Original subtitles

YES.

NOW THIS IS A SANDWICH, MY FRIEND. (chuckles)

MOM DOESN'T WANT HAM AND CHEESE ANYMORE.

NOW SHE WANTS SALAMI.

SALAMI IT IS.

YOU KNOW, ANDY,

WHEN YOUR WIFE'S ABOUT TO HAVE TWINS,

IT'S LIKE YOU'RE A SHORT-ORDER COOK 24/7.

FORGET THE SALAMI. NOW SHE WANTS TURKEY.

TURKEY IT IS.

YOU KNOW, ANDY, YOU CAN HELP ME HERE A LITTLE BIT.

OH, YEAH, SURE.

THAT TURKEY IS POISON-FREE. CARRY ON.

NOW MOM WANTS BOLOGNA,

OR SHE SAYS SHE'S GONNA GO APE CRAP.

BOLOGNA IT IS.

PREGO WANTS BOLOGNA, PREGO GETS BOLOGNA.

(cell phone beeps)

UH-OH. TEXT MESSAGE FROM CHERYL.

"NO SANDWICH. JUST APPLE. APPROACHING APE CRAP."

FINE.

YOU KNOW WHAT? THIS MAY LOOK LIKE A PAIN,

BUT IN THE END, IT'LL ALL BE WORTH IT,

'CAUSE I'LL HAVE TWO SCREAMING KIDS

PUKING ON ME AT 4:00 IN THE MORNING.

YES! GOOD JOB, TROOPS. LUNCHTIME. (laughs)

YOU KNOW, WE COULD HAVE MADE OUR OWN SANDWICHES.

IT'S BETTER WHEN WE TRICK HIM. SHUT IT.

♪♪♪

HEY, HOW'S YOUR MOTHER?

REALLY HUNGRY. SHE ALMOST BIT ME.

GOOD. GOOD. GOOD. GOOD. THAT'S GOOD.

AND THEN SHE SET HER HAIR ON FIRE.

AH, THAT'S GREAT, HONEY. THAT'S GREAT.

YOU'RE NOT LISTENING TO ME.

YEAH, NO, YOU CAN HAVE FRIENDS OVER, JUST NO BOYS.

HOW MANY DAYS ARE THERE IN APRIL?

30.

ISN'T THIS A LEAP YEAR?

DOESN'T MATTER.

ALL RIGHT. THEN IT'S OFFICIAL...

YOUR UNCLE ANDY IS A COMPLETE FATHEADED JERK.

YOU NEED A CALENDAR TO KEEP TRACK OF THAT?

DO YOU REMEMBER UNCLE ANDY'S BIRTHDAY LAST YEAR?

YEAH, MOM WAS IN FLORIDA. YOU MADE ME BAKE A CAKE.

YES. THE CAKE...

THE FIRST DISAPPOINTMENT OF THAT EVENING.

(Jim) YAY.

(cheering)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY. HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

(laughs) THANK YOU.

NOW WHO WANTS A PIECE...

OF THIS TRAIN WRECK?

I'M ONLY 12. MAKE YOUR OWN CAKE.

WELL, ANDY. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YA.

OH. (laughs)

(gasps) HOLY CRAP.

A GIFT CERTIFICATE TO SIR STEVEN B's STEAKHOUSE.

YEAH, YEAH, IT'S... IT'S, UH, WORTH 200 BUCKS,

SO YOU JUST HAVE TO PICK A FRIEND...

WHO LIKES STEAK...

AND GO WILD.

WOW. HMM. LET'S SEE.

(gasps) YOU'RE A FRIEND, AND YOU LIKE STEAK.

(clicks tongue) DO I?

I REMEMBER I DO!

(laughs) AW, MAN, JIM. (laughs)

OH, THE BEST GIFT EVER FROM THE BEST FRIEND EVER.

AW. AW, WHEN CAN WE GO?

OH, WE CAN GO WHENEVER WE WANT,

BUT REMEMBER, THIS EXPIRES IN SIX MONTHS,

SO DON'T FORGET IT.

I COULD NEVER FORGET SOMETHING THIS GENEROUS,

NOT IN A MILLION YEARS.

THAT WAS 5 MONTHS AND 29 DAYS AGO.

IT EXPIRES TOMORROW!

AND HE STILL HASN'T USED IT!

MAYBE HE TOOK A DATE.

(both laughing)

NO. NO. ABSOLUTELY NOT.

I HAVE BEEN KEEPING TRACK OF EVERY ONE OF ANDY'S MEALS

FOR THE PAST SIX MONTHS,

AND I KNOW FOR A FACT HE HASN'T USED THAT CARD,

AND HE'S ON A 56-DAY NO SALAD STREAK.

I CAN'T BELIEVE I JUST WASTED $200 ON THAT JERK.

WELL, LUCKILY, IT'S THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS.

IT'S THE WHAT THAT WHATS?

YOUR GENEROSITY. YOUR HEART.

YOU GIVE SOMEONE A GIFT BECAUSE IT MAKES THEM FEEL GOOD.

NO. YOU GIVE SOMEONE A GIFT, HONEY, TO GET A CREDIT.

THAT WAY THEY GOTTA GET YOU A GIFT

EVEN BETTER THAN THE ONE YOU GAVE 'EM,

AND THEN YOU'RE AHEAD

AS LONG AS YOU DIE FIRST.

BUT WHEN I GIVE SOMEONE A GIFT, I HAVE NO EXPECTATIONS.

BABY, YOU GAVE ME A PICTURE FRAME

MADE OUT OF POPSICLE STICKS.

WHAT EXPECTATIONS COULD YOU POSSIBLY HAVE?

WELL, I THINK YOU SHOULD GIVE UNCLE ANDY

THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT.

I WOULD,

BUT HE PROBABLY WOULDN'T USE IT FOR SIX MONTHS.

(door opens) (Andy) HEY, EVERYBODY.

MAYBE THAT'S HIM COMING TO ASK YOU

TO HAVE A STEAK DINNER WITH HIM.

YOU KNOW WHAT, RUBY? MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT.

MAYBE TONIGHT IS STEAK NIGHT.

HEY, NEW TACO PLACE ON 5th STREET!

AW.

(laughs)

TE AMO, TACO. TE AMO. MMM.

DO YOU HAVE ANY PLANS FOR DINNER TOMORROW NIGHT, UNCLE ANDY?

(mouth full) MM, NO.

THURSDAYS I TEACH WATER AEROBICS AT THE SENIOR CENTER.

(normal voice) I'VE BEEN TRYING TO GET

SOME ALONE TIME WITH ROSE, BUT HER HUSBAND JUST SITS THERE

GLARING AT ME FROM BEHIND HIS OXYGEN MASK,

AS IF HE'S SOME BIG SHOT...

(deep voice) "OOH, I'M AN EX-COP."

(normal voice) OW. MM. IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,

I BELIEVE THE ALAMO IS ABOUT TO FALL TO THE MEXICANS.

RUBY, THAT'S MY BEST FRIEND.

HE FORGOT THE MOST GENEROUS GIFT I HAVE EVER GIVEN.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST REMIND HIM

THAT HE HAS THE GIFT CERTIFICATE? IT'S THE PRINCIPLE OF THE THING.

WHAT PRINCIPLE?

(scoffs) COME ON, HONEY. WISE UP!

POINTLESS MALE PRIDE!

RUN! COME ON, CATCH UP. COME ON, GET HIM!

THANK GOD, A BOY TO TALK TO.

COME ON. COME ON. COME ON. I'M GONNA GET YOU.

KYLE... THE TV's NOT ON.

I KNOW. I'M JUST PRETENDING.

DANG, I LOST AGAIN.

KYLE... (sighs) YOU KNOW WHAT?

I NEED YOUR OPINION ON SOMETHING.

LET'S SAY THAT YOU GAVE GRACIE A REALLY NICE GIFT,

LIKE A PUPPY.

WE'RE GETTING A PUPPY?

NO. NO. LET'S JUST SAY YOU GAVE HER A GIFT,

AND SHE PUT THIS PUPPY IN HER DRAWER.

IF YOU DON'T GET THAT PUPPY OUT OF THE DRAWER BY TOMORROW,

THAT PUPPY'S GONNA DIE.

IF HE DIES, CAN WE GET A KITTY?

FOCUS!

IF I DON'T GET THAT PUPPY OUT OF THAT DRAWER,

IT'S GONNA DIE.

WHAT SHOULD DADDY DO?

YOU GOTTA SAVE IT. I LOVE THAT PUPPY.

I KNOW YOU DO.

I LOVE THAT PUPPY, TOO.

I'M GONNA GO SAVE THE PUPPY!

YAY!

CHERYL, I'M GOING TO DINNER. WATCH THE KIDS!

GRACIE! GIVE ME BACK MY PUPPY!

SIR? YES.

I CHECKED WITH OUR MANAGER. SINCE YOU HAVE YOUR RECEIPT,

WE'LL BE HAPPY TO ACCEPT YOUR GIFT CERTIFICATE.

OH, THAT'S GREAT,

BECAUSE I LICKED ALL THE SILVERWARE ALREADY.

CAN I START YOU OFF WITH A DRINK?

OH, I DRANK BEFORE I CAME.

AHH, LET'S SEE.

I WANT $200 WORTH OF MEAT...

ALL KINDS OF MEAT.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR OUR SPECIALS?

DO YOU HAVE A $200 MEAT SAMPLER?

NO.

OKAY THEN. I'LL HAVE THE RIB EYE STEAK,

THE PORTERHOUSE STEAK, SOME CRAB LEGS...

OH, AND BY THE WAY,

UH, GIVE ME A HEADS-UP WHEN I HIT 185 BUCKS.

I'M ALMOST AFRAID TO TELL YOU THIS,

BUT ALL THOSE ENTRéES COME WITH SALADS.

MEAT SALADS?

(groans)

ARE YOU OKAY, SIR?

FANTASTIC.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE A DESSERT MENU?

YES.

BUT YOU'LL HAVE TO HOLD IT FOR ME,

BECAUSE I CAN'T LIFT MY ARMS.

(gasps)

(high-pitched voice) OH, MY GOD.

(normal voice) BRING 'EM ALL.

KYLE, STOP FOLLOWING ME.

I DON'T HAVE A STUPID PUPPY!

I HEAR HIM BARKING.

YOU'RE A LIAR!

OH, BOY. IT'S GOOD TO BE HOME.

HOW WAS YOUR DINNER?

YOU ENJOY YOUR REHEATED MAC 'N CHEESE?

I HAD THREE STEAKS AND A RACK OF LAMB.

YOU USED UNCLE ANDY'S GIFT CERTIFICATE, DIDN'T YOU?

DAMN RIGHT, I DID.

$198.50...

RIGHT THERE.

BUT I THOUGHT IT WAS FOR...

HEY, I'M NO MONSTER. I LEFT A TIP.

DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT.

HE WAS NEVER GONNA USE THAT CERTIFICATE,

AND YOU KNOW IT, NEVER!

OH, JIM, I AM SUCH A DUMMY.

AGREED. CONTINUE.

YOU REMEMBER THAT GIFT CERTIFICATE

YOU GAVE ME FOR MY BIRTHDAY?

VAGUELY.

WELL, HERE'S THE THING... I COMPLETELY FORGOT ABOUT IT.

I KNOW. I'M THE BIGGEST JERK EVER.

OR IN THE RUNNING.

IT MUST HAVE FALLEN OUT OF MY WALLET,

'CAUSE I FOUND IT IN BETWEEN A COUPLE OF COUCH CUSHIONS,

BUT THE GOOD NEWS IS,

IT DOESN'T EXPIRE UNTIL TOMORROW.

THAT IS GOOD NEWS!

SO ME AND MY BEST BUDDY CAN GO EAT OURSELVES SICK ON STEAK.

THAT SOUNDS GREAT.

BUT... BUT... BUT, OH, YOU GOT THAT AEROBICS CLASS TOMORROW.

YOU DON'T WANT TO DISAPPOINT THOSE OLD PEOPLE.

PLEASE.

I SHOW UP ON FRIDAY, TELL 'EM IT'S THURSDAY,

THEY DON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.

SO WHAT DO YOU SAY?

YEAH, DADDY. WHAT DO YOU SAY?

I SAY LET'S DO IT!

I CAN'T REMEMBER THE LAST TIME I HAD A GOOD STEAK.

DADDY, I FOUND OUR PUPPY.

GRACIE HAD HIM TIED UP IN THE NEIGHBOR'S YARD.

♪ DOO, DOO, DOO ♪

♪ CHEW, CHEW, CHEW ♪

♪ STEAK, STEAK, STEAK ♪

HOW DO I LOOK?

LIKE A REALLY BAD FRIEND AND A HORRIBLE ROLE MODEL.

NO, I DON'T CARE ABOUT THAT.

THE SHIRT, THE PANTS... DO THEY MATCH? IT'S FINE.

OH, THANK YOU, SWEETHEART.

YOU ALREADY USED UP UNCLE ANDY'S GIFT CERTIFICATE.

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?

I'M GONNA MAKE IT VERY SIMPLE FOR YOU, HONEY.

I'M GONNA ENJOY A FANTASTIC, EXPENSIVE STEAK,

AND THEN WHEN THE CHECK COMES, I'M GONNA GO TO THE BATHROOM,

DITCH OUT AND LEAVE THE CHECK FOR ANDY.

DADDY, THAT'S TERRIBLE!

OH, RUBY, MY SWEET RUBY. SIT DOWN, HONEY.

LET ME BREAK THIS DOWN FOR YOU.

I CAN EITHER GET IN TROUBLE WITH UNCLE ANDY

AND NOT HAVE STEAK,

OR GET IN TROUBLE WITH UNCLE ANDY

AND HAVE STEAK!

HAVE A GOOD NIGHT.

YOU KNOW...

YOU COULD SECRETLY GIVE THE WAITER $200,

AND LET UNCLE ANDY THINK THAT NOTHING HAPPENED.

WHY WOULD I DO THAT?

I ALREADY SPENT 200 BUCKS ON HIM.

NO, YOU SPENT $200 ON YOU.

I MIGHT NOT BE A GROWN-UP,

BUT I THINK THAT'S THE RIGHT THING TO DO.

"THE RIGHT THING TO DO"?

WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?

YOU KNOW, YOUR MOTHER CAN SIT THERE

AND FOLD HER LEGS AND FOLD HER ARMS

AND GIVE ME THAT LOOK

AND TRY TO GUILT ME INTO DOING THE RIGHT THING,

BUT DON'T THINK YOU CAN.

(gritted teeth) DAMN IT.

FINE. I'LL DO THE RIGHT THING.

BUT IT'S THE LAST TIME!

(jazzy piano music playing)

UHH. UHH.

I TELL YA WHAT, JIM,

IF I DIE TONIGHT, I'LL DIE A HAPPY MAN.

I HEAR YA, ANDY.

NO, I'M SERIOUS. I MAY DIE TONIGHT.

CAN YOU BELIEVE I FORGOT THIS GIFT CERTIFICATE?

OHH.

IT'S ALMOST LIKE I DON'T DESERVE THIS DINNER.

ALMOST.

YOU MUST'VE BEEN STEWING ABOUT IT FOR MONTHS.

(sighs) WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT, ANDY?

WHEN I GAVE YOU THIS GIFT CERTIFICATE,

THE LOOK ON YOUR FACE WAS WORTH THE $200,

AND NOW HAVING THIS MEAL TONIGHT,

IT'S LIKE IT'S ANOTHER $200.

(laughs) OH.

(gasps) WHOA, HEY.

HEY. WHOA, WAIT.

WHAT ARE YOU, MY CARDIOLOGIST?

I WAS GONNA EAT THAT FAT!

HEY, BUDDY. BUDDY, COME HERE.

WELL, WE'RE ALMOST OUT OF STEAK,

BUT I KNOW THE SOUS-CHEF KEEPS A HORSE AT HIS HOUSE.

YEAH. NO, NO, NO. IT'S NOT THAT.

UM, LISTEN, UH,

THIS GUY I'M WITH IS GONNA TRY TO USE

THAT GIFT CERTIFICATE THAT I USED LAST NIGHT,

SO WHEN HE PRESENTS IT, UH, JUST GO WITH IT, ALL RIGHT?

AND ON MY WAY OUT, I'LL FLIP YA 200 BUCKS.

ONE OTHER THING.

HOW WOULD YOU BE SERVING THAT HORSE TONIGHT?

WOW, WHAT A NIGHT.

(laughs)

THANK YOU.

JIM, THIS IS PROBABLY THE MOST GENEROUS GIFT EVER.

OH, COME ON, MAN. IT WAS NO BIG DEAL.

OH, SURE IT WAS. YOU'RE THE CHEAPEST GUY I KNOW.

ANDY, I AM NOT CHEAP.

I'M THRIFTY. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.

(laughs) YEAH. YEAH, CHEAP COSTS LESS.

THAT'S WHY YOU'RE CHEAP. I'M THE GENEROUS ONE.

I'M NOT GONNA ARGUE WITH YOU TONIGHT, ALL RIGHT?

BUT TRUST ME, I'M BEING TWICE AS GENEROUS AS YOU THINK.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

WHAT, YOU REMEMBER YOUR LAST BIRTHDAY?

I GOT YOU THAT SATELLITE RADIO,

'CAUSE NOTHING'S TOO GOOD FOR MY BEST BUDDY, MR. CHEAP.

(inhales deeply)

WELL, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,

MR. CHEAP HAS TO GO TO THE BATHROOM.

I UNDERSTAND IT'S FREE.

I MAY GO TWICE.

(laughs) OH.

HEY, PUT A ROLL OF TOILET PAPER IN YOUR POCKET,

'CAUSE IT'S... (high-pitched voice) FREE!

(laughs)

(laughs) YOU KNOW, ANDY, WHILE I'M AWAY,

WHY DON'T YOU ORDER DESSERT?

ORDER WHATEVER YOU WANT. IT'S ON ME.

EVEN IF IT GOES OVER

THE GENEROUS $200 I'VE ALREADY SPENT.

I LOVE THIS BIG, CHEAP GUY!

YOU KNOW THE, UH, PLAN I GAVE YOU BEFORE?

FORGET IT.

STICK THE BILL TO MR. GENEROUS OVER HERE.

I AM THE LUCKIEST BOY IN THE WORLD.

(blues music playing)

(laughing)

(man) THAT WAS "CADILLAC MAN," BY THE SACRED HEARTS.

COMING UP NEXT, FOUR HOURS OF UNINTERRUPTED BLUES

ON THE SATELLITE RADIO NETWORK.

(laughs)

OHH, OH, I'M SO STUFFED.

I FEEL TERRIBLE.

SERVES YOU RIGHT FOR RIPPING OFF UNCLE ANDY

AND DITCHING HIM AT DINNER.

HE CALLED ME CHEAP!

YOU ARE CHEAP. WHY, LISTEN, MISSY...

OH, TOO FAST. TOO FAST.

WHAT THE HELL?

YOU USED MY GIFT CARD AND THEN YOU DITCHED ME?

YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT I DID! WHOA, TOO FAST. OH, GOD.

I HAD TO SHELL OUT 250 BUCKS, WALK HOME,

I ALMOST GOT HIT BY A CAR... (groans)

AND I DROPPED MY OTHER SWANS.

HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO ME?

HOW COULD I DO THAT TO YOU? HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?

WHAT DID I DO TO YOU? YOU SPIT IN THE FACE OF MY GIFT CARD.

SO YOU USED IT WITHOUT ME?

I RESCUED IT, LIKE A PUPPY FROM THE DRAWER,

AND THEN I TRIED TO DO THE RIGHT THING,

AND YOU CALLED ME CHEAP! I AM NOT CHEAP!

OH, I'M SORRY.

THE ALTRUISTIC PHILANTHROPIST SKIPPED OUT ON THE CHECK.

YOU...

RUBY?

UNSELFISH DO-GOODER.

(gasps)

HOW DARE YOU?

AFTER I SPENT $200 ON THAT CERTIFICATE FOR YOU

BECAUSE IT WAS YOUR BIRTHDAY.

I WANTED TO SHOW YOU HOW MUCH YOU MEAN TO ME.

ACTUALLY, DAD...

HOW'S UNCLE ANDY'S BIRTHDAY CAKE COMING?

REALLY GOOD.

WE'RE OUT OF BAKING SODA, SO I USED DIET SODA.

GOOD THINKING.

WHAT DID YOU GET UNCLE ANDY?

OH, I GOT HIM WHAT I CALL "THE BIRTHDAY COMBO PACKAGE"...

FLASHLIGHT,

A 10-POUND CAN OF CHOCOLATE PUDDING,

JUMPER CABLES...

DAD, HE'S YOUR BEST FRIEND.

YOU HAVE TO GET HIM SOMETHING MORE THAN THAT.

I DID. PICKLES.

HE'S FAMILY, DAD, AND THAT JAR IS HALF EMPTY.

CORRECTION...

HALF FULL.

FINE. I'LL GET HIM SOMETHING GOOD.

YOU HAD TO BE TALKED INTO THIS PRESENT YOU STOLE FROM ME

AFTER I SO GENEROUSLY GAVE YOU THAT SATELLITE RADIO?

IT CRACKLES WHEN I DRIVE UNDER BRIDGES.

IT'S A GOOD GIFT, JIM,

AND IT CAME FROM MY HEART BECAUSE I'M THE GENEROUS ONE.

NOT SO FAST...

IS THAT DADDY'S BIRTHDAY PRESENT? SURE IS.

WHAT DID YOU GET HIM? OH, HE IS GONNA LOVE IT.

I GOT HIM A MOOSE THAT POOPS CANDY,

A NAKED LADY PEN

AND JUMPER CABLES.

FINE. I'LL GET HIM SOMETHING GOOD.

I THINK I KNOW WHAT THE PROBLEM IS HERE.

I THINK I DO, TOO.

OHH. OHH.

IT'S YOUR FAULT.

ME? WHAT DID I DO?

YOU FORCED US TO BE GENEROUS.

WE WOULD HAVE BEEN PERFECTLY HAPPY

WITH THE GIFTS THAT WE PLANNED FOR EACH OTHER,

BUT YOU HAD TO STICK YOUR LITTLE NOSE IN IT.

ANDY, DO YOU STILL HAVE THAT CANDY-POOPING MOOSE?

IF YOU STILL HAVE THAT PUDDING.

COME ON OVER HERE AND GIVE ME A BIG HUG.

I JUST CAN'T MOVE, JIM. SOMETHING'S GONNA POP.

WELL, THEN LET'S JUST HOLD HANDS.

AHH.

OHH. OHH.

OH, OH, I TASTED A LITTLE BIT OF THAT. YEAH.

AHH.

YOU TWO ARE CRAZY.

DO SOMETHING ABOUT HER, JIM.

SHE'S RUINING OUR MOMENT.

WHAT CAN I SAY, RUBY?

YOU'RE GROWING UP, BUT YOU'RE NOT YOUR MOTHER YET,

SO I FORBID YOU TO ACT LIKE HER

UNTIL YOU HAVE YOUR OWN GROWN-UP MAN TO MANIPULATE.

YEAH. RUIN HIS LIFE. STAY THE "H" OUT OF OURS.

HOLD ON A SECOND.

YOU GOTTA MAKE THIS RIGHT.

ANDY, ARE YOU FREE TOMORROW NIGHT?

IS EVERYTHING OKAY OVER HERE?

KEEP IT COMIN' TILL ALL THIS MONEY'S GONE.

HEY, WHAT DO WE DO IF SHE CAN'T COVER THIS?

SNEAK OUT THE BATHROOM. (laughing)

(laughing)

YOU WANT A PIECE, HONEY? CAN'T HAVE IT.

(growls)