Original subtitles

(playing discordant notes)

AND YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP PAYING FOR THESE LESSONS?

WELL, I THOUGHT IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.

WAS THAT IN THE KEY OF E-CRAP?

IT'S IMPORTANT FOR CHILDREN TO HAVE MUSICAL SKILLS.

AND AS SOON AS I HEAR MUSICAL SKILLS,

WE'LL PAY FOR MORE LESSONS.

KYLE, THROW THAT THING IN THE TRASH. YES!

NEXT!

(Cheryl) OH, THERE'S MY LITTLE SOCCER STAR.

GRACIE, TELL US WHY WE SHOULD PAY FOR ANOTHER YEAR OF SOCCER.

I'M OUT OF YOUR HAIR FOR THREE HOURS EVERY SATURDAY.

YOU MAY CONTINUE.

HERE'S A CHECK.

NEXT!

OH, GOD. A TAP-DANCING CHILD?

BETTER EARN THOSE FANCY SHOES OF YOURS, GIRL.

SIGN IT.

♪♪♪

(thinking) THIS TREASURE SNOOPER T-700

IS THE BEST INVESTMENT I'VE EVER MADE.

GOOD-BYE, LOSER WEEKENDS. HELLO, METAL DETECTING.

WELL, HELLO, LADIES.

WHAT'S SEXIER THAN A MAN WHO CAN FIND TREASURE?

WHOO! (both laughing)

HMM. MUST BE SOMETHING FUNNY GOING ON BEHIND ME.

GUESS I MISSED IT.

(beeps)

OOH, OOH!

PLEASE BE GOLD COINS! PLEASE BE GOLD COINS!

HEY, A NICKEL...

FROM 1988.

IT'S LIKE A WINDOW INTO ANOTHER TIME.

(beeps)

PLEASE BE GOLD COINS! PLEASE BE GOLD COINS!

A WEDDING RING?

"JIM, PUT THIS BACK ON. LOVE, CHERYL."

OH, MY GOD, THIS IS JIM'S WEDDING RING!

I REMEMBER WHEN HE LOST THIS A YEAR AGO.

(laughs)

THAT RASCAL HAS WORN A CHEAP LOOK-ALIKE EVER SINCE,

AND CHERYL'S NEVER BEEN THE WISER.

GOD, I LOVE THAT GUY.

ANDY! ANDY!

WHAT DID...

WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT DIGGING HOLES IN MY FRONT YARD?

I CAN'T WAIT TO SHOW HIM.

WHAT... WHY DON'T YOU JUST TAKE THAT THING BACK

TO YOUR HOUSE AND USE IT TO TRY TO FIND A LIFE?

WOW. HE'S REALLY MAD ABOUT SOMETHING BEHIND ME.

HMM. MUST'VE MISSED IT.

THINGS HAPPEN FAST AROUND HERE.

HEY! HEY!

WHAT, YOU'RE GONNA IGNORE ME?

IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE GONNA DO?

ALL RIGHT, ANDY. ALL RIGHT. (grunts)

WOW. JIM'S SQUIRTING ME WITH A HOSE.

WHY WOULD HE DO THAT? I'M HIS BEST FRIEND.

(gasps)

I KNOW. I MUST BE ON FIRE.

STOP, DROP AND ROLL! STOP, DROP AND ROLL!

STOP, DROP AND ROLL!

NEXT TIME I'M GONNA GET MY BB GUN,

AND WE'LL SEE IF YOU CAN DETECT METAL FLYING INTO YOUR ASS!

(engine starts)

I WASN'T ON FIRE AT ALL.

HE'S JUST A BIG, STUPID JERK.

WELL, I'LL SHOW HIM.

(laughing)

WHAT IS SO FUNNY BEHIND ME?

POOR ANDY.

EVEN WITH THAT THING, YOU CAN'T FIND YOUR DIGNITY.

OH, DANA, GIVE HIM A BREAK.

IT WAS SMALL AND HARD TO FIND IN THE FIRST PLACE.

AH, CHERYL, BIG SIS... (laughs)

ALWAYS THERE WITH A CLEVER QUIP AND AN APRON.

THAT REMINDS ME. WHAT WAS THE FUNNY THING

YOU HAD ENGRAVED ON JIM'S WEDDING RING?

OH... (laughs) "JIM, PUT THIS BACK ON.

LOVE, CHERYL." (laughs)

HUH. THAT'S FUNNY.

THAT'S WHAT THIS RING SAYS THAT I JUST FOUND

BURIED IN THE FRONT YARD UNDER 2 INCHES OF LIES.

WHAT? JIM LOST HIS WEDDING RING?

YEAH, A YEAR AGO, AND HE'S BEEN WEARING A FAKE ONE EVER SINCE. (gasps)

HOW DO YOU KNOW HE LOST IT A YEAR AGO?

(chuckling) DANA... SWEET, STUPID DANA.

A SEASONED TREASURE HUNTER CAN ANALYZE THE SOIL

AND THE POSITION OF SAID ARTIFACT IN DETERMINING...

YOU WERE WITH HIM WHEN HE LOST IT.

IT WAS A WARM SPRING DAY...

A DAY WHICH FOUND JIM AND I IN POSSESSION

OF A WATER BALLOON CATAPULT

AND THE GOOD SENSE TO KNOW WHERE TO USE IT.

ALL RIGHT. GUNS UP! (Andy grunts)

10 BUCKS IF YOU HIT DRISCOLL'S MAILBOX!

10 BUCKS IF YOU DON'T LEAN BACK SO FAR.

FIRE IN THE HOLE!

(Andy) OH, GREAT SHOT! (Jim laughs)

ALL RIGHT, WHAT ELSE WE GOT?

OH, LOOK AT THAT. MMM.

LOOKS LIKE AL CRANNIS PICKED THE WRONG DAY

TO LEAVE THE SUNROOF OPEN IN HIS CAR.

(laughs)

GUNS UP!

(grunts)

FIRE IN THE HOLE!

(grunts)

(Jim) OHH!

(Andy laughing) OHH.

(Jim) YEAH!

(laughing)

(Andy) OH, YEAH!

(both laughing)

TOUCHDOWN! TOUCHDOWN!

AWESOME.

FIRE IN THE HOLE!

YOW!

OOH! OH! (laughs)

HEY, I'M GONNA KICK YOUR BUTTS, YOU OLD JERKS!

OOH. OH, MY GOD.

OH, CRAP, CRAP, CRAP, CRAP, CRAP!

WHAT'S THE MATTER? SHE'S 5. WE COULD TAKE HER.

NO, I'VE LOST IT.

WHAT? I LOST MY WEDDING RING.

IT'S GOTTA BE AROUND HERE SOMEWHERE.

IT COULDN'T HAVE GONE FAR. AH, I'D SAY 100 YARDS WITH A GOOD TAILWIND.

CRAP!

MAYBE IT'S IN THE FRONT YARD. HEY, YOU'RE A BIG NERD.

YOU GOT ONE OF THOSE, UH, METAL DETECTORS, DON'T YA?

I'VE BEEN KICKIN' THE TIRES ON A COUPLE,

BUT THE ONLINE BUZZ SAYS WAIT FOR THE T-700.

AND "NERD'S" A LITTLE HARSH. CHERYL'S GONNA GET A LITTLE HARSH

IF I DON'T FIND THAT RING! COME ON. OKAY.

JEEZ, JIM... (grunts)

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO IF YOU CAN'T FIND YOUR RING?

I DON'T KNOW. I'M DEAD. FOR SOME REASON,

CHERYL'S ALWAYS MADE A BIG DEAL ABOUT THE RING.

WOMEN.

YEAH.

YOU KNOW, I COULD JUST TELL HER THE TRUTH. THAT DOESN'T SOUND LIKE YOU.

I MEAN, SHE'S A REASONABLE WOMAN.

SHE KNOWS ACCIDENTS HAPPEN. I MEAN, LOOK AT KYLE.

YEAH, WE'LL FIND IT.

YO!

CHERYL.

YOU DO SOMETHING NEW WITH YOUR HAIR?

DID YOU FORGET SOMETHING, JIM?

YES. HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN?

WHAT?

YOU FORGOT TO PICK UP THE GIRLS AT THEIR DANCE LESSON...

TODAY OF ALL DAYS, AFTER I HAD TO BEG, BORROW AND STEAL

FOR AN APPOINTMENT WITH TODD, THE HAIR GENIUS OF OAK PARK.

I WAS HALFWAY THROUGH MY WEAVE WHEN MY CELL PHONE RINGS,

AND IT'S RUBY, CRYING BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T SHOW!

SO I HAD TO LEAVE THE SALON, PICK THE GIRLS UP,

GO TO THE CRAFT STORE FOR THEIR BEADING PROJECT

WHERE I RAN INTO EVERYBODY I KNOW LOOKING LIKE THIS!

AND NOW THAT MY HAIR COLOR IS PROCESSED

FOR 2 HOURS INSTEAD OF 20 MINUTES,

I AM GONNA LOOK LIKE ANDY WARHOL!

THIS IS THE SINGLE MOST IRRESPONSIBLE THING

YOU HAVE EVER DONE!

YES.

YES, IT IS.

DID YOU TWO BOZOS EVEN LOOK FOR THE RING?

WELL, WE WERE GOING TO, BUT THEN WE REALIZED

WE COULD FILL WATER BALLOONS WITH PEE.

ONCE WE WERE BORED WITH THAT, SUMMER WAS OVER.

THEN IT SNOWED.

SO HE'S BEEN LYING ABOUT THIS FOR A YEAR?

OH, CHERYL, YOU KNOW HIM. HE'LL SAY...

(imitating Jim) "I JUST DIDN'T TELL YOU,

AND THAT'S NOT THE SAME AS LYING."

OH, NO. HE LIED.

CHERYL, I SWEAR ON THIS RING

I DID NOT HEAVE WATER BALLOONS AT AL CRANNIS' CAR.

CHERYL,

I SWEAR ON THIS RING

I DID NOT TEACH KYLE THAT WORD.

I SWEAR ON THIS RING, IT WAS HERE WHEN I WOKE UP.

HE WAS NEVER GONNA TELL ME.

HE SWORE OVER AND OVER AGAIN ON A FAKE RING.

CHERYL, FOR ONCE IN THIS TWISTED MARRIAGE,

YOU HAVE COLD, HARD EVIDENCE. YOU SHOULD NAIL HIM.

OH, OH, I AM GONNA NAIL HIM. I WILL NAIL HIM.

HE IS NAILED!

HOW DO I DO THAT?

EASY. WE TIE HIM UP AND BEAT HIM. I'VE GOT A BAT.

OH, GREAT IDEA. WE CAN TAKE TURNS.

NO, NO. I MEAN, HITTING HIM WOULD FEEL GOOD...

REALLY GOOD...

BUT THAT'S JUST TEMPORARY.

DEPENDS ON WHERE YOU HIT HIM.

ANDY.

MORE SATISFYING WOULD BE A CONFESSION.

YOU'LL NEVER GET HIM TO CONFESS.

HE ALWAYS TALKS HIS WAY OUT OF THESE THINGS.

(gasps) WE COULD BEAT A CONFESSION OUT OF HIM. YES! I'VE GOT A BAT.

NO. NO. WE ARE GONNA BE MORE SUBTLE.

WE ARE GONNA USE CUPCAKES.

I'LL BRING MY BAT.

GOOD IDEA.

OKAY, EVERYBODY. LOOK WHAT I MADE...

MMM. MY CHOCOLATE SWIRL SINFUL CUPCAKES.

OH! THOSE ARE MY FAVORITE!

I KNOW... DEEP, DARK CHOCOLATE.

MMM. BUT FIRST...

EVERYBODY HAS TO TELL A DEEP, DARK SECRET.

OH!

COME ON, CHERYL, WE'RE NOT 4 YEARS OLD.

LET'S JUST EAT THE CUPCAKES. UH! NO SECRET, NO CUPCAKE.

(Andy) I'LL GO. I'LL GO. OKAY.

UM, REMEMBER THAT LAVENDER TIE YOU BOUGHT ME? THE ONE I HAD MONOGRAMMED?

I LOST IT DOING SOMETHING STUPID,

AND RATHER THAN TELL YOU, I WENT OUT AND BOUGHT

A SIMILAR ONE, AND YOU NEVER CAUGHT ON.

I-I'M A TERRIBLE MAN.

SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING I WOULD DO.

DOESN'T IT?

OH, ANDY, THAT'S SILLY. YOU'RE FAMILY.

I WOULD HAVE UNDERSTOOD.

RIGHT, JIM? I MEAN, ANYBODY CAN LOSE SOMETHING.

YOU SHOULD HAVE JUST TOLD HER. I KNOW. THE COVER-UP IS ACTUALLY WORSE THAN THE CRIME.

(chuckles) IT ALWAYS IS.

CAN WE JUST EAT THE CUPCAKES?

THAT'S WHAT WE'RE DOING. ANDY, HERE'S YOURS.

HA HA HA! MMM. MMM! MMM.

DELICIOUS. THIS IS A GOOD CUPCAKE,

BUT NOT AS GOOD AS A CLEAN CONSCIENCE. MMM.

OKAY, MY TURN.

LAST WEEK, I WAS UP ON THE ROOF

THROWING WATER BALLOONS FILLED WITH MY OWN URINE.

AND...

I LOST THE BRACELET THAT CHERYL GAVE ME.

THE ONE I HAD ENGRAVED?

I'M SUCH A JERK.

IS THERE SOMETHING WEIRD GOING ON BEHIND ME?

YOU KNOW, DANA, I COULD HAVE HELPED YOU LOOK FOR THAT

WITH MY METAL DETECTOR.

OH, THE TREASURE SNOOPER T-7000? HUNDRED.

HUNDRED, YEAH. YOU COULD FIND ANYTHING WITH THAT. (laughs) YEAH.

YOU KNOW, DANA, AT LEAST YOU DIDN'T HIDE IT FROM ME

FOR WEEKS, MONTHS OR EVEN A YEAR. YEAH.

I MEAN, THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN REALLY HURTFUL. YEAH.

DON'T YOU THINK SO, JIM?

YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK?

I THINK YE WHO LEAST JUDGE JUDGE THE LEAST.

NOW MAY I HAVE YE CUPCAKE?

NOW IT'S TIME FOR YOUR CONFESSION.

SURE.

WELL, NOT UNLIKE DANA, I WAS ON THE ROOF...

THIS IS VERY HARD FOR ME TO SAY.

GO AHEAD, JIM. IT'S TIME.

WELL, I WAS UP ON THE ROOF.

I DON'T KNOW WHY I WAS UP THERE.

ANYWAY, I... I LOST...

I-I LOST...

HOPE.

MY WHOLE LIFE JUST SEEMED A LITTLE BLEAK TO ME.

THEN I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND TOOK A NAP,

AND I FOUND HOPE AGAIN.

THAT'S YOUR BIG CONFESSION? YOU LOST HOPE?

I KNOW. IT WAS THE WORST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME.

I SWEAR ON MY RING.

THANK YOU FOR DIGGING SO DEEP, JIM.

I HAVE A SPECIAL CUPCAKE JUST FOR YOU.

LOOKS DELICIOUS.

(grunts loudly)

ABSOLUTELY SINFUL.

HIT THE SPOT.

MMM! GOOD AS GOLD.

I'M GONNA GO GET SOME MORE MILK.

WOULD YOU GUYS, UH, CARE FOR ANYTHING?

UH... NO, NO.

WE'RE GOOD.

WELL, IF YOU NEED ANYTHING,

JUST GIVE ME A RING.

(lowered voice) OH, THERE... THERE IS NO WAY HE SWALLOWED IT.

(lowered voice) WE WERE ALL THERE.

WE ALL SAW HIM SWALLOW IT.

(lowered voice) WELL, THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY TO FIND OUT.

(beeps)

I-I CAN'T BELIEVE HIM.

HE WOULD RATHER SWALLOW HIS WEDDING RING

THAN ADMIT HE DID SOMETHING WRONG.

YOU KNOW WHAT I CAN'T BELIEVE?

THAT YOU'RE STILL SURPRISED BY HIM.

HE ONCE TOOK THE KIDS TO THE CIRCUS,

CAME BACK WITH A STOLEN MONKEY.

ALL RIGHT. THIS IS NOT OVER. I DON'T CARE WHAT WE HAVE TO DO,

I AM GONNA HEAR THE WORDS, "I SWALLOWED MY WEDDING RING,

AND I LIED TO YOU ABOUT IT."

IT'S TOO LATE NOW. THE EVIDENCE IS GONE.

WELL, IT'S NOT REALLY GONE. WE...

WE KNOW WHERE IT IS.

RIGHT.

AND PRESUMABLY, IT'S COMING BACK.

AND WHEN IT DOES...

WE'LL BE THERE.

(both) OHH!

(grunts)

DADDY, I FINISHED THAT REPORT YOU WANTED ME TO WRITE.

(strained voice) NOT RIGHT NOW, HONEY. I'M IN A BIT OF A HURRY.

OKAY, BUT IT TAKES FOOD ABOUT 14 HOURS TO PASS THROUGH YOU.

ACTUALLY, IT TAKES ABOUT 12 HOURS

AND 25 MINUTES AND 40 SECONDS.

I CAN USE SOME READING.

(grunts)

OH. OHH.

OHH.

(exhaling deeply)

(clink)

OHH!

OHH. OH.

(grunts)

WHAT THE...

DON'T YOU DARE FLUSH THAT TOILET.

BUT FEEL FREE TO LIGHT A MATCH.

I THINK WE'VE CROSSED A LINE IN THIS FAMILY.

I FEEL TOTALLY INVADED.

YEAH, I DON'T FEEL SO GOOD MYSELF.

IT WAS ALL CHERYL.

ALL SHE COULD TALK ABOUT WAS CATCHING YOU ON THE POT.

OH, PLEASE. I HAD TO TALK YOU OUT OF BRINGING A CAMERA.

I FEEL TOTALLY UNCOMFORTABLE IN THE ROLE

OF THIS FAMILY'S MORAL COMPASS.

OH, GET OFF YOUR HIGH HORSE.

WERE YOU USING THAT COMPASS WHEN YOU LOST YOUR WEDDING RING

CATAPULTING WATER BALLOONS AT YOUR NEIGHBORS?

OR LYING ABOUT IT FOR A YEAR?

RIDICULING A MAN'S HOBBY AND SQUIRTING HIM WITH A HOSE?

YOU GUYS PUT A RING IN A CUPCAKE,

THEN STOOD IN A BATHTUB AND AMBUSHED ME

LIKE A BUNCH OF HYENAS WAITING FOR A LION

TO SQUEEZE OUT A RING.

I GAVE YOU THAT RING ON OUR WEDDING DAY

AS A SYMBOL OF OUR LOVE,

AND YOU LIED TO ME ABOUT LOSING IT!

I DIDN'T LIE. I JUST CHOSE NOT TO TELL YOU.

AHA! I TOLD YOU HE'D SAY THAT. I TOTALLY WIN...

EXCEPT FOR THE PART ABOUT SEEING JIM POOP.

CHERYL, I CHOSE NOT TO TELL YOU BECAUSE I KNEW YOU'D GET UPSET.

OH, YOU JUST DIDN'T WANT TO GET YELLED AT.

THAT IS TRUE. I MEAN, THE WAY YOU LOOKED THAT DAY,

WITH YOUR HAIR, YOU LOOKED CRAZY.

UNTIL FIVE MINUTES AGO,

THAT WAS THE WORST THING I'D EVER SEEN.

CHERYL, THINK ABOUT IT, ALL RIGHT?

I MEAN, YOU DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE

THAT I WAS WEARING A DIFFERENT RING.

AND DO YOU LOVE ME ANY LESS RIGHT NOW?

A LITTLE.

I FEEL TERRIBLE THAT I LOST THE RING.

I DO. BUT COME ON, CHERYL,

WE GOT GREAT LOVE HERE.

WE GOT GREAT COMMITMENT IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.

WE DON'T NEED A SYMBOL TO PROVE IT.

I MEAN, I DON'T,

AND IF YOU DO, WELL, YOU KNOW WHERE IT IS.

(toilet flushes)

KYLE, WHAT DID YOU DO?

YOU ALWAYS TELL ME TO FLUSH. I FLUSHED.

WHY DON'T YOU TELL HIM?

(both sighs)

WELL, CHERYL, TO BE HONEST WITH YOU...

I GOT IT THIS MORNING.

WHAT? BUT... WE HEARD THE CLINK.

YEAH, IT WAS SOMETHING ELSE.

REMIND ME TOMORROW... WE GOTTA HAVE SOME KEYS MADE.