Original subtitles

Xmas Story

Ladies and gentlemen, Conan O'Brien 's head!

Thank you. Thank you.

Let's get started. Max, play me over.

Aaah! Someone forgot to feed Max!

So, people are getting pretty worried about this Y2K problem, huh?

BENDER: No! They fixed that 900 years ago!

Just bear with me. I'm walking to work this morning...

I doubt it!

Listen, I may have lost my freakishly long legs in the War of 201 2...

...but I've still got something you'll never have: a soul!

- Eh. - And freckles!

Well, I'm out of material.

You can catch me next week at the Andromeda Chuckle Hut.

Enjoy your breakfast!

BENDER: Let's face it.

Comedy's a dead art form. Now, tragedy? That's funny.

Come on, everyone.

Perhaps skiing will help us forget the moldy old antics of Conan O'Brien.

- Great idea! - We can only hope.

FRY: This snow is beautiful.

I'm glad global warming never happened.

Actually, it did. Thank God, Nuclear Winter canceled it out.

FRY: Hi.

Enough of your mindless chitchat! Let's get going!

HERMES: Damn it. We're stuck!

At least you're not cold-blooded.

Sweet lion of Zion, look at the professor go!

[SNORES]

Look out for those trees!

Yeah, yeah, relax. Trees down!

VOICE: Trees down!

Cool. What if you want the trees up?

VOICE: Trees up!

- Trees down. VOICE: Trees down.

Looking good, meatball!

Excuse me, sir. You're snowboarding off the trail.

Lick my frozen metal ass. Ha, ha, ha!

Uh-oh.

[SCREAMS]

- Mommy! - Help!

You, a bobsledder? That I'd like to see.

Listen, you filthy crab.

1 000 years ago, there was a legendary team of Jamaican bobsledders.

Yep, I remember.

They came in last at the Olympics and retired to promote alcoholic drinks.

A true inspiration for the children.

A little help, please?

No!

Oh, what the hell.

[SCREAMS]

[CRASHES]

You poor man. What happened to you?

Well, I was on the triple-diamond slope when suddenly...

Oh, excuse me.

Hello, there.

[SNORES]

Oh!

Nothing like a warm fire and a Super Soaker of fine cognac.

Really puts you in the Christmas spirit.

- What-mas? - Christmas.

You know, "X-M-A-S. "

You mean Xmas. You must be using an archaic pronunciation.

Like when you say "ask" instead of "ax. "

Xmas, huh?

You know, this'll be my first Xmas away from home.

Let me ax you something.

Would it cheer you up if we go get an Xmas tree?

Yeah! An old-fashioned Xmas tree.

FRY: These aren't Xmas trees!

They're like a pine tree.

Pine trees have been extinct for 800 years, Fry.

Gone the way of the poodle and your primitive notions of modesty.

Ah! Brisk.

This isn't the way Christmas is supposed to be.

- There, there. - Everything's changed.

That's not true.

Oh Xmas tree Oh Xmas tree

Bah boo bee boo bah bee bow

Ow!

Every Christmas, my mom'd get a goose for goose burgers.

My dad'd whip up his special eggnog out of bourbon and ice cubes.

[CRASH]

This dumb holiday just makes me think of all I left behind.

- Let's just stop talking about Xmas. - Happy Xmas, Xmas people!

Xmas cards have arrived! Xmas!

Amy, there you go. Fry. Professor. Zoidberg.

A mighty haul for Bender.

Yes, I got the most! I win Xmas!

And last but not least, the sweet flower of the office:

Me. Hermes Conrad.

Ah, a picture of my mommy.

Huh? What's this?

A card from my cousin Zoidfarb.

Instead of Claus, he writes "Claws. "

Now that's humorous. Today's comedians could learn from this card.

What's the point of Xmas when everyone you know died 1 000 years ago?

I'm the Ioneliest person on Earth.

Leela, how about a little sympathy?

Yoiks! What was that about?

She's an orphan.

Yes. And the only one of her species in all the known universe.

What a Ionely life.

My God, poor Leela.

Heard you needed cheering up. Well, old Bender will make you laugh.

Look at me, look!

Boo-daba-boo! Be-da-boo!

Man. I got to work on my act.

I feel like a rat.

I've been whining like a pig while Leela was Ionely as a frog.

- I could kick myself. - I'll do it for you.

- Thanks. - You should be ashamed of yourself.

You'd have to be blind not to notice that Leela's a Cyclops.

- Fry's over there, man. - Oh?

Xmas Eve. Another pointless day where I accomplish nothing.

The holiday season is a time of celebration for most.

But it's also a time to remember the sad suffering of the less fortunate.

Earthlings do not yet know suffering.

Earlier today, I visited a shelter for down-and-out robots.

Homeless robots, too poor to afford...

... even the basic alcohol they need to fuel their circuits.

Is there anything sadder?

Only drowning puppies. And there would have to be a lot of them.

Where you going, Bender?

To volunteer at a liquor kitchen for homeless robots.

Right. As if you ever did anything charitable.

I'm very generous. What about that time I gave blood?

- Whose blood? - Some guy's.

I've got to do something to show Leela how sorry I am.

So, what's the problem?

Simply get down on your claws and do the apology dance.

So it's left, left, right... . Wait! I have a better idea.

I'll go out and get her the perfect Xmas present.

Something so great she'll never be unhappy again.

- Just be back by sundown, man. - We'll see. I like to haggle.

You can't stay out on Xmas Eve. You'll be killed!

- Say what? - He doesn't know about Santa Claus!

I know about Santa Claus.

Back in 2801, the Friendly Robot Company built a robotic Santa...

...to determine who'd been naughty and who'd been nice...

...and distribute presents accordingly.

But something went wrong.

Wow. 2801. Anyway...

Wait, you fool!

Due to a programming error, Santa's standards were set too high...

...and he invariably judges everyone to be naughty.

If he catches you after dark, he'll chop off your head...

...and stuff your neck full of toys from his sack of horrors!

[GULPS]

Nice meeting you.

Welcome, brother. May the blessings of the season be upon you.

I'm one of those lazy homeless bums I've been hearing about.

Can you point me to the free booze?

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

I really like this girl but she thinks I'm a jerk. Can you help me?

There's a suicide booth in the Food Court.

Though there's a line this time of year.

No, I need to get her a gift.

And I need it before sundown.

You can't go wrong with something traditional.

A surface-to-Santa rocket launcher. Comes with 3 jolly-seeking missiles.

- That's funny. - Careful, sir.

Oh, yeah. You filthy hobos sure know how to live.

Hey, chief? Someone's stealing your handkerchief full of crap.

Excuse me, sir.

Might I have a sip of booze?

I'm sorry, Tinny Tim. Seems we ran out early tonight.

I understand.

My God, that poor kid. Ha, ha, ha!

You're the last store open. I need something for my friend, Leela.

[GROANS]

[GROANS]

[GROANS]

- Just give me your best animal. - Best is a matter of opinion.

I personally like the electric snail.

That's a stupid animal. You're stupid. I said I want the best one.

Which costs more, the parrot or the lizard?

The lizards are a buck each. The parrot is $500.

That's a hell of a good parrot.

Although, I could get 500 lizards for the same price.

Girls like swarms of lizards, right?

Sir, the store is closing in 2 minutes.

Okay. I'll take the 500 lizards.

No, wait. Yes. No. Yes. Yes. Yes!

The parrot!

I spent every penny I had, but I bet Leela's going to love you.

[SQUAWKS]

You're quite the talker, huh?

Shut the hell up! Ow!

Stupid bird! I know where you live!

Hey, it's Leela!

Sorry I stormed out before. I didn't mean to ruin everyone's Xmas.

You were gone?

I get tired of Fry always only thinking of himself.

I hear that.

I ax him to set the table. And he goes out to buy you a present. Selfish dog.

Wait. He's still out? His life's in danger!

- Why? - I'm telling you why.

Santa Claus is coming to town!

All right, bird.

You thought you'd beat me in a game of wits, but you just met your equal.

[GULPS]

Cornered!

[SCREAMS]

Phew!

- Hi, there. - Leela? Oh, my God.

You saved my life. I am going to get you so many lizards.

You didn't need to buy me a present.

I just wanted to make you happy.

I miss my family, but you never even had a family.

It's okay. You're Ionely, and I'm Ionely.

But together, we're Ionely together.

- Merry Xmas, Leela. - Merry Xmas.

[METAL CLANKING]

Oh, boy! It's Santa!

Ho, ho, ho!

You've been very naughty, Fry and Leela. I checked my list.

Well, check it twice.

I perform over 50 mega-checks per second.

You're both naughty for disregarding each others' feelings.

But we set things right. Fry even risked his life to get me a present.

But what about your other co-workers?

Did either of you ever stop to think about Doctor Zoidberg's feelings?

No, I swear!

Santa has something very special in his sack for you.

Ho, ho, ho!

So lock the door and hit the floor

Because Santa Claus comes tonight

- Go away. - Whoa. Hold on.

What about the traditional glass of hard cider?

Oh, all right. But just one glass.

[DRINKING]

Okay, that's enough.

I said, that's enough!

Get her purse!

Let us live! We'll put out cookies for you!

You dare bribe Santa?

I'll shove coal so far up your stocking, you'll cough up diamonds!

We're trapped.

I never thought it'd end this way, gunned down by Santa Claus.

Honestly, I didn't see it coming.

- Goodbye, Fry. - Goodbye, Leela.

Hey, look. We're under the mistletoe.

Your mistletoe is no match for my T.O.W. missile.

Your present may need some assembly.

On the fourth day of Xmas I stole from that lady

Four family photos

Three jars of pennies

Two former husbands

And a slipper on a shoe tree

Oh, thank you!

- Help! - Somebody help us!

It's humans! Shall we mug them, robot, sir?

No, wait. I know these guys. They got nothing!

Ho, ho, ho!

You've been very naughty, Bender!

I didn't do nothing. You're thinking of the kid.

My God, Bender. Framing an orphan?

That's so naughty I'll have to add it to my list right now.

Framing... .

I...

...N...

...G... .

Amy, this is for you.

A set of combs for your beautiful hair.

Oh, that's so sweet.

But I sold my hair to a wigmaker to buy a set of combs for Hermes.

Oh, the irony.

I sold my hair so I could buy this third set of combs for Zoidberg.

Thank you.

These'll come in handy for my new hair.

Finally I look as pretty as I feel.

Help!

Oh, dear, they'll be killed on our doorstep.

And there's no trash pickup till January 3rd.

[THUD]

Sweet manatee of Galilee! He's on the roof!

Quick! The armor-plated chimney cover!

Push! Push!

Use teamwork!

Oh, dear! Oh, dear!

You've all been very naughty. Very naughty, indeed.

Except you, Doctor Zoidberg.

- This is for you. - A pogo stick.

As for the rest of you, I'll tear off your skin like wrapping paper...

...and deck the halls with your guts.

Yeah? Well, I don't believe in Santa Claus.

Come on, everybody. If you don't believe in him, he can't hurt you.

Oh, God, the pain!

Ho, ho, ho!

Time to get jolly on your naughty asses. Ho, ho, ho!

Watch out, his belly's shaking like a bowl full of nitroglycerine.

- Rudolph's nose! - He's going to blow!

Good thing I got us out of that one.

Xmas dinner, everyone.

Bender, where did you get that bird?

I found it lying in the street, like all the food I cook.

Dig in, everyone!

- Thank you, sir. - You got the toenail.

[BELCHES]

Oh!

Look, the food isn't what's important.

I'm so hungry.

The important thing is, we're all together for Xmas.

And even though I'm surrounded by robots and monsters and old people...

...I've never felt more at home.

Hear, hear! Now, let's all of us shut up and sing!

He knows when you are sleeping

He knows when you're on the can

He'll hunt you down and blast your ass From here to Pakistan

You'd better not breathe You'd better not move

You're better off dead I'm telling you, dude

Santa Claus is gunning you down

Merry Xmas, everyone!

I'll be back. Back when you least expect it.

Next Xmas!

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