Original subtitles

- [Narrator] This programme contains a trip to the seaside,

a dodgy duet, and a quick dump.

The tans you see might be fake,

but the people are all real,

although some of what they do has been set up

purely for your entertainment.

- Woo!

- [Narrator] Previously on "The Only Way Is Essex."

- 'Course I'm gonna confront Sam.

And if she gives me the bullshit back

that it's this girl I know,

I'm just gonna laugh in her face.

[upbeat electronic music]

- I've seen my sister cry for a whole day,

because of you.

I think you're a lunchbox.

- Someone give you like an Essex dictionary or something?

- Ta ta.

- You come to me insinuating he was touchy-feely with you

in Marbella! - Insinuating?

What do you mean, insinuating?

- What, are you going back on your word now?

[upbeat pop music]

♪ The only way is up

♪ Baby

♪ For you and me now

[soft music]

- How two-faced can two people be?

I know I shout and I know I, I do shout really loud.

- [Arg] Yeah, you do, yeah.

- But I'm not a two-faced person.

- Bobby's your pal, he's like, one of your friends.

Charlie, I don't quite understand

what happened with you and Charlie, but--

- Nothing.

- [Arg] All right. [laughing]

- That's what happened, nothing.

- I love you to bits, but,

Gemma Collins, you are like a volcano.

You go from, like, zero to a hundred within seconds.

It's not nice to have screaming rows

and calling people every name under the sun.

Sometimes you just need to, you know, relax.

- Thing is James, I don't mean it when I do it.

- Check yourself before you wreck yourself.

Just forget about everyone else,

it's about you and me. - Concentrate on us.

- Exactly, it's about you and me.

I've got a special surprise for ya,

and even though you should-- - I don't think I deserve it.

- No, I don't think you do deserve it,

to be honest with ya,

I think-- - I do, I do.

- I think you should be surprising me, but--

- I'll surprise you with a slap if you carry on.

[Both laughing]

- But at the end of the day, I've done something special.

This'll probably be the best thing

I've ever done for anyone. - Okay.

♪ All over the radio

♪ And back up in the raves again ♪

♪ We got the crowd on the wave

- Well, Lucy's having a birthday party later this week.

You boys are more than welcome to come.

It's prom themed, so you might have to dig out your suits.

- Fancy it? - Yeah, why not?

- Yeah? - Yeah, yeah.

- Right, lovely.

No trouble, though.

No upsetting people. - Listen,

no trouble, 100% listen.

What, is everyone gonna be there?

- Everyone is gonna be there,

so if you kick off, I'll have to kick you out.

You have upset a lot of people haven't ya?

- Mate, do you know what, like--

- Especially Frankie.

You say you slept with someone,

but what I think, from what I heard,

is that, in fact, after, you said,

"I ran her a bath in the morning."

I've got two sisters.

If someone said that about my sisters,

now that's disrespectful. - Yeah.

- Look, I've got a sister, I've got a sister as well.

It's the same thing.

If someone said something about my sister,

I'm gonna want to go and deal with it.

- Yeah, exactly. - As anyone would.

- But I think the thing is,

you've got to deal with it in the right way.

We're not in the playground anymore, right?

- Yeah. - You can't go up to someone

and start cussing, and having a cussing match,

like we're fifteen years of age.

He's a man now, he's not a boy anymore.

- Exactly. - Do you know what I mean?

- You can't get through to his head,

you just don't take the piss out of somebody,

and then ask for an apology.

- I think, for you,

I think you've just got to be a gentleman.

Just actually talk things out with Frankie,

which I'm sure you probably wanna do anyway.

- It's just, excuse your pardon.

I want to put that to bed straight away.

- [Darrell] That's just Essex, you say something,

we had a bit of banter between me and him.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- And then, suddenly, everyone knows about it.

- It's like spiralling towards us.

- [Darrell] Frankie's not a bad girl.

- Yeah, she's a nice girl.

- And it got took to a point,

I think is just very misguided,

do you know what I mean?

- Yeah, boys, I better go.

See you at South End for the birthday.

- Nice to meet you mate. - Take care mate.

- He's actually a right nice guy.

- He's a good boy. - Yeah, he's lovely.

Fancy it? - Yeah.

[upbeat music]

- It was nice seeing your dad, weren't it?

- Yeah I love going to visit him.

The thing is I hate leaving.

Like I love going there and it's all happy,

and we tell him about everything that has been going on,

and then I hate just walking away

and just waving and he just sits there doesn't he.

- Yeah, I know it's horrible.

He just sits there and waves back doesn't he?

- That's the thing, that you go into these prisons

and it's like all sorts of people,

you think about all the mass murderers

and you've got god knows who's in there,

and then you've got Dad,

that really ain't done anything that bad

and he is mixing with like

all of these different kinds of people.

It's got to be scary.

- Imagine living in prison,

just for like say, say for instance

you've got like 10 years,

what are you meant to do in a cell

for 10 years, well boring.

- I couldn't even imagine, like number one

how horrible your bed would be,

number two being banged up like twenty odd hours a day.

- They have well shit channels as well, don't they?

They don't even have ITV2.

[sam laughing]

They don't.

- If I went to prison, like a girls' prison,

you must be able to get make up and eyelashes and fake tan.

- Imagine every morning and you have to wake up

and like put fake tan on.

- No, I wouldn't do it every day.

I'm saying like if I had a visitor.

If you had to come and visit me.

- Right boy I fancy a drama free day

so obviously there's no Gemma on the guest list.

- Yeah thank God.

Did you hear some of the stuff she was saying?

She was like, "You're too little to even talk to."

I was gonna be like, you're too big to even miss.

- Do you know what, she ain't gonna ruin the day.

We're going to South End, I love it there.

I used to spend every single year over there.

- It's nostalgic to you, isn't it?

- This is tradition to me.

This is not a school trip in it, I'm kind of loving it.

So we get on there, we have a little jolly out

sing song on the way.

- Let's start the party early.

- Crack open the-- - Hello.

- Hello, morning. - Good morning.

- Sorry we're late.

- We had to stop off at the offiCe, didn't we.

- You're already ready drinking, are you kidding me?

Shall we go?

- Yeah. - Let's do this.

- [Member] Let's all get on Bobby's bus!

[group cheering]

[soft guitar strumming]

- [Cara] Tom, guess who just text me?

- Who? - Argen.

- What he say?

- Hold this, I'm gonna read it to you.

- "Cara, I was so happy we made up

"and I have said nothing but nice things

"about your brother recently.

"You did say to me I don't make it right

"Tom and Lydia being together.

"You may have a little tiff with Tom,

"but can't you be honest?" - What?

- Do you know what he think he does?

I think he goes to bed at night,

and he has a dream, and in that dream,

when he wakes up in the morning, he believes the dream.

Why would he seriously think that I would side

with him over you and Lydia, it's beyond me.

I was the one that got you and Lydia together?

[Cara grunts]

- I'm realising I nicked his bird, what you mean?

I mean he's just been acting like a complete donut.

[laughing]

[upbeat music]

[group singing]

- Don't you think being part slutty drunk

is the best ever?

- It's tradition.

- Did you go on the rides there?

- I got on the majority of the rides.

The certain upside downy ones I don't do.

- Absolutely bricking it mate.

- It's good, really.

- Yeah I got 10 underwear on today

so I can shit my pants and not worry about it.

- I don't think you have to worry about it

being on the rides. - Why's that?

- Height restrictions.

[upbeat music]

[upbeat music]

- You know with Tom, he's got my back.

He gets me, understands me, I think he cares.

- Right so Tom's pros and cons are?

- He's good looking, he's a lovely boy.

He's intelligent.

- Does he make you smile?

- Don't know?

- You get that like warm fuzzy feeling?

- No, that's what I mean.

- Well then, at the end of the day, be fair,

if that's how you feel, but like,

you've got to tell him babe.

Wait until later, have a drink,

but maybe don't ever drink because

then you'll be like, oh like, if he was?

And he'll be with his eyebrows.

[upbeat carnival music]

- Fuck this.

I don't know why, I'm absolute shit it in it.

I did see a couple screws loose when I was walking up.

- Fuck this, fuck this, fuck this, fuck this.

[group cheering] [upbeat music]

Shit, fuck this, oh fuck this.

[upbeat music]

[group clattering]

- All right, I ain't gonna lie.

Girls are at the candy shop.

They're not turning you on?

[laughing]

- I've been looking after Danni today.

She's been a little bit vulnerable.

- Charlie may be on the love boat.

[group screaming]

- How dare you just bring this up in his face?

- I still love you, bubs.

- All right mate, look at the girls.

Twirling the candy around.

[group cheering]

You again, no candy.

You see this candy, you get none of this.

[laughing]

[upbeat music]

- I have never liked him. - Who, Jamie?

- Yeah.

- I know, he is such a bean ain't he?

I don't wanna get involved with him anymore.

I just completely wanna drop him out,

and then like with all this ag with Mario and Lucy,

but hopefully we will sort that out tonight.

They're going to come round,

we're having a take away and they are coming

round to see us. - Joe.

- Yea?

- Why have you got a watch around your ankle?

[laughing]

- You didn't notice that?

I have been wanting to do this for ages

but I couldn't find a watch to fit my ankle.

I actually went to a shop the other day

and they said we haven't got, watches don't go round ankles.

And I said yeah but I need one around my ankle

and they said was it for a dare?

And I was like no, it's fashion.

They give me an extra large one,

like will fit like a drive or something.

Like cut that one.

- Why would you, who would need a watch that big?

- I don't know, this one's not meant for ankles,

but it looks corny, doesn't it?

The things can't tell time anyways.

I wear too watches, can't even tell the time.

- So you still can't tell the time.

It's so easy, the little's hand is on the one,

and the big hand's on the six, what would that be?

[mouth fluttering]

- Quarter past.

[laughing]

You looked on my tag.

- You've been spending too much time in prisons.

- It's all another on.

It's disgusting, it's bogus and all that shit.

- It's Sam though, is she all right?

- She's all right, yeah.

It's all on it, she's seeing her dad in prison.

- Yeah, because you've seen that film

and that man looks in the dark cell for that ages.

It's Alcatraz or something.

It was like the naughtiest prison ever,

and it got closed down because it was so naughty.

- Alcatraz? - Yeah.

- Is that Hitler, in Germany?

[laughing]

- I don't know.

[soft music]

- I feel sick. - Stop stop stop.

Just here mate, thank you mate.

- Interesting day today. - Keep your eyes shut.

- [Gemma] All right, they're shut, they're shut.

Am I gonna love this? - Yes.

- [Gemma] Watch my eyelashes, watch my eyelashes.

- All right, I'm not touching your eyelashes.

- [Gemma] Watch my eye lashes.

- All right, take a step forward.

Can't say I don't do anything romantic

or special or thoughtful for anyone, all right.

Duh!

- Oh my God, this is so sweet of you.

- Kenneth Moore theatre.

- I know, it brings up so many memories

when I was young, sort of stage stuff.

What we did, still look sharp?

- Yeah it is sharp, but Steven's the manager,

he's opened up especially for you and me.

I pulled a few strings and--

- And?

- And you just have to wait and see, come on.

♪ One, two, three, four

♪ Tell me that you love me more ♪

♪ Sleepless long nights

♪ Stars are made for

♪ Oh teenage hopes arrive at your door ♪

- Oh God, he proper put a line in his mouth, didn't he?

- Hello guys! - Hello!

- [Ricky] We thought for Bobby's birthday,

we will have some Bobby's bubbles.

- [Danni] Aww we saved you some.

- [Mario] Ricky, thanks for much for my sausage.

[group cheering]

- Thank you everyone for coming today,

I have had such a nice afternoon.

- I actually feel like this has been

one of the best days ever.

- [Bobby] This has been the best day in a very long time.

- [Danni] And it hasn't even ended yet

- We've got Bobby's night, gonna go out.

We're gonna let our hair down

and we're going to paint the town crimson.

Gay bar, Basildon, bush.

- Yeah, bush. - Not literally.

- I was gonna say No bush, no bush.

- I was gonna say no bush yeah, for one night.

- you mean bosh! - Bosh!

It's bish, bash, bosh.

- Bush!

- Bob, I'm really sorry, but me and Mario

can't make it tonight.

- Are you faking with me?

- I'm really sorry, we've had a lovely day

but we've got to get back to the dogs.

They've been out all day. - I'll let you off.

- I'm sorry, it's really lovely.

[group cheering]

- Happy birthday, cheers.

[group cheering]

- Don't you think it is crazy

how we have both performed here,

but we never crossed paths.

Are you ready?

- For what? - Curtains.

[piano playing]

- [Gemma] Oh my god, oh my god.

- Steven's gonna-- - James.

- Steven's gonna give us a singing lesson.

- Oh my god, the last time I had a singing lesson

with you I was about fifteen.

Let's go. - Come on then.

- Oh my god James, I am going to sing so

much better than you, you jealous?

- You've got no chance. - Oh, shut up.

- That's why you was always at the back

and I was always at the front.

- Oh shut up James.

Haven't seen you for ages.

- I know, how are you?

How are you, you all right? - Good, how are you?

- I'm all right.

Shall we start?

Do you know the alphabet? - Yeah.

- You sure? - Yes.

- Both of you know the alphabet?

- No. - Ok, we will do it slowly.

- Shut up Gem.

- All you have to do is, it goes.

A-B-C-D-E-F-G-H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O-P- Q-R-S-T-U-V-W.

- I don't wanna do that, that's embarrassing.

- W-X-Y-Z.

Just do it Gemma, he wanted a singing lesson.

This is what you are doing.

- You do that bit then.

- All right, we will do it slowly,

but really over enunciate, we'll do it really slowly.

- Really over enunciate?

- Yeah, over, really over enunciate, big.

- Ok cool. - Nice, attractive.

A, two three, A.

♪ A-B-C-D-E-F-G

♪ H-I ♪ H-I.

- Sorry, ok, ok.

♪ A-B-C-D-E-F-G-H-I-J-K-L-M-N-W ♪

- Where does W come after P?

- I'm sorry.

- What alphabet did you learn at school?

Ok, really over enunciate.

♪ A-B-C-D-E-F

- Ok, ready, one, two, three.

♪ A-B-C-D-E-F-G-H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O ♪

- W, oh, W, fuck. - PQRSTUVWXYZ.

- Ok, well done Gem.

- I keep saying W, why do I do that?

- Because you're a wanker.

- You can't call me that in a singing lesson.

[upbeat music]

- What about that, Diego, go down.

- And we're up.

36 pound down.

[laughing]

- This is so boring mate, do you actually do this everyday?

- Along these lines though, yeah.

I was an investment dealer,

so you basically get rich people;

say like who do we know who is really rich?

- Mario Falcone.

- No, like proper rich, like Mick.

Micky Norcross, right, he'd come to the bank,

give his money, some of his money to the bank

and me and the guys in investment will look after it.

- But, you have lost his loads of money?

- No mate, you have lost him loads of money all right,

so you be getting, you'll be getting the boot.

- You're the trader, I am not licenced to do this,

why you let me do it?

- Don't, it's early days yet we sit back,

put our feet up and then just watch the money come in.

- But it's not coming in, you're losing it.

So what's going on with the Goodge?

Obviously you haven't made it official,

you've been seeing each other for quite a while now

and I think maybe pop the question?

- I know, she's always like, I think,

I don't know I think she finds it weird that

she hasn't dated in so long has she?

- Have you shagged her yet?

- You know she don't like us talking about that?

- Have you shagged her yet? - Diags, what do you reckon?

- Have you? - Yes.

- If she finds out you've have been telling people

that you have been having sex with her

then she's going to be proper annoyed about that.

- Well, a gentleman don't kiss and tell does he?

- You just told me.

- [Tom] I'm not gonna go into it am I?

- So you have had a bed with her?

- I know what you're like mate.

If I start telling you shit, you're just gonna go

and start blurting it around.

And plus she don't want me talking about it.

- If I get pissed, yes I will.

Or else I don't get drunk or anything.

If I get drunk I will tell everyone.

But?

- And there's a quite high likely

that you're gonna get pissed.

- I might be drunk later on today.

Yeah I'll probably tell her later then.

- [Tom] You're gonna tell her what?

- That you've been telling people.

- I hardly talk about it anyway mate.

Have you got your thingy back yet?

Your STD check?

- I'm actually all clear.

I'm actually quite short. - Really?

- I swear to god I got no diseases on my cock.

- Even if you was, no disease on your cock,

what about inside it?

[laughing]

- Nah I got nothing, I got not a thing, all clear.

My [mumbles] says it's all clear.

- I got a feeling even if you did,

you wouldn't tell me anyway.

[laughing]

- You always tell me when you have chlamydia.

[laughing]

[soft music]

- All of us heard bits of it,

and we were a bit confused and we're obviously

worried about you and Charlie and what she's saying

because we don't want you hurt.

- What it is, she's adamant that I'm a gay man.

I think she thinks that I'm some,

closeted individual. - Why would she do that?

- I don't know.

- I just can't get in my head why she acted like that.

- What has fucked this girl off,

and I know exactly what it is because

she's come to me saying, "I'm so upset and I'm angry.

"You've gone to Lydia and confided in her about you feel

"then coming to me."

- So do you reckon there's nothing you ever said

or maybe insinuated that's made her think

that there is something going on

between you and me, Bob?

- I can categorically tell you,

I can tell you, I can tell everyone on this beach,

I have never ever told Gemma

nothing regarding Charlie.

- [Lucy] Nothing that can be taken the wrong way.

- No there's nothing, why would I?

You just don't do that.

- I would say, if you did that, you'd be

rubbing her face in it?

- Exactly, that's why I spoke to Lydia

and because I'm better friends with Lydia

than I am with her, and she can't stand that.

- She seems so adamant that it did

put an element of doubt in my hand

and that's the sad thing about it, it did.

- That you've got that element of doubt

that tells me that actually we're so far

from getting our friendship back, it's unbelievable.

If you're gonna take that bitter,

twisted, bitch of a lex's word over mine, go for it babe.

- I thought, We'll do 'Somewhere' from West Side Story

- Yeah, ok. - Do you know it?

- Yeah.

- And you know what all the story's about,

and about the love between Maria and Tony and all that.

I thought it would be quite appropriate today,

don't you think?

No, Gemma's face when she was here when she was thirteen,

do you remember what it was?

- No.

- I've got glitter on my face, I've got glitter on my tits,

and I'm ready, all the time, didn't you?

- Yeah, I did. - She ain't changed has she?

- See, see, and are you ready?

- Yeah.

- There you go, come on let's do it, shh, do it.

♪ There's a place for us

♪ Somewhere a place for us

♪ Peace and quiet and all

- Relax, relax. ♪ Wait for us, somewhere

♪ There's a time for us

♪ Some day a time for us

♪ Time together, with time to spare ♪

♪ Time to love, time to care

♪ Some day, somewhere

- Shall we do it once more? - At least we tried.

♪ So if you want me

♪ You better come and find me

- I really can't bothered to do this.

I'm tired after today and like,

if there's anyway I'm gonna get an apology,

we're gonna get an apology,

and it's all gonna be sorted out,

and I guess we're gotta do it.

- What can Sam do about apologise?

- I'd hope she'd ask. - So do I, baby, let's go.

There's no way was going to let you come on your own, baby.

Ready? - Yep.

[door knocking]

- Hiya. - Hi.

- Thanks for coming guys, do you mind coming in?

- Yep. - Cool.

- All right, Joe?

- Alright, Luce, you alright?

- Do you's mind if I just speak to Lucy on my own for a bit?

- Yeah come on, yeah that's fine.

- Thanks guys.

You ok? - Yeah, are you?

- Good, I just, do you mind if I speak before anything,

like basically I just want you just to understand

and appreciate the fact that what has happened here,

I haven't just made up, I haven't completely just made it up

off the top off my head like,

I didn't text that girl, I rang her.

And I rang her because I just wanted it to be

over and done with, and I didn't want to see you hurt.

[soft music]

- It's all stupid. - Pathetic isn't it?

- We've all fallen out over fuck all.

- What?

- We've all fallen out over fuck all.

- Fucking stupid.

- It wasn't that I ever thought that you made it up Sam,

because I know you wouldn't do that to me.

It's the fact that you told people before finding the proof,

that's what's hurt, and it's made everyone think

that I'm little naive Lucy sitting at home

while Mario is out cheating,

and you know that is what people think of me.

And it's not true, because he hasn't cheated on me.

♪ This place about to blow

♪ Blow

♪ This place about to blow

- Hey guys! - Hello, here they are!

- I feel like everyone is undressing me with their eyes.

- I know.

- I was wondering if they have like a funny handshake

to let you know if you're interested like,

[laughing]

Like you know?

- I think they would just slap your arse,

that lets you know if you're interested, yeah.

I thought when we were walking in,

I ordered a white wine spritzer.

Then they're gonna think oh hello, on the market,

so I thought no gonna stay away,

gonna order a nice manly pint.

- I'm gonna talk about cars, I'm gonna talk about hunting,

women action men.

♪ Keep me running

♪ Because it feels so good.

- He's a nice guy and everything,

but I am just not feeling it at the minute.

I feel that I don't want him to like think

that it's gonna progress into anything more.

- Do you need someone who can be like,

what do they call it the alpha male?

Someone who's, someone who's dominant, yeah, but you do.

Because you're you.

Your ex relationship was very controlling.

You're used to someone saying do this, do that.

- Yeah. - Yo gang.

- Hi. - Hello.

- Yeah, budge up girls. - I'm budging, I'm budging.

- Oh my God, just been on the magest date ever.

- [Girls] Where?

- I took Gemma to the Kenmore theatre.

- The what?

- That's when I was little.

- You're joking.

We're all been destined to meet in our lives.

- That's Ilford.

- Where's Tom and Diags, are they coming down?

- [Lucy] They're are coming later.

- Dan, you're not on the market, down.

- Hello. - Not on stage.

[laughing]

- Are you coming Dan? - Down.

- Are they coming down?

- [Women] Coming down.

- Is Tom and Diags coming down?

[laughing]

- Me and you have fallen out for the last two months.

- Over nothing. - Over nothing.

You know what I mean, it's so stupid.

I mean, we've been to Lapland together and everything.

It's stupid, it's stupid.

- It's so stupid mate, it's ridiculous

- Hopefully, it'll get it sorted.

- I don't want to carry on arguing with you and Mario.

I don't dislike Mario, I didn't just do it

because I was just being nasty and bitchy

and didn't want you and Mario together.

That wasn't the whole point of it,

that wasn't my intention at all, and that's all.

- Ok.

- Mate, it's women. - It's girls, isn't it?

- Men are straight up.

- I've got my birthday in a couple of days.

I don't know if you remembered.

- I know, twenty one.

- The big 2-1, I am the last one.

- [Sam] The youngest out of everyone.

- I know, so I would like it if you and Joey to come.

- Yeah.

- [Sam] Because it wouldn't be right.

- We'd love to come, do you know what my theme is?

- No, what is it? - My theme's prom.

- [Sam] Is it?

- Like big dresses and stuff.

This is what was on my mind as well,

because I thought it's going to be really weird

without Sam there because--

- Because we had prom together.

- Because we went to Prom together,

so I was like it is going to be really odd

if we don't make up and stuff.

It's just going to be weird.

Look at them Sam, we're fine. - You all right now?

- You can come in. - Yeah?

- What, have you made up? - [Girls] Yeah.

- So this means you can come to my party now, Joey.

- Yeah, I'm coming.

- [Joey] Yeah I was coming anyway.

- Well we'll leave you too alone.

- Okay. - All right then.

- Enjoy your romantic night. - Sweet.

- See you at the party. - All right.

- See you later. - Bye Joey.

- Nice to see you Luce. - See you.

- Bye Joey. - See you at the party.

- See you at the party. - See you at my birthday.

- See you later, bye. - Bye bye.

- Thank God that's all over.

♪ Don't need no superman

♪ Trying to tell me who I am

- Us two, together, you know what I mean?

Just both of us, like we're a couple,

because tonight, because Jess and Lydia were together.

- Whoa, if anything, they might think

they're a couple of lesbians, and we're gay.

So if we wanna stay away from that,

maybe we should just go along with it.

- Rick, I'm not scared to hold your hand for a night.

I'll do it.

[laughing]

- What's candle? - Getting jealous.

- Tell you what though, I'll definitely

gonna need another drink. - Yeah, really do.

- You alright lads? - Hello, how you doing?

- Yeah not bad.

So what brings you here tonight then?

- Just our mate's birthday, ain't it, Bobby's birthday.

- So we thought we would give it something new,

try it all out.

- It's all right. So do I get to buy you a drink?

- [Rick] He didn't even get your name.

- Yeah, didn't even get my name.

- [Ricky] What is this?

- Hi, I am David

- Nice to meet you, David.

This is Rick. - Hi Rick.

- Hello mate, nice to meet you mate, what's going on?

- And Chris. - Chris.

- Yeah, we were just talking about

football and hunting and women.

- Can I buy you a drink?

- As interesting as that sounds,

I am with Rick tonight.

He's my partner in crime.

- Oh, like that is it? - Yeah.

- Is that a knock back?

- That's a knock back, sorry mate.

I am seeing someone at the minute.

- What's his name? - Oh, it's a bird.

[Ricky and Little Chris laughs]

- Oh, well it's worth a try though, isn't it.

- Nice meeting you David. - Have a good time.

- Cheers mate, see you later. - See ya later, mate.

- Awkward mate, why is it always me?

I always get hit on. - You've got that look.

- What? - Baby blue.

- [Chris] I shouldn't of worn this, should I?

- With your Elvis quiff. - I just wanted to blend in.

- Maybe.

- Maybe I blended in too much.

♪ When I'm with you

- Sitting there the other night

at Jessica's showcase and I was looking round

and I just felt that, you know, you should of been there.

And you know, we have both been a part of, you know,

the Wright family for so many years

and to look around and you not being there, it just--

- Yeah I know.

- It just, it just really upsets me.

I just think the whole situation is just so sad.

- The last few months I have just been like,

I feel like I don't know them anymore

and I feel like really uncomfortable and I hate it.

And it's like Carol and stuff,

she was like a mum to me and to hear again

that she's saying things about me and attacked me again,

it really broke my heart and upset me,

I was in absolute bits.

I feel that they hate me and that--

- But they don't.

- But I feel and I feel like I'm constantly

defending myself, I'm saying things I don't wanna say.

- Some of the stuff that I've heard you say

about Jess recently and stuff like,

it hasn't been nice to hear.

- I can't win, I'm in a no win situation.

- I know that Laura but at the same time,

I think you've definitely give as good as what you got.

- Because I have to defend myself.

I tell you how I feel around you,

do you really think I want this battle to go on?

I want to wake up and go, right, how are you, how you been?

Good, lovely to see you.

- All I want is for you to come with me,

to go and see Carol and Jess and not to--

- Arg, I admit, I would be absolutely terrified.

- And that's why I really want to make this happen.

It's just, the whole thing is terrible, you know.

- Well, I have got so much to sort out in my life

- Hey! - You all right?

- Tom, good, to see you mate - What's going on man?

- You all right? - You all right?

- What have you's been up to?

- Nothing we're just, you know, having a bit of reminiscing.

- Sounds brilliant. - You all right?

- Yeah are you? - Yeah I'm good.

[upbeat music]

- Right so the real question is, Charlie,

I'll ask you first and then I'll ask both these two.

Have you ever got with a bloke?

- What as in kiss? - Yeah.

- No never. - So you, no.

Danni, you ever kiss a girl mate?

No, that's not a question, so you never kissed a girl.

- Never ever ever.

- Jess, oh my God.

There's something behind those eyes, I can tell

that tells me different. - Jess!

What about you, Chris?

- 100% straight mate.

- I ain't asking if you straight.

Have you kissed a boy or not?

- No.

- What about if we try it now?

- [Jess] Charlie.

- Don't be a spoiled sport.

- I'm not being a spoiled sport.

- One free on the lips, come on.

- No.

- See he's not secure in his sexuality.

Come on Diags, is it me, is it?

♪ I've been looking for you.

- Oh my god, look at that,

Bobby's getting my sloppy seconds.

- [Danni] Oi, don't say that.

- What?

- I think they're really good together.

- They are, but I'm just saying he come to me first.

Anyway let's go and do a bit of a slut drop

on the dance floor and see what interests I pick up.

- See ya in a minute. - See ya.

- See ya later. - Bye.

- My god, look at that.

♪ I've been looking for you

It's all that body language Dan.

- Yea, I guess it is, especially on rollercoasters, eh?

- Well you know, it's a way

of getting close to someone, innit?

- Hold on for dear life. - Well, you know.

♪ I'm looking for the perfect guy ♪

[upbeat music]

- You look like you're ready to cry, babe.

- I know, I feel-- - Is it that bad?

Are you all right, I'll cheer you up.

Do you wanna go for a drink or something?

- I think that obviously after having that chat

with Arg and stuff, it's just, I dunno,

it just brought back loads of stuff and whatever.

- [Tom] What do you mean?

- It's been really difficult for me.

It's like I think that you are a great guy and stuff

and like you understand me and you get me,

and I really respect you for that.

And you don't just judge me like a lot of people do.

And you've got to know you as a person,

but at this moment in time I feel like

I need to be single and I need to move on by myself.

And I still want to be friends and stuff,

but I just want you to know

that at the minute I'm moving on.

- Yea course, that fine, babe.

- by myself.

- It's totally fine, so we're just

gonna be friends yea?

See, I did always think that to be fair,

the way you acted.

- I sense that, because I feel like

you're nervous around me because--

- I'm not nervous around you.

I feel like that you're nervous

to let anyone see that we're together and stuff like that

and I started seeing my ex again a little bit,

once or twice, but like nothing,

obviously nothing happened

but I went for dinner with her and stuff.

- Yeah.

- But I did feel like you, when we were

sort of seeing each other, like when you always said like

you always used to play it down

and say to people that we hadn't slept together

and things like that, and I just,

I just thought, why's she denying it sort of thing?

I don't see why it should be a problem

if we'd been seeing each other.

- Ok, right ok, ok, listen,

I really really ain't going into a conversation,

that I don't need to.

If we have, we haven't, that's really irrelevant

in front of our friends, like I'm not gonna stand here--

- I wouldn't tell it in front of our friends.

- I'm not going to stand here and embarrass you.

- I'm just saying, I just think it's a bit weird.

- At the end of the day, no,

I think it's weird that you stand and say that to me

in front of people and also--

- Well, I think it's weird that you keep telling people

some that like, just lying about us.

- I'm not lying.

- We would go out on a night out

or something like that and you'd just be like--

- This is my life, I'm an adult.

Now if you have no respect for that,

look, I don't need to stand, this is not

why I want to talk to you, I am talking to you as a friend

and understand how I feel what I want.

- One sec, one sec, Diags, one sec.

- No, I'm saying how I feel and as a friend.

- I only saw my ex-girlfriend on Thursday night.

- You've just crossed the line and disrespected me.

- Nothing, nothing happened.

- And I won't be spoken to like that for starters,

embarrassing me. - I'm not embarrassing ya.

- Right, and say that you've meet your ex-girlfriend,

ok, that's fine.

- You're embarrassing me, you embarrassing me

when you start say I'm lying and stuff like that.

- Well, I'm not going into it, I'm not going,

I don't need to go into it.

- Well you've already gone into it.

Gone into it now.

- Well, you've gone into it,

I'm not going into it, I'm disappointed.

- I'm disappointed in you - Okay.

- Diags, do you wanna shoot?

See ya later, Lauren, see ya later guys.

[horn blaring]

- [Narrator] Next time on "The Only Way Is Essex."

Will Bobby's sausage get battered?

- Oh God, he proper put a line in his mouth there did he?

- [Narrator] Will Gemma and Arg have a harmonious end

to the series?

♪ Someday, somewhere

- [Narrator] And will the nation's prisons

even get to watch it?

- What you even gonna do in a cell for 10 years?

The bullshit channels, don't even have ITV2.

- [Narrator] Who knows, these people are real

and anything can happen on "The Only Way Is Essex."

[upbeat music]

♪ The only way is up baby

♪ You and me now

♪ The only way is up baby

♪ You and me now

♪ The only way is up baby

♪ You and me now