Original subtitles

- ÷{Voiceover] This programme contains a delicate operation,

an Olympic sized snog

and the world's greatest Michael Jackson Tribute Act.

The tans you see might be fake

but the people are all real

although some of what they do

has been set up purely for your entertainment.

Previously on 'The Only Way is Essex'

- You look a little I reckon a cross between

Diana Dors and Vanessa Felps.

- Vanessa Felps is out of order.

- Do you wanna get married?

- I do, but I'm a bit scared.

I'm just not ready.

- Come on keep up.

- Oh my god, seriously there are rumours flying around.

Everyone says it, it's so pathetic.

- Yeah well I'm hearing rumours as well.

- [Sam] I've not been Faces in about a year Mario.

- There's two pictures Sam.

- Well get me the pictures I aint been in Faces.

Lucy I've not come to ruin your engagement.

What's wrong with you.

- Fucking pair of Capri Suns. Fuck off.

♪ The only way is up baby

♪ For you and me now

- Does it make you less horny?

The whole idea of surgery of this sort is

to deal with over-sexed problems.

- No I am like really, really worried because

he's just so small.

- Yeah, you shouldn't worry, we've seen smaller.

Perhaps we better have a look at the little man

and see what we're dealing with.

- Yeah.

- Yes.

There we are.

Now let me just have a little listen.

- [Mario] It's to stop you humping.

- Yes, it will stop oversexed behaviour,

leg cocking which can be a problem.

- [Lucy] He does like hump everything and everyone.

- His operation will be just in here.

The testicles get pushed forward

so they're not in the scrotum

and the skin here is cut.

- So you're not actually getting rid of his balls

you're just pushing hem forward?

- No, no.

We're pushing them out of the scrotum

and then taking them away.

If you cut--

- You're pushing them up his willy?

- Not quite.

[laughter]

No no.

Pushed forward under normal skin then removed

because the scrotal skin doesn't heal very well.

- Okay.

I'm sorry Bentley, we love you

but you've just got to have it done okay,

because you keep humping my friends.

- He won't be nearly as worried as you will be.

I can promise you

- Kisses with daddy.

[guitar riff]

- [Debbie] Oh you'll definitely win long jump

with lose legs Tom.

Hey Mick!

- Whats happening?

- [Debbie] How are you?

- [Tom] Whats happening Micky?

- I'm alright Debs, you alright?

You all ready for the races?

- Yeah, you alright darling.

Thank you ever so much for helping me

put this sports day on.

- It's a pleasure.

I think it's going to be competitive today though innit?

- I think it's going to be really competitive.

- [Tom] Yeah definitely.

- I really did think about putting javelin in at one point.

- It's too dangerous.

- [Lydia] No, and there's too many enemies.

Everyone would be chuckin' them at each other!

[laughter]

It'll be Lucy and Sam like.

- We'll have to eliminate the chances of any fights.

- Come on, then let's get started, get set up.

- Let's go for it come on then let's go.

[electronic pop music]

- And then this is the classic,

Mario was going,

"I heard about you Sam,

"on the back of a bus outside Faces two weeks ago."

I was like--

- What!

- Right, number one,

I aint been Faces in about a year yeah,

and number two, I was like a bus?

A bus?

- A bus?!

- [Sam] A bus.

- Is he being serious?

Where has he been all he life?

No one gets a bus in Essex.

- [Sam] Exactly!

- I mean a Range Rover maybe,

but definitely not a bus.

- Exactly.

And then we got home and Joey was really pissed off

and he text him saying,

"Look, that's it, our friendships over,"

blah blah blah,

"I could have sorted it out if it was just a pure argument

"but you were just throwing lies into the mix."

- You and Joey have a strong relationship.

You don't really have those kinds of problems.

you don't really have trust issues with each other.

- If you haven't got trust in a relationship,

how far can it go?

- It's almost like he's brainwashed her

into being like, this person where she just sits indoors,

Mario goes out,

she waits for him comes back,

looks after the dog.

Do you reckon they're ever going to get married?

- I don't know.

[mellow indie music]

- I'm still pissed off about the other night.

It's our engagement party,

we was having a really, really lovely night--

- I don't get why they turned up.

- I hate confrontation but Sam's a friend so it was harder.

It's literally probably the worst row I've ever had.

- With Joey I see him as a friend

but to turn around and call me a Capri Sun,

which I don't even understand what that even means.

- What was that? Like, what does that mean?

- I don't know.

I think Joey thinks he likes to make words up.

He text me afterwards saying,

"oh, don't ever talk to me again you scumbag."

I said;

"I'm not accusing you of anything," I said,

"I've heard rumours, if the rumours aren't true Joey,

"then you've got nothing to worry about."

- The thing is that's the thing around here,

if they've done something wrong it will come out

- Exactly, Essex is a very small place.

[hip-hop music]

- Sam's saying that Mario's cheated on Lucy,

Mario's saying that Sam's cheated on Joey.

Oh my lord.

- And if James cheated on me I would not look back.

I would not acknowledge him in the street if I see him.

That would be it.

- Well I'd just say,

"You've lost the best thing you ever had Rick.

"See ya later."

- The thing is, the problem is here is that with James,

there is a lot of feelings and emotions involved.

- It's like, I can tell.

He does, he lights up your life.

- He said to me last night, he said,

"If we're still together in a year's time,

"I do wanna move in with you."

- He is all over you and I can tell the way he looks at you,

the stuff he says,

but you keep getting upset.

He keeps saying things that aren't nice

and he keeps letting you down.

- You know he's on at me all the time,

"Don't wear make up.

"Don't do this, don't do that."

- I know, I've seen him.

- I can't get a Blackberry because he don't want me on BBM.

- Who's he think he is?

- Writing's on the wall.

It's all gonna go wrong.

[upbeat music]

- [Charlie] I am Michael Jackson.

- [Bobby] We're taking the glove today then?

- We're gonna take the glove I think.

I think it could be a good look.

Channel into the M.J.

Do some sports.

- Really teaming with the whole M.J. theme.

- You know when I put a glove on like this.

I just feel like I connect to M.J.

I did a candlelit vigil when he died.

- Sorry I don't know what a vigil is.

I obviously know what candlelight is.

- Like, I had a big picture of him

and we all lit candles

and just sort of put your remembrance.

He inspires me when I was about five years old

I used to dance in front of the Christmas tree.

The flashing lights, the Christmas lights.

I asked for a head mic

and I used to just prance around like M.J.

- All time favourite song, what is it?

- Dirty Diana.

It's about a woman that basically

just had sex with rock stars.

- Not Lady Di?

- [Charlie] No.

- Oh okay good cause I was gonna say, shit.

- Anyway I need to focus

on what I'm going to be wearing for this sports day

'cause I reckon I'm the fittest.

Not only in the looks department.

I think I'm just the fittest cause I'm quite athletic.

- Yeah you're very athletic.

- Interesting to see

what's going to happen to the girls and their tits.

It could be the thing that fantasies are made of.

- Yeah.

[upbeat indie music]

- Right, ready boys.

Sharp volleys down and nice strike into the goalkeeper.

- Can you believe how it's all ended up with me and Gemma?

- I think someone like you needs Gemma.

She's a strong character, you're not.

Stand up, Steve and react.

- I think Gemma's also a bit upset with us

'cause she's got it in her head now like,

that she is my girlfriend 100%.

- And you gotta make a decision either way.

You can't hurt her feelings or mess her around.

- I know that.

- I've told you before.

- but I've always know Gemma as hard Gemma.

You can say anything to her she'll give it back to you.

she'll knock me into size and--

but the thing is I have a bit of banter with her now

or take the mick and have a bit of a laugh

and she starts getting all sensitive.

She starts crying.

- From day 1 she's been sensitive.

She likes you.

- I am also a little bit scared it hasn't been that--

- Sorry Steve, try and catch and hold them there yeah?

Try and get down pole to the palm of the mat.

- I'm scared of falling in love with her

and falling for her the way I did with Lydia

and having that long relationship

and then it ending again.

I dunno if I can go through it again.

- You're worried.

Your biggest problem Arg?

You're worried about what other people think.

- I want Gemma for being Gemma.

I don't want another Lydia, I don't want--

There's plenty of pretty little skinny blonde,

bland people out there

- But why do you keep bringing Lydia up?

- I'm saying, all I'm saying to you is

that I'm worried that Gemma's trying to be Lydia.

- No, no.

Gemma's not trying to be--

Gemma's herself, she's got a strong personality.

- That's what I mean.

There's not many people like Gemma is there?

- Well no, but at the same day.

- Exactly.

That's what I like about her.

- If she loses that weight Arg,

you'll be in trouble mate.

She'll be Marilyn Monroe or...

- Diana Doors.

- That's it, Diana Doors.

Absolute ringer.

- Not Vanessa Feltz

[both laugh]

- Vanessa Feltz is a nice looking lady, not a problem.

- Yeah, it's lucky I didn't say Fern Briton.

[Arg laughs]

[heavy bass music]

- [Billi and Cara] Hi girls.

- Where've you been?

- Tryin'a get our bits sorted for today.

- Oh we was just talkin' about that.

- I'm to wear leggings, converse.

- They're nice.

- [Lauren G] Sort of understated.

Cool.

- [Billi] What's been ga'an on with you?

- I kind of like met someone.

- [Both] Who?!

- Do we know him?

- Might do.

[nervous laughter]

- Stop this right now.

- 100% you know him.

- What does he look like?

- Tom.

- Tom who?!

- Pearce.

- No way!

- We went out to Faces

and we just ended up chatting,

he was asking if I was seeing anyone,

I asked him about him if he was single.

- Did you not ask him about Lauren though?

- Yeah, I said,

"what's going on with you?"

and he said,

"We was never really official anyway so."

he was saying to me,

"I've always liked you.

"It's cos you said no."

and we like, I dunno, kind of like kissed me.

- What like, tongues and everything?

- Shut up I'll get shy!

We stayed in the club for a bit.

A few people came back to mine and we had a party.

- Obviously he must be a good kisser.

- Yeah he is.

- Oh excited!

Love is in the air.

- Don't.

[hip hop music]

- Hello everybody, on this sunny Essex sports day.

[cheering]

Come on everybody!

- That was sick.

How do you do that?

- Did you know that when I was younger,

I used to train for the Olympic squad for England

under 16s gymnastics team.

You need to start stretching, come on!

- Lucy and Mario are over there.

- Do you reckon they're going to be

in the three legged race?

- Yeah they are.

They're against us as well as Jess and Ricky.

All the couples I think.

So Gemma and Arg, that'll be funny.

- Yeah, I don't even care if Arg and Gemma beat us,

as long as we beat them two.

[both laugh]

- What was that?

- To be honest I didn't want to be around them so quick

but its one of them things

that everyone goes to the same thing like we've gotta be.

But I don't wanna be anywhere near them.

I don't want anymore arguments.

I can't be bothered with it.

- I am really good at sports day.

But ive got to tell you now.

I am very competitive.

Very competitive.

You've got to be focused in your own mind and you'll win.

- Yeah, we've gotta be both our minds.

We've gotta put both our minds together

because our legs are gonna be attached.

- Mick, You do throw legendary parties.

Not so sure about this sports theme though.

- What's the point?

Do you know what I mean?

Of sports day?

- Yeah.

- Its like the Olympics but you aint got no royalty.

You know how you love me and Lauren

the best out of everyone at the whole party.

Do you think we can use your toilet

instead of the dusty portaloo?

- What's the matter with them?

- Portaloos aren't the best mick.

- They're not clean.

[orchestral music]

- [Lydia] Who do you wanna win?

- Oh I don't know.

Who do you think would win?

- I think either Tom P or Charlie.

- [Danni] Tom don't-- Yeah, maybe.

- [Lydia] Who do you think?

- I think maybe Tom.

- [Lydia] Who do you want to win?

- Tom.

[giggles]

- Any particular reason you want him to win?

- Cause he's hot.

- We're here to win boys.

So lets get focused, driven.

First one up that 100 yards gets a champagne.

- [Debbie] On your marks!

Get set!

[horn blows]

- [Danni] Go Tom!

[cheering]

- [Debbie] Tom Pearce!

[cheering]

- [Frankie] So Lauren,

why don't you go and give him a big kiss?

- [Lauren] Nah, I'm good I think.

- Well done boys.

Well done!

You need to put a drink in that cup.

- Go on, give us your drink.

- Don't you dare!

You actually going to drink out of that cup?

- My first drink of the day as well.

Been saving myself.

- You haven't had any drink?

What to win?

Dedication.

- It worked though, didn't it?

- Yeah, you did well, well done!

- [Tom P] Sweating now.

- And I just said to Arg is

"I'll let you win sports day."

and I went,

"I'm not partaking in any of it Arg."

I'm just not comfortable wearing tight Lycra.

Arg is going on about loosing weight all the time.

Last night he come round we had Chinese.

Eats a Chinese he went,

"oh I met someone today that knew you.

"They knew you when you was really slim.

"So like, what happened to you?"

Lydia was thin but apparently you cheated on her.

And it really is upsetting me.

- It's like he's knocking your confidence all the time.

It's just making you feel worse for it.

- And that's what I said to him, I said,

"Look, James, I like you with your dodgy teeth.

"Your bushy eyebrows

"And you've got manky toes from the marathon

"but I still like you Arg.

"I adore you as you are."

I am happy and I've always wanted to be with Arg

and now I'm with him,

I'm thinking I don't wanna ruin the relationship

and I'm sort of having to go along with it.

- But Gem, at the end of the day

if he keeps putting you down for something

that you don't wanna be put down about

then you need to put him in his place and tell him.

- Alright Bob.

- [Bob] 'ello babe.

- Hello darling!

How are you?

- How you doin' girls?

- Good, enjoying today?

- Loving it.

Are you running in that Gem?

- I aint running nowhere.

I'm not running for no one.

Even if George Clooney was at the end of this track

he'd have to wait for me.

- You've got to do the three legged race

'cause it's a couples thing.

- Oh I don't wanna do it.

- Do it Gem!

- If I was your boyfriend you and I would be doing it

so you and Arg have to do it.

- You can't miss out this opportunity

to do the three legged race.

- What opportunity?

How is it gonna change my life?

- Its you and Arg, strapped together.

Showing Essex that you are as one.

- [Debbie] Could you step forward please?

Who's gonna compete for the long jump?

[cheering]

Are you ready after the count of three by everybody.

- [Crowd] Three, two, one. GO!

[cheering]

- Good effort mom.

- Five foot, eleven inches.

[cheering]

- [Crowd] Three, two, one. GO!

- I think he went to the end.

- That's what I'm talkin' about!

What are you saying?

- Alright mate?

- Yeah you might wanna give it...

- Give it a couple minutes yeah?

- Yeah.

- [Debbie] And the winner is;

Joey Essex!

[cheering]

- Here's your trophy boy.

- Yes!

- What's going on?

- Joey.

- What you talkin' about its my event?

Wait a second.

- He's just won.

- Wait a second no!

No, this is my thing!

- What?

- I was supposed to do this one.

- What'd ya mean?

- Its my event.

I'm having a go, it's my event.

This is the one I signed up for.

I did this at school at sports day.

Come on just let me have one go.

Give that to Sam.

Give that to Sam.

Give that to Sam.

Joey give that to Sam you haven't won it yet!

- [Debbie] What's happenin'?

- Take it back.

- Why?

- Cause I'm gonna challenge Arg.

[cheering]

- [Crowd] Three, two, one, go!

- He's a show man!

He's a show man.

He's a show man.

- Nine foot, Nine inches!

- [Debbie] James are you ready?

Three--

- Wait, wait, wait!

Just start slow.

The people's champion!

Build up, build up!

Up the tempo, up the tempo!

Fuck sake.

- He slipped, he slipped.

- No, it's all these new rules!

- Three foot, seven inches!

- [Debbie] The winner is the one and only everybody,

Joey Essex!

[cheering]

[drum and bass music]

- [Debbie] This is the much awaited 100 metre girls race.

The girls are very competitive.

- [Charlie] Dani's got big jubblies.

- [Ricky] Wangers.

- [Charlie] They're like huge.

- they're not plastic, they are full on meat.

- Are they real?

- [Ricky] Yes.

- I almost feel like

this prime location's wasted on a gay man though

looking at all these bits.

Reckon there's gonna be a few black eyes

by the end of the this.

- [Charlie] I think LG's looking smoking.

- [Little Chris] Really?

- [Charlie] Yeah.

- You after LG are ya?

- I like her.

- [Little Chris] You little stallion!

- [Charlie] No, I think she's hot.

- [Ricky] Where did all this come from?!

- [Charlie] No I think she's, I think she's hot.

[boys jeer at Charlie]

- I'd probably say Dani out of all of those,

if I'm being honest with you.

- Is there anything going on there?

- [Little Chris] Not that I know of at the minute

but maybe after we've both lost a race

we can console each other.

- [Charlie] This is like what dreams are made of.

- [Lydia] Right, show me how you're gonna run.

[giggling]

You can't pout Lauren!

- [Lauren G] It helps me run!

- You can't worry about pouting!

I'm gonna do this

but then I'm scared that I'm gonna look ugly,

like I actually wanna proper do it.

- That's why you pout, so you don't look ugly.

- Go on the start of the horn girls!

One, two,

[horn]

[cheering]

- [Chloe] Oh my god Lauren,

you've got a red bug in your hair.

- [Lauren P] [gasps] Get it out!

- [Chloe] Get it out.

- [Lauren P] Get it out.

- [Chloe] Oh my god.

- [Mick] Wow, did you see that?

It's gone.

- [Lauren P] Oh my God.

- That was something out of a horror film.

- [Lauren P] It was all up in my sweatband.

[laughter]

- She just had like a tarantula on her head.

- Yeah, I almost died.

- She's really traumatised over there.

- [Mick] I've actually got a tarantula.

- [Chloe] She's been violated.

- [Both] What?!

- [Mick] I've got a pet tarantula.

- I don't understand why you would buy a spider ever.

- It's something that the kids wanted so I got if for them.

But I didn't realise that they live for 70 odd years.

- [girls in unison] Do they?!

- Yeah.

- So when you're in an old people's home,

you're gonna have your spider sat next to ya?

- [Mick] Yeah.

- Someone will always will be older than you.

- [Chloe] He'll have his tarantula here,

his tattoos there, won't he?

- [Mick] I might have a sleeve of tattoos.

- And then ten Rolls Royce's

parked outside the old people's home.

[laughter]

Mick, you're gonna be the funniest old person ever.

- Hello everyone!

In the first lane, we have Jess and Ricky.

Lane two, the lovely Lucy and Mario.

Lane three, Gemma and Arg.

Lane four, my favourites to win, Tom and Lydia.

Lane five, Sam and Joey

and last but not least, Carol and Debbie.

[cheering]

- If we start losing then just carry me.

- Remember, it's the taking part that counts.

- thank you James.

- And it don't matter.

I know you hate sport it's not really your thing.

- Get ready everyone.

- Really, really need to win this, honestly.

- And we will win.

- [Billi] On your marks!

Get set!

[horn]

[cheering]

- Gemma!

What happened!

I'd like to announce the winner of the three legged race;

is Sam and Joey.

[cheering]

- You're just like exploding on me, like, I dunno, I--

- I'm not exploding on you James,

at the end of the day you're having a go at me

because we didn't' win the race.

- Gemma, I don't care if you won the race.

- Yeah but you do, cos you're shouting at me.

- It doesn't matter that we didn't win.

You know how much I love ya.

You know I'm proud of you, that you're my girlfriend

and you look beautiful.

You don't have to be Denise Lewis or...

- [Gemma] Who's Denise Lewis?

- She won an Olympic gold medal.

She's an Olympic gold medalist.

I dunno, it just seems like everything I say at the moment,

I either keep saying the wrong thing or you get offended.

At the end of the day I don't want you to change.

You've got to stop being insecure.

Stop being sensitive at the end of the day--

- No, this is where you're wrong.

I am confident in myself, I've not--

- Be confident in yourself then.

You're not being confident in yourself.

- Because you're knocking it.

I'm not letting it get to me, you're letting it get to you

and I know it's hard for you to turn up here today

and see Lydia and Tom.

- But listen, I've got you.

I've got you to cheer me up.

Stop being silly.

I don't care about them anymore.

I'm moving on now, stop crying.

- Yeah, but you're knocking my confidence.

- [Ricky] I love you.

- I love you too.

- When I say "tug" it begins.

- Gemma come in, come on.

[cheering]

- [Bobby] Three, two, one, tug!

[cheering]

- It's a bit weird though,

with like obviously Lucy around and Sam.

Sam I love to death and I've always got her back

but then Lucy I've always got on really well with

so it's really strange,

the fact that them two aren't talking

and I feel like I'm in the middle.

- Yeah, but...I'm sort of, same thing.

- Lucy confides in me quite a lot,

a lot more than what people think.

She rings me quite a lot and when she's upset she rings me

she asks me for advice

and I feel like at the minute,

I don't believe that she's 100% sure.

- Yeah, but you wouldn't.

Who would be with rumours flying around like that?

- I like Sam a lot and she's a good person

and she wouldn't do this to hurt Lucy

and spite her for no reason.

She'd do it because

she believes whatever's happened has happened.

There's no smoke without fire.

- Of course there is.

- I love Mario to bits, I think--

- No, that's just--

No you and I both know that's not true.

- So are you 100% that Mario hasn't cheated?

- There's plenty of smoke, but no fire.

Listen, he tells me everything, he's just said to me,

"I haven't got a clue what she's talking about."

- [Jess] We've gotta make sure

there's no rumours ever about us.

- [Ricky] There won't be,

'cause there's no fire, there's no smoke.

We're all right.

- There's fire.

- What?

Oh there's fire, oh there's fire!

Don't cos we're in a haystack.

[giggling]

[rock music]

- Here she is.

- Alright, how are you?

How are you doing?

- You had a good day?

- Really good day, you did really well in the race.

- [Charlie] I tried, didn't I?

- [Lauren G] You just, I was thinking,

"oh my god, he's actually a really good runner!"

- Me and Tom Pearce, we were like,

I just knew it was between me and him,

that we were gonna be like the final two.

- You come second, didn't you?

- Came second.

- [Lauren G] You did really well.

- I did, cheers hun.

I've always thought like, you seem such a lovely girl.

- [Lauren G] Aw, thank you.

- Just from like generally seeing you

and you seem like you're happy, right?

- I'm a lot happier than I've ever been to be fair.

- [Charlie] I'm very similar to you in that sort of aspect

in that I'm finding myself at the moment

and I'm like a new born baby.

- Yeah.

- [Charlie] like experiencing what it's all like.

- Me too, yeah.

- It's so exciting for me

- [Lauren G] Yeah.

- [Charlie] I wanna sex up my image a little bit.

- so you wanna feel more sexy?

- [Charlie] I wanna feel a bit more sexy.

- [Lauren G] so you want girls to think you're hot?

- Yeah, yeah.

I wanna show,

'cause I don't think people really know a lot about me,

you know I've got stuff under the bonnet.

If that makes sense?

I'm an engine ready to be revved.

- Okay.

- And I wanna sort of show that

I'm not just this soft, sweet guy.

Maybe we should like try

and spend a bit more time getting to know one another,

if you're up for it,

maybe we should go to the gym together sometime,

go for a coffee or something.

- [Lauren G] Oh okay.

- But there's certain people I get drawn to,

that I just like to get to know.

- [Lauren G] Yeah.

- Informally, no pressure, with nothing.

- Aw, that's really sweet!

- But if you're up for it, I am.

- [Lauren G] Okay.

- [Charlie] Yeah?

- I thought I was intimidating though?

- [Charlie] No.

- Really?

- [Charlie] That draws me to you more.

- Alright guys.

- [Charlie] How you doing man, you all good?

- [Tom P] How's it going people?

- [Lauren G] Alright?

- [Tom P] Alright Charl?

- [Lauren G] Alright babes, you alright?

- [Tom P] yeah was'sap, what's going on?

- [Charlie] What's going on?

Just having a chat.

Lauren's showing me around Essex a little bit more.

- [Tom P] Yeah, you gonna show me around?

- Aw, really?

- I'm only joking.

How's your day been anyway?

- [Lauren G] Yeah really good.

You's two were like really competitive in the race.

- [Tom P] It was a close one mate, weren't it?

- [Charlie] We did well though didn't we?

- [Lauren G] Yeah, it was close

but your faces were like comedy.

- Why, what was my face like?

- On that note I'm actually gonna go guys alright?

I'm gonna go and see Bobs.

- Oh okay.

- [Tom P] Alright mate cool.

- [Lauren G] Alright babes, see ya later.

- Was I interrupting something there?

- No, why?

- [Tom P] Just wondering.

- Getting jel?

- [Tom P] Nah.

- Really?

- Why would I be getting jel?

- [Lauren G] Dunno.

- I still can't believe we didn't win.

Me and Lucy did so bad in the three legged race,

all she did was scream the whole way down the track.

[giggling and screaming]

- I actually come first in the sprint.

- [Everyone] no, you didn't!

- [Lydia] You come fifth.

- I come fourth you liar! Lauren come fifth!

- [Tom K] They've come fourth.

- [Little Chris] Your arse came fifth.

[laughter]

- [Arg] I didn't win anything.

- [Joey] I wonder why.

- [Sam] You have to have the strategy.

You have to like, you know?

- No, I don't think I was mentally prepared.

- Mentally prepared for a three legged race?

- Or physically prepared.

I've been through a lot today, you don't realise,

I've lost three races.

- I'll get the blame for that later.

- And I've had a tiff with her again.

You know what you can't win everything,

do you know what I mean?

- [Diags] You can lose everything.

- [Arg] I've won Gemma.

[laughter]

- [Billie] I knew he was gonna say that!

- [Little Chris] I thought the funniest part of today was

him and Gemma just having a massive argument.

- I've never seen people argue so much in my life

- [Mario] I've never seen someone argue

over a three-legged race!

- [Danni] Where's Lucy, Mario?

- Where is Luce?

- She's not here, she's gone.

- [Danni] Why?

- Because this is the first time

that she's sort of been round Sam

since sort of everything happened at the engagement party.

I think it's actually upsetting her.

I think it's actually affecting her more than she thought.

- Mate, I didn't even realise that you'd invited them?

- We didn't.

- [Tom K] Would you say anything to them now,

like after obviously having a think about it?

- The thing is like I said,

we don't want it to be like this.

We wanna be friends with them.

You know in a few weeks time or whenever,

a few months, you never know.

- That's really nice mate spending today with you

and obviously being in a hot tub after our conversation.

- Come here!

- Come here big guy!

[laughter]

- Arg sent me a text the other day saying he loved me.

- [Joey] Shut up!

- [Sam] Did you now?

- Yes.

- [Sam] So now you say you love each other!

- [Gemma] Yeah.

- Oh my God, the ducks are having sex!

That's a sign, mate the ducks having sex!

Proper doing it!

- [Arg] At least someone's getting some tonight eh Diags!

- Aw, mate I'm so jealous.

Has anyone seen Tom?

- I wanted to do that all day.

- Come and do it again then.

- [Voiceover] Next time on The Only Way is Essex:

Will Lucy and Mario make up with Joey and Sam?

Will Arg stop making Gemma cry?

And for God's sake, get a room!

Who knows, these people are real

and anything can happen on The Only Way is Essex.