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1
00:00:02,698 --> 00:00:04,700
♪ Men.♪[drill whirring, banging]
2
00:00:06,528 --> 00:00:07,833
Hey!
3
00:00:07,920 --> 00:00:09,357
Oh, hey, morning, Berta.
4
00:00:09,444 --> 00:00:12,534
Little warning, man at work.
5
00:00:12,621 --> 00:00:15,189
Doing a little banging
and screwing.
6
00:00:15,276 --> 00:00:17,408
Little warning for you.
7
00:00:17,495 --> 00:00:21,804
Woman at bar until 2:00 a.m.
doing the same thing.
8
00:00:21,891 --> 00:00:23,240
What are you doing?
9
00:00:23,327 --> 00:00:26,200
I am baby-proofing
the house.
10
00:00:26,287 --> 00:00:28,115
It'’s a requirement
of the adoption agency,
11
00:00:28,202 --> 00:00:29,333
and it'’s a good thing, too.
12
00:00:29,420 --> 00:00:31,161
This here kitchen
is a death trap.
13
00:00:31,248 --> 00:00:34,382
Whole mess of things up in here
that can kill someone.
14
00:00:34,469 --> 00:00:38,647
We got knives, we got fire,
poison, scalding hot water,
15
00:00:38,734 --> 00:00:40,866
Alan'’s leftover fish tacos.
16
00:00:40,953 --> 00:00:42,607
You worry too much.
17
00:00:42,694 --> 00:00:46,046
Jake ate a steady diet
of floor wax and detergent,
18
00:00:46,133 --> 00:00:49,049
and he turned out...
19
00:00:49,136 --> 00:00:51,399
Yeah, maybe it'’s not a bad idea.
20
00:00:51,486 --> 00:00:53,270
I locked all the cabinets
and the drawers,
21
00:00:53,357 --> 00:00:55,533
put these safety knobs
on the stove,
22
00:00:55,620 --> 00:00:57,100
and if you want to access
any chemicals,
23
00:00:57,187 --> 00:00:59,276
you will need
a special magnetic key.
24
00:00:59,363 --> 00:01:01,017
Oh, by the way,
when you'’re doing the laundry,
25
00:01:01,104 --> 00:01:03,106
keep your eye out
for a special magnetic key.
26
00:01:04,977 --> 00:01:07,415
Why would you need
to lock the towel drawer?
27
00:01:07,502 --> 00:01:10,374
You hide your pot
in the medicine cabinet.
28
00:01:10,461 --> 00:01:11,723
I'’m guessing.
29
00:01:11,810 --> 00:01:14,030
That is no ordinary
towel drawer.
30
00:01:14,117 --> 00:01:17,555
That'’s the first step
on the stairway to disaster.
31
00:01:17,642 --> 00:01:19,340
Oh, I'’m too hungover
for this crap.
32
00:01:19,427 --> 00:01:21,342
Okay, okay.
33
00:01:21,429 --> 00:01:25,302
All right, imagine, if you will,
child pulls out the drawer,
34
00:01:25,389 --> 00:01:28,610
climbs up onto the counter
and toddles over to the window
35
00:01:28,697 --> 00:01:30,307
that has been left open
36
00:01:30,394 --> 00:01:32,831
because Alan finds the smell
of steaming broccoli
37
00:01:32,918 --> 00:01:34,050
to be "gaggy."
38
00:01:35,530 --> 00:01:36,705
Whereupon, the child
39
00:01:36,792 --> 00:01:39,403
spots a beautiful kite,
40
00:01:39,490 --> 00:01:43,103
most likely in the shape
of a butterfly or a Pikachu.
41
00:01:43,190 --> 00:01:45,714
The child reaches
for the kite,
42
00:01:45,801 --> 00:01:47,933
tumbles out the window,
43
00:01:48,020 --> 00:01:50,849
bounces off the awning,
flying through the air,
44
00:01:50,936 --> 00:01:54,810
heading toward certain death,
when, miraculously, it is caught
45
00:01:54,897 --> 00:01:57,726
by a shirtless
Matthew McConaughey.
46
00:01:59,684 --> 00:02:01,730
"Don'’t worry,
your baby'’s gonna be all right,
47
00:02:01,817 --> 00:02:03,558
all right, all right."
48
00:02:04,733 --> 00:02:06,126
Yeah, sure.
49
00:02:06,213 --> 00:02:07,953
You know what,
we got lucky this time,
50
00:02:08,040 --> 00:02:10,478
but we can'’t depend
on McConaughey every time.
51
00:02:10,565 --> 00:02:14,656
Okay, I'’m gonna have to start
hiding the pot from you.
52
00:02:14,743 --> 00:02:16,527
Better safe than sorry.
53
00:02:16,614 --> 00:02:18,921
Every stairway, every toilet,
every sharp corner
54
00:02:19,008 --> 00:02:20,836
has been locked,
latched or padded.
55
00:02:20,923 --> 00:02:23,012
No one is getting hurt
in this house.
56
00:02:24,579 --> 00:02:25,754
[screams]
57
00:02:25,841 --> 00:02:27,321
Hot!
58
00:02:27,408 --> 00:02:29,279
Hot! Hot!
59
00:02:34,284 --> 00:02:36,765
All right, all right,
all right.
60
00:02:39,115 --> 00:02:41,465
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
61
00:02:41,552 --> 00:02:44,642
♪ Ah.
♪ Men.
♪ Men.
62
00:02:49,212 --> 00:02:50,387
♪ Men.♪
63
00:02:50,474 --> 00:02:52,128
So, as you can see,
64
00:02:52,215 --> 00:02:53,956
I installed a gate
at the top of the stairs,
65
00:02:54,043 --> 00:02:56,176
at the bottom of the stairs,
and as an extra precaution,
66
00:02:56,263 --> 00:02:57,960
I put one in the middle
of the stairs.
67
00:02:58,047 --> 00:02:59,744
Overachiever.
68
00:02:59,831 --> 00:03:02,573
I think he'’s just trying
to keep me from getting away.
69
00:03:02,660 --> 00:03:04,184
[chuckles]
70
00:03:04,271 --> 00:03:06,316
Well, you did a great job
baby-proofing.
71
00:03:06,403 --> 00:03:08,188
I can'’t imagine anyone
getting hurt in this house.
72
00:03:08,275 --> 00:03:11,191
Really? Try telling me
I look fat in these jeans.
73
00:03:12,888 --> 00:03:15,673
Okay, flame off,
Human Torch.
74
00:03:15,760 --> 00:03:18,328
So, uh, so, what do we do next?
75
00:03:18,415 --> 00:03:19,938
Oh, well, it'’s pretty simple.
76
00:03:20,025 --> 00:03:21,462
I walk out onto the deck,
77
00:03:21,549 --> 00:03:23,333
you put a pile of hundreds
on the table,
78
00:03:23,420 --> 00:03:24,943
I come back,
slip them into my purse,
79
00:03:25,030 --> 00:03:26,118
and you get a kid.
80
00:03:28,164 --> 00:03:30,993
I have $5,000 in the bottom
of a toolbox in the garage.
81
00:03:31,080 --> 00:03:32,124
I was joking.
82
00:03:32,212 --> 00:03:33,822
As was I.
83
00:03:35,693 --> 00:03:37,826
Anyway, uh,
I wasn'’t gonna say anything
84
00:03:37,913 --> 00:03:39,697
until you guys passed
the inspection,
85
00:03:39,784 --> 00:03:41,830
but it looks like
we may have found
86
00:03:41,917 --> 00:03:43,440
a potential match
for the two of you.
87
00:03:43,527 --> 00:03:45,094
[gasps]
88
00:03:45,181 --> 00:03:46,182
We'’re...
89
00:03:46,269 --> 00:03:47,618
We'’re getting a baby.
90
00:03:47,705 --> 00:03:49,272
Are you serious?
This is unbelievable.
91
00:03:49,359 --> 00:03:50,795
Well, slow down;
all that'’s happened so far
92
00:03:50,882 --> 00:03:52,232
is a pregnant mother has seen
your profile
93
00:03:52,319 --> 00:03:53,755
and wants to meet you.
94
00:03:53,842 --> 00:03:56,714
Somebody saw my profile
and wants to meet me?
95
00:03:56,801 --> 00:03:59,021
That'’s so different
than the dating sites.
96
00:03:59,108 --> 00:04:00,414
I can'’t believe this.
97
00:04:00,501 --> 00:04:02,242
Who is she?
Where is she from?
98
00:04:02,329 --> 00:04:04,026
How old is she? Is she
having a boy or a girl?
99
00:04:04,113 --> 00:04:05,723
Wait, no, la-la-la-la-la!
100
00:04:05,810 --> 00:04:07,377
I don'’t want to know.
I want to be surprised.
101
00:04:07,464 --> 00:04:08,422
Walden, you'’re getting ahead
of yourself.
102
00:04:08,509 --> 00:04:09,858
Did you say girl?
103
00:04:09,945 --> 00:04:10,989
I thought I heard
you say girl.
104
00:04:12,121 --> 00:04:13,035
Wait, no, you know what?
105
00:04:13,122 --> 00:04:14,123
Doesn'’t matter.
106
00:04:14,210 --> 00:04:15,690
Ten fingers and ten toes--
107
00:04:15,777 --> 00:04:18,040
that'’s all that matters.
108
00:04:18,127 --> 00:04:20,216
Are you not saying anything
'’cause it'’s a boy?
109
00:04:20,303 --> 00:04:22,174
Oh, my God,
we'’re having a boy!
110
00:04:22,262 --> 00:04:24,089
Okay, Walden, when
you meet the mother,
111
00:04:24,176 --> 00:04:27,179
you want to come off as
a calm, stable father.
112
00:04:27,267 --> 00:04:30,487
Not like a 14-year-old girl
at a Justin Bieber concert.
113
00:04:30,574 --> 00:04:32,010
Sorry,
we'’re just really excited.
114
00:04:32,097 --> 00:04:33,838
No, I get it.
I'’m excited for you.
115
00:04:33,925 --> 00:04:35,492
I'’ll call you
when the meeting is set up.
116
00:04:35,579 --> 00:04:37,146
Oh, and by the way,
117
00:04:37,233 --> 00:04:39,017
I think you look fantastic
in those jeans.
118
00:04:39,104 --> 00:04:40,715
Girl, we are gonna be BFFs.
119
00:04:40,802 --> 00:04:42,325
[chuckles]
120
00:04:43,457 --> 00:04:45,372
We'’re gonna have a baby.
121
00:04:45,459 --> 00:04:46,895
We'’re gonna have a baby.
122
00:04:46,982 --> 00:04:48,375
We'’re gonna have a baby.
123
00:04:48,462 --> 00:04:50,420
BOTH [laughing]:
We'’re gonna have a baby!
124
00:04:50,507 --> 00:04:51,856
We'’re gonna have a baby!
125
00:04:51,943 --> 00:04:53,815
Oh, we have to celebrate.
126
00:04:53,902 --> 00:04:55,251
Uh, I'’ll go to the garage
and get some champagne.
127
00:04:55,338 --> 00:04:56,992
Great! We'’re gonna have a baby!
128
00:04:57,079 --> 00:04:58,689
We'’re gonna have a...
129
00:04:58,776 --> 00:05:00,474
Wait, we don'’t have champagne
in the garage.
130
00:05:00,561 --> 00:05:01,562
[gasps] My toolbox!
131
00:05:01,649 --> 00:05:02,867
Alan!
132
00:05:02,954 --> 00:05:05,043
♪ Men.♪
133
00:05:06,784 --> 00:05:08,482
Here.
134
00:05:08,569 --> 00:05:10,440
I got this for you.
135
00:05:12,050 --> 00:05:13,008
Why?
136
00:05:13,095 --> 00:05:14,792
I think it would be nice
137
00:05:14,879 --> 00:05:16,794
if we wore matching sweaters
to meet the birth mom.
138
00:05:16,881 --> 00:05:18,448
Twinsies.
139
00:05:18,535 --> 00:05:19,841
We'’re supposed to be
a married couple,
140
00:05:19,928 --> 00:05:21,973
not half of
a barbershop quartet.
141
00:05:22,060 --> 00:05:24,541
Can'’t we be both?
142
00:05:24,628 --> 00:05:26,761
♪ Miss McMartin,
bring me a kid ♪
143
00:05:26,848 --> 00:05:28,371
♪ Bom-bom-bom-bom
144
00:05:28,458 --> 00:05:30,765
♪ Marrying you
was a dumb thing I did ♪
145
00:05:30,852 --> 00:05:31,896
♪ Bom-bom-bom-bom.
146
00:05:31,983 --> 00:05:33,376
You were flat.
147
00:05:34,986 --> 00:05:37,249
So, the mom--
you think she'’s hot?
148
00:05:38,642 --> 00:05:40,252
She'’s nine months pregnant!
149
00:05:40,340 --> 00:05:41,428
I know.
150
00:05:41,515 --> 00:05:43,473
Love me some preggos.
151
00:05:44,692 --> 00:05:46,607
38-62-38.
152
00:05:46,694 --> 00:05:49,784
Baby got back and front.
153
00:05:49,871 --> 00:05:51,829
Okay, listen.
154
00:05:51,916 --> 00:05:54,832
If we want this girl
to give us her baby,
155
00:05:54,919 --> 00:05:56,791
she has to think that
we'’re a well-adjusted couple.
156
00:05:56,878 --> 00:05:58,662
If she gets a creepy vibe
off of you,
157
00:05:58,749 --> 00:06:00,229
she'’s gonna turn and run
the other way.
158
00:06:00,316 --> 00:06:02,013
And I'’m only saying this
159
00:06:02,100 --> 00:06:03,754
'’cause I'’m getting a creepy vibe
off of you.
160
00:06:03,841 --> 00:06:05,103
[doorbell rings]
161
00:06:06,888 --> 00:06:09,238
Says the guy who Googled
"Helen Mirren nip slip."
162
00:06:09,325 --> 00:06:11,458
Helen is timeless.
163
00:06:11,545 --> 00:06:12,807
Now, listen.
164
00:06:12,894 --> 00:06:14,286
If you mess this up for me,
165
00:06:14,374 --> 00:06:16,201
I will make your life
a living hell.
166
00:06:16,288 --> 00:06:18,073
Now, remember,
we love each other.
167
00:06:22,773 --> 00:06:24,645
Hello, Mama.
168
00:06:25,863 --> 00:06:27,125
Hi.
169
00:06:27,212 --> 00:06:28,823
Hi, you must be Kathy.
170
00:06:28,910 --> 00:06:31,956
Yes, uh, welcome to
our Malibu dream house.
171
00:06:32,043 --> 00:06:33,480
He'’s Ken.
172
00:06:33,567 --> 00:06:35,699
Oh, I guess that
makes me Barbie.
173
00:06:36,918 --> 00:06:38,180
I'’m Walden.
174
00:06:38,267 --> 00:06:39,486
This is Alan.
175
00:06:39,573 --> 00:06:40,878
[stammering]
Come in.
176
00:06:40,965 --> 00:06:41,966
Here, c-can I take your coat?
177
00:06:42,053 --> 00:06:43,098
Oh, thank you.
178
00:06:43,185 --> 00:06:44,578
[chuckles]
179
00:06:44,665 --> 00:06:46,406
Wow!
180
00:06:46,493 --> 00:06:47,668
Look at you!
181
00:06:47,755 --> 00:06:49,800
So very pregnant.
182
00:06:49,887 --> 00:06:50,975
Coat.
183
00:06:51,062 --> 00:06:52,934
I know.
184
00:06:53,021 --> 00:06:54,979
I haven'’t seen
my feet since July.
185
00:06:55,066 --> 00:06:57,025
Am I wearing matching shoes?
186
00:06:57,112 --> 00:06:58,461
Um...
187
00:06:58,548 --> 00:06:59,984
actually, no.
188
00:07:00,071 --> 00:07:01,943
Uh, but you know what, it works.
It'’s cute.
189
00:07:02,030 --> 00:07:03,248
Um, please sit.
190
00:07:03,335 --> 00:07:04,859
Yeah, please.
How you feeling?
191
00:07:04,946 --> 00:07:06,556
My ankles are swollen,
192
00:07:06,643 --> 00:07:08,906
my back hurts,
and forget about my breasts.
193
00:07:08,993 --> 00:07:11,866
I haven'’t even noticed,
you know, '’cause I'’m gay.
194
00:07:11,953 --> 00:07:13,302
That'’s... [clears throat]
195
00:07:13,389 --> 00:07:15,435
That'’s my rainbow warrior.
196
00:07:15,522 --> 00:07:17,828
Always waving his flag.
197
00:07:17,915 --> 00:07:19,874
Even when it relates
to nothing.
198
00:07:19,961 --> 00:07:23,747
Um, so, uh,
tell us about Kathy.
199
00:07:23,834 --> 00:07:25,706
I think the first thing
you should know about me
200
00:07:25,793 --> 00:07:28,143
is this is not representative
of who I am.
201
00:07:28,230 --> 00:07:29,361
See, I just graduated
202
00:07:29,449 --> 00:07:31,015
from UCLA.
203
00:07:31,102 --> 00:07:34,410
The baby is a result
of a spring break trip to Vegas.
204
00:07:34,497 --> 00:07:36,891
Ah. I guess what happens
in Vegas
205
00:07:36,978 --> 00:07:38,458
stays in Kathy.
206
00:07:40,198 --> 00:07:42,679
Yep, took me about six weeks
to figure out
207
00:07:42,766 --> 00:07:44,246
that my morning sickness
208
00:07:44,333 --> 00:07:46,553
wasn'’t just
a really bad hangover.
209
00:07:46,640 --> 00:07:47,989
Well, we all make mistakes.
210
00:07:48,076 --> 00:07:50,034
One morning,
I woke up married to this one.
211
00:07:50,121 --> 00:07:52,297
[laughs]
212
00:07:52,384 --> 00:07:55,431
See, bottom line, this wasn'’t
part of my five-year plan.
213
00:07:55,518 --> 00:07:57,651
You know, law school,
clerk for a judge,
214
00:07:57,738 --> 00:07:58,956
start my own practice.
215
00:07:59,043 --> 00:08:00,567
Wow, that'’s-that'’s impressive.
216
00:08:00,654 --> 00:08:02,525
Uh, Alan'’s son, Jake,
217
00:08:02,612 --> 00:08:04,701
had a five-year plan
for the tenth grade.
218
00:08:04,788 --> 00:08:06,181
[chuckles]
219
00:08:06,268 --> 00:08:07,835
See, that'’s why I liked
your profile.
220
00:08:07,922 --> 00:08:09,880
You have parenting experience.
221
00:08:09,967 --> 00:08:11,795
Your sense of humor
came through.
222
00:08:11,882 --> 00:08:13,928
And I kind of love
that you'’re gay.
223
00:08:14,015 --> 00:08:15,886
Not as much as we do.
224
00:08:15,973 --> 00:08:17,235
Right, Wally Bear?
225
00:08:17,322 --> 00:08:18,933
That'’s right, Alley Cat.
226
00:08:21,196 --> 00:08:23,851
Even though I'’m not gonna
be part of the baby'’s life,
227
00:08:23,938 --> 00:08:26,244
I like the idea of being
the only mom.
228
00:08:26,331 --> 00:08:28,290
I can totally understand that.
229
00:08:28,377 --> 00:08:31,162
Probably because my mom was an
ice-cold, sharp-tongue alcoholic
230
00:08:31,249 --> 00:08:34,470
who preferred shopping and spas
over spending time with me.
231
00:08:34,557 --> 00:08:36,777
And I can
totally understand that.
232
00:08:36,864 --> 00:08:38,909
So, tell me about you.
233
00:08:38,996 --> 00:08:41,259
What made you guys decide
to start a family?
234
00:08:41,346 --> 00:08:43,827
Uh, well, raising my son
235
00:08:43,914 --> 00:08:46,569
was one of the greatest
experiences of my life,
236
00:08:46,656 --> 00:08:48,571
and I just wanted Walden
to feel that same joy.
237
00:08:50,312 --> 00:08:52,096
Yeah, I mean, for me
it'’s a couple reasons.
238
00:08:52,183 --> 00:08:54,577
I-I felt like something
was missing in my life,
239
00:08:54,664 --> 00:08:56,884
and I wanted to give back,
240
00:08:56,971 --> 00:09:00,670
and having a kid will allow me
to drive in the carpool lane.
241
00:09:00,757 --> 00:09:02,063
[laughs]
242
00:09:02,150 --> 00:09:04,631
It'’s nice to laugh again.
243
00:09:04,718 --> 00:09:06,807
Except I just peed a little
on your sofa.
244
00:09:06,894 --> 00:09:08,591
I'’ll get you something.
245
00:09:08,678 --> 00:09:10,593
Oh, uh, actually,
I got something right here.
246
00:09:11,725 --> 00:09:13,117
♪ Men.♪
247
00:09:13,204 --> 00:09:14,292
[gasps]
248
00:09:14,379 --> 00:09:15,467
The baby just kicked.
249
00:09:15,555 --> 00:09:16,773
I felt it.
250
00:09:16,860 --> 00:09:18,209
Oh, looks like someone'’s got
251
00:09:18,296 --> 00:09:19,950
a little soccer star in there.
252
00:09:20,037 --> 00:09:21,909
God, you smell good.
253
00:09:23,954 --> 00:09:26,348
Alan, you want to come up
for some air?
254
00:09:26,435 --> 00:09:27,654
Oh, sorry.
255
00:09:27,741 --> 00:09:29,656
Just got excited. [chuckles]
256
00:09:29,743 --> 00:09:31,309
About the baby.
257
00:09:31,396 --> 00:09:33,050
Sure.
258
00:09:33,137 --> 00:09:34,617
So, uh, Kathy,
259
00:09:34,704 --> 00:09:36,837
uh, do you know
if it'’s a boy or a girl?
260
00:09:36,924 --> 00:09:38,665
I don'’t, but your profile said
261
00:09:38,752 --> 00:09:40,667
you didn'’t have
a gender preference, right?
262
00:09:40,754 --> 00:09:42,016
Oh, that'’s right.
263
00:09:42,103 --> 00:09:44,322
Just like me in my 20s.
[chuckles]
264
00:09:44,409 --> 00:09:46,629
You guys crack me up.
265
00:09:46,716 --> 00:09:48,718
You'’re gonna make great dads.
266
00:09:48,805 --> 00:09:51,068
Oh, world'’s greatest, according
the coffee mugs I bought.
267
00:09:51,155 --> 00:09:55,420
Well, that'’s good,
because I made up my mind.
268
00:09:55,507 --> 00:09:56,987
I want you to have my baby.
269
00:09:57,074 --> 00:09:58,554
No!Yes.
270
00:09:58,641 --> 00:10:00,251
Oh, my God!
You did not just say that!
271
00:10:00,338 --> 00:10:01,513
You bitch!
272
00:10:02,602 --> 00:10:03,820
Thank you, Kathy.
273
00:10:03,907 --> 00:10:05,169
Thank you, Vegas.
274
00:10:05,256 --> 00:10:07,215
Thank you, broken condom.
275
00:10:07,302 --> 00:10:08,869
Well, you can thank
two-for-one tequila shots
276
00:10:08,956 --> 00:10:11,045
at the Tropicana.[chuckles]
277
00:10:11,132 --> 00:10:12,481
Let'’s not forget
this little guy.
278
00:10:12,568 --> 00:10:14,048
[chuckles]
279
00:10:14,135 --> 00:10:16,050
[gasps]
Do you feel it moving?
280
00:10:16,137 --> 00:10:17,878
I can feel it growing.
281
00:10:17,965 --> 00:10:19,749
♪ Men.♪
282
00:10:24,362 --> 00:10:25,668
♪ Men.♪
283
00:10:25,755 --> 00:10:27,104
Okay, best shower gift:
284
00:10:27,191 --> 00:10:29,541
Barry. Baby'’s first bong.
285
00:10:29,629 --> 00:10:30,847
Yep.
286
00:10:30,934 --> 00:10:32,544
And just like the kid'’s diaper,
287
00:10:32,632 --> 00:10:35,417
it'’s full of
stinky green stuff.
288
00:10:35,504 --> 00:10:36,897
The pizza'’s on its way.
289
00:10:36,984 --> 00:10:38,942
In the meantime, uh,
who wants a beer?
290
00:10:39,029 --> 00:10:41,249
Oh, wow.
Yeah.
291
00:10:41,336 --> 00:10:43,120
There we go.
292
00:10:43,207 --> 00:10:45,993
Walden, you are gonna
make a great dad.
293
00:10:46,080 --> 00:10:47,124
Hey.
And, Alan,
294
00:10:47,211 --> 00:10:48,517
you'’ve already raised Jake,
295
00:10:48,604 --> 00:10:51,172
so I guess just...
do the opposite.
296
00:10:53,435 --> 00:10:55,437
I still can'’t believe
it'’s even possible
297
00:10:55,524 --> 00:10:57,569
for two men to have a baby.
298
00:10:57,657 --> 00:10:59,180
What an age we live in.
299
00:10:59,267 --> 00:11:00,834
Science, right?
300
00:11:03,227 --> 00:11:07,057
Larry, we'’re-we'’re not
actually having a baby.
301
00:11:07,144 --> 00:11:08,319
We'’re adopting.
302
00:11:08,406 --> 00:11:10,582
Ah, shooting blanks, huh?
303
00:11:12,584 --> 00:11:13,934
Well, I guess
if Alan gets pregnant,
304
00:11:14,021 --> 00:11:15,370
you'’ll know he'’s been
cheating on you.
305
00:11:17,938 --> 00:11:19,504
So you two are
really married, huh?
306
00:11:19,591 --> 00:11:21,158
Yep.
Yeah, crazy, isn'’t it?
307
00:11:21,245 --> 00:11:22,986
No, I'’ll tell you what'’s crazy.
308
00:11:23,073 --> 00:11:25,293
You have never
hit on me once, Walden.
309
00:11:25,380 --> 00:11:27,556
I mean, we worked together
every day, side by side,
310
00:11:27,643 --> 00:11:29,558
and not so much as
a lingering glance
311
00:11:29,645 --> 00:11:31,821
or a "Gee, you look
nice today, Barry.
312
00:11:31,908 --> 00:11:33,736
"You lost a little weight,
Barry?
313
00:11:33,823 --> 00:11:36,173
Those cargo shorts really
flatter your calves, Barry."
314
00:11:36,260 --> 00:11:37,827
No, man.
315
00:11:37,914 --> 00:11:40,525
We got married
so I could adopt a baby.
316
00:11:40,612 --> 00:11:42,484
That... we'’re a pretend couple.
317
00:11:42,571 --> 00:11:45,792
It'’s kind of like your
"girlfriend in Canada."
318
00:11:45,879 --> 00:11:47,402
[scoffs]
319
00:11:47,489 --> 00:11:49,360
Okay, Olivia is real.
320
00:11:49,447 --> 00:11:51,972
I mean, just... Okay, look at
these nude photos she sent me.
321
00:11:53,147 --> 00:11:55,192
That'’s Jennifer Lawrence.
322
00:11:55,279 --> 00:11:57,586
She gets that all the time.
323
00:11:59,762 --> 00:12:02,156
In a couple days,
I'’m gonna be a dad.
324
00:12:02,243 --> 00:12:03,723
[laughs]
325
00:12:03,810 --> 00:12:05,725
I'’m gonna be
completely responsible
326
00:12:05,812 --> 00:12:08,336
for the emotional
and financial well-being
327
00:12:08,423 --> 00:12:10,033
of someone who is
completely incapable
328
00:12:10,120 --> 00:12:11,382
of taking care of themselves.
329
00:12:11,469 --> 00:12:13,689
Thank you for being
my test baby.
330
00:12:15,822 --> 00:12:17,867
I'’d keep my fingers
crossed for a boy.
331
00:12:17,954 --> 00:12:19,913
Why?Well, basic math.
332
00:12:20,000 --> 00:12:22,132
If you have a boy, you only
have to worry about one penis.
333
00:12:22,219 --> 00:12:23,917
You have a girl, you have
to worry about them all.
334
00:12:26,658 --> 00:12:28,573
Either way,
you'’re gonna love it.
335
00:12:28,660 --> 00:12:31,446
Being a father is
the best thing in the world.
336
00:12:31,533 --> 00:12:32,577
How old are your kids?
337
00:12:32,664 --> 00:12:34,405
Well, my son is 15
338
00:12:34,492 --> 00:12:36,668
and my secret daughter
is going to be 11 this year.
339
00:12:38,105 --> 00:12:39,454
Your... your
secret daughter?
340
00:12:39,541 --> 00:12:42,283
Yeah, she looks a lot
like my secret wife.
341
00:12:48,332 --> 00:12:50,857
You know, kids are amazing.
342
00:12:50,944 --> 00:12:53,598
You know? You get to pass
all this knowledge down
343
00:12:53,685 --> 00:12:56,340
to this little person
and-and shape their mind.
344
00:12:56,427 --> 00:12:58,342
Like, you know,
how to talk to girls
345
00:12:58,429 --> 00:13:00,867
and how to be there for
your friends when they need you.
346
00:13:00,954 --> 00:13:02,825
Oh, you can teach them
your ability
347
00:13:02,912 --> 00:13:05,393
to always be in the bathroom
whenever the dinner check comes.
348
00:13:06,524 --> 00:13:09,397
That'’s pure instinct.
349
00:13:09,484 --> 00:13:12,313
Can'’t be taught.
350
00:13:12,400 --> 00:13:14,445
[phone ringing]
351
00:13:14,532 --> 00:13:17,144
You know, all my memories
revolve around my dad.
352
00:13:17,231 --> 00:13:20,800
The time he threw my Tamagotchi
down the garbage disposal.
353
00:13:20,887 --> 00:13:23,454
Time he made a pass
at my prom date.
354
00:13:23,541 --> 00:13:26,762
Time he divorced my mom
and married my prom date.
355
00:13:29,156 --> 00:13:30,418
WALDEN:
Guys.
356
00:13:30,505 --> 00:13:32,289
Guys, it'’s
the hospital.
357
00:13:32,376 --> 00:13:34,596
Oh, if it'’s one of
my patients, I'’m not here.
358
00:13:34,683 --> 00:13:35,989
Oh, don'’t worry.
If I'’m your
359
00:13:36,076 --> 00:13:37,251
kid'’s doctor,
I won'’t do that.
360
00:13:38,382 --> 00:13:40,515
It'’s what you say.
361
00:13:40,602 --> 00:13:42,038
Kathy'’s in labor!
362
00:13:42,125 --> 00:13:43,170
We got to go!
363
00:13:43,257 --> 00:13:44,301
I'’ll get an Uber.
364
00:13:44,388 --> 00:13:45,476
I'’ll go grab the car seat.
365
00:13:45,563 --> 00:13:46,434
I'’ll get the
diaper bag.
366
00:13:46,521 --> 00:13:47,696
[doorbell rings]
367
00:13:47,783 --> 00:13:49,132
Oh, God, that'’s the pizza guy.
368
00:13:49,219 --> 00:13:50,481
Um... hey, Alan,
369
00:13:50,568 --> 00:13:51,743
could you pay
the pizza guy?
370
00:13:51,831 --> 00:13:53,833
ALAN:
I'’m in the bathroom!
371
00:13:53,920 --> 00:13:55,835
How does he do it?
372
00:13:58,707 --> 00:14:01,101
♪ Men.♪
373
00:14:01,188 --> 00:14:03,364
Hey, you know,
I-I appreciate you guys coming,
374
00:14:03,451 --> 00:14:04,931
but you really
don'’t have to stay.
375
00:14:05,018 --> 00:14:06,628
Are you kidding?
We want to be here.
376
00:14:06,715 --> 00:14:08,325
You know what
they say.
377
00:14:08,412 --> 00:14:10,284
"To raise a child, it
takes the Village People."
378
00:14:10,371 --> 00:14:12,547
Hey, guys?
379
00:14:12,634 --> 00:14:14,375
I think I may have
gotten way too high.
380
00:14:14,462 --> 00:14:16,029
Can somebody take me
to the hospital?
381
00:14:16,116 --> 00:14:18,031
You'’re in a hospital.
382
00:14:18,118 --> 00:14:19,380
[gasps]
383
00:14:19,467 --> 00:14:20,772
Whoa.
384
00:14:20,860 --> 00:14:21,773
How'’d you do that?
385
00:14:23,340 --> 00:14:24,951
I wonder why
we haven'’t heard anything.
386
00:14:25,038 --> 00:14:27,867
They took Kathy to the delivery
room, like, an hour ago.
387
00:14:27,954 --> 00:14:30,173
Sometimes the baby just
doesn'’t want to come out.
388
00:14:30,260 --> 00:14:31,871
I mean, put yourself
in its position.
389
00:14:31,958 --> 00:14:33,220
For nine months,
you'’ve been floating
390
00:14:33,307 --> 00:14:34,917
in the world'’s
nicest waterbed.
391
00:14:35,004 --> 00:14:37,746
Then somebody opens a trap door,
all the water flows out,
392
00:14:37,833 --> 00:14:40,705
a set of salad tongs grabs you
by the head and yanks you out,
393
00:14:40,792 --> 00:14:42,316
and then some guy
you never seen before
394
00:14:42,403 --> 00:14:44,187
starts slapping
you on the ass.
395
00:14:44,274 --> 00:14:46,842
Reminds me of a trip
I took to Tijuana once.
396
00:14:49,279 --> 00:14:51,499
WALDEN: Aw, look at how cute
that one is.
397
00:14:51,586 --> 00:14:53,196
Yeah, she'’s got
a nice rack, too.
398
00:14:53,283 --> 00:14:55,677
What are you looking at?
399
00:14:55,764 --> 00:14:58,201
The hot nurse.
What are you looking at?
400
00:14:58,288 --> 00:14:59,855
That baby.
401
00:14:59,942 --> 00:15:02,466
Ugh! You guys are sick.
402
00:15:05,165 --> 00:15:07,210
So have you guys decided
on a name for the baby yet?
403
00:15:07,297 --> 00:15:08,951
Oh, no, not yet.
No.
404
00:15:09,038 --> 00:15:10,170
It'’s such a big
responsibility.
405
00:15:10,257 --> 00:15:11,736
I don'’t want
to give him a name
406
00:15:11,823 --> 00:15:13,260
that other kids
can make fun of.
407
00:15:13,347 --> 00:15:15,262
Well, bad news.
Every name can be made fun of.
408
00:15:15,349 --> 00:15:16,916
That'’s not true.
409
00:15:17,003 --> 00:15:17,917
Really?
410
00:15:18,004 --> 00:15:19,222
How'’s your pond, Walden?
411
00:15:21,137 --> 00:15:23,966
It'’s an intellectual insult,
but it still stings.
412
00:15:25,794 --> 00:15:28,536
I was "Larry the fairy"
all through high school.
413
00:15:28,623 --> 00:15:31,582
Oh, no way!
I was "Barry the fairy."
414
00:15:31,669 --> 00:15:34,585
Somebody noticed
that you could rearrange
415
00:15:34,672 --> 00:15:36,022
the letters of "Alan,"
and I became
416
00:15:36,109 --> 00:15:38,415
"Little Anal Harper."
417
00:15:38,502 --> 00:15:39,547
My name'’s "Herb."
418
00:15:39,634 --> 00:15:40,940
Kids skipped the clever puns
419
00:15:41,027 --> 00:15:43,072
and just shoved my head
down a toilet.
420
00:15:43,159 --> 00:15:45,422
Well, I'’m sure
there are plenty of names
421
00:15:45,509 --> 00:15:47,250
that kids can'’t
make jokes about.
422
00:15:47,337 --> 00:15:49,818
Mr. and Mr. Harper-Schmidt?
423
00:15:49,905 --> 00:15:51,559
Yeah, nothing to
worry about there.
424
00:15:51,646 --> 00:15:54,431
Just the hyphenated last name
of the two gay dads.
425
00:15:54,518 --> 00:15:55,693
So how'’s Kathy?
426
00:15:55,780 --> 00:15:57,043
She'’s doing fine.
427
00:15:57,130 --> 00:15:59,436
So is your brand-new baby boy.
428
00:15:59,523 --> 00:16:02,091
Oh, my God,
we got a boy!
429
00:16:02,178 --> 00:16:04,833
I get a do-over for Jake!
430
00:16:04,920 --> 00:16:07,618
I only have to worry
about one penis!
431
00:16:07,705 --> 00:16:09,229
I like to wear
women'’s underwear!
432
00:16:09,316 --> 00:16:11,579
What?
433
00:16:11,666 --> 00:16:14,886
I thought we were
confessing things.
434
00:16:16,671 --> 00:16:18,499
NURSE:
There he is.
435
00:16:18,586 --> 00:16:19,935
ALL:
Aw...
436
00:16:22,111 --> 00:16:24,244
He'’s got your nose
and Alan'’s eyes.
437
00:16:25,636 --> 00:16:27,029
Larry, I told you
before that...
438
00:16:28,248 --> 00:16:31,120
Thank you, Larry.
439
00:16:31,207 --> 00:16:33,383
ALAN: Look at him.
He'’s so amazing.
440
00:16:33,470 --> 00:16:35,037
WALDEN: I can'’t think of
anything more beautiful
441
00:16:35,124 --> 00:16:36,996
than what I'’m looking
at right now.
442
00:16:37,083 --> 00:16:39,172
Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
It'’s true,
that'’s the truth.
443
00:16:39,259 --> 00:16:41,565
But how much more
beautiful would it be
444
00:16:41,652 --> 00:16:43,828
if those two nurses just
started making out right now?
445
00:16:43,915 --> 00:16:46,396
Mm-hmm.Oh, yeah.
446
00:16:46,483 --> 00:16:48,355
♪ Men.♪
447
00:16:50,835 --> 00:16:52,185
ALAN:
Hey.
448
00:16:52,272 --> 00:16:53,621
How you doing?
449
00:16:53,708 --> 00:16:55,362
I'’m good.
450
00:16:55,449 --> 00:16:56,754
Tired.
451
00:16:56,841 --> 00:16:58,365
Sore.
452
00:16:58,452 --> 00:17:01,020
Look at this little guy.
453
00:17:01,107 --> 00:17:02,325
Can I hold him?
454
00:17:02,412 --> 00:17:03,805
Uh, sure.
455
00:17:06,895 --> 00:17:09,593
Oh, he is the cutest thing ever.
456
00:17:09,680 --> 00:17:11,334
Mm-hmm.
457
00:17:11,421 --> 00:17:13,815
Hey, hey... high-five.
458
00:17:13,902 --> 00:17:14,859
You can owe me.
459
00:17:14,946 --> 00:17:16,165
[chuckles]
460
00:17:16,252 --> 00:17:18,994
Welcome to the world,
little buddy.
461
00:17:19,081 --> 00:17:20,909
We'’re gonna have
so much fun.
462
00:17:20,996 --> 00:17:22,737
We'’re gonna go to
ball games together
463
00:17:22,824 --> 00:17:24,521
and go swimming together
464
00:17:24,608 --> 00:17:28,134
and pick up chick... ens
together.
465
00:17:28,221 --> 00:17:30,484
Smile. Come on.
466
00:17:30,571 --> 00:17:32,312
Okay, uh...
467
00:17:32,399 --> 00:17:35,097
Oh, oh, oh.
Look at that picture.
468
00:17:35,184 --> 00:17:37,795
The two most handsome
men in the world.
469
00:17:37,882 --> 00:17:39,841
And they'’re both mine.
470
00:17:39,928 --> 00:17:41,234
[baby crying]Oh, oh...
471
00:17:41,321 --> 00:17:42,539
Oh, what'’s the matter?
472
00:17:42,626 --> 00:17:44,193
Uh, maybe he wants his mommy.
473
00:17:44,280 --> 00:17:45,499
Oh, all right,
come here, little buddy.
474
00:17:45,586 --> 00:17:47,805
Uh, I think he might be hungry.
475
00:17:47,892 --> 00:17:49,111
Oh, of course.
476
00:17:49,198 --> 00:17:50,373
Oh, yeah, of course.
477
00:17:50,460 --> 00:17:51,983
Okay, here.
478
00:17:52,071 --> 00:17:54,334
There.
479
00:17:54,421 --> 00:17:57,032
I miss him already.
480
00:17:57,119 --> 00:17:58,947
Yeah, it'’s hard to let him go.
481
00:18:01,297 --> 00:18:03,169
Actually, it'’s impossible.
482
00:18:04,822 --> 00:18:06,172
Oh.
483
00:18:06,259 --> 00:18:07,999
I am so sorry.
484
00:18:09,871 --> 00:18:11,568
Wait. What, uh...
what just happened?
485
00:18:11,655 --> 00:18:13,135
Did I... did I
miss something?
486
00:18:15,790 --> 00:18:18,009
She'’s keeping the baby.
487
00:18:18,097 --> 00:18:19,968
Uh...
488
00:18:20,055 --> 00:18:22,101
But what-what
about law school?
489
00:18:22,188 --> 00:18:23,798
The-the five-year plan?
490
00:18:23,885 --> 00:18:26,888
After I saw this little guy...
491
00:18:26,975 --> 00:18:28,498
the plan changed.
492
00:18:30,674 --> 00:18:34,896
I mean, before, I couldn'’t
imagine my life with him.
493
00:18:34,983 --> 00:18:37,594
Now I can'’t imagine it
without him.
494
00:18:37,681 --> 00:18:40,771
But... but he'’s gonna
be a great dad.
495
00:18:40,858 --> 00:18:42,599
Alan...
No, no.
H-He loves him.
496
00:18:42,686 --> 00:18:44,427
Alan, it'’s...
497
00:18:44,514 --> 00:18:46,560
Okay, let'’s-let'’s just
approach this practically.
498
00:18:46,647 --> 00:18:48,039
Um... how much for the kid?
499
00:18:48,127 --> 00:18:49,258
Uh, I have, uh,
500
00:18:49,345 --> 00:18:50,868
I have $32 on me.
501
00:18:50,955 --> 00:18:52,827
I'’m gonna need three dollars
for dinner at ampm,
502
00:18:52,914 --> 00:18:54,002
but the rest is yours.
503
00:18:54,089 --> 00:18:55,656
Believe me, I feel terrible.
504
00:18:55,743 --> 00:18:57,571
You feel terrible?
505
00:18:57,658 --> 00:19:00,356
We'’re-we'’re gonna be driving
home with an empty car seat.
506
00:19:00,443 --> 00:19:02,619
And you know what'’s waiting
for us when we get there?
507
00:19:02,706 --> 00:19:04,752
An empty nursery.
An empty crib.
508
00:19:04,839 --> 00:19:06,145
An empty... uh, uh....
509
00:19:06,232 --> 00:19:07,494
What'’s that Swedish thing
510
00:19:07,581 --> 00:19:09,191
that, uh, that you
wear like a pouch,
511
00:19:09,278 --> 00:19:11,585
to carry your baby
around like a kangaroo?
512
00:19:11,672 --> 00:19:12,673
Bjorn.
513
00:19:12,760 --> 00:19:14,022
An empty Bjorn!
514
00:19:14,109 --> 00:19:16,633
An empty blue baby Bjorn!
515
00:19:16,720 --> 00:19:19,245
Hard to say,
but even harder to face.
516
00:19:19,332 --> 00:19:21,160
Alan, just... stop.
517
00:19:22,552 --> 00:19:23,771
It'’s okay.
518
00:19:25,555 --> 00:19:27,731
I wouldn'’t be able
to give him up either,
519
00:19:27,818 --> 00:19:29,168
so I don'’t blame you.
520
00:19:29,255 --> 00:19:30,517
Really?
521
00:19:30,604 --> 00:19:32,649
I get it.
You'’re his mom.
522
00:19:32,736 --> 00:19:34,956
I'’m so sorry to put you
through all this.
523
00:19:35,043 --> 00:19:36,436
Don'’t be sorry.
524
00:19:36,523 --> 00:19:39,178
He'’s... lucky.
525
00:19:39,265 --> 00:19:41,876
You'’re both...
very lucky.
526
00:19:44,879 --> 00:19:47,403
This man is a saint.
527
00:19:47,490 --> 00:19:48,622
A damn saint.
528
00:19:48,709 --> 00:19:49,797
Let'’s go.
529
00:19:50,972 --> 00:19:52,887
Say good-bye, Elliot.
530
00:19:52,974 --> 00:19:54,802
More like "Smelliot."Alan.
531
00:19:54,889 --> 00:19:56,934
♪ Men.♪
532
00:20:01,809 --> 00:20:02,984
♪ Men.♪
533
00:20:03,071 --> 00:20:04,420
You doing okay?
534
00:20:04,507 --> 00:20:06,683
Yeah.
535
00:20:06,770 --> 00:20:08,685
Can you show me
the picture of him?
536
00:20:08,772 --> 00:20:10,470
Oh, please, don'’t put yourself
through this.
537
00:20:10,557 --> 00:20:12,428
Come on, just
one more time.
538
00:20:12,515 --> 00:20:13,821
Okay.
539
00:20:13,908 --> 00:20:15,823
Here.
540
00:20:18,260 --> 00:20:20,828
Look at him.
541
00:20:20,915 --> 00:20:22,308
He'’s perfect.
542
00:20:25,311 --> 00:20:28,575
I'’m sorry this didn'’t work out
as planned.
543
00:20:28,662 --> 00:20:31,491
He still owes me a high-five.
544
00:20:32,666 --> 00:20:34,189
Don'’t worry.
545
00:20:34,276 --> 00:20:35,930
We'’ll find our kid.
546
00:20:38,062 --> 00:20:40,369
I know.
547
00:20:40,456 --> 00:20:44,155
In the meantime,
you'’re still married to me.
548
00:20:44,243 --> 00:20:46,201
[sobbing]
549
00:20:46,288 --> 00:20:48,203
Yes, I am.
550
00:20:50,336 --> 00:20:53,426
Why couldn'’t Kathy take you
and give me the baby?!
551
00:20:53,513 --> 00:20:57,343
Captioned by
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