Original subtitles

HOW THE HELL DO I IRON THESE?

HOW ABOUT THAT? MY TWO FAVORITE THINGS.

JIM, WHAT THE CRAP? WE GOT A HOCKEY GAME TO GO TO.

YOU HAVEN'T DONE YOUR MAKEUP?

I DON'T WEAR MAKEUP.

I WEAR WAR PAINT BECAUSE I'M A MAN.

OKAY, OKAY. WELL, LET'S GO. I CAN'T GO.

I'VE GOTTA IRON BRAS AND GO TO THE GYNECOLOGIST.

WHY ARE YOU GOING TO A LADY DOCTOR?

I GOTTA TAKE CHERYL. SUDDENLY, WE'RE PREGNANT.

OH, MAN. BUT YOU SPRUNG FOR TICKETS.

YOU KNOW WHAT? HERE.

YOU TAKE 'EM. CALL A BUDDY.

SURE...

I'LL CALL, UH...

YEAH.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST TAKE BOTH SEATS AND SPREAD OUT?

YOU KNOW, YOU PUT YOUR POPCORN THERE.

YOU KNOW WHAT? THAT'S A... THAT'S A LOT BETTER.

THANKS.

HEY, WET T-SHIRT.

♪♪♪

SMELL IT, SMELL IT!

YOU GOT TO PICK YESTERDAY.

WE'RE NOT WATCHING THE STUPID FOOD NETWORK

'CAUSE YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON BOBBY FLAY!

I LIKE HIS COOKING.

YOU LIKE HIS BUTT. GIVE ME THE CHANNEL CHANGER! NO, I'M SICK OF...

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. GET YOUR HANDS OFF...

THAT'S ENOUGH, THAT'S ENOUGH, THAT'S ENOUGH.

SIT DOWN, SIT DOWN. WHAT WAS THAT FOR?

CROWD CONTROL. I AM SICK OF YOU GUYS

BICKERING OVER EVERYTHING.

I DON'T CARE IF SHE STOLE YOUR SOCKS

OR YOU'VE BEEN IN THE BATHROOM TOO LONG,

OR KYLE'S MAKING EVERYBODY GUESS WHAT HIS FINGER SMELLS LIKE.

YOU'LL NEVER FIGURE IT OUT.

AND YOU STAY AWAY FROM THE NEIGHBOR'S CAT.

BUT MOM ALWAYS FIXES IT WHEN WE FIGHT.

YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M NOT YOUR MOM.

I'M NOT. I DON'T "LISTEN."

I DON'T "HUG."

I DON'T "LOVE YOU ALL EQUALLY."

LOOK, IF IT WAS UP TO ME,

YOU GUYS CAN BEAT EACH OTHER UP TILL SOMEBODY WINS.

BUT MOMMY'S INVENTED "USING YOUR WORDS."

AND WHAT DOES DADDY CALL WORDS?

(giggles) THE DEVIL'S TOOLBOX.

VERY GOOD, GRACIE.

WHERE WERE YOU TWO ON THAT? HUH? HUH? WHERE WERE YOU?

NOW... WHAT WE NEED HERE...

WE CAN'T FIGHT, SO WE GOTTA TALK.

SO WE'RE GONNA CREATE A CHILDREN'S TRIBUNAL.

ARE YOU GONNA SELL US?

BELIEVE ME, THERE'S NO MARKET FOR IT.

ALL RIGHT.

"TRIBUNAL" COMES FROM LATIN.

"TRI" MEANS "THREE,"

AND "BUNAL" MEANS "LEAVE YOUR FATHER ALONE."

SO WHENEVER YOU HAVE A DISAGREEMENT,

YOU'RE GONNA TALK ABOUT IT,

AND THEN YOU'RE GONNA VOTE ON A SOLUTION.

BUT WHAT IF WE DON'T AGREE?

WELL, MAJORITY RULES.

ONE OF YOU IS GONNA BE OUTVOTED BY THE OTHER TWO "BUNALS."

HOW DOES THAT SOUND?

LIKE THE ONLY BOY IS GONNA GET HOSED.

WELL, BUT YOU CAN HOSE SOMEONE ELSE A LITTLE LATER ON.

AND EVENTUALLY ALL THE HOSING EVENS OUT.

AND THAT'S THE WAY AMERICA WORKS.

NOW GET ME A BEER. GET ME A BEER! GET ME A BEER!

SHAKE IT, SHAKE IT, SHAKE IT, SHAKE IT!

OKAY, CHERYL, ANYTHING YOU NEED, JUST CALL.

I'M HERE TO TACKLE ANY EMERGENCY...

(singsong voice) BECAUSE WE'RE HAVING A BABY.

(normal voice) "WE."

DAD, THERE'S ONLY TWO POPSICLES,

AND THEY WON'T LET ME HAVE ONE.

WE CALLED IT. DID NOT!

POPSICLES! TRIBUNAL.

OH, HEY, YEAH. WE'LL SET IT UP IN OUR ROOM.

THERE YOU GO. I'LL GET THE GAVEL.

POPSICLES! (Ruby) I'LL GET THE ROBES SO WE LOOK PROFESSIONAL.

I AM BEING SUCH A GREAT PARENT,

AND THERE'S NOBODY HERE TO SEE IT.

(man) AND NOW IT'S TIME

FOR OUR BLACKHAWKS FAN GIVEAWAY.

OUR WINNER IS SITTING

IN SECTION 207, ROW 15, SEAT 4.

THAT'S MY SEAT!

THAT'S MY SEAT!

CONGRATULATIONS.

YOU'VE WON MILKSHAKES FOR A MONTH,

COURTESY OF DIDI'S DAIRYLAND.

MILKSHAKES FOR A MONTH?!

OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD!

I WON! I WON!

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, ANDY. NO, I WON!

MILKSHAKES FOR ANDY!

♪ MILKSHAKES FOR ANDY ♪

NO MILKSHAKES FOR ANDY!

MILKSHAKES FOR JIM! JIM! JIM!

ME!

MINE!

CAN'T BELIEVE IT. UNBELIEVABLE!

FIRST, HE TAKES MY SEATS, AND NOW HE STEALS MY MILKSHAKES.

IT'S LIKE... IT'S LIKE...

IT'S LIKE ME IF THE SITUATION WERE REVERSED.

HEY, EVERYBODY, GUESS WHAT?

I MET A GIRL TONIGHT. HER NAME IS LADY LUCK.

MMM.

AND SHE'S DELICIOUS.

VERY FUNNY, ANDY. NOW HAND ME MY MILKSHAKE.

YOUR MILKSHAKE?

YEAH. YOU WERE IN MY SEAT WHEN YOU WON.

THAT MILKSHAKE IS FOR ME.

OH, THAT'S WEIRD,

BECAUSE HERE IT IS IN MY HAND, DOWN MY THROAT...

AND IN ME BELLY.

OH, SOON TO BE FOLLOWED

BY 75 OF ITS COUNTRYMEN. (laughs)

I BOUGHT THOSE SHEETS. THAT COUPON BOOK IS MINE.

JIM, YOU HAD TO BE THERE TO WIN.

YOU WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN THERE IF IT WASN'T FOR ME! YOU GAVE ME THE TICKETS!

OH, COME ON! YOU WERE BEING PITIFUL! OH... (speaking indistinctly)

TRIBUNAL! TRIBUNAL!

HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY! OH, OH, OH, OH!

(gasps)

WHAT'S THAT ABOUT?

WHAT THE "H"?!

DADDY SAID THE ONLY WAY TO SETTLE SOMETHING

TWO PEOPLE CAN'T AGREE ON IS TO VOTE. I VOTE FOR ANDY.

I VOTE FOR JIM. I VOTE FOR POPSICLES.

YOU TWO CAN'T VOTE.

THE THREE OF US WILL COME UP WITH A SOLUTION. NO WAY!

WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE.

I THINK MY DARLING, TALENTED DAUGHTER HERE

HAS A VERY GOOD IDEA.

YEAH, OF COURSE YOU DO. YOU SPAWNED THESE RATS.

NO, NO, NO, NO. THEY'RE JUST GONNA VOTE FOR YOU.

NO, THE TRIBUNAL'S TOTALLY FAIR.

ALL WE SEEK IS AMERICAN JUSTICE.

UNLESS... YOU DON'T BELIEVE IN AMERICA.

HOW DARE YOU.

I'M AS AMERICAN AS APPLE PIE.

OOH, A MILKSHAKE FLAVOR I WILL HAVE ON THURSDAY.

GIMME MY MILKSHAKE! GIMME... STOP!

NO, HEY! HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY!

ALL RIGHT, TRIBUNAL. TRIBUNAL.

KYLE, WOULD YOU MIND TAKING THE COUPONS FROM UNCLE ANDY?

OH, I THINK I CAN HANG ON TO THE COUPONS.

WE CAN DO THIS THE EASY WAY OR THE HARD WAY.

PLEASE, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA HIT FROM DOWN THERE?

...AND SO, IN CLOSING, YOUR HONORS,

I WENT TO THAT GAME. I SAT IN THAT SEAT.

SO CLEARLY, I DESERVE THE MILKSHAKES LEGALLY.

OBJECTION.

ON WHAT GROUNDS?

I DON'T WANT YOU TO WIN.

OVERRULED.

HEARSAY! FIFTH COMMANDMENT! HIDEOUS PORPOISE!

PLEASE CONTINUE.

(Andy) THANK YOU.

BUT DO I DESERVE SAID MILKSHAKES IN THE LEGAL SENSE?

WELL, WHAT ELSE DO I HAVE IN MY EMPTY, EMPTY LIFE?

A WIFE? NO.

THREE BEAUTIFUL CHERUBS? NAY.

ALL I HAVE ARE THOSE COUPONS

AND THE QUICKLY FADING MEMORY OF MY FATHER...

(voice breaking) WHO USED TO TAKE ME OUT FOR MILKSHAKES

WHEN I WAS SAD.

(high-pitched voice) SURE COULD USE ONE

WITH WHIPPED CREAM ON TOP NOW, POP.

(Jim) OH...

OW!

ORDER, ORDER, ORDER!

HONORED BUNALS...

PICTURE A JUNGLE...

AND A MIGHTY LION HAS JUST KILLED A GAZELLE.

AND IT WANTS TO DRINK ITS BLOOD.

AND HE DESERVES IT.

BUT THEN A HYENA COMES AND STEALS THE GAZELLE.

WHAT'S A GAZELLE?

MM, IT'S LIKE A... DEER, LIKE... LIKE BAMBI?

THE LION DRINKS BAMBI'S BLOOD? THAT'S SO GROSS!

(children shouting at once)

OKAY, OKAY, OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.

NEW STORY, NEW STORY, NEW STORY.

I DIDN'T WANT TO TELL YOU THIS,

BUT DADDY GOT A CALL FROM THE DOCTOR.

AND THE NEWS IS NOT GOOD.

WHAT IS IT? ARE YOU SICK?

WELL, THEY DON'T KNOW FOR SURE.

BUT THEY DO KNOW ONE THING...

THAT DADDY'S GONNA DIE VERY, VERY SOON.

BUT SCIENTISTS SAY

THAT MILKSHAKES CAN CURE ANYTHING.

OBJECTION!

ON WHAT GROUNDS?

THAT IT'S NOT TRUE!

ARE YOU A SCIENTIST?

MAYBE YOUR UNCLE ANDY IS RIGHT...

OR MAYBE HE'S NOT.

BUT ARE YOU... WILLING...

TO TAKE THAT CHANCE?

THANK YOU...

AND MAYBE...

GOOD-BYE.

WELL, ANDY, YOU DON'T LOOK SO GOOD.

YOU A LITTLE NERVOUS?

I'M NOT NERVOUS. I KNOW THAT I'M RIGHT.

OH. YOU WANT TO CUT A DEAL? OH, GOD, YES. PLEASE, PLEASE, GIVE ME ANYTHING.

I'LL TAKE STRAW SQUEEZINGS. LET ME LICK THE LID, HUH?

HEY, HEY, DRINK IT, AND I'LL SMELL YOUR BREATH.

ANYTHING. ANDY, ANDY...

ALL RISE!

HEY!

THE TRIBUNAL HAS REACHED ITS DECISION.

(sighs)

GET UP, GET UP, GET UP.

FOR PETE SAKES.

WE BELIEVE THE CASE OF ANDY vs. DADDY

IS ULTIMATELY DETERMINED

BY THE LAW OF "FINDERS KEEPERS, LOSERS WEEPERS."

WE THEREFORE RULE IN FAVOR OF UNCLE ANDY.

WHAT?!

AH! YOU HEAR THAT, POP?

YOUR LITTLE ANDY FINALLY WON ONE.

WHAT?! WHAT THE HELL KIND OF TRIBUNAL

ARE YOU MONKEYS RUNNING HERE?

THE TRIBUNAL HAS SPOKEN!

WELL, THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS!

OH, SORRY, JIM, BUT A VERDICT'S BEEN REACHED.

CERTAINLY NO ONE WOULD CHALLENGE

THE WISDOM OF THESE DELIGHTFUL YOUNGSTERS.

I DEMAND AN APPEAL!

A WHAT?

AN APPEAL! A DO-OVER.

YOU SEE, THAT'S HOW GROWN-UP LAW WORKS.

YOU GET ONE MORE CHANCE TO CHANGE PEOPLE'S MINDS. REALLY?

YEAH, YOU KNOW, REMEMBER THE TIME

DADDY PUNCHED OUT THAT LLAMA AT THE PETTING ZOO,

AND WE ALL THOUGHT THAT DADDY WAS GONNA GO

FOR A 30-DAY SLEEPOVER?

BUT HE GOT A CHANCE TO CHANGE THEIR MINDS,

AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS PICK UP GARBAGE ALONG THE HIGHWAY.

FINE. WE WILL ALLOW YOUR APPEAL THINGY TOMORROW.

YES! NO! I APPEAL HIS APPEAL.

IS THAT ALLOWED? WELL, IT WOULD BE,

BUT WE'RE GOING OUT FOR PIZZA AND BOWLING. COME ON.

(children shouting at once) HANG ON A SECOND.

NO, THAT'S NOT FAIR! (high-pitched voice) NOT FAIR.

I ALREADY WON! YOU ALREADY WON!

CAN WE STOP BY THE PETTING ZOO ON THE WAY BACK?

(normal voice) UH, YOU CAN, BUT, UH,

BY LAW, DADDY'S GOT TO HANG BACK 100 FEET.

(door shuts)

ALL RIGHT, MY LITTLE DARLINGS, HERE YOU GO...

ORANGE JUICE, SCRAMBLED EGGS, PANCAKES...

JUST HOW YOU LIKE 'EM.

THERE'S $20 BETWEEN MY PANCAKES.

MINE, TOO. REALLY?

(mouth full) I DIDN'T GET ONE.

I THOUGHT THAT WAS BACON.

ARE YOU TRYING TO BRIBE US?

BR... BRIBE?

WELL... LISTEN.

I KNOW WHEN IT COMES TO THIS CASE,

YOU'RE GONNA LISTEN TO YOUR HEARTS

AND... THESE NEW HANNAH MONTANA CDs.

HANNAH MONTANA? I LOVE HER.

YEAH, THAT'S GOOD, ISN'T IT?

HUH! INTERESTING.

IT'S NOT DECEMBER, BUT IT LOOKS LIKE SANTA PAID A VISIT.

HO HO HO. WHATEVER DO YOU MEAN?

BRIBING YOUR CHILDREN? DEPLORABLE.

OH, THE PSYCHOLOGICAL DAMAGE

THIS MUST HAVE CAUSED YOU, ANGELS.

MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, THE PAIN WILL BE EASED

BY THE NEW BIKES I GOT YA!

NEW BIKES? COOL! WHERE?

SO IT'S ON?

OH, IT'S ON.

♪♪♪

NO WAY. I'M NOT TOUCHING THAT DRAGON.

KYLE. KYLE!

A CAMEL?

YOU'RE OFFERING CAMEL RIDES NOW?

YOU ARE LOWER THAN LOW.

HUH. THANKS FOR THE NEW CELL PHONE, UNCLE ANDY.

OH, AND, DADDY, THANKS FOR EXTENDING MY CURFEW.

HEY, COME ON.

WHAT KIND OF TROUBLE

CAN A 12-YEAR-OLD GIRL GET INTO AT 4:00 A.M.?

LISTEN, GET YOUR REST, THOUGH,

BECAUSE IT'S A BIG DAY TOMORROW.

WHY?

WELL, MY GOOD FRIENDS ZACK AND CODY ARE COMING BY.

ARE YOU SERIOUS? ARE YOU KIDDING? ARE YOU KIDDING?

NO, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. YOU DON'T KNOW THEM.

YOU DON'T KNOW THAT. I HAVE OTHER FRIENDS. REALLY?

YES. YOU'RE FRIENDS WITH THE SPROUSE TWINS FROM TV?

ABSOLUTELY. CAN I MEET THEM, THEN?

I THINK HE'S HUNGRY.

NAH, I JUST FED HIM. WHAT DOES A THING LIKE THAT EAT, ANYWAY?

PUPPIES.

(gasps)

PUPPIES!

HOW'S YOUR CAMEL?

NOT SO GOOD.

HE GOT INTO THE CHOCOLATE FOUNTAIN.

I WOULDN'T GO INTO THE GARAGE IF I WERE YOU.

(Kyle) ALL RISE!

(both sigh)

HAVE YOU REACHED YOUR DECISION?

YEAH. WE'VE DECIDED TRIBUNALS ARE STUPID.

NO, NO, TRIBUNALS ARE GREAT. THEY WORK.

NO, ALL WE DO IS ARGUE.

I'VE BECOME DISENCHANTED BY THE WHOLE PROCESS.

UM, EXCUSE US. ANDY, SIDECAR.

ALL RIGHT, WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO HERE?

I DON'T KNOW. I FEEL TERRIBLE. I KNOW. WE JUST TAUGHT 'EM

A SYSTEM OF HOW TO SOLVE THEIR OWN PROBLEMS. I KNOW, I KNOW.

BUT YOU HAD TO RUIN IT WITH YOUR BRIBES. ME?!

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, MAYBE I PLAYED A SMALL PART IN IT.

THERE'S GOT TO BE SOME WAY TO MAKE THIS RIGHT.

I KNOW. WE'VE GOT TO TEACH THEM THAT JUSTICE WORKS.

CLEARLY, THERE'S ONLY ONE SOLUTION. AGREED.

WE SHOULD SHARE THE MILKSHAKES. WHAT?

IT'S A FAIR COMPROMISE. WHAT KIND OF COMPROMISE IS THAT?

I'M NOT GONNA GET WHAT I WANT. WHAT DO YOU WANT?

I WANT ALL THE MILKSHAKES!

HEY, HEY, HEY! HEY, HEY, ALL RIGHT, HOLD IT!

ENOUGH! IF YOU TWO CAN'T SETTLE THIS LIKE GROWN-UPS,

YOU'RE GONNA SETTLE IT LIKE KIDS. WELL, ALL RESPECT,

ISN'T THAT KIND OF WHAT WE'RE DOING NOW?

WHOEVER DRINKS THE MILKSHAKES THE FASTEST

WINS THE MILKSHAKES FOR A MONTH.

THE PRIZE WILL GO TO WHOEVER WANTS IT THE MOST.

ONE CONDITION...

THE LOSER CLEANS THE GARAGE.

I THINK THIS IS THE APPROPRIATE TIME TO TELL YOU

THAT I WAS MILKSHAKE DRINKING CHAMPION

AT CAMP MURPHENSCHWABBA THREE YEARS RUNNING.

YEAH, I'VE SEEN PICTURES OF YOU AT THAT CAMP.

YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING RUNNING.

ON YOUR MARK, GET SET...

SUCK!

(both grunt)

AHH! (both) BRAIN FREEZE!

(groaning)

♪♪♪

(groans)

(groans)

UGH. FINISHED.

I'M FINISHED!

WE HAVE A WINNER!

(groans) I WON!

I WON.

I... WANNA LAY DOWN.

HERE'S YOUR COUPON BOOK, DADDY.

THERE ARE 75 MILKSHAKES LEFT.

(gags) UGH. I NEVER WANT TO SEE ANOTHER MILKSHAKE AGAIN.

WELL, I GUESS THAT MEANS YOU GET THE MILKSHAKES, UNCLE ANDY.

(gags) KEEP IT.

AND DON'T EVER SAY THE WORD "MILKSHAKE"

AROUND ME EVER AGAIN. MILKSHAKE.

(gags) MILKSHAKE.

MILKSHAKE. (gags)

MILKSHAKE. (screams)

(all laugh)

WANNA TAKE OUR NEW BIKES OUT FOR SOME FREE MILKSHAKES?

I'LL CALL AHEAD ON MY NEW CELL PHONE.

DON'T WAIT UP. WE'LL BE HOME BY 4:00.

(speaking indistinctly)

(groans)

(clears throat)

MILKSHAKE LOOKS THE SAME GOING OUT

AS IT DOES COMING IN.

AT LEAST YOU MADE IT TO THE BATHROOM.

OH, MAN, JIM, WE WENT THROUGH ALL THIS,

AND NEITHER OF US GOT THE MILKSHAKES.

WELL, AT LEAST THE KIDS LEARNED HOW GROWN-UPS DO THINGS.

(doorbell rings)

WHY DO WE DO THIS TO EACH OTHER, JIM?

WHY DO WE GET SO COMPETITIVE?

I DON'T KNOW, ANDY. I JUST THINK WE'RE NOT GOOD PEOPLE.

GOOD POINT.

HEY!

OH, MY GOD! ZACK AND CODY!

HEY, JIM, IT'S GREAT TO SEE YA.

YEAH, NICE SEEING YOU.

LOOKING GOOD. IS THAT THE SHIRT I GOT YA?

YES, YES. I WEAR IT ALL THE TIME.

I LOVE IT. MY FAVORITE. THANKS. AHEM!

OH, UH, THIS IS MY BROTHER-IN-LAW ANDY. 'SUP, DUDES.

IS THIS THE GUY, JIM?

IS THIS THE GUY THAT STOLE ALL YOUR MILKSHAKES? YEAH.

UNCOOL, BRO. YOU'RE RIGHT, JIM. THIS GUY IS LAME-O FLAME-O.

YEAH. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

WE WORKED OUT THAT MILKSHAKE THING.

IT'S ALL SETTLED. SO THANKS FOR COVERING MY BACK.

OH, NO PROBLEM. SO DO WE STILL GET THE CAMEL RIDE?

YOU KNOW WHAT?

IF YOU CLEAN UP AFTER HIM, YOU CAN RIDE HIM ALL NIGHT.

SWEET.

WAIT UP, FELLAS! ALL THREE OF US CAN FIT ON THAT CAMEL!