Original subtitles

[upbeat music]

- [Narrator] This programme contains a night on the lag boat,

a question of trust, and a dramatic confession.

The tans you see might be fake,

but the people are all real,

although some of what they do

has been set up purely for your entertainment.

Previously on "The Only Way Is Essex."

- I think I've got something wrong with me.

- That, or you're pregnant.

- [Lucy] Come on, dog, such a diva!

♪ What a day this has been

♪ What a rare mood I'm in

- I know that I want you.

- I can't trust you.

- See you later, then.

[upbeat pop music]

♪ The only way is up, baby

♪ For you and me now

♪ Somewhere beyond the sea

- I loved it James, I will never forget it.

It's one of them moments when I'm about 90,

I'm on my death bed and I go,

oh do you remember when?

- You know, I wanted you to feel special.

I wanted to do something

that I would never do for anyone else,

and I wanted you to, you know,

properly realise how much, you know, you mean to me.

I didn't really expect your mum

to see the whole lot as well,

do you know what I mean?

It is a bit embarrassing, I'm quite nervous.

- She only saw you naked, James.

You know, its not like you burst into the door

saying, you know, "Joan, I've got your daughter pregnant."

- Oh don't, I'm too young

to start thinking about all that,

and not just that, we've only just sort of,

we've only just started going out with each other.

- Yeah, I know.

The test has come up negative,

but I still haven't had my period yet.

- So why would you, why's that of interest to me?

We can't even look after fish, let alone babies.

- [Gemma] James, yes we can, I can.

- [Arg] No, you can't, you've left the fish

around your mom's house.

♪ Light up, spark the detonator ♪

♪ Now I'm homeward bound

♪ Way to see you later

- I told her how much I loved her.

She accepted it, but she just wanted a little bit of space.

- Jess had the audacity to go into Lucy's shop

and question her trust towards me.

- [Ricky] Yeah.

- When, obviously, she's got her own issue.

- Yeah, she's got issues. - I think, yeah,

but I think that's why, I think, she then confronted me,

because she felt as if she was telling Lucy to confront you,

and then not doing it herself,

and then started thinking, "Fuck, I look like a hypocrite.

"I'm gonna, I need to question him,

"I need to do it," so she did.

- Yeah, I just think, end of day,

you've got your own problems, focus on them.

- You've got really small dogs.

- [Mario] You're compensating.

- No I'm not. - Yeah, you are.

- I've just got a manly dog. - Little man with a big dog.

- No, I've just

got a nice dog. - Big man, little dog.

- Chris, you know it's bad

when your dog's got a bigger dick than you have.

[Mario and Ricky laughing]

- Mate, he's got a big one, Marshall.

Eh, you like that, Bentley? - He's gonna try

to fuck Bentley, leave him alone!

He's too small for you!

[laughing]

[upbeat rock music]

- [Cara] Isn't that, like, designer vagina?

- [Frankie] Oh, it does feel nice and smooth.

- [Cara] Let me feel.

- Smells well nice. - Oh, it smells so nice.

- [Frankie] Feels nice, doesn't it?

You jealous? - Little bit.

- Ahh.

Ahh!

When I was younger, I used to shave my arms,

because I thought I had hairy arms.

- Did you really? - Yeah.

Haven't you ever done that before?

- No, I've never ever, shaved my armpits, maybe,

not my arms. - Ow! [laughing]

I used to, and then they've grown back really, ahh!

They've grown back really hairy.

- Do you need my hand still?

- Your hand's so-- - You done?

- No, oh, Cara.

Looks well better though, doesn't it?

- They've done it nice, to be fair.

- Look at the difference.

Look at this arm, yeah?

Then look at this arm.

- That one looks like a chicken.

- [Frankie] Just like one big freckle.

- [Cara] Bit like Billie.

- Yeah, aw, Billie.

- When she finds out about what Arg's done for Gemma,

she is gonna piss her pants.

- I know, he's got a lot of fun.

I feel sorry for the fish and all, what they had to see.

- Hey, I didn't know boys got cellulite until I saw Arg.

- Put on a bit of weight, and all, didn't he?

- I give her, they're a good little couple.

They bounce off each other. - They do.

- But, she doesn't want it to be every week

that Arg is coming round,

doing things that act to apologise

for the ways he's been behaving.

- You can't, I mean,

bloody hell, next time he'll probably be naked.

Ah!

[upbeat electronic music]

- Everyone cheats, like all the time round here.

Like, I've been cheated on, I admit I've cheated on people.

I'm not going to be with someone

if there's, like, literally an inch of doubt.

- I personally, I don't think Ricky cheated on you.

I don't think so, just for the fact

that every time you were together

you were proper loved up.

Not every boy cheats.

- But like, it's like a relationship,

you have to work at it.

I think all relationships are hard,

whether you're in Essex or not.

I think it's hard, and I think if you've got doubts,

if you trust him and you do love him

and you want a future, it's one of those things

where you've gotta believe in him and not other people.

- Do you know what I mean?

- [Joey] Don't, if you have doubts,

then there's obviously something wrong.

- There is always that saying as well,

innocent until proven guilty.

- Yeah, oh, to top it off as well,

my hair is really getting on my nerves.

You know how like, I was called bald?

Well obviously, I am not going bald.

I've got a small bald patch under here

that's not even bald anymore 'cause it's sort of grown

from where someone pulled it out.

- Yeah, it's annoying. - So I'm gonna get it sorted.

You can get, like, this laser brush to put on it,

like solution, tablets, vitamins.

- It just promotes it,

and makes it grow quicker.

- Was it Lauren that ripped it, wasn't it?

- Yeah, I just wanna put all that behind me.

[gentle soul music]

- Oh, I am so tired.

I just haven't slept for a couple of nights

- Why?

- Just worrying about them fish.

How are you gonna look after them, Gemma?

How are you gonna give the time to devote to them fish?

- They're fish, they've got a one brain second span,

so they forget every second.

- Well that doesn't mean to say that you can kill them.

You've got to look after them.

- It's not a baby, mom, they're fish.

James brought them for me, mom.

- Well you should both do it together.

- Nah, I have just bought them, I've got nothing,

I'm not having no responsibility for them,

I've just given them to her as a present.

- See, and we've just got rid of our pond, Gemma,

and I don't really wanna take on any more fish.

- They're kissing fish as well,

they always kiss each other and stuff.

- I haven't seen them kiss yet.

- I think I might need to apologise

about what you had to see the other night.

I mean, I don't think anyone

should've had to have seen that. [laughing]

- Oh, that's all right, James, I'm used to it.

Nothing ever shocks me in life.

- You're used to it?

What, you've had that done to you before? [laughing]

- Well, no, but nothing ever shocks me.

- You weren't impressed with what you saw?

- [Joan] No, not really.

[Joan and Arg laughing]

[upbeat pop music]

- [Lucy] I'm actually gonna go and see her later.

- Are you?

- Yeah, I think the whole thing,

Lyd's just gone on for so long,

and like, it was one of them rows,

and we were both just throwing stuff at each other,

like trying to protect ourselves, do you know what I mean?

And like, I just can't be bothered with it now.

I like Sam.

I don't wanna have a row with her,

so I'm just gonna go and try and sort it all out.

- [Bobby] Hello, girls.

- There he is,

queen of hearts. - Hi Bob, how are you?

- Yeah, good, thanks.

I'm not interrupting, am I?

- No, no, but I've actually gotta go, Bob.

So it was lovely to see you.

- Oh, and you, honey.

- I've just gotta pop to my shop quickly.

- Right, good luck.

- See you later! - Nice to see ya, hon.

- Speak to you later Lyd.

- Bye, Luce. - Bye, Bob.

- [Lydia] How are you, Bob?

- Really good, you, hon?

- I'm good.

What are you up to tonight?

- [Bobby] Nothing tonight, quiet one I think.

- Really?

- All the Olympics innit, taking over,

there's no soaps on telly. - No,

there's nothing going on.

Well, I was gonna say,

do you fancy coming round later?

- Love to.

- And Charlie, bring Charlie along, yeah?

And we'll have a little girly night in, want it?

- Bobby's night, love it.

- Wicked, mwah. - Perfect.

- I'll see you later.

[upbeat electronic music]

- Keeping your eyebrows under control today?

[both laughing]

- What are you talking about?

- Your eyebrows, they're just

like that the whole time, they get, they get--

- It's because I've got big eyes, they look like that.

- No, every time you start to speak,

they just get higher and higher and higher,

[laughing] until they just merge into your hair.

- Well, they're not now, now I'm just talking normally.

- Still a bit raised. [laughing]

- They're not raised. - Come down,

come bring them down to normal level.

Bring them down to like, sea level.

Wow, that's, now you're going...

[both laughing]

You just look angry.

- How's the exercise bike going anyway, you chubby fucker?

[both laughing]

You don't look like you've lost any weight at all.

You look like you've put on, like, half a stone

since last time I seen you,

and I saw you about an hour ago.

- Not half a stone, fucking hell, half a,

[both laughing]

to be fair, I've got my exercise bike,

but you get all your exercise from LG now, don't you?

[both laughing]

- No, what do you mean?

- "No, what do you mean?"

From banging the Goodge.

- No, she ain't the sort of girl

that would just sleep with you on the first date.

Enough about me, mate.

The sort of girls you've been banging,

you need to go and get tested.

- Yeah, I know.

[both laughing]

- You could offer to go.

- No, no, no, it's not a difficult choice to make,

it's safer to go and checked than not.

And say I'm gonna start seeing someone properly.

Then I'd want-- - You started to see

this girl proper, now, are you?

- Yeah, I wanna get checked, like for sure.

- Do you want me to come with you?

- Obviously, I don't wanna go on my own.

- Oh, so you're gonna go get like,

proper blood testing done?

- No. [Tom P laughing]

You have to get a blood test?

- Yeah, well, if you get the full works done,

you get a blood test done.

They put a needle in your arm.

You're shit scared of needles, aren't you?

- Aw, fuck that, mate. [laughing]

I'll leave that one out.

- Or you can just do the one

where they stick the cotton ball up your [whistles]

and you go, [whistling]

- Hey, what's it called? - I'm gonna use him

as a stool, mate, here we go.

- Eh, fuck off.

[Mario groaning]

It's a three grand stool, then.

- Ain't it your birthday soon, Chaz?

- It is, mate, big 2-7.

- Any plans? - 2- 7, oh man.

You're getting old, ain't ya? - He's getting old.

- I kind of just want a good lad's night out.

I want to get smashed, plenty of birds,

get a kebab, because come on, I've never had a kebab.

- He's never had a kebab?

- I haven't had a lot of things, if I'm honest with you.

Never really got totally smashed.

- Have you even had a hangover before?

- [Charlie] Nah.

[all laughing]

- Nah. - Nah! [laughing]

- Maybe a bit of a headache,

but I've never had that proper thing where, you know,

you get that urge for greasy food

or whatever it is people say,

I've never had that.

- Well you need it, mate, trust me.

It's the best feeling,

once you get that chip, bean, sausage, egg,

all over your face, mate.

- [Charlie] Yeah.

- Trust me. - Bean juice.

- That's the one time, that's the one time as well,

your whole life you do not give a shit about birds.

The fittest bird could walk past you when you're hungover,

you'll be like, huh?

[all laughing]

- [Ricky] Yeah, you just don't care.

- Have you ever been to strippers?

- Never been to a strip joint in my life.

- [Tom] You've never been to a strip club ever?

- [Ricky] No problem.

- Rick's been to one. [all laughing]

- I have never experienced oral sex.

- Really not? - Nah.

- Wow.

- Well I can't help you with that.

[all laughing]

- Behave! [Mario laughing]

I've just worked for like, the last five, six years,

seven days a week, 12 hour days.

That's what the catering game does to you.

I just went into my own little cocoon, and I never came out.

But now, obviously, I hang around you boys,

it's time to- - - It's time to come out.

- Yeah, everything before I'm 30.

- The things we'll do to you tonight,

you're not allowed to do when you're 30.

- [Ricky] The things we're gonna do? [laughing]

- Things that have done to you.

- Mario! [all laughing]

Things we're gonna do

to you tonight! - We're all good friends!

- I think, ah, here he comes, here he comes,

what the- - - Get that thing off my couch!

- He's climbing, he's climbing.

- No, Tom! [laughing]

Tom, no, Tom, no, get him off.

- Get off! - Tom, all right.

- I'm giving you the bill. - No, no, take this one.

- I'm giving you the bill. - Take this one,

take this one. - He's framing me!

Get him off! [laughing]

- So which one goes up, this one, or that one?

- This one starts flying up,

like you get a string, and you--

- Here he is.

- Hey bro cats. - Sitting down?

[all hissing]

- [Tom P] Oh, I got you a milkshake.

Where you been anyway?

You're late.

- I was over at Sam's house.

She's talking with Billie and Jess tonight,

because Jess has got a few doubts about Ricky or something.

I don't even know the full thing.

I'm a bit confused by it myself.

I really don't think Ricky would cheat.

I don't think he's like that, personally.

He wouldn't do that, man.

He likes her.

I'm going to Diag to getting his dick checked.

You going to come?

- What, you doing the pisser umbrella?

Hold the piss, are you doing that one, seriously?

- I've told him it's like well bad, isn't it?

- It's not that bad, is it?

You haven't had that done?

Better to be safe than sorry.

- I reckon you'll be alright anyway.

Hopefully, touch wood.

[upbeat music]

- I can't believe you said to her I'm a pain

in the ass though.

- You are a pain in the ass.

- No I'm not!

- I'd be lying if I didn't say you wasn't a pain in the ass.

- Why am I a pain in the ass?

- Because you are a pain in the ass.

- I'm actually an angel, and do you know what?

You wouldn't have me any other way, would you?

- No I would.

- Haven't seen you for a months.

Last I seen you was in Marbella.

- It's because I've been all loved up, ain't I?

- Everyone's kind of moving on, aren't they?

- Everyone's moving on, everyone's getting on with things.

- Is that a new chapter of everyone's life?

If thirty days is somewhat of a relationship,

just go out on a few dates.

- Everyone's happy for you Lauren, do you know what I mean?

Everyone's happy for you,

and everyone wants you to be with someone, you know?

- And he's a nice boy.

- Exactly, he's a nice boy.

So good for you.

- Seeing him later.

- Oh are you?

- Come and join us if you want.

- No, that's alright.

- Say goodbye.

- I've seen enough of you today.

No, I'm going to go see Gemma later.

- Nice, alright.

- The reason why she was crying so much, so emotional,

is because she potentially might have been pregnant.

- Shut up.

Are you joking?

- I know, tell me about it.

But the thing is she said that,

you know, she's done a test now Lauren.

She's not going to be pregnant, is she?

- Doesn't always mean, because they're always right.

You should do another one I think, just to be sure.

- Yeah, but Lauren what would I do, seriously?

If she was pregnant, what would I do?

- Well, I was in the situation a long time ago.

Obviously with Mark, and I had a termination.

And that's because at that time, I wasn't an adult myself.

I wasn't, I couldn't look after a baby.

So it's such a serious thing,

and I think that you really need to think about it.

- Bloody hell, I'm getting nervous now.

I mean, obviously, I love Gemma to bits, you know?

I don't know.

- [Sam] Just getting ready to go out.

- It will only take 10 minutes, is that alright?

- Yeah, do you want a cup of tea?

- No, no I'm fine

So I'm guessing you know why I have come round to see you.

Just obviously the argument at the party,

at the engagement party think, I think we all had a bit

to drink, was all a bit tired, well I was anyway,

and it all just escalated

into something it didn't need to be,

but I think it's the fact that you brought up something

that I confided in you like a few months before.

I think that's what, that's what kicked it off,

that's what upset me.

- Yeah, but that's something you have told me,

and I took it in and didn't tell a soul,

next time you say something like

that you should just deal with it with Mario,

and not get other people involved,

because then I think I am being a friend,

and then the next minute I'm the enemy.

- It wasn't, I didn't want,

it not about getting someone involved, Sam.

You are a friend and I'm in the toilets talking

to you about it.

And you knew I was engaged,

and I didn't get a message or a call,

and I don't know if that because

of what you said to the girls,

but you didn't ring me or nothing

so I just thought it's a bit weird.

- I know, I knew you and Mario are good together,

but at the same time there is so many rumours

about everyone in Essex and it is so annoying.

I just think from now onwards this whole thing has happened

in the past with the argument,

and I think we should just agree to disagree,

because we're not really gonna agree with it all,

but I do want to move forward.

- But it's not, no, but it's not agree to disagree,

because I don't believe the rumours about you and Joey,

and do you believe the rumours about us,

because I don't think you do deep down.

- Well I don't think like, you know what you done ages ago,

and you've moved forward from that,

and I don't believe you have done anything

to be un-loyal and dis-faithful to Mario,

but at the same time I do think

before you got engaged Mario wasn't

being the best boyfriend he could be.

- What are these rumours that you are referring to?

- Just about like Mario with someone in Essex,

who I don't even know personally

as a friend and that was that,

and it was before you got engaged

and it was before Marbella.

- Who?

- If it was more recent, I don't know.

I don't know who it is.

- So someone has come up to you

and said that Mario has slept with someone from Essex?

- Yeah

- Okay

- But this is before.

- I don't, I don't believe it anyways.

- Exactly, so that's why I am saying we should

it should just be left because there is no point

in me saying it when you two,

you're not gonna believe me and you trust Mario now.

Well I want you to know that I am happy

that you are engaged and you are my friend,

and I don't want us to fall out anymore over it.

Okay?

- Okay.

Oh you know I'm not a hugger Sam. [Lucy laughs]

- Oh hello.

- You alright chicks?

- Hi Gem, you all right? - Yeah, all good.

- How are ya?

- Yeah, good, bit more up beat this week.

- Oh really?

- Well a lot more upbeat, yeah.

But what are you two up to today?

- Getting a new bum.

- I thought you had it done

- No, what happened was I thought I would try

the subtle route first,

but it was so subtle because I didn't have a lot of fat

to do it with.

- Well do you want some of mine?

- Yeah, you can't use other peoples, I asked.

Yeah, you can't, you body rejects it somehow.

- So what is it just like,

because I think you've got a lovely bum.

- No, but Gem, I haven't got a bum,

that's the point and I want one.

But he only problem is that you can have the incision from

you know when like, I bet you've got it,

on nice bums, you know under the cheek you have the line.

- Yes.

- Right, you can go there but I ain't got that line,

because I ain't got an arse, so they've got to go

in the crack.

- How you meant to go to the toilet?

- I know, I'll have to squat.

- You're not gonna wanna to go

for a number two.

- Well I've got to go in two weeks.

I can't not go.

I can, I can go for a week without going.

- Yeah, but when that urge comes you going to be like-

- You'll just have to hover.

- That you two are really freaking me out now.

The line might not be really where the poo comes out.

- To me I think you're absolutely lovely.

Like, I wouldn't change a thing about you,

and you know I'm like, I'm not massively

into the surgery thing.

I've not had it done, you know?

Sometimes I think "Oh, if I could change that, change that,

"then you would.

- But you never do it?

- No, I'm just too scared.

I think what if some bad infection after and die.

I'll sit there thinking was it all worth it?

- Well you won't because you'll be dead.

[all laugh]

- The old carrot diet is kicking in then.

- Aww thank you, but I'll be honest I've knocked the carrots

on the head now, now I am just doing an egg diet,

because I am boiling up about 7 eggs a day.

I eating them.

- You know eggs can bind you up though, don't you?

- What do you mean?

- Constipate you.

- Oh no.

- You need to try and get a balanced diet.

Too much mate.

- I'm going round Lyd's for a little bit

of a girly night, gonna have take away, bottle of wine.

I was gonna invite you.

- Oh man.

Mario is organising a night out for us.

- So when, when was all this arranged.

You ain't told me nothing.

- Well it is something I just wanna do,

like the boys wanna organise it,

and they've kind of taken control,

and they'll like show you a good night out.

- Oh right.

Just seems to be like your trying

to be a bit like a boy now, and I kinda think why.

Like, I don't get it?

- What?

- Now you're just clearly goin' out

with the boys and like fuck Bob.

- Are you being, are you being for real?

- Yeah, I am.

Because I kinda feel I knew nothing

about this, like you're going out.

- That ain't the case at all.

Literally, I've just come from their flat,

and they said what do you want to do,

and I'm like I just have lad's night.

Hence I'm bumping into you,

you're more than welcome to come.

You don't even need an invitation.

You're my best pal.

Like we wouldn't-

- Well it just seems like this has all been arranged,

and I'm finding out like now.

- I have just asked you what you are doing tonight,

thinking you'll probably be around, like you usually are,

and we'll go out for a lads night.

Don't get an attitude with me Bobs.

- So all the boys just happened

to be sitting round Mario's then today.

- They've been walking their dogs,

and I popped round there to see,

you know chill out with them.

I'm trying to make friends.

This is what I'm trying to do.

They have invited me out.

It's natural that I would want you to come as well.

You are my pal.

- All I'm saying is while you've all been sitting

around discussing it you could of properly text me

when you had arranged it,

but I don't wanna fall out with you over it.

- No, but I don't like this sensitive side to you.

It's ridiculous, it's stupid.

- Do you know what, you fucking crack on.

You go and be a boy for the night,

and I'll fucking see you around.

- Are you being for real? - Piss off.

- So when you gonna update your Facebook status?

- To what?

- Just update it to something like it's complicated

or something like that.

This isn't complicated, is it?

- Not really.

I feel like comfortable around you.

The more I'm seeing you the more I'm getting used to you.

- But before you went on a date with me was it a long time

since you last relationship?

- Yeah, because I've never really seen another boy.

- Never?

- No. - Really?

It's weird, isn't it?

It's a big step.

- Here they are, look, proper geezers.

- Oh, my god.

- What's happening? - What's happening boys?

- What's happening geezers? - What's up geezer?

- We're drinking beers are we, because we're geezers.

- First of all, how was the cinema?

Where is the pop?

- Sick date.

- Sick dates, man!

- I'm the king of dates what can I say?

- So what, you reckon you two will get married or what?

- [Tom P] The fuck you talking about?

- [Diags] When you moving in with each other?

- [Joey] We're Tom's best mates.

We want to find out what's going on, alright?

- Is Tom a good kisser?

- He's alright.

[boys groan]

- Is he good in bed?

- Shut up, Diags!

- Oh, just tell me.

Have you two done it with each other in bed?

- No.

- You mean to tell me not even a little...

[whistle]

- [Diags] Just want to know if you've had sex.

- [Joey] Basically, just want to know

if you've had sex or not. - Not yet.

- Really, these two? - Why are you asking this?

- I think he's too scared. - It's romantic.

I putting on y'all so you both

in a very awkward situation so you both look

at each other and tell each other the truth.

♪ Send my wishes on

- Jess, Ricky's here.

You alright?

- Yeah, you alright? - Will you be alright?

- Yeah. - Alright, see you later.

- Bye

- You okay. - Yeah, yeah.

- Yeah, I'm all right.

I'm going out with the boys in a bit but I wanted to,

oh don't give me that face.

- I don't care, I'm joking.

I'm going out with the girls anyway.

- No, but I just wanted to come around before,

see if you was alright.

Talk to you really.

- So you are making it up to me

by going out with you mates?

- No, I am not making it up to you

by going out with my mates, but that was already planned,

you know I'm not going to be the one to let the boys down.

- Like I think obviously we're still together.

In a relationship, trust is a massive thing to me,

and I think that the minute you over step the mark,

the minute you're messaging another girl

or you know it's going to far then I'll be gone.

- If you was to text another boy I wouldn't stick around,

it would be the same so it's not like anything different,

but I'm not like texting any one.

The only person I text is you or my mom.

- Yeah. - Yeah?

Pretty sure we're going to get through it.

As much as I hate it, I don't want to leave you,

but I will be back tonight.

- You have a good night.

Have fun.

- Oh Lydia Italia's calling for you.

We've got sand, sea, and we've got millions

of Mario look-a-likes.

[doorbell rings]

- Wait there, mom, two seconds.

- I'll drink my wine then, while I'm waiting.

- [Lydia] Come on in Bob.

- [Bob] Cheers babe.

- [Lydia] Do you want a glass of wine?

- [Bob] Large one, please hon.

- Has it been one of those days?

- I've had the worst day, Lyd.

- [Debbie] Are you there Bobby?

- Oh my god, Debbie, hello!

What are you doing in there?

- Are you looking after my Lydia Rosebrights?

- Oh, I am completely looking after Lydia, babes.

- [Debbie] I don't need to fly home then and kill James?

- No don't fly home and kill him.

All under control.

- [Lydia] We're gonna go now.

We're gonna order some food, alright?

Bye! - Bye Deb!

- Oh, I've hung up on her.

Oh Bob I miss her so much.

- What a lovely surprise to her pop up on the computer.

What we eating?

- What do you fancy?

I was thinking sushi?

- I can't eat anything out of the sea.

- [Lydia] Curry?

- Bit carb-errific and I'm not doing carbs at the moment.

We could have a Chinese, and although there's a bit of carbs

in special fried rice, there's a lot of meat,

so it's more protein than carbs.

- Perfect.

- Chinese? - Let's get Chinese.

[upbeat music]

- My eyes are watering.

- [Male] You haven't even finished it yet.

- [Ricky] That was disgusting mate.

- Who's up for a rematch, round two.

- Round two, I'll get it.

- Shots!

- Shots, get in!

- As captain of the lag boat, are you enjoying it?

- Yes sir.

Just pace me all right.

- [Ricky] No pacing, we're going full speed ahead.

Trust me, there's no brakes.

- You've got to hammer it home, hammer it.

- [Charlie] Yeah, but I want to survive alright.

No, you don't want to survive that's the point

of a boys night out, you don't survive.

You wake up in an ambulance all right?

- I'm sipping this all right, simple.

- There's no, no, you're not.

- You do what we say.

You're not sipping any beers.

If you want to be with us you've got to join us.

This is nothing.

- But I don't understand why all you girls are messy.

You always seems to fall out like the water's dirty,

or something.

- This ain't in the water. - This ain't in the water.

- I was round Sam's house earlier on and Jess was there.

- And she was talking about like,

I don't know someone pulled out her hair or something,

but I just think it is so silly.

Why are you always arguing?

- That was fucking ages ago, weren't it?

- What?

Are you actually having a laugh?

I want to laugh that's the most ridiculous thing

I've ever heard.

- She's just a bit upset obviously.

Where it's little a bit hasn't grown back,

and she has to keep covering it up and she might,

she might do something about it.

- What the hair thing, ages ago?

- So she's blaming me? - Well I think so.

- [Lauren G] Oh my god.

- Why?

- Frankie was there and knows she started on me,

and she can't go round slagging me off,

talking about me, making it out

that she is completely innocent when she's not.

- She weren't, she weren't.

Can I just say she weren't slagging you off?

She was just saying I think because of her hair

and that's it.

I don't want to get involved.

- She can't say that, Jess, Jessica, at the end

of the day if someone pulled her hair out,

it would grow back, she has problems with her hair

and that's why she's gotta go and get it sorted,

and you can't blame me for that.

- I don't wanna get involved.

- Well she ain't that exactly innocent.

There is something you should know.

- What?

- I really wish at the moment,

I kind of had a boyfriend, who to do this with, you know?

- A take away night.

- I love a take away night.

- Don't you think it's a bit funny though,

how like Charlie and Tom have all gone out tonight?

- Yeah, on this boys night.

I'm a little bit annoyed about it all, Lyds, if I'm honest.

- Why?

- Well, I bumped in to Chaz today,

and he said they was all going out,

and he said do you want to come and I was like well no.

I'm going to see Lyd, we're having a girls night,

but it thought you've gone and made all these plans

and not invited me.

- I don't think that he would have meant it intentionally.

- I'm really starting to notice

how much Charlie is changing though

and it is literally to try and fit in with other people.

I don't want him, and no disrespect to any of the guys,

but I don't want him to kinda turn

into a stereotypical bloke because,

Charlie will loose his charm.

There's something very beautiful about that man.

- Yeah.

- Like caught my eye.

- Yeah really?

- Yeah pretty, I like the curvaceous type.

A little bit of junk in that trunk.

- Sounds like every man likes a bit of boobage,

a bit of bum.

- It's all about the eyes for me though.

- See I don't ever talk to a girl with the eyes.

I'm looking down, I'm seeing what else they've got to offer.

Unless they are taller than me and then I'm like that,

but then I don't really like going with taller girls.

- I've been thinking about asking Lyd's

to move in with me.

- You've got to prepare yourself to be aggravated to hell.

The toilet seat is always down, like you'll be sitting there

brushing your teeth and she'll walk in and take a shit.

Sex life is better, before me and Lucy moved out,

she'll kill me for telling you this,

we're having sex and my mom walks in,

didn't knock on the door, walks in

with the washing basket and starts putting my washing away.

I was literally balls deep in Lucy, I was going.

- But you need to show the King,

you need to be the King of the jungle,

you need to just pounce on your prey and just penetrate.

- Okay.

- Penetrate, penetrate.

Penetrate like a panda.

- Well we're here and anything can happen,

you know this is my jungle.

- Yeah, exactly, start pouncing yeah.

- Well you know the night after me and you kissed.

She has obviously found out.

She messaged me like, nothing,

nothing like really bad but like quite flirty messages,

and she's going out with Ricky.

Surely that's like and I was messaging her back

to see how she was going to react to it.

- When was this?

- The day after we kissed,

the morning after Joe's party thing.

The morning of your birthday.

- Has she text you since?

Did you reply?

- Yeah I replied yeah.

Well I'll show you.

Obviously. I flirted back here.

- Not really, you haven't.

- Can I just say something?

No offence to you Lauren, but it don't even matter

if you two are seeing each other.

The whole thing is theirs with each other.

- Yeah, this Jess, I have known for a long time,

and she is clearly a cheat.

She's a cheat.

And how dare, I would never

in a million years message Ricky, like yeah.

She knows I like you and like she's trying

to message you and stuff,

and I just think that is out of order.

- Well imagine what Ricky's going to do when he finds

out she's messaging you.

- I feel sorry for Ricky, to be fair like,

do you know what I mean?

I think one minute she was seeing you.

Now she's seeing Ricky and now she's texting you.

Do you know what I mean, she acts like,

she's the oldest one out of all of us as well

and it's like I don't get, I just don't get it.

- I know what you mean, I know where you're coming from.

- You two always rival with each other.

- [Lauren G] No, I don't want a rivalry.

- She wants the rivalry.

- [Lauren G] She does, she's a weirdo, she needs to grow up.

- [Joey] Once a cheat, always a cheat.

- But the thing is you can't even sort of say she done it

in a jokey way because we ain't exactly good mates are we?

It's not like banter or-

- Well you can tell it's a flirty message,

and you can see she's a flirt from the messages.

It's a flirty thing.

- For a little while I don't feel like I have been able

to be myself.

And to say, to say certain things.

- To who?

- To anyone really.

I have just felt so confused lately,

like having these little down days,

and I'm getting all emotional, a little bit teary

about things.

And I know I shouldn't be, and I have not wanted

to tell anyone because I am embarrassed and ashamed I guess.

- You're a 26, 27 year old man.

You've never been out and got fucked

and had a fucking kebab.

This is your final initiation.

- I don't need cutlery for what I am just

about to get myself involved in.

- Chris might not need one because he is a cave man.

Are you ready?

- Oh no.

- Oh that's juicy.

- That's disgusting man.

- Are you having a laugh?

- Have you got any water?

- Nah, not your sort of cup of tea?

- Nah, nah, nah, look.

- I can't eat that.

- I've got your hair.

- That's disgusting man. - Are you all right?

- Admittedly it is not everyone's taste,

but it's something for me.

- You know when something's on your mind and eats away,

and I've not spoke to anyone about it,

but I kind of want to talk to you about it.

I,

since kind of Marbella have realised that

in certain situations I'm getting jealous about things,

which I shouldn't be getting jealous about.

Which makes me feel like I'm un-loyal to people close to me.

- Oh Bob.

- There was a day at the beach,

and I kind of was just reading my 50 Shades,

and just out of the corner of my eye I looked over

and saw him like with a hostess,

under an umbrella, like kissing and my first instinct was,

I wanted to go over there and rip her cheap hair extensions

out of her head.

I'm realising how I feel and all my emotions are coming

to the surface and this whole double life.

I feel like I'm on one hand Bobby, the friend.

And then kind of when I'm behind closed doors,

I'm Bobby, the heartbroken.

- [Lyd] So what are you trying to say?

- That I've,

I've realised now that I have fallen in love

with Charlie.

[piano music]

[boys singing]

[trumpets blare]

- [Narrator] Next time on "The Only way Is Essex."

Will Tom P's eyebrows threaten

to leave unless they get paid more?

- Your eyebrows, everytime you speak they just

get higher and higher until eventually just merging

with your hair.

- [Narrator] Will Big Mark continue to state the obvious?

- Jess, Ricky's here.

- [Narrator] And will Tom K continue to enjoy

it doggy style?

- He's climbing, he's climbing.

- [Narrator] Who knows, these people are real,

and anything can happen on "The Only Way Is Essex."

[upbeat music]

♪ The only way is up

♪ Baby

♪ For you and me now

♪ The only way is up baby

♪ For you and me now

♪ The only way is up baby

♪ For you and me now