Original subtitles

I AM SO HAPPY WE'RE DOING THIS...

FANCY RESTAURANT...

MM-HMM. SUIT AND TIE. OH.

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME WE WENT OUT LIKE THIS?

I'M THINKING, UH, YOUR FATHER'S FUNERAL.

RIGHT.

BUT THE DIFFERENCE IS TONIGHT I MIGHT GET SOME.

OH. HEY, I WANNA TRY HAMACHI.

OH, THAT SOUNDS DIRTY. DO I NEED TO STRETCH?

OH, IT'S A KIND OF FISH.

OH, DIRTY AND HEALTHY.

(laughs) OH, HONEY, THERE'S THE MAîTRE D'.

WOULD YOU GO CHECK ON OUR TABLE? (sighs) YOU KNOW, AT THE RED COWBOY,

THEY GIVE YOU ONE OF THOSE THINGS THAT BUZZ

WHEN YOUR TABLE'S READY. I LIKE TO PUT 'EM... PUT IT DOWN YOUR PANTS,

AND THEN YOU GET DINNER AND DESSERT AT THE SAME TIME.

THAT NEVER GETS OLD, HONEY. GO AHEAD.

YOU KNOW ME, BABY. YOU KNOW ME.

HEY, PAL. HOW'S THAT TABLE COMING?

I MEAN, UH, I CAN GET BY ON THESE MINTS,

BUT THE WIFE'S A BIT PECKISH.

IT'S GOING TO BE AT LEAST ANOTHER HOUR.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? WE MADE A RESERVATION.

I'LL CALL YOU AS SOON AS YOUR TABLE'S READY.

YOU KNOW, AT THE RED COWBOY,

TO KILL TIME, THEY HAVE A TABLETOP MS. PAC-MAN.

I DON'T SEE A SUGGESTION BOX,

SO I'M GONNA TAKE THAT ONE RIGHT TO THE TOP.

THANK YOU.

(sighs) CHERYL, STRUCK OUT.

OH.

OH, I'M SORRY. WERE YOU SITTING THERE?

HONEY, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE A SHOT AT IT?

OH, I... WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?

OH, COME ON. NO GUY CAN RESIST YOU.

JUST SHOW A LITTLE SKIN, SQUEEZE YOUR GIRL JUNK TOGETHER,

AND IN TWO MINUTES, WE'LL BE SITTING BY THE WINDOW

GOING CRAZY ON BREADSTICKS. OH.

COME ON.

DO YOU WANT A TABLE OR A BOOTH?

YOU WORK IT, BABY.

AH.

HI.

HELLO. IT'S GOING TO BE AT LEAST ANOTHER HOUR.

YEAH, I-I KNOW THAT'S WHAT YOU TOLD

MY BROTHER OVER THERE,

BUT I WAS JUST WONDERING

IF THERE'S ANYTHING YOU COULD DO,

BECAUSE I AM SO HUNGRY.

I'M SORRY, MA'AM,

BUT WE DON'T HAVE A TABLE FOR YOU.

HOW ABOUT NOW?

STILL NOTHING.

SO AN HOUR, THEN?

HI. IS THERE ANY WAY WE CAN GET A TABLE FOR TWO?

WE DON'T HAVE A RESERVATION.

YOU KNOW, I BELIEVE SOMETHING JUST OPENED UP.

WHY DON'T YOU FOLLOW ME RIGHT THIS WAY? WAIT. HOLD ON A SECOND.

YOU DON'T HAVE A TABLE FOR US,

BUT YOU CAN SEAT THEM RIGHT AWAY? PRECISELY.

(scoffs)

CHERYL, WHAT HAPPENED? WHAT, IT DIDN'T WORK?

NO.

DID YOU TAKE HIM ON A TOUR OF THE CANYON?

I DID. MAYBE WE SHOULD JUST GO TO THE RED COWBOY.

OH, I GOT IT ON SPEED DIAL. YOU KNOW WHAT?

IF WE SAY IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY, WE GET DESSERT FOR FREE.

♪♪♪

CHERYL, I USED THE BATHROOM DOWNSTAIRS.

THAT'S COURTESY.

THANK YOU.

HAD A TOUGH NIGHT, HUH, HONEY?

WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT ALWAYS HELPS ME

WHEN I'M NOT FEELING SEXY? SOME GOOD OLD-FASHIONED SEX.

CHERYL, SWEATS?

COME ON, HONEY. I'M DRESSED UP.

WE WENT OUT TO DINNER.

I-I WANNA SEE SOMETHIN' TIGHT AND SEE-THROUGH...

SOMETHING THAT YOU GOTTA HIDE FROM THE KIDS

WHEN YOU'RE DOING THE LAUNDRY.

WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY, JIM?

WHY DON'T YOU SAY,

"ALL RIGHT. LET'S KNOCK ONE OUT"?

YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. OH, CHERYL...

THIS... THIS HAS NEVER NOT WORKED FOR ME.

FIVE YEARS AGO, I COULD HAVE GOTTEN US IN TO THAT RESTAURANT.

WELL, MAYBE NOT US BUT ME.

CHERYL, COME ON.

YOU ARE THE HOTTEST WOMAN IN THE WHOLE WORLD.

YOU DRIVE ME CRAZY EVERY DAY.

OH, YOU'RE MY HUSBAND. THAT'S NOT THE SAME.

(scoffs)

I KNOW IT MUST BE ROUGH.

I MEAN, I CAN ONLY IMAGINE

HOW I'LL FEEL WHEN IT HAPPENS TO ME.

LET'S JUST HOPE THAT I'LL BE AS SENSITIVE

AS YOU'RE BEING TONIGHT.

YOU WILL BE, HONEY. YOU WILL.

YOU KNOW, LET'S FACE IT.

THAT RESTAURANT HAD SOME PRETTY HIGH-END TALENT.

YOU KNOW WHAT? MAYBE THE PROBLEM IS,

IS YOU'RE PLAYING OUT OF YOUR LEAGUE.

MY LEAGUE?

YEAH, I MEAN EVERYBODY KNOWS

YOU'RE THE HOTTEST WOMAN IN THE WHOLE P.T.A.

I MEAN, SURE, YOU'RE HEARING FOOTSTEPS.

I MEAN, THAT BLONDE THAT USED TO BE A DANCER...

SHE'S PRETTY SHARP.

BUT SHE JUST HAD THAT SECOND KID.

WHO KNOWS IF SHE'S GONNA LOSE THE WEIGHT?

WHY ARE YOU NOT MELTING?

THIS IS GOOD STUFF.

I GUESS I'M JUST NOT FEELING VERY SEXY.

WELL, THAT'S THE GREAT THING ABOUT OUR MARRIAGE, HONEY.

I'M FINE WITH THAT.

DON'T.

CRAP.

AFTERNOON, PYGMIES.

HOW'S LIFE BELOW 5 FEET?

UNCLE ANDY, CAN YOU DO A HEADSTAND?

RUBY THINKS YOU CAN'T. WE'VE GOT A NICKEL RIDING ON IT.

A NICKEL?

SHOULD'VE BET A LOT MORE THAN THAT.

STEP ASIDE, RUNTS.

LET A MAN WORK.

HA HA!

GET YOUR NICKEL READY, LOSER.

AND... UPSY-DAISY.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT, HUH?

WHAT? HEY, WHAT THE HELL?

COME ON. GET BACK HERE!

HEY, GIRLS.

HEY, ANDY.

HEY, JIM, HOW ARE YA?

I'M NOT DOING SO...

GET ME DOWN!

HEY, I FEEL A LITTLE WEAK.

THERE YOU GO.

WHOA, YOU ALL RIGHT? HUH? ANDY?

NO.

YOU ALL RIGHT?

I SEE LITTLE, TINY STARS.

OH.

LISTEN TO ME. LISTEN TO ME.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

LAST NIGHT, I-I TOOK CHERYL TO THAT NEW RESTAURANT.

OOH, DID YA GET THE HAMACHI?

TRIED, BUT SHE WASN'T IN THE MOOD.

ANYWAY, SOME STUFF HAPPENED, AND... (sighs) I DON'T KNOW.

CHERYL DOESN'T FEEL THAT SHE'S HOT LIKE SHE USED TO BE.

OOH, THAT'S A TOUGH ONE. YEAH.

I CAN ONLY IMAGINE

HOW I'LL FEEL WHEN IT HAPPENS TO ME.

KNOCK IT OFF. QUIT JOKING AROUND HERE.

I MEAN, I NEED YOU HERE, MAN. I NEED YOUR HELP.

JIM, JIM, JIM.

IF THE QUEEN BEE AIN'T GIVIN' YOU DA HONEY,

YOU GOTS TO SHAKE UP DA HIVE.

TRY COMPLIMENTING HER.

I COMPLIMENTED HER. I DON'T KNOW, ANDY.

MAYBE AFTER 15 YEARS OF MARRIAGE,

SHE NEEDS THAT STUFF FROM A HANDSOME GUY

THAT'S NOT ME.

WELL, SHE'S MY SISTER, BUT I CAN GIVE IT A SHOT.

ANDY!

(doorbell rings)

LOOK, YOUR RUSSIAN MAIL ORDER BRIDE WENT BACK TO RUSSIA.

YOU THINK YOUR SISTER'S GONNA GO OUT WITH YOU?

NICE JUGS, BRAD.

OH, THAT'S FUNNY EVERY TIME, JIM.

I'LL TAKE THESE TO THE KITCHEN.

ALL RIGHT.

ARE YOU THINKING WHAT I'M THINKING?

WAY AHEAD OF YOU, BOSS.

IF WE KILL BRAD, WE GET ALL THE WATER.

HELLO, BRAD.

HEY. (chuckles nervously)

I'M ALL DONE HERE.

YOU'RE LEAVING? WHAT'S THE HURRY?

MY WIFE'S UPSTAIRS.

OKAY.

SHE'S LOOKIN' PRETTY HOT.

UH, SO SHE WANTS WATER?

OH, SHE'S THIRSTY.

SHE'S REAL THIRSTY.

CHERYL'S A VERY ATTRACTIVE WOMAN,

DON'T YOU THINK, BRAD?

SURE.

IS THERE ANY REASON YOU COULDN'T TELL HER THAT?

YOU KNOW, SHAKE UP THE HIVE?

GETS THAT HONEY TO FLOW.

LOOK, I-I KNOW EVERYONE THINKS

THE WATER DELIVERY GUY'S LIFE'S LIKE A PORNO MOVIE,

BUT I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND.

I'M A GOOD CHRISTIAN.

MAYBE ASK THE PIZZA GUY.

I HEAR HE LIKES THIS KIND OF THING.

ANDY...

ARE YOU THINKIN' WHAT I'M THINKIN'?

WAY AHEAD OF YOU, BOSS.

WE SHOULD ORDER PIZZA TONIGHT.

ANDY, NO. NO.

I'M GONNA HAVE BRAD FLIRT WITH CHERYL

WHETHER HE KNOWS IT OR NOT.

TAKE... TAKE A SEAT.

HERE.

HERE, WRITE THIS...

DEAR CHERYL...

I AM SO SORRY I MISSED YOU.

YOUR TIGHT, LITTLE BODY IS THE HIGHLIGHT OF MY ROUTES.

"TIGHT, LITTLE BODY"?

THAT... THAT'S A LITTLE CREEPY.

P.S. I GO TO CHURCH.

HOW ABOUT

"I AM SO SORRY I MISSED SEEING

THE PRETTIEST LADY ON MY WHOLE ROUTE"?

ANDY, THAT'S GREAT.

THANKS.

W-WHAT ELSE ARE YOU DOING?

I'M DRAWING A SQUIRREL SAYING...

(high-pitched voice) "I'M NUTS FOR YOU." (laughs)

(normal voice) IT'S... IT'S SWEET, BUT A LITTLE RACY.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "RACY"? HE'S POINTING AT HIS UNIT.

ANDY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

ALL RIGHT.

STRAIGHTEN THAT OUT.

FINE.

I'LL JUST CHANGE IT TO A BRANCH...

AND CHANGE THESE TO ACORNS.

HEY.

HEY, YOURSELF.

OOH, AM I SENSING SOMETHING DIFFERENT HERE?

(laughs)

NOT WEARING SWEATS?

NO.

GOT A SMILE ON YOUR FACE...

AND WHAT... (sniffs) IS THAT INTOXICATING ODOR?

I GOT A ROAST IN THE OVEN.

(gasps)

I THINK I'M IN LOVE.

(giggles)

SO WHY SUCH A GOOD MOOD?

(sighs) IT IS SO SILLY,

AND... AND... AND TOTALLY INNOCENT, BUT...

GO AHEAD. GO AHEAD.

YOU KNOW BRAD, THE WATER GUY?

BRAD...

WATER...

GUY...

WELL, HE LEFT ME THE SWEETEST NOTE,

AND IT JUST... IT... IT GAVE ME A LIFT.

HE EVEN DREW ME A CUTE PICTURE

OF A BEAVER HOLDING A FLASHLIGHT.

OH, OH, OH, HONEY, HONEY, DON'T BE MAD.

IT REALLY MADE ME FEEL GOOD.

OH, YOU'RE NOT JEALOUS, ARE YOU?

A LITTLE BIT.

(sighs) WELL, CHERYL,

I GUESS THAT'S THE PRICE YOU PAY

WHEN YOU'RE MARRIED TO A SMOKIN' HOT WIFE.

(gasps) CHERYL MABEL, IS THAT YOUR SATURDAY NIGHT UNDERWEAR?

(gasps) OH, MY GOODNESS. I THINK IT IS.

AND ON A TUESDAY.

WELL, I'D BETTER RUN UPSTAIRS

AND TAKE THIS OFF RIGHT NOW.

IS THIS ROAST GONNA BE FINE?

(Cheryl) GET MOVIN'.

(exhales deeply) THANKS, BRAD.

(high-pitched voice) YOU AND I, TOGETHER.

HOW MUCH DID YOU SPEND ON WATER THIS WEEK?

70 BUCKS.

NOW ASK ME HOW MANY TIMES

I'VE SEEN YOUR SISTER NAKED.

WELL, LOOKS LIKE WE HAVE TO CALL MR. BUBBLY

AND RESTOCK OUR WATER.

ALL RIGHT. WHY DON'T YOU, UH, START WORKING ON A NEW NOTE?

OKAY, BUT CAN THAT BE THE LAST ONE?

IT'S STARTING TO GET A LITTLE WEIRD.

WHAT IS SO WEIRD ABOUT YOU WRITING LOVE LETTERS

TO YOUR SISTER FROM THE WATER GUY

SO SHE'LL SLEEP WITH ME MORE?

THAT'S NOT THE WEIRD PART.

WHAT'S WEIRD IS CHERYL'S GETTING HER HIVE SHAKEN,

BUT IT'S ANOTHER DIRTY BEE DOING THE BUZZIN'.

YOU KNOW, WILL YOU JUST STOP WITH THIS BEE STUFF?

AND STOP WATCHING THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL.

I'M JUST SAYING, JIM.

CHERYL'S THINKING ABOUT ANOTHER GUY WHEN SHE'S WITH YOU,

AND YOU'RE OKAY WITH IT. OH, BAH!

I DON'T KNOW, JIM.

I THINK IF YOU COULD GET INSIDE THAT BLONDE HEAD,

YOU'D SEE THERE'S WATER ON THE BRAIN.

BAH?

HEY, BIG BOY.

GUESS WHAT I'M WEARING?

NEW UNDERWEAR?

NO UNDERWEAR.

(gasps) SUDDENLY I FEEL SO OVERDRESSED.

HONEY, UM, BEFORE WE START, WOULD YOU MIND?

I'M KIND OF THIRSTY. OH, YEAH, SURE.

YOU WANT A SODA OR A GLASS OF WINE? UH, JUST WATER, THANKS.

WATER?

YEAH.

THAT'S AN ODD REQUEST.

NOT IF YOU'RE THIRSTY.

OKAY.

I'LL GET YOU A GLASS OUT OF THE BATHROOM.

OH.

IS THERE A PROBLEM?

YEAH, THAT WATER TASTES KIND OF RUSTY.

I'D REALLY PREFER A TALL GLASS OF MR. BUBBLY.

(lowers voice) I BET YOU WOULD.

ARE YOU OKAY?

(normal voice) NO, CHERYL.

I'M NOT OKAY.

NO, NO, NO, NO, HONEY, NOT THE SWEATS.

I'M JUST NOT FEELING SEXY.

(scoffs)

DON'T.

HOW'S YOUR TOAST?

FINE.

DO YOU NEED MORE COFFEE?

NO. I'M GOOD.

ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE OKAY?

YEAH. COULDN'T BE BETTER.

IS THERE ANY CHANCE YOU'RE UPSET

ABOUT THE NOTES FROM THE WATER GUY?

WATER...

GUY?

JIM, I TOLD YOU THOSE NOTES WERE TOTALLY INNOCENT.

I-I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING TO ENCOURAGE HIM.

JUST... THEY MADE ME FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF.

(doorbell rings)

(Brad) MR. BUBBLY!

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M GONNA TAKE CARE OF THIS RIGHT NOW.

YEAH, YOU DO THAT, CHERYL. YOU TELL THAT LITTLE PRETTY BOY

YOU DON'T WANT ANY MORE OF HIS LOVE NOTES.

OH, CRAP! CHER-CHERYL, YOU KNOW WHAT?

THIS IS A MAN'S JOB, ON SECOND THOUGHT.

LET ME HANDLE THIS. LET ME TALK TO HIM. NO, NO, NO. JIM, JIM.

MORNING, CHERYL.

YOU PEOPLE SURE ARE THIRSTY LATELY.

YEAH, BRAD, WE REALLY NEED TO TALK ABOUT YOUR NOTES. NO.

WHAT NOTES?

OH. (scoffs) YOU KNOW WHAT NOTES.

I'VE GOT THEM RIGHT OVER HERE.

(coughs) YOU HEARD THE WOMAN. GET OUT OF HERE. WHOA!

YOU KNOW WHAT, CHERYL?

I THINK I'LL TAKE THAT CUP OF COFFEE NOW.

(Brad) I DIDN'T WRITE ANY NOTES!

AND I THINK I'M HURT.

JIM...

DID YOU WRITE THOSE NOTES?

CHERYL, HONESTLY,

I CAN SAY I DID NOT WRITE THOSE NOTES.

DID ANDY WRITE THOSE NOTES?

I DON'T KNOW.

DID... ANDY... WRITE... THOSE... NOTES?

OKAY, CAN I ASK YOU A QUESTION FIRST?

WAS THERE EVEN A SLIGHT POSSIBILITY

OF SEX TONIGHT?

WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU DOING?

OH, CHERYL, COME ON.

I WAS TRYING TO GET YOUR GROOVE BACK.

I WAS TRYING TO MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER.

SO I'D SLEEP WITH YOU MORE?

WELL, IF IT TURNS OUT THAT WAY, FINE, I GUESS...

A HAPPY ACCIDENT. I MEAN, IT WAS LIKE PENICILLIN.

IT WAS DISCOVERED BY LEAVING COOKIES OUT IN THE SUN.

OH, GOD, I AM SO EMBARRASSED.

OH, COME ON. DON'T GO THERE. OH, NO.

HERE I THOUGHT SOMEBODY THOUGHT I WAS HOT AGAIN,

AND IT WAS YOU. CHERYL, EVERYBODY THINKS YOU'RE HOT!

ALL THOSE NOTES.

(gasps) AND THE FLOWERS FROM THE MAILMAN.

CHERYL, WHY CAN'T YOU JUST THINK...

FLOWERS? WHAT FLOWERS?

OH, WOULD YOU STOP IT? I KNOW IT WAS YOU.

CHERYL, THINK ABOUT IT.

WOULD I SPEND THE MONEY ON FLOWERS

WHEN I CAN GET YOUR BROTHER

TO WRITE YOU LOVE LETTERS FOR FREE?

SO... THE MAILMAN'S REALLY HITTING ON ME?

OF COURSE HE IS, HONEY.

BECAUSE YOU STILL GOT IT.

THOSE NOTES THAT I SENT YOU FROM BRAD MADE YOU FEEL BETTER,

AND YOU STARTED PUTTING IT OUT THERE AGAIN.

YOU THINK?

I KNOW, CHERYL.

YOU LOST YOUR MOJO,

AND I GOT IT BACK FOR YOU.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

YOU KNOW, IT REALLY DID FEEL GOOD BEING HOT AGAIN.

CHERYL, LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.

YOU NEVER STOPPED BEING HOT.

AW.

AND YOU NEVER WILL STOP BEING HOT.

HEY, CAN I ASK YOU SOMETHIN'?

IF YOU WROTE THOSE NOTES, WHY WERE YOU JEALOUS OF THEM?

I DON'T KNOW.

I THOUGHT THAT WHEN WE WERE TOGETHER,

YOU MIGHT BE THINKING ABOUT THE WATER GUY.

OH, ARE YOU CRAZY?

YES. YOU KNOW THAT.

OH, HONEY.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE THE ONLY MAN FOR ME.

AND YOU KNOW,

WHEN WE'RE INSIDE THAT BEDROOM,

WE ARE BOTH ONLY THINKING ABOUT YOU.

YEAH.

AND YOU NEED TO KNOW THAT I THINK

YOU'RE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL, SMOKIN' HOT WIFE EVER.

AW, THANK YOU. MMM.

MAYBE WE SHOULD GO CLEAN UP THAT WATER, HUH?

YOU KNOW, WHY DON'T YOU DO THAT,

AND I JUST WANT TO TAKE CARE OF SOMETHING REAL QUICK? OKAY.

OKAY.

SMOKIN' HOT WIFE.

OH, GOD. HE'S GOT A BAT.

OH, BOB THE MAILMAN.

YOU KNOW HE'S GAY, RIGHT?

THOSE FLOWERS WERE FOR YOU.