Original subtitles

- [Narrator] This programme contains interesting eyewear,

a couple of players, and Joey's entire wardrobe.

As always, the tans you see might be fake

but the people are all real although some of what they do

has been set up purely for your entertainment.

Previously on "The Only Way Is Essex."

- I didn't want to be with you Gemma, anymore, did I?

And why is there no lead to my Play Station either?

- Do you feel engaged?

- No.

- There you go then.

We're not engaged.

- So you're not expecting him to be baptised.

- [Ladies] No.

- Well.

- No.

- I actually can't stand Mick if I'm being honest.

Who do you think you are?

- I think if my date doesn't like animals

and going to an outdoor animal farm would probably be--

- A shit date.

- Yeah, a shit date.

- Everything you want, this girl's got?

- You look really nice though.

- Thank you.

[upbeat music]

♪ The only way is up

♪ Baby

♪ For you and me now, ooh

[intense music]

- Touch my hands coming up, one,

Arg, if you do this you will end up, you'll have a body

like Superman at the end of it.

All the way down, all the way up.

[Arg gasps]

And down.

Up, down, four.

Five, that's good.

Look at all the girls that will look at you

when you're nice and fit yeah.

Nice, tanned, seven.

- I'm tanned already.

- So I just thought if we get the fattiest food

and just sit here, you know like old people wait

for ducks to come and they feed the ducks,

so we wait for Arg to come and we'll feed Arg.

- [Joey] That's out of order though, isn't it?

- There have it, no!

No!

Do you want it girlfriend?

- C'mon, faster than that.

Push it, come on.

- [Arg] Oh, for fuck's sake.

- And we all write our name in the bench, "Kirk was here."

- I used to do it when I was small.

- Touch it.

- [Arg] Oi, Oi!

- [Joey] Oi, oi.

- Oh, for God's sake

- You hungry brother?

You been training, do you want some?

Chicken is good for ya!

- Stop man. - Just take this off.

- Have one of them, go on. - No I'm not gonna do it.

- Have one of them, have a little bit, have one little bit.

- Just take the skin off of it.

- There's no skin on that, trust me.

- Oh go on, I'll have that then.

- Go on, boom in your mouth.

Yeah, see there's the skin, I'll eat that.

Look there's none on that one.

- No, no more.

I'm full up anyway.

- Just one, trust me, just for a laugh.

- Put it in your pocket.

- No, shut up!

[Kirk laughing]

If I lose weight I'll feel more confident, like I'll be able

to pull better looking girls, look nice in my suits.

- Look, I know where you're going wrong.

- [Arg] Go on.

- Joey told me your chat up line.

- [Arg] What's my chat up line?

- I want to kiss you on the lips.

- Joey, I've never ever.

[Kirk laughs]

- You do!

- Right, I'm going to carry on training,

thanks for the offer for the chicken and chips

but it's a new Arg, it's a new dawn

and it's a new day and I'm gonna crack on.

- Ready, steady!

Go! - Go.

[boys laughing]

[upbeat music]

- Oh my god, that is such a cute gesture!

Tom, that is so cute! - Happy birthday.

Do you like it?

- Thank you. - How cool is it though?

Look it says,

- [Both] Happy first birthday.

- Bella Sorella. - Aww, you're so cute.

It's got balloons inside it.

- I know, it's a balloon in ballon, innit?

- That is so cool.

- I know. - How did you do that?

- Just years of practise.

- [laughs] Thank-- [screams]

- What have you done? - Oh my god, I've popped it!

- You burst it! - I've popped it, shit!

- You having a laugh?

- Tom, what we gonna do?

- You've just ruined my present.

- Oh my god, put some cello tape on it.

- That take me days.

- Oh my god, so sorry.

I've smashed it on the chandelier.

Take your finger off.

There we go, good as new.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, it's not gonna last very long.

- You just broke me heart.

- [Lydia] I'm so sorry!

- D'you know how long that took?

- Thank you, I'm sorry.

- It's all right.

- How are you, good?

- I'm good.

How are you?

- I'm good, I'm good. - Your legs are out.

- I know, I know. - You've got skinny legs.

- I am a little bit upset, not gonna lie.

- About what, the whole?

- Mariolla hates me!

Am I a prick?

- Only sometimes a prick.

You're not always, d'you know what I mean?

But you were a bit busy.

- Yeah but I was only being busy

'cause Lucy asked me to, Tom. - That's okay, I know.

- Lucy said,

I didn't really want to call out Mario.

Lucy said, "Lydia, please can you call out Mario.

"and just explain from the girl's perspective."

- I know, you've been a friend.

- So I was just being a friend in need.

Like, just trying to help her out.

Poor girl, she's going through so much trouble in her life.

And I thought if I could help her out in any way,

then that's okay.

And if it means that Mario disliked me

and called me a prick, then so be it.

- He's just pissed off that the whole fact that,

the whole situation and because you had to be the deed

to tell him, "Look you shouldn't do it anymore."

What'd you reckon it would take for Lucy

to say to Maz, "Look I don't think this is working anymore,

"I can't do it."

- If she just has enough one day.

If it's just one time too many.

I don't know.

[gentle music]

- I've been learning to DJ.

- [Diags] No you haven't.

- [Chloe] I have!

- [Lauren] Who's teaching you?

- Darrell, do you know him?

- [Diags] Yeah, I've heard of him.

- He's a really nice guy,

and like, he does really nice little things

when I turn up to DJ, he knows I like tea.

- Of course.

- Since the first time I said it,

he gets me a tea with milk and no sugar, every time I go.

- Do you wanna do bits, with Darrell?

- No, don't, like, listen.

You know it's my situation, like I'm just like--

- Yeah so it'd be nice for you to have someone to,

like a guy, and he's a good looking guy,

to spend time with. - He is good looking.

And he's got really nice hands.

- I ain't jealous or anything.

[all laughing]

[upbeat music]

- You're not bringing that in.

I'm not being horrible, but it's not gonna happen.

Take them off.

[both laughing]

- I've got everything done, yeah?

- Yep, come on.

- Joey Essex, Zac Efron.

- Come on, it's not raining in here.

- So, this is most of my stuff.

This is pretty much all of it really, innit?

- All of it?

Ah, look, moving in together now.

Next step of the relationship.

But you remember the rules, the house rules.

- What's the house rules?

- Saturday night got be home by three.

If I'm ill you've got to look after me,

like now for example.

You've got to keep it tidy.

No wet towels, no teabags in the sink.

- Even if I just like,

leave a little bit of floss somewhere,

you'd get the hump?

- You've actually got dirty floss in your pocket?

- Yeah, I was flossing my teeth earlier on.

- [Sam] Why didn't you just put that in the bin?

- Because I'm gonna put it in the bin,

as soon as I'm across the line.

[both laugh]

- [Sam] Come on, you, shut the door.

- [Joey] I'm locked, I'm in.

[upbeat music]

- Oh my God!

- Do I look fit? - What the hell?

- [Girls] Cuddles!

- You want to cuddle me?

- Ugh! - My man.

- Why are we doing this?

- Is this the best apology you've ever had?

- This would be the best apology I've ever had.

- It's a bit of a weird apology.

"I'm sorry, here's a sumo."

- Lyd, I think I should give you my suit.

And you can fight Mario,

and Mario's not allowed to do anything back.

[Lydia laughs]

- This is so funny. - Right, ready?

[upbeat music]

- I want you to do it on your own.

And if you mess up, it don't matter,

'cause its only me and you here.

So it's not a problem.

- All right. - Don't worry.

- All right, but when I do it,

you turn around and don't look, you can listen.

- What, why?

- I feel under pressure.

- I'm gonna listen in one ear, all right?

- All right, go on, turn around then.

[upbeat music]

♪ We give it

- I'm not looking.

♪ There's every pressure beating down on me ♪

♪ We can discredit all authority ♪

♪ I'm starting to feel electric ♪

♪ You're static, static flows

♪ You're starting to

- You got the idea, the basic idea's there.

But you're coming in too soon.

- All right.

- Remember the two vocals are gonna clash.

So you've gotta get that vocal out,

so this one out before the vocal in that one comes in.

- Yeah. - Otherwise it, yeah.

- Okay, ready?

- Yep.

♪ We can reproach the society

- Now bring it in.

♪ Every pressure beating down on me ♪

- [Darrell] Speed it a little bit.

♪ All authority

- Now listen to the vocals coming together,

so this one's gotta come out.

[upbeat techno music]

♪ We can't pretend

♪ I start to feel electric

- I'm joking, I'm joking, I'm joking, I'm joking.

That was good.

That was good, better!

So now you can come and play at a club with me.

You think? - Yeah.

- All right, let's crack back on with this then.

- Okay.

[upbeat music]

- All right.

The rules are.

There are no rules.

Obviously except for Lydia,

'cause Lydia's allowed to do whatever she wants,

it could be the big fat bum in the face, so--

- Used to it.

[all laughing]

- [Lydia] Does mine have bigger boobs than yours?

Is this a girl's one, and that's a boy's one?

- Yeah I think yours are bigger.

[upbeat music]

[both grunting]

- Mario, I can't believe you called me a busy prick!

- I can't believe you are one!

[all laughing]

- Use your anger, go for it.

- Ready?

[girls screaming]

- [Lydia] I'm suffocating, I'm really hot. [screams]

[gentle music]

- They're all just sitting there,

having a drink and having a chat,

and sitting there together.

And then one has a swipe, and then the next one,

and no one come to our defence.

- When was that, around Gemma's?

- Yeah, I think it was around Gemma's.

- See I like to learn

how you're gonna react to something off you.

- I'm disappointed, if I'm honest mate, I'm disappointed.

And don't really know what to say.

You know you've always looked after these people,

and they can turn on you like that.

I just don't know the reason why.

Bit disappointing really, the way Lucy said to Mario

that he can't speak to me or see me.

I've never led him down the garden path,

he's never been promiscuous whilst

in my company or anything, you know what I mean.

I don't know why they would do that again,

but there's another pop at Sugar Hut.

Take Richard Branson for instance

and he has the air stewardesses, does anyone give

him stick over it. - No one mugs them off.

- When he has a picture with him?

Yeah, no, 'cause that's business isn't it?

Go through my life trying to be nice to people,

and respect people,

and hoping that comes back the other way.

And when you see someone taking a public swipe at you

in front of other people,

to me is like, it's a real bitter pill to swallow.

[upbeat music]

- Are you still in pain?

- Oh I'm in pain in my back here.

- Don't you want to try them on?

We've got to look glam.

- I want to but I've got bandages on.

- Come on, hi ladies!

- Hello.

- Wow, Cara, look at these dresses.

That is such a bit of me.

- That is beautiful but--

- I'm not being funny, look at that.

- Billi, that is beautiful but--

- Diamonds, feathers.

- I'm not wearing anything like that.

- That is me all over, look imagine you in that.

Now that you're a skinny bitch,

you might fit in it.

- I'm not wearing blue to my christening.

Can you try on what I pick?

- Yeah, pick that one out, Cara.

Okay, and this one.

- And the ruffle,

and I want you to try the skater dress on for me, please.

- Okay, come on Elvis, come on Elephant.

[Cara laughs]

[upbeat music]

- You and Joe have been together for quite a while now,

you're meant to be living together.

- I know.

We just argue over the smallest things.

And like, we argue over breakfast.

We argue over, like, what colour this bench is.

Do you know what I mean?

- Does it feel like he's sort of nit picking

about every little thing or--

- And it's like I don't know what it is like

ever since like, the last couple of months

whenever I get drunk, I'm having a really good time

and as soon as I see him, it's like there's an argument.

He's like, "Look at you, you're so drunk."

"Look at that state of you."

And I'm like, "Number one, that's not fair."

"You got out and get drunk."

Do you know what I mean?

I don't know why he can't just enjoy a night out with me.

- But I can't understand,

like you're living together now,

so how I can't understand how you've not

spoken to each other for days.

- I'm not doing it this time.

I feel like I'm always saying sorry.

But for what for?

[upbeat music]

- [Cara] Have you got one on yet?

- [Billi] Oh my God, Cara, it's so small.

I literally feel like a sausage in a skin.

[Cara laughs]

- I'll have to get you a size 12.

- [Billi] Cara, obviously 'cause we're like

getting christened in a church.

- Yeah.

- I do think we have to

really think about what we're wearing.

You know, Jeffrey is an Essex reverend vicar.

Look at this.

- That's lovely, it looks lovely.

Billi your boobs are out, far too much.

- I'm not being funny, it is 2012 and it is Essex.

So I'm gonna try some of the more nude-y--

- Can you try one of mine on for me now?

- All right.

- Thank you. - Yes, Cara.

- Thanks, Billi.

- I'm getting yours on for you, Queen Kilbey.

Oh my God, it's actually really nice.

Excuse me, Elvis.

- Oh see, my style is so much nicer than yours. [laughs]

- Maybe we should wear matching.

- No, I chose that one.

- The thing is maybe I might wear this one.

- No, I don't think so.

- Why? - Because I chose it.

- I've got it on, you haven't.

- No.

- Actually, I do like this one.

- No, you don't like that one!

I can't even get up and push you over.

- I'm sorry, sorry you can't try your dresses on.

That's what happens when you have lipo.

- Oh you're such a bitch.

- [Billi] Come on, Elvis, don't talk to her.

- Ralph.

[upbeat music]

- That's one in there?

- We got the honeys.

If they want to ride the horses they've got to muck out.

- Hey, Mick's tools are pink.

- It's freezing out, man.

- Are you cold?

- Yeah. - Put a coat on!

- How are you doing, man? - I'm good.

- Get that on, son.

- Dress him up, go on.

- I gotta leave yous to it. - All see you later.

- Nice seeing you, Joey. - See you later, mate.

- What are you wearing shorts for?

It's Winter.

- I had a bit of an argument with Sam.

So all my clothes is round her house.

- Why are you arguing with Sam?

- I don't know, we always argue.

We always have little bit, we always argue

about silly things.

- Mate, I know.

I've seen you when you've had a little tiff before,

and you're in a bad place.

- Whenever we have an argument, we always make up.

This time, I would say to be honest,

with the whole situation

we're both being stubborn, both like,

not really talking.

- Yeah, sometimes I think

that's the problem in relationships.

There's arguments, arguments,

but you never talk why the argument is.

- Say for instance, like, we start drinking.

You know what she's like when she's had a drink.

- [Mick] Everyone's different when they've had a drink,

they can't help it, so you know when she's drunk--

- That's what I mean.

I said to her, "I love you, and I know you're like that."

But it's just horrible innit, we go out and she has a drink,

and she starts being well nasty and that.

What was I gonna talk to you about?

You know Arg?

- Yeah, I've heard of him.

- Basically, I generally think

if you go on a dating website to find a girl--

- You've got problems. - You've got a problem

- Not like-- - It's weird, isn't it?

It's not normal, is it?

- It's not a normal thing.

I wouldn't be like, I need a girlfriend.

Internet, boom, boom boom--

- That's what I'm saying.

- That's a last resort so that means something's happened.

- That means you literally can't get a girlfriend at all.

Do any of you know Argent?

- [Ladies] Yeah.

- Do any of yous fancy him?

- [Ladies] No.

[Mick laughs]

- Don't worry about it.

- On my back, let's go.

I love you girls for that.

- See you later, Joe!

[upbeat music]

- We've both said it's been a bad omen,

it's been so bad so far,

all it's done is bring bad luck.

- It's gonna be hard to take it off.

- [Mario] We both know it feels right

to go back to being boyfriend and girlfriend and stuff.

- It's really sad.

Right, let's just take it off.

You decide what to do with it,

I don't want it around, because it's gonna make me sad.

And I would just want to put it back on again.

- I'll get the diamonds taken off of it,

and put it into my watch.

- No, you're not having that done!

- [Mario] Think how wicked that would look.

With just more diamonds on it just everywhere.

- Give it back. [laughs]

- Looks quite good on me.

[upbeat music]

- You're on the pull, you're on the pull, I'm on the pull!

You can help me out!

- We're definitely pulling birds tonight.

- How you gonna pull someone tonight in front of my eyes?

- He might pull someone,

but he needs to borrow your linen shirt first. [laughs]

- So, I'm gonna get you for that, I'll fuck you up.

- You know what, them girls there are fit, mate.

Invite them over, Arg.

- Can't do that.

- Yes, you can, be confident.

Invite them over for a drink.

Anybody, anyone.

Literally, invite the girls over.

- [Arg] How are you?

[upbeat music]

- You're nervous ain't ya?

- A little bit.

- Don't be silly you're all right.

- I feel like doing a runner.

- Don't be silly.

Here they are.

♪ I'm on the floor, floor

- Three, four.

♪ Bass drop, bass drop

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

- It's all right innit.

♪ Put your hands up

♪ You got a hundred dollar bill put your hands up ♪

- Look, look see that's what you're doing that look.

- They like this one, don't they?

- This is you doing that though...

- Yay, no us. - I didn't do, it.

♪ Make noise

[upbeat music]

- Boys I'm gonna go to the toilet or something, all right?

I'm going to the toilet.

- All right. - See you in a bit.

- Going toilet. - Where's he going?

- Arg, Robin does musical theatre!

- No way!

Robin come sit next to me, talk about musical theatre.

- Go on, Robin.

Well literally.

- Literally whatever we want.

- We'll like literally do whatever we like.

- So you really love musical theatre?

- [Robin] Yeah, I love it!

- Do ya?

- Yeah, I've been in musicals, I love it.

- What, in the West End?

- Yeah, I was in the West End for two and half years.

- No way!

- [Robin] In "Grease".

- That's like I've always dreamed of doing.

- [Robin] You should do it then.

- I know that I'll be in the West End, one day.

- [Robin] I reckon you'll get cast.

- I reckon I could be the new Jason Donovan.

[upbeat music]

- Well done!

- You were rocking it, girlfriend!

- Did you enjoy it?

Thank you for coming, it was so good that I could see you.

- You've done so well.

- Can I just say,

you so have to go out with Darrell.

- Oh my God, Gemma.

Why are you setting me up. - I've seen the love, no,

I've seen the love in the DJ booth.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Don't use the love word!

♪ She makes me wanna dance

[upbeat music]

- [Gemma] How great was Chloe tonight?

- You know what, I didn't think

she could actually do it on her own.

- She is fantastic, I love watching her.

And that new fella is so sweet.

- She's not getting with him.

- Are you getting jel?

- Well, I'm not jel, I'm not upset.

- She will never replace her Diags, don't worry.

- It's fine it doesn't matter, the reason why

I actually wanted to talk to you is.

Arg came back to mine, we'd been drinking,

but we weren't drunk.

And he sat there and was going look,

"I still have feelings for Gemma, I still like her."

"I still love her."

Why are you looking at me like that?

- [Gemma] You're joking me, are you serious?

- Yeah, I think that he still likes you.

- Tell me word for word, everything he said.

You know what the weirdest thing is?

I know he still likes me.

- Yeah.

- [Arg] Hey!

- Arg, what's happening?

- [Diags] All right, yous two should have a chat.

I'll see you later, see you later, man.

- [Arg] You all right or?

- James, I'm good as gold.

How are you?

- Yeah, I'm fine, yeah I'm sweet.

- Diags has just come up to me and said,

"Oh James was really drunk the other night,

"and he said that he's still got feelings for you."

- I'm surprised at Diags.

I don't know why he'd turn around and say that.

I must admit, seeing you now,

and obviously the fact that I haven't

been able to pull anyone, it is quite tempting

to you know.

I could easily leave with you,

and go home back to yours tonight.

Not that I've had a few, I'm not saying it's the alcohol,

but I've had a few.

- James. - I could easily.

- You could easily come back to my house tonight?

And do you think I'd let that happen?

- Yes - Honestly?

- Yes, yes!

- James, it ain't Christmas yet!

- I'm joking.

- Laugh all you want.

I do really miss you.

- How much?

- James!

- I'm just asking.

- Looks like you're getting a cab,

'cause you ain't passed your driving test yet.

So, what you gonna do, then?

- I'll probably be at yours in about half an hour.

- James, you're deluded.

[Arg laughs]

- Listen, you've got an opportunity.

It's up to you, if you want to take it.

- Do you want me to give you a lift home?

- You won't drop me home though.

- [Gemma] No, I will, James.

- You won't drop me home.

- You can either get a cab,

or I'll give you a lift home.

What would you like to do?

- I'll go with you.

- Come on, then, you silly sod.

- [Arg] You won't drop me home.

- [Gemma] I will, James.

[upbeat music]

- Oh my God, are you ready for this?

- I'm so ready, but me head's gonna go through the roof.

- And what if it comes out wrong?

- Do you know what, I'm gonna--

- 'Cause beauty if from within, Bobby.

This is like being in a doctor's surgery.

- Well, it is, isn't it?

It's medical.

- Are you sure you wanna get this done?

- Well I've been umming and ahhing for a while.

And I think now's the time.

- You ain't gonna believe what's happened.

- What? - I am so excited right,

are you ready for this?

- I'm nervous now, yeah I'm ready.

- I was in Faces last night.

Sat there and had the nicest chat

that I've had with James for a long time.

Get on this, he gets in my car,

he then tells me, "I didn't sleep with anyone in Ibiza.

"I physically can't get anyone after you, Gemma."

[both laughing]

Listen, it gets better.

Then he goes to me, "Can I stay at your house tonight?"

I went, "No, James, at the end of the day

"you've just sprung all this on me.

"What's going on?"

- [Doctor] Good afternoon.

- [Both] Hello, Dr. Botox.

- How you feeling?

- I'm a bit nerves now.

- You definitely want to have it though?

- 100%.

- [Doctor] Have you done any reading around?

- I have, I've read that it was developed--

- It's from Iraq.

- Yeah, it was developed in Iraq.

Is that right?

- No.

- Or, it was fresh from the jaws of an anaconda.

So I'm guessing snake.

- [Doctor] I think you've been reading too much.

- Yeah that's venom for the lips.

It makes lips swollen.

- Oh see, Wikipedia was no good to me.

- No.

- [Doctor] Are you ready?

- I'm ready, Gemma, hold my hand.

- All right, sharp scratch in.

[upbeat music]

[phone ringing]

- Hello.

- Jasmine.

- Oh hi, babe, how are you?

I recognised your voice yeah.

How are you, you all right?

- I just wanted to apologise for the other night really.

I mean, you know, it's a bit obviously embarrassing

as it was having to a blind date with my mate sort of

setting it up, and them being there--

- Oh no, don't worry, honestly.

- Apparently you said, you didn't really fancy me,

but I just thought that I don't know,

I just thought obviously,

we got some sort of similar interests

and stuff in common--

- Yeah no, do you know what,

Arg, you're really lovely boy, I don't know,

you're not normally the type of guy I go for.

But your personality is lovely, and--

- Anything can happen, but I just thought

even just have a bit of female company

or it's up to you if you wanted to.

- Yeah, 100%.

- All right, cool.

- I'd love to do that.

What'd you wanna do?

What're you doing tonight?

- Well, I'm not too sure, you know.

Obviously, I'm not sure what I'm up to at the moment.

- You're welcome to come round.

- Really?

- Yeah, of course.

- All right then, cool.

- All right then, babe.

I'll speak to you soon, ring me later.

Let me know what you're doing.

All right, hon, bye.

- [laughs] Go on, Argy.

♪ I'll be your connection

♪ Getting something more

- [Gemma] You all right, how are you?

- Good, thank you for coming.

- That's all right, what's up?

- No, I was just think about like,

the other day with the whole Mick thing.

- What do you mean?

- Like how angry you was.

- What's that got to do with you?

- 'Cause I'm actually gonna start working for Mick,

and I was like speaking to him,

and he was really, really upset about it.

- I don't think it's your concern, Danni.

- Yeah I know, but where I'm like a woman,

so I thought, instead of a man coming to you

saying, "Why did you say this, why'd you say that?"

- Yeah, but you're looking at me with this face on you.

- What face, what face? - And I've known you

for a long time.

Show me a bit of respect, Danni,

I've been a good friend to you.

- No but what face, what face do you mean?

- Like, you're all up in my grill.

- I honestly thought this would be a normal conversation,

I didn't think--

- This ain't normal,

for you to be coming to talk to me, Danielle.

'Cause it's none of your business.

- How, I've gone to him and I said,

"I want to work with the Sugar Honeys."

He's like literally, "I think the Sugar Honeys

"have been tarnished."

I'm supposedly Hugh Hefner, I want to be this."

I said, "I don't think everyone actually thinks that."

- It was a bit of a laugh.

It's tongue in cheek, Danielle, it's tongue in cheek.

Who does he think he is, Hugh Hefner, ha ha.

It's funny, Mick ain't gotta prove his innocence to me,

I've baked him an apple pie, I've supported his night club.

Don't roll your eyes.

- No-- - 'Cause that's rude.

- Oh my God. - Very rude.

You are gonna go far in your life,

because you've got more front

than Woolworths. - You're being patronising.

[upbeat music]

- Hello!

How are you?

- I'm good, I've got the champagne ready.

- Oh amazing.

Your hair looks lovely.

- Thank you.

I had a blow-dry but I don't know why

'cause we're gonna get in the jacuzzi, aren't we?

- I know. [laughs]

- It's gonna go all frizzy.

This is to our spa weekend.

- Cheers. - Cheers.

[upbeat music]

- Women are doing a spa in the bottom of a hotel.

I thought well, let's go look around some nice bars,

and we'll take some ideas, write some ideas down

and then give them to my dad, and say,

"Hey dad look, I thought I'd do one better

"than just being the eyes and ears in the club."

Here we are, we're here mate, is it?

It looks alright, don't it Joe?

- Kinda nice.

- Kinda nice.

[upbeat music]

[doorbell rings]

- You all right? - Hello, hon.

How are you, you all right?

- [Arg] Good thanks, you all right?

- Yeah, I'm good, thank you.

Do you want to pop in for a little bit?

- Yeah sure.

- [Jasmin] C'mon, come in.

- You look nice.

- Thank you, so do you.

Can you take your shoes off please?

- Oh yeah, sure.

- Thank you.

Mom, Dad, this is James.

James, this is my dad.

- Hello. - Nice to meet you.

How are you doing, you all right?

- We've been fine, thank you.

- Sit down, babe.

- Hello, to meet you - How you doing?

- You sure?

- Yeah. - Sure, sit down.

- Make yourself comfortable. - Oh sorry.

- They don't bite, don't worry.

- You all right?

- Yeah, good, good, good.

How is everyone?

- Yeah fine, how are you?

- Yeah I'm all right, are you all right?

- Do you want some snacks?

- [Jasmin] Yeah, go on.

- No, honestly, I'm on a diet.

- [Dad] Grab something, mate.

- Thank you, could I get just a ham sandwich.

- Yeah go on, have some more.

- All right, cool, that'll do me.

All right, I suppose one profiterole won't hurt.

- Okay. - Cool, okay,

I'll try one of those.

That will do me, honestly.

I promise you, thank you.

- What are your intentions with my daughter?

- [Arg] Sorry, what'd you mean?

- Are you serious with my daughter?

- What do you mean?

- Dad it's not serious. - It's their second date, Dad.

- Yeah, we're just friends, yeah.

- Oh, you're just friends.

- Yeah, it's our second date, Dad.

- Jasmin's got similar interest to me, so

it's quite nice to have a bit of company,

and you know, I'm sure, I'll treat her like a lady,

and I'm sure we'll have a nice time and stuff, so.

- So basically, when yous two go out,

yeah, on a date,

do they say like, "Oh look, it's Pavarotti

"and Charlotte Church."

[both laughing]

'Cause you both can sing and stuff?

[both laugh]

- So you trying to say I look like Pavarotti?

- [Jasmin] You're so mean.

[all laughing]

- [Dad] Are you gonna be coming around more often?

[all laughing]

- He's gonna be moving in, yeah.

- [Dad] I don't mind.

- Cool, yeah, wait and see how it goes and stuff, yeah.

Listen I just gotta quickly,

Joey's just texted, and I've got to give him a call.

So I'm just gonna go outside,

make a call, is that all right?

- Go ahead mate.

- [Arg] I don't mean to be rude or anything.

- [Dad] Yeah, no problem.

- [Mum] He's nice, but he's not your type, like.

- Mum!

[upbeat music]

- This is so nice!

How relaxing.

- Hello.

- What are you doing here?

- [Both] We're having a spa day.

- Where have the bubbles gone?

- Kirk, just fart.

- Please don't fart.

- I'm not gonna fart!

What are you doing here?

- We're having a girly day out.

- Yeah. - We just ruined it

now haven't we?

- I can't believe yous are in a spa.

- So, you're not getting on good

with the guys at the moment, are ya?

- I don't wanna talk about it,

I didn't come out today to talk about it.

I'm happy, but we're not engaged anymore.

- What?

- Come here.

- Why are you not engaged?

- [Lucy] We just decided it's the best thing to do.

- I just don't get it,

how can you unengaged and be with each other?

It's like splitting up, isn't it?

[girls scream]

- That was really nice.

- I told him, he's on his last chance now,

he's never doing it again.

- Whoa, that was nice.

So have you spoke to Lauren since it happened?

- No, I can't do it, like, I--

- Do you think that's 'cause you love her though?

- No, far from love her.

I'm seeing someone else anyway.

She's like you, she's pretty, naturally pretty.

Wakes up out of bed, and you're like cor, ain't you a sort.

Not wakes out of bed and she's like,

"One minute, let me put my face on."

I ain't masturbating as much, and that's a plus.

- [Girls] Ugh!

- Too much info.

- Do you need more champagne?

- Yeah, get some champers.

- I can't believe how random this is.

- I can't believe yous are here.

- We're going soon anyway.

- This is so random, I gotta take a photo.

- Ready, steady.

- Don't spray it, Kirk!

Look, don't spray it.

- Don't, don't don't. - Don't.

[girls scream]

[Kirk laughs]

- Sent it to Tom, this is so random.

Look who gate crashed the spa.

- [Joey] You've gate crashed the spa.

- No, you gatecrashed our spa.

- That is so.

Where's Kirk gone?

- He's holding his breath.

[both laughing]

- [Tom] She's left you the ring?

Let's see the ring.

- No, the ring so far

has just been nothing but bad luck.

More than anything, its like the devil's diamond.

- Oh mate.

- Seriously, what about you and Lyd?

- Obviously, looking at your situation,

I just think, I love Lyds to bits,

but I don't want to rush things too much.

[phone beeps]

So random.

- What's that?

- "Look who gatecrashed spa day, how random Kirk and Joey."

- [Mario] She's coming 'round tonight and she thinks

she staying out, she got another think coming.

In fact, I'm gonna call her right now.

- Mate, that is absolutely fuming.

- So our two girlfriends in a hot tub with two other boys?

- Literally just poured my heart out.

- Hello, what the fuck are you doing in a hot tub

with Kirk and Joey?

- [Lucy] What?

- So why is Kirk in a hot tub with you then,

popping champagne?

For a picture that Lydia just took of you.

- [Lucy] Me and Lydia were in the hot tub, drinking--

- For the last three days, you've had a go at me

for texting, "How are you?"

- [Lucy] [faintly speaking] Don't you fucking dare,

we were in a hot tub.

- She can fuck her ring, it's a Rolex.

- It's an absolute liberty.

[upbeat music]

♪ Don't be long oh

♪ The only way is up, baby

♪ For you and me now

♪ The only way is up, baby

♪ For you and me now

♪ The only way is up, baby

♪ For you and me now, ooh