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Previously on
Two and a Half Men...
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00:00:03,786 --> 00:00:05,309
I almost died, Alan.
3
00:00:05,396 --> 00:00:06,963
But the important thing is
you didn'’t.
4
00:00:07,050 --> 00:00:08,834
Other than you guys
and my mom, I got nobody.
5
00:00:08,921 --> 00:00:11,402
At least you got Jake.
I want to have a kid of my own.
6
00:00:11,489 --> 00:00:13,491
There'’s no way you'’re getting
a baby-- you'’re a single guy,
7
00:00:13,578 --> 00:00:15,319
and the system is really geared
towards married couples.
8
00:00:15,406 --> 00:00:17,539
Alan Harper,
will you marry me?
9
00:00:17,626 --> 00:00:18,975
I now pronounce you married.
10
00:00:20,194 --> 00:00:22,892
You may kiss.
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00:00:25,808 --> 00:00:27,766
♪ Men.♪
12
00:00:27,853 --> 00:00:30,682
Um, yes, this is Walden Schmidt.
13
00:00:30,769 --> 00:00:32,815
I'’d like to order
a credit card for my husband,
14
00:00:32,902 --> 00:00:35,209
Mr. Alan Harper-Schmidt.
15
00:00:35,296 --> 00:00:37,385
Uh, yeah, and, uh,
refresh my memory.
16
00:00:37,472 --> 00:00:40,301
What'’s the cash advance limit
on my black card?
17
00:00:43,739 --> 00:00:45,654
Holy new Rolex.
18
00:00:48,135 --> 00:00:50,920
Oh, oh, m-my mother'’s
maiden name?
19
00:00:51,007 --> 00:00:54,141
Uh, I didn'’t really know her
before she was married, so...
20
00:00:54,228 --> 00:00:55,403
Morning.
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00:00:55,490 --> 00:00:57,666
Um, uh, I'’ll call back later.
22
00:00:57,753 --> 00:00:59,885
Charities.
23
00:00:59,972 --> 00:01:02,105
It'’s not like the kids won'’t
still be starving in an hour.
24
00:01:03,454 --> 00:01:05,369
Um...
25
00:01:05,456 --> 00:01:07,415
Hey, I was meaning
to ask you something.
26
00:01:07,502 --> 00:01:09,895
Um, what'’s your
mother'’s maiden name?
27
00:01:09,982 --> 00:01:14,465
This might be easier if I just
give you my online password.Oh.
28
00:01:14,552 --> 00:01:17,599
It'’s "Don'’t order
credit cards in my name."
29
00:01:19,470 --> 00:01:22,082
Right, uh, all one word,
no spaces?
30
00:01:22,169 --> 00:01:24,171
Hey, there'’s
the newlyweds.
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I made you some
honeymoon pancakes.
32
00:01:25,781 --> 00:01:27,522
Aw...
33
00:01:27,609 --> 00:01:29,219
They'’re in the shapes
of hearts and arrows.
34
00:01:29,306 --> 00:01:31,787
Oh, actually,
they'’re asses and...
35
00:01:31,874 --> 00:01:33,702
Uh, sure--
hearts and arrows.
36
00:01:33,789 --> 00:01:35,225
[laughs]
37
00:01:35,312 --> 00:01:38,098
Alan, my arrow'’s twice
as big as yours.
38
00:01:38,185 --> 00:01:39,403
Mine'’s life-size.
39
00:01:39,490 --> 00:01:40,709
I'’m still gonna be hungry.
40
00:01:40,796 --> 00:01:43,277
I just realized,
Walden,
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00:01:43,364 --> 00:01:45,322
that I worked for you
when you were single.
42
00:01:45,409 --> 00:01:47,933
And now you'’re married.
43
00:01:48,020 --> 00:01:51,415
Maybe someday I'’ll be working
for you when you'’re a widower.
44
00:01:51,502 --> 00:01:53,069
Bacon, Zippy?
45
00:01:55,158 --> 00:01:57,378
So, how'’s the adoption
process going?
46
00:01:57,465 --> 00:01:59,467
Is somebody other than Alan
calling you "Daddy"?
47
00:02:03,862 --> 00:02:06,343
It'’s going great.
48
00:02:06,430 --> 00:02:08,084
We have a meeting with
the social services department
49
00:02:08,171 --> 00:02:09,085
this week.
50
00:02:09,172 --> 00:02:10,826
Nice.
51
00:02:10,913 --> 00:02:13,307
So, if you do get a kid,
which room is he gonna live in?
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00:02:17,224 --> 00:02:19,182
Oh, guys, I'’m kind of
a drunken slut,
53
00:02:19,269 --> 00:02:21,402
I don'’t think I should
share a room with a baby.
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00:02:23,099 --> 00:02:25,971
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
55
00:02:26,058 --> 00:02:28,626
♪ Ah.
♪ Men.
♪ Men.
56
00:02:33,327 --> 00:02:35,111
♪ Men.♪
57
00:02:35,198 --> 00:02:37,026
Hey, what ya doing?
58
00:02:37,113 --> 00:02:39,289
Oh, paperwork for our meeting
with the social worker.
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00:02:39,376 --> 00:02:41,944
Um, household
net worth.
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00:02:42,031 --> 00:02:45,077
Well, let'’s see, uh, you'’re
worth a billion dollars,
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00:02:45,165 --> 00:02:46,818
so together we are worth...
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00:02:46,905 --> 00:02:48,820
A little bit less than
a billion dollars.
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00:02:50,866 --> 00:02:53,303
Hey, so Evelyn said it'’s cool
if I crash at her place.
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00:02:53,390 --> 00:02:54,652
What, wait--
it was that easy?
65
00:02:54,739 --> 00:02:56,480
My mom never
lets me stay there.
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00:02:56,567 --> 00:02:58,134
Yeah, she'’s gonna let me live
in the guest house.
67
00:02:58,221 --> 00:03:00,136
There'’s a guest house?!
68
00:03:00,223 --> 00:03:02,182
If-if you need, uh, help
moving, let us know.
69
00:03:02,269 --> 00:03:04,140
Thanks, but Evelyn said
I could borrow the Range Rover.
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00:03:04,227 --> 00:03:06,795
There'’s a Range Rover?!
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00:03:06,882 --> 00:03:08,579
Oh, hey, uh, what should
I put down for, uh...
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00:03:08,666 --> 00:03:10,233
"Why do you want
to adopt a child?"
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00:03:10,320 --> 00:03:11,234
Hmm.
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00:03:11,321 --> 00:03:12,453
'’Cause we'’re dudes,
75
00:03:12,540 --> 00:03:13,454
and we don'’t have
baby holes?
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00:03:13,541 --> 00:03:15,412
[laughing]
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00:03:18,415 --> 00:03:19,721
You know you have
to sell yourself
78
00:03:19,808 --> 00:03:20,852
as a real couple, right?
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00:03:20,939 --> 00:03:22,637
We are a real couple.
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00:03:22,724 --> 00:03:24,552
That'’s why we got married
in the first place.
81
00:03:24,639 --> 00:03:26,771
Yeah, it also gave us the chance
to register at Crate & Barrel
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00:03:26,858 --> 00:03:28,164
for this fabulous stemware.
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00:03:28,251 --> 00:03:29,513
[chimes]Ding.
84
00:03:29,600 --> 00:03:30,906
See, you'’re making jokes instead
85
00:03:30,993 --> 00:03:33,387
of expressing real emotion.
86
00:03:33,474 --> 00:03:36,259
You'’re gonna have to prove that
you'’re a real couple, you know?
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00:03:36,346 --> 00:03:38,566
That you'’re in love,
that you'’re soul mates,
88
00:03:38,653 --> 00:03:41,221
that you can'’t survive
without the other.
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00:03:41,308 --> 00:03:43,440
I actually can'’t survive
without him.
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00:03:43,527 --> 00:03:44,441
I am just saying,
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00:03:44,528 --> 00:03:45,573
I don'’t want to see you
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00:03:45,660 --> 00:03:46,704
put all this work in and not get
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00:03:46,791 --> 00:03:48,489
the payoff you deserve.
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00:03:48,576 --> 00:03:50,186
It'’s like when you get
"the tap."
95
00:03:50,273 --> 00:03:52,057
Get the what?The tap.
96
00:03:52,144 --> 00:03:54,016
You know, when you'’re
in bed with a girl,
97
00:03:54,103 --> 00:03:56,018
and you'’ve been
down there for a while,
98
00:03:56,105 --> 00:03:58,499
and suddenly she gives you
the old "Thanks for trying" tap
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00:03:58,586 --> 00:03:59,978
on the top of the head.
100
00:04:01,545 --> 00:04:02,720
Ah...
101
00:04:02,807 --> 00:04:05,897
Oh, yeah, the tap, yeah.
102
00:04:05,984 --> 00:04:07,682
I hate the tap.
Mm.
103
00:04:07,769 --> 00:04:10,162
You know, I am sure
that we can be believable
104
00:04:10,250 --> 00:04:12,382
as a loving couple.
105
00:04:12,469 --> 00:04:14,036
You want to see believable?
This... [stammers]
106
00:04:14,123 --> 00:04:15,690
Watch.
107
00:04:15,777 --> 00:04:17,213
Alan,
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I love you.
109
00:04:18,997 --> 00:04:21,043
And I love you, Walden.
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00:04:21,130 --> 00:04:22,827
[laughing]
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00:04:22,914 --> 00:04:25,047
I'’m sorry.
112
00:04:25,134 --> 00:04:27,745
You have this one nose hair
that keeps going in and out.Oh.
113
00:04:27,832 --> 00:04:30,487
And I laughed because
no one could possibly love me.
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00:04:35,100 --> 00:04:37,189
♪ Men.♪
115
00:04:37,277 --> 00:04:38,843
Guess what I just finished.
116
00:04:38,930 --> 00:04:41,150
Once again,
you don'’t have to tell me
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00:04:41,237 --> 00:04:42,934
every time you masturbate.
118
00:04:43,021 --> 00:04:46,198
I will not apologize
for sharing my day with you.
119
00:04:48,026 --> 00:04:49,158
But that is not this.
120
00:04:49,245 --> 00:04:50,942
It is my essay describing
121
00:04:51,029 --> 00:04:52,422
what I love about my spouse
122
00:04:52,509 --> 00:04:54,032
for our meeting
with the social worker.
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00:04:54,119 --> 00:04:56,165
Ah, good, I'’m so nervous
about this meeting.
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00:04:56,252 --> 00:04:59,037
I'’m somehow constipated and
wracked with explosive diarrhea.
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00:05:00,952 --> 00:05:03,477
You'’re not the only one
who can share his day.
126
00:05:03,564 --> 00:05:05,392
Well, after she reads this,
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00:05:05,479 --> 00:05:07,959
there'’s no way she won'’t
believe we'’re a couple.
128
00:05:08,046 --> 00:05:12,790
Okay, uh, "Walden is the most
caring person I know.
129
00:05:12,877 --> 00:05:14,705
He always puts my needs
before his own."
130
00:05:14,792 --> 00:05:16,490
Uh, "Whether it'’s surprising me
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00:05:16,577 --> 00:05:18,622
"with an espresso and a
chocolate croissant in bed,
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00:05:18,709 --> 00:05:20,668
"glamping in a yurt
at Big Sur,
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00:05:20,755 --> 00:05:23,148
"or sneaking up behind me
in the shower with a loofah
134
00:05:23,235 --> 00:05:25,063
to exfoliate those hard-to-reach
places..."
135
00:05:27,065 --> 00:05:28,502
"...he'’s my everything--
136
00:05:28,589 --> 00:05:31,679
my husband, my lover,
my friend."
137
00:05:33,507 --> 00:05:35,030
"My Wally Bear."
138
00:05:38,033 --> 00:05:39,121
My God.
139
00:05:39,208 --> 00:05:40,427
I know.
140
00:05:40,514 --> 00:05:41,645
Now read me yours.
141
00:05:44,213 --> 00:05:46,911
Okay, um...
142
00:05:46,998 --> 00:05:49,436
"Alan is my best friend."
143
00:05:49,523 --> 00:05:51,089
Loving it!
144
00:05:53,527 --> 00:05:55,442
"He'’s 47 years old.
145
00:05:57,661 --> 00:05:59,837
"He used to be a chiropractor.
146
00:05:59,924 --> 00:06:02,579
"He has never been
convicted of a felony.
147
00:06:04,233 --> 00:06:07,105
And his favorite meal
is swordfish."
148
00:06:09,543 --> 00:06:11,675
Are you kidding me?
149
00:06:11,762 --> 00:06:13,503
That'’swhat you love about me?
150
00:06:13,590 --> 00:06:15,113
That I'’ve never
been convictedof a felony?
151
00:06:15,200 --> 00:06:16,898
I told you it'’s
a work in progress.
152
00:06:16,985 --> 00:06:18,595
What do you want me to say?
153
00:06:18,682 --> 00:06:21,163
He masturbates
with impressive frequency?
154
00:06:21,250 --> 00:06:23,687
At least that would show
you'’re paying attention.
155
00:06:23,774 --> 00:06:25,428
[doorbell rings]And, by the way--
156
00:06:25,515 --> 00:06:28,518
my favorite meal
is red snapper.
157
00:06:33,305 --> 00:06:34,437
Hi, Alan.
158
00:06:34,524 --> 00:06:36,047
Walden.
159
00:06:36,134 --> 00:06:38,441
Lyndsey, what'’s, uh,
what'’s going on?
160
00:06:38,528 --> 00:06:39,877
I-I thought you were
in rehab.
161
00:06:39,964 --> 00:06:42,053
I was, I-I got out
a couple days ago.
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00:06:42,140 --> 00:06:43,620
Oh, well, that'’s great.
C-Come on it.
163
00:06:46,101 --> 00:06:49,409
How'’d it go?It was the hardest thing
I'’ve ever done in my life.
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00:06:49,496 --> 00:06:51,062
But-but on the plus side,
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00:06:51,149 --> 00:06:52,977
it was right up the
street here in Malibu,
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00:06:53,064 --> 00:06:55,371
so ocean views,
spa, chef,
167
00:06:55,458 --> 00:06:56,851
it was like
a five-star hotel.
168
00:06:56,938 --> 00:07:00,507
Except they take
your shoelaces.
169
00:07:00,594 --> 00:07:03,684
Well, I'’m sure you two have
a lot to talk about.
170
00:07:03,771 --> 00:07:05,642
So, I'’m just gonna go
in the kitchen
171
00:07:05,729 --> 00:07:06,948
and pretend I'’m not listening.
172
00:07:09,298 --> 00:07:13,128
Um, so, Lyndsey,
I-I'’m so proud of you.
173
00:07:13,215 --> 00:07:14,521
Uh, how are you doing?
174
00:07:14,608 --> 00:07:16,174
I'’m good.
175
00:07:16,261 --> 00:07:18,002
Um, I-I just got
my 60-day chip.
Oh.
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00:07:18,089 --> 00:07:21,136
And part of my recovery
is to make amends
177
00:07:21,223 --> 00:07:22,746
to the people I'’ve hurt.
178
00:07:22,833 --> 00:07:24,487
So, I apologize for everything
179
00:07:24,574 --> 00:07:27,011
I did to you
while I was drinking.
180
00:07:27,098 --> 00:07:29,361
Oh, well, I appreciate that, um,
181
00:07:29,449 --> 00:07:31,276
but some of the things
you did to me,
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00:07:31,363 --> 00:07:32,452
you don'’t have to apologize for.
183
00:07:34,018 --> 00:07:35,846
I mean, we had sex
in a Chipotle.
184
00:07:37,979 --> 00:07:41,504
I ate my burrito,
you ate my burrito.
185
00:07:43,506 --> 00:07:45,595
I ate your taco.
186
00:07:45,682 --> 00:07:48,380
And I later threw up
in your car.
187
00:07:48,468 --> 00:07:51,949
Yes, uh, but chunks weren'’t the
only thing you blew that day.
188
00:07:55,605 --> 00:07:59,304
Um, there is one other thing.
189
00:07:59,391 --> 00:08:02,830
If-if I haven'’t burned
too many bridges,
190
00:08:02,917 --> 00:08:06,355
I was wondering if maybe you
and I could give it another try.
191
00:08:06,442 --> 00:08:07,530
Oh, wow.
192
00:08:07,617 --> 00:08:08,531
Wow, that-that
is flattering.
193
00:08:08,618 --> 00:08:10,054
Um, it'’s just...
194
00:08:10,141 --> 00:08:11,491
[sighs]
You'’re seeing somebody else.
195
00:08:11,578 --> 00:08:15,190
Uh, kind of, um...
196
00:08:15,277 --> 00:08:16,713
Uh, uh, I'’m...
197
00:08:16,800 --> 00:08:18,498
You'’re married?!
198
00:08:19,716 --> 00:08:20,848
That doesn'’t make any sense.
199
00:08:20,935 --> 00:08:21,892
Who is she?
200
00:08:21,979 --> 00:08:24,982
Uh...
201
00:08:25,069 --> 00:08:28,029
Uh, she is-is
actually, uh, a "he."
202
00:08:28,116 --> 00:08:29,465
Um...
203
00:08:29,552 --> 00:08:31,119
It'’s... it'’s Walden.
204
00:08:31,206 --> 00:08:33,556
Oh, my God.
205
00:08:34,731 --> 00:08:36,864
Walden'’s gay?!
206
00:08:39,562 --> 00:08:41,564
♪ Men.♪
207
00:08:41,651 --> 00:08:43,653
So, I guess what
I'’m interested in is
208
00:08:43,740 --> 00:08:45,176
how you two got together.
209
00:08:45,263 --> 00:08:47,527
Uh, well, w-we met
at the dog park.
210
00:08:47,614 --> 00:08:50,181
His Labradoodle
sniffed my shih tzu.
211
00:08:51,531 --> 00:08:53,750
I remember when I proposed.
212
00:08:53,837 --> 00:08:55,709
I-I got down on one knee,
213
00:08:55,796 --> 00:08:57,537
and I looked up
into his beautiful...
214
00:08:58,886 --> 00:09:01,323
...blue eyes,
215
00:09:01,410 --> 00:09:03,543
and I asked him to share
his life with me.
216
00:09:03,630 --> 00:09:05,762
I guess what
I'’m getting at is the fact
217
00:09:05,849 --> 00:09:08,025
that you'’ve both been
married to women before.
218
00:09:08,112 --> 00:09:09,853
So, when did you realize
you were gay?
219
00:09:09,940 --> 00:09:13,683
Oh, well, on some level,
I'’ve always known. Um...
220
00:09:15,642 --> 00:09:18,079
I mean, throughout, uh,
both of my marriages,
221
00:09:18,166 --> 00:09:19,907
I was in complete denial.
222
00:09:19,994 --> 00:09:21,212
Um, but after I met Walden,
223
00:09:21,299 --> 00:09:23,606
I finally felt safe
to-to be myself.
224
00:09:23,693 --> 00:09:25,608
Uh, I remember
our first date.
225
00:09:25,695 --> 00:09:27,567
Uh, we went to the Bowl to
see the Greasesing-along.
226
00:09:27,654 --> 00:09:29,307
Ah, "Tell me more,
tell me more."
227
00:09:29,394 --> 00:09:31,266
Well, uh, Walden was
dressed as Danny Zuko,
228
00:09:31,353 --> 00:09:32,876
uh, and I was Sandy--
229
00:09:32,963 --> 00:09:34,486
uh, hot Sandy, you
know, in the leather.
230
00:09:34,574 --> 00:09:36,140
No, no, no, I was doing
the song, you know--
231
00:09:36,227 --> 00:09:37,446
♪ Tell me more,
tell me more... ♪
232
00:09:37,533 --> 00:09:39,883
Oh, my God!
233
00:09:39,970 --> 00:09:41,363
Did I miss a show tune cue?!
234
00:09:41,450 --> 00:09:42,451
[laughs]
235
00:09:42,538 --> 00:09:44,714
Somebody take away my gay card.
236
00:09:46,760 --> 00:09:48,500
And how about you, Walden?
237
00:09:48,588 --> 00:09:50,415
When did you know you were gay?
238
00:09:50,502 --> 00:09:54,332
I guess my first clue was
when I saw Basic Instinct.
239
00:09:54,419 --> 00:09:56,900
All my friends were looking up
Sharon Stone'’s skirt,
240
00:09:56,987 --> 00:09:58,772
and I was just looking
at her shoes.
241
00:10:00,817 --> 00:10:03,646
And I guess I got married
because of social pressures,
242
00:10:03,733 --> 00:10:06,910
but, eventually,
I had to be true to who I am.
243
00:10:06,997 --> 00:10:08,346
And I'’ve never
looked back since.
244
00:10:08,433 --> 00:10:10,392
Unless I'’m behind him.
245
00:10:10,479 --> 00:10:13,090
[both laughing nervously]
246
00:10:15,179 --> 00:10:17,094
[laughing nervously]:
That'’s a good one.
247
00:10:17,181 --> 00:10:18,705
Ah...
248
00:10:18,792 --> 00:10:21,925
You two are
an interesting couple.
249
00:10:22,012 --> 00:10:23,710
Yeah, I see hundreds
of potential parents,
250
00:10:23,797 --> 00:10:24,972
but you two are
different somehow.
251
00:10:25,059 --> 00:10:26,234
I'’m not sure what it is.
252
00:10:26,321 --> 00:10:28,236
Well, uh, maybe it'’s the fact
253
00:10:28,323 --> 00:10:30,630
that I-I look like I'’m wearing
makeup, but I'’m not.
254
00:10:32,632 --> 00:10:35,765
Y-You know, we may not be
like other couples, but...
255
00:10:35,852 --> 00:10:37,549
I know we can be
good parents.
256
00:10:37,637 --> 00:10:39,334
I get that, but it is my job
257
00:10:39,421 --> 00:10:41,597
to be a hundred percent sure
before I place a child.
258
00:10:41,684 --> 00:10:43,381
No, n-no,
look, look...
259
00:10:43,468 --> 00:10:46,602
I-I know we can provide
unconditional love to a child,
260
00:10:46,689 --> 00:10:50,737
a-and w-we can create a safe,
secure environment, and...
261
00:10:52,303 --> 00:10:54,523
What do people
that get kids say?
262
00:10:54,610 --> 00:10:56,046
How about this--
263
00:10:56,133 --> 00:10:57,569
how about I come out
to your house?
264
00:10:57,657 --> 00:10:59,267
We normally do
a site visit anyway.
265
00:10:59,354 --> 00:11:01,356
This way I could get to know
you guys a little better.
266
00:11:01,443 --> 00:11:03,271
Yeah, great, yeah,
why don'’t you come on over,
267
00:11:03,358 --> 00:11:06,100
and you'’ll see that we'’re
j-just a normal loving couple.
268
00:11:06,187 --> 00:11:07,579
Right, sweetie?
269
00:11:07,667 --> 00:11:09,451
That-that'’s right,
Wally Bear.
270
00:11:09,538 --> 00:11:10,800
I love this guy.
271
00:11:15,152 --> 00:11:16,893
♪ Men.♪
272
00:11:21,245 --> 00:11:22,551
♪ Men.♪
273
00:11:22,638 --> 00:11:23,552
Hey.
274
00:11:23,639 --> 00:11:24,901
Oh, flowers.
Nice touch.
275
00:11:24,988 --> 00:11:26,511
Gives the house a homey feel.
276
00:11:26,598 --> 00:11:28,165
They'’re for you.
277
00:11:28,252 --> 00:11:29,906
Really?
278
00:11:29,993 --> 00:11:32,256
I'’m, uh, actually a lily man.
279
00:11:32,343 --> 00:11:33,954
Uh, but they'’re very nice.
280
00:11:34,041 --> 00:11:35,042
Alan, listen.
281
00:11:35,129 --> 00:11:36,652
Jenny was right.
282
00:11:36,739 --> 00:11:38,698
We are not believable
as a loving couple,
283
00:11:38,785 --> 00:11:41,222
and I think that'’s why Miss
McMartin wasn'’t sure about us.
284
00:11:41,309 --> 00:11:42,789
Now, this has
to be real.
285
00:11:42,876 --> 00:11:44,486
And that includes--
286
00:11:44,573 --> 00:11:46,706
being comfortable with
physical affection.
287
00:11:46,793 --> 00:11:48,708
Like this.
288
00:11:51,536 --> 00:11:52,537
Come on.
289
00:11:52,624 --> 00:11:54,365
Loosen up.
290
00:11:54,452 --> 00:11:57,368
I-I'’m loose, it just feels
a little forced, that'’s all.
291
00:11:57,455 --> 00:11:59,806
Okay, well, let
it be natural.
292
00:11:59,893 --> 00:12:01,721
Just snuggle into
these broad shoulders.
293
00:12:08,031 --> 00:12:09,946
I do feel safe.
294
00:12:10,033 --> 00:12:12,209
Damn right, you do.
295
00:12:12,296 --> 00:12:14,168
You'’re with
your Wally Bear.
296
00:12:16,300 --> 00:12:18,781
Now, look
into my eyes.
297
00:12:18,868 --> 00:12:20,087
Like this?
298
00:12:20,174 --> 00:12:21,088
Yeah, exactly.
299
00:12:21,175 --> 00:12:22,742
And don'’t look away.
300
00:12:26,354 --> 00:12:28,051
We love each other.
301
00:12:28,138 --> 00:12:29,183
You'’re at home.
302
00:12:31,141 --> 00:12:34,231
Oh, I just noticed a little
green fleck in your right eye.
303
00:12:34,318 --> 00:12:36,059
It'’s like a-a downy
patch of moss
304
00:12:36,146 --> 00:12:38,496
on the trunk
of a majestic oak.
305
00:12:38,583 --> 00:12:40,803
[whispering]:
Thank you.
306
00:12:42,979 --> 00:12:45,634
Sometimes I worry that I'’m not
good-looking enough for you.
307
00:12:45,721 --> 00:12:47,941
Come on.
308
00:12:48,028 --> 00:12:49,290
You'’re perfect just
the way you are.
309
00:12:50,726 --> 00:12:51,945
My Alley Cat.
310
00:12:53,555 --> 00:12:54,948
A nickname.
311
00:12:56,297 --> 00:12:58,734
Sometimes...
312
00:12:58,821 --> 00:13:02,085
I worry that you don'’t know
how much you mean to me.
313
00:13:02,172 --> 00:13:05,088
I want to be
your everything.
314
00:13:19,276 --> 00:13:22,192
All right, yeah!
315
00:13:22,279 --> 00:13:24,325
That was convincing.
316
00:13:24,412 --> 00:13:25,935
We do that in front
of Miss McMartin,
317
00:13:26,022 --> 00:13:27,676
we'’ll get ten babies.
318
00:13:27,763 --> 00:13:29,417
Yeah, yeah.
319
00:13:29,504 --> 00:13:32,507
That was good enough
to fool just about anyone.
320
00:13:32,594 --> 00:13:34,161
[chuckles nervously]
321
00:13:34,248 --> 00:13:36,206
[sighs]
322
00:13:36,293 --> 00:13:38,556
♪ Men.♪
323
00:13:38,643 --> 00:13:40,863
So, this is
our kitchen.
324
00:13:40,950 --> 00:13:42,212
We love to
cook together.
325
00:13:42,299 --> 00:13:43,648
Uh, correction,
I love to cook,
326
00:13:43,735 --> 00:13:45,346
he loves to eat.
327
00:13:45,433 --> 00:13:48,349
See? This is what
I wanted to see.
328
00:13:48,436 --> 00:13:50,003
The two of you just
being yourselves.
329
00:13:50,090 --> 00:13:51,439
Happy, relaxed.
330
00:13:51,526 --> 00:13:53,093
[doorbell rings]Oh, I'’ll get that.
331
00:13:53,180 --> 00:13:55,008
If you really want
to see us relaxed
332
00:13:55,095 --> 00:13:56,966
you should come by
for brunch someday.
333
00:13:57,053 --> 00:13:59,577
The Mary'’s are bloody
and the Lorraine'’s are quiche.
334
00:13:59,664 --> 00:14:02,189
Oh, I can see why
you fell in love with him.
335
00:14:02,276 --> 00:14:04,582
Really?
336
00:14:04,669 --> 00:14:07,107
What did you see exactly?
337
00:14:08,717 --> 00:14:10,762
Alan!
338
00:14:10,850 --> 00:14:12,764
Lyndsey?
339
00:14:12,852 --> 00:14:14,418
Um, have you
been drinking?
340
00:14:14,505 --> 00:14:17,682
Uh, ding-ding-ding,
we have a wiener...
341
00:14:17,769 --> 00:14:19,075
Whoa, whoa,
okay, okay, shh!
342
00:14:19,162 --> 00:14:20,250
W-What are you
doing here?
343
00:14:20,337 --> 00:14:22,731
Well, you said
you and Walden
344
00:14:22,818 --> 00:14:24,776
are just getting married
to get a kid.
345
00:14:24,864 --> 00:14:28,084
So, there'’s no reason you can'’t
have sex with me on the side.
346
00:14:28,171 --> 00:14:29,825
You know, the "DL."
347
00:14:29,912 --> 00:14:32,784
That means "Do Lyndsey."
348
00:14:32,872 --> 00:14:35,657
Okay, okay, okay, this
is not a good time.
349
00:14:35,744 --> 00:14:37,050
Uh, the-the social
worker'’s here.
350
00:14:37,137 --> 00:14:38,268
Oh, that'’s great!
351
00:14:38,355 --> 00:14:40,009
I can help you guys.
352
00:14:40,096 --> 00:14:42,272
I can tell her that
you'’ll be good parents.
353
00:14:42,359 --> 00:14:44,144
And I know because
I'’m a g... Oh.
354
00:14:45,928 --> 00:14:47,930
...mother.
355
00:14:48,017 --> 00:14:50,150
Okay, um...
356
00:14:50,237 --> 00:14:52,761
maybe-maybe we should go
to my room a-and talk.
357
00:14:52,848 --> 00:14:56,417
I won'’t be able to talk much,
'’cause my mouth will be full.
358
00:14:56,504 --> 00:14:57,897
Wink, wink.
359
00:14:57,984 --> 00:14:59,811
[giggles]Hopefully with breath mints.
360
00:15:01,726 --> 00:15:04,729
You wait in here and I will
call a cab to take you home.
361
00:15:04,816 --> 00:15:08,646
My home is in your pants.
362
00:15:08,733 --> 00:15:11,084
What happened? Why did
you start drinking again?
363
00:15:11,171 --> 00:15:12,999
Well, '’cause you married Walden.
364
00:15:13,086 --> 00:15:15,653
The only person in your life
who'’s prettier than me.
365
00:15:15,740 --> 00:15:17,829
But you know we'’re just
doing that to get a kid.
366
00:15:17,917 --> 00:15:20,484
Yeah, but if I wasn'’t
so screwed up last year,
367
00:15:20,571 --> 00:15:22,095
then we would still be together.
368
00:15:22,182 --> 00:15:24,314
Then we could get married
and have a baby. [gasps]
369
00:15:24,401 --> 00:15:26,186
We could sell that baby
to Walden.
370
00:15:26,273 --> 00:15:28,144
'’Cause let'’s face it,
371
00:15:28,231 --> 00:15:30,059
we don'’t want to raise
another kid,
372
00:15:30,146 --> 00:15:31,974
'’cause both our kids suck.
373
00:15:32,061 --> 00:15:34,281
Okay, uh, refreshing,
drunk honesty aside,
374
00:15:34,368 --> 00:15:35,543
um, d-don'’t blame yourself.
375
00:15:35,630 --> 00:15:37,501
We all made mistakes.
376
00:15:37,588 --> 00:15:39,677
But we shouldn'’t let those
mistakes ruin things for Walden.
377
00:15:39,764 --> 00:15:41,592
Shh. You talk too much.
378
00:15:41,679 --> 00:15:43,203
Let'’s party.
379
00:15:46,597 --> 00:15:48,686
Lyndsey? Lyndsey?
380
00:15:48,773 --> 00:15:50,993
[groans]
381
00:15:51,080 --> 00:15:53,953
Wow, a half-naked drunk girl
is in my bed and I'’m leaving.
382
00:15:54,040 --> 00:15:55,171
Maybe I am gay.
383
00:15:56,912 --> 00:15:59,393
I like to imagine the
family gathered here,
384
00:15:59,480 --> 00:16:01,917
eating an all-organic,
gluten-free meal
385
00:16:02,004 --> 00:16:04,485
of quinoa salad
and kale chips
386
00:16:04,572 --> 00:16:06,922
while watching the
original reality TV:
387
00:16:07,009 --> 00:16:09,359
a beautiful
ocean sunset.
388
00:16:09,446 --> 00:16:12,014
As long as this is a stable
environment for a child,
389
00:16:12,101 --> 00:16:13,842
I don'’t care
if you'’re eating Hot Pockets
390
00:16:13,929 --> 00:16:15,887
and watching Honey Boo Boo.
391
00:16:15,975 --> 00:16:19,021
Uh, uh, Wally Bear, uh, can
I borrow you for a minute?
392
00:16:19,108 --> 00:16:21,589
Is it an emergency,
Alley Cat?
393
00:16:21,676 --> 00:16:25,332
Uh, it'’s more of a-a pickle, uh,
that needs immediate attention.
394
00:16:27,029 --> 00:16:28,944
Oh, it'’s okay. Go.
395
00:16:29,031 --> 00:16:31,338
Yeah, I would never come between
a man and his husband'’s pickle.
396
00:16:33,993 --> 00:16:36,343
Lyndsey'’s here.
She'’s drunk.
397
00:16:36,430 --> 00:16:37,518
Why?
398
00:16:37,605 --> 00:16:38,823
She wants to have sex with me.
399
00:16:38,910 --> 00:16:40,738
Why?
400
00:16:40,825 --> 00:16:41,913
Wait... Where is she?
401
00:16:42,001 --> 00:16:43,524
She'’s passed out in my room.
402
00:16:43,611 --> 00:16:45,395
Okay, okay, we-we need
to get Ms. McMartin
403
00:16:45,482 --> 00:16:47,049
out of here as fast as we can.
404
00:16:47,136 --> 00:16:48,920
Right, right. Oh, um,
by the way, when Lyndsey
405
00:16:49,008 --> 00:16:50,400
tried to kiss me,
I was totally into it.
406
00:16:50,487 --> 00:16:51,575
I don'’t know why I was worried.
407
00:16:51,662 --> 00:16:53,360
Worried about what?
408
00:16:53,447 --> 00:16:54,970
Nothing. Let'’s get her
out of here.
409
00:16:56,537 --> 00:16:57,929
Mm. Everything okay?
410
00:16:58,017 --> 00:16:59,757
Yes, we just had
to reset the...
411
00:16:59,844 --> 00:17:01,933
The, um...
[mumbles]:
...flaven on the stave.
412
00:17:02,021 --> 00:17:03,805
But, uh, everything'’s
413
00:17:03,892 --> 00:17:06,286
okay now. Uh, c-can
I get you anything?
414
00:17:06,373 --> 00:17:07,939
Like directions for
your drive home, or...
415
00:17:08,027 --> 00:17:09,767
You know, I actually
do have to get going.
416
00:17:09,854 --> 00:17:11,421
I did not realize
it was this late.What?
417
00:17:11,508 --> 00:17:13,249
No.Oh.
418
00:17:13,336 --> 00:17:15,599
I'’m so
disappointed.Oh.
419
00:17:15,686 --> 00:17:17,601
I'’ll just get your things
and walk you out.
420
00:17:17,688 --> 00:17:19,908
Oh. There we go.[chuckles]
421
00:17:19,995 --> 00:17:21,779
I got to say,
you look at that view
422
00:17:21,866 --> 00:17:23,042
and you never want to leave.
423
00:17:23,129 --> 00:17:24,913
And yet you must.
424
00:17:25,000 --> 00:17:26,654
Unless you want to adopt me.
425
00:17:26,741 --> 00:17:29,091
[chuckles] You'’re so funny.
Here'’s your jacket.
426
00:17:31,789 --> 00:17:32,877
WALDEN:
Oh, my God.
427
00:17:32,964 --> 00:17:34,836
What?Uh...
428
00:17:34,923 --> 00:17:36,620
This jacket,
it'’s-it'’s fantastic.
429
00:17:36,707 --> 00:17:39,232
What is this, wool?I think so, yeah.
430
00:17:39,319 --> 00:17:41,321
Really? Because I... I would'’ve
thought it was linen.
431
00:17:41,408 --> 00:17:42,974
Doesn'’t it feel
"linen-sy", Alan?
432
00:17:43,062 --> 00:17:44,193
No, it'’s
definitely wool.
433
00:17:46,021 --> 00:17:47,849
Holy crap.What?
434
00:17:47,936 --> 00:17:49,981
Uh... I forgot to
flip the cushions
435
00:17:50,069 --> 00:17:51,200
on the deck
furniture.
436
00:17:51,287 --> 00:17:52,419
Imagine the
mildew.
437
00:17:52,506 --> 00:17:54,551
Alan.
438
00:17:54,638 --> 00:17:56,553
Milady.
439
00:17:59,861 --> 00:18:01,819
Here we go,
almost got it.
440
00:18:01,906 --> 00:18:03,299
If you could
just stay still...
441
00:18:03,386 --> 00:18:04,431
Yeah... Oh.
442
00:18:07,086 --> 00:18:09,653
Uh, all right, that'’s it.
That wasn'’t so hard, was it?
443
00:18:09,740 --> 00:18:11,655
Actually, it was a lot harder
than it needed to be, but...
444
00:18:11,742 --> 00:18:13,962
That'’s what he said.[both chuckle]
445
00:18:14,049 --> 00:18:16,007
Uh, well...Oh, your purse.
446
00:18:16,095 --> 00:18:17,748
Well, thank you, guys.
447
00:18:17,835 --> 00:18:19,185
Uh, you'’ll be hearing
from me soon.
448
00:18:19,272 --> 00:18:20,795
Got it. Bye.
449
00:18:23,406 --> 00:18:24,842
Oh, my God.
450
00:18:24,929 --> 00:18:26,714
Is Lyndsey okay?Oh, sure.
451
00:18:26,801 --> 00:18:28,324
She'’s practically
indestructible when she'’s drunk.
452
00:18:28,411 --> 00:18:30,196
I'’ve seen her fall down
a flight of stairs
453
00:18:30,283 --> 00:18:31,327
and not spill her mojito.
454
00:18:31,414 --> 00:18:32,459
[knocking]
455
00:18:33,764 --> 00:18:37,159
I'’m so sorry,
I forgot my phone.
456
00:18:37,246 --> 00:18:39,683
Oh. Here it is, right
here on the table. Hey.Oh, hey. Ho!
457
00:18:39,770 --> 00:18:41,685
[laughs] Got it. And
get the hell out of here.
458
00:18:41,772 --> 00:18:44,558
Oh, one last thing. Um, I'’m not
supposed to say anything,
459
00:18:44,645 --> 00:18:46,516
but unless something
crazy happens,
460
00:18:46,603 --> 00:18:47,822
you'’re gonna get approved.
461
00:18:48,779 --> 00:18:49,693
Seriously?
462
00:18:49,780 --> 00:18:50,999
Get out of here.
463
00:18:51,086 --> 00:18:52,218
Seriously.
464
00:18:52,305 --> 00:18:55,177
I'’m here to help
with the baby.
465
00:18:55,264 --> 00:18:56,178
Seriously?
466
00:18:56,265 --> 00:18:57,223
Who is this?
467
00:18:57,310 --> 00:18:58,963
Uh, uh, she is...
468
00:18:59,050 --> 00:19:01,705
Oh, you know what,
this happens all the time.
469
00:19:01,792 --> 00:19:03,577
Tourists get an out-of-date
map to celebrity homes.
470
00:19:03,664 --> 00:19:07,885
Honey, Charlie Sheen
doesn'’t live here anymore.
471
00:19:07,972 --> 00:19:10,323
JENNY:
Lyndsey?
472
00:19:10,410 --> 00:19:11,759
Hi.
473
00:19:11,846 --> 00:19:13,021
And who is this?
474
00:19:13,108 --> 00:19:15,415
I fell down
in the sand.
475
00:19:15,502 --> 00:19:16,938
This is...
476
00:19:17,025 --> 00:19:18,766
I'’m the next-door
neighbor. Hi.
477
00:19:18,853 --> 00:19:20,028
Uh, we were having
a get-together
478
00:19:20,115 --> 00:19:22,030
and this one got away.
479
00:19:22,117 --> 00:19:23,292
Our next-door
neighbor.That... Oh, that'’s right,
480
00:19:23,379 --> 00:19:24,772
I remember you
481
00:19:24,859 --> 00:19:26,426
from the Fourth of
July block party.
482
00:19:26,513 --> 00:19:28,950
Yeah... Oh, which, by the way,
is amazing for kids.
483
00:19:29,037 --> 00:19:30,386
A waterslide,
shaved ice.
484
00:19:30,473 --> 00:19:32,910
My waterslide'’s
shaved.
485
00:19:32,997 --> 00:19:35,435
Okay, time to go home.
486
00:19:35,522 --> 00:19:36,871
And, um, you know what?
487
00:19:36,958 --> 00:19:39,090
These guys are great.
Ask anyone on our block.
488
00:19:39,178 --> 00:19:40,918
We'’re all pulling for them
to get a kid.
489
00:19:41,005 --> 00:19:42,572
Thank you.You'’re very
sweet.
490
00:19:42,659 --> 00:19:44,226
Okay, here we go.
491
00:19:44,313 --> 00:19:45,401
No, where are you
taking me?
492
00:19:45,488 --> 00:19:46,620
To get a drink.
493
00:19:46,707 --> 00:19:48,143
Aw, you'’re
my best friend.
494
00:19:49,927 --> 00:19:52,103
Boy. Glad I never
gave her a baby.
495
00:19:52,191 --> 00:19:54,410
You and me both.
496
00:19:54,497 --> 00:19:56,151
♪ Men.♪
497
00:20:00,416 --> 00:20:01,678
♪ Men.♪
Hey.
498
00:20:01,765 --> 00:20:03,245
Alan, what is the one thing
499
00:20:03,332 --> 00:20:04,986
you'’ve never gotten
from your mother?
500
00:20:05,073 --> 00:20:07,641
Uh, let'’s see, uh,
love, respect,
501
00:20:07,728 --> 00:20:09,730
a home-cooked meal,
breast milk, um...
502
00:20:09,817 --> 00:20:12,385
Okay, this is gonna
take too long.
503
00:20:12,472 --> 00:20:13,821
Approval.
504
00:20:13,908 --> 00:20:15,431
Wait, are-are you
trying to tell me
505
00:20:15,518 --> 00:20:17,041
Ms. McMartin
approved us to adopt?
506
00:20:17,128 --> 00:20:18,608
Yeah.Oh, my God.
507
00:20:18,695 --> 00:20:20,001
Oh, my God,
that'’s great.
508
00:20:20,088 --> 00:20:21,742
[laughs]
I am really happy for you.
509
00:20:21,829 --> 00:20:24,135
Thank you. I-I couldn'’t
have done this without you.
510
00:20:24,223 --> 00:20:27,095
And so, to say thank you,
I got you a little something.
511
00:20:27,182 --> 00:20:29,184
Oh, you didn'’t have to.
512
00:20:29,271 --> 00:20:31,055
Oh, my God.
513
00:20:31,142 --> 00:20:33,057
Tickets to the Grease
sing-along at the Bowl.
514
00:20:33,144 --> 00:20:34,624
You can take anyone you want.
515
00:20:34,711 --> 00:20:36,539
♪ You'’re the one that I want ♪Aw!
516
00:20:36,626 --> 00:20:39,455
♪ You are the one I want,
ooh, ooh, ooh, honey ♪
517
00:20:39,542 --> 00:20:41,457
Fine.
518
00:20:41,544 --> 00:20:44,068
♪ We'’ll go together
like... ♪ [laughs]
519
00:20:44,155 --> 00:20:46,288
Oh, my God, I'’m turning
into my husband.
520
00:20:46,375 --> 00:20:50,118
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org
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