Original subtitles

shocking revelations and some raucous raving.

As always, the tans you see might be fake

but the people are all real,

although some of what they do has been set up

purely for your entertainment.

Previously on The Only Way is Essex.

- I've had enough of you always shouting at me,

you're fucking mad.

- [Gemma] So what you gonna do then?

- I'll probably be at yours in about half an hour.

- James, you're deluded.

- I just wanna have fun,

and when I'm with someone. - But we're not having fun.

- But she tries using reserve, what is it, reserve?

- Reverse psychology.

- I'm sure you don't feel good about yourself

around with her.

It makes you look like a bastard as well.

- I love her, man.

I don't wanna split up.

[upbeat music]

[upbeat music]

- They're nice.

Like when I told Lauren about Darrell,

like I just said we was texting, and she,

I dunno, I got the feeling like she wasn't

very positive about it.

- Ain't she been on a date with him?

- Yeah, well he told me that he'd taken her out before,

and then she did message me 'cause I had on my status

that I was doing my first DJ lesson,

and she was like, "Who you DJing with?

"Why didn't you ask me?"

Without a kiss, so I thought oh my God,

am I in trouble now?

- Do you fancy him?

- I don't know for sure, like I think maybe

it's like a little crush.

I dunno, it is exciting.

He's really nice to start with

and he's like obviously really easy on the eye.

- What does that mean?

- [Chloe] Like nice to look at.

- Oh right, yeah.

I look like a geek.

- [Chloe] You don't look like a geek.

- I do, I look like a geek.

- Get something a bit more elegant, like these ones.

They've got a bit of bling on the side.

They really suit you, honestly.

- Do I look like a secretary?

- Yeah.

Well more of a PA.

- I don't wanna look like a PA.

- They're more intelligent than secretaries.

- Do you think I look intelligent?

- Well, as intelligent as you can be,

but don't forget I know you,

but other people will think you're really intelligent.

- Cheers.

[upbeat music]

- Honey, I'm home.

- [Sam] All right Joe?

- What's happening?

- Nothing, just talking to Billie, making cake.

- What you talking to Billie about?

- [Sam] You.

- What about me?

- Nothing, just saying that we've been arguing and...

- So you told me to get out of the house once again.

- I know, I said this to Billie,

I shouldn't have said that,

'cause you live here now with me

and I shouldn't have said that and that's it.

I don't wanna argue anymore.

I'm gonna sit down.

- Every single time I try and talk to you,

you don't wanna talk, you can't talk,

'cause you ain't got it in you to talk to me.

- I have, I think--

- I don't wanna come round here and start crying and stuff.

- Why do you cry?

- You cry.

- [Sam] Yeah, I know I cry but I'm a girl.

- Boys can cry Sam.

- [Sam] I know, but...

- Because obviously I love you, don't I?

If I weren't crying then you'd properly think

why ain't he crying, wouldn't ya?

[Sam laughs]

You would.

Ain't funny.

I can't carry on with the argument Sam,

somehow we've gotta stop it.

I don't know how we're gonna do it.

- [Sam] Well what can I do?

- You, yeah you do start the arguments,

you know you do, a lot, a lot.

You get the hump over little things.

You're a girl, so I suppose girls do that.

It's probably a girl thing, I don't know.

- Okay, you really agitate me when you don't listen.

- I'm not gonna lie, I am a bad listener

because in school I used to be,

I was dyslexic and I was actually really bad at listening,

I couldn't listen properly.

- [Sam] But you can't take that on me.

- I don't take that out on you.

It's hard init?

[upbeat music]

- Oi oi.

- Oh hi Tom. - Hey guys.

- You okay?

- [Tom] Yeah, good.

I got you something.

- Oh my God, you got me underwear.

Aw, I love this, this is so cute.

Does it suit me?

- Go put it on, put it on.

- I'm not putting it on.

- Try it on.

- Tom Kilby!

- [Tom] I just got you a present, you have to try it on.

- Oh my God, I am not trying it on and coming out.

- I'll be really hurt if you don't try it on.

- Okay, I'll put it on later.

Well I've been treated, and now Cara you can be treated,

so let's help you pick something out.

- [Cara] Come on then.

- Because this is the thing,

now you've got to start like shopping in affordable shops,

you can't be shopping in designer shops anymore.

How much is your allowance for?

- I'm not telling you that.

- [Lydia] Why?

- [Cara] No.

- Tell us, we're all friends.

- Cara, there's no secrets.

- It was enough, it was enough.

What I used to do is I used to go shopping

and instead of buying one thing I would buy two,

now I only buy one, because the allowance isn't there.

- Yeah but are you talking about like

you'd only buy like one, like now you're gonna buy

like one pair of like £600 shoes instead of two pairs?

- Yeah.

[upbeat music]

- Oh here he is, what's happening?

- How you doing?

- You cold?

- Yeah.

- I didn't even wanna go there last night, right,

like I just wanted to leave it

and talk in our own space and whatever.

She didn't like that we had that chat

obviously about me saying I missed you

and not seeing you a lot.

She was like, "Well you should miss me."

She wants me to see her more.

I don't blame her, it's not her fault.

It's probably normal for that,

for a boyfriend and girlfriend to be like that.

- You just asked her to move in.

- No but I didn't, I just give her a key.

But that's like for assurance, but that's not good enough.

It's clearly my fault, it's me.

- [Chris] Yeah it sounds like you.

- But that's what I'm saying,

I don't wanna have to change myself.

- Don't change yourself.

- [Ricky] Because then I'm unhappy.

- I like the way you are.

If you was updating your Facebook status,

where would you be?

Are you single, are you taken?

Is it complicated? - It's complicated.

[upbeat music]

- Last night me and Ricky split up.

Well, he finished it with me.

Last week everything went from bad to worse

in the space of like two days,

and I started telling him how I felt,

and then like he just blew up and was like,

"Well maybe I'm not ready for this."

It's all very confusing and to be honest

I think it sounds like a bit of a joke,

and I'm just thinking, just man up and tell me what's,

what you're going on about.

I can't understand it.

- I actually don't know what to say.

- I know.

- If a man, boy, animal, bird wants to be with you

they will be with you.

- Yeah, I know.

- I think the world's your oyster baby.

Cry for two days, move on.

[upbeat music]

- So Diags.

- [Diags] Yeah.

- Found anything?

- No.

- Have you got a style?

- T-shirts.

- That's sexy.

[laughs]

I'm a little bit like concerned about Joe

after the other night.

- I know.

- He literally burst into tears.

- I know.

- For like 15 minutes straight, like crying his eyes out,

and we're like there's literally nothing we can do about it,

nothing that us boys can say or do

that's gonna make any difference.

- I definitely think they have moved in too soon.

- I think it is all too quick, innit?

It's all come on top and that's what,

it's put a lot of pressure on him.

- So what you doing tonight?

- Um, probably go out.

- Can I come?

- No.

No, you can, you can come, but just don't cock block.

- Listen, I know I did do that, that one night.

- No, not one night.

- One mistake and you're barring me

from coming out with you. - You did it in Marbella.

- You and Lauren did it in Marbella.

- So I'm not allowed to come to like

any of your nights out ever again

just because you lost that one girl.

- Four girls.

- Hello.

- Chloe, you all right?

- [Chloe] All right?

- You all right, what you up to?

- I'm just shopping with Diags.

Well, I say shopping, mostly gossiping in a shop.

- Only a quick one babe.

Like I just thought about maybe going out

for something to eat or whatever or just catching up,

you know, see how you're getting on with your DJ-ing

and have a little follow through and stuff.

So yeah, that's it. [Chloe laughs]

What are you laughing for?

Why are you laughing?

- Nothing.

- You sure?

- Yep.

No, I'd like to, yeah.

- Yeah?

All right, what do you fancy?

- Sushi?

- Oh.

[laughs]

You know I don't like raw fish though.

- You've got to try things in life haven't you,

and sushi's my favourite.

- All right yeah, I'll try sushi.

- Good.

- All right then babe, well listen,

enjoy the rest of your day.

- Bye.

- [Darrell] See you later, bye.

- Diags, you totally ruined that.

- Why are you so nervous?

Why you so nervous talking to Darrell?

Do you like him?

- I'm not nervous.

- Have you kissed him?

- No.

- You have.

- I haven't.

- You have!

- I haven't.

- That was a lie, that was a lie, you went no.

- Oh my god, your eyes just went about that big.

[upbeat music]

- All right?

- What's happening?

- What do you wanna talk about?

- What do you mean?

- Well you sort of ended it.

- It's not a case of ending it and not so much ending it.

I feel like I've lost a bit of freedom.

You know, if I don't see you, cool,

I'll see you tomorrow.

Like, because that's my approach to a relationship.

- You should have just been honest then.

- [Ricky] Yeah but I have.

- Now you are, yeah.

- Yeah but it's not, when is anyone,

do you know what I mean,

you don't just think the first sign of a problem,

ooh, I'm gonna be honest.

I waited, I wanted to see if it'd change,

it didn't, so now I've been honest.

We're doing it now, like we're bickering now.

- Well we're gonna have a disagreement Rick,

it's not gonna be everything's--

- But it's not, we shouldn't be disagreeing

about things we agree on.

- I agree.

- Well there's no point, if we're both unhappy.

- We need to know if there's a future

or at least hope for a future or there's no point.

- That's what I'm saying, we won't know.

At the moment, no.

It's probably scaring me, I'm panicking.

But I don't wanna lose you.

The fact that we've come this far

and obviously I love you,

so I wanna be able to try something.

Whether it works for you, we don't know.

But I know that that could work for me,

and then if it don't work for you

then we'll cross that bridge.

[upbeat music]

- Tracey, can you make sure you put

loads of anaesthetic gel on please

'cause I don't like pain.

- We've ran out of anaesthetic.

- What?

[laughing]

Oh my God, I cannot do it without the anaesthetic gel.

- Okay.

- I haven't seen Tom for ages.

- He's all right.

He's feeling a bit lost in life though.

- Aw, why?

- He's like 22 and he's had like an amazing career

where he's like been a footballer

and he's had like this amazing life already,

and now he's like back at school

learning to become a DJ.

- So he feels like his life's gone a bit backwards?

- Probably, yeah, that's probably why,

probably feels like his life's going a bit backwards,

but I was like--

- But it's not, it's just like a new life isn't it?

- Exactly, it's a new chapter of his life.

[groans]

[laughing]

I need more anaesthetic on that side.

Tracey I need more anaesthetic, I can't do this anymore.

[sneezes]

[laughing]

- [Tracey] Nearly there.

They look amazing.

- Let me see.

- How do they look?

- Oh my God Lyd, they look so nice.

- [Lydia] On you get.

- Excited.

So shall we do my lips first then, yeah?

- Yeah let's do your lips.

Now you've got your hair blonde.

There you go.

It's just to keep your fringe away.

Okay so what I'm gonna do,

I'm just gonna literally put a really fresh flush of colour

just through your lips,

'cause they're gonna look really great when you gloss them.

So I call it a gloss and go,

and all you need to do is put your gloss on

and they kind of come to life,

so they look really good.

- Luce, you're so brave.

- [Tracey] See how the color's coming up?

It's just really, really fresh.

It's really natural there.

- It looks really, really lovely Luce.

How long do you have to leave it Tracey

before you can kiss?

- About a year.

- [Lydia] A year?

- Yeah.

[laughing]

- Poor Mario.

[upbeat music]

[knocking on door]

- Hello Charlie, how you doing mate?

Are you good?

- I know it's not a regular occurrence,

but mate thanks for seeing me.

- No problem, brother

- Appreciate it, I really do.

- [Kirk] No, it's all right mate.

It's like the door is always open, but it's closed.

You have to knock but it is literally always open.

- Well dude, this is some pad, Kirk.

- S'alright mate, I try and make it cosy.

- Decorate it yourself?

- Well I got someone to decorate it for me,

but I chose the stuff.

So what do you want, brother?

- The thing is, like I'm going through a bit of a hard time,

my parents have just split, like very recently,

so this is setting off the anxiety thing for me again.

I've tried to keep it on a level recently,

but now all this stuff is happening.

I'm thinking I don't know which way to turn

and I'm panicking.

This is why I've come to see you

because when I heard that you suffer with that,

I suffer with that and sometimes I feel like

I'm the only one in the world that suffers with that.

- Yeah, see, exactly, that's why I was too scared

to tell anyone.

Because I didn't think anyone would know or...

- Relate to it maybe, like?

- Yeah.

I can't breathe.

Then I go dizzy and start seeing spots.

And you literally go, I go to a stage where

I'm about to pass out, you know.

- It's the spots and my hands clam up.

And my eyebrow starts trembling.

It's ruining my whole...

- You being a young adult, do you know what I mean?

- I can't even go out to a club at the minute.

- A lot of people think I'm rude and that,

but I can't socialise.

I don't know how to do it!

And it sounds so stupid;

I wish I could just stand up in a club and talk to people.

- Mate, I'm the same!

I'm the same.

[jazz music]

- I've been going on creepy sick ones recently.

I'm trying to be James Bond.

Not actually trying to be him but trying to sort of...

- [Chloe] What, like doing missions?

- Sort of yeah.

I basically went to a spy shop with Arg the other day,

and we bought some sick like little gadgets and that.

- What like?

- Can't say this to no one, promise?

- [Chloe] I won't, I promise.

- Promise me.

- Promise.

- Basically I got these little things about as big as that

and I put that there like that, little black thing,

and I have to ring this little thing,

makes no noise at all, and I can hear what you're saying

in this whole restaurant.

- No way.

I well would like one of them.

- Yeah, it's sick.

- Well what missions are you on?

- I dunno, so I'm excited about the James Bond thing

so I'll go buy loadsa stuff.

[laughing]

Just for some reason, this month's just been well weird,

like rocky.

- Yeah well maybe you're just like stressed

and like women are up and down.

Basically--

- Yeah me as well innit.

- All girls, periods are different,

and PMT, like--

- What's that?

- It's premenstrual some, turnout.

I dunno what the last word is, but anyway,

the point is, for two weeks out of the month

a girl can be really, really grumpy, emotional,

like erratic, - That's it then.

hungry, tired. - She's PMTing.

It makes you so tired.

I am like hellraiser.

Just bare in your mind, like maybe put a reminder

in your phone, exactly two weeks from now.

Dunno like I never know what to say to you

'cause I know that you're always gonna

sort it back out again, do you know what I mean?

[upbeat music]

- It's like, it's unreal now.

It sounds weird, but having a fall out

was the best thing ever, 'cause I realised,

not how much I need him, how much I love him,

and how much I get on with my dad,

do you know what I mean?

He's brilliant, and he's helped me out now

with my anxiety and stuff like that.

- It's really interesting for me to hear this,

beause basically my parents split up.

It turns out my dad's been seeing another woman,

he's upped and left out of the family home.

I found out my nan passed away this week.

- Aw sorry, mate.

- And now I'm panicking, thinking I'm like man of the house,

what am I going to do?

My old man's gone; I've got to look after my mum,

look after my sister.

I've gotta take control, and it's causing me to,

I can't sleep and I'm getting edgy

and I'm getting like anxiety.

- Don't try to be the man of the house,

believe that you are the man of the house,

do you know what I mean,

have hope that you can do it and you'll do it

in your stride, do you know what I mean?

- This is what interests me with you,

because to look at you from an outsider's perspective

I wouldn't have had you down for this kind of person

that actually you are behind the scenes, if you like.

- Yeah, it's a front.

- Loads of people suffer it, don't they?

- Do you know what I mean?

So we should do a little team me and you,

create awareness of it.

- I'd be up for doing something like that.

- It'll be good.

[upbeat music]

- Welcome to my singles night.

- What the hell are we doing here boys?

Seriously.

- Mate, you're gonna enjoy yourself,

have a good night, try and pull a bird.

- It's Gemma's singles night!

- Just have a drink!

- It doesn't matter whose single night it is, does it,

it's singles night, you're single.

Enjoy yourself!

- Finding love is like the hardest thing

in the whole wide world.

And I know it's taken a lot of courage

for everyone to come in this room tonight.

You're single, I can help you mingle.

[sighs]

Why have you three come?

- What's happening?

We're single.

- It's singles night isn't it?

- Erm basically,

come and see me first if you want a date with James.

And I just want you to really want you to enjoy the night,

thank you very much for coming.

[cheering]

Thank you, thank you.

- Right, I'll see you later, all right?

- Are you ditching us already?

- [Female] Yeah, see ya! - Ah no.

- Watch what happens now mate, I promise you now.

You know like how Arg did me over with the glass of water?

- Yeah.

- I've got the sickest revenge ever.

- What tonight?

- Yeah

- Why, what you done?

- I'm not going to tell you!

- Tell me what you've done!

- Nah!

- Tell me!

- Mate.

- Ooh.

- It don't matter, how or where you go,

what girls you go out with,

they are never going to be me,

I'm the best you ever had!

I have got to move on in my life and at the minute

I can't really be happy with someone else, James.

- I got your text, thanks for inviting me.

How are you, you all right?

What's going on?

- We were just having a little chat,

can we just have one minute darling?

- Okay.

- You look lovely, you look gorgeous.

I've just got to just clear something up with James.

Is that all right?

- Yeah, that's fine, that's fine, yeah that's all right.

- Thank you for coming, you look beautiful babe.

- I'll wait here for a minute, that's all right.

- No, actually, can we just have a private chat.

- Okay, but like he invited me?

- Yeah, no, I love it that you're here darling.

- Yeah, thank you.

- I've got no beef with you honey,

I'm so happy that you're here.

- All right, no worries.

- Wait a sec, wait a sec.

I don't want to cause any awkwardness

or start a row or anything like that.

But listen.

- Yeah, it's fine.

- But, erm, I didn't actually invite you tonight.

I didn't text you. - Did you not?

- No.

- Who like text me then from your phone?

'Cause they were saying, like obviously I haven't seen you

since you ran away from my house.

And then you text me a text message saying,

"I apologise Jaz, I'm really sorry,

"I didn't mean it, like come on,

"I'll make it up to you, come over here."

- Oh my god, I swear.

Jasmine, I swear...

- You text me saying--

- Jasmine, I've never text you once.

You're a nice girl and...

[upbeat music]

- I know you got upset and stuff, but I dunno,

like I just think your friends hate me for one.

- Basically, all you're trying to say is that

my mates think I'm funner when I wasn't with you.

Which yeah, probably is true.

But that's not the problem is it,

me and you are together, do you understand?

- Sorry for holding back your fun-ness.

- I'm not saying that, don't start an argument.

I'm just saying--

- I'm not but!

- Stop saying that.

- All I'm saying is that when you get upset,

I want you to talk to me!

- Sam, there's no way around it,

you've got a split personality.

From one point you'll be well nasty,

and then the next minute you're well nice.

That's what I'm saying, I can't come to you

when you're nasty, you tell me to go away.

- Stop telling me I'm nasty because I'm not

a fucking nasty person.

Please, stop it. - You are.

- Why are you fucking with me then?

So annoying.

- What's wrong with you?

- You can't say anything nice about me!

- Do you not want to be with me or something?

- I do, but why can't you say anything nice about me?

- I can't believe you've actually turned this

into an argument, started going mad at me!

Swearing your mouth off, why are you going mad for?

- Again, you've sat there and went to me,

you know, "You can be this really nasty person!"

- I can, Sam, because you can!

- But why do you keep going on about it?

- You are nasty to me!

You're nasty. - I'm not!

You are nasty to me.

- I'm not!

- Sam, this was meant to be a nice conversation

and you've mucked it all up!

Don't go about going to me, "Oh, yeah,

"why do you get so upset all the time,

"why do you cry?

"Why do you cry?"

- I don't say why you cry,

I know why we cry. - Just listen to me!

- I'm having a bad patch!

- Do you wanna know the reason I cry Sam?

Do you wanna know the reason I cry?

- Why?

- Because you always mention the word,

"Don't be with me then, let's split up then."

I don't wanna split up!

Stop mentioning splitting up!

I don't want to split up, Sam!

- Nor do I!

- Do I!

- For God's sake.

- I don't want to split up, so why do you keep saying it?

- I'm not, because you can't say anything nice about me.

- No, Sam, you're an idiot.

- Joey, you can't say anything nice about me, ever.

[upbeat music]

- I was round Sam's house this morning,

having breakfast and that.

And I dunno, it all got a bit like rowdy again

and basically started arguing again.

- She's basically not listened to anything that you've said.

- Fucking pissed me off mate, I feel sorry for you mate.

- Again, I love her and I don't want to split up with her.

- Yeah, exactly.

You know, you can tell us whatever you want.

That's what friends are for.

- Same shit, different day.

- That's what friends are for.

- Best friends.

Best friends.

- That's what friends are for, that's what friends are for.

True friends.

Right anyway, come on then, on a lighter note,

why are we here?

- The reason why we are here today right,

is because I've actually got something here with me,

but don't laugh at me and take me deadly serious

because it's something I've actually wanted to do

for a long while now, but I've been, you know,

like researching.

These shoes, like only two people have actually

committed to this, the magician Dynamo and Jesus.

Basically these shoes, they actually, these walk on water.

[laughing]

Don't laugh man, 'cause I'm being deadly serious

and I want to try something.

- No, no mate, it's a joke.

- [Joey] No, they can walk on water, honestly.

- What do you mean?

Joe, are you joking?

You're not going to walk on water in these trainers mate.

- No, sorry I've said it wrong, you can't walk, you can run.

- You can run on water?

- You can run on water, but only like,

it's only like something like steps.

- Like what, mate?

- It's not like that, mate.

Listen, these shoes run on water.

They actually work, if you believe in yourself

that you are going to walk on that water,

you are walking on that water.

- I believe in you mate, absolutely believe in you.

- Do you believe me or not really?

- Hmm.

- Go on then, put your money where your mouth is

and show us.

Let's do it.

- Do you know what we should do?

- [All] What?

- You know like you've got Superman, Spiderman, Batman,

why don't we give you a name?

- Duckman. - Duckman!

- I don't want to be Duckman.

- Gooseman? - Fishface?

[laughing]

- What hovers?

I'm gonna hover aint I.

- Hoverman!

- [Joey] Hoverman!

- Hoverman.

- Hoverman.

- Hoverman.

- [All] Hoverman, Hoverman, Hoverman,

Hoverman, Hoverman, Hoverman, Hoverman.

- Go fast!

- Go on do a practise run!

- Come on Joe!

Think science!

Right ready, believe!

- Right, wait, wait, the thing is,

I know when I walk in the water I'm gonna go straight down.

- No!

Believe!

- Don't doubt yourself!

- Do you believe in me?

- Yes, we believe mate!

- Do you believe in Hoverman?

- [All] Yes!

Hoverman, Hoverman, Hoverman, Hoverman, Hoverman,

Hoverman, Hoverman, Hoverman, Hoverman, Hoverman, Hoverman.

[laughing]

- I don't think you had the right angle!

Try it again, try it again.

- [All] One more time, one more time,

one more time, one more time, one more time.

Hoverman, Hoverman, Hoverman, Hoverman, Hoverman.

Come on.

- He did it!

[laughing]

Yes!

Yes!

- You've beaten science!

You've beaten science.

- I've beaten science.

- [Tom] Did it feel good?

- [Diags] How did it feel to be Hoverman?

[upbeat music]

- So when did this whole new thing start, Chris?

- What do you mean, new thing?

- What is that thing on your head?

- It's what I'm gonna wear when I go to like kids parties.

Mate, it's good fun.

- Are you actually doing this as a profession now?

- I haven't got any gigs yet, I can only make a dog.

But like obviously--

- To me you're sitting at home doing this as a hobby.

So most boys our age play Fifa, have their boys round.

- Yeah but when you can't play Fifa

and someone's on the controls,

I just whip one of these out and go

there you go mate, thanks for coming over tonight,

take a dog home with you.

No, to be honest mate, if I get a couple of kids parties

I could just rock up and make those.

- Chris, the thought of you at a kids party.

- Yeah but I mean like say for instance

you and Lucy have kids, who's there?

Uncle Chris only knocking these out for fun.

- One thing I want you to make me.

- [Chris] What?

- I want you to make me a wedding ring,

an engagement ring, out of balloons.

- I thought you was getting rid of one.

- Yeah, exactly, so I can replace it with Lucy

with a balloon ring.

- Okay.

- It looks exactly the same.

- [Chris] Give it a minute.

Jeez.

[balloon squeals]

- What the hell are yous two doing?

- That was meant to be your engagement ring replacement.

- [Lucy] What, a balloon?

Billy.

- I was thinking, I was gonna take £2000 of money,

go to Hamley's, buy loads and loads of toys

for the kids at Great Ormond Street,

because that's where I went, when I was born,

I couldn't breathe and they saved me there.

I think with the rest of the money

I wanna put it towards us getting a new house.

- [Lucy] Yeah that's exactly what I wanna do.

- I can't believe how easy this was.

Like you guys have just agreed on what to do with that ring.

- Without arguing.

- [Chris] You've stop arguing now.

- If this was a week ago, if this was two weeks ago,

she'd be like, "Nah you aint doing that."

- What would you have said if I said

do I wanna use the money to buy another Lola?

- I'd have told you we're gonna kill this one.

["James Bond Theme"]

- Hello mate!

- Good evening.

- What's happening, you all right?

- Looking smart!

- See, that's James Bond!

- Here he is.

- I'll call them back, but tell them it's Essex, Joey Essex.

- Who is it?

- Here he comes.

- How come it's only me and Diags

that ain't come as James Bond?

- I have come as James Bond?

- Ah sorry, oh, right, I thought you was Jaws!

[laughing]

[upbeat music]

- Hello.

- All right?

- Yeah.

Oh at the bottom as well, that's a new one to me, cheers.

How did shopping go anyway, is it all right?

- Yeah, Diags is literally hilarious.

- Yeah.

- Thank you.

Sea urchin!

See, it don't look that bad.

- That looks like a tongue, look at that,

like an orange tongue.

I can't eat that.

I'm really nervous.

- Go on.

- That is...

- Nice?

- Don't like it.

- Don't like it?

- That is not normal.

- You've come to London to eat sushi, but like what is this?

Is this like friends out for dinner or a date?

I don't really know what it is.

- I don't know, I don't know.

I mean...

I mean we get along really well,

your banter is all right,

mine's better but yours is all right.

- Obviously not.

- We've both just come out of something,

a very long relationship, the pair of us,

do you know what I mean?

I don't know, I think that's quite

a difficult question to ask.

What do you see it as?

- Yeah, I really like you and I'm quite,

like my feelings are open, I don't like games,

and like I don't like tricking people.

So if you're single?

- I am single, and I don't want to play games

or trick you or lie.

That's what I'm saying to ya,

I like I value you as a person, so no,

that's not what you're going to get from me, basically.

But I'm really busting to go to the toilet,

so I'll quickly and I'll be back in a minute please.

- Go on then.

- Sorry.

- You're not going to be sick are you?

- Nah, I'm not.

- 'Cause that's cheating!

- I hope not, I'll be back in a minute.

- So what do you do?

Turn your cards?

- Tonight is sick!

- Is it actually?

- I've made an effort, I've bought some spy stuff.

If you put that watch on like that,

you press a button and it records everything

what everyone's saying.

- Disguise!

- Who is that?

I didn't invite you, I did not.

Who is this geezer?

- What are these, just gloves?

- Don't open them gloves.

- Charlie, if I have it rightly,

you're a bit of an MJ fan 'ent ya?

- Of course

- Can you give us a little quick move?

- You see, that's what I call a fucking party.

- I've got a spy device inside that room right now

and I can hear them.

- What?

- I put a spy device in there.

- What, is there seriously?

- That is sick

- You don't believe me?

- Of all the gadgets you bought today,

I do not believe there's a listening one in here.

- Mate, trust me, I can bring that to Spain.

- We went to a spy shop,

we went to a spy shop the other day.

- Er, okay.

- Are you having a good night tonight?

- It's been good man, I've really enjoyed it,

you see that's the mission for me,

like come in here and sort of being around these boys,

it's very difficult for me because I sometimes feel

very awkward and I sometimes feel like

I don't really belong within like social networks.

What I'm trying to say is like I do struggle

and I struggle wherever I go.

- Why do you think I'm so drunk?

I wanted everything to sort of be right,

I wanted to have a manly atmosphere.

I wanted to have a like so that we can all get deep,

do you know what I mean?

- People don't know how to work me out,

so instantly it's very easy to say oh, Charlie and Bobby,

they're getting it on, or Charlie must be,

because he's hanging around with Bobby

he must be more likely to be gay.

I never say never in life with in anything,

I have never said that I would say no

to a same sex relationship.

- Oh shit!

Did you hear that?

- And I put my hand up to that,

I wanna be, just it all to happen naturally it and be cool.

- Not force it because you think...

- But I find that so many people want to

point the finger and judge and say well,

you must be this and you must be that.

All right, I might turn around and say

I'll never say never to a same sex relationship,

don't label me anything.

- So what's he trying to say?

He's trying to say he would never rule out

being with a man, ever.

- Basically he's trying to say...

- He's not saying he would get with a man now,

not that he wants men but if the right man came along

and he thought it was right he would be with that man.

- You know what, I'm going to hug it out with you, brother.

- Thank you man, honestly.

Do you know what, thank you.