All language subtitles for Abbys s01e08_Enlish

- "Abby's" is filmed

in front of a live
outdoor audience.

You ever think about
how numbers are spelled?

- No, because I'm normal,
but go ahead.

- We start with one,
O-N-E.

First number
out of the gate.

Already it's spelled weird.

One should clearly
start with a W.

And then we get two,

which does have a W
but shouldn't.

- We're doin' shots,
bitches.

[all howl]

- Well, that was uncouth.

- Number talk, huh?
I can get behind this.

A lot of numbers
in engineering, shapes too.

We got lines, vectors--

which, before you jump all over
me, are not the same thing.

- Numbers aren't
all spelled bad.

Three is solid.

Six is incredible.

- I love six.
It really gets the job done.

- Mm-hmm.

- We need more
tequila shots, sweetie.

- Well, neither of us
looks like a sweetie,

so he must be talking
to someone else.

- I was called a doll once,
and it did not end well.

- Oh, my God, I never thought
about eight before.

Eight is wild.

E, what?

I, why?

G, I don't even know
what we're spelling anymore.

Holy mother of God,
there's an H after that.

- Dude, we're in
an outdoor bar.

The whole thing's
a bathroom.

- Abby, you gonna
do something about this?

Because I am ready
to tee off on someone.

I just spent two hours
trying to get out

of a gym membership,
and I'm still a member.

- Yeah, they're outta here.

James, would you like to do
the honor of bouncing them?

- Yeah, I'm gonna
go right now.

But here's the thing,
and I forgot to tell you.

I can't.

My doctor says
I might have bumpy spine.

- Oh, James, bumpy spine
is a real thing,

and it's very serious.

- You think
I got bumpy spine?

[rollicking guitar music]

♪

[both grunting]

- Yeah!

- Whoo!

- All right,
I'm goin' in.

- Hey, five bucks
if you can work in

a cool action movie
one-liner.

- You're on.

Sorry, bros, but I'm gonna
have to ask you to leave.

- Well, we don't wanna leave.

- Okay, look,
this is what's gonna happen.

Look at me.
Look at me.

I'm the captain now.

- You're not gonna give her
full credit for that?

- She should have
done the voice,

although I get
why that's dicey.

- No, seriously, you guys
have to go or I'll make you go.

- I'm not going anywhere.

- Okay, okay, I think that
we've all had enough fun here.

Please leave.

- Bill, stand down.
I got this.

- You see, I'm the owner
of the property,

and if I call the cops,
they're gonna say

it was time to go
the moment I told you to,

and every second after that
is criminal trespassing.

- They get it, Bill.

You're mad,
and you're upper middle class.

- Then I'm gonna have to hire
a whole team of lawyers

to file a civil suit,
which, win or lose,

is gonna cost you tens
of thousands of dollars each.

Is that what you really want?

[laughs]

That's right, get.

- Did you just say "get"?

- Well, I was gonna say,

don't let the door hit you
where the good Lord split you,

but then I realized
the door opens out,

so that would not be possible.

Sort of harkens back
to the vectors

that I mentioned before.

And that is sort of
the origin story of get.

- Good job, Bill,
very impressive.

- That was pretty kick ass,
though, right?

Maybe even
worthy of a drink?

A free drink,
not a drink named after me.

Although...

If you were gonna
name a drink after me,

maybe it'd be something
like, um, I mean,

just off the top of my head,
the Invinci-Bill.

Maybe that has wine
and Sprite in it, huh?

Or the Billini, which would
also have wine and Sprite.

I'd like a wine and Sprite,
please.

- Yeah, Bill, we should
name a drink after you.

I'm gonna call it, If You Ever
Butt In Like That Again,

I'll Tie Your Penis
into a Knot.

- Hold on, you're mad at me
for helping you?

- Yes, Bill.

If something like that
ever happens again,

please, stay the hell
out of it.

- I got a name for your drink:
the piña Billada.

- My mug!

- What happened?

- I don't know.

I love this mug.

I got it in Reno
when the twins were born.

- Wait, you took
a trip to Reno

when you were
nine months pregnant?

- No, I took a trip to Reno

when I was
eight months pregnant

and I lost track of time.

Who the hell did this?

I promise I won't be mad,
but who?

- Yes, who is
the correct question

because it suggests
we don't know.

- Really, no one
is gonna own up to this?

- I'm so sorry, Beth.

I'm gonna help you find out
who did this.

- No, Rosie, that--that
won't be necessary

because, Beth...

I am the one who's gonna
find out who did this.

- Thank you, James,

and when you find the coward,
I want you to take this shard

and sketch my face
into their forehead.

- That shard looks a little
too big for the detail work.

.

- Let me get this straight:
I did something nice--

- No, no, you did not
do something nice.

I had a basketball,
I was about to dunk it,

and then you took
the ball out of my hands

and you dunked it yourself.

- Does this discussion have
to take place right here?

I'm working on
the crossword puzzle,

and it's Saturday's,
so I'm trying to lock in.

- Abby, I was
just trying to help you.

- Bill, I did not
need your help.

- Hmm, see,
I'm doing it in ink.

Maybe you guys
would want to argue

on the back benches
or in a different backyard.

- You acted like I was
some damsel in distress

who needed you
to come to my rescue.

- I did not. I just--

- And you just had
to save the day

with your legal mumbo jumbo,

like the world's
most boring knight

in the world's most
business casual armor.

- I didn't step in because
I know legal mumbo jumbo.

I got in there
because I'm--

well, you know, because
I'm bigger than you.

- [scoffs]

- You guys win.

This is more interesting
than my puzzle.

- So you think you're so strong
and I'm so weak?

Bill, I was a Marine, okay?

I can take you down
50 different ways.

Look at your neck.

There's, like, eight ways
right there.

- Just from
an objective standpoint,

I have a larger frame
than you, that's all.

My biology gives me
certain mechanical advantages.

- Bill has a point.

Say there was
a nine-year-old

with a black belt
that wanted to fight me.

It doesn't matter
that he has a black belt.

He's tiny,
and I'm a giant.

That kid is going down.

- With all due respect, Fred,

my sons know a nine-year-old
named Evan Lefkowitz.

He would destroy you.

- Huh.

Anyplace, anytime,
any kid.

- The thing is, Abby,
I'm an engineer.

- Oh, really?
- Oh, that again.

- And as an engineer,

I have to consider things
like Newtonian force.

It's all about
fulcrum placement.

You got one lever--
in this case, it's my arm--

starts way up here.

Do you want to see what happens
when this pump gets primed?

Because I don't.

- No, Bill,
I don't want to see

when anything of yours
gets primed.

- You don't know what primed
means in this sort of--

- Abby, Bill, come on.

You're both adults.

This bickering is silly.

We should solve this thing
in a mature, grown-up way.

The two of you should put
your hands into the ice bin

for 30 seconds and then
open a big jar of olives.

- Yes, because that
is classically the correct way

to handle
this sort of situation.

- And if I win,
Bill apologizes.

- And just to be clear,

I'm apologizing
for helping you.

- Yes, that is correct.

- All right, fine,
you're on.

I don't open
a lot of olive jars,

but I do open
a lot of pickle jars.

And I'm fairly certain
that my skills in that area

will transfer over
to this new area.

- Bill, I gotta tell ya, that
is some weak-ass trash talk.

- Ugh, what's wrong
with this wine?

It tastes terrible.

- It's pinot grigio
from Ottawa.

What do you expect?

- It's the mug.

The wine doesn't taste right

because I'm not drinking
out of my Reno mug.

What if alcohol never
tastes the same again

and I end up drinking less?

What if I wake up in
the morning feeling okay?

- James, where are we
on the investigation?

- It's, uh--it's coming along.

I just need to get
a black light on Amazon Prime,

so we're looking at, like,
two business days right there.

- Could I speak to you
for a second?

You broke the mug,
didn't you?

- How did you know?

- You have a tell.

Every time you lie,
you're terrible at it.

Look, I know Beth
can be a little scary,

but she deserves
to know what happened.

- You're right.

Okay, here I go.

So, Beth...
- What do you got?

Did you find the gutless rat
that broke my mug?

- I did, and I didn't
have to look too far

to find him, either.

It was Dan!

- Who's Dan?

- Me, I'm Dan.

Did you need something?

I can't hear well
out of my left ear.

- Enough excuses, Dan,

if that's even
your real name.

That's probably not even
your real mustache either.

- All right, so we got
Bill versus Abby

in a test of strength
and toughness.

If Abby wins,
Bill apologizes,

and if Bill wins, we just kind
of keep goin' how we're goin'.

- When I say go,

you both put your hands
into the ice

for as long as it takes me
to finish my beer.

Are you ready?

On your mark, set, go.

- Okay, no,
this is fine.

This isn't bad.

This isn't bad--
oh, my God, it's so bad!

Oh!

Fred, I know for a fact
you can drink faster than that.

- Hey, Rosie,
that guy ever text you back?

- No, he called.

- Oh, wow.

So I was right.
He is a psychopath.

- Knives,
knives as fingers.

- And...open the jars.

- [gasping]

- All right, Abby,
you got this.

Nice and easy.

- Just gotta--

[jar thuds]

Butterfingers.

Frozen Butterfingers,
which are delicious,

but that's a guaranteed
trip to the dentist.

- Everything okay, Abs?

- Yeah, just trying
to get a grip.

- Ah, done.

- What?

- Why do you all
look so shocked?

I told you I had
pickle jar skills.

I also predicted
that those skills

would carry over
into this new area.

Do you remember,
from the trash talk?

- No, no,
I didn't lose.

You cheated.
You dropped the jar.

That must have loosened it.

This doesn't prove
you're stronger than me.

We gotta do another challenge.

- Abby, let it go,
all right?

Just admit that I'm the champ
and you're the chump

and we'll move on.

- No, no, I challenge you
to literally anything else.

How about a duel?

Not with guns, obviously,
but with swords.

I have swords!

Or, or, a keg carry!

Yes, we'll do a keg carry!

- What?

- Yeah, I'll clear this area,
and we'll see who can carry

a full keg around the bar
the fastest.

But that's gonna
be hard for me to do

because the grill is lit
and my hands are burning.

[whimpers]

.

- Why don't you let us
handle the bar

until your hands feel better?
- Guys, I'm fine.

- You're not fine.

You burned both of your hands.
You're in pain.

- No, really,
I'm okay.

Somebody high-five me.

Do it!

- Interesting.

- I never thought
I'd say this, Bill,

but I need to know right now
what you think is interesting.

- I just realized
why you got so upset

when I stepped in before.

It's not about me.

You have a problem
accepting help from anyone.

- That's not true.

When people hold doors open
for me, I walk through them.

I don't just stand there
like some weirdo.

- All right, fine,
prove me wrong.

Let them help you with the bar.

- No problem.
[phone rings]

Fred, would you be so kind
as to answer the phone for me?

- Yes.

Hello?

No, this is Abby's, not Arby's.

Yeah, there's one
on Midway Drive.

There's one, uh, well,
the Mission Gorge Road one,

their bathroom requires
a key code so...

I do.
It's pound 9244.

- Yeah, whoa, what are you
doing over there?

- Oh, there's just
a little pileup here

and there's a maraschino cherry
sticking to one of the glasses,

so I'm just gonna
turn on the sink.

- You don't have to do that

because you don't have
a problem accepting help.

Beth can do it, right?

- Sure, I'm always
happy to help.

Actually,
that's not true at all.

But I will do this now.

- Cool.

Yep, okay.

Yeah, yeah, I'll just--
just go inside

and, uh, I'll just
let this happen, yeah.

- Let us know
if you need anything.

- I don't--
will do.

- Dan, you've been
accused of a bar crime,

breaking the mug
of a regular.

Now, in accordance
with rule 84,

the trial will now begin

and you will have 30 seconds
to defend yourself.

Go!

- Oh, no, I--

It wasn't me.
I love mugs.

I have my own mugs at home.

I even drink soup
out of mugs.

I would never break a mug.

Ask my friends.

- I mean, once when
we were in Oregon,

he did break a plate.

[all gasp]

- Jessica, why?

- A pattern emerges.

- Well, now that
all the evidence is in,

who votes guilty?

- Oh, no, but I'm innocent.

- Dan, we just had
an exhaustive trial.

You're guilty.

- What's up?

- You're really gonna
pin this on Dan?

- I have to.

Beth is scary, and we
don't have a lot in common.

We're not tight like you
and Abby or me and Bill

or Dan and Jessica, although
I think that's over now.

I'm just saying, I feel like if
she finds out I broke her mug,

she might cut me
out of her life

or cut me
with that big shard.

And if she puts her face
on my face,

when I go to the club,
who ID I'ma use?

- Dan, as per rule 84,
subsection B,

I hereby sentence you to an
evening in the sprinkler chair.

- Oh, no.

What's the sprinkler chair?

- That chair that sits over
the faulty sprinkler head,

which can go off
at any moment.

The punishment is the
anticipation of getting wet

and also getting wet.

- But I don't
want to get wet.

- Wet man walkin'.

- Abby, what are you doing?
We got this.

- I'm fine, Bill.

- Okay, just wallow
in all that help.

You know, just let it
consume you,

like a charitable quicksand.

- Could I get a--
oh, so sorry.

I didn't realize you
couldn't do anything.

- [laughs]

Damn, that must
have been hard to hear.

- That's it.
Everybody stop helping.

- Kind of proving
my point here, Abby.

- No, no, no, no.

I would happily accept help
if I needed it,

but right now,
I don't need it.

So, you,
what do you want?

- Um, a bottle of beer.

- Great.

You, go.

- A mojito?

[glass shatters]

[ice clatters]

[glass shatters]

- That'll be 7.50.

Who's next?

.

- All that spilled alcohol.

What a waste.

- Hey, Abby.
- Not now, Bill.

I said not now, Bill.

- No, Abby,
I just want to apologize, okay.

You were upset before
and I pushed

that stupid point so hard
and I'm sorry.

- Well, it's not
all on you.

It is possible that
I may have overreacted

when everyone
was helping me.

- Well, I mean,
I would never say that but...

other people might say that.

- The thing is, Bill,
when you just took over

with those guys earlier,
it set something off in me.

You gotta understand,
when I was in the Marines,

men were just looking
for me to fail,

so I worked hard to make sure I
never needed help from anybody.

- I get that,
and, well, honestly,

I didn't think
I was stepping in before

because you're a woman,

but if it was Fred or James,
I don't know if I would have.

- Well, I appreciate
you admitting that,

but always step in
to help James.

- [laughs]

Here's the thing,
though, Abby,

you and I are committing
an ongoing criminal conspiracy

to keep an illegal bar
operating, so...

we should probably learn
to take help from one another.

- Well, I have to admit,

your legal threats
were kind of helpful.

- See? Yes.

- I guess I could use
some help with my shoe.

The laces have been
untied for an hour,

and they're
driving me crazy.

- I got ya.

[both grunting]

Do you feel better now?
- Yes!

See, Bill, eight different
ways just in the neck.

- Oh, ah.
[chuckling nervously]

Oh, sorry,
thought I heard it going off.

False alarm.

My brain is doing
most of the torture.

Ah, there it is!

Nope, sorry, another falsie.

- Beth, I got something
I gotta tell you.

I'm the one
who broke your mug.

I'm sorry.

- What?

James,
why didn't you say something?

- Because our relationship
is like your mug.

It's fragile.

We don't have
anything in common,

and I was scared that if
you knew I broke your mug,

you would cut me
out your life

or cut me physically.

And if you put
your face on my face,

that's gonna
confuse your kids.

- James, come on.

We don't have a lot in common,
but I like that.

You know who I have
a lot in common with?

The moms at school,

and they never shut up about
their kids and their husbands

and their jobs
and their charity work.

Ugh, get a life.

We have the most
important thing in common

that two people can have:
we drink together.

That's a sacred bond.

- [clears throat]

- [gasps]
My mug.

- Yeah, I found
most of the pieces,

and then Bill
filled in the gaps

with this 3-D printer thing
he overexplained.

And then he glued it
all back together.

Did you guys know
that Bill's an engineer?

- Yeah, it's come up.
- Is that right?

- Yep, I always keep
good glue in my car.

And I see the way
you're looking at me,

but I think it's cool
and I'm glad I told you.

- Hey, Dan, I've got news!

- Oh, oh!
[laughs nervously]

It's worse than I thought.

Oh, the water is
very highly pressurized.

Oh, I hate this a lot.
It's--oh...

- Blood pact to never
talk about this again?

- Yeah.
- Sounds good.

- Four-letter word
for "word."

This clue is like
a snake eating itself.

- So, uh, yesterday, you said

you could beat a nine-year-old
with a black belt?

Well, this is Evan Lefkowitz.

He just placed
in a national competition.

- Yeah, he could take me.

- [laughs]