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1
00:00:02,524 --> 00:00:03,481
♪ Men.♪
2
00:00:03,568 --> 00:00:05,527
Hey, Louis, check it out.
3
00:00:05,614 --> 00:00:08,312
This app will help you learn
how to speak Mandarin Chinese.
4
00:00:08,399 --> 00:00:10,314
Are you sending me to China?
5
00:00:10,401 --> 00:00:12,534
No, I'’d never do that.
6
00:00:12,621 --> 00:00:14,666
He sent his kid to Japan.
7
00:00:14,753 --> 00:00:15,711
Oh, no, no.
8
00:00:15,798 --> 00:00:17,539
The-the Army sent him to Japan.
9
00:00:17,626 --> 00:00:19,584
You'’re sending me to the Army?
10
00:00:19,671 --> 00:00:20,977
No, no, n-no.
11
00:00:21,064 --> 00:00:22,283
We'’re not sending you anywhere.
12
00:00:22,370 --> 00:00:23,762
We-we just want
to help you learn.
13
00:00:23,849 --> 00:00:25,025
So, check it out.
14
00:00:25,112 --> 00:00:27,201
You can type in any phrase,
15
00:00:27,288 --> 00:00:30,160
and the app will say it for you.
16
00:00:30,247 --> 00:00:33,555
[woman speaking
Mandarin Chinese]
17
00:00:33,642 --> 00:00:34,686
Ooh, what'’d she say?
18
00:00:34,773 --> 00:00:36,166
She sounds pretty.
19
00:00:36,253 --> 00:00:37,428
She said,
"Alan, your fly is open."
20
00:00:37,515 --> 00:00:39,300
Oh. Oh!
21
00:00:39,387 --> 00:00:41,171
[chuckles] Uh, well, how do you
tell her, "Thank you"?
22
00:00:41,258 --> 00:00:43,130
Uh, let'’s find out.
23
00:00:44,261 --> 00:00:46,176
Xiexie.
24
00:00:46,263 --> 00:00:49,658
That'’s gonna blow their minds
down at the Panda Express.
25
00:00:49,745 --> 00:00:52,400
Extra orange chicken, xiexie.
26
00:00:52,487 --> 00:00:55,229
Walden, I-I'’m Chinese Elvis.
27
00:00:55,316 --> 00:00:56,708
Xiexie.Xiexie,very much.
28
00:00:56,795 --> 00:00:57,709
[chuckles]
29
00:00:57,796 --> 00:00:58,928
All right.
30
00:00:59,015 --> 00:01:00,930
Let'’s put on these headphones,
31
00:01:01,017 --> 00:01:04,238
and we'’ll learn
a little Chinese, huh?
32
00:01:04,325 --> 00:01:06,588
So, um, listen,
g-going forward,
33
00:01:06,675 --> 00:01:09,156
um, how are we gonna do
this whole co-parenting thing?
34
00:01:09,243 --> 00:01:10,766
What do you mean?
35
00:01:10,853 --> 00:01:12,550
Well, when you were gonna
adopt a baby,
36
00:01:12,637 --> 00:01:14,422
we were gonna get
a divorce right after.
37
00:01:14,509 --> 00:01:17,294
But now, if we become
Louis'’s foster parents,
38
00:01:17,381 --> 00:01:19,340
we'’re gonna have to be together
for a minimum of six months.
39
00:01:19,427 --> 00:01:20,993
Uh, not that I'’m complaining.
40
00:01:21,081 --> 00:01:22,604
This is the happiest
and most loving of any
41
00:01:22,691 --> 00:01:24,562
of my three marriages.
42
00:01:24,649 --> 00:01:25,911
I'’m thinking it would
just be the opposite
43
00:01:25,998 --> 00:01:27,609
of when Jake was here.
44
00:01:27,696 --> 00:01:29,176
You were the dad, and
I occasionally imparted wisdom,
45
00:01:29,263 --> 00:01:31,787
like... the skull
and crossbones on a bottle
46
00:01:31,874 --> 00:01:34,355
underneath the sink doesn'’t mean
that it'’s pirate juice.
47
00:01:34,442 --> 00:01:37,053
Okay, well, uh, uh,
48
00:01:37,140 --> 00:01:39,055
then I will follow
your lead with Louis.
49
00:01:39,142 --> 00:01:41,710
I will be the second
in command, the-the copilot,
50
00:01:41,797 --> 00:01:44,930
the, uh, the, uh,
the lieutenant, if you will.
51
00:01:45,017 --> 00:01:46,367
I won'’t.
52
00:01:47,672 --> 00:01:49,544
This is hard.
53
00:01:49,631 --> 00:01:51,111
Oh, all right,
let me help you out here.
54
00:01:51,198 --> 00:01:52,634
Type in a phrase.
55
00:01:52,721 --> 00:01:54,070
Anything you want to say.
56
00:01:56,159 --> 00:01:57,073
Okay.
57
00:01:57,160 --> 00:01:59,902
"I... want to quit."
58
00:02:02,122 --> 00:02:03,732
Okay, uh...
59
00:02:05,037 --> 00:02:06,909
[speaks Mandarin Chinese]
60
00:02:08,606 --> 00:02:10,086
Uh, excuse me.
61
00:02:10,173 --> 00:02:11,740
If you'’re trying to say,
"I want to quit,"
62
00:02:11,827 --> 00:02:14,308
it'’s pronounced...
[speaks Mandarin Chinese]
63
00:02:14,395 --> 00:02:17,311
What you asked for is
a lap dance.
64
00:02:17,398 --> 00:02:19,487
Oh, my God, I'’m sorry.
65
00:02:19,574 --> 00:02:21,097
It'’s okay, I wasn'’t offended.
66
00:02:21,184 --> 00:02:23,447
Oh, well, in that case...
67
00:02:23,534 --> 00:02:25,101
[repeats mispronunciation]
68
00:02:25,188 --> 00:02:26,755
[laughs]
69
00:02:26,842 --> 00:02:27,756
I'’m Jean.
70
00:02:27,843 --> 00:02:28,844
I'’m Walden.
71
00:02:30,237 --> 00:02:32,108
Oh, and, uh, this is
Louis and Alan.
72
00:02:32,195 --> 00:02:34,023
Hi.Nice to meet you.
73
00:02:34,110 --> 00:02:36,330
So, you'’re teaching Louis
Mandarin?
74
00:02:36,417 --> 00:02:39,202
Well, I bought him, uh,
an app for 99 cents,
75
00:02:39,289 --> 00:02:41,639
so, yeah, I'’m teaching him.
76
00:02:41,726 --> 00:02:43,946
[laughs]
77
00:02:44,033 --> 00:02:47,428
Well, I speak fluent Mandarin,
so if you need any help
78
00:02:47,515 --> 00:02:50,474
with anything...
79
00:02:50,561 --> 00:02:52,128
give me a call.
80
00:02:52,215 --> 00:02:55,044
Ah, well, I could always use
a helping hand.
81
00:02:55,131 --> 00:02:56,045
[chuckles]
82
00:02:58,134 --> 00:03:00,832
[speaking Mandarin Chinese]
83
00:03:00,919 --> 00:03:03,444
Oh. Oh!
84
00:03:05,881 --> 00:03:07,970
Nice meeting you.
85
00:03:09,841 --> 00:03:11,626
What happened?
86
00:03:11,713 --> 00:03:13,454
What did you say?
87
00:03:13,541 --> 00:03:15,673
He said,
"They'’re married."
88
00:03:15,760 --> 00:03:19,024
And if he hadn'’t,
I was about to.
89
00:03:19,111 --> 00:03:22,071
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
90
00:03:22,158 --> 00:03:24,595
♪ Ah.
♪ Men.
♪ Men.
91
00:03:29,513 --> 00:03:30,732
♪ Men.♪
92
00:03:30,819 --> 00:03:32,473
How'’s it going
out there?
93
00:03:32,560 --> 00:03:34,126
I don'’t know. I'’m trying
to read their lips.
94
00:03:34,214 --> 00:03:35,867
He either said, "I
really like it here,"
95
00:03:35,954 --> 00:03:37,739
or "I'’d really
like a beer."
96
00:03:39,306 --> 00:03:40,829
I-I'’m sure
he'’s saying good things.
97
00:03:40,916 --> 00:03:42,483
You know, how-how you'’re
teaching him Chinese,
98
00:03:42,570 --> 00:03:45,268
how I'’m teaching him
environmental awareness.
99
00:03:45,355 --> 00:03:47,662
You taught him to pee in
the shower to save water.
100
00:03:47,749 --> 00:03:50,621
And you know what
our Mother Earth says to that?
101
00:03:50,708 --> 00:03:52,188
Xiexie.
102
00:03:54,277 --> 00:03:57,498
I got to tell you, I'’ve already
grown attached to this kid.
103
00:03:57,585 --> 00:03:59,413
And if she does try
to take him away,
104
00:03:59,500 --> 00:04:01,632
I know a guy
who can get him back.
105
00:04:01,719 --> 00:04:03,286
You'’re kidding, right?
106
00:04:03,373 --> 00:04:05,680
Right, kidding.
107
00:04:05,767 --> 00:04:09,640
But if I find an envelope in my
car with, say, two grand in it,
108
00:04:09,727 --> 00:04:11,947
I have no way of knowing
where it came from.
109
00:04:13,470 --> 00:04:14,602
Can I talk to you guys
for a second?
110
00:04:14,689 --> 00:04:16,343
Uh, yeah, sure.
111
00:04:16,430 --> 00:04:17,779
Uh, Berta, could
you watch Louis?
112
00:04:17,866 --> 00:04:19,476
Absolutely.
113
00:04:19,563 --> 00:04:21,304
We'’ll be in the car
with the engine running.
114
00:04:21,391 --> 00:04:22,436
No reason.
115
00:04:24,438 --> 00:04:27,179
So, I talked to Louis
about his weekend here.
116
00:04:27,267 --> 00:04:29,747
Uh, did he answer you
in English or Mandarin?
117
00:04:29,834 --> 00:04:31,880
English.
118
00:04:31,967 --> 00:04:33,664
Though I'’m very impressed
you'’re teaching him Chinese.
119
00:04:33,751 --> 00:04:35,318
And to pee in the shower.
120
00:04:35,405 --> 00:04:37,538
That'’s mine.
121
00:04:37,625 --> 00:04:41,150
I'’m also teaching him to dance
like no one is watching.
122
00:04:42,847 --> 00:04:45,894
Well, he seems to have
settled in nicely.
123
00:04:45,981 --> 00:04:48,157
He feels very happy
and safe with you guys,
124
00:04:48,244 --> 00:04:50,551
so I see no reason
why I shouldn'’t approve you
125
00:04:50,638 --> 00:04:51,900
to be Louis'’s foster parents.
126
00:04:51,987 --> 00:04:53,162
Really?
Are you serious?
127
00:04:53,249 --> 00:04:54,816
I rarely lie about these things.
128
00:04:54,903 --> 00:04:57,122
I did it once,
and it did not go well.
129
00:04:57,209 --> 00:04:59,081
This-this is great!
130
00:04:59,168 --> 00:05:02,302
I-I know. I-I'’ve never been
approved for anything, ever.
131
00:05:02,389 --> 00:05:04,304
Bite me, Discover Card.
132
00:05:04,391 --> 00:05:06,262
Congratulations!
Thank you!
133
00:05:06,349 --> 00:05:08,220
This is my favorite part
of the job.
134
00:05:08,308 --> 00:05:10,135
Well, that and doughnut Friday.
135
00:05:10,222 --> 00:05:12,268
Oh, God, my life is empty.
136
00:05:12,355 --> 00:05:14,052
Oh, wait, d-does
Louis know?
137
00:05:14,139 --> 00:05:15,924
No, he thinks I'’m happy.
138
00:05:17,491 --> 00:05:20,581
Oh, you mean about him here.
139
00:05:20,668 --> 00:05:22,104
Uh, no, you should tell him.
140
00:05:22,191 --> 00:05:24,454
But before you do,
just remember,
141
00:05:24,541 --> 00:05:27,414
kids who'’ve been in the foster
system as long as he has can be
142
00:05:27,501 --> 00:05:29,154
a little withdrawn
or manipulative,
143
00:05:29,241 --> 00:05:31,069
so don'’t be surprised
if he acts out.
144
00:05:31,156 --> 00:05:33,245
It'’s okay. I was a
rebel when I was a kid.
145
00:05:33,333 --> 00:05:35,247
One night, I took my
mom'’s car for a joyride.
146
00:05:35,335 --> 00:05:37,424
[chuckles] The cops would
have never caught me
147
00:05:37,511 --> 00:05:40,296
if the library
hadn'’t been closed.
148
00:05:40,383 --> 00:05:41,732
Well, call me if
you need anything.
149
00:05:41,819 --> 00:05:43,908
I got to run. I got to
hit the craft store.
150
00:05:43,995 --> 00:05:47,869
I am making each one of my cats
a Christmas stocking.
151
00:05:47,956 --> 00:05:50,393
I should have stopped at
"I got to run."
152
00:05:50,480 --> 00:05:52,221
Anyway, congratulations.
153
00:05:54,136 --> 00:05:56,747
Oh, hey, uh, Louis,
could you come in here?
154
00:05:56,834 --> 00:05:59,228
Oh, my God, we should
tell him he can'’t stay.
155
00:05:59,315 --> 00:06:00,708
How funny would that be?
156
00:06:02,449 --> 00:06:04,538
I'’ll follow your lead.
157
00:06:06,322 --> 00:06:09,586
Hey, Louis, um,
158
00:06:09,673 --> 00:06:11,240
so Ms. McMartin said
159
00:06:11,327 --> 00:06:13,764
that you like it here
and you want to stay.
160
00:06:13,851 --> 00:06:14,765
I do.
161
00:06:14,852 --> 00:06:15,984
Well, we told her
162
00:06:16,071 --> 00:06:17,725
that we want you to stay,
163
00:06:17,812 --> 00:06:21,076
and she said... okay!
164
00:06:21,163 --> 00:06:22,599
Really? Cool!
165
00:06:22,686 --> 00:06:23,992
Yeah. We should celebrate.
166
00:06:24,079 --> 00:06:26,429
Can we get pizza, Zippy?
167
00:06:26,516 --> 00:06:28,257
[Berta laughs]
168
00:06:28,344 --> 00:06:30,215
That turned out funnier
than I thought it would.
169
00:06:32,479 --> 00:06:34,437
♪ Men.
170
00:06:34,524 --> 00:06:36,439
You know, when my
son was your age,
171
00:06:36,526 --> 00:06:38,615
we used to play video
games just like this.
172
00:06:38,702 --> 00:06:40,835
Really?
Yes, and I used
to let him win,
173
00:06:40,922 --> 00:06:42,271
just like I'’m
letting you win...
174
00:06:42,358 --> 00:06:43,533
[cars crashing over TV]Hey!
175
00:06:43,620 --> 00:06:45,317
How'’d you blow
up my car?!
176
00:06:45,405 --> 00:06:48,320
All right, Louis,
time to get ready for bed.
177
00:06:48,408 --> 00:06:49,887
Five more minutes?
178
00:06:49,974 --> 00:06:51,715
No. You know the deal.
179
00:06:51,802 --> 00:06:53,935
One hour of video games a
night. Now it'’s bedtime.
180
00:06:54,022 --> 00:06:55,632
Aw, no fair.
181
00:06:55,719 --> 00:06:56,807
Well, life isn'’t fair.
182
00:06:56,894 --> 00:06:58,505
Look at my face, look at his.
183
00:06:58,592 --> 00:07:01,290
All right, I'’m gonna go
run you a bath.
184
00:07:01,377 --> 00:07:03,988
Put your dishes in the sink
and put away the controllers.
185
00:07:04,075 --> 00:07:05,947
And, Louis, you help him.
186
00:07:09,777 --> 00:07:13,215
Oh, I know you'’re upset,
but rules are important.
187
00:07:13,302 --> 00:07:17,262
It'’s just, we never got to play
video games in the group home.
188
00:07:17,349 --> 00:07:20,265
Oh, of course.
189
00:07:20,352 --> 00:07:22,267
The group home.
190
00:07:24,400 --> 00:07:27,185
Okay, what if we just
snuck in a few more minutes?
191
00:07:27,272 --> 00:07:29,361
Really?
Yeah, yeah,
yeah, but, uh...
192
00:07:29,449 --> 00:07:30,841
but you can'’t
tell Walden,
193
00:07:30,928 --> 00:07:32,930
and we have to play
it really quietly.
194
00:07:33,017 --> 00:07:34,279
[quietly]:
You'’re the coolest.
195
00:07:34,366 --> 00:07:35,977
[gasps]
I'’m the cool dad.
196
00:07:37,544 --> 00:07:39,371
[whispers]:
I'’m the cool dad.
197
00:07:41,939 --> 00:07:44,376
♪ Men.
198
00:07:44,464 --> 00:07:45,682
Oh, hey
there, kiddo.
199
00:07:45,769 --> 00:07:46,553
How'’d you sleep?
200
00:07:46,640 --> 00:07:48,511
With my eyes closed.
201
00:07:48,598 --> 00:07:50,339
Ah, kicking it old school.
202
00:07:50,426 --> 00:07:51,906
I respect that.
203
00:07:51,993 --> 00:07:53,255
Can I have breakfast?
204
00:07:53,342 --> 00:07:55,953
Sure. How about some oatmeal?
205
00:07:56,040 --> 00:07:57,520
Cookies!
206
00:07:57,607 --> 00:08:00,567
Well, do you like
oatmeal cookies?
Yes.
207
00:08:00,654 --> 00:08:02,351
Well, this is a sugarless
oatmeal cookie
208
00:08:02,438 --> 00:08:04,048
in wet, pasty form.
209
00:08:04,135 --> 00:08:05,876
Why can'’t I have cookies?
210
00:08:05,963 --> 00:08:07,704
Well, because
cookies aren'’t breakfast food.
211
00:08:07,791 --> 00:08:09,576
And remember what Walden said
about eating healthy.
212
00:08:09,663 --> 00:08:11,491
Yeah, I know.
213
00:08:11,578 --> 00:08:15,016
My last foster family
wouldn'’t give me cookies either.
214
00:08:15,103 --> 00:08:16,626
Oh.
215
00:08:18,628 --> 00:08:21,022
I suppose one wouldn'’t hurt.
216
00:08:24,808 --> 00:08:26,418
Thanks.
[chuckles]
217
00:08:26,506 --> 00:08:28,029
WALDEN:
Hey, Louis, are you up yet?
218
00:08:28,116 --> 00:08:30,074
Oh. Uh, in here!
219
00:08:30,161 --> 00:08:31,859
[quietly]:
Eat it. Wipe your mouth.
220
00:08:32,990 --> 00:08:34,905
Chocolate lips sink ships.
221
00:08:34,992 --> 00:08:36,516
[singsongy]:
Morning.
222
00:08:36,603 --> 00:08:38,387
Morning. Just making Louis
some oatmeal.
223
00:08:38,474 --> 00:08:40,911
That'’s good, '’cause we got
a big day for you, big guy.
224
00:08:40,998 --> 00:08:42,609
I got a bunch
of errands to run,
225
00:08:42,696 --> 00:08:45,133
but Alan is gonna take you
to the store
226
00:08:45,220 --> 00:08:46,961
and buy you a new backpack.
227
00:08:47,048 --> 00:08:49,180
I saw one that looks
just like Yoda.
228
00:08:49,267 --> 00:08:51,748
[imitates Yoda]:
To school you will wear it.
229
00:08:51,835 --> 00:08:53,184
Okay.
Hmm.
230
00:08:53,271 --> 00:08:55,404
What are you eating?
231
00:08:55,491 --> 00:08:58,363
Show it to me.
232
00:08:58,450 --> 00:08:59,713
Is that a cookie?
233
00:09:01,149 --> 00:09:02,716
Where did you get a cookie?
234
00:09:05,893 --> 00:09:08,635
Louis, where did you get
a cookie?
235
00:09:10,593 --> 00:09:13,161
Hey, uh, Louis,
why don'’t you go get dressed
236
00:09:13,248 --> 00:09:15,250
and-and I'’ll make you
some oatmeal,
237
00:09:15,337 --> 00:09:16,860
and then you can get going.
238
00:09:16,947 --> 00:09:18,079
Okay.
239
00:09:18,166 --> 00:09:19,428
Oh, and-and
don'’t forget
240
00:09:19,515 --> 00:09:20,647
to brush your teeth.
241
00:09:20,734 --> 00:09:22,300
And-and wash your hands.
242
00:09:22,387 --> 00:09:24,041
Oh, and put on clean underwear.
243
00:09:24,128 --> 00:09:25,782
Clean underwear?
244
00:09:25,869 --> 00:09:27,958
We'’re going to Target,
not the White House.
245
00:09:28,045 --> 00:09:31,092
Why would you give him a cookie
for breakfast?
246
00:09:31,179 --> 00:09:34,356
I couldn'’t help it.
He gave me orphan face.
247
00:09:34,443 --> 00:09:36,663
[Cockney accent]: Please, sir,
can I have a cookie?
248
00:09:36,750 --> 00:09:39,666
Me tum-tum is all empty
and growly.
249
00:09:39,753 --> 00:09:41,972
When it comes to Louis,
we have to be a team.
250
00:09:42,059 --> 00:09:44,322
If I make a rule,
you got to have my back.
251
00:09:44,409 --> 00:09:46,237
You'’re right, you'’re right,
and-and from now on,
252
00:09:46,324 --> 00:09:48,631
I will ignore him
like I ignore all those calls
253
00:09:48,718 --> 00:09:49,937
from the collection agency.
254
00:09:50,024 --> 00:09:52,461
Great. Okay, now, please,
255
00:09:52,548 --> 00:09:54,245
today, just take him
to the store,
256
00:09:54,332 --> 00:09:56,247
get him a backpack,
and then bring him home.
257
00:09:56,334 --> 00:09:57,814
I want to do
something fun later.
258
00:09:57,901 --> 00:10:00,338
A hint: has to do
with miniature golf
259
00:10:00,425 --> 00:10:03,037
and it rhymes with "what-what."
260
00:10:03,124 --> 00:10:04,821
That sounds great.
261
00:10:04,908 --> 00:10:06,562
I'’ll, uh, take him out
right after breakfast.
262
00:10:06,649 --> 00:10:08,651
And while you'’re out,
get some more of these cookies.
263
00:10:08,738 --> 00:10:12,176
[Cockney accent]: They make me
tum-tum all smiley, governor.
264
00:10:12,263 --> 00:10:14,309
See, I can do accents.
265
00:10:14,396 --> 00:10:16,572
♪ Men.♪
266
00:10:16,659 --> 00:10:20,141
Okay. Okay, here'’s the
fun part. Wait. Wait.
267
00:10:20,228 --> 00:10:22,578
♪ Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto
268
00:10:22,665 --> 00:10:24,667
♪ Domo ♪ Domo
269
00:10:24,754 --> 00:10:26,669
♪ Domo ♪ Domo
270
00:10:26,756 --> 00:10:29,846
♪ Domo arigato,
Mr. Roboto ♪
271
00:10:29,933 --> 00:10:31,587
♪ Domo♪♪ Domo♪
272
00:10:31,674 --> 00:10:33,023
♪ Domo.♪♪ Domo.♪
273
00:10:33,110 --> 00:10:34,416
[music continues]
274
00:10:34,503 --> 00:10:36,897
I like that song.
It'’s about robots.
275
00:10:36,984 --> 00:10:39,377
Yup. If you have to have one
cassette stuck in your dash,
276
00:10:39,464 --> 00:10:40,988
make it Styx.
277
00:10:41,075 --> 00:10:43,817
Look, laser tag! Can we go?
278
00:10:43,904 --> 00:10:45,601
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
No, no.
279
00:10:45,688 --> 00:10:48,604
We'’re just gonna go buy
a backpack and go straight home.
280
00:10:48,691 --> 00:10:49,953
Please?
281
00:10:50,040 --> 00:10:52,216
Oh, no, do not
give me that face.
282
00:10:52,303 --> 00:10:53,653
It is not gonna work.
283
00:10:53,740 --> 00:10:55,350
I thought you were cool.
284
00:10:57,439 --> 00:11:00,703
Well... I suppose one game
of laser tag couldn'’t hurt.
285
00:11:00,790 --> 00:11:01,878
Awesome!
286
00:11:01,965 --> 00:11:03,488
But it has to be a...
287
00:11:03,575 --> 00:11:04,925
[turns up music]
288
00:11:05,012 --> 00:11:06,361
♪ Secret, secret
289
00:11:06,448 --> 00:11:08,102
BOTH:
♪ I got a secret...
290
00:11:09,451 --> 00:11:10,582
♪ Men.♪
291
00:11:10,670 --> 00:11:12,933
[kids laughing, lasers firing]
292
00:11:17,285 --> 00:11:18,982
[laughs]
293
00:11:19,069 --> 00:11:21,811
Go tell your mommies
you got shot by CoolDad47.
294
00:11:24,509 --> 00:11:26,903
Hey, hey, who hit me?
295
00:11:26,990 --> 00:11:29,427
I got you.Oh. I'’m gonna get you.
296
00:11:29,514 --> 00:11:30,428
I'’m gonna get you.
297
00:11:30,515 --> 00:11:32,082
Yeah, yeah, you better run.
298
00:11:32,169 --> 00:11:33,475
Better run faster.
299
00:11:33,562 --> 00:11:34,911
[thump]LOUIS: Ow, my head!
300
00:11:34,998 --> 00:11:36,086
Louis?
301
00:11:36,173 --> 00:11:37,131
Louis, are you okay?
302
00:11:37,218 --> 00:11:38,741
Hey, whoa, whoa!
303
00:11:38,828 --> 00:11:40,395
Wait, wait, don'’t shoot!
Uh, my kid is hurt.
304
00:11:43,441 --> 00:11:44,399
Ha, ha. Sucker.
305
00:11:44,486 --> 00:11:45,966
♪ Men.♪
306
00:11:50,318 --> 00:11:51,623
♪ Men.♪
307
00:11:51,711 --> 00:11:53,451
Hey. I got here
as quick as I could.
308
00:11:53,538 --> 00:11:55,236
Are you okay, buddy?
What happened?
309
00:11:55,323 --> 00:11:56,541
He'’s fine. It'’s typical
kid stuff, you know?
310
00:11:56,628 --> 00:11:58,195
He was running
a little too fast,
311
00:11:58,282 --> 00:11:59,719
and he tripped
and bumped his head.
312
00:11:59,806 --> 00:12:01,677
And then Alan
shot a little girl.
313
00:12:04,332 --> 00:12:06,638
What?We played laser tag.
314
00:12:06,726 --> 00:12:07,944
♪ Secret, secret
315
00:12:08,031 --> 00:12:09,337
♪ It was a secret.
316
00:12:11,469 --> 00:12:14,385
Alan, can I talk to you
in the hallway?
317
00:12:14,472 --> 00:12:16,648
Ooh, you'’re in trouble.
318
00:12:26,267 --> 00:12:28,182
I really hope you have
a good explanation
319
00:12:28,269 --> 00:12:29,836
for taking him to laser tag.
320
00:12:29,923 --> 00:12:32,447
Uh, okay, j-just
out of curiosity,
321
00:12:32,534 --> 00:12:34,405
um, uh, what, in your opinion,
322
00:12:34,492 --> 00:12:36,973
would qualify
as a good explanation?
323
00:12:37,060 --> 00:12:38,845
I don'’t know.
Y-Your car broke down
324
00:12:38,932 --> 00:12:40,803
outside of the place.
325
00:12:40,890 --> 00:12:43,371
And then the tornado was coming,
so you took shelter inside.
326
00:12:43,458 --> 00:12:45,895
And then once you got in there,
you contracted a rare disease
327
00:12:45,982 --> 00:12:49,116
that could only be cured
by playing laser tag.
328
00:12:49,203 --> 00:12:51,553
Wow, it'’s like you were there.
329
00:12:51,640 --> 00:12:53,033
What the hell, man?
330
00:12:53,120 --> 00:12:54,338
You said you had my back.
331
00:12:54,425 --> 00:12:55,775
Why do you keep doing this?
332
00:12:55,862 --> 00:12:56,906
He thinks I'’m cool.
333
00:12:56,993 --> 00:12:58,473
I mean, when Jake was a kid,
334
00:12:58,560 --> 00:13:00,127
he thought Charlie
was the cool one.
335
00:13:00,214 --> 00:13:02,172
When you moved in, Jake
thought you were the cool one.
336
00:13:02,259 --> 00:13:03,695
Now it'’s my turn.
337
00:13:03,783 --> 00:13:06,263
Louis thinks I'’m Al-Al Cool Dad.
338
00:13:06,350 --> 00:13:07,612
No, he doesn'’t.
339
00:13:07,699 --> 00:13:09,527
He'’s using this
340
00:13:09,614 --> 00:13:12,617
to manipulate you just like
Ms. McMartin said he would.
341
00:13:12,704 --> 00:13:15,098
Oh, so the-the only possible
reason that someone
342
00:13:15,185 --> 00:13:17,318
would like me is because
they'’re trying to manipulate me?
343
00:13:17,405 --> 00:13:19,363
Yes, that'’s right!
344
00:13:19,450 --> 00:13:23,280
You'’re not Al-Al Cool Dad,
you'’re just Weird Al.
345
00:13:23,367 --> 00:13:25,543
Okay, first of all,
346
00:13:25,630 --> 00:13:28,155
that'’s a compliment
to a lover of puns.
347
00:13:28,242 --> 00:13:30,635
Secondly,
you'’re overreacting.
348
00:13:30,722 --> 00:13:31,811
Overreacting?
349
00:13:33,551 --> 00:13:35,162
[quietly]: I asked you
to get Louis a backpack.
350
00:13:35,249 --> 00:13:37,164
Instead you got him stitches!
351
00:13:37,251 --> 00:13:38,426
Uh, actually,
it'’s a liquid band.
352
00:13:38,513 --> 00:13:40,907
Shut up!
353
00:13:40,994 --> 00:13:42,430
Louis is fine.
354
00:13:42,517 --> 00:13:44,258
Kids get hurt all the time,
especially boys.
355
00:13:44,345 --> 00:13:46,173
Jake was constantly
banging his head.Okay,
356
00:13:46,260 --> 00:13:48,392
I really don'’t think you should
be using Jake as an example.
357
00:13:48,479 --> 00:13:51,178
Oh, so what are you saying? That
I did a bad job raising my son?
358
00:13:51,265 --> 00:13:54,529
Jake is great, but he did just
send you a photo from Tokyo
359
00:13:54,616 --> 00:13:57,793
and said-- and I quote-- "Look
at what a great job they did
360
00:13:57,880 --> 00:14:00,491
rebuilding the city
after Godzilla."
361
00:14:00,578 --> 00:14:04,017
Okay, I may not be
the best parent in the world,
362
00:14:04,104 --> 00:14:06,497
but at least I found a woman
willing to have a kid with me.
363
00:14:06,584 --> 00:14:08,673
Okay, you know what,
we should drop this.
364
00:14:08,760 --> 00:14:10,806
Like you did Jake,
on his head, repeatedly.
365
00:14:10,893 --> 00:14:12,677
Yeah. I don'’t have to take this.
366
00:14:12,764 --> 00:14:14,288
So I am just gonna walk away.
367
00:14:14,375 --> 00:14:16,290
Like every woman
you'’ve ever dated.
368
00:14:16,377 --> 00:14:18,901
Oh, no, you'’re
gonna walk away?
369
00:14:18,988 --> 00:14:20,685
Well, when am I
gonna see you again?
370
00:14:20,772 --> 00:14:22,600
Oh, I know. In 20 minutes,
371
00:14:22,687 --> 00:14:25,734
at my house,
where you live rent-free.
372
00:14:25,821 --> 00:14:28,171
Proctology is on
the eighth floor, Walden!
373
00:14:28,258 --> 00:14:30,521
In case you'’d like
to get that stick removed.
374
00:14:30,608 --> 00:14:33,960
Al-Al Cool Dad, out.
375
00:14:38,225 --> 00:14:39,922
♪ Men.♪
376
00:14:42,316 --> 00:14:43,404
Morning.
377
00:14:43,491 --> 00:14:45,145
Morning.
378
00:14:45,232 --> 00:14:47,321
I want you to know
I spent a lot of time thinking
379
00:14:47,408 --> 00:14:48,496
about everything last night.
380
00:14:48,583 --> 00:14:50,063
And?
381
00:14:50,150 --> 00:14:52,848
And I think
an apology is sufficient.
382
00:14:52,935 --> 00:14:54,241
I don'’t need a gift.
383
00:14:55,764 --> 00:14:56,939
Although I certainly
wouldn'’t refuse
384
00:14:57,026 --> 00:14:58,332
a new panini press.
385
00:14:58,419 --> 00:14:59,899
That'’s a great idea.
386
00:14:59,986 --> 00:15:01,857
You know, if I bought you
a panini press,
387
00:15:01,944 --> 00:15:05,339
would you smash your balls
between the hot metal grates?
388
00:15:05,426 --> 00:15:07,254
Oh, okay.
389
00:15:07,341 --> 00:15:09,952
I see I'’m the only one
capable of being a mature adult,
390
00:15:10,039 --> 00:15:12,041
so to you I say...
391
00:15:12,128 --> 00:15:13,347
[blows raspberry]
392
00:15:13,434 --> 00:15:15,262
You spit on me.
393
00:15:15,349 --> 00:15:16,567
Oh, did I?
394
00:15:16,654 --> 00:15:17,873
[blows raspberry]
395
00:15:17,960 --> 00:15:19,135
Okay.
396
00:15:19,222 --> 00:15:20,354
Let'’s go.
[blows raspberry]
397
00:15:20,441 --> 00:15:22,008
[blows raspberry]
398
00:15:22,095 --> 00:15:24,184
[both blowing raspberries]
399
00:15:24,271 --> 00:15:25,707
Can I play, too?
400
00:15:27,143 --> 00:15:29,276
[blows raspberry]
401
00:15:29,363 --> 00:15:32,453
Hey, buddy, uh, you'’re already
finished with your chores?
402
00:15:32,540 --> 00:15:34,411
Yup, I made my bed.
403
00:15:34,498 --> 00:15:36,587
What a responsible
young man.
404
00:15:36,674 --> 00:15:39,286
I asked you to do
something and you did it.
405
00:15:39,373 --> 00:15:41,592
And he'’s six.
406
00:15:41,679 --> 00:15:44,247
Hey, uh, buddy, now that you'’re
finished with your chores,
407
00:15:44,334 --> 00:15:46,728
what do you say
we go bowling, huh?
408
00:15:46,815 --> 00:15:48,077
Doesn'’t that sound fun?
409
00:15:48,164 --> 00:15:49,731
We get to wear
other people'’s shoes.
410
00:15:49,818 --> 00:15:50,950
Can Alan come?
411
00:15:51,037 --> 00:15:52,995
Oh...
412
00:15:53,082 --> 00:15:55,128
Alan already wears
other people'’s shoes.
413
00:15:55,215 --> 00:15:58,958
I actually have to go
to the grocery store, anyway.
414
00:15:59,045 --> 00:16:01,395
Do you know what else
would be fun?
415
00:16:01,482 --> 00:16:03,440
Hey, anything you want to do.
416
00:16:03,527 --> 00:16:05,703
Let'’s go to the grocery
store with Alan.
417
00:16:07,705 --> 00:16:10,099
[blows raspberry]
418
00:16:10,186 --> 00:16:13,102
♪ Men.♪
419
00:16:13,189 --> 00:16:14,843
Can I get Pop Tarts?
420
00:16:14,930 --> 00:16:17,541
[French accent]:
Ah, Pop Tarts.
421
00:16:17,628 --> 00:16:19,630
This is a wonderful
choice.
422
00:16:19,717 --> 00:16:22,503
Might I suggest
the classic strawberry?
423
00:16:22,590 --> 00:16:25,114
Is best by 2016.
424
00:16:25,201 --> 00:16:27,160
This is an excellent year.
425
00:16:27,247 --> 00:16:30,119
Anything for the lady?
426
00:16:30,206 --> 00:16:33,775
Perhaps a glass
of kiss my shir-ass.
427
00:16:33,862 --> 00:16:35,646
Oh, oh.
428
00:16:35,733 --> 00:16:36,734
What do you got there, buddy?
429
00:16:36,821 --> 00:16:39,041
I want Froot Loops.
430
00:16:39,128 --> 00:16:41,565
You know, we only get
one special treat.
431
00:16:41,652 --> 00:16:44,264
So if you want those, we
got to put the Pop Tarts back.
432
00:16:44,351 --> 00:16:46,005
But I want both.
433
00:16:46,092 --> 00:16:48,485
Well, here'’s the thing:
we can'’t have both.
434
00:16:48,572 --> 00:16:51,184
So... that'’s the rule.
435
00:16:59,409 --> 00:17:01,977
Ooh, this should be good.
436
00:17:05,459 --> 00:17:07,591
Okay, Louis...
437
00:17:07,678 --> 00:17:09,158
you heard what I said.
438
00:17:09,245 --> 00:17:10,464
You can'’t have these.
439
00:17:16,426 --> 00:17:17,819
Oh, Snap...
440
00:17:17,906 --> 00:17:19,821
Crackle and Pop.
441
00:17:23,868 --> 00:17:25,305
What are you doing?
442
00:17:25,392 --> 00:17:27,002
I want Froot Loops.
443
00:17:27,089 --> 00:17:29,309
Okay, I'’m gonna count to three,
444
00:17:29,396 --> 00:17:31,963
and if you don'’t get up,
you'’re gonna be in big trouble.
445
00:17:33,791 --> 00:17:36,794
Ooh, counting. This is some
groundbreaking stuff.
446
00:17:36,881 --> 00:17:38,796
One...
447
00:17:40,233 --> 00:17:41,147
...two...
448
00:17:43,062 --> 00:17:44,019
...three.
449
00:17:45,977 --> 00:17:47,675
One...
450
00:17:47,762 --> 00:17:49,546
One and a half...
451
00:17:49,633 --> 00:17:52,462
Well, you clearly
have this under control.
452
00:17:52,549 --> 00:17:54,725
I'’m gonna go check out the
cuties in the produce section.
453
00:17:54,812 --> 00:17:57,946
And I may or may not
be talking about the tangerines.
454
00:17:59,513 --> 00:18:01,254
You hear that, Louis?
He'’s leaving.
455
00:18:01,341 --> 00:18:03,386
And I, now, I guess,
456
00:18:03,473 --> 00:18:05,562
now I'’m leaving, so...
457
00:18:05,649 --> 00:18:07,608
unless you want to live
here in the cereal aisle,
458
00:18:07,695 --> 00:18:09,523
I suggest you get up.
459
00:18:11,481 --> 00:18:13,570
All right, okay.
Here we go, then.
460
00:18:13,657 --> 00:18:15,398
Have fun.
[chuckles]
461
00:18:15,485 --> 00:18:17,879
I hope Captain Crunch
can put you through college.
462
00:18:23,319 --> 00:18:25,321
Next stop
is the checkout aisle.
463
00:18:27,497 --> 00:18:29,282
That'’s it.
464
00:18:29,369 --> 00:18:31,545
I am not kidding,
I mean it. I am leaving.
465
00:18:31,632 --> 00:18:33,764
ALAN [imitating P.A.]:
Attention shoppers,
466
00:18:33,851 --> 00:18:35,288
we are having
a two-for-one sale
467
00:18:35,375 --> 00:18:39,205
on meaningless threats
in aisle five.
468
00:18:39,292 --> 00:18:40,858
Can you help me out here?Help? Oh, oh.
469
00:18:40,945 --> 00:18:42,599
You want me to help?
470
00:18:42,686 --> 00:18:45,211
Well, I suppose I could
drop him on his head repeatedly.
471
00:18:45,298 --> 00:18:48,431
Okay, you know what,
I deserve that.
472
00:18:48,518 --> 00:18:50,694
Yesterday I said some
things that I regret.
473
00:18:50,781 --> 00:18:53,436
Mm. Like what?God, do we have
to do this now?
474
00:18:53,523 --> 00:18:54,785
Why not? I'’m not going anywhere.
475
00:18:54,872 --> 00:18:57,136
Clearly, he'’s not
going anywhere.
476
00:18:57,223 --> 00:19:01,140
Okay, fine, I said that-that
you'’re not a very good father.
477
00:19:01,227 --> 00:19:03,185
And that is
simply not true.
478
00:19:03,272 --> 00:19:04,621
Thank you.
479
00:19:04,708 --> 00:19:06,623
That must have been
hard for you to say.
480
00:19:06,710 --> 00:19:09,496
And Jake is a very bright
and capable young man.
481
00:19:09,583 --> 00:19:11,933
And that must have been
damn near impossible to say.
482
00:19:13,369 --> 00:19:15,545
But... very sweet.
483
00:19:15,632 --> 00:19:18,200
Um, I shouldn'’t have gone
behind your back with Louis.
484
00:19:18,287 --> 00:19:21,116
But it just, it felt so good
that he wanted to be with me.
485
00:19:21,203 --> 00:19:23,336
And I'’ve never been
anybody'’s first pick before.
486
00:19:23,423 --> 00:19:25,947
You were my first pick
to help me raise a kid.
487
00:19:26,034 --> 00:19:28,515
Clean up on aisle five.
488
00:19:28,602 --> 00:19:30,212
The floor'’s about to be
covered in tears.
489
00:19:30,299 --> 00:19:32,127
Okay. Can-Can you
give me a hand here?
490
00:19:34,477 --> 00:19:36,479
Okay, I'’ve seen this
a million times before.
491
00:19:36,566 --> 00:19:39,134
There is one surefire parental
technique that always works.
492
00:19:45,314 --> 00:19:46,837
He wanted Froot Loops.
493
00:19:46,924 --> 00:19:49,275
We'’re good parents.
We really are.
494
00:19:49,362 --> 00:19:51,102
♪ Men.♪
495
00:19:55,455 --> 00:19:56,891
♪ Men.♪Louis is all tucked in.
496
00:19:56,978 --> 00:19:58,109
Oh, yeah?
497
00:19:58,197 --> 00:20:00,111
No extra
bedtime story?
498
00:20:00,199 --> 00:20:02,070
No secret dessert?
499
00:20:02,157 --> 00:20:04,507
No dancing like
no one'’s watching?
500
00:20:04,594 --> 00:20:07,641
No jazz hands were raised,
no heels were kicked.
501
00:20:07,728 --> 00:20:10,426
I appreciate that.I got your back.
502
00:20:10,513 --> 00:20:12,950
And to say thank you,
503
00:20:13,037 --> 00:20:16,040
I got you a
special surprise.
504
00:20:18,129 --> 00:20:20,262
[gasps]
Froot Loops!
505
00:20:20,349 --> 00:20:22,830
Shh.
♪ Secret, secret
506
00:20:22,917 --> 00:20:25,746
BOTH:
♪ We got a secret.
507
00:20:25,833 --> 00:20:29,663
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