Original subtitles

(Jim) PREVIOUSLY ON "ACCORDING TO JIM"...

WE CAME HERE FOR AN IMPARTIAL OPINION.

CHERYL, TELL RYAN HE'S AN ASS. OH, RYAN, WHAT DID YOU DO?

I AGREED TO DELIVER A BABY, JUST LIKE I DO EVERY DAY.

IN AFRICA, WITH ME DAYS AWAY FROM HAVING HIS CHILD.

QUICK, TURN ON THE NEWS. ANINA HARPER JUST HAD HER BABY. OH, MY GOD.

OH! I'M HAPPY TO REPORT

THAT EVERYTHING WENT ACCORDING TO PLAN,

AND MOTHER AND CHILD ARE DOING VERY WELL. (man) WE INTERRUPT THIS PROGRAM FOR BREAKING NEWS.

CIVIL WAR HAS ERUPTED IN DJIBOUTI.

APPARENTLY, ACTRESS ANINA HARPER AND HER BABY

WERE ABLE TO ESCAPE IN A PRIVATE PLANE,

BUT NOT HER OBSTETRICIAN, DR. RYAN GIBSON.

I AM EIGHT AND A HALF MONTHS PREGNANT,

AND MY HUSBAND IS TRAPPED IN A WAR ZONE!

DANA, WHILE RYAN IS AWAY,

I WANT YOU TO MOVE IN HERE WITH US.

(bell rings)

YES?

I'M KIND OF IN THE MOOD FOR A GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICH.

HOW LONG IS THIS NONSENSE GONNA LAST?

(baby wailing)

(groans)

CHERYL.

UGH. WHAT?

THOSE CATS ARE FIGHTING IN THE ALLEY AGAIN.

IT'S NOT CATS. IT'S DANA'S BABY.

RIGHT. TUCKER.

TANNER...

AND HE'S COLICKY.

RIGHT.

(wailing continues)

WHAT'S COLICKY?

NOBODY KNOWS,

BUT IT MEANS HE'S AWAKE AND SCREAMING.

RIGHT.

I'M ABOUT TO GET COLICKY.

AAH! (groans)

(whispers) CHERYL, I CAN'T GET THE BABY TO SLEEP.

WHY ARE YOU WHISPERING? GET THE BABY TO WHISPER.

ALL RIGHT. COME ON.

LET'S GIVE THIS BABY SOME FOOD.

WHY DON'T YOU PUT HIM IN A SWING?

THAT'LL CALM HIM DOWN.

WE DON'T HAVE A SWING.

I MEAN AT THE PARK.

(wailing continues)

AAH! WHAT THE...

WHAT THE... WHAT? WHAT?

DADDY, THE BABY WOKE ME UP.

OH, OKAY.

ARE YOU GETTING ME A PONY FOR MY BIRTHDAY?

'CAUSE, YOU KNOW, I'D RIDE IT TO SCHOOL,

AND THEN YOU WOULDN'T HAVE TO TAKE ME.

WHY ARE WE TALKING ABOUT A PONY?

AUNT DANA SAID YOU WANTED TO.

DANA.

(sighs) ALL RIGHT. COME ON.

YOU GO TO SLEEP,

AND I'LL BUY YOU WHATEVER YOU WANT.

I'M NAMING HIM CINNAMON.

GO... TO... SLEEP.

I HEARD YOU GUYS TALKING. ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT ME?

WHY WOULD WE BE TALKING ABOUT YOU, RUBY?

I KNOW. CAN YOU BELIEVE HER?

SHE'S ALWAYS LIKE THIS.

WELL, WE'LL FINISH TALKING LATER.

RUBY, WE WERE NOT TALKING ABOUT YOU.

COME ON. GET UP HERE AND GO TO SLEEP.

RIGHT NOW.

(sighs)

WHAT?!

COME ON, GUYS. I'M GONNA MISS MY BUS.

♪♪♪

OH, POOR JIM. HE'S EXHAUSTED.

YEAH. GO GET YOUR CAMERA.

I'LL FIND SOMETHING TO STICK IN HIS MOUTH.

OH. (Tanner crying)

CATS IN THE ALLEY. CATS IN THE ALLEY.

HONEY, IT'S 8:00.

YOU GOTTA GET READY FOR WORK.

RIGHT. WORK... YEAH.

WHERE I OPERATE HEAVY MACHINERY.

OH, MY GOD! DANA.

I DIDN'T REALIZE THE SNACK BAR WAS OPEN SO EARLY.

JIM, SHE'S BREAST-FEEDING. IT'S PERFECTLY NATURAL.

OH, GOD MADE BOOBS

TO MAKE WOMEN'S VOLLEYBALL MORE INTERESTING, NOT FOR THAT.

DON'T LISTEN TO HIM, TANNER.

MOMMY'S BREASTS ARE NOT SEX OBJECTS,

UNLESS SHE WANTS A PROMOTION WHEN SHE GOES BACK TO WORK.

CHERYL, THIS IS NOT WORKING FOR ME.

HAVING THIS BABY IN THE HOUSE IS JUST NOT WORKING FOR ME.

I CAN'T GET ANY SLEEP, THIS PLACE SMELLS LIKE DIAPERS,

AND WE HAVEN'T HAD SEX FOREVER. EW!

WE HAD SEX TWO NIGHTS AGO.

TWO NIGHTS AGO? FOREVER!

OH. OH, JEEZ. JIM, WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT THE BIG DEAL IS!

THE BIG DEAL IS I'M SO TIRED,

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I'M YELLING ABOUT!

HONEY, MAYBE YOU SHOULD SPEND A NIGHT IN A HOTEL.

YEAH, I'M GONNA SPEND $29.95 TO SLEEP IN A HOTEL.

$29.95? WHERE ARE YOU STAYING?

THEY'RE OUT THERE, CHERYL.

IF YOU'RE NOT ALLERGIC TO COUPONS, THEY'RE OUT THERE.

HONEY, I-I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

BABIES CRY. THERE IS NO EASY ANSWER.

(Jim) OH, CHERYL.

♪ SKIDDILY-BOP, SKIDDILY-BOP, BEEDILY-BOP-BOP ♪

♪ A DOOTEN-DOT, A DOOTEN-DOT, A DOOTEN-DO-DAH ♪

MORNING ALL, HUH?

WHOA, SISTER BOOB. GROSS.

COME ON, JIM. I'M FULL OF PEP TODAY.

LET'S JOG. I AM NOT JOGGING TO WORK.

NO, NO, NO, TO THE CAR. WORK'S, LIKE, 2 MILES AWAY.

I'M PEPPY, NOT SUICIDAL.

JIM, WHY DON'T YOU STAY AT ANDY'S TONIGHT?

IF JIM STAYS AT ANDY'S, WE CAN PUT TANNER'S CRADLE IN MY ROOM.

IT'LL BE EASIER WHEN HE WAKES UP IN THE NIGHT. (Dana) YEAH.

AND I CAN GET A GOOD NIGHT'S REST.

OKAY, BUT YOU GOTTA LEAVE IF I GET A BOOTY CALL

FROM ONE OF M'LADIES.

I'LL TAKE M'CHANCES.

SWITCHING SIDES.

(groans)

RIGHT. HERE WE ARE, JIM.

HERE WE ARE.

YEP.

HUH? WE GOT THE WHOLE NIGHT AHEAD OF US. (laughs)

THERE IS NO LIMIT TO THE AMOUNT OF FUN WE CAN HAVE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I LIKE, ANDY?

TV.

AS DO I, MY FRIEND, BUT TONIGHT IS SPECIAL.

LET US PAY A VISIT...

TO THE CABINET OF AMUSEMENT.

(electrical humming)

HMM. IS IT A LITTLE DIM?

(high-pitched whirring)

WHAT SUITS YOUR FANCY, JIM? OH.

HUH, BOARD GAME? NAY.

NAY, TOO TAME... TOO TAME FOR A MAN OF YOUR STATURE.

A VIDEO GAME, PERHAPS?

WE HAVE FIRST-PERSON SHOOTER, REAL-TIME STRATEGY,

FANTASY... BOTH ELF AND ALIEN,

OR WE CAN KICK IT OLD SCHOOL WITH MY HOMEBOY "FROGGER."

UM, I THINK, UH...

I THINK I LIKE TV.

ARE YOU SURE? HUH? CHECK THIS OUT.

GIVE ME A C-SHARP.

(humming high note)

(shelf whooshes)

(laughs)

NERF BAZOOKA TAG.

ONLY ONE RULE...

NO MERCY,

BUT TIME-OUTS FOR BATHROOM BREAKS.

NO, JUST TV AND SILENCE.

ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT?

REALLY? I JUST ASK FOR WHAT I WANT AND I GET IT,

AND THERE'S NO DISCUSSION?

JIM, WE'RE NOT MARRIED.

I'M NOT CHERYL.

WOULD YOU CARE TO DRIVE?

UH, YES. (laughs) (laughs)

(TV playing) WOW. THIS IS GREAT.

YOU KNOW, I THINK THE GAYS ARE ON TO SOMETHING HERE.

THEY ARE DEFINITELY LIVING THE DREAM.

YEAH.

YOU KNOW, APART FROM THE WHOLE KISSING GUYS THING.

YEAH, KISSING...

WELL, THIS IS... THIS IS VERY CIVILIZED LIVING, ANDY.

MM.

YOU KNOW, CHERYL'S PROBABLY SITTING OVER THERE

THINKING WE'RE ACTING LIKE APES WHEN IN FACT... BOOBS.

NICE.

♪ BEEDILY-BOP-BOP-BOP-BOP, DIYA-DOW ♪

♪ BA-LA-LOM, BA-LA-LOM ♪

♪ BEEDILY-BOP-BOP-BOP-BOP, BAH-DAH-BAH-YOW ♪

♪ BOW BOW ♪

(both harmonizing) ♪ BOW BOW ♪

(both laughing)

AHH, MY SUMMER HOME.

I SEE THE CARETAKER IS KEEPING IT UP.

(Tanner wailing)

OH! I DON'T WANNA COME BACK.

I DON'T WANNA COME BACK, ANDY, NOT NOW, NOT YET!

I KNOW. I KNOW.

HEY, YOU CAN STAY ANOTHER NIGHT AT MY PLACE,

UNLESS ONE OF M'LADIES... M'LADIES AREN'T COMING OVER!

AH, WHO AM I KIDDING? IT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

CHERYL'S NOT GONNA LET ME STAY AT YOUR PLACE AGAIN.

I KNOW HER. SHE WON'T BE ABLE TO TAKE IT.

SHE'S GONNA MISS HER MAN.

♪ TIP-TOP, BEEDILY-BOP, BAH-DAH-BAH-BAH ♪

♪ TIP-TOP, BEEDILY-BOP ♪

HEY. I'LL, UH, I'LL GET US SOME COFFEE.

HEY, UH, YOU KNOW, DANA'S FEEDING THE BABY IN THERE.

NAH, I'M FINE.

(Andy) JEEPERS!

IT LOOKS LIKE A HAIRLESS CAMEL.

SO... GET A GOOD NIGHT'S REST AT ANDY'S?

OH, GREAT.

YEAH. THAT GOOD, HUH?

NO, NOT THAT... I MEAN, IT WAS REALLY JUST OKAY.

IT WAS, UH, EH, ADEQUATE. (yawns)

UH-HUH.

HOW ARE THINGS HERE? FUN.

FUN? YEAH.

GOOD. YEAH, WE GAVE TANNER A BATH.

FUN! YEAH, I KNOW. BE NICE TO HAVE YOU HOME, THOUGH.

OH, I AM SO GLAD TO BE HOME. OH, YEAH.

UNLESS...

DO YOU THINK YOU NEED ANOTHER NIGHT?

AT ANDY'S?

UH, I DON'T KNOW. I MEAN, DO YOU THINK IT'S BEST?

WELL, I THINK WHATEVER'S BEST,

YOU KNOW, FOR YOU AND LITTLE BABY TREXLER.

TANNER.

TANNER.

YEAH, I MEAN, UH, SHE'S THE IMPORTANT ONE RIGHT NOW.

YEAH, I REALLY AGREE,

BUT SHE'S A BOY.

RIGHT. (inhales sharply)

WELL, I GUESS IT'S SETTLED THEN, HUH?

YEAH. IT'S GONNA BE TOUGH TO BE APART.

OH, BABY, I KNOW. I KNOW... AW.

BUT IT'S WHAT'S RIGHT FOR THE FAMILY. YEAH, IT IS.

YEAH, WE'LL MUDDLE THROUGH. OUR LOVE IS STRONG.

AW. MMM.

MWAH.

♪ DEEDILY-BOP-BOP-BOP, AY-DEEDILY-DEEDILY ♪

(Madness) ♪ OUR HOUSE ♪

♪ IN THE MIDDLE OF OUR STREET ♪

♪ OUR HOUSE ♪

♪ IN THE MIDDLE OF OUR ♪

♪ OUR HOUSE, IT HAS A CROWD ♪

♪ THERE'S ALWAYS SOMETHING HAPPENING ♪

♪ AND IT'S USUALLY QUITE LOUD ♪

♪ OUR MUM, SHE'S SO HOUSE PROUD ♪

♪ NOTHING EVER SLOWS HER DOWN ♪

♪ AND A MESS IS NOT ALLOWED ♪

♪ OUR HOUSE ♪

♪ IN THE MIDDLE OF OUR STREET ♪

♪ OUR HOUSE ♪

♪ IN THE MIDDLE OF OUR ♪

♪ OUR HOUSE ♪

♪ IN THE MIDDLE OF OUR STREET ♪

♪ OUR HOUSE ♪ ♪ SOMETHING TELLS YOU ♪

♪ IN THE MIDDLE OF OUR ♪ ♪ THAT YOU'VE GOT TO MOVE AWAY FROM IT ♪

♪ FATHER GETS UP LATE FOR WORK ♪

♪ MOTHER HAS TO IRON HIS SHIRT ♪

♪ THEN SHE SENDS THE KIDS TO SCHOOL ♪

♪ SEES THEM OFF WITH A SMALL KISS ♪ ♪ OUR HOUSE ♪

♪ SHE'S THE ONE THEY'RE GOING TO MISS ♪

♪ IN LOTS OF WAYS ♪

♪♪♪

HEY. HEY.

HOW ARE THE KIDS? GREAT.

WANT SOME SEX? YOU BET.

♪ OUR HOUSE, IN THE MIDDLE OF OUR STREET ♪

♪ OUR HOUSE ♪

♪ IN THE MIDDLE OF OUR ♪

♪ I REMEMBER WAY BACK THEN, WHEN EVERYTHING WAS TRUE ♪

♪ AND WHEN WE WOULD HAVE SUCH A VERY GOOD TIME ♪

♪ SUCH A FINE TIME, SUCH A HAPPY TIME ♪

♪ AND I REMEMBER HOW WE'D PLAY, SIMPLY WASTE THE DAY AWAY ♪

♪ THEN WE'D SAY NOTHING WOULD COME BETWEEN US ♪

(doorbell rings) ♪ SKEE-DEE-BAH-BAH... BAH-BAH-DAH-DEE-DAH-DAH-DAH-DO-LOO ♪

HEY! HEY. HERE'S YOUR SHIRT FOR TOMORROW.

OH, THANK YOU. THANK YOU. YOU'RE WELCOME.

OH, OH, OH, OH, OH, HERE. GIVE THIS TO DANA.

SHE WANTED TO BORROW ANDY'S NIPPLE CREAM. OH, RIGHT.

SO... YEAH?

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA BE DOING? OH, WE'RE GONNA GIVE TANNER A BATH.

WE THINK TONIGHT MIGHT BE THE NIGHT

HIS UMBILICAL CORD FALLS OFF. FUN!

I KNOW! DO YOU WANT US TO SAVE IT FOR YOU?

JUST TAKE A PICTURE. GOOD NIGHT, SWEETIE. MWAH.

UH, YOU DON'T MISS ME NOW, DO YOU?

OH, HONEY. I DON'T MISS YOU. YOU'RE RIGHT ACROSS THE STREET.

ALL RIGHT, AS LONG AS YOU DON'T MISS ME. GOOD NIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT.

♪ DEE-BAH-DEE-BAH-DEE-BOP ♪

(laughs)

ALL RIGHT, ANDY. COME ON. LET'S PLAY.

(grunting)

ANDY!

I CAN'T GET THE CABINET OF AMUSEMENT OPEN.

I CAN'T HELP YOU, JIM.

I'M AFRAID I HAVE PLANS THIS EVENING.

WHY ARE YOU DRESSED LIKE A PILGRIM?

HAVE YOU BEEN IN A CAVE? I'M HARRY POTTER...

(British accent) AND THE LATEST INSTALLMENT

HITS BOOKSTORES TONIGHT.

WOULD YOU CARE TO JOIN US?

(British accent) MAN, I'M AFRAID I CAN'T.

YOU SEE, I'VE HAD SEX WITH A WOMAN.

(normal voice) MUGGLE.

(normal voice) WHAT? WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?

YEAH. IF YOU DON'T KNOW, YOU ARE ONE.

ENCABINATION LEVITOSA.

(electrical humming) ALL RIGHT. I'LL CATCH YOU LATER.

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, ANDY. COME ON. COME ON.

WE CAN PLAY "FROGGER."

MNH. DO YOUR NERD THING TOMORROW.

I DID NOT SPEND THREE WEEKS HAND-SEWING THIS COSTUME

TO BE CALLED A NERD. GOOD DAY, SIR.

ANDY!

I SAID GOOD DAY!

ALL RIGHT. LET'S SEE WHAT I'M IN THE MOOD FOR.

(sighs)

UHH!

(making whooshing sounds)

(imitates sputtering)

(laughs)

OH, ANDY.

WHAT THE HELL?

OOH. WHAT THE HELL?!

IT'S 3:00 IN THE MORNING, MISTER!

JIM, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY HOUSE?

OH, MY GOD. MY FIRST-PERSON SHOOTERS

ARE MIXED WITH MY MULTIPLAYER ONLINE GAMES.

WHAT... WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?

OOH. WHAT THE HELL... IS WRONG WITH YOU?! I DON'T KNOW.

YOU LEFT ME ALONE HERE ALL NIGHT WITH MY THOUGHTS.

WHA... USUALLY WHEN THAT HAPPENS,

CHERYL COMES DOWN AND KICKS THEM OUT FOR ME.

OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.

WHAT... WHAT... WHAT... WHAT ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT?

I DON'T KNOW. OH.

OKAY. THAT'S IT! (door opens overhead)

STOP MESSING WITH MY TOYS! (darts rattling)

(grunts)

STOP THAT!

STOP THAT RIGHT NOW!

WELL, WHAT'S GOING ON?!

WHY DOESN'T CHERYL MISS ME?

OH.

COME ON!

THIS WHOLE THING IS ABOUT CHERYL? YEAH!

OH, GREAT, JIM, BUT INSTEAD OF WALKING ACROSS THE STREET

AND HAVING A CONVERSATION WITH HER...

(laughs) YOU HAVE DESTROYED THE PRECIOUS RESULTS

OF A LIFETIME OF METICULOUS COLLECTING!

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I BET THE GAYS ARE MUCH MORE SUPPORTIVE OF EACH OTHER.

(sighs)

WHOA.

I DIDN'T EVEN SEE THAT COM... COMING IN.

DID YOU SEE THAT? WHAT?

WELL, THERE'S A... THERE'S A BANNER OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE

THAT SAYS, "I MISS JIM."

REALLY? NO!

OH! ANDY! ANDY!

GO HOME! TALK TO YOUR WIFE!

(static)

OH.

(computerized male voice) TARGET ACQUIRED. HEY.

BEGIN BOMBING RUN. SHH! SHH! NO BOMBS. NO BOMBS.

(sound of bombs dropping)

CEASE FIRE. CEASE FIRE!

MAYDAY!

(Tanner wailing)

(groans)

(Dana) I HAVE A GUN, AND I'M NOT AFRAID TO USE IT!

DANA, IT'S ME, JIM!

I KNOW!

JIM, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? YOU WOKE THE BABY.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M SICK AND TIRED OF HEARING ABOUT THAT STUPID BABY.

PUT A BOOB IN HIS MOUTH, AND HE'LL BE FINE.

WELL, HONEY, CAN'T THE SAME BE SAID OF YOU?

DON'T DISTRACT ME, CHERYL.

OH.

OUR MARRIAGE IS IN TROUBLE, AND I'M NOT LIKE YOU.

I WON'T GIVE UP WITHOUT A FIGHT.

WHAT?

I KNOW YOU GOT THE TASTE OF THE SWEET LIFE WITHOUT ME,

BUT I AM YOUR HUSBAND,

AND YOU'RE GONNA LIVE WITH ME WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT!

HONEY, OUR MARRIAGE IS FINE.

BELIEVE ME, IF THERE WERE A PROBLEM,

I'D SEE IT WAY BEFORE YOU.

HOW WOULD YOU EVEN KNOW THAT?

WE DON'T EVEN SHARE ANYTHING ANYMORE TOGETHER.

YOU DON'T EVEN MISS ME!

I MISS YOU.

NO, YOU DON'T. THAT'S NOT WHAT YOU SAID.

YOU SAID, "GO OVER TO ANDY'S. I DON'T CARE.

YOU'RE WORTHLESS TO ME!"

I'M PARAPHRASING.

WELL, I DO MISS YOU.

WHEN I SAID I DIDN'T,

I WAS PRACTICING RELATIONSHIP MANAGEMENT.

RELATIONSHIP MA...

YOU MEAN YOU... YOU... YOU LIED?

RELATIONSHIP MANAGEMENT.

JIM, I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO COME HOME BECAUSE I MISSED YOU.

I WANTED YOU TO COME HOME BECAUSE YOU WANTED TO.

CHERYL...

I-I TORE APART ANDY'S HOUSE.

I BROKE ALL OF HIS TOYS.

ALONE WITH YOUR THOUGHTS, HUH?

FOR HOURS.

THEY JUST KEPT ROLLIN' AND ROLLIN' AND ROLLIN'.

BABY, YOU'RE HOME NOW. YOU DON'T HAVE TO THINK ANYMORE.

DID YOU REALLY MISS ME?

I REALLY MISSED YOU.

WHAT DID YOU MISS MOST ABOUT ME?

YOUR HOT BODY.

YES! AWESOME!

YEP. I HAD TO WEAR SOCKS AT NIGHT 'CAUSE I COULDN'T TUCK

MY COLD FEET UP AGAINST YOUR SEXY BUTT.

SEXY BUTT, YEAH. AWESOME.

(chuckles)

YEAH. LET'S GO TO BED.

YEAH, ABOUT THAT, UM,

HONEY, DANA'S IN OUR BED.

THAT'S NOT AWESOME.

NO. YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SLEEP ON THE COUCH.

I'M TIRED.

OH, I KNOW, SWEETIE.

I'LL SLEEP LIKE A BABY.

OKAY. GOOD.

I'LL SLEEP LIKE A BABY...

AS LONG AS YOU'RE IN THE HOUSE...

I'M IN THE HOUSE...

YOU KNOW I'M IN THE HOUSE...

AND YOU LIKE IT.

I DO. LAY DOWN.

YOU KNOW WHAT? AHH.

I'M GONNA TELL DANA TOMORROW

THAT IT'S TIME FOR HER TO GO HOME.

OH, CHERYL. YOU'RE GONNA KICK YOUR SISTER OUT OF THE HOUSE?

FOR ME?

I AM.

THAT'S AWESOME.

(chuckles)

DID RYAN GET A FLIGHT HOME FROM AFRICA?

HE DID.

SO SHE WAS GONNA GO TOMORROW ANYWAY, RIGHT?

YEAH, SHE WAS.

SO YOU LIED AGAIN?

RELATIONSHIP MANAGEMENT.

(sighs)

AWESOME.

(Tanner crying)

GOOD NIGHT, TINKER.

(Tanner wailing loudly)

TUCKER. TUCKER.

TUCKER! TREXLER!