Original subtitles

[MATCHBOX TWENTY'S "REAL WORLD"]

♪♪

Good morning, sunshine!

Come and get your Java, sleepyhead!

♪ I wonder what it's like to be a rainmaker ♪

Happy anniversary, squeezy bear.

Oh, is this for me?

"Whitlock teacher of the year".

Oh, I love it so gol-darn much.

And I can put my Java in it! [LAUGHS]

Look inside.

- [BELL DINGS] - There's already Java in it!

- [GIGGLES] - Now, wait, snugglebuggle.

I got you something too.

[GASPS]

- BOTH: Mommy got a vacuum! - Kids!

- BOTH: Mommy got a vacuum! - Hey, Jack?

Aren't you glad you gave up that silly philosophy book

so we could just settle down in Toledo?

Best decision of my life.

Yeah.

- [BABY LAUGHS] - Another kid! [LAUGHS]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

- Oh! - Your best friend is here

to take you to work.

Hey, hey, there he is!

Oh, no!

We both wore the ties we bought together.

- Again. - [BOTH LAUGHING]

♪♪

[MUSIC INCREASING IN VOLUME]

[ALL LAUGHING MANICALLY]

[SCREAMING]

[ALL SCREAMING]

Ah! Ah! Ah!

Oh! Oh, God!

[SIGHS]

- Oof. - One, two, three, four!

♪ Next time, I'll listen to my heart ♪

♪ Next time, well, I'll be smart ♪

♪ A.P. Bio 2x13 ♪ Kinda Sorta

- Synced and corrected by Firefly - - www.addic7ed.com -

Oh, God, it was... it was awful.

I had... I had so many fat Toledo babies,

and I was teacher of the year.

Yuck, that nightmare was a horrifying reminder

that I need to stay laser-focused on my plan

to get out of Toledo.

It's like I've been on an escalator, you know?

And if I'm not careful I'm gonna get

my shoelaces caught in that escalator.

It's gonna pull me in

and it's gonna grind me into a pulp.

[SIGHS]

Sarika, why the hell are you so happy?

The Whitlock college fair is this week

and the Harvard admissions officer will be there.

Do colleges have communal showers?

I'm scared guys will make fun of my flat butt.

I did my research,

and if the Harvard recruiter flags my application

I have a 17% better chance of being accepted.

Which should be no problem with your help.

[LAUGHS] Hard pass, Sarika.

- Come on, you know that. - Heather?

[CLEARS THROAT] If you can get Sarika into Harvard,

she'll give your shiny new manuscript to her aunt,

who just so happens to be one of Dean Koontz's publishers.

Yes, you heard me right.

Dean Mother[BLEEP] Koontz.

I punched it up a little bit.

I'm sorry, Sarika, why am I just now hearing

about this powerful aunt?

Because you've never had anything I've wanted

this much before.

- And why have Heather read it? - She's your favorite.

It wouldn't have worked if it was Marcus or Caleb.

I'm the second worst after Marcus?

Uh-huh.

Good.

This is good. This is good.

Getting my book published is exactly what I need

to get the hell out of Toledo.

Guys, we're gonna help Sarika get into Harvard.

[DRAMATIC PERCUSSION MUSIC]

[SLURPING]

A fruit smoothie for lunch, Stef?

[LAUGHS] So cool.

Feel like I'm eating next to a fancy Hollywood celebrity

with body dysmorphia. [IMITATES CAMERA SHUTTER]

Uh, this is straight-up cough syrup.

I woke up with a tickle in my throat this morning

and I cannot be sick for the college fair.

Ooh, someone's Navy recruiter boy toy

is coming in again this year.

Yes, every year we have a whirlwind romance

and he cleans my house.

Ooh, I see.

"Cleans my house" is like a sex term.

Well, then I should tell you that last night

my husband, Keith, Swiffered the dust under the couch

for the first time in ten years.

No, Michelle, I mean literally.

He literally cleans my house, okay?

He's such a disciplined military man

that he wakes up so early he just can't help himself

but get up and start cleaning, and if he knows I'm sick,

he will not come over and start cleaning.

That's what I meant. Our house is dirty too.

He's like a strong, sexy Mary Poppins.

- [LAUGHS] - Ooh, yes, Admiral Poppins.

- I'll salute you. - [BOTH LAUGHING]

Ooh, careful, Michelle, you just durbed.

[SIGHS]

I'm... I'm sorry, did you just say, uh, "durbed"?

Yeah, as in "durbing".

You know, when the stuff glops out of a sandwich.

But that's my... my name.

- I'm Durbin. - Mm-hmm.

Yeah, exactly. We named it after you three years ago

when one of your meatball subs blasted out onto your shirt.

You've been saying this for three years?

Whoop, careful, Michelle. You're durbing.

Oh.

But... J-Jack knows this too?

Well, don't be offended.

Excuse me, I'll go eat this out in the hall.

- Wh... - Oh.

Hey, ladies, um, I just wanted

to give you a chance to drink this up, okay?

'Cause it might be your last chance.

- Pass. - Uh, nope.

- Return it. - Okay, yeah, chuckle it up.

But it looks like my book might be getting published,

which puts me on the next train out of this miserable dump.

Aww, come on, Jack. You know you don't mean that.

Trust me, ladies, there is nothing in this town

- I'll miss, okay? - Okay.

[TENSE MUSIC]

Well, he clearly hasn't been to the Toledo Zoo.

Aww. Girl, he would definitely miss you.

Oh, it's fine. It's totally fine.

It's just... it's...

♪♪

I was at the zoo when a panda gave birth.

Yep, I saw a little baby panda durb right out of the mama.

BOTH: Aww.

[GIGGLES]

I can't believe this is working.

My, oh my, oh my, aren't we boisterous this morning?

Gonna need some extra shutting-up today.

All right, guys, let's focus on getting Sarika into Harvard

and getting me the hell out of Toledo holding two sacks

of that sweet, sweet Koontz cash, right?

Now, these days,

good grades aren't enough to get into Harvard,

so we're gonna have to trick this recruiter

into thinking Sarika has what she lacks most:

charm and personality.

Sarika, pop up. Go to the back.

Face me, I want to show you something.

[SIGHS]

Now, you need to make a really good first impression,

and that starts the moment that the recruiter sees you.

So I'm the recruiter.

Show me your approach, come on.

This is what I'm talking about.

So rigid, so closed off, you know?

No. No, no, no, no.

Can somebody in this room please show Sarika

how to walk with confidence?

Marissa?

That was confident.

Here we go.

[PEPPY ROCK MUSIC]

♪♪

Okay, Victor, don't overthink it.

It's just like breathing.

Oh, okay, I'm thinking about my breathing.

Oh, God.

Why did you volunteer for this? It's not your thing.

Yes, this guy gets it.

All right, keep going, keep going.

You guys seeing this? All right, now make a left.

Just go all the way down the hall.

All the way down?

[DOOR CLOSES]

♪ La-la ♪

'Sup, mama?

What up, big dog? How you doing?

[CHUCKLES]

♪♪

[CLEARS THROAT]

♪ Sweet rock and roll ♪

Dan Decker. Honored to meet you, sir.

Yes, well, good... yes.

Welcome to Harvard.

Wow.

Wow. Sarika, did you see that?

Now, these recruiters, they also love humility,

so why don't you start with a self-deprecating joke.

Guys, what can Sarika say to criticize herself?

- She's a kiss-ass. - Bad clothes.

- She's rude. - Yes, good. Yes.

Okay, we have... we have a lot of good options here.

All right, yeah, now, did... did somebody say she's rude?

- That was me. - She is rude, you're right.

This is going good, Sarika, trust me.

What else, guys?

- [BELL RINGING] - _

[OVERLAPPING CHATTER]

[BLOWING NOSE]

[CHIPPER MUSIC]

[CLEARS THROAT] Well, hello, Admiral.

Stef.

Oh, I can't wait to see you later.

- Can't wait either. - [BOTH CHUCKLE]

You okay? Your voice is a little raspy.

Oh, I been smoking.

- Huh. - [COUGHING]

I read a study that says that that can be dangerous.

You been on that boat too long.

[LAUGHS, COUGHING]

[STRAINED EXCLAMATION]

[COUGHS, CLEARS THROAT]

[COUGHING] I'll see you later.

[MUFFLED COUGHING]

- "Oberland". - It's Oberlin.

I always wished I'd gone to college.

I know I'm not the traditional college applicant,

but I am the perfect one.

Why not?

Here's a pamphlet.

A pamphlet?

It looks like Helen Henry DeMarcus

is going to college!

♪♪

Okay, so remember what we talked about, all right?

I'm gonna say, "This is Sarika Sarkar.

"She is our best student, a unique talent,

and an even better human."

Then you hit them with...

Oh, he's just saying that

'cause teacher evaluations are this week.

Yes, then we laugh for exactly two seconds...

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Then you crush some small talk,

your app goes in the priority folder,

and my manuscript gasses it straight to Koontzville.

- Ready? - Yeah.

All right.

Well, if it isn't Nasty Jack Griffin.

- Kate. - [LAUGHS]

- Bring it in, Nasty Jack. - Okay.

Oh, you smell good.

Oh, well, um, I gotta go, but it was great to see you.

And, uh, great seeing you, Sarika.

Yeah, I... yep.

[CLEARS THROAT] He's just saying that

'cause teacher evaluations are this week.

[LAUGHS]

♪♪

- What the hell? - Uh, yeah, sorry about that.

Turns out I have a little bit of a sexual history

with that particular recruiter.

Yeah, she and I used to hook up all the time at Harvard.

It's a little awkward now, though, 'cause I'm kinda-sorta

into somebody else a little, you know?

That's not something you guys need to know about.

- ALL: Lynette. - We know.

The beautiful, beautiful payroll lady.

- Knock, knock. - Hey.

I, uh, just wanted to let you know

we're headed to our hotel bar.

- Oh. - You should pop by.

- It'll be like old times. - [CHUCKLES]

I might even...

[INDISTINCT WHISPERING]

[BOTH GIGGLING]

Uh, that'd be... that'd be interesting.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Bye.

So they really do whisper dirty things.

- [WHISTLES] - Looks like you have a second chance.

If you can get this in her priority folder,

the deal is back on.

Uh, I don't think so, Sarika.

Are you really gonna ruin your chances

at publishing your book because of Lynette?

A woman you kinda-sorta like?

You're gonna be stuck in Toledo.

Forever.

Fine, give me the application, all right?

I'll go do a little harmless flirting.

But there will be no tequila and no banging.

Do you hear me, Sarika? I will not bang that woman for you.

Okay.

[JAZZY MUSIC]

Trick is, I take my right hand,

and then I firmly shove it under the starboard edge

of the mattress.

Ooh, mama, I need those tight corners.

- [BOTH GIGGLING] - Oh, hello, everyone.

Okay.

A durb, a durb.

Ladies and gentleman, you have all been durbed.

No, you cannot force a new durb, Ralph.

Durbing is slop glopping.

God, can't durbing mean anything else?

- It's so gross. - Oh, my God.

Okay, if it bothers you so much,

we'll just let the universe decide.

Okay, so the next random, unnamed thing that happens

will be durbing.

Yes.

- All right. - [LAUGHING]

Thank you.

I'm like, "If you have to ask,

you can't afford college"

Hey, hey.

- Hey. [CHUCKLES] - How we doing, Kate?

You enjoying Toledo's finest hotel?

Did you get the parking lot view

or the mall's air conditioning view?

Mall's air conditioning view.

- It is stunning. - Ooh. Aren't we fancy?

- [LAUGHS] - Look at you.

Hey, so, um, I wanted to talk to you

about a student of mine.

After we have some tequila.

Uh, yeah, I was afraid of that.

Um, I'm actually sticking to club soda tonight.

[LAUGHS]

Oh.

Okay.

Suit yourself.

Wow, your skin's so hot to the touch.

- Are you okay? - Yes.

[COUGHING] Yes.

[COUGHING]

No, I am very sick, and I was hiding it from you

'cause I didn't want to ruin our precious two days together.

Stef, we're both human beings.

We have to accept each other's flaws and weaknesses.

To be honest, I feel like I might be coming down with...

♪♪

False alarm. [SNEEZES, FARTS]

[LAUGHING] He just sneezed and farted

at the same time.

[LAUGHING] Oh!

Oh, that's the new durbing! Yes!

No... lis... no, no, durbing cannot be a sneeze-fart.

That's snarting.

I apologize for durbing.

Please excuse me.

Ladies, we gone.

What about what he said about accepting each other's flaws?

The image of that man washing his underwear

in the bathroom of a two-star hotel

is enough to make me clean my own damn house.

- [LAUGHING] - [COUGHING]

- Good night, Durbie! - Oh. Good night, Durbs.

Snart.

♪♪

What up, Durbs?

- So Lynette's here, huh? - Yeah.

Who's the... who's the guy she's with?

That... that's Nico Marshak.

He plays hockey for the Walleyes

and he's the face of Muscle Milk.

Are they, uh...

Oh, they are a great-looking couple.

I'm gonna get a picture of them for my vision board.

♪♪

Cheers. [CHUCKLES]

Oh, yeah. You know what?

Um, I think I changed my mind.

I'm gonna do a tequila shot after all.

Yes! Take mine.

Oh, okay.

By the way, did I mention that this place has a hot tub?

[LAUGHING]

[DRAMATIC PERCUSSION MUSIC]

[BOTH LAUGHING]

How can you stand Toledo?

Ugh.

By my count, there are 12 KFCs in this town.

Well, actually 14 if you count

the combination KFC and Taco Bells,

which I definitely do.

- [LAUGHS] - Yeah, it's crazy, man.

It's a lot of... lot of fried...

Hey, I uh... I can't even get a taco these days

without ordering a side of mashed potatoes...

- Oh... - And gravy.

- Gravy. - Yeah.

Which is not bad, I mean, you know,

that way, you're bringing the two cultures together.

You know, Mexican food and...

No, no.

Wait... [STAMMERS]

Okay, wait. Kate, Kate, Kate.

I can't.

I got... I'm sorry, but it's a no.

It's a... it's a no-go.

"It's a no-go"?

- Seriously? - [SIGHS]

Okay.

You're not as fun as I remember.

[MELLOW MUSIC]

I'm sorry... [STAMMERS]

- I, uh... - Whatever.

I'm gonna go kill a Toblerone.

♪♪

Hey, what are you guys doing here?

We came here to make sure you have her my application,

which you didn't.

You ever need any tips on how to seal the deal,

just let me know.

You were close, my man. Proud of you.

- Yeah, what happened? - Can't you see he's heartsick?

His soul mate is on a date

with a strong, handsome milk celebrity.

Look, Sarika, I'm out, okay?

I'm sorry, I just... I couldn't do it.

But you can still get your application into her folder.

I mean, at this point, you guys should know how

to accomplish a mission like this on your own.

I mean, we're... we're in a hotel, okay?

There's a million uniforms you could use as disguises.

There's a... there's a computer that literally prints keys.

I found pool chemicals and a net.

Grace, what are you gonna do with that?

We're not dissolving anybody.

This wouldn't fully dissolve a body.

All right, look, you guys,

you can do this on your own, okay?

There's someone I need to go talk to.

[OVERLAPPING CHATTER]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

♪♪

[PANTING]

♪♪

Hey.

- Lynette. - Jack, what are you doing?

Uh, did... did your hockey guy take off?

- Did he leave? - Yeah, he just left.

Oh.

Uh, so it's been a crazy couple days, huh?

I had this, uh, weird dream

where, uh, you and I had these four fat Toledo babies together

and, uh, you were super excited

because I'd gotten you a vacuum cleaner.

And I thought maybe I didn't want that,

uh, but maybe now I think that it's not so bad.

Ew. I-I don't... I don't... mm-mm.

I don't want any of that. [LAUGHS]

I don't even know your middle name.

No, I know, I... [CHUCKLES]

It's Carson.

That's kind of cool.

You should go by Carson.

Lynette, I'm trying... I'm trying to be serious.

Jack, I heard you say there's nothing you'd miss

if you left Toledo.

I would miss you.

Think I'm just... I'm afraid that if I admit

to liking anything in Toledo I'll get pulled

into the escalator gears and ground to a fleshy pulp.

I... I like you and I'm... [STAMMERING]

Glad I met you, and I don't know.

I don't know, you just... you make me happy to be in Toledo.

I'm just saying I don't want to date anybody else.

I actually feel the same way.

- You do? - Yeah.

That's why I-I just ended things with Nico, so...

You did?

Have you guys been dating this entire time?

Not the whole time.

Oh! [SCOFFS]

We were not exclusive.

Wow. No, I know.

Were you not dating other people?

No.

- Lame. - Okay.

God.

- Oh, my hero. - Yeah.

- That's sweet. - You're turning blue.

[IRON & WINE'S "FRECKLED GIRL"]

♪ Someday soon ♪

♪ I'll just live over yonder ♪

[GRUNTS]

[CHUCKLES]

Love wins.

♪ Crossword puzzles to ponder ♪

♪ And I hope you're well ♪

[BELL RINGING]

[LAUGHTER]

Oh, look at this.

This sub just durbed all over my work shirt.

What, now you want glopping to be known as durbing?

I don't have any kids.

I... I can't have my only contribution

to the Durbin legacy be a snart.

Oh, are you kidding me?

They are gonna name this "GD" high school after you someday.

There are two people in this world

that I would take a bullet for: you and Gus Wakiama.

He's my neighbor, and he took a bullet for me.

Well, took a bullet from me 'cause I was cleaning my gun.

[BLOWS RASPBERRY] Feels like I owe him.

- Jeez. - Ah, dang it.

- Oberland rejected me. - ALL: Aww.

They said I don't have a high school diploma.

Well, yeah, because I didn't graduate

from high school, you dummies.

Well, it looks like Helen Henry DeMarcus is going

back to high school! [HOLDING LAST VOWEL]

Good luck.

Okay.

I got so into character as a bellhop,

I ended up working a 12-hour shift.

[LAUGHS]

All I care about is that the mission was a success

and my application ended up in her priority folder.

And since it was technically your idea

to have us disguise ourselves as hotel staff,

I still passed your manuscript along to my aunt.

- Y-you did? - Yeah.

She liked it, and actually wants

to meet with you on Tuesday.

In New York.

Here's her card.

- Oh, my God. - [GASPS]

Way to go, Boss!

Maybe you'll get a big book deal and leave,

and we'll get a real teacher in time for the AP exam.

Getting out, JG!

[ALL CLAPPING]

This is very cool. Very, um... yeah, very...

Very fast. F-faster than I had planned.

But, uh... which is good, it's good.

[LAUGHS]

So are you in?

Am I in? Yeah... well, yeah.

Yeah, absolutely. I mean, pretty much definitely.

I just gotta make sure that I'm free on Tuesday.

I'm pretty sure I am.

I just gotta check my... I have a calendar at home.

That's my... sort of my master... I keep everything on there.

So let me just, you know, give it a look-see.

But, uh, yeah, no, looks like I could be, um...

looks like I could... I could be out of here

very, very quickly.

Yeah.

- Mr. Griffin. - Huh?

We have a new student for you.

Uh, yeah, no, I know.

She's been fitting in really well.

Yeah, great job, new kid.

I've been here the whole time.

Ah, you keep saying that.

No, but Jack, this is somebody completely new.

[DRAMATIC BOOM]

- Hiya, teach! - Have fun.

[SQUEALS] Hi, guys.

Oh, uh... wait, Ralph, I'm... [STAMMERING]

[LAUGHS]

Advanced Placement Biology. [LAUGHS]

Oh, I gotta go to the bathroom, and it's an emergency.

Excuse me, oh boy. It's called nerves.

Plus the spinach quiche.

[CURIOUS MUSIC]