Original subtitles

- [Narrator] On this series, the tans you see

might be fake but the people are all real,

although some of what they do

has been created for your entertainment.

Previously on "The Only Way Is Essex."

- Hashtag bye, Bertie!

[screams]

Oh, fuck! - Fuck off!

- All right, will do! [glasses breaking]

- Tell you what, there's no way I'm going to use this bath!

- Crazy to find a house, you know, in Brentwood.

- I've actually wanted the earrings for ages.

- [Man] I thought he was gonna propose.

- You're put in such an unfair position.

You need to say something. [crowd cheering]

- It's crazy out there. - Indeed.

- Now I've come back, 'cause I've one person

I need to sort things out with.

[upbeat music]

♪ The only way is up, baby

♪ For you and me now

[hard rock dance music]

- Good looking, tick, personality, tick--

- Muscles, tick-- - Tattoos--

- Tattoos, tick! - If you had to choose

between James and Tom, who would you choose?

- James. - 'Bout looks wise, really.

- He's more my type. - A few people has said--

- [Abi] Yeah, we've heard through the grapevine.

- He's a bit of a player. - A bit of a player.

- That's all right, we can deal with that.

D'you know what,

we've actually completely changed boys, like,

you normally have the cocky one,

I normally have the like, shy, better one, nicer one.

- Better one? You not coming on to my man?

- Yeah, I'll have your man. - Is there going to be beef?

No, you don't kiss on the first date.

- No, I don't.

- You gonna make an exception tonight?

[soft rock guitar music]

[knocking]

- Hello. - Hi, Sam,

can I come in? - Yeah, come in.

- I just wanted to have a little chat with ya

because, obviously, you know and I know that Joey does--

- Yeah. - Flare up after arguments.

- Yeah. - And then he'll

turn up at my house, or ring me up hysterical,

like you know what a state he gets into.

- Yeah. - You're welcome in my family,

if you go and get a house and settle down,

like, we're gonna be in each other's lives.

It's not like I wanna interfere or I wanna be

protective over him, like, in that way,

but at the same time, it's really hard to--

- Yeah. - See him upset and crying.

- There's always two sides to a story--

- Yeah, I know. - And I know I might have

taken it too far, but I can imagine how he says it to you,

'cause I've heard him on the phone to people before,

and I'm sitting next to him, and I'm thinking,

why are you twisting and making me sound like that?

- Like, he tells me, I think, a lot more than what

you're aware of.

And shows me a lot of text messages and things like that,

and it's not little rows or anything like that at all,

it's the bigger rows,

and kinda like the aggression that.

- Yeah.

- I'm not judging you,

because I've made loads of mistakes.

- I'm not an aggressive person at all,

but sometimes he pushes me so far to the limit,

he pushes my buttons, and you know,

sometimes he can be quite a handful,

and I do like, go off on one, and go mad, and whatever else,

but I haven't done it for a long time,

but I think sometimes he does push it to that point.

- That's why I've come to talk to you

because in future, when things happen,

if I feel the need to speak to you,

I wanna be able to ring you and say, like, Sam,

what's happened, is everything all right, I don't want--

- But I would rather-- - I don't wanna sit there

and think, ah, like, this has happened,

and like, I don't know what to think about it.

- I would just rather us be able to talk about it

rather than the awkwardness when we see each other next.

- [Both] Yeah.

[upbeat music]

- It's good to have you back, back in the gym, working out!

- I know, I've heard you've replaced me.

- Nah, there's a couple of new guys,

James and Dan, they're like us, actually.

There's one set of boys, and then there's a set of men

and then-- - Yeah.

- We sort of all get on, so it's good.

- I look forward to meeting 'em.

- It's good, yeah, I think you'll like 'em,

they'll like you, one of 'em looks

a bit like you.

Do you know what, it's been difficult.

I'll get a text from you and a text from Chris

on the same day, what you doing,

and I'm like, ah, d'you know what,

I'm just gonna stay in with Jess.

- I do, I think over the years I've bantered him and stuff,

but at the same time, where I've been there for him

financially and all that sort of stuff and whatever,

I think he's been there for me more than I've realised.

There is one, this one thing's made it a lot harder

by the fact that I haven't had him.

It literally is like losing a family member.

I want you to help me meet him,

'cause I'm not gonna go to him,

you know I'm not like that. - I'm gonna speak to him.

I'm gonna say to him, look, I saw Mario,

he wants to have a chat with ya.

- If he comes in all guns blazing

and starts shouting and all that shit--

- He won't, he won't, he won't, he won't--

- Then I'll literally get up and tell him to fuck off,

because I don't think I need to apologise to him,

I think he needs to apologise to me,

I think it's just whether we go forward

and we save our friendship, or whether, you know,

whether we just leave, and that's it,

we just be civil and when we're out

we just shake hands, that's it.

- [Dan] I wonder if they're gonna be any good.

- I dunno, they look quite fit,

they all take care of themselves,

this could be the new team, us five.

- That's it, I can't imagine

coming out in this weather, though, to play football.

[chuckles] Ricky's a laugh, though, in he?

- Yeah, Ricky, yeah, Ricky, he's a joker,

he's quite a funny guy, yeah, and Chris.

Ya gotta take people as they come in ya, you can't--

- You can't dislike someone for someone else

disliking 'em. - Nah, of course,

yeah, exactly right, just take 'em as they come.

Can't wait for tonight, mate.

How rare is it to find a girl

with banter now, they've got great banter as well.

- Nah, it's gonna be good, mate, be nice to get to know 'em.

- They're actually really down-to-earth girls.

Abi, beautiful looking girl,

she's got a great body as well, ain't she.

- Yeah, keep your eyes on her face this time!

- I know, but she's got a great set of--

- Besides, you pick your chin up!

You chin was on the floor! - Gawping, was it?

- Yeah, you didn't realise it, you was catching flies!

- She's stunning, she's a stunning looking girl.

- See what happens, be nice to get to know 'em.

- Playing it cool, yeah, playing it cool?

- Yeah, I'm playing it cool, mate.

I've got to get to know 'em first.

[soft music]

- Oh, it's freezing out there!

- Where's your coat? - I left it indoors,

I've had such a busy day, Chloe came round earlier.

I knew that she'd come round

because not only has she felt the awkwardness,

I had as well,

so I knew that she wasn't coming round

to just have a normal chit-chat, d'you know what I mean?

- Yeah. - I knew it gonna be

about something.

Joey sees Chloe as a mother figure to him,

and everything we've ever rowed about he goes to Chloe,

and obviously she doesn't hear my side.

You know, Joey wants us all to be so close,

the only way that's gonna happen is if we all communicate--

- I don't mean to sound like I'm being negative

about this whole thing, but just I think, like,

sometimes that whole Chloe thing,

I just don't buy it with her all the time.

You've just not got to get involved,

you know what I mean? - Yeah.

- You shouldn't get involved to the point

where the whole bloody family's falling out over it.

- That's what I mean. - I might not know

certain things that he might say to you

because you know it's easier for you and him to make up,

but if I fell out with Joey, it's harder

for me and him to make up. - Yeah.

- People say things when they're angry that they don't mean,

so I'd rather just not get involved.

- We've gotta stop going to Chloe when it's little things--

- Yeah. - And we've gotta

be able to work this out between ourselves.

♪ Just noise, white noise

♪ Just noise, white noise

- I used to play, I used to play semi-pro,

I used to play with no problem, not anymore.

You're not into football, are ya?

- I just, I weren't brought up with it, you know,

- [Dan] I was more of a cricket guy.

- The closest I got to football

was going to a park and having a picnic.

[chuckles] - Where's Chris?

- He's coming later.

- [Dan] Oh, so he's gonna join us?

- He will eventually. - He loves football.

- I think he's a bit worried, he's gotta bring

his football tekkers out. - Does he play?

- What? - Does he play?

- He thinks he can play. [laughs]

- I was thinking we should go for a drink.

- Ah, man, I can't do tonight, I'd love to,

but I'm seeing Jess tonight, so--

- Pass the bowl, fellas! - I'm thumbed under.

- I can't, I can't tonight, gotta date tonight, son.

- Have ya? - A date, yeah.

- Who with, no! - Two hot ladies.

- Really, which ones? - Abigail.

- And?

- And Jasmine. [blows raspberry]

- They just seemed like a laugh,

so we just thought we'd get to know 'em ourselves.

- [Ricky] I'd never say not to do it, you crack on.

- [James] They're both good looking girls, got great bodies.

- Ish! [laughing]

- [Charlie] I'll just go out for a drink on me own, then.

[group laughs]

- [Ricky] So which one's got which?

- Who do you think has got which?

- [Dan] Who do you think, just by looking at us?

- Well, I dunno, I can't even tell!

I reckon you'd go for Abi!

[group laughs]

♪ Does he tell you he loves you

♪ When you least expect it

- That's so cool. - Ah, you look so cute

in your little fluffy coat. - Would you have put that

in a category of one of your best days of your life?

- It was fun, yeah, it was. - What, even better

than the day you met me? - No, that one's first.

- That one comes second.

Chloe came round earlier.

- [Joe] Oh, did she, what'd she say?

- Since before Christmas, and up until now,

she felt there was quite a lot of awkwardness,

like when we was out and stuff.

Personally, I didn't feel it as much

but it was just literally talking about everything,

getting everything off our chests.

- Everyone knows I run to Chloe with my problems,

'cause she's like a mother to me,

you know what I mean. - Yeah.

She's like my cousin, but that's who I go

to just to talk to about my problems and that.

- To move forward, and for us all to get on as well,

I think, like, I know that sometimes you feel

that you can't speak to me about it after a row,

but if you let it calm down first

instead of going to Chloe straight away,

we should try and talk about it before

we go and speak to everyone else, d'you know what I mean?

I think that will help.

You need more support

when it comes to things like that, I just think,

whatever, but then-- - You can because it's

different for you, I'm not more sensitive, but I--

- You're more of a baby! - Nah, I'm not a baby.

- You are a baby. - I'm not a baby.

- You are, and we can argue, if we didn't argue

it'd be so boring. - I know.

[soft music]

- What is going on, mate? - I went to the gym today,

I was with Mario. - Oh right,

how'd that work out for you, then?

- Nah, I mean, obviously for me, it's fine,

it's good to see him back, and he looked quite happy,

he came up to me, and he was asking

me to sort of talk to you, like he really wants

to just sort of meet you for a drink,

or go to the pub, not even just like

as a casual friends doing friends,

but more just sort of to clear things up--

- The thing is, is not like water under a bridge,

and it really ain't. - It's not that easy, yeah.

- No, it's not that easy, a lot's gone on--

- I don't think he's thinking that you're gonna go there

and it's all gonna be happy families--

- 'Cause it ain't! - I feel like he just wants--

- I don't even know if I wanna go.

- Yeah, but he, well, that's a decision for you to make.

But you need that closure, I've seen it in ya.

- I just don't know, that is where I'm at, mate,

my head has been all over the place recently,

and I just don't actually know.

- Well, have a think about it, the ball's in your court.

[upbeat music]

♪ Let's get ready to rumble

- We've tried everything to get rid of these moles,

nothing is working, so we're gonna do a stakeout,

where we're all gonna camp in my garden

and try and catch the moles. - They're horrible.

Have you seen a mole before? - Don't tell Arg stakeout,

he thinks we'll probably put them

on the barbecue and eat them as steak.

♪ Let's get ready to rumble

♪ Let's get ready to rumble

♪ Get ready get ready

♪ Get ready get ready

♪ And rumble, everybody rumble

- You know what some of yous are doing,

you're spinning the hoop too quickly,

so you sort of have to, like, put your legs like this,

and then it's like-- - Go on, Bill, oy, oy!

- Yay, that's it! - So it's just like that.

- Like gyrate. - And when you're doing it,

make sure you tense your belly as well.

And for anyone with a double chin.

[Arg laughs]

♪ Let's get ready to rumble

♪ Let's get ready to rumble

♪ Get ready get ready

♪ Get ready get ready

♪ And rumble, everybody rumble

- You all right, Diags? - Diags looks grey.

- Why aren't you joining in? - I don't care anymore.

I'm 14 stone, 15 stone, 16 stone, I don't care anymore.

I've got no support, I'm not losing any weight,

I don't see, I'm not hula-hooping.

- Thank you.

All right, Charlie.

- How are you doing? - Not sure really,

how have you been? - I'm all right.

How's things? - I've been with Gemma today,

and she has offered me a little part time job.

Obviously she was aware that you didn't wanna work

with me any more and said, "Bobby,

"you're in a bad situation, you need help."

So she's offered me

a couple of days a week work for her business,

as a salesman for the tanning range,

but I've said I need to speak to Charlie,

because in my mind he's still my business partner

until I hear it from his own lips that he's not anymore.

- As far as I'm concerned, I wanna move forward with this.

I want us to be committed and I want

us to give it the best we can,

because there is nothing like you and me in Essex,

we are a little duo that no one can contend with, no one.

We've got like, 65 potential bookings here,

we've got an 80th birthday with a budget of 10,000 pound,

we've got 16th birthdays, 18ths, 21sts,

wedding anniversaries, all wanting you and me

and what we can potentially offer them.

I've got loads of inquiries here that need answering,

we've got parties as close as next week

that could be working on and actually doing,

I need to know whether you're on board now or not.

- I'm certainly not in a situation

to be looking a gift horse in the mouth, I'm really not.

- But what if I was to ask you now to make a decision?

What's it gonna be, me or Gemma?

- I was on 11 pounds. - What?

- I was on 11 pounds, wasn't I?

- No, what's your original weight?

- Arg, we've already gone through this,

why do you make it difficult? - All right, go on then.

You've just, just lost a pound!

[cheering]

- No, that's not true. - What?

- That isn't true, you prick!

- What are you talking about?

- No, I was that, yeah?

Now what am I?

- Do it again, then! - Please,

why do I let you do this every week?

- Quickly!

- Every time yous two!

- No 'cause for some reason when

Gemma steps on the scales, they go whoa!

- Right, forget it, right, forget it.

I'm working hard at this diet, yeah--

- Can I say one thing?

No, listen to us, what's the point in all of us,

going to Diet Club, coming every week, weighing ourselves,

no one's losing any weight, none of us.

- We losing weight, you know what I weighed!

- All you're doing is gossiping!

- [All] Out, out, get out!

- You're barred from the club, James.

- I don't wanna be here anyways.

- [All] Bye! - You're all fat!

[laughs]

[soft rock music]

- I love it, how nice is it?

I've always had in my mind,

since I was little, I wanted a rectangle

with sparkling diamonds all the way around.

But yeah, it's nice.

How much is that?

- 5,000. - Five grand, for that?

- How much? - What?

- [Carol] And obviously he's gonna need about 15 then.

- At least [laughs].

- Mine was only a couple a pound

when I got it outta the pawn shop.

'Ere I like that one, that's my engagement ring, beautiful.

- How did granddad propose to ya?

- You're getting engaged, well okay, that's it,

wallop on me hand.

- Didn't he get down on one knee?

- No! - What?

- You didn't do with them things them days--

- See, I want the whole shebang,

I want like, down on one knee,

the best proposal, like, something really imaginative,

and then I want a massive church wedding,

big marquee afterwards.

- Be a fortune.

- That is your problem.

- But your wedding is like, one off,

I think it's something that you--

- Well, not always, sometimes, like,

three or four times you can get married, can't you?

- No, when I get married, it's for good.

- You hope, yeah.

- Look, Bob, I can give you the ultimate job,

I'm gonna give you a car, it's taxed,

it's MOT'd, it's been fully serviced, Bobby.

- D'you know what, to be sat behind a wheel,

I already feel like I've gained 18% of my confidence back.

- Really? - Yeah,

but I do feel like saying to Charlie,

you've let me down like a cheap pair of tights,

where's the support?

I need something back,

d'you know what I mean? - Yeah.

- It's a two-way street, be it friendship or business,

and I'm on the one-way road and I'm not getting nothing

back from the boy. - This is an opportunity

of a lifetime, working with me,

and it won't come round again.

I'll leave you sitting in the ultimate car of your dreams,

and let me know, Bob, I won't be calling you.

You call me. - Thanks, babe.

[soft music]

- Next time you get stressed and you go to bite your nails,

you're gonna get a disgusting taste in your hand.

Nail biters only mean one thing,

nervous, anxious, stressed, and weak.

- No, but I feel like, I'm going nowhere.

I know, like.

- What are you talking about?

You've got a manicure. - What am I doing?

D'you know what I mean?

What am I doing with my life?

Honestly, it's everything, I don't feel stable.

- Okay, that is a pretty depressing feeling,

so let's try and fix that. - Yeah, like I just feel like

at any point I could be gone.

- Well, no, 'cause you need to be more positive

and think, well, yeah, it's shit,

but we'll help you fix the problems.

- You've moved into a nice place, you've got heating,

and you've got hot water, and you've got clean clothes.

And you what don't help, Diags, not getting enough sleep.

'Cause you go out a lot, and when you're tired,

and you're drinking a lot, that makes you down, don't it?

- I got out 'cause I feel like if I don't go out,

then I'll sit in and be depressed.

- It's good to go out, but you don't need

to take it to the extremes, 'cause that's gonna not help.

- It's got to the point where I get

so depressed sometimes I sit home and I cry.

- Everyone does that. - Really?

- Yeah, I sat in my room the other day and I cried.

On my own, with no on else there.

- But what for, why was you crying?

- I don't know, I don't know.

And I was saying to myself, looking at myself crying,

going, "Why are you crying, mate?"

Like, why am I crying?

[funky pop music]

[smacks]

- Hi! - How you doing,

girls, you all right? - Mwah!

- Gotta bend over, bend over a bit, bit more--

- Back straight. - What d'you think this is?

- Golf! - This is a bit saucy, innit?

- [Jasmine] That why you brought us to golf,

so you could do these positions?

- Yeah, it's definitely worked!

- I'm actually enjoying this, just carry on.

[smacks]

[water splashes]

- It's posh getting in the bath, innit?

Rick!

- It's nice, though. - I know.

- It's quite close and intimate.

- I went to the jewellery shop today.

- Yeah.

- Tried on an engagement ring,

but not for us, just because, you know,

when you're in a jewellery shop and they're in front of you,

and you're like, oh, that looks nice,

let's look at what this looks like on my hand.

- I know I'm gonna be with you forever,

but that doesn't mean we have to get married next week,

d'you know what I mean?

- I don't really wanna have kids much later than about 32.

- So that gives us five years.

That's not that long.

- I know.

- D'you know what I mean, I don't know.

It's quite a big bombshell to throw at me, innit?

- No, I'm not saying we have to--

- Yeah, I'm 22, but you're saying

I have to have kids by 32,

but then that's being married as well.

- But if the timing's are right, we might be married

for five years and then have kids.

- I'll be married and have a kid by 27.

- Is that a bit young? - Yeah.

I mean, I'm not saying don't get married

and have kids at 40, but what I'm saying is,

is if I have one when I'm 27, from 27 to dead,

I'm pretty much fucked.

D'you know what I mean?

It's literally tied down central.

You saying you want a kid by 32,

I'm expecting there to be needles in condoms.

- What, I would never do that, prick!

- And I'm come out, and then suddenly, nine months later,

there's a kid on the living room floor.

- I wouldn't have kids until we both wanted kids.

- I can't afford to have three kids, a wife,

that is not happenning, I'm going to work, I'm coming home,

I'm paying for the dinner and the food and shit,

and you go on your pampering days

and I sit at home on a leash.

- What are you on about?

- That's what happens when you become a husband.

- Should we mark them out of 10, yeah?

- Hold up the cards, hold up the cards, go ahead, James.

- Turn around, go.

- [James] Oof.

- I'll give that a five, maybe a six for the bend.

- What?

- Seven.

- That's not a seven, he just said I'm an eight!

- [giggling] I think you should take your tops off as well.

- Girls, strike one, get three strikes and you're gone.

[soft music]

- I dunno, I can't see anything breaking us up.

I don't think we'd cheat on each other, hope not anyway.

- Well, I don't know about you, I can't speak for you.

I'm a good boy. - You're the first boyfriend

I've never cheated on. - What?

- You are [laughing].

No, I didn't cheat on my other boyfriends,

but I knew that it wasn't gonna be like--

- You've just went, "I've cheated on every

"single boyfriend I had!"

Imagine if I said, I've cheated on every

single girlfriend I've had, you would be absolutely fuming!

- You probably did. - No, I've never cheated,

and I don't cheat, and I don't care,

and I don't get into relationships, not like you,

I'm sorry, just 'cause you cheat don't mean I do,

I've never cheated in a relationship,

and I never will, I don't need to.

- Oh. - It's true.

It's a bit weird for you to say that.

- I thought all boys cheat, most boys cheat.

- No, listen, you don't know all boys, you only know

certain boys.

- All right boys, you gotta troop,

'cause you gotta be serious about this.

Troop, man, it's not funny.

- Come on, take it seriously, mate.

- You wanna be a mole catcher, this is what you gotta do.

- [Arg] I don't wanna be a mole catcher.

- [Joey] Right boys, these moles have been experienced

in mole-ing.

And look what they've caused.

- How many of them, though? - Dunno,

but it must be at least three.

- Right, the long and short of it is,

they're causing Billie unhappiness, aren't they?

- Well, they're just being out of order,

they shouldn't be doing. - Well, moles are nocturnal,

ain't they, so we gotta stay out all night to catch one.

I reckon the moles are deep in there, warm as anything,

they're not gonna pop up 'cause look how freezing it is.

- One could be right there right now,

like it's under there, it's there, mate.

- So why don't we just dig it up, dig it up?

- What? - Get a shovel

and we'll dig it up. - Yeah,

because it just runs away under the ground, mate.

- No, you do the thing where you poke something down a hole,

and they pop up the other end and then you smack 'em,

like the Whack-A-Mole. - Right, all I'm saying is,

we can't hurt the animal. - We're just

getting them away, we're just shooing them.

- [Arg] What do the moles look like?

- They're horrible, mate. - They're butters mate.

When I say butters, I mean B-U-T-T-E-R-S, butters.

- [Arg] What, butters as in Diags butters,

or butters butters? - Nah, nah, more,

worse than Diags.

- [Arg] [laughs] God!

[techno pop music]

- So I'm all ears, go for it, go on.

- So first I was angry, but I didn't really understand

why I was angry, 'cause you were caught in a situation

and I appreciate that. - Like I said from day one,

I never wanted to get involved.

I didn't want to be the middle person,

and I've been dragged into the argument.

I don't wanna make the situation worse,

it's none of my business what your's and Lucy's

relationship's about--

Me and Lucy are in a very good place,

- That's good. - I'll be honest with you,

Lucy didn't want me to be friends with you,

she was like, don't talk to Chris, blah, blah, blah,

but I said, "Look, what you gotta understand is."

- But why though? - That's exactly what I said.

- But how'm I gonna do that, mate,

when if Lucy doesn't want me to be friends with you--

- Lucy respects my decision, though.

- Ultimately, for me and you to be friends,

is Lucy expecting an apology off me,

'cause she won't get an apology off me, you know that.

- Nah, nah, nah, at the end of the day, I know that.

- [Jas] You're supposed to be good at football, right?

- Yeah, let's play, look at the defending.

- Oh no!

You don't even do anything,

you just stand there, like--

- I've enjoyed this

more than the golf!

- Definitely more fun,

maybe 'cause the other two aren't here?

What about us two, then?

- [Dan] What about us two?

- D'you think we suit?

- If you're lucky!

- What d'you mean if I'm lucky, if you're lucky!

- No, to be honest, I think you're a lovely girl.

Well, obviously, it's the first time we've actually

really met-- - No, d'you know,

it's been really nice like-- - Yeah, it's just really nice

to get to know you and just-- - That's what I do, though,

not in a bad way, I do go on dates to get to know boys.

- Yeah. - And I just don't see

that there's anything wrong with it.

- How many boys? - No, not like--

I just like to know people, it's good.

- Yeah. - And then like

as obviously you go on, then you start to realise--

- What one you like. - Yeah.

- Take your pick. - Yeah, little bit.

- Should try 'em all out. - Yeah, you're lucky

you're on my list now. - I'm on the list?

- You're on the list. - You're having a laugh,

I better be at the top of it all [laughs]!

- [Abi] You're too cocky for me, you are.

- I'm too cocky. - Yeah.

- I'll try and be a bit more reserved.

- Not reserved, then you'd be boring,

we don't want you to be boring.

- What do you want?

- You're all right.

- What, you're perfect, I'm all right?

- [giggling] You're all right,

you've still got a lot to prove.

You got nice eyes, though.

- Ah, thank you.

- It's all right, green, different.

- You've got nice eyes as well [laughs]!

- I thought I was quite covered up tonight, obviously not.

- I saw them coming before I saw you!

- Are you joking? - No.

- Is that the only you're talking to me, 'cause I got tits.

- No, it's 'cause of your intellect and

charisma. - Charisma?

- And all that palaver, yeah. - Oh my God,

you're full of shit. - What d'ya think,

d'ya fancy me?

- That'd be saying, wouldn't it?

♪ Boys, I'm freezing cold

♪ And this fire's not doing anything at all ♪

♪ It's cold, and I like it cold ♪

♪ But I like to be warm more than cold! ♪

[laughing]

- That was brilliant, Joey, that was very good!

- Well, I actually love you guys, man.

- Honestly, Joe? - Yeah, I do.

- Well, I love you, too, man.

The only thing that is,

quite sad it's right, as much as we're having fun

and jokes tonight, just think about it now,

there is gonna be a time, and it's not that far away,

when we can't really get away

with doing these sorts of things anymore.

So in five years time, I hope to be in the West End,

starring in one of the biggest shows going,

and earning money, providing for my family.

- I can't imagine what I'm gonna be doing in five years.

- Diags, you're 21 years old, mate,

you've got your whole life ahead of ya,

just fucking get out there and do something!

- I know what you're trying to say, mate,

get out there and do something,

just do another job, or any job, mate.

But it's like, yous all know what you wanna do.

- As much as I'm happy at the moment,

I'm a bit jealous of Joey, because there's nothing

more than what I'd want than to find love.

- [Diags] I don't know what love is.

- [Tom] You've never been in love?

- Oh mate please take them, take your glasses off your head.

- [Tom] It didn't even look like he had it on!

- Diags, it's true, you've never even been in love?

- I don't know what proper love, like what--

- [Joey] That's crazy, how can you not, I don't understand,

everyone falls in love like that one day.

- Everything was going fine, you knew

exactly what was going on, you had a plan in life,

and it's sort of like you hit a brick wall.

And now you don't really have any direction,

so you don't know where you're going.

- That's why I'm in the situation I'm in.

I feel like what I got into doing before,

and then lost it all, and now it's just like starting again.

- Be realistically, right, if you could choose any job,

right, that would get you through,

and you would enjoy the job, what would it be?

- I don't know, it's not gonna be clothes,

it's not gonna be fashion, like you lot,

that's what I mean, I don't know!

If I knew what I wanted to do,

yeah, I wouldn't have this problem.

- You're blessed with, not so much in looks, like,

but you're blessed with good brains,

you're a clever, clever boy, and you know,

all this going out every single night of the week,

getting out of your face, waking up at five o'clock

in the afternoon, that's not gonna help you

achieve things that you want to achieve.

- [Joey] Again with you, Tom.

You got a first in economics,

mate, you didn't even revise,

you're about as clever as James.

You two should do something together, man.

The Brains of Britain Awards, or something like that.

[laughing]

- Where I've always thought it's always been me

in our friendship, it's been like

the core, if you want.

It's not, it's you.

Like, everyone needs a you, like you gotta think,

Mark had Arg, Joey has Diags--

- I hope I'm better than Arg and Diags, mate.

- You are, don't worry, yeah.

Everyone has that one friend

that is literally like, this sounds a bit cringe,

but their rock, 'cause in my eyes,

you are the closest thing I've ever had to a brother.

And like, whatever you do, whether you got into a fight

right now, if you were wrong, I'd jump right in.

- And of course, and I'd do the same for you.

- So it's been weird having to go through that,

and it's like-- - Do you not think

it's been weird for me, 'cause I've sat there,

I've sat there and I've been in the middle of all of it.

And I never wanted to get involved in it.

Ultimately, at the end of the day, we had 16 great years,

d'ya know what I mean, like I said,

we've had so much friendship.

At the minute, I'll be honest with you, it's gonna take time

even to just get back to where we were.

- Of course, but I think-- - A lot of time.

Look, on that note, I'm gonna head off, all right?

- [Joey] All right, everyone be quiet.

This is the stakeout.

- I can hear something. - What?

- Is that me or am I seeing things?

- [Args] Shut up, man.

- I can definitely hear

rumbling and rustling and stuff.

- I actually can hear that as well, and I'm not even joking.

- Scared now. - Oh, boys,

let's just forget this, let's go inside.

Who cares about the moles?

Anyone could get in this garden, mate,

there's a big alleyway down there.

- [Joe] I hear footsteps, I can hear footsteps!

- What, you can hear a mole?

[screams]

- [Joey] It's Billie, it's Billie!

[whistle blowing]

Billie, what the hell were you doing?!

[laughing]

- You're such an idiot! - I'm going in,

I'm going in, I'm going in, man, I'm going in!

♪ The only way is up baby

♪ For you and me now

♪ The only way is up baby

♪ For you and me now

♪ The only way is up baby

♪ For you and me now