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# You must remember this

# A kiss is still a kiss

# A sigh is just a sigh

# The fundamental things apply

# As time goes by #

- Funny things, peanuts. - What?

I said peanuts are funny things.

I mean, peanuts and things on sticks aren't usually in one's main stream of consciousness.

No, I have to admit that.

But have people in for drinks... and out they come.

You're in a very philosophical mood.

Anyway, we're taking Sandy out to dinner to cheer her up.

Hm. If I'd just split up with somebody I wouldn't want to go out to dinner.

No, I don't suppose you would. But you're not Sandy, are you?

I'll tell you one thing, we must all avoid being unnaturally bright.

That shouldn't be too difficult for you.

- Was that a dig? - Yes, it was actually. It was.

I've been preoccupied with Father's wedding.

- I'm looking forward to it. - He's 85 and his bride to be is 78.

You think she's too young for him?

- I think it's absurd. - Will you call her "Mummy"?

Mumsy, perhaps...

- Shh! They're here. - I'm not very good with young women.

You used to be. Just try and remember how.

- Hello. - Ah, Sandy.

- Hello, Sandy. - I'm not sure this is a good idea.

- Don't be silly! - It's a great idea, even if I didn't think of it.

There you are. Lionel.

Lionel?

I think it's a crackpot idea, to be truthful.

- Li... - But it's well-intentioned

and it's been arranged by people who care for you so make the best of it.

- Oh! - Hm.

You did remember.

Come on, let's all sit down and have a drink.

And a peanut and a thing on a stick. What'll it be, Sandy?

- Gin and tonic, please. - I've booked a table at Simpson's.

- I think we can stand that. - Simpson's? I should split up more often.

Oh, now who's that?

- Why do people say that? - You're not trying to fix me up, are you?

- Of course not. - I could have half a dozen A1 guys

- on the doorstep with their tongues out. - No, thank you.

They could lick the steps clean.

Look, er, I'm sorry but it's my father.

Don't be sorry. He's absolutely sweet.

Oh, Mr Hardcastle, how nice to see you again.

Mm, Jean Pargetter.

- You look more dishy every time I see you. - Didn't I tell you he was sweet?

- This is my daughter, Judith. - Hello.

You're almost as dishy as your mother.

- And this is my sec... Well, my friend, Sandy. - Hello.

A man could go mad with desire in this room.

- You know Alistair? - Of course. Hello, young fellow.

Haven't seen you since you were a martyr to acne.

- Father! - No probs. I was called Spotted Dick at school.

- Ugh! - Well, do sit down, Mr Hardcastle.

- Have a drink. - Yes, Scotch.

And cut out all the "Mr" stuff, eh? Call me Rocky.

- "Rocky"? - Oh, not that again.

I never did like being called Richard.

I did think at one time of getting meself rechristened but the vicar wouldn't wear it.

Oh, I'm sorry to barge in on you like this.

You young people are obviously going out on the town.

Yes. What are you doing here anyway?

- Lionel! - What?

As a matter of fact, I came up to London to see my quack.

I'm getting married next week so I thought it was only fair to have an... an MOT, eh?

I just thought I'd drop in and feast my eyes on one of the bridesmaids.

Me.

A bridesmaid?

Smirk and you don't get a pudding.

- And, my boy, to ask you a favour. - What sort of favour?

I wonder if you'd give Madge away for me?

Her Uncle Henry was going to do it but he's... he's drying out somewhere in Wiltshire.

- Not a very flattering way to be asked. - Now don't be precious.

I know you're a bit of a dismal jimmy but you do hold yourself well.

- Well, if you insist. - There's a good man.

Rocky, why don't you join us?

- You get to sit next to Sandy. - Ooh, rock on.

Actually we had better, er, saddle up. They like punctuality at Simpson's.

Simpson's? That's still full of old buffers discussing the relief of Mafeking!

No, if I'm coming along I shall insist on dancing half the night away with this delicious creature.

- I shall look forward to that. - They do a good bread and butter pudding.

Bread and butter pudding? I'll tell you what, why don't we boogie somewhere

and then have a burger at the Hard Rock Caf�, eh? Come on!

Come on, Rocky Two.

He's not at all like you, is he... Jimmy?

I sometimes wonder if I was adopted.

Taxi!

Much better than going somewhere stuffy.

- I'm sorry you have to go. - It's high time I was toddling.

I daresay you young things will be going on somewhere?

- Very probably. - I'll say good night then, eh?

Good night.

Wait a minute, I've had a wonderful idea.

Oh, God.

You young 'uns must come to the wedding as well.

No, I'll brook no argument. No, no, the more the merrier. That's fixed.

Rock on, Jean Pargetter.

Rock on, Rocky.

Look, Father...

- You're going to say something sensible. - Yes, I am.

There may be no trains to Hampshire at this time of night.

- I'm putting up at the club. - What, the ROC?

Oh, do move with the times. Groucho's!

Night, all!

Good night.

Bye!

- What a lovely man. - Isn't he gorgeous.

- You two are very quiet. - Outclassed is the word.

- At least the old fool cheered Sandy up. - You all did.

- We're on a roll. Let's go on somewhere. - Good idea. Mum?

- I don't think I have Rocky's stamina. - For which I'm grateful.

Jean and I will finish the evening by knocking a policeman's helmet off.

Then we'll get home by hansom cab.

I really want to go to bed but I'm too tired to climb the stairs.

He gets worse, my father.

He cheered Sandy up.

Mm. Nice girl, Sandy.

Yes.

Nice knees.

Why did you have to add that?

I don't know. I suppose her knees just popped into my head.

Would you mind popping them out again?

- Probably best. - Certainly best.

Oh! Are you staying?

Oh...

- Would you mind? - Of course I wouldn't mind.

Judith doesn't mind, does she?

Why should she?

Well... I wouldn't want her to think of us as...

seedy.

- Sometimes you can be positively Dickensian. - He was a personal friend of mine.

- I'm looking forward to the wedding. - I'm not.

I can't rid myself of the feeling that I'll be giving away one loony to another loony.

- Monster day for it, Li. - Yes. Monster.

- You're being beeped, Alistair. - He can't overtake here.

Great horn.

Great car!

- It's Cowboy! - He's beginning to get up my nose.

- Put your foot down. - Yes, burn some rubber.

- Mum! - It's my father making you say things like that.

"Burn some rubber"! Alistair, let the fool past.

Goes against the sporting grain but you're right.

Come on, you pretentious nerk.

Thank you, partner!

- What on earth was that? - The bride.

- Penny for them. - Oh.

- I was thinking about Nick. - Nick?

My boyfriend. Ex-boyfriend.

He phoned last night. He wanted to talk.

- And did you? - No.

- I was ironing. - You could have stopped.

I think we've done all the talking.

- You're far too young to say that. - Perhaps you're right. Look at your dad.

I'd sooner not.

- You look very nice. - Thank you. So do you.

I feel like something in a shop window.

This is all wrong, isn't it?

No, it isn't. You look great.

I look like a Michelin Man.

- You don't. - It's so young!

It isn't. Lionel?

- What? - Well, what do you think?

She's in one of her panicky moods. You look wonderful.

I'm not in one of my panicky moods.

I'm just a bit nervous, that's all.

I thought I'd reached an age where I didn't have to be a bridesmaid.

With what'll be trundling up the aisle ahead of you you'll look a positive stripling.

You're determined to spoil today, aren't you?

- Nothing of the sort. - Well, brighten up. Think of Sandy's knees.

- Is this something I should know? - It's an ageing fantasy he has.

- Oh? - I'm not ageing.

Everyone is. Except me. This is ridiculous. I feel like a mushroom.

Absolute piffle. As a matter of fact I think you look like a young Lana Turner.

- Oh! - Look at you. Don't you look distinguished?

Do you think so? Good.

I did think of wearing crepes and drapes...

- then I got talked out of it. - What did Lionel say?

I said he'd look like a very old teddy boy.

- That was the idea. - Harvey Wallbangers.

Ooh! Well done! A snifter before the off.

Ooh, just the job.

There are gale-force winds in Ross and Cromarty.

- A hobby of hers. - You should be collecting the bride.

- Yes, I suppose so. - And a smile wouldn't come amiss.

That's rich coming from you.

- I shall be smiling as we walk up the aisle. - "We"?

Mrs Bale's the other bridesmaid.

Oh. How nice.

- That's exactly what I said. - What a shame the circus isn't in town,

they could round things off.

- Sorry about Lionel. - Yes, I'm sorry about Lionel sometimes.

I'd better make sure that Judith and Alistair are dressed.

Oh, I should have said "dressed up".

Jean Pargetter, you don't think I'm just a silly old twerp, do you?

- Of course not! - Lionel does.

That makes him the silly old twerp.

I do wish you two were married.

Well, it's a bit late now.

Oh, I've said it to the wrong person.

Are you even shacked up together yet?

No, not really. He stays sometimes...

Yes, but it's all a bit meander-y, isn't it?

Well, we don't feel much like a raging torrent these days.

Bad news, I'm afraid.

Mr Fishwick has broken his tibia.

Damn and blast the man! How did he manage that?

He fell off his exercise bicycle.

- Who's Mr Fishwick? - The best man!

Shan't be a mo. Have a bash at the drums if the mood takes you.

I don't think it will somehow.

- It's terribly therapeutic! - I'm sure it is.

Oh, I just had to loosen my blue garter.

The wretched thing was cutting off the circulation in my leg.

How do I look?

You won't be wearing the hat, will you?

I suppose not. I was tempted.

- It belonged to Johnny Cash, you know. - Really?

You know, A Boy Named Sue?

Sorry?

The song.

- Oh. - I've got some of his chewing tobacco too.

That's the bridesmaids. Let them in, will you?

Right.

You don't chew tobacco, do you?

Of course not. What a strange question.

Aha... Sorry, Johnny.

Madge, you haven't met your other bridesmaid. Er, Madge, Jean.

Hello!

Well, you'll certainly bring the average age down.

Oh, I like her, dear, I really do.

This isn't right, is it?

Erm... Well, let me help.

Thanks.

- You know Mrs Bale. - Of course. How's the Channel today?

- Choppy. - Dear, dear.

- May I introduce Alistair Deacon. - Hi.

Aren't you pretty?

I'm supposed to say that.

- Do you play the saxophone? - Er, no, I'm afraid not. Why?

You just looked as though you might.

Alistair, aren't you at the wrong end of things?

Normally I would be, Li, but we're onto plan B.

Yes, Mr Fishwick fell of his bike and fractured his tibia.

- But he's the best man. - Well, was.

Hence, plan B. Your father wants you to step into the breach.

- Isn't that wonderful? - Wonderful. What about Madge?

Oh, I don't mind. No, I mean who gives you away?

- Ah. - Alistair.

I'd be honoured if you've no objections.

Good Lord, no. Good for the image, being given away by a bit of a hunk.

Monster!

I bet I cry. They always get to me, weddings. How about you?

- I've tried it twice, remember? - Sorry.

What about Nick? You planning to get married?

- We've just split up, remember? - Sorry.

What a ridiculous conversation.

Old Rocky and Madge aren't setting the best example.

Making the rest of us feel too young to get married.

We'd better go in. You stocked up with tissues?

Got half a box in here.

Say again?

The parrot says, "No, I got overexcited and fell off my perch."

- That's the punch line? - Yes.

- The parrot couldn't hold on... - I understand the joke,

- I just don't think it's funny. - I don't know any more.

- You must know some. - Thousands.

But I don't think you could tell them.

I'll just do my speech without a joke, then.

A wise move on the whole. Have you got the ring?

Yes, I'm remarkably proficient at the non-joke stuff.

Ah. Over the top, then.

Right.

- You're sure about the parrot joke? - Positive.

- Nothing's happened yet. - I know.

I haven't seen so many funny hats for ages.

Just remember, you wanted to wear a Stetson.

...left, forwards right,

forwards left...

Will you stop doing that? You're putting me off.

My God, Madge, you're a cracker.

So are you.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today

in the sight of God and in the face of this congregation

to join together this man and this woman

in holy matrimony.

Therefore if any man can show any just cause

why they may not lawfully be joined together,

let him speak now or forever hold his peace.

Wilt thou love her, comfort her, honour and keep her

in sickness and in health, and forsaking all other

keep thee only unto her so long as ye both shall live?

Rock on!

Er, sorry... I will.

Madge Evita Darblay,

wilt thou have this man to be thy wedded husband,

to live together after God's...

...and is declared the same by the giving and receiving of a ring

and by the joining of hands.

I pronounce that they be man and wife together

in the name of the Father

and of the Son and of the Holy Ghost.

- Amen. - Amen.

...and the parrot says, "No, I got so excited I fell off my perch."

Yes.

That's it.

- Sorry? - I rejigged the wording as well.

A joke like that doesn't need rejigging, it needs burying.

- My father said the same thing. - Well, don't tell any jokes,

just say what you feel.

No, no, I'll rejig that.

- Don't say what you feel, say... Well, say... - Would you like to make the speech?

- I thought it was beautiful. - I thought it was a farce.

There's Madge being given away by someone she's only just met.

I'm only the best man because the original one fell off his bike.

- A deranged bridesmaid... - Sorry?

No, not you, Mrs Bale.

She's not deranged. She's just a bit odd.

It was all a bit odd.

"As long as you both shall live"?

One of 'em could be back for the funeral in a month.

They're young in their hearts - they're young lovers.

- Well, so am I, in my heart. - Oh, yes? Who's the girl, Hedy Lamarr?

You.

Every time I'm with you it all comes back - us, all those years ago. But look at us now.

- I'd sooner not be included in that remark. - I'm just being realistic.

- No, you're being depressive. - Realistic.

At their age, where do they think they're going?

I don't know but somewhere. Which is more than can be said for us.

Mum. Mum?

- You've got a face like thunder. - Mrs Bale's the weather expert.

- Have you and Lionel had another row? - "Another"?

- You've been at it all day. - It's his fault.

- Of course it is. Why? - He's such a misery guts.

He's jealous of his own father. Can you believe that?

Yes, I can. I'm jealous of you sometimes.

- What on earth for? - Because you've got your life together.

You're in control, you know where you're going.

You've heard of a hollow laugh? If I knew how to do it, I'd do it.

Thanks, Mrs Bale.

Lionel Hardcastle, sorry to keep you.

Oh, Dr Field. Don't you want my father?

Oh. Well, fine.

I see.

Go on.

The last telegram, or telemessage, as they now insist on calling them,

comes from somebody calling himself... Cannonball Perkins.

It reads...

"Groove, kids, groove."

Good old Cannonball!

At this point I was going to tell a joke about a parrot with no feet

but I've been... put off the idea.

Instead, it's time I said a word or two about the bride and groom.

To some, who may not know Rocky and Madge,

today may have a slightly bizarre tinge.

Let's be honest, it has.

But to those of us who do know them...

it's really rather fine.

Erm...

At an age when they certainly couldn't have got life insurance

they have invested in each other instead.

It takes courage, it takes hope...

...and it takes love

These... they have in abundance.

Please, raise your glasses to Rocky and Madge.

Rocky and Madge!

Rocky and Madge.

I always suspected it, you know.

Underneath it all, old Li's just an old softpot.

I wouldn't like to try to prove it in court.

- Mum, you heard his speech. - I did.

- And? - I couldn't believe it.

Which proves my point. Li is an old softpot.

- Or a very good liar. - Oh, Mum...

He's been behaving like the ghost at the wedding feast.

- Now he turns into the good fairy. Why? - Ask him.

I shall when I get the chance. Here they come.

I'll say goodbye now, me boy, and... thanks for the words.

- Damned eloquent at the end of the day. - I'll look after him, you know.

- At breakneck pace? - The only way to go.

I was afraid of that. Good luck, Madge.

Cheerio, Father. Take care...

- Have a good time. - We shall, we shall.

Next week we'll be at the home of the king.

King?

King Elvis, of course!

Goodbye, me boy. Bye!

Bye!

Yee-ha!

Oh! You've just missed Mrs Bale doing the lambada with Alistair.

It'll all be on a video.

Including the Lone Ranger and Tonto riding off into the sunset.

It was a beautiful speech.

- Even without a parrot joke? - Particularly.

Now call me suspicious but you can't have had a change of heart that quickly.

I had a phone call from father's doctor today.

The old fool will be lucky if he lasts another year.

Oh, I'm sorry.

- Did you tell him? - Hardly an opportune moment.

- Will you tell him? - No.

What do they say? One crowded hour of glorious life is worth an age without a name?

That's the way they see it.

Let them have their crowded hour. Every minute of it.

We should be going soon.

Yes.

I'd hate you to get trapped in the lambada with Mrs Bale.

- Alistair, slow down. - I'm only doing 30.

- No, I saw something on the tree. - So did I.

Look, there's another one.

- Oh, my. - What?

Go on, Alistair, slowly.

Now, that has style. I like it.

So do I.

- It's Nick. - Ahh.

Go on, Sandy.

What a lovely way to apologise.

I can't ride a motorbike.

You've got nothing to apologise for.

You did very well today.

It's made me think, this going somewhere business.

I think it's time we did.

Oh?

I think we should make a start and live together.

I see.

- Bad time? - No.

Rather a good time, actually.

# You must remember this

# A kiss is still a kiss

# A sigh is just a sigh

# The fundamental things apply

# As time goes by

# And when two lovers woo

# They still say I love you

# On that you can rely

# The world will always welcome lovers

# As time goes by #

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