Original subtitles

- [Denise] This programme contains a humongous row,

a massive clanger and a slightly above average-sized penis.

The tans you see might be fake

but the people are all real, although some of what they do

has been set up purely for your entertainment.

[men chant]

Previously, on "The Only Way Is Marbs".

- Make me happy and be my girlfriend.

- Okay.

[screams]

[men laugh]

- That's savage.

[crowd cheer] - I'm hoping you'll make me

the luckiest man in the world and marry me.

- My God.

- I might not be a size 10 but I've got a good heart.

- [Arg] Gemma.

- So take that and kiss that.

[crowd cheers]

- We're engaged!

[crowd cheer]

- Lucy obviously doesn't know

any of the rumours that's gone on.

[upbeat music]

♪ The only way is up baby

♪ For you and me now

[upbeat music]

- Oh my God, everyone is reading this book.

Is it really dirty?

- Yeah, it is dirty.

- Is it? - It is.

It's the first book I've ever read, though.

[Lucy laughs]

- Your first book with so much sex,

says a lot about you, Luce.

- Lyd!

[both laugh]

- Like what do you do if people stare at you

like when you're reading it?

- To be honest Lyd, I only read it at home.

I haven't really been out, Lyds.

- I've hardly seen you since Marbs.

Like have you planned everything,

started looking at dresses?

- No.

- [Lydia] Are you getting married in England

or abroad, though?

- I have no idea.

Lyd, I don't know any of this stuff.

I have absolutely no idea.

- What, you haven't planned nothing?

- No, none, nothing.

I haven't even gone out and bought a wedding magazine

or anything yet.

- Do you wanna get married?

- Yeah.

- There was hesitation there.

- I do but I'm a bit scared.

I'd quite happily say we'll get married in five years

but I don't think that's what Mario wants.

I don't physically wanna go out and start planning it,

I don't want to, I just can't be bothered.

I haven't shaved my legs for two weeks.

- That's disgusting.

- That's filth, innit?

- You've shaved down there though, right?

- Dunno.

- Oh, Luce!

[both laugh]

Poor Mario!

[gentle acoustic music]

[hits wrong note]

- Joey, I've never noticed someone to only not improve,

you've got worse.

- Yeah but everyone says like, what's it go,

"learning makes perfect"?

- No practise makes perfect.

- Practise makes perfect but obviously it doesn't, does it?

- Where have you been? I haven't seen you since Marbella,

you're so loved up it's like [laughs].

- What, you're loved up as well.

I've been going out, I don't know, I've been going out,

I've been going out every single night.

- I actually do miss you a little bit.

- I miss you too, mate.

- You've done the same thing, Arg,

every single five seconds, you're away

in a different country, mate.

- Honestly boys, now I've found Gemma,

I'm literally, you know, I'm pretty happy.

- What's going on then?

You an item, you a couple, what?

- Listen, I mean, I don't know.

I just feel a bit scared to make it official.

You know, for her to be my girlfriend

or, I just think I just wanna play things out, see,

go with the flow and you know, just.

- So, how's your sex life?

You're shagging all the time, aren't you? [all laugh]

- You know when we was in Turkey?

- Yeah.

[all laugh]

- Well, I went out to see her in Turkey, didn't I?

And let's just say, the Mediterranean Sea

has never been the same since.

[all laugh]

Only, you know what, she's really demanding.

- What do you mean?

What do you mean by demanding?

- [Tom] She wants it all the time.

- She's just constantly like now, now, please, more.

- That's what you want, innit?

- Listen, I thought I was an animal,

I thought I was like this horny animal.

I can't, it's hard to keep up with her,

it's hard to satisfy her.

- 'Cause you've only got a little [whistles].

- Listen, I haven't got a little,

you boys have seen my willy and you know it's small.

And you know it's not small!

[all laugh]

And you know it's not small and you know it's not small!

Right, I am gonna prove,

this is how I know it's not small, okay?

I went on the internet

and I typed in average penis size for a man

and I'm above average.

- So you got some of that candy?

[all laugh]

- Listen, the candy was just for starters, trust me.

You'll have to call me Willy Wonka

because it's fucking all over the whole fucking factory.

[all laugh]

- Lyd, you look so happy,

you're like literally glowing.

You're not pregnant, are ya?

- No, definitely not.

Bloody hell.

Tom is literally perfect and I love him.

He's just so beautiful as well.

- You love him, did you just say you love him?

- Yeah [laughs].

- You said you love him?

- We said "I love you" to each other, as well.

- [Lucy] What, in Paris?

- No, no, we said it just before.

- You're so cute at the moment.

- He obviously knew that I had quite a lot of trust issues

from my previous relationship

and was like, "here we go, these are my phones,

"this is my password for this phone.

"It's like I don't want you to ever feel like

"you can't trust me."

[Lucy clears throat]

- Do you know what, I'm hoping tonight

will really get me in the mood for it all

because at the moment I'm so not.

- Have you invited everyone?

- I have invited everyone I like, let's just say that.

- So who haven't you invited?

- I haven't invited Sam.

- Haven't you?

- No.

Sam's not whiter than white and neither's Joey

but it's the fact that she brought it up

when we just got engaged

and she sort of tarnished it straight away.

- Yeah.

- But do you know what, I'm just in a weird place, Lyd.

Everyone's gonna wanna ask me,

what's your wedding gonna be like,

what's your dress gonna be like and I'm just not ready,

I'm not ready for all the questions.

- I think I've got everything now, Carol.

Bikinis, my tops.

What I haven't got, I'm just gonna buy there.

- Yeah, I know.

- I'm only going to Italy, I'm not going to Cambodia.

I just can't wait.

- Oh, I bet you can't.

There she is.

- Come on, we've been waiting here for you!

- You need learning plates on that.

- I can only go as quick as the thing can go,

my little car.

- Oh there, look, just so we can put all our stuff.

- She's getting used to it, yeah, come on.

- Here, now don't bleeding come here.

- [Debbie] That's all right. - How am I gonna drive?

- We'll see you later, we're gonna go and do a bit more.

[all laugh]

- Come on, keep up, keep up.

- Oh bloody hell, here we go.

- Honk honk.

- We won't keep up with her, let her go.

- [Debbie] I worry about her, you know.

- [Carol] No, she's all right.

- Yeah but she can't drive.

- She's fine.

- The engagement was so like big and flash,

we wanna keep this more low-key.

- Have you got to the bottom of all them rumours yet?

- Here's the thing, Sam hasn't come to me and Lucy

and apologised, if you said something out of line

about someone, you'd come and apologise.

- Yeah.

- We haven't got to speak to her but I don't know,

I just think the audacity to say it

the day we got engaged, moments after.

- Yeah, it's not nice.

- I think it says a lot about someone.

I think the thing that makes it worse,

is the fact that Sam and Lucy have been friends

since they were little but, oh well.

- So have you thought about the stag yet?

And what you're actually gonna do?

That's the best man's job, actually.

- That's another palaver as well.

- Why, what's going on?

- Well, I've got two options, obviously,

I've got Little Chris.

- Yeah.

- And I've got my brother-in-law but with Little Chris.

- Tom?

- Yeah, with Tom, yeah.

- So you're torn between those two as best man?

- I'm torn between those two 'cause Tom's,

obviously I've known Tom 14 years

and I've been literally, I've grown up with him

so he has always been there when things have happened

with Luce, he was there.

With Little Chris, I've known him for 12 years

and literally, there's not been a day in that 12 years

that we haven't spoken

but recently, he's just sort of disappeared.

- Has he?

- Yeah, he only texts me if he wants something.

- But out of those two, do you think

Chris is expecting to be the best man?

- I think Chris is expecting it, yeah.

But I think, what do you think I should do?

- Dunno, you've really gotta go with your heart, mate,

and what's that telling you

and who do you think's gonna be there for you.

- Yeah, I know, I'll have to think on it, there's no rush.

- Maybe both of them.

- Maybe. - One and a half men, eh?

- [Mario] One and a half men.

[both laugh]

- Oh my God, we went to Turkey,

he flew four and a half hours on a plane

just to get my candy.

- [Billi] So Gem, has he got a big one?

That's what we wanna know.

- Billie!

- Let's use that, is it big or small?

- Oh my God.

- It's the question on all our lips,

Gem, we need to know this.

- I've got a picture, I'll show you.

- No, what I wanna know is it official?

- He has asked me to be his girlfriend,

he wears my dressing-gown,

we've talked about our baby's name.

- It's very serious, then?

[upbeat music]

- I'm over the moon that obviously, they're engaged.

- [Bobby] A year and I reckon Lucy is gonna be.

- [Little Chris] Popping them out.

- Best looking kids in Essex, as well.

- Not necessarily, two good-looking people

might have a right little ugly sprog.

- Yeah, I've heard this, two mingers make a fit baby

and I've heard two fit people make a minger.

- [Little Chris] Really?

- Yeah.

- So, I bet you've have started writing an amazing speech?

- I'd imagine he's gonna ask me 'cause I am his best mate

and it would mean a lot to me

because we've been through literally everything.

I mean, Mario had to come down to the sex clinic with me.

One time when I slept with a bit of a,

you know, a wrong 'un.

He was like holding my hand all the way down there

and, you know, obviously,

he couldn't come in the room with me

but like when they were squatting it down there,

up and down, you know, he could hear me screaming.

Like he was the first one to put like an arm around me.

So we have literally been through everything, you know.

The things I've got in store for that young man

for his stag do and the speech.

I won't be too horrible though,

to him, d'you know what I mean? 'Cause it it their day.

- I was sunbathing, right, thinking,

"oh, I'm getting all brown and that".

Next thing you know, ching, ching,

Arg comes through and basically sends a picture of himself.

- What, naked? - Right.

- [Sam] Let me see.

- He is so cheeky.

- Oh my God, you're not letting me have a look.

Has he shaved his pubes?

Oh my God!

- What did you do when he sent you that?

- So, I can't believe how up-front he is, can you?

I was sitting there, I was like "oh my God".

- That is so funny.

- We've got a lot in common.

We've discovered Twisters are our favourite ice lollies,

we love those.

- I love a Twister, yeah.

- We both love singing.

- You and Arg, I'm sorry,

yous two are the power couple at the moment.

- We are the new Posh and Becks.

- You are.

- And Arg likes pie and mash, like Becks.

The boys are taking us out, as you know, tonight.

- I know, they're taking us out tonight.

- They have planned this double date but it better be good.

- No matter what it is, I just can't wait

to see you and Arg together, it's been so long,

can't wait to see yous both together.

- Oh look, there's Lucy and Lydia.

How rude.

- Can you believe Lucy just walked past and ignored you?

She's fuming with you, you was only looking out for her,

you've heard he's been cheating.

- Yeah, right, the thing is, everyone--

- [Gemma] Girls have gotta stick together.

- Can I just say, everyone is saying it,

everyone talks about it.

Lucy dragged me in the toilet, crying.

"He's doing it again, he's emailing girls."

So one minute, she wants me to be her friend

and there for her, five minutes later, I walked out

of the room and she's sitting on his lap snogging him.

So one minute, I'm the friend and one minute, I'm the enemy.

I was only trying to look out for her.

Now, I'm not invited to the engagement, I really don't care

but that's how petty it is, it's so childish.

- James and I are invited to the engagement

but I'm a little bit hurt that she said

that the thought of us two having sex makes her feel sick.

- Yeah, why would she invite yous two to the engagement

if she's saying things like that behind your back?

- It's just like--

- She is acting like a silly little girl,

I'm not being funny but do you know what,

let them get on with it. - Are you bothered?

- I really, I do not give a flying shit.

[upbeat music]

- Hi, you all right?

- How are you?

- Good, you?

- Yeah, not too bad.

- What are you up to, what you doing here?

- Just thought I'd come and see you at work.

- Aw.

- That's nice.

- Like it?

- So when d'you reckon

you're gonna model these for me then, eh?

- Rick.

- What [mumbles]?

- Easy, Rick.

- Oh hello, are you all right?

- What are you doing here?

- Just some stock check.

- Yeah, I can see that, yeah.

- There you go, helping you out.

- What, you're just passing?

- Just popped by to see if she needed or wanted anything.

- Where yous two going tonight?

- We're going for engagement drinks, Lucy and Mario.

- Don't keep her out too long.

- No, never, course not.

- Bye.

- See you later.

- Thanks, Dad.

- See you later.

- What happened on that couch last night, was it all right?

- Yeah, it was comfortable, it was nice.

- See you later.

- See you later.

[both laugh]

- Could have pre-warned me.

- Oh my God, oh my God.

- My legs are shaking. - Have I gone bright red?

- Yes, he makes me shake, like "The Godfather", you know,

[mumbles] no, seriously, he's.

- No, he isn't.

- But no, he's a good, I like him.

[upbeat music]

[knuckles rap]

- Coming, Pops.

Wasn't expecting to see you. - [Tom] On your way out?

- Yeah.

- I ain't see you in two weeks, what you been doing?

- I've just been busy working.

- [Tom] Yeah? - What have you been doing?

- I've been on holiday, ain't I?

And now we're back

and we're gonna start bumping into each other a lot more

and I just wanted to make sure it weren't awkward as shit

next time we see each other.

- You're now making it awkward, though, by turning up.

- I know, yeah, well, I tried to ring you

and you didn't, well, it didn't get through.

I just wanna clear the air. - Okay.

- You was just confusing me, with the texting and things,

we was speaking, then nothing would ever happen.

- I think it was always only ever gonna be,

it was never gonna be anything serious, was it?

I just don't think it would have worked out.

'Cause we're never gonna be boyfriend and girlfriend.

- No?

- I think it's just too much of an age gap.

- You can't use it as an excuse of why it wouldn't work.

- Yeah, yeah and I know that, but also I kept getting emails

from girls, saying that

you've been sleeping with them and whatever.

- Yeah, but Lauren, we weren't together.

- I don't really wanna be with a guy that's out

shagging random girls in clubs.

- First night in Marbella,

didn't you leave the club with another geezer?

- No!

- [Tom] No?

- Not like that.

- But no, that's fine, it's obviously not gonna work out.

- I don't want it to be awkward between us.

So, we're friends?

- Friends.

But anyway, have fun.

- [Lauren] Thank you.

- I'll speak to you later, all right?

- Yeah, see you later.

- [Tom] Take care.

- Bye.

[door clicks]

[Italian music]

[Arg exclaims]

- [Joey] What's going on?

- Oh my God, it's actually the first time

I've seen you both together.

- Thank you, Arg.

- You all right, guys?

- You two look lovely.

- Yeah, you look great together.

- Thank you.

- You look really smart.

- Anyone would think we'd have an engagement party to go to.

[Arg laughs]

- Is it mad, seeing us two together, though?

- Yeah, I love it.

- Hello, you all right?

[Enzo mumbles]

What d'you want, Arg? - [Sam] I'm a little bit late.

- Can we get the ribs and calamari for starters.

And then for our mains, Gemma, what d'you want?

- Can I have calf's liver, please?

With dolcelatte sauce on the side?

- What you getting, what liver?

- You'll like that but you like, do you like liver or not?

- [Arg] No, no, no.

- No, forget the liver.

- No, you have that.

- No 'cause you don't like it

and I know you like to eat my dinner.

- No, I'm not sharing with you for my mains.

You can have your own main, I'll have my own main.

- [Gemma] But are you sure?

- Yes, we don't have to same of everything, Gemma.

- Are you sure?

- We can have different food, yeah.

- All right, calf's liver then, please, thank you.

- Can I have the--

- No bacon, I can't bear the bacon on top.

- Can I have the scallops for starter, please?

- Can I have a fillet steak, can I have it with.

- Medium.

- Yeah, medium.

- I know how you like it, peppercorn sauce.

- With peppercorn sauce and I can I have it with.

- You want vegetables.

- Vegetables.

- And he wants saute potatoes.

- Yes please, thank you.

- And have you got chocolate cheesecake

'cause that's he loves for dessert.

- Can I have a fillet steak with spinach and vegetables?

- [Enzo] Okay?

- Thank you, cheers.

- Thank you, Enzo.

[upbeat music]

- I bet for you, this is kind of such a lovely thing,

to be at your best mate's engagement party

and see him like proper be happy.

- Yeah, no, it's lovely, mate.

- Ching, ching.

- Ching ching, man.

- You all right?

- Jess!

- [Jess] Thanks for having us.

- Ricky.

- Could be yous two next.

- You never know.

[crowd chatter]

- I thought, "what can I get Mario", I thought like,

I've been best mates with Mario for 13 years.

- Yeah.

- [Little Chris] I was like a bottle of champagne

ain't gonna cut it.

- No.

- D'you know what I mean so obviously,

I've kinda put a little book together

but where it has taken me so much time

to get all the pictures and everything together,

I haven't had a chance to, you know,

talk to him or even see him.

- [Bobby] D'you know what, that's such a lovely idea, innit?

[Bobby laughs]

- Obviously and I think, he'll, I know mate.

The first picture is priceless, isn't it?

Look at that.

- [Bobby] See, I kind of thought Mario

would have been hot all his life.

- Nah, mate, quite the opposite.

You know he used to have braces and headgear.

- What, like Forrest Gump?

- [Little Chris] Yeah, I do warn you Bob,

some of these are a bit explicit.

- [Bobby] Sounds like my kind of photo album, mate.

- I only found one photo of Lucy, though.

Yeah, can you believe that her pants are showing,

her underwear?

- She ain't gonna like that, her Alan Wickers hanging out.

That is funny and it's not like

we've put it on like the internet, is it?

- Nah, nah, nah, nah, no.

- Let's see the ring.

- Oh my God, you haven't seen it?

- No!

- [gasps] I thought "everyone's seen it now".

- Aw, it's beautiful. - Beautiful.

- Isn't it lovely, it's small, innit?

I'm joking!

[all laugh]

- I'm like "what?"

- You've gotta say that thing, ain't ya,

wish you well to wear it. - [Lucy] What is it?

- Old people say, "wish you well to wear it."

That's what they used to say to me when I was engaged.

- You were engaged?

- You were engaged?

- Yeah, for five years.

- On that note.

- I feel like when you give it to him it's gonna be like

"this is your life, have it".

- This is from the best man.

- Yeah, well, he hasn't actually said to me

that I'm the best man yet.

- See, I find that quite weird

because Lydia's a bridesmaid so I know she's been asked.

- Are you serious?

- Did you not know that?

- No, I didn't know that Lydia has been made a bridesmaid.

- [Bobby] Yeah.

- Does that mean I've gotta dance with Lydia?

- Dunno, that's if you're the best man [laughs].

- D'you know what he did to me the other day,

I was nearly died. Right, gets up in the morning, he goes

"can you open the window, I'm hot".

Goes to the window, I had a thong on.

He goes to me "shall we start our diets today?"

- How cruel is that? - What? [all laugh]

- Who do you think me and Gemma look like,

like celebrity-wise?

- Britney Spears. - Who d'you think, thank you.

[Arg laughs]

- No, you look a little bit, I reckon,

a cross between Diana Dors and Vanessa Feltz.

[laughs] I'm joking.

- That is so lame.

- I've told her before.

- No, can I say that I really like Vanessa Feltz

- [Joey] I don't know who they are.

- So do I, yeah.

- I think she's lovely.

- Are you joking, Gem?

- It's good, no, darling, it's just 'cause he's nervous

and he's showing off in front of Joey.

- [Arg] No, Joey, it is, yeah, sometimes.

- It's a boy thing.

- Sometimes you can have banter with Gemma

and sometimes she can't take it.

[laughs] I was joking.

- [Sam] She's upset.

- Shut up, Sam.

- [Sam] Give her a kiss and tell her you're joking.

- No, Vanessa Feltz is out of order.

- [Joey] Why you making, why are you making her cry for?

- She's not even funny.

- [Arg] Stop being stupid, you look beautiful tonight.

I told you, you look stunning.

- Okay, let's just have a good night.

- Stop creeping and just say sorry and that's it.

- I'm sorry.

- All right, let's have a good night, let's just leave it.

- Come on, leave it now.

[party music] ♪ Turn the spotlight up ♪

♪ And get dirty on this stuff

♪ Breaking down the doors

♪ This is my revelation

♪ Baby you're jamming it to an A ♪

- [Danni] How are you?

- [Debbie] Look at this loved up couple.

- I know, you're so cute together.

- I just absolutely adore him, he's lovely.

- Aw, you are lovely, I approve.

- [Lydia] I think we need to set you up with someone, Dan.

- Yes, you need a man, Dan.

- I'm texting someone, I'm not sexing anyone.

- Okay, who is it?

Does it begin with S, S, S?

- S?

- S.

- No.

- Okay, give me the letter.

- I've gotta think what the letter begins with.

- Oh my God, Dan.

- [Debbie] You can't spell, Lydia.

- T!

- It better not be him.

[all laugh]

- [Debbie] T, Tom? - Is it Tom?

- Tom Pearce?

- As friends I think, us texting, yeah.

- Is it friends or friends?

- Or do you feel like a tinge when he texts you?

- Mum!

- Tinge where?

- I weren't talking about your vaginal area.

- You never say "tinge", you say "butterflies".

- She really likes him.

- But do you fancy him, yes or no?

- Yes.

- She's getting butterflies.

- I've got to admit one thing, Arg, we saw a picture of you.

- What do you mean, you saw a picture of me?

- Right, I hope you don't mind

but I have seen a picture of Arg's willy.

- Oh what, why did you show them, Gemma?

- Shut up, the girls said to me

"how is Arg, is he hung like a donkey?"

And I didn't wanna discuss it so I just went

"judge for yourself" and showed them the picture.

- What did you think?

[all laugh]

What's your opinion?

- We ain't really looked at it, it's a bit weird

'cause you're my friend

and I didn't really wanna look at it but--

- But it was adequate, yeah?

- It was fine.

[Arg laughs]

- [Arg] Sorry, Gem.

- All that matters is my opinion

and what I think and if you're doing it right,

if you're not doing it right, game over.

- Am I doing it right? - Yeah.

[Arg laughs]

Arg has asked me to be his girlfriend.

- [Joey] Really?

- Have you?

- [Joey] Shut up, when was that?

- Like ages ago, he asked me.

- You said you didn't even discuss

your relationship being official and that

and he went "no, we ain't talked about it yet".

- No, I just said we haven't definitely,

we haven't put a definition

that we are definitely boyfriend and girlfriend,

just sort of feels that way, we haven't said [mumbles],

well, we sort of have.

- You asked Gemma to be your girlfriend.

- I haven't said to you now, I haven't said

"Gemma, will you be my girlfriend?"

Even though I want you to be my girlfriend.

- And this is one thing he didn't wanna talk about

at the table, as well.

- James, you've asked me twice.

- Okay, no, I have, no, I have, look, we've talked,

we've sort of briefly spoke about it,

we haven't made it official.

No, I've said we haven't made it official, have we?

Oh, Gemma, Joey, man.

- Oh, shut up.

- All right, course you're my girlfriend,

I'm proud that you're my girlfriend, come here.

I'm proud that you're my girlfriend, you're being stupid.

- He told me that, are you joking?

- [Arg] Why did you bring that up, I told you

"don't bring it up at the table".

- Oh my God, you told me not to bring it up about yous two.

- Gemma, I told you, don't bring--

- And you've been talking about it the whole time.

- [Sam] Oh, come on.

- I dunno.

- James, you've asked me twice.

- Why does it matter, why does it matter?

- But just say to Joey.

- [Arg] Yes, Gemma's my girlfriend,

I'm proud that she's my girlfriend.

- [Joey] Sorted out, yeah?

[classical music]

- Shall we go for a little freshen up in the loo,

a bit of zhoosh?

- Yeah, come on.

- Be good, yous two.

- [Gemma] I'm finding myself a hot new man.

- [laughs] Shut up.

- Yeah, so what's going on?

Is it all good, is it all nice with her?

- Mate, it's brilliant.

- What, so you get blow jobs and stuff like that, do ya?

[Arg laughs]

- Well obviously, I think you'd be pretty unlucky

if you had a girlfriend

who didn't give you a blow job, wouldn't ya?

- Gemma actually gives you blow jobs?

- Yes, obviously.

Don't Sam give you?

- Yeah, course, but I thought, it's different, innit?

- No, it ain't different, what's different?

Just because me and Gemma are big, doesn't mean

we don't do the same things you and Sam do.

- Who goes on top?

[Arg laughs]

Honestly, honestly,

tell me the truth, tell me the truth, man.

- It's just good, trust me.

- [Joey] Mate, she's 32, you're only 24, well weird.

- She's 31.

- Well weird, well weird.

- It's not well weird, it's only seven years difference,

there's eight difference between my mum and dad.

- That's disgusting.

- It's not disgusting, age is just a--

- [Joey] That is absolutely [mumbles].

- Listen, when you get to me and you know, you've had,

you know, you've had girlfriend experience

and all that, you come to realise that age

is just a number and personality means more than looks.

- Yeah, they're coming.

- What, d'you think she's in love me?

- Yeah, amazingly, she's on with you and you're happy

so just leave it as that.

- Hey.

- What are yous two talking about?

- Just having a bit of boys' chitchat, you know.

- Nothing really, just about this meal's well nice.

[pensive music]

- How you doing, geez?

Where have you been hiding, haven't seen ya.

- Gotta mingle man, gotta mingle, engagement party.

- I'll be honest with you, mate,

when we was at school, I never imagined

you'd be the first one engaged.

- No, neither did I, to be honest with you,

I used to always say at school

I'd be the one that never get married.

- That's changed, are you a changed man now?

- I am mate, it's weird, so weird.

- Have you thought about the wedding at all?

'Cause I heard that Lucy had made Lydia bridesmaid,

hasn't she?

- Hasn't been spoken about with me, but I dunno.

- Oh bloody hell, have you even thought about like,

best man yet or not really?

- I'm not sure, I don't know who I'm gonna choose.

When I first got engaged, it was like,

in my mind, I was pretty certain,

you know, pretty sure that it would be you,

but where I haven't really heard from you

and I only sort of hear from you now

when you want something.

- [Little Chris] Yeah.

- I just sort of think oh, well,

is it right for him to be my best man?

The way it's been the way it has,

when I sort of sit there and think,

"right" so then I've started analysing what I think

"is Chris true enough to be my best man?"

Because the thing is with best man,

you're not just the best man to me

but you're there for me if anything happens

and you're there for Lucy if anything happens.

And I just think, are you mature enough for that,

are you ready for that, are you ready to do that?

That's a big responsibility,

are you ready to do the big speech in front of my family,

without you coming out with something like you normally do?

- I've got a present for you.

Have a little look through that, mate.

[pensive music]

I'm gonna shoot back to the bar

'cause obviously, I've left Bobby standing by himself

but you know I love you, all right?

- Love you, man, thank you, mate,

cheers, appreciate it, see you soon.

- Congratulations.

- Ta, mate.

- Me and Mario have got on a little bit better recently.

Obviously, you know,

us three have been invited, sorry, Sam but like--

- I've been NFI'd.

- And obviously, we're not gonna leave you, Sam,

we'd never do it in a million years

but don't you feel that maybe

we should at least just pop in,

show our faces and then leave?

- What does NFI'd mean?

- Not fucking invited.

- [Gemma] Who said that?

- No one, I'm saying I have been NFI'd.

If yous wanna go, it's fine.

- I know I'm your girlfriend now but she's my friend.

- Why don't us four go outside the engagement party,

me and Joey walk in, say hello and walk out.

- No, no, I'm not walking in.

- Why?

- Because he ain't invited my two best mates,

he ain't invited my girlfriend

so pretty much he's saying, "you're not coming either".

Skeen, innit?

- Right, never in a million years

I'm gonna walk into that party

but I want us four to enjoy our night

so if you have to go in and pay your respects,

do it, we'll wait outside, then we'll go out after.

Do you wanna do that?

- Yeah.

- I think yous two should go in together

'cause you're like a new couple,

everyone will be like "whoa".

- Whoa, here's Arg and Vanessa Feltz.

[all laugh]

- I can't believe yous even wanna go

after what she said about you.

- Lucy did say the thought of you and I making love

made her feel sick, I think it's all bullshit.

Let's be happy for them, put our differences aside,

we're gonna rock up, happy anniversary, see ya later.

- Yeah but we could have done that.

- Stay away from the buffet 'cause you'll be there an hour.

At the end of the day, our loyalties are with these.

- I know that, if you two go outside, it's done and dusted.

[Gemma coughs]

You all right?

[Sam laughs]

- I'm a bit drunk.

- Ugh! - Oh, mate!

[party music]

♪ RIP to the girl you used to see ♪

♪ Her days are over

- I wonder if Lucy and Mario have actually

set a date for their wedding? - I don't think they have.

I don't even think they've started

looking for wedding venues or anything yet.

Me and Billi have been looking at venues, haven't we?

We're having like a christening.

- Why, are you born again Christians?

- No, I don't think that's what that means.

- Why would you get christened?

- Well, we found out, you can't get married

in a church unless you're a Christian.

- So you're gonna dip your own heads in the bowl?

- No.

- You're only doing it 'cause you wanna have a party,

you're such fucking liars.

[both laugh]

You just wanna wear a white dress and have a party.

- Would be good, though.

Well, were not getting married anytime soon

so we thought we might as well get christened.

[women laugh]

[party music] ♪ I'm young and free ♪

- You look gorgeous, Bob.

- It's very sophisticated, isn't it?

♪ It's gonna be giving us time to drink ♪

♪ Slow and steady for me

- What a night.

- I keep farting, I think I've been over-eating. [all laugh]

- You are mad. - So what are you doing,

I'm gonna wait here with Sam.

- Listen, why don't you just pop in

just for five minutes, show your face.

- No.

- No, as if.

- No one will care.

- Are you joking me, I'm not invited,

he's not gonna come in with yous two.

- She ain't invited.

- We'll be 10 minutes, we won't be long.

- Five minutes.

- All right.

- Just go.

- All right, I'll see you in five.

- Go on, go on, son.

- See you in a minute. - Quick.

- Oh, oi, show me a picture of Vanessa Feltz.

- Do you not know who she is? - No, just Google it.

- Wahay!

- [Mario] Oh, they made it.

- Congratulations, so happy for you.

- Congratulations, mate.

- You all right, Luce?

- You look lovely.

- Oh, so do you. - Aw, thanks for coming, guys.

- We would not have missed this for the world, would we?

- No, course not, you know, obviously, we wanted to pop in

and you know, show our respects and that and also you know,

I wanna start building some bridges don't I, so.

- Show your respects, no one's died, Arg.

[all laugh]

Pay your respects.

- Aw, thanks for coming, though.

- We appreciate you both anyway,

do you wanna get a drink or anything?

- Do you know what, we'd love to stay for a drink

but we can't 'cause Joey and Sam are waiting for us outside.

- It's a bit awkward for us, obviously

because, you know, Sam wasn't invited was she, so.

- The thing is right, she's my old friend

but you know what, I feel like she tarnished our engagement

and she hasn't said sorry since

and I think it could have been resolved before,

she would have been able to come.

- But listen anyway, you know we're here so, you know.

- Why don't you just go and have a drink at the bar, yeah?

- Have one drink guys, some champagne.

- Yeah go on, we'll have a drink, won't we, Gem?

- Yeah. - Come on.

- Enjoy your Mario. - It's on me, of course.

[Lucy laughs]

- It's weird, it is weird because I don't think

I'd ever organise anything like this

and not have invited her. - Yeah, it is a little bit.

- That's what the weird thing is and like.

- I think, it's one of those things

that just keeps dragging on, needs to be resolved.

I think we can go downstairs now

and we can just have a talk with them

and just sort it out, once and for all.

- Sort it out and invite them in?

- Yeah, sort it out, invite them in, that's what I want.

Shall we go downstairs and talk to them, then?

- Yeah.

- Come on, babe, after you.

- Let's hope it ends well [laughs].

- [laughs] Oh my God, that is a ringer.

- She's like 20 years older than Gemma.

- Gemma's really pretty

but I'm just saying, it's ridiculous, like everything.

- [laughs] Stop being nasty.

- I'm not.

What's happening, sweet?

- Hello, guys.

- You all right?

- Hello, how are you?

Right, can I just say one thing and clear the air?

And Lucy, this is more aimed towards you

'cause I've known you for years

and obviously you're engaged and I'm happy for you

and I wish you the best of luck in the future

but I know you've heard about me saying about rumours

but it's only what I've spoke to you about.

A little while ago, you took me in the toilet

and you was crying your eyes out, "oh, I've seen it again".

- When?

- "Mario's been messaging girls again,

"wanting to meet in private pubs" and I went look,

"don't worry about it, look, if you love you, love him".

You don't believe it, you shared that to me.

- Talk about this now.

Why would you bring that up right here?

- But you shared that to me, that's what I am talking about.

There's proof, everyone sees things about Mario on Twitter

but if you're happy and you love Mario,

get over it and it's fine.

- What d'you mean there's proof?

- [Sam] I'm not here.

- There's not proof, though.

The proof of what everyone's saying on Twitter

is from three months ago that I know about,

there's no other proof other than that.

- Have I ever come to you and told you my problems

and then run away and hid and sat on Joey's lap?

- But you're my friend.

- Yeah, course. - But what you're doing now,

you're just completely ruining that.

- [Sam] Lucy, don't get upset.

- You are ruining it, Sam.

- I'm not ruining anything.

- You are.

- She ain't ruining, Lucy?

- What am I ruining, Luce, what am I ruining?

- Well, she is but I just don't understand.

- Oh my God, seriously, there are rumours flying around,

everyone says it, it's so pathetic and it's been and done.

- Yeah and there's all kinds about yous two.

- Okay, fine, then what, what?

- What rumours, why are you saying that,

why are you trying to fucking get a lemon?

- How am I trying to get lemon?

- What rumours, what rumours, what rumours, tell me one.

- Get a lemon. - Get a lemon.

- Tell me one, tell me one rumour.

- I heard things about you in Ibiza.

- [Joey] Go on, what do you mean?

- That you was with loads of girls.

- You're joking, that's out of Twitter.

- [Mario] I've heard things about you in Vegas.

- About me, oh my God, about me in Vegas, seriously.

- Oh my God, mate, are you dumb,

what you talking about, you Toby?

- Toby.

- Fucking saying that for you, you dickhead?

- See, this is why we didn't wanna talk.

Anyway, don't even go into all this

'cause we didn't wanna talk about anything bitter

and sour like this, we didn't want to.

- You're chatting shit, those are fucking sour rumours.

- No, I'm just saying, we hear rumours as well.

- Excuse me?

- All right, good but.

- We're not saying we believe them,

we're saying we hear rumours as well.

- [Sam] All I try to do, right.

- We've seen pictures, Sam, we've seen pictures [laughs]!

- [Sam] Pictures of what, pictures of what,

pictures of what?

- Back of a bus from Faces.

- Pictures of what, pictures of what, pictures of what?

- We didn't wanna go here but we have.

- You on the back of a bus from Faces.

- When was this?

- [Mario] About two, three weeks ago.

- I haven't been Faces, I have not been Faces

in about a year, Mario, a year.

- Let's go and enjoy our engagement party,

come on, enjoy it, ignore it.

- Pictures back in Faces, fucking idiots.

Go on you need your luck, good luck both of you.

- Likewise.

- Stop ruining our engagement party,

this is our engagement party, Sam.

- Yeah, good luck you need it.

- No listen, Lucy, Lucy--

- I know this is on Twitter, this is my engagement party.

And you've come here and said all that?

- [Joey] Can I say one thing, Lucy, wait.

- Where are the pictures, get the pictures,

get the pictures, then, where are the pictures, Lucy?

- [Joey] Why are you saying, what are you saying?

- [Mario] What d'you mean, what am I saying?

I've not been Faces in a year, a year.

- What does that mean?

- What am I saying?

We can go and [mumbles] and try and sort it out.

- I've not come here to ruin your engagement

and you're saying pictures of me in Faces, Lucy!

- [Joey] Yeah but, why are you saying

about pictures in Faces?

- I never said that, he did it so don't even go there.

Ask Mario where he's seen the pictures.

- Mario, Mario, I ain't been Faces, I have not been Faces.

- But why would he lie?

- [Mario] Yeah and I'm saying what I've heard.

- I have not been Faces, get me the pictures,

I ain't been Faces!

- Mate, show me the photos, mate?

- [Arg] Go. - [Joey] Fuck you, man.

- Lucy, I have not come to ruin your engagement,

what's wrong with you? - I don't, leave it, leave it,

fucking pair of Capri Suns, fuck off.

- Capri Suns, makes sense, talks in riddles.

- Is he fucking sure?

- I'll get those pictures, trust me.

I'll bring those two down.

- [Denise] Next time on 'The Only Way Is Essex'.

Will Mario pick the best man for the job?

- I won't be too horrible, though, to him,

d'you know what I mean 'cause it is their day.

- I'm not sure, I don't who I'm gonna choose.

- [Denise] Will Arg's meat and two veg

be enough to satisfy Gemma?

- You boys have seen my willy and you know it's small

and you know it's not small and you--

[all laugh]

- Oh my God!

- [Sam] Has he shaved his pubes?

- [Denise] And is Nanny Pat off

to get herself a copy of "50 Shades of Grey"?

- Come on, keep up, keep up.

- [Denise] These people are real

and anything can happen on "The Only Way Is Essex".

[upbeat music]

♪ The only way is up baby

♪ For you and me now

♪ The only way is up baby

♪ For you and me now

♪ The only way is up baby

♪ For you and me now