Original subtitles

- [Narrator] This programme contains an 80s flashback,

Joey showing off this chopper

and a big bust up with an ex.

The tans you see might be fake but the people are all real

although some of what they do has been set up

purely for you entertainment.

Previously on the The Only Way Is Essex.

- Oh, that's what happens.

[chuckles]

- I don't even care if Arg and Gemma beat us,

I want to beat them two.

[laughs]

[crowd cheering]

[crowd laughing]

- I wonder what that would be.

- Come and do it again then.

[smooching]

[upbeat orchestral music]

♪ The only way is up, baby

♪ For you and me now

[soft acoustic music]

- [Sam] Happy Birthday.

- [Joey] Thanks you little mouse.

[Joey laughs]

- Are you looking forward to your party tonight?

- Yeah, can't wait.

80s birthday though isn't it.

Do you remember when we first did that kiss in the pool?

- Yeah, it was Harry's birthday.

- Yeah, it was there.

- [Sam] Is it?

- Yeah.

Chose it for you.

- You're getting old.

- I'm getting old, aren't I?

Who do you think has acted older of me and you,

who acts older?

- I act older.

- You're are actually quite immature.

- Immature, no I'm not.

- Is immature the word?

- Do you want your birthday present?

- Now?

- Yeah.

You won't get it, at first, I know you won't.

- What is that?

- Read here.

- Happy birthday, we are going to New York.

December 19th to 22nd.

- [Sam] Just before Christmas.

- Just before Christmas.

I didn't know what to get you as you.

- As you already have everything,

so I thought this is lovely for both of us.

- In love, love, love you so much.

Sam AKA mouse.

We're going New York? - Yeah.

- Really?

- I booked that for your birthday.

I didn't.

- I thought you would get me a number plate or something.

- No!

[laughing]

- So, are we actually gonna be there in Christmas,

when it's Christmas day?

- [Sam] No, we come home just before Christmas day.

- Do we really?

- [Sam] Yeah.

- What so the 22nd, so when's Christmas, 23rd?

- 25th.

- It's mad.

- It'll be really romantic

and it's our first Christmas together.

- I know, so good.

♪ Let the sun shine

♪ Let the sun shine baby

♪ Let it all go

♪ Let it all go baby

- Aww, you cook the best breakfast.

Next time you do my eggs can you make 'em proper, not burnt?

- You cheeky cow.

[laughs]

- You looking forward to Joey's party?

- Yeah, I can't wait.

I got to go out today and get his present, don't I?

- What you gonna get him?

- He's always wanted a Chopper bike.

He's always dreamed of being in the sun riding our choppers.

[Gemma laughs]

Obviously I can't.

What, are you crying or laughing?

[Gemma laughs]

- Both in the sun riding your choppers.

[Arg laughs]

- Let me eat my plate.

No, come on Gem, but.

So what is it?

Can you just be a bit honest with me.

- You've said some stupid things,

it just messes my head up.

You make me feel really unconfident.

- Alright, well listen, I am so, so sorry

if I have ever made you feel that way, okay,

but I don't think it is anything we can't sort out.

- No, it's not nothing we can't sort out,

but like it's like I look in the mirror now

and I've just got you in the back of my going,

you look like Vanessa Feltz.

- Gemma, stop being stupid.

You don't look like Vanessa Feltz,

you look like Diana Dors, I told you that, Gem.

- I just feel depressed.

[Gemma cries]

- That's why I don't want to make you feel this way.

You've gotta stop being silly.

I'm not gonna see you be upset, unhappy and sad.

We'd have to finish it Gem,

because I'm not having you crying anymore.

- Okay, can I just have a bit of time though to myself?

And I'll see you at Joey's party.

[upbeat music]

- Gotta do one or the parts,

you can't walk and go to the gym.

[horn honks] It's not cool.

- Oh, look at who he is.

- [Chloe] Hi, Mick.

- Hello.

- [Chloe] This your new wheels, you ain't got no rims.

- Alloys in there, aren't they?

- Listen you need to have like, it needs,

you know suspension when it bounces up like that.

- Yeah like Snoop and Dre.

- It's a 1980s model this one.

- Mick, you're such a junior.

[Mick chuckles] Yeah, you are.

You could drive this to the party

and you'd totally fit in with the theme.

- I'm here to party.

That's 80s isn't it?

- Yeah.

- I love the 80s but I was so ugly in the 80s.

You wouldn't know it now though, would you Mick?

- [Mick] No, never.

- [Chloe] Was you a mod?

- No, I was a skinhead.

- [Lauren P] What's a mod?

- [Chloe] Was yeah?

- Yeah.

Who yous goin as anyway?

- Dunno.

- Might just rock up in a shelf suit, Mick.

- [Mick] Yeah, there you go.

- Do you know what I mean?

That's what I used to wear in the 80s.

Shell suits.

- The Essex girl was actually born in the 80s I think.

The white stilettos, dancing 'round the handbag.

I might just seen yous two do the dance

around the handbag anyway.

- No, they're too expensive to put on the floor, Mick.

- Do you want a lift, mate?

- [Lauren P] Hell yeah.

- You're not too embarrassed to get in the 80s.

- [Lauren P] Come on.

- Come on, pile in.

- [Chloe] You're jokin'.

- Squeeze in.

- [Lauren P] You gonna have room there?

- Ow, hot lever.

- [Mick] Hot lever.

- Oh, how, oh my god I can't sit back.

It's so hot in.

- The noises you're makin' comin' out of this car.

- [Chloe] I think my boobs are a big big for this car.

[upbeat music]

- I can't believe you kissed at the stables.

- I know.

- That's proper romantic but proper like frisky as well.

- Why?

Like, I don't know, like it's a bit like dirty, innit, like.

- [Lauren G] Really?

- Like [growls] at the stables.

- It's not my fault, it just happened.

- Is he a good kisser then?

- Yeah.

- Oh my God, no way!

- It was quite sexy and I was just like okay.

- You didn't like?

- No.

Yeah, do it in the haystack.

- He'll be like shovelin' out all the manure

and there'll be like a G string.

- Shut up, Lydia.

Oh my god.

It's not my fault, he like, put it on me.

Shut up, Lyd.

[upbeat music]

- Look mate, you stink.

- It's not me, mate, it's the dog, I'm telling ya.

- [Mario] Chaps.

- Awww, look at her. - What the hell is that?

- This is Lucy's new dog, Lola.

- Lola look like a Furby.

[Ricky laughs]

Where is she from?

- From America, Lucy really wanted one so.

- [Tom] Hello.

Lola. [boys laughing]

- [Mario] Lucy's in love with her though.

- [Ricky] How has Lucy been, she been alright?

- Yeah, she's fine man, yeah shes good.

- Jess told me yesterday that she rang her

or something upset.

- When was this?

- [Ricky] She didn't tell me what.

- When was this?

- I dunno like, I don't know, yesterday,

the day before.

I think she's meeting her today or something.

- No idea, I think she is pretty upset about the Sam thing.

- I can imagine, yeah.

- It is what it is, like tonight, his birthday and that.

We, obviously, we're not going.

- We're going tonight, you know that.

- Don't really care anymore, mate to be honest with ya,

like I said if I never speak to them again,

I'll still sleep tonight

and if it gets sorted it gets sorted, so.

- I've got six weeks with Lyd

with no Mom or Dad has she, they've gone to.

- Have you moved in with Lyd?

- 'Cause she's got a free house for six weeks.

- That's you, your done for.

- I'm done, I'm sorted.

- You've got further than me mate.

You've finished, you're gonna get a dog next.

- You've gone past couch boy straight away,

you've taken a bigger step than that.

- Slowly surely wins the race, I reckon.

- What's that, to get up stairs?

- [Ricky] To get to the bedroom [laughs].

- [Mario] Before her Dad wakes up.

- [Ricky] And then I sneak back down.

- [Mario] Is that what you do?

- It's like a covert mission, yeah, I'm like Tom Cruise.

- God.

- Good girl.

[Mario laughs]

[gloves pattering]

- Go on, speed round.

- Well done.

Fucking hell mate you're a machine.

You must feel incredible at the minute.

- I am feeling better, feeling so much fitter.

I'm telling ya, boxing is the way forward.

- Boxing is the way into a lot of girls pants mate,

I'd tell ya that.

It's quite a masculine thing to do, you know what I mean?

- I feel like my testosterone is flowing.

- [Little Charlie] That's good man.

- I feel blokey.

- Yeah.

- Sometimes girls look at me

and they're like oh he's like this soft, sweet guy.

Enough of that, bollocks.

I am a nice guy, what you see is what you get,

but do you know what.

- I've got brutal.

- Shut that bedroom door, I'm an animal.

- All you gotta do is just think right,

this is where I need to show my like predator instinct.

Don't think with your head

and think with your penis.

Well you've definitely got the confidence

'cause you went over to LG the other night.

- I thought we was gettin' on really well, you know,

she had a little smirk.

We were banterin' a little bit

and I thought come on, like, we're getting good signals

come back right now and literally before I knew it,

in walked some Tom.

Pissed me off if I'm honest.

- I don't think Tom P's got anything on you at all, mate,

if I'm being honest.

- But obviously I'm not that cocksure fellow

that thinks he can just bowl in.

Nah.

- Get your gloves back on.

- Should we go again.

- Yeah, let's go again, mate.

- I'm ready to kinda go out on the pull.

- That's what I wanna hear.

- I'd like to get laid.

- [Little Charlie] Good man!

[men grunting]

[peaceful music]

- Like deep down are you completely 100% convinced

and are you happy?

I don't trust men, like every boyfriend I've had,

I've never trusted them 100%

because then you're letting your guard down.

- I think everyone thinks like you

and everyone thinks I'm some like naiïve little girl

that's just going like yes Mario, I believe you,

but I've actually got passwords to his Twitter,

his email, his phone,

so how can he possible be doing anything

without me seeing it?

- I think what's getting you down is that the fact

that you're not 100% sure.

You're obviously gonna have doubts in your mind

about the Mario thing coz there's no,

you think there's no smoke without fire.

- I'm sick to death of people questioning our relationship,

it's our relationship, I'm happy, Mario's happy.

All this needs to change

is I need to start coming out more

and the reason I'm not is 'cause of everyone else.

If there was proof then we will cross that bridge

when it comes to it,

but I know there's never gonnna be

'cause I trust him a 100%.

- Okay, as long as you're all right, you know where I am.

[upbeat music]

- All I want to do is get to a size 14.

- Do you know what it is as well, you know where everyone's.

- What is that?

- I'm doing like a tanning thing.

Basically, you know what I am like, I'm tan-erexic,

I need to have a spray tan,

but now I have read this thing on the internet,

you blend 14 carrots a day and you drink it.

Chemical in it will eventually come out in my skin.

- Do you think it'll work?

I don't think it will?

- Well, there's a lot of research

and I kind of feel like I've been a little bit

of a aqua, bia, marinist, whatever it is.

- Maybe it's cleansin' you. - Forget it.

- Well, I think, A, it's cleansing me.

But you wanna see the colour of my wee.

- What colour is it?

- [Billie] Is it, like orange?

- Orange?

It's like toxic waste.

- [Gemma] Is it safe?

- It's completely safe

because I'm still eating so when I say

it's like a tanning diet,

it's not that I'm not eating.

I'm still eating everything I used to eat.

- It's like a supplement.

- It's five-a-day isn't it as well?

Well it's 14 a day, 14 fucking carrots.

- You've got to do like, you've got to get a spectrum

with all the different colours of orange

and compare it to your skin.

- Like the Durex samples in Homebase

- Dulux! - Durex?

- Dulux, it's all about that.

- But you might go from

like clementine, tangerine, terracotta.

- Satsuma.

- Satsuma, Donatella.

- Donatella Versace, Oompa Loompa, David Dickinson.

But I do think to myself,

maybe it's these little things will make me feel better

and look better.

I don't want to be on the shelf forever.

I'm 26 in a couple of weeks.

- I'm 31.

- Well we'll have to just get together.

I'll have 14 carrots, you'll be cryin' into your Kleenex.

- Gem, I've never seen you so emotional.

- I keep cryin' and I don't know why.

I just keep cryin'.

You say hello to me and I'll cry.

- Are you pregnant?

- I don't know.

- Could you imagine?

- I don't know.

- Gemma you're gonna have to up to the chemist

and get one of them sticks

and have a little wee.

- It is weird how I keep cryin', isn't it?

I've met the man of my dreams

and I just don't feel good enough to be with him.

- You are beautiful.

And don't change for no one.

You don't go and buy double glazin'

when your windows are beautiful in stained glass.

Like, you only do it if someone's put a brick through it.

[upbeat music]

- Six, seven, eight, nine, 10.

Ow [laughs].

- What we on? - I don't know.

- 28, 29, 30.

- That is the worst exercise.

- I know, but it is so good for all your stomach.

- The only thing how I feel, it's like how many people's

been sweatin' on this mat?

Do you know what I mean?

I hate gyms.

- When you come to a gym, then when you leave,

you're really happy because it releases something

that makes you happy.

- Yeah, I know like enzymes or something like that.

- I'm kind of dreadin' the party,

everything's gonna be awkward.

- Why?

- There was awkward with Tom anyway,

now I'm awkward with Lauren.

The two awkward people

that will be at the party have now joined forces,

there'll just be one big awkwardness.

- God I dunno, like he asked her out

and she said no and then he decided

that he chose the wrong Lauren,

so then he asked you out and he's been like seeing you

and like sticking his tongue down your throat,

and now you're not interested,

he's gone back to Lauren

so from Lauren's point of view it's a bit aggy isn't it?

- But if she has liked him the whole time

it would kind of explain a lot,

'cause she has been weird with me for a while.

If it was the Tom thing, if you're pissed off

about something then just say,

I didn't like him that much that I wouldn't have backed off.

I wouldn't of really given a shit to be honest,

I would of just went fine, whatever.

- It's a bit like sloppy seconds.

[Lauren and Chloe laughing]

[upbeat music]

- Do you know what, I am so excited

to give Joey this Chopper bike.

Like Joey loves 80s, don't he,

he loves the 80s, vintage, retro sort of style.

Well this is the vintage, retro, 80s bike.

This is exactly what it is.

I can't wait to actually give it to him,

he's gonna be like oh my god, it's like shock.

He's gonna love it

- Jo's not the best on presents

'cause for my birthday all I get every year

is box of condoms and things like that

in a little green box and wraps it up

and to try and make out that it's more presents,

he wraps the condoms individually

so I think I've got a lot of presents

then I wrap 'em up and they're all just the same stuff so.

- Have you used 'em?

- I've gotten them for years so I had a lot building up.

Everyone's gettin' girlfriends and shackin' up

with each other.

You've got Gemma.

What I wanna know is,

who's the better kisser, Lauren P or Lauren G?

- I dunno mate, they.

- Who's the better kisser?

Lauren P or Lauren G?

Bloody hell

- I dunno, none of them are as good as your mum.

[men laughing]

- What the fuck?

- Sorry mate.

- I've known Lauren for a long, long, long time.

And, you know, I do love her to bits.

You know, she's like family to me.

But she can be a fucking pain in the arse.

- I know that, but I think she's funny.

- She's funny, she's got a good heart,

she can be a bit of a pain in the ass

but she ain't a deep, down horrible nasty person, no.

- Yeah, that's what I'm sayin'

is she's misunderstood.

- At least things are going, you know,

all right your way.

I mean, I've had a bit of.

I've had a nightmare this morning.

I'm actually quite upset.

She said it's all right,

she said you called me Vanessa Feltz

but you wouldn't like it if I called you Rick Wooller.

- [Tom P] Who's Rick Wooller?

I can picture him.

- It's a giant, he used to be on like, opera or.

- A great, great, great singer.

Great singer.

- Bad, bad, bad body, bad body.

- But he's a great singer.

No, but listen, the end of the day

we're gonna go separately to the party

and then we'll either meet up on the dance floor,

have a good dance, get a drink at the bar

and hopefully, you know, it'll be fine.

- You okay? - Yeah good.

- Would you like to take that one?

- Yep, I'm gonna take it, definitely

- [Shopkeeper] Yeah, take it now?

- Yeah, let's do it.

[upbeat music]

- That's it.

More retro.

Show me your George Michael move,

I think he's probably more like,

I think he's probably more like to the point,

like funky moves.

- I dunno, like what does he do, he's quite groovy ain't he?

He's like that, ain't he?

What's he do?

- It's like he's riding a bike.

- I dunno, like what's he, what's he do?

- I ain't afraid of no ghosts.

Ghostbuster, what do you think?

- Very nice,

very sexy, mama.

- Oi, what we drinking?

- [Joey] You look nice in red hair.

- Your boobs are bigger than mine tonight.

- I know, push up bra.

What is this?

- Cheers big ears.

- This is a 80's cocktail,

we're getting into the swing of things.

- I've got such a good entrance, I'll show ya.

Such a good entrance.

- [Billie] What is it?

- I ain't saying nothing.

- Do you know?

- [Sam] Yeah.

- It's a surprise.

- Oh my god, it's gonna be like arrivin'

in a banana or something 'cause.

- Why does everybody think banana?

- Because in the 80s, bananas were massive.

- Was they?

They always big, ain't they?

- I was born in the 90s.

- No, but like banana is like quite a tropical fruit

and the 80s is all about tropical.

- Right, so me Billie, and Gemma are gonna be coming

to your party in a little while

so we'll see you there.

- So see you there.

♪ Relax, don't do it

♪ When you wanna go to

♪ Relax, don't do it

♪ When you wanna go

♪ Relax, don't do it

♪ When you wanna sock it to it

♪ Relax, don't do it

♪ When you wanna come

- Everyone is sayin' that you are Christian Grey.

- Is it fictional, the whole thing?

- No, it's based on you, Mick.

- Are you sure?

- One woman that you took on a date years ago

has wrote this book all on you.

- Do ya reckon?

- I love it.

I'll bet you've got the whips, the chains, the handcuffs.

- Oh, is it all that?

No I'm not into that.

- [Lydia] No?

- I don't think I could be Christian Grey.

He's supposed to be ginger, isn't he?

And 28?

- No, I don't think he's ginger.

Is he redhead?

- Strawberry blonde.

Which is a posh word for ginger.

- [Lydia] Really?

- Yeah, I'm an hairdresser.

- This takes me back to all them days in the 80s.

Where I used to sit up and wait

for all yous girls to come in.

- I know.

- And how about all these pads?

- I know, do you remember all the big shoulders?

- Yeah, the great big.

It was classy wasn't it, in them days?

[dramatic music]

♪ It's the final countdown

- For fuck's sake, man.

- [Diags] That is 100 times better than your bike.

♪ It's the final countdown

[dramatic music]

♪ It's the final countdown

- That one's not a real one.

- It's not a real one?

Are you jokin', that one was sick.

- It's like a copied version.

It's not like a proper.

- That's the best one you can get.

It's like buyin' someone who's got a big mansion,

like, a little. - Bungalow.

[dramatic music]

♪ The final countdown

♪ The final countdown

♪ It's the final countdown

♪ Where we will together

- Do you need my mirror, Bil?

- [Billie] Yeah, let's have a look.

- So funny.

Arg keeps textin' me from the other side of the pool.

Going, "Stop putting makeup on, stop putting makeup on."

- What is his problem?

- Don't like make up.

- Why is he acting like that though?

So what?

All girls wear make up.

- I think he needs to go out

with someone from a nunnery or something.

- He's so annoying, he's always on his high horse

about everything, isn't he?

- Debbie Harry wouldn't turn up with no make up on

and I'm Debbie Harry. - Exactly [laughs].

[upbeat music]

- I don't know if you know Mark,

but nothing's really going on at the moment,

nothing serious yet but I've been speaking

to Lauren quite a bit.

- What Lauren Pope?

- No, Goodger.

- Oh Lauren, our Lauren.

Really?

- Your Lauren, yeah.

- How is she?

- Yeah, she's alright, nothing serious like I said,

I haven't taken her out properly yet,

but I think I will do.

- I'm pleased.

I'm pleased for her more so,

you know she needed someone.

Don't let her drink to much though,

take that little bit of advice.

- [Arg] Fucking hell.

- The Tom and Lauren thing doesn't bother me,

obviously I'm more bothered

that like me and Lauren just don't really like talk anymore.

- Is everything over between you and Tom?

- Yeah, completely, but then this just reiterates

like why it wouldn't work with Tom like,

he's seeing Lauren and I am guessing,

unless they literally decided to hook up

like the next day, like,

they've obviously been talking for a while.

- From an outsider's point of view,

I'm just thinking like what the fuck,

ain't there any other guys in Essex?

Oh fuck it, let's all go out with Tom.

[girls laughing]

♪ Gold

♪ Always believing you're so

♪ You've got the power to know

♪ You're indestructible

♪ Always believing that you are gold ♪

- Every single person is dressed like me,

I'm dressed like myself.

- [Sam] I'm not dressed like you.

Aw look, aw look.

Arg's present for you.

Be careful.

- [Joey] Is that a present?

- Wow.

- It's your present.

- What, someone is obviously in that, is it Danny Dyer?

- No, it's not Danny Dyer.

- Is it?

I dunno, a go-ped?

- No, it's not a go-ped.

Listen, it's a surprise,

and not only have I spent quite a bit of money,

it's also a lot of thought that has gone into it

and it's special all right?

Can you just open it Joey?

- That's mine.

- [Sam] Wow!

- That's well sick.

- [Diags] Are you happy you've got two bikes now?

- That are a proper Chopper ain't it?

- Yeah, it's a proper one.

The other one you come in on before.

This is a proper, limited edition, 2012 Chopper.

- That is well sick.

- Do be honest, do you prefer it to the one you just had?

- [Joey] Yeah.

- Honestly?

- It's well sick.

- [Diags] Yeah, alright,

the other bike's a little bit better.

- Do you know what it is,

you know when you get reincarnated

and you come back as something?

- That's Joey.

- That would be Joey wouldn't it?

- Like if you come back, if you had to come back

as a bicycle, that would be you.

- I had no idea it was this, put that way.

I'm well happy with it, proper happy.

- Let him ride off in the distance.

[Arg laughing]

- What about you, with just your bikini on,

with nothing underneath it?

- It's not a bikini is it?

- It looks like one. - Why?

- Looks like you've got a bikini

with a little dress over it.

- Don't, it's a leotard.

- Anyway.

- [Lauren G] Yeah?

- I had a little, I had a little chat

with Big Mark earlier, it was a little bit awkward

at first but he's fine about it I think.

He said like, he thinks you're ready to move on,

and I think you are as well, well hopefully you are

and if you are ready to move on

then I do wanna take you out.

- Thing is like, I think like,

they appreciate the fact that I am moving on now

and it's not about no one else, it's about me and you.

- [Tom P] Yeah.

- Do you know what I mean?

If I wanna see and go out with you, I'm gonna

and that's what I wanna do.

- You wanna, yeah?

- Ye course I do.

Right?

Okay.

- Okay, give us a kiss.

[smooching]

[upbeat music]

- So am I though, I'm satsuma and blonde.

- You need to be dark, it looks good.

- Yeah, maybe I should go to the dark side.

- [Bobby] Let's swap.

You go dark, I'll go blonde.

- [Billie] Yeah, let's do it!.

- But while we're talking about image, what about,

what about my look, seriously?

Like I'm having a crisis at the minute.

- [Billie] Why?

- I can see that. [group laughing]

- I've got a perm that's gone wrong.

- Disregarding today's image,

I don't think you need to change.

I think that you are cool, masculine

and I would say it's quite sexy.

- I have to be honest, it's quite nice

to hear compliments to me

because I never really receive them.

- You're always paying the compliments

but you never receive them, other than when Bobby pays them.

- Bobby, bless him, he pays me compliments all the time.

- He's the biggest support to you, isn't he?

- He is, he's my best pal.

- He knows I love him to bits, you know what I mean?

And I'll always be there for him.

Like, we've got such a connection

where it's kinda such, like,

I genuinely see this guy as my best friend and like.

Not many people in life come into your life

that know what you're thinkin' without openin' your mouth.

- Yeah, so true.

- Now this boy here.

- He finishes your sentences.

- Can finish my sentence

and there's been times, especially in Marbella,

that I've not even opened my mouth

and he's like laughed or goes I know what you're thinkin'

'cause he knows what I'm thinkin'.

- Yeah. - You've got a special bond

which is really lovely.

- Yeah, now we're good buds. - I love you too,

I think you're brilliant.

- Truly is lovely to hear.

- [Jess] And I hope that you both find love

'cause you both deserve it.

- This is what I wanna do.

I'm just seein', the more I see,

I see you and Ricky loved up.

I wanna be like that.

I wanna experience it.

I've never been in love.

[upbeat music]

- All gnats everywhere is makin' me itch.

- [Lauren P] Yeah, I know.

They're all hangin' around your wig.

- Hangin' off it.

- [Lauren P] They're like nestin' in your wig.

- [Chloe] They could be livin' in it.

- And they're matin' up in there.

- Oh don't say that, you're makin' me wanna take it off

but I've got really bad wig hair underneath.

[upbeat music]

[toilet gurgles]

- Hello.

- You all right. - You alright there?

Sounded like you was giving birth.

- I know mate, I've got a proper sweat on.

How are you?

- I'm all right, how are you?

You seem a bit down lately.

- I am mate, a little bit, to be honest with you.

It's just the whole, you know, Mario Lucy thing.

The best man.

- Have you had a few too many sherberts?

- Too many roses?

I know what you're like.

- Eh?

- At a party, I know what you're like.

- Oh you know me, I like to have a couple of drinks,

you know settle the nerves.

- [Little Charlie] Are you nervous?

- What's the problem,

of course I am I'm sitting here havin' a conversation

with you in the toilet.

- [Little Charlie] Yeah but why?

- I get nervous around men in the toilet.

I'm a shy peer.

I had to make sure I had a couple of drinks before I came

in here so I could do the job without havin' to worry.

- I was trying to sort out my outfit.

I was like.

- [Ricky] What have you come as?

- Mate, I am Vanilla Ice.

Respect it, don't neglect it

- 50 pence or something mate, 20 pence.

- I've got a medals.

- Listen, Rick'll fix it [laughs].

[sensual music]

- Yeah, I'm cool with the Tom situation,

like that isn't an issue.

Like things have got awkward between us

like we've obviously just grown apart.

- Obviously like I look back and times

where we was really close and now I feel like

there's Lauren, oh, like, I can't talk

to you about stuff I used to talk to, do you know

what I mean?

I don't want that.

- Well I don't want that either,

but it's hard when you said to Chloe just to be wary of me.

I've got no friends.

- Really?

Well that's really weird, because I didn't say that to Chloe

like and I don't need to like,

that's what I find so strange.

- You did say it to Chloe.

- No, I didn't.

- Well then Chloe must have made it up.

- Yeah, 'cause that's really weird,

can you not just ask her?

- I'll ask her, she's over there.

- Yeah, you can.

- Chloe!

Sorry to drag you into it.

- [Chloe] I'm dragged in.

- Hi.

- Hello.

I don't really want to get involved,

but you did say something like that.

It was a long time ago, it's not relevant for now,

but obviously since then me

and Lauren have got really friendly

and when you are that close you do talk

about things like that.

- I'm here just to come to you and talk

about I'm now happy with Tom, seeing him.

That's all I've come over for,

not to have a row with anyone and that's fine.

- Well what I'm saying.

- [Lauren G] No, no, no that's fine.

- You're saying that.

- That's fine, that's not true.

Whatever, listen I haven't come over here.

- [Chloe] Lauren it is true, it is true,

I don't make things up.

Okay, okay.

- [Lauren G] I haven't come over for this.

- Right.

- I haven't come over for this,

I have enough shit in my life, I don't need this.

I'm moving on, I'm happy.

I've come over to give you the heads up.

- [Lauren P] Lauren, I'm happy that you are happy.

- No, no, no, it's fine, it's fine.

- Its not really fine though

because now it's even more worse, isn't it?

- Well she's been caught out so she's stormed off.

[melancholy music]

- You alright?

- Not really know.

- What's a matter, you alright?

- Yeah, can we go?

I just wanna go.

- You wanna go.

Alright, we'll go.

Boys, we're gonna shoot all right.

- [Tom K] Sweet, see you later.

- See ya later.

Stop worrying about her, don't let it upset ya.

- No, I've not made him an apple pie yet.

- He's got that treat to come now.

- Well, no, you've put me off for life really 'cause.

- You've been scarred?

- [Gemma] [mumbles] I was baking you an apple pie

and I never got to go out with you, so that's it.

No one gets my pies.

- [Lydia] Hey mamas.

- You all right, Lyds?

- [Lydia] How are ya?

- [Mick] You all right darling?

- [Gemma] Really good, how are you?

- You good.

- Yeah, we was just sayin' how funny

like this time last year Mick didn't give me the champagne.

- You're embarrassing me. - Oh, Mick!

- Go on, I'll leave ya to it.

- Shut up, Mick.

See ya later, bye.

- How are ya, Gem, ya good?

- Yeah, good, you?

- Yeah, like, I know obviously,

Arg don't like us two talking,

but if there's anyone that can relate

to anything that you are going through, obviously it's me.

'Cause I did used to get really low and upset

and like I did feel really controlled,

and I wasn't allowed to wear make up and stuff like that,

and when I saw you like it,

I just thought oh my god my heart goes out to her

because of no one knows how some feel unless you're.

- They're in it.

- In a position like that

and no one's really been in a position like that

and I just, I just hope for you

that you stay strong and you don't let him manipulate you

like that as a person.

[peaceful music]

- [Sam] Have you had a nice birthday?

- [Joey] It's been really, really good.

- How weird is it that we're here again?

- I know, it's over a year ago now isn't it?

[peaceful music]

- I have always said I wouldn't never have a problem

with, with either of yous together,

we weren't like best friends.

- You alright?

- [Arg] Yeah, what are you's two talking about?

- Nothing really.

- Just chatting.

- What you saying'?

- [Lydia] Just chatting.

- Nothing, girl chat.

- [Arg] What are you two friends now?

- We've never not been friends.

- Oh okay, it's just 'cause last time you and me spoke

to each other you told me

that I was scraping the barrel being with Gemma.

- Right James, the last time me and you spoke together

was when we were in Marbella,

because you was standing there trying

to hug me at the conveyor belt.

- No, no, all I'm saying.

- [Lydia] You're tryin' to cover.

- I just wanna, let me speak, let me speak.

Let me explain myself to you.

Let me speak first and then you can speak.

I just find it funny how you've come over

to my girlfriend and been all lovey dovey to her face,

trying to be all friendly like you are her mate,

but yet the last time I spoke to you,

you said that I was scraping the barrel being with Gemma.

- Right, I did not. - You said to me.

Listen to me,

no, no, listen to me. - Don't worry, don't worry,

people say things sometimes James.

- No, no, no. - James, James.

- Because I don't like two faced people, Gemma.

Listen to me.

Not only did you do that, you said we're both suited.

You said we're both suited.

- You're not letting me talk are you?

You're not letting me talk, are you?

- I'm gonna finish first, I haven't finished have I?

You said we're both suited because we're both fat,

and you also said.

- Oh my god, you are such a liar,

are you kidding me? - Don't worry, don't worry.

- Listen to me, no.

I do worry, Gemma. - Are you kidding me?

- And you also said that we both need a special bed

to be made to handle us both.

- [Lydia] All right, James, James.

- Don't worry about it, that's in the past.

- [Lydia] Can I just tell you?

- [Arg] No Lydia.

- [Lydia] Right you're not letting me.

- [Arg] I think you've got a cheek actually.

- You just said you wanna talk, okay,

and now you've gotta let me talk.

- No, but I've asked if you've got a cheek coming up

to my girlfriend.

- [Lydia] Are you going to let me talk?

- Trying to make out you're her mate, giving her advice,

when really the last time I spoke to you,

you slagged her off and put her down.

- Are you gonna let me talk,

because if not, then I am going to walk away.

- I haven't got much to say to you, I'd rather,

I'd rather you take your advice elsewhere,

as you can see for yourself,

me and Gemma are doing really, really well at the moment.

We're both really happy. - Oh ye really,

really well, aren't you?

- Yeah, we've had a couple of tiffs.

- Because I've seen Gemma upset the whole time.

You're horrible to people, you put people down.

- You put me down, you made me feel like shit.

- You're a cheat,

no, go away James. - Come on, let's go.

- You're doing exactly to her.

- [Arg] She's fine!

- What you did to me!

- She's having the best time of her life.

- No she hasn't! - Have you, Gemma, yes or no?

- Are you kidding me? - Right, listen.

- You're trying to tell her she can't wear make up,

she can't do this.

- I didn't say that, I said she's so,

I said she's so. - You did exactly to her

what you did to me. - I said she's so beautiful,

she doesn't need to wear make up.

- No you didn't!

- 'Cause I told her she.

- You're nasty, you are a horrible, cheating.

- [Arg] I told her she looks beautiful without make up.

- No, you're not James.

- I don't need to cheat on Gemma,

I don't need to cheat on Gemma.

- What, what, so why did you need to cheat on me?

- [Arg] Because there was obviously something missing,

there isn't with Gemma.

- What are you talking about, James?

- See you later Lydia.

- [Lydia] You are a horrible person

- Fine, then stay out of my life.

- And you still, you still.

I'm not in your life.

- Well then leave,

well then leave. - I'm not in your life.

You're the one that still talks about me.

- No, I don't.

- You're the one that still talks about me, James.

- Do I ever bring Lydia up to you Gemma?

- [Lydia] I've moved on.

- [Arg] Please leave.

- No, I am not leaving.

- [Arg] And please leave my girlfriend.

- I'm not leaving, you can leave.

- All right, don't be horrible,

can we end this nicely? - No, come on, let's go,

come on let's go, we will, we will.

- Come on Lydia, I don't want Lydia to be upset James.

- What are you doing Gemma?

Why you sticking up, no you're like yes Lydia,

I understand Lydia, yes Lydia, no.

What I said is true.

[melancholy music]

- [Narrator] Next time on The Only Way Is Essex,

will Little Chris's even littler Chris have more

of a success with the ladies?

- Shut that bedroom door, I'm an animal.

- Don't think with your head and think with your penis.

- [Narrator] Will Bananarma be making a comeback?

- In the 80s, bananas were massive.

- Was they?

- Banana is like quite a tropical fruit

and the 80s is about tropical.

- [Narrator] And can Arg and Lydia argue in any decade?

- I don't need to cheat on Gemma!

- What, what, so why did you need to cheat on me?

- Because there was obviously something missing.

There isn't with Gemma.

- What are you talking about James?

- [Narrator] Who knows?

These people are real and anything can happen

on The Only Way Is Essex.

[upbeat music]

♪ The only way is up baby

♪ For you and me now

♪ The only way is up baby

♪ For you and me now

♪ The only way is up, baby

♪ For you and me now

[upbeat music]