All language subtitles for The.Only.Way.Is.Essex.S06E01.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-SLAG_track3_[eng]

- [Denise] This programme
contains a humongous row,

a massive clanger and a slightly
above average-sized penis.

The tans you see might be fake

but the people are all real,
although some of what they do

has been set up purely
for your entertainment.

[men chant]

Previously, on "The Only Way Is
Marbs".

- Make me happy and be my
girlfriend.

- Okay.

[screams]

[men laugh]

- That's savage.

[crowd cheer]
- I'm hoping you'll make me

the luckiest man in
the world and marry me.

- My God.

- I might not be a size 10
but I've got a good heart.

- [Arg] Gemma.

- So take that and kiss that.

[crowd cheers]

- We're engaged!

[crowd cheer]

- Lucy obviously doesn't know

any of the rumours that's gone
on.

[upbeat music]

♪ The only way is up baby

♪ For you and me now

[upbeat music]

- Oh my God, everyone
is reading this book.

Is it really dirty?

- Yeah, it is dirty.

- Is it?
- It is.

It's the first book
I've ever read, though.

[Lucy laughs]

- Your first book with so much
sex,

says a lot about you, Luce.

- Lyd!

[both laugh]

- Like what do you do
if people stare at you

like when you're reading it?

- To be honest Lyd, I
only read it at home.

I haven't really been out, Lyds.

- I've hardly seen you since
Marbs.

Like have you planned
everything,

started looking at dresses?

- No.

- [Lydia] Are you getting
married in England

or abroad, though?

- I have no idea.

Lyd, I don't know any of this
stuff.

I have absolutely no idea.

- What, you haven't planned
nothing?

- No, none, nothing.

I haven't even gone out and
bought a wedding magazine

or anything yet.

- Do you wanna get married?

- Yeah.

- There was hesitation there.

- I do but I'm a bit scared.

I'd quite happily say we'll
get married in five years

but I don't think that's what
Mario wants.

I don't physically wanna go
out and start planning it,

I don't want to, I just can't be
bothered.

I haven't shaved my legs for two
weeks.

- That's disgusting.

- That's filth, innit?

- You've shaved down there
though, right?

- Dunno.

- Oh, Luce!

[both laugh]

Poor Mario!

[gentle acoustic music]

[hits wrong note]

- Joey, I've never noticed
someone to only not improve,

you've got worse.

- Yeah but everyone
says like, what's it go,

"learning makes perfect"?

- No practise makes perfect.

- Practise makes perfect but
obviously it doesn't, does it?

- Where have you been? I
haven't seen you since Marbella,

you're so loved up it's like
[laughs].

- What, you're loved up as well.

I've been going out, I don't
know, I've been going out,

I've been going out every single
night.

- I actually do miss you a
little bit.

- I miss you too, mate.

- You've done the same thing,
Arg,

every single five seconds,
you're away

in a different country, mate.

- Honestly boys, now I've found
Gemma,

I'm literally, you know, I'm
pretty happy.

- What's going on then?

You an item, you a couple, what?

- Listen, I mean, I don't know.

I just feel a bit scared
to make it official.

You know, for her to be my
girlfriend

or, I just think I just
wanna play things out, see,

go with the flow and you know,
just.

- So, how's your sex life?

You're shagging all the
time, aren't you? [all laugh]

- You know when we was in
Turkey?

- Yeah.

[all laugh]

- Well, I went out to see
her in Turkey, didn't I?

And let's just say, the
Mediterranean Sea

has never been the same since.

[all laugh]

Only, you know what,
she's really demanding.

- What do you mean?

What do you mean by demanding?

- [Tom] She wants it all the
time.

- She's just constantly
like now, now, please, more.

- That's what you want, innit?

- Listen, I thought I was an
animal,

I thought I was like this horny
animal.

I can't, it's hard to keep up
with her,

it's hard to satisfy her.

- 'Cause you've only
got a little [whistles].

- Listen, I haven't got a
little,

you boys have seen my willy
and you know it's small.

And you know it's not small!

[all laugh]

And you know it's not small
and you know it's not small!

Right, I am gonna prove,

this is how I know it's not
small, okay?

I went on the internet

and I typed in average
penis size for a man

and I'm above average.

- So you got some of that candy?

[all laugh]

- Listen, the candy was
just for starters, trust me.

You'll have to call me Willy
Wonka

because it's fucking all over
the whole fucking factory.

[all laugh]

- Lyd, you look so happy,

you're like literally glowing.

You're not pregnant, are ya?

- No, definitely not.

Bloody hell.

Tom is literally perfect and I
love him.

He's just so beautiful as well.

- You love him, did you
just say you love him?

- Yeah [laughs].

- You said you love him?

- We said "I love you"
to each other, as well.

- [Lucy] What, in Paris?

- No, no, we said it just
before.

- You're so cute at the moment.

- He obviously knew that I had
quite a lot of trust issues

from my previous relationship

and was like, "here we
go, these are my phones,

"this is my password for this
phone.

"It's like I don't want
you to ever feel like

"you can't trust me."

[Lucy clears throat]

- Do you know what, I'm hoping
tonight

will really get me in the mood
for it all

because at the moment I'm so
not.

- Have you invited everyone?

- I have invited everyone I
like, let's just say that.

- So who haven't you invited?

- I haven't invited Sam.

- Haven't you?

- No.

Sam's not whiter than
white and neither's Joey

but it's the fact that she
brought it up

when we just got engaged

and she sort of tarnished
it straight away.

- Yeah.

- But do you know what, I'm
just in a weird place, Lyd.

Everyone's gonna wanna ask me,

what's your wedding gonna be
like,

what's your dress gonna be
like and I'm just not ready,

I'm not ready for all the
questions.

- I think I've got everything
now, Carol.

Bikinis, my tops.

What I haven't got, I'm
just gonna buy there.

- Yeah, I know.

- I'm only going to Italy,
I'm not going to Cambodia.

I just can't wait.

- Oh, I bet you can't.

There she is.

- Come on, we've been
waiting here for you!

- You need learning plates on
that.

- I can only go as quick
as the thing can go,

my little car.

- Oh there, look, just so
we can put all our stuff.

- She's getting used to it,
yeah, come on.

- Here, now don't bleeding come
here.

- [Debbie] That's all right.
- How am I gonna drive?

- We'll see you later, we're
gonna go and do a bit more.

[all laugh]

- Come on, keep up, keep up.

- Oh bloody hell, here we go.

- Honk honk.

- We won't keep up with her, let
her go.

- [Debbie] I worry about her,
you know.

- [Carol] No, she's all right.

- Yeah but she can't drive.

- She's fine.

- The engagement was
so like big and flash,

we wanna keep this more low-key.

- Have you got to the bottom
of all them rumours yet?

- Here's the thing, Sam
hasn't come to me and Lucy

and apologised, if you
said something out of line

about someone, you'd come and
apologise.

- Yeah.

- We haven't got to speak
to her but I don't know,

I just think the audacity to say
it

the day we got engaged, moments
after.

- Yeah, it's not nice.

- I think it says a lot about
someone.

I think the thing that makes it
worse,

is the fact that Sam and
Lucy have been friends

since they were little but, oh
well.

- So have you thought about the
stag yet?

And what you're actually gonna
do?

That's the best man's job,
actually.

- That's another palaver as
well.

- Why, what's going on?

- Well, I've got two options,
obviously,

I've got Little Chris.

- Yeah.

- And I've got my brother-in-law
but with Little Chris.

- Tom?

- Yeah, with Tom, yeah.

- So you're torn between
those two as best man?

- I'm torn between those two
'cause Tom's,

obviously I've known Tom 14
years

and I've been literally,
I've grown up with him

so he has always been there
when things have happened

with Luce, he was there.

With Little Chris, I've
known him for 12 years

and literally, there's not
been a day in that 12 years

that we haven't spoken

but recently, he's just
sort of disappeared.

- Has he?

- Yeah, he only texts me
if he wants something.

- But out of those two, do you
think

Chris is expecting to be the
best man?

- I think Chris is expecting it,
yeah.

But I think, what do
you think I should do?

- Dunno, you've really gotta
go with your heart, mate,

and what's that telling you

and who do you think's
gonna be there for you.

- Yeah, I know, I'll have to
think on it, there's no rush.

- Maybe both of them.

- Maybe.
- One and a half men, eh?

- [Mario] One and a half men.

[both laugh]

- Oh my God, we went to Turkey,

he flew four and a half hours on
a plane

just to get my candy.

- [Billi] So Gem, has he got a
big one?

That's what we wanna know.

- Billie!

- Let's use that, is it big or
small?

- Oh my God.

- It's the question on all our
lips,

Gem, we need to know this.

- I've got a picture, I'll show
you.

- No, what I wanna know is it
official?

- He has asked me to be his
girlfriend,

he wears my dressing-gown,

we've talked about our baby's
name.

- It's very serious, then?

[upbeat music]

- I'm over the moon that
obviously, they're engaged.

- [Bobby] A year and I
reckon Lucy is gonna be.

- [Little Chris] Popping them
out.

- Best looking kids in Essex, as
well.

- Not necessarily, two
good-looking people

might have a right little ugly
sprog.

- Yeah, I've heard this,
two mingers make a fit baby

and I've heard two fit
people make a minger.

- [Little Chris] Really?

- Yeah.

- So, I bet you've have started
writing an amazing speech?

- I'd imagine he's gonna ask
me 'cause I am his best mate

and it would mean a lot to me

because we've been through
literally everything.

I mean, Mario had to come down
to the sex clinic with me.

One time when I slept with a bit
of a,

you know, a wrong 'un.

He was like holding my
hand all the way down there

and, you know, obviously,

he couldn't come in the room
with me

but like when they were
squatting it down there,

up and down, you know, he
could hear me screaming.

Like he was the first one to
put like an arm around me.

So we have literally been
through everything, you know.

The things I've got in
store for that young man

for his stag do and the speech.

I won't be too horrible though,

to him, d'you know what I
mean? 'Cause it it their day.

- I was sunbathing, right,
thinking,

"oh, I'm getting all brown and
that".

Next thing you know, ching,
ching,

Arg comes through and basically
sends a picture of himself.

- What, naked?
- Right.

- [Sam] Let me see.

- He is so cheeky.

- Oh my God, you're not
letting me have a look.

Has he shaved his pubes?

Oh my God!

- What did you do when he sent
you that?

- So, I can't believe how
up-front he is, can you?

I was sitting there, I
was like "oh my God".

- That is so funny.

- We've got a lot in common.

We've discovered Twisters are
our favourite ice lollies,

we love those.

- I love a Twister, yeah.

- We both love singing.

- You and Arg, I'm sorry,

yous two are the power
couple at the moment.

- We are the new Posh and Becks.

- You are.

- And Arg likes pie and mash,
like Becks.

The boys are taking us
out, as you know, tonight.

- I know, they're taking us out
tonight.

- They have planned this double
date but it better be good.

- No matter what it is, I just
can't wait

to see you and Arg
together, it's been so long,

can't wait to see yous both
together.

- Oh look, there's Lucy and
Lydia.

How rude.

- Can you believe Lucy just
walked past and ignored you?

She's fuming with you, you
was only looking out for her,

you've heard he's been cheating.

- Yeah, right, the thing is,
everyone--

- [Gemma] Girls have gotta stick
together.

- Can I just say, everyone is
saying it,

everyone talks about it.

Lucy dragged me in the toilet,
crying.

"He's doing it again,
he's emailing girls."

So one minute, she wants
me to be her friend

and there for her, five
minutes later, I walked out

of the room and she's sitting
on his lap snogging him.

So one minute, I'm the friend
and one minute, I'm the enemy.

I was only trying to look out
for her.

Now, I'm not invited to the
engagement, I really don't care

but that's how petty it
is, it's so childish.

- James and I are
invited to the engagement

but I'm a little bit hurt that
she said

that the thought of us two
having sex makes her feel sick.

- Yeah, why would she invite
yous two to the engagement

if she's saying things
like that behind your back?

- It's just like--

- She is acting like a silly
little girl,

I'm not being funny but do you
know what,

let them get on with it.
- Are you bothered?

- I really, I do not give a
flying shit.

[upbeat music]

- Hi, you all right?

- How are you?

- Good, you?

- Yeah, not too bad.

- What are you up to, what you
doing here?

- Just thought I'd come
and see you at work.

- Aw.

- That's nice.

- Like it?

- So when d'you reckon

you're gonna model these for me
then, eh?

- Rick.

- What [mumbles]?

- Easy, Rick.

- Oh hello, are you all right?

- What are you doing here?

- Just some stock check.

- Yeah, I can see that, yeah.

- There you go, helping you out.

- What, you're just passing?

- Just popped by to see if
she needed or wanted anything.

- Where yous two going tonight?

- We're going for engagement
drinks, Lucy and Mario.

- Don't keep her out too long.

- No, never, course not.

- Bye.

- See you later.

- Thanks, Dad.

- See you later.

- What happened on that couch
last night, was it all right?

- Yeah, it was comfortable, it
was nice.

- See you later.

- See you later.

[both laugh]

- Could have pre-warned me.

- Oh my God, oh my God.

- My legs are shaking.
- Have I gone bright red?

- Yes, he makes me shake, like
"The Godfather", you know,

[mumbles] no, seriously, he's.

- No, he isn't.

- But no, he's a good, I like
him.

[upbeat music]

[knuckles rap]

- Coming, Pops.

Wasn't expecting to see you.
- [Tom] On your way out?

- Yeah.

- I ain't see you in two
weeks, what you been doing?

- I've just been busy working.

- [Tom] Yeah?
- What have you been doing?

- I've been on holiday, ain't I?

And now we're back

and we're gonna start bumping
into each other a lot more

and I just wanted to make sure
it weren't awkward as shit

next time we see each other.

- You're now making it
awkward, though, by turning up.

- I know, yeah, well, I tried to
ring you

and you didn't, well,
it didn't get through.

I just wanna clear the air.
- Okay.

- You was just confusing me,
with the texting and things,

we was speaking, then
nothing would ever happen.

- I think it was always
only ever gonna be,

it was never gonna be
anything serious, was it?

I just don't think it
would have worked out.

'Cause we're never gonna be
boyfriend and girlfriend.

- No?

- I think it's just
too much of an age gap.

- You can't use it as an
excuse of why it wouldn't work.

- Yeah, yeah and I know that,
but also I kept getting emails

from girls, saying that

you've been sleeping
with them and whatever.

- Yeah, but Lauren, we weren't
together.

- I don't really wanna
be with a guy that's out

shagging random girls in clubs.

- First night in Marbella,

didn't you leave the
club with another geezer?

- No!

- [Tom] No?

- Not like that.

- But no, that's fine, it's
obviously not gonna work out.

- I don't want it to
be awkward between us.

So, we're friends?

- Friends.

But anyway, have fun.

- [Lauren] Thank you.

- I'll speak to you later, all
right?

- Yeah, see you later.

- [Tom] Take care.

- Bye.

[door clicks]

[Italian music]

[Arg exclaims]

- [Joey] What's going on?

- Oh my God, it's actually the
first time

I've seen you both together.

- Thank you, Arg.

- You all right, guys?

- You two look lovely.

- Yeah, you look great together.

- Thank you.

- You look really smart.

- Anyone would think we'd have
an engagement party to go to.

[Arg laughs]

- Is it mad, seeing us
two together, though?

- Yeah, I love it.

- Hello, you all right?

[Enzo mumbles]

What d'you want, Arg?
- [Sam] I'm a little bit late.

- Can we get the ribs and
calamari for starters.

And then for our mains,
Gemma, what d'you want?

- Can I have calf's liver,
please?

With dolcelatte sauce on the
side?

- What you getting, what liver?

- You'll like that but you
like, do you like liver or not?

- [Arg] No, no, no.

- No, forget the liver.

- No, you have that.

- No 'cause you don't like it

and I know you like to eat my
dinner.

- No, I'm not sharing
with you for my mains.

You can have your own main,
I'll have my own main.

- [Gemma] But are you sure?

- Yes, we don't have to
same of everything, Gemma.

- Are you sure?

- We can have different food,
yeah.

- All right, calf's liver
then, please, thank you.

- Can I have the--

- No bacon, I can't bear the
bacon on top.

- Can I have the scallops
for starter, please?

- Can I have a fillet
steak, can I have it with.

- Medium.

- Yeah, medium.

- I know how you like
it, peppercorn sauce.

- With peppercorn sauce
and I can I have it with.

- You want vegetables.

- Vegetables.

- And he wants saute potatoes.

- Yes please, thank you.

- And have you got chocolate
cheesecake

'cause that's he loves for
dessert.

- Can I have a fillet steak
with spinach and vegetables?

- [Enzo] Okay?

- Thank you, cheers.

- Thank you, Enzo.

[upbeat music]

- I bet for you, this is
kind of such a lovely thing,

to be at your best mate's
engagement party

and see him like proper be
happy.

- Yeah, no, it's lovely, mate.

- Ching, ching.

- Ching ching, man.

- You all right?

- Jess!

- [Jess] Thanks for having us.

- Ricky.

- Could be yous two next.

- You never know.

[crowd chatter]

- I thought, "what can I
get Mario", I thought like,

I've been best mates
with Mario for 13 years.

- Yeah.

- [Little Chris] I was
like a bottle of champagne

ain't gonna cut it.

- No.

- D'you know what I mean so
obviously,

I've kinda put a little book
together

but where it has taken me so
much time

to get all the pictures
and everything together,

I haven't had a chance to, you
know,

talk to him or even see him.

- [Bobby] D'you know what,
that's such a lovely idea,
innit?

[Bobby laughs]

- Obviously and I think,
he'll, I know mate.

The first picture is priceless,
isn't it?

Look at that.

- [Bobby] See, I kind of thought
Mario

would have been hot all his
life.

- Nah, mate, quite the opposite.

You know he used to have
braces and headgear.

- What, like Forrest Gump?

- [Little Chris] Yeah, I do warn
you Bob,

some of these are a bit
explicit.

- [Bobby] Sounds like my
kind of photo album, mate.

- I only found one photo of
Lucy, though.

Yeah, can you believe that
her pants are showing,

her underwear?

- She ain't gonna like that,
her Alan Wickers hanging out.

That is funny and it's not like

we've put it on like the
internet, is it?

- Nah, nah, nah, nah, no.

- Let's see the ring.

- Oh my God, you haven't seen
it?

- No!

- [gasps] I thought
"everyone's seen it now".

- Aw, it's beautiful.
- Beautiful.

- Isn't it lovely, it's small,
innit?

I'm joking!

[all laugh]

- I'm like "what?"

- You've gotta say that thing,
ain't ya,

wish you well to wear it.
- [Lucy] What is it?

- Old people say, "wish
you well to wear it."

That's what they used to say
to me when I was engaged.

- You were engaged?

- You were engaged?

- Yeah, for five years.

- On that note.

- I feel like when you give
it to him it's gonna be like

"this is your life, have it".

- This is from the best man.

- Yeah, well, he hasn't
actually said to me

that I'm the best man yet.

- See, I find that quite weird

because Lydia's a bridesmaid
so I know she's been asked.

- Are you serious?

- Did you not know that?

- No, I didn't know that Lydia
has been made a bridesmaid.

- [Bobby] Yeah.

- Does that mean I've
gotta dance with Lydia?

- Dunno, that's if you're
the best man [laughs].

- D'you know what he
did to me the other day,

I was nearly died. Right, gets
up in the morning, he goes

"can you open the window, I'm
hot".

Goes to the window, I had a
thong on.

He goes to me "shall we
start our diets today?"

- How cruel is that?
- What? [all laugh]

- Who do you think me and Gemma
look like,

like celebrity-wise?

- Britney Spears.
- Who d'you think, thank you.

[Arg laughs]

- No, you look a little bit, I
reckon,

a cross between Diana
Dors and Vanessa Feltz.

[laughs] I'm joking.

- That is so lame.

- I've told her before.

- No, can I say that I
really like Vanessa Feltz

- [Joey] I don't know who they
are.

- So do I, yeah.

- I think she's lovely.

- Are you joking, Gem?

- It's good, no, darling,
it's just 'cause he's nervous

and he's showing off in front of
Joey.

- [Arg] No, Joey, it is, yeah,
sometimes.

- It's a boy thing.

- Sometimes you can have banter
with Gemma

and sometimes she can't take it.

[laughs] I was joking.

- [Sam] She's upset.

- Shut up, Sam.

- [Sam] Give her a kiss
and tell her you're joking.

- No, Vanessa Feltz is out of
order.

- [Joey] Why you making, why
are you making her cry for?

- She's not even funny.

- [Arg] Stop being stupid,
you look beautiful tonight.

I told you, you look stunning.

- Okay, let's just have a good
night.

- Stop creeping and just
say sorry and that's it.

- I'm sorry.

- All right, let's have a good
night, let's just leave it.

- Come on, leave it now.

[party music] ♪ Turn the
spotlight up ♪

♪ And get dirty on this stuff

♪ Breaking down the doors

♪ This is my revelation

♪ Baby you're jamming it to an A
♪

- [Danni] How are you?

- [Debbie] Look at this loved up
couple.

- I know, you're so cute
together.

- I just absolutely
adore him, he's lovely.

- Aw, you are lovely, I approve.

- [Lydia] I think we need to
set you up with someone, Dan.

- Yes, you need a man, Dan.

- I'm texting someone,
I'm not sexing anyone.

- Okay, who is it?

Does it begin with S, S, S?

- S?

- S.

- No.

- Okay, give me the letter.

- I've gotta think what
the letter begins with.

- Oh my God, Dan.

- [Debbie] You can't spell,
Lydia.

- T!

- It better not be him.

[all laugh]

- [Debbie] T, Tom?
- Is it Tom?

- Tom Pearce?

- As friends I think, us
texting, yeah.

- Is it friends or friends?

- Or do you feel like a
tinge when he texts you?

- Mum!

- Tinge where?

- I weren't talking
about your vaginal area.

- You never say "tinge",
you say "butterflies".

- She really likes him.

- But do you fancy him, yes or
no?

- Yes.

- She's getting butterflies.

- I've got to admit one thing,
Arg, we saw a picture of you.

- What do you mean, you
saw a picture of me?

- Right, I hope you don't mind

but I have seen a picture of
Arg's willy.

- Oh what, why did you show
them, Gemma?

- Shut up, the girls said to me

"how is Arg, is he hung like a
donkey?"

And I didn't wanna
discuss it so I just went

"judge for yourself" and
showed them the picture.

- What did you think?

[all laugh]

What's your opinion?

- We ain't really looked
at it, it's a bit weird

'cause you're my friend

and I didn't really wanna look
at it but--

- But it was adequate, yeah?

- It was fine.

[Arg laughs]

- [Arg] Sorry, Gem.

- All that matters is my opinion

and what I think and if
you're doing it right,

if you're not doing it right,
game over.

- Am I doing it right?
- Yeah.

[Arg laughs]

Arg has asked me to be his
girlfriend.

- [Joey] Really?

- Have you?

- [Joey] Shut up, when was that?

- Like ages ago, he asked me.

- You said you didn't even
discuss

your relationship being official
and that

and he went "no, we ain't
talked about it yet".

- No, I just said we haven't
definitely,

we haven't put a definition

that we are definitely
boyfriend and girlfriend,

just sort of feels that way,
we haven't said [mumbles],

well, we sort of have.

- You asked Gemma to be your
girlfriend.

- I haven't said to
you now, I haven't said

"Gemma, will you be my
girlfriend?"

Even though I want you
to be my girlfriend.

- And this is one thing
he didn't wanna talk about

at the table, as well.

- James, you've asked me twice.

- Okay, no, I have, no, I
have, look, we've talked,

we've sort of briefly spoke
about it,

we haven't made it official.

No, I've said we haven't
made it official, have we?

Oh, Gemma, Joey, man.

- Oh, shut up.

- All right, course you're my
girlfriend,

I'm proud that you're my
girlfriend, come here.

I'm proud that you're my
girlfriend, you're being stupid.

- He told me that, are you
joking?

- [Arg] Why did you
bring that up, I told you

"don't bring it up at the
table".

- Oh my God, you told me not
to bring it up about yous two.

- Gemma, I told you, don't
bring--

- And you've been talking
about it the whole time.

- [Sam] Oh, come on.

- I dunno.

- James, you've asked me twice.

- Why does it matter, why does
it matter?

- But just say to Joey.

- [Arg] Yes, Gemma's my
girlfriend,

I'm proud that she's my
girlfriend.

- [Joey] Sorted out, yeah?

[classical music]

- Shall we go for a little
freshen up in the loo,

a bit of zhoosh?

- Yeah, come on.

- Be good, yous two.

- [Gemma] I'm finding
myself a hot new man.

- [laughs] Shut up.

- Yeah, so what's going on?

Is it all good, is it all nice
with her?

- Mate, it's brilliant.

- What, so you get blow jobs
and stuff like that, do ya?

[Arg laughs]

- Well obviously, I think
you'd be pretty unlucky

if you had a girlfriend

who didn't give you a
blow job, wouldn't ya?

- Gemma actually gives you blow
jobs?

- Yes, obviously.

Don't Sam give you?

- Yeah, course, but I thought,
it's different, innit?

- No, it ain't different,
what's different?

Just because me and Gemma
are big, doesn't mean

we don't do the same
things you and Sam do.

- Who goes on top?

[Arg laughs]

Honestly, honestly,

tell me the truth, tell me the
truth, man.

- It's just good, trust me.

- [Joey] Mate, she's 32,
you're only 24, well weird.

- She's 31.

- Well weird, well weird.

- It's not well weird, it's
only seven years difference,

there's eight difference
between my mum and dad.

- That's disgusting.

- It's not disgusting, age is
just a--

- [Joey] That is absolutely
[mumbles].

- Listen, when you get to
me and you know, you've had,

you know, you've had girlfriend
experience

and all that, you come to
realise that age

is just a number and personality
means more than looks.

- Yeah, they're coming.

- What, d'you think she's in
love me?

- Yeah, amazingly, she's on
with you and you're happy

so just leave it as that.

- Hey.

- What are yous two talking
about?

- Just having a bit of
boys' chitchat, you know.

- Nothing really, just
about this meal's well nice.

[pensive music]

- How you doing, geez?

Where have you been
hiding, haven't seen ya.

- Gotta mingle man, gotta
mingle, engagement party.

- I'll be honest with you, mate,

when we was at school, I never
imagined

you'd be the first one engaged.

- No, neither did I,
to be honest with you,

I used to always say at school

I'd be the one that never get
married.

- That's changed, are
you a changed man now?

- I am mate, it's weird, so
weird.

- Have you thought about
the wedding at all?

'Cause I heard that Lucy
had made Lydia bridesmaid,

hasn't she?

- Hasn't been spoken about
with me, but I dunno.

- Oh bloody hell, have you
even thought about like,

best man yet or not really?

- I'm not sure, I don't
know who I'm gonna choose.

When I first got engaged, it was
like,

in my mind, I was pretty
certain,

you know, pretty sure
that it would be you,

but where I haven't really heard
from you

and I only sort of hear from you
now

when you want something.

- [Little Chris] Yeah.

- I just sort of think oh, well,

is it right for him to be my
best man?

The way it's been the way it
has,

when I sort of sit there and
think,

"right" so then I've started
analysing what I think

"is Chris true enough to be my
best man?"

Because the thing is with best
man,

you're not just the best man to
me

but you're there for
me if anything happens

and you're there for
Lucy if anything happens.

And I just think, are you
mature enough for that,

are you ready for that,
are you ready to do that?

That's a big responsibility,

are you ready to do the big
speech in front of my family,

without you coming out with
something like you normally do?

- I've got a present for you.

Have a little look through that,
mate.

[pensive music]

I'm gonna shoot back to the bar

'cause obviously, I've left
Bobby standing by himself

but you know I love you, all
right?

- Love you, man, thank you,
mate,

cheers, appreciate it, see you
soon.

- Congratulations.

- Ta, mate.

- Me and Mario have got on a
little bit better recently.

Obviously, you know,

us three have been invited,
sorry, Sam but like--

- I've been NFI'd.

- And obviously, we're
not gonna leave you, Sam,

we'd never do it in a million
years

but don't you feel that maybe

we should at least just pop in,

show our faces and then leave?

- What does NFI'd mean?

- Not fucking invited.

- [Gemma] Who said that?

- No one, I'm saying I have been
NFI'd.

If yous wanna go, it's fine.

- I know I'm your girlfriend
now but she's my friend.

- Why don't us four go
outside the engagement party,

me and Joey walk in,
say hello and walk out.

- No, no, I'm not walking in.

- Why?

- Because he ain't
invited my two best mates,

he ain't invited my girlfriend

so pretty much he's saying,
"you're not coming either".

Skeen, innit?

- Right, never in a million
years

I'm gonna walk into that party

but I want us four to enjoy our
night

so if you have to go in
and pay your respects,

do it, we'll wait outside,
then we'll go out after.

Do you wanna do that?

- Yeah.

- I think yous two should go in
together

'cause you're like a new couple,

everyone will be like "whoa".

- Whoa, here's Arg and Vanessa
Feltz.

[all laugh]

- I can't believe yous even
wanna go

after what she said about you.

- Lucy did say the thought
of you and I making love

made her feel sick, I
think it's all bullshit.

Let's be happy for them,
put our differences aside,

we're gonna rock up, happy
anniversary, see ya later.

- Yeah but we could have done
that.

- Stay away from the buffet
'cause you'll be there an hour.

At the end of the day, our
loyalties are with these.

- I know that, if you two go
outside, it's done and dusted.

[Gemma coughs]

You all right?

[Sam laughs]

- I'm a bit drunk.

- Ugh!
- Oh, mate!

[party music]

♪ RIP to the girl you used to
see ♪

♪ Her days are over

- I wonder if Lucy and Mario
have actually

set a date for their wedding?
- I don't think they have.

I don't even think they've
started

looking for wedding
venues or anything yet.

Me and Billi have been
looking at venues, haven't we?

We're having like a christening.

- Why, are you born again
Christians?

- No, I don't think
that's what that means.

- Why would you get christened?

- Well, we found out,
you can't get married

in a church unless you're a
Christian.

- So you're gonna dip your
own heads in the bowl?

- No.

- You're only doing it 'cause
you wanna have a party,

you're such fucking liars.

[both laugh]

You just wanna wear a white
dress and have a party.

- Would be good, though.

Well, were not getting
married anytime soon

so we thought we might
as well get christened.

[women laugh]

[party music] ♪ I'm young and
free ♪

- You look gorgeous, Bob.

- It's very sophisticated, isn't
it?

♪ It's gonna be giving us time
to drink ♪

♪ Slow and steady for me

- What a night.

- I keep farting, I think I've
been over-eating. [all laugh]

- You are mad.
- So what are you doing,

I'm gonna wait here with Sam.

- Listen, why don't you just pop
in

just for five minutes, show your
face.

- No.

- No, as if.

- No one will care.

- Are you joking me, I'm not
invited,

he's not gonna come in with yous
two.

- She ain't invited.

- We'll be 10 minutes, we won't
be long.

- Five minutes.

- All right.

- Just go.

- All right, I'll see you in
five.

- Go on, go on, son.

- See you in a minute.
- Quick.

- Oh, oi, show me a
picture of Vanessa Feltz.

- Do you not know who she is?
- No, just Google it.

- Wahay!

- [Mario] Oh, they made it.

- Congratulations, so happy for
you.

- Congratulations, mate.

- You all right, Luce?

- You look lovely.

- Oh, so do you.
- Aw, thanks for coming, guys.

- We would not have missed
this for the world, would we?

- No, course not, you know,
obviously, we wanted to pop in

and you know, show our respects
and that and also you know,

I wanna start building
some bridges don't I, so.

- Show your respects, no one's
died, Arg.

[all laugh]

Pay your respects.

- Aw, thanks for coming, though.

- We appreciate you both anyway,

do you wanna get a drink or
anything?

- Do you know what, we'd
love to stay for a drink

but we can't 'cause Joey and
Sam are waiting for us outside.

- It's a bit awkward for us,
obviously

because, you know, Sam
wasn't invited was she, so.

- The thing is right, she's my
old friend

but you know what, I feel like
she tarnished our engagement

and she hasn't said sorry since

and I think it could have
been resolved before,

she would have been able to
come.

- But listen anyway, you
know we're here so, you know.

- Why don't you just go and
have a drink at the bar, yeah?

- Have one drink guys, some
champagne.

- Yeah go on, we'll have
a drink, won't we, Gem?

- Yeah.
- Come on.

- Enjoy your Mario.
- It's on me, of course.

[Lucy laughs]

- It's weird, it is weird
because I don't think

I'd ever organise anything like
this

and not have invited her.
- Yeah, it is a little bit.

- That's what the weird thing is
and like.

- I think, it's one of those
things

that just keeps dragging
on, needs to be resolved.

I think we can go downstairs now

and we can just have a talk with
them

and just sort it out, once and
for all.

- Sort it out and invite them
in?

- Yeah, sort it out, invite
them in, that's what I want.

Shall we go downstairs
and talk to them, then?

- Yeah.

- Come on, babe, after you.

- Let's hope it ends well
[laughs].

- [laughs] Oh my God, that is a
ringer.

- She's like 20 years older than
Gemma.

- Gemma's really pretty

but I'm just saying, it's
ridiculous, like everything.

- [laughs] Stop being nasty.

- I'm not.

What's happening, sweet?

- Hello, guys.

- You all right?

- Hello, how are you?

Right, can I just say one
thing and clear the air?

And Lucy, this is more aimed
towards you

'cause I've known you for years

and obviously you're engaged
and I'm happy for you

and I wish you the best
of luck in the future

but I know you've heard
about me saying about rumours

but it's only what I've
spoke to you about.

A little while ago, you
took me in the toilet

and you was crying your eyes
out, "oh, I've seen it again".

- When?

- "Mario's been messaging girls
again,

"wanting to meet in private
pubs" and I went look,

"don't worry about it, look,
if you love you, love him".

You don't believe it,
you shared that to me.

- Talk about this now.

Why would you bring that up
right here?

- But you shared that to me,
that's what I am talking about.

There's proof, everyone sees
things about Mario on Twitter

but if you're happy and you love
Mario,

get over it and it's fine.

- What d'you mean there's proof?

- [Sam] I'm not here.

- There's not proof, though.

The proof of what
everyone's saying on Twitter

is from three months
ago that I know about,

there's no other proof other
than that.

- Have I ever come to you
and told you my problems

and then run away and hid
and sat on Joey's lap?

- But you're my friend.

- Yeah, course.
- But what you're doing now,

you're just completely ruining
that.

- [Sam] Lucy, don't get upset.

- You are ruining it, Sam.

- I'm not ruining anything.

- You are.

- She ain't ruining, Lucy?

- What am I ruining,
Luce, what am I ruining?

- Well, she is but I
just don't understand.

- Oh my God, seriously, there
are rumours flying around,

everyone says it, it's so
pathetic and it's been and done.

- Yeah and there's all
kinds about yous two.

- Okay, fine, then what, what?

- What rumours, why are you
saying that,

why are you trying to fucking
get a lemon?

- How am I trying to get lemon?

- What rumours, what rumours,
what rumours, tell me one.

- Get a lemon.
- Get a lemon.

- Tell me one, tell me one
rumour.

- I heard things about you in
Ibiza.

- [Joey] Go on, what do you
mean?

- That you was with loads of
girls.

- You're joking, that's out of
Twitter.

- [Mario] I've heard
things about you in Vegas.

- About me, oh my God, about
me in Vegas, seriously.

- Oh my God, mate, are you dumb,

what you talking about, you
Toby?

- Toby.

- Fucking saying that
for you, you dickhead?

- See, this is why we didn't
wanna talk.

Anyway, don't even go into all
this

'cause we didn't wanna
talk about anything bitter

and sour like this, we didn't
want to.

- You're chatting shit, those
are fucking sour rumours.

- No, I'm just saying,
we hear rumours as well.

- Excuse me?

- All right, good but.

- We're not saying we believe
them,

we're saying we hear rumours as
well.

- [Sam] All I try to do, right.

- We've seen pictures, Sam,
we've seen pictures [laughs]!

- [Sam] Pictures of
what, pictures of what,

pictures of what?

- Back of a bus from Faces.

- Pictures of what, pictures
of what, pictures of what?

- We didn't wanna go here but we
have.

- You on the back of a bus from
Faces.

- When was this?

- [Mario] About two, three weeks
ago.

- I haven't been Faces,
I have not been Faces

in about a year, Mario, a year.

- Let's go and enjoy our
engagement party,

come on, enjoy it, ignore it.

- Pictures back in Faces,
fucking idiots.

Go on you need your luck,
good luck both of you.

- Likewise.

- Stop ruining our engagement
party,

this is our engagement party,
Sam.

- Yeah, good luck you need it.

- No listen, Lucy, Lucy--

- I know this is on Twitter,
this is my engagement party.

And you've come here and said
all that?

- [Joey] Can I say one thing,
Lucy, wait.

- Where are the pictures,
get the pictures,

get the pictures, then,
where are the pictures, Lucy?

- [Joey] Why are you
saying, what are you saying?

- [Mario] What d'you
mean, what am I saying?

I've not been Faces in a year, a
year.

- What does that mean?

- What am I saying?

We can go and [mumbles]
and try and sort it out.

- I've not come here
to ruin your engagement

and you're saying pictures
of me in Faces, Lucy!

- [Joey] Yeah but, why are you
saying

about pictures in Faces?

- I never said that, he did
it so don't even go there.

Ask Mario where he's seen the
pictures.

- Mario, Mario, I ain't been
Faces, I have not been Faces.

- But why would he lie?

- [Mario] Yeah and I'm
saying what I've heard.

- I have not been Faces,
get me the pictures,

I ain't been Faces!

- Mate, show me the photos,
mate?

- [Arg] Go.
- [Joey] Fuck you, man.

- Lucy, I have not come
to ruin your engagement,

what's wrong with you?
- I don't, leave it, leave it,

fucking pair of Capri Suns, fuck
off.

- Capri Suns, makes
sense, talks in riddles.

- Is he fucking sure?

- I'll get those pictures, trust
me.

I'll bring those two down.

- [Denise] Next time on
'The Only Way Is Essex'.

Will Mario pick the best man for
the job?

- I won't be too horrible,
though, to him,

d'you know what I mean
'cause it is their day.

- I'm not sure, I don't
who I'm gonna choose.

- [Denise] Will Arg's meat and
two veg

be enough to satisfy Gemma?

- You boys have seen my
willy and you know it's small

and you know it's not small and
you--

[all laugh]

- Oh my God!

- [Sam] Has he shaved his pubes?

- [Denise] And is Nanny Pat off

to get herself a copy
of "50 Shades of Grey"?

- Come on, keep up, keep up.

- [Denise] These people are real

and anything can happen on
"The Only Way Is Essex".

[upbeat music]

♪ The only way is up baby

♪ For you and me now

♪ The only way is up baby

♪ For you and me now

♪ The only way is up baby

♪ For you and me now