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1
00:00:00,428 --> 00:00:03,907
Mom, can I borrow
your credit card?
2
00:00:03,908 --> 00:00:04,958
Oh, here we go.
3
00:00:04,959 --> 00:00:07,380
How many of these, uh Fortnite
foreskins you need, dude?
4
00:00:07,381 --> 00:00:09,071
No, I wanna buy
hockey equipment.
5
00:00:09,085 --> 00:00:10,922
Wait, like... Actual hockey?
6
00:00:11,223 --> 00:00:13,927
You want to play the
actual sport, hockey?
7
00:00:14,094 --> 00:00:16,465
Yeah. My buddy Jake plays on
a U-15 team.
8
00:00:16,466 --> 00:00:18,102
I was thinking about
trying out.
9
00:00:18,103 --> 00:00:20,074
Hoho! Yo, here.
Go nuts, dude.
10
00:00:20,141 --> 00:00:22,177
Really?
Thanks, Mark.
11
00:00:23,112 --> 00:00:25,451
Yooo! He's playing a sports, yo!
12
00:00:25,452 --> 00:00:26,452
A team sport.
13
00:00:26,453 --> 00:00:28,222
- This is amazing.
- Oh, my God.
14
00:00:28,223 --> 00:00:30,126
I've always wanted to be
a sports dad.
15
00:00:30,127 --> 00:00:33,199
This is, uh...
This is incredible, Tam.
16
00:00:33,901 --> 00:00:35,136
Yo, what the hell?
17
00:00:35,571 --> 00:00:37,140
Kid, just spent $1,500!
18
00:00:38,544 --> 00:00:41,382
? Well, I used to work
in hot dog factory ?
19
00:00:41,416 --> 00:00:43,252
? until them
robots came along, ?
20
00:00:43,353 --> 00:00:45,357
? and now there is no
job for me, ?
21
00:00:45,390 --> 00:00:47,596
? but I get three thousand
bucks a month. ?
22
00:00:47,696 --> 00:00:51,970
? Thanks to UBI. ?
23
00:00:52,004 --> 00:00:55,377
? Now we're Universal
Basic Guys. ?
24
00:00:55,410 --> 00:01:00,522
? It may not sound like much,
but we're still gonna try. ?
25
00:01:00,555 --> 00:01:04,729
? We're just Universal
Basic Guys. ?
26
00:01:07,475 --> 00:01:10,406
Alright, Dar,
so the key here is
27
00:01:10,407 --> 00:01:13,378
you pull the jersey up over the
head so they look like an idiot,
28
00:01:13,379 --> 00:01:14,682
and then you-
pop- pop- pop-
29
00:01:14,683 --> 00:01:16,285
you hit them with the
uppercuts. You got it?
30
00:01:16,286 --> 00:01:18,336
Uh... shouldn't I learn how
to skate first?
31
00:01:18,423 --> 00:01:19,993
No no, one step at a time,
okay?
32
00:01:19,994 --> 00:01:21,529
Gotta start with
the fundamentals.
33
00:01:21,530 --> 00:01:23,967
Okay, so you grab 'em with the
collar with your non-
34
00:01:23,968 --> 00:01:25,658
- dominate hand,
Right, yep. Okay.
35
00:01:25,659 --> 00:01:27,941
You're going to reach over,
okay, grip the shirt from
36
00:01:27,942 --> 00:01:29,812
behind the shoulder pad,
and just gang the jersey up.
37
00:01:29,813 --> 00:01:32,103
Yeah... Okay nice, dude,
Now shove his head down.
38
00:01:32,151 --> 00:01:34,322
There we go. No no no.
Back up, back- y- ah-
39
00:01:34,355 --> 00:01:36,927
Pull your arm out.
No, no, no, not you, Hank.
40
00:01:36,928 --> 00:01:39,097
Stay- alright. C- Come here.
How do you even-
41
00:01:39,098 --> 00:01:41,938
Ohp, I think- uh, hey Dar-Oh..
- Uh, aw man... Ugh. Agh. Oh.
42
00:01:42,038 --> 00:01:44,375
Alright, relax.
- Uh, Mark...?
43
00:01:44,776 --> 00:01:45,826
Oh, hey hon.
44
00:01:46,012 --> 00:01:50,053
I'm just nervous about Darren.
What if he's not very good?
45
00:01:50,054 --> 00:01:51,589
They're kids.
None of 'em are good.
46
00:01:51,590 --> 00:01:52,640
I know.
47
00:01:52,641 --> 00:01:55,163
It's just I get real protective
and my momma bear comes out.
48
00:01:55,164 --> 00:01:56,633
When he played pee wee soccer,
49
00:01:56,634 --> 00:01:59,706
I got banned from the sidelines
and the team Facebook group.
50
00:01:59,806 --> 00:02:00,856
Alright, relax Tam.
51
00:02:00,857 --> 00:02:03,714
You can't protect him forever.
Besides, with Coach Hoagies
52
00:02:03,715 --> 00:02:06,520
in his corner, there's
nothing to worry about.
53
00:02:06,553 --> 00:02:07,603
Ooh!
54
00:02:07,722 --> 00:02:09,792
Yo, alright, Dar.
Shake it off, bud.
55
00:02:09,793 --> 00:02:10,594
Shake it off.
56
00:02:10,595 --> 00:02:12,364
He's getting destroyed
out there.
57
00:02:12,365 --> 00:02:14,468
Nah, nobody's great
on day one, Tam, okay?
58
00:02:14,469 --> 00:02:16,238
He's just raw and that's
totally fine, okay.
59
00:02:16,239 --> 00:02:17,799
They're looking for potential.
60
00:02:18,711 --> 00:02:21,416
Yo there we go, Dar!
Attack the net, bud!
61
00:02:22,318 --> 00:02:25,190
Hey, get that kid off the ice
before he hurts someone!
62
00:02:25,223 --> 00:02:27,094
You're doing great, Darren!
63
00:02:27,095 --> 00:02:28,863
You talk about my kid
like that again.
64
00:02:28,864 --> 00:02:31,334
I'm gonna rip your ear off like
I'm taking a number at the deli.
65
00:02:31,335 --> 00:02:32,470
Yo relax, will ya? You're
gonna get
66
00:02:32,471 --> 00:02:34,341
thrown outta here.
- Oh, sorry.
67
00:02:34,342 --> 00:02:35,978
I'm like a werewolf
or something.
68
00:02:35,979 --> 00:02:37,280
I can't control it.
69
00:02:38,985 --> 00:02:41,523
Aw, c'mon Ref!
That's a dirty hit!
70
00:02:41,857 --> 00:02:43,994
Oh, it's over.
It's rigged.
71
00:02:43,995 --> 00:02:45,830
There's no way he's
making this team.
72
00:02:45,831 --> 00:02:47,000
He's gonna to be devastated.
73
00:02:47,001 --> 00:02:48,369
Nah nah nah,
we're good, ok.
74
00:02:48,370 --> 00:02:50,900
These days every kid
gets a participation trophy.
75
00:02:50,908 --> 00:02:52,478
I bet they don't
even have cuts.
76
00:02:53,848 --> 00:02:56,486
Aw man,
sorry, bro.
77
00:02:56,520 --> 00:02:58,122
There's my little Lindros!
78
00:02:58,222 --> 00:03:00,961
D-Money dude,
killin' it out there, bud!
79
00:03:01,028 --> 00:03:02,078
I got cut.
80
00:03:02,130 --> 00:03:03,801
The hell?!
After one day?
81
00:03:03,834 --> 00:03:05,505
Whatever.
I suck.
82
00:03:05,605 --> 00:03:07,542
Well, it was fun
while it lasted.
83
00:03:07,543 --> 00:03:09,477
Alright, woah woah woah,
hang on, Tam, okay.
84
00:03:09,478 --> 00:03:11,649
Let me go talk to the coach,
I'm gonna to handle it.
85
00:03:11,650 --> 00:03:13,252
You see that drop
in stride speed?
86
00:03:13,253 --> 00:03:15,122
Have you been doing your
VO2 Max training?
87
00:03:15,123 --> 00:03:17,394
Well, no.
I have homework and stuff.
88
00:03:17,562 --> 00:03:20,601
Hey, you got the rest of your
life to learn how to read.
89
00:03:20,735 --> 00:03:22,003
Priorities, bud.
90
00:03:22,437 --> 00:03:23,517
Alright, dinner time.
91
00:03:23,518 --> 00:03:24,976
There's a Pro-Form
amino-fuel shake
92
00:03:24,977 --> 00:03:26,245
and 15 almonds
in the mini fridge.
93
00:03:26,246 --> 00:03:27,649
You help yourself.
94
00:03:27,650 --> 00:03:28,983
How you doing, Coach?
95
00:03:28,984 --> 00:03:31,121
Tight ship you're running, bud.
'Preciate it.
96
00:03:31,122 --> 00:03:32,172
How could I help you?
97
00:03:32,191 --> 00:03:35,195
Listen, so I feel like you
might accidentally cut
98
00:03:35,196 --> 00:03:36,131
my step-son,
Darren.
99
00:03:36,132 --> 00:03:37,568
Oh, you mean the kid
who couldn't skate?
100
00:03:37,569 --> 00:03:38,804
C'mon, I'm telling you, dude,
101
00:03:38,805 --> 00:03:40,640
the kid's raw,
but he's got a high ceiling.
102
00:03:40,641 --> 00:03:43,045
With a little training, I think
he could be the next Gretzky.
103
00:03:43,046 --> 00:03:44,096
You see this?
104
00:03:44,097 --> 00:03:46,185
This is how we evaluate
players. Advanced analytics.
105
00:03:46,186 --> 00:03:47,220
Oh, here we go.
106
00:03:47,221 --> 00:03:49,391
This chart combines Corsi
and Fenwick metrics
107
00:03:49,392 --> 00:03:51,194
to give a comprehensive
impact score.
108
00:03:51,195 --> 00:03:53,299
This is the team.
And this is your son.
109
00:03:53,300 --> 00:03:54,869
Yeah, that's some B.S.
right there, okay.
110
00:03:54,870 --> 00:03:57,273
Where does your fancy
spreadsheet show potential?
111
00:03:57,274 --> 00:03:59,310
Okay, I don't see dog
mentality on there.
112
00:03:59,311 --> 00:04:01,281
You know why?
Cause you can't measure heart.
113
00:04:01,282 --> 00:04:04,155
Actually, we can.
This is his D.O.G. score,
114
00:04:04,188 --> 00:04:06,492
which measures perseverance
and fortitude.
115
00:04:06,594 --> 00:04:09,800
And as you can see, Darren here
has remarkably little heart.
116
00:04:09,900 --> 00:04:10,980
Alright c'mon, dude,
117
00:04:10,981 --> 00:04:13,205
I thought youth sports was
all about chasing dreams,
118
00:04:13,206 --> 00:04:14,256
not crushing 'em.
119
00:04:14,257 --> 00:04:16,579
Well, maybe your son should
re-assess his ambitions.
120
00:04:16,580 --> 00:04:18,883
Naw, I'm talking about me, okay.
These are my dreams, okay.
121
00:04:18,884 --> 00:04:21,188
I wanna be a sports dad.
This could be my only shot.
122
00:04:21,189 --> 00:04:23,726
Can't you just like, stash
him on a bench or something?
123
00:04:23,727 --> 00:04:26,198
Okay, this isn't a
charity organization.
124
00:04:26,199 --> 00:04:28,569
We're competing for
District Championships.
125
00:04:28,570 --> 00:04:31,442
And the last thing I need
is some goofball kid
126
00:04:31,576 --> 00:04:34,950
and his goofball dad
slowing us down.
127
00:04:35,350 --> 00:04:37,989
Alright. Let me tell you,
you're gonna regret
128
00:04:38,089 --> 00:04:39,192
this decision, pal.
129
00:04:39,193 --> 00:04:40,894
One day, that goofball
kid is gonna
130
00:04:40,895 --> 00:04:43,485
be skating circles around
your players, alright?
131
00:04:43,486 --> 00:04:46,204
And the day that happens, I'd
be happy to re-evaluate him.
132
00:04:46,205 --> 00:04:47,908
Pfft, ridiculous.
Frickin' idiot.
133
00:04:47,909 --> 00:04:50,013
Stupid hockey club,
stupid Gladiators.
134
00:04:50,213 --> 00:04:53,085
Gladiators wasn't even a
good movie. It was overrated.
135
00:04:54,188 --> 00:04:56,292
- How you doin' there, bud?
- Fine.
136
00:04:56,425 --> 00:04:57,805
Feeling a little sad, yeah?
137
00:04:57,806 --> 00:04:59,531
Sulkin' a little
bit? Cuz, y'know,
138
00:04:59,532 --> 00:05:01,604
- you didn't make the team.
- Uh... yeah.
139
00:05:01,637 --> 00:05:04,743
Well, I talked to the
coach and guess what...
140
00:05:04,910 --> 00:05:07,113
No way. I-is he gonna
let me on the team?
141
00:05:07,213 --> 00:05:08,785
Oh uh, no no no,
definitely not.
142
00:05:08,786 --> 00:05:10,620
Kept saying how you had
like the worst stats
143
00:05:10,621 --> 00:05:12,624
he's ever seen him and
really mean stuff.
144
00:05:12,625 --> 00:05:14,595
Honestly, you would've cried
if you heard him.
145
00:05:14,596 --> 00:05:15,931
Why are you telling me this?
146
00:05:15,932 --> 00:05:18,503
To motivate you, Dar!
To light that fire in you!
147
00:05:18,637 --> 00:05:20,908
I don't understand.
I just feel worse.
148
00:05:20,941 --> 00:05:22,931
Nah, dude!
That coach is a numbers geek.
149
00:05:22,932 --> 00:05:24,848
He doesn't know what
hockey's really about.
150
00:05:24,849 --> 00:05:27,989
We're gonna show him he's
made a huge mistake.
151
00:05:28,023 --> 00:05:30,126
Okay, how are we gonna do that?
152
00:05:30,260 --> 00:05:31,863
By beating him.
153
00:05:33,032 --> 00:05:35,069
Welcome to The Goofballs, dude.
154
00:05:38,310 --> 00:05:40,600
Okay, Hank. I've been
doing a ton of research,
155
00:05:40,648 --> 00:05:42,518
and I think I found
a perfect plan to
156
00:05:42,519 --> 00:05:44,789
make that jerk coach look
like an idiot.
157
00:05:44,923 --> 00:05:48,196
Wait, I thought we were doing
this for Darren's confidence?
158
00:05:48,197 --> 00:05:49,464
Yeah, I mean that too, yeah.
159
00:05:49,465 --> 00:05:52,437
So all these movies get at
the same fundamental truth:
160
00:05:52,539 --> 00:05:55,010
What really matters in
hockey is heart.
161
00:05:55,011 --> 00:05:56,177
The Gladiators, they might have
162
00:05:56,178 --> 00:05:58,984
their fancy "metrics"
and their "skills",
163
00:05:58,985 --> 00:06:01,421
but you can't motivate
kids with spreadsheets.
164
00:06:01,422 --> 00:06:03,560
Our team, we're gonna
to want it more.
165
00:06:03,727 --> 00:06:06,099
Our team is gonna to have
that dog in them.
166
00:06:06,199 --> 00:06:09,305
So we're looking for kids
with dogs... In them?
167
00:06:09,306 --> 00:06:11,475
We're looking for
untapped potential:
168
00:06:11,476 --> 00:06:13,813
the underdogs who don't believe
in themselves yet.
169
00:06:13,814 --> 00:06:15,917
I'm talking about the fat kid
who can't move,
170
00:06:15,918 --> 00:06:19,324
but fills up an entire net
or the uh, figure skater girl
171
00:06:19,325 --> 00:06:21,329
who can double axle
over a defender.
172
00:06:21,462 --> 00:06:24,200
Ooh, or like a uh, big
Connor McDavid - type
173
00:06:24,201 --> 00:06:25,571
who's really good at
scoring goals.
174
00:06:25,572 --> 00:06:27,340
Nah nah Hank, the
Connor McDavids are-
175
00:06:27,341 --> 00:06:28,476
they're on the Gladiators, okay.
176
00:06:28,477 --> 00:06:30,212
We're shopping in a
bargain bin here.
177
00:06:30,213 --> 00:06:31,248
We're playing Moneyball.
178
00:06:31,249 --> 00:06:33,218
Isn't that like, all about
analytics and stuff?
179
00:06:33,219 --> 00:06:34,286
No no okay, not that part, okay.
180
00:06:34,287 --> 00:06:37,260
We're playing Moneyball,
but without the analytics.
181
00:06:37,327 --> 00:06:38,377
Oh. Okay.
182
00:06:38,731 --> 00:06:41,621
Alright Hank, you ready to
hunt down some 14-year-olds!
183
00:06:45,177 --> 00:06:50,821
[dramatic montage music]
184
00:07:23,764 --> 00:07:26,024
Alright listen up, okay,
185
00:07:26,025 --> 00:07:27,796
each one of you is
here for a reason.
186
00:07:27,829 --> 00:07:29,799
Because each one of
you represents a
187
00:07:29,899 --> 00:07:32,271
classic archetype of an
underdog kid
188
00:07:32,272 --> 00:07:34,274
that I've seen work in movies,
okay?
189
00:07:34,275 --> 00:07:35,911
Which one am I?
- Uh...
190
00:07:36,312 --> 00:07:39,520
You're the uh... you're the
goalie. Let's leave it at that.
191
00:07:39,686 --> 00:07:42,291
Now, you may all look like
a bunch of weirdos,
192
00:07:42,424 --> 00:07:44,997
but together we share
a common purpose:
193
00:07:45,297 --> 00:07:47,601
to beat the
stinking Gladiators.
194
00:07:48,169 --> 00:07:49,369
Who are the Gladiators?
195
00:07:49,438 --> 00:07:53,581
They're the bad guys, like uh,
Ivan Drago or Shooter McGavin.
196
00:07:54,683 --> 00:07:57,555
Like uh... I dunno what do
you guys watch? Uh, Trolls?
197
00:07:57,655 --> 00:07:59,625
They're like the uh,
the Bergens.
198
00:08:00,027 --> 00:08:01,077
Ohh.
199
00:08:01,129 --> 00:08:04,670
Alright, let's play some
hockey. Darren, let's go.
200
00:08:04,736 --> 00:08:06,305
Oh hey, what's up Dar!
201
00:08:06,405 --> 00:08:07,675
Oh hey, J.D.
202
00:08:08,075 --> 00:08:12,083
Argh! The hooves don't fit
in the skates.
203
00:08:19,599 --> 00:08:21,302
Arrrgh!!! Damn,
Ooh!
204
00:08:21,435 --> 00:08:22,638
Ah, sorry...
205
00:08:23,340 --> 00:08:24,390
Mark, they're awful.
206
00:08:24,509 --> 00:08:27,279
The Gladiators are gonna mop
the floor with these kids.
207
00:08:27,280 --> 00:08:28,683
Tammy, trust the process, ok.
208
00:08:28,684 --> 00:08:30,554
They just need a little
confidence-building game.
209
00:08:30,555 --> 00:08:32,223
Who the hell are these
kids gonna beat?
210
00:08:32,224 --> 00:08:33,627
A buncha blind kids?
211
00:08:34,461 --> 00:08:35,631
Hm...
212
00:08:38,336 --> 00:08:40,006
Oh Mark. No you didn't.
213
00:08:40,107 --> 00:08:42,044
Let's go, Bats!
You don't need eyes
214
00:08:42,077 --> 00:08:43,747
to beat these guys!
215
00:08:44,550 --> 00:08:46,285
Let's go, Goofballs!
216
00:08:46,318 --> 00:08:48,691
Hit him so hard
they hear stars!
217
00:08:48,692 --> 00:08:50,860
Alright Goofballs, let's go,
you got this!
218
00:08:50,861 --> 00:08:52,611
I wanna see that hustle,
alright!
219
00:08:52,632 --> 00:08:54,434
Play smart, communicate...
220
00:08:54,869 --> 00:08:56,639
Maybe use hand signals.
221
00:08:57,942 --> 00:09:00,445
Why's the uh, puck
so big and jingly?
222
00:09:00,446 --> 00:09:02,182
I guess so they can
hear it or something?
223
00:09:02,183 --> 00:09:03,787
I dunno. It's complete B.S.
224
00:09:03,856 --> 00:09:07,560
Alright, that's okay,
that's okay!
225
00:09:07,561 --> 00:09:08,596
Alright, c'mon, guys!
226
00:09:08,597 --> 00:09:10,333
C'mon. Let me
see that dog in you!
227
00:09:10,601 --> 00:09:12,270
C'mon, J.D.
Bring out that devil!
228
00:09:12,337 --> 00:09:15,711
Dah! Alright, alright, you
got this Golf Kid, okay.
229
00:09:15,811 --> 00:09:17,882
Hit him with the slapshot-
Ugh, God, ugh.
230
00:09:17,982 --> 00:09:20,988
That's alright!
Yo c'mon guys! Get at it!
231
00:09:21,021 --> 00:09:22,892
Challenge him!
Challenge him!
232
00:09:23,994 --> 00:09:26,365
Yo, let's go Chet! C'mon,
all you got to do
233
00:09:26,366 --> 00:09:28,034
is put your body in front
of the net.
234
00:09:28,035 --> 00:09:30,072
Okay, just fall on
the ground.
235
00:09:31,042 --> 00:09:32,177
Oh my God.
236
00:09:35,483 --> 00:09:38,991
Boo! Come on, Ref!
What do you, bli- Ah...
237
00:09:39,024 --> 00:09:43,466
Blatantly incompetent?
The frickin' dog scored that!
238
00:09:43,534 --> 00:09:46,484
Ay, there's no rule that says
a dog can't play blind hockey.
239
00:09:46,506 --> 00:09:48,677
Dammit, ah.
I'm getting out-troped.
240
00:09:50,914 --> 00:09:52,519
That was actually pretty fun.
241
00:09:52,585 --> 00:09:54,523
I'm happy for them.
They overcame a lot.
242
00:09:54,524 --> 00:09:55,957
Yeah, that was some BS, okay.
243
00:09:55,958 --> 00:09:58,196
Some of those kids had
at least 10% vision.
244
00:09:58,296 --> 00:10:00,886
Hey, nice'a ya to make a
little rec team for your kid.
245
00:10:00,887 --> 00:10:02,905
Oh yeah? The hell's
that supposed to mean?
246
00:10:02,906 --> 00:10:04,942
Uh... I just meant it's
good to build
247
00:10:04,943 --> 00:10:06,914
his skills on a
non-competitive team.
248
00:10:06,915 --> 00:10:08,950
Oh, we're actually
highly competitive.
249
00:10:08,951 --> 00:10:10,654
Okay. Well I just watch ya lose
250
00:10:10,688 --> 00:10:12,792
6-nothing to a
team full of blind kids.
251
00:10:12,793 --> 00:10:14,661
Oh please, okay?
We weren't even trying.
252
00:10:14,662 --> 00:10:17,567
Here's an idea: How about
the uh, Gladiators and
253
00:10:17,568 --> 00:10:19,337
the Goofballs have a
little scrimmage,
254
00:10:19,338 --> 00:10:21,675
then you can find out just
how competitive we are?
255
00:10:21,676 --> 00:10:23,411
Okay bud. Don't
you think you've
256
00:10:23,412 --> 00:10:24,715
demoralized these kids enough?
257
00:10:24,716 --> 00:10:26,084
Uh, actually,
those kids are having
258
00:10:26,085 --> 00:10:28,422
a lot of fun. Unlike
your kids, who're eating
259
00:10:28,423 --> 00:10:30,092
frickin' creatine bricks
for dinner.
260
00:10:30,093 --> 00:10:32,297
You know,
now that I think about it,
261
00:10:32,298 --> 00:10:33,933
maybe we could use a scrimmage.
262
00:10:33,934 --> 00:10:37,407
We just got some new equipment
that needs uh... breaking in.
263
00:10:37,508 --> 00:10:38,558
Oh, is that so?
264
00:10:38,644 --> 00:10:40,782
Well we're gonna
break you in, pal.
265
00:10:40,783 --> 00:10:42,183
Give me 2 weeks,
then we'll find
266
00:10:42,184 --> 00:10:44,288
out who's the best
team in Glantontown.
267
00:10:44,388 --> 00:10:45,438
Game on.
268
00:10:45,524 --> 00:10:47,862
Yeah, game on, dude.
269
00:10:48,396 --> 00:10:49,896
God, Hank. What was I thinking?
270
00:10:49,897 --> 00:10:51,668
I got caught up in the
moment, now we're gonna
271
00:10:51,669 --> 00:10:53,238
get our frickin' asses
handed to us. Ugh.
272
00:10:53,239 --> 00:10:55,308
We're gonna need like, a
ringer or something. Just don't
273
00:10:55,309 --> 00:10:57,514
know how to pull a frickin'
Ovechkin outta thin air.
274
00:10:57,515 --> 00:11:00,687
Actually, uh, might be able
to get you some Ovechkins.
275
00:11:00,970 --> 00:11:05,496
So it's sort of a pipeline
of uh, Russian boys
276
00:11:05,497 --> 00:11:09,237
- who need to be... Relocated.
- They refugees or something?
277
00:11:09,238 --> 00:11:12,142
Let's just say they were in
a militia group that, uh,
278
00:11:12,143 --> 00:11:15,349
fell out of favor, and uh, they
need to lay low for a bit.
279
00:11:15,449 --> 00:11:17,859
Think of it as the
Witness Protection Program,
280
00:11:17,860 --> 00:11:19,525
but instead of witnessing
a crime,
281
00:11:19,526 --> 00:11:20,994
they may have committed
a few of 'em.
282
00:11:20,995 --> 00:11:22,532
They can, uh play hockey?
283
00:11:22,533 --> 00:11:23,999
Of course they can.
They're Russian.
284
00:11:24,000 --> 00:11:26,050
Yo uh, Dimitri,
these kids play hockey?
285
00:11:26,138 --> 00:11:29,210
[Russian] Da. Show them
your hockey skill.
286
00:11:33,253 --> 00:11:35,558
Damn yo, that kid's like
the Randy Johnson
287
00:11:35,624 --> 00:11:36,727
of hockey right there.
288
00:11:36,793 --> 00:11:38,195
Alright, I'll take 'em.
289
00:11:38,797 --> 00:11:40,534
Don't we have enough players?
290
00:11:40,535 --> 00:11:41,735
These kids, you're
pretty sketch.
291
00:11:41,736 --> 00:11:43,939
Aw c'mon, Dar, They're misfits
just like you guys.
292
00:11:43,940 --> 00:11:45,744
I'm sure they'll
fold right into the group.
293
00:11:45,745 --> 00:11:47,848
Uh... they seem like a
bunch of derelicts.
294
00:11:47,948 --> 00:11:50,253
How about uh, they can help
us win? No better
295
00:11:50,287 --> 00:11:52,217
confidence booster than that,
okay?
296
00:11:52,457 --> 00:11:55,130
I guess we can be hockey
parents to a few more kids...
297
00:11:55,131 --> 00:11:57,199
Exactly, okay, it's
like The Blindside,
298
00:11:57,200 --> 00:11:59,839
except with hockey...
And rated R.
299
00:12:00,508 --> 00:12:02,010
Pfft. Nice Garbasaur!
300
00:12:02,043 --> 00:12:04,516
Have fun only being able
to splash and teleport.
301
00:12:04,616 --> 00:12:06,753
Except for my... Energy cloak.
302
00:12:06,886 --> 00:12:08,055
Ohhh! C'mon!
303
00:12:08,056 --> 00:12:10,159
How many energy cloaks are
in the deck!?
304
00:12:10,160 --> 00:12:12,497
Okay good news,
got some new members.
305
00:12:17,976 --> 00:12:19,546
Oh no. Uh, you got asthma?
306
00:12:19,579 --> 00:12:24,120
Is Russian hockey medicine...
For goals and triumph.
307
00:12:24,154 --> 00:12:26,391
Yo comrade, can I get a
little bit of that?
308
00:12:28,798 --> 00:12:30,399
You feel strong, eh?
309
00:12:30,901 --> 00:12:34,207
The fires of hell
burn inside me!
310
00:12:34,340 --> 00:12:37,514
Alright, G-Balls. Let's hit
the ice. Scrimmage time.
311
00:12:48,603 --> 00:12:52,143
Shake it off, Juggalo Kid!
No shame in losing a tooth.
312
00:12:53,212 --> 00:12:56,819
Ahh, I will consume
your flesh!
313
00:13:07,173 --> 00:13:09,612
Whoa. Those container kids
are pretty good.
314
00:13:09,713 --> 00:13:13,186
Hell, yeah. Forget dogs, they
got frickin' bears in them.
315
00:13:13,787 --> 00:13:15,590
Great practice today, guys.
316
00:13:15,591 --> 00:13:17,594
Let's give ourselves a
round of applause
317
00:13:17,595 --> 00:13:18,645
Great job everybody.
318
00:13:18,764 --> 00:13:21,936
So now comes the part of the
job that every coach hates
319
00:13:21,937 --> 00:13:23,673
We're gonna be
making some cuts, okay?
320
00:13:23,674 --> 00:13:25,108
I thought the whole point of the
321
00:13:25,109 --> 00:13:26,712
Goofballs was that
we don't have cuts.
322
00:13:26,713 --> 00:13:28,348
Alright, I hear you Dar
but things change
323
00:13:28,349 --> 00:13:29,985
and right now we're
in a little bit of a
324
00:13:29,986 --> 00:13:32,992
"must win" situation, so.
Okay, if you hear your name
325
00:13:33,025 --> 00:13:34,996
you made a roster:
Darren Hoagies.
326
00:13:35,029 --> 00:13:36,431
Congratulations, bud.
327
00:13:36,465 --> 00:13:39,437
Uh, Igor Zhdanov.
328
00:13:39,539 --> 00:13:41,876
Vladislov Krusche-
329
00:13:41,909 --> 00:13:43,312
Khrushchev?
330
00:13:43,445 --> 00:13:47,220
Ziv- Z- Ziv-
331
00:13:47,221 --> 00:13:49,858
Alright basically, if your
name has at least four
332
00:13:49,859 --> 00:13:51,762
consonants in a row you're
on a team, alright.
333
00:13:51,763 --> 00:13:54,200
Also Fat Goa-
Also Chet.
334
00:13:54,201 --> 00:13:56,705
Alright everyone else,
just remember,
335
00:13:56,706 --> 00:13:58,342
this is not the end
of the road,
336
00:13:58,476 --> 00:13:59,612
It's just a, uh...
337
00:13:59,946 --> 00:14:02,484
U-turn back to whatever
you were doing before.
338
00:14:02,719 --> 00:14:04,922
Aw, I was just starting
to like this.
339
00:14:06,158 --> 00:14:08,395
What the hell, Mark?
Those are my friends!
340
00:14:08,396 --> 00:14:09,564
We were- we were having fun.
341
00:14:09,565 --> 00:14:11,869
Trust me, Dar. You're
gonna have a lot more fun
342
00:14:11,870 --> 00:14:13,906
kicking ass with your
new Russian friends.
343
00:14:13,907 --> 00:14:15,047
I don't think I am, Mark.
344
00:14:15,076 --> 00:14:17,846
They're scary and there's a
massive language barrier.
345
00:14:17,847 --> 00:14:19,016
Alright, c'mon,
Dar, listen.
346
00:14:19,017 --> 00:14:22,190
It is very important that we
show that stupid coach
347
00:14:22,324 --> 00:14:25,663
that he made a huge mistake
by not picking you, okay bud?
348
00:14:25,664 --> 00:14:27,701
Who cares?
Maybe he's right.
349
00:14:27,802 --> 00:14:29,539
- I'm not very good.
- Wrong answer.
350
00:14:29,672 --> 00:14:32,310
You are very good. You
got a ton of potential, dude.
351
00:14:32,311 --> 00:14:33,679
That's why I kept you
on a team.
352
00:14:33,680 --> 00:14:34,581
Yeah, right.
353
00:14:34,582 --> 00:14:36,317
You just picked me
because you had to.
354
00:14:36,318 --> 00:14:38,923
Nah, I picked you because I
know that deep down inside,
355
00:14:38,924 --> 00:14:40,861
buried under many layers
of wimp,
356
00:14:40,928 --> 00:14:42,296
is a ferocious dog.
357
00:14:42,330 --> 00:14:44,080
And once that dog
tastes victory,
358
00:14:44,167 --> 00:14:45,236
you better look out.
359
00:14:45,237 --> 00:14:46,772
Okay, everybody's
gonna to see what
360
00:14:46,773 --> 00:14:48,643
Darren Hoagies
is really made of.
361
00:14:49,277 --> 00:14:50,327
Okay.
362
00:14:50,328 --> 00:14:52,784
Alright, let me hear that dog
in you. Give you a woof!
363
00:14:52,785 --> 00:14:55,422
- No.
- I can't hear you! Darren...
364
00:14:56,057 --> 00:14:57,528
C'mon, please woof, Darren.
365
00:14:58,596 --> 00:15:01,126
Alright, that's fine.
That's fine. We'll get there.
366
00:15:01,335 --> 00:15:03,807
Yo, uh, Red Army,
let's rock and roll.
367
00:15:03,808 --> 00:15:05,309
Hey! Hey! C'mon Zhiv!
Knock it off.
368
00:15:05,310 --> 00:15:07,660
Okay, save the criminal
activity for the game.
369
00:15:12,892 --> 00:15:15,029
Yo, there we go!
Nice job, Ig!
370
00:15:15,162 --> 00:15:18,035
Atta boy, Vlad. Way to put 'em
in a gulag, baby!
371
00:15:18,068 --> 00:15:19,606
Alright Dar, you're in!
372
00:15:19,706 --> 00:15:21,241
Finally. With two minutes left.
373
00:15:21,242 --> 00:15:23,679
Dude. It's garbage time.
It's like the fillet mignon
374
00:15:23,680 --> 00:15:24,730
of playing time.
375
00:15:24,731 --> 00:15:26,952
You pad your stats, you
build your confidence, c'mon.
376
00:15:26,953 --> 00:15:30,125
Let's go, Darren!
Bury these losers!
377
00:15:45,023 --> 00:15:47,427
Oh my god! Oh my god!
That's my son!
378
00:15:47,528 --> 00:15:49,964
My son just scored
his first goal!
379
00:15:49,965 --> 00:15:52,070
No goal! no goal!
Cross-checking.
380
00:15:52,103 --> 00:15:55,611
Are you kidding me, ref?!
Are you freakin' kidding me?
381
00:15:55,844 --> 00:15:57,982
Ah! Yo, what the hell?
382
00:15:58,082 --> 00:15:59,986
Oh hoho!
Cross-check that!
383
00:16:00,019 --> 00:16:02,591
Okay that's it, lady!
You're out!
384
00:16:02,625 --> 00:16:03,993
Ah, get off me!
385
00:16:04,127 --> 00:16:07,200
See, this is what happens when
you speak truth to power!
386
00:16:07,201 --> 00:16:10,271
Oh man, I can't wait for that
clown coach to see the advanced
387
00:16:10,272 --> 00:16:12,644
stats on the ass-whooping
we're about to lay on them.
388
00:16:12,645 --> 00:16:15,235
Pfft. I mean, we scored 48
goals in the last two games.
389
00:16:15,250 --> 00:16:16,987
And Darren scored two of 'em!
390
00:16:17,053 --> 00:16:19,258
Too bad you're uh, banned
from the arena.
391
00:16:19,291 --> 00:16:21,160
Heh. We'll see about that.
392
00:16:21,161 --> 00:16:23,867
I'm not going to let that jerk
ref screw over my kid.
393
00:16:23,868 --> 00:16:25,436
You know, I gotta
say, these uh, Russians
394
00:16:25,437 --> 00:16:27,272
have been a great
influence on Darren.
395
00:16:27,273 --> 00:16:29,110
He's playing with a lot
more edge lately.
396
00:16:29,111 --> 00:16:30,913
He's definitely a lot
more confident.
397
00:16:30,914 --> 00:16:33,987
Yeah... As long as it
stays on the ice.
398
00:16:33,988 --> 00:16:36,457
Hey Dar, sweetie,
we're gonna get outta here.
399
00:16:36,458 --> 00:16:38,762
Alright, knuckleheads,
don't stay up too late.
400
00:16:38,763 --> 00:16:40,232
Big game coming up, alright?
401
00:16:42,037 --> 00:16:44,041
Oh God,
my mom's boyfriend's here.
402
00:16:44,274 --> 00:16:46,178
Hey fat boy. Time to go.
403
00:16:46,278 --> 00:16:48,181
You're wasted, Owen. Screw you.
404
00:16:48,315 --> 00:16:50,319
I think that's enough ice
cream for you.
405
00:16:50,419 --> 00:16:54,093
Unless you plan on paying for
your own diabetes medications.
406
00:16:56,298 --> 00:16:59,070
Why don't you go back to
jail and leave us alone?
407
00:16:59,170 --> 00:17:02,310
Ohoho, someone's getting an
ass kicking.
408
00:17:02,410 --> 00:17:06,051
You mess with Chyet.
Now we must break you.
409
00:17:06,084 --> 00:17:07,386
Uh...
410
00:17:09,090 --> 00:17:11,061
Morning comrades-
411
00:17:11,529 --> 00:17:12,579
Whoa...
412
00:17:13,499 --> 00:17:15,309
Hey uh, Tam,
you seen the Russians?
413
00:17:15,336 --> 00:17:17,641
- No, why?
[TV] Meanwhile, in Glantantown..
414
00:17:17,708 --> 00:17:20,815
Six undocumented Russian minors
have been deported after
415
00:17:20,848 --> 00:17:24,488
throwing a man into a deep fryer
at a Kindly's Family Restaurant.
416
00:17:24,555 --> 00:17:27,493
- Oh my God. That's awful.
- Ugh, I know.
417
00:17:27,628 --> 00:17:30,432
The frickin' Gladiators are
gonna to destroy us.
418
00:17:30,433 --> 00:17:32,503
So you're just gonna
to give up?
419
00:17:32,504 --> 00:17:35,075
What about all that stuff
you've been telling Darren?
420
00:17:35,076 --> 00:17:36,344
Where's your heart, Mark?
421
00:17:36,345 --> 00:17:37,947
Tam, I'm just being
realistic here, okay?
422
00:17:37,948 --> 00:17:40,598
There's no way we can win
without those Russian kids.
423
00:17:40,688 --> 00:17:41,738
We gotta forfeit.
424
00:17:41,823 --> 00:17:43,560
No, we're gonna play.
425
00:17:43,561 --> 00:17:45,162
Darren, I don't know
if you saw,
426
00:17:45,163 --> 00:17:47,499
but uh, we just lost all
of our best players, so...
427
00:17:47,500 --> 00:17:50,072
Yeah, but
you still got me.
428
00:17:50,073 --> 00:17:52,545
I hear ya bud, but y-
- I scored two goals.
429
00:17:52,645 --> 00:17:54,635
Those Russian kids showed
me how to win.
430
00:17:54,649 --> 00:17:57,621
It's time for me to step up
and unleash the dog.
431
00:17:57,722 --> 00:17:58,990
Look at you, Dar!
432
00:17:58,991 --> 00:18:00,660
Uh, Tammy,
can we not encourage this?
433
00:18:00,661 --> 00:18:02,630
Yo Darren, let me uh,
I'll call Mernft and see
434
00:18:02,631 --> 00:18:04,299
if he's got
any more to his Russian kids.
435
00:18:04,300 --> 00:18:06,740
No. We're gonna bring back
the old squad.
436
00:18:06,741 --> 00:18:07,640
And I'll lead them.
437
00:18:07,641 --> 00:18:09,578
I'm gonna go call J.D.
and the guys.
438
00:18:09,612 --> 00:18:10,814
Go get him, hun!
439
00:18:10,947 --> 00:18:11,997
Oh boy.
440
00:18:11,998 --> 00:18:14,153
Alright, Goofballs,
listen up! This is gonna
441
00:18:14,154 --> 00:18:16,158
get real ugly,
real fast, okay?
442
00:18:16,159 --> 00:18:18,261
Hopefully, the trauma
you experience today
443
00:18:18,262 --> 00:18:20,734
will serve you later
in life, in whatever
444
00:18:21,001 --> 00:18:22,871
non-hockey career you pursue.
445
00:18:22,905 --> 00:18:24,408
So, let's keep your heads up,
446
00:18:24,409 --> 00:18:25,977
let's protect yourselves
out there,
447
00:18:25,978 --> 00:18:28,883
and let's try and make it outta
here one piece, alright?
448
00:18:32,892 --> 00:18:34,061
Coach Mark is right.
449
00:18:34,062 --> 00:18:35,696
This team is way
better than us,
450
00:18:35,697 --> 00:18:38,402
so we gotta out-work them.
We gotta be tougher.
451
00:18:38,435 --> 00:18:39,485
We gotta want it more.
452
00:18:39,572 --> 00:18:42,545
When they hit us, we get
up and hit 'em back harder.
453
00:18:42,578 --> 00:18:44,414
Aw you're gettin' me
fired up, Dar.
454
00:18:44,447 --> 00:18:46,051
I'm about to bloodlust.
455
00:18:46,151 --> 00:18:49,224
They may be better,
but we got that dog in us.
456
00:18:49,324 --> 00:18:51,462
Let me hear those dogs.
Woof! Woof! Woof!
457
00:18:51,530 --> 00:18:54,201
Woof! Woof! Woof!
Woof! Woof! Woof!
458
00:18:54,902 --> 00:18:56,872
Together we fight!
Together...
459
00:18:57,039 --> 00:18:58,876
We die!
460
00:19:06,392 --> 00:19:07,442
Yeah, you like that?
461
00:19:07,561 --> 00:19:09,966
Yo, put that on your
spreadsheet, Timmo!
462
00:19:10,066 --> 00:19:11,635
Way to be aggressive, Dar!
463
00:19:11,769 --> 00:19:12,819
Shh, yo, Tam, c'mon.
464
00:19:12,820 --> 00:19:14,273
What are you doing?
You're gonna get booted again.
465
00:19:14,274 --> 00:19:16,212
Number nine.
Two minutes. Charging.
466
00:19:16,312 --> 00:19:18,950
Are you frickin' kidding me?!
That's B.S.
467
00:19:18,983 --> 00:19:20,954
Hey ref,
get your eyes checked!
468
00:19:21,021 --> 00:19:22,189
Wait. Who said that?
469
00:19:22,323 --> 00:19:23,793
Was that you?
470
00:19:31,375 --> 00:19:35,784
Oh my God! That was awesome!
Go Darren!
471
00:19:35,918 --> 00:19:37,086
I knew it was you.
472
00:19:37,087 --> 00:19:39,322
You're banned! Get the hell
out of this place!
473
00:19:39,323 --> 00:19:42,230
I'll get over yourself.
I'm just cheering on my kid.
474
00:19:42,363 --> 00:19:44,802
Woohoohoo! Go Goofballs!
475
00:19:44,836 --> 00:19:46,204
That's it! C'mere!
476
00:19:46,471 --> 00:19:47,974
Get the hell off me!
477
00:19:48,976 --> 00:19:50,412
You wanna go?!
478
00:19:51,348 --> 00:19:52,985
Tam, what are we doing here?
479
00:19:52,986 --> 00:19:53,919
How you like that?
480
00:19:53,920 --> 00:19:57,293
- Mom?
- Stop! Enough! Get off me!
481
00:19:59,231 --> 00:20:01,000
Screw this. I'm outta here,
okay.
482
00:20:01,067 --> 00:20:03,673
I don't get paid enough
for this crap!
483
00:20:04,608 --> 00:20:05,811
Come on now...
484
00:20:05,878 --> 00:20:07,647
So, I guess we gotta call it?
485
00:20:07,747 --> 00:20:10,385
Yep, and it looks like uh,
we got a tie in our hands.
486
00:20:10,419 --> 00:20:13,125
Great job Goofballs! We
just tied the Gladiators,
487
00:20:13,126 --> 00:20:14,293
okay, we're the same!
488
00:20:14,294 --> 00:20:16,297
We were up by 10 goals.
- Yeah well sorry, okay,
489
00:20:16,298 --> 00:20:18,502
we don't care about
advanced stats like "the score."
490
00:20:18,503 --> 00:20:22,878
I use my eyes, and what
I saw was an even game.
491
00:20:23,145 --> 00:20:25,015
Hey, great effort
out there, kid.
492
00:20:25,016 --> 00:20:27,152
Ya know, if you're
interested, I think
493
00:20:27,153 --> 00:20:28,655
we can find a spot
for you on the bench.
494
00:20:28,656 --> 00:20:30,827
No, thanks. I'd rather be
the captain of the
495
00:20:30,828 --> 00:20:33,265
Goofballs than a 4th liner
on the Gladiators.
496
00:20:33,365 --> 00:20:35,355
- Right, guys?
- Yeah, I don't know, Dar.
497
00:20:35,369 --> 00:20:37,340
I think I'm done with hockey.
498
00:20:37,407 --> 00:20:38,457
Okay, I'm in.
499
00:20:38,577 --> 00:20:40,513
Hey Mom! I made the Gladiators!
500
00:20:40,547 --> 00:20:43,318
Aw, way to go,
honey! That's awesome!
501
00:20:55,203 --> 00:20:58,682
[Speaking Russian]
Thief-in-law.
502
00:20:58,683 --> 00:21:00,720
[Speaking Russian]
Thief-in-law.
503
00:21:01,455 --> 00:21:03,893
He is ready for stars.
504
00:21:03,943 --> 00:21:08,493
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