Original subtitles

Futurama is brought to you by...

... Arachno Spores, the fatal spore with the funny name.

Lesser of Two Evils

Cop Department is real.

The people are not actors.

Most aren 't even people.

Come on, man. I didn 't fire off no laser.

Then why is there a smoking hole in your ceiling?

Crazy upstairs lady's been shooting down.

You're on the top floor of this domicile.

Get that f* * *ing camera out of my house!

Just relax, ma 'am. Sir? Put down the lamp.

[CRASHING]

SUSPECT: Okay, I'm cooperating.

That's it. Put up your hands.

Nice and slow. Oh, yeah.

-While you're at it, unblur your face. -Oh, man!

LEELA: Bender, you said you were in this episode.

No. I'm on Caught on Tape Three for what I did in the coffee pot.

I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I'm just going through some things.

I'm going in.

Cop Department will be right back.

Is today's lifestyle making you tense and impatient?

Shut up and get to the point!

Then relive the carefree days of yore at Past-O-Rama...

...where old New York comes alive. -It's like living in the year 2000.

Time for the mammoth hunt, dudes.

-Let's disco dance, Hammurabi. -"Dy-no-mite!"

Located on the former site of Brooklyn.

Sounds like your kind of place. Wanna go?

Nah. If I wanna go back, I'll freeze myself again.

Come on, Fry! I want to see it. You know I yearn for a simpler time...

...of barn dances and buggy rides...

...before life was cheapened by heartless machines.

But Bender, you are a...

Blah-blah-blah-blah-blah!

It's like the good old days.

Give me your wallet or I'll cut you!

Get a picture of me being "mugged. "

Give me the camera too!

Learning is fun.

Ooh! Ancient Wall Street.

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

- No! - I'm ruined!

[BELL RINGS]

- Yay! - Who-hoo!

I direct your attention to this ancient tablet.

Which has yet to be deciphered.

- Do you know? - Yes. A cop told me.

It means, "up yours. "

I'm really enjoying the day out with you people.

Hey, a suicide booth! So long, suckers!

Sorry, Bender, that's just a phone booth.

- What were they used for? - In New York? Bathrooms.

I'll be out in a second.

"Tokens only. " How does this work?

I'll show you.

Oh, it's a turnstile.

What's this?

- [SNIFFS] Another bathroom? - It's a mobile apartment with no rent.

Come on, Fry, get up!

LEELA: The tomb of the 20th century's greatest spiritual leader...

...AI Sharpton.

Ooh! This guy had taste.

He was mummified in ceremonial vestments.

We called it a "jogging suit. "

Old New York's traffic jams...

... were a public forum for the exchange of opinions.

Move it, crap for brains!

Get on, bastard man!

It all started with Gerald Ford's invention...

... the Automo-Car, powered by a tank of burning fossils.

Here is a 20th century assembly line...

... where cars were constructed by primitive robots.

ROBOTS: Oo-gah! Oo-gah! Oo-gah!

We've come a long way, baby.

The fruit of the robot's labor was the stately 1 992 Latoura.

My girlfriend had one! Actually, she wasn't my girlfriend...

...she just never closed her curtains.

Didn't I tell you to end your stories a sentence earlier?

Let's sneak in for a closer look.

We don't touch the antiques, sir.

I'm sorry. You work here. I should have known from that getup.

This is from Miller's Outpo... I mean, yeah, I work here all right.

Move this rust bucket out behind Saint Koch's cathedral.

Did you drive much, Fry?

No one in New York drove. There was too much traffic.

[ENGINE REVS]

Nice. Listen to that baby purr.

There's a baby in there, huh?

It's just like riding a bicy...

- I think I got whiplash. - How? You don't have a neck.

I meant ass whiplash.

I'm glad we hit something. I thought we'd never stop.

I think I got whiplash.

FRY: How's the robot I hit?

We did all we could.

- You mean he's... - Good as new? Yes!

Leela, Zoidberg, the rest of you, this is Flexo.

Except for that stylish beard, he looks just like Bender!

No duh! We're both bending units.

What's your serial number?

337031 8.

No way! Mine's 27 1 6057.

- I don't get it. - We're both the sum of two cubes.

Sorry about crushing your body, Flexo. You okay now?

Well, I don't feel as bad as you look.

I'm just messing with you. You're okay.

That's some face you've got. There's a cream for that.

- No. You're great. - Is there anything I can do for you?

Your stunt did a number on my back. You mind rubbing it for me?

Sure.

That's it. A little lower.

- How's that? - Lower.

- That's it. A little lower, though. - I can't get any lower.

I'll say. You're rubbing my ass!

Check it out. Six beautiful devices.

They know what you like, and they do it to within one micron.

- Spin those fans, baby. - Yeah, baby!

All right, mama!

- Spin it, baby. - Gyrate it, honey!

I don't like this place. It's 1 20% with little oxygen.

Shut up and hoot.

- Yeah! - All right!

Hubba-hubba! She is built! In Mexico, I believe.

And that ain't silicon. It's tungsten, and plenty of it.

Yeah. Look at that exhaust fan.

- Pervert. - Yoo-hoo... .

Thanks, moderate spender. Select erotic transaction.

How about a lap dance for my pal here?

No. That's all right. Really.

There's something about Flexo I don't like.

Hey, Fry? Think fast!

Get it? It's chlorine!

- It's funny because it's poisonous. - Keep laughing, shrimp.

He's bad news. I regret hitting him.

Take a rage dump. He's no worse than Bender.

He is. He drinks, smokes and posts naked photos of me.

- That's Bender. - I'm talking about Flexo.

I get it. This is cute. You're jealous of Bender's new friend.

No, I'm not! Mark my words:

Flexo's evil. He's the evil Bender.

Rage dump.

Good news, everyone. Report to my bedroom for a private exhibition.

Everyone, get in bed with me. I have something to show you.

FARNSWORTH: Feast your eyes on this!

[GASPING]

LEELA: It's beautiful!

AMY: And huge!

FRY: Can I touch it?

What is it, already?

It's a single atom of Jumbonium.

An element so rare the nucleus alone is worth more than $50,000.

- How much more? - 1 00,000.

That's why I hid it under my mattress.

Can we discuss this somewhere else?

Why certainly.

The atom sits atop this dime-store tiara...

...to be awarded to the winner of the Miss Universe Pageant.

Your job is to deliver it, safe and sound.

When I was a little girl, I dreamed of being Miss Universe.

That's pathetic.

Deep down, all girls wanna be Miss Universe.

- Not me. - Really?

Maybe it's just cute girls.

The atom's value would bankrupt Planet Express, if it were stolen.

We'll need to hire additional security for the mission.

Mister Professor, right here!

We should stick with people we know.

- Flexo's great, but... - Flexo's great?

That's good enough for me.

Welcome aboard, lad.

Space bandidos are operating nearby.

You'll take eight-hour guard shifts.

Bender, then Flexo, then Fry.

Wait. Hold on. Let's go alphabetically.

Okay. Bender, then Flexo, then Fry.

Go by rank.

Okay. Bender, then Flexo, then Fry.

Flexo outranks me?

That's "Flexo outranks me, sir! "

- Who goes there? - Don't point that at me.

I know Flexo's your friend, but I don't trust him.

Just because he has a beard you label him as evil?

I've got a label for you, an ugly word called "prejudice. "

- I'm not prejudiced. - Save it for the cross burning, Adolf!

- Keeping an eye on the safe? - You know it!

Looks like it's my shift. Lie down and go off-line for a while.

All right.

[BENDER WHISTLES]

Caught you! You were looking at the atom.

So? I look at lots of atoms.

- Shouldn't you rest up for your shift? - You'd like me to fall asleep.

Whatever it takes to shut your yapper.

I'm just kidding you.

Here's a joke: I'm gonna sit here until my shift.

- Suit yourself, skinbag. - I will.

- Good! - Good!

Good!

That's eight hours.

Eight hours of solid boredom.

I'm kidding. You're a wonderful man.

Finally, the atom is safe.

What is it?

My God! Did you hear maracas?

- No. - It wasn't space bandidos.

Lock the ship.

- Don't let Flexo escape. - Aye, aye.

It appears Flexo has outwitted us all. Especially me...

...Bender.

How did he steal the atom?

By using a sleep ray. Sleep rays exist, right?

- No. - Then I fell asleep.

You were sure right about Flexo.

The ship's locked. He may have escaped.

Thanks, Bender. Let's look for him.

I've got a map of the ship right here.

Keep an eye on Fry. It's possible that he did it.

A-ha!

A-ha!

Searching... .

Why are you looking for Flexo in my underpants?

He wasn't here 1 0 minutes ago, so I thought I'd check again.

Ow!

Well, he wasn't in the kitchen room.

Bender, can I hold that map for a second?

And leave me high and dry in case of a scavenger hunt? No way.

Give it up!

All right, take it!

Looks like Flexo got away clean.

It's a darn shame.

He must have jumped ship just as we landed.

Or maybe he never left at all!

Wait. You're Bender.

Who said I wasn't?

Why were you wearing a scarf, a turtleneck and this?

It's a little thing called style. Look it up sometime.

Our ninth finalist, Miss Methane Planet...

...Halatina Smogmeyer.

And our tenth and final finalist, Miss Earth's Moon...

...the Crush-A-Nator.

Thank you, Bob Barker. I'm as happy as a girl can be.

End statement.

Which one of these lovely womanoids will take home the atomic tiara?

Downplay the tiara.

We'll find out after these subliminal messages.

You lost the atom, huh? You're garbage! Human garbage!

Do you space jockeys have any idea how much it's worth?

- $ 1 00,000? - $200,000?

- $200,001? - You're closest without going over.

We'll leave. Just sign, saying you received the atom.

I'm not signing squat. Find me that damn tiara.

- But, Mr. Barker... - Enough!

I may be against the fur industry, but I'll skin you alive!

As long as no one wears the skin.

Well, gentlemen, it appears we're boned.

- Flexo! - Get him!

[CONTESTANT PLAYS WILLIAM TELL O VERTURE]

Next, in what is generously called the talent competition...

...performing a traditional gangster rap, Miss...

What the...?

[CONTESTANTS SCREAM]

Got you!

Fight! Fight! Fight!

- Shoot him, he's choking me! - No. Shoot him, he's choking me!

- I don't know which one to shoot! - Shoot Flexo!

Women only room!

[CONTESTANT BEAT BOXES]

All right, enough of this!

There's the atom!

Bender? You stole the atom?

Yeah, but I can explain: It's very valuable.

I saw him snatch it while Fry slept. That's why I ran to tell Bob Barker.

Wait a second. Bender is the evil Bender?

I am shocked! Shocked! Well, not that shocked.

I'm sorry we suspected you, Flexo. But with the beard...

Don't even bother! You people sicken me!

I put my life on the line. This is how you repay me?

You can go rot for all I care!

I'm just kidding. You guys are all right.

I'm so confused.

The Bender I like is evil, and the Bender I hate is good.

How can I live my life and not tell good from evil?

They're both fine choices. Whatever floats your boat.

- Is this the guy? - Huh? Yeah.

It looks like him.

- Wait, but l... - Take him away.

Let's put an end to this pathetic hoedown.

Brannigan?

And the winner is... .

Who else but Zapp Brannigan...

...would be judging the most chauvinistic, degrading...

Leela?

Wait, you're making a...

Look at that!

I feel like a princess!

Are you people idiots?

I'm still going mano a mano with this envelope.

And the winner is...

...Miss Vega 4!

There it is...

... Miss Universe

There it is...

... looking weird

I almost had that tiara.

Me too.

You guys are losers...

...but I made out with the woman from the Radiator Planet.

Fry, that's a radiator.

Is there a burn ward nearby?

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