Original subtitles

some new surprises,

and a telling off.

As always, the tans you see might be fake

but the people are all real,

although some of what they do has been set up purely

for your entertainment.

Previously on "The Only Way is Essex".

- Why are you trying to make out that I'm a nasty person?

- Everyone was there. - Why are you fucking

with me then?

- We need to know if there's a future.

- At the moment, no.

- You are now apart of our netball team.

- Well, we've gotta train and then what,

do an actual tournament?

- I don't like the man enough.

I actually can't stand Mick, if I'm being honest.

- I've never said I would say no to a same-sex relationship.

- I've had enough of you always threatening,

you're fucking mad!

[upbeat electronic music]

[intense pop music]

- You all right?

- Hiya.

Thank you for coming to see me.

- Thank you for asking me to come.

- I wanna start by saying I'm so, so sorry.

- Uh-huh.

- How I've spoken to you, it is not right

and I can't tell you how bad I feel about that.

- It's not just you, I think the both of us have been

like cat and dog, chasing each other for a little while now

and I can tell seeing you now,

I didn't expect you to be like this

and I can see you're just as upset as I've been.

- I feel like the Charlie situation, I think,

was always gonna be the little thing

that slightly, maybe, rocked our boat.

- And obviously with the situation now with Charlie,

I feel for Charlie because that's a big thing

to come out with and I feel for you because you always look

like the bad one and now it's like,

Bobby weren't the bad one,

Bobby had a feeling and he was right with his feeling.

- Thank you so much for saying that,

because that is exactly, that's exactly it,

you've summed it up on a postcard,

- Yeah, - That's it.

[upbeat, quirky music]

- He walks really funny when he's got clothes on.

- They do look good in their outfits,

I'm not being funny.

Come on Elvis, keep up.

- That's everything now off the list.

- Is that everything sorted, so everything that we booked,

we've now cancelled.

- Everything's cancelled

and I did not realise how much work this was gonna be.

- I'd never ever thought that a Christening would take up

so much time, so much effort.

- The thing is Billi, we're just stupid,

the pair of us together, because,

you know, we booked the cake,

booked the balloons, we booked absolutely,

invited everyone, but we actually didn't have,

- And got an outfit.

- And got an outfit and actually didn't have a venue.

- So clearly we are not very good party planners

and you can't do it in a short amount of time.

Wedding takes two years to plan,

so a Christening could take potentially,

- One year. - I reckon a year.

We've got loads more time now.

- Do you think it will be a good idea

to have it around Christmas,

'cause obviously, like, you know.

- Yeah, obviously, it's when Jesus was born.

- Yeah.

- Wasn't it, was it?

- So I think it's a good idea. - Yeah.

Oh my god, I forgot to tell you, listen to this,

Billi and Sam rung me about netball,

- [Cara] Yeah?

- Guess who we're playing?

- [Cara] Who?

- England Netball.

- How are we gonna beat England Netball?

- The best, like some of the best players ever.

- [Cara] Do you think that's good or bad?

- It's well good!

- I think that's well bad, we're well gonna lose.

- It's not really, when you think about it,

we're playing the best team we could possibly play,

- Yeah, so we're definitely gonna lose.

- Yeah, but we could like learn some,

- It's different if they were teaching us,

they're not teaching us, we're playing a game against them,

this is bad news!

- How much fun it will be!

We are just gonna have to take attack to another level.

[upbeat guitar music]

- [Joey] They're not really nice, are they?

- [laughs] Are you a connoisseur

in designer women's shoes, Joe?

- I do a lot of 10 pound shoes, man.

I know what you mean,

they're off Sex and the City and they're an expensive make,

but I do it well cheap.

- This is the only thing to do with me

and Lydia that I've got left, really.

- So why is he,

instead of right giving a prison speech

what you're trying to say is

that there was anything that's holding you back from Lydia.

Man, what about Debbie?

Come on, Deb, what size Debbie's feet?

- No, Joe, I'm not gonna give them to Lydia's mum, am I?

- [Joey] Well, give them to Tom to give them to her again.

- I'm not gonna give them to Tom to give to Lydia.

- Well, then, so, what are you gonna do?

Are you gonna just throw a pair of shoes away?

- I don't know, it's weird, isn't it?

As long as I could just,

could I just, could I look at them as memories,

and keep them

in the memory book? - Oh, mate, don't.

- Well, what do you think I should do then?

- [sighs] You do this all the time.

- Mate, they're a pair of shoes,

but yet they mean so much, you know?

- [clears throat] obviously, I'm probably the most vicious

'cause you probably know, yeah?

- Yeah.

- But I do know one thing, everyone, I think,

at our age right now,

I think we're all still quite young,

and I think the older we get,

we start knowing more about life.

And I think we always grow up,

and I think this whole thing between you and Lydia

is just quite childish.

Trust me, in about five, six years' time,

I guarantee you, that far out,

you'll be, like, friends, you will see her out.

And, like, you'll be fine.

You'll just be all right, you'll be in,

you'll be just normal.

[intense hip-hop music]

- These costumes are amazing, aren't they?

- Aren't they good?

Do you know, it's nice, them.

You've got the purple, but you got the glitter

in it as well,

so it definitely stands out, won't it?

- Wow, Billie, you have stitched us up.

I'm sorry, us versus England Netball team.

- I think we should be quite lucky they wanna play us.

- Apparently, like, really tall, and, like,

- Yeah, but we're, like, small and quick.

We've gotta think positive.

Don't say that in front of the girls

'cause they'll all start being negative

and won't wanna do it.

[muffled speech]

- [Billie] Girls! - [Sam] Look!

- [Billie] They're brilliant, aren't they?

- Hi! - Oh, my God!

[girls chattering]

- When they rung up and offered to play,

how could we say no and let them down?

- You do know we're gonna lose.

- I don't know, but listen, if we stay positive,

we'll be fine!

[intense orchestral music]

Heads.

[intense orchestral music]

- And you win.

- [Billie] Woo!

[intense orchestral music] Ooh!

[Billie laughing]

- Oh.

[intense orchestral music]

Here we go.

- Not being funny though, our team's got better makeup.

[intense orchestral music]

[all shouting]

- Good job they're not playing for money.

[laughing] - Yeah.

[intense orchestral music]

- [Billie] What's the score?

- We've lost count.

[whistle blows]

- [Billie] Ah.

- They scored as many goals

as you've had years on this planet.

- [laughs] That's actually true.

[reflective piano music]

- So Kirk, how have you been feeling since we spoke last?

- I've still had some anxiety problems, but I feel,

I feel a lot happier in myself,

'cause I know you told me where the problem come from,

my childbirth, so I know where the problem is.

I know it's something that I've not done myself.

I still have the, like, the attacks,

but not as much and not as hard,

I know just before it's about to come,

so I know how to try and pull myself away

from that situation.

- That's the real key to this,

because ultimately it's about equipping you

with those skills.

Unfortunately, it's the way the human species work,

we trigger each other, you know, we,

you meet somebody, if it's your ex-girlfriend,

she knows your weaknesses, or whatever,

so she's gonna press those buttons.

So what I want you to do is release those buttons

- Good, 'cause I've got,

I tell you what, I've got to do this Halloween party

at my club, and I've invited everyone, you know,

I don't want no one left out.

So I've asked people to, like, ask Lauren if she can come.

I just wanna be able to walk in a room and stand near her

and there's no problems, that we can smile and say hello,

do you know what I mean?

- Yeah, what we can do is, today, as part of the treatment,

I'll teach you how to do some breathing

and some visualisation.

- But I do need to do this next step with Lauren now.

Hopefully she should be a little bit nice,

'cause she knows it's not,

it's not a nice situation to be in.

- So, Kirk, what I want to do

is I want to get you to do some relaxation,

visualisation, here on the couch.

Now, get in, just with the feet up here.

So, just nice and relaxed.

So when you breathe in, you breathe in through the nose.

[breathing]

And when you breathe out, you breathe out through the nose.

[breathing]

Okay?

In your mind, just visualise this river of energy

flowing down through your body,

just taking away all that stress and tension

out of your body.

I'm just gonna get you to sit again on the couch,

just have a seat.

[grunts]

How's that feeling?

- I feel as relaxed as I would if I was asleep.

But I feel a bit upset, I don't know why.

- How do you mean, you feel upset?

- I don't know, I don't know.

Just relaxed, do you know what I mean?

You know, when you just let your emotions out

for no reason?

- Yeah.

- But it's all right.

- It is, because, you see,

it's what you're sensing

is that love within yourself, basically,

and a love for other people, but from now on

when you go to meet your ex-girlfriend,

or anybody in the future,

this is not just about your ex-girlfriend.

From now on, if you ever perceive yourself in a situation,

you practise this.

[upbeat funk music]

- I went and saw Kirk, didn't I,

and I ended up having a really good chat with him.

It seems to me that me and Kirk have got more in common

than what I thought.

I think I'm striking up

quite a nice little friendship with him.

It's just reassured me that I'm not,

I'm not on my own.

I kind of said to him, "Look, to me it's not

"about the sex of a person, if you connect with someone,

"it's a soul, it's a thing I would never rule out

"if it felt right".

- What do you mean?

- You know, like, basically I said to him

that if I felt right I would have a same-sex relationship,

if it felt right.

When you told me you had feelings for me,

if I had any kind of inkling

that I had the same sort of feelings back,

I would have gone for it.

Because I would have nothing to lose,

Because if I had the opportunity to love someone,

I'd go for it, you know?

- And what was Kirk's advice on it?

- You can't choose who you fall in love with,

whether they're, older, younger,

different nationality, religion, whatever,

it doesn't matter.

- It don't matter, I read a magazine article

about a fortnight ago,

and some woman in America married her cat.

I swear to God. [chuckles]

Right, and she's obviously,

she held a ceremony, and this cat is now her "husband".

But different horses for different courses.

I'm always there for you, whatever happens,

don't ever worry about that.

But obviously I wouldn't be being true to myself

and being a best friend to you,

if I sat there after you telling me what you've told me

and me sitting there making out

that I've completely got over how I feel about you.

But emotions like that

just don't kinda go away overnight, you know.

[upbeat dance music]

- So, boys, tonight, I'm gonna have a drastic change.

I'm gonna go for something completely different.

- Well, you need to change something,

'cause something can't work if you use it.

[doorbell rings] Look at that.

- [Joey] Doorbell.

- [Tom P] Who is it?

- [Diags] Wait, are these bottles?

- [gasps] Oh, no!

- Oh, you ruined it, digs.

- [Tom P] Hey!

[laughing]

[boys chattering]

- [Arg] You all right, mate?

[laughing] he's one of the lads.

- What's happening, bruv?

[boys chattering]

- [Bobby] Yeah, yeah.

- Yeah, not bad, man?

- You look smart.

- Thank you, mate.

Are you sure you wanna do this, mate?

[snickering]

- Do what?

- [laughs] I was thinking, maybe get a skinhead.

- What?

- [Arg] Yes.

- Yeah, yeah, yes.

- Yeah, yeah, yes. [Arg laughing]

- [Tom P] You've got to, mate.

- You've got to go. [laughing]

You've got to do it, yes.

- Right, obviously, David Beckham,

he's had loads of different hair styles,

he had a skinhead, everyone thought,

"Beckham with a skinhead"?

Look how good he looked.

Liam, Liam from One Direction, he's had long hair

for the last few years,

he's just got a skinhead, look how good he looks.

- Yeah, but Args, you're not David Beckham,

and you're not Liam from One Direction.

You're James Arg Argent.

- Talk to me now, boys, is this a good idea or not?

- Yeah, it's a fantastic idea.

- Sit proper.

- Oh, my God, don't fucking do this, mate!

- Do it, man!

- Just go, just go, just go, just go, just go, please!

Please, please, just go, just get it off.

[trimmer buzzes]

[laughing] It sounds scary!

[boys chattering]

[Arg laughing]

- [Bobby] Are you scared?

- [Diags] Oh my God, that is so fucking short.

- Is it really Diags, seriously?

- Oh, my God, you can see your scalp!

- [Arg] David Beckham?

- [Diags] No, no, prisoner.

- [Arg] Tom Hardy?

- No, you look,

- You look like you've just come out of prison.

- [Arg] My ears are the worst thing

I'm worried about, my ears.

- I wouldn't be worried about your ears, mate, mate.

- All right, Arg, are you ready?

One, two,

- Two,

- [Both] Three.

- Oh, my God, I look fucking horrible.

[Bobby laughing]

[all laughing]

Oh, my God, I look so fucking ugly, it's a joke.

I'm gonna have to wear this

and no one's gonna have to see it, aren't they?

- You're lucky you bought that outfit.

- Can you tell I've got a skinhead if I wear this?

You're not allowed to tell anyone I've got a skinhead,

I swear to God, please.

- Well, to be fair,

if you don't find love when you're like that,

don't give up, 'cause chances are, no one's gonna love you

with that hair.

[upbeat club music]

- I think she's been very upset,

but I think this is keeping her occupied.

- Yeah, well she's bound to be upset, ain't she?

- He is young, he needs his friends,

and I think with this music thing with Jessica,

she's gonna need a lot of time on her own, anyway.

- Of course she is, yeah.

- It just won't work as a relationship like that.

There's something about him that she really does like

and, I don't know, especially at the beginning,

five months was nothing.

- Five years.

- No, she's only been with him five months.

- Oh, she's only been with him,

Where have you been for the last five years?

[upbeat club music]

[crowd cheering]

- All right? - Oh!

- What's going on?

- What are you doing here, stranger?

- What's happening, you all right?

- Hello, babe, all right, darling?

- You all right? You smell lovely.

- All right.

- Hey! [giggles]

- Hey, you all right? - You all right?

- What's happening, you enjoying it?

- Yeah, amazing.

- You looked like you were having fun over there.

- It's all part of the story, I've gotta pretend to flirt.

It's just pretending.

- What, oh, no, no, I wasn't even, I didn't even notice!

- I wasn't even doing that.

- No, you're all right, you crack on.

- Anyway, she's going off to LA next week for three months.

- Oh, no, what is this, what is this?

Is this make Ricky jealous day or something, I get it!

- [Nanny Pat] No, I'm just saying.

- I get it, she's been with guys, she's flirting with guys,

and she's going to LA for half a year.

- Hit him!

- Well, you know,

that's just how the cookie crumbles sometimes.

- Well, you know.

- And I'm picking up the crumbs.

What is it, the three witches of the North?

- Shut up!

- Oh, that's nice.

[upbeat rock music]

- When we first spoke after everything happened,

I said to you that I wouldn't be round Sugar Hut

or round the Honeys,

so I'd rather stick to my word and, you know, not go.

- Good.

- Do you think?

- Yeah.

- Well, you didn't want me to speak to Mick,

but obviously I'm always going to talk to Mick,

he's my friend.

But I won't speak to him when he's round the Honeys.

- I never said you can't speak to Mick, Mario.

Don't exaggerate, I didn't say you can't speak to Mick.

I just feel uncomfortable with you being around him.

The point why I said that

is I think Mick was disrespectful

to invite you over to his club

to talk to you while there was girls half naked

dancing in front of you.

Mick's not the problem, it's the girls,

and I just think Sugar Hut was an amazing club before them,

I know he's a business man, and he's been in,

he's done that business for years,

but for me, personally, as a girl,

and I've spoke to loads of girls about this,

it puts girls off going there.

- Well, whilst, you know,

there's still honey in the building...

- What's wrong with you today?

- Nothing, I'm trying to lighten the mood,

you're so serious all the time.

- No, but I don't wanna talk about this,

my Halloween's not ruined,

but I can't go where all my friends are going

because of this.

- How about we do something different instead then?

- I like getting dressed up though.

- [Mario] You can get dressed up.

- I'm not getting dressed up to sit at home,

and look like an idiot.

- So, right, well, I'll speak to the boys then,

see what everyone's doing, and whoever's not going there,

then we can see what they want to do, yeah?

- Yeah.

[upbeat pop music]

[boys chattering]

- [Ricky] Boys' night out!

[groaning]

[retching]

- Yeah, your guy's the Joker,

and I think Lydia's going as Cat Girl.

- Oh, really?

- So she's gonna have a good night, curve her bum out.

- Arg will like that, now, won't he?

- Exactly what I said to her.

- Do you realise, if you do go, he will be there

and it'll make it awkward.

- Of course, he's gonna be there wanting

to be with my girlfriend.

- He'll still want to talk to her.

- Of course, but I'm not ever gonna let him talk to her.

- Never?

- No.

Lydia's already told him, so if he doesn't listen to that,

and then obviously try to speak to Lydia or whatnot,

it's being disrespectful again.

I don't wanna hear it, mate.

You're a fat rat, and he isn't sharp.

[blows air]

- You know, when you and Jess were a bit rocky

and that whole saga was going on,

all I'm saying is, sometimes, you know,

sometimes you are

a little bit hard on Jess.

Like, the other day,

- Well, unfortunately,

- [Little Chris] No, I'm just saying.

- 'Cause you're going against me.

- I'm not going against you, come here, come here,

I was just saying it, you can't just walk off.

- [Ricky] I can.

[upbeat club music]

- [Jess] Can't go wrong with a few Diamantes.

- Oh, I love it.

I'm really looking forward to seeing Mick

'cause I think things have got, like, really out of hand.

- Yeah, 'cause of all this, like, he is saying,

- But I think Mick forgets that, you know,

he did criticise mine and James' relationship,

and, you know, as for Mick saying

I'm jealous of the Sugar Hut,

- [Jess] You've always been really supportive

of the Sugar Hut.

- Exactly, and, like, when all, like, people come down,

like Northern people and that, I'm like,

"Yeah, go Sugar Hut, you're gonna have a brilliant night".

- And, yeah, to be fair, he did sort of knock you back,

you made him a pie

and he didn't really receive it very well,

do you know what I mean?

- No, but that's water under the bridge,

but if he carries on, I'll have to make him a dog food pie

because, do you know what I mean,

he needs to calm himself down a bit.

James called me up last night.

- Shut the front door.

- You said he'd come begging back.

- Told you, didn't I?

[chuckling]

I know James so well, and I just know

that he likes you a lot more than he comes across.

He just don't like to admit it.

[upbeat rock music]

- All right, so no matter what happens, we stick together.

- All right, mate.

- I'll leave you to it, I'll leave you to it.

[boys chattering]

Leave you to it.

- Spoke of the devil.

- What do you mean?

- Little devil.

- I'm not a devil. - That's what you are,

you're a little devil.

- No, no, I'm not a devil at all.

- Yes. - No, no, no.

Look, mate, I didn't mean it horribly at all

and you know I didn't either.

Listen, look at me.

You know I didn't mean it horribly.

- I don't actually think I can look at you right now.

You've come out saying "ooh", you know,

"You are a little bit harsh on Jess".

- What do you,

- Right, do you know what I mean,

one minute you're back through thick and thin.

If you went and cheated on Taylor,

I would swear down to the grave

that you hadn't cheated on Taylor.

But yet you've come to me saying that I'm a little harsh

when you know, behind the scenes,

you know, behind the scenes, you don't say that.

For you to say that I'm harsh is harsh on me.

'Cause you know that I'm not.

You know that I'm not.

I want you to say right now, and this is high on your heart,

whether it's friendship or not,

I want you to actually say you think I'm harsh.

- Well, I don't think you're that harsh.

- I'm not, am I?

- No, you're not that harsh.

- Exactly, I'm a good boyfriend, I do everything

for her. - Yeah, you are.

- No way ever that I'm a harsh boyfriend.

[upbeat club music]

- It's quite the guest list.

So there's a few people I need to double check for you.

Okay, so I've asked Lauren Pope to come with me.

Do you think that's gonna be any problem with Kirk?

- No, they're not talking,

but I'm sure they'll just be in the same building.

- Yeah, I don't think Tom and Args will

have any disagreements because I think

everyone's gonna be here.

There's only one more that I'm confused about

and I don't know what you want me to do with on the list,

this one? - Yeah, cross it out.

- Yeah, go, gone?

[blows air] Zoom.

[upbeat club music]

- [Danni] Your name's on the list, you're going in!

- [Tom P] Thomas?

- [Danni] Yes.

- James Arg Argent?

- [Danni] Go on then, James.

Arg, hi, hi!

- You all right?

- Jo, is her name on the list?

- [Jo] No, it's not.

- Sorry, if your name's not on the list,

you're not coming in.

- [Jo] We've got a brand to protect

and unfortunately we can't let you in tonight.

- That's fine, that's fine, brilliant.

Bang out of order.

They can't do that to me, bang out of order.

[upbeat club music]

[laughing]

- That is cool!

- Welcome to the Oktober.

[group laughing]

- That is good, ya?

- You look like a nutter, you Peter Pan.

- I hope they've got a German sausage for me.

- So the whole thing about Oktoberfest,

it's a German theme for the area

and they just get absolutely mullered.

- Why did they decide, "Let's have an Oktoberfest

"and get pissed"?

- Why not?

- Why not?

- Why not?

[upbeat German music]

- I'm now at this stage, Luce,

'cause it's not ruling anything out,

I think is there any possibility that ever down the line

we've got anything there?

- Do you still love him?

- Yeah.

I really do.

- The thing is, you've risked it once,

are you gonna risk it again?

- Yeah.

[gasps]

[upbeat club music]

- I don't want anyone to touch my hat.

I swear, I swear, I swear, I swear!

Get off, get off!

- [Tom P] Leave it!

[boys chattering]

- Taking it too far!

- He's arsed, he's arsed, he's arsed.

- Basically I had a bit of a chat with Joey earlier.

I was considering tonight, maybe,

if there was an opportunity to,

maybe just to, sort of, tell Lydia

that I'm sorry for everything I did,

and, you know, maybe in the future, one day,

we might be friends, but I just want to let you know

that I'm sorry for cheating on you

and what I put you through, and stuff like that.

- Do you know what,

I think that's a very gentleman thing to do.

[crowd laughing and chattering]

- [Danni] Hey, you all right?

- Hey.

- [Danni] Sorry, guys, just need to check in.

[phone ringing]

- Arg?

- Hello?

- You all right?

Can you come?

I need you urgently.

Can you come to the back of the Sugar Hut, please?

Come to my car.

- Why, what's the matter, what's happened?

- If you come to my car, I'll tell you,

but obviously, I do actually need to speak to you.

- Okay, all right, go on, then.

- Bye.

[upbeat pop music]

- Oh, my god, Jess!

Thank you!

- Oh, shut the front door.

- Well, let's do this.

Prost.

- Prost.

- Prost, let's go.

- I'm scared.

[crowd chattering]

[groans]

- You can't, I win.

[burps]

[laughing]

[burps]

[laughing]

[burps]

[laughing]

Oh, no I'm gonna be sick!

Oh, my God!

- Oh, my God, she's being sick.

[retches]

[upbeat pop music]

- And obviously, Lauren's gonna be here tonight.

- Yeah, I know.

- Do you think that's gonna be all right?

- I don't know, I just, I don't know,

I need to just be mature and talk to her,

and just say, "Look, I don't want to be your mate,

"I don't want to be your enemy,

"but can we at least walk past each other and say hello?"

- Life's far too short to be bearing grudges.

- [Kirk] Give it a go, right?

- Well, you've come a long way, and I'm pleased about that.

- Mate, you know what, I'm very happy

that you've given me another chance,

'cause I know I fucked it up

a few times. - Could have felt that way

in the last few months.

- Come on, high five.

[laughing] You like them!

- Do not like high fives.

Give me another, missed.

Too slow, let's get out of here.

- Come on.

[upbeat rock music]

- How you doing, you all right?

I just want to make sure you're having a good night.

- If yous two want to have a little chat?

- It's up to Lauren, really up to Lauren,

but I just came to see if yous were having a good night.

- [Lauren] Don't know.

- Just want to enjoy your night, that's all right, yeah,

do yous want a drink or anything?

- No, we're good, thanks.

- Well, have a good night, anyway,

and thanks for coming.

All right, babe, all right, see yous later,

enjoy your night. - Good night, yeah.

You all right?

He obviously wants to try and speak to you,

because he did do that, you would never walk over to him.

[upbeat club music]

- I'm actually really happy you and Jess are back together,

because I think she's a really nice girl, like,

obviously you are my mate, you know what I mean?

- You was gonna say best mate, weren't you?

- Yeah, I was.

- [Both] Aw!

- Chris!

You're my best friend as well.

- Do you know what I mean? - You can have more than one,

it's fine.

- The only thing I would say, like,

no, don't look at me like that!

- Agony, Chris, mate!

- No, I'm not trying to, what I'm saying is,

- [Ricky] Cages.

- No, what I'm trying to say to you

is sometimes, you know, scratch Jess's back a little,

just give a little bit more.

- I think you're very much against me now.

- No, I'm not against you, I'm just saying,

- I'm leaving.

- You can't just leave. - No, no, listen.

- You can't leave in your lederhosen.

- You go against me and that is it, all right?

- I'm not against you, I'm just saying.

- Well, I scratched plenty of back!

- Have you?

- That's it mate, I'm,

listen, we'll talk about it later.

I'm not talking about it now.

- All right.

[intense synth music]

- Arg, you ain't going to believe what's just happened.

Danni Park-Dempsey has stopped me on the door

and said "You're not welcome at the club."

- Gemma, why don't you just drop it,

why are you bothered, why does that bother you so much?

Don't let them upset you, people will--

- I'm not upset, James, I'm just angry

because throughout this whole thing, Mick's going,

"Oh, I don't know what I've done, she's slagged my club".

I haven't slagged your club, I've slagged you,

at the end of the day,

you slagged mine and James's relationship, it wasn't on.

- Yeah, I know, fair enough, yeah,

he probably shouldn't have said those things,

but, you know, you've just got to let it go, Gem.

- All right, fair enough.

- Is there anything else you wanted to talk to me about?

- No, are you going back in the club?

- Well, my friends are in there,

it's a bit of a boys' night out, you know, I don't wanna...

- Just go in the club.

- No, Gem, I'm not gonna leave you upset.

- Go, listen, go.

- I'm not gonna leave you.

- James, just, you're fucking about left, right, and centre.

You keep saying to me, "Oh, Gem, what are you doing tonight,

"do you want to come 'round",

one minute you fancy me, then you don't fancy me.

Then I've stuck up for our relationship,

yet, you know, oh, just...

- Listen, Gemma, you are a very beautiful, special girl,

and you make everyone laugh.

You're a big bubbly character,

and you do mean a hell of a lot to me,

but I can't if it's going to cause this hurt and this upset.

I'm not going to lead you on anymore, okay?

- Right, I'll make this simple for you.

You go back in the night club,

and let's not be friends anymore.

- But I want to be your friend.

- No, James, you don't, because you don't.

- I want to be your friend,

- You don't, because you're... - But I can't have you

keep crying over me

because it makes me feel like I'm leading you on.

- I'm not crying over you, I'm crying

because really what you are doing to me is out of order.

Why did you call me last night, then, and say,

"Come 'round, let's have a romantic night,

"let's get takeaway, stay at mine tonight".

Why did you say that, then?

- Well, I'm not-- - Why'd you do that?

- 'Cause I'm sorry, Gemma,

maybe I was just being a bit selfish

and I wasn't really taking into consideration your feelings.

- I'm not your friend anymore.

- Listen, Gemma, I care about you

and I'm always going to be there for you.

- I'm not your friend.

- I'm not going to leave this car

while you're still crying.

- No, please.

- No, I'm not leaving this car while you're still crying,

that's one thing, I promise you.

- Go.

- Listen, text me once you've got in,

I want to know you're home safely, all right?

Give me a kiss, Gemma, stop crying.

I've got to go in, all right?

Love you lots.

[upbeat club music]

- You've got the best outfit,

everyone else looks like a dickhead.

- Because I'm Mario.

[laughing] I don't know why all these wankers

would trust me, never in a million years.

"Oh, my lederhosen, yeah, so good, yeah!

"My lederhosen, yeah!"

- What's lederhosen mean?

- What they're wearing, what Bobby's wearing right now.

- That's lederhosen! - That's lederhosen.

- Lederhosen. - [Mario] Lederhosen!

[laughing]

- Chris! - Hey!

- [Mario] Ya!

- It's your lederhosen! - Lederhosen!

- The lederhosen!

[laughing] - [Little Chris] Oh,

that's clever, that's my hosen.

- The hosen!

- Since we've kind of had our chat, I can't stop thinking.

And obviously I've tried to bury the feelings

I've had for you in the past,

knowing that nothing was ever really gonna come of it,

but I need to know for my own sanity

if at any point you think

you would ever see me as anything more than a friend,

and if you can categorically say, even in 15 years

you would only ever be my friend,

I can move on, deal with that, lick my wounds,

and do what I've got to do with that information,

but I haven't ever met anyone quite like you before,

and I do think you're a very calming influence on me

and there's something about you

that really attracts me to you on many levels.

I think you're a very special man, I really do.

- Thank you.

- I've never met anyone like you, you are one of a kind.

- Okay.

- But after what, obviously, you've told me,

that you would never rule anything out,

I need to know whether that means

you would never rule us out.

- I, Bobby, don't have feelings for you like that,

and never have,

I've never wanted to give you the impression

that maybe I was giving you the signals

that there could be any interest on my part.

You are my friend and I love you as my friend,

and it would never be anything else,

and it's as simple as that.

[reflective rock music]

- Firstly, I apologise if I made you feel awkward,

'cause I think at some point I pissed you off, obviously,

and secondly, maybe I'd like to make it up to you,

or maybe go out again properly.

So what do you say, yes, no?

- You've got one more chance, Darrell.

- Can I have a cuddle as well?

I don't worry about chances.

Can I have a cuddle?

[Darrell giggles]

- We haven't argued in two whole days.

- Two.

[Sam giggles]

Do you want to marry me?

- What?

- Do you want to marry me? - No!

[reflective rock music]

- Argy Bargy.

Have a drink, mate.

End of the night, mate?

I tried the second time to speak to Lauren.

- What happened?

- She can't be mature enough to just be friends and civil,

at least I know I've tried my best,

do you know what I mean, so...

- You know, Kirk, tonight I was pretty much

planning to do the exact same thing, you know,

I've made mistakes, Kirk, and cheating on Lydia,

I will probably have to deal with that

for the rest of my life.

All I wanted to do tonight was just to say sorry

for the cheating.

- Did you see her?

- I couldn't, mate, literally, you know what Tom is like,

he was literally glued to the hip with Lydia.

He wouldn't let her out of his sight,

and, I don't know,

- You'd, you'd...

- I'd rather have closed the chapter with me and Lydia

on a nice goodbye as opposed to being bitter and angry,

and you never know. [grunts]

So what do you think of this?

- What is that?

[Arg laughs]

Arg!

- Don't, mate, I've been trying to hide it all night,

I can't hide it anymore.

- You had a lot of hair.

- My hair was probably the only good thing

that was going for me.

- Why did you take it off then?

- The first time me and Lydia ever met

I had a skinhead, maybe the next time I fall in love,

maybe it will be with a skinhead again, you never know.

- Cheers to that, and good luck, all right?

- Hopefully, mate, I'll find my love again.

- Fingers crossed.

- Science is our enemy, water is our friend!

- [Arg] Yeah!

- [Joey] Yeah?

- [Group] Yeah!

- So what we're going to do today,

it's your chance, only three people have done this,

Jesus, Dynamo, and Joey Essex, also known as The Hoverman.

[group laughing]

You actually might think I'm joking,

but I'm actually being deadly serious,

you can walk on that water, I did it,

and I think all you lot can do it,

but you've got to believe.

Believe in yourself, yeah?

- [Group] I believe.

- I'm not joking, I actually ran

on that water the other day and you all saw me.

- I saw it.

[intense orchestral music]

- Believe in yourself, are you going to do it?

Believe!

- [Group] Hurry up, hurry up, hurry up!

[group yelling]

Chris, Chris!

[group yelling]

All together, all together!

[group screaming]

Argy, Argy, Argy, Argy!

[laughing]

Hoverman, Hoverman, Hoverman, Hoverman, Hoverman, Hoverman!

[upbeat funk music]