Original subtitles

(grunting)

(panting)

(grunts)

♪♪♪

OH! I HOPE THIS IS WHAT I THINK IT IS.

"CUTIES GONE CRAZY"... THE MOVIE.

OOH! IT IS! IT IS WHAT I THINK IT IS!

HA HA HA! BOOBIES.

YOU KNOW WHAT I LOVE ABOUT THESE FILMS?

YOU ALWAYS THINK THAT

THAT GIRL IS SO SWEET, SHE'LL NEVER SHOW 'EM.

THEN SOMETHING MAGICAL HAPPENS, AND SHE DOES.

YEP, MY COLLEGE BUDDY STEVE SENT ME THIS,

AND HE SAYS THE HOTTEST CHICK HE'S EVER SEEN IS ON THIS THING.

"CUTIES GONE CRAZY: SPRING BREAK FLORIDA"...

SOLID INSTALLMENT.

BEST YOU CAN DO ON AMERICAN SOIL, ANYWAY.

INTERNATIONAL WATERS...

THAT'S WHERE THE REAL ACTION IS.

WAIT A MINUTE. YOU'VE SEEN THIS ONE ALREADY?

I'VE SEEN THEM ALL. HOW FAR IN IS SHE? HE SAID 20 MINUTES.

20 MINUTES, HUH? YEAH, I HAVEN'T SEEN HER.

DON'T JUDGE ME.

AREN'T YOU EVEN A LITTLE CURIOUS ABOUT WHAT'S GOING ON IN THERE?

THERE'S THREE MEN IN THERE,

AND THE KIDS ARE OUT OF THE HOUSE.

THEY'RE EITHER LIGHTING FARTS OR WATCHING PORN.

WHAT IF CHERYL AND DANA COME IN?

OH, COME ON, DOC. THIS IS NOT THE FIRST TIME

ANDY AND I HAVE ENJOYED SOPHISTICATED EROTICA.

WE HAVE A SYSTEM. AND GO.

I GOT THE LOOKOUT. I HIT THE INPUT BUTTON. IT GOES RIGHT TO ESPN.

IF THEY COME IN, CODE WORD IS "WHIRLYBIRD."

REPEAT, WHIRLYBIRD. COME BACK.

WHIRLYBIRD. (clicks tongue)

DOC, HE SAID, "COME BACK."

WHIRLYBIRD.

ANDY, WE ARE GO FOR BOOBIES.

(laughs)

DON'T WATCH ME.

UGH. WELL, YOU MAY NOT CARE, BUT I DO.

I'M TAKING A PEEK.

(all) NICE.

OH, MY GOD. CHERYL, THEY'RE WATCHING "CUTIES GONE CRAZY."

THEY'RE WATCHING WHAT?

"CUTIES GONE CRAZY." THEY'RE GONNA SEE US FLASH THE CAMERA.

OH, NO! OH, OH, OH.

OKAY. OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU KNOW WHAT?

CALM DOWN. CALM DOWN.

THERE ARE, LIKE, 500 OF THOSE.

I MEAN, WH... WHAT ARE THE ODDS

THAT THEY'RE WATCHING FORT LAUDERDALE? YEAH.

(man) SO, AMBER, HOW DO YOU LIKE FORT LAUDERDALE?

CRAP! CRAP! OH, SHOOT! OH, WE'RE DEAD! WE'RE DEAD! WE'RE DEAD!

WE'RE DEAD! WE'RE DEAD! NO!

I DON'T WANT MY HUSBAND TO SEE ME TOPLESS.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. ALL RIGHT. (clears throat)

YOU KNOW WHAT? THEY OBVIOUSLY HAVEN'T SEEN US YET...

(quietly) OKAY. SO YOU ARE GONNA FOLLOW MY LEAD, OKAY?

OKAY. WE'LL GET THROUGH THIS TOGETHER.

OKAY. (whispers) OKAY.

SO, MARGO, HOW OLD ARE YOU?

(Margo) 18.

(men) DAMN, GIRL.

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU WATCHING?

WHIRLYBIRD! WHIRLYBIRD!

WE'RE WATCHING SOME, UH, ESPN, BABY.

COME ON. YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE, UH...

MEN'S FIGURE SKATING.

OH, WHAT THE HELL? WHAT AM I TRYING TO HIDE ANYTHING FOR?

WE'RE WATCHING DRUNK GIRLS TAKE THEIR TOPS OFF.

OH, YOU KNOW WHAT? NO, NO, NO. OFF. TURN IT OFF! COME ON, COME ON, COME ON.

JIM, OFF! SIT DOWN AND WATCH IT. HAVE A GOOD...

OH, MY GOD! I'M HAVING MY BABY! WHAT?! WHAT?!

EVENTUALLY, AND I DON'T WANT OUR UNBORN CHILD

TO SEE THIS FILTH.

TURN IT OFF! NO, NO, LET THESE GIRLS PUMP UP THE TIRES.

YOU CAN STILL RIDE THE BIKE.

YOU KNOW WHAT? NO. I WANT IT OFF. (Dana) JIM, JUST TURN IT OFF.

GET AWAY FROM ME, CHERYL. NO, I WANT IT OFF. I WANT IT OFF.

(Andy) EASY. HEY, THERE, GORGEOUS. WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

(crowd cheering) DANA!

(men) OH... MY... GOD.

YOU HAVING A GOOD TIME, DANA?

NO. NO, I'M NOT.

YOU TOOK OFF YOUR TOP

IN A "CUTIES GONE CRAZY" VIDEO?

YEAH, I...

I TOLD YOU ABOUT THAT.

DIDN'T I?

NO, DANA, YOU DIDN'T.

YOU SAID YOU COULD ROLLER-SKATE AND BAKE.

BUT DRUNKEN BAR-FLASHER NEVER CAME UP.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT, DOC. DOC, EASY. "EASY"?

EASY... LIKE DANA ON SPRING BREAK. (Cheryl) OH.

JIM. YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M OUT OF HERE.

I'M SORRY. I'M TRYING. NO, DOC, COME ON. NO, COME ON, MAN. HEY, HEY, HEY! COME ON, MAN. COME ON, HUH?

HEY, WE PAUSED IT BEFORE WE SAW BOOBS,

SO NO ONE HAS TO GO TO HELL OR ANYTHING.

YEAH. COME ON, RYAN, IT WAS YEARS AGO.

WE ALL DO STUPID THINGS.

I MEAN, WHAT WERE YOU DOING RIGHT OUT OF SCHOOL?

I WAS IN AFRICA, WORKING WITH DOCTORS WITHOUT BORDERS

VACCINATING ORPHANS.

OOH, WELL,

SO IF THEY HAD PARENTS, YOU WOULDN'T VACCINATE 'EM?

PFFT. THAT'S KINDA MESSED UP.

ALL I DID WAS LIFT MY SHIRT UP.

HEY, HEY, HEY. COME ON, RYAN.

THIS HAPPENED BEFORE YOU EVEN KNEW HER. YEAH.

YOU'RE JUST GONNA HAVE TO GET OVER IT.

"GET OVER IT"? YEAH.

IF CHERYL HAD DONE THIS, YOU WOULDN'T GET OVER IT.

YOU'D GO BALLISTIC. BALLISTIC? NOT JIM.

YEAH, AND BESIDES, IT WASN'T CHERYL. IT WAS DANA.

JUST DANA.

RIGHT.

SO, UH, SO, DOC, LIGHTEN UP A LITTLE BIT.

LOOK, HER BIG SECRET IS OUT NOW.

THE BEST WE CAN DO IS WATCH IT AND MAKE FUN OF HER. COME ON.

NO! I MEAN, NO, WE... WE SHOULD EAT.

LET'S ALL GO IN THE KITCHEN.

OOH, I'M HUNGRY. NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. YOU KNOW WHAT, CHERYL?

THEY ALREADY KNOW I'M ON IT,

SO WHY DON'T WE ALL JUST SIT DOWN

AND WATCH THE WHOLE THING?

YOU KNOW WHAT? WHAT THE HELL?

THIS IS GONNA HAUNT ME FOREVER IF WE DON'T SEE IT,

SO LET'S SEE IT.

YEAH, WAY TO MAN UP, RYAN. LOVE THAT. I'M PROUD OF YOU.

(Ryan) THANK YOU. WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

I-I-I-I... I'M GONNA KEEP MY EYES CLOSED.

TELL ME WHEN THE NEXT HOTTIE COMES UP. COME ON, ANDY. HOW BAD CAN IT BE?

(man) DO IT. (Dana) ...HAVING A DRUNK TIME.

BUT I'M REALLY, REALLY GREAT.

(man) WELL, YOU KNOW WHO WE ARE,

AND YOU KNOW WHAT WE WANT, RIGHT? (cheering)

COME ON, DANA! LET'S SEE 'EM! WHAT?

LET'S SEE 'EM, DANA! NO, I DON'T THINK SO!

(crowd chanting) DO IT! DO IT! DO IT! I DON'T THINK SO.

DANA, COME ON.

YOU HAVE A FANTASTIC BODY. SHARE IT WITH US. GET LOST!

DANA, I'LL GIVE YOU A FREE T-SHIRT. ALL RIGHT.

(cheering)

BUY ONE, GET ONE FREE! YEAH!

CHERYL DID IT, TOO.

(gasps) WHAT?!

THANKS A LOT! OH, IT'S EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF.

COME ON, PLAY THE VIDEO. SHE FLASHED HIM RIGHT AFTER I DID.

WHAT?!

BOTH MY SISTERS?!

SORRY, POP.

THIS MUST BE LIKE GETTING HIT BY THAT BUS ALL OVER AGAIN.

WAIT, WAIT. YOU'RE TELLING ME YOU FLASHED YOURSELF

INTO A BAR ROOM FULL OF PEOPLE?!

DANA DID IT FIRST. I FELT A LOT OF PEER PRESSURE.

"PRESSURE"? CHERYL, PRESSURE? PRESSURE? YOU'RE ON FILM NOW.

YOU'RE... YOU'RE ON VIDEO. THE WHOLE WORLD'S GONNA SEE IT.

EASY, JIM. YOU'RE JUST GONNA HAVE TO GET OVER IT.

DON'T GO THROWING MY WORDS BACK AT ME.

IF I WANTED MY ADVICE,

I'D LISTEN TO MYSELF WHEN I TALK.

I THOUGHT IT WASN'T THAT BIG A DEAL.

WELL, IT'S NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL.

I MEAN, COME ON, WE WERE ALL YOUNG, RIGHT?

WE ALL MAKE STUPID MISTAKES WHEN WE'RE YOUNG.

I MEAN, I KNOW I DID. RIGHT.

I MEAN, I DID A REALLY STUPID THING IN COLLEGE.

I ACTUALLY SHAVED MY INITIALS INTO A SHETLAND PONY.

YEAH. IT'S LIKE THAT, JIM. IT'S LIKE THE PONY.

YEAH. (laughs) COME ON.

I LIKE THAT MY GIRL HAD A WILD TIME WHEN SHE WAS YOUNG. (Cheryl) YEAH.

YOU HAD A LITTLE WILD STREAK. DON'T SEE IT ANYMORE.

(laughs) ALL RIGHT. WHY DON'T WE JUST WATCH IT AND HAVE SOME FUN?

BUT TH-THEN, LET ME LEAVE FIRST.

ALL RIGHT? I'M DONE WITH SMUT.

I'M GONNA GO HOME, GET RID OF MY ENTIRE PORN COLLECTION.

IT'S NO FUN WHEN YOU THINK OF GIRLS

AS PEOPLE WITH LIVES AND FAMILIES.

THANKS A LOT, SKANKS!

ALL RIGHT. BACK TO BOOBIEFEST. (sighs)

AND WHO'S THIS LOVELY LADY? HI, I'M CHERYL.

HEY, I WANT TO SAY HI TO MY KIDS.

HEY, GIRLS! (laughs) ALL RIGHT, CHERYL.

WELL, WE SAID HI TO YOUR GIRLS. HOW ABOUT WE SAY HI TO YOURS?

MY GIRLS? YEAH.

OH, WHAT THE HELL?

OH, I'M SORRY. ARE YOU GONNA HAVE TO BEEP THAT OUT?

NO, WE'RE FINE. LET'S SEE THE GIRLS.

OKEY-DOKEY!

WAIT A SECOND.

"GIRLS"?

YOUR WEDDING RING IS ON.

YOU DID THIS WHEN YOU WERE MARRIED TO ME?!

AT LEAST I WAS A SINGLE SKANK.

OKEY-DOKEY! (VCR whirs)

OKEY-DOKEY! (VCR whirs)

OKEY-DOKEY! (VCR whirs)

OKEY-DOKEY! (VCR whirs)

OKEY-DOKEY!

JIM, WHY ARE YOU WATCHING THIS?

WELL, I KEEP THINKING

THAT THIS GIRL IS SO SWEET,

SHE'S NOT GONNA SHOW 'EM...

AND THEN SOMETHING HORRIBLE HAPPENS, AND SHE DOES.

(VCR whirs) ALL RIGHT. Y-YOU KNOW WHAT? JUST TURN IT OFF.

THE STEAKS ARE READY.

CHERYL, I THINK YOU'LL BE ABLE TO TELL HOW MAD I AM

WHEN I SAY, "I CAN'T EAT STEAK RIGHT NOW."

(sighs)

JIM.

HONEY, IT...

IT WAS ONE NIGHT, A LONG TIME AGO.

OH. UGH.

(sighs)

REMEMBER WHEN DANA AND I

WENT TO FLORIDA TO VISIT MY MOTHER?

OH, MY GOD. YOUR MOTHER'S IN THIS TAPE?

NO! SHE WATCHED THE GIRLS, AND DANA AND I WENT OUT.

YOU KNOW, I-I HAD TWO KIDS, I WAS TOTALLY OVERWHELMED.

I NEEDED TO GO OUT AND BLOW OFF SOME STEAM.

YOU DIDN'T BLOW OFF STEAM. YOU BLEW OFF YOUR SHIRT...

UGH. CHERYL MABEL.

DON'T YOU MIDDLE NAME ME, JAMES ORENTHAL!

WHO ELSE HAS SEEN OUR BOOBS?

"OUR BOOBS"? YEAH.

YOU KNOW, JIM, I'M PRETTY SURE THEY'RE MY BOOBS. (mutters) YOU KNOW, I MEAN,

I THOUGHT AT LEAST, I'D HAVE HALF OF 'EM.

I MEAN, I KNOW IT WASN'T WRITTEN IN THE WEDDING VOWS,

BUT I THOUGHT I HAD EXCLUSIVE VIEWING RIGHTS.

OH, WOULD YOU GET OFF YOUR HIGH HORSE?

YOU DROP YOUR PANTS

AND MAKE A FOOL OUT OF YOURSELF ALL THE TIME.

CHERYL, BUT NOBODY WANTS TO SEE ME NAKED.

I'M PUNISHING THOSE PEOPLE.

OH.

COME ON. HOW CAN YOU NOT FEEL BAD ABOUT THIS?

I MEAN, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?

AREN'T YOU THE LEAST BIT SORRY? NO, I'M NOT.

WHAT?! THE ONLY THING I'M SORRY ABOUT

IS WHAT I SPENT THE MONEY THEY GAVE ME ON.

UH, THEY... THEY... THEY GAVE YOU MONEY?

YEAH, AND, STUPIDLY,

I SPENT IT ON THAT CHAIR FOR YOU.

THAT CHAIR?

YES!

MY CHAIR?

YES!

(grunting)

HUH.

WHAT THE HELL?

CHERYL? CHERYL?

HEY, HONEY.

CHERYL, WHAT... WHAT ARE YOU...

WHAT'S GOING ON HERE? W-WHERE'S ALL OUR STUFF?

I PUT IT ON THE LAWN WITH THE CHAIR.

WHY'D YOU DO THAT?

WELL, YOU KNOW HOW THAT CHAIR REMINDED YOU

OF THE ONE ALLEGEDLY STUPID THING I DID?

WELL, I DECIDED TO THROW OUT ALL THE THINGS THAT REMIND ME

OF ALL THE TRULY STUPID STUFF YOU'VE DONE.

TURNS OUT, YOU'VE DONE A LOT OF STUPID STUFF.

WHAT? WHAT? THE FRONT LAWN IS FILLED...

CHERYL, THE PIANO?

WHAT IS THE PIANO DOING OUT THERE?

WELL, THE ONLY REASON WE HAD THE PIANO

IS BECAUSE YOU CONVINCED MY AUNT IT WAS BROKEN.

WHAT WAS WRONG WITH THAT? SHE'S DEAF!

CHERYL, HOW DID YOU EVEN GET THE PIANO OUTSIDE?

ANGER STRENGTH.

ANGER? YOU'RE ANGRY? YES.

WHAT ARE YOU ANGRY ABOUT? UGH!

I'M NOT THE "OKEY-DOKEY" GIRL.

NO, YOU'RE THE JERK!

WAIT. WAIT A MINUTE.

CHERYL, YOU CANNOT BE MAD AT ME

FOR THE WAY I'M BEING MAD AT YOU.

OH, NOW YOU GET TO DECIDE

HOW I CAN BE MAD AT THE WAY YOU'RE MAD?

YES... IF I HEARD YOU CORRECTLY.

IF NOT, NO! OH.

CHERYL, CHERYL, HOW DID YOU EVEN GET THE STUFF

OUT OF THIS HOUSE?

I KNOW YOU DIDN'T DO IT.

IF ANDY HELPED YOU, I'M GONNA KILL HIM.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. DON'T BLAME ANDY.

YOU BROUGHT THIS ON YOURSELF.

OH, SO THIS IS THE WAY IT'S GONNA BE, HUH?

YEAH, TILL YOU GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR BUTT.

(chuckles) THAT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN, BLONDIE.

I HAPPEN TO LIKE THE VIEW.

(scoffs) YOU KNOW WHAT?

I DON'T NEED ANY OF THIS STUFF ANYWAY.

SO THIS IS THE WAY IT'S GONNA BE, HUH?

WELL, IT'S GONNA BE THIS WAY

UNTIL YOU GROW UP AND SAY YOU'RE SORRY.

WELL, I AM SORRY...

THAT YOU THINK THAT'S EVER GONNA HAPPEN.

DON'T JUDGE ME.

SOMETHING'S DIFFERENT.

DID YOU CHANGE YOUR HAIR?

VERY FUNNY.

YOUR SISTER'S THE ONE THAT'S OVERREACTING FOR A CHANGE.

OH, YEAH, AND YOU'RE BEING SO LEVELHEADED.

WHAT? COME ON. TELL ME.

RYAN... DID HE GET OVER YOU BEING IN THE VIDEO?

ACTUALLY, YEAH, HE DID,

BECAUSE I TOLD HIM THAT I MADE A MISTAKE,

AND I WAS REALLY, REALLY SORRY

THAT HE HAD TO FIND OUT THE WAY HE DID.

RIGHT THERE, THAT'S IT.

THAT... THAT'S AN APOLOGY. THAT'S ALL I NEED.

AN APOLOGY AND MAYBE A SLIGHTLY BIGGER TV.

WHY CAN'T SHE APOLOGIZE?

WHY CAN'T SHE JUST SAY, "I'M SORRY"?

LOOK, WHY DON'T YOU

TRY LOOKING AT THIS FROM CHERYL'S POINT OF VIEW?

OKEY-DOKEY.

I'M LISTENIN'.

THE TRUTH IS...

COME ON.

THE TRUTH IS SHE IS SORRY.

OF COURSE SHE'S SORRY.

SHE WAS SORRY A HALF AN HOUR AFTER SHE DID IT.

THAT'S WHY SHE TOOK THE MONEY SHE MADE,

AND SHE SPENT IT ON THAT CHAIR... FOR YOU.

OKAY. CAN YOU LOOK AT IT FROM MY POINT OF VIEW?

DO I HAVE TO STICK MY HEAD UP YOUR BUTT?

MY POINT OF VIEW... REALLY SIMPLE...

SHE WAS THE ONE THAT DID SOMETHING WRONG,

SO NO MATTER HOW I REACT,

SHE'S THE ONE THAT HAS TO APOLOGIZE.

(sighs) IF I ADMIT THAT YOU'RE RIGHT,

WILL YOU GIVE ME A DEAL ON THAT SWORDFISH OUT THERE?

TAKE IT. I STOLE IT FROM THE CHURCH.

OH, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

THAT BELONGS OUT ON JACKASS ISLAND.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

I CALLED YOUR DEAF AUNT AND APOLOGIZED.

IT'S OKAY.

YOU APOLOGIZED TO A DEAF PERSON ON THE PHONE?

YES, THAT'S WHY I TALKED TO HER VERY SLOWLY.

BESIDES,

AN APOLOGY IS NOT ABOUT THE PERSON GETTING IT.

IT'S ABOUT THE PERSON MAKING IT.

VERY SUBTLE, JIM.

NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I'M VERY TIRED.

I THINK I'M GONNA TAKE A NAP.

GO AHEAD, SLEEP...

IF YOU CAN...

WITH THAT GUILTY CONSCIENCE OF YOURS.

I DON'T HAVE A GUILTY CONSCIENCE.

YOU'RE THE ONE WHO JUMPED DOWN MY THROAT!

BECAUSE YOU SCREWED UP, HONEY.

OKAY, THAT'S NOT EVEN THE POINT.

YES, IT IS THE POINT.

TRUST ME. I'VE BEEN DOWN THAT ROAD MANY TIMES.

(scoffs)

YEAH, I'VE BEEN DOWN

THE SCREWUP EXPRESSWAY SO MANY TIMES,

THEY'VE EVEN NAMED A REST STOP AFTER ME.

THIS IS YOUR FIRST TRIP DOWN THAT ROAD.

YOU WANT TO BE MAD AT ME

SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE MAD AT YOURSELF.

(chuckles) I AM NOT MAD AT MYSELF.

(scoffs)

(chuckles) CHERYL,

NOBODY, AND I MEAN NOBODY, LOVES YOUR BOOBS MORE THAN ME.

SO WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST SHOW ME THE TAPE?

WHY'D... NINE YEARS HAVE GONE BY.

WHAT, WERE YOU WAITING FOR THE DIRECTOR'S CUT?

I MEAN,

COME ON, HONEY.

NO.

WELL, THEN... THEN... THEN WHY?

(sighs)

I SHOULD NEVER HAVE DONE IT.

(sighs) I SHOULD NEVER HAVE DONE WHAT I DID IN THAT BAR.

I MEAN, I...

(sighs) I WASN'T THINKING ABOUT YOU

OR OUR RELATIONSHIP OR OUR FAMILY.

I JUST...

OH, HONEY.

I FEEL LIKE A TOTAL IDIOT.

I AM SO, SO SORRY.

DON'T BEAT YOURSELF UP. IT'S NO BIGGIE.

VERY FUNNY,

BUT IT IS A BIGGIE.

IT'S A PAIR OF BIGGIES.

OH.

WHAT DO YOU SAY...

WE GO UPSTAIRS AND HAVE SOME MAKEUP SEX?

WE DON'T HAVE A BED.

YOU KNOW ABOUT THE BED?

THE MANAGER OF THE NURSING HOME CALLED.

WELL...

WE CAN DO IT OUTSIDE ON THE BED.

JIM, I'M NOT THAT KIND OF GIRL.

I'LL GIVE YOU A FREE T-SHIRT.

OKEY-DOKEY.