All language subtitles for The Trip (2010) (1080p BluRay x265 10bit Tigole).en

Hello.

Hey, Rob.
Steve.

Oh, hiya.
How are you?

Good.
Good.

Uh... listen,
are you free next week

to go away?

Where?

It's kind of a tour,
tour of the North,

restaurant tour,
really good restaurants.

Right.
Why me?

Well, Mischa is unavailable.

You've met Mischa, haven't you?

Uh, is she your assistant?

No, that's Emma.

No.
No, Mischa's my girlfriend.

Oh, yeah, yeah,
the Australian girl.

No. God, no.
That was ages ago. No.

Anyway, it doesn't matter.

Mischa can't come,
and I don't want to go alone.

I've asked other people,
but they're all too busy,

so, you know,
do you want to come?

Uh... well, don't know, really.

I'd have to ask Sally.

It's a job.

I'm not asking you
to go on holiday with me

or anything weird.

It's for The Observer Magazine.

Right.

They're gonna pay
for everything,

and there's a small fee,
which I'll split with you 60-40.

When is it?

Next Monday.

Oh.

[horn honks]

[horn honks]

Rob, Steve's here.

- All right?
- Hey, yeah.

- Hi, Steve.
- We're off.

Hello. Hi.

Ah, you know Sally and Chloe.

- Yeah, yes. Hi. Hello. Hi.
- Nice to see you.

How are you?

Very good.

- Nice to see you.
- Hello.

What is that?

This, just pickax handles.

[growling]

- Seriously?
- Climbing gear.

- Yeah, just in case we...
- We're climbing?

Got you a set of crampons too.

I'll ring you, okay?

Oh, yes, please do.
I love you.

Look after mummy.
Give me a kiss.

Have fun.

[whispering] Give him a kiss.

If you haven't heard
anything from me in five days,

alert the authorities.

I'll send out a search party.
Drive safely.

- Okeydoke.
- Bye-bye.

- Have a good time.
- Give a little wave to you.

I give a little wave to you.

No?

I'm gonna give
another little wave to you.

- Oh, I'm going. Bye-bye.
- Bye. Bye.

Bye-bye.

Can you say good-bye to Dad?

Say good-bye.
Are you gonna wave?

I thought we'd go M1, M6,
come off at junction 31,

and there's a short drive
on the A59 to Clitheroe.

From there, it's a very short
hop to Whitewell.

And how long will that take?

- About four hours.
- Four hours?

That's not very much.

Why aren't we using sat nav?

I've always liked maps.

When we would go
on holiday as kids,

my dad would plan the route,
you know,

and show us on the map
what the route was,

and we'd all follow it,
you know?

It was great.

The good news is,
I've found the M1.

Ah.

I wouldn't have had you down
as having a four-wheel drive.

It's not mine.

Mischa thought it would be good.

She thought it would be useful
in the Lake District,

the Yorkshire Dales.

You know, it's not
like down south, Rob.

There's a lot
of bumpy roads up there.

Where... why isn't she here?

'Cause she's...
she had to go back to America.

Oh, dear.

Have you... you haven't separated?

It's in limbo, you know?
It's in limbo.

So is it all over?

No. I don't know.
I don't know.

It's just... it's all...

Well, let's go here.
Let's get some breakfast here.

Ah, oh,
no, let's not.

I've been up since
half past 5:00 with Chloe,

and I've not eaten
a single thing.

Really?

You could write about it.

Why don't you
review the food and say,

"I'm staring off by talking
about what real people eat"?

No, that's been done.

That's been done before.

It's 2010.
Everything's been done before.

All you can do is do something
someone's done before

but do it better or differently.

To some extent,
that's correct.

[Joy Division's
Atmosphere playing]

[moody post-punk music]

Why are we listening to this?

That's what I've chosen

for the soundtrack
for this landscape.

It's not expected.

You think of that as industrial,
of sort of...

associate that kind
of music normally

with an urban landscape.

# Walk in silence #

# Don't walk away #

# In silence #

# See the danger #

# Always danger #

# Endless talking #

# Life rebuilding #

# Don't walk away #

[humming]

[clears throat]

This looks lovely.

Beautiful, isn't it, eh?

It's the sort of place
you'd shoot a Miss Marple.

Hello.

Hi. Hi.

Should be a reservation
under the name "Coogan."

- Hi, Mr. Coogan.
- Two rooms under "Coogan."

Sorry, we only have
one double room for you.

Uh, it may be under his name,
Brydon.

Is another room
under the name "Brydon"?

No. No Brydons.
Sorry.

I thought there should
have been two rooms booked.

- Hello. Hi.
- Hi.

This is Mr. Brydon.

Can we book another room?

I'm sorry, but we're
fully booked tonight, sir.

Can share.
That's all right.

- No, we can't.
- It's a big room.

Right, I'm gonna call Emma
and get to the bottom of this.

I just said, seriously,
I don't mind sharing a bit.

There's no signal here.
What do I do?

Sometimes
you can get it outside.

- Okay.
- At the back.

Okay. All right.
I'll try and sort this out.

Oh, dear me.

[phone ringing]

Hello.

- Hi.
- Hiya.

Emma, listen,
I'm at the inn at Whitewell.

Yeah.

There's only one room.

Well, you can stay
with Mischa, can't you?

I'm not with Mischa.
I'm with Rob Brydon.

Well, this is lovely.

I mean, I'd be happy
to sleep here.

[phone ringing]

Put a little bed down there,

and I'd sleep there
very happily.

So are you friends or...

- No, we work together.
- Okay.

So I'm just, you know...
I'm just with him.

Are you his assistant or...

[phone ringing]

[chuckles]

In a way, yes.

I thought you said
you were going with Mischa.

No, I said I was thinking
of going with Rob.

I told you.

Okay, look, I'm sorry.

Now I'm left having to share
a room with Rob for the night.

I'm sorry. I messed up.

Make sure all the other hotels
have got separate rooms, right?

Okay.

All right. Thank you.
All right, love. Bye.

Yeah, bye.

I'm sorry.

It's a bit of a warren here.

No, it's part of its charm.

[laughs]
Thank you.

So what's your name?

- Magda.
- Magda.

- And yours?
- Steve.

Yes, none of this
"Mr. Coogan" nonsense.

- So here it is.
- Oh, very nice.

Beautiful, yeah.

Very nice indeed.

It's a very nice view.

Look at that.
Very big.

So...

There we go.
Come on. Up you jump.

Okay, I'll leave you to it.

- Thank you.
- And here is the key.

- Thanks, Magda.
- Bye.

This is a huge bed.
We could easily share this bed.

It might be huge to you.

It's average size to me.

Oh, that's right. I forgot.
You're considerably taller.

What's the problem, anyway?

What do you think
is gonna happen?

Eh?

You might touch my bottom.

- All right.
- Even an accident.

Were you an altar boy?

Yes, I was.

- Seriously?
- Yes.

Oh, all right.

Well, I'll go on the sofa
if you want, if it's...

Sorry, I didn't realize we were
into Oprah Winfrey territory.

Are you seriously saying
you were abused as a child

when you were an altar boy?

Only verbally.

And physically.

But not sexually.

You know, just punched...

by a priest.

There's no signal here.
You won't get a signal.

I'm on wireless.

Ah.

Yes, who's having scallops?

I am the scallops.

Thank you very much.

And the soup.

Thank you. Lovely.

- Okay.
- Yes.

Enjoy your starters.

Thank you.

Soup of the day.
Can't go wrong.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yours looks more interesting,
but...

[smacking lips]

Mmm.
What's yours like?

Well, it tastes of tomatoes.

Not a connoisseur,
are you, with food?

Look, the reason
I was doing this trip

was to bring Mischa along.

She's passionate about food.
She loves food.

She's the food buff.

She's the food...
she's a very confident foodie,

and I thought she could help me,

and I wanted
to show Mischa the...

you know, the North,

show her a piece of me.

You're from Manchester.

You could take her round and
show her the gun crime sites.

I'm from the North.

The North has an identity
of itself.

Yeah, not the same way
that Wales does.

I think it does.

I think the North had...

The North could be
a different country.

It has as much of an identity
as Wales.

Are you seriously saying that
you think the North of England...

hang on... a stronger identity
than Wales?

Yeah... yes.

Industrial Revolution,

the very first railway
in the world in Manchester,

which revolutionized the world

probably more than anything else
in the last 200 years.

Richard Burton.

[stammering as Burton]

Man from being
ex-prison admiral...

napkins like God.

Anthony Hopkins.

[as Hopkins]
I want a room with a view.

I want to see a tree.

[slurping]

I think anyone over 40
who amuses themself

by doing impressions

needs to take a long, hard look
in the mirror.

Well, broadsheet journalists
have described my impressions

as stunningly accurate.

Well, they're wrong.

I've not heard
your Michael Caine,

but I assume it would be
something along the lines of:

[as exaggerated Caine]
My name's Michael Caine.

That is where you
are so wrong,

and you can look
at my live video to prove...

because that's the very thing
I don't do.

I say that he used
to talk like that.

- Do your Michael Caine.
- Okay.

[as Caine] I say Michael Caine
used to talk like this

in the 1960s, right?

But that has changed,
and I say that over the years...

[lowering pitch]
Michael's voice...

has come down...
several octaves.

Let me finish.

[gravelly voice]
And all of the cigars

and the brandy don't...
let me finish...

...can now be heard...
- Okay.

I've not fucking finished.

In the back of the voice,

...and the voice now...
- Okay.

Will... I've still not finished.

'Cause you're panicking.
You know I'm about to...

[as '60s Caine]
Because you look like

you're about to bloody talk!

Let me finish.

[as gravelly Caine] Right,
so Michael Caine's voice now,

in the Batman movies
and in Harry Brown...

I can't go fast,
because Michael Caine...

talks... very... very... slowly.

Right, this is how
Michael Caine speaks.

[as nasally Caine] Michael Caine
speaks to his nose like that.

He gets very, very specific.
It's very like that.

When it gets loudly,
it gets very loud indeed!

It gets very specific.

It's not quite nasal enough

the way you're doing it,
all right?

You're not doing it
the way he speaks!

You're not doing it
with the kind of...

[voice cracking] And you
don't do the broken voice

when he gets very emotional,

when he gets
very emotional indeed.

She was only 16 years old.
She was only 16...

You're only supposed to blow
the bloody doors off!

[normal voice]
That's Michael Caine.

[sighs]

Excuse me. Sorry.

- Thank you very much.
- Was everything okay?

Oh, it was very nice indeed,
yeah.

Quite tomato-y.

- And soupy.
- Thank you.

Hotter than I was expecting.

More heat in the chili sauce.

There was a lot of heat
in my scallops.

- My scallops were hot.
- There's a joke there.

[as Al Pacino] Plenty of heat

in my scallops.

Heat.

Pacino. De Niro.
Michael Mann.

What do you got?

Four bodies in a morgue.
I'm out there every fucking day.

Ugh.

- Yeah? Heat.
- Yeah?

A movie where De Niro
and Pacino

are running
a celebrity magazine.

[as Pacino] What do you got?

I need a photo exclusive
of Katie Price having a botox.

[as De Niro] Ain't got it, Al.
We can't do it. We can't do it.

It's not looking...

[as Pacino] What do you mean
it's not looking good?

I got to have her
on the front page right now!

Every day I'm there!

Hey, calm it down.
All right. Sorry.

It's all right.
They don't mind. They love it.

Yeah, well, not sure
about that, but anyway...

Ever worked with Michael Mann?

I don't work with
mainstream Hollywood directors.

I work with auteurs.

Like in Rain Man?

[as Raymond Babbitt]
Oh, I'm an excellent director.

I'm an excellent director.

I directed the whole movie
in one go.

No, that's autistic.

I know that.

I wonder...
that's autistic savant.

Is there such a thing as
an autistic impressionist?

'Cause if there is,

I think that might be the key
to your condition.

[as Pacino]
Maybe you're right.

I don't know, but I see a guy
with something stuck up his ass

who's too uptight to let go.

No, I like humor.
I like levity. I like brevity.

I just like to...

Gravity?
Where do you stand on that?

Um, firmly.
On terra firma.

[as Groucho Marx] You like
levity, brevity, and gravity.

[as Dustin Hoffman]
It's great to meet you.

It's terrific to meet you.

I got to tell you,
you're a terrific actor.

I like your work.

I caught your work
the other day.

I was watching the television
in my room, and I said,

"Who is this guy?

"He's not as tall as Coogan,
but he's better.

I like him a lot."

Do you find
as you get older...

food gets stuck
in your teeth more?

Oh, yes.
Yes. Yes. Yes. Yeah.

- More readily?
- You know why that is?

- Why?
- Receding gums.

[mumbling]

Revealing the crack, the gap,
between the tooth and the gum.

As you... look, look.
Look how much... look.

What are you showing me?

My gums.

Those look all right,
you know.

[mumbled]
Can you see them receding?

- Mm, yes. Yeah.
- Yeah?

Well, that is a honey trap
for morsels of food.

That is an open invitation.

A bit of food sees that,
he goes running towards it.

It's not good
if you're on a date.

You still go on dates, do you?

Yeah, if I want to pick my...
what I do is,

I normally go to the toilet.

I take a toothpick,
go to the toilet,

and just get every little bit
out of my teeth,

or I try to avoid foods that get
lodged in your teeth, 'cause...

Really?

You don't want to try
and go and kiss a girl

with a big lump of chicken stuck
inside of one of your molars.

See that strikes me as odd,
that a man at our age

would be thinking
about trying to kiss girls.

- Hi, sorry.
- Hello.

It's your lucky day.

- Why?
- We've had a cancellation.

You don't have
to share a bed tonight.

I'll drink to that.

Shall I leave you in room 15
and move Mr. Brydon into 7, or...

Which is the better room?

7 is a bit bigger,
but I prefer 15.

Maybe you want to see it?

Um... yes, I think I would.

Do you mind excusing me?

I could come as well
if you want.

Nah.

Yeah, it's open.

- Sorry.
- Okay.

Okay, so this is
room number 7.

That's nice, yeah.

Beautiful room.

- Nice view.
- Yeah?

I find the view
is very important.

You can't go wrong
around this area.

Everything's beautiful.

It is. I know.
It's true.

It's pretty high, isn't it?

It reminds me
of The Princess and the Pea.

- [laughs]
- Do you know that?

- Yes, I do.
- Hans Christian Andersen.

Do you have...
Do you know him in Poland?

Of course.
Of course we read.

Yeah, no, we do read.

Right. Okay.
Where is he from?

- Um... Denmark.
- Denmark. That's right. Yes.

Denmark. Yeah.
I don't like the Danish.

[as nasally Caine]
No, it's like that, isn't it?

No, it's like that.

Through the nose.
Through the nose.

[mumbling] Michael Caine's voice
is through the nose.

So how long
have you worked here?

- Long?
- Almost a year.

Right. Okay.

So you and Rob,
do you work a lot together or...

- Very rarely.
- [laughs]

If I can avoid it.

I mean, you seem
to know each other quite well.

It's all right, but the
relationship's purely platonic.

So what should we do?

Well, which is the one
you liked?

15.
Yeah, I prefer 15.

I think we should
go with that.

Do they accommodate you here,
or do you have, like...

There are cottages for
the staff at the main house,

so yes, I live nearby.

Well, that's handy.

I'm very nearby, yeah.

Hi, is that Greg?

It is, yes.

- Hey.
- Hey, how are you?

Very good.

You emailed me,
asked me to call.

Can you hear me, Greg?

No, I can't...

Can you hear me now?
Can you hear me now?

Yes, yes.
I can hear you.

Okay, I'll stay here.

Right, Doctor Who
are very keen again.

Doctor Who?
What, is it the baddie?

Yep.

I don't want to do British TV.

Well, I mean,
all you need is...

you just need one film, Steve,

and that will propel you.

I've done ten.

You need the right film.

You see, you've got
a huge amount of momentum

behind you.

Yeah, you get momentum
when you're going downhill.

Well, yes, but...

I want to be in films,

good films.

Where exactly are you
at the moment?

I'm in the Trough of Bowland.

Rather appropriately, Greg,
I'm in a trough,

literally and metaphorically.

Yeah, is Mischa with you?
Is she enjoying it?

Yes, she's...
yes, she's... yes, she is, yeah.

[sheep bleating]

[engines revving]

[panting]

[line trilling]

Hello?

Hello?

Hey, it's me!

What time is it?

It's, uh,
it's 12:00, your time.

Oh, shit.
I'm late.

Oh, you just got up?

Yeah, I had
a really late night.

I guess I got in at, like,
3:00 or 4:00 maybe.

Where'd you go?

I told you, I went to this,
uh, magazine party,

this magazine launch.

I thought it'd

be a good place to go
and meet some people

and pitch some of my ideas,
and it was really good.

I met some amazing people,
and there's lots of interest.

Yeah? Who'd you meet?
Who was interesting?

I met the, um,
the editor of Esquire,

and he, uh,

he's interested in the story
I did about the bikers

when I went back home.

Does he fancy you?

God, you know what?

That really pisses me off
when you do that

like I've got nothing else
to offer.

- I'm not saying...
- Whatever.

Listen, listen, I've got to go.

- Hey, listen...
- I'm gonna be late, okay?

Okay.
Hey, uh, uh, well, I miss you.

Yeah, I miss you too.

Good.

I got to go.

Listen, well, let's just
speak later, okay?

- Okay.
- Okay, bye.

- Bye. Bye, baby.
- Bye.

[wind howling]

[sighs]

[bell ringing]

Bye.

Bye.

[door clicks]

[sighs]

[sighs]

I thought we'd go up
to Dunsop Bridge,

up through
the Trough of Bowland,

through Abbeystead,
get on the M6 at junction 33,

then off at junction 36
a bit further up,

and that'll take us
almost all the way to Cartmel.

[cattle lowing]

Did you cement
Anglo-Polish relations?

There was a summit
in my bedroom.

I won't go into detail,

but there were more than talks
about talks.

In fact, I'd go as far as to say
there was an historic accord.

"What joy it was to be alive,

but to be young
was very heaven."

That's Wordsworth, I think,

going on about
the French Revolution.

That was when he was younger,

before he started going on
about daffodils.

[sheep bleating]

This is a wild and windy moor.

It is.

Misty moor, really,
but, you know...

- Christy Moore.
- Christy Moore.

Bobby Moore. Dudley Moore.

Roger Moore.
Kenneth Moore.

Dudley and Peter.
Peter and Dudley.

Oh, God.

both: # Out on the wild
and windy moor #

# We'd roll and fall in green #

# You had a temper
like my jealousy #

# Too hard, too greedy #

[phone ringing]

Hello.

- Hi, it's me.
- Hi, how are you?

Where are you?

I'm... we're just
in the Trough of Bowland

heading towards...

- Cartmel.
- Cartmel.

Can you...
can you talk to Joe?

What?

He's getting
a bit out of hand.

He was drinking last night.

Oh, Christ's sakes.

I've had one
of his friend's parents call me

concerned about his behavior
at their house,

and he's been really ill
this morning,

and he won't go to school.

Oh, Christ's sakes.

So I need you to talk to him,

because he just doesn't listen
to me at the moment.

Okay, I will do that today.

Can you do that today?

Yeah. Yes.
I will do that today.

- How's Mimi?
- Well, I've got to go.

Oh, okay. All right.
Bye.

Bye. Thanks.

- Bye.
- Bye.

[sighs]

Well,
it's none of my business,

but I thought
she was very unreasonable.

Catherine manages to put me
on the back foot from "hello."

It's extraordinary skill.

Do you like taster menus?

- I'm not sure.
- I do.

I think when they're good,
they're really good.

And when it's not done well,
it's very frustrating.

There we have some
little canapes to begin with

with a duet of tapioca-based
crackers, spiced popcorn,

and the lollipops are made
out of duck fat with peanuts.

Thank you very much.

Check on two covers,
lunch menu, please.

That's a big piece of popcorn,
isn't it?

It's very nice.

I like that as well.

Enormous green quaver.

Duck fat lolly.
Well, why not?

It's just like my comedy.

It's, like... it's familiar...

like, we all know
what a lolly is...

but there's something
very different about it.

And like lollipops,

it's something that we enjoyed
a long time ago.

[crunching]

Mm.

To begin with, we have
a nice little appetizer.

We've got the liqueur
made out of the mallow leaves

topped with a fizz
which is made out of ginger beer

with whiskey as well as chili.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

That's nice.
It's like...

Tastes
of a childhood garden.

Well, it's got a bit of
alcohol in it, so it tastes...

Was there a lot of alcohol
in your garden as a child?

I'm sorry, Rob.

[indistinct chatter]

Everything's all right?

It's lovely.
Delicious.

Very different.
Very interesting.

Yeah. Cheers.

Mmm.

It's got... it is a bit...

I mean... I have to...

the consistency is a bit like...

is a bit like snot,
but it tastes great.

They said it was delicious.

What can I say?

I can't get the image of snot
out of my head now.

[clears throat]

Every time I look at that,
I want to...

That was lovely.
Really nice.

Very nice indeed, yeah.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

I use my tweezers for this.

There we are, gentlemen.

At the bottom
of those little sacks,

you've got
some diced smoked hare

as well as shredded radishes

covered with a very smooth
duck foie gras mousse.

- Thank you.
- Enjoy.

Thank you very much.

Mmm.
That's fantastic.

So your next course is what
we call the Humphrey's pool.

It's a shellfish broth made
out of mussel, clams, cockles,

which are cooked
in their own juices

before to be garnished
with a shredded local seaweed.

- Thank you very much.
- Thank you.

I've never eaten
a shellfish broth before.

He mentioned cooking
in their own juices.

Imagine that, eh?
It's a lovely thought, isn't it?

Being cooked in your own juice.

I'll be honest,

I don't think I could muster
more than a thimbleful.

Then, of course,
with this one,

you've got some
little Manx Queenies,

which are
baby queen scallops.

They are resting
on grilled baby gem

and parsnip coulis

as well as a light,
creamy horseradish sauce.

- Thank you.
- Lovely.

Rather optimistic
to say they're resting.

Their days of resting
have been and gone.

They are dead.

So what we'll have
at the base of the dish,

we've got a goat cheese mousse
and a globe artichoke puree,

and that is garnished

with deep-fried
globe artichoke leaves

as well as baby
Jerusalem artichoke.

- Thank you very much.
- Thank you.

Um... I don't like artichoke.
I should just say that.

Drinking the wine makes me feel
quite sophisticated.

A bit like, you know,
James Bond ordering a martini.

[as Sean Connery]
I'd like a...

[sighs]

Like a martini, shaken...
not stirred.

I want it now.

Don't make me wait.

[as Connery]
I'll have a vodka martini,

shaken, but not stirred.

[as Connery]
I'll have a vodka martini,

shaken, not stirred.

- I'll have a vodka...
- I'll have a vodka...

[normal voice]
You look very worried.

- [as Connery] So do you.
- No.

You should
take a look at your face.

[as Connery] I'll have a vodka
martini, shaken, not stirred.

You look like
you're recovering from a stroke

and learning how
to get mobility again.

I'd like a vodka martini,
shaken, but not stirred.

I can feel my legs.
It's a miracle.

[as Roger Moore]
I'd like a vodka martini,

shaken, but not stirred.

[as Moore]
I'd like a vodka martini,

shaken, not stirred.

[as Francisco Scaramanga]
Come, come, Mr. Bond,

You derive just as much pleasure
from killing as I do.

[as Scaramanga]
Come, come, Mr. Bond,

you get just as much pleasure
from killing as I do.

- I'm saying that bit.
- I know.

When you say it,
just don't caricature it.

Try and do it real.

[as Scaramanga]
Come, come, Mr. Bond.

Shut up.
Don't tell me how to act.

- Well, I bloody should do.
- Why?

Because sometimes
you tend to sort of,

you know, crank it up a bit.

Yeah, whereas you
are widely regarded

as the king of understatement.

All right,
I would do it like this.

[as Scaramanga]
Come, come, Mr. Bond,

you get just as much of...

- Try and get the lines right.
- All right. I know.

As a rule, it's more effective
if you don't fluff the line.

I'll deliver it with
a nice bit of understatement.

[as Scaramanga]
Come, come, Mr. Bond,

you get just as much pleasure
from killing as I do.

- That was the worst...
- Okay. All right.

This is it.
This is it.

[as Scaramanga]
Come, come, Mr. Bond,

you get just as much pleasure
from killing as I do.

[as Scaramanga]
Come, come, Mr. Bond,

you get just as much pleasure
from killing as I do.

[normal voice]
Fucking yeah.

No, you went up at the end
like you watch Australian soaps.

Yes, did you see I did
on my face?

[as Scaramanga]
Come, come, Mr. Bond,

[stammering] you get
just as much pleasure

from killing as I do?

[as Scaramanga]
Come, come, Mr. Bond,

you derive just as much pleasure
from killing

[muffled] as I do.

[as Connery] When I kill,
I kill for queen and country,

though I admit, killing you...

[mumbling]

Come, come, Mr. Bond,
you derive just as much...

[mumbling]

Sorry, you derive just as much

[belching] pleasure
from killing as I do.

Hello?

Hi.

- Hey.
- Hey.

It's me.

Hey, how's it going?

It's great. It's great.
I mean, yeah... yeah.

Where are you now?

I'm in L'enclume.

No way.

Yeah, I'm at
the fancy-schmancy restaurant.

Oh, I really wanted
to go there.

What's happening
with that editing thing,

the job with the guy,
you know, and the...

It's going really well,
I think.

They gave me an assignment
in Las Vegas.

Las Vegas?
What are you going there for?

For work.
I just told you.

To do... what are you
gonna write about?

I'm gonna go do
this really interesting piece

on prostitutes in Vegas,

that kind of, like, good girls
gone bad Vegas style story.

Well, what if you become
a good girl gone bad?

Oh, Jesus, Steve.

What, do you think
I'm gonna go to Las Vegas

and become a prostitute?

[cattle lowing]

beep!

Hey, Joe, it's dad.

Just wanted to have a chat,
you know, see what's happening.

So give me a call when you can,
right?

Love you. Bye.

- Are you all right?
- Yeah, fine.

Yeah? All good?
Chloe okay?

[phone ringing]

Hello?

It's Steve Coogan. Hey.
[laughs]

Ha-ha. Hey, Matt.
How you doing?

I'm doing good, man.
How are you?

Good. Good.
Yeah, great.

Would you be up
for a bit of...

a bit of phone sex?

Ah, I might be.
Hmm. Yeah.

[as Hugh Grant]
Could I... could I... could I...

could I interest you in some
rather salacious sort of...

If I sort of do this Hugh Grant,
might that sort of...

[stammering] get you,
as it were, going, if I...

He doesn't do it for me.

You know, it's like
I keep telling you,

it's like the tortoise
and the hare, all right?

What, so I'm a tortoise?

Great.

Speaking of boiled eggs,

I'm not wearing
any pajama bottoms.

Ah, you saucy boy.

Don't say "ah."

You should say "ooh."

Fwah.

Yeah, "fwah."
Thank you.

Someone overheard
Nick Stevens

at an Endeavor meeting,
and someone brought my name up,

and he said, " I wish
I'd gotten hold of Steve Coogan

when he was 35."

I mean, I was...
[stammering]

I thought, " Crikey, is that it?
Is it game over?"

I mean, I'm 41.

You're not 41.

I'm not. No.
I'm 44.

I've been 41 for three years.

I've been telling people
I'm 41 for three years.

You get yourself off
to Noddington,

and I shall bed down here
with a rock as my pillow,

the stars as my canopy,

and this local barmaid
as my duvet.

[laughs]

I like the way
you laugh at that

like it's not a possibility.

I know it's not gonna happen.

What do you mean
it's not gonna happen?

Well, I mean, it could.

I pulled you.

It's a good time for you,
you know?

It's a good time
to be Steve Coogan.

Okay, good.
That all sounds great.

- This is your year.
- I hope so.

I can't do anything
when you're stuck over there,

all right?

So get your ass back here.

Okay, we'll do that.
Thanks for the call then.

- Ciao.
- Okay, bye.

[sighs]

It's incredible.

Everybody wants
to work with you.

I get a call from P.T. Anderson.
I get a call from Wes Anderson.

Noah Baumbach, Todd Haynes,
Alexander Payne, all of them.

They're all auteurs.

Yeah,
and they're all geniuses,

and they want to work
with the genius.

I want to do
mainstream movies.

Well, the Farrelly brothers
want to work with you, okay?

The Scotts, Tony and Ridley,

they want to do
a movie together.

Never done that before.

They want to do a thing with you
where it's, like, the future,

but it's 500 years in the past,

and you're, like,
some guy who's, like,

a warrior that came...

I don't even know what it is,

but they want
to do it with you, okay?

It's incredible.

Coens, calling up.

Wachowskis, both of them
want to work with you.

All the brothers, my man.

All the brothers
want a piece of Coogs.

It's like...
I can't believe it's happening.

Well, Steve, guess what.

Wake up.
Smell the coffee, all right?

The dream is happening
right now.

You're living the dream, Steve.

[moaning]

It's all a dream.

Come back.
Wait, come back.

Can't. I got a thing.
But...

I don't think I'll talk to you
later, but at some point, okay?

[moans]

So I thought we'd take the B5278

along the west bank
of Windermere.

Then when we get to Rydal,

we're gonna take the A591
up to Keswick.

I've printed out
some reviews...

Oh, great.
Oh, that's good.

For L'enclume, and basically,
with L'enclume,

you can say whatever you want,

because it goes from
the terrible to the wonderful.

Victor Lewis-Smith.

"Never mind all the talk
of inventiveness and variety,

"the result was as formulaic
as McDonald's

"with the same splatter
of Technicolor bird shit

on every plate."

- Then...
- That's a bit unkind.

Giles Coren in The Times.

"Love is not strong enough
to describe what I felt

"about L'enclume in Cartmel.

"I am breathless
with admiration, respect,

"and awe for the skill,
imagination, and restraint

"of the 20-odd plates
of Simon Rogan's food

that I ate in my two visits."

2/3 of the way through that,

you were thinking of doing
Anthony Hopkins, weren't you?

- Yes.
- Yeah, I heard it.

- I heard it in your voice.
- Are you glad I didn't?

I am glad you didn't.
I admire your restraint.

[as Hopkins] " I was dazzled,

"blown away by the originality,
integrity, and extravagance.

"I found it the best restaurant
experience over the years.

Love is not strong enough to
describe what I felt about it!"

Please, Christ.

Restaurant I would easily
promise to honor and obey!

I will honor you, sir!

I will honor you
and the restaurant, sir!

No, sir! No, sir!
I shall not, ah!

I'm breathless
with admiration and respect...

All right. All right.
Jesus Christ.

It's so early,
shouting like that.

It's really horrible.
It's really unpleasant.

Well, he is when he does that,
isn't he?

I know. I know.
He is, and by default, you are.

Well, yeah,
because I inhabit the role, sir.

I'm not a turn, am I?
I inhabit the role.

Yeah, no,
you're a real method actor.

Yeah.

You're right up there
with Pacino and...

Oh, Christ,
I better be careful what I say.

[as Pacino] What do you got?

Hello, hello,
there's method in my madness.

Why are we self-catering?

We thought we would go
and stay the night at Greta Hall

when Mischa was gonna come
with me originally,

because we thought
we could make love in the bed

that Coleridge slept in
and made love in

and that it would lend
a poetic, romantic frisson

to our congress.

Still be romantic,
just the two of us.

- We can be chummy.
- Yeah, yeah, chummy.

- Yeah.
- Chummy.

Without the bum.

- Bumless chums.
- Bumless chums.

Coleridge left quite quickly
after he moved here,

so Robert Southey had his wife
and Coleridge's wife

and another Fricker sister
living here, plus the children,

so he was the only man
looking after all these children

and the wives as well.

So he, you know, he had to...

'Cause Coleridge was off
on his travels.

Couldn't cope with
the domesticity of life.

He found it very difficult.

He found it very hard
to be creative.

Yes, yes,

there's bells ringing
all over the place here.

He came back, though,
didn't he?

Periodically, he would
come back and visit, uh-huh.

Hmm.

We don't think... well,
there isn't very much evidence

that he actually had sent
any money back,

which is a bit tricky.

I'm very consistent
with my maintenance, Rob.

Oh, no, you are.
I would never say anything.

In case you wanted to draw
a parallel there.

So this was Coleridge's study.

Wow.

And possibly his bedroom
as well.

Hey.

He would, like... probably had
opium in here maybe.

Possibly laudanum,

because that's what they
were taking at that time,

initially as a painkiller,
but then perhaps he would...

well, he did become
addicted to it.

Oh, hey.
Look at that.

See that?

Beautiful.

You can't paint that.

Well...

Well, you could,
but it'd be a bit rubbish.

Probably sell it
for about 25 quid

in one of the tourist shops
around here.

Fuck.

Why do you do that, eh?
Why?

You know it's
physically impossible?

[groans]

My back.

[sighs]

Are you ready to order?

Yes, please.

- Shall I go first?
- Yep.

Could I have the scallops
to start, please?

And then I'll have the pigeon
as the main course.

I will have the rabbit,
please,

followed by the lamb.

Thank you.

Nice image,
rabbit following a lamb.

That's a bit weird.
Rob.

A bit weird.

Oh, yeah.

Can we have a knife
for the butter, please,

and a rolled-up �20 note
for the salt?

Thank you.

Gentlemen, your wines.

The Cheverny
and the Chablis Premier Cru.

Ah, marvelous.

Premier Cru.

I know that that means
it's good.

Premier Cru.

Premier, first, the best.

Cru?

Don't know.

[laughs]

Mystery. Mystery.
But that's good.

It's good to have mystery
about these things.

It's a premier. That's good.
It's the first of something.

Okay, service.
Table six, scallops.

Lovely.

This is Hazlett on Coleridge.

"All that he had done of moment
he had done 20 years ago.

"Since then, he maybe is said

"to live on the sound
of his own voice.

He is a general lover
of art and science."

That's true.

"And wedded to no one
in particular."

Okay, it's about me.
I didn't realize, but carry on.

" He pursues knowledge
as a mistress."

Okay.

" It was not to be supposed
that Mr. Coleridge could keep on

"at the rate he set off.

"A-ha.

He could not realize all"...

Is that written down?

" And less could not fix
his desultory ambition.

Other stimulants
supplied the place"...

Careful, you were going
to Jimmy Saville then,

but I'll let it go.

" Other stimulants supplied
the place and kept up

"the intoxicating dream,
the fever, and the madness

of his early impressions."

Right.
I don't do impressions.

I'm saying that it can be hard
to have a big success.

Bob Balaban said, " Never be hot.
Always be warm."

And a lot of the people that are
thought of as great had...

[mimics explosion]

supernova moments.

Where do you go from there?

Well, it's difficult,
you know,

once you've achieved greatness,
to match that.

I imagine it is.

Yeah,
and you'll always imagine,

because it's not a problem

you'll ever have
to contend with.

But that's not
a problem for me, why?

I'd rather be me than you,

because I'd rather have
these moments of genius

than a lifetime of mediocrity.

My career is not mediocre.

Doesn't matter
about the thyme.

- Scallops.
- Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Golly. Thank you.

I always think of Coleridge

as sort of a Richard Burton
type character.

[as Burton]
In Xanadu did Kubla Kahn

a stately pleasure-dome decree

where Alph,
the sacred river, ran

through caverns measureless
to man down to a soundless sea.

I'm very impressed with that.

You shocked me,
'cause I would have thought

that you would have preferred

Olivia Newton-John's
version of Xanadu.

I think both Newton-John
and Coleridge

tackled the subject of Xanadu
with varying degrees of success.

They call it Xanadu.

Yes.

Xanadu.

Xaaaanadu.

In Xanadu.

First one, pigeon,
lamb encore,

followed by duck, lamb encore.

Thank you.

Golly, that does look nice.

That looks lovely.
What is that?

- Pigeon.
- Really?

Yeah.

Mmm.

It's a little like haggis.

Yeah?

Anyone ever asks you
to go on a haggis hunt,

be careful what you say.

[as Connery]
They've taken you for a fool.

Taken you for a fool.

As a bloody fool.

[mumbling] There's no such thing
as a haggis hunt.

[sighing]

[mumbling]

I just imagined myself
pointing my knife upside down

and just pressing my head
onto it.

Desperate to be
taken seriously, aren't you?

No.

You can't treat your entire life
like a Radio 4 panel show.

Buzz.
Yes, you can.

Alex James said he celebrated
his 20th birthday with alcohol,

his 30th with drugs,
and his 40th with food.

Is that how it is for you?

Um...

Well, don't you find
it exhausting,

still running around, going
to parties and chasing girls...

I don't run around
and go to parties.

I don't run around
and chase girls.

You do.

- No, I don't...
- You chase girls.

I don't chase them.

You make me sound
like Benny Hill.

But don't you find all that
exhausting at your age?

No.

Do you find it exhausting
looking after a baby?

Yes, I do.

Yeah, well...

everything's exhausting
when you're past 40.

Everything's exhausting
at our age.

[sighs]

[line trilling]

Hi, Emma.

Hey, are you all right?

Yeah, I got a missed call.

Yeah, I was just phoning

to remind you
about the photographer.

She's gonna meet you
at Hipping Hall tomorrow.

Okay. Well... hang on.
A photographer?

Yeah, for the photos
for the article.

We talked about it
in the office, remember?

Yeah, it's on my itinerary.

Okay, yeah. Okay.

Her name's Yolanda,
by the way.

And I'm gonna come up with her
tomorrow, so you'll see me then.

Oh, so I'll see you
tomorrow then, yeah?

Yeah, see you tomorrow.
All right.

- Good.
- Take care.

Okay, bye. Bye.

A-ha!

[voice echoing]

This is Langdale.

You know what that means?

It means "long valley"
in Viking.

- This would have...
- Oh!

All this was formed
in the last ice age,

about 10,000 years ago.

Incredible, isn't it?

How far are we gonna go?

A little bit further.

Because it's late.

I know. I know.

As you can see, the sun is now
on the other side of the...

- Hello.
- It's okay. Hello.

Human history has been recorded
for, what, 3,000 years?

and yet, you know, right now,
we're in a warm period,

but there's gonna be another
ice age very soon,

in about, say,
another 3,000 years,

but that's the blink of an eye.

The rocks here were formed
400 million years ago.

400 million years ago.

It's like... where we are now,

this was a huge
volcanic caldera.

This was a volcanic lake
of molten volcano,

and it was on a land mass
called Avalonia

that drifted from the South Pole
all the way to where we are now

over sort of hundreds
of million years.

We shouldn't probably
go much further

just because of the light.

It's... isn't that beautiful,
that?

Yeah.

I think it almost is
more beautiful in the mist.

It's like a...
It's like a Turner painting.

[sighs]

Let me get two tickets
for Dove Cottage.

I'm really sorry, sir,
but the last admission is 5:00.

Right, okay, well,
it's five past.

I'm really sorry, sir,
but these are the rules.

We'll be very quick.

Yes, I know, but that
really wouldn't be fair

on all the other latecomers.

What other latecomers?
I can't see anyone.

No, I know.
Not at the moment, but...

Please?
We've come from London.

Why didn't you come earlier?

Well, that's... because I got
stuck in traffic.

Well, I'm really sorry.

Perhaps you could
come back tomorrow.

- I can't come back tomorrow.
- Is this man troubling you?

What are you doing?
Honestly.

We just wondered
if we could pop inside

and have a little look
at the cottage.

Mr. Brydon?

Yes, it is.

It's very nice to meet you.

Would you do something for me?

Depends what it is.

I have a grandson,
and he loves that tiny man...

Small man in a box?

Small man in the box
that you do.

Could you sign this for him?

Sure. Yeah.

Thank you. Thank you.

What's his name?

His name is William.

Well, look, I'll sign this
for William, okay, if...

[as small man]
if my friend and I

can go take a look
at Dove Cottage.

What do you say?

I don't understand that.

[stammering]

Why do people
have to be like that?

She wasn't being
like anything.

It is only open
for another half an hour,

and that woman, in all fairness,
is probably bereaved.

Yeah, but why... it's not
my fault her husband's dead.

No, but you...

Old people, at some time...
not all old people,

but a lot of them...
seek out aggravation.

Oh, that's total rubbish.

She was lovely.

Looks not unlike yourself
in that picture.

Okay, ready?
One, two...

[camera shutter clicks]

Want some?

Uh, no, thank you.

Sure?

Absolutely.

I never smoked.

Mm.

That's the trouble with you,
Rob.

You're not open
to new experiences.

[scoffs]

I would remind you of the time
I had a Red Bull and Coke.

That's not what Coleridge
would have been imbibing.

He wouldn't have been having
a spliff, would he?

No, he wouldn't, but I mean,
if they'd been around...

He would
have definitely partaken

if they'd have been around.

If you really want
to pay tribute to him,

you should be having some opium.

What, that's...

Or its modern-day equivalent.

This is... well, this is...

well, no, the modern-day
equivalent of that,

that's heroin.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

I'm not a junkie, Rob.

I'm not encouraging you
to become hooked on heroin.

I'm just saying...

It sounds like you are.

I'm not.
Why would I do that?

I don't know.
For a laugh.

Ha-ha.
It was a hell of a laugh.

You know Steve?
You seen Steve lately?

He's living
at the council estate

curled up in his own shit.

Aye.
That was my doing, that was.

I suggested he try heroin.

Cracking idea.

I would never do that.

Most creative... the most
creative people smoke, you know,

smoke marijuana, smoke hash.

Are you Steve Coogan?

Yes, I am.

A-ha!

A-ha.

- All right, man. How you doing?
- Fine, thanks.

Yeah, listen, do us a favor,
would you?

Will you sign that?

- Yes, of course.
- Make it out to Paul.

Okay.

- Can I ask you a question?
- Yeah, of course, absolutely.

Is true,
what I read about you?

What do you read about me?

That you're a bit of a cunt.

Well, where did you read that?

It's in today's newspaper.
Here, look.

Uh, whoever said that
doesn't know me very well.

Are you sure?

[laughs]

What?

"Coogan is a cunt says dad."

[laughs]

"Cunt"?

Did you not sleep well
or something?

No.

I couldn't get off
'cause of the food,

and then when I did get off,

I was having awful dreams,
really bad dreams.

Blue cheese.

Coleridge was a poor sleeper.

I was reading his poem
called The Pains of Sleep.

"Sleep, the wide blessing,

"seemed to me distemper's
worst calamity.

"The third night, when my own
loud scream had waked me

"from the fiendish dream,

"o'ercome with sufferings
strange and wild,

I wept as I had been a child."

Yes.
Oh, I know that.

That's the drugs.

What?

Coleridge. The opium.

He was a big druggie.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

You could have a costume drama
here, couldn't you?

I would...

Mel Gibson coming over
the hill.

I would just love to do
a costume drama in these hills,

just leaping, vaulting over
dry stone walls with a scabbard.

This, like, dead look in my eyes

'cause I've seen so many horrors
that I'm just immune to it.

And they always say
something like,

[authoritative voice]
Gentlemen, to bed.

Gentlemen, to bed,
for we leave at first light.

Tomorrow we battle,
and we may lose our lives,

but remember,
death is but a moment.

Cowardice is a lifetime
of affliction.

Nice.

To bed,
for we rise at daybreak!

Very good. Very good.
Very impressive.

Always leave at daybreak.

No, they never leave at,
you know, 9:30.

[authoritative voice]
Gentlemen, to bed,

for we leave at 9:30.

- Ish.
- Ish.

Gentlemen, to bed,
for we rise at...

What time is the battle?

It's about, oh, 12:00?

Right, 12:00.

That's about, on horseback,
about three hours or something.

So we leave about 8:00, 8:30?

- 8:30 for 9:00.
- Yes.

Gentlemen, to bed,
for we leave at 8:30 for 9:00,

and we rise at just after day...
7:30, so just after daybreak.

Gentlemen, to bed, for we leave
at 9:30 on the dot.

On the dot.

Do you want to have a run,
sire, in the morning?

- Yes. Yes.
- To loosen up, sire.

You know the other thing
they never say is...

[authoritative voice]
Right, well,

we'd better make a move.

I want to get back in daylight.
We'd better make a move.

To bed. Tomorrow we rise.
We leave at 10:00-ish.

But now to bed, unless you are
one of those people, like me,

who finds it very hard to get
off after he's eaten cheese,

in which case,
stay awhile by the fire,

talk of battles past and old,

and then and only then, sire,
go thee to bed.

And sleep well.

Sleep the sleep
of 1,000 martyrs.

Sleep well, my brother.

Sleep well, my sister.

Sleep with my sister.

Sleep well, my brother.

Sleep well, my sister,
but please,

do not sleep with my sister.

Leave my sister out of it,
all right?

Leave my sister alone.

Don't touch her.

Gentlemen, to bed,
for at daybreak, I will...

Breakfast.

We will breakfast.

- Sire, sire.
- Yes?

'T is a continental breakfast.

'Twill only take
20 minutes, max.

Thank you, Brother Rob.

Brother Rob?
Don't call me Brother Rob.

- I'd be Brother Jed.
- No, no, no.

Have you seen Rob Roy?
Liam Neeson in a kilt.

Of course you
could be called Rob.

[with Scottish accent]
Brother, tomorrow,

tomorrow we shall
have breakfast.

We shall rise at 9:00, and we
shall head off tomorrow morning.

Thank you, Brother Rob.

And let me say this.

Look into my eyes.

You are my brother,

and you sound a bit
like Billy Connolly.

[as Connolly] I know.
I know. I can't help it.

[as Connolly]
Gentlemen, to bed,

for tomorrow we rise
at daybreak.

We rise at daybreak.

Why do they do that?
They always rise at daybreak.

[both imitating
orchestral piece]

They'd always... their
expressions would really match...

# Dee-ba dee
bop bop bop ba-dah #

Yeah, big, open-face.
Happy faces.

# Ooh, ba-da, bop bop ba #

It was nice.

It was a very un-cynical
kind of music.

I miss it.
I really miss it.

Hello.

- Hey, you all right?
- Yes.

This is Yolanda,
the photographer.

- Hi.
- This is Steve.

Nice to meet you.

- Rob.
- Hi.

- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.

Hi, Emma.
How are you?

I'm very good.
Are you all right?

Hello.

Good.

Don't do that.
That's very funny.

Yeah, there's been none
of that on the trip.

No, none of that.
Heavy petting.

- Heavy petting.
- We draw the line.

Pass the time somehow.

But no penetration.

- Very good.
- Absolutely.

Okay, it's just up here,
and I looked at all the rooms,

and yours is the nicest.

Good. Good.

What's Rob's room like?

It's nice. It's nice.

It's not as big as yours,
but, yeah.

Great.

There you go.

Oh, very nice.
Very beige.

Yeah, well, yeah.

The bathroom's through there.

There's, like,
a little study area,

and, yeah, it's all right.

Great. Great.

All right.

Listen, have I met
Yolanda before?

I don't know.
Maybe before my time maybe.

We need to get some sort
of a system going, you know,

about who I've met before
and who I haven't,

because they remember
meeting me,

and I don't remember
meeting them,

so that can get embarrassing.

- Do you want me to ask her?
- No, no, no. Don't ask her.

Okay. Okay.

Just see if
she mentions anything.

Right. Okay.

[sighs]

So is this all right?
Look okay?

Yeah, you look nice, yeah.

Look a bit like that guy
off Top Gear.

What, Jeremy Clarkson?

No, no, no, the other one.

Oh, Richard Hammond?

- Yeah, yeah.
- That's worse.

Well...

[sighs]

So how has the trip been
so far?

Rob?

[as Ronnie Corbett]
I can honestly say

it's one of the most enjoyable
periods of my life.

[chuckles]

Yolanda,
do you know who that is?

No, I don't.

Okay, who's this?
Ready? Who's this?

[as Caine] She was only...
She was only 15 years old.

She was only 15 years old.

She was only 15... listen
to the sound of the voice.

I'll give you a clue.
It's not a Muppet.

[laughs]

That's all I'm saying.

She was only 15 years old.

You're a big man,
but you're out of shape.

Right, but nowadays, he's...

Right, now, this is how
he sounds now.

[gravelly Caine]
The voice has gone...

Shall I prepare the Batmobile,
Master Wayne?

That is how he talks now.
Right?

I've just been to do
an Italian Job

with Hannah and Her Sisters.

On the way,
I had a bit of a Zulu,

so I had to pop to the loo,

and then, then, I...
I...

Not a lot of people know...

[normal voice] You know that?

- It sounds so familiar.
- He's an international star.

But I really... the thing is,
is it an actor?

Yes.

No, he's the man who comes
and does my boiler.

Yes, he's an actor.

He might as well be the guy
who comes and does his boiler.

Because if he is an actor,
in Spain, they dub the films,

so I really...

Oh, they... okay.

What, they dub the films?

[mumbling as Caine]

Here we go.

[mumbling as Caine]

Not a lot of people...

- That's not my accent.
- No, it's not.

No, no,
it's a rough approximation.

Do you like that racist
generalized interpretation

of Spanish?

[mumbling]

Such an ass.

Right, ready, here's a clue.
This might give it to you.

[as Caine]
My name is Michael Caine.

Okay. All right. Yeah.

- Who is it?
- Michael Caine.

Michael Caine.

Hey, wow.

[as Caine] Rob's was
a very entertaining version,

but I don't think...
I don't think it was as accurate

as mine.

She was only 15...
She was only 15 years old.

You're getting Michael Caine
in stereo.

- She was only 15...
- She was only 15 years old.

You were only supposed
to blow the bloody doors off.

She was only 15 years old.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, I do recognize him now.

Excellent.
Let's move on. Good.

Oh, wow.
Thank you very much.

[laughs]

I was thinking I could take
the photographs up in the hills.

I saw a place when I was coming,
very nice.

Oh, right.
Okay, yes. A lone walker.

Wandered lonely as a cloud.

Yeah, well, that sounds
a bit like I'm lonely.

You gonna change your clothes?

Again?

Well, actually...

I wouldn't wear that
in the hills.

No, you're right.

I've got proper walking gear.

I've got, you know, crampons.

[as Alan Partridge]
Oh, might like to go

for a nice ramble, Lyn,

up Helvellyn.

Lyn, Lyn, where are my crampons?

Why have you brought tampons?
That's not what I said.

No, you fool, crampons.

Oh.

That's good.

You could have written
for the show,

'cause it's so up there
with the best stuff.

I've love to quote
your own stuff back at you,

but I just don't know any.

Odd, 'cause you were executive
producer on a lot of it.

And I still don't know any.

You never were that attentive
at work, were you?

So this is it, just kind of,
you know...

- Nice.
- Yeah, it's whatever.

It's creamy.

You like cream,
then you'll be happy.

I guess just a little
seating area there

and a bathroom.

Wow.
It's very nice.

Don't know why
I'm telling you.

[chuckles]

Petit four.
Why are they called petit fours?

Little oven.
"Four" is French for "oven."

Ah.

Yolanda, did...
have we met before?

Yes, we have.

It was five years ago.

It was a photo shoot
for Time Out.

Right, and did we
do something afterwards?

- Yes, we did.
- Okay.

- You don't remember?
- No, I do remember.

- How are you?
- I'm okay. I'm fine, yeah.

- Good.
- Yeah.

Listen, I think I'm gonna
have a line.

Do you want one?

- Coke?
- Yeah.

No. No. No.

- Do you mind if I do?
- Oh, no.

Okay.

There's a bathroom there
with lots of marble, so...

Okay. All right. Thank you.

So they're picking clothes.

He's probably wearing
the crampons now.

He's up the side
of the wardrobe.

What do you think?
What do you think?

Does this look good?

Like Tom Cruise
in Mission: Impossible II.

[laughs]

- Yolanda?
- Mm-hmm?

I mean, this is kind of,
sort of, you know, outdoorsy.

Bit of the Shackleton...

It's a bit too bright.

Well, this is
what I would wear if I was,

you know, genuinely out walking.

The red's just
for safety reasons, really.

I've got darker stuff.
That's fine.

Okay.
You sure you don't want one?

No.

Uh... no?

No.

Reminds me
of the kind of place where,

like, Wuthering Heights...

Oh, Wuthering Heights.
Yeah.

- No, that's not far from here.
- Oh, really?

Yeah,
it's the Yorkshire Moors.

That's... yeah.
A place called Howarth.

Oh, okay.

Wuthering Heights.

So do you think
I could play Heathcliff?

Definitely.

Yeah.

I'd have to me more, like...

I'd like to play...

I think he's, you know,
he's interesting.

Very interesting.

- Kind of cruel.
- Mm-hmm.

Cruel, but, I don't know,
compelling, I guess, is...

There is something
very attractive about him.

Yeah.

Think I'm a little old
to play him, but I'd like to.

Are you sad
not to be in the picture?

I'm a tiny bit hurt
that he didn't want me to,

but I'm only saying that
because it's you.

I'm not at a level
that any human could notice.

Only dogs could detect my hurt.

Dogs and me.

Yes, and you're not a...

[as Grant]
If you were a dog,

then I should be very happy
for you to...

gosh, to curl up in my basket

and chew my bone.

[normal voice] That sounds...
Yeah, sorry.

It's all right.

[camera shutter clicking]

[phone ringing]

What's that?

Sorry, that's...
Can I take this?

- It's my American agent.
- Sure.

Hello.

Steve Coogan.
Hey, man.

- Matt, how are you doing?
- I'm doing good.

What's the weather like
in Steve Coogan land?

It's frigging cold.

Well, it's hot in Hollywood.
I'll tell you that.

I wish I was.
I know the weather is.

Cut to the chase.
Cut to the chase.

You have got co-lead
in a drama series.

It's called... let me give you
the info here.

It's called...

Yeah, it's called Pathological.

Okay, you play a pathologist.

If it goes, it's seven years.

If it goes,
you're a household name.

I think the pork belly
made me a little...

a little amorous.

- Did it?
- Yes.

- Pork will do that to you.
- Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Was that good news?

Yeah, kind of.

It's... they've offered me
a lead in a drama.

Oh, wow.

It's nice to, you know,
nice to get an offer like that.

Absolutely.
That's just fantastic.

I'm just... my chin's okay,
right?

- Your chin is absolutely fine.
- Okay.

It's beautiful.

I can... you know,
if you ever want to see

the Bronte sisters' house,
it's not so far.

If you want to go visit,
I'll take you there.

[door rattles]

Have you noticed
as you get older,

older women
seem more attractive to you?

- And younger women.
- And younger women.

Women in general.

Well, yeah.

Younger women because
of their life-giving qualities,

and older women just 'cause,
you know,

'cause you appreciate
personality more.

I thought we'd try and avoid
the A roads, right,

and go up the B6255 to Hawes,
right,

and then cut down through
Oughtershaw,

Yockenthwaite, Buckden,

down the B6160
through Kettlewell,

then the B6265 through
Grassington to Pateley Bridge,

then up to Ramsgill
from there, right?

Yes, captain.

Can we use the sat nav tomorrow?

The thing about sat nav is,
you don't where you're...

you have no sense of geography.

Yeah, but it gets you there
the quickest way.

It's not about
the destination.

It's about the journey.

Ah.

Well?

Well?

Did you?

I meet women. I charm them.
I seduce them.

It's the aristocratic way.

Women are my windmills.

I tilt at them.

I'm like a knight, a knight
of old, wandering the land...

Don Quixote.
Yeah?

In a manner of speaking.

A British Don Quixote.

Don Coogan.

The Don.

Oh, Don Coogan.

I'm just gonna de-mist
the windows, Rob,

if that's all right with you.

See that there?

- That's a brook.
- Yeah.

You know what it's doing?

- Babbling.
- Yeah.

The only thing that babbles
is a brook.

And what else?
What else babbles?

- You.
- No. No, I ramble.

I ramble.

I ramble through the hills
and occasionally

at dinner parties.

They used to think this
was a collapsed cave,

but this was actually formed
about 10,000 years ago

by just traditional glaciation.

A big block of ice, say,
a kilometer thick,

would start to melt,
and normally,

the water would find
tributaries and sort of...

Whoa!
Look at that!

The limestone was too frozen
for the...

All right. Don't talk.

For the rivers to find
a way through.

Stop talking.

Yeah, but I'm just sharing
a bit of information.

You ought to...

I don't want to listen
to you all the time.

I don't want to listen to you
all the time,

but you give me all that.

I've been absolutely silent
all the way up here.

I'm telling you something
useful about what's made this...

Yeah, and I'd rather
you didn't explain.

I'd rather look at it
and appreciate it.

You're just annoyed because
you don't know about...

It's annoying you
that I know about...

I'm not annoyed.
I just want to look at it.

- Just be... shush.
- Okay. All right.

I never thought you'd tell me
to shush.

Christ.

Wow.

Five years have passed.

Five summers with the length
of five long winters,

and again I hear these waters

rolling from their mountain
springs with soft inland murmur.

Oft in lonely rooms
'mid the din of towns and cities

I have owed to them in times
of weariness sensations sweet.

You know where
that was written?

Tintern Abbey, Wales.

I know.
That's why I asked you.

[in high-pitched voice]
Oft in lonely rooms

'mid the din of towns and cities

I have owed to them in hours
of weariness...

You're spoiling it.
You're spoiling it.

Why do you have to do it
in that voice?

Come on.
Let's head on up.

Where?

Up there.

- You serious?
- Yeah.

- No.
- Why?

It's too dangerous.

You've just got to make sure
you've got secure footing.

They've got hats
and backpacks.

The backpack makes it harder.

I sometimes get, like,
a fluttery heart,

like, an arrhythmic heartbeat,
and I've got it now.

I get it when I'm stressed.

All right.
Well, I'm going that way.

I'll be about a couple of hours,
right?

How long?

- Two hours.
- Two hours?

Yeah, if it gets to three,
then mountain rescue.

If you break your leg,
don't come running to me.

Ha-ha. Very good.

Steve.

Steve!

Be careful.

[sheep bleating]

[sighs]

- Afternoon.
- Good afternoon.

Lovely day.

Beautiful, yeah.

Absolutely superb.

I know.
It's magical.

Yeah,
we're very fortunate today.

Have you been here, around
this area for a while, or...

Yeah, I'm aware of, you know...

Oh, that's excellent.

You know about
the limestone a wee bit

without being clever.

So you'll know that it started
off life in the Bahamas

somewhere around
that sort of line of latitude

south of the equator.

Well, the land mass
was part of Avalonia.

That's right, yeah.
Yeah.

Which had joined onto Laurasia,
of course,

and world famous
Malham limestone pavement,

I suppose,
you would describe it.

Malham Cove,
it's in many, many textbooks.

No, well aware of it.

And photographs.
Tremendous.

The only disadvantage
with limestone,

although a very hard rock,

road wearing
and all the rest of it,

coarse base stuff,
it dissolves in weak acid,

and the acid derives
from the water,

rainwater which combines
with carbon dioxide

in the atmosphere,
and then the rain falls

onto the limestone,
which is calcium carbonate.

Yeah.

And the features
that we're looking at,

these linear features,
begun as, basically,

cracks in the rock
as it lithified.

That's right. Yeah.

And of course,
they've dissolved into the width

that we see today,
as have the...

not only the longitudinal ones,
the east-west ones, same thing,

but the features on the surface
are, indeed, very famous indeed.

You'll see a number
of these little potholes.

Oh, yeah.

They are water solution holes
known as rundkarren.

Yeah.

The long features on
the surface are the rillenkaren.

Fantastic.
It's fascinating stuff.

Yeah.

Okay, I'll be on my way.

- Righto.
- Thanks. Cheerio.

Bye.

Here we are.
The Yorke Arms.

Wonderful.

Wow.

This is your room, sir.

Oh, beautiful. Yeah.

Oh, it's lovely.

The bathroom
is just over there.

Yeah.

Oak. Nice oak.

If you need anything,
we'll be in reception.

Okay, can you get
phone reception around here?

No, I'm sorry,
but if you go along the lake,

you can have some reception
there.

- Great. Lovely. Okay.
- Okay.

[line trilling]

Hello?

Hey. Hey.

Where have you been?

I called you four times
last night.

You didn't call me back.

I know, honey.

Listen... look...

[stammering]

These restaurants that
you've picked are great places,

but the phone reception sucks.

It's really bad.

Have you been doing drugs?

No.

No, of course not.

Look, if you couldn't get me,
I was...

You know where I am right now?
I'm in a field.

It's a very beautiful field.

It's really gorgeous,

but, you know,
I can't really enjoy it.

I'm with a short Welsh man
who does impressions.

It's not fun.

So are there lots of pretty
Northern waitresses up there?

No, there's no beautiful
Northern waitresses.

They're all Spanish or Polish
or from somewhere.

Great, so they're beautiful

Eastern European
waitresses up there.

Perfect.

Yeah, well, yeah, listen,
you're the one who said

we were taking a break, so,
you know, what do you expect?

Does that mean
you've been with other girls

because we're on a break?

I wish you were here.

You could have been here
with me.

Yeah, I know.

You chose not to be.

Well, you know where I am.
You can come see me anytime.

Oh, Christ.

Look at the time.
Got to go, Steve.

Hope you get reception again
sometime soon.

All right. Yes. Thanks.
Bye, baby. Bye, bye.

Okay, bye, bye, bye.

[imitating sonar pulse]

What is that, a sonar?

[imitating sonar pulse]

[attempting to mimic sound]

[imitating sonar pulse]

It's got to be...

[imitating sonar pulse]

[attempting to mimic sound]

[imitating sonar pulse]

No, you sound like a submarine
clearing its throat.

Sound like a Scouse submarine.

[attempting to mimic sound]

Gentlemen, have you decided
what you'd like?

Could I have the souffl� to
start and then the lamb, please?

And the lamb to follow.
Thank you.

Tuna followed by the cod,
please.

And then the cod.
Lovely. Thank you very much.

I'll take those for you.

- Thank you very much.
- Thank you.

Just take that for you.

- Okay, thank you.
- Thank you.

Do you know the Abba song
The Winner Takes It All?

[stammering]

The reason that song
has so much pain

is because he wrote the words
for her to sing

about their breakup,

but he wrote the lyrics
from her point of view.

# I apologize #

# If it makes you feel sad #

# Seeing me so tense #

both: # No self-confidence #

But you see...

both: # The winner
takes it all #

It's a bit presumptuous
that he's saying

that she has no self-confidence.

She might say...

[adopts Swedish accent]
But wait,

I have plenty
of self-confidence.

I'm just sad
about the breakdown.

One tuna away, please.

[with Swedish accent]
# I don't want to talk #

both: # About things
we've gone through #

# Though it's hurting me #

All of her Ss are high.

Though it'ssss herding me...

"Herding"?

Now it'ssss hissstory.

Don't make her like the chef
from the Muppets.

# Though it's herding me #

[mumbling as Swedish Chef]

He was Swedish.

He wasn't in Abba.

[with Swedish accent]
# Now it's hissstory #

# I played all my cards #

Now you sound like the Nazis
from Inglourious Basterds.

- Who I look like.
- Yes.

[adopts German accent]
# I played all my cards #

[adopts German accent]
Now it's hurting me,

and now I'm going to kill
some Jews under the floor.

[mimicking gunfire]

Und that's what
you've done too.

That's what you've done too.

The winner takes it all,
Mr. Bond.

Come, come, Mr. Bond.
The winner takes it all.

[maniacal laughter]

Come, come, Mr. Bond,

you enjoy playing all your cards
just as much as I do.

[as Connery]
When I play my cards,

I play for Benny and Bjorn.

[laughs]

I find the song quite moving.

Your roast cod
with truffle ravioli

and a spiced cauliflower.

A saddle of Nidderdale lamb
with mutton pudding.

- Thank you very much.
- Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Yeah.

Hopkins, Sheen,
Brydon, Burton,

the Port Talbot four.

- That's what we're known as.
- Really?

Yeah, Michael Sheen.

[as Sheen] How are you?

Good evening.

[mumbling]

We couldn't have done that
the way that Michael does it.

Let's face it.

- We could not have played...
- We? We? We?

We couldn't. We couldn't.
We're not the same.

We're different animals.

We couldn't play those parts.

No, you're not
the same as him.

I'm more similar to him.

Well, why don't you do
the sort of roles that he does?

Because no one
will give those roles to me.

I've got an albatross
around my neck,

and it's got the face
of Michael Sheen.

Do you try for those roles?

Yeah, and Michael Sheen
gets them all.

Michael Sheen is very good.

- Michael Sheen is always...
- Brilliant.

He's not brilliant; he's good.
He's solid.

He is brilliant.

I'm fucking brilliant!

Yes, but not
in the same way as...

Michael Sheen couldn't do
what you do.

Michael Sheen couldn't play
Alan Partridge.

Michael Sheen couldn't play
Pauline Calf.

All right?

But equally,
you couldn't play David Frost.

Huh?

I don't believe
that you really believe

that I couldn't play
David Frost.

I think you could play it.
Of course you could play it.

Bloody hell.
The waiter could play it.

But how well
are you gonna play it?

Very well.

[as Sheen] Hello.

[mumbling]

I mean, Michael almost
doesn't have to say the words.

He can just go...

And you know what he's doing.

[stammering]

You were just
jutting your chin out.

Mm, that's me.

If Michael did it,
people would go,

"Fucking hell,
it's David Frost."

Well, you know, I got down to
the last two for Peter Sellers.

Yes, you did,
and on that count,

as I've told you
many times before,

you would have been better
than Geoffrey Rush.

You know,
I was actually in that film?

Have I told you this?

I played Dustin Hoffman.

Oh, yes,
when he got his Oscar.

[as Hoffman] I had to do
a speech as Dustin Hoffman.

- Really?
- Yeah.

He says... and I learned this,
right?

I refuse to accept that
I'm better than Jack Lemmon,

than Peter Sellers,

than whoever else
the other one was.

He could have turned down
the award.

He could have turned down the
Oscar if he refused to accept...

Yeah, all right.
That's not the point.

I'm just saying that I was
in it, and I got cut out.

Oh, wow. Thank you very much.
Look at that.

It's a chocolate
inverted comma.

He's got an ironic dessert.

Thank you.

Your apple Breton
with lemon sorbet

and croque monsieur.

And your chocolate dessert
is a warm chocolate fondant,

chocolate tier,
chocolate Neapolitan,

and a chocolate
and caramel tart.

Thank you very much indeed.

Can there be
any more chocolate?

You want some of that?

Okay, yeah.

Good, isn't it?

I'm sure people think
we're gay.

I don't care.

No, I don't either.
I don't care.

[as small man] Where are you?
I don't know where you are.

Somebody get me out of here.

[normal voice] Who'd have
thought that would catch on, eh?

Got an iPhone app
with that on it now.

Really?

Haven't launched it.
About to launch it.

What, to launch an iPhone app
with your...

Rob Brydon,
Small Man in a Box.

I'm not a good businessman.

I'm an artist.

I'm cursed to be flawed
in my business ventures, but...

[as Woody Allen]
I got to tell you,

the food here is terrible,

and such small portions.

[as Allen]
[stammering]

Sex without love
is an empty experience,

but as empty experiences go,
it's one of the best.

You know, sex between two
people is a wonderful thing.

Between three, it's terrific.

[stammering]

No, really, I enjoyed
making love last night.

It was the most fun
I've had without laughing.

You know, they tell me...
I hear my ex-wife

was violated in the street.

I said, " Knowing my ex-wife,

it was probably
not a moving violation."

[line trilling]

Hello?

Hey, Joe.
It's Dad.

Yeah, I know.

Your name comes up
on the screen.

Oh, that's good.

I'm gonna cut to the chase.

I spoke to your mum.

She told me what happened
the other night.

I was just with some friends.
You know, it was only a drink.

Just having a bit of fun.

You can't do that.

If you work hard and...
you know...

[stammering]
then you can always...

you know, enjoy yourself
at the weekend.

But you've got to rein it in
during the week.

You have to, all right?

Okay.
How's the trip?

Uh...

It's good.

You know,
it's kind of enjoyable.

Rob's being, you know,
sort of a pain in the ass,

but I tolerate him.

How long have you known him?

Rob?

11 years.
Something like that.

That's amazing.

Is it?

Yeah.
That's such a long time.

Yes.

Yeah, I suppose it is.

Yeah, he's...

[stammering]

Yeah, he's a, you know,
he's a good friend.

Yeah, I miss you.

Yeah, I miss you too.

Okay, listen, I'll be back soon,

and we'll have some
fun time together, yeah?

Constructive fun time,
all right?

Yeah.

All right, listen, love you.

Take care, and behave.

Yeah.

- All right, mate.
- See ya.

See ya.

[as Grant]
I am once again bottomless.

Don't you ever get cold
being bottomless?

No, no, I don't.

I think of you,
and I just let him free.

I let him off the lead,
as it were.

Let him run round the car park

in the hope that he sniffs up
something interesting.

He's under there now.

There's only a kind of
candlewick bedspread between...

Oh, candlewick bedspread?
That's not very sexy.

Well, there's a phone
resting on him as well,

so if the phone begins to move,

I'll know that you're weaving
your magic, as it were.

[strained voice] Oh, help me.

I'm the small man
stuck in a box.

Oh.

I'm trapped in a box.

[sighs]

[muffled] I'm trapped in a...
I'm trapped in a box.

[mumbling] I'm trapped in a box.

[mumbling]

I'm stuck in a box.
What are you doing?

What's happening?
What's happening?

Small man stuck in a box.

[nasally voice] I don't care
about silly voices.

They're stupid.

Why are we going so early?

Because I want to take in
Bolton Abbey

and then quickly say hi
to my parents.

You don't mind...
do you mind coming to say...

- Physically?
- Yes.

Actually visit them?

Well, I can't leave you
in the car.

You could bring me a lemonade
and a packet of crisps,

leave the window like that
so I don't get too hot.

Yeah, and I'll bring
my parents out to look at you,

and your nose is through the gap
there like that.

You can say,
"I would bring him in,

but he might make a mess."

[as Ian McKellan] From Bolton's
old monastic tower,

the bells ring loud
with gladsome power.

The sun shines bright.

The fields are gay

with people in their best array

of stole and doublet,
hood and scarf,

along the banks
of crystal Wharf.

And thus in joyous mood they hie
to Bolton's mouldering Priory.

Sir Ian McKellan.

Come, we shall walk together.

Is that why you went
to bed early last night,

so you could learn that poem?

Yes.
Mission accomplished.

I don't know why...

You weren't interested
in Wordsworth

before we went on this trip.

Or Bolton Abbey,
going on about Bolton Abbey.

This is lovely.
This is fantastic.

I know it is.

Why'd you have to do it
in Ian McKellan's voice?

It was a lovely poem.

What would have been really nice
is if you got up this morning...

If you learned that poem,
which I appreciate,

even though it was meant
to intimidate me.

If you got up this morning
and said the poem

in your own voice
and meant the words.

I chose a voice
to suit the mood.

I felt Sir Ian,
coming, as he does, from Bolton,

would be perfectly suited...

It's a different Bolton, Rob.

Yeah, well, same word.

I thought he'd be perfectly
suited for here.

And it is incredible.

I mean, look,
that is incredible.

[sighs]

Standing on a grave.
Sorry.

Will you be buried,
or will you be cremated?

I think I would like
to be buried,

so that I have a headstone,
like Elvis,

but I think
that when you have a headstone

and you're in a place, it puts
great pressure on your family,

your surviving family,
to visit you.

I'd be happy if you,
you know...

I'm happy with either.

If they buried you
or cremated you,

they would both suit me fine.

Would you come to my funeral?
Would you turn up, do you think?

Course I would.
Course I would. Yeah.

If only to pad out the numbers,
you know.

You know when someone dies
and they go to the funeral

and they say, you know,

"We should have done this
when he was alive.

He would have loved this."

What, cremated him?

No, you know,
hearing the eulogies.

That's what I'll say
at your funeral.

We should have done this
a lot when he was alive,

cremated him.

[mock laughter]

No riposte from you,
'cause you're dead.

[as small man] I don't think
you should say that.

You really shouldn't...

- Yeah.
- [normal voice] In the box.

You wouldn't be able to come
back with your man in a box

even though it would be
fantastic if you had,

'cause you'd be in a coffin.

It would have been the perfect
place to do it,

but you wouldn't be able
to do it...

I would literally be a man
in the box.

I know, it would
have been great,

but I'd be safe in the knowledge
that I could do that,

and he won't come back
with his man in a box,

which would have been brilliant,

but he can't,
'cause he's brown bread.

I'd be there. I'd be there.
I'd be at your funeral.

And now, from one of Rob's
very closest friends...

you'll know him, of course,
as TV's Alan Partridge,

and he has asked specifically to
come up and take 25, 30 minutes

to talk about his friend Rob.

Ladies and gentlemen...
[shushing]

Steve Coogan.

Oh, you may
also know Steve

from some of his very good
art house films

that have been
very well reviewed

by some of
the broadsheet newspapers.

Steve Coogan.

[sighs]

Thanks. Thank you.

A-ha!

Somebody will shout that out.
One of my Welsh relatives.

Yes, yes.

Alan Partridge.

Very much alive

compared with our good departed
friend Rob Brydon.

Rob was an interesting guy,

very funny,

very entertaining,
and yet, at the same time,

there was something...

Although he made me laugh
and made us all laugh, I think,

there was something about him
that was lost,

something about him that seemed
unable to confront

the reality of life,
and so when I think of Rob,

I think of him with both a smile

at some of the funny,
pithy one-liners

he would come out with
on Radio 4 panel shows,

but also for the man inside,

because behind every little,
pithy, vaguely amusing joke

is a cry for help.

Not gonna finish there,
are you?

- I won't finish there, no.
- Jesus Christ.

Um...

[stammering]

But of course, let's not
remember a man who was lost,

desperately trying
to legitimize his life

by doing silly voices constantly
and not confronting the truth.

Let's remember
the other side of Rob,

the Rob Brydon the entertainer,

the Rob Brydon who gave
some levity to our life

and helped us avoid confronting
the harsh realities

and helped us avoid looking
at the brutal reality

of what life is.

All right, talk about
some of the characters.

Some of the characters.

Who can forget his Tom Jones
impression?

[laughs]

Who can forget that?

[grunts]
Think I better die now.

You could say that.

[as Jones] [grunts]
Think I better die now.

- That's good.
- Yeah. I know.

Well, I'll take over
when you're...

I'll do plenty of Tom Jones
when you're dead.

Don't worry about that.

Hoo.

Oh, well, thank you.

Oh, you're welcome.

But there'll be affection there.

I'd... I would never
stick the knife in.

I might just, like,
tickle you with a knife.

That's all good sport.

Exactly. Exactly.
Exactly. Exactly. Exactly.

Should it go the other way.

It's okay. We don't...
I'm not asking you to do that.

Let's move on.

[mumbling]

No, I'm just saying,
if it did...

- Yeah, that's all right.
- I would be...

That's okay.
I don't need to know.

I'd rather that it be a mystery.

Oh, don't run it.

- What? What?
- Don't run!

- Why?
- There'll be moss.

Fucking hell.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

You've got stuck halfway
towards your destination!

You're stuck in a metaphor!

I'm not.

You'll... Ooh!
Ooh!

Oh, fuck!

[grunting]

Fuck.

It's a metaphor!

It's not a metaphor!
Fuck.

Fuck.

You looked at home
in the water.

I could see you
perhaps branching out

into more action roles.

How come you've left
your black pudding?

I don't dislike it,
but I'm never sure about it.

I just naturally don't go to it.

That's 'cause there's
risk involved.

There's a taboo.

Mmm. Mmm!

[maniacal laughter]

This is just...

really...

glorious.

A sunny day in England
with a fried breakfast.

It doesn't get much better.

This is nice, but if I'm being
very honest with you,

I'm looking forward
to being home now.

You and me both.

The most important thing
to me is that I have...

that my children are healthy,
that I am healthy so...

That's more important
than any work,

any award, anything like that.

That actually puts everything
in perspective.

I dare say you'd throw away
all your awards if it...

I'd throw them in a river.

If you could exchange them

for knowing your children
would live a happy, long...

I would happily
throw all my awards in a river,

not the sea.

Corrosion.

No, they're gonna corrode,
but if I threw them in a river,

if push came to shove,

I could hire a team of
scuba divers to retrieve them,

but, you know, the gesture
is the important thing.

No, the family's
more important.

No, family's more...
of course it is.

I mean, if it was a choice
between winning an award

and my child being healthy,
I would absolutely, you know...

Other way around, what if...

If you were to allow
your child to have an illness,

you could win, say, a BAFTA.

You could have a film BAFTA if...

an illness the child
would recover from

but would have some discomfort.

- No.
- Yeah?

That's a disgusting idea.

Let me up the stakes.

Oscar, best actor.

Eh, best actor, Steve.

What, for having an ill child?
Of course not.

- Not to...
- What kind of illness?

Appendicitis.

[sighs]

What, I mean...

So they get...
"Oh, my stomach.

Oh, my stomach's really hurt.
Where's Dad?"

"Oh, he's on location."

"It's really hurting,
really hurting, ah."

Doctor comes in.
Off to hospital.

[whooshing sounds]

"Ooh, I'm weak."
Then they're better.

Meanwhile,

"Academy Award winner,
Steve Coogan."

Hmm?

Ah, now we glimpse
the real man.

What do you mean?
I'm just... what do you mean?

I'm thinking about it.
I was thinking it through.

I think the answer's probably
I still wouldn't, probably.

[humming]

[both humming]

- Very nice.
- Yeah, lovely.

Lovely place to grow up,
you know?

Hello.

Hello.

- Nice to see you.
- Nice to see you.

- Hello.
- This is Rob.

- Lovely to meet you.
- Lovely to see you.

- Come in.
- Thank you very much.

- This is Molly.
- Nice to see you.

- Hey.
- Oh, what a lovely house.

Are you all right?
Oh, that's all right.

Hello.

This is Bernard, me dad.
This is Rob.

Nice to meet you.

Just saying
what a lovely house it is.

Rob Brydon off the telly.

Oh, there he is straightaway.
Look. Hall of fame.

[clears throat]

Yeah.

Ooh, and a daughter.
She's a bonnie lass.

That's not a daughter.
That's our Steven.

Yeah, he's just trying
to be funny.

Making a joke, yeah.

Well, he is funny, isn't he?

Well, on occasions.

I'll go make the tea.

Oh, thank you very much.
Thank you.

Oh, this is great.

- Come on through into...
- Oh, a conservatory.

Into the garden.

- No, not the conservatory.
- No politics, thank you.

[laughs]

All right.
Here we are.

Tea for the troops.

- Lovely.
- Thank you.

[as Grant]
This really is excellent.

Crikey. Crikey. Crikey. Gosh.
This is excellent.

I've been to Four Weddings
and a Funeral recently,

and I've not had, gosh, quite
such a substantial brew.

Oh, dear.

That's how you started,
didn't you, Steve?

- It is, yeah.
- With impressions.

Moved on now?

Well, yeah.

Quit while you're ahead,
you know?

It was a shock to all of us
when he started performing.

We thought it would be Deborah
or Martin, you know.

They were always the funny ones,
weren't they?

Yeah, you were always
the quiet one, weren't you?

Well, I was in my own
little world, you know,

sort of, you know, escape.

I was a daydreamer.

[as Allen] I used to daydream
constantly as a kid, you know,

growing up in New York,
and I never thought, you know,

I'd ever become
a great comedian, you know?

I just never figured I would,
you know, and...

[as Connery] whereas I, when
I was growing up in Edinburgh,

you know, before I became
Commander James Bond,

for me,
I was quite withdrawn also.

[as Caine] I, on the other hand,

grew up in the East End
of London,

and all I ever wanted to do
was blow the bloody doors off.

I've had to put up
with this all week.

Must be exhausting, keeping
all this going all the time.

Exhausting for everyone.

Listen, why don't you
stop for lunch?

Yes, that would be lovely.

Well, we should push on,
really.

Oh.

What route are you taking?

The... well,
getting on the M60 clockwise

and then on the M56, M6.

- You want to watch that.
- Why?

There's road works all the way
from junction 24 to 27.

It's terrible.

You'd be better off
going anti-clockwise.

Right. Okay. Yeah.

Yes, well, it's as broad
as it's long, isn't it?

- So, yeah, I'll do that.
- Good. Good.

- Really nice to meet you.
- God bless.

- Bye-bye. Bye-bye.
- Cheerio.

- Bye-bye.
- All right, see you, Mum.

How's Mischa?

[stammering]

She's in America at the moment,
yeah.

Oh, we thought
she'd be coming with you.

I know.

We're going through
a bit of a hiatus.

Oh, dear.

Rob's the substitute
girlfriend.

Oh, I hope not.

[laughter]

How's work?
Anything coming up?

Yeah, I've got a TV series
in America possibly, so...

- Really?
- Great.

Well, it would mean

spending a lot of time
over there, though.

That's the problem.

If you need anybody
to carry your bags around.

All right. Okay.
See ya, Dad.

Right. Yeah.

Oh, bye.

Now, listen, you take care
of yourself.

It's okay.
Nothing to worry about.

- All right.
- Everything's fine.

Bye, love. Bye.

See ya.

- Car's locked.
- What?

Locked.

Oh, sorry.
I thought I pressed it.

[locks click]

[engine turns over]

[horn honks]

Bye.

Come on, let's get in.

So have you made a decision
about America?

Will you stay, or will you go?

I'm not gonna...
I don't know.

I love Mischa,
and I want to be with her,

but... I don't really want
to talk about it, to be honest.

You don't want
to talk about it.

You want to talk about
things you've gone through?

No. No.

Though it's hurting me,
now it's history.

# Now it's history #

both: # I've played
all my cards #

# And that's
what you've done too #

# Nothing more to say #

# No more ace to play #

# Tell me, does she kiss #

# Like I used to kiss you? #

That's a shiver down my arms
whenever I hear that...

Thank you.

both: # Does it feel the same #

# When she calls your name? #

# I was in your arms #

[mimicking percussion sounds]

# Thinking I belonged there #

# Thinking
I'd be strong there #

Belonged there. Belonged there.

- # Building me a fence #
- I figured...

both: # Figured it made sense #

# Building me a fence #

# Ah, ah, ah, ah #

both: # Building me a home #

# Thinking I belong... #

# Thinking I'd be
strong there #

# Ah, ah, ah, ah #

# But I was a fool #

# Fool #

both: # Playing by the rules #

# The winner takes it all #

# The winner
takes it all #

# The winner takes it all #

# The winner #

# Takes #

# It #

# All #

Wow. Wow. I was up there.

Yeah.

I was up there.

I think you strained
a little bit.

I did strain. I did strain.

But I have a wonderful range.

- People... I could have done opera.
- How many octaves?

I don't know. Five. Five.

- Five? Five?
- How much is an octave?

All right, two.

Two... Pavarotti struggles
to do five.

One. One. I do one.

[clears throat]

Three.
I don't know...

I don't know how much
an octave is.

Just get your lowest note.

# La, low #

Hang on. Wait. Wait. Wait.
That's not it.

- Get your lowest...
- Well, yes!

# Low #

Okay, do an octave up.

# Oh #

No, do an octave up.

Well, how much is an octave?

# Oh #

It means just the same note,
but an octave higher.

Hey, listen.

# Ba, ba #

That's an octave up.

All right, but don't do it
as Roger Moore.

[sighs]

# Ah #

[as Scaramanga]
Come, come, Mr. Bond,

you enjoy singing an octave
just as much as I do.

[as Moore]
When I sing an octave up,

I sing it for queen and country.

Although, I admit...

Although, I admit,

singing an octave up with you
would be a pleasure.

Listen, it's do, re, mi,
fa, sol, la, ti, do,

and the next "do"
is an octave up.

# Do, re, mi, fa, sol,
la, ti, do #

That's an octave up
from the first "do."

[shushing]

# Do, re, mi, fa, sol,
la, ti, do #

No. What?
Do...

# Do, re, mi, fa, sol,
la, ti, do #

# Do, re, mi, fa, sol,
la, ti #

# Do #

Three.

Three. Three.

# Do, do #

# Do #

- # Do, re, mi #
- Terry Wogan is doing it now.

# Do, do, do #

They'll be doing
the floral dance.

# Do #

# Re, mi, fa, sol,
la, ti, do #

# Re, mi, fa,
sol, la, ti, do #

# Re, mi, fa, sol #

[straining]
# La, ti #

That's not... that's...

# Ti #
Oh, fuck.

You're terrible.

Terrible.

I beat you. I beat you.
I beat you.

I... yeah.

You all right with the...
you all right with your bags?

- All right.
- Well, thank you very much.

Thank you very much.

Really appreciate
you doing this.

- Cheers.
- All right.

- Let's have a hug.
- Okay. All right.

Ah.

Really good. Really good.

No, no, I enjoyed it a lot.

And then, yeah.

All right, you're a good bloke.

I don't care
what they say about you.

[engine turns over]

- I'll see you.
- Okeydoke.

Give me a ring, and we'll,
you know, we'll get together.

- All right, mate.
- We could... all right.

Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

[horn honks]

- Ah.
- Hello.

[laughs]

The traveler returns.

Oh.

Hello.

Mm, sorry.

I've missed you.

We both missed you.

[horns honking]

[sighs]

[melancholy piano music]

[sighs]

[sighs]

[babbling]

So how was he?

He was his usual self.

[babbling]

His usual self.

This is Mischa.

Shut up.

I'm Steve.

Mm.

This is delightful.

[as Corbett] One of the most
delightful meals,

one of the most delightful
homecomings I've ever enjoyed.

[laughs]

Oh, well, it did stick
to the bottom of the pan a bit...

- Did it?
- Yeah.

[as Grant] Yes, might have to
give you a bloody good spanking.

In fact, I was rather hoping

I might stick to the bottom
of your pan later.

[line trilling]

You've reached the office
of Matt Jacobs at WP.

Neither Matt nor his assistant
are here to answer your call.

Please leave Matt a message,

and he will get back to you
as soon as he can.

Thank you.

beep!

Hi, Matt.

This is Steve calling

just to say
I've thought it over,

and I'm not gonna do
the HBO pilot.

I'm not gonna spend
seven years in the U.S.

I've got kids.

Yeah, that's it.
Bye.

- Mm.
- Mm.

I don't like
being away from you.

No, I don't like
you being away from me.

[sighs]

Oh.
Hello, there we are.

There we go.

All present and correct.

[sighs]

I think three days
should be the maximum

that I stay away for.

Mm-hmm.

Not this long.