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1
00:00:02,698 --> 00:00:04,482
♪ Men.♪Okay, here it is.
2
00:00:04,569 --> 00:00:06,310
This is Louis'’s first
science fair project.
3
00:00:06,397 --> 00:00:07,311
You'’re gonna love it.
4
00:00:07,398 --> 00:00:08,486
Wow.
5
00:00:08,573 --> 00:00:10,097
Louis made this all by himself.
6
00:00:10,184 --> 00:00:12,055
Last time I was here,
7
00:00:12,142 --> 00:00:14,623
he got the straw from his
juice box stuck in his nose.
8
00:00:14,710 --> 00:00:17,017
He also got it unstuck.
9
00:00:18,192 --> 00:00:19,845
Uh, check it out.
10
00:00:19,932 --> 00:00:22,283
So, uh, so we'’ll take
a piece of bread, all right?
11
00:00:22,370 --> 00:00:24,502
Put it in the mouth,
12
00:00:24,589 --> 00:00:26,461
where the saliva will
start to dissolve the bread.
13
00:00:26,548 --> 00:00:28,158
And then it'’ll travel
down to the stomach,
14
00:00:28,245 --> 00:00:32,162
where the acids will break down
the complex carbohydrates.
15
00:00:32,249 --> 00:00:34,469
At which point it will
move past the appendix,
16
00:00:34,556 --> 00:00:36,819
which does nothing.
17
00:00:36,906 --> 00:00:38,864
Yeah, we should rename
that the Alan.
18
00:00:38,951 --> 00:00:41,650
Uh, and then it'’ll go
to the small intestines,
19
00:00:41,737 --> 00:00:43,260
the large intestines,
where finally...
20
00:00:43,347 --> 00:00:44,348
[imitates flatulence]
21
00:00:47,743 --> 00:00:49,353
Oh, dear God.
22
00:00:49,440 --> 00:00:50,963
Uh, no, it'’s okay,
it'’s a Hershey'’s Kiss.
23
00:00:51,051 --> 00:00:52,574
Okay.
24
00:00:52,661 --> 00:00:55,620
So the reason I came
over is to tell you--
25
00:00:55,707 --> 00:00:57,274
we are ready to start
the final steps
26
00:00:57,361 --> 00:00:59,233
for you to officially
adopt Louis.
27
00:00:59,320 --> 00:01:02,540
Oh, my God, I'’m gonna
Hershey'’s Kiss my pants.
28
00:01:02,627 --> 00:01:05,326
But before the
adoption is final,
29
00:01:05,413 --> 00:01:07,719
I want you to tell Louis
you two aren'’t gay.
30
00:01:07,806 --> 00:01:10,070
Are you sure that this is
the best time to do that?
31
00:01:10,157 --> 00:01:11,375
I mean, I haven'’t even
talked to him
32
00:01:11,462 --> 00:01:12,724
about the birds
and the bees,
33
00:01:12,811 --> 00:01:14,552
let alone the bees
and the bees.
34
00:01:14,639 --> 00:01:16,902
I know there is never
a perfect time
35
00:01:16,989 --> 00:01:19,601
to tell your son his two dads
aren'’t gay...
36
00:01:21,603 --> 00:01:23,909
...but it'’ll be more harmful
the longer you wait.
37
00:01:23,996 --> 00:01:25,911
Yeah, but it'’s just,
like, h-how do I tell him?
38
00:01:25,998 --> 00:01:28,218
Um, does Hallmark make
a "Sorry, son,
39
00:01:28,305 --> 00:01:30,220
it turns out
I'’m straight" card?
40
00:01:30,307 --> 00:01:32,048
You'’ve been a fantastic father
so far.
41
00:01:32,135 --> 00:01:33,528
I am confident
you will handle this
42
00:01:33,615 --> 00:01:34,833
with the utmost attention
and care.
43
00:01:34,920 --> 00:01:35,878
ALAN:
Walden?
44
00:01:35,965 --> 00:01:37,880
Him I'’m worried about.
45
00:01:37,967 --> 00:01:39,055
Sorry I'’m late.
46
00:01:39,142 --> 00:01:40,404
Uh, I took Louis
to the mall
47
00:01:40,491 --> 00:01:41,753
to get him some
new school clothes.
48
00:01:41,840 --> 00:01:43,494
He'’s trying them on
right now.
49
00:01:43,581 --> 00:01:46,149
Plus there was a new kiosk
that will bedazzle anything.
50
00:01:46,236 --> 00:01:48,108
Got an iPhone case for my boo.
51
00:01:50,022 --> 00:01:52,024
Now, I'’m gonna bedazzle
your cheek with some sugar.
52
00:01:52,112 --> 00:01:53,852
[chuckles dryly]
53
00:01:53,939 --> 00:01:57,378
Alan, as your social worker,
I cannot accept gifts.
54
00:01:57,465 --> 00:01:59,162
And as your "boo,"
hell no.
55
00:02:00,903 --> 00:02:02,818
I can'’t believe
I'’m just realizing this,
56
00:02:02,905 --> 00:02:05,125
but the perfect person
to date a social worker
57
00:02:05,212 --> 00:02:06,778
is a needy child.
58
00:02:06,865 --> 00:02:09,259
We were just discussing
that it would be
59
00:02:09,346 --> 00:02:10,913
in the best interest
of Louis to tell him
60
00:02:11,000 --> 00:02:12,610
you two aren'’t actually gay.
61
00:02:12,697 --> 00:02:14,656
Oh, I agree
100 percent.
62
00:02:14,743 --> 00:02:16,919
I mean, it'’s not like anyone was
buying either one of us
63
00:02:17,006 --> 00:02:18,616
as a gay man anyway.
64
00:02:18,703 --> 00:02:21,184
Ooh, that top is
fierce, girl. Rawr.
65
00:02:23,012 --> 00:02:25,232
Louis, could you come
in here for a second?
66
00:02:25,319 --> 00:02:27,190
Oh, oh, we'’re doing
it right now?
67
00:02:27,277 --> 00:02:30,411
[sighs] It will be such a relief
to discontinue this charade.
68
00:02:35,807 --> 00:02:37,635
What are you wearing?
69
00:02:37,722 --> 00:02:41,770
Alan says between business
casual and country club chic.
70
00:02:41,857 --> 00:02:42,945
Now turn around.
71
00:02:46,557 --> 00:02:48,864
He'’s "bedazzle-ous."
72
00:02:50,344 --> 00:02:51,997
Okay, should we
tell him now?
73
00:02:52,084 --> 00:02:54,086
I don'’t think
he'’s gonna believe us.
74
00:02:56,088 --> 00:02:58,961
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
75
00:02:59,048 --> 00:03:01,572
♪ Ah.
♪ Men.
♪ Men.
76
00:03:06,098 --> 00:03:07,187
♪ Men.♪
77
00:03:07,274 --> 00:03:08,797
Oh, hey, Berta.
78
00:03:08,884 --> 00:03:10,799
I talked to Louis.
79
00:03:10,886 --> 00:03:12,714
He said you guys told him
you'’re not gay.
80
00:03:12,801 --> 00:03:14,411
[door bell rings]
81
00:03:14,498 --> 00:03:16,370
Yeah, we didn'’t want
to lie to him anymore.
82
00:03:16,457 --> 00:03:18,328
So now you'’re just
lying to yourself.
83
00:03:24,247 --> 00:03:26,815
Lyndsey?
84
00:03:26,902 --> 00:03:29,557
Hi, Alan. Can we talk?Sure, come on in.
85
00:03:29,644 --> 00:03:31,602
Uh, can I give you
a hand with your box?
86
00:03:31,689 --> 00:03:34,170
Boy, I haven'’t said that
to you in a while.
87
00:03:34,257 --> 00:03:36,433
I'’ll say to you now
what I said to you then.
88
00:03:36,520 --> 00:03:38,087
It'’s easier
if I just do it myself.
89
00:03:38,174 --> 00:03:40,394
I was cleaning out
my house,
90
00:03:40,481 --> 00:03:42,091
and I found some
of your old things.
91
00:03:42,178 --> 00:03:44,093
Oh, look at
this stuff.
92
00:03:44,180 --> 00:03:46,269
Oh, here'’s a picture from
our Caribbean vacation.
93
00:03:46,356 --> 00:03:48,750
Oh, remember how I got
stung by that jellyfish?
94
00:03:48,837 --> 00:03:52,710
Of course I do-- you made me pee
on you to neutralize the pain.
95
00:03:52,797 --> 00:03:55,060
Seems like you got stung
a lot on that vacation.
96
00:03:56,192 --> 00:03:57,106
Did I?
97
00:03:57,193 --> 00:03:58,150
Wow!
98
00:03:58,238 --> 00:03:59,195
Oh, look.
99
00:03:59,282 --> 00:04:00,979
Wow, my old boom box.
100
00:04:01,066 --> 00:04:04,113
Oh, and it still has that
mix CD I made for us.
101
00:04:04,200 --> 00:04:06,942
"Now That'’s What I Call
Nasty, Volume 69."
102
00:04:07,029 --> 00:04:08,422
♪ A little bit of Mary
103
00:04:08,509 --> 00:04:10,119
Ah!♪ All night long
104
00:04:10,206 --> 00:04:12,121
♪ A little bit of Jessica,
here I am ♪
105
00:04:12,208 --> 00:04:14,079
♪ A little bit of you
makes me your man... ♪
106
00:04:14,166 --> 00:04:15,429
"Mambo No. 5."
107
00:04:15,516 --> 00:04:17,126
[turns off music]
108
00:04:17,213 --> 00:04:19,302
How did I ever let you
make love to me
109
00:04:19,389 --> 00:04:20,956
while you sang
other women'’s names?
110
00:04:21,043 --> 00:04:24,133
Be fair, you used to
scream other guys'’ names.
111
00:04:24,220 --> 00:04:26,831
Anyway, I didn'’t come by
just to bring you your stuff.
112
00:04:26,918 --> 00:04:30,792
I also wanted to tell you
that I'’ve decided to move away.
113
00:04:30,879 --> 00:04:32,489
Get a fresh start.
114
00:04:32,576 --> 00:04:34,970
What? Uh, wh-where'’s
this coming from?
115
00:04:35,057 --> 00:04:37,277
I'’ve been thinking about it
for a while,
116
00:04:37,364 --> 00:04:39,322
and there'’s nothing for me here.
117
00:04:39,409 --> 00:04:40,976
I mean, most of my memories
involve a time
118
00:04:41,063 --> 00:04:42,717
when I was drinking
really heavily,
119
00:04:42,804 --> 00:04:44,153
and those aren'’t pretty.
120
00:04:44,240 --> 00:04:46,155
I mean, the bar
by my house has a drink
121
00:04:46,242 --> 00:04:47,635
called "The Lyndsey Special."
122
00:04:47,722 --> 00:04:49,506
It'’s a bottle of Merlot,
a shot of vodka
123
00:04:49,593 --> 00:04:52,466
and a scrunchie to hold your
hair back while you throw up.
124
00:04:52,553 --> 00:04:54,598
So where do you think
you'’re gonna go?
125
00:04:54,685 --> 00:04:56,948
Well, I have family
in Arizona, so...
126
00:04:57,035 --> 00:04:59,124
not there.
127
00:04:59,211 --> 00:05:01,388
Ah, you know, I just,
I can'’t believe it.
128
00:05:01,475 --> 00:05:03,825
I mean, well, I hope you don'’t
forget about me completely.
129
00:05:03,912 --> 00:05:06,001
You'’re a hard person
to forget, Alan Harper.
130
00:05:06,088 --> 00:05:07,219
I'’ve tried.
131
00:05:07,307 --> 00:05:08,743
Hence, "The Lyndsey Special."
132
00:05:08,830 --> 00:05:10,135
Mm.
133
00:05:10,222 --> 00:05:12,137
Anyway, I just wanted
to let you know.
134
00:05:12,224 --> 00:05:13,965
This is gonna
be so strange.
135
00:05:14,052 --> 00:05:15,445
I mean, even when
we weren'’t together,
136
00:05:15,532 --> 00:05:17,273
it was nice knowing
you were nearby.
137
00:05:17,360 --> 00:05:18,622
Ah, I know what you mean.
138
00:05:18,709 --> 00:05:20,624
Well, this is it.
139
00:05:20,711 --> 00:05:21,669
Good-bye, Alan.
140
00:05:21,756 --> 00:05:22,974
Good-bye, Lyndsey.
141
00:05:23,061 --> 00:05:25,194
[both chuckle]
142
00:05:25,281 --> 00:05:27,936
Are we really not gonna talk
about the 20 bucks you owe me?
143
00:05:30,417 --> 00:05:31,722
I am really
gonna miss you.
144
00:05:31,809 --> 00:05:33,333
I'’ll miss you, too.
145
00:05:40,252 --> 00:05:41,515
Let'’s go
to your room.
146
00:05:41,602 --> 00:05:42,864
Okay, great.
147
00:05:42,951 --> 00:05:44,735
Ow!
What'’s wrong?
148
00:05:44,822 --> 00:05:46,998
I just got stung by a jellyfish
earlier, that'’s all.
149
00:05:47,085 --> 00:05:49,044
♪ Men.♪
150
00:05:49,131 --> 00:05:51,046
♪ ...Jessica, here I am
151
00:05:51,133 --> 00:05:53,701
♪ A little bit of you
makes me your... ♪
152
00:05:53,788 --> 00:05:56,051
Yeah, still got it.
153
00:05:56,138 --> 00:05:58,880
Sex is very different
when you'’re sober.
154
00:05:58,967 --> 00:06:00,925
Now I really know
how long two minutes is.
155
00:06:01,012 --> 00:06:02,710
It was a special occasion.
156
00:06:02,797 --> 00:06:04,189
I wanted to give you
a little something extra.
157
00:06:04,276 --> 00:06:06,235
Well, thank you.
158
00:06:06,322 --> 00:06:08,237
This puts a nice cap
on our relationship.
159
00:06:09,281 --> 00:06:11,066
Wait.
160
00:06:11,153 --> 00:06:13,416
I can'’t have this be
the last time we make love.
161
00:06:13,503 --> 00:06:15,897
The last time I put
on your panties.
162
00:06:15,984 --> 00:06:18,247
The last time you say,
"No, not there,"
163
00:06:18,334 --> 00:06:20,510
and I pretend
I was just confused.
164
00:06:20,597 --> 00:06:22,077
Look, I'’m not saying
I won'’t miss you,
165
00:06:22,164 --> 00:06:23,513
but the fact is
you'’re married.
166
00:06:23,600 --> 00:06:24,775
You'’re about to adopt a child.
167
00:06:24,862 --> 00:06:26,386
That'’s my point.
168
00:06:26,473 --> 00:06:28,257
The adoption is almost final,
and when it is,
169
00:06:28,344 --> 00:06:30,259
Walden and I will get a divorce.
170
00:06:30,346 --> 00:06:33,393
And I misspelled my name
on the prenup.
171
00:06:34,655 --> 00:06:37,005
We'’ll live like kings.
172
00:06:37,092 --> 00:06:39,007
Are you really
asking me to stay?
173
00:06:39,094 --> 00:06:42,010
Yes, I mean, we'’ve shared
so much over the years.
174
00:06:42,097 --> 00:06:43,664
We can'’t just
throw it away like a...
175
00:06:43,751 --> 00:06:45,709
a long-running hit
television show
176
00:06:45,796 --> 00:06:47,798
that still pulls in
a pretty decent audience.
177
00:06:49,974 --> 00:06:51,889
I suppose it is something
to think about.
178
00:06:51,976 --> 00:06:53,935
I mean, for the first time
in a long time,
179
00:06:54,022 --> 00:06:55,937
neither one of us
is seeing anybody else.
180
00:06:56,024 --> 00:06:58,505
Hey, do you need a
bedazzled iPhone case?
181
00:06:58,592 --> 00:07:01,377
Wait, are you
seeing someone?
182
00:07:01,464 --> 00:07:03,988
[scoffs] Yeah, yeah,
Alan Harper has two girlfriends.
183
00:07:04,075 --> 00:07:05,033
[chuckles]
184
00:07:05,120 --> 00:07:06,208
What else do I have?
185
00:07:06,295 --> 00:07:07,514
Good credit? Health insurance?
186
00:07:07,601 --> 00:07:08,558
A job?
187
00:07:10,952 --> 00:07:12,214
This is a lot
to think about.
188
00:07:12,301 --> 00:07:13,824
I'’m gonna need
some time.
189
00:07:13,911 --> 00:07:15,173
Of course,
take all the time you need.
190
00:07:15,260 --> 00:07:17,045
Okay.
191
00:07:17,132 --> 00:07:18,525
Look, I really do
need to go.
192
00:07:18,612 --> 00:07:20,178
And I really do need
my panties back.
193
00:07:20,265 --> 00:07:21,179
Oh.
194
00:07:21,266 --> 00:07:22,833
♪ Men.♪
195
00:07:22,920 --> 00:07:24,008
LYNDSEY:
Hey, Walden.
196
00:07:25,096 --> 00:07:26,576
Lyndsey?
197
00:07:26,663 --> 00:07:28,622
Uh, are you coming out
of Alan'’s room?
198
00:07:28,709 --> 00:07:29,710
Uh-huh.
199
00:07:29,797 --> 00:07:31,189
You drinking again?
200
00:07:31,276 --> 00:07:32,800
Do I need to take you
to a meeting?
201
00:07:32,887 --> 00:07:34,845
No, still sober.
202
00:07:34,932 --> 00:07:37,805
But I should apologize
for sleeping with your husband.
203
00:07:37,892 --> 00:07:39,459
Not the first time
I'’ve said that.
204
00:07:39,546 --> 00:07:40,590
See ya.
205
00:07:40,677 --> 00:07:42,331
So, okay.
[mumbles]
206
00:07:42,418 --> 00:07:43,637
Alan!
207
00:07:45,465 --> 00:07:46,553
Yeah?
208
00:07:46,640 --> 00:07:48,598
Are you having sex with Lyndsey
209
00:07:48,685 --> 00:07:50,948
while you'’re sleeping
with our social worker?
210
00:07:51,035 --> 00:07:54,561
Yeah, my pimp hand is strong.
211
00:07:54,648 --> 00:07:56,780
No, it'’s not!
212
00:07:56,867 --> 00:07:58,608
Look, look, this thing
with Lyndsey just happened.
213
00:07:58,695 --> 00:08:01,002
A-And, honestly,
I-I'’m glad it did.
214
00:08:01,089 --> 00:08:03,178
I-I really want her
to give us another shot.
215
00:08:03,265 --> 00:08:04,614
What about Ms. McMartin?!
216
00:08:04,701 --> 00:08:06,311
Oh, we'’re not
that serious.
217
00:08:06,398 --> 00:08:08,531
Plus, she doesn'’t get me
like Lyndsey gets me.
218
00:08:08,618 --> 00:08:10,402
When I try to put
Ms. McMartin'’s panties on,
219
00:08:10,490 --> 00:08:12,492
she looks at me like
I'’m some kind of weirdo.
220
00:08:12,579 --> 00:08:15,190
Kind of like how I'’m looking
at you right now?!
221
00:08:15,277 --> 00:08:16,800
Look, I'’m gonna see
Ms. McMartin tonight,
222
00:08:16,887 --> 00:08:18,672
and I-I'’ll tell her
it'’s over.
223
00:08:18,759 --> 00:08:20,674
She'’s gonna be upset--
nobody likes getting dumped.
224
00:08:20,761 --> 00:08:22,197
Oh, she'’ll be fine.
225
00:08:22,284 --> 00:08:23,851
I mean, you'’ve seen
how she looks at me.
226
00:08:23,938 --> 00:08:24,852
That'’s not love.
227
00:08:24,939 --> 00:08:26,375
That'’s not even like.
228
00:08:26,462 --> 00:08:28,029
That'’s-- if we run
into anyone I know,
229
00:08:28,116 --> 00:08:29,247
I'’m pretending that
you'’re my slow brother.
230
00:08:29,334 --> 00:08:31,032
Alan?
Mm-hmm.
231
00:08:31,119 --> 00:08:34,470
I want you to get your penis
out of my business.
232
00:08:34,557 --> 00:08:37,299
Change "business"
to "turkey,"
233
00:08:37,386 --> 00:08:38,996
uh, and it'’s the story
234
00:08:39,083 --> 00:08:41,390
of how a 13-year-old boy named
Alan ruined Thanksgiving.
235
00:08:43,871 --> 00:08:46,047
♪ Men.♪
236
00:08:46,134 --> 00:08:47,657
What looks good?
237
00:08:47,744 --> 00:08:49,354
And don'’t say
my boobs.
238
00:08:49,441 --> 00:08:50,355
Cute.
239
00:08:50,442 --> 00:08:51,356
Funny.
240
00:08:51,443 --> 00:08:53,358
Boobs.
241
00:08:53,445 --> 00:08:54,969
Um, can we talk?
242
00:08:55,056 --> 00:08:56,057
What'’s wrong?
243
00:08:56,144 --> 00:08:57,275
Is it the restaurant?
244
00:08:57,362 --> 00:08:58,450
It'’s not
too pricy, is it?
245
00:08:58,538 --> 00:09:00,148
It only had
one dollar sign on Yelp.
246
00:09:00,235 --> 00:09:01,802
N-N-No, it'’s not that.
247
00:09:01,889 --> 00:09:04,500
Um, although,
$14 for tilapia?
248
00:09:04,587 --> 00:09:06,546
Sounds to me like a
beer-battered rip-off.
249
00:09:06,633 --> 00:09:07,851
Then what'’s going on?
250
00:09:07,938 --> 00:09:10,201
Here'’s the thing.
251
00:09:10,288 --> 00:09:11,725
I really like you,
it'’s just that...
252
00:09:11,812 --> 00:09:14,292
Oh, my God, are you
breaking up with me?
253
00:09:14,379 --> 00:09:15,642
Wow, Band-Aid off.
254
00:09:15,729 --> 00:09:16,686
Seriously?
255
00:09:16,773 --> 00:09:17,731
You?
256
00:09:17,818 --> 00:09:18,775
Breaking up with me?
257
00:09:18,862 --> 00:09:19,863
That?
258
00:09:19,950 --> 00:09:21,473
Breaking up with this?
259
00:09:21,561 --> 00:09:23,084
Hey, hey, there'’s
no need to point.
260
00:09:23,171 --> 00:09:24,781
I mean, we both could
be in better shape.
261
00:09:24,868 --> 00:09:26,478
Oh, there is only one person
at this table wearing Spanx,
262
00:09:26,566 --> 00:09:28,263
and it is not me.
263
00:09:28,350 --> 00:09:29,873
Could you keep it down?
People are starting to look.
264
00:09:29,960 --> 00:09:31,353
Oh, well, they'’re
probably wondering
265
00:09:31,440 --> 00:09:32,833
why the old man
and his nurse are arguing.
266
00:09:32,920 --> 00:09:34,878
Hey, I am not that
much older than you.
267
00:09:34,965 --> 00:09:36,184
I'’m 47.
268
00:09:38,099 --> 00:09:40,449
Great, you just lost
me my senior discount.
269
00:09:40,536 --> 00:09:43,104
I knew dating you
was a bad idea.
270
00:09:43,191 --> 00:09:44,627
Yes, exactly.
271
00:09:44,714 --> 00:09:46,629
Louis and Walden are
the priority here.
272
00:09:46,716 --> 00:09:49,284
You and I should never have
complicated the adoption
273
00:09:49,371 --> 00:09:50,590
with our unbridled
passion.
274
00:09:50,677 --> 00:09:51,852
We should
have bridled.
275
00:09:51,939 --> 00:09:52,983
This was so stupid.
276
00:09:53,070 --> 00:09:54,158
I am so stupid.
277
00:09:54,245 --> 00:09:55,986
No, you'’re not stupid.
278
00:09:56,073 --> 00:09:57,771
You just let your unfettered
desire get the best of you.
279
00:09:57,858 --> 00:09:58,946
You should have fettered.
280
00:09:59,033 --> 00:10:00,121
You know what?
281
00:10:00,208 --> 00:10:01,122
You'’re right.
282
00:10:01,209 --> 00:10:02,689
Ending this is
a good thing.
283
00:10:02,776 --> 00:10:04,299
To be honest, I'’m actually
a little relieved.
284
00:10:04,386 --> 00:10:06,083
Of course you are, you
just dodged a bullet--
285
00:10:06,170 --> 00:10:08,825
a cheap, middle-aged,
lactose-intolerant bullet.
286
00:10:10,958 --> 00:10:12,873
♪ Men.♪[thunder rumbling]
287
00:10:12,960 --> 00:10:14,526
[doorbell rings]
288
00:10:16,964 --> 00:10:18,530
[doorbell rings]
289
00:10:19,793 --> 00:10:21,795
[doorbell rings twice]
290
00:10:21,882 --> 00:10:22,839
What is going on?
291
00:10:22,926 --> 00:10:24,841
I have no idea.
292
00:10:24,928 --> 00:10:28,323
[doorbell ringing]
293
00:10:29,759 --> 00:10:31,369
Surprise!
294
00:10:31,456 --> 00:10:33,328
It'’s inspection time!
295
00:10:33,415 --> 00:10:35,417
[thunder crashes]
296
00:10:35,504 --> 00:10:37,593
♪ Men.♪
297
00:10:42,163 --> 00:10:43,773
♪ Men.♪
298
00:10:43,860 --> 00:10:45,993
Look at these sharp corners
on this table.
299
00:10:46,080 --> 00:10:47,734
No gate on the stairs.
300
00:10:47,821 --> 00:10:49,431
I see a lot of problems here.
301
00:10:49,518 --> 00:10:51,215
A lot of
problems.
302
00:10:51,302 --> 00:10:53,740
A lot of problems.
303
00:10:53,827 --> 00:10:57,047
Believe me,
I see the same problem.
304
00:10:57,134 --> 00:10:59,702
And I would like to help you
get rid of your problem,
305
00:10:59,789 --> 00:11:03,924
even if that means dumping
the problem'’s body in the ocean.
306
00:11:04,011 --> 00:11:06,274
If you think it'’s hard
getting me out of here alive,
307
00:11:06,361 --> 00:11:08,232
try getting rid
of my ghost.
308
00:11:08,319 --> 00:11:11,192
Okay, obviously
this is not about the adoption.
309
00:11:11,279 --> 00:11:12,933
This is about us.
310
00:11:13,020 --> 00:11:14,978
Now, why don'’t we just
sit down and talk?
311
00:11:15,065 --> 00:11:16,240
Look at this.
312
00:11:16,327 --> 00:11:19,243
A weapon in the form of a toy?
313
00:11:19,330 --> 00:11:20,636
Is it loaded?
314
00:11:20,723 --> 00:11:22,072
Yes, it is!
315
00:11:22,159 --> 00:11:23,900
You have to be careful.
316
00:11:23,987 --> 00:11:25,423
You might hurt someone
you thought you cared about
317
00:11:25,510 --> 00:11:26,555
but were horribly deceived by.
318
00:11:26,642 --> 00:11:27,991
Okay, listen,
319
00:11:28,078 --> 00:11:29,819
I understand
that you are very upset.
320
00:11:29,906 --> 00:11:31,168
And I agree
321
00:11:31,255 --> 00:11:33,649
that we should take this
out on Alan.
322
00:11:33,736 --> 00:11:35,912
Your railings on the
deck are too low,
323
00:11:35,999 --> 00:11:37,914
there'’s no safety
glass on the fireplace
324
00:11:38,001 --> 00:11:40,482
and you have
alcohol
325
00:11:40,569 --> 00:11:41,788
within a child'’s reach.
326
00:11:41,875 --> 00:11:44,094
We can, we can fix this.
327
00:11:44,181 --> 00:11:46,053
See? All gone.
328
00:11:46,140 --> 00:11:47,141
Ugh..
329
00:11:47,228 --> 00:11:48,403
What kind of wine is that?
330
00:11:48,490 --> 00:11:51,014
Oh, uh, uh,
it'’s instant.
331
00:11:51,101 --> 00:11:52,189
It comes in a packet.
332
00:11:52,276 --> 00:11:53,800
Just add water.
333
00:11:53,887 --> 00:11:55,497
Uh, it'’s-it'’s like
astronaut wine.
334
00:11:55,584 --> 00:11:58,195
And you'’re upset that
this guy broke up with you?
335
00:11:58,282 --> 00:11:59,980
The only thing
I'’m upset about
336
00:12:00,067 --> 00:12:02,373
is the litany of violations
I found here tonight.
337
00:12:02,460 --> 00:12:05,159
You have 48 hours
to address these issues.
338
00:12:05,246 --> 00:12:06,334
Keep in mind:
339
00:12:06,421 --> 00:12:08,945
I can stop by anytime I see fit.
340
00:12:09,946 --> 00:12:11,339
Anytime.
341
00:12:11,426 --> 00:12:13,776
[thunder crashes]
342
00:12:16,953 --> 00:12:18,433
Okay, say what you will,
343
00:12:18,520 --> 00:12:19,826
but that exit was cool.
344
00:12:19,913 --> 00:12:21,523
Okay, you think she'’s angry now?
345
00:12:21,610 --> 00:12:23,090
What do you think
is gonna happen
346
00:12:23,177 --> 00:12:25,048
when she finds out
about you and Lyndsey?
347
00:12:25,135 --> 00:12:27,224
Oh, oh, don'’t worry,
I'’ll apologize to Ms. McMartin,
348
00:12:27,311 --> 00:12:29,139
and then tomorrow, when I'’m
having lunch with Lyndsey,
349
00:12:29,226 --> 00:12:30,488
I'’ll tell her we have to lay low
350
00:12:30,575 --> 00:12:31,576
until the adoption
goes through.
351
00:12:31,663 --> 00:12:32,664
No. I don'’t want you going
352
00:12:32,752 --> 00:12:34,188
anywhere near Ms. McMartin.
353
00:12:34,275 --> 00:12:35,972
But I think
I can help...
No!
354
00:12:36,059 --> 00:12:37,408
You'’ve already done
enough damage.
355
00:12:37,495 --> 00:12:39,149
And I'’m warning you,
you stay away.
356
00:12:39,236 --> 00:12:40,803
I am a billionaire
357
00:12:40,890 --> 00:12:43,414
and I can buy my way out
of at least one murder.
358
00:12:43,501 --> 00:12:45,199
This is still America.
359
00:12:45,286 --> 00:12:46,504
♪ Men.♪
360
00:12:47,984 --> 00:12:50,073
So, what looks good?
361
00:12:50,160 --> 00:12:52,206
And don'’t say my boobs.
362
00:12:52,293 --> 00:12:53,860
Why would I say "my boobs"
363
00:12:53,947 --> 00:12:55,426
when it'’s your boobs
that I like?
364
00:12:55,513 --> 00:12:56,558
[laughs]
365
00:12:56,645 --> 00:12:58,038
Have you thought about us?
366
00:12:58,125 --> 00:12:59,126
Yes.
367
00:12:59,213 --> 00:13:00,257
I want to give it a try.
368
00:13:00,344 --> 00:13:01,563
Oh, you do?!
369
00:13:01,650 --> 00:13:03,260
Oh, that is so great.
I know!
370
00:13:03,347 --> 00:13:05,088
The rest of our life together
starts right now.
371
00:13:05,175 --> 00:13:06,742
Yes!
372
00:13:06,829 --> 00:13:08,439
Or in three weeks, when
I can see you again.
373
00:13:08,526 --> 00:13:10,267
What?
374
00:13:10,354 --> 00:13:12,052
Oh, well, Walden is worried
about the adoption.
375
00:13:12,139 --> 00:13:13,662
He doesn'’t want there to be
any complications.
376
00:13:13,749 --> 00:13:15,316
So he thinks I'’ll screw it up?
377
00:13:15,403 --> 00:13:16,752
No, he thinks
I'’ll screw it up.
378
00:13:16,839 --> 00:13:18,754
Oh, sure.
379
00:13:18,841 --> 00:13:20,408
So I just think
it'’s better if we lay low
380
00:13:20,495 --> 00:13:21,365
until after the court date.
381
00:13:21,452 --> 00:13:23,150
I understand.
382
00:13:23,237 --> 00:13:24,978
Is that why we drove
an hour away from the ocean
383
00:13:25,065 --> 00:13:26,370
to go to a seafood restaurant?
384
00:13:26,457 --> 00:13:28,546
Ah, that and...
385
00:13:28,633 --> 00:13:29,983
no corkage fee.
386
00:13:32,594 --> 00:13:33,508
Ooh.
387
00:13:33,595 --> 00:13:35,684
A pinot.
388
00:13:38,513 --> 00:13:40,297
Oh! Oh, you don'’t mind
if I drink, do you?
389
00:13:40,384 --> 00:13:43,344
I can honestly say
I'’ve never been less tempted.
390
00:13:43,431 --> 00:13:45,172
Good legs...
391
00:13:45,259 --> 00:13:47,348
mmm, full body...
392
00:13:47,435 --> 00:13:49,176
goes down easy.
393
00:13:49,263 --> 00:13:52,048
They should call this
"The Lyndsey Special."
394
00:13:52,135 --> 00:13:54,442
Cute.
395
00:13:54,529 --> 00:13:56,574
You know, I-I certainly
wouldn'’t want to do anything
396
00:13:56,661 --> 00:13:58,315
to jeopardize the adoption.
397
00:13:58,402 --> 00:14:00,448
And taking it slow
is probably better for us, too.
398
00:14:00,535 --> 00:14:04,104
Oh! Lyndsey plus Alan
equals "us."
399
00:14:04,191 --> 00:14:05,409
Aw...
[laughs]
400
00:14:07,020 --> 00:14:07,934
Hello, Alan.
401
00:14:08,021 --> 00:14:10,284
[crashing]
402
00:14:10,371 --> 00:14:11,807
Good God!
403
00:14:11,894 --> 00:14:13,809
What-what are
you doing here?
404
00:14:13,896 --> 00:14:16,420
And-and how do you keep making
these dramatic entrances?
405
00:14:17,508 --> 00:14:18,814
Who is this?
406
00:14:18,901 --> 00:14:21,425
Oh. Uh, th-this
is-is Lyndsey.
407
00:14:21,512 --> 00:14:23,906
Uh, Lyndsey, this
is Ms. McMartin,
408
00:14:23,993 --> 00:14:25,690
our social
worker.
409
00:14:25,777 --> 00:14:29,651
Uh, remember, I told you
about her and the adoption?
410
00:14:29,738 --> 00:14:33,350
Um, uh, Lyndsey
is my cousin,
411
00:14:33,437 --> 00:14:36,745
um, from Cedar
Rapids, Iowa.
412
00:14:36,832 --> 00:14:38,094
What?
413
00:14:38,181 --> 00:14:40,096
So you make out
with your cousin?
414
00:14:40,183 --> 00:14:43,273
I said she
was from Iowa.
415
00:14:43,360 --> 00:14:45,188
Is this why you
broke up with me?
416
00:14:45,275 --> 00:14:46,189
For her?
417
00:14:46,276 --> 00:14:47,451
Hold on.
418
00:14:47,538 --> 00:14:48,975
You'’re dating
your social worker?
419
00:14:49,062 --> 00:14:50,150
He was.
420
00:14:50,237 --> 00:14:51,325
Till he dumped me last night.
421
00:14:51,412 --> 00:14:52,804
Was it just
last night?
422
00:14:52,892 --> 00:14:54,328
You said
you were single.
423
00:14:54,415 --> 00:14:55,851
Did I say I was single?
424
00:14:55,938 --> 00:14:57,635
Yeah.
Right after we had sex.
425
00:14:57,722 --> 00:14:59,333
Did we have sex?
426
00:14:59,420 --> 00:15:00,682
You had sex with her?
427
00:15:00,769 --> 00:15:02,945
Did I have
sex with her?
428
00:15:03,032 --> 00:15:03,946
You jackass!
429
00:15:06,949 --> 00:15:09,169
[glass shatters]
430
00:15:09,256 --> 00:15:10,866
Heh.
431
00:15:10,953 --> 00:15:12,650
Chicks.
[chuckles]
432
00:15:12,737 --> 00:15:14,652
Crazy in the head,
crazy in the bed, am I right?
433
00:15:16,916 --> 00:15:18,395
Oh, Lyndsey... Lyndsey, wait!
434
00:15:21,311 --> 00:15:23,400
I banged both of them.
435
00:15:23,487 --> 00:15:24,575
Ain'’t no thang.
436
00:15:26,664 --> 00:15:28,579
♪ Men.♪
437
00:15:30,581 --> 00:15:31,887
Hey.
438
00:15:31,974 --> 00:15:34,281
Oh, hey, did you, uh,
see Lyndsey?
439
00:15:34,368 --> 00:15:36,022
Uh, yes, I did.
440
00:15:36,109 --> 00:15:37,675
Uh, and she was totally cool
with taking it slow
441
00:15:37,762 --> 00:15:38,720
until the adoption is done.
442
00:15:38,807 --> 00:15:40,374
Good. And thank you.
443
00:15:40,461 --> 00:15:41,897
Yeah, you may not want
to thank me just yet.
444
00:15:41,984 --> 00:15:42,985
Um...
445
00:15:44,682 --> 00:15:47,642
Please tell me that
that is your blood
446
00:15:47,729 --> 00:15:49,078
and not powdered wine.
447
00:15:49,165 --> 00:15:50,819
I-It'’s not my fault.
448
00:15:50,906 --> 00:15:52,864
Ms. McMartin showed up.What?
449
00:15:52,952 --> 00:15:54,605
She followed me.
She'’s gone crazy.
450
00:15:54,692 --> 00:15:57,739
No, she hasn'’t "gone crazy."
451
00:15:57,826 --> 00:16:00,046
You drove her crazy.
452
00:16:00,133 --> 00:16:03,266
You make people crazy!
453
00:16:03,353 --> 00:16:05,442
That-that'’s a little unfair.
454
00:16:05,529 --> 00:16:06,966
I mean,
I grant you that, you know,
455
00:16:07,053 --> 00:16:08,837
maybe it was a mistake
to sleep with her,
456
00:16:08,924 --> 00:16:10,534
but when a woman has five cats,
457
00:16:10,621 --> 00:16:12,754
she doesn'’t have
to be "made crazy."
458
00:16:12,841 --> 00:16:13,885
You know what? You'’re right.
459
00:16:13,973 --> 00:16:15,452
This-this-this is my fault.
460
00:16:15,539 --> 00:16:17,019
I'’m the one
who made the mistake.
461
00:16:17,106 --> 00:16:18,499
You are?
Yes.
462
00:16:18,586 --> 00:16:20,283
I mistakenly thought
that you were
463
00:16:20,370 --> 00:16:22,938
a capable,
competent human being,
464
00:16:23,025 --> 00:16:25,158
able to handle
a simple situation
465
00:16:25,245 --> 00:16:29,597
without destroying
the life of everyone around you.
466
00:16:29,684 --> 00:16:31,120
Boy, if I had a dollar
467
00:16:31,207 --> 00:16:33,296
for every time
someone has said that to me.
468
00:16:33,383 --> 00:16:35,559
But seriously, seriously,
I-I will fix this.
469
00:16:35,646 --> 00:16:37,779
[laughing]:
Oh. Great.
470
00:16:37,866 --> 00:16:39,085
You'’re gonna
fix this.
Yeah.
471
00:16:39,172 --> 00:16:40,912
I mean, why was I worried?
472
00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:42,218
Have no fear!
473
00:16:42,305 --> 00:16:43,872
Alan is here!
474
00:16:45,961 --> 00:16:47,702
Hey! Hey, everyone!
475
00:16:47,789 --> 00:16:49,182
Don'’t worry!
476
00:16:49,269 --> 00:16:50,922
Alan'’s gonna fix it!
477
00:16:52,315 --> 00:16:54,143
Sailors at sea,
478
00:16:54,230 --> 00:16:57,016
throw away your life vests!
479
00:16:57,103 --> 00:16:58,539
You don'’t need them!
480
00:16:58,626 --> 00:17:02,586
'’Cause Alan is gonna
fix everything!
481
00:17:17,210 --> 00:17:18,602
Maybe I do make people crazy.
482
00:17:21,562 --> 00:17:23,433
♪ Men.♪
483
00:17:27,481 --> 00:17:29,135
Walden?
What are you doing here?
484
00:17:29,222 --> 00:17:32,225
I am on the
"Alan Harper Apology Tour."
485
00:17:33,965 --> 00:17:35,228
Uh, but this is gonna require
486
00:17:35,315 --> 00:17:36,490
a little bit of
audience participation.
487
00:17:36,577 --> 00:17:38,666
When I say "Alan,"
you say "idiot."
488
00:17:38,753 --> 00:17:40,320
Alan.
Idiot.
489
00:17:40,407 --> 00:17:42,017
Alan.
Idiot.
490
00:17:42,104 --> 00:17:43,236
This is fun. Come in.
491
00:17:45,629 --> 00:17:47,501
Wow, this is nice.
492
00:17:47,588 --> 00:17:50,156
And it doesn'’t smell
like cat urine at all.
493
00:17:50,243 --> 00:17:51,983
So what do you want, Walden?
494
00:17:52,071 --> 00:17:53,811
I realize that Alan--
495
00:17:53,898 --> 00:17:54,812
Idiot.
496
00:17:56,727 --> 00:18:00,296
Look, I-I realize that
he can do some stupid things.
497
00:18:00,383 --> 00:18:02,646
And I'’m-I'’m sure you'’ve seen
his helicopter dance,
498
00:18:02,733 --> 00:18:04,779
where he uses his penis
as the propeller.
499
00:18:05,954 --> 00:18:07,477
Actually, I haven'’t.
500
00:18:08,609 --> 00:18:09,653
Neither have I.
501
00:18:11,481 --> 00:18:13,657
I realize how angry
you must be with him.
502
00:18:13,744 --> 00:18:15,224
But that has nothing to do
503
00:18:15,311 --> 00:18:16,791
with the kind of father
I can be to Louis.
504
00:18:16,878 --> 00:18:18,184
I know that.
505
00:18:18,271 --> 00:18:19,185
It'’s just that Alan--
506
00:18:19,272 --> 00:18:20,186
Idiot.
507
00:18:20,273 --> 00:18:21,709
Ha!
508
00:18:21,796 --> 00:18:23,319
He makes me crazy.
509
00:18:23,406 --> 00:18:24,538
I-I just said that!
510
00:18:24,625 --> 00:18:26,235
In-in fact, I hit a lifeguard
511
00:18:26,322 --> 00:18:28,716
with a patio chair saying that.
512
00:18:28,803 --> 00:18:30,718
Look, Walden,
at the end of the day,
513
00:18:30,805 --> 00:18:33,112
I'’m not gonna let my anger
prevent a child
514
00:18:33,199 --> 00:18:34,591
from being placed
in a good home.
515
00:18:34,678 --> 00:18:35,723
Thank God.
516
00:18:35,810 --> 00:18:38,508
I just... I'’ve never realized
517
00:18:38,595 --> 00:18:40,554
how much another person
can mean to me.
518
00:18:40,641 --> 00:18:42,425
That is so sweet.
519
00:18:43,992 --> 00:18:45,646
[sobbing]:
Why can'’t anybody
520
00:18:45,733 --> 00:18:47,474
ever think that about me?
521
00:18:48,953 --> 00:18:51,260
I am such
a loser!
522
00:18:51,347 --> 00:18:53,871
No, you'’re not a loser,
Ms. McMartin.
523
00:18:53,958 --> 00:18:56,004
Yes, I am!
524
00:18:56,091 --> 00:18:57,832
I thought I hit rock bottom
525
00:18:57,919 --> 00:19:01,052
by dating an old guy
who can'’t get a boner.
526
00:19:03,142 --> 00:19:06,362
It turns out, rock bottom
is getting dumped
527
00:19:06,449 --> 00:19:08,669
by the old guy
who can'’t get a boner.
528
00:19:10,714 --> 00:19:12,281
What is wrong with me?
529
00:19:12,368 --> 00:19:14,065
Nothing.
530
00:19:14,153 --> 00:19:16,546
Come on, you'’re smart
and you'’re fun...
531
00:19:16,633 --> 00:19:17,982
And, oh, by the way,
532
00:19:18,069 --> 00:19:19,723
you are way too pretty for Alan.
533
00:19:19,810 --> 00:19:21,943
Oh. [laughs]
534
00:19:22,030 --> 00:19:23,684
So are you.
535
00:19:23,771 --> 00:19:24,772
See?
536
00:19:24,859 --> 00:19:26,426
Now there'’s that smile.
537
00:19:26,513 --> 00:19:27,992
Come on,
now, now...
538
00:19:28,079 --> 00:19:29,994
any guy would be lucky
to be with you.
539
00:19:30,081 --> 00:19:31,257
Oh, you'’re just saying that.
540
00:19:31,344 --> 00:19:33,041
No, you'’re awesome.
541
00:19:33,128 --> 00:19:34,608
And what you do for a living,
helping those kids,
542
00:19:34,695 --> 00:19:35,957
changing their lives,
543
00:19:36,044 --> 00:19:37,915
putting your hand
on my leg...
544
00:19:41,310 --> 00:19:42,224
Wow.
545
00:19:42,311 --> 00:19:43,747
[giggles]
546
00:19:43,834 --> 00:19:45,749
I can'’t believe this.
547
00:19:45,836 --> 00:19:47,925
You'’re not
the only one.
548
00:19:48,012 --> 00:19:49,275
I don'’t want you to worry.
549
00:19:49,362 --> 00:19:50,972
I'’m not going to let the fact
550
00:19:51,059 --> 00:19:53,061
that we are in a relationship
affect Louis.
551
00:19:53,148 --> 00:19:55,629
Learned that lesson, am I right?
552
00:19:55,716 --> 00:19:56,934
[laughs]
553
00:19:57,021 --> 00:19:59,154
Yeah.
554
00:19:59,241 --> 00:20:01,504
Relationship.
555
00:20:01,591 --> 00:20:03,158
Okay.
556
00:20:03,245 --> 00:20:05,987
I am going
to go...
Where?
557
00:20:06,074 --> 00:20:07,771
Where are you going?
558
00:20:07,858 --> 00:20:10,470
To the bathroom.
559
00:20:10,557 --> 00:20:12,515
Oh, okay.
560
00:20:12,602 --> 00:20:13,516
[giggles]
561
00:20:13,603 --> 00:20:15,866
Hurry back.
562
00:20:15,953 --> 00:20:18,478
[singsong]:
I'’ll miss you.
563
00:20:18,565 --> 00:20:20,784
I'’ll miss you, too.
564
00:20:23,570 --> 00:20:25,702
Ooh, it'’s a little
chilly out there.
565
00:20:25,789 --> 00:20:28,139
I'’m gonna
grab my pants.
566
00:20:28,227 --> 00:20:31,752
And my car keys.
567
00:20:31,839 --> 00:20:34,102
♪ Men.♪
568
00:20:38,585 --> 00:20:40,195
♪ Take one step left
and one step right ♪
569
00:20:40,282 --> 00:20:42,676
♪ One to the front
and one to the side ♪
570
00:20:42,763 --> 00:20:45,331
♪ Clap your hands once
and clap your hands twice ♪
571
00:20:45,418 --> 00:20:47,463
Alan?♪ And if it looks like this,
then you'’re doing it right ♪
572
00:20:47,550 --> 00:20:49,335
♪ A little bit of ALAN: ♪ Lyndsey.
573
00:20:49,422 --> 00:20:51,075
♪ In my life,
a little bit of ♪
574
00:20:51,162 --> 00:20:53,382
ALAN: ♪ Lyndsey. ♪ By my side...
575
00:20:53,469 --> 00:20:54,775
♪ A little of bit of ALAN: ♪ Lyndsey.
40108
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