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# You must remember this
2
00:00:12,407 --> 00:00:14,762
# A kiss is still a kiss
3
00:00:14,807 --> 00:00:17,799
# A sigh is just a sigh
4
00:00:20,487 --> 00:00:23,957
# The fundamental things apply
5
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# As time goes by #
6
00:01:05,607 --> 00:01:07,643
I think I'm getting a bunion.
7
00:01:07,687 --> 00:01:10,884
That's not a very auspicious start to the day.
8
00:01:10,927 --> 00:01:15,125
I've never had a bunion before.
I've had corns, I've never had a bunion.
9
00:01:15,167 --> 00:01:18,716
- I can recommend a very good chiropodist.
- Can you?
10
00:01:18,767 --> 00:01:21,042
- You mean, you have...
- This coffee's delicious.
11
00:01:21,087 --> 00:01:25,877
One of my many talents. There's something
rather demeaning about the word.
12
00:01:25,927 --> 00:01:27,918
- Coffee?
- Bunion.
13
00:01:27,967 --> 00:01:31,357
- I don't know. I've never thought of it.
- I hadn't before today.
14
00:01:31,407 --> 00:01:34,240
Turn your mind to other things.
Like the book signing.
15
00:01:34,287 --> 00:01:36,437
Hm. I've warned Alistair.
16
00:01:36,487 --> 00:01:40,196
- I won't write a lot of flowery inscriptions.
- You won't be rude?
17
00:01:40,247 --> 00:01:43,080
I shan't write dirty limericks,
if that's what you mean.
18
00:01:43,127 --> 00:01:46,915
- That's not what I meant and you know it.
- I'll be sweetness and light.
19
00:01:46,967 --> 00:01:50,755
There's no need to go overboard.
Are you nervous?
20
00:01:50,807 --> 00:01:56,484
Not really. No, I'm into calmer waters now.
Either it sells or it doesn't and that's it.
21
00:01:56,527 --> 00:02:00,520
- You sound resigned.
- Hmph, substitute "sanguine".
22
00:02:00,567 --> 00:02:03,559
- It's like having a second.
- What is?
23
00:02:03,607 --> 00:02:07,316
You. Someone in my corner, so to speak.
24
00:02:07,367 --> 00:02:11,599
You won't expect me to flap a towel
in your face, will you?
25
00:02:11,647 --> 00:02:15,117
- I'm glad you're here.
- I had to be. It's your big day.
26
00:02:15,167 --> 00:02:18,000
- I do look a twerp in this.
- No, it's growing on me.
27
00:02:18,047 --> 00:02:21,005
- Like fungus?
- No, not like fu... Are you nervous?
28
00:02:21,047 --> 00:02:23,880
- You asked me that.
- Oh, sorry. It's cos I'm nervous.
29
00:02:23,927 --> 00:02:26,487
Have you eaten?
You did have a good breakfast?
30
00:02:26,527 --> 00:02:28,916
- Yes, I had a doughnut.
- Good.
31
00:02:28,967 --> 00:02:33,245
- Are you going to order a cab?
- No, Alistair's going to pick me up here.
32
00:02:33,287 --> 00:02:37,166
I'll lay odds it'll be a Land Rover
painted in zebra stripes!
33
00:02:37,207 --> 00:02:41,325
- You said you had a doughnut for breakfast?
- Erm... yes.
34
00:02:41,367 --> 00:02:43,403
- Why?
- I don't know, really.
35
00:02:43,447 --> 00:02:48,043
- It was there so I thought I'd eat it.
- You do some peculiar things.
36
00:02:48,887 --> 00:02:52,675
Perhaps I'm becoming an eccentric.
Goes with the suit, I suppose.
37
00:02:52,727 --> 00:02:55,560
- I'm glad you're here.
- You've already said that.
38
00:02:55,607 --> 00:02:59,486
Oh. Well, either I'm starting to repeat myself
or I am nervous.
39
00:02:59,527 --> 00:03:02,166
- You're not, are you?
- Well, a bit.
40
00:03:02,207 --> 00:03:05,597
It's me, I'm contagious.
You wouldn't be nervous if I'd gone to work.
41
00:03:05,647 --> 00:03:08,115
- You're getting in a state.
- I already am in a state!
42
00:03:08,167 --> 00:03:09,885
Oh.
43
00:03:09,927 --> 00:03:13,237
That sounds like Alistair. I'll get it.
44
00:03:13,287 --> 00:03:15,676
Before you let him in -
45
00:03:15,727 --> 00:03:19,561
- I'll be thinking of you.
- That's good.
46
00:03:19,607 --> 00:03:22,201
Cos I'll probably be thinking of you.
47
00:03:24,967 --> 00:03:26,958
- Oh, Alistair.
- Aye, aye, fit?
48
00:03:27,007 --> 00:03:30,079
Erm... yeah, come in, I won't be a second.
49
00:03:31,127 --> 00:03:35,996
Oh, er... you wouldn't wear this, would you?
50
00:03:36,047 --> 00:03:38,163
- No.
- I thought not.
51
00:03:38,207 --> 00:03:40,675
- Good morning, lovely lady.
- Hello. Don't worry,
52
00:03:40,727 --> 00:03:45,198
I won't be sitting in the bookshop with him.
I just stayed at home to wish him luck.
53
00:03:45,247 --> 00:03:47,044
- TLC. Mega.
- TLC?
54
00:03:47,087 --> 00:03:50,124
- Tender loving care. So how are you both?
- Of course.
55
00:03:50,167 --> 00:03:53,000
Well... a bit nervous, to be honest.
56
00:03:53,047 --> 00:03:55,038
No, I'm sanguine.
57
00:03:55,087 --> 00:03:58,841
Good mix. OK, let's hit the bookshelves
and make some bucks.
58
00:03:58,887 --> 00:04:01,685
- Yes, let's.
- Can I give you a lift to the office, Jean?
59
00:04:01,727 --> 00:04:06,323
No, thanks, Alistair, I'll order a cab.
I don't like Land Rovers with zebra stripes.
60
00:04:08,407 --> 00:04:10,716
How did she know about that?
61
00:04:10,767 --> 00:04:13,440
She's very psychic.
62
00:04:28,887 --> 00:04:31,196
Good buzz, good buzz!
63
00:04:31,247 --> 00:04:35,718
- How much did you pay them?
- They're just to get the ball rolling.
64
00:04:37,367 --> 00:04:39,403
You're on a double-yellow line.
65
00:04:39,447 --> 00:04:43,156
When they start making triples, I'll worry.
66
00:04:48,687 --> 00:04:52,157
- Won't you just wear the hat into the shop?
- No.
67
00:05:21,527 --> 00:05:23,563
The hot seat.
68
00:05:24,927 --> 00:05:28,317
- Will you leave me alone?
- Sorry, sorry, sorry.
69
00:05:28,367 --> 00:05:31,916
- Are you sure you won't wear the...
- Positive.
70
00:05:31,967 --> 00:05:34,686
Well, one minute to liftoff.
71
00:05:34,727 --> 00:05:37,560
- This stacked queue of yours.
- Yes?
72
00:05:37,607 --> 00:05:42,237
How do I distinguish between them and
those not bribed to ask me to sign the book?
73
00:05:42,287 --> 00:05:45,996
Lemon squeezy, Li. Mine will wink.
74
00:05:46,047 --> 00:05:48,766
- Wink?
- Yeah, you know, wink.
75
00:05:48,807 --> 00:05:53,562
I know what a wink is. I think this whole thing
is teetering on the brink of farce.
76
00:05:53,607 --> 00:05:56,326
- I'm pulling out all the stops for you.
- Be accurate.
77
00:05:56,367 --> 00:06:00,201
You're pulling out all the stops for your father
because he owes my father a favour.
78
00:06:00,247 --> 00:06:05,037
That was true, but, er... the fact is,
and I know you're gonna hate this,
79
00:06:05,087 --> 00:06:07,123
I've got to like you, Lionel.
80
00:06:07,167 --> 00:06:08,964
I want the book to sell for you.
81
00:06:10,047 --> 00:06:12,356
Oh. Thank you.
82
00:06:12,407 --> 00:06:15,205
- But you definitely won't wear the hat?
- No.
83
00:06:20,007 --> 00:06:22,805
- What on earth is that?
- Mood music.
84
00:06:22,847 --> 00:06:24,644
The drums of Kenya!
85
00:06:24,687 --> 00:06:27,121
Those are the drums of Nigeria.
86
00:06:27,167 --> 00:06:30,364
Really?
Well, only you would know the difference.
87
00:06:31,367 --> 00:06:34,040
Catch you later.
88
00:06:40,367 --> 00:06:43,086
Ladies and gentlemen... the man!
89
00:06:45,487 --> 00:06:47,478
Good morning.
90
00:06:49,207 --> 00:06:51,198
Oh, yes, good morning.
91
00:06:51,247 --> 00:06:55,081
- I've heard it's a wonderful book!
- Oh, have you really?
92
00:06:55,127 --> 00:06:58,437
No, don't sign, mime.
93
00:06:58,487 --> 00:07:01,957
- Mime? What do you want me to mime?
- Signing.
94
00:07:02,647 --> 00:07:06,037
- Why?
- We don't all buy a copy.
95
00:07:06,087 --> 00:07:08,476
I shouldn't have asked.
96
00:07:08,527 --> 00:07:13,123
Thank you so very much.
I'm sure it's going to be a bestseller.
97
00:07:18,887 --> 00:07:21,082
I know, don't sign, mime.
98
00:07:22,247 --> 00:07:24,442
My Life In Kenya.
99
00:07:24,487 --> 00:07:27,684
Yes. Yes, of course it's good.
100
00:07:27,727 --> 00:07:29,524
Spicy?
101
00:07:29,567 --> 00:07:32,286
Oh, yes, it's incredibly spicy
102
00:07:32,327 --> 00:07:35,524
in a kind of understated sort of way.
103
00:07:35,567 --> 00:07:38,559
Well, that's the spiciest kind of spicy, I think.
104
00:07:39,647 --> 00:07:42,366
No, I'm not pushing anything.
105
00:07:42,407 --> 00:07:47,879
I'm just recommending that you go out
and buy a copy before it sells out. Yes!
106
00:07:47,927 --> 00:07:51,522
Oh, and, Pauline, um... I think that this year,
107
00:07:51,567 --> 00:07:56,277
I might be able to lay my hands on
a couple of tickets for Wimbledon.
108
00:07:56,327 --> 00:08:01,162
Yes. No, of course they're not connected.
I just thought I'd mention it.
109
00:08:01,207 --> 00:08:04,882
My Life in Kenya.
Yes, and you'll tell your friends, won't you?
110
00:08:04,927 --> 00:08:07,839
Thanks, Pauline. OK, bye.
111
00:08:07,887 --> 00:08:11,675
- Blackmail is a very ugly word.
- I'm running out of sales patter.
112
00:08:11,727 --> 00:08:15,117
- How are you doing?
- I phoned everyone I know in the British Isles.
113
00:08:15,167 --> 00:08:17,761
I'm sure I've promised
to sleep with half of them.
114
00:08:17,807 --> 00:08:20,605
This is bringing out the seamy side
of our nature.
115
00:08:20,647 --> 00:08:23,844
- Decidedly.
- Eight copies for sure in Nottingham.
116
00:08:23,887 --> 00:08:26,447
Why are you so big in Nottingham?
117
00:08:26,487 --> 00:08:29,957
- I loved a man in Nottingham once.
- He must've loved you too.
118
00:08:30,007 --> 00:08:35,001
- No, he didn't, but he has a kind heart.
- Oh, Sandy, why aren't you married?
119
00:08:35,047 --> 00:08:37,038
- Why aren't you?
- Uh-oh.
120
00:08:37,087 --> 00:08:40,318
- I'm too concerned about the Northeast.
- I don't see what...
121
00:08:40,367 --> 00:08:44,155
- We don't know anybody in the Northeast.
- We're doing our best.
122
00:08:44,207 --> 00:08:47,597
- Yes, I know and I'm very grateful.
- Well, I hope Lionel is.
123
00:08:47,647 --> 00:08:51,720
I don't want him to be. I don't want him
to know that we're selling our souls.
124
00:08:51,767 --> 00:08:54,327
- Let alone our bodies.
- Speak for yourself.
125
00:08:54,367 --> 00:08:56,164
I just want him to be a success.
126
00:08:57,647 --> 00:09:00,480
- What if he is?
- Mm, what if he is?
127
00:09:01,367 --> 00:09:03,801
It can be a mixed blessing, success.
128
00:09:12,247 --> 00:09:14,442
You are him, aren't you?
129
00:09:14,487 --> 00:09:16,284
Yes, I am.
130
00:09:17,487 --> 00:09:21,321
- You look smaller in real life.
- Most of us do.
131
00:09:21,367 --> 00:09:23,198
Hm.
132
00:09:23,247 --> 00:09:25,715
Is it a beautiful place, Kenya?
133
00:09:25,767 --> 00:09:27,564
Very beautiful indeed.
134
00:09:27,607 --> 00:09:30,804
I've only ever got as far as Ostend, you see.
135
00:09:32,447 --> 00:09:35,837
- I think I'll take it. Could you sign it?
- Yes, of course.
136
00:09:35,887 --> 00:09:39,482
Erm... could you put "To Doris".
137
00:09:39,527 --> 00:09:42,724
To... Doris.
138
00:09:42,767 --> 00:09:44,917
- There's more.
- Oh.
139
00:09:44,967 --> 00:09:47,925
"On the occasion of her 53rd birthday."
140
00:09:47,967 --> 00:09:50,003
Oh, happy birthday.
141
00:09:50,047 --> 00:09:54,916
No, "On the occasion of her 53rd birthday."
142
00:09:55,927 --> 00:09:58,919
Occasion of her 53rd birthday.
143
00:09:58,967 --> 00:10:02,277
Would "with affection" be all right?
144
00:10:02,327 --> 00:10:05,125
It wouldn't be very accurate.
I don't know a Doris.
145
00:10:05,167 --> 00:10:07,965
There's no need to be lofty about it.
146
00:10:08,007 --> 00:10:12,046
- I'm not being lofty at all, I'm stating a fact.
- Well, I'd like it in there.
147
00:10:13,047 --> 00:10:16,437
With... affection.
148
00:10:16,487 --> 00:10:19,877
- Lionel Hardcastle.
- Thank you.
149
00:10:21,647 --> 00:10:24,605
Lionel Hardcastle.
150
00:10:24,647 --> 00:10:27,207
- Nice present, that.
- I hope so.
151
00:10:27,247 --> 00:10:29,442
- Who's it for?
- Me.
152
00:10:29,487 --> 00:10:32,763
- You're Doris?
- I'd have thought that was obvious.
153
00:10:32,807 --> 00:10:34,604
Er... not really, no.
154
00:10:34,647 --> 00:10:37,605
Well, thank you very much. Where's the till?
155
00:10:37,647 --> 00:10:42,118
It's, erm... Look, as it's your birthday,
would you allow me to pay for it?
156
00:10:43,007 --> 00:10:44,884
Certainly not.
157
00:10:44,927 --> 00:10:48,806
I don't accept presents from perfect strangers.
158
00:10:51,607 --> 00:10:54,326
- Could I 'ave your autograph, mister?
- Yes, of course.
159
00:10:54,367 --> 00:10:56,039
Oh, it's you. Hello.
160
00:10:56,087 --> 00:11:00,239
- How are you doing?
- Seem to be getting down to the lunatic fringe.
161
00:11:00,287 --> 00:11:02,596
- Would you like a cup of tea?
- Where?
162
00:11:02,647 --> 00:11:05,002
Oh, they're looking after me.
163
00:11:08,687 --> 00:11:11,281
Don't be overawed, will you?
164
00:11:12,287 --> 00:11:13,766
Oh.
165
00:11:14,727 --> 00:11:17,924
- You are overawed.
- Very grand.
166
00:11:17,967 --> 00:11:22,165
No, no, I should have this stool.
It's the less wobbly of the two.
167
00:11:23,167 --> 00:11:26,603
- Right. Oh, comparatively.
- Comparatively.
168
00:11:26,647 --> 00:11:30,196
- Well, you've sold a few copies, then?
- Strangely enough, yes.
169
00:11:30,247 --> 00:11:32,841
Yes, it was quite busy earlier on.
170
00:11:32,887 --> 00:11:36,436
- And they weren't all winkers.
- Sorry?
171
00:11:38,687 --> 00:11:41,281
- Is that a technical term?
- Yes, it is now.
172
00:11:41,327 --> 00:11:45,161
Alistair stacked the queue.
They identified themselves by winking at me.
173
00:11:45,207 --> 00:11:47,721
- Did you wink back?
- Certainly not.
174
00:11:48,647 --> 00:11:50,763
Do you mind? This is a board meeting.
175
00:11:53,047 --> 00:11:56,756
Now you can't see out.
What if someone wants you to sign their book?
176
00:11:56,807 --> 00:12:00,163
- They'll just have to wait.
- That's hardly the Dunkirk spirit.
177
00:12:00,207 --> 00:12:05,884
Well, this isn't Dunkirk. I don't really expect
to be mobbed for the rest of the day.
178
00:12:05,927 --> 00:12:10,921
I don't know. We're sitting on our wobbly stools
and your book's selling all over the country.
179
00:12:10,967 --> 00:12:13,879
- One here, one there.
- It's going wonderfully well in Nottingham.
180
00:12:13,927 --> 00:12:15,918
How do you know?
181
00:12:15,967 --> 00:12:18,561
- I'm guessing.
- Why would you guess Nottingham?
182
00:12:18,607 --> 00:12:21,405
Why should the people of Nottingham
be interested in Kenya?
183
00:12:21,447 --> 00:12:23,438
- Why not?
- I can't answer that.
184
00:12:23,487 --> 00:12:26,957
- There you are, then.
- How's it doing in the Shetland Isles?
185
00:12:27,007 --> 00:12:30,204
- Oh, how do I know?
- I thought you'd like to make another guess.
186
00:12:30,247 --> 00:12:32,363
- Oh, ha, ha!
- Bristol, Birmingham?
187
00:12:32,407 --> 00:12:35,524
- Oh, shut up.
- How do you guess it's selling in Gateshead?
188
00:12:35,567 --> 00:12:37,478
- I don't know anybody in Gateshead.
- Ah!
189
00:12:37,527 --> 00:12:39,722
Oh, well.
190
00:12:39,767 --> 00:12:44,477
All right, so I made a few phone calls. Nothing
wrong with recommending a book to friends.
191
00:12:44,527 --> 00:12:46,006
- I don't like it.
- Don't you?
192
00:12:46,047 --> 00:12:49,119
- It smacks of charity.
- And you smack of being stiff-necked.
193
00:12:52,247 --> 00:12:54,841
The next performance is at three o'clock.
194
00:12:54,887 --> 00:12:58,277
We shall be doing excerpts
from South Pacific.
195
00:12:59,527 --> 00:13:04,726
This has been quite the silliest morning
of my life and it's only just beginning.
196
00:13:08,007 --> 00:13:10,805
If you're trying to get Radio Luxembourg,
it's off the air.
197
00:13:10,847 --> 00:13:14,442
- I'm trying to find Lionel.
- Oh, where is he today?
198
00:13:14,487 --> 00:13:18,480
- He's doing a book programme in Glasgow.
- You won't get that on there.
199
00:13:18,527 --> 00:13:20,802
I can get France.
200
00:13:20,847 --> 00:13:25,637
Oh, maybe he'll do France next week.
Oh, I hope he's not too tired.
201
00:13:25,687 --> 00:13:29,236
Alistair's got him dashing all over
as if he's in the Milk Race.
202
00:13:29,287 --> 00:13:32,165
He's not cycling, is he?
203
00:13:33,167 --> 00:13:37,365
- Come on, Alistair's only trying to do his best.
- Oh, I know, I know.
204
00:13:37,407 --> 00:13:41,559
- Do you miss him?
- Well, I've got used to him being around.
205
00:13:41,607 --> 00:13:44,599
Is this what you meant
by success can be a mixed blessing?
206
00:13:44,647 --> 00:13:48,083
Sort of. Anyway, don't worry,
he might not be a success.
207
00:13:48,127 --> 00:13:51,597
Oh, I want him to be.
I want it both ways, don't I?
208
00:13:51,647 --> 00:13:54,115
That'll be Alistair.
209
00:13:54,167 --> 00:13:57,842
He's a success. How does he manage
so much time to take you out?
210
00:13:57,887 --> 00:14:01,084
- He's a big success.
- Oh, he's a mega success.
211
00:14:03,687 --> 00:14:05,882
- Hi, Alistair.
- Hi.
212
00:14:07,127 --> 00:14:08,719
- Hi, Jean.
- Hi.
213
00:14:08,767 --> 00:14:12,043
Ah, did you manage to get Lionel in Glasgow?
214
00:14:12,087 --> 00:14:15,079
He did well.
He's getting less hostile every time.
215
00:14:15,127 --> 00:14:18,278
How did you manage
to get a local radio station from Glasgow?
216
00:14:18,327 --> 00:14:20,318
- On the car radio.
- Can you get Tibet?
217
00:14:20,367 --> 00:14:22,562
- Only faintly.
- Oh.
218
00:14:22,607 --> 00:14:24,757
- Would you like a drink?
- No, thanks.
219
00:14:24,807 --> 00:14:28,277
- There's something I want to put to you.
- Oh, what?
220
00:14:29,367 --> 00:14:32,564
- The book.
- She's already bought 120 copies.
221
00:14:32,607 --> 00:14:34,802
- 140.
- Star on the chart!
222
00:14:34,847 --> 00:14:40,046
But I'm talking bigger than locally. We're not
exactly bombing, but we're not grabbing either.
223
00:14:40,087 --> 00:14:42,840
What we need to do is open up a second front.
224
00:14:42,887 --> 00:14:46,004
Are you intending to invade Russia?
225
00:14:46,047 --> 00:14:50,120
- You sounded just like Lionel then.
- I'll do his next interview for him.
226
00:14:50,167 --> 00:14:54,683
- Well, it's funny you should mention...
- Alistair, what are you building up to?
227
00:14:54,727 --> 00:14:59,596
The inscription in the book. "To Pooh" it says.
You're Pooh, aren't you?
228
00:15:00,607 --> 00:15:03,758
- Of course not.
- Pooh was a dog.
229
00:15:03,807 --> 00:15:06,560
- Yes, a spaniel.
- A collie.
230
00:15:06,607 --> 00:15:09,075
Lionel's favourite spaniel.
231
00:15:09,127 --> 00:15:12,005
- A springer spaniel.
- A cocker spaniel. Oh.
232
00:15:12,047 --> 00:15:16,996
All right, I am Pooh or, rather, I was. I certainly
wouldn't answer to it now. What about it?
233
00:15:17,047 --> 00:15:20,357
Don't you see? It's the perfect publicity angle.
234
00:15:20,407 --> 00:15:24,116
The book is dedicated to the girl he left behind,
the girl before Africa.
235
00:15:24,167 --> 00:15:26,317
The girl before the dawn of time.
236
00:15:26,367 --> 00:15:31,361
- Who is she? That's the angle. Who is Pooh?
- Do you seriously think anyone cares?
237
00:15:31,407 --> 00:15:34,797
They will.
We can have the whole nation on tenterhooks!
238
00:15:34,847 --> 00:15:37,839
- We could double the book sales.
- People love a mystery.
239
00:15:37,887 --> 00:15:41,084
What happens
when the nation's curiosity dries up?
240
00:15:41,127 --> 00:15:45,166
We don't let them. We produce you.
We produce Pooh!
241
00:15:49,327 --> 00:15:53,320
You did say you wanted to help.
242
00:15:54,407 --> 00:15:56,875
- You'd be what?
- Flattered.
243
00:15:56,927 --> 00:16:01,637
- I've always wanted to be a mystery woman.
- All right, then, you be Pooh, then.
244
00:16:01,687 --> 00:16:04,884
- When Lionel knew Pooh, I wasn't even born.
- That's just it.
245
00:16:04,927 --> 00:16:08,158
All this happened a hundred years ago.
It has no relevance to today.
246
00:16:08,207 --> 00:16:12,564
- People still fall in love.
- Yeah, I bet they don't call each other Pooh.
247
00:16:12,607 --> 00:16:15,201
Well, you did say you'd help.
248
00:16:15,247 --> 00:16:20,037
I have helped, one way and another.
I've lived with this bloody book for months.
249
00:16:20,087 --> 00:16:23,284
And now all this "Who's Pooh" business
is too much.
250
00:16:23,327 --> 00:16:26,125
- It's up to you.
- I hate it when people say that.
251
00:16:26,167 --> 00:16:29,955
They don't mean "make up your own mind",
but "I'm right and you're wrong".
252
00:16:30,007 --> 00:16:33,397
- Look, if you really hate the idea...
- Hello?
253
00:16:36,607 --> 00:16:38,802
Ah, it's a celebrity.
254
00:16:38,847 --> 00:16:42,556
Donald Duck is a celebrity,
I'm not even a five-minute wonder.
255
00:16:42,607 --> 00:16:46,646
- You're better looking than Donald Duck.
- Marginally. Could I beg a cup of tea?
256
00:16:46,687 --> 00:16:47,961
Yes.
257
00:16:48,007 --> 00:16:51,204
- Ahh, hello.
- Hello.
258
00:16:51,247 --> 00:16:53,602
You look awful.
259
00:16:53,647 --> 00:16:56,036
This is my brave face, as well.
260
00:16:56,087 --> 00:16:58,078
- Sit down.
- Thank you.
261
00:16:58,127 --> 00:17:00,322
Where have you come from?
262
00:17:00,367 --> 00:17:02,881
- Wales, I think.
- Oh, as bad as that?
263
00:17:02,927 --> 00:17:08,843
Alistair's itinerary wasn't really designed for me.
It was designed for a hyperactive decathlete.
264
00:17:08,887 --> 00:17:10,718
- Push, push?
- Yes.
265
00:17:10,767 --> 00:17:16,160
I hope the next time he says that, he's on top
of Beachy Head with his back to the sea.
266
00:17:17,127 --> 00:17:19,561
Keep telling yourself it's all worthwhile.
267
00:17:19,607 --> 00:17:22,405
- I'm too tired to listen.
- I'm sure it is.
268
00:17:22,447 --> 00:17:26,963
I don't know, I think I've seen more bookshops
than people wanting to buy the book.
269
00:17:27,007 --> 00:17:29,567
Ahh. How's your bunion?
270
00:17:29,607 --> 00:17:31,404
- Throbbing.
- Ahh.
271
00:17:31,447 --> 00:17:33,836
- That probably explains it.
- What?
272
00:17:33,887 --> 00:17:36,606
You being dismal.
Bunions can be very depressing.
273
00:17:36,647 --> 00:17:40,083
- I'm not being dismal, I'm being realistic.
- You were sanguine.
274
00:17:40,127 --> 00:17:42,960
Bluff. I was trying not to care.
275
00:17:43,007 --> 00:17:46,363
Vanity, I suppose, but at the end of the day,
I did want it to sell.
276
00:17:46,407 --> 00:17:51,561
- Well, it has. The local bookshop's sold out.
- Thanks. How many copies did you buy?
277
00:17:51,607 --> 00:17:57,318
- Now, what kind of a remark is that?
- An appreciative one. I just put it badly.
278
00:17:57,367 --> 00:18:01,440
And what's all this past tense?
What's all this "I did want it to sell"?
279
00:18:01,487 --> 00:18:07,483
I've grown accustomed to Alistair's vocabulary.
When he says "mega", he means minute.
280
00:18:08,887 --> 00:18:11,401
I'm sure he's got other ways
of pushing the book.
281
00:18:11,447 --> 00:18:14,359
Oh, let's be realistic, there isn't anything else.
282
00:18:34,967 --> 00:18:36,685
It's a celebrity.
283
00:18:36,727 --> 00:18:40,925
You've only said that twice
and it's wearing thin. Where are you off to?
284
00:18:40,967 --> 00:18:42,764
- Home.
- Already?
285
00:18:42,807 --> 00:18:45,002
It's past my bedtime.
286
00:18:45,047 --> 00:18:48,437
- Jean still here?
- No, she's gone home to talk to Alistair.
287
00:18:48,487 --> 00:18:53,436
- Oh, right, I'll creak round there, then.
- Ah, then you've saved me a diversion.
288
00:18:53,487 --> 00:18:57,002
Give this to her.
She won't want it lying around the office.
289
00:18:57,047 --> 00:19:00,039
- What's in it? Used notes?
- An idea.
290
00:19:00,087 --> 00:19:03,682
- I thought they were usually kept in her head.
- Good night.
291
00:19:03,727 --> 00:19:05,285
Good night.
292
00:19:08,527 --> 00:19:12,679
I get carried away, you see.
She doesn't really want to.
293
00:19:13,527 --> 00:19:16,519
I found those two sentences
totally incomprehensible.
294
00:19:16,567 --> 00:19:19,559
The envelope's not sealed.
295
00:19:19,607 --> 00:19:21,962
Good night.
296
00:19:46,087 --> 00:19:48,681
So, what did you think of the mock-ups?
297
00:19:48,727 --> 00:19:51,719
- I left them at the office.
- You didn't like them?
298
00:19:51,767 --> 00:19:55,760
I wouldn't have liked them if you'd
presented them to me in a jewelled casket.
299
00:19:55,807 --> 00:19:58,196
It's a woman's prerog,
but you haven't changed your mind?
300
00:19:58,247 --> 00:20:01,444
- No, I'll do it.
- Oh, come on, Mum, it'll be fun.
301
00:20:01,487 --> 00:20:02,556
Right.
302
00:20:02,607 --> 00:20:05,565
How many people get the chance
to be somebody?
303
00:20:05,607 --> 00:20:08,917
- Right.
- I already am someone. I'm me.
304
00:20:08,967 --> 00:20:11,925
- Anyone can be me.
- That's tortuous.
305
00:20:11,967 --> 00:20:15,516
- No, what Judith means...
- Yes, all right, I know what she means.
306
00:20:15,567 --> 00:20:20,163
I'm just thinking about the revelation.
Next week, Pooh revealed.
307
00:20:20,207 --> 00:20:23,836
- Tomorrow, Pooh revealed!
- You should be a copywriter.
308
00:20:23,887 --> 00:20:27,277
- And what is revealed? An old blob.
- Oh, come on, you're not old.
309
00:20:27,327 --> 00:20:31,115
- And you're not a blob.
- Thank you, I was hoping you'd say that.
310
00:20:31,167 --> 00:20:34,762
But you know what I mean. I'll be an anticlimax.
311
00:20:34,807 --> 00:20:37,799
I'm coming at you head-on with this one, Jean.
312
00:20:37,847 --> 00:20:41,283
You're not the end, you're the means.
313
00:20:42,287 --> 00:20:45,677
I think that's the least flattering thing
anyone has ever said to me.
314
00:20:45,727 --> 00:20:48,639
- Yes, so do I.
- But you're right.
315
00:20:48,687 --> 00:20:52,282
- You speak my language.
- No, but we've formed a sort of Esperanto.
316
00:20:52,327 --> 00:20:54,795
I'll get it.
317
00:20:57,607 --> 00:21:01,395
- Well, perhaps...
- Worth a try. Cheers.
318
00:21:01,447 --> 00:21:05,406
- You know, I could fall for you.
- Oh, you've done that. We've talked about it.
319
00:21:05,447 --> 00:21:08,837
You're much, much, much, much too old
for me!
320
00:21:08,887 --> 00:21:13,438
- This is out of the question.
- Li, though I say so myself, it's a great idea.
321
00:21:13,487 --> 00:21:16,445
I don't care if it's better than the wheel,
she's not doing it.
322
00:21:16,487 --> 00:21:18,318
- She's agreed.
- But I haven't.
323
00:21:18,367 --> 00:21:20,278
- She wants to do it.
- She's not.
324
00:21:20,327 --> 00:21:23,364
- I don't like this "she" business.
- You, then. You're not.
325
00:21:23,407 --> 00:21:25,318
- She wants...
- Who?
326
00:21:25,367 --> 00:21:26,959
- Jean wants to help.
- She's...
327
00:21:27,007 --> 00:21:29,805
- Who?
- You are not going to.
328
00:21:29,847 --> 00:21:33,283
- Don't tell me what to do.
- Anyone want some coffee?
329
00:21:33,327 --> 00:21:36,763
- Look, we're all on the same side here.
- On the button.
330
00:21:36,807 --> 00:21:38,240
- Of course we are.
- No.
331
00:21:38,287 --> 00:21:41,245
- Lionel, she...
- Oh, be quiet.
332
00:21:41,287 --> 00:21:44,085
- Who is Pooh? She is...
- Who?
333
00:21:46,127 --> 00:21:50,962
Jean Pargetter, the girl I was in love with,
is Pooh.
334
00:21:51,007 --> 00:21:54,283
It's a silly nickname because Jean liked honey.
It's our business.
335
00:21:54,327 --> 00:21:57,717
It has nothing to do with the readers
of this or that newspaper.
336
00:21:57,767 --> 00:21:59,758
But if it helps to sell the book...
337
00:21:59,807 --> 00:22:01,798
It has nothing to do with the book.
338
00:22:01,847 --> 00:22:03,678
It's ours.
339
00:22:07,367 --> 00:22:11,076
- Why don't you ever say anything like that?
- Huh?
340
00:22:15,407 --> 00:22:18,399
- What did you say?
- I can't remember.
341
00:22:19,887 --> 00:22:21,878
- You meant it.
- Of course I meant it.
342
00:22:21,927 --> 00:22:23,963
- Oh, but the book...
- Bugger the book.
343
00:22:24,007 --> 00:22:26,123
Look, I went to a travel agent's.
344
00:22:26,167 --> 00:22:28,158
- You're going back to Kenya!
- No!
345
00:22:28,207 --> 00:22:30,357
- Paris.
- Why are you going to Paris?
346
00:22:30,407 --> 00:22:33,524
I booked for two.
That weekend we planned and never had.
347
00:22:33,567 --> 00:22:36,764
- You're making assumptions.
- I thought it was time I did.
348
00:22:36,807 --> 00:22:40,117
- Oh, I see.
- You're not going to go on the defensive?
349
00:22:40,167 --> 00:22:42,601
Not with you in such a masterful mood.
350
00:22:42,647 --> 00:22:47,482
- Now you're just taking the mickey.
- No, I'm not. Not at all.
351
00:22:47,527 --> 00:22:51,566
- We're going out to eat. Coming?
- You don't know what a good sulk is.
352
00:22:51,607 --> 00:22:54,326
- No. Well, are you coming or not?
- No.
353
00:22:54,367 --> 00:22:58,440
- No, thank you.
- Do you know, I amaze myself sometimes.
354
00:22:58,487 --> 00:23:02,002
What have you done?
Passed a mirror without looking in it?
355
00:23:02,807 --> 00:23:06,880
Nice dig, Li, but no.
I've just thought of your next book.
356
00:23:06,927 --> 00:23:09,521
- Oh, for heaven's sake!
- Oh, go and eat, Alistair!
357
00:23:09,567 --> 00:23:12,604
- Just let me give you the bones.
- Lionel's tired.
358
00:23:12,647 --> 00:23:16,845
He'll feel like moving mountains
when he's heard this.
359
00:23:16,887 --> 00:23:19,196
It's set in the '50s, right?
360
00:23:19,247 --> 00:23:24,401
A young army lieutenant and a young nurse
are in love, and I mean heavy love!
361
00:23:24,447 --> 00:23:27,598
- Don't tell me, he gets posted to Korea.
- I know what happens.
362
00:23:27,647 --> 00:23:29,956
The nurse sends him a letter
and he doesn't get it.
363
00:23:30,007 --> 00:23:31,998
- Tragic, but dull.
- Dull?
364
00:23:32,047 --> 00:23:34,845
In a "God, I can't put this book down" sense.
No, no, no.
365
00:23:34,887 --> 00:23:39,324
He gets the letter,
but just as he's about to read it... he's wounded.
366
00:23:39,367 --> 00:23:41,358
By a mule?
367
00:23:41,407 --> 00:23:44,126
An enemy mule, of course.
368
00:23:44,167 --> 00:23:49,195
You're not taking me seriously, are you? Look,
this could be the prequel to My Life in Kenya.
369
00:23:49,247 --> 00:23:52,444
Go away or this could be the prequel
to some very foul language.
370
00:23:52,487 --> 00:23:57,277
- Another time, Alistair.
- OK, OK. Let's see if we can think of a title.
371
00:23:57,967 --> 00:24:00,356
- Us, a novel.
- Don't even think about it.
372
00:24:00,407 --> 00:24:04,798
I've thought of a very good title already.
The Jean And Lionel Story.
373
00:24:04,847 --> 00:24:08,044
- They laughed, they loved, they lost...
- Until...
374
00:24:08,087 --> 00:24:11,875
- Until what?
- In inverted commas. Until... dot, dot, dot, dot.
375
00:24:11,927 --> 00:24:15,966
- We're sounding like Alistair.
- I'd like to be taller.
376
00:24:16,007 --> 00:24:20,558
- Now, that's a strange thing to say.
- In the book. And willowy.
377
00:24:20,607 --> 00:24:24,395
Oh. Fair enough.
And I'll have a shock of red hair.
378
00:24:26,527 --> 00:24:28,836
- And Jean's too plain.
- Gert?
379
00:24:28,887 --> 00:24:30,878
Oh, good! Gert!
380
00:24:30,927 --> 00:24:32,918
Gert and Ginger.
381
00:24:34,247 --> 00:24:36,238
- Have a drink.
- Yes, good idea.
382
00:24:36,287 --> 00:24:39,279
Oh, God. Ohh!
I clicked in about 18 places then.
383
00:24:39,327 --> 00:24:44,924
Stay there. I'll get it. Would you like something
to eat? I don't have any doughnuts.
384
00:24:44,967 --> 00:24:48,004
Well, beans on toast would be nice.
385
00:24:48,047 --> 00:24:50,083
You don't trust my cooking, do you?
386
00:24:50,127 --> 00:24:53,199
- I just fancy beans on toast!
- Hm.
387
00:24:54,527 --> 00:24:57,678
- Cheers.
- Ah, thanks. Cheers.
388
00:24:57,727 --> 00:24:59,524
The Gert And Ginger Story.
389
00:25:00,447 --> 00:25:04,759
Why stop at one book? I could make it
a series. Gert And Ginger Go To Paris.
390
00:25:05,927 --> 00:25:10,125
- Gert And Ginger Go To The Chiropodist.
- Gert And Ginger Go To The Dogs.
391
00:25:11,287 --> 00:25:14,085
Yes, but who knows about the ending?
392
00:25:14,127 --> 00:25:20,123
I mean, there we were and here we are now
with a great big gap of 38 years in between.
393
00:25:21,687 --> 00:25:25,043
Sometimes it's as though
we've never been apart.
394
00:25:25,087 --> 00:25:29,239
But at other times...
it seems that we never knew each other,
395
00:25:29,287 --> 00:25:31,847
that we were just complete strangers.
396
00:25:33,207 --> 00:25:37,325
I wonder what'll happen to us.
Have you any ideas on the subject?
397
00:25:41,247 --> 00:25:43,044
Lionel?
398
00:25:48,927 --> 00:25:50,645
Lionel?
399
00:25:54,647 --> 00:25:56,444
My hero.
400
00:26:05,167 --> 00:26:07,727
# You must remember this
401
00:26:07,767 --> 00:26:10,361
# A kiss is still a kiss
402
00:26:10,407 --> 00:26:13,604
# A sigh is just a sigh
403
00:26:16,087 --> 00:26:19,443
# The fundamental things apply
404
00:26:19,487 --> 00:26:23,275
# As time goes by
405
00:26:26,807 --> 00:26:29,526
# And when two lovers woo
406
00:26:29,567 --> 00:26:32,161
# They still say I love you
407
00:26:32,207 --> 00:26:35,404
# On that you can rely
408
00:26:37,887 --> 00:26:42,483
# The world will always welcome lovers
409
00:26:43,607 --> 00:26:51,525
# As time goes by #
410
00:26:52,525 --> 00:27:02,525
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