Original subtitles

- God. - Take a deep breath.

No, that's not Oliver Welles.

- Are you sure? - Oliver wasn't bald. Jesus Christ, what...

My god.

I didn't know he...

He had a...

We didn't socialize. How did he...

Die?

Okay.

The deceased was sleeping in the northbound lane of Trafalgar Road

and was run over by a semi-trailer

at approximately 3:24 a.m. in the morning.

He was sleeping in the road?

Doctor said your friend was intoxicated. Drunk.

- Well, he was celebrating. - Ah, good.

Died with a smile on his face.

Not a bad way to go, all things considered.

- Thanks. - So there's some paperwork to do,

and the question of what you'd like us to do with his body.

What? What do you mean?

The Mortimer brothers do wonderful work.

Yes, the Mortimer brothers. They're great!

They did my grandmother.

She was all rotted up from the cancer, but you'd never know.

- Fine. Mortimer brothers. - Good choice.

There's an office down the hall where you can do all the forms.

After you.

Fellas?

My favorite bird.

Oh, no.

Cheer up, Hamlet

Chin up, Hamlet

Buck up, you melancholy Dane

So your uncle is a cad who murdered Dad and married Mum

That's really no excuse to be as glum as you've become

So wise up, Hamlet Rise up, Hamlet

Buck up and sing the new refrain

Your incessant monologizing fills the castle with ennui

Your antic disposition is embarrassing to see

And by the way, you sulky brat, the answer is To Be

You're driving poor Ophelia insane

So shut up, you rogue and peasant

Grow up, it's most unpleasant

Cheer up, you melancholy Dane

Slings & Arrows 1x02 Geoffrey's Return

I had to identify the body.

I didn't recognize it at first.

His head was...bald!

Yeah. You've got to hold it together now.

- I'm okay. - Did he have any family?

Yeah, he had a mother. No, wait. She died a few years ago.

Good. For you. No grieving relatives to deal with.

Are you up to this, honey?

Yeah. It's just, you know, so unreal.

I guess that the board will have to meet?

No, I'll take care of the board.

No, I should, I should call them myself.

No, you've got enough on your plate.

I'll call the board, we'll convene ASAP. Where are you now?

I'm at the morgue. God, the morgue.

Don't get all weepy on me, you're going to be no use whatsoever.

Go to the theatre, get to work. I'll call you in an hour. Okay?

Yeah. Okay.

Smoking at the morgue. We're asking for trouble, eh?

Kate, skipping out for an audition is serious business. You could get fired.

I know, but it's my stupid agent!

I can't say no to him. He just yells at me.

- What's it for? - Corny Smacks.

I'm eating them right now.

They have eight essential vitamins

and are a wonderfully crunchy way to start your day.

- They have twelve essential vitamins. - Twelve?

Shit. Okay.

- They have twelve essential vitamins. - Kate?

Don't get fired 'cause of Corny Smacks, okay?

Look, I'm going to go and I'm going to do this stupid audition,

and then I'm going to come right back, okay?

I just need you to cover. Please?

- Yeah, okay. - Thank you.

- Bye. - Bye.

Twelve essential vitamins and are a wonderful way to start your day.

They have twelve essential vitamins and are a wonderful way to start your day.

- They have twelve... - A wonderfully crunchy way.

Right. Thank you.

Coat.

No, I have to cancel. No, I can't.

Because there's been a death.

Look, bleaching my teeth

is not a priority for me right now, thank you.

Ellen's on line two.

Ellen. Right.

Ellen.

- Get out! - What?

Sorry. Sweetie, you should go now. Sweetie.

We'll need to write up a memo,

to tell the staff and the actors what's going on.

What is going on?

Well, you know, that Oliver's dead

and that we're going to reschedule rehearsals.

Hi, yeah, I'm holding for the Minister.

You want me to write that Oliver's dead

- and we're rescheduling rehearsals? - Not those words.

Ease into it!

Listen, we're going to need a press release, too.

No, wait.

We should have a press conference.

Here, at the theatre. We'll need sandwiches.

Do I say that there was an accident? Do I mention the pig truck?

Anna, tell them that there was an automobile accident,

ask for everybody's patience,

and and let them know about the schedule changes.

You know, Anna, just let people know what's going on, for Christ's sake!

Anna, I can't comfort you. I'm on hold.

You need to be thinking about details right now.

People need reassurance! They need to know that someone's in control.

- Thanks. - Where are you now?

- I'm in my office. - Okay.

As soon as you hang up the phone, go into Oliver's office and find his agenda.

You need to know where the ship is heading 'cause you're the captain now.

This is a great opportunity for you, Richard.

People are wounded, they're confused.

You need to be strong, and they will follow you.

- Make your mark, okay? - I will.

- Okay. Kiss kiss. - Kiss kiss.

Hi. I'm Kate McNab, eleven o'clock. I'm really sorry...

We're running behind. Sign in and have a seat.

Okay.

Hi.

- Anna. - What?

- Could you unlock it? Please? - Why?

- Because I need to get inside. - Why?

Because I need to go through his agenda. Please.

It's on the tray.

Christ. Here we are.

You see? Jack Crew is arriving today at 11:30.

Listen, we're going to have to book him a limousine. Wait.

Should I pick him up myself?

No wait, I can't, I've got the press conference at one o'clock.

- Did you call Geoffrey? - Who?

Geoffrey Tennant? He shouldn't hear about it on the news.

Anna, listen. Could you please call him?

I mean, you know, I've got the press thing. Look, I don't know the man!

- All right. - Thanks.

Anna?

Could you excuse me? I've got work to do.

He was in the theatre, you know.

- All the world's a stage, Sal. - Is it?

And we all play our parts, don't we?

I'll remember that, Reg. You do have a way with words.

Come on. We've got that priest to do before lunch.

Is this tie appropriate?

Well, it's a bit bright, but I don't think Oliver would want everyone in black.

- No, no, I mean for the cameras. - I thought you meant...

No, it's, it's good.

- How are you holding up? - You know, it's surreal.

I mean, I can't... Yesterday...

Did you send a car for Jack Crew?

No, I thought you were going to meet him.

No, I said I should meet him. Damn it!

- Sorry, I misunderstood. - He's been waiting for an hour.

All right, send someone for now. Call his agent and see if he's called in, okay?

Damn it, I don't have time to deal with this.

Sorry.

Anna? Anna? It's okay.

It's okay. Everything's fine.

Just, just find him. Please? All right.

I'll try.

Anna? I'm here for you. I'm here for everyone.

Okay.

You can tell people that.

Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.

I regret to announce that Oliver Welles,

the artistic director of the New Burbage Festival,

was killed last night in an automobile accident.

Everyone here at the festival

is deeply, deeply saddened and shocked by this tragic loss.

All scheduled performances for tonight

are cancelled in tribute to our late Oliver.

A funeral will be held on the main stage of the festival theatre

on Monday at 8 p.m. The public is invited.

We ask for your patience and understanding at this time.

Thank you.

Was alcohol a factor in the accident?

The police have informed me that the driver of the vehicle was not inebriated.

- Are you now overseeing operation of the festival? - Yes, yes I am.

- And how do you spell your last name? - Smith-Jones.

Just the way it sounds, with a hyphen.

I know some of you gentlemen and ladies are on deadline,

but if you'd like, there are sandwiches.

You wouldn't believe the phone calls we've had this morning.

Pen Gas wants to offer us the downstairs at the factory theatre for the show.

I've had calls from York University and McMaster offering us lights and equipment,

and I had a phone call from that guy that collects pornographic art.

He says he'd like to sponsor the production.

- What are you doing? - Where are your car keys?

In the little pocket thing. Where are you going?

I need to return a book.

You're an active young woman

who loves Corny Smacks almost as much you love soccer.

State your name, read your lines.

Kate McNab, Stellar Artists, Jeff Thurber.

Any time.

They have twelve essential vitamins

and are a wonderfully crunchy way to start your day.

Jesus Christ!

- I'm sorry! - Did I say kick the ball at the camera?

I am so sorry! Do you want me to do it again?

No.

Not again.

I don't want any more. I don't...

God.

Sorry, just put them over there, or anywhere. Find a space.

- It's a lot of flowers. - Yes.

I suppose you want a tip.

- My condolences. - What?

The flowers aren't really for me.

What?

A friend died, and he didn't have any family,

so they're sending flowers to me

under the mistaken impression that we were close,

which we haven't been for ages.

It's all very embarrassing and irritating.

Basil! You should know better.

- A chameleon! - Yeah.

Her name is Cybil, she's very cute. Are we done here?

- You mean his name is Cybil. - What?

- How long have you had him? - About a year.

How do you know it's a man? A him, male.

It's a panther.

See, the stripes are brighter on the male,

and the body's thicker at the base. See?

It seems so obvious when you point it out.

You've had him for a year and you don't even know what sex he is?

It was a present from a friend. A kind of a joke.

He was trying to teach me responsibility.

Well, they are a lot of responsibility.

That's some joke your friend played, giving you an exotic animal for a pet.

Sounds like a jerk.

Well, he's dead now, so.

- Cybil's dehydrated. - What?

- Where's your bathroom? - Upstairs.

Excuse me, is this going to take long?

Excuse me.

How long before this clears up?

What am I, Kreskin?

Running late?

Yes, I'm supposed to be in a play tonight.

You're an actress.

Well, just an apprentice. It's my first year.

I've just played maids and fairies.

- Do you like it? - Yeah, it's fantastic.

I mean, it's the theatre. What do you do?

I'm a movie star.

Aren't we all?

I always thought he'd grow old and die in the arms of some Jamaican cabana boy.

But no, he got run over by a pig truck.

Oh, God.

And I'm alone, just me and my dehydrated chameleon.

He's coming around. See?

I had a panther for years, but I don't have the room anymore.

They need a lot of attention. They pay you back.

- How exactly? - By changing colors, right? It's so cool!

What's your name, young man?

- Young, young man. - Sloan.

Sloan.

You're so nice.

Would you like a Cherry Coke?

Or maybe a glass of wine?

Excuse me, but where is everybody?

No show tonight. Cancelled.

But I'm only half an hour late and I'm just third fairy!

- You haven't heard? - Heard what?

Oh, my dear.

Oliver Welles. He died last night.

What? So I'm not fired?

Did you hear what I told you about Oliver?

Yes! Oh, that's, that's terrible.

I'm so sorry. How?

He was hit by a truck. A pig truck, apparently.

Oh, my...

No, no! We were just talking last night.

So were we.

So what's going to happen to Hamlet?

Hamlet will be Hamlet:

An ineffable tragedy of the human spirit that still resonates, even today.

In the event of my untimely death

Oh, God.

Oh, God!

Now, just to allay any fears,

Richard Smith-Jones is handling all of the day-to-day affairs of the festival,

and I must add that he's doing an absolutely wonderful job.

We'd be in a pretty sorry state without him, so...

Well, on behalf of the board,

I'd like to thank you for all you've done already, Ms. Day.

Well now, I'm sure some of you have missed your supper,

so I've arranged for a little Texas-style buffet in the VIP lounge.

So please, go and help yourselves, y'all. Enjoy.

You know, I don't envy your job over the next few weeks.

In what sense, dear?

You know, there's bound to be trouble about who's going to take over the festival.

You know, I was on the board of the Carnegie museum in Pittsburgh

and we lost one of our directors. It wasn't pretty.

Well, in this country,

picking the artistic director is always a bloodbath.

You know what? My advice: Get it over with quick.

Don't give the board any time to think. Just be decisive.

- The Plain at Auvers. - I'm sorry?

That haunting Van Gogh at the Carnegie.

- Yeah, that's gorgeous. - You think so?

I've always found it quite disturbing.

He painted it four days before he shot himself.

You know, I was there for such a short time, so I don't remember.

Listen, I am just going to go check out the buffet,

and see if there are any ribs left. Can I rustle you up something?

No, thank you.

This is it, Sal.

He looks more alive than you or I.

Who'll do us when we're gone, Sal?

Who'll do us when we're gone?

Everything ready here?

Yes, it is, Miss Conroy.

Tomorrow, after the funeral, what will you do with Oliver's body?

I mean, will you cremate it right away, or...

He's scheduled for Tuesday afternoon.

Would you...

Would it be possible to... I mean, legally, it's...

Never mind, never mind.

I'm sorry, I'm just a little bit lost right now, so...

We understand.

I'm going to be sick.

I'm so ashamed. I feel like I let Oliver down.

That's because the theatre is family, and you feel like you betrayed him,

but really it's not the end of the world. You didn't get caught.

I hate my agent.

I don't wanna do commercial auditions anymore.

No more Corny Smacks!

I stopped doing commercial auditions when I was hired here.

- I felt I was beyond them. - The dialogue. It was so stupid, too.

Message.

I'm going to read a sonnet at the funeral tomorrow.

- Really? Did they ask you? - No.

But I think Oliver would have wanted me to.

And it's great exposure.

Fuck.

I got the commercial. Oh, fuck off!

What am I gonna do?

Are you kidding me? You're gonna do the commercial!

But it shoots tomorrow! I'm gonna miss the funeral!

It's a national, think about the money!

And the exposure you get there far outweighs

the exposure you're going to get sitting in the audience of a funeral.

No, no. It's not that! It's...

What, it's what, loyalty?

Kate, no offense, but you're an apprentice.

It's not like you and Oliver were best buddies.

Fuck.

I wanted to be there.

Excuse me. Am I too late?

No. Take your time.

So this is what it takes for you to drop by and say hello?

And what have we here?

That would be the proverbial hatchet, I assume.

Keep it, I've read it a thousand times.

Geoffrey, I didn't waste my life, did I?

Maybe the last few years I did, and university.

That was a waste.

Criminology, what was I thinking?

But there was a while there, I did something worthwhile.

I think I moved people, touched them.

I think we did, together.

That wasn't a waste, was it? Tell me it wasn't.

- Shut up. - Make an effort, would you?

I'm talking to you from the other side, for God's sake.

That must mean we have some kind of a connection.

Or do you hear voices all the time?

Is this a crazy thing?

- Or do we have a connection? - Shut up!

Jesus!

I'm sorry!

- Hello, Geoffrey. - Hello, May.

- I'm so glad you came. - I really don't know why I did.

Because he was your friend.

Was my friend.

Geoffrey, I want you to come to the funeral.

Would you? I want you to speak.

Oh, May. What could I possibly say?

The truth. It might be refreshing.

Please, Geoffrey. For me.

- Don't forget your book. - Just a...

Check, check, check.

One to be or not to be, that is the question.

Get off the stage.

What do you mean, he won't do it?

He says he's a...

Can we get more color on the coffin?

Bring 35 through 65 up ten.

He says he's an Anglican.

He's not allowed to perform the funeral services anywhere but in a church.

Jesus Christ! They do burials at seas, don't they?

Where are the masks I asked for?

- Trevor said they were cut. - Trevor?

He said they were tacky.

I like them.

They are not cut.

You get me those Greek tragedy-comedy masks

because they match the Greek columns.

And you tell Trevor that if he wants to diddle with the design,

he's got to go through me first, all right?

Anna, can't you just handle the minister thing?

Do we even need one? Oliver didn't believe in God.

I don't care what Oliver believed!

Look, we need religious content tonight.

Somebody tonight has got to mention God.

So I want you to go, and find me a preacher,

and bring him back here by 7:30, okay?

- Do you understand? - Yes, I understand.

Did you find Jack Crew?

- What? - Oh, God.

Anna!

What kind of gel are you using? Looks like a Halloween patch.

Jesus. Anna. Anna.

Richard. This is going to be a difficult evening.

No. Not if everyone keeps under five minutes, it'll be fine.

- I meant emotionally difficult. - Oh, God, May, I'm sorry.

- I'm so caught up with the details! - That's all right.

- We all handle grief in our own ways. - Yes.

Who's that?

Geoffrey!

- You came. - Yeah. For you.

Nahum.

There's a chameleon in the green room.

I'm so sorry! I will get it right away.

- No, no, he's mine. - His name is Cybil.

Oliver gave him to me ages ago.

I put him in the green room because he spends so much time alone in my home,

and I heard that chameleons really crave attention. Is that true?

I wouldn't know.

Oh, no, no! Of course you wouldn't. I'm sorry, I didn't mean...

Anyway. I wanted to tell you that he's in the green room,

so you wouldn't scream when you saw him. Many have.

Thank you. I appreciate the heads-up.

Okay, everyone, may I have your attention, please?

The time limit for the speeches is five minutes.

If you go over, I will flash the lights.

We have a lot of people speaking,

and if we want to bring the show in under two hours,

we're going to have to keep up the pace. Thank you.

Thanks, Maria.

Richard, my sonnet times out to three minutes.

Do you think I could possibly do two?

No, Claire, absolutely not. One sonnet only.

Anna! Finally.

Father, thank you so very much for coming, and at such short notice.

I don't know if Anna mentioned to you,

but we thought you'd like to make,

you know, a very little reference to God in the service.

Not very much, five minutes. Would that be all right?

Yes, fine. I think I can come up with something appropriate for this crowd.

Great!

Let's get this show on the road.

Crikey.

I'm glad he's dead. It would have killed him to see this.

On behalf of Oliver Welles, I would like to thank you all for coming.

He certainly would have appreciated the full house.

Oliver was more than a friend, he was a colleague.

For the last eight years I have been general manager,

and because of Oliver's commitment to making the festival more accessible,

and because of his willingness to forge stronger ties with the business community,

we've been able to raise attendance at the festival by twenty-three percent.

I make this promise: I will continue.

Ellen!

- Geoffrey. - Anna.

Okay, what do you know about the thing?

- What thing? - It's so disgusting I can't even say the words.

- The skull th... - The skull thing, yes.

I didn't think he was serious.

I made some calls. People hung up on me.

They said I was sick. Somebody threatened to call the police.

I can't handle this, Geoffrey!

I'll take care of it.

God, thank you!

Wait, you're not thinking of doing this yourself, are you?

No. Although I can't deny the thought hadn't occurred to me once or twice.

- It's good to have you back. - Thanks.

But I'm not, I'm not back. I'm just... I'm visiting.

Looks a bit like act one of Boys from Syracuse up here.

I met Oliver at the Manitoba Theatre Centre in 1978,

and I was intoxicated.

The intellect, sensitivity,

and that ability he had

to drink two bottles of beer at the same time,

without spilling.

So he looked right at the woman with the flowery hat

and, without missing a beat, he said,

"Well, if it's not my car,

I'm certainly not going to clean the upholstery."

No longer mourn for me when I am dead

Then you shall hear the surly, sullen bell

Give warning to the world that I am fled

From this word with vilest words to dwell

- She's a climber, that one. - Terrible actress.

She sets my teeth on edge.

Geoffrey Tennant?

Richard Smith-Jones, I'm the general manager. Hi.

Nice to meet you.

Oh, what a sad day. Sad, sad day.

May tells me you're going to speak.

Consensus is four to six minutes. Sad day.

You're on after second sonnet. Damn her.

Praising thy worth, despite his cruel hand

Good. Good. Okay. Yeah.

Hi. My name is Geoffrey Tennant,

and I've been asked to come and help celebrate the life

celebrate the life and mourn the death of Oliver Welles.

I've dug out a copy of a play Oliver had directed me in at one time,

and I realized I had written a bunch of notes from rehearsal,

and I thought I'd maybe share some of them with you.

Here's one.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

The scene will be fine as soon as we can all

get the knitting needles out of our pubic hair.

Here's another one.

The theatre is an empty box,

and it is our task to fill it with fury and ecstasy.

With revolution.

You know, for a time, for a time,

there was a kind of electricity in this place

I've not experienced anywhere else.

Because Oliver made us believe that what we did had meaning.

He made us believe that love could be rekindled,

that regimes could be toppled

by the simple act of telling a story truthfully.

Ridiculous ambition, really.

But it was a beautiful idea.

Well, that's all gone to shit now.

I mean, we all know what really matters

is that the cash registers keep ringing

and the tourists keep streaming through the gift shop,

and when I look around at the wreck that this theatre has become under Oliver's reign,

I'm reminded of those words from MacBeth.

If thou couldst, doctor, cast the water of my land,

find her disease and purge it to a sound and pristine health,

I would applaud thee to the very echo!

I've been asked to say a few comforting words today about God.

Well, comfort is something

that God reserves for those who are obedient to His will.

A great preacher once said,

"Satan hath not a more speedy way, nor a fitter school,

to bring men and women into the snare

of concupiscence and filthy lust of wicked whoredom,

than those places of plays and theatre."

Anna, who is this man?

An ordained minister. He was the only one available.

Men seek pleasure in the company of other men

and women in the company of other women.

They come together in their shame

- to practice unnatural - Get him off. Flash the lights.

and unwholesome acts of depravity.

Get him off. Flash the lights.

Flash the lights!

I don't hate homosexuals,

but I do hate what they do.

Why? Because the Bible says

if a man lie also with mankind as he lieth with a woman,

they shall surely be put to death.

Their blood shall be upon them!

Homosexuality is disobedient to God's will

because it runs counter to the divine command to procreate!

And God blessed Noah and his sons...

Ladies and gentlemen, there appears to be a small fire in the building.

Please exit in an orderly manner. Thank you for your cooperation.

Good morning, everyone.

I am keenly aware of the interest that all members of this board have

in the question of selecting a new artistic director.

So today, I will need someone to move

that we appoint an interim artistic director immediately.

I move the motion.

Thank you, Holly, but not yet.

Yesterday, I was prepared to suggest

that there was only one person who could fill this role.

Our general manager, Richard Smith-Jones.

However, after the extraordinary events of last night,

I have to say I've come to a different conclusion.

Who the hell is Geoffrey Tennant?

Of course we know you, Mr. Tennant.

- We saw your Marc Anthony. - And your Prince Hal.

Well, that was a long time ago.

- We missed your Hamlet. - Now that was very short.

How can we help you?

Well, I wonder if you could do me the favor

of removing Oliver's head from his body

and setting the head aside, prior to cremation.

Saving the head.

Okay, let me explain that I'm not crazy.

With all due respect, we have heard otherwise.

That was a temporary condition,

and I assure you, I don't want to do anything weird with the head.

As a matter of fact, it was Oliver himself

who requested that his flesh be removed,

and that his skull be used in all future productions of Hamlet.

So, you see, it's not weird,

and in fact it is notarized.

We've never removed a head before.

We've sewn them back on.

Well, I imagine it's the same thing, but in reverse.

And there are legal implications.

You see, I would have thought that the ethical implications

of not respecting a man's last wish would outweigh the legal implications.

Furthermore, I believe that the state has no place in the nation's bedrooms

and, by extension, their graves.

We can remove the head, but we can't do the rendering.

- We're not equipped. - I see.

And where do you suppose a fellow would go for such a service?

A taxidermist?

I would begin with the less reputable firms.

Thank you. Let's do this thing.

What was it that minister called the theatre?

The snare of concupiscence

and the filthy lust of wicked whoredom.

Silly bugger.

Really?

Yeah, we spent the entire day on the soccer field, choking down Corny Smacks.

It was cold, and we just kept doing it over and over and over.

It was awful!

Well, the funeral was great. You should have been there.

- Really? - Yeah.

My sonnets rocked.

Look who just walked in. This should be good.

So the Playstation II has more titles, right?

So do I go for better graphics, or more games?

That's my problem.

Can you go get me some cigarettes, Sloan, darling?

- Sure. Menthol, right? - That's right, darling.

You have a son. Not mine, I hope.

Fuck off.

I was planning on doing just that,

but it would seem that fate has intervened.

I have been offered a job.

Let me guess, someone's hired you to slag at the dead.

- You're very good at that. - No.

They've asked me to be artistic director.

What?

Well, interim artistic director while they search for a real one,

but you know how long that process could take,

you know, weeks, months, years?

You can't come back. You're insane.

Apparently, that doesn't matter in the theatre.

Geoffrey, this is my home. I don't want you in my home.

Frankly, Ellen, your home could use a little cleaning.

And anyway, don't you think this is what Oliver would have wanted?

You and I, thrust together by his tragic death?

Or maybe you don't agree. Why don't we ask him?

Is this what you wanted, you sly old devil?

That's right, Geoffrey!

You didn't...

I promised him that I would look after his head,

and unlike some people, I keep my word.

Oh, my God!

- Oh, my God, it's Jack. - Oh, my God!

Hey, Jack!

- You know him? - Yeah.

Yeah, he was, he was on the bus with me.

Kate, that's Jack Crew.

That's Jack Crew?

I'm sure you find this whole situation very amusing,

but let me tell you something, Geoffrey.

We start rehearsals for Hamlet in six days.

Yes. That's your Hamlet now,

and there's your star, right there.

I hear he's very good with the martial arts,

but a little shaky on the acting.

Fate is a funny thing, isn't it?

And thus the whirligig of time brings in his revenges.

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