Original subtitles

OH, CHERYL...

OH!

I LOVE SKIPPING DINNER AND GOING RIGHT TO DESSERT.

SARAH'S PASTRIES AND CHOCOLATE FROM OAK STREET.

"SHE'S NOT JUST A BAKER. SHE'S A FRIEND."

OH, COME ON, HONEY. GIVE ME MY SURPRISE.

SAY YOU LOVE ME. (sighs) I LOVE YOU.

SAY IT LIKE YOU MEAN IT. I LOVE YOU.

SAY IT SEXY. (whispers) I LOVE YOU.

SAY IT LIKE SCOOBY. RAH-RUV-ROO.

SAY IT SEXY SCOOBY. GIVE ME MY DESSERT!

ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.

WHOO-HOO-HOO. FEISTY GIRL. WELL, FOR MY YOUNG BRIDE,

I GOT YOU YOUR FAVORITE... CARROT CAKE.

(gasps) HONEY, THAT IS SO SWEET.

I LOVE THAT YOU GOT ME

EXACTLY WHAT I WOULD HAVE PICKED FOR MYSELF.

I GOT CHERRY PIE. YOU KNOW WHAT?

NOT THE PRETTIEST GAL AT THE DANCE,

BUT SHE KNOWS HOW TO PLEASE HER MAN.

OH. (sighs)

"OH"? I KNOW THAT "OH."

SOMETHING WRONG?

NO, IT'S JUST...

I DON'T LIKE CHERRY PIE.

I KNOW. THAT'S WHY I GOT YOU CARROT CAKE.

WELL, YEAH, BUT I-I-I THOUGHT

THE WHOLE POINT OF DESSERT ON A ROMANTIC NIGHT

WAS... SHARING.

YOU KNOW WHAT? I KNOW YOU SO WELL,

I THOUGHT YOU'D THINK THAT.

SO YOU GOT CHERRY PIE,

EVEN THOUGH YOU KNOW I DON'T LIKE IT?

YEAH, THAT WAY, I CAN HAVE THE WHOLE PIECE.

BUT I'M WILLING TO SHARE MY CARROT CAKE WITH YOU.

WELL, THANK YOU. DON'T MIND IF I DO.

MMM, CHERYL, LOOK.

FROSTING CARROT,

MY FAVORITE VEGETABLE.

LOOK, I'M BUGS BUNNY.

(makes gobbling sounds)

I JUST...

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'D BE THAT SELFISH.

CHERYL, I'M NOT BEING SELFISH.

WE ARE SHARING DESSERT.

HERE, HAVE AS MUCH OF MY CHERRY PIE AS YOU'D LIKE.

(cackles)

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I THINK I WOULD LIKE A BITE OF PIE.

FINE.

HELP YOURSELF.

MMM.

(chuckles)

CHERYL, WHY WOULD YOU WASTE PIE?!

OH, HONEY, I DIDN'T WASTE IT.

THAT WAS THE MOST SATISFYING BITE

OF CHERRY PIE I'VE EVER HAD.

(cackles)

WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT?

SINCE WE'RE SHARING, I THINK I'D LIKE

TO HAVE ANOTHER PIECE OF CARROT CAKE.

I THINK I'D LIKE ANOTHER BITE OF PIE.

(cackles) THAT WENT DOWN EASY.

MAMA WANTS TO PLAY!

(gasps)

3 POINTS! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU!

WHAT DO YOU MEAN? YOU DID IT FIRST. YOU ALWAYS DO THIS!

ALWAYS DO WHAT?! THINK ABOUT YOURSELF!

OH, COME ON, CHERYL. I ALWAYS THINK ABOUT MYSELF.

WHEN I PAY THE MORTGAGE, I ALWAYS THINK ABOUT MYSELF.

BECAUSE I GAVE YOU THREE CHILDREN,

I'M THINKING ABOUT MYSELF.

OH, MYSELF, MORNING, NOON AND NIGHT!

(stammers) WAIT! JERK!

NUTCASE! AAH!

CREEP! OH, WOMAN!

ALL RIGHT!

THAT'S IT!

DATE NIGHT IS OVER!

OH! GREAT!

BOOHOO.

DATE NIGHT IS OVER.

YOU WIN...

UNLESS, OF COURSE WE HAD SEX BEFORE DINNER.

(cackles)

OH!

♪♪♪

HEY, HEY, HEY, HOW DID IT GO AT UNCLE ANDY'S?

YOU CAME UP WITH A GREAT PLAN, DADDY. YEAH.

WE MADE HIM PAY.

HA HA HA. GREAT.

YOU KNOW WHAT? HE DESERVES IT.

REALLY? HOW COME?

"HOW COME?"

WE... WE HAD A CHINESE MEAL THE OTHER NIGHT, RIGHT?

AND HE TOOK BOTH OF THE FORTUNE COOKIES.

WHAT KIND OF GUY DOES THAT?

I WOULD PREFER NOT TO BE

IN THE SAME ROOM AS THESE ANIMALS.

COME ON, ANDY. WHAT'S GOING ON?

WHAT'S WITH THE SUNGLASSES?

WELL, YOU KNOW, ANDY, UH, IT'S NOT BAD.

YOU KNOW, GLASSES MAKE YOU LOOK MORE INTELLIGENT.

OH, YEAH?

HOW DOES THIS MAKE ME LOOK?

FIRST OF ALL,

WHAT WERE YOU DOING WITHOUT YOUR SHIRT ON?

I DON'T KNOW, JIM. THE WHOLE NIGHT'S A BLUR.

I-I THINK THEY DRUGGED ME. COME ON. LET ME GET YOU SOME COFFEE,

MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER.

I WOKE UP IN THE YARD, AND IT WASN'T MY YARD.

WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT. WOW.

THEY REALLY GOT YOU GOOD, TOO. THEY DYED YOUR HAIR, HUH?

OH, NO, THAT'S SOMETHING I DID. DO YOU LIKE IT? COME ON. GET SOME COFFEE.

WHOA. WHAT THE HELL WENT ON HERE?

IS THAT PIE?

CHERYL AND I HAD A FIGHT.

PIE WAS THROWN.

THAT'S TERRIBLE.

LEAST I CAN DO IS HELP YOU CLEAN UP.

AW, THANKS, MAN. THE MOP IS RIGHT BY THE WASHING MACHINE.

NO NEED.

OOH, GOLD MINE.

ANDY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

MMM.

SO YOU GUYS REALLY HAD IT OUT, HUH?

I WISH WE HAD IT OUT.

WE THREW PIE AND THEN WE WENT TO BED.

AND SHE'S HAD ALL NIGHT TO STEW ABOUT IT?

WHEW! SOMEBODY'S GONNA BE TALKING TODAY.

IT'S GONNA BE WORSE.

WE'RE GONNA HAVE DISCUSSIONS.

WE'RE GONNA EXPLORE OUR FEELINGS.

UGH.

AND WE MAY EVEN HAVE A CONVERSATION.

I HATE THOSE.

UGH, THAT'S WHY I'M NOT MARRIED.

THAT PLUS NO GIRL MEASURES UP TO MOM.

YOU KNOW WHAT'S EVEN WORSE?

AW, THAT THIS IS CHERRY?

NO. I'M NOT EVEN MAD.

THAT'S NOT GONNA STOP HER.

SHE'S GONNA TALK AND TALK AND TALK

AND TALK AND... HOW MANY WAS THAT?

FOUR.

AND TALK.

(Cheryl) JIM?

YES?

CAN WE TALK?

CRAP!

(laughing)

HEY!

GET YOUR OWN MOP.

OH.

HEY.

HEY.

(clears throat)

SLEEP WELL?

YEAH. YEAH.

KYLE'S RACECAR BED IS PRETTY COMFORTABLE

ONCE YOU TILT THE WHEEL.

HOW ABOUT YOU?

YOU KNOW, NOT BAD.

I MEAN, YOU KNOW, I HAD THE WHOLE BED TO MYSELF.

KINDA MISSED THE SMELL OF YOUR HAIR,

SO I TOOK YOUR SHAMPOO AND PUT IT ALL OVER YOUR PILLOW.

DID WE REALLY THROW CAKE AND PIE AT EACH OTHER?

WELL, I'D LIKE TO SAY NO,

BUT THE WALLS TELL A DIFFERENT STORY.

(sighs)

YOU KNOW, IT IS SO WEIRD.

I CANNOT REMEMBER WHAT I WAS UPSET ABOUT.

I MEAN, IT'S... IT'S SO SILLY.

SO YOU'RE NOT MAD?

NO.

WELL, I'M NOT MAD, EITHER.

WHY IS THAT?

I DON'T KNOW, BUT I LIKE IT.

I LIKE IT A LOT.

MAYBE WE'RE ON TO SOMETHIN'.

HEY, YOU KNOW, MAYBE...

MAYBE WE JUST JUMPED A NOTCH ON THE EVOLUTIONARY SCALE.

OH.

WE DON'T HAVE TO TALK ABOUT OUR PROBLEMS. RIGHT.

WE JUST SOLVE THEM...

BY HUCKING PIE.

I GUESS THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED.

SO YOU'RE GOOD?

YEAH.

AW.

MMM.

HEY, WANNA GO UPSTAIRS?

YES.

BUT WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO WORK AROUND THE SHAMPOO...

AND MASCARA.

YOU KNOW WHAT? I-I THINK HERE IS GOOD. OH, YOU ARE THE COOLEST.

(Ruby) MOM, TELL KYLE TO STOP LOOKING AT ME! (Kyle) I'M NOT LOOKING AT YOU.

YES, YOU ARE. NO, I'M NOT.

ALL RIGHT, I'LL GO GET ANDY TO TAKE THE KIDS AWAY... YOU'RE LOOKING AT ME RIGHT NOW.

NO, I'M NOT. YES, YOU ARE.

AND I'LL MEET YOU UPSTAIRS IN FIVE MINUTES. OKAY.

MOM!

ANDY. ANDY.

ANDY, COME ON. GET UP. GET UP.

OH, WOW, I MUST HAVE BLACKED OUT AGAIN.

WHAT... WHAT DID THOSE KIDS DO TO ME?

ANDY. ANDY, ABOUT THE KIDS, UH...

YOU GOTTA TAKE THEM BACK TO YOUR HOUSE.

YOU GOT TO GET 'EM OUT OF HERE. WHAT? NO WAY! THEY'RE MONSTERS.

IS THERE A DART IN MY NECK?

ANDY.

ANDY. ANDY, LOOK AT ME. LOOK AT ME.

YOU GOTTA TAKE THESE KIDS OUTTA HERE.

CHERYL AND I WANT TO BE ALONE. NO, NO, I THOUGHT YOU AND CHERYL WERE FIGHTING.

I THOUGHT SO, TOO, BUT WE'RE NOT.

SHE'S NOT MAD ANYMORE. THAT WAS A QUICK CONVERSATION.

BETTER YET, THERE WAS NO CONVERSATION.

WE JUST MADE UP. SO... SO COME ON.

TAKE THE KIDS BECAUSE I WANNA MAKE LOVE ON YOUR SISTER.

LET'S GO.

HI, KIDS...

BYE, KIDS!

ALL RIGHT, YOU PUKES.

LET'S GET SOMETHIN' STRAIGHT RIGHT NOW.

I DON'T LIKE YOU, AND I KNOW YOU DON'T LIKE ME.

AGREED.

IF I WAKE UP FROM MY NAP AGAIN

WITH BURNT TOAST IN MY PANTS,

THERE WILL BE HELL TO PAY.

DADDY SAID THE TOAST WOULD BE FUNNY.

YOU MEAN WHEN WE TOLD DADDY WE DID IT,

HE THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY BECAUSE IT HAD ALREADY HAPPENED.

WITHOUT HIS INVOLVEMENT.

YEAH, WHAT SHE SAID.

OH... WELL...

I'M GLAD TO KNOW THAT YOUR DAD WASN'T INVOLVED.

NOW I DON'T HAVE TO SPEND THE REST OF MY DAYS

CRAFTING A DIABOLICAL SCHEME TO GET REVENGE

ON THAT FATHEADED JERK!

I THINK HE BOUGHT IT.

HEY, CHERYL, ARE YOU OKAY?

YEAH. WHY WOULDN'T I BE?

I JUST HEARD THAT YOU AND JIM HAD A GIGANTIC BLOWOUT.

OH. WAS THAT BEFORE OR AFTER YOU MADE A POOPIE?

HA HA!

HILARIOUS.

I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW

I'M ON YOUR SIDE.

ANDY, THERE'S NO ONE TO SIDE WITH.

JIM AND I AREN'T FIGHTING.

OH, REALLY? YEAH.

HOW'D YOU FIX IT?

UH, COMMUNICATE, EXPLORE YOUR EMOTIONS,

MAYBE DO SOME ROLE-PLAYING WITH THOSE REPRESENTATIONAL DOLLS?

NO, NO, ACTUALLY, IT'S, UM, IT'S KIND OF SILLY.

WE THREW DESSERT AT EACH OTHER.

IT WAS REALLY CATHARTIC.

HUH. I AGREE.

IT IS KIND OF PATHETIC.

NO, NO, I SAID "CATHARTIC."

MM, I'M PRETTY SURE YOU SAID "PATHETIC."

LOOK, LOOK. HEY. I'M NOT HERE TO CAUSE TROUBLE.

I'M SURE YOU GUYS FIGURED OUT WHAT THE FIGHT WAS ABOUT,

GOT TO THE ROOT OF THE PROBLEM,

HE MADE LOVE ON YOU. IT'S FINE.

LOOK, ANDY, JIM AND I TALKED

ABOUT NOT TALKING ABOUT IT,

AND WE'RE GOOD, SO LET IT GO.

"LET IT GO"?

NO PROBLEM. I'LL...

OKAY.

I'LL LET IT GO.

OKAY.

IF ONLY I KNEW WHAT "IT" WAS.

OH, WAIT. YOU DON'T KNOW, EITHER.

WELL, YOU HAVE MY NUMBER IF YOU NEED TO TALK.

OH, I FORGOT. YOU DON'T DO THAT ANYMORE.

(laughs quietly)

(humming)

♪ BOP, BOP ♪

WELL, HELLO, THE COOLEST CHICK IN THE WHOLE WORLD.

HEY.

WHAT'S WRONG?

I'VE BEEN THINKING...

OH, NO.

ABOUT OUR FIGHT.

UGH! CHERYL, COME ON! WE THREW PIE AT EACH OTHER.

IT IS OVER. DONE. FLAT. GONE.

NO, NO, HONEY, I REALLY THINK WE NEED

TO TALK ABOUT OUR FIGHT SO WE CAN LEARN FROM IT.

THIS IS WHERE YOU'RE WRONG.

COME ON. A GOOD MARRIAGE IS BASED ON INTIMACY,

AND THAT MEANS KNOWING WHAT'S GOING ON BETWEEN US.

CHERYL, YOU'RE MISSING THE BEAUTY OF THIS.

WE DON'T HAVE TO KNOW. WE'VE EARNED THE RIGHT

TO BE IGNORANT. LET'S SAVOR IT!

JIM, YOU THROWING PIE AT ME

IS NOT A SUBSTITUTE FOR COMMUNICATION.

YOU'RE RIGHT...

EXCEPT YOU THREW A PIE BACK AT ME,

WHICH MAKES IT... COMMUNICATION.

IT'S LIKE THE CHINESE SAY...

THERE'S TWO SIDES TO EVERYTHING.

THERE'S THE CHEECH AND THE CHONG.

I CHEECHED. YOU CHONGED.

WELL, I'M STILL UPSET,

AND I WANNA TALK.

(sighs deeply)

(sighs deeply)

(sighs deeply)

OKAY, OKAY, OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU CAN DO THAT AS LONG AS YOU WANT,

BUT I'M NOT MOVING TILL WORDS START COMING OUT.

(inhales sharply)

IS "CRAP" A WORD?

(sighs)

FINE.

FINE, FINE, FINE.

I CAN DO IT.

YOU WANNA TALK?

LET'S TALK.

OKAY. I GOT MAD BECAUSE IT SEEMED

LIKE YOU WENT OUT OF YOUR WAY

TO NOT SHARE WITH ME.

CHERYL...

I DO THAT ALL THE TIME,

BUT IT DOESN'T END UP

WITH US THROWING PIES AT EACH OTHER.

THAT'S TRUE. WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT?

MAYBE IT STARTED A FEW DAYS AGO

WHEN YOU FORGOT TO PUT GAS IN THE CAR.

BUT I DIDN'T WANT THE GARAGE REORGANIZED.

NOW I CAN'T FIND ANYTHING.

AND IF YOU EAT WITH A SPOON

AND PUT THE SPOON BACK IN THE JAR,

THEN PUT THE JAR IN THE FRIDGE,

THEN BACTERIA GROWS INTO A MONSTER

AND KILLS OUR FAMILY IN THE NIGHT.

THAT'S WHY WE NEED A GUN IN THE HOUSE.

AND WHEN WE WERE LITTLE, DANA HAD A 5-SPEED,

AND I ONLY GOT A 3-SPEED.

(play chord)

(plays minor chord)

WHAT MOST PEOPLE DON'T REALIZE IS,

THE TET OFFENSIVE

WAS ACTUALLY A DEFEAT FOR THE NORTH VIETNAMESE.

SO IT LOOKED LIKE WE WERE UPSET ABOUT DESSERT,

BUT I WAS REALLY STRESSED

ABOUT GRACIE'S PROBLEMS WITH HER TEACHER,

AND YOU SNAPPED BECAUSE...

THE BEARS LOST THE SUPER BOWL.

WOW!

I MEAN, WE WEREN'T EVEN MAD AT EACH OTHER.

I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER.

WELL, I DON'T.

I-I WAS MUCH BETTER OFF

YESTERDAY AFTER WE THREW THE PIES.

AND NOW WE GOTTA SIT HERE

AND TALK FOR TWO HOURS,

AND TO BE HONEST WITH YOU, I-I'M STILL KINDA MAD ABOUT IT!

AND THE BEARS LOST THE SUPER BOWL!

JIM, WAIT!

DO YOU WANNA TALK ABOUT IT?

AND TO THINK...

I MADE LOVE ON YOU.

HEY.

HEY.

WHAT... WHAT'S GOING ON HERE? W-WHAT'S WITH ALL THE PIE?

WELL, I-I KNOW YOU'RE UPSET ABOUT EARLIER,

AND I KNOW YOU LIKE TO SOLVE OUR PROBLEMS WITH ACTIONS,

SO THROW AS MUCH PIE AT ME AS YOU WANT.

SERIOUSLY?

YEP. LET THE HEALING BEGIN.

REALLY?

OH, CHERYL.

I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO KISS YOU

OR TO BOUNCE THIS KEY LIME PIE OFF YOUR HEAD.

YEAH, Y-YOU KNOW, YOU KNOW, I-I WAS KINDA HOPING

Y-YOU'D SEE IT AS A SYMBOLIC GESTURE.

I REALLY DON'T. BECAUSE... BECAUSE...

BECAUSE I THINK YOU'RE RIGHT.

WE'RE LISTENING.

OKAY. AFTER 15 YEARS OF MARRIAGE,

I THINK IT'S FAIR TO ADMIT

THAT MANY OF OUR FIGHTS HAVE BEEN

ABOUT SILLY, STUPID STUFF

THAT REALLY ISN'T WORTH REHASHING.

EXACTLY. YEAH.

I MEAN, COME ON.

I MEAN, WHO CARES IF I DROP THE TOWEL ON THE BATHROOM FLOOR,

OR... OR I DON'T PUT THE TOP OF THE TOOTHPASTE BACK ON...

I DON'T KNOW.

OR I LEAVE KYLE IN MILWAUKEE?

YOU DID WHAT?

SOUNDING A LOT LIKE CONVERSATION.

WHOA, WHOA, OKAY. OKAY. OKAY. OKAY.

SOMETIMES, W-WE WILL NEED TO TALK THROUGH OUR FEELINGS,

BUT... BUT...

MOST OF THE TIME,

MAYBE WE DO JUST NEED TO FIND

A-A UNIQUE WAY TO SOLVE OUR PROBLEMS,

LIKE THROWING PIE

OR...

THAT TIME WE HAD CRAZY MAKEUP SEX

AT THE CAR WASH.

I REMEMBER THAT.

THAT WAS HOT.

AND I HAD A COUPON, SO IT WAS LIKE SCORING TWICE.

RIGHT.

YOU KNOW, HONEY, THE TRUTH IS

WE MAKE UP AFTER A FIGHT

'CAUSE WE REMEMBER HOW MUCH WE LOVE EACH OTHER,

AND... AND THAT'S WHAT THESE PIES ARE SUPPOSED TO REMIND YOU OF,

WHETHER YOU THROW THEM OR NOT.

I DO LOVE YOU.

AND YOUR MINIVAN DOES NEED A WASHING.

OR, YOU KNOW...

HERE'S GOOD.

YOU ARE THE COOLEST CHICK EVER.

(laughing)

OH, IS THIS A BAD TIME?

HAVING A CONVERSATION?

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'LL JUST HELP MYSELF TO SOME POT ROAST.

YOU TWO DIG IN AND EXPLORE.

NO, THAT'S OKAY, ANDY. WE'RE DONE TALKING,

AND YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU WERE WRONG.

WE DID NOT NEED TO TALK OR GET TO THE ROOT OF OUR FIGHT.

WHAT'S THIS?

UH, CHERYL... (laughs nervously)

YOU'RE MAKING IT SOUND AS THOUGH WE HAD A PRIOR CONVERSATION,

WHICH I KNOW WE DIDN'T.

SO I'M JUST, UH, GONNA GO AND MAKE

ME AND MY PAL JIM A TASTY SNACK.

HEY!

ANDY.

JIM.

I HAD A FEELING WE MIGHT DANCE TODAY.

WE'RE GONNA DANCE.

OH, WE'RE GONNA DANCE.

YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME?

NAH. I WANT A PIECE OF PIE.

OHH! OHH!

AAH!

JIM, WAIT, WAIT. LEAVE THE PECAN.

(door creaks)

(laughs)

AAH!

OH!

(laughs)

OOH. OH!

AAH!

JIM, JIM, JIM, WAIT, WAIT!

(panting)

I THINK I MADE A POOPIE.

(both grunting)