Original subtitles

the tans you see might be fake,

but the people are all real,

although some of what they do

has been created for your entertainment.

Previously on The Only Way is

- Wowza!

- I would marry him tomorrow.

- Well, you and Arg have got Chemistry.

- I've always wanted to be a dad,

and that feeling, I don't think will ever go away.

- Make sure you're stable, then do it.

- I think as best friend, it's your duty right now.

- To find you a boyfriend?

I won't be a cock block, I'll be a wing girl.

- Tell you what though,

I've never seen machine gun jubblies like that

I mean, for a long time.

- Shouldn't that be you over there? May the best man win.

[upbeat intro music]

[upbeat rock music]

[both girls yell]

- Quit!

- Aah! - Quit!

Don't push it.

- So imagine if we take them off and it's not worked.

- Shall we do it?

- Lets do it

- Together? - Together.

- Okay. - Ready? [laughs]

- Right, one, - Two,

- Two, - [Together] Three.

- Ah, I can see!

- It's alright then, yeah? [laughs]

- Oiii! I can see!

- [Ricky] All right, I'm gonna do it.

- It's amazing.

It's like a miracle! - Oh, that is sick!

For the last twenty odd years,

I've had to wake up and go,

oh God, and I just-

- I can see that there's flowers on your blind.

- I know, oh my god, I did not know

there was flowers there. - I thought it was just cream.

- How crazy is that?

- Everything looks so sharp.

- You know we've done it now.

We've done it together.

It's one of them procedures that's changed your life

and you've done it with me.

- I know, we've done it together.

- That's quite big thing, I think.

- Yeah it's like a first step of realness.

- Yeah.

- I cannot wear eye make up for a week.

- Good.

- No, not good. - Good!

- When all the girls are at the comedy club,

looking lovely with all their eyelashes on,

I'm gonna turn up with no eye make up,

barely being outta, my eyes all hurting.

- But I guarantee you get more compliments

than any girl in there with make up,

and if they don't, I'll eat me hat.

[Jess laughs]

- Ricky's hosting the comedy night,

and he thinks he's a funny guy, so.

- I think like, people like Pat,

Gemma, Arg, they'll be alright,

but I can't, I'm not doing it.

- I think I'm quite a funny person,

but not to get up and do like a standup.

So I reckon Arg will definitely get up and do it.

He's gonna think he's like the leader

of the comedy night, obviously.

- Yeah. - Yeah, star of the show.

You know what he's like.

- Look, I'm always gonna be the funniest.

That's all I'm saying.

- I've actually got a really sick joke,

but I don't know how I can say it.

- [Sam] Go on.

- [Billie] What's green and smells of pork?

- Wait, wait, wait.

- [Sam] I think I've heard this.

- [laughs] Kermit's finger.

[everyone laughs]

- It's dirty.

What, that animal? That cartoon?

- [Sam] Muppet. - [laughs] Yeah.

You know, Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy?

[Joey laughs] - Knock knock.

- [Sam And Billie] Who's there?

- Let's got to Fusey.

[girls laugh]

- But I'm driving.

Oh, my God.

- Ah mate, this bath's so nice.

[exhales heavily] - I know what you're doing.

You're testing out to see if you fit in it.

- Obviously, yeah.

- This is what it's gonna be like.

If I move in with Arg, this is what we're gonna be doing.

- Yeah. - I'm gonna be having a poo,

he's gonna be in the bath. Things like that happen.

Get over it, you're jealous.

- I know but why, [Arg and Diags laugh]

why've you gotta re-enact it now?

- Well, don't be jealous about it, mate.

- Tom, listen.

The bathroom's the most important place in my flat,

and I really wanna have a nice big bath.

- Well, is Gemma gonna fit in there with ya?

- [laughs] What's that supposed to mean?

[everyone snickers]

I think I'd rather drown than you give me the kiss of life.

- [Diags] Yeah. - Seriously.

- If I was thinking about that,

but you don't always need it.

- [Arg] Huh?

- You don't always need the kiss pf life.

- The lifeguard life is pretty cool. Girls like lifeguards.

- Yeah.

- Like me, Diags Hasselhoff.

- You gotta be quite a good swimmer.

Are you actually a good swimmer?

- Yeah, later on, I'm going to teach,

'cause Lauren Pope can't swim, can she?

So I'm gonna go take- - [Tom P] She can't swim?

- No, so I'm going to the pool to teach her how to swim.

- You've definitely done that

so you can see her in a bikini,

100%. [Arg laughs]

- It's not just all about fucking looks.

You're so shallow, you two.

- [Arg] So what's going on with you

and the vicar's daughter then?

- Nothing yet, I've asked her out, but,

- Where you gonna take her? - I've gotta get

your permission really first then, I suppose.

- When have you ever asked for Diags' permission

on anything? - [Tom P] Well, it's normally

the other way around, isn't it?

- Every single time, you nick birds off me, mate.

- If you had to name two things about her

that made you most interested in her,

what would you say?

- Number one and number two.

[everyone laughs]

- [Diags] Oh, you're so-

- No, I'm joking, I dunno.

She seems like a nice girl.

I did just say, "Do you wanna go out for a drink?"

but she was a bit weird with it, she was like,

"Ah, I'll have to think about it."

- She can't drink.

- [Tom P] She can't drink? What do you mean?

- [Diags] Can't drink with you-

- Yeah, but she says she's a vicar's daughter, right?

She's got a boob job, so she-

- Yeah, we can see that.

- [Diags] Yeah, we know that.

- She clearly don't care what the vicar thinks.

- Obviously, it's her dad.

She does care.

- [Arg] Mate, her dad's a vicar.

She ain't a vicar, all right?

- [Diags] No sex before marriage.

- No, I asked her that and she was like,

"No, I'm not telling you.

I'm a good girl."

- She's a really nice girl,

so don't fuck, don't mess her about, Tom.

Seriously, mate.

- [Tom P] All right. - [Arg] Is she really?

- Yeah, she's a really nice girl.

So don't mess her about.

[upbeat music]

[birds tweet]

[boxes shift]

- [Tom P] I don't really know her, do I?

I only started speaking to her the other night.

- It's from Gemma, she just says,

"Can you please come and see me ASAP?

"I need your help."

- Always running back to Gemma.

- I'm not.

I'm worried about her. - Always running

back to Gemma. - Stop pretending like

you're really worried, you're just gonna go around and-

- Sounds pretty serious.

Come on, let's go.

[upbeat dance music]

- Ah, I'm gonna be dead by this.

- I know, this is actually a proper workout.

- I can't believe we're wearing makeup as well.

- Yeah, but you can't not wear makeup out.

[laughs] - Can you imagine?

- Anyone could walk in.

- I need to sort my bum out.

- I need just a perky bum. - Yeah, d'ya know what I mean?

- Just like, up?

[cell phone rings] [Jasmin mumbles]

Hold on.

[phone rings again]

Oh my God, it's Tom.

[girls whisper back and forth]

Hello?

- Hello?

You all right, babe?

- Yeah, I'm good, thanks.

How are you?

- [Tom On Phone] Yeah, not bad, not bad.

I just wanted to see if you were still up

for goin' out tonight.

I'm really excited about it.

You'll enjoy it, it'll be good.

- Yeah, yeah, all right.

Sweet.

Yeah, do you know what time?

What time?

Six o'clock?

All right then, babe.

- All right, get your best dress on.

And I'll see you soon, yeah?

- Okay then, all right, see you tonight.

All right, 'kay, bye.

Oh my God. - Yes, you've got a date!

- Oh my God, I've got a date. - What'd he say?

- He was like,

"Are you still up for coming out with me tonight?"

I didn't even know it was tonight,

but he's obviously-

- You're gonna have to get ready!

- Oh my God, I'm gonna have to get ready.

- What are you gonna wear?

I'm gonna gave to help you.

- Oh my god, you're gonna have to 'round.

He said get my best dress on.

That's like a one point already.

Like, I think he's well nice.

- I think you two suit. - Yeah.

- And he's a really nice boy.

He's actually really clever, as well.

- Is he? - He's really clever.

- He's got really nice eyes. - [Jasmin] Yeah.

- But I don't really go for clever boys.

- They've got so much stuff.

It's a bit like, confusing, isn't it?

I've basically, 'cause like,

you know Madison won't sleep in her own bed.

- Yeah. - This is all a big plan

to get her in her own room, so I'll be like,

"You and the cats can sleep in there together, good night.

"All right, thanks, bye."

- You gonna get like, boy and a girl,

or two girls or two boys? - No, I'm not having 'em

doing bits in my house.

- [Frankie] Well you're gonna have to get them like,

done then, ain't you?

- No, I'm gonna get two girls.

- And something like this?

- Yeah, something like that, but a lot prettier.

Oh no, it has got diamonds on it.

But I was thinking more like pink.

Even red's quite cute, if it was a white cat.

- [Lauren] Yeah. - [Frankie] Yeah,

that would look nice.

- And it'd be funny if she looked like a slut.

[everyone laughs]

- Slut cat.

- [laughs] Slut and Princess, come on.

Nah, I can't call her that 'cause Maddie'll be like,

"Mummy, what does slut mean?"

Erm, speak to Lauren.

- Frank, you are looking so much more slimmer recently.

- [Frankie] Am I? - Yeah.

- [Lauren] What have you been doing?

- I've been really, really working hard, actually.

- We're going swimming today.

- Are ya?

- Diags is gonna teach me how to swim.

- Can't you swim? - Uh-uh.

- Can't you?

- I can like, kinda keep myself afloat a little bit

but I haven't got like, swimming skills.

- Just use Diags, he's such a little pest

and wind up he'll probably like dunk us both under.

- [Frankie] Bet he does. [Lauren laughs]

- I've got nowhere to live,

all my lovely stuff is,

well, it's gonna have to go in a storage unit somewhere.

I've got a mother that don't give two hoots about it,

who's not being supportive,

won't even let me come home for a couple of days

till I get straight.

- Why won't your mom let you move home?

- 'Cause she just says like,

"You're 32 now, get on with it."

[exhales] I dunno what to do.

I think I'm gonna- - [Arg] Do you wanna stay

at my house?

No, I think I'm gonna stay in a hotel.

This don't look very good if I stay

at yours. - Yeah, but I feel guilty

if you stay in a hotel by yourself.

That's not what friends are for.

- I don't think it's right, at the minute.

[upbeat techno music]

[everyone laughs]

- Right, I'm here today. I'm gonna teach you how to swim,

'cause you can't swim- - Can you make me like,

fully swim-confident?

- Easy, easy if you listen

and don't take the piss.

- Oh, okay! - This is serious.

This is life stuff. - Serious, okay we're serious.

- We'll do a breast stroke.

You're brilliant at that.

- Yeah, but you do know that doesn't involve

actually stroking breasts?

- It's not what I hoped it would be, but,

[girls laugh]

it's pretty much like, you get frog's legs, yeah?

Right, you hold on to that,

it'll keep you floating on that water, yeah?

- [laughs] Yeah, oh good,

at least something will.

- And legs up [laughs], legs up.

- Yeah. - Then kick 'em outwards.

- Kick really fast. - Out, that's it, wait,

yeah, there, keep going.

[laughs] Yeah. [Lauren laughs excitedly]

Yeah! [girls laugh]

[upbeat techno music]

- D'you know what I didn't take into account?

The fact that for nine months, I will get invoiced

and have to subsidise the surrogate's fees,

so, obviously taxi fares

to anti-natal appointments to scans.

They even said like, if she wants a Mcdonald's,

I've gotta foot the Big Mac meal,

and it's like wow, where does it end?

- [Charlie] Say she even got a craving

for like, oysters. - [whispers] Oh,

can you imagine? - [Charlie] Could you imagine?

[laughs] - She'll be up Billingsgate,

invoicing me 50 quid a pop.

[both laugh]

So honestly, I do think the key is

if we can start this business sooner rather than later,

get the jobs rolling in-

- [Charlie] Definitely.

- And it's stability as well, you know?

You know what Essex is like.

Everyone likes to put on the biggest,

the best, the grandest party.

What we haven't got, though,

is someone that does that for people.

This is our niche.

- You and me could actually smash event organising.

- Definitely, but I'm thinking LEO, L-E-O,

Luxury Event Organisers.

- Good idea.

And we're both Leos, so I mean at the end of the day,

it just works really well, and we're leaders.

We ain't followers. [Bobby snaps fingers]

- Yes. - [Charlie] We lead the pack.

- Which is what a lion slash Leo is, isn't it?

- Love it.

- All right, you're halfway there.

Now you gotta do the breast bit, the claw hands.

All right, [girls laugh]

hands like that. - [Chloe] Claw.

- [Lauren] [laughs] Yeah.

- In. - [Lauren] Oh my God-

- Like our dance move! - Basically this,

- Yeah. - but underwater.

- So go, all right, now put it all together.

I wanna see one full stroke.

All the way. - [Chloe] Bum up.

- [Diags] All the way, all the way!

No, you're just doggy paddling!

[Lauren laughs]

You're just doggy paddling again.

- I know 'cause I go- - Why are you panicking?

We can stand up! - I go into immediate

doggy-paddle mode.

- Stop panicking and listen.

- If you was really- - Can you please listen

to me. - Oh my God,

you're such a control freak!

[Chloe laughs]

- Now watch me and copy me, all right?

I wanna be able to see you there, ready?

- All right.

- Do the frogs legs, you do the frogs legs.

All the way, all the way, - [Chloe] Put your bum up.

- [Diags] All the way.

Yeah! [Chloe laughs]

- Can I just, you swim and I'll hold on to you?

- What, so like we'll do some breast stroke, yeah?

- [laughs] Yeah.

- You're dragging me down, you're dragging me down.

- I dunno why you're so scared,

'cause you wouldn't drown anyway 'cause your implants

make you float. - [Diags] See?

- Would they? - [Diags] You have got two

flotation devices. - You wouldn't drown

with them, would ya?

- [Lauren] I dunno - They'll float.

- All right, now the next stage of training,

[Lauren laughs]

mouth to mouth resuscitation.

- [Chloe] Ooh! - Funny enough,

I'm no longer drowning. - [Diags] No, come on.

You're gonna die. [girls laugh]

Mouth to mouth- - I'll just die!

- Mouth to mouth resuscitation, come here.

[everyone laughs]

- I'm really excited about this, man.

I think we're gonna do really, really well.

- Thinking outside the box,

you know me, I'm very Cheryl Cole.

I want to hold an audition,

- All right. - judging the local lads

and see if they can really

join the Essex version of Butlers in the Buff,

because the girls are gonna love it.

- [laughs] You sure this isn't just for your own

sort of fantasy?

- This isn't fantasy, this is business, Charlie.

I feel like branching off into Hen parties.

Now, every Hen wants to see a butler in the buff.

- Let me get this down, Bob.

I think we need to just be able to showcase this stuff.

We need an example, that if people come,

we can say we've organised this.

- Yeah.

- So I'm thinking about the launch of Fusey.

And when people come to a Joey Essex launch,

they're gonna expect a certain something, aren't they?

- Yeah, no one's expecting a cheeky Victoria sponge

and a bottle of lemonade.

- No, they're not. - It's not gonna

cut the grade.

- So we need to go and pitch that to him.

Do you think he will take us seriously?

- Don't ask, don't get, Chaz.

[upbeat dance music]

[tattoo gun hums]

- Don't worry, Jack, man.

It'll be fine, trust me.

- Do you reckon your sister will like it?

- Well, like, naw,

'cause she looks at you like a little brother as well.

- [Jack] Yeah.

- That she's gonna- - [Jack] That's a shame.

[Jack laughs] [Danny laughs sarcastically]

- Has she got a tattoo?

- No, I don't think she'd ever get one,

especially a camel on her toe.

- So it's kind of pointless getting a tattoo

to make her laugh?

[Danny laughs sarcastically] [Jack mocks Danny]

- You prick. - [Jack] Ha ha.

- I dunno why you're even getting a camel toe,

but it's a good chat up line.

- Yeah, exactly, on holiday,

"Do you wanna see my camel toe?

"Show me yours first."

[Danny laughs]

[tattoo gun hums]

- Yeah, it's definitely gonna hurt.

- Well, just think about like happy stuff in your life,

like when we get our tortoise and stuff.

- Oh, that's gonna make me feel a lot better.

- [Danny] It will. - When I've got needles

going through my toe, [Danny laughs]

I'm gonna think, oh I'm gonna get a tortoise next week.

That'd be great.

- What did you call your tortoise?

- Steve McQueen, from The Great Escape,

but he just kept escaping.

- Yeah, so this time, we'll put him on leash and stuff.

- Who's next? - Oh my days, you're gonna

shit yourself. - [Jack] Oh my god.

[Jack sighs]

- Good luck, mate. - Cheers, mate.

- Do you want me to hold your hand?

- Yeah.

- You sure?

- Just hold my hand. [laughs]

[tattoo gun hums]

- Jack, man up, man.

Is the needle going right into your toe?

Just think of all the girls, mate.

[tattoo gun hums]

- So, at least you could still wear a little bit of makeup,

because you were saying that you couldn't

wear anything. - Yeah, so basically,

for a week after, I'm not allowed to wear eye makeup.

But what they said, 'cause I was like,

"Please let me wear something.

"I'm going out tonight-" - Yeah.

- [Frankie] Mascara or eyelashes.

- Well, I've put a little bit of eyeshadow under each eye

and little bit in the corners,

and I've already got individual lash extensions on.

- [Billie] Oh, that's good.

- [Jess] Yeah.

[slamming sound] - [Ladies] Oh! Hey, Bobby!

- [Jess] He needs help.

- [Bobby] Thank you, babe.

- But where's Gemma and Arg?

- I dunno, where is Gem?

Is she not here? - [Everyone] No.

- [Billie] We're guessing that they're in the bath together.

- Bar or bath?

- [Everyone] Bath! [Bobby gasps]

- They could be sitting in a bubbly bath now,

with a tub of ice cream and ten donuts.

- [Bobby] You know it.

Sharing a spoon like Lady and the Tramp.

[everyone laughs]

Not calling Gemma a tramp.

She'll have my guts

for garters. - [Jess] No, she's the lady,

that just means he's the tramp.

- [Bobby] Oh yeah! - Yeah.

[everyone laughs]

- Do you think we should start without her?

- [Billie] Yeah, we need to get going.

[Gemma and Arg giggle]

- [Gemma] James, you eat so quick.

- I'm very stressed out as well.

- Why?

- Dunno, I think today's just really stressed me out.

- Do you feel bad?

- I don't know if I feel that bad.

I feel a bit sorry for you and it's stressing me out

so I feel like I need to comfort you.

- [laughs] Right, as long as it stops today,

because we're meant to be at diet club.

You knew what I weighed before I joined diet club.

- It don't matter.

- Thank you. - I think you arms

look more toned.

- Do you think? - [Arg] Yeah.

- That's the thing, like,

you know, it's these little things

that we really are open with each other.

- Yeah. - [Gemma] And why is this?

- I dunno, I think it's just 'cause we're,

we're both close, ain't we?

- Mm-hmm.

- You're actually probably one of the only people

that encourage me to sing.

- But I really love your singing.

That's the thing like,

I love everything about you, even your feet.

I have seen your toes before,

and I know everyone was taking the mick, but I did like 'em.

[laughs] I did!

I know there's things you like about me.

- Yeah.

Yeah.

- I don't believe you've had this banter

with anyone in your life before,

[Arg laughs]

because, being honest,

I've never had it with anyone before.

I know you want a trophy girlfriend,

but there's no fun in lying in bed

with a stick that isn't funny.

[Arg laughs]

Well listen, we'll have this pizza

and then I'll make a move.

Yeah, you don't want me stay, do ya?

[upbeat guitar music]

[car door closes]

- [Tom P] You know where we are yet?

- [Abi] No, where are we?

- We- - Is it by a lake?

- We're goin' night fishin'.

[Abi laughs nervously]

I know you're not dressed for it,

- Oh my God, I'm not dressed - [Tom P] But don't worry.

- for night fishing. - I know, it's gonna be cold,

but I've got everything sorted.

- Night fishing?

- [Tom P] I know it's a bit random, but-

- I like random, it's good.

- [Tom P] Yeah, good. - Let's do it.

- [Tom P] I wanted do it because,

I used to come all the time with my old man.

- Oh, really?

- [Tom P] It'll be fun, trust me.

It'll be good. - Okay.

- [Tom P] Wait. [opens trunk]

- You've got a packed lunch?

- Picnic for two.

- That's nice.

- Got some champagne.

- [Abi] Nice- - [Tom P] Probably should've

brought a few more bottles.

- I think you need about five bottles right now.

[both laugh]

- [Tom P] And of course,

- Oh my God. [laughs]

- the rods.

- We've proper got rods?

- [Tom P] We've got everything.

I've got it all sorted. - Like actual rods?

- Have you been fishing before?

- [Abi] Never, I don't know what I'm gonna do.

You're gonna have to teach me everything.

- I will, I'll teach you how to do it, babe.

We'll have fun.

It'll be the best date you've ever had,

all right? - Sweet.

Let's do this. - [Tom P] Right.

[upbeat music]

[happy crowd chatter]

- Hello everyone, thank you for coming today

for the comedy night.

The reason why I've done tonight is just so that everyone

can just relax, have a laugh, you know,

let your hair down, have a few drinks, some cocktails,

and hopefully everyone that comes up

gets a big round of applause.

- What if like, you said a joke

and then no one laughed at you? That'd be so embarrassing.

- Yeah, but then that's part

of the drill. - That's like something

like I would do to my dad, I would laugh. [laughs]

- Jack's actually dressed up for once

'cause it's comedy night.

- I know, I try, you know what I mean? [everyone laughs]

- I'm not good at jokes. - I don't mean, do you know

I get really uncomfortable with jokes,

'cause like if you tell me a joke,

it's funny 'cause I love you and you're funny.

But you know like in real life,

in a situation when you're like sitting at a thing

and you don't know someone and they're like,

"Let me tell you this joke." - [Joey] Oh.

- And I get really under pressure

'cause I know I won't laugh.

- No, I don't laugh either, I go [fake laughs].

[Chloe laughs] Funny.

- [Chloe] I don't laugh- - You've got your cheeks

hurt and then you're like that.

- No, but I find it really hard to even fake laugh

like it's really shared.

- Yeah, that's what I mean.

I don't find people funny like that either.

- I don't get 'em, most of them I don't get.

- So you gonna be getting on the stage later, or not?

- No, I'm not, don't draw attention to me

'cause I don't like getting on the stage.

- [Joey] Why don't you just get on stage

for like five minutes?

Just do like a cartwheel or something.

- How's that a joke?

It's comedy night, so it's gotta be something funny.

- Ah, I've got a sick joke, man.

What time does a duck wake up?

The quack of dawn. [both laugh]

- I've got a really serious question to ask you lot.

- [Jasmin] What?

- Would you like to see my camel toe? [everyone laughs]

- [Danny] Oh my God.

- All right.

- What? - Put one hand here.

Hold it like that.

- Yeah.

- [Tom P] All right, three, two, one,

go. [casts line out]

- I did it!

- Yes! - Did I do it?

- Just about, it's all right.

[grunts] But from now on- - I'm really proud of myself.

- Oh my God, that was so much effort.

You're leaving the fishing to me now.

Well done, though. - It's not bad.

It's quite fun.

- Yeah, I'm a good teacher.

- You are, am I a good learner?

[Tom grunts]

- That's quite a big rod.

- You're not used to dealing with big rods?

- [laughs] Not like that, no.

Thank you.

[Tom pours champagne]

I'm cold, I can't even feel my hands. [laughs]

- Well, if you have enough of this,

you won't be able to feel the cold.

- Exactly, let's get it down, us.

- Cheers, babe. - Cheers.

- When you turned up in your high heels,

I was like, oh no, she's gonna go nuts.

I thought you was gonna make me take you home.

- You're quite lucky, I was like contemplating it.

- Was you really? - Yeah, for like five seconds.

- And then you just looked at me and you was like,

"Actually no, he's worth it."

- Well, we've gotta see.

- You know you were saying the other night, you're like,

"Yeah, I'm a proper good girl."

- I actually am a good girl, though.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

- We'll see. - I never kiss

on the first date.

It's just like the number one rule.

- You don't kiss on first dates?

You've never kissed anyone on the first date

before? - No, I actually haven't.

- That's such a lie.

- I swear on my life, I haven't.

- Right, we're gonna change that tonight then.

Hmm.

[crowd cheers]

- Thank you.

Obviously, I'm gonna just come up to make an example.

You know, it's my night so I thought

maybe I'll just come up, say a few jokes.

They're probably not that funny,

but hopefully you'll enjoy it.

[everyone cheers]

Here they are!

[friend shouts]

The happy couple, where was you?

I'm pretty sure I saw a steamed up car outside.

Was that yous two?

- [Gemma] Yeah. - Your hair's as bit ruffled,

I like it. - [Gemma] Oh, shut up.

[everyone laughs]

- Thanks for turning up, late,

but you know, we'll deal with that.

- I'm gasping.

Hello, you all right?

- Hello mate. - What's happening, mate?

- How you doing, good to see you.

- Hello, gorgeous.

[kisses on cheeks]

You look lovely.

- [Gemma] Thank you, thank you.

You smell nice. - [Darrell] No problem.

- Ooh, your shoes are nice as well.

- [Darrell] Thank you. - They're gorge, very sexy.

- Thank you very much.

How you gettin' on?

- Yeah, really good, well a bit stressed,

but in life sometimes, if you don't laugh,

you're just gonna cry and end up on the floor.

So just trying to keep up.

- How's the hotel, though?

- Well, it's a bit scary.

You have to come over one night and see me there

and keep me company. - I'll come and

keep you company.

- What does an eagle and a mole have in common?

They both live underground, except for the eagle.

[everyone laughs]

- I'm driving so if you need a lift home or anything,

I can give you a lift home.

- You'll give me a lift home? I might leave my car then.

So nice to have like a man

that can drive you and look after you

and just treat you like a proper girl, you know?

- Yeah, but that's what you need though.

There's only so many frogs you can kiss,

d'ya know what I mean, before you get

to that prince- - Yeah.

I need to be number one. - You have to be number one.

You can keep being number two in someone's life

all the time. - [Gemma] No, that's it.

- We'll have to catch up and have like,

go out for something to eat then.

- Yeah, that'd be nice.

We gotta start exercising together as well.

- I know, definitely.

We'll sort your diet out and everything.

- [Gemma] Yeah. - [Darrell] Go for it all.

- [Gemma] Yeah, wicked. - No problem.

- [Gemma] Wicked. - When you gettin' involved?

- I've already lost a bit of weight, ain't I?

- Oh you have, you've done well.

[ladies cheering]

So, well anyway, here's to a good night, all right?

Take care. - [Arg] Cheers.

- Enjoy yourselves, I'll see you guys later.

- Thanks, gorge, bye. - See you later, babe.

See you later.

- Take care, mate. - Bye.

- [Gemma] Nice, isn't he?

- Yeah.

[Gemma laughs]

- A bit up his ass though, Gem.

- No I'm not. - You are.

[mockingly] Darrell! - Shut up!

- [mockingly] Fucking Darrell,

you've done everything for me, Darrell.

- But it's not a competition,

he's just a friend. - Yeah I know that, but why,

I dunno you just make me feel like

fucking I've done nothing and he's done everything,

make me feel like a fucking idiot.

- James, please don't get jealous.

- Oh my God, I'm not being jealous at all.

- [Gemma] Your eyes are like, looking angry.

- I'm not angry one bit. - [Gemma] Like it's green

snake eyes.

- I'm trying to concentrate.

I'm about to do some comedy.

- What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?

Where's my tractor?

[everyone laughs]

You've been great!

I love you guys!

[cheers and applause]

- [Ricky] Yes!

- [laughs] Oh no.

All right, basically, everyone here's come tonight,

they've brought a pad and pen

and they've written everything down, but no, not me.

I'm going for freestyle, it's all off the top of me head.

I was gonna banter Gemma Collins tonight, but I'm not,

because you've been a bit down recently.

With me a Gemma we 100% bounce off each other, don't we?

Literally. [laughs]

They say you can't buy love, but with Mario and Lucy,

you can definitely buy love.

On Valentines day, instead of Roses,

Mario and Lucy bought each other Twitter followers.

[everyone laughs]

[high fives]

[applause]

- Well done, Arg.

I'd like to say we've got a very,

important act coming out next.

Don't look at me like that, Bobby Norris.

- [Everyone] [cheering] Bobby Norris!

Bobby Norris!

Bobby Norris!

- [Audience Member] Go, Bobby!

- There once was a man named Arg,

who worried he looked rather large.

He tried to get fit, even bought all the kit,

but when he's in Essex, takes charge.

[everyone cheers]

- [Audience Member] Well done, Bobby!

[owl hoots]

- A bit scary, you can't really see anything, can ya?

- I can't see a thing, it's really scary.

What if something come out the water at us?

Like a swan or a geese?

- Well you just gotta run away, ain't ya?

- In a sleeping bag?

- I'll put you over me shoulder.

- All right.

So like, why have you like taken me on a date

where I'm like all covered up,

'cause like, you know you've seen me

and everyone knows me to be out

with my boobs out and everything

and you decided to get me all,

[laughs] snuggled up. - If you had your boobs out,

then I'd just be here staring at them, wouldn't I?

- So that's quite good that you're like,

you wanna see my face,

[laughs] not my boobs, like most boys do.

- If you rocked up in a tracksuit,

I wouldn't care, it'd be fine.

- That's a good thing, I like that.

[geese honk]

What do you go for in a girl?

- Um.

- Like, what's your type? - I guess like,

someone you can have a laugh with,

someone you obviously gotta be attracted to.

I dunno, just someone I can have a laugh with

at the minute, you know what I mean?

We're young. - Am I a laugh?

Have I made you laugh tonight?

- Yeah.

- Good.

- It's so cold, feel how cold I am.

- Oh my God, - Are you trying to

get close to me? - You've nicked the

hot water bottle!

- I should get the hot water bottle.

- Don't take the hot water bottle.

- That's why your hands are so warm.

- I know, like now, I'm gonna be freezing.

Seriously. [laughs]

I told you, I don't kiss on the first date.

[Tom sighs]

[Abi laughs]

[upbeat dance music]

- Okay, thank you everyone for coming tonight,

and everyone who got involved.

[everyone cheers and applauds]

- I witnessed Gemma clapping, and-

- We was both watching her, Arg, and she didn't clap.

- [Arg] All right.

- [Bobby] Why are you speaking for Gemma-

- No, no, no, I just told you now.

- Calm down.

Do you know what the problem is with you two?

And it's not just me that's got a problem with it.

You're just not genuine as people and you're

showing your true colours. - How can you say that?

How can you say that, Gemma?

- I feel that when you two get together,

you just slag me off-

- Do you know what I don't like, darling,

- Not at all. - Let's just have a little-

- Don't call me darling, Bobby.

- Oh, stop it.

- All right, babes, I'll call you whatever you want.

One minute you're telling me one thing,

the next, you're not.

I support you twice a week at diet club.

Today, I actually covered your class

because you two wasn't even there.

How can you not show me a bit of decency and clap me?

You're really trying to pluck something

out of thin air that's not there.

It's nothing to do with me not clapping you, yeah.

If I don't find someone's jokes funny, or limericks funny,

I don't clap 'em.

- All right, then.

That's fine.

- [Gemma] So- - So if I don't care

about your weight loss, I won't turn up to fat club,

and I don't care about your

weight loss- - Bobby, it's not fat club,

it's diet club. - No, leave him,

leave him, leave him.

Go on, show yourself- - That's all right.

I'm not disassociating myself from diet club,

- [Gemma] Lovely. - Because I don't care

about it. - Stop being so aggressive,

Bobby, you do need to calm down, darling.

- Up against someone like you, babe?

If I went into a thesaurus and looked up aggressive,

there'd be a picture of Gemma Collins.

- You've never even read a thesaurus, darling.

- Darling, I just told you what a thesaurus is.

She's patronising me.

You're patronising me. - All I'm saying is,

I do not mince around the bushes,

- [Bobby] Mince?

Good word! - Gossiping.

- Don't come here, getting in my grill,

and be derogatory. - Oh don't twist my words,

Bobby, 'cause you've just done so many shots

'cause you're so nervous when you speak to me.

- If you think you make me nervous,

- You're an embarrassment to yourself.

- I'm an embarrassment? If you say that one more time,

I'll rip that cheap wig off your head.

- Don't say that, Bobby.

That's aggressive.

- Bobby, I've got no wig on my head.

- Oh darling, that ain't real.

That ain't real.

- Bobby, come on.

- You ain't real!

You aren't real. - Gemma, calm down.

- All right, Vanessa Felts.

I'll leave ya to it, I'm done.

You've just heard it there.

Shove it up your Jack and Danny.

You're a fucking tramp.

[upbeat outro music]