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1
00:00:03,220 --> 00:00:05,135
Ugh.
2
00:00:05,222 --> 00:00:06,963
How is it possible
3
00:00:07,050 --> 00:00:09,400
that kids weigh twice as
much when they'’re asleep?
4
00:00:09,487 --> 00:00:11,098
I know.
5
00:00:11,185 --> 00:00:12,969
And he should weigh less
after his little mishap
6
00:00:13,056 --> 00:00:14,579
on the spinning teacups.
7
00:00:14,666 --> 00:00:16,625
Yeah.
8
00:00:16,712 --> 00:00:18,931
Felt bad for that girl
in the Cinderella costume
9
00:00:19,019 --> 00:00:20,803
in the cup behind us.
10
00:00:20,890 --> 00:00:23,806
She was right in
the splash zone.
11
00:00:23,893 --> 00:00:25,764
[groans]
I'’m exhausted.
12
00:00:25,851 --> 00:00:27,549
Me, too.
13
00:00:27,636 --> 00:00:30,508
I'’m also sticky and dirty
and sweaty and slimy.
14
00:00:30,595 --> 00:00:33,859
I'’m like the seven dwarfs
of disgusting.
15
00:00:33,946 --> 00:00:36,471
Ugh, I should not have eaten
that funnel cake.
16
00:00:36,558 --> 00:00:37,994
[groans]
17
00:00:38,081 --> 00:00:39,691
Well, I see
your funnel cake
18
00:00:39,778 --> 00:00:43,782
and raise you a deep-fried
Snickers stuffed into a Twinkie.
19
00:00:43,869 --> 00:00:46,655
I think I blacked out briefly.
20
00:00:46,742 --> 00:00:48,657
[both groaning]
21
00:00:50,615 --> 00:00:53,314
Is being a dad always
this tiring?
22
00:00:53,401 --> 00:00:56,969
These are the best
moments of your life.
23
00:00:57,057 --> 00:00:59,711
And they are over
so fast.
24
00:00:59,798 --> 00:01:01,583
Seems like only yesterday,
25
00:01:01,670 --> 00:01:05,021
Jake was holding my hand
in the haunted house.
26
00:01:05,108 --> 00:01:08,720
Now he'’s half a world away
in the army,
27
00:01:08,807 --> 00:01:11,680
wondering if a "dishonorable
discharge" is something you get
28
00:01:11,767 --> 00:01:13,029
from a dirty geisha.
29
00:01:13,116 --> 00:01:15,031
So sweet.
30
00:01:23,083 --> 00:01:25,955
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
31
00:01:26,042 --> 00:01:28,523
♪ Ah.
♪ Men.
♪ Men.
32
00:01:33,223 --> 00:01:35,791
♪ Men.♪
33
00:01:35,878 --> 00:01:36,966
Walden?
34
00:01:37,053 --> 00:01:39,751
What?
35
00:01:41,101 --> 00:01:42,189
What do you want?
36
00:01:42,276 --> 00:01:43,625
Are you asleep?
37
00:01:43,712 --> 00:01:46,367
[whines]: Yes.
38
00:01:46,454 --> 00:01:49,718
That'’s what people do at...
39
00:01:49,805 --> 00:01:53,287
5:30 in the morning.
40
00:01:53,374 --> 00:01:55,767
Is it okay
if I can make breakfast?
41
00:01:55,854 --> 00:01:57,029
Sure.
42
00:01:57,117 --> 00:01:58,335
Thanks.
43
00:02:01,730 --> 00:02:03,384
Walden?
44
00:02:03,471 --> 00:02:06,909
Walden'’s not here,
please leave a message.
45
00:02:06,996 --> 00:02:09,172
How do you like your pancakes?
46
00:02:09,259 --> 00:02:11,174
Quietly.
47
00:02:11,261 --> 00:02:14,525
In three hours.
48
00:02:14,612 --> 00:02:16,832
With blueberries.
49
00:02:16,919 --> 00:02:18,573
Okay, I'’ll go make them.
50
00:02:22,403 --> 00:02:23,795
Oh, God.
51
00:02:23,882 --> 00:02:26,494
Flames.
52
00:02:26,581 --> 00:02:28,496
♪ Men.♪
53
00:02:28,583 --> 00:02:30,411
Walden?
54
00:02:30,498 --> 00:02:32,369
Ready or not, here I come.
55
00:02:32,456 --> 00:02:34,284
What?
56
00:02:34,371 --> 00:02:36,765
Louis and I,
we'’re playing hide and seek.
57
00:02:36,852 --> 00:02:38,593
He'’s under his bed, hiding
58
00:02:38,680 --> 00:02:41,596
and I'’m in the kitchen,
seeking sleep.
59
00:02:41,683 --> 00:02:43,250
I hear ya.
60
00:02:43,337 --> 00:02:45,904
I barely got my eight hours.
61
00:02:45,991 --> 00:02:47,776
I don'’t know
if I can handle this.
62
00:02:47,863 --> 00:02:49,778
Little boys have
a lot of energy.
63
00:02:49,865 --> 00:02:51,388
They'’re like cute
little crackheads.
64
00:02:51,475 --> 00:02:54,391
Except crackheads have
better toilet aim.
65
00:02:54,478 --> 00:02:56,741
No, no, this isn'’t about
being tired.
66
00:02:56,828 --> 00:02:59,614
I just, I don'’t know
if I'’m cut out to be a dad.
67
00:02:59,701 --> 00:03:00,963
Hey, I didn'’t think I could live
68
00:03:01,050 --> 00:03:02,269
in a Malibu beach house
for free,
69
00:03:02,356 --> 00:03:04,662
but I figured it out.
70
00:03:04,749 --> 00:03:07,317
Well, I don'’t know
if I can figure this out.
71
00:03:07,404 --> 00:03:08,971
I mean, th-this kid
has bounced around
72
00:03:09,058 --> 00:03:11,278
the foster care system
his whole life.
73
00:03:11,365 --> 00:03:13,062
I mean, I-I don'’t know
what he needs.
74
00:03:13,149 --> 00:03:14,411
I mean, does he need structure?
75
00:03:14,498 --> 00:03:15,412
Does he need freedom?
76
00:03:15,499 --> 00:03:18,372
Does he need medication?
77
00:03:18,459 --> 00:03:21,984
I should have asked that
before they dropped him off.
78
00:03:22,071 --> 00:03:24,247
All he needs is
your love and support.
79
00:03:24,334 --> 00:03:25,770
[imitates Alan mockingly]
80
00:03:25,857 --> 00:03:27,598
That'’s a bunch of crap.
81
00:03:27,685 --> 00:03:29,948
Walden, every parent goes
through this.
82
00:03:30,035 --> 00:03:31,950
B-But you'’re actually
doing a great job.
83
00:03:32,037 --> 00:03:34,953
You'’re just overwhelmed
because this is all so new,
84
00:03:35,040 --> 00:03:37,304
a-and you'’re trying to be
everything to him all the time.
85
00:03:37,391 --> 00:03:38,957
You know, full-time dad,
full-time playmate.
86
00:03:39,044 --> 00:03:40,481
You have to give
yourself a break.
87
00:03:40,568 --> 00:03:41,482
How?
88
00:03:41,569 --> 00:03:42,831
He'’s 24-7.
89
00:03:42,918 --> 00:03:45,529
He'’s like the Energizer bunny.
90
00:03:45,616 --> 00:03:47,836
You know why you never met
the Energizer bunny'’s dad?
91
00:03:47,923 --> 00:03:50,012
'’Cause one night,
he went out for cigarettes,
92
00:03:50,099 --> 00:03:53,537
and he just kept going
and going and going.
93
00:03:53,624 --> 00:03:56,714
One thing that'’ll help
is getting Louis some friends.
94
00:03:56,801 --> 00:03:58,325
Playdates.
95
00:03:58,412 --> 00:03:59,761
They chase each other
around for hours,
96
00:03:59,848 --> 00:04:01,763
eventually they pass out
like work dogs.
97
00:04:01,850 --> 00:04:04,113
Kid'’ll be in
bed by 8:00,
98
00:04:04,200 --> 00:04:05,767
then it'’s you, me,
a bowl of popcorn
99
00:04:05,854 --> 00:04:07,812
and binge-watching
The Good Wife.
100
00:04:07,899 --> 00:04:09,510
Okay, so what?
101
00:04:09,597 --> 00:04:11,468
So, I just...
I'’ll just Google a place
102
00:04:11,555 --> 00:04:13,644
to meet a fun
cute six-year-old.
103
00:04:13,731 --> 00:04:15,124
Oh, yeah. No.
104
00:04:15,211 --> 00:04:17,779
I heard it when I said it.
105
00:04:17,866 --> 00:04:20,434
♪ Men.♪
106
00:04:20,521 --> 00:04:22,131
Uh, this place
is awesome.
107
00:04:22,218 --> 00:04:24,176
They have a rock wall.
108
00:04:24,264 --> 00:04:26,048
Will you climb it with me?
109
00:04:26,135 --> 00:04:29,530
Oh, buddy, you know, the whole
idea is for you to come here
110
00:04:29,617 --> 00:04:31,009
and meet all these
other kids.
111
00:04:31,096 --> 00:04:32,315
No, just you and me.
112
00:04:32,402 --> 00:04:33,316
Please?
113
00:04:33,403 --> 00:04:34,448
Oh.
114
00:04:34,535 --> 00:04:36,885
All right,
I mean, come on.
115
00:04:36,972 --> 00:04:39,583
How do you say no to those eyes?I hear ya.
116
00:04:39,670 --> 00:04:41,585
Oh, uh, hey, can I have
some money for the snack bar?
117
00:04:41,672 --> 00:04:43,631
Please?
No.
118
00:04:43,718 --> 00:04:45,589
It'’s not my fault you already
spent all your allowance.
119
00:04:52,422 --> 00:04:54,032
Room for one more?
120
00:04:54,119 --> 00:04:55,207
Absolutely.
121
00:04:55,295 --> 00:04:56,774
Care for a juice box?
122
00:04:56,861 --> 00:04:59,342
We have cherry, grape
and Chardonnay.
123
00:04:59,429 --> 00:05:02,867
Well, what else can I say
except, "chardonn-yay."
124
00:05:02,954 --> 00:05:05,174
Uh, I am Alan.
125
00:05:05,261 --> 00:05:07,219
Uh, that'’s Louis over there,
he'’s mine.
126
00:05:07,307 --> 00:05:09,744
I'’m Danielle, and that'’s
my daughter in the water wings.
127
00:05:09,831 --> 00:05:11,876
Oh, is there a pool here?No.
128
00:05:11,963 --> 00:05:14,183
At some point,
you just pick your battles.
129
00:05:15,489 --> 00:05:17,142
I'’m Laurel, this is Julie.
130
00:05:18,753 --> 00:05:21,103
Oh, hot dad on the rock wall.
131
00:05:21,190 --> 00:05:23,932
I claim this
as Mount Louis!
132
00:05:25,586 --> 00:05:26,891
Wow, he'’s really cute.
133
00:05:26,978 --> 00:05:28,066
Big time.
134
00:05:28,153 --> 00:05:29,329
Sorry, ladies.
135
00:05:29,416 --> 00:05:30,547
He'’s taken.
136
00:05:30,634 --> 00:05:32,201
No kidding?
Good for you.
137
00:05:32,288 --> 00:05:34,203
How'’d you snag him?
138
00:05:34,290 --> 00:05:37,337
I met him at a low point in his
life, and I took care of him.
139
00:05:37,424 --> 00:05:39,251
And he'’s been taking care
of me every day since.
140
00:05:39,339 --> 00:05:41,732
[oohing, giggling]
141
00:05:41,819 --> 00:05:43,560
That'’s the kind of man I need.
142
00:05:43,647 --> 00:05:45,519
No, that'’s the kind
of man I need.
143
00:05:45,606 --> 00:05:46,694
You'’re married.
144
00:05:46,781 --> 00:05:48,391
Yeah, to Roger.
145
00:05:48,478 --> 00:05:50,350
He hasn'’t screwed me
since the prenup.
146
00:05:50,437 --> 00:05:52,308
BOTH:
Classic Julie.
147
00:05:52,395 --> 00:05:55,790
Oh, this is so Sex and the City
right now.
148
00:05:55,877 --> 00:05:57,966
Alan, do we
have any wipes?
149
00:05:58,053 --> 00:06:00,229
The kid above me dripped
something on my face.
150
00:06:00,316 --> 00:06:02,449
The best-case scenario is snot.
151
00:06:02,536 --> 00:06:03,798
Here, I'’ve got some.
152
00:06:03,885 --> 00:06:05,756
Oh, thank you.
153
00:06:05,843 --> 00:06:08,063
Walden, this is, uh,
Laurel, Danielle and Julie.
154
00:06:08,150 --> 00:06:09,630
The ladies, the gals.
155
00:06:09,717 --> 00:06:11,371
The juice box heroes.
156
00:06:11,458 --> 00:06:12,284
Hi.
157
00:06:12,372 --> 00:06:13,285
Hello.
158
00:06:13,373 --> 00:06:14,765
Hi, nice to meet you all.
159
00:06:14,852 --> 00:06:16,114
Your son is adorable.
160
00:06:16,201 --> 00:06:18,987
I'’m his husband, silly.
161
00:06:19,074 --> 00:06:20,467
So, uh, which one'’s yours?
162
00:06:20,554 --> 00:06:21,772
My daughter, Lily,
163
00:06:21,859 --> 00:06:23,426
is the one licking
that little boy.
164
00:06:23,513 --> 00:06:25,950
Sweetie, we don'’t
lick strangers!
165
00:06:26,037 --> 00:06:28,300
Oh, and I thought
we were gonna be friends.
166
00:06:28,388 --> 00:06:29,737
All right.
167
00:06:29,824 --> 00:06:32,261
I'’m headed to the ball pit.
168
00:06:32,348 --> 00:06:35,220
Same thing he said as he dove
under the covers last night.
169
00:06:35,307 --> 00:06:36,396
Boing.
170
00:06:38,876 --> 00:06:41,009
♪ Men.♪
171
00:06:41,096 --> 00:06:42,793
Thanks for having us.
172
00:06:42,880 --> 00:06:45,796
I got to say, this is a
great spot for a playdate.
173
00:06:45,883 --> 00:06:47,450
This view is amazing.
174
00:06:47,537 --> 00:06:50,671
Yes. Yes, it is.
175
00:06:50,758 --> 00:06:52,673
You know, I used to walk
by houses like this
176
00:06:52,760 --> 00:06:54,501
and think the people
on the decks were just looking
177
00:06:54,588 --> 00:06:57,155
down their noses at everyone,
feeling all superior.
178
00:06:57,242 --> 00:06:58,635
Now I know it'’s true.
179
00:07:00,028 --> 00:07:01,333
Roger sold our beach house
180
00:07:01,421 --> 00:07:02,944
'’cause he said we never used it.
181
00:07:03,031 --> 00:07:05,512
Using that logic,
we should sell his penis.
182
00:07:05,599 --> 00:07:07,514
[laughs]
183
00:07:07,601 --> 00:07:09,559
Classic Julie.
184
00:07:09,646 --> 00:07:11,474
Hey, w-we should make
this a regular thing.
185
00:07:11,561 --> 00:07:13,389
[thudding, shattering]
186
00:07:13,476 --> 00:07:15,826
Oh. Yeah, next time we'’ll
do it at one of your houses.
187
00:07:17,306 --> 00:07:19,177
Hey, uh, Louis, is
everything okay?
188
00:07:19,264 --> 00:07:20,701
Over.
189
00:07:20,788 --> 00:07:23,704
LOUIS:
Lego tower fell over.
190
00:07:23,791 --> 00:07:25,357
Uh, you didn'’t
say "over."
191
00:07:25,445 --> 00:07:27,055
Over.
192
00:07:27,142 --> 00:07:29,013
I said the Lego tower fell over.
193
00:07:29,100 --> 00:07:30,362
Over.
194
00:07:30,450 --> 00:07:32,843
You'’re so good
with him. Over.
195
00:07:32,930 --> 00:07:36,499
Actually, I-I feel like I
have no idea what I'’m doing.
196
00:07:36,586 --> 00:07:37,848
Join the club.
197
00:07:37,935 --> 00:07:39,676
Parenting'’s
like a yoga class.
198
00:07:39,763 --> 00:07:41,373
You just do what
everybody else is doing
199
00:07:41,461 --> 00:07:42,984
and try not to laugh
when someone farts.
200
00:07:46,117 --> 00:07:48,903
Okay, so all the kids are
playing in Louis'’ room.
201
00:07:48,990 --> 00:07:50,861
Well, technically, three
of them are playing together,
202
00:07:50,948 --> 00:07:53,037
and Louis is in the corner,
coloring by himself.
203
00:07:53,124 --> 00:07:54,604
That'’s perfectly normal.
204
00:07:54,691 --> 00:07:56,650
The parenting books call it
"parallel play."
205
00:07:56,737 --> 00:07:58,521
Oh, that'’s good
to know.
206
00:07:58,608 --> 00:08:00,436
So, in high school,
I wasn'’t such a weirdo.
207
00:08:00,523 --> 00:08:03,483
I was just a parallel player.
208
00:08:03,570 --> 00:08:06,181
My sex life with my first wife
was a lot of parallel play.
209
00:08:07,269 --> 00:08:08,575
Just give Louis time.
210
00:08:08,662 --> 00:08:10,054
Remember, this is
all new for him.
211
00:08:10,141 --> 00:08:11,926
Kind of like
learning on my honeymoon
212
00:08:12,013 --> 00:08:14,232
that I wasn'’t going to have sex
was all new for me.
213
00:08:14,319 --> 00:08:16,104
You know, I just want him
to have friends.
214
00:08:16,191 --> 00:08:18,367
You know, like a couple girls,
and a couple boys.
215
00:08:18,454 --> 00:08:20,064
He'’s gonna be fine.
216
00:08:20,151 --> 00:08:21,979
In the meantime,
Ihave made some friends
217
00:08:22,066 --> 00:08:24,634
who have welcomed me
into the secret world of women.
218
00:08:24,721 --> 00:08:26,462
I am this close to discovering
everything about them.
219
00:08:26,549 --> 00:08:28,725
What they like, what
they don'’t like.
220
00:08:28,812 --> 00:08:31,119
And where they don'’t like it.
221
00:08:31,206 --> 00:08:33,774
We'’re supposed to be here
helping Louis make friends.
222
00:08:33,861 --> 00:08:35,819
Oh, please, I see
how you look at Laurel.
223
00:08:35,906 --> 00:08:38,430
It'’s the same way I look at
a five dollar bill in a tip jar
224
00:08:38,518 --> 00:08:40,128
I think I can swap out
for a single.
225
00:08:40,215 --> 00:08:42,130
Okay, what are you
talking about?
226
00:08:42,217 --> 00:08:44,306
That is Louis'’
friend'’s mom.
227
00:08:44,393 --> 00:08:46,482
And, yes,
we get along great.
228
00:08:46,569 --> 00:08:48,310
And, yes,
she'’s pretty and nice.
229
00:08:48,397 --> 00:08:50,442
And, yes, she used to be
a gymnast and can still
230
00:08:50,530 --> 00:08:51,618
put her legs
behind her head.
231
00:08:51,705 --> 00:08:53,228
And she is out there.
232
00:08:53,315 --> 00:08:55,839
So why am I still standing here,
talking to you?
233
00:08:55,926 --> 00:08:58,755
I can put my legs behind my
head, but you'’ll never see it.
234
00:09:01,105 --> 00:09:03,064
♪ Men.♪
235
00:09:03,151 --> 00:09:04,544
He was a really
nice guy,
Mm-hmm.
236
00:09:04,631 --> 00:09:05,980
and I liked hanging
out with him,
237
00:09:06,067 --> 00:09:07,416
but when we got
to the bedroom,
238
00:09:07,503 --> 00:09:09,461
he was just, well...
239
00:09:09,549 --> 00:09:12,552
If he were a candy bar,
he'’d be the fun size.
240
00:09:12,639 --> 00:09:14,554
There'’s nothing fun
about that.
241
00:09:14,641 --> 00:09:18,079
Yeah, nothing worse
than a small penis.
242
00:09:18,166 --> 00:09:20,037
But, seriously, how
small is too small?
243
00:09:21,386 --> 00:09:22,823
Alan, you are a riot.
244
00:09:22,910 --> 00:09:24,825
We should hang out
with you more often.
245
00:09:24,912 --> 00:09:27,001
Hey, what do you
say, we all go out
246
00:09:27,088 --> 00:09:28,350
this Saturday for
a girls night?
247
00:09:28,437 --> 00:09:30,265
You know, get a limo,
go out dancing,
248
00:09:30,352 --> 00:09:31,919
wear our sluttiest outfits.
249
00:09:32,006 --> 00:09:34,356
Julie, you can wear what
you'’re wearing now.
250
00:09:34,443 --> 00:09:36,967
Uh, I'’m bad.
251
00:09:37,054 --> 00:09:38,578
Should we go check
on the kids?
252
00:09:38,665 --> 00:09:40,797
Are you kidding?
253
00:09:40,884 --> 00:09:43,452
They'’re set up with pizza,
popsicles and The Lego Movie.
254
00:09:43,539 --> 00:09:44,801
For the next two hours,
255
00:09:44,888 --> 00:09:46,716
♪ Everything is awesome.
256
00:09:46,803 --> 00:09:49,719
Yeah, I'’ve seen that
movie, like, five times.
257
00:09:49,806 --> 00:09:51,982
I should really watch it
with Louis at some point.
258
00:09:52,069 --> 00:09:53,593
I haven'’t seen a movie
259
00:09:53,680 --> 00:09:56,160
that wasn'’t for a kid
in forever.
260
00:09:56,247 --> 00:09:58,162
The other night
I actually had a sex dream
261
00:09:58,249 --> 00:09:59,686
about an animated character.
262
00:09:59,773 --> 00:10:02,166
Whoa...
263
00:10:02,253 --> 00:10:03,211
Prince Charming?
264
00:10:03,298 --> 00:10:05,909
The old guy from Up.
265
00:10:08,303 --> 00:10:11,262
And, sadly, it was the only sex
I'’ve had in two years.
266
00:10:11,349 --> 00:10:13,613
Well, if it meant a
whole night'’s sleep,
267
00:10:13,700 --> 00:10:17,268
I'’d have sex with an
animated Ed Asner, too.
268
00:10:17,355 --> 00:10:18,748
You think you'’re tired now.
269
00:10:18,835 --> 00:10:20,794
You missed the hardest years.
270
00:10:20,881 --> 00:10:23,971
The-the... the picky eating,
the tantrums, the bed-wetting.
271
00:10:24,058 --> 00:10:26,974
Okay, to be fair, I get
all of that with Alan.
272
00:10:28,715 --> 00:10:30,934
You guys are a great team.Hmm.
273
00:10:31,021 --> 00:10:32,544
The only thing
my ex would help with
274
00:10:32,632 --> 00:10:34,546
was driving the babysitter home.
275
00:10:34,634 --> 00:10:36,200
She'’d have the kids
in bed by 8:00
276
00:10:36,287 --> 00:10:38,202
and my husband in bed by 10:00.
277
00:10:38,289 --> 00:10:40,944
Oh... that'’s horrible.
278
00:10:41,031 --> 00:10:42,598
Is she a good sitter?
'’Cause we'’re looking.
279
00:10:42,685 --> 00:10:44,556
Sorry.
280
00:10:44,644 --> 00:10:47,255
Without that jerk of an ex,
281
00:10:47,342 --> 00:10:49,039
I wouldn'’t have Lily,
282
00:10:49,126 --> 00:10:51,259
and even at six years old,
she'’s my best friend.
283
00:10:51,346 --> 00:10:53,522
I hope I get there
with Louis at some point.
284
00:10:53,609 --> 00:10:54,958
You'’ll get there.
285
00:10:55,045 --> 00:10:56,699
I hope I stay there with Lily.
286
00:10:56,786 --> 00:10:58,570
I'’m afraid that by the time
she'’s a teenager,
287
00:10:58,658 --> 00:11:00,094
she'’ll be like,
"Mom, you'’re 100!
288
00:11:00,181 --> 00:11:02,139
Nobody believes
I'’m your sister!"
289
00:11:02,226 --> 00:11:04,185
Okay, how could anyone say that
290
00:11:04,272 --> 00:11:07,579
about someone as pretty,
smart and flexible as you?
291
00:11:07,667 --> 00:11:09,277
[laughs]
292
00:11:09,364 --> 00:11:10,800
You'’re so sweet.
293
00:11:10,887 --> 00:11:12,541
You don'’t happen to know
294
00:11:12,628 --> 00:11:15,283
of a single, straight version
of you, do you?
295
00:11:15,370 --> 00:11:17,938
I used to know one.
296
00:11:18,025 --> 00:11:19,983
Are you looking for a date?
297
00:11:20,070 --> 00:11:22,333
I told you,
it'’s been over two years.
298
00:11:22,420 --> 00:11:24,292
I need a lot more than a date.
299
00:11:31,038 --> 00:11:32,996
♪ Popsicles are awesome!
300
00:11:34,737 --> 00:11:37,174
Okay, I'’m gonna go
check on the kids.
301
00:11:37,261 --> 00:11:40,047
I'’m gonna wait
here for a bit.
302
00:11:40,134 --> 00:11:41,613
♪ Men.♪
303
00:11:46,357 --> 00:11:47,532
♪ Men.♪
304
00:11:47,619 --> 00:11:48,795
Hope you are ready to go.
305
00:11:48,882 --> 00:11:49,883
The ladies just Instagrammed
306
00:11:49,970 --> 00:11:51,275
a selfie
from the limo.
307
00:11:51,362 --> 00:11:54,322
#GirlsNightOut
is on like Chaka Khan!
308
00:11:54,409 --> 00:11:56,672
All right, Louis
is eating his dinner.
309
00:11:56,759 --> 00:11:58,326
WALDEN:
Oh, great.
310
00:11:58,413 --> 00:12:00,894
Hey, thank you again
for watching him tonight.
311
00:12:00,981 --> 00:12:02,460
And if anything
comes up--
312
00:12:02,547 --> 00:12:04,201
and I mean anything at all--
you call my cell.
313
00:12:04,288 --> 00:12:05,420
Got it.
314
00:12:05,507 --> 00:12:07,161
Oh, if he wants to play a game,
315
00:12:07,248 --> 00:12:08,684
he likes Chutes and Ladders.
316
00:12:08,771 --> 00:12:10,077
And if he want
to watch a cartoon,
317
00:12:10,164 --> 00:12:11,948
he likes Phineas and Ferb.
318
00:12:12,035 --> 00:12:14,777
And who does he like in the
Cardinals-Rams game tonight?
319
00:12:14,864 --> 00:12:16,561
I know I'’m being
a little bit crazy,
320
00:12:16,648 --> 00:12:18,346
but this is the first time
I'’ve left him alone.
321
00:12:18,433 --> 00:12:20,783
Relax, I had five kids,
322
00:12:20,870 --> 00:12:23,568
12 grandkids and
four great-grandkids.
323
00:12:23,655 --> 00:12:25,875
I'’ve done it all.
324
00:12:25,962 --> 00:12:29,444
Except teach them
about birth control.
325
00:12:29,531 --> 00:12:31,489
I don'’t feel good.
326
00:12:31,576 --> 00:12:33,317
Oh, no.
What'’s the matter?
327
00:12:33,404 --> 00:12:34,797
I just threw up.
328
00:12:34,884 --> 00:12:37,365
Oh, no.
Oh... yep.
329
00:12:37,452 --> 00:12:39,280
He'’s got a fever.[sighs]
330
00:12:39,367 --> 00:12:41,151
I'’ll bet it was
that snot-nosed kid
on the rock wall.
331
00:12:41,238 --> 00:12:43,197
Typhoid Tyler.Yeah.
332
00:12:43,284 --> 00:12:44,633
I got this.
333
00:12:44,720 --> 00:12:47,288
I worked for Charlie
for ten years.
334
00:12:47,375 --> 00:12:49,856
I know vomit.
335
00:12:49,943 --> 00:12:53,120
Cleaning it up
and inducing it.
336
00:12:53,207 --> 00:12:55,600
I never threw up
SpaghettiOs before.
337
00:12:55,687 --> 00:12:57,298
It'’s kind of fun.
Oh...
338
00:12:57,385 --> 00:12:58,647
[Berta laughs]
339
00:12:58,734 --> 00:13:00,214
Should we go
to the doctor?
340
00:13:00,301 --> 00:13:02,216
Oh, no, no. I'’m sure
it'’s just a tummy ache.
341
00:13:02,303 --> 00:13:04,392
I'’ll text the girls
and let '’em know
we can'’t make it.
342
00:13:04,479 --> 00:13:06,133
Oh, no. Come on.
You go.
343
00:13:06,220 --> 00:13:07,743
You sure?
344
00:13:07,830 --> 00:13:09,832
Yeah, come on, this is
what a parent does.
345
00:13:09,919 --> 00:13:11,138
This is what I
signed up for.
346
00:13:11,225 --> 00:13:12,226
Besides, you took
a half an hour
347
00:13:12,313 --> 00:13:13,793
getting into
those Spanx.
348
00:13:15,229 --> 00:13:17,057
All right. Sorry.
349
00:13:17,144 --> 00:13:18,928
Um... I'’ll send
pictures.
350
00:13:19,015 --> 00:13:20,321
Danielle said that
if I get her drunk enough
351
00:13:20,408 --> 00:13:22,149
she'’ll show me her tattoos.
352
00:13:22,236 --> 00:13:25,065
Uh, she'’s got a bird on her hand
and two in her...
353
00:13:25,152 --> 00:13:27,981
♪ Men.♪
354
00:13:28,068 --> 00:13:29,634
Walden...
355
00:13:29,721 --> 00:13:31,245
I'’m sorry I got sick.
356
00:13:31,332 --> 00:13:32,637
What? Come on, man.
357
00:13:32,724 --> 00:13:33,638
Don'’t be sorry.
358
00:13:33,725 --> 00:13:35,075
It happens.
359
00:13:35,162 --> 00:13:36,641
I'’msorry you don'’t feel well.
360
00:13:36,728 --> 00:13:38,339
But you were going
to go out with Alan
361
00:13:38,426 --> 00:13:39,906
and now you can'’t '’cause of me.
362
00:13:39,993 --> 00:13:41,951
Oh, I'’m not missing anything.
363
00:13:42,038 --> 00:13:43,910
You ever seen Alan dance?
364
00:13:46,477 --> 00:13:47,435
All right.
365
00:13:47,522 --> 00:13:48,784
Now, you get some good sleep
366
00:13:48,871 --> 00:13:50,699
and I'’m gonna be right here
367
00:13:50,786 --> 00:13:52,266
if you need anything.
368
00:13:52,353 --> 00:13:53,963
Oh, and you know
who else'’ll be here?
369
00:13:54,050 --> 00:13:55,573
Your new friend,
"Barfy the Bucket."
370
00:13:57,488 --> 00:13:59,055
[high-pitched voice]:
♪ I'’m here for you ♪
371
00:13:59,142 --> 00:14:01,579
♪ If you'’re ready to spew! ♪
372
00:14:01,666 --> 00:14:03,625
[laughs]
373
00:14:03,712 --> 00:14:05,105
♪ Men.♪
374
00:14:05,192 --> 00:14:07,063
[doorbell rings]
375
00:14:11,502 --> 00:14:12,416
Hey.
376
00:14:12,503 --> 00:14:13,722
Laurel.
377
00:14:13,809 --> 00:14:14,941
What are you
doing here?
378
00:14:15,028 --> 00:14:16,203
I bailed.
379
00:14:16,290 --> 00:14:17,769
Didn'’t Alan tell you?
380
00:14:17,857 --> 00:14:19,467
No, the only
thing I got
381
00:14:19,554 --> 00:14:21,077
was a picture of
Alan twerking.
382
00:14:23,079 --> 00:14:27,475
With a caption that said,
"Alan got his groove back."
383
00:14:27,562 --> 00:14:29,651
Well, when I heard
that Louis was sick,
384
00:14:29,738 --> 00:14:31,131
I thought you could
use some help.
385
00:14:31,218 --> 00:14:32,306
And soup.
386
00:14:32,393 --> 00:14:33,698
Come on, that
is so sweet.
387
00:14:33,785 --> 00:14:35,483
You did not
have to do this.
388
00:14:35,570 --> 00:14:38,007
You look amazing.
Oh, thanks.
389
00:14:38,094 --> 00:14:39,530
Well, I already had
the sitter, and...
390
00:14:39,617 --> 00:14:42,620
first rule of parenting:
Never cancel the sitter.
391
00:14:42,707 --> 00:14:44,535
Well, unless she'’s banging
your husband.
392
00:14:46,233 --> 00:14:47,060
Too far?
393
00:14:47,147 --> 00:14:48,800
No, uh, "too far"
394
00:14:48,888 --> 00:14:50,715
was starting a Facebook page
395
00:14:50,802 --> 00:14:53,631
called "Tiffany Jones is a
Husband-Stealing Little Bitch."
396
00:14:55,546 --> 00:14:58,158
Uh, do you know what Louis has?
397
00:14:58,245 --> 00:14:59,768
Uh, well, I went on the Internet
398
00:14:59,855 --> 00:15:01,988
and I'’ve narrowed it down
to either the flu,
399
00:15:02,075 --> 00:15:05,034
rickets
or early-onset menopause.
400
00:15:05,121 --> 00:15:06,470
Second rule of parenting:
401
00:15:06,557 --> 00:15:07,994
Never consult the Internet.
402
00:15:08,081 --> 00:15:09,517
[chuckles]How'’s he doing now?
403
00:15:09,604 --> 00:15:11,345
Well, he'’s asleep
404
00:15:11,432 --> 00:15:12,650
and he'’s doing
pretty well.
405
00:15:12,737 --> 00:15:14,304
Oh, good, because...
406
00:15:14,391 --> 00:15:16,437
I brought this for us.
407
00:15:16,524 --> 00:15:17,873
Oh...
408
00:15:17,960 --> 00:15:19,831
You know,
third rule of parenting:
409
00:15:19,919 --> 00:15:22,486
Kids aren'’t the only ones
that can drink from a bottle.
410
00:15:22,573 --> 00:15:24,706
♪ Men.♪
411
00:15:24,793 --> 00:15:26,360
♪ Oh, yes, it'’s ladies'’ night ♪
412
00:15:26,447 --> 00:15:28,623
♪ And the feeling'’s right ♪
413
00:15:28,710 --> 00:15:31,191
♪ Oh, yes, it'’s ladies'’ night,
oh, what a night ♪
414
00:15:31,278 --> 00:15:33,671
[deep voice]:
♪ Oh, what a night.
415
00:15:33,758 --> 00:15:35,499
[whooping]
416
00:15:35,586 --> 00:15:37,197
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Easy, there.
417
00:15:37,284 --> 00:15:38,894
I pour strong
when the alcohol'’s free.
418
00:15:38,981 --> 00:15:40,330
I have to cram a lot of fun
419
00:15:40,417 --> 00:15:41,766
into a short amount of time.ALAN:
Mmm.
420
00:15:41,853 --> 00:15:43,377
Kind of like sex with Roger.
421
00:15:43,464 --> 00:15:44,595
[women laughing]
422
00:15:44,682 --> 00:15:45,988
What is it with guys
423
00:15:46,075 --> 00:15:47,555
and their constant need for sex?
424
00:15:47,642 --> 00:15:49,644
Look at Alan here.
He'’s out with two women,
425
00:15:49,731 --> 00:15:51,515
but I bet even he
wants sex right now.
426
00:15:51,602 --> 00:15:53,735
I do. I really do.
427
00:15:53,822 --> 00:15:54,997
Oh, my God!
Let'’s dance!
428
00:15:55,084 --> 00:15:56,129
[whoops]
429
00:15:56,216 --> 00:15:57,521
[both whooping]
430
00:15:57,608 --> 00:15:59,132
♪
431
00:15:59,219 --> 00:16:00,568
Come up here, Alan!
432
00:16:00,655 --> 00:16:02,526
No, I-I'’m good down here.
433
00:16:04,137 --> 00:16:05,355
Well, he'’s still asleep
434
00:16:05,442 --> 00:16:07,140
and he feels cooler,
435
00:16:07,227 --> 00:16:08,924
but now I'’m worried that
he might have hypothermia.
436
00:16:09,011 --> 00:16:10,360
Yeah.
437
00:16:10,447 --> 00:16:12,014
You know, one of
the hardest lessons
438
00:16:12,101 --> 00:16:13,624
I'’ve had to learn as a parent
is sometimes
439
00:16:13,711 --> 00:16:15,104
you just
gotta relax.
440
00:16:15,191 --> 00:16:16,149
[laughing]:
Relax?
441
00:16:16,236 --> 00:16:17,541
All I do is worry.
442
00:16:17,628 --> 00:16:18,716
And now that
I don'’t sleep,
443
00:16:18,803 --> 00:16:20,283
I have plenty
of time to do it.
444
00:16:20,370 --> 00:16:22,285
Is he exercising enough?
445
00:16:22,372 --> 00:16:24,418
Is he eating right?
Does he even want to stay here?
446
00:16:24,505 --> 00:16:27,160
I mean, this is the most
terrifying thing I'’ve ever done.
447
00:16:27,247 --> 00:16:29,597
And-- this is scarier than
when I bought the big iPhone
448
00:16:29,684 --> 00:16:31,555
and I didn'’t know
if it would fit in my pocket.
449
00:16:31,642 --> 00:16:33,340
[laughs]
450
00:16:35,864 --> 00:16:36,996
You think
you'’re scared?
451
00:16:37,083 --> 00:16:38,649
I have a daughter.
452
00:16:38,736 --> 00:16:40,564
I worry about
all the same things you do,
453
00:16:40,651 --> 00:16:42,131
plus penises.
454
00:16:42,218 --> 00:16:43,828
And with you,
455
00:16:43,915 --> 00:16:45,656
you have to worry
about animated penises.
456
00:16:47,702 --> 00:16:49,225
I should have never
told you that.
457
00:16:49,312 --> 00:16:51,184
You should never
tell anyone that.
458
00:16:51,271 --> 00:16:53,708
All right, all right.
What-what'’s your next date?
459
00:16:53,795 --> 00:16:54,926
Shrek?
460
00:16:56,580 --> 00:16:58,626
No, no, no.
The-the genie from Aladdin.
461
00:16:58,713 --> 00:17:00,106
Or-or maybe you'’ll
have a three-way
462
00:17:00,193 --> 00:17:02,195
with the Hakuna Matata guys?
463
00:17:03,848 --> 00:17:05,111
Shut up.
464
00:17:05,198 --> 00:17:06,112
Make me.
465
00:17:06,199 --> 00:17:08,592
I could make you.
466
00:17:08,679 --> 00:17:10,420
Oh, yeah?
467
00:17:10,507 --> 00:17:11,639
Mm-hmm.
468
00:17:11,726 --> 00:17:13,249
I'’m right here.
469
00:17:19,429 --> 00:17:21,953
I'’m so sorry.
What? Why?
470
00:17:24,565 --> 00:17:26,349
You'’re married.
471
00:17:26,436 --> 00:17:28,482
To a man.
Oh...
472
00:17:28,569 --> 00:17:29,483
That. Uh...
473
00:17:29,570 --> 00:17:31,006
I should go.
474
00:17:31,093 --> 00:17:33,313
No, no, no, no.
No, no, wait, wait, wait, wait.
475
00:17:33,400 --> 00:17:35,967
Here'’s... okay, the thing
about my marriage is...
476
00:17:36,055 --> 00:17:37,708
I'’m not gay.
477
00:17:37,795 --> 00:17:39,710
Does Alan know?
478
00:17:41,147 --> 00:17:43,192
His brain knows,
479
00:17:43,279 --> 00:17:46,239
but his heart may not.
480
00:17:46,326 --> 00:17:47,501
Here-here-here,
here'’s the thing.
481
00:17:47,588 --> 00:17:48,850
Here'’s the thing:
Alan is...
482
00:17:48,937 --> 00:17:50,156
he'’s my best
friend, okay?
483
00:17:50,243 --> 00:17:51,722
And-and he married me
as a favor
484
00:17:51,809 --> 00:17:53,855
so it would be easier
to adopt Louis.
485
00:17:53,942 --> 00:17:55,335
Okay? And-and...
486
00:17:55,422 --> 00:17:57,032
Well, I mean...
the fact that you
487
00:17:57,119 --> 00:17:58,512
married your
best friend
488
00:17:58,599 --> 00:18:00,862
so that you could
adopt Louis is..
489
00:18:00,949 --> 00:18:03,212
actually
very sweet.
490
00:18:03,299 --> 00:18:05,649
So...
491
00:18:08,304 --> 00:18:10,176
...you'’re not
mad at me?
492
00:18:10,263 --> 00:18:12,439
Hakuna matata.
493
00:18:14,267 --> 00:18:16,834
That'’s my philosophy.
494
00:18:19,576 --> 00:18:21,535
So...
495
00:18:23,189 --> 00:18:24,886
...can we kiss again?
Yeah.
496
00:18:27,193 --> 00:18:29,717
It'’s been so long since
I'’ve kissed a man.
Oh...
497
00:18:29,804 --> 00:18:31,632
I wish I could say
the same thing.
498
00:18:33,286 --> 00:18:35,897
Julie, your boobs look
great in that blouse.
499
00:18:35,984 --> 00:18:37,333
I am so jealous.
500
00:18:37,420 --> 00:18:38,856
Thanks to my kids,
501
00:18:38,943 --> 00:18:41,555
mine went from 34B
to 34 "used to be."
502
00:18:41,642 --> 00:18:43,209
I like your boobs.
503
00:18:43,296 --> 00:18:44,210
I don'’t know.
504
00:18:44,297 --> 00:18:45,385
What do you think, Alan,
505
00:18:45,472 --> 00:18:46,734
should I get '’em done?
506
00:18:46,821 --> 00:18:48,170
Oh, well, I'’m no expert.
507
00:18:48,257 --> 00:18:49,389
I-I think they'’re lovely.
508
00:18:49,476 --> 00:18:50,651
Are you sure?
509
00:18:50,738 --> 00:18:51,695
Oh, my!
510
00:18:51,782 --> 00:18:53,828
You just did that.
511
00:18:53,915 --> 00:18:56,091
Um, you guys, I-I think there'’s
something I should tell you...
512
00:18:56,178 --> 00:18:57,223
He has nothing
to compare them with.
513
00:18:57,310 --> 00:18:58,180
Here.
514
00:19:01,140 --> 00:19:03,707
You guys are my best friends.
515
00:19:03,794 --> 00:19:04,882
Aw!
Aw!
516
00:19:04,969 --> 00:19:06,928
Okay, okay.
517
00:19:07,015 --> 00:19:09,278
I-I know you haven'’t
done this in a while,
518
00:19:09,365 --> 00:19:11,280
so I don'’t want
to go too fast,
519
00:19:11,367 --> 00:19:12,716
but do you want
to go up to my...
520
00:19:12,803 --> 00:19:13,587
Let'’s go.
521
00:19:13,674 --> 00:19:15,937
Oh.
522
00:19:16,024 --> 00:19:18,722
LOUIS [over walkie-talkie]:
Walden?
523
00:19:18,809 --> 00:19:20,071
Can you come here?
524
00:19:21,986 --> 00:19:23,727
He didn'’t say "over,"
so it doesn'’t count.
525
00:19:25,338 --> 00:19:27,340
Oh, go check on him.
It'’s fine.
526
00:19:27,427 --> 00:19:30,038
I'’ve waited for two years,
I can wait a little bit longer.
527
00:19:30,125 --> 00:19:32,954
Thank you.
528
00:19:33,041 --> 00:19:35,957
Oh. Don'’t start without me.
529
00:19:36,044 --> 00:19:37,741
Or do.
530
00:19:37,828 --> 00:19:40,004
Oh, uh, by the way,
if you want to stay in the mood,
531
00:19:40,091 --> 00:19:41,963
we get all the cartoon channels.
532
00:19:44,705 --> 00:19:46,576
♪ Men.♪
533
00:19:58,849 --> 00:20:00,242
Walden?
534
00:20:09,904 --> 00:20:11,471
Parenting rule number four:
535
00:20:11,558 --> 00:20:13,647
Sleep is better than sex.
536
00:20:13,734 --> 00:20:14,952
♪ Men.♪
537
00:20:19,566 --> 00:20:21,481
This is the best night
of my life.
538
00:20:21,568 --> 00:20:23,526
I love you girls.
539
00:20:23,613 --> 00:20:26,312
We should get matching tattoos.
540
00:20:26,399 --> 00:20:27,878
I have a better idea.
541
00:20:27,965 --> 00:20:29,097
Let'’s go to a strip club!
542
00:20:29,184 --> 00:20:31,708
That is better!
543
00:20:31,795 --> 00:20:34,189
[whooping]
544
00:20:34,276 --> 00:20:36,800
♪ Oh, yes,
it'’s ladies'’ night... ♪
545
00:20:39,063 --> 00:20:40,978
This was a great idea.
546
00:20:43,459 --> 00:20:46,201
That is definitely
bigger than fun size.
547
00:20:46,288 --> 00:20:47,855
Make it rain!
548
00:20:47,942 --> 00:20:49,465
Yeah, give him
some money!
549
00:20:51,032 --> 00:20:53,426
Oh, this just keeps
getting better.
38265
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