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1
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Downloaded from
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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[roaring]
4
00:00:17,974 --> 00:00:19,670
[upbeat music]
5
00:00:52,182 --> 00:00:55,184
-I'm busting you
and putting you away for good.
6
00:00:55,577 --> 00:00:56,446
-Don't worry about me.
7
00:00:56,578 --> 00:00:57,404
I ain't going
to get caught
8
00:00:57,535 --> 00:00:59,449
and go to prison.
9
00:00:59,581 --> 00:01:01,321
-Oh Louis, I'm not worried,
are you worried?
10
00:01:01,452 --> 00:01:03,366
-If you wanna know the truth,
11
00:01:03,498 --> 00:01:05,716
the only one I'm worried about
is my ex-wife.
12
00:01:05,848 --> 00:01:06,804
-You're worried?
13
00:01:06,936 --> 00:01:07,327
I'm worried!
14
00:01:07,458 --> 00:01:09,068
That one's crazy!
15
00:01:09,199 --> 00:01:10,939
-Ever since she's caught me
in bed with Angelica,
16
00:01:11,071 --> 00:01:13,724
she's been intent
on killing us!
17
00:01:19,122 --> 00:01:20,688
Yeah, yeah,
I'm listening to you.
18
00:01:21,168 --> 00:01:23,212
[gunshot]
19
00:01:25,389 --> 00:01:26,433
Yeah, yeah, in fact,
20
00:01:26,564 --> 00:01:27,956
I'm having someone
come in tomorrow
21
00:01:28,088 --> 00:01:30,089
to put in
bullet-proof windows.
22
00:01:35,312 --> 00:01:36,486
This dumb parrot.
23
00:01:36,618 --> 00:01:38,967
Paid 500 for him
and all he does is play dead.
24
00:01:39,099 --> 00:01:40,882
Yeah, yeah,
I'm listening to you.
25
00:01:41,013 --> 00:01:43,667
I know the heat's
coming down on me.
26
00:01:43,799 --> 00:01:45,408
But the feds ain't got
a thing on me!
27
00:01:45,540 --> 00:01:47,410
She doesn't know
she signed the contracts.
28
00:01:47,542 --> 00:01:49,891
[laughing]
29
00:01:50,806 --> 00:01:52,807
She thinks I'm helping
with her penmanship.
30
00:01:55,419 --> 00:01:57,246
I'm pretty smart, huh?
31
00:01:59,162 --> 00:02:01,250
Hey, Polly,
you want a cracker?
32
00:02:01,599 --> 00:02:03,948
Hey, Polly!
33
00:02:04,080 --> 00:02:06,255
You want a cracker?
34
00:02:06,387 --> 00:02:07,865
Dumb bird.
35
00:02:07,997 --> 00:02:09,389
I'm not going to jail, okay?
36
00:02:09,520 --> 00:02:11,391
That's the beauty part of it!
37
00:02:11,522 --> 00:02:14,437
She's got Angelica,
that's who!
38
00:02:14,569 --> 00:02:15,438
-Hey, boss...
39
00:02:15,570 --> 00:02:17,136
[gunshot]
40
00:02:18,486 --> 00:02:20,878
-Well, that's why
I'm the boss!
41
00:02:22,533 --> 00:02:23,577
Shut up!
42
00:02:23,708 --> 00:02:25,970
Don't you ever
call her stupid again.
43
00:02:26,102 --> 00:02:27,798
You got that?
44
00:02:31,934 --> 00:02:33,152
-Louis?
45
00:02:35,024 --> 00:02:36,198
-I told you,
46
00:02:36,330 --> 00:02:38,809
always wear your glasses
when you're near me!
47
00:02:45,600 --> 00:02:47,905
[romantic music]
48
00:02:53,564 --> 00:02:55,913
-Is everything okay,
poopsie?
49
00:02:56,045 --> 00:02:58,264
Shut up!
50
00:02:58,395 --> 00:03:00,222
-You're upset.
51
00:03:06,534 --> 00:03:08,709
Maybe I can do something...
52
00:03:08,840 --> 00:03:11,277
to make you feel
all better.
53
00:03:13,410 --> 00:03:14,584
[zipping sound]
54
00:03:14,716 --> 00:03:17,805
Poopsie, I've never seen you
so excited before.
55
00:03:20,069 --> 00:03:22,201
-Don't ever touch this again.
56
00:03:23,072 --> 00:03:25,595
-Oh yeah, don't blow a fuse.
57
00:03:25,727 --> 00:03:28,032
I should've known
that was your gun.
58
00:03:28,164 --> 00:03:30,513
Why do you always
carry a gun around?
59
00:03:30,645 --> 00:03:33,516
-Why do you always ask me
so many stupid questions?
60
00:03:36,520 --> 00:03:37,651
I'm sorry, doll.
61
00:03:37,782 --> 00:03:39,609
The feds have been
coming down on me.
62
00:03:39,741 --> 00:03:41,350
They think I'm embezzling!
63
00:03:41,482 --> 00:03:43,222
-Poopsie.
64
00:03:43,353 --> 00:03:46,050
I don't like to see you
get so excited.
65
00:03:46,182 --> 00:03:48,096
[Louis]
Oh!
66
00:03:48,228 --> 00:03:49,880
You could have fooled me.
67
00:03:50,012 --> 00:03:51,534
[laughing]
68
00:03:57,149 --> 00:03:58,889
Oh, poopsie.
69
00:04:02,720 --> 00:04:05,069
[Angelica]
And I refuse to make love
with my glasses on.
70
00:04:05,201 --> 00:04:06,201
-Put those back on,
71
00:04:06,333 --> 00:04:08,377
you're a walking accident
without them!
72
00:04:10,206 --> 00:04:11,467
-I'm yours, baby!
73
00:04:11,599 --> 00:04:13,034
[glass shattering]
74
00:04:13,165 --> 00:04:15,341
[clatter]
75
00:04:16,212 --> 00:04:17,908
Is everything okay?
76
00:04:18,040 --> 00:04:19,127
-Don't move.
77
00:04:19,259 --> 00:04:20,998
Just take two steps backwards.
78
00:04:21,130 --> 00:04:22,913
Do it!
79
00:04:24,220 --> 00:04:25,916
Sit down on the bed.
80
00:04:33,708 --> 00:04:35,578
[gunshot]
81
00:04:40,715 --> 00:04:42,455
[grunting]
82
00:04:42,586 --> 00:04:44,283
-Louis!
83
00:04:52,161 --> 00:04:53,988
Louis, you're so passionate!
84
00:04:54,424 --> 00:04:56,425
You're so stiff!
85
00:04:59,211 --> 00:05:00,560
Poopsie...
86
00:05:00,691 --> 00:05:03,824
That was the absolute best
you ever were.
87
00:05:03,955 --> 00:05:06,000
And I'm not just saying that.
88
00:05:22,713 --> 00:05:24,323
[groaning]
89
00:05:27,588 --> 00:05:29,328
[screaming]
90
00:05:35,291 --> 00:05:37,118
You know, poopsie?
91
00:05:37,249 --> 00:05:39,555
I really owe you a lot.
92
00:05:39,687 --> 00:05:42,210
You took me
off the streets...
93
00:05:42,342 --> 00:05:44,908
taught me self-defence.
94
00:05:45,040 --> 00:05:48,477
How to detonate bombs,
pick locks.
95
00:05:49,784 --> 00:05:52,568
But, well...
96
00:05:53,353 --> 00:05:55,702
something's been
bothering me.
97
00:05:56,791 --> 00:05:59,270
See, we don't communicate
with each other.
98
00:05:59,402 --> 00:06:02,796
I mean, I don't know
who you are, where you're from.
99
00:06:02,927 --> 00:06:04,058
I don't know anything
about you!
100
00:06:04,189 --> 00:06:06,669
And every time I asked you
a question about yourself,
101
00:06:06,801 --> 00:06:09,629
you told me to quit
asking so many questions.
102
00:06:09,760 --> 00:06:10,717
I think you're
really insensitive
103
00:06:10,848 --> 00:06:12,153
and I don't like it.
104
00:06:17,855 --> 00:06:18,899
I also don't like it
when you tell me
105
00:06:19,030 --> 00:06:21,336
to shut up all the time.
106
00:06:21,468 --> 00:06:24,078
You can be very cold
and heartless.
107
00:06:27,474 --> 00:06:28,996
I don't like
your big smelly cigars,
108
00:06:29,127 --> 00:06:30,693
I don't like you
leaving the toilet set up,
109
00:06:30,825 --> 00:06:32,086
and I don't like it
when you joke around
110
00:06:32,217 --> 00:06:34,044
and take your teeth out.
111
00:06:35,612 --> 00:06:37,744
There.
112
00:06:37,875 --> 00:06:40,703
Now, don't you feel better
that we're communicating?
113
00:06:41,357 --> 00:06:43,532
I certainly do.
114
00:06:46,710 --> 00:06:48,711
-Die, you wench!
115
00:06:50,801 --> 00:06:52,585
[clicking]
116
00:06:56,285 --> 00:06:57,720
You're dead!
117
00:07:04,728 --> 00:07:07,513
[romantic music]
118
00:07:17,132 --> 00:07:18,393
[an agent]
Damn it, mister Polk.
119
00:07:18,525 --> 00:07:20,700
That car slipped
between us and the limo.
120
00:07:20,831 --> 00:07:23,746
I still think I can slip
the microphone into a car.
121
00:07:23,878 --> 00:07:25,792
I think you should put
your headset on, sir.
122
00:07:25,923 --> 00:07:27,750
[upbeat music]
123
00:07:41,896 --> 00:07:44,506
Okay, reach across
and put the microphone in.
124
00:07:46,466 --> 00:07:48,249
It's gotta go into the sunroof!
125
00:07:49,294 --> 00:07:50,643
-What's going on?
126
00:07:50,774 --> 00:07:51,905
-Watch out, watch out!
127
00:07:52,036 --> 00:07:54,298
[Howard]
It's almost there,
come on!
128
00:07:54,430 --> 00:07:56,083
Bingo, it's in position!
129
00:07:58,086 --> 00:07:59,347
[a man - microphone]
This isn't good, Sally.
130
00:07:59,479 --> 00:08:00,914
You could end up
behind bars!
131
00:08:01,045 --> 00:08:02,829
-Nobody's going
to put me in jail.
132
00:08:02,960 --> 00:08:04,831
After all...
133
00:08:04,962 --> 00:08:07,311
I'm not caught.
134
00:08:07,443 --> 00:08:08,748
But what I want to know
is why he's so intent
135
00:08:08,879 --> 00:08:10,750
on going after me.
136
00:08:10,881 --> 00:08:12,012
There are a lot
of corrupt politicians
137
00:08:12,143 --> 00:08:13,753
who have gotten deals approved
138
00:08:13,884 --> 00:08:16,886
and are evading
federal taxes.
139
00:08:17,018 --> 00:08:18,845
[a man - microphone]
Maybe because he thinks
Sally Rich
140
00:08:18,976 --> 00:08:22,239
is a ruthless bitch who abuses
everyone in her path.
141
00:08:22,371 --> 00:08:24,198
[crying]
-That's just not true!
142
00:08:25,287 --> 00:08:27,941
I said french nails,
you cretin!
143
00:08:28,072 --> 00:08:29,333
You're fired!
144
00:08:29,465 --> 00:08:30,813
Get out of here!
145
00:08:30,945 --> 00:08:32,815
[screaming]
146
00:08:37,560 --> 00:08:41,476
How could that FBI chief
say that about me?
147
00:08:41,608 --> 00:08:43,826
Phone.
-You said it,
you're the greatest!
148
00:08:43,958 --> 00:08:45,698
-There's nobody better!
149
00:08:46,700 --> 00:08:47,830
[Sally - microphone]
Walter.
150
00:08:47,962 --> 00:08:51,530
I falsified the land
development contract, for you.
151
00:08:53,576 --> 00:08:54,750
-That'll be the last
criminal act
152
00:08:54,882 --> 00:08:57,187
she's going to be
involved in.
153
00:08:57,624 --> 00:08:59,755
-Oh no!
154
00:08:59,887 --> 00:09:00,756
-Somebody's following us.
155
00:09:00,888 --> 00:09:04,543
-Then lose him, you idiot!
156
00:09:04,674 --> 00:09:06,762
-And while you're at it,
could you turn up the air?
157
00:09:07,024 --> 00:09:08,721
-You wimp!
158
00:09:08,852 --> 00:09:10,549
[screaming]
159
00:09:17,469 --> 00:09:18,339
[an agent]
Sir, this is tough,
160
00:09:18,470 --> 00:09:19,645
I can't get around
this stupid car
161
00:09:19,776 --> 00:09:22,561
and our microphone's stuck
in the limo's sunroof!
162
00:09:25,347 --> 00:09:27,261
-Help me!
163
00:09:29,960 --> 00:09:31,352
[Howard]
Banner, don't lose her!
164
00:09:31,483 --> 00:09:32,701
[upbeat music]
165
00:09:36,837 --> 00:09:38,751
[screaming]
166
00:09:38,882 --> 00:09:40,709
Glad I'm not that guy.
167
00:09:49,501 --> 00:09:51,241
Let's go!
168
00:09:57,901 --> 00:09:59,249
[honking]
169
00:10:00,817 --> 00:10:02,731
[screaming]
170
00:10:04,604 --> 00:10:05,647
[Howard]
What's going on?
171
00:10:05,779 --> 00:10:07,867
Hey, how did those two cars
switch positions?
172
00:10:15,615 --> 00:10:17,311
-Look out, you crazy lady!
173
00:10:17,921 --> 00:10:19,922
Quickly, we're on fire!
174
00:10:26,060 --> 00:10:27,800
[screaming]
175
00:10:36,548 --> 00:10:37,461
-Arrest her.
176
00:10:37,593 --> 00:10:38,767
Interrogate the chauffeur.
177
00:10:38,899 --> 00:10:40,900
Walk the dog.
178
00:10:41,031 --> 00:10:44,251
-Club... Fed...
must... come... down!
179
00:10:46,907 --> 00:10:48,690
[dramatic music]
180
00:10:56,656 --> 00:10:57,830
-How can I help you, chief?
181
00:10:57,961 --> 00:10:59,266
-I'll tell you how.
182
00:10:59,397 --> 00:11:01,007
I pull some strings
and get you appointed
183
00:11:01,138 --> 00:11:02,922
as warden at Club Fed.
184
00:11:03,053 --> 00:11:04,837
-You get me
appointed to warden?
185
00:11:04,968 --> 00:11:06,577
I thought I got
a criminal record.
186
00:11:06,709 --> 00:11:09,058
-That's why you're
the perfect man for the job!
187
00:11:09,190 --> 00:11:11,713
I want you to steal money
out of Club Fed,
188
00:11:11,845 --> 00:11:14,194
frame one of the criminals,
I'll bust the convict,
189
00:11:14,325 --> 00:11:17,501
expose the scandal
at a major press conference,
190
00:11:17,633 --> 00:11:19,721
and then Club Fed
will be overthrown,
191
00:11:19,853 --> 00:11:22,245
the criminals will have to serve
time behind real bars,
192
00:11:22,377 --> 00:11:25,684
and the filthy scum will learn
that crime doesn't pay!
193
00:11:27,208 --> 00:11:29,818
-And we could split
whatever I steal.
194
00:11:30,951 --> 00:11:32,734
[laughing]
195
00:11:33,649 --> 00:11:34,518
[Burt's voice]
You stupid idiot.
196
00:11:34,650 --> 00:11:37,130
I'm going to keep
all the money for myself!
197
00:11:37,261 --> 00:11:39,001
[Vince's voice]
You stupid idiot.
198
00:11:39,133 --> 00:11:41,351
I'm going to keep
all the money for myself!
199
00:11:44,704 --> 00:11:46,095
-Which convict
are we going to bust?
200
00:11:46,227 --> 00:11:48,228
-That's my department.
201
00:11:48,359 --> 00:11:51,971
All we have to do is make sure
that the person we frame
202
00:11:52,102 --> 00:11:55,714
is naive, gullible,
and unsuspecting.
203
00:11:56,716 --> 00:11:59,195
And I know
just the person.
204
00:12:03,244 --> 00:12:05,027
[doorbell ringing]
205
00:12:14,690 --> 00:12:16,996
-Gosh, don't tell me!
206
00:12:17,127 --> 00:12:19,868
I forgot to pay
the electric bill.
207
00:12:22,437 --> 00:12:25,918
-You stupid, ludicrous
liberal jackass!
208
00:12:26,049 --> 00:12:27,397
You're out of here!
209
00:12:27,529 --> 00:12:29,443
[cheering]
210
00:12:35,711 --> 00:12:37,059
[the crowd]
Wally, Wally, Wally!
211
00:12:39,106 --> 00:12:40,106
-All right, all right.
212
00:12:40,237 --> 00:12:41,498
Howdy gang, terrific.
213
00:12:41,630 --> 00:12:43,544
Let me introduce
my next guest.
214
00:12:43,675 --> 00:12:46,068
He's one of
my biggest heroes,
215
00:12:46,200 --> 00:12:49,202
a great American,
the director of the FBI,
216
00:12:49,333 --> 00:12:51,900
let's hear it
for Vince Hooligan!
217
00:12:52,032 --> 00:12:53,206
Yeah!
218
00:12:53,337 --> 00:12:54,773
[the crowd]
Vince, Vince, Vince!
219
00:12:59,604 --> 00:13:01,780
-Vince, let me tell you,
220
00:13:01,911 --> 00:13:04,217
it's really a pleasure
to have you on my show.
221
00:13:04,348 --> 00:13:06,349
You know,
you've probably heard
222
00:13:06,481 --> 00:13:10,049
about this new federal program
which is about to begin,
223
00:13:10,180 --> 00:13:13,139
for the white-collar criminals.
224
00:13:13,270 --> 00:13:14,531
Let me tell you.
225
00:13:14,663 --> 00:13:17,534
Here, you probably see it
in this stupid magazine here.
226
00:13:17,666 --> 00:13:19,580
It's...
227
00:13:19,711 --> 00:13:22,061
It's a place called Club Fed.
228
00:13:22,192 --> 00:13:25,629
A very minimum
security prison, come on!
229
00:13:25,761 --> 00:13:27,544
Give me a break!
230
00:13:27,676 --> 00:13:29,459
[crowd booing]
Let me tell you what I think
about this Club Fed!
231
00:13:29,591 --> 00:13:31,461
Scram!
232
00:13:34,117 --> 00:13:35,465
Get this, get this.
233
00:13:35,597 --> 00:13:36,597
Get this, folks.
234
00:13:36,728 --> 00:13:39,252
They feature,
at Club Fed,
235
00:13:39,383 --> 00:13:43,473
a revolutionary
rehabilitation program!
236
00:13:44,040 --> 00:13:45,998
Gimme a break!
237
00:13:46,129 --> 00:13:47,826
This is ludicrous!
238
00:13:47,957 --> 00:13:50,567
Vince, how do you feel
about this stupid thing?
239
00:13:50,873 --> 00:13:53,005
-Wally...
240
00:13:53,136 --> 00:13:55,790
It makes me sick!
241
00:13:55,922 --> 00:13:57,966
[the crowd]
Sick, sick, sick, sick!
242
00:13:59,447 --> 00:14:02,231
-These are criminals,
not tourists!
243
00:14:02,363 --> 00:14:04,233
They swindle innocent people
244
00:14:04,365 --> 00:14:06,148
out of millions of dollars
every year.
245
00:14:06,280 --> 00:14:08,977
And we give them
an all expenses paid vacation?
246
00:14:19,859 --> 00:14:22,643
I am so
utterly repulsed!
247
00:14:23,297 --> 00:14:26,168
These are criminals,
they're the incorrigible,
248
00:14:26,300 --> 00:14:31,086
unredeemable vermin,
the scum and dregs of society!
249
00:14:32,349 --> 00:14:34,742
There is no way they deserve
this royal treatment,
250
00:14:34,874 --> 00:14:37,484
there's no way
this Club Fed program will work!
251
00:14:46,842 --> 00:14:48,321
-Hold on, hold on.
252
00:14:48,452 --> 00:14:50,540
Here, you can
probably use this, here.
253
00:14:57,809 --> 00:15:00,724
-Where there is smoke,
there is fire.
254
00:15:01,552 --> 00:15:04,206
Where there are criminals,
there is crime!
255
00:15:04,338 --> 00:15:07,209
And I guarantee you,
my friends,
256
00:15:07,341 --> 00:15:09,168
that one of these criminals
at Club Fed
257
00:15:09,299 --> 00:15:11,866
is going to commit
a significant unlawful act,
258
00:15:11,998 --> 00:15:15,174
and when that happens,
my fellow Americans,
259
00:15:15,305 --> 00:15:18,177
I promise you,
when that happens,
260
00:15:18,308 --> 00:15:21,528
Club Fed will be
closed down forever!
261
00:15:22,356 --> 00:15:24,661
[cheering]
262
00:15:28,840 --> 00:15:31,059
[the crowd]
Wally, Wally, Wally!
263
00:15:32,409 --> 00:15:34,628
[festive music]
264
00:15:38,241 --> 00:15:40,068
[speaking Hebrew]
265
00:15:40,896 --> 00:15:42,201
[a man]
Sir, sir!
266
00:15:42,332 --> 00:15:44,116
I got that radio station
you wanted.
267
00:15:44,247 --> 00:15:46,683
Here it is, sir.
268
00:15:46,815 --> 00:15:48,250
-Yes, hello?
269
00:15:48,382 --> 00:15:49,382
Uh-huh.
270
00:15:49,513 --> 00:15:50,644
Of course I know
how to play the game.
271
00:15:50,775 --> 00:15:52,254
Yes, yes.
272
00:15:52,386 --> 00:15:53,168
That's right.
273
00:15:53,300 --> 00:15:56,563
What's the question?
274
00:15:56,694 --> 00:15:59,087
Whoa, whoa.
275
00:16:00,350 --> 00:16:01,611
What was Lincoln's
last words?
276
00:16:01,743 --> 00:16:02,917
-Lincoln's last words?
277
00:16:03,049 --> 00:16:04,788
-Give me five seconds,
like everybody else gets.
278
00:16:04,920 --> 00:16:07,139
What was Lincoln's
last words?
279
00:16:07,270 --> 00:16:08,618
I got it, hold it, what?
280
00:16:08,750 --> 00:16:10,969
-"Good seats!"
281
00:16:11,100 --> 00:16:13,275
-Don't screw with me, Marty!
-I'm not screwing with you!
282
00:16:13,407 --> 00:16:15,277
It's right here!
283
00:16:15,409 --> 00:16:17,366
-"Good seats!"
284
00:16:18,064 --> 00:16:20,848
Yes, of course
I know everything.
285
00:16:20,980 --> 00:16:22,328
Yes, I'll put
my assistant on,
286
00:16:22,459 --> 00:16:23,982
you just send the money.
287
00:16:24,113 --> 00:16:27,159
You just earned your salary
and a $20 000 bonus!
288
00:16:28,335 --> 00:16:30,162
-Sir, I'd like to speak
to you about my bonus.
289
00:16:30,293 --> 00:16:32,251
-Bonus? What bonus?
290
00:16:32,382 --> 00:16:33,904
What's happening
with the subsidiary, huh?
291
00:16:34,036 --> 00:16:35,167
I want to know
what'S happening.
292
00:16:35,298 --> 00:16:36,124
-Can you hold, please?
293
00:16:36,256 --> 00:16:37,517
It's not so great, sir,
294
00:16:37,648 --> 00:16:38,866
we can't do this with the new
banking regulations.
295
00:16:38,998 --> 00:16:40,215
It's completely unauthorized!
296
00:16:40,347 --> 00:16:41,477
-You're telling me
we can't do it?
297
00:16:41,609 --> 00:16:43,175
-Well, no, I...
-Hey, hey, hey!
298
00:16:43,306 --> 00:16:44,306
I'm paying you
a lot of money!
299
00:16:44,438 --> 00:16:46,265
Get the subsidiary,
make the deal!
300
00:16:46,396 --> 00:16:47,266
-But sir,
you could go to jail!
301
00:16:47,397 --> 00:16:48,789
-Jail?
302
00:16:48,920 --> 00:16:49,659
Me?
303
00:16:49,791 --> 00:16:52,271
I would love it!
304
00:16:52,620 --> 00:16:53,402
I'm not going to jail.
305
00:16:53,534 --> 00:16:55,491
Nobody's going to find out.
306
00:16:56,145 --> 00:16:57,711
-When will you ever learn,my son,
307
00:16:57,842 --> 00:17:00,148
that thou shalt not steal.
308
00:17:04,501 --> 00:17:06,763
Well, I think it's time
I closed this case and...
309
00:17:06,895 --> 00:17:08,417
Excuse me!
310
00:17:08,549 --> 00:17:10,637
get my well-deserved vacation.
311
00:17:13,032 --> 00:17:16,382
-If convicted, he could face
as much as 45 years behind bars.
312
00:17:16,513 --> 00:17:17,470
However,
due to his income bracket,
313
00:17:17,601 --> 00:17:19,559
he's a likely candidate
for Club Fed,
314
00:17:19,690 --> 00:17:21,474
a highly ambitious
and controversial program
315
00:17:21,605 --> 00:17:23,867
that I, for one,
am in favor of.
316
00:17:23,999 --> 00:17:25,695
[glass shattering]
317
00:17:41,930 --> 00:17:42,147
[knocking]
318
00:17:42,278 --> 00:17:44,192
-Come in!
319
00:17:47,109 --> 00:17:49,328
-I'm sorry, you probably
want to be left alone.
320
00:17:49,720 --> 00:17:52,113
-Help me up, you fool!
321
00:17:59,643 --> 00:18:03,037
-You know, this reminds me
of a guy I once knew in Ohio.
322
00:18:03,169 --> 00:18:06,823
-Agent 976, lovely pink puffin
aromatic spray.
323
00:18:06,955 --> 00:18:08,347
-Just call me 976.
324
00:18:08,478 --> 00:18:10,697
-976, you've been
doing fine work
325
00:18:10,828 --> 00:18:12,873
in the white-collar division
I'm proud of you.
326
00:18:13,004 --> 00:18:14,309
I know you're due
for a vacation,
327
00:18:14,441 --> 00:18:16,050
but for doing
such great work,
328
00:18:16,182 --> 00:18:18,400
I'm giving you
a special bonus this year.
329
00:18:18,532 --> 00:18:21,882
A two-week, all expenses paid
vacation to Club Med!
330
00:18:22,013 --> 00:18:22,970
-That's great!
331
00:18:23,102 --> 00:18:24,580
Thank you very much, sir.
332
00:18:24,712 --> 00:18:27,061
-Actually, it's not Club Med,
it's Club Fed,
333
00:18:27,193 --> 00:18:28,280
but don't worry,
they have all the sports
334
00:18:28,411 --> 00:18:30,717
and recreational facilities
you could ever want!
335
00:18:30,848 --> 00:18:31,587
-Club Fed?
336
00:18:31,719 --> 00:18:33,937
-No need to thank me.
337
00:18:34,069 --> 00:18:35,374
Actually, there is.
338
00:18:35,505 --> 00:18:36,679
Because while you're
having a great time,
339
00:18:36,811 --> 00:18:38,681
I want you to do a little
undercover work for me.
340
00:18:38,813 --> 00:18:40,553
You see, I have
reason to believe
341
00:18:40,684 --> 00:18:42,424
that one of the inmates is
trying to embezzle funds
342
00:18:42,556 --> 00:18:43,512
from Club Fed.
343
00:18:43,644 --> 00:18:45,427
I want you to uncover
the guilty party
344
00:18:45,559 --> 00:18:47,386
and come up with evidence
of corruption!
345
00:18:47,517 --> 00:18:49,344
-You want me to go
to Club Fed for my vacation?
346
00:18:49,476 --> 00:18:52,130
-It's beautiful there,
you'll love it!
347
00:18:52,261 --> 00:18:55,045
I want you to go undercover
as a corrupt investment banker
348
00:18:55,177 --> 00:18:56,482
who's been arrested
for insider trading
349
00:18:56,613 --> 00:18:58,353
and stock manipulation.
350
00:18:58,485 --> 00:18:59,833
Now, don't let
anyone know your identity,
351
00:18:59,964 --> 00:19:02,575
not the inmates, not the staff,
definitely not the warden.
352
00:19:02,706 --> 00:19:04,533
-I'm sorry, sir,
but I'm not really interested
353
00:19:04,665 --> 00:19:07,841
in going to a minimum security
prison for my vacation...
354
00:19:09,104 --> 00:19:12,150
-I want you to stay close
to this woman and protect her.
355
00:19:12,281 --> 00:19:13,803
From your report,
I have a reason to believe
356
00:19:13,935 --> 00:19:15,979
that there may have been
an attempt made on her life.
357
00:19:16,111 --> 00:19:17,720
Now, she's
our number one suspect,
358
00:19:17,852 --> 00:19:18,982
and if she's
the guilty party,
359
00:19:19,114 --> 00:19:21,333
I want her alive.
360
00:19:21,464 --> 00:19:23,161
[romantic music]
361
00:20:15,431 --> 00:20:16,692
[kissing sounds]
362
00:20:16,824 --> 00:20:19,521
What are you doing?
363
00:20:19,827 --> 00:20:20,870
What's the matter with you?
364
00:20:21,002 --> 00:20:22,524
-Sorry, I thought
you were someone else.
365
00:20:22,656 --> 00:20:24,570
-Agent 976, lovely
pink puffin aromatic spray,
366
00:20:24,701 --> 00:20:27,529
I'm depending on you...
367
00:20:28,096 --> 00:20:29,531
Be careful.
368
00:20:29,663 --> 00:20:31,664
Although Club Fed is
a magnificent resort,
369
00:20:31,795 --> 00:20:34,928
it's also a haven for sin,
immorality and inequity.
370
00:20:36,147 --> 00:20:39,541
-Well, I better take this
with me then, sir.
371
00:20:44,634 --> 00:20:46,113
-Now remember,
stay close to that woman
372
00:20:46,245 --> 00:20:48,115
and keep your eyes open
at all times.
373
00:20:48,247 --> 00:20:51,249
And uncover any signs
of corruption that you may find.
374
00:20:51,380 --> 00:20:54,991
And also, don't forget,
have a wonderful vacation!
375
00:20:55,210 --> 00:20:56,689
-Sure I will.
376
00:20:56,820 --> 00:21:00,214
-Ah, with your help, we're going
to close Club Fed forever,
377
00:21:00,346 --> 00:21:02,260
and send those criminals
behind real bars
378
00:21:02,391 --> 00:21:05,088
instead of a vacation
that some liberal judges
379
00:21:05,220 --> 00:21:06,873
handed them in court!
380
00:21:07,004 --> 00:21:08,918
[knocking]
381
00:21:09,050 --> 00:21:10,093
-Angelica Paziotopolous.
382
00:21:10,225 --> 00:21:12,095
[sobbing]
-Yes?
383
00:21:12,227 --> 00:21:13,967
-I have some good news...
384
00:21:14,098 --> 00:21:15,969
and I have some bad news.
385
00:21:17,276 --> 00:21:22,018
The bad news is
for the crime of embezzlement
386
00:21:22,150 --> 00:21:25,500
and misappropriation
of funds,
387
00:21:25,632 --> 00:21:28,329
I'm sentencing you
to 40 years.
388
00:21:30,680 --> 00:21:34,640
The good news is you qualify
for a brand new,
389
00:21:34,771 --> 00:21:37,512
luxurious prison which we got
waiting for us right now,
390
00:21:37,644 --> 00:21:39,035
can you tell us more
about it?
391
00:21:39,167 --> 00:21:40,559
[a man]
Yes I can, judge!
392
00:21:40,690 --> 00:21:42,256
There's now
a new government plan
393
00:21:42,388 --> 00:21:44,258
that's exclusively
for white-collar criminals
394
00:21:44,390 --> 00:21:47,174
who have made at least
200 million dollars a year!
395
00:21:47,306 --> 00:21:50,612
You, Angelica Paziotopolous
will be spending
396
00:21:50,744 --> 00:21:54,747
your next 29 999 nights
and 30 000 days
397
00:21:54,878 --> 00:21:58,490
at the very elegant
and exclusive Club Fed!
398
00:21:59,318 --> 00:22:00,448
That's right, Club Fed.
399
00:22:00,580 --> 00:22:02,624
Translated, that means minimum,
minimum, minimum,
400
00:22:02,756 --> 00:22:04,452
minimum security prison.
401
00:22:04,584 --> 00:22:05,671
This place has it all.
402
00:22:05,802 --> 00:22:07,150
Custom-made bungalows,
403
00:22:07,282 --> 00:22:09,065
trained professional personnel
on staff
404
00:22:09,197 --> 00:22:11,590
catering to your every whim.
405
00:22:11,721 --> 00:22:13,331
Luxury automobiles
at your disposal,
406
00:22:13,462 --> 00:22:17,117
including limousines,
ferraris, gremlins,
407
00:22:17,248 --> 00:22:19,162
all with unlimited mileage.
408
00:22:19,294 --> 00:22:21,469
You'll be flown first class
to Club Fed
409
00:22:21,601 --> 00:22:23,341
on Take A Risk airlines!
410
00:22:23,472 --> 00:22:25,299
You can use
your frequent flyer coupons,
411
00:22:25,431 --> 00:22:27,257
but should you
cancel your reservation,
412
00:22:27,389 --> 00:22:31,131
you'll receive
another criminal charge.
413
00:22:31,262 --> 00:22:33,394
Club Fed
sports activities include
414
00:22:33,526 --> 00:22:37,572
a championship golf course
that golf international magazine
415
00:22:37,704 --> 00:22:40,140
calls "an astonishing
golf experience
416
00:22:40,271 --> 00:22:42,360
for any incarcerated man."
417
00:22:42,491 --> 00:22:45,188
There's also tennis courts,
basketball courts,
418
00:22:45,320 --> 00:22:47,843
a race track, wind surfing,
scuba diving...
419
00:22:47,975 --> 00:22:50,106
[Sherman Hemsley]
♪ Club Fed Revival
420
00:23:01,292 --> 00:23:04,643
Exercise bike,
three way rowing machine,
421
00:23:04,774 --> 00:23:08,037
low or high impact
aerobics classes...
422
00:23:26,187 --> 00:23:28,057
[gunshots]
423
00:23:36,066 --> 00:23:39,242
Get Club Fed souvenirs
for that unforgettable gift
424
00:23:39,374 --> 00:23:41,767
for your abandoned family
back home.
425
00:23:42,246 --> 00:23:43,290
If you're a nature lover,
426
00:23:43,422 --> 00:23:46,293
you'll dig the Club Fed's
magnificent trails.
427
00:23:46,729 --> 00:23:49,296
Currently under construction
are the Club Fed studio,
428
00:23:49,428 --> 00:23:52,299
theme park
and space center.
429
00:23:52,431 --> 00:23:54,606
No wonder that when criminals
think "prison term,"
430
00:23:54,737 --> 00:23:58,740
they think Club Fed!
431
00:23:58,872 --> 00:24:00,960
[Burt]
News World Magazine says
that Club Fed is
432
00:24:01,091 --> 00:24:04,267
the type of place that people
will literally kill for.
433
00:24:04,399 --> 00:24:05,617
Wait, there's more.
434
00:24:05,748 --> 00:24:07,227
Customized bungalows,
435
00:24:07,358 --> 00:24:09,795
the 24-hour bell
and room service.
436
00:24:09,926 --> 00:24:11,884
Beauty and hair salon.
437
00:24:12,015 --> 00:24:14,843
-I caught this ordinary criminal
trying to break in, sir.
438
00:24:15,410 --> 00:24:17,585
-Hey, I'm no
ordinary criminal!
439
00:24:17,717 --> 00:24:20,022
I robbed over 250 7-11s.
440
00:24:20,154 --> 00:24:22,198
-Get him out of here,
come on.
441
00:24:23,331 --> 00:24:26,202
Oh, hello,
Angelica Pa...
442
00:24:26,334 --> 00:24:28,117
-Paziotopolous.
443
00:24:28,249 --> 00:24:30,424
-Oh, whatever.
444
00:24:30,556 --> 00:24:32,948
I'm Burt Boyle,
your warden and host.
445
00:24:33,080 --> 00:24:35,821
-Charmed, I'm sure.
446
00:24:36,126 --> 00:24:38,127
-And this is
vice president Kruger.
447
00:24:39,303 --> 00:24:41,479
And governor Tischman.
448
00:24:43,351 --> 00:24:45,483
And our own mayor, Wu Zhao.
449
00:24:54,275 --> 00:24:55,884
[laughing]
450
00:24:56,016 --> 00:24:57,320
I'm very sure
that you're going to be happy
451
00:24:57,452 --> 00:24:58,931
with our accommodations.
452
00:24:59,062 --> 00:25:01,324
It's so nice to have
such elite criminals
453
00:25:01,456 --> 00:25:02,891
staying with us.
454
00:25:03,023 --> 00:25:06,504
-I'm not a criminal,
you got that?
455
00:25:06,635 --> 00:25:09,376
But don't get me wrong,
I'm not complaining.
456
00:25:10,291 --> 00:25:13,467
Do they take Visa
and American Express, here?
457
00:25:14,077 --> 00:25:16,644
[Burt's voice]
Uh-huh, that's who the chief
is trying to frame.
458
00:25:17,124 --> 00:25:18,820
[arguing]
459
00:25:20,867 --> 00:25:21,649
-Are you free, sir?
460
00:25:21,781 --> 00:25:22,911
-Who is it?
461
00:25:23,043 --> 00:25:23,869
-That Chinese company
foreclosed on us, sir.
462
00:25:24,000 --> 00:25:25,348
-Tell them I'm on the crapper.
463
00:25:25,480 --> 00:25:26,785
-They need you to take it
immediately!
464
00:25:26,916 --> 00:25:28,351
-Mister Farnsworth!
-That's me!
465
00:25:28,483 --> 00:25:30,832
-I'm Jordan Rush
from channel PUTZ.
466
00:25:30,964 --> 00:25:31,746
-You're Jordan Rush!
467
00:25:31,878 --> 00:25:32,747
I watch you all the...
468
00:25:32,879 --> 00:25:34,183
this is my assistant,
Marty Manche.
469
00:25:34,315 --> 00:25:35,794
Jordan.
470
00:25:35,925 --> 00:25:36,969
-You've been milking people
471
00:25:37,100 --> 00:25:38,361
out of hundreds
of millions of dollars.
472
00:25:38,493 --> 00:25:39,406
[Harrison]
Millions!
473
00:25:39,538 --> 00:25:40,450
-And you've just been voted
474
00:25:40,582 --> 00:25:42,714
the world's
most successful criminal!
475
00:25:42,845 --> 00:25:43,802
-We got it!
476
00:25:43,933 --> 00:25:45,630
We got it, I told you
we'd do it!
477
00:25:46,283 --> 00:25:47,414
Woo!
478
00:25:47,546 --> 00:25:49,242
-What do you plan
to do now?
479
00:25:49,373 --> 00:25:51,200
-I'm going to Club Fed!
480
00:25:51,332 --> 00:25:53,551
[happy music]
481
00:25:55,336 --> 00:25:57,206
[gunshots]
482
00:25:57,338 --> 00:25:59,295
[screaming]
483
00:26:03,605 --> 00:26:05,258
[a woman]
Look, there's Sally Rich.
484
00:26:07,870 --> 00:26:10,350
-Wrong door, you cretin!
485
00:26:14,442 --> 00:26:16,574
You're as bad
as your brother!
486
00:26:17,880 --> 00:26:19,577
Where's he headed?
487
00:26:23,669 --> 00:26:25,408
Careful, that's
Louis Vuitton luggage,
488
00:26:25,540 --> 00:26:27,454
for your information!
489
00:26:27,586 --> 00:26:29,717
Don't just lie there,
pick it up, pick it up!
490
00:26:30,023 --> 00:26:31,850
[sigh]
491
00:26:32,460 --> 00:26:34,896
They're all such
little people!
492
00:26:41,034 --> 00:26:43,992
-Let me apologize
for the ineptitude, Mrs. Rich.
493
00:26:44,124 --> 00:26:45,864
I'll make sure
it never happens again.
494
00:26:45,995 --> 00:26:48,127
-You better,
or it'll be your job!
495
00:26:48,258 --> 00:26:49,998
What are you, the head bellboy
around here or what?
496
00:26:50,130 --> 00:26:51,826
-Allow me
to introduce myself.
497
00:26:51,958 --> 00:26:54,742
I'm warden Boyle,
welcome to Club Fed.
498
00:26:56,092 --> 00:26:57,919
[romantic music]
499
00:27:05,928 --> 00:27:07,755
-Hello, warden.
500
00:27:08,496 --> 00:27:10,279
-Call me Burt.
501
00:27:12,065 --> 00:27:13,718
-Only if you call me...
502
00:27:13,849 --> 00:27:15,371
later tonight.
503
00:27:17,548 --> 00:27:19,637
Tell me, warden.
504
00:27:21,204 --> 00:27:23,815
Is there anything a convict
can do around here to win...
505
00:27:24,512 --> 00:27:25,947
special favors?
506
00:27:31,780 --> 00:27:33,476
-Why don't you come up
and visit me later tonight,
507
00:27:33,608 --> 00:27:36,001
and we'll discuss it?
508
00:27:39,440 --> 00:27:40,570
Meanwhile, I'll...
509
00:27:40,702 --> 00:27:42,790
show you the rest
of the grounds.
510
00:27:43,139 --> 00:27:44,400
-Everything?
511
00:27:45,446 --> 00:27:46,664
-Everything.
512
00:27:47,535 --> 00:27:49,362
-Allow me.
513
00:27:56,631 --> 00:27:57,849
-Here we are, Angelica.
514
00:27:57,980 --> 00:27:59,024
the princess suite.
515
00:27:59,155 --> 00:28:01,983
Custom designed
to your satisfaction.
516
00:28:10,253 --> 00:28:12,646
-Hello,
I'm your princess robot!
517
00:28:12,778 --> 00:28:15,562
I don't make beds,
I don't do floors,
518
00:28:15,694 --> 00:28:18,347
and I don't do windows.
519
00:28:22,222 --> 00:28:25,441
-I'm sure even you will find
everything to your satisfaction.
520
00:28:25,878 --> 00:28:27,879
Enjoy your sentence here.
521
00:28:28,010 --> 00:28:29,663
-I can't believe all this,
522
00:28:29,795 --> 00:28:32,535
I mean, it's too good
to be true!
523
00:28:32,667 --> 00:28:33,885
I don't deserve it.
524
00:28:34,016 --> 00:28:35,495
-Oh, I'm sure you do.
525
00:28:35,626 --> 00:28:37,540
[Angelica]
No, I really don't!
526
00:28:37,672 --> 00:28:40,674
See, I didn't commit
any crimes.
527
00:28:40,806 --> 00:28:43,895
I'm not bad enough
for this place.
528
00:28:44,026 --> 00:28:47,115
-Come on, don't be so modest.
529
00:28:47,247 --> 00:28:50,031
I'm sure you're as dastardly
and depraved as they come.
530
00:28:50,990 --> 00:28:51,859
-Gosh...
531
00:28:51,991 --> 00:28:53,992
I must be dreaming.
532
00:28:54,123 --> 00:28:56,472
This is everything
I've ever wanted.
533
00:28:56,909 --> 00:28:59,824
A beautiful pink room.
534
00:28:59,955 --> 00:29:01,390
A canopy bed.
535
00:29:02,523 --> 00:29:04,916
And a transvestite,
536
00:29:05,047 --> 00:29:07,135
wearing a pink silk
chiffon robe
537
00:29:07,267 --> 00:29:09,877
with variable collar and cuffs.
538
00:29:11,227 --> 00:29:13,228
[soothing music]
539
00:29:13,969 --> 00:29:16,884
I guess I never really
wanted a canopy bed.
540
00:29:17,668 --> 00:29:19,104
-Don't tell me.
541
00:29:19,235 --> 00:29:21,062
Am I in the wrong room?
542
00:29:23,892 --> 00:29:25,850
I thought these panties were
a little tight.
543
00:29:29,724 --> 00:29:31,899
-And on that note.
544
00:29:34,685 --> 00:29:37,035
-Allow me
to introduce myself.
545
00:29:37,471 --> 00:29:40,125
My name is Polk,
Howard Polk.
546
00:29:41,127 --> 00:29:43,171
-Paziotopolous.
547
00:29:43,651 --> 00:29:45,913
Angelica Paziotopolous.
548
00:29:46,697 --> 00:29:48,655
[screaming]
549
00:29:48,787 --> 00:29:50,613
There goes my motor control!
550
00:29:50,745 --> 00:29:53,660
-How very enchanting.
551
00:29:53,792 --> 00:29:55,227
[the robot]
Uh-oh, here goes my...
552
00:29:55,358 --> 00:29:57,969
-I'm very sorry
about the mixup.
553
00:29:59,188 --> 00:30:01,146
I told the bellhop
I didn't think this was my room,
554
00:30:01,277 --> 00:30:03,104
but he insisted.
555
00:30:03,236 --> 00:30:04,453
I'll, uh...
556
00:30:04,585 --> 00:30:08,240
just get my things together
and leave you alone.
557
00:30:08,850 --> 00:30:10,677
-Well, maybe this is your room.
558
00:30:10,809 --> 00:30:12,026
[Howard]
No, I don't think so.
559
00:30:12,158 --> 00:30:13,680
The wallpaper's pink,
560
00:30:13,812 --> 00:30:14,724
there's a heart-shaped
bath tub,
561
00:30:14,856 --> 00:30:16,726
and a closet full
of cocktail dresses
562
00:30:16,858 --> 00:30:19,164
and formal evening gowns
that don't fit me.
563
00:30:19,295 --> 00:30:21,035
Especially in the hips.
564
00:30:21,167 --> 00:30:22,297
-Oh.
565
00:30:22,429 --> 00:30:24,952
Well, if you're
absolutely certain...
566
00:30:25,084 --> 00:30:27,041
It was nice meeting you.
567
00:30:27,913 --> 00:30:29,827
-It was my pleasure
meeting you.
568
00:30:31,786 --> 00:30:34,483
I'm sure we'll be seeing
a lot more of each other.
569
00:30:36,225 --> 00:30:38,966
Since we're both
in jail together and all.
570
00:30:42,710 --> 00:30:44,015
[Angelica]
Hey.
571
00:30:44,146 --> 00:30:46,539
You'd never tell a girl
to shut up, would you?
572
00:30:46,888 --> 00:30:48,976
-No.
573
00:30:49,108 --> 00:30:50,630
Of course not.
574
00:30:52,981 --> 00:30:55,504
-I'm just not used
to meeting many gentlemen.
575
00:30:56,680 --> 00:30:59,204
I guess my type
doesn't attract them.
576
00:30:59,335 --> 00:31:01,684
-Oh, don't you
underestimate yourself.
577
00:31:01,816 --> 00:31:04,122
You're kind and sweet.
578
00:31:04,253 --> 00:31:07,255
And I'll bet you're also
great in... board games.
579
00:31:08,214 --> 00:31:10,128
-You know, I did win
a spelling game once,
580
00:31:10,259 --> 00:31:12,043
in third grade.
581
00:31:12,696 --> 00:31:13,609
-How would you like
to accompany me
582
00:31:13,741 --> 00:31:16,047
to the Club Fed
string quartet?
583
00:31:16,178 --> 00:31:17,526
-Yeah!
584
00:31:17,658 --> 00:31:19,137
I'd be honoured.
585
00:31:19,268 --> 00:31:21,879
I'm really looking forward
to it, Howard.
586
00:31:23,969 --> 00:31:25,752
[Howard's voice]
Don't be a chump, Polk.
587
00:31:25,884 --> 00:31:27,885
She's the number one suspect!
588
00:31:40,463 --> 00:31:42,247
[gong sound]
589
00:31:47,427 --> 00:31:48,427
[Burt, high-pitched voice]
Hello?
590
00:31:48,558 --> 00:31:51,082
Is this the Swiss National
Pacific Bank?
591
00:31:51,213 --> 00:31:52,735
My name is Angelica,
592
00:31:52,867 --> 00:31:55,390
and I'd like to open up
a savings account.
593
00:31:55,522 --> 00:31:58,785
I'll be making large deposits
into this account.
594
00:31:59,308 --> 00:32:03,311
I'd like somebody
to call me every day at 12PM.
595
00:32:03,443 --> 00:32:06,706
Yes, 12PM Los Angeles time,
and ask for me.
596
00:32:07,273 --> 00:32:11,711
My number is 213 550 0824.
597
00:32:12,713 --> 00:32:15,236
You can bill my account.
598
00:32:15,716 --> 00:32:17,804
No, no problem.
599
00:32:17,936 --> 00:32:21,286
I'll fax over
all the pertinent information.
600
00:32:22,114 --> 00:32:24,202
Yes, thank you sweetie pie.
601
00:32:38,869 --> 00:32:40,740
[Vince - phone]
Yeah, who is it?
602
00:32:40,871 --> 00:32:41,784
-Hey, chief.
603
00:32:41,916 --> 00:32:44,222
The plan's in action.
604
00:32:44,788 --> 00:32:46,833
[Burt - phone]
How are you going
to bust our convict?
605
00:32:47,487 --> 00:32:49,967
-I told you not to worry,
everything's under control!
606
00:32:50,838 --> 00:32:52,230
-Today, a privileged tour
607
00:32:52,361 --> 00:32:54,928
of the great estate
of Club Fed.
608
00:32:55,060 --> 00:32:58,453
We offer a fine,
wonderful escort service,
609
00:32:58,585 --> 00:33:00,803
and you won't believe
the kind of luxury
610
00:33:00,935 --> 00:33:02,980
that money can buy.
611
00:33:03,111 --> 00:33:06,070
We have a beautiful lounge,
a lovely bar...
612
00:33:15,123 --> 00:33:17,037
[Burt]
Hello, and welcome
to Club Fed.
613
00:33:18,692 --> 00:33:21,911
Burt Boyle,
your host and warden,
614
00:33:22,522 --> 00:33:26,742
and indeed it's a great pleasure
to greet you fine criminals.
615
00:33:28,441 --> 00:33:30,833
Although you've all
probably have seen...
616
00:33:30,965 --> 00:33:33,706
all our wonderful
opportunities we have here,
617
00:33:33,837 --> 00:33:36,230
this is not a vacation.
618
00:33:36,710 --> 00:33:38,972
You weren't sent here
to have a good time.
619
00:33:39,104 --> 00:33:42,149
Club Fed is offering you
a revolutionary,
620
00:33:42,716 --> 00:33:45,500
experimental
work rehabilitation program.
621
00:33:45,632 --> 00:33:47,328
-I knew there was
a catch in this place!
622
00:33:47,460 --> 00:33:49,287
You don't get nothing
in this world for nothing.
623
00:33:50,028 --> 00:33:52,507
-Hold on a moment,
reverend, huh?
624
00:33:52,639 --> 00:33:54,988
We think you're
the best criminals in the world.
625
00:33:55,120 --> 00:33:56,381
We're confident that
if we put you back
626
00:33:56,512 --> 00:33:58,513
into the corporate world,
627
00:33:58,645 --> 00:34:02,126
with therapists
and licensed professionals,
628
00:34:02,257 --> 00:34:03,344
working with you,
629
00:34:03,476 --> 00:34:06,391
studying and analyzing
your business techniques,
630
00:34:06,522 --> 00:34:08,393
you could be transformed
into a...
631
00:34:09,351 --> 00:34:11,831
Legitimate successful
business people.
632
00:34:11,962 --> 00:34:13,224
-Wait, hold on,
wait a minute!
633
00:34:13,355 --> 00:34:15,400
I mean, mister Boyle!
634
00:34:15,531 --> 00:34:17,924
I mean, if we're going
to be working out of Club Fed,
635
00:34:18,056 --> 00:34:19,186
I mean, what happens
to the money
636
00:34:19,318 --> 00:34:20,274
that we're going to earn?
637
00:34:20,406 --> 00:34:21,319
I mean, who gets that?
638
00:34:21,450 --> 00:34:23,930
-Okay Harrison,
good question.
639
00:34:24,453 --> 00:34:27,020
All the money is going
to a special account,
640
00:34:27,152 --> 00:34:29,414
and be distributed
to various charities
641
00:34:29,545 --> 00:34:32,373
that we set up
especially for this experiment.
642
00:34:32,505 --> 00:34:34,723
I am going to administer
the distribution.
643
00:34:34,855 --> 00:34:36,247
[laughing]
644
00:34:36,378 --> 00:34:38,075
-Charity?
645
00:34:41,514 --> 00:34:42,862
You're not kidding?
646
00:34:42,993 --> 00:34:44,298
-I think donating
the money to charity
647
00:34:44,430 --> 00:34:46,909
is a wonderful idea.
648
00:34:47,041 --> 00:34:48,041
-Well, maybe I should just get
someone to break
649
00:34:48,173 --> 00:34:51,088
both of your legs
so you'll qualify!
650
00:34:51,219 --> 00:34:54,047
-Whoa, whoa, whoa,
please, we're a family.
651
00:34:54,657 --> 00:34:56,963
-Hey, wait a minute,
this is a golden opportunity
652
00:34:57,095 --> 00:34:58,921
for you to do
what you do best,
653
00:34:59,053 --> 00:35:01,315
and that's to earn
a great deal of money!
654
00:35:01,447 --> 00:35:03,317
All you have to do
is attend class,
655
00:35:03,449 --> 00:35:04,840
work with the counselors,
656
00:35:04,972 --> 00:35:06,842
and then go
to group therapy.
657
00:35:06,974 --> 00:35:07,887
-Therapy?
658
00:35:08,018 --> 00:35:09,018
What am I, a nut?
659
00:35:09,150 --> 00:35:10,368
What is this,
a medical center?
660
00:35:10,499 --> 00:35:13,327
-You give me back
my cable TV show!
661
00:35:13,459 --> 00:35:16,113
I'll heal
all you motherfuckers!
662
00:35:17,680 --> 00:35:19,420
-But there's nothing
wrong with me.
663
00:35:19,552 --> 00:35:20,987
-No shit.
664
00:35:21,119 --> 00:35:22,510
-Well,
if you're not interested,
665
00:35:22,642 --> 00:35:24,904
I can arrange
for you to be...
666
00:35:25,035 --> 00:35:27,994
relocated to a maximum
security prison.
667
00:35:28,126 --> 00:35:29,082
If you're a little lucky,
668
00:35:29,214 --> 00:35:32,041
the jail cell
might have a light bulb.
669
00:35:32,173 --> 00:35:34,261
[Sally]
Oh, we love Club Fed.
670
00:35:34,871 --> 00:35:35,958
-Yeah.
671
00:35:36,090 --> 00:35:37,395
-It's great, isn't it?
672
00:35:37,526 --> 00:35:39,875
-I always wanted
a therapist of my own.
673
00:35:42,140 --> 00:35:44,097
-Well, folks,
enjoy the rest of the week,
674
00:35:44,229 --> 00:35:47,405
and I'll see you
Monday morning at 6 am.
675
00:35:48,450 --> 00:35:50,277
[upbeat music]
676
00:35:59,069 --> 00:36:00,983
-Oh, oh, oh!
677
00:36:01,115 --> 00:36:02,942
-This is sacrilegious!
678
00:36:03,073 --> 00:36:04,378
They send you
to a federal prison,
679
00:36:04,510 --> 00:36:06,598
and then they expect youto work!
680
00:36:06,729 --> 00:36:09,427
-Hey, it could be worse,
you know!
681
00:36:09,558 --> 00:36:10,863
We could be locked up
in a jail cell
682
00:36:10,994 --> 00:36:12,517
with a lummox named Brawn!
683
00:36:12,648 --> 00:36:13,518
-That's a coincidence.
684
00:36:13,649 --> 00:36:15,476
My name is Brawn.
685
00:36:16,130 --> 00:36:17,391
-I think we better
get this guy to skip
686
00:36:17,523 --> 00:36:19,828
the hot oil
bottom massage, huh?
687
00:36:46,726 --> 00:36:48,205
[beeping]
688
00:36:52,253 --> 00:36:53,427
[a woman - phone]
FBI headquarters.
689
00:36:53,559 --> 00:36:56,648
-Hello, agent 976 lovely pink
puffin aromatic spray.
690
00:36:56,779 --> 00:36:57,953
[a woman - phone]
Social security number?
691
00:36:58,085 --> 00:37:00,260
350 407 462.
692
00:37:00,392 --> 00:37:01,609
[a woman - phone]
Mother's maiden name?
-Stenton.
693
00:37:01,741 --> 00:37:03,089
[a woman - phone]
What can I do for you?
694
00:37:03,221 --> 00:37:05,222
-I'd like to speak
to the director.
695
00:37:06,659 --> 00:37:08,137
-Okay, I know
it's about your motivation...
696
00:37:08,269 --> 00:37:10,662
-Yeah, yeah,
what are you doing here?
697
00:37:10,793 --> 00:37:12,490
-You just said you wanted
to speak to the director.
698
00:37:12,621 --> 00:37:15,493
-I was talking about
the director of the FBI.
699
00:37:15,885 --> 00:37:18,060
Are we filming now?
700
00:37:19,541 --> 00:37:22,239
-Okay, I just wanted to say
you're doing a great job.
701
00:37:22,370 --> 00:37:25,503
-Oh, thanks.
-Your acting is
totally believable.
702
00:37:25,634 --> 00:37:27,026
-It was until this scene.
703
00:37:27,157 --> 00:37:28,897
[sigh]
704
00:37:31,205 --> 00:37:34,207
Uh, line, Anita?
705
00:37:34,339 --> 00:37:36,035
[Anita]
"I'd like to speak
to the director."
706
00:37:36,166 --> 00:37:37,558
-Thank you.
707
00:37:40,693 --> 00:37:42,302
Bippity boppity boop.
708
00:37:44,653 --> 00:37:46,088
I'd like to speak
to the director.
709
00:37:46,220 --> 00:37:48,134
[a woman - telephone]
One moment, please.
710
00:37:48,266 --> 00:37:50,484
[Vince - telephone]
Hello, agent 976 lovely
pink puffin aromatic spray?
711
00:37:50,616 --> 00:37:51,920
What have you come up with?
712
00:37:52,052 --> 00:37:54,314
-Please call me 976.
713
00:37:54,446 --> 00:37:57,448
[Vince - telephone]
Okay, 976,
what have you got for me?
714
00:38:00,060 --> 00:38:01,495
[Howard]
Nothing yet.
715
00:38:01,627 --> 00:38:02,757
But not to worry.
716
00:38:02,889 --> 00:38:05,586
I should be out of here
in about one week.
717
00:38:06,675 --> 00:38:08,328
Over.
718
00:38:28,306 --> 00:38:30,481
I don't think we should use
the public bathrooms anymore.
719
00:38:30,612 --> 00:38:31,612
-I heard that.
720
00:38:31,744 --> 00:38:33,092
[whistling]
721
00:38:33,223 --> 00:38:34,485
[Burt]
Hey, wait a minute Polk,
722
00:38:34,616 --> 00:38:36,269
I want to talk to you
a minute.
723
00:38:36,401 --> 00:38:38,097
Who were you talking to
in the stall?
724
00:38:38,228 --> 00:38:38,967
[splashing]
725
00:38:39,099 --> 00:38:40,142
Shit!
726
00:38:40,274 --> 00:38:41,579
Don't they flush around here?
727
00:38:41,710 --> 00:38:43,232
-Let's go back
to the bungalow.
728
00:38:43,364 --> 00:38:44,538
I've got to check
with clients.
729
00:38:44,670 --> 00:38:45,800
-Okay.
730
00:38:45,932 --> 00:38:47,324
But I refuse to work
with Warden Boyle again.
731
00:38:47,455 --> 00:38:48,890
Do you know the last time
he asked me to dress up
732
00:38:49,022 --> 00:38:49,761
in his great-grandmother's
clothes
733
00:38:49,892 --> 00:38:51,676
and beat him
with her cane?
734
00:38:52,460 --> 00:38:53,765
-I was wondering
where you got
735
00:38:53,896 --> 00:38:56,420
those therapeutic
mesh stockings.
736
00:38:57,639 --> 00:38:58,683
Hi boys!
737
00:38:58,814 --> 00:39:01,033
-Oh, do it again!
738
00:39:01,164 --> 00:39:02,164
-Hurt me!
739
00:39:02,296 --> 00:39:04,471
-What could she
be guilty of, huh?
740
00:39:04,603 --> 00:39:05,864
What is she guilty of?
741
00:39:05,995 --> 00:39:08,170
-You know, she used to work
in the most exceptional,
742
00:39:08,302 --> 00:39:11,609
outstanding and sinful...
743
00:39:11,740 --> 00:39:14,089
escort service
in the whole wide world.
744
00:39:14,221 --> 00:39:15,134
You know the vestibule girl?
745
00:39:15,265 --> 00:39:16,265
-That one?
746
00:39:16,397 --> 00:39:18,137
-I'm a religious man,
but believe me,
747
00:39:18,268 --> 00:39:19,530
they're unbelievable.
748
00:39:19,661 --> 00:39:21,662
Now, if you'll excuse me...
749
00:39:21,794 --> 00:39:23,664
I've got a little consultation
to attend to.
750
00:39:24,274 --> 00:39:25,710
-What?
751
00:39:26,625 --> 00:39:28,408
[laughing]
752
00:39:31,847 --> 00:39:33,848
I don't understand.
753
00:39:33,980 --> 00:39:35,981
He thinks he's
such a ladies man.
754
00:39:36,809 --> 00:39:38,505
I don't buy it.
755
00:39:40,639 --> 00:39:42,553
-Oh, reverend!
756
00:39:43,642 --> 00:39:45,556
Wait for us!
757
00:39:45,687 --> 00:39:47,122
-I just don't buy it.
758
00:39:47,254 --> 00:39:49,124
[soothing music]
759
00:40:02,443 --> 00:40:03,835
-Gosh, if I had known
it was this formal,
760
00:40:03,966 --> 00:40:05,706
I would have worn underwear.
761
00:40:08,318 --> 00:40:09,667
-Shh!
762
00:40:11,234 --> 00:40:12,539
[popping]
763
00:40:15,325 --> 00:40:17,196
Perhaps you'd be
more comfortable
764
00:40:17,327 --> 00:40:19,938
if you went
to a wrestling match!
765
00:40:20,069 --> 00:40:21,679
-Do you have a problem?
766
00:40:21,810 --> 00:40:23,811
-Perhaps if the little lady
won't be quiet,
767
00:40:23,943 --> 00:40:26,553
the little lady...
-Who are you calling
"little lady"?
768
00:40:26,685 --> 00:40:28,816
-Excuse me.
769
00:40:28,948 --> 00:40:32,254
Angelica, when you're listening
to a string quartet...
770
00:40:32,386 --> 00:40:34,822
you're supposed to speak
very softly,
771
00:40:34,954 --> 00:40:37,172
otherwise some people
become annoyed.
772
00:40:37,304 --> 00:40:38,173
-Thank you.
773
00:40:38,305 --> 00:40:40,262
-I see.
774
00:40:41,047 --> 00:40:43,440
-It's also not a great time
to pop your gum here.
775
00:40:45,573 --> 00:40:48,140
-You're right, Howard,
it's very unsophisticated.
776
00:40:52,362 --> 00:40:54,233
[applause]
777
00:41:17,736 --> 00:41:19,650
[coughing]
778
00:41:24,873 --> 00:41:25,917
[knocking]
779
00:41:26,048 --> 00:41:27,745
-I didn't know
I ordered room service.
780
00:41:30,400 --> 00:41:32,184
[romantic music]
781
00:41:33,578 --> 00:41:36,362
-I just thought
I'd knock on your door and...
782
00:41:36,494 --> 00:41:39,626
find out if
you wanted anything.
783
00:41:43,065 --> 00:41:45,763
[Howard's voice]
Come on, there must be
something around here.
784
00:41:46,286 --> 00:41:48,635
I can't keep calling in,
saying, "nothing, nothing!"
785
00:41:49,289 --> 00:41:51,290
Well, hello there.
786
00:41:55,425 --> 00:41:57,209
Let's see.
787
00:41:59,865 --> 00:42:01,213
What's this right here?
788
00:42:03,956 --> 00:42:07,524
-Well, that's a bust.
789
00:42:12,530 --> 00:42:14,313
[Howard's voice]
Hello...
790
00:42:16,925 --> 00:42:20,232
-Beat me, whip me,
make me howl, make me bark.
791
00:42:20,668 --> 00:42:22,277
-Yeah, right.
792
00:42:23,976 --> 00:42:25,890
[beeping]
793
00:42:27,196 --> 00:42:29,850
-This is going to hurt me more
than it is going to hurt you.
794
00:42:31,853 --> 00:42:33,854
[whipping and howling]
795
00:42:34,682 --> 00:42:36,335
-Wait a minute, Harrison!
796
00:42:36,466 --> 00:42:37,945
You can't leverage
that much!
797
00:42:38,077 --> 00:42:39,512
-Well I can, all right?
798
00:42:39,644 --> 00:42:40,687
I do this every day
in real life.
799
00:42:40,819 --> 00:42:41,732
-Oh yeah?
800
00:42:41,863 --> 00:42:43,037
Well it's illegal!
801
00:42:43,169 --> 00:42:44,517
-You just integrated
downstream, didn't you?
802
00:42:44,649 --> 00:42:46,345
Did you have any capital
on the table?
803
00:42:46,476 --> 00:42:47,346
Not a cent!
804
00:42:47,477 --> 00:42:49,478
-Well that
is completely different,
805
00:42:49,610 --> 00:42:52,046
because I am
a man of the cloth!
806
00:42:52,178 --> 00:42:55,441
And I am doing what the church
tells you is good!
807
00:42:55,573 --> 00:42:58,270
-Come on, it's still illegal!
808
00:43:01,013 --> 00:43:01,969
-Tell you what.
809
00:43:02,101 --> 00:43:03,405
Let's make the game
more interesting.
810
00:43:03,537 --> 00:43:04,798
-Yeah, you tell me how.
811
00:43:04,930 --> 00:43:06,887
-No more business ethics.
812
00:43:07,889 --> 00:43:08,454
-Come again?
813
00:43:08,586 --> 00:43:10,891
-No more business ethics.
814
00:43:11,240 --> 00:43:12,197
-Now you're talking, brother!
815
00:43:12,328 --> 00:43:14,591
Woohoo!
816
00:43:15,462 --> 00:43:16,897
[laughing]
817
00:43:17,029 --> 00:43:19,247
-Well, praise the lord,
I'm back in the game!
818
00:43:20,902 --> 00:43:23,425
-Clean up around here!
819
00:43:23,557 --> 00:43:24,992
That couch is filthy!
820
00:43:25,124 --> 00:43:26,907
And when you're through
with that,
821
00:43:27,039 --> 00:43:29,823
I want the windows cleaned,
and the floors waxed!
822
00:43:29,955 --> 00:43:31,433
If anyone calls for me,
823
00:43:31,565 --> 00:43:33,610
I'll be in Palm Srings!
824
00:43:35,438 --> 00:43:37,614
[static]
825
00:43:39,921 --> 00:43:41,792
[ticking]
826
00:43:45,492 --> 00:43:47,798
[whimpering]
827
00:43:47,929 --> 00:43:49,930
[phone ringing]
828
00:43:53,848 --> 00:43:54,631
-Hola?
829
00:43:54,762 --> 00:43:55,719
[a man - telephone]
Hello?
830
00:43:55,850 --> 00:43:57,851
This is the Swiss
National Pacific Bank.
831
00:43:57,983 --> 00:43:59,287
Is this Angelica?
832
00:43:59,419 --> 00:44:01,333
-No comprendo.
833
00:44:01,639 --> 00:44:02,421
-Ow!
834
00:44:02,552 --> 00:44:04,641
-Oh, sorry!
835
00:44:07,862 --> 00:44:08,862
-Oh!
836
00:44:08,994 --> 00:44:09,950
-Sorry!
837
00:44:10,082 --> 00:44:11,822
-It's fine.
838
00:44:14,564 --> 00:44:15,956
-Sorry!
839
00:44:18,830 --> 00:44:19,960
Sorry!
840
00:44:26,576 --> 00:44:27,881
Sorry!
841
00:44:28,013 --> 00:44:31,102
-Angelica, why don't you
wear your glasses more often?
842
00:44:31,233 --> 00:44:33,321
I think it would make a really
big change in your life.
843
00:44:34,715 --> 00:44:36,716
And everyone else's
around you.
844
00:44:38,110 --> 00:44:41,155
-I was told I don't look pretty
with my glasses on.
845
00:44:41,287 --> 00:44:44,550
-Angelica, you'd look
beautiful in bifocals.
846
00:44:44,986 --> 00:44:47,814
Besides, it's what
inside a person that counts.
847
00:44:48,947 --> 00:44:51,818
And inside,
you are very beautiful.
848
00:44:51,950 --> 00:44:53,994
-Howard...
849
00:44:54,126 --> 00:44:56,910
It's probably the nicest thing
anyone has ever said to me.
850
00:44:58,043 --> 00:45:01,001
If it doesn't bother you,
I'll wear my glasses.
851
00:45:02,961 --> 00:45:04,483
[clapping]
852
00:45:07,008 --> 00:45:09,053
[upbeat music]
853
00:45:25,635 --> 00:45:27,593
[screaming]
854
00:45:27,855 --> 00:45:29,638
-Tonight...
855
00:45:29,770 --> 00:45:31,858
The topic of our sermon
will be...
856
00:45:31,990 --> 00:45:34,556
the creation!
857
00:45:34,688 --> 00:45:37,472
And I will be reading
from the Latin text.
858
00:45:37,735 --> 00:45:40,737
[speaking Latin]
859
00:45:41,739 --> 00:45:43,827
-Is he speaking in tongues?
860
00:45:45,307 --> 00:45:46,394
[speaking Latin]
861
00:45:46,526 --> 00:45:48,005
Hallelujah!
862
00:45:49,790 --> 00:45:51,748
♪ Tonight
we're gonna celebrate ♪
863
00:45:51,879 --> 00:45:54,141
♪ Let me tell my story
about creation ♪
864
00:45:54,273 --> 00:45:56,187
♪ The first thing created
was a thing called light ♪
865
00:45:56,318 --> 00:45:57,623
♪ If you're scared
of the darkness ♪
866
00:45:57,755 --> 00:45:58,580
♪ Here is the light
867
00:45:58,712 --> 00:45:59,930
♪ Look at yourself
868
00:46:00,061 --> 00:46:01,192
♪ Look on the left
869
00:46:01,323 --> 00:46:02,933
♪ To the fear of looking
at the darkest of days ♪
870
00:46:03,064 --> 00:46:04,021
♪ Put it in my hand
871
00:46:04,152 --> 00:46:05,239
♪ Put it in my pocket
872
00:46:05,371 --> 00:46:07,894
♪ That's where I like it
so just don't knock it ♪
873
00:46:08,026 --> 00:46:08,590
♪ Look at yourself
874
00:46:08,722 --> 00:46:09,896
♪ Look on the left
875
00:46:10,028 --> 00:46:10,984
♪ Look at you all
876
00:46:11,116 --> 00:46:12,856
♪ Look at my a...
877
00:46:20,908 --> 00:46:23,083
♪ If you've got a need,
now I can fill it ♪
878
00:46:23,215 --> 00:46:25,085
♪ Got a little hurtin',
come let me heal it ♪
879
00:46:25,217 --> 00:46:27,218
♪ Once you feel
the power of my touch ♪
880
00:46:27,349 --> 00:46:30,525
♪ You're gonna jump for joy
and get rid of that crutch ♪
881
00:46:35,575 --> 00:46:37,402
♪ Oh
882
00:46:37,533 --> 00:46:39,839
♪ Yeah
883
00:46:42,321 --> 00:46:43,800
-Boo yah!
884
00:46:45,759 --> 00:46:48,543
What a lovely sermon.
885
00:46:59,773 --> 00:47:02,340
-Angelica,
I'll be right back.
886
00:47:02,950 --> 00:47:05,822
There seems to be a little
backstabbing going on here.
887
00:47:08,173 --> 00:47:10,000
-Tomorrow's prayer meeting...
888
00:47:10,131 --> 00:47:12,524
will be for women only!
889
00:47:13,178 --> 00:47:15,222
And the subject will be...
890
00:47:15,354 --> 00:47:18,138
intimacy and procreation.
891
00:47:18,270 --> 00:47:19,923
Hallelujah.
892
00:47:27,148 --> 00:47:28,322
[Harrison]
What a sermon, Tessler.
893
00:47:28,454 --> 00:47:30,498
You got them rolling
in the aisles up there huh?
894
00:47:30,630 --> 00:47:31,891
-Hallelujah.
895
00:47:32,023 --> 00:47:32,979
You never know when
the spirit's gonna move you.
896
00:47:33,111 --> 00:47:34,633
[laughing]
897
00:47:35,896 --> 00:47:37,201
I've never seen
this statue before.
898
00:47:37,332 --> 00:47:39,029
How grotesque!
899
00:47:39,160 --> 00:47:40,595
Must be the work of Satan!
900
00:47:40,727 --> 00:47:42,380
-Hey, you know something?
901
00:47:42,511 --> 00:47:45,209
You're perfectly right.
902
00:47:45,775 --> 00:47:47,080
I've never seen anything
more hideous and repulsive
903
00:47:47,212 --> 00:47:48,255
in my entire life.
904
00:47:48,387 --> 00:47:49,691
[laughing]
905
00:47:49,823 --> 00:47:50,997
I'm going to recommend
906
00:47:51,129 --> 00:47:52,912
that they dispose of this
immediately, come on.
907
00:47:56,003 --> 00:47:58,178
-Today, we're going to begin
reading books.
908
00:47:58,614 --> 00:48:00,659
Moby Dick,
the story of a whale.
909
00:48:00,965 --> 00:48:02,095
Do you like to read?
910
00:48:02,227 --> 00:48:03,575
-Oh yes,
I'm very well read.
911
00:48:03,706 --> 00:48:05,272
And I love animal stories.
912
00:48:05,404 --> 00:48:08,014
One of my favorites is...
913
00:48:08,407 --> 00:48:10,930
The Cat in the Hat
Comes Back.
914
00:48:12,280 --> 00:48:14,281
-What about
Horton Hears a Who?
915
00:48:14,413 --> 00:48:15,587
-Yes!
916
00:48:15,718 --> 00:48:17,197
Green Eggs and Ham!
917
00:48:17,329 --> 00:48:20,070
-One Fish, Two Fish,
Red Fish, Blue Fish!
918
00:48:22,900 --> 00:48:24,639
And then we'll read Pygmalion.
919
00:48:24,771 --> 00:48:26,554
-Oh, I love pigs!
920
00:48:28,122 --> 00:48:30,036
[upbeat music]
921
00:48:43,877 --> 00:48:45,704
[bell ringing]
922
00:48:57,891 --> 00:48:59,239
[bell ringing]
923
00:49:03,897 --> 00:49:05,158
-Good morning, class.
924
00:49:05,290 --> 00:49:07,291
I am professor Les Pilot.
925
00:49:07,857 --> 00:49:09,336
-Fatso.
926
00:49:09,468 --> 00:49:11,599
-I am here to teach you
about ethics.
927
00:49:11,731 --> 00:49:13,340
-This is ridiculous.
928
00:49:13,472 --> 00:49:15,734
You want me to take
a class in ethics?
929
00:49:15,865 --> 00:49:17,954
This is a bunch
of bullshit!
930
00:49:35,711 --> 00:49:37,321
[screaming]
931
00:49:39,367 --> 00:49:40,977
-Yay!
932
00:49:43,719 --> 00:49:46,156
[screaming]
933
00:49:57,516 --> 00:49:59,996
-Next time, I'll put you
in the corner with a dunce cap!
934
00:50:09,658 --> 00:50:12,356
Today, we are going to discuss
the approved methods
935
00:50:12,487 --> 00:50:14,793
of behavior
in the business world.
936
00:50:14,924 --> 00:50:18,014
Turn your textbooks
to page 2943.
937
00:50:20,452 --> 00:50:22,192
-2000...
938
00:50:22,323 --> 00:50:23,149
What, teacher?
939
00:50:23,281 --> 00:50:25,673
-2943.
940
00:50:28,460 --> 00:50:30,461
-Angelica, why do you have
a deposit slip
941
00:50:30,592 --> 00:50:33,203
from a Swiss bank
in your purse?
942
00:50:33,334 --> 00:50:34,508
[Les]
Mister Polk!
943
00:50:34,640 --> 00:50:37,076
If you have something
so interesting to say,
944
00:50:37,208 --> 00:50:39,644
maybe you'd like to share it
with the rest of the class.
945
00:50:42,126 --> 00:50:45,302
[Howard's voice]
WHy does Angelica have
a Swiss savings account?
946
00:50:46,391 --> 00:50:48,696
And how could she have made
a transaction yesterday
947
00:50:48,828 --> 00:50:50,872
from Club Fed?
948
00:50:51,613 --> 00:50:54,180
Is it possible that I've
fallen in love with a criminal?
949
00:50:55,617 --> 00:50:57,879
Are those her real breasts?
950
00:50:58,011 --> 00:50:59,490
And if they're not, do I have
to keep them away
951
00:50:59,621 --> 00:51:02,362
from highly flammable areas?
952
00:51:02,494 --> 00:51:07,063
[Angelica's voice]
141, 142, 143...
953
00:51:08,456 --> 00:51:12,155
Gosh, I'll never get to 2943.
954
00:51:13,374 --> 00:51:13,982
[whistle]
955
00:51:14,114 --> 00:51:15,201
[Jezebel]
Hello, reverend.
956
00:51:15,333 --> 00:51:17,508
I'm going to be monitoring
and supervising
957
00:51:17,639 --> 00:51:20,772
your religioethical
proficiency.
958
00:51:20,903 --> 00:51:21,903
[the reverend]
What?
959
00:51:22,035 --> 00:51:25,298
You question
my divine enlightenment, child?
960
00:51:25,430 --> 00:51:26,908
This is blasphemy!
961
00:51:27,040 --> 00:51:28,258
I could have you stoned.
962
00:51:28,389 --> 00:51:29,824
Or turned into a leper.
963
00:51:29,956 --> 00:51:31,913
-Please, reverend.
964
00:51:32,045 --> 00:51:34,264
It's been a long day.
965
00:51:34,395 --> 00:51:35,134
We're going to play a game
966
00:51:35,266 --> 00:51:36,918
called "suffer
the consequences."
967
00:51:37,050 --> 00:51:38,268
If you can prove to me
968
00:51:38,399 --> 00:51:41,097
that you can conduct
your affairs legitimately...
969
00:51:42,360 --> 00:51:43,534
you will win the game.
970
00:51:43,665 --> 00:51:46,406
I will step aside
and leave you alone.
971
00:51:46,973 --> 00:51:50,193
However, everytime you do
something fraudulent,
972
00:51:50,585 --> 00:51:52,108
or unethical...
973
00:51:52,239 --> 00:51:55,372
one of your possessions
will be confiscated.
974
00:51:55,895 --> 00:51:56,938
[laughing]
975
00:51:57,070 --> 00:51:58,331
-And what is this?
976
00:51:58,463 --> 00:52:00,507
One of Satan's gay shows?
977
00:52:00,639 --> 00:52:02,553
Can I buy a vowel?
978
00:52:02,684 --> 00:52:05,817
-All right,
I think we can begin.
979
00:52:06,732 --> 00:52:09,473
I'm looking
for a tax shelter...
980
00:52:09,909 --> 00:52:13,825
and I have about seven
million dollars to invest.
981
00:52:14,653 --> 00:52:16,306
-Well, well.
982
00:52:16,437 --> 00:52:18,351
You've come
to the right person!
983
00:52:18,483 --> 00:52:20,353
I've got this church
I'm about to tear down
984
00:52:20,485 --> 00:52:22,486
on some valuable land
in New Jersey!
985
00:52:24,576 --> 00:52:26,881
[buzzer]
986
00:52:28,101 --> 00:52:29,884
-I'm sorry, reverend.
987
00:52:30,016 --> 00:52:31,930
You're trying
to defraud me.
988
00:52:32,061 --> 00:52:33,584
Let's see.
989
00:52:33,715 --> 00:52:36,848
I think I'll take
your escort.
990
00:52:37,632 --> 00:52:39,329
-Please come with me, ma'am.
991
00:52:39,634 --> 00:52:40,982
-What do you think
you're doing?
992
00:52:41,114 --> 00:52:43,681
This is a pious
esthete disciple of mine!
993
00:52:43,812 --> 00:52:47,119
and I will not allow her
to be manhandled like that!
994
00:52:47,251 --> 00:52:49,948
Young man,
you are officially cursed!
995
00:52:52,386 --> 00:52:53,343
-All right.
996
00:52:53,474 --> 00:52:55,345
I think you know
how to play the game.
997
00:52:55,607 --> 00:52:56,824
Remember.
998
00:52:56,956 --> 00:53:00,176
Follow the rules,
or suffer the consequences.
999
00:53:03,745 --> 00:53:05,485
-Let's see what Harrison
is up to.
1000
00:53:07,575 --> 00:53:08,445
[Brawn]
Now remember, Harrison.
1001
00:53:08,576 --> 00:53:09,837
No illegal
or unauthorized technique.
1002
00:53:09,969 --> 00:53:10,882
Is that understood?
1003
00:53:11,013 --> 00:53:12,927
-Yes, it's understood.
1004
00:53:13,059 --> 00:53:14,407
I just don't understand,
Brawn.
1005
00:53:14,539 --> 00:53:15,974
You still think it's necessary
1006
00:53:16,105 --> 00:53:18,411
for me to be
electronically rigged?
1007
00:53:18,934 --> 00:53:21,414
-Shock treatment in rats
is always used, yes, rats.
1008
00:53:21,546 --> 00:53:23,460
-Rat? Am I a rat?
1009
00:53:23,591 --> 00:53:25,418
-Rats are people
who do things illegal.
1010
00:53:25,550 --> 00:53:28,465
You know, cheat, lie.
1011
00:53:28,596 --> 00:53:29,466
[Howard's voice]
Better get a little...
1012
00:53:29,597 --> 00:53:32,643
Oops, hope nobody noticed.
1013
00:53:33,166 --> 00:53:34,906
As long as I'm not
too obvious.
1014
00:53:36,169 --> 00:53:37,865
Let's see, this is good.
1015
00:53:53,317 --> 00:53:54,491
-Now, you know,
I don't have the capital
1016
00:53:54,622 --> 00:53:56,667
to take out a loan, but...
1017
00:53:56,798 --> 00:53:58,495
Do you suppose
that you could help me?
1018
00:53:58,626 --> 00:54:00,061
What do you think
you could do for me?
1019
00:54:00,193 --> 00:54:01,628
-You want a loan?
1020
00:54:01,760 --> 00:54:03,587
This is Harrison
you're talking to.
1021
00:54:03,718 --> 00:54:04,718
Don't worry about it.
1022
00:54:04,850 --> 00:54:07,417
I will personally
oversee your loan, Brawn.
1023
00:54:07,548 --> 00:54:09,245
And you'll qualify.
1024
00:54:09,985 --> 00:54:11,029
[buzzing]
1025
00:54:11,160 --> 00:54:13,031
[screaming]
1026
00:54:13,337 --> 00:54:14,075
What was that?
1027
00:54:14,207 --> 00:54:15,381
-That was 1000 volts,
1028
00:54:15,513 --> 00:54:18,471
and it'll increase each time
you do something bad.
1029
00:54:18,603 --> 00:54:20,386
Like cheat, steal, lie.
1030
00:54:20,518 --> 00:54:21,561
-Are you kidding?
1031
00:54:21,693 --> 00:54:23,389
I was just trying
to help you out, Brawn!
1032
00:54:23,521 --> 00:54:25,391
[whimpering]
1033
00:54:29,222 --> 00:54:31,092
-Get your clubs.
1034
00:54:31,790 --> 00:54:33,921
[Howard's voice]
What is he screaming about?
1035
00:54:38,884 --> 00:54:39,927
-Looks like I'm going
to use a nine iron,
1036
00:54:40,059 --> 00:54:41,102
what about you?
1037
00:54:41,234 --> 00:54:44,105
-I don't know, Brawn,
I'm in that trap there.
1038
00:54:44,237 --> 00:54:45,411
I'll probably use...
1039
00:54:45,543 --> 00:54:47,152
a pitching wedge.
1040
00:54:47,284 --> 00:54:48,501
-Look, I don't know
if I should buy that business.
1041
00:54:48,633 --> 00:54:51,069
The numbers
don't seem to match.
1042
00:54:51,636 --> 00:54:52,940
Are you going to be able
to help me or not?
1043
00:54:53,072 --> 00:54:54,072
-You need help?
1044
00:54:54,203 --> 00:54:55,291
Sure.
1045
00:54:55,422 --> 00:54:58,163
Hey, you promise
not to tell anybody, Brawn.
1046
00:54:58,643 --> 00:55:01,079
I'll get you one
for 110%.
1047
00:55:01,210 --> 00:55:02,385
[buzzing]
1048
00:55:02,516 --> 00:55:03,429
[screaming]
1049
00:55:04,605 --> 00:55:06,519
Whoa, whoa!
1050
00:55:06,651 --> 00:55:08,086
You don't talk
to me anymore!
1051
00:55:08,217 --> 00:55:10,044
No more, no!
1052
00:55:10,481 --> 00:55:11,959
No loan for you, Brawn!
1053
00:55:12,091 --> 00:55:12,395
No more loan!
1054
00:55:12,526 --> 00:55:13,700
Look at me!
1055
00:55:13,832 --> 00:55:15,398
I'm becoming luminous!
1056
00:55:16,617 --> 00:55:18,749
I'm the luminous man!
1057
00:55:18,880 --> 00:55:21,142
[Howard's voice]
You should punish him
for being a lousy golfer.
1058
00:55:21,274 --> 00:55:23,493
Oh! Maybe I'll see
what's down here.
1059
00:55:37,116 --> 00:55:38,986
[buzzing]
1060
00:55:44,297 --> 00:55:45,819
I don't get it.
1061
00:55:45,951 --> 00:55:47,473
Yeah, I was right.
1062
00:55:55,308 --> 00:55:58,310
-This is demonic
and profane.
1063
00:55:58,442 --> 00:56:00,399
Every deal I propose
to raise money
1064
00:56:00,531 --> 00:56:04,011
for the poor and the needy,
you tell me it's illegal!
1065
00:56:05,362 --> 00:56:06,710
Would you please
turn up the heat?
1066
00:56:06,841 --> 00:56:10,235
-Please be scrupulous,
reverend, I beg you.
1067
00:56:10,367 --> 00:56:12,324
Nobody wants your underwear.
1068
00:56:12,456 --> 00:56:14,631
-All right, I think
I have a solution.
1069
00:56:14,762 --> 00:56:18,330
I am willing to take
a capital gamble
1070
00:56:18,462 --> 00:56:20,854
and transfer
all the investor's capital
1071
00:56:20,986 --> 00:56:23,596
into one of
my non-profit organizations.
1072
00:56:23,728 --> 00:56:25,685
Now, in a shorter time...
1073
00:56:25,817 --> 00:56:27,513
[buzzer]
1074
00:56:33,390 --> 00:56:35,739
Does anybody have
a fig leaf?
1075
00:56:36,349 --> 00:56:38,089
-They took all the furniture!
1076
00:56:47,708 --> 00:56:50,057
[organ music]
1077
00:56:54,802 --> 00:56:57,108
-Wow, this guy really knows
how to live.
1078
00:57:14,343 --> 00:57:15,561
-Oh, reverend!
1079
00:57:16,258 --> 00:57:17,781
You're not the padre!
1080
00:57:28,357 --> 00:57:29,793
-Ah!
1081
00:57:29,924 --> 00:57:32,796
Preacher man, thank you so much
for setting me free!
1082
00:57:33,667 --> 00:57:36,277
Now, let Penny set you free.
1083
00:57:36,409 --> 00:57:38,323
Oh, you big man, you!
1084
00:57:38,759 --> 00:57:40,107
Hallelujah, brother!
1085
00:57:40,239 --> 00:57:42,458
Penny is ready!
1086
00:57:44,286 --> 00:57:45,722
-Today, we will begin
1087
00:57:45,853 --> 00:57:47,680
our group therapy session,
1088
00:57:48,508 --> 00:57:49,639
which will hopefully
enable us
1089
00:57:49,770 --> 00:57:53,730
to better understand ourselves,
who we are,
1090
00:57:53,861 --> 00:57:56,428
and why we have chosen
a life of crime.
1091
00:57:56,560 --> 00:57:57,908
I've decided
to focus my attention
1092
00:57:58,039 --> 00:58:00,954
on Sally Rich,
and I've asked Harrison
1093
00:58:01,086 --> 00:58:04,262
and reverend Tessler
to roleplay her parents.
1094
00:58:08,354 --> 00:58:09,572
-Okay.
1095
00:58:12,010 --> 00:58:14,707
I don't know what's the matter
with our daughter, darling.
1096
00:58:14,839 --> 00:58:16,883
-She's constantly stealing
from the charity box
1097
00:58:17,015 --> 00:58:18,189
that's supposed to be going
to the poor,
1098
00:58:18,320 --> 00:58:20,713
underprivileged people
in a third-world country!
1099
00:58:20,845 --> 00:58:22,715
-What's wrong with that?
1100
00:58:22,847 --> 00:58:24,412
-She's really a good girl.
1101
00:58:24,544 --> 00:58:26,763
I mean, look,
she needs time.
1102
00:58:26,894 --> 00:58:30,288
She didn't mean to steal
or murder anyone.
1103
00:58:30,507 --> 00:58:32,899
-She's also a harlot.
1104
00:58:33,031 --> 00:58:34,901
I caught her in bed
with the mailman,
1105
00:58:35,033 --> 00:58:36,816
the milkman,
and the butler.
1106
00:58:36,948 --> 00:58:39,297
All at the same time.
1107
00:58:39,516 --> 00:58:41,647
-What's wrong with that?
1108
00:58:42,823 --> 00:58:44,345
-She's a loving girl!
1109
00:58:44,477 --> 00:58:45,738
She gives of herself!
1110
00:58:45,870 --> 00:58:46,913
-That's what I'm talking about!
1111
00:58:47,045 --> 00:58:48,741
She gives of herself
to everybody!
1112
00:58:49,526 --> 00:58:50,787
Face the facts, darling.
1113
00:58:50,918 --> 00:58:53,267
Our daughter is deviant,
unscrupulous,
1114
00:58:53,399 --> 00:58:54,312
and a slut.
1115
00:58:54,443 --> 00:58:55,792
[whining]
1116
00:58:55,923 --> 00:58:58,098
And those are
her best qualities.
1117
00:58:58,230 --> 00:58:59,883
-Oh!
1118
00:59:00,449 --> 00:59:02,276
Thank you!
1119
00:59:02,495 --> 00:59:04,844
Oh, thank you!
1120
00:59:05,846 --> 00:59:07,194
I can't believe it!
1121
00:59:07,326 --> 00:59:08,848
I'm finally appreciated!
1122
00:59:08,980 --> 00:59:10,720
-I'm so ashamed!
1123
00:59:10,851 --> 00:59:12,678
-I really am!
1124
00:59:15,160 --> 00:59:17,291
-I've checked out
several of the inmates, sir.
1125
00:59:17,423 --> 00:59:19,076
I haven't got
anything yet.
1126
00:59:19,207 --> 00:59:20,207
-What's the matter with you?
1127
00:59:20,339 --> 00:59:21,774
You should have found
something by now!
1128
00:59:21,906 --> 00:59:23,384
I want evidence,
not excuses!
1129
00:59:23,516 --> 00:59:25,386
Check the blonde bimbo's
room again!
1130
00:59:25,518 --> 00:59:26,562
-Don't worry, sir,
1131
00:59:26,693 --> 00:59:27,954
if there's anything illegal
going on here,
1132
00:59:28,086 --> 00:59:29,826
I'll get our man.
1133
00:59:31,480 --> 00:59:33,569
Or woman.
1134
00:59:35,354 --> 00:59:36,572
[Burt]
Hey.
1135
00:59:36,703 --> 00:59:37,834
Hey, who are you talking to
on the telephone?
1136
00:59:38,313 --> 00:59:39,270
-My...
1137
00:59:39,401 --> 00:59:41,054
My electrologist.
1138
00:59:41,186 --> 00:59:43,840
I have this terrible problem
with unruly nasal hair.
1139
00:59:43,971 --> 00:59:45,232
As you can see.
1140
00:59:45,364 --> 00:59:46,320
-Get away from me.
1141
00:59:46,452 --> 00:59:47,844
I don't trust you
for a minute.
1142
00:59:47,975 --> 00:59:48,845
I don't know
what you're up to,
1143
00:59:48,976 --> 00:59:50,890
but I swear I'll watch
every move you make
1144
00:59:51,022 --> 00:59:52,979
until I found out
what's going on here.
1145
00:59:53,111 --> 00:59:54,415
Don't think I'm not aware
1146
00:59:54,547 --> 00:59:56,635
of every little thing
that goes on.
1147
01:00:03,425 --> 01:00:04,904
-Why don't you buzz off?
1148
01:00:05,036 --> 01:00:06,906
-Hey, you!
1149
01:00:07,908 --> 01:00:09,996
Remember what I said.
1150
01:00:10,694 --> 01:00:13,391
-That guy is
a serious asshole.
1151
01:00:15,394 --> 01:00:17,438
-Oh, Angelica.
1152
01:00:17,570 --> 01:00:19,092
Say it ain't so.
1153
01:00:19,224 --> 01:00:21,878
[Angelica]
I just wanted to tell you,
Howard, that...
1154
01:00:22,357 --> 01:00:24,750
being here, at Club Fed...
1155
01:00:25,578 --> 01:00:27,927
it's been the greatest time
in my life!
1156
01:00:29,538 --> 01:00:31,365
And it's because of you.
1157
01:00:32,759 --> 01:00:35,761
You're the first person
who's ever treated me
1158
01:00:35,893 --> 01:00:37,894
with dignity and respect.
1159
01:00:38,896 --> 01:00:40,113
You've helped to gain
some self-confidence,
1160
01:00:40,245 --> 01:00:43,639
and even some measure
of grace and refinement.
1161
01:00:46,077 --> 01:00:47,947
I think we've both
had enough to drink.
1162
01:00:53,911 --> 01:00:55,781
Oh, oh, allow me, Howard.
1163
01:00:56,914 --> 01:00:58,392
[gagging]
1164
01:00:59,917 --> 01:01:01,352
[screaming]
1165
01:01:09,970 --> 01:01:11,754
-You know, Angelica...
1166
01:01:12,581 --> 01:01:14,321
You should always remember...
1167
01:01:15,367 --> 01:01:17,890
that it's a terrible thing
to break the law.
1168
01:01:18,805 --> 01:01:22,329
You should always try
to be a good...
1169
01:01:23,636 --> 01:01:25,855
law-abiding person.
1170
01:01:26,770 --> 01:01:29,162
-Oh, Howard,
you're something else.
1171
01:01:29,294 --> 01:01:31,077
I mean, when you've had
too much to drink
1172
01:01:31,209 --> 01:01:32,992
and your defences are gone,
1173
01:01:33,124 --> 01:01:35,778
you become even more honest
and decent.
1174
01:01:35,909 --> 01:01:37,562
[glass shattering]
1175
01:01:37,911 --> 01:01:39,695
It's just another reason
why I love you.
1176
01:01:41,523 --> 01:01:44,525
Why I admire you so much.
1177
01:01:44,657 --> 01:01:46,353
[romantic music]
1178
01:02:07,898 --> 01:02:09,028
-Waiter?
1179
01:02:09,160 --> 01:02:10,682
-Yes, sir?
1180
01:02:10,814 --> 01:02:11,944
-Could you remove
this table, please?
1181
01:02:12,076 --> 01:02:14,077
-Yes sir, right away.
1182
01:02:28,005 --> 01:02:29,832
[screaming]
1183
01:02:44,064 --> 01:02:46,109
[phone ringing]
1184
01:02:47,720 --> 01:02:49,503
[high-pitched voice]
-Hello?
1185
01:02:49,635 --> 01:02:51,462
[a man - phone]
Ja,this is the Swiss
National Pacific Bank,
1186
01:02:51,593 --> 01:02:52,550
is this Angelica?
1187
01:02:52,681 --> 01:02:54,204
-Yes, it is.
1188
01:02:54,335 --> 01:02:58,164
I'd love to transfer some money
into my account, sweetie.
1189
01:02:58,818 --> 01:03:01,167
[a man - phone]
My name is Sully,
what is your account number?
1190
01:03:01,299 --> 01:03:04,214
-3149212.
1191
01:03:04,345 --> 01:03:05,911
[Sully - phone]
And you are
miss Paziotopolous?
1192
01:03:06,043 --> 01:03:07,217
-Yes.
1193
01:03:07,348 --> 01:03:08,435
[Sully - phone]
Thank you very much.
1194
01:03:08,567 --> 01:03:10,873
-Thank you very much.
1195
01:03:11,004 --> 01:03:12,222
-Please, Harrison!
1196
01:03:12,353 --> 01:03:14,964
-Tess, please stop,
you're making me nervous!
1197
01:03:15,095 --> 01:03:16,487
-I'm insecure enough!
1198
01:03:16,618 --> 01:03:18,054
None of us has even met
1199
01:03:18,185 --> 01:03:20,665
this real estate
syndicator before.
1200
01:03:20,797 --> 01:03:22,623
-You're such a worrybird,
Tess, you know that, don't you?
1201
01:03:22,755 --> 01:03:24,147
-I can't believe you!
1202
01:03:24,278 --> 01:03:25,626
Here we are,
doing business legally
1203
01:03:25,758 --> 01:03:27,933
for the first time
in our lives...
1204
01:03:28,065 --> 01:03:29,152
And you look like somebody
1205
01:03:29,283 --> 01:03:30,980
who's having
a difficult time with menopause.
1206
01:03:31,111 --> 01:03:32,633
-Well I'm sorry, Tess.
1207
01:03:32,765 --> 01:03:34,157
This is the new me.
1208
01:03:34,288 --> 01:03:36,072
I'm merely asserting
my femininity.
1209
01:03:36,203 --> 01:03:37,856
[knocking]
1210
01:03:39,293 --> 01:03:42,513
Oh, dear, Tess, are you lucky
you're not a woman.
1211
01:03:42,644 --> 01:03:44,123
-Come in!
1212
01:03:46,779 --> 01:03:48,084
-Hello, boys.
1213
01:03:48,215 --> 01:03:49,650
-Hi.
-Howdy-do.
1214
01:03:49,782 --> 01:03:51,217
-You must be Fred.
1215
01:03:51,349 --> 01:03:53,567
-And you must be abnormal.
1216
01:03:54,047 --> 01:03:55,613
-He's just going
through a phase.
1217
01:03:55,744 --> 01:03:57,789
-Don't apologize
for me, Tess.
1218
01:03:57,921 --> 01:04:00,139
Let's just cut
to the quick, okay?
1219
01:04:02,186 --> 01:04:04,535
Everybody knows
you're losing money.
1220
01:04:04,666 --> 01:04:05,797
Everybody knows that.
1221
01:04:05,929 --> 01:04:09,061
Nobody's buying
your houses, right?
1222
01:04:09,193 --> 01:04:10,628
And the market is dead.
1223
01:04:10,759 --> 01:04:12,108
It's a dead market.
1224
01:04:12,239 --> 01:04:14,066
So what I've done,
I'm about to take...
1225
01:04:14,198 --> 01:04:17,374
all of your houses
off your hands.
1226
01:04:17,505 --> 01:04:19,158
I'm buying everything.
1227
01:04:19,290 --> 01:04:21,204
I'm giving you a fair price,here.
1228
01:04:21,814 --> 01:04:23,684
Here is the contract.
1229
01:04:23,816 --> 01:04:25,991
[clearing throat]
1230
01:04:27,820 --> 01:04:28,776
-You've got a deal.
1231
01:04:28,908 --> 01:04:30,866
-I'm so proud
of both of you.
1232
01:04:30,997 --> 01:04:33,651
You have actually made
a legal business deal.
1233
01:04:34,783 --> 01:04:36,784
Congratulations.
1234
01:04:36,916 --> 01:04:38,961
-Oh good, now maybe
I can get my shorts back!
1235
01:04:41,573 --> 01:04:43,182
-Could you hold on
just one moment?
1236
01:04:43,314 --> 01:04:44,705
I'm putting
my associate on the line.
1237
01:04:45,969 --> 01:04:48,144
All right, Angelica,
go ahead, close the deal.
1238
01:04:48,536 --> 01:04:49,623
-Howard, I can't do this.
1239
01:04:49,755 --> 01:04:51,364
I don't have
any experience,
1240
01:04:51,496 --> 01:04:53,366
and I certainly don't have
the background or training
1241
01:04:53,498 --> 01:04:56,543
to talk to a vice president
of a major company!
1242
01:04:56,675 --> 01:04:58,197
-Don't be intimidated.
1243
01:04:58,329 --> 01:05:00,112
You don't need any background
or formal training
1244
01:05:00,244 --> 01:05:02,332
to succeed in business.
1245
01:05:02,463 --> 01:05:05,726
All you need is common sense
and practical decision making.
1246
01:05:05,858 --> 01:05:07,598
You've got that!
1247
01:05:10,863 --> 01:05:12,255
Wait, wait, wait.
1248
01:05:12,386 --> 01:05:14,735
You can do this
all yourself.
1249
01:05:14,867 --> 01:05:17,042
You don't need
those glasses.
1250
01:05:17,174 --> 01:05:18,043
Just try it.
1251
01:05:18,175 --> 01:05:20,002
-Okay.
1252
01:05:21,308 --> 01:05:22,134
Hello?
1253
01:05:22,266 --> 01:05:24,789
This is Angelica speaking.
1254
01:05:24,921 --> 01:05:27,052
I want you to get
all the employees together.
1255
01:05:27,184 --> 01:05:28,793
We've got the funds in place.
1256
01:05:28,925 --> 01:05:30,621
Let's get this leverage...
1257
01:05:30,752 --> 01:05:31,404
[whispering]
-Buyout.
1258
01:05:31,536 --> 01:05:33,058
[Angelica]
Buyout done.
1259
01:05:33,886 --> 01:05:35,974
[suspenseful music]
1260
01:05:39,544 --> 01:05:40,761
-Just make sure the chairman
of the board
1261
01:05:40,893 --> 01:05:43,068
gets his half million
in cash.
1262
01:05:44,331 --> 01:05:46,115
-Howard!
1263
01:05:46,246 --> 01:05:46,854
What are you doing?
1264
01:05:46,986 --> 01:05:48,682
You know that's not legal.
1265
01:05:48,814 --> 01:05:50,075
-Um...
1266
01:05:53,253 --> 01:05:54,819
-Well, well.
1267
01:05:54,951 --> 01:05:57,300
I've finally caught you
doing something illegal.
1268
01:05:57,779 --> 01:05:58,779
I didn't know what it was
1269
01:05:58,911 --> 01:06:01,260
but I knew
you were up to no good.
1270
01:06:01,392 --> 01:06:04,350
We're trying to give
people like you a break, Polk.
1271
01:06:04,482 --> 01:06:06,309
But you don't deserve it.
1272
01:06:06,440 --> 01:06:08,572
You're the scum of the earth.
1273
01:06:11,010 --> 01:06:13,969
And I'm here to see
that you suffer.
1274
01:06:15,232 --> 01:06:16,188
-Yeah?
1275
01:06:16,320 --> 01:06:18,277
What are you going to do?
1276
01:06:20,802 --> 01:06:22,107
-Hello darling.
1277
01:06:22,239 --> 01:06:23,761
-Oh no, not that!
1278
01:06:23,892 --> 01:06:25,632
Not Jaja!
1279
01:06:28,288 --> 01:06:30,115
-No, no, not again!
1280
01:06:39,473 --> 01:06:41,300
[organ music]
1281
01:06:43,956 --> 01:06:47,176
-Forgive me reverend,
for I have sinned.
1282
01:06:47,612 --> 01:06:49,395
-Haven't we all?
1283
01:06:49,527 --> 01:06:51,571
-I remember when I was
a little baby.
1284
01:06:51,703 --> 01:06:52,529
[the reverend]
Look, sister.
1285
01:06:52,660 --> 01:06:54,313
Save us all
a lot of time,
1286
01:06:54,445 --> 01:06:55,967
why don't you just ask Him
for forgiveness
1287
01:06:56,099 --> 01:06:58,317
and we'll call it a day,
hallelujah.
1288
01:06:58,449 --> 01:07:02,800
-You see, I was
the only baby in the family.
1289
01:07:02,931 --> 01:07:04,845
My mommy and daddy
spoiled me.
1290
01:07:04,977 --> 01:07:07,152
They were always bringing me
wonderful things,
1291
01:07:07,284 --> 01:07:08,153
A toy.
1292
01:07:08,285 --> 01:07:09,850
A teddy bear.
1293
01:07:09,982 --> 01:07:11,200
A training bra.
1294
01:07:11,331 --> 01:07:13,550
-What was that I heard
about a training bra?
1295
01:07:13,681 --> 01:07:17,902
-They brought me up with good,
strong, traditional values.
1296
01:07:18,208 --> 01:07:20,339
But unfortunately,
1297
01:07:20,471 --> 01:07:23,038
I fell in love
with a criminal who framed me.
1298
01:07:23,996 --> 01:07:25,997
And I promised myself
1299
01:07:26,129 --> 01:07:29,131
I would never let that
happen again.
1300
01:07:29,480 --> 01:07:31,394
Oh, reverend.
1301
01:07:31,525 --> 01:07:34,310
I think I'm falling in love
with another criminal.
1302
01:07:34,441 --> 01:07:36,181
[laughing]
1303
01:07:36,791 --> 01:07:38,923
I knew she couldn't
resist me.
1304
01:07:39,359 --> 01:07:40,707
-I beg your pardon?
1305
01:07:40,839 --> 01:07:42,361
-Listen, sister.
1306
01:07:42,493 --> 01:07:44,711
You've got to stop
hiding your feelings!
1307
01:07:44,843 --> 01:07:47,758
You've got to let him know
how you really feel, hallelujah.
1308
01:07:48,368 --> 01:07:50,021
-But he's a criminal.
1309
01:07:50,153 --> 01:07:52,328
-Look, we're all flesh
under the skin.
1310
01:07:52,459 --> 01:07:54,330
Now you just ask Him
for forgiveness.
1311
01:07:54,461 --> 01:07:56,332
Lest we forget!
1312
01:07:56,463 --> 01:07:58,508
Covet thy neighbour
as I sayeth.
1313
01:07:58,639 --> 01:08:00,162
Hallelujah.
1314
01:08:00,293 --> 01:08:01,337
[organ music]
1315
01:08:01,468 --> 01:08:03,426
[Tess's voice]
I think I've got her now.
1316
01:08:06,560 --> 01:08:09,214
-Oh, boy, bimbo!
1317
01:08:11,130 --> 01:08:12,522
-Now, over here
I have something
1318
01:08:12,653 --> 01:08:14,872
that I know
you're going to love.
1319
01:08:15,874 --> 01:08:19,311
It was constructed during
the neo-toe-post-pedio period.
1320
01:08:20,270 --> 01:08:23,098
It's called "Demon
with Large Feet."
1321
01:08:26,014 --> 01:08:27,363
-Angelica.
1322
01:08:27,494 --> 01:08:29,713
-We have nothing
to talk about.
1323
01:08:29,844 --> 01:08:31,410
$800.
1324
01:08:31,542 --> 01:08:33,412
-$800?
1325
01:08:33,544 --> 01:08:35,458
Ma'am, I want you
to look at these feet!
1326
01:08:35,589 --> 01:08:38,765
-Angelica, I know
how upset you must be, but...
1327
01:08:38,897 --> 01:08:41,899
I had a very, very good reason
for acting the way I did.
1328
01:08:42,030 --> 01:08:43,335
-Oh, Howard.
1329
01:08:43,467 --> 01:08:46,338
I am so disappointed
in you.
1330
01:08:46,470 --> 01:08:49,124
I mean you,
of all people,
1331
01:08:49,255 --> 01:08:51,038
you've always preached to me
the importance
1332
01:08:51,170 --> 01:08:53,867
of being honest
and trustworthy.
1333
01:08:54,260 --> 01:08:56,261
Why did you do this?
1334
01:08:59,222 --> 01:09:01,266
-I shouldn't be
telling you this, but...
1335
01:09:03,530 --> 01:09:06,532
I am an undercover agent
for the FBI.
1336
01:09:06,968 --> 01:09:08,665
-Please don't insult me,
1337
01:09:08,796 --> 01:09:11,189
I'm not a bimbo anymore.
1338
01:09:11,321 --> 01:09:13,148
$1500.
1339
01:09:13,671 --> 01:09:15,976
-$1500!
1340
01:09:16,108 --> 01:09:19,066
Do I hear $1700!
1341
01:09:19,198 --> 01:09:20,503
-Angelica,
if you don't believe me,
1342
01:09:20,634 --> 01:09:22,418
here's my identification card.
1343
01:09:22,549 --> 01:09:25,464
-Come on, that looks
nothing like you.
1344
01:09:25,596 --> 01:09:28,119
-Well, that's because
I'm undercover now!
1345
01:09:28,251 --> 01:09:30,034
-Angelica, I had
to protect my cover,
1346
01:09:30,166 --> 01:09:32,297
so I pretended
to be crooked.
1347
01:09:32,429 --> 01:09:33,733
Please.
1348
01:09:33,865 --> 01:09:35,866
Please,
you've got to believe me.
1349
01:09:37,260 --> 01:09:38,999
[Tess's voice]
You just ask him
for forgiveness,
1350
01:09:39,131 --> 01:09:40,958
and we'll call it a day.
1351
01:09:42,569 --> 01:09:45,441
-Oh Howard,
of course I believe you!
1352
01:09:45,572 --> 01:09:47,573
I'm sorry
for ever doubting you.
1353
01:09:47,705 --> 01:09:49,836
I should have used
my common sense.
1354
01:09:50,447 --> 01:09:52,317
$2000!
1355
01:09:52,449 --> 01:09:54,058
-$2000!
1356
01:09:54,190 --> 01:09:57,322
$2000 once,
$2000 twice,
1357
01:09:57,454 --> 01:09:59,542
$2000, sold!
1358
01:09:59,673 --> 01:10:02,501
To the woman sitting next
to the undercover FBI agent.
1359
01:10:09,944 --> 01:10:12,032
-Angelica?
1360
01:10:12,556 --> 01:10:14,992
This is your phone bill
from your bungalow.
1361
01:10:15,863 --> 01:10:17,386
Apparently, you've been making
an awful lot of calls
1362
01:10:17,517 --> 01:10:19,214
to Switzerland?
1363
01:10:19,650 --> 01:10:21,520
-Not me.
1364
01:10:21,652 --> 01:10:24,088
The only long-distance calls
I made were...
1365
01:10:24,220 --> 01:10:26,699
to South Yemen, Zaire,
and Norway,
1366
01:10:26,831 --> 01:10:28,353
and it's only because
I accidentally dialed
1367
01:10:28,485 --> 01:10:30,225
too many numbers.
1368
01:10:31,488 --> 01:10:33,097
-Well apparently,
all these calls were made
1369
01:10:33,229 --> 01:10:35,360
right around noon time.
1370
01:10:37,537 --> 01:10:38,450
It's almost noon now.
1371
01:10:38,582 --> 01:10:40,496
Why don't we go back
to your bungalow?
1372
01:10:49,636 --> 01:10:51,028
[Angelica]
This is is ridiculous.
1373
01:10:51,812 --> 01:10:53,335
-You wouldn't know anything
about that, would you?
1374
01:10:53,466 --> 01:10:55,250
[speaking Spanish]
1375
01:11:04,172 --> 01:11:05,564
-Gracias.
1376
01:11:07,698 --> 01:11:09,481
It's a shame that gracias
is the only word I speak
1377
01:11:09,613 --> 01:11:11,875
or understand in Spanish.
1378
01:11:12,006 --> 01:11:13,485
-Me too.
1379
01:11:14,270 --> 01:11:15,182
What are we going to do?
1380
01:11:15,314 --> 01:11:17,272
If only we had
something else to go on
1381
01:11:17,403 --> 01:11:19,578
besides deposit slips
and my phone bill.
1382
01:11:20,232 --> 01:11:22,146
-I have a feeling
that any second,
1383
01:11:22,278 --> 01:11:23,539
we are going
to get a phone call
1384
01:11:23,670 --> 01:11:26,106
that's going to help us
bust this thing wide open.
1385
01:11:26,238 --> 01:11:28,326
[phone ringing]
1386
01:11:30,155 --> 01:11:31,111
Yes she is.
1387
01:11:31,243 --> 01:11:33,288
May I ask who's calling?
1388
01:11:34,246 --> 01:11:36,465
Swiss National
Pacific Bank?
1389
01:11:37,597 --> 01:11:39,424
What is this regarding?
1390
01:11:40,687 --> 01:11:42,384
Really?
1391
01:11:42,994 --> 01:11:44,560
Who asked you to call here?
1392
01:11:46,214 --> 01:11:47,345
I see.
1393
01:11:48,695 --> 01:11:51,958
No, she will not be transferring
any money today.
1394
01:11:54,788 --> 01:11:56,920
Could I get the number
you're calling from, please?
1395
01:12:01,099 --> 01:12:03,013
Thank you very much.
1396
01:12:03,144 --> 01:12:04,754
-What happened?
1397
01:12:04,885 --> 01:12:07,322
-He was told to call this number
every day at noon.
1398
01:12:08,193 --> 01:12:09,976
-But I'm never here at noon.
1399
01:12:10,108 --> 01:12:11,761
-Exactly.
1400
01:12:11,892 --> 01:12:13,937
However, someone
is picking up this phone
1401
01:12:14,068 --> 01:12:16,156
and transferring funds
into a dummy account
1402
01:12:16,288 --> 01:12:18,028
under your name
1403
01:12:18,508 --> 01:12:20,944
I don't have any proof,
1404
01:12:21,075 --> 01:12:23,207
but I'll bet that Burt Boyle
is implicated
1405
01:12:23,339 --> 01:12:24,687
in all of this somehow.
1406
01:12:24,818 --> 01:12:26,776
-Warden Boyle?
1407
01:12:27,386 --> 01:12:29,387
Why do you think
he's involved?
1408
01:12:29,519 --> 01:12:31,346
-Well, when you've been
doing this as long as I have
1409
01:12:31,477 --> 01:12:34,566
you tend to have a visceral,
deep-seated, borne,
1410
01:12:34,698 --> 01:12:37,482
innate, intuitive,
instinctive, inherent,
1411
01:12:37,614 --> 01:12:39,571
intrinsic...
1412
01:12:39,703 --> 01:12:43,096
I don't know
what you call it.
1413
01:12:43,315 --> 01:12:45,272
-Premonition?
1414
01:12:45,578 --> 01:12:47,449
-For lack of a better word.
1415
01:12:49,365 --> 01:12:51,496
I think I'm going to pay
mister Boyle a little visit.
1416
01:12:51,628 --> 01:12:52,758
Let me hit the party.
1417
01:12:52,890 --> 01:12:54,586
This shouldn't take me
very long.
1418
01:12:54,718 --> 01:12:55,108
-Can I go with you?
1419
01:12:55,240 --> 01:12:56,675
-No.
1420
01:12:56,807 --> 01:12:59,635
Whoever is doing this
is very dangerous.
1421
01:12:59,766 --> 01:13:01,201
Angelica, I don't want you
involved in this
1422
01:13:01,333 --> 01:13:03,726
any more
than you already are.
1423
01:13:03,857 --> 01:13:06,555
Stay away
from Burt's office.
1424
01:13:06,686 --> 01:13:08,383
[upbeat music]
1425
01:13:27,403 --> 01:13:29,534
-I'm going to skin you alive!
1426
01:13:34,105 --> 01:13:35,714
Hey.
1427
01:13:35,846 --> 01:13:37,368
What are you doing
with all this luggage?
1428
01:13:37,500 --> 01:13:39,675
-I'm afraid I'm going off
by myself.
1429
01:13:39,806 --> 01:13:41,416
I'm going to leave you behind.
1430
01:13:41,547 --> 01:13:45,115
But first, I'm going to have
to tie you up over here.
1431
01:13:45,246 --> 01:13:47,422
-Not too tight, white man.
1432
01:13:48,946 --> 01:13:51,426
What are you going
to do to me, white man?
1433
01:13:52,602 --> 01:13:55,125
You're going to spoil
and violate me,
1434
01:13:55,256 --> 01:13:57,040
aren't you, white man?
1435
01:14:01,611 --> 01:14:03,089
-Okay?
1436
01:14:03,221 --> 01:14:05,440
-Hm, great.
1437
01:14:07,834 --> 01:14:08,704
Do you know,
1438
01:14:08,835 --> 01:14:11,576
I'm originally
from Indianapolis?
1439
01:14:15,929 --> 01:14:17,452
[knocking]
1440
01:14:26,723 --> 01:14:28,245
[muffled speaking]
1441
01:14:39,910 --> 01:14:41,563
[muffled speaking]
1442
01:14:45,916 --> 01:14:47,699
Take me already!
1443
01:14:47,831 --> 01:14:50,136
This foreplay
is killing me!
1444
01:15:04,804 --> 01:15:05,804
[wood breaking]
1445
01:15:05,936 --> 01:15:08,241
-Yes, yes!
1446
01:15:18,905 --> 01:15:20,645
-Has anyone of you
seen Howard?
1447
01:15:20,777 --> 01:15:22,168
-No.
1448
01:15:23,606 --> 01:15:25,476
I know this may be a little
difficult for you, Tess,
1449
01:15:25,608 --> 01:15:28,523
but really, I think
I'm worth the wait.
1450
01:15:28,872 --> 01:15:30,655
Huh?
1451
01:15:31,701 --> 01:15:33,571
-Hm...
1452
01:15:33,703 --> 01:15:36,356
-Apparently, Boyle
opened up two savings accounts.
1453
01:15:36,488 --> 01:15:39,055
One under Angelica's name,
and one under his.
1454
01:15:39,186 --> 01:15:41,405
He stole money from
the Club Fed charity fund
1455
01:15:41,537 --> 01:15:43,886
and deposited it
into her account
1456
01:15:44,017 --> 01:15:45,365
using the phone
from her bungalow
1457
01:15:45,497 --> 01:15:46,889
when she wasn't there.
1458
01:15:47,020 --> 01:15:48,934
Then he later transferred it
into his account
1459
01:15:49,066 --> 01:15:50,849
using a private telephone!
1460
01:15:50,981 --> 01:15:53,765
Everything conveniently
leading back to her.
1461
01:15:53,897 --> 01:15:56,855
-You did
an incredible job!
1462
01:15:56,987 --> 01:15:58,901
You accomplished exactly
what I wanted you to!
1463
01:15:59,032 --> 01:16:00,206
I'm so proud of you,
1464
01:16:00,338 --> 01:16:03,470
agent 976 lovely pink puffin
aromatic spray.
1465
01:16:03,602 --> 01:16:05,821
-Do me a favor,
call me Howard.
1466
01:16:05,952 --> 01:16:08,737
-Hi, I'm Mina,
is this the party line?
1467
01:16:08,868 --> 01:16:10,826
-No!
-No!
1468
01:16:10,957 --> 01:16:11,914
[Nina - telephone]
Sorry.
1469
01:16:12,045 --> 01:16:13,742
-Say, Howie...
1470
01:16:14,526 --> 01:16:16,048
What's the...
1471
01:16:16,180 --> 01:16:18,573
Swiss savings account number
of Boyle's?
1472
01:16:18,704 --> 01:16:19,922
You know, I'll need that
to transfer the money
1473
01:16:20,053 --> 01:16:21,358
for safekeeping.
1474
01:16:21,489 --> 01:16:24,361
-34912.
1475
01:16:24,710 --> 01:16:26,276
-Wonderful!
1476
01:16:26,407 --> 01:16:27,886
-Dirty double-crosser.
1477
01:16:28,018 --> 01:16:29,540
You're not going
to get away with that.
1478
01:16:29,672 --> 01:16:30,759
-I'm going to set up
a press conference
1479
01:16:30,890 --> 01:16:32,848
tomorrow morning
at 6 AM,
1480
01:16:32,979 --> 01:16:34,414
where we'll expose
the Club Fed
1481
01:16:34,546 --> 01:16:36,939
for what it really is
and send those criminals
1482
01:16:37,070 --> 01:16:39,594
back behind maximum
security bars where they belong!
1483
01:16:39,725 --> 01:16:40,986
[Howard - telephone]
What are you talking about?
1484
01:16:41,118 --> 01:16:42,422
The criminals
didn't do anything wrong,
1485
01:16:42,554 --> 01:16:44,381
it was Boyle!
1486
01:16:44,512 --> 01:16:45,295
Hello?
1487
01:16:45,992 --> 01:16:47,210
Hello!
1488
01:16:48,342 --> 01:16:50,387
Hello.
1489
01:16:50,518 --> 01:16:51,736
[laughing]
1490
01:16:54,218 --> 01:16:56,611
-I couldn't have planned it
any better.
1491
01:16:57,569 --> 01:16:58,874
I get all the money.
1492
01:16:59,005 --> 01:17:00,484
Boyle and Angelica
get busted.
1493
01:17:00,616 --> 01:17:02,051
Club Fed is overthrown!
1494
01:17:02,182 --> 01:17:04,749
What a great way
to end the day!
1495
01:17:11,801 --> 01:17:14,106
-Thanks to you, Hooligan knows
I have money in my account.
1496
01:17:14,238 --> 01:17:15,891
And he's planning
a great big double-cross,
1497
01:17:16,022 --> 01:17:17,588
but he's not going
to get away with it,
1498
01:17:17,720 --> 01:17:18,807
because I'm just
transferring that money
1499
01:17:18,938 --> 01:17:20,460
to a different account.
1500
01:17:20,592 --> 01:17:23,638
I'm out of here
just after the press conference.
1501
01:17:23,769 --> 01:17:25,901
-You wouldn't be interested
in taking me along, would you?
1502
01:17:26,032 --> 01:17:27,946
I have a nice smile,
terrific personality,
1503
01:17:28,078 --> 01:17:30,427
and I know a lot of great
bed and breakfast places.
1504
01:17:30,558 --> 01:17:31,602
-Sorry.
1505
01:17:31,734 --> 01:17:32,734
I'm tying you up
down in the basement.
1506
01:17:32,865 --> 01:17:34,431
Eventually, someone
is going to find you,
1507
01:17:34,562 --> 01:17:36,476
but it's going to be too late.
1508
01:17:36,739 --> 01:17:38,435
I got this nice bomb
for my birthday,
1509
01:17:38,566 --> 01:17:40,089
and I've been just waiting
to use it.
1510
01:17:40,220 --> 01:17:42,657
And you're the perfect
person for it.
1511
01:17:42,788 --> 01:17:44,528
-Yeah, I'm sure I'll get
a big bang out of it.
1512
01:17:44,660 --> 01:17:46,051
[Sally]
You know...
1513
01:17:46,183 --> 01:17:47,574
Before I met you,
1514
01:17:47,706 --> 01:17:50,186
the doctors told me
I was frigid.
1515
01:17:50,317 --> 01:17:53,885
I think that that's why I was
such an intolerable person,
1516
01:17:54,017 --> 01:17:56,671
and why I turned
to a life of crime.
1517
01:17:57,629 --> 01:17:59,021
But you have tamed me!
1518
01:17:59,152 --> 01:18:01,937
You have transformed me!
1519
01:18:02,068 --> 01:18:04,504
And given me
a new lease on life!
1520
01:18:04,636 --> 01:18:08,378
Oh god, you're wonderful,
I feel like singing!
1521
01:18:09,206 --> 01:18:12,295
♪ It's a new world
I see ♪
1522
01:18:14,211 --> 01:18:17,430
♪ It's a new world
for me ♪
1523
01:18:29,313 --> 01:18:32,576
-At the press conference,
at precisely 6 AM,
1524
01:18:32,925 --> 01:18:35,927
when you're going to join
your ancestors,
1525
01:18:36,059 --> 01:18:38,538
Angelica will be
arrested for murder.
1526
01:18:38,670 --> 01:18:40,497
-Wait, Burt, wait, wait.
1527
01:18:40,628 --> 01:18:43,021
If I were you,
I'd just give myself up.
1528
01:18:43,153 --> 01:18:44,631
Come on, look!
1529
01:18:44,763 --> 01:18:46,982
You stole an incredible
amount of money from charity.
1530
01:18:47,113 --> 01:18:48,723
You're about to kill
an innocent man
1531
01:18:48,854 --> 01:18:51,029
and frame an innocent woman
for murder!
1532
01:18:51,596 --> 01:18:53,249
Come on, hey!
1533
01:18:53,380 --> 01:18:55,512
What could a vile,
detestable person like yourself
1534
01:18:55,643 --> 01:18:58,428
possibly do after this
for an encore?
1535
01:18:58,559 --> 01:19:00,038
[beeping]
1536
01:19:10,571 --> 01:19:12,355
You got me on that one.
1537
01:19:15,663 --> 01:19:17,099
[chatter]
1538
01:19:28,067 --> 01:19:28,937
-Howard?
1539
01:19:29,068 --> 01:19:30,416
Howard!
1540
01:19:31,592 --> 01:19:33,855
Yes, have you seen Howard?
1541
01:19:33,986 --> 01:19:35,900
-No, but...
1542
01:19:36,597 --> 01:19:37,902
how about me and you?
1543
01:19:41,515 --> 01:19:42,080
[groaning]
1544
01:19:42,212 --> 01:19:43,516
-Where is he, big guy?
1545
01:19:43,648 --> 01:19:44,735
-I don't know!
1546
01:19:44,867 --> 01:19:46,389
I was just asked
to guard this door.
1547
01:19:57,749 --> 01:19:58,618
[Howard]
Angelica, get out of here,
1548
01:19:58,750 --> 01:19:59,968
there's a bomb set
to go off any minute,
1549
01:20:00,099 --> 01:20:01,708
save yourself!
1550
01:20:02,275 --> 01:20:04,450
-Don't worry, Howard,
I know how to disconnect bombs!
1551
01:20:04,582 --> 01:20:05,408
-You do?
1552
01:20:05,539 --> 01:20:06,496
-Yes.
1553
01:20:06,627 --> 01:20:07,627
[suspenseful music]
1554
01:20:07,759 --> 01:20:11,066
-Uh-oh, I don't like
the sound of that music.
1555
01:20:11,197 --> 01:20:13,764
-Be prepared
to meet your maker.
1556
01:20:13,896 --> 01:20:15,984
-Could we please
take this disagreement
1557
01:20:16,115 --> 01:20:17,072
to a different place?
1558
01:20:17,203 --> 01:20:19,683
There's a bomb
about to go off here!
1559
01:20:19,815 --> 01:20:22,294
-I'm going to kill you
with my bare hands!
1560
01:20:22,426 --> 01:20:24,688
-I don't know who you are
or what you want,
1561
01:20:24,820 --> 01:20:25,689
but I'm a little bit
busy right now,
1562
01:20:25,821 --> 01:20:27,169
do you think
we could talk later?
1563
01:20:27,300 --> 01:20:28,387
-Oh, that sounds
like a good idea.
1564
01:20:28,519 --> 01:20:30,215
Maybe we could all go
bowling or something.
1565
01:20:30,347 --> 01:20:32,957
-I'm going to enjoy this.
1566
01:20:33,567 --> 01:20:35,873
[screeching]
1567
01:20:36,657 --> 01:20:38,006
[popping sound]
1568
01:20:38,137 --> 01:20:38,963
-What?
1569
01:20:39,095 --> 01:20:40,399
-Not to worry, Howard.
1570
01:20:40,531 --> 01:20:42,053
I just disconnected
the positive
1571
01:20:42,185 --> 01:20:43,054
and negative circuits.
1572
01:20:43,186 --> 01:20:45,622
This bomb is not going off.
1573
01:20:45,753 --> 01:20:47,145
-How do you know
what to do?
1574
01:20:47,277 --> 01:20:49,060
-When I lived with Louis,
he used to get bombs
1575
01:20:49,192 --> 01:20:50,975
sent to him all the time.
1576
01:20:51,237 --> 01:20:54,152
-You lived
with my Louis?
1577
01:20:54,284 --> 01:20:56,111
[dramatic music]
1578
01:20:56,242 --> 01:20:57,634
[groaning]
1579
01:20:57,765 --> 01:20:59,070
-Howard, are you free?
1580
01:20:59,202 --> 01:21:01,856
-I think I managed
to unbutton my right sleeve.
1581
01:21:01,987 --> 01:21:05,250
-Who do you want to donate
your organs to?
1582
01:21:05,556 --> 01:21:07,122
-Maybe we should reconsider
that bowling idea,
1583
01:21:07,253 --> 01:21:08,993
that sounded
like a lot of fun.
1584
01:21:15,696 --> 01:21:17,872
-You little slut!
1585
01:21:20,745 --> 01:21:22,572
[screaming]
1586
01:21:23,182 --> 01:21:25,531
Any dying requests?
1587
01:21:25,663 --> 01:21:27,098
-I want to get married,
1588
01:21:27,230 --> 01:21:29,535
have children,
a big house.
1589
01:21:34,454 --> 01:21:36,586
[screaming]
1590
01:21:37,805 --> 01:21:40,155
-Put her down!
1591
01:21:43,202 --> 01:21:45,160
[screaming]
1592
01:22:01,220 --> 01:22:02,699
Wait, wait!
1593
01:22:02,830 --> 01:22:04,266
Wait.
1594
01:22:04,397 --> 01:22:05,223
You wouldn't hit a girl
with glasses on, would you?
1595
01:22:05,355 --> 01:22:06,311
Please!
1596
01:22:06,443 --> 01:22:08,879
Let her take
her glasses off first.
1597
01:22:09,011 --> 01:22:11,099
-I'll let you take
your glasses off.
1598
01:22:11,230 --> 01:22:12,404
You're gonna die...
1599
01:22:12,536 --> 01:22:15,233
before you can see your life
pass before you!
1600
01:22:17,410 --> 01:22:19,672
[screaming in pain]
1601
01:22:21,545 --> 01:22:22,849
-Pick up your glasses,
put them on,
1602
01:22:22,981 --> 01:22:24,286
come over here
and help untie me!
1603
01:22:28,334 --> 01:22:29,726
Yeah!
1604
01:22:31,642 --> 01:22:33,121
I was right
about this sleeve.
1605
01:22:33,905 --> 01:22:34,861
-What happened to her?
1606
01:22:34,993 --> 01:22:37,168
-It's a long story,
I'll tell you later.
1607
01:22:37,300 --> 01:22:38,735
Come on, let's get out of here!
1608
01:22:38,866 --> 01:22:41,651
[screaming]
1609
01:22:46,700 --> 01:22:49,267
You really are something,
you know that?
1610
01:22:49,399 --> 01:22:50,747
I don't know what
was more impressive,
1611
01:22:50,878 --> 01:22:52,183
you beating
that neanderthal woman
1612
01:22:52,315 --> 01:22:54,142
or disarming the bomb!
1613
01:22:54,273 --> 01:22:56,274
[explosion]
1614
01:23:00,584 --> 01:23:02,977
I think beating up
the neanderthal woman.
1615
01:23:04,849 --> 01:23:06,676
[a man]
There's our guy.
1616
01:23:14,380 --> 01:23:16,512
[Vince]
Welcome, ladies and gentlemen.
1617
01:23:17,253 --> 01:23:19,950
I called this press conference
to make the public aware
1618
01:23:20,082 --> 01:23:23,301
of what's been going on
here at Club Fed.
1619
01:23:24,173 --> 01:23:27,958
Since its opening, the FBI
has had an undercover agent
1620
01:23:28,090 --> 01:23:31,005
posing as a convict,
working behind the scenes.
1621
01:23:31,919 --> 01:23:33,311
And due to his fine work,
1622
01:23:33,443 --> 01:23:34,834
we have exposed
the corrupt system
1623
01:23:34,966 --> 01:23:38,186
of this so-called
penal institution.
1624
01:23:38,883 --> 01:23:40,840
As a matter of fact, we have
compiled conclusive proof
1625
01:23:40,972 --> 01:23:42,320
that one of the inmates,
1626
01:23:42,452 --> 01:23:46,455
Angelica Pazapapalooza,
1627
01:23:46,586 --> 01:23:49,284
has been stealing money
from Club Fed
1628
01:23:49,415 --> 01:23:51,547
that had been designated
for charity!
1629
01:23:51,678 --> 01:23:53,418
I promise you
that she will be prosecuted
1630
01:23:53,550 --> 01:23:55,681
to the fullest extent
of the law!
1631
01:23:58,033 --> 01:24:00,251
This just goes to show,
1632
01:24:00,383 --> 01:24:02,514
that once a criminal,
always a criminal.
1633
01:24:02,646 --> 01:24:05,300
So this Mickey Mouse operation
is nothing more
1634
01:24:05,431 --> 01:24:07,824
than a waste
of taxpayers' money.
1635
01:24:07,955 --> 01:24:10,000
We should never, never,
1636
01:24:10,132 --> 01:24:11,480
give preferential treatment
to crooks
1637
01:24:11,611 --> 01:24:13,482
just because
they happen to be rich!
1638
01:24:13,613 --> 01:24:15,353
Now we can put them back
where they belong
1639
01:24:15,485 --> 01:24:16,398
in the first place!
1640
01:24:16,529 --> 01:24:18,313
Behind bars!
1641
01:24:18,444 --> 01:24:22,230
And we will close
the gates of Club Fed forever!
1642
01:24:22,883 --> 01:24:24,710
[fanfare]
1643
01:24:28,889 --> 01:24:29,802
Something very disturbing
1644
01:24:29,934 --> 01:24:31,674
has also been brought
to my attention.
1645
01:24:31,805 --> 01:24:34,981
It seems that
this, uh, Parabopoulous...
1646
01:24:35,113 --> 01:24:38,028
was not alone,
in her operation.
1647
01:24:38,160 --> 01:24:41,640
There was another person,
besides, uh, Pazaloctopus
1648
01:24:41,772 --> 01:24:43,555
who was
misappropriating funds.
1649
01:24:43,687 --> 01:24:45,949
And what is so shocking,
what is so disheartening
1650
01:24:46,081 --> 01:24:47,777
is that he is not
one of the criminals, he is...
1651
01:24:47,908 --> 01:24:49,822
[gunshot]
1652
01:24:51,086 --> 01:24:52,869
[woman's voice]
Shh, we must have silence.
1653
01:24:56,047 --> 01:24:58,092
-Arrest that man immediately!
1654
01:25:00,573 --> 01:25:01,573
As I was saying,
1655
01:25:01,705 --> 01:25:03,358
what is so shocking
and so disheartening,
1656
01:25:03,489 --> 01:25:05,011
is that he is not
one of the criminals,
1657
01:25:05,143 --> 01:25:08,232
he is an employee
here at Club Fed!
1658
01:25:10,801 --> 01:25:13,977
I used to think that he was
a close personal friend of mine.
1659
01:25:14,109 --> 01:25:17,285
We used to eat at
each other's houses for dinner!
1660
01:25:17,416 --> 01:25:18,895
I set him up
with his third wife.
1661
01:25:19,026 --> 01:25:21,506
When I was sick,
he donated a kidney,
1662
01:25:21,638 --> 01:25:23,421
a bit of colon
and his spleen.
1663
01:25:23,553 --> 01:25:25,902
Now I know
that he's a criminal,
1664
01:25:26,033 --> 01:25:27,904
and an attempted murderer!
1665
01:25:28,035 --> 01:25:30,863
He is none other
than Burt Boyle!
1666
01:25:31,952 --> 01:25:34,084
-And Vince Hooligan!
1667
01:25:34,216 --> 01:25:36,478
-I thought you were
a dead person!
1668
01:25:36,609 --> 01:25:40,134
-I am agent 976 lovely pink
puffin aromatic spray,
1669
01:25:40,265 --> 01:25:42,484
the undercover agent
assigned to this case.
1670
01:25:42,615 --> 01:25:44,442
And I have proof that yes,
1671
01:25:44,574 --> 01:25:46,401
there was
a misappropriation of funds.
1672
01:25:46,532 --> 01:25:48,794
But it was Vince Hooligan
and Burt Boyle
1673
01:25:48,926 --> 01:25:52,798
who were responsible,
not Angelica Paziatopolous.
1674
01:25:54,018 --> 01:25:55,061
I have been here.
1675
01:25:55,193 --> 01:25:57,499
I have been
part of this system.
1676
01:25:57,935 --> 01:26:00,110
I have seen hardened,
lifelong criminals
1677
01:26:00,242 --> 01:26:04,114
rehabilitated
before my very eyes!
1678
01:26:04,246 --> 01:26:06,377
Club Fed should be
allowed to continue,
1679
01:26:06,509 --> 01:26:09,511
because Club Fed works!
1680
01:26:10,426 --> 01:26:12,166
[cheering]
1681
01:26:16,083 --> 01:26:17,823
[screaming]
1682
01:26:25,136 --> 01:26:27,398
-Before Club Fed,
1683
01:26:27,530 --> 01:26:30,445
I was vain
and materialistic.
1684
01:26:30,576 --> 01:26:32,621
I was very much
into my looks.
1685
01:26:32,752 --> 01:26:35,406
All I wanted was diamonds,pearls,
1686
01:26:35,538 --> 01:26:37,713
a winter retreat
in Palm Springs.
1687
01:26:37,844 --> 01:26:39,584
A ski chalet in St. Moritz.
1688
01:26:39,716 --> 01:26:41,499
A Park avenue apartment,
1689
01:26:41,631 --> 01:26:43,545
assorted vintage
touring sedans, late model...
1690
01:26:43,676 --> 01:26:45,416
-Honey, honey!
1691
01:26:45,548 --> 01:26:47,853
I think they get the idea.
1692
01:26:50,161 --> 01:26:53,468
-Well, my point is
I wanted those things
1693
01:26:53,599 --> 01:26:56,471
and I didn't care
how I got them.
1694
01:26:56,602 --> 01:26:59,082
Now, I still want
those things.
1695
01:26:59,214 --> 01:27:02,303
But I care how I get them.
1696
01:27:02,434 --> 01:27:06,481
I think everybody should spend
at least six months at Club Fed
1697
01:27:06,612 --> 01:27:08,483
to learn the difference
between right and wrong
1698
01:27:08,614 --> 01:27:12,051
and to acquire knowledge,
self respect,
1699
01:27:12,183 --> 01:27:13,531
and sophistication.
1700
01:27:13,663 --> 01:27:15,490
[applause]
1701
01:27:27,720 --> 01:27:29,895
-Oops, whoa!
1702
01:27:41,299 --> 01:27:44,562
[high-pitched voice]
-Thanks to all of you,
at Club Fed.
1703
01:27:44,694 --> 01:27:48,044
I'm going to leave here
a different person!
1704
01:27:48,175 --> 01:27:49,915
[applause]
1705
01:27:54,312 --> 01:27:58,533
-I came here at Club Fed
as a sinner.
1706
01:27:59,622 --> 01:28:01,449
I know I was wrong!
1707
01:28:02,625 --> 01:28:05,540
And not only do I regret
everything I've done,
1708
01:28:05,671 --> 01:28:09,457
but I also intend
to pay back all the people
1709
01:28:09,588 --> 01:28:12,547
that I've taken advantage of.
1710
01:28:13,288 --> 01:28:15,941
As I know we all
want to do, hallelujah!
1711
01:28:16,073 --> 01:28:17,465
-Hallelujah, hallelujah!
1712
01:28:17,596 --> 01:28:19,293
-Hallelujah!
1713
01:28:21,208 --> 01:28:22,600
-Hallelujah!
1714
01:28:24,734 --> 01:28:26,604
[barking]
1715
01:28:29,434 --> 01:28:31,609
[Howard]
Thank you for coming
to Club Fed.
1716
01:28:31,741 --> 01:28:35,309
Harrison and the reverend
lived happily ever after.
1717
01:28:37,399 --> 01:28:40,052
FBI director Vince Hooligan
got 20 years
1718
01:28:40,184 --> 01:28:42,359
in a maximum security prison,
1719
01:28:42,491 --> 01:28:45,449
where he commissioned his mother
to write his memoirs.
1720
01:28:50,281 --> 01:28:52,413
Sally Rich
was never discovered.
1721
01:28:54,459 --> 01:28:55,720
Burt Boyle has been
running away from the law
1722
01:28:55,852 --> 01:28:57,548
for over 20 years.
1723
01:28:57,680 --> 01:28:58,897
He's never been captured,
1724
01:28:59,029 --> 01:29:00,986
but has, however,
won marathons
1725
01:29:01,118 --> 01:29:03,293
all over the world.
1726
01:29:03,425 --> 01:29:05,643
As for me, I became
the FBI director
1727
01:29:05,775 --> 01:29:08,820
and married Angelica,
who became the new warden.
1728
01:29:09,387 --> 01:29:13,129
We later went on to star
in Club Fed 2, 3, 4,
1729
01:29:13,260 --> 01:29:16,480
5, 6, 7, 8,
1730
01:29:16,612 --> 01:29:20,354
9, 10, 11, 12 through 19.
1731
01:29:22,531 --> 01:29:32,191
Closed captioning is provided
by Studio Sonogram.
1732
01:29:32,323 --> 01:29:36,718
[Sherman Hemsley]
♪ Club Fed Revival
1733
01:29:36,849 --> 01:29:41,026
Club Fed 32, 33,
34 was a good one.
1734
01:30:09,404 --> 01:30:14,190
Club Fed 45,
Club Fed 46, 47,
1735
01:30:14,321 --> 01:30:16,671
48 was the one
we shot in Europe.
1736
01:30:20,937 --> 01:30:22,764
50.
1737
01:31:06,939 --> 01:31:08,723
Club Fed 72,
1738
01:31:08,854 --> 01:31:11,682
Club Fed 73,
with the little goat.
1739
01:31:11,944 --> 01:31:15,120
74, 75, 76.
1740
01:33:25,425 --> 01:33:27,252
[roaring]
113833
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