look like. 252 00:11:02,996 --> 00:11:06,700 I thought, "Once I get surgery, I'll be happy," 253 00:11:06,734 --> 00:11:08,201 but I'm still not. 254 00:11:08,235 --> 00:11:10,337 Do other people in the community or other trans women 255 00:11:10,370 --> 00:11:12,773 who have gone through surgery talk about something similar? 256 00:11:12,806 --> 00:11:16,343 So when I looked online to see if it had the information 257 00:11:16,376 --> 00:11:18,245 regarding post-op about sex, 258 00:11:18,278 --> 00:11:21,982 about post-op life, it was really hard to find. 259 00:11:24,051 --> 00:11:26,353 There seemed to be kind of, like, shame 260 00:11:26,386 --> 00:11:30,490 and kind of a stigma to talk about it. 261 00:11:30,523 --> 00:11:32,359 It takes a lot of courage for Aly 262 00:11:32,392 --> 00:11:35,996 to open up about how she's still struggling after her surgery. 263 00:11:36,029 --> 00:11:37,497 It reminds me of what Nomi said 264 00:11:37,530 --> 00:11:39,499 about going through similar struggles. 265 00:11:39,532 --> 00:11:43,370 When I decided to have my surgery, I just felt so isolated 266 00:11:43,403 --> 00:11:45,873 and so alone, and I was, like, terrified. 267 00:11:45,906 --> 00:11:48,742 There was just so much that I didn't expect, you know, 268 00:11:48,776 --> 00:11:51,411 and it's been a learning process. 269 00:11:51,444 --> 00:11:54,481 Still, to this day, I'm learning more and more and more. 270 00:11:54,514 --> 00:11:57,384 If we just talk about it more, I think it doesn't have to be 271 00:11:57,417 --> 00:11:59,887 so isolating and so scary. 272 00:11:59,920 --> 00:12:03,323 What do you want to say to young women of trans experience 273 00:12:03,356 --> 00:12:07,394 about sex and about sexuality 274 00:12:07,427 --> 00:12:10,363 that you wish someone had told you when you were younger? 275 00:12:10,397 --> 00:12:13,366 I feel like a lot of girls going through this journey 276 00:12:13,400 --> 00:12:16,403 blame their body, or, like, they blame their trans-ness. 277 00:12:16,436 --> 00:12:18,538 I remember there was this one guy going down on me 278 00:12:18,571 --> 00:12:20,140 for, like, an hour, 279 00:12:20,173 --> 00:12:21,942 and I'm trying to get into it because I'm like, 280 00:12:21,975 --> 00:12:23,811 "I have to enjoy this. It would suck if I don't." 281 00:12:23,844 --> 00:12:27,414 And I'm like, "It's a disaster. I can't focus. I'm in pain." 282 00:12:27,447 --> 00:12:29,049 I'm just like, "What is... something..." 283 00:12:29,082 --> 00:12:30,884 And I would blame it on myself. 284 00:12:30,918 --> 00:12:33,220 And I didn't even realize it was just because the guy sucked. 285 00:12:33,253 --> 00:12:35,923 And then, like, when I kept, you know, trying, 286 00:12:35,956 --> 00:12:37,290 and I met something that was amazing, 287 00:12:37,324 --> 00:12:40,327 it was, of course, heavenly. 288 00:12:40,360 --> 00:12:42,562 Oh, it's real. It's so real. 289 00:12:42,595 --> 00:12:44,497 That's what I want to share with other people. 290 00:12:44,531 --> 00:12:49,236 There is, like, a beautiful light at the end of the tunnel. 291 00:12:49,269 --> 00:12:51,571 It's liberating to a woman who has been forced 292 00:12:51,604 --> 00:12:53,306 to have this open mind with sex 293 00:12:53,340 --> 00:12:56,109 and sexuality and gender and the human body. 294 00:12:56,143 --> 00:12:57,310 It's sexy, you know. 295 00:12:57,344 --> 00:13:00,280 I think so. I think so too. 296 00:13:00,313 --> 00:13:03,316 Sluts! [ Laughs ] 297 00:13:03,350 --> 00:13:05,252 It was embarrassing to be a man with a vagina. 298 00:13:05,285 --> 00:13:08,255 And there were my fingers, inside of me, 299 00:13:08,288 --> 00:13:12,425 and I had the most amazing orgasm of my life. 300 00:13:18,465 --> 00:13:19,499 Karley: Few people have advocated for the importance 301 00:13:21,268 --> 00:13:22,870 of an open conversation around sex 302 00:13:22,903 --> 00:13:25,305 in the trans community more than Buck Angel. 303 00:13:25,338 --> 00:13:28,942 Buck is an LGBTQ activist, a sex educator, 304 00:13:28,976 --> 00:13:31,611 a sex-toy inventor, and a pornographer. 305 00:13:31,644 --> 00:13:33,480 Respect. 306 00:13:33,513 --> 00:13:35,548 Karley: Do you think that now we're finally getting to a point 307 00:13:35,582 --> 00:13:37,350 where the idea of transsexuality 308 00:13:37,384 --> 00:13:39,352 is something that we can talk about, 309 00:13:39,386 --> 00:13:42,355 and people are more accepting of? 310 00:13:42,389 --> 00:13:45,225 No. I don't think so. [ Laughs ] No. 311 00:13:45,258 --> 00:13:47,160 I tend to be one of the only people 312 00:13:47,194 --> 00:13:49,596 out there really pushing for talking about, 313 00:13:49,629 --> 00:13:51,498 you know, sex within the trans community, 314 00:13:51,531 --> 00:13:54,401 and I get a lot of pushback from parts of this community, 315 00:13:54,434 --> 00:13:57,137 of the trans community, that I don't speak for the community. 316 00:13:57,170 --> 00:13:59,506 I don't speak for anybody but myself. 317 00:13:59,539 --> 00:14:02,109 Some of us choose to talk about our genitals, 318 00:14:02,142 --> 00:14:03,443 and some of us don't. 319 00:14:03,476 --> 00:14:05,979 But I think, by not having the conversation, 320 00:14:06,013 --> 00:14:09,516 we have shut down our own needs 321 00:14:09,549 --> 00:14:14,354 and our own desires and our own self-awareness. 322 00:14:14,387 --> 00:14:16,389 Buck also holds workshops to promote 323 00:14:16,423 --> 00:14:18,658 an open conversation around sex. 324 00:14:18,691 --> 00:14:20,160 And, tonight, he's invited me 325 00:14:20,193 --> 00:14:22,662 to join one of his candid group hangs. 326 00:14:22,695 --> 00:14:26,233 I started my workshops because I wanted to start to help guys 327 00:14:26,266 --> 00:14:27,600 to figure out how to get to that 328 00:14:27,634 --> 00:14:30,403 next level of accepting your body sexually 329 00:14:30,437 --> 00:14:33,640 and actually engaging physically. 330 00:14:33,673 --> 00:14:35,442 Hi, everybody. 331 00:14:35,475 --> 00:14:37,044 Thanks for coming. 332 00:14:37,077 --> 00:14:38,511 It's so awesome that you guys all showed up. 333 00:14:38,545 --> 00:14:40,147 [ Laughs ] 334 00:14:40,180 --> 00:14:44,151 Sex is an important part of being a human being, 335 00:14:44,184 --> 00:14:47,154 and one of the things that totally changed my life 336 00:14:47,187 --> 00:14:50,623 was learning how to have sex in my body, 337 00:14:50,657 --> 00:14:54,061 which was the body I hated most of my life. 338 00:14:54,094 --> 00:14:56,296 So I started to have to think to myself, 339 00:14:56,329 --> 00:15:00,333 "Will I be a man with my vagina?" 340 00:15:00,367 --> 00:15:02,435 because the world says no. 341 00:15:02,469 --> 00:15:07,174 So this is exactly how I decided not to get a penis -- 342 00:15:07,207 --> 00:15:09,109 masturbation. 343 00:15:09,142 --> 00:15:11,411 One day, in my secret little masturbation club 344 00:15:11,444 --> 00:15:13,480 that I would have at home under my covers, 345 00:15:13,513 --> 00:15:15,315 I would jack off. 346 00:15:15,348 --> 00:15:18,151 And there I was, jacking off all crazy, 347 00:15:18,185 --> 00:15:21,421 and then my fingers slipped inside of me, 348 00:15:21,454 --> 00:15:23,423 and I had never been penetrated before. 349 00:15:23,456 --> 00:15:24,524 Never wanted to. 350 00:15:24,557 --> 00:15:26,059 That felt very feminine to me. 351 00:15:26,093 --> 00:15:27,727 It felt like it was woman's stuff, 352 00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:29,462 and I'm not interested in that. 353 00:15:29,496 --> 00:15:32,465 And there were my fingers, inside of me, 354 00:15:32,499 --> 00:15:36,569 and I had the most amazing orgasm of my life 355 00:15:36,603 --> 00:15:38,205 that I will never forget. 356 00:15:38,238 --> 00:15:40,140 That is definitely when the clouds parted, 357 00:15:40,173 --> 00:15:41,641 and I was like, "I saw God," 358 00:15:41,674 --> 00:15:44,744 and I was like, "And why would I get rid of my vagina?" 359 00:15:44,777 --> 00:15:47,981 Now, I don't want you to think that my whole process in that 360 00:15:48,015 --> 00:15:50,717 is to discourage people from having surgery because it isn't. 361 00:15:50,750 --> 00:15:53,053 My message is to be yourself. 362 00:15:53,086 --> 00:15:54,187 If you want to have bottom surgery, do it. 363 00:15:54,221 --> 00:15:56,089 If you don't, no. 364 00:15:56,123 --> 00:16:00,227 But the point is is that I live an amazing life with a vagina. 365 00:16:00,260 --> 00:16:02,495 When I used to go to trans support groups, 366 00:16:02,529 --> 00:16:05,265 the most important question that the facilitator 367 00:16:05,298 --> 00:16:07,067 had said one day is like, 368 00:16:07,100 --> 00:16:08,468 "What you need to ask yourself is, 369 00:16:08,501 --> 00:16:10,103 'When is it going to be enough?'" Right. 370 00:16:10,137 --> 00:16:11,338 "'When are you going to be enough?'" Right. 371 00:16:11,371 --> 00:16:12,772 Because, yeah, it could be XYZ, 372 00:16:12,805 --> 00:16:14,607 and you're still not happy, so... 373 00:16:14,641 --> 00:16:16,376 Happiness comes from inside. 374 00:16:16,409 --> 00:16:18,245 Exactly. That's the key. 375 00:16:18,278 --> 00:16:19,646 It's so simple. 376 00:16:19,679 --> 00:16:21,548 Like, this is your journey. Do it your way. 377 00:16:21,581 --> 00:16:24,251 Like, I'm not on testosterone, and I'm comfortable with that, 378 00:16:24,284 --> 00:16:25,685 and guys ask me all the time, "Yo, bro, like, 379 00:16:25,718 --> 00:16:27,254 how did you get that beard?" 380 00:16:27,287 --> 00:16:28,455 And I'm like, "Oh, well, I went another route," 381 00:16:28,488 --> 00:16:29,756 because a lot of bros don't know 382 00:16:29,789 --> 00:16:31,324 you can have beard transplant surgery. 383 00:16:31,358 --> 00:16:33,593 There are options that you can do for yourself. 384 00:16:33,626 --> 00:16:35,562 You don't have to compare and contrast 385 00:16:35,595 --> 00:16:38,398 yourself to other people. Every single one of us in this room 386 00:16:38,431 --> 00:16:41,668 have been brainwashed to feel gender is a certain way, 387 00:16:41,701 --> 00:16:43,370 "You don't have a penis, you're not a man." 388 00:16:43,403 --> 00:16:45,072 That's controlling. 389 00:16:45,105 --> 00:16:47,574 With that said, a lot of trans men are not at the level 390 00:16:47,607 --> 00:16:49,709 I'm at with my vagina. 391 00:16:49,742 --> 00:16:53,713 So what I said to myself was, "How do I get trans men 392 00:16:53,746 --> 00:16:56,483 to feel comfortable in their bodies?" 393 00:16:56,516 --> 00:16:59,386 So I kept thinking, "How can I get them, how can I get them," 394 00:16:59,419 --> 00:17:02,055 and I'm like, "A toy." 395 00:17:02,089 --> 00:17:05,592 This is the very first transgender male sex toy 396 00:17:05,625 --> 00:17:07,160 in the world. 397 00:17:07,194 --> 00:17:10,563 So I designed it specifically to have the look 398 00:17:10,597 --> 00:17:12,532 of a penis a little bit, right? 399 00:17:12,565 --> 00:17:15,702 So this fits over top of the clitoris like that, 400 00:17:15,735 --> 00:17:19,172 so now when you're masturbating, what are you doing? 401 00:17:19,206 --> 00:17:20,407 You're jacking off. 402 00:17:20,440 --> 00:17:22,509 So instead of touching your vagina, 403 00:17:22,542 --> 00:17:24,377 you're jacking off like a guy. 404 00:17:24,411 --> 00:17:27,580 So that was an amazing thing, to be able to create a product 405 00:17:27,614 --> 00:17:31,184 that gave men permission to masturbate 406 00:17:31,218 --> 00:17:32,419 and gave men permission to say, 407 00:17:32,452 --> 00:17:34,454 "My body is okay, and I'm okay." 408 00:17:34,487 --> 00:17:36,723 So I have guys writing me now and saying, 409 00:17:36,756 --> 00:17:40,793 "I don't even use it anymore. I now touch myself." 410 00:17:40,827 --> 00:17:43,463 That, to me, is everything. 411 00:17:43,496 --> 00:17:46,466 If you do not love your body and you don't understand your body, 412 00:17:46,499 --> 00:17:50,503 however your body is, nobody else will love your body. 413 00:17:50,537 --> 00:17:55,475 I equate a lot of myself and my confidence to sex, 414 00:17:55,508 --> 00:17:57,144 and it's why I like to talk about sex 415 00:17:57,177 --> 00:17:58,711 and why I think, within the trans community, 416 00:17:58,745 --> 00:18:01,614 we better start to talk about sex. 417 00:18:01,648 --> 00:18:05,118 [ Cheers and applause ] 418 00:18:05,152 --> 00:18:08,355 I thank you guys. I appreciate it. 419 00:18:08,388 --> 00:18:10,190 Karley: Buck's talk was such a great experience. 420 00:18:10,223 --> 00:18:12,559 It was really clear how important his work is to people. 421 00:18:12,592 --> 00:18:14,427 I just think that it's so healthy for people 422 00:18:14,461 --> 00:18:17,597 to talk about sex in, like, such a raw and honest way, like, 423 00:18:17,630 --> 00:18:19,699 whether you're trans or not trans. 424 00:18:19,732 --> 00:18:21,601 People are looking for an opportunity 425 00:18:21,634 --> 00:18:24,371 to have that conversation, and him being so open about it 426 00:18:24,404 --> 00:18:25,638 is really giving people permission 427 00:18:25,672 --> 00:18:26,906 to start talking about that. 428 00:18:26,939 --> 00:18:29,342 What up, bro? Nice to meet you finally. 429 00:18:29,376 --> 00:18:31,311 It's kind of been, like, taboo to talk about sex 430 00:18:31,344 --> 00:18:32,845 within the trans community. 431 00:18:32,879 --> 00:18:34,714 So with Buck inviting this conversation, it's like, 432 00:18:34,747 --> 00:18:36,483 "Wow. Okay. 433 00:18:36,516 --> 00:18:37,917 It is uncomfortable. It's different. 434 00:18:37,950 --> 00:18:39,819 We're different, but we're valued, we're human, 435 00:18:39,852 --> 00:18:42,189 and we deserve the right to have sex." 436 00:18:42,222 --> 00:18:44,491 Sex is fun. Yeah. It's great. I love it. 437 00:18:44,524 --> 00:18:46,693 Aly: As a person, I finally feel free. 438 00:18:46,726 --> 00:18:51,298 I feel liberated, but I don't feel that way around sex. 439 00:18:54,534 --> 00:18:58,938 ** 440 00:18:58,971 --> 00:19:00,707 Aly: When it came to transitioning, 441 00:19:00,740 --> 00:19:04,344 I've never thought about my sexuality. 442 00:19:04,377 --> 00:19:06,546 I've transitioned for myself. 443 00:19:09,416 --> 00:19:15,522 But being post-op, I want to feel pleasure with my partner. 444 00:19:15,555 --> 00:19:17,290 Karley: How would you say that the way that you guys are intimate 445 00:19:17,324 --> 00:19:20,427 with each other has changed as you've gone 446 00:19:20,460 --> 00:19:23,696 through these parts of your transition together? 447 00:19:23,730 --> 00:19:25,332 As a person, I feel free. 448 00:19:25,365 --> 00:19:26,733 I finally free. 449 00:19:26,766 --> 00:19:29,569 I feel liberated, but I don't feel that way 450 00:19:29,602 --> 00:19:31,404 around sex right now. 451 00:19:31,438 --> 00:19:35,308 Do you have goals for your sex life? 452 00:19:35,342 --> 00:19:37,944 I have a goal I guess just to be comfortable with my body 453 00:19:37,977 --> 00:19:42,982 so I could just be as freaky as possible... [ Laughs ] 454 00:19:43,015 --> 00:19:44,784 ...without feeling uncomfortable. 455 00:19:44,817 --> 00:19:47,420 You know, having penetrative sex, that is a goal, 456 00:19:47,454 --> 00:19:48,988 I think, of ours. 457 00:19:49,021 --> 00:19:52,692 We're still so freshly, you know, out of Aly's surgery 458 00:19:52,725 --> 00:19:54,594 that we're still in a stage of her 459 00:19:54,627 --> 00:19:55,862 getting used to dilating, 460 00:19:55,895 --> 00:19:59,266 getting used to having penetration. 461 00:19:59,299 --> 00:20:02,302 We understand that that's, you know, going to take time, 462 00:20:02,335 --> 00:20:05,938 and I think it's just being respectful of her 463 00:20:05,972 --> 00:20:07,874 and creating that safe space for her 464 00:20:07,907 --> 00:20:10,377 to be more and more comfortable it key. 465 00:20:10,410 --> 00:20:11,811 -So respectful. -Like, literally. 466 00:20:11,844 --> 00:20:12,845 It's so funny. 467 00:20:12,879 --> 00:20:15,948 It's just it feels good. 468 00:20:15,982 --> 00:20:19,252 I think that dating a dude who is really concerned 469 00:20:19,286 --> 00:20:20,587 with your sexual pleasure is literally the 470 00:20:20,620 --> 00:20:23,856 Holy Grail for anyone. 471 00:20:23,890 --> 00:20:25,558 Yeah, definitely. 472 00:20:25,592 --> 00:20:30,497 ** 473 00:20:30,530 --> 00:20:33,433 That's what I love about being with Cameron. 474 00:20:33,466 --> 00:20:35,868 I understand him. He understands me. 475 00:20:35,902 --> 00:20:38,605 And, you know, we talk about sex. 476 00:20:38,638 --> 00:20:42,975 We have communication, and I think it's very unique. 477 00:20:43,009 --> 00:20:45,645 I think, and I hope that, as a culture, 478 00:20:45,678 --> 00:20:47,780 we are finally beginning to understand 479 00:20:47,814 --> 00:20:49,949 or to expand the definition of sex beyond just, 480 00:20:49,982 --> 00:20:51,584 like, this heteronormative idea of, 481 00:20:51,618 --> 00:20:53,553 like, you go like this, you know what I mean? 482 00:20:53,586 --> 00:20:54,954 -Right. -Right. 483 00:20:54,987 --> 00:20:57,824 And that's true for straight people, cis people, 484 00:20:57,857 --> 00:21:00,026 queer people, right? -Yeah. 485 00:21:00,059 --> 00:21:03,363 People, whatever they are, trans, cis, 486 00:21:03,396 --> 00:21:07,667 it's not just about parts fitting together, absolutely. 487 00:21:07,700 --> 00:21:12,705 It's, you know, it also takes place on a higher plane. 488 00:21:12,739 --> 00:21:15,074 No matter what your gender or sexual orientation, 489 00:21:15,107 --> 00:21:18,445 engaging in open conversations around sex and sexuality 490 00:21:18,478 --> 00:21:21,848 can be transformative not only on a personal level 491 00:21:21,881 --> 00:21:24,717 but for society at large. 492 00:21:24,751 --> 00:21:27,320 Plus respectful conversations around sex 493 00:21:27,354 --> 00:21:30,857 are just undeniably sexy. 494 00:21:30,890 --> 00:21:36,896 I'm hopeful that it'll get better as the months go by. 495 00:21:36,929 --> 00:21:41,534 It's wonderful that I have Cameron who is understanding. 496 00:21:41,568 --> 00:21:44,504 Learning how to please the other partner 497 00:21:44,537 --> 00:21:46,973 is just kind of something you're always learning 498 00:21:47,006 --> 00:21:49,809 and always constantly evolving in a relationship. 499 00:21:49,842 --> 00:21:51,878 I don't think you ever stop learning your partner 500 00:21:51,911 --> 00:21:54,381 no matter how long you're together. 501 00:21:56,516 --> 00:21:59,118 I was able to experience, you know, love and intimacy 502 00:21:59,151 --> 00:22:05,392 in giving Aly pleasure before and after surgery. 503 00:22:05,425 --> 00:22:08,361 It's just reinforcing the fact that it's about the person. 504 00:22:08,395 --> 00:22:12,131 It's not about the plumbing. 505 00:22:12,164 --> 00:22:14,634 Sex is more than just physical. 506 00:22:14,667 --> 00:22:17,136 It's also, like, the spiritual connection. 507 00:22:17,169 --> 00:22:22,575 ** 508 00:22:22,609 --> 00:22:27,814 ** 38329

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