Original subtitles

I was desperate. I was willing to do anything. I almost put an ad up saying I

need $350 by tomorrow morning.

Tell me what you want, I'll do it.

I was desperate.

I would have done animals at that point.

I would have done anything it took to get that money.

I'm doing what I have to do to survive.

Got kicked out.

I was a housewife for a year and a half. I got out of the Army because some man

said that he would take care of me, and I was deep enough to depend on somebody

else.

And he kicked me out.

I was kind of bouncing from here to there, wherever I could stay for a

stayed in a place with no heat.

I'm running a room with my friends for $200 a month. I eat maybe once a day

because I can't afford to eat.

I've got $3 in my wallet.

I have $3. You want to see it?

That is all the money I have to my name.

Baby.

When I was on the phone with the bank, I was crying because I just didn't know

what to do.

You...

It kind of saved my life.

I'm kind of getting kicked out of the place I'm living now.

I've got a maximum of 60 days.

As soon as I get money, it's gone.

Gas, cell phone, car payment, car insurance, food.

I couldn't afford to eat.

And then my boyfriend, he made sure that I had food, even scraped up some money

and got some food.

Well, usually it's the other way around. Usually it's me making sure that, you

know, somebody else survives.

So it's nice being the one taking care of.

Because I'm two months late on my car payment, and I'm about a month and a

late on my car insurance, plus running low on gas, plus getting ready to move

into a new place, plus we're going out and spending $400 tomorrow to get a bed.

Finances are tight.

You do what you got to do.

First of all, my father doesn't know I exist.

My mom found out, they had a physical relationship, and she found out she was

pregnant. She went to his house to go tell him that she was pregnant, and he

wasn't there.

All of his stuff was packed and gone.

So he has no idea that he has a daughter.

I was pretty much raised between my mom and my grandma.

When my mom went to jail, my grandma had me for a few years, but then they said

that my great -grandma, but then she was too old to take care of me, especially

going to foster homes and friends of the church or friends of the family.

When I was really young, I was a member of the church, the Assembly of God.

I got sent to people from the church.

They took care of me when my mom went to jail or I got taken away from.

The house being so nasty and dirty that nobody should live there, let alone a

child. No heat, no running water,

no food in the house, not enough food in the house.

We had probably about 20 cats.

They didn't know where the litter box was, so they went wherever they

wanted to.

An electrician came over to the house, had to move my bed to get to the plug,

and they found a dead, decayed cat under my bed.

There were maggots under my bed, eating that cat.

And me and my friend were eating oatmeal one time, and we just happened to look

down, and there was maggots in the food.

The general smell of the house would feel bad that it would... I didn't even

know I had a dead, decaying cat underneath my bed.

I used to get laughed and teased at at school, but I never understood why.

They said, you smell, and I'm like, I don't smell.

I had no clue. I got my head slammed up against the bus window once,

and it really freaking hurt.

The guy only got the kid who was a high schooler. He had the great big high

school books that are sick.

and came up behind me and I was looking out the window and just smashed my head

into the window.

A lot of times the county would step in and they'd take the cats away or take

our animals away.

So I would get attached to an animal and it would get taken away.

It killed me but I just came to accept it.

I mean I knew it was a little bit wrong but I didn't.

I wasn't raised in an environment like this where it's clean.

I was raised in that environment.

That's all I knew.

I was raised in Phil.

My mom went to jail for child neglect.

I didn't know how bad I had it.

I was happy.

My mom would take me shopping, and we'd go try on clothes and stuff.

And for hours, I actually thought that I was actually going to get to keep them.

And I got to take them home.

And then something came up, so we had to take them back.

I think she had a really messed up childhood herself.

She did the best that she could with me.

I used to watch the Olympics every year, every time they came on, and I just, I

dreamt of being a gymnast someday.

I really like the floor exercise and the balance beam. I actually took probably

five pallets on one side and five pallets on another, and I put a board

it, and I'd go up there with my radio, and I'd dance.

I had a blast. I thought I was the only child.

So I had to find somebody to have fun, and I was out there dancing.

I found out when I was older that when I would go to stay at my cousin's house,

she was a cousin by marriage, but I'd go to stay at her place and our older

cousin, who was five or six years older than us, between the ages of four and

seven, he would sneak into the room and he would play with us while we were

sleeping. And I had no clue, except that one time that he made it quite clear

and pulled us over into the sleeping bag.

Looking back, he probably wanted us to.

That happened when I was a little bit older, thinking probably eight or nine.

I was 16.

I just moved out. I met a boyfriend, and I needed out.

So I moved out.

We got married at the age of 19 for the first time.

I've actually been married twice already.

I don't like wasting my life.

I don't like wasting... I love to love and I love to be loved. But if I

accomplish nothing in my life but to be a good wife and a good mother, then I'll

die a happy woman.

I'll give my man anything.

He wants. Just appreciate it.

And that's how I've always... I've always been, whether they've appreciated

or not.

And I've always been treated like shit.

Because I love them.

Because I loved them.

And I thought that's what it was all about.

But I've never thought about what I want. It's always, what do I think the

wants?

How do I think they would like it?

But if it wasn't for those bad relationships, I wouldn't know how good

now. You can't appreciate what you have now if you haven't had to deal with

stuff in your past.

Yeah, I'm pretty submissive in every aspect of my life.

I actually had a rape fantasy, and I actually let it out.

But it was very fun. It was probably one of the hottest moments of my life.

The conversation pretty much went.

You know, he was asking me, you know, what's your fantasy?

What's your one fantasy that you've never told anybody else?

And I said, I won't do it.

You're going to think I'm a freak or I'm weird or something.

And he said, no, come on, tell me. I'm like, I can't.

Five minutes of arguing later, I told him that I wanted to be raped.

And he said, that's not weird at all. And I'm like, it's not weird at all.

been raped.

You know, I've been in mental institutions because I was raped.

That word is actually quite common for women who have been raped or been

physically abused to like it because it's trusting.

And it was, I picked him up at the airport.

He came back from New York or something, and we'd had it all planned out. I

brought the black hoodie, and I brought the knife, and we lived in an apartment.

And I'm, you know, dealing with my key, trying to get it in the door.

You know, he's got the knife, and he's got the hoodie on.

Acting like he's trying to go into the other apartment.

And I open the door and he lands me inside and rips off my shirt,

puts a knife to my throat, ties my shirt as, like, restraint, and

pushes me into the bedroom, gets me on the bed, and, uh...

Sorry.

The feel of the knife was so incredibly hot. And I was able to actually get up

and run away a little bit.

And then he just grabbed the back of the shirt and ripped me back down to the

bed, which was freaking awesome.

Just holding me down and fucking the shit out of me.

And then we later found out that the windows were open.

So as I'm screaming, you know, please no, please no, don't.

In reality, inside I was screaming, oh my God, this feels so good.

I was in two mental institutions.

I couldn't handle the rapes.

I couldn't handle the physical abuse.

I guess it all just started boiling down. I wanted to kill myself and it

cutting and I just wanted to hurt myself.

I was having panic attacks a few times a week.

Some people call it rape. Some people call it being molested. I think it's

the same thing.

I've at least five times.

My cousin.

Some guy at the carnival.

There's some more I just know I've laughed about.

Do you think I'm sexy?

Even though I'm epileptic?

I got carded. That was so cool.

Hello.

And I am 26 years old.

26 years old. Okay.

Great.

So, we're going to do our third shoot together tonight.

Okay. And so, do you understand the types of things that we're going to be

tonight? Yes.

Since we've shot Taylor before, it's basically the same kinds of things. Any

things that we've added, you've already signed a document acknowledging those

new things and you're agreeing to those new things that we're going to do

tonight. Yes. Okay, cool.

Are you here for your own free will?

Yes. How are you feeling today?

I am feeling wonderful today. Okay. How do you feel right this second? I feel

good. Okay.

Now, we don't want to have you get any undue physical strain or any kind of...

any kind of physical danger when you're shooting here tonight. Because of the

nature of what we're doing, there's a certain amount of manhandling of you

physically, a certain amount of so -called violence, whether implied,

you know, fictitious scenarios.

That's all well and good. We have to make sure, first and foremost, that your

safety is adhered to, okay? So your safe word is I strongly urge you tonight to

use your safe word if you're feeling any discomfort, any dizziness, okay, if you

feel that you don't want to stop for any reason at all.

If you're physically tired, if you feel exhausted, whatever, dehydrated, make

sure you use your safe word. If I think that you aren't using your safe word, I

will stop the shoot. And I won't pay you your full fee. I'll pay you some sort

of kill fee, maybe probably half.

So I have to use my own discretion, and I can't continue shooting you if I feel

that you're not physically able.

You get some money, probably half, but let's try to be sensible. And I know you

need money, but it's not worth it. endangering your health or physically

seriously injuring yourself.

Okay, so I'm going to trust you and I definitely trust me to take care of you.

So that's good.

Do you know if somebody cares?

I do.

Don't get fucking hot.

I don't want to piss myself.

I like it when you piss yourself.

You're a weird brother.

It's not that bad.

I've seen you with your clothes off before. You've changed right in front of

When we were at the lake last summer.

You're watching me?

Mm -hmm.

Why not?

I'm your assistant.

I know, but you're a hot sister.

Let's pretend we're at the lake going out.

I'll show you.

I'll show you that someone can like you no matter what, epilepsy or not.

Let's just pretend.

Hey. Down, up, little sister.

You're gonna change into your bathing suit.

You sure about this?

Yeah.

You don't mind changing in front of your brother, do you?

I don't know. Now it feels a little weird.

You're not a freak.

You say so.

You're my little sister, and I'm telling you, you're hot.

You believe me?

I don't know.

Come on, sit down. I want to show you something.

I'll show you something.

Just sit there.

He's laughing so nicely.

Did I hit you hard enough?

Did I fucking hit you hard enough?

I've got $7 in my wallet this time.

$7.

You have $7 to your name this week.

I used to burn myself.

The most severe case I've seen was a woman who was raped, and her body, she

so nasty, her skin so disgusting.

She actually soaked her clothes in gasoline and set herself on fire to try

burn her skin.

Burn it off.

I would let somebody punch me.

Preferably not the jaw because I move my jaw a lot. I talk a lot.

So probably like up here.

But not the temple because that could kill me.

I might have one guy actually do it and it was really hot.

I think it's more the control.

I love being dominated, especially in bed. It's just, I love a man taking

control.

I thought my life was over. I didn't see the purpose in life.

My ex kicked me out.

I had no job.

Car payment and bills.

That's what had been piling up because he wanted to take care of his first.

No place to live.

No place to sleep.

Nothing to eat.

I didn't see the purpose in fighting so hard to get back off the tap when all we

do is fight to live.

I can count to ten.

Why does he make me count to ten, everybody?

One.

Two.

Three.

Please let me get...

It's a fraud.

The most important thing is to be a good wife and a good mother.

It's the most important.

But I'd love to own a horse refuge.

The animals that the Humane Society take in, they've got no place to go.

I'd love to be able to take them in, and I love horses.

I love animals.

They're awesome. They know when I had a dog that knew when I was upset.

She would always come up to me.

and she'd put her head on my shoulder like she was giving me a hug.

She snuck her head into my neck.

I had one dog that was very protective.

My ex started pulling some crazy stunts, just doing crazy stuff, and I was

really scared. I didn't know what he was capable of. So I told her, I said,

Emma, you need to protect me tonight.

I slept on the couch so I could be more aware.

But I noticed that she slept like in the attention position.

She was like this. She was a German shepherd. I love shepherds.

She just slept like this, her ears up the entire time.

She'd get up every once in a while and she'd patrol the house.

And then she'd lay right back down next to me.

And she was there for me.

An animal would know.

I didn't think I'd ever find somebody who would love me and appreciate me.

I didn't see the point of living because I didn't think I would ever get over

the feel of what had been done to me.

When I was younger, I could still feel the guy's tongue sweating across my

And I had no control.

I had been in a panic attack for probably about 15 minutes. I had been

hyperventilating for about 15 minutes. I had no physical control over my body.

And he totally abused that.

And I remember he tried kissing me, sticking his tongue in my mouth. And

I mustered up the energy to push myself back just a little bit.

And when he was pulling his tongue out of my mouth, he was sliding it across my

face. I was 18.

My intentions on cutting myself was I knew that it was It took

the edge off I was able to get a clear head I Wanted to tell myself I wanted to

drive my car 90 miles an hour into a brick wall But I figured before I did

I would try cutting to see if I could take away the edge

She might need it.

a little bit of just bathroom stuff.

Yeah.

Yeah. I started doing scat.

I just kept doing, I started doing just like the regular, the piss stuff.

And then I got all these requests for it and I'm like, well, you know, I may as

well, I'm doing it. I may as well get paid for it, you know?

And I started doing the scat stuff, and I would get on my hands and knees, and I

would shit on the floor. It's very disgusting. I mean, like, when you see

the toilet, it doesn't look that bad, but when it's, like, all piled up on the

floor and... Oh, my gosh.

Disgusting. Oh, I would definitely vomit. The thought of it's making me

I'm going to eat my shit.

It's so good.

I would.

I would for the right amount of money.

Desperate times call for desperate measures. What can I say?

And then the scene just plays out from there. There's so many things you can do

with it.

It's great. I love it. Okay, cool.

I absolutely... It's incredible.

And the guy's kind of mean to you, right? The guy played by me is kind of

sadistic and really, really mean, but it's still okay, right? I mean, it's

in a nice way.

It's totally cool.

I have a total blast.

I realized I could switch it on and off like that to be so...

So sadistic and be so scared and terrified like, oh my God, I'm not going

make it out of here. And then next thing you know, I'm sitting here having a

beer, chilling.

I

was

raised in filth.

That's the only thing I could compare it to.

Our friends' houses weren't, you know, I mean, they didn't have cat shit

everywhere, but they weren't the cleanest, so I just thought it was

My place is pretty clean. Mm -hmm. Ain't no maggots.

I appreciate that.

Maggot -free.

Rock on.

Behind the scenes, that's awesome.

Maggot -free. Rock on.

So we're making, like, a really fun little...

Behind the scenes fucking thing.

Yeah.

Maggot -free frog fun.

I'm glad you like it.

The biography of Captive Candace.

That's me.

A shit -eating girl who likes maggot -free environments.

I do. I appreciate them very much.

So what are we doing now? What's happening now, dear?

I'm refilling very slowly.

Okay. We're refilling.

Because we have to do a lot more scenes. It's going to be a late night tonight,

dear. I hope you're okay with that.

I'm cool. I'm having a blast.

So much fun. I know.

I know.

I know.

Get all the laughing out.

Your first line is...

Do you think I'm sexy even though I have a lot of dick? Check this out.

I just peeled off all the blood and stuff from the plastic.

I got a plastic burn last time I was here.

I go back and I'm like, what the hell is that?

Oh, it must have been from the plastic.

You are so cute.

You're cutie.

Thank you.

Okay, yeah.

Straight ahead.

Looking into the camera or looking at you?

Hmm, you can look at me.

That's good. That's okay.

Do you think I'm sexy, even though I'm epileptic?

Any moment I can just fall over and start shaking and

banging around and hitting people and...

It's not sexy. It's freaky.

I think you're super hot.

You are.

I don't feel it.

You don't what? I don't feel it. I mean, I can...

I can be out shopping at any moment.

I can want to go and hang out with my friends, but I'm always scared that I'm

just going to, the strobe light's going to turn on, and I'm just going to fall

over, start banging around, hitting people, bust my head open at any time.

I know, but don't worry about it. You can't go through your whole life being

worried and scared about it.

You have epilepsy.

That's a fact.

Right? But you're still sexy. People still look at you. I see people when

out, like when we were at the mall the other day.

Guys check you out. Guys think you're hot.

Yeah, but they haven't seen it.

They haven't seen where I drop and I thrust around and I piss myself.

I mean, disgusting.

I have to carry extra clothes in my car because I pee myself.

My friends say they don't care, but I

know they're probably just as scared, but they're probably more embarrassed

me or anything to be around somebody like me.

Well, they're friends, and they might be worried and concerned about you.

And they want to make sure that you're safe.

But they're not, like, scared. They don't think that you're a freak.

They just want to... But I am a freak.

You're not a freak.

You have a physical condition.

I'd do anything to take it away.

I've always thought you were sexy.

I'm glad somebody does.

Well, I'm not the only one, but I definitely do.

And I've seen you have a seizure before, and I still think you're sexy.

See?

See, now you're smiling.

It's fine.

You see, and you shouldn't worry about it, because that'll...

Make it worse. If you don't think about it, it's better.

But it's there.

I have to think about it. I always have to be prepared.

I don't want to hurt somebody.

My elbow gets tossed out and I nail somebody in the face.

I don't want to hit my friends.

I don't want to put that kind of burden on them.

Sometimes I just want to stay locked up.

Where nobody can ever...

I can't ever hurt anybody.

I can't ever embarrass anybody again.

Well, you're my little sister, right?

And your big brother will always take care of you. You know that, right?

I accept you exactly the way you are. I've known you your whole life, and I've

seen this my whole life.

It doesn't bother me.

And it shouldn't bother any guy who's going to be with you.

Why would anybody want to be with me?

I mean, friends are one thing. Friends, you know, come and go. But who's going

to want to be with somebody that they have to worry about?

Someone who actually truly cares about you.

That's it.

I don't think I'll ever find him.

Well, I care about you no matter what.

Not because I'm your brother.

Thank you.

Well, we're family and we've got to stick together no matter what.

I think you're pretty, sis.

I know, it's kind of weird.

That's the latest.

I mean, we grew up in the same house.

I've seen you fall down and hit the floor.

I still thought it was Becky when you were shaking and convulsing on the

I'll show you that someone can like you no matter what, epilepsy or not.

Let's just pretend.

Okay.

Stand up, little sister.

So you're going to change into your bathing suit.

You sure about that?

Yeah.

You don't mind changing in front of your brother, do you?

I don't know. It feels a little weird.

Anyone would be crazy to not want that body.

Come on, sit down. I want to show you something.

I'll show you something.

Just sit there.

Just fucking look at me.

Let's see.

Turn the lights off, girl.

What are you doing?

I just want to show you how pretty you are.

No.

Yeah. Please.

Please don't do this now. I just want to show you how pretty you are.

Please don't do this now.

I just want to show you how pretty you are, see?

Okay?

Please.

Does that make you feel a little dizzy?

Thank you.

I didn't go to the hospital until the next day. I called him, and he was like,

well, it's really bad. We won't have it all. You can wrap it up for now.

We'll wait for the hospital later. So wrapped it up real tight. As I woke up,

had two bottles, and I puked them out in the waiting room, the emergency room.

I had to get the fist up. I kept puking it up over and over again in a teeth.

It's so amazing.

Because sometimes you lose control.

You

don't

know how to gauge what's real and what's not and what

hurts and what doesn't.

just to gamble from then on.

It's either real or it's not.

You're gonna do anything I fucking tell you, right?

Yes, Master.

Tell me what to do.

I'll do exactly what you say.

No matter what it is.

I'm a total fucking slave.

Yes, not your master.

What happened to you?

I'm being protected by the devil.

You know,

Part of the benefits of, you know, giving yourself up to the devil and

worshipping the devil is, you know, protection and,

you know, getting your prayers answered.

He looks out for my life because I've devoted my life to him,

so...

He protects my life because it's sacred to him.

My body belongs to you.

That was good.

I've been close to death.

Like a hairline, you know, fracture away from death.

So many times.

And I just feel like I've got like, you know, a guardian angel looking over me

because I should have been dead by now.

Does that feel good for you?

It's like you feel the pain, but you kind of separate from it. So you feel

but you don't at the same time. It's like kind of paralleled.

I'm being choked, Pastor.

You know those little girls, those tiny little girls that they dress up and they

make them look like cute little dolls and put makeup on them and put cute

outfits on them. They do little pageants and they compete against each other to,

like, be, like, the cutest and, like, well, you know, whatever.

Yeah. Well, John Ray Ramsey was this, like, cute little girl. I can't remember

how old she was. Yeah, six. So she was a young one.

Gorgeous. Like, cute little girl.

Looked like a, like, doll.

Pretty much.

And she got, like, she got murdered. So they thought that her parents

did it.

And then, like, there was a guy who I think he

confessed to the murder.

All these weird circumstances. Like, they found her in the basement of the

in this one room, I think. And I think she was...

either tied up like she was bound it could be that the parents like a mom

specifically maybe she wasn't very good looking growing up and she wants to live

vicariously through her daughter and wants to see her daughter good attention

and you know see her loved and adored by people because they didn't have that

and a lot of moms want to live vicariously through their daughters

It was the middle of the day. I was sitting on my bed.

It was a beautiful day. The sun was shining.

The sun was coming in my window.

Nothing really had happened that day.

It was kind of like a normal day in my life. I was 11 years old. I'm in grade

I'm just a little girl.

I had my homework stuff out.

I wasn't, like, doing anything. Like, I wasn't, like, doing my homework. I

wasn't reading a book. I wasn't talking to anyone. I was just sitting on my bed,

just kind of, like, zoning out. And it almost felt like someone sat down beside

me on my bed.

And it almost felt like someone was just sitting with me.

And they were, without words, without, like,

you know, without communicating in any...

physical or, like, auditory way. They sort of were, like, kind of...

And I just looked over, and it was so shiny. It was like a silver made out of

metal. It's so shiny, and it has this, like, compelling feeling. Like, this

feeling just came over me from, like, this weird presence, you know,

kind of encouraging me to...

You know, I don't even know why I did it. Like, it was like someone encouraged

me to.

And I just had this feeling like I was in a trance, feeling that I wanted to do

it, and it happened.

You think, oh, that's a little bit painful.

But it's almost like I didn't feel anything. It's almost like whoever

to do it didn't want me to feel pain because they wanted me to do it badly

enough.

So it's almost like I was so out of it, and I just did it.

Like you can feel it, but it doesn't make you uncomfortable.

It doesn't make you want to stop.

Kind of accept it, you know. It's not like it turns you on or anything. It's

just a sacrifice that you're making if you accept it. It doesn't hurt. You

even feel it. It's just like you're not even there, you know. Like you get into

such a trance. You're just like passing away. Like it felt right. Like it felt

like the right thing to do.

Everyone's having so much fun, like, just interacting, being social, being

happy. And all of a sudden, I felt like I was in this weird little bubble, and I

couldn't, like, connect to anyone. I'm completely alone. Like, I'm watching my

friends have fun together and hang out.

I went out back in the alleyway, and I, like, crossed the alleyway, and I was

leaning up against the garage door. I felt like the world was ending for me.

Like, I...

complete and utter despair and sorrow like I wanted I was and I fell down on

knees and I'm just like leaning against the garage door and

wanting like someone to just come and pick me up and save me and I

must have been out there for a long time and I all of a sudden felt like a

guillotine fell down in front of me and like chopped off my existence

And they were there in front of me, like, and I felt like I couldn't reach

and I felt like they couldn't notice me, they weren't looking at me, and if I

said something, they didn't hear me, and I felt like I wasn't, I didn't exist to

them, and they didn't exist to me, but they were there, and I could see them.

I was just, I was, like, just begging for him to just, like, someone to help

It was out of nowhere, and it was unexplainable. There was nothing to

it. It just happened.

And I'll never forget it.

What better way to get the attention of your God, you know, than to release your

blood? Because that's a big sacrifice, is your own blood. And that's a really

good way to, you know, to pray and to do a ritual.

You know, growing up, Not having a religion in my family, I just felt like

was something out there, and I wanted to reach out to it, and I was always

praying to God, and that really didn't work, and then things started getting

dark for me.

Like, dark.

And I felt like that darkness

was leading me to the devil.

And when I kept getting closer to that point, that's when better things started

happening to me. And, you know, dreams were coming true and prayers were being

answered and my life started changing and things were turning around for me.

And that's when I feel like I kind of, you know, hit the nail on the head, you

know, when I found the devil.

It takes a second for the blood to come out, and all of a sudden, it just kind

of starts rushing out.

And it's just like, blood, like the blood red, again, pale skin, is one of

most amazing things to me. It just like, it gushes out.

And it's like, that's me, that's my body, that's my blood, you know. The

part, like... you know that keeps you alive that flows through your body at

times it's constantly moving it's your blood it's your life it's alive and it's

there your your essence like the essence of your physical being anyways your

physical being your vessel

And sometimes I feel like my body needs to bleed because I feel so trapped that

I want to get out.

You're letting something out, but you're also letting something in.

It's an exchange, almost like when you breathe.

And I'm also, you know, letting the devil in and inviting him in and saying,

I'm, you know, bleeding for you because I need you to come in and help me be

in this body.

you

Wait until I fucking puke.

I'll be back tomorrow.

And so today is November 21st, 2010, is that correct?

That's correct. Cool. So you just sat with me for two nights in a row.

Yeah. So how were the shoots?

They were great.

Great? Yeah. How did the directors treat you?

Awesome. Okay, cool.

Was everything explained to you prior to shooting as far as the things that we

may do or use during shooting?

Absolutely. Cool. So you had an understanding of what we were about to

we did it.

And then we did it, and so after tonight's shoot, do you need any medical

attention? No.

Okay, cool.

Would you like to come back and do more work with me in the future?

Absolutely. You would? Great. I would love to work with you because you're

awesome.

Okay, babe. Well, take care. We'll talk to you later, all right? Bye. Bye.

I usually puke, like, a lot.

You blush it.

Behind the scenes footage.

You're gorgeous.

Good job.

More to come.

I am just going to... Certainly are.

It's like... I feel that being submissive, like a part of it is being

able to do what your master wants you to do for yourself.

If someone wants you to do something and you want to please them, you'll do it.

And you don't really feel pain.

It's part of, like, to me being submissive is, yeah,

wanting to please the don't, I guess. So instead of feeling the actual physical

pain, you're just feeling the desire to fulfill the master's. Yeah, I feel good

that I'm doing what's asked of me.

It's like the reward of, you know, getting the pain and feeling, yeah.

You're awesome.

Okay. So you did fucking amazing. We're just getting started.

You're a natural.

You've never been on camera doing this shit before ever, right? Never.

It's the first time ever.

Yep. You're fucking great. Oh my god. So here we are more between scenes. We're

going to do another scene coming up.

But look at you. I'm just admiring how fucking gorgeous you are. This is

That literally looks like you've been through a war.

I have. It's called life.

The war called life.

I think it's super hot.

I like the 13 stitches.

Yeah, 13.

Lucky number 13.

Good God.

You always wanted to be a model?

Well, no, I didn't. I wanted to be an actress my whole life.

You did? Yeah, I did, actually.

When you were like a little kid or what?

Yeah, up until I was like, you know, 12.

What did you want to do? What kind of acting?

Movies, big movies.

I wanted to be a famous actress.

You wanted to be a movie star?

Oh yeah, for sure.

I took acting lessons when I was like 12.

I wanted to be a movie star.

In Hollywood?

Anywhere. I just wanted to be famous.

I just wanted to be in movies.

Because it's abnormal.

It's interesting to look at.

It's disgusting.

It disturbs people.

Why do you want to disturb people so badly?

I don't like people.

They're boring.

They, um...

They're all the same.

I think different is good.

You can create as much as you want, but you can't have creation without

destruction. You can't have destruction without creation.

You have to destroy to create.

If you want to create yourself, you have to first destroy yourself.

I hate you.

I love my big brother.

I love my big brother.

Dear big brother, I'm sorry that I can't do anything without you. Dear big

brother, I'm sorry I was born nervous.

I'm so sorry I haven't taken my medication in over a year.

That's why I need you here.

Please hurry.

How skinny you got for me, Lester.

I died again.

AJ, stop!

I don't think what we're doing is wrong.

Because if you love someone, it's the only truth that matters.

Let's keep it in the family.

I felt like a changed life.

I'll always come back to you, master.

I'll always come back for more.

Fuck me like a ghost.

Because I have nowhere else to go.

So I'll keep coming back to haunt you. Because that's what I'm good for.

that's what I am.

Will you marry me? Will you thwart me out? Threaten me a thousand times.

Fucking kill me, master.

Take my call to court.

Fuck me like a ghost.

I look at myself in the mirror.

And I see you, master.

Good morning idiot.

I fucking hate you.

It's okay, big brother.

You can use me to get to her.

Open me up and use me. I'll be her grave.

I'll dress like her for you. I'll wear high heels.

Please, please make me look like her. I'll be her. I'll do anything.

Please let me be her for you.

I am her.

Please fuck me like I'm her.

Please. I can be what

you want.

I'm wearing my pigtails. I don't know how to do anything. I can't do anything

right. Hit me as hard as you can. I have no idea how far I'll go. Come on, big

brother. Teach me how to fuck.

I disappointed big brother today.

I disappointed myself today.

I need to be punished so fucking badly.

Bye.

You and I would never know.

How are we supposed to know?

One. Two.

Three. Four.

Five.

Six.

Seven.

Eight.

Nine.

Ten. Eleven.

13. 14.

15.

16. 17.

One more, please. Make it a good one.

18.

Please, big brother.

I need you forever.

Give me more, Master. Harder.

It won't make me bleed, Master.

I'll do anything you say, big brother.

Thank you, big brother.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Hit me as hard as you can, big brother.

Oh, my

God.

Hit me again, big brother.

As hard as you can.

Kill me, big brother.

I'm going to die for you, big brother.

Kill me, big brother. Kill me, master.

My mom passed away when I was four years old.

I've heard lots of different stories about why my mom passed away.

When I was younger, I was told that she died of a heart attack.

But when I got to an age where I could really understand what truly happened,

sister told me that she had passed away of a drug overdose.

She choked on her vomit in her sleep.

And I remember the night that she passed away almost perfectly. I remember.

Being in my bedroom with my sister, I remember the sirens, and I remember

hearing footsteps in the hallway and just touched voices.

And my sister and I would poke our heads out of the bedroom, and my dad would

say, oh, get back in your room.

I don't remember really understanding anything, you know, because I guess I

so young.

But at the funeral, I remember sitting in the front row.

Right in front of the casket, and I remember walking up to the casket, and I

my hand on her hand. I grabbed it.

I remember climbing into the casket and kind of sitting on her chest. I was so

confused. I didn't quite understand why her hand was so cold. It didn't feel

real. It didn't feel like her.

It's not what she felt like, and she was so pale.

She was never, ever pale, and her makeup looked disgusting.

And I remember the looks on my grandparents' faces. They looked so

and heartbroken, and then they took me outside.

I only have, like, a couple memories of her. I remember her teaching me how to

swing when I was really little.

When she signed me up for kindergarten, she taught me how to swing.

She would leave me at home by myself. I was three.

She would go to the grocery store to buy cigarettes or something, and then she

would come back, and she would, like, ask me what had happened on Baywatch,

I would tell her what happened.

And, um... I remember... I

don't remember.

I don't remember much.

I wish I could have gotten to know more about her. You know, like, I wish I

knew... Her favorite color or her favorite band or her favorite movie.

I think the only things I got from her were probably tall and skinny.

My mom was like a supermodel.

My mom's favorite drug was cocaine, and I do cocaine sometimes.

It makes me feel a lot closer to her. I feel like that's something we could have

shared together if she... Oh, how old was she when she passed away?

Oh, I think she was 33, maybe.

Maybe 32.

I do cocaine to feel closer to my mom.

She didn't.

And she always had very, very, very long nails.

I like to think it was for the cocaine. She always had such long nails. And in

the casket, she did not have long nails. And I thought, that can't be my mom.

My mom wouldn't.

I don't know if I can say that I missed her because I never really got the

chance to know her, you know. So I was mostly raised by...

My sister, she liked to slam my head into the refrigerator.

My sister now, she holds some kind of strange grudge to my mother.

And I don't really understand why, because my mom never really did anything

anybody.

She was a really good person.

I've been diagnosed with a lot of things.

Bipolar, menopause, borderline personality disorder, ADHD,

OCD, schizophrenic, schizoaffective, Prozac, lithium, Zoloft, Paxil,

Respiradol, Adderall, Ritalin, Advant, Klonopin, Xanax, 24 pills a day, dude.

Lamectal, Respiradol, Trizodone, Theracol. Every single one I took had a

bad effect.

I think my mom was crazy, legitimately.

My mom was the kind of person, every single day, she would tell us, I'm

this car next week, I'm starting this job. for getting this house. We had

nothing. I learned that Santa Claus didn't exist.

I know I fucked up. I had just gotten out of prison and I wanted to get my

together. I had a baby while I was in prison. She was 18 months old when I

home. I came home from prison. I was doing three to four grams of fucking raw

heroin a day.

I've been a junkie for 20 years.

I guess the way I was raised, I'm not.

Stable. Instability.

People have boxes they live in. Their parents' boxes.

I want a box that keeps me safe. If I had that, maybe I'd have my kids or

something or anything I own.

I started using heroin again.

because I didn't have a choice. I was sick.

My husband left. He went out to sea. He was going to leave me. He dumped me off

in Virginia with the baby in like a car that broke down in a hotel. I was living

in a hotel at the time. I was basically using him. I wanted somebody.

He's going to leave you. Take your kid. You don't have any family. I thought I

was going to die. So I started to get depressed.

And I started doing fucking cocaine again.

I chased love like a crackhead. Love that wasn't there.

I was shooting.

How much fucking crack? It was ridiculous.

I learned how to murder myself in the purest form. Prison wasn't that bad. No

one tried to fight me. I tried to kill a couple girls.

I don't know if you've ever heard voices.

When you really hear voices, you don't know the difference.

I OD'd.

They were all dead. Everything was fucked up and dirty.

Now, keep in mind, there's real people actually robbing me. and guns to my head

breaking into my house. And I hit my head up here.

There was no one there to protect me. I remember talking to myself.

I'm like, fuck you.

Over the next few weeks, my eye turned black.

And I walked by the hallway, and there was a toddler bed in there I painted for

her. And I saw a silhouette of her, just the black.

I feel like my whole body shuddered, and I died. Then I realized, bitch, you're

going to get lost.

So I ran out the door, just left it open.

I've dealt with anorexia, bulimia, forever, I guess, between all the drugs

doing and that. I mean, I weighed 67 pounds. I looked at myself in the

and I saw a fat person.

I never really left my room. I would drink and then make myself nauseous, and

would throw up. And, you know, I didn't want to leave my bedroom, so I would

throw up into little Ziploc plastic baggies, and I would keep them

bed.

I would just sit and binge all day.

And then I would eat more.

People become anorexic because of some sort of body dysmorphia. They're not

comfortable with how they look. I personally am not comfortable with how I

I would prefer to be much skinnier. I would like for you to be able to see

bone, every shadow between every bone. I feel like that would be beautiful, but

I can't seem to get myself any smaller than this.

No matter how hard I try, no matter how hard I throw up, no matter how many days

I go without eating, no matter how many drugs I take, I'm still over 90 pounds.

And that's not skinny enough.

I would die to look like a skeleton.

I think 85 pounds would be perfect.

But what if when I get there, I'm not perfect and I have to get smaller?

Then I would get smaller.

I would just keep pushing and pushing until I get to that.

Perfect size.

I remember when I was 120 pounds and just looked like a normal person to

everybody else. But to me, I looked horrendous. I looked like a beached

the night.

I thought, I'll get down to 100 pounds, and that'll be great.

And then I got down to 100 pounds, and I thought, this isn't good enough.

I was so excited about double digits.

I got down to 95, and I thought, I could be smaller.

Double digits wasn't good enough. Then I pushed myself a little bit more, and I

got down to 92.

Once I even made it down to 89, and that was amazing.

I got to 89, I felt.

So beautiful. It was so small and so light. It was definitely the best I ever

felt about myself.

And I just gained it right back.

Sure, it was only like four pounds, but that's pretty important to me. I don't

want that four pounds. I wish that that four pounds could be cut off of my skin,

but I don't know how much flesh I could cut off before I stop existing.

When you're that malnourished, your brain just doesn't work properly.

I had to convince these motherfuckers that I wasn't retarded. Now I'm

I was stripping at night. I had a boyfriend. He cheated on me with this

and she made lots of money. I was like, oh, my God. Maybe if I was a whore, I'd

make money. When I got locked up, I was pregnant. So they sent me to the only

maximum security prison for women.

My mom was gone at this point. My mom just disappeared. And I remember I'd cry

and say to my dad, like, what are you, pregnant?

What the fuck's wrong with you? Do you want to be a liar like your mom?

They give you a turtle suit? Which is the...

green thick post of velcro like a dress thing she got on a bus i heard and went

to florida with the two box turtles on a greyhound and never came back all in

all i've had a lot of i guess concussion head trauma. I guess it caused some

problems in my head.

Schizophrenia is the most evil thing on earth. It is not natural. Nobody should

go through it. If you could imagine all your insecurities coming in full force,

that's how the voices are in your head. Everyone you've ever loved, people you

even forgot, you'll hear their voices talking and things aren't there. But I

remember his eyes and his face. His face was really swollen. Clear as day, it

was real to me, just like my daughter. And I won't lie to you, I called

everyone. I'm like, is she alive? Is she okay?

I haven't seen her to this day.

I've seen pictures.

I've OD'd on the psychiatric medicine they gave me. I saw her dead body.

I kept seeing shit. If I sat down on my couch, I should be under the couch.

There was something in the bed. I'd smell it. I'd see it.

Some guys are going to make you do some fucked up shit, girl.

I could do it. I could definitely escort, but I could also be very, very

nervous. I was really good at murdering myself and making money. I could easily

get... murdered i would do it a risk i would take for the money they want to

call you a whore they want to call you a slut depending on how much money it was

i feel like i could charge a lot for somebody to fuck me domination that's

i was really doing i loved it i love people that want me to do things for

like a regular boring vanilla fuck would be probably like i would probably

charge like three hundred dollars they want to slap your face they want to bit

in your face.

Blowjob would be like easy, like a hundred.

They want to make you their dirty little hooker. You want me to take my dressing

out on you? You want me to treat you like shit?

I would charge, of course, more for like anal or any kind of like abuse that

they wanted to do.

Yeah, you've been abused too. That's cool. But I would do anything for the

amount of money. Whatever makes you happy, bro. Give me some money. I need

because your problem is you've been abused and you've got money. My problem

need a box to live in, bitch. So you have to be ready.

Sometimes

They want to hear you choking.

They want to hear you gasping for air. They want to hear you struggling to

breathe. They want to see your face turn blue.

So you got to know how to hang yourself.

Maybe because I like it.

I definitely do like it. I feel like I like it so much that it could kill me

day.

I'm like 18.

I got a job at the strip club.

Eventually, I went through a hard time. They're like, we'll take care of you.

All right, you get to fuck people for a living. I'm like, what? They will buy

you whatever you want. Look, it'll be like four months. I won't say shit. I'm

gangster. I'm walking around the streets. I get raped. I get fucking

Whatever, whatever.

I handle it, right? I'll see a friend. It'll be like vomit.

Actually, I started a girlfriend of mine was doing it. One night, she asked me

to come out on a call with her because...

She needed another girl. And I went. I made money. And that was it. I ended up

being really good.

Like, one night, she asked me to go on a call for her because she was dope sick.

So I was like, all right, fine.

So I show up at this place, and it's four Romanian dudes.

I was definitely scared for my life on several occasions.

Those situations aren't easy to get out of. The girl that got me started doing

it, one night she called me. I started out working for her. She taught me how

be a hoe. You don't kiss people. My first job.

Dress them up like girls.

Humiliate them. Step on their balls.

Choke them.

Degrade them. Dress me up like a girl and beat me. Fuck them in the ass.

They would pay me. Do them in the butt. Like, true control.

You'd be that bitch that does it right. Handy business.

So I introduced them to things. It's home. Just wanted to do shit on them,

on them. I remember this one time I'd made, like, $2 ,500.

I got kidnapped once and taken.

See, the other girlfriend was this Catholic, good girl type thing. She'd

been with a girl before.

And I got to, like, teach her. You know what I mean? Like, she wanted to know

what to do and she wanted... I was like, all right, this is what you got to do.

He told her, you need to learn to fuck dick like Raven. I want you to do it

she does.

And so I would give her lessons.

I mean, basically, I showed her what to do, and I explained to her. At the end

of the day, she still wasn't as good as me. For real, don't be afraid. You have

to open up your throat. You have to really focus.

Suck into the giant cock.

Oh, my God, I'm a whore now.

He molested me in my sleep. He's banging her. Why do you want him? He's taking

all your money. I ran away after he smashed a table on some chick's head. I

don't trust you or your instincts.

Okay, yeah, that's my pussy money, bitch. I'm gonna buy something real.

ticket out of this shit. That's when I left. I'm like, well, fuck it. You're

pretty much marked.

There's all these creepy guys, and they came at lunchtime. I'm like, do you have

wives and lives?

I didn't know how to fight it. Couldn't, but I ran away when I could because I

love him and I don't know what to do. So he had to put me in my place.

Um, it would be assault on a jail person of a jail person.

I ripped a blood pressure cuff off my arm, dude. I'm butt naked in a cage.

Scared of people at that point. I should have gotten out of the first charge

and, you know, I had that second one. Yeah, if I was acting fucking crazy,

I'm hiding on the bench, it's a minimum sentence if I get charged.

I want a house and a house. I don't care how big it is. I speak Boktai. Because

of my children, I want guns lining it. Yeah, don't fuck with me. I'm gonna

them. And then die. I need to. It's not that I want to. I'm never the best

choice. I miss him more than he misses me. Every day being desperate with a

I always had high standards for my drug usage.

I earned it. I tell the bitches at work, like, the strip club, like, bro, don't

buy, like, $10 worth every fucking 10 minutes. Buy a gram. Buy an A -ball. Do

something. Because you know what you look like? It's not, like, look like to

other people. It's look like to yourself. That's your fucking soul. I'm

The only reason I'm trying to die is because I'm just sitting on that street

corner, like, looking stupid.

On my 13th birthday, I went to the mall with my grandmother.

And then when I came home, I noticed that my dad was out of his mind drunk,

he seemed very unhappy and depressed.

So I went into my bedroom, and then I heard some kind of commotion in the

hallway. My father's girlfriend was holding a knife to his throat.

She was crying, and she was screaming at him because he hid her medication. I'm

not sure what kind of mental illness she had.

Then she tried to kill him. I just kind of hid away in my room. I called my best

friend on my phone, and I cried to her for hours about my horrible 13th

birthday. To apologize to me for ruining my birthday, my father bought me a

guitar that I never learned how to play.

He never taught me how to play.

He was probably too busy drinking to teach me.

I'll do anything for you.

100 % would do anything for me, Master.

You could turn me out right now.

You could put me on the street.

Would you own me, Master?

I'm gonna make a lot of money for my master.

I don't care what I have to do.

I'm gonna go out and get that.

I don't care if getting skinny is dangerous or unhealthy.

I'm not afraid of dying from being skinny.

I would like to die from being skinny.

Number five.

pretty empty already who's responsible for you why are we supposed to be in

these emergency situations i didn't know quitting methadone would be so intense

it's liquid handcuffs and they still call me a terrible person yeah i'm still

living through it because i lived through everything how many times can i

this bitch through her house

Do you have any words for me, baby?

Like,

he

was not afraid to fucking hit me. I don't know why guys are so afraid to hit

He made me stupid.

Like, he fucked me up. He locked me in a closet.

Stabbed me. Like, threw me in a corner. He ripped my shirt off. Pours 100 % out.

alcohol all over my body which burned all the cuts like i was leaving there

black eyes and i had a bruise on my jaw that went all the way across the day

here at my jaw to the point i couldn't eat for like three weeks what better way

to get your aggression out than punch a girl in the face i remember playing dead

for a minute

Get that opportunity.

I pissed you off a week ago because I did some dumb shit. Guess what? You can

smack me around later and fucking get that shit out your system. Every time I

would go for the door to the stairs, that's when you'd really get mad.

It just feels right.

I like to get hit. I like to be called a filthy whore.

It's just, it makes me happy.

And I kept going back.

I mean, I like to be smacked. I definitely like to be smacked.

Occasionally, I like to be punched in the face.

Oh, no. What's wrong with me? I like to be choked.

My face.

My fucking horse face.

I want to feel like my fucking eyes are going to pop out of my head and my lips

are going to fucking explode.

I love lots of things. They don't love me.

Like, I want to feel like I might die.

To this day, I'm not sure what he wanted from me.

That's what it turned out to be.

After

my mom

died, her mom died.

I think because she just couldn't take the fact that her daughter was gone, I

guess.

I had an apartment with my first husband. I swear I don't want to kick

out of my own apartment every week. At first, we were fucking perfect.

And then I started.

I knew he was going to just dump me off, man.

I saw it coming.

And then he did. And then me and my baby were alone.

And I'm like, what am I supposed to do with baby all by myself?

He was in the service.

You can't just dump off your wife. I didn't know what to do. I don't like

worthless. But I also can't hold my own.

I didn't care. I actually wanted to die, but once I had kids, I realized I

couldn't. Whatever you do, you're supposed to do it right. That's why if

gonna do drugs and murder yourself, then you do drugs and murder yourself. Then

you fucking do it right. Don't lie to yourself.

Meth is some fucked up shit. It actually kills your brain, the way I feel about

it. Alright, y 'all are still acting crazy. Get out of the fucking carpet,

asshole. I remember hiding under the bed.

I'm in the fucking turtle suit, bro.

The suit that I watch. When you're right, you're right. My foot is, like,

purple. I swear to God, I thought I was gonna lose my feet. I'm like, you can't

be poor. no feet. So I told this bitch, I'm like, look at this shit, I need a

hospital. He kept saying the nurse was gonna come.

I was kind of belligerent at this point, and I'm like, dude, this is the

problem. Pounding, pain.

He took me from a hospital to jail. Fuck is y 'all's problem? And this lady, she

wasn't trying to have it. Look at my feet, bitch. Look at my fucking feet.

They carried me upstairs.

This shit looks like flesh. I'm hiding under the bed. I'm trying to climb on

of the bed. They won't even give me a toothbrush, because I'm in the suicide

watch, so I'm butt naked. With this little, like, it looks like an x -ray

This is what I truly believe. If you're out of your fucking mind, you make it to

a hospital with toes or body. fall off you did something for yourself send me

psych ward fix my goddamn toes don't send me to fucking jail for trespassing

what the fuck if you're homeless someday a cop's gonna fuck with you you know

what i'm saying people can tell the difference between a person that knows

what's going on and doesn't there's a difference look at my feet so like it's

been a week and a half and i've been in the jail i've tried to sleep in every

corner i've peeped around the corners i've hid under the bed yeah i'm driving

legally i'm homeless i'm living in this car peeping out the window what the fuck

are you doing what the fuck are you doing you're being pointless i'm a dick

this shit i know makes me want my I get more, but on the street, the only people

that pick you up are like, hey, how you doing? You homeless?

Yeah, I'm dirty for like three weeks. And they're like, you want this dick? 20

bucks. Oh, really?

Because there's a point when you get drunk off of just being fucking tired

scared. Sure, I guess I'll let you help me. If you promise.

And they go, bam.

You get like raped in your sleep or some shit. I ended up getting raped a lot.

Like five times.

I was exhausted in front of this fucking gas station.

I just want to put a dick in something that's dirty.

I probably should have sucked some dicks for 20 bucks.

to get a bus to get home.

I'm cooking it back.

You're gonna do good.

You have to do it right.

Do it right.

You're gonna go all out.

You're going to be out there. My girls have a look.

People know who my girls are.

Don't make a mess like me.

And they know what they're getting with my girls.

Now you're going to be too wasted to think.

Why do people do drugs?

I'm going to give you a shotgun.

Make sure you close your mouth all the way around my mouth because I'm going

to... blow your head off first rule always look better than every other

you're high better fake that you're not don't be looking desperate don't do

anything for drugs because that takes the price down if you don't have your

faith right you're not getting anywhere you have to make sure that you are

flawless

If you pay attention, you can be a beast too.

Lastly is when you fuck.

Pretend like you're important. Never have a pimp. Pretend like you have one,

make up your own shit. Your job is to give them what they want, lure them in,

and try to keep as many as you can.

But you have to make them want you around.

I gotta get that cash first. Thank you. We don't eat out of candy bowls around

here. Money can buy you things. Make sure that what you're getting before you

start is what you want.

You gotta remember, they're with you because they're not getting what they

Give them what they want, and they will want to keep you forever.

They'll want to marry you.

What are we doing here, bro? What do you want me to do? How much do I get? Name

a price.

Make it high.

Ridiculously high.

Remember this. You're the shit.

Like, these motherfuckers want you. They need you. You're the boss.

Don't not be a boss.

Never give anyone your money.

Never be pimped. Unless you're pimping yourself.

Because that's how you get somewhere. And if you're hoeing around, you're not

getting anywhere.

You're doing wrong.

You better be paying rent, bills, cars.

If you keep them happy, you really will have everything you want.

Apartment, phone, clothes, money. You won't have to do anything.

Hand in your business and don't hold it.

It's a job. That's how you treat it. When you walk in the door, you talk like

it's a job. Hey, what am I getting? What are you getting?

Good job.

I love giving shotguns.

Never bring them to your home. Always use disposable phones.

Number one rule, never be pimped. You're selling your soul, dude.

Head, foot, whatever.

It's all the same. We're giving a show. We're being somebody.

We're getting that money. And that's how you play it. Even if you're working a

strip club, dude, the girls will fit with the same dude. Oh, he's mine. You

don't want the same dude. You want all the dudes. If you walk around that

he'd be untouchable. Hi, hi, hi.

Look good. Lips are very important.

Chances are if he's not looking at your tits, he's looking at your mouth.

When you get on stage, you rock it. Act like you're shit. People believe it.

Even if you're lying to yourself, even if you're lying to everyone else, don't

let them know. Believe what you are and take what you want.

Always be the one in control. Never be scared. You can't show fear. These guys

that you'll meet will be very intimidating.

They will not talk to you in public. But that's the wonderful part because

you're the secret between all the darkness.

I'm going to try to really blow your head off.

I'm going to say hopefully you have security.

I didn't have any. If you run into a bad situation, pretend like you have

people. Like, you call me on Craigslist, but I have a fucking escort service. I

got this, I got that.

And then number two, run. Run the fuck away, huh? For what money you lost, this

and that, run.

If you can't run, we can fight, but sometimes it's not worth it.

You have to look good.

Trashy is good.

You never kiss a trick.

Like, if you are fucking, never kiss, always wear a condom.

Crack dick. Call him, bro. Can't get your shit hard. Have a great day.

time limit here.

There's nothing personal about hustling. For me, it was about living.

For a lot of people, it is. Don't be desperate.

Never be desperate in the game. Because you have to spend money to make money.

Because it's your life. You're risking your life, your body, your soul.

It's the only time you can beat somebody up, take out your aggression.

Like, say somebody's whooped your ass for years.

Anything can be a fetish. They all have a story. Don't get too in -depth with

it. Be concerned.

Ain't a thing.

I like your story.

And when they want to be humiliated or degraded, play the part.

Whatever they want. If you're fucking someone in the ass that never did it

before, okay, I'll introduce you in the right way. Know what you're doing. I'm

on the frontier of your asshole, brah.

much money.

Remember that.

You're welcome.

She was with my second baby dad. He didn't even show up the night I had the

baby. I was out on the street with a backpack.

They didn't care. Eventually this bitch moved in. My daughter calls her mom.

I don't know what to tell you about that.

But it breaks my heart.

She looks just like me. She doesn't even look a thing like this. Can't be mad at

this point. I love everything about them. I'd love to be in their life.

I've made mistakes.

I was in prison. I had made the decision to give my baby up for adoption because

I didn't want him to have to deal with it. When I had her, the guy from the

adoption agency had just walked out of my room. And I have my baby in one arm

and profiles for families who are willing to do open adoption in my other

I was planning on letting her go because I thought that's what would be best for

her. Before I got locked up, I was sleeping with my ex -boyfriend.

sure who she was until she popped out and I saw her face. I went, fuck.

Like I said, my mom, she was the biggest lying bitch I've ever known. I'm not

scared of that.

I'm not scared of what I am.

Schizophrenia comes and I go on a fucking joyride.

I was hurt initially when I realized what this world was about. And now I'm

sorry I brought innocent people into it. Do you want that? Look at this.

Why'd you take me from the hospital to jail? When you go too far. Because I'm a

real person. She is fucked up. We're humans.

I don't know what to do. They won't let me see my baby.

I remember taking naps with them every afternoon.

Getting bottles every morning. Making sure I had diapers when I got paid. My

husband throwing lit cigarettes on us in bed. I could handle it. like getting

hit getting choked like i see logic and people don't i don't get it if a guy

fixes your car and wants you to say don't send your kid to be babysitted by

my son loved me He was the first one. No, you're not gonna. They're gonna lie

you. It's a plot.

If you're one person against a group, I'm always one person. My son loves me.

used to put him to bed every night. I used to try and protect him from

everything that I've seen.

Even if I wasn't here, this is happening.

I can't take care of myself.

You're an adult. If you can't take care of yourself, you completely lost your

mind. There's a voice in your head telling you to, like, put a gun to your

and eat bleach, and you're doing it? Who the fuck is supposed to help you? You

can go to the psych ward and then you get back out.

They told me another time I killed my grandma. I'm just like my mom. I could

have had a great life.

She's not pregnant.

Now, they're going to want those.

You have to make sure you do it right.

You've got such a pretty face.

Everyone is going to want you so bad.

Oh.

Thank you.

I want to take care and surround him and protect him from all the shit I've

seen. And I always did. In my mind, lately, I took care of my son. I love

I love him so much.

And he's more than able to.

I didn't realize it would be like that.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

My God.

You're kind of a piece of shit.

Just walk away.

You're right.

I had the best intentions.

I noticed things.

I was trying to keep him away from things.

And he saw things.

I had like a taste of a life I've never had before.

I took care of him. I did what I did. I got barely any sleep. I went to work. It

was awesome.

And I was happy.

I was scared to lose him.

I'm always scared of him.

I don't belong anywhere.

I got beat up too long. People use and abuse me. It's my fault I go back.

It's my fault I care, I believe that it'll change.

I think people will change a lot. In real life, I'm bitter about the world

because everything I love, I can't be.

How old are you?

I am 23 years old.

Good morning.

I'm good. How are you?

Oh, you're talking to him.

Chippy, how are you?

He said he's doing good. Thank you for asking.

My shirt is off already.

I'm feeling crazy. I don't know.

The plan for today is I'm going to do a show every 500 tokens.

And I have a new video for sale.

So if you could get like five people in here to like buy my video then that's

five new tokens right there and Then I'll do a show and then you can do it

over again. I'll do a show all over again Do

you

like my new mouse? Now I don't have to fucking be like Up here all the time

talking to you guys.

This feels a lot better.

I got some new toys over the weekend, too.

We're going to take votes every show to see which one I play with.

I've got this one.

It's fucking... It has 20 different settings

on it.

it's crazy it's and it like it goes it's got like a like a bunch of different

intensities it's really it's a lot of fun i used it the other day but i used

like for a little bit too long and i got numb but i got that and then i

got a real dildo finally it's cute isn't it so yeah i've got

this for shoving in me and in my throat i actually haven't put it into anything

yet it's brand new so you guys are going to see it for the first time it

is 30 tokens for me to spank myself i'll take myself five times for 30 tokens

am i thinking like this or this everybody vote

Are you guys trying to kill me? Why does everybody want the hairbrush?

Alright, hairbrush it is. You guys are evil.

Okay.

Do your feet look dirty?

Okay.

Okay.

One, two, three, four, five.

Thank you.

I'll take them off for maybe 100 more tokens.

I'll be waiting right here.

Aha! Thank you.

Okay,

we need 370 more tokens.

How are we going to do this, everybody?

I'll play a game.

We could play... I can make this stick to the palm of my hand, kind of.

Yo. Okay.

This thing is wild.

It fucking hurts.

It's heavy as hell.

I just want to try.

Excuse me, everybody.

Somebody has paid for a show. I'll be right back.

Hey!

Thank you for...

It feels really weird on my nose.

Okay.

Which setting should I have it on? Pick a number 1 through 20.

Sounds like a good one.

Oh, my God.

Okay, okay, okay, hang on.

This one.

Oh, no.

Oh, my

God.

Sorry, sorry.

I can't do this.

Okay.

Okay. Okay. I know.

Let me get closer.

It's salty.

Okay. Where is it good?

to both of them

Dripping. Oh my gosh.

Oh, you left.

I guess you ran out of money. Okay.

Oh, that's a mess.

Okay.

I have to go clean that.

I'm back.

Did you miss me?

It doesn't have to be 500, but yeah.

Thank you.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. Okay.

Oh my god, I'm still really wet from the private show.

Pretty good.

How many?

100 for one, 200 for two,

300 for three, and then 400 for four.

If you do 300, that's enough for the show.

Thank you.

Thank you.

i'm getting like a whole bunch of private messages hang on don't quit

though okay

i

told you guys i quit doing skype shows because a lot of you guys are just not

wearing some skype

Let's play with this one.

The highest one.

My accent's really red.

Wow.

Thank you.

Of course I had fun.

I hope you guys had fun.

How far do you guys think I can do? Maybe I can go.

Maybe I can get the balls all the way in. I don't know if I can do that one.

Should I do like profile?

Like sword following.

How far was it?

Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. What the hell? Thank you.

Oh my god.

That is the biggest tip I've gotten all day.

I have to go.

Okay. Well, thank you for hanging out.

I'll be online later on tonight, too.

And later on tonight, I'm going to play Pyro. And I'm going to die.

I'm going to thank myself 20 times, and that's going to be really, really fun. I

hope you have a good day at work. Thank you for bringing it up.

I'm probably going to go on a second to you guys, but don't forget, I've got

that video for sale for $100.

Pretty cool.

Anytime you're doing a lot, you can watch it.

It'll be like a mirror with you.

to take this inside of me.

What if it gets lost in there?

Send me a private message.

Maybe we can work this thing out and I'll do that one later.

Okay, so come back tonight for another show. It'll be fun.

Bye. Bye, everybody. Thank you. Bye.

Oh,

yeah. I need a teacher.

Hello. Hi.

Okay.

So?

How old are you?

I am 23 years old. Are you here of your own free will?

Yes. And have you been given a safe word?

Yes. What is your safe word?

Okay, so you know what that means. At any point in time during filming, if you

want to stop and take a break or are uncomfortable for any reason or have any

questions, you can always say... Okay, have the things that we may do or use

during tonight's film been explained to you prior to this legal addendum?

Yes. That means you understand what we're going to do. Yes. So you can

the types of scenes that we're going to do.

Yes. Okay, cool. During tonight's film, for example, there can also be elements

of BDSM. Do you know what BDSM is? Yes.

So general sorts of things such as hair pulling, face slapping, biting,

thanking, restraining you.

whipping or flogging you with a belt or other type of instrument. Is that okay

with you?

Yes. Will you agree to that?

Yes. Okay. So you shot last night, so how did the director treat you?

Wonderful. Did you have a good time?

I had a great time. Okay, cool. Well, good luck with everything tonight, and

we'll talk to you after the shoot. Thank you. Bye. Bye.

Gorgeous.

I understand that the last three days you participated in filming for

Valentine's Day. Was that correct?

Yes. And the filming took place over three days. And so after the three days

filming, how do you feel at the present time?

Fantastic. Do you need any medical attention?

No.

Were things explained to you prior to filming as to the things that we may do

use during filming? Mm -hmm. So you always had a clear understanding of what

were going to do before we did it?

Yes. Okay, cool.

And how did the director treat you?

Amazing. He was so nice.

Were you given a safe word that you could use at any time?

Yes. What was your safe word?

But did any instance or circumstance occur in which you needed to use your

word? No. So everything was basically fine?

Everything was fine, fun, and great.

Awesome. Would you like to come back and do more work for me in the future?

Yeah. You would?

Definitely. Okay, cool. I'd love to work with you again.

All right. Well, thanks a lot, and we'll see you next time.

Bye. Bye.

So we just shot this movie for three days, and look at the transformation

happened.

So some people might think you're kind of crazy to come do this movie with

someone that you've never met, although we chatted online a lot for several

months, right?

Yeah. But then the reality is that you came and met me all by yourself in a

hotel room to film with me.

Some people might say that's pretty crazy. What do you think about that?

It was pretty crazy.

It's not something I would have done, like, probably ever.

Like, ever.

But it was you, so I did it. And it worked out amazingly.

You did it because it was me.

So you just trusted me and knew that everything would be okay?

Yeah, totally.

That's good.

What made you want to work with me on a movie?

I'm a big stupid fan of yours.

You like my other stuff?

Mm -hmm.

Don't you think it's crazy, though, that you did a move with me and you shaved

your head and carved an X into your forehead?

Yeah, I did that.

Why did you do such a thing?

Because you wanted me to.

And?

I wanted you to, and you just do whatever I ask you to?

Yeah, of course.

I'll always do whatever you ask me to.

Was it fun?

I had a lot of fun.

Did it hurt carving that into your head?

No, not really.

Did you like kicking?

Mm -hmm.

You must have really trusted me to do the kind of move with me.

I trusted you completely.

And you said, like, when we were filming that you'd do anything I asked you to

do, right?

Mm -hmm.

That's a lot of commitment.

I'm very committed.

So you'll do some more movies with me?

Mm -hmm.

However many you want. I'll do 27 movies with you.

I especially liked the belt part.

That was a lot of fun, and I liked the bruises that left afterwards.

That was the first thing I did.

The belt was so fun.

Oh, you slapped me a few times, too. We did the 18 slaps.

And I thought that was a good way to break the ice when you first meet

Mm -hmm.

It seemed totally natural, though. I mean, how did you feel this perfect

stranger, like, personally meeting for the first time, slapping you in the face

18 times?

You don't really feel like a stranger to me.

Okay.

Okay, so how did we first come into contact?

I sent you a friend request on Facebook, and you sent me a message almost

immediately.

Just, hi.

And I was like, oh, my God.

Wow. Hi.

And how did it come about that you sent me a friend request? Like, how did that

happen?

Oh, gosh. I don't think I ever told you about that.

I had just watched... Which one did I just watch? I think I just watched VG4.

So you were, like, fresh in my mind, and I was like, I wonder if I could find

him on Facebook and get in touch with him, and maybe, like, we could do

something together.

So I was looking, but, like, you're a very hard person to find.

So I spoke to...

Another underground horror director.

And I was like, do you know where this guy is? And he was like, okay, well,

somebody told me that this is this guy's Facebook.

And he sent me the link. And it was you. And I was like, oh, my gosh. I found

him. Amazing.

And I sent you a friend request.

And you started talking.

Mm -hmm.

You told me that you really liked my look. And you called me baby cat because

had a picture of a baby cat on my chest.

And I love how that name stuck, and you've called me Baby Cat ever since.

Mm -hmm.

And I asked you to send me how many pictures?

Oh, at first, you just wanted me to send you, like, three pictures a day, I

think it was, but then you slowly started, like, taking it up and up and

you're like, 10 pictures a day, 20 pictures a day.

And, like, sometimes you would just say, stop what you're doing, go take

pictures right now, and send them to me, and I would do it.

I don't want to have a thousand pictures to use for this movie, right?

Mm -hmm. We ended up with more than a thousand.

Yeah, I think so.

Yeah.

And then somehow, I don't know, I think I actually filmed a home video, right?

Like, what was the first home video I actually sent? Oh, I don't remember.

Oh, no, the first one you asked me to send you, you had, um, it was the, uh,

was one of the Dear Big Brothers.

And I remember I recorded it out in my car.

Dear Big Brothers. Because I think I had company over at the time.

A lot of times when you would just say, like, send me a picture right now, I

would have company over, and I would have to, like, go scurry away into,

the bathroom and take pictures or make a video or whatever it was I was doing.

It was a lot of fun.

Sneaky.

And then you sent me a whole bunch of videos that I loved so much that were of

you just kind of sitting there, sometimes not saying very much, but just

like, I'm a fucking idiot, like, calling yourself a fucking idiot, and then I'm

a piece of shit, and then, like, just hitting yourself.

What was that for the other one?

I don't like you.

I don't like you. I don't like you.

Like, I didn't understand, like, a lot of anything.

And then, like, when I first started talking to you, like, in person, and,

you, one of the first things you asked me to do was to puke for you on camera,

and, like, I was like, uh, yeah.

And so I did it, and I was like, that's fun.

I just started doing it, like, a lot, and, like, I had, like, help me throw

and, like, what I really love, though, oh, my God, I love putting my fingers

down. And, like, helping him throw up. Yeah, he's, like, I put my fingers down

and throws up. He's so good. He's the only boy who's ever let me do that for

him. But, like, I guess because, like, he's the first, like, sincere, like,

romantic relationship I've had since, like, when I started, like, talking.

But, like, yeah, as soon as I realized that that was something that I was into

and that was something that would get me off and something that I wanted to do,

like, a lot, he let me do it, like, a lot. And I love...

Oh, my God. I loved, like, kissing him after he would throw up and just, like,

licking my fingers after he threw up.

Because I would, like, put my entire hand, like, into his mouth, like, down

throat, and he would just, like, throw up.

You looked really great in that shirt.

Thank you, my brother.

I decided I love that collar, so you should wear that collar for the birthday

cake.

And you're looking.

You're kind of, yeah, you're kind of getting yourself ready to deal with it.

You're going

to

see that guy for the first time.

I just want to hear you talk about something. Can you take your jacket off?

Yes, we can.

That's just because of everything.

I could put you on the street.

You could put me on the street.

That was fucking good. Love it. Love it.

You have no idea how far I'll go. Let's keep it in the family.

I don't think what we're doing is wrong.

Because if you love someone, it's the only truth that matters.

I look at myself in the mirror.

I see you, Master.

You're perfect baby

Is it possible for you to slowly go and grab the lipstick and go ahead?

So yeah, so just turned to the mirror, and then that was pretty incredible.

Are you feeling your heart?

It's okay.

You just did one of the craziest things I've ever tried.

Is that fun?

Cotton

candy.

Because I'm cotton candy colored.

You've got to be thorough.

They were meant for me. I lost my other ones before I came.

My life's been pretty tragic, but I had to get these.

That sounds like 212. No, no, no.

Your hooker is here.

I, like, painted my toenails today and then put socks on them, too, right

I'm not going to lie. I had gel tea.

I had gel tea for, like, eight months, and I painted my toenails to come here.

I'm like, what color? Black, bitch.

black.

I've got an unicorn and rainbow underwear.

That tattoo is fucking awesome.

It looks like you can't have a photo of this.

Yeah, it did. Who is it supposed to be?

That is my best friend, Kristen.

Wow. Like, alright.

He said he had acid on that in eight years.

We're like, we're gonna get a hotel.

Jacuzzi tub. I pull my onesie out.

This dude pulls a fucking onesie out, too.

And he's Santa Claus.

Oh, nice.

So we're about to trip and balls.

I hear my mother -in -law at the hotel.

Because her house flooded.

We got lost in the barricade.

In a perfect world, I have a jacuzzi tub.

Do you have one? No. I have like a garden tub, but it doesn't have jets. So

like, what the fuck? Oh my God, I need a jacuzzi tub in my life.

That means I'm luxurious.

And then bring my good bitches there. It's like, yo, you brought a bimmy over

the jacuzzi tub.

There's mirrors surrounding it. It's all good.

He'll know exactly what we're doing.

You're half naked. I want to get naked too. So she's going to get dressed into

the thing she was wearing in the scene right before this that we already shot.

And then you're like basically... Do you like girls or boys? I need to know.

Hell yeah.

And so the whole time you're just like teaching her stuff.

You're showing her how to do the line. You're telling her... Oh, okay. I'm

making her bad and good at it.

Number three.

Needles are bad.

Needles are very bad.

I got this little pocket full of needles in here.

I got my crack pocket like, you know, and that's extra baggage. You don't need

it.

If you're going to do drugs, do the kind of drugs that aren't pussy drugs,

right? What is a pussy drug?

Okay, heroin, for example. If you're going to do heroin, take a line and fuck

someone for like three days straight. Keep your trash can right next to the

Call it a day.

After two days of doing it, you need to stop or you're going to be dope sick.

Acid and mushrooms, that's the best drug you could ever do in life. I love a

mushroom, but I do not love acid.

I don't know why.

People are scared of it. It's not like when I did it, like the one time that I

did it. You control your trip.

I like did it in a really weird place with people I didn't know very well. And

had done ketamine also like a couple minutes before.

And like I felt like I was underwater.

And everything was black and white. What is happening?

It wasn't very fun. And I was really paranoid. Like, I held the whole time,

I was on AFTA one time, and I got so paranoid, right? I'm sitting in this

attic, like, putting cigarettes out on my convert.

Like, looking at this fucking neon light, like, I swear to God, electricity

controls the world.

That's why I love psychedelics.

People are like, I want to kill the pain. I want to be numb.

I could probably eat mushrooms forever.

Mushrooms are my wife.

They're so beautiful.

There used to be this dude that made them.

And he'd, like, play the guitar to them and play music for them and shit. Like,

he cared that much.

He tried to teach me how to do it, but he got on dope.

Everyone gets on dope.

And then his house was ran over by cat smell. Man, okay, so I was going to

my favorite purse here.

And it got sprayed by a blind cat. Like that piss spray?

Yeah. My grandma's dog pissed on my jacket one time. I don't understand

Are you going to, like, transform into a hot -ass dick just for, like, what do

you have? Do you have a dress?

I don't have a dress. Oh.

I have a dress, but it's not, like...

Anything fancy. He faked his death, and I got a tattoo for him, and then he came

back, and I was like, what? My friend thought someone died, put a fucking

gravestone, but won't put my name in a gravestone. I'm like, bro, I want to be

dead on your arm.

That bitch ain't dead.

I fucked you.

This is the same dude that got a sleeve and got dicks all in it. Like, bro,

someone in prison hated you.

This sleeve is beautiful.

It's full of dicks. All right.

I'm going to give it a little bit.

If it's someone that's OG, put two comms on them. Like, you're a dirty bitch.

I'm like, fuck.

Shit out of you. You know what I'm saying? I can't even use one car.

Nasty slut.

You feel me?

Like, be smart with what you're doing.

I would advise to try and not do the dancing or the hoeing because that

price is low.

And the same, like $1 .50 for a fuck all day.

Fuck you hoes. That's what I'm saying. It's easy to do that shit. There's so

many freaks in the world. There is.

Do you know how many old white dudes want... I just want to see a girl suck a

black guy's cock.

I want to suck a black guy's cock.

I'm like, why?

You've been thinking your whole life about that shit? It's bigger than you?

Like, really? Okay.

But you can't act like that. I'd do fetishes all day, for real. Like, you

know shit on you? Okay.

I'm cool with it.

I'll beat you up. I'll just show up. There's people out there that don't know

what it's about.

Truly, it's not about completely wrecking somebody.

It's about...

Knowing what to do and how to introduce people to it, and we're not murdering

them. And the spiders make their webs on the porch. Well, they catch all the

fucking little gnats.

In Africa, they have these giant rats.

They're rats, but they're like this big. And they teach them to sniff landmines.

They're light enough that when they walk across... They don't set them off, but

they smell them, and then they go in and they dig them up. They know where they

are. Those rats have saved so many lives. In Africa, little kids get blown

like, every day, and it's horrible.

And I want a giant rat.

I want a giant African rat. When I was in prison, one chick was with another

chick and then there was this other chick that one of those chicks was

around with. Well, everything's been building up for like a week. It's really

uncomfortable in the whole wing because of the situation.

It's like two weeks before Christmas.

We had a little Christmas tree, and our wing was about this big.

There's tables, and there's a bunch of empty space. These girls were standing

that empty space for whatever reason, started talking shit to each other. This

chick hit this other chick so hard, she landed on her ass.

And as soon as she hit the ground, that bitch was on top of her, and she was

beating her ass across the floor, and she was up.

The girl's up underneath the Christmas tree, and she starts kicking her in the

face, and she's getting her ass beat under the fucking Christmas tree.

It was, I mean, it doesn't get more fucking prison than that. That was some

the funniest shit that I ever fucking saw. They went downstairs and decided to

sword fight.

He got stabbed in the face with a fucking sword. Like, he ended up with,

20 staples in his ass. Of course, there was the accident. Now his face is

titanium. I see out my peripherals. He got stabbed in the face.

Beautiful, beautiful creatures.

They had a hatchet. Mama spider that's got all her little eggs. He smacked the

dude in the fucking head with it. You know how some of them carry their eggs

when they have their little babies? Crapped his head open.

Big garden spiders that are black and yellow.

I was on house arrest with Zahn. And she has a huge web.

Okay, we're good.

Good job. Good job.

Good job.

Way to go, you guys. How was that?

I had an organ.

I had to test it.

Good job, Ruthie.

I have to go to bed.

One more shot.

One more shot, baby. Okay.

Do you want to puke in your face?

I have to.

Relax me.

Hello?

I'm about to be on my way home.

Okay.

All right, let me know when you're ready.

Okay.

I am ready and I'm rolling.

One more, one more. Fucking gorgeous.

Beautiful guys, guys.