Original subtitles

- ♪ MTV ♪

[both chuckling]

[rock music]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

- [chuckling]

We have beers.

We're gonna party.

- Yeah. [both chuckling]

It's gonna be cool. [chuckles]

- Whoa. Beavis, check it out.

- Eviction notice. - It's our landlord.

Maybe she heard about our party. [chuckles]

- Yeah, it's about time she lightened up a little.

[chuckles] Yeah.

- Uh...

hey, baby.

[chuckles] - Cut the shit.

You have 30 days to pay the rent,

or I'm gonna come back here and throw

your fat ass out the door.

- Yeah, if his ass even fits out the door.

[both laughing]

- Ah.

- This sucks, Butt-Head.

They're gonna throw us out of our apartment

if your fat ass fits out the door.

[chuckles]

- Wait a second, Beavis.

That gives me an idea. [chuckles]

- Yeah, we could, like, work and make some money

so that we can pay the rent--aah!

- No, dumbass.

What if, what if, Beavis,

what if my fat ass doesn't fit out the door?

[chuckles]

What if I get so fat, I can't fit through the door,

not my ass, not any part of me, not even my fat face?

Then we can stay here forever. [chuckles]

- I don't know, Butt-Head.

That's really fat.

- It will be a great challenge, Beavis.

But I know I have it in me.

- You said "in me."

[both chuckling]

- Ice.

Let's get some fruits in this bad boy.

- "Let's get some fruits in this bad boy."

[both chuckling]

- Fruit sucks.

- Rum!

- He's like, um,

"Well, this rum should kill the taste of the fruit."

[chuckles]

- Yeah. [chuckles]

If he didn't put that fruit in there,

he wouldn't need any rum.

[chuckles] - Uh, yeah, he would, yeah.

[chuckles] - Uh, oh, yeah.

[chuckles] - Uh, why's he doing this?

What is this? - Uh...

I think this is for, like, a five-year-old's

birthday party or something.

And the theme is alcoholism.

[chuckles] - Yeah. [chuckles]

- And then the piñata is just gonna be, like,

a drunk guy passed out on the sidewalk.

[chuckles]

- Whoa. [chuckles]

That's gonna be a good five-year-old birthday party

right there.

- And then they'll have, like,

a bouncy homeless shelter.

[chuckles]

- You know, Butt-Head, um, all kidding aside,

I just want to say, um, you know,

underage drinking is a real problem, you know?

- Exactly, Beavis.

That's an important message.

But the sad truth is, most young kids these days

aren't cool enough to underage drink.

[chuckles]

- Yeah. [chuckles] Yeah, stick to milk, losers.

[both chuckling]

- Let's save the wine for last,

OK, 'cause it's a special...

- You know, um-- you know, it's cool

that this guy is, like, making drinking fun again,

you know, 'cause, um--

'cause usually I just think of it

as something that I have to do, you know?

[chuckles]

- Yeah. [chuckles]

- Yeah, you know, it's like, "Eh, I don't want the shakes.

Got to do this again. Oh, boy."

[chuckles] - Yeah. [chuckles]

I drank, like, the first six beers because I have to.

And then the rest is for me.

[both chuckling]

- Yeah, it's about 12 for me.

[chuckles]

- Box wine! - [chuckles]

This video cost him custody of his children.

[both chuckling]

It's like, how did I know when I hit rock bottom?

Well, I have a video of it.

Here it is. [both chuckling]

- Oh, yeah. [chuckles]

- Rock bottom is cool. [chuckles]

- Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I want to hit rock bottom, yeah.

[chuckles]

I feel like I'm close. [chuckles]

- Oh, you will, Beavis.

I have faith in you. [chuckles]

Uh...

are you drunk right now?

[chuckles]

- Well, um, well, my head doesn't hurt,

so, um, I guess so, yeah.

[chuckles]

- Cool. [both chuckling]

- Life is good, yeah. [chuckles]

- I appreciate that. Later!

- [grunts]

There you go.

30 days to make you so fat,

you can't fit out the door.

[chuckles]

- And so it begins.

[chuckles]

[knuckles crack] It's hero time.

[chomping]

- You can do it, Butt-Head.

I believe in you.

- Oh, yeah. [chuckles]

- Huh. Now I'm a little hungry.

[chuckles]

- No, Beavis. [chuckles]

This is all for me. [chuckles]

- But, um, I just, like, um--

I haven't had lunch yet 'cause I was, um--

I was buying hot dogs and putting them in a bag.

[chuckles]

- Beavis, if I don't eat all this food,

I won't get fat enough.

Do you want us to get evicted? [chuckles]

- No, but, um, just 'cause you need to get fat

doesn't mean I can't eat.

- Yes, it does.

Every bite of food you eat is one less ounce of fat

jamming me in the doorway. [chuckles]

- Eh, I guess that's true, but--

- I'm eating for two now, Beavis.

[chuckles]

And you're eating for zero.

[chuckles]

[heroic music]

♪ ♪

[chuckling]

♪ ♪

[snoring]

[chuckles]

♪ ♪

[gagging]

♪ ♪

[groaning]

I can't do it, Beavis. [exhales heavily]

I'm full.

- [grunts]

You're full when I say you're full!

- [sighs]

[sobbing]

The landlord's gonna come evict us tomorrow, Butt-Head.

- [chuckles]

Look how fat I am. [chuckles]

I'm never gonna fit.

[chuckles]

- Eh, yeah, that's cool, yeah.

Kick-ass, yeah. [chuckles]

But, um, so I was thinking, since you're, like,

so fat now, maybe I could eat a little bit of your food?

[chuckles]

- Damn it, Beavis,

what if tomorrow I don't get a big enough breakfast

and I lose weight?

Then that sheriff will put us out on the street.

[chuckles] - Uh, I know,

but I'm, like, really hungry.

I've been living off crumbs I find on the ground.

[chuckles] - God damn it, Beavis,

those crumbs are for me.

[groaning]

[breathing heavily]

- Oh, yeah. Sorry. [chuckles]

- Now, I'm going to bed.

[groans]

You better not touch my breakfast.

[groaning, belly sloshing]

[grunts]

[chuckling] [engine whirring]

[suspenseful music]

♪ ♪

[suspenseful music]

[engine whirring]

- Hey, Beavis.

Get up and help me eat my breakfast.

We got to--what the hell?

- Huh?

Where did the food go?

No one knows who ate it. Yeah. [chuckles]

- Beavis, you backstabbing son of a bitch.

I better not fit through that door.

[chuckles]

[groans, grunts]

Damn it. Nice job, butthole.

I'm not fat enough. [chuckles]

- Oh, no. [chuckles]

It's the landlord with her cowboy friend.

- Damn it, Beavis.

And now we're out of food 'cause you ate my nachos.

[chuckles] - Wait a second.

What about that case of beer you were saving

so you could party with the landlord?

[exciting music]

- [gulping]

[sighs] Keep 'em coming.

♪ ♪

[gulping]

- Come on. Keep drinking beer, Butt-Head.

It's our only hope.

♪ ♪

Shotgun it, Butt-Head. There's no time.

- [coughs]

♪ ♪

[pounding on door]

[groans]

Open the door, Beavis. [chuckles]

We have nothing to fear.

[can clatters] [chuckles]

- Hey, how's it going? [chuckles]

- Your 30 days is up.

You're out of here.

- Oh, am I? [chuckles]

[both grunting] Good luck, buttholes.

[both grunting]

[wood creaking]

- Come on, push.

Try turning him sideways.

- Go ahead. [chuckles]

Be my guest. [chuckles]

Care to try me upside down? [chuckles]

[both grunting]

[both sigh]

If the butt doesn't fit, you can't evict.

[chuckles]

- We did it, Butt-Head. You didn't fit.

[chuckles]

- Beavis, this is the greatest thing

anyone has ever accomplished.

[chuckles]

[saw buzzing]

- Um, what's that noise, Butt-Head?

[saw buzzing]

[wall crashes]

- There he is.

- I'm putting the strap on him!

- [chuckles]

He said "strap on."

[chuckles]

Whoa!

[crane creaking]

[chuckles]

We failed.

[chuckles]

- Yeah. [chuckles]

[both chuckling]

[rock music]

- ♪ Swipe right ♪ - ♪ With David Van Driessen ♪

- ♪ All night ♪ - ♪ With David Van Driessen ♪

- ♪ Hold tight ♪

- ♪ 'Cause David Van Driessen's ♪

♪ Gonna make things out of sight ♪

- "Swipe Right with David Van Driessen":

the dating adventures of Highland's

most eligible vegan bachelor.

[silverware clinking]

- This tofu is really--

- I'm gonna go to the bathroom.

- Oh, yeah.

Mention my name. You'll get a good seat.

[chuckles] - Uh-huh.

[door clicks open and shut, bell jingles]

[engine turning over]

[engine revving]

- ♪ Swipe right with David Van Driessen tonight ♪

[both chuckling]

[rock music]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[bird cawing]

- Eh, this place sucks.

We should go somewhere else.

- Uh, every other place sucks too.

- Yeah, that's true, yeah. [chuckles]

[device beeping]

Oh, check it out.

It's that old butthole. [chuckles]

- Hey, old butthole.

What are you doing? [chuckles]

- What was that, boys?

Sorry, I'm just looking for buried treasure

with my old metal detector. [chuckles]

So far, I found 63¢ in change,

an old belt buckle, and a doorknob

that'll be good as new once I polish the rust off of it.

- So are you gonna, like, polish your knob?

[both chuckling]

- Why, yes, I am gonna polish my knob.

I'm gonna polish it up real good, I'll tell you what.

[both chuckling]

Now, ordinarily I'd ask my wife to polish it for me.

[both chuckling]

Well, she wouldn't mind doing it.

It's the sort of work she enjoys.

[both chuckling] - I bet she does.

- But in this case, I think it'll feel

especially satisfying to polish my own knob.

Do you know what I'm talking about, boys?

- I do, yeah. Yeah, I sure do, yeah.

[chuckles] - He really does, sir.

Beavis spanks it 24-7. [chuckles]

- You boys mind watching my stuff while

I get a cold one?

I'm just worried about those two bad kids

who live around here, Blovis and Bustamante.

- Bustamante. [chuckles]

- Well, thank you kindly.

- Is that old guy gonna go spank his monkey now?

- Of course he is. That's all he can talk about.

Come on, let's find some treasure with this thing

before he finishes spanking his monkey and comes back.

- Well, we better hurry, 'cause, um,

he seemed really excited about it,

so he probably won't take too long, you know?

[chuckles]

- Well, hello there, friends!

Without a shadow of a doubt, one of the first vegetables

I fell in love with.

- Whoa, he fell in love with vegetables?

[chuckles]

- Creamed spinach...

- Yeah...[chuckles]

He was like,

"You know, like everybody, you know,

"I did it with a lot of cabbages, you know.

But then when I met the spinach, ooh."

[both chuckling]

- "But when I met-a the spinach,

"my heart go boing, boing, le boing,

b-b-boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oing."

[both chuckling]

What's this guy making?

- He's making a dish called spinach and water.

[chuckles]

It sucks. [chuckles]

- Uh, wait a minute. Is spinach real?

I thought it was that stuff in the cartoon

that makes Popeye's right arm really huge.

[chuckles]

- Well, that's what they tell you.

But it's something else that makes Popeye's

right arm really huge, Beavis.

[both chuckling]

- Oh, yeah, yeah.

- You know Popeye spanks his monkey a lot

'cause his girlfriend's name is Olive Oyl.

[both chuckling]

- "Your name is-a the same thing

that I put on my wiener." [chuckles]

"I love you." [chuckles]

- We have beautiful, beautiful green spinach, you see?

- This guy would never make it at Burger World.

[chuckles] He'd be like,

"Would you like a side of-a spinach with the spinach?

"For $1 extra, I give you some more spinach.

A-thank you. Drive through."

[chuckles] - "We have a new menu item."

It's called a spinach, a spinach, a spinach, yes."

[chuckles]

- "What, you want-a french fry? No way."

- "I don't make-a french fry."

"I'm French. I make-a spinach.

"OK, I read your order back to you.

"A spinach, a spinach, a spinach,

and a spinach à la spinach," yeah.

[both chuckling]

- And then we're gonna put the cheese.

- He's just, like, gonna keep adding cheese and cheese

and butter and cream until he kills off

the taste of spinach. [chuckles]

- Why is he even putting spinach in it?

[chuckles]

- Uh, because he's in love with spinach.

[chuckles]

- Oh, yeah, yeah. [chuckles]

- Add bacon bits to it.

I mean, you can do so many things with this, friends, huh?

- "I don't care.

"Sometimes I throw the bacon bits in the spinach.

"I throw the dirt in the spinach.

"I throw the spinach in the trash can.

I don't care! I'm crazy!"

[chuckles]

"I miss you so much, spinach." [chuckles]

"I want to score with you again!"

[chuckles]

"Why you leave me, spinach?"

[both chuckling]

- I'm not gonna eat all this, see?

'Cause this is a little too much...

- "Yeah, I'm not gonna eat all this, see?

I'm gonna go spank my monkey to it, yeah."

[both chuckling]

- Now let's find some treasures, butthole.

When I find metal, you dig it up with the shovel.

[chuckles]

[detector beeps] - Metal.

Um, it's one of those things with numbers on it.

- Numbers suck. [chuckles]

[detector beeps] - Metal.

Whoa! [chuckles]

- Uh, this money is old.

We need, like, new money. [chuckles]

- Oh, yeah, yeah. [chuckles]

Uh, Butt-Head, do you think it can detect your braces?

They're metal. - Uh...

let's see. [chuckles]

[detector beeps] - Metal.

- Damn it, what'd you do that for, dumbass?

- Uh, it beeped.

I thought there was treasure in your mouth or something.

Yeah. [chuckles]

- If you try to dig for treasure in my mouth

one more time, I'm gonna kick your ass.

- Yeah, sorry, sorry. [chuckles]

My bad, yeah. [chuckles]

- We got to detect some goddamn metal treasure

around here somewhere.

[chuckles]

[detector beeps] - Metal.

- Whoa.

There must be treasure in here.

[both chuckling]

Let's see here.

[detector beeps] - Metal.

Whoa, cool. [chuckles]

- Now we're getting somewhere. [chuckles]

[detector beeps] - Metal.

- You're supposed to dig, dumbass,

not just hit it with a shovel. [chuckles]

- Well, you can't dig a chair, Butt-Head.

- Uh, oh, yeah. [chuckles]

[detector beeps] - Metal.

See, there's more metal now than before I hit it.

[chuckles]

- Uh, that metal's all dirty and stuff.

It's got to be shiny to be treasure.

[chuckles] - Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, it's got to be shiny, yeah. [chuckles]

[both chuckling]

[detector beeps] Metal.

- Now look what you did, dumbass. [chuckles]

- Well, maybe there's some treasure in the window.

Yeah. [chuckles]

- Uh, oh, yeah.

[detector beeps]

[glass shatters]

- I heard a beep. [chuckles]

- Well, we better get in there.

- You said "in there." [chuckling]

- [grunts]

- No, sir, there's nothing like a cold one and a hobby,

I tell you what. - [grunting]

[glass shattering]

- [grunts] I don't know, Butt-Head.

Do you think there's treasure in here?

It looks like someone's house or something.

- Well, there's only one way to find out:

with this metal detector. [chuckles]

[detector beeps]

[detector beeps]

[chuckles] [detector beeps]

- Maybe there's treasure in here.

[detector beeps]

Got to stick with it, Beavis.

[detector beeps]

- Yep, that's right.

No substitute for hard work.

- Uh, hmm.

I don't think there's any--

Uh, what'd you do that for?

It didn't beep. [chuckles]

- Eh, you can't be too sure, you know?

[chuckles]

[detector beeps]

[items clatter] [detector beeps]

[glass shatters]

[detector beeps]

[detector beeps]

[detector beeps]

- This thing doesn't work. [chuckles]

- Yeah, it sucks.

There was no treasure, and we didn't get rich.

- What in the hell? What happened to my lawn chair?

- Whoa, that old guy is coming over here.

[chuckles] - Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, we better go before he comes in here

and starts spanking his monkey all over the place.

- If I find out that Blovis and Bustamante

had something to do with this, I swear to God--

oh!

What the hell happened to my house?

Good God Almighty!

- I can hear him spanking his monkey already.

- Oh, God.

- Really getting into it. - My commemorative plates.

Ah-ah! - Come up for air. [chuckles]

- I'm gonna kill somebody over this!

- Jesus Christ. [both chuckling]

- Yep, that guy is a real pervert.

[chuckles]

- Good God, it's everywhere.

Damn it!

Marcie, where's my gun?

[rock music]

♪ ♪

[chiming noises]

- Chirp.