Original subtitles

No use leaving it in there, old boy.

Makes it really hard to get my shirt on over it.

Better leave it to the doctor.

Seriously.

Cleaned up out back?

There were only four.

All right. Check it upstairs.

Smile kit, here on camera.

Beautiful.

Simply exquisite.

Who was the one in command?

That, my dear, was Napoleon Tholo.

Considered the top agent at United Network Command for Law and Enforcement.

I wanted you both to see how handily he could neutralize our entire 12 -man

complement. Trash could use a few agents of Mr. Tholo's caliber.

We'll have them, my dear.

You know, it takes time to develop a good agent.

After all, Serena, you were not built in a day.

Pilot, halt the course for New York.

Yes, sir.

It's time to begin phase two of the August affair.

The attack upon our thrush headquarters in Australia was made by the United

Network Command for Law and Enforcement.

Their assault force was led by one of their American agents, Napoleon Solo.

He is seen here approaching a secret entrance to the Uncle headquarters in

York City.

The other man in this photograph is Ilya Kuryakin, another agent working for

Uncle.

The rest of these photographs were taken by one of our agents who is now dead.

This is inside the tailor shop from which through a dressing room...

Uncle agents gain entry to their offices by operating a concealed switch.

From the tailor shop, agents move through a steel -enclosed corridor,

various detection devices.

Here in Uncle's communications room, we see Napoleon Solo and Ilya Kiryakin,

together with Mr. Waverly, who is number one in Section 1.

Let's have a closer look at these men.

Mr. Waverly, one of the top five men in Uncle.

He will assign the agents to carry out the August affair.

Ilya Nikovich Kiryakin represents a danger to our plans in that he is a very

close friend to Napoleon Solo.

Kiryakin might detect some flaw.

Steps are being taken to eliminate him before we start to take over the August

affair.

And of course there is Napoleon Solo himself.

and not yet perfect.

Resonance still registered 0 .2 decibels plus treble.

No problem.

A minor larynx adjustment will take care of that.

A bit more cartridge from the upper nasal area.

The hairline raised.

The larynx adjustment, of course. We have five days maximum.

By then we should be ready.

Splendid. And then you'll be ready for your August affair.

You'll be a perfect double for Napoleon Solo.

Hot. While you were gone.

Sandy.

Peggy.

Sandy. Sheila.

Sandy. Joyce. Sandy.

Sandy. Active little thing, isn't she?

Very.

Mr. Waverly is waiting for me.

Coffee to your milk.

Did I awaken you?

Not yet.

You're beautiful.

Hey, new fair peeking.

Who is this?

Napoleon.

Napoleon Solo!

I love you, Napoleon Solo.

Sandy?

Well, I just arrived back in town. Who was that?

Oh, that's my new roommate, Taffy.

She's a girl. I mean, she's a stewardess, too.

We just got in from a flight from Rome.

Well, I'm sorry. I just wanted to know if you could possibly have dinner

tonight. I'll be ready at six o 'clock, darling. Is that all right?

I may not be able to wait that long.

Then you start by yourself, darling, and I'll catch up.

I have a dinner date at 6 o 'clock.

And I don't have a thing to wear.

That'll never go out of style.

Good morning, sir.

Not really.

This will make your morning a bit more careful.

A little something from Australia.

Microfilm. An in -detail report.

Complete with coded copies of documents taken from thrush files after our raid.

They might tell us something.

We can't tell until we break the code, can we?

No, sir, but I'm sure that section four... You'll handle it.

Have your Russian friend give you a hand.

I'll get on it first thing tomorrow. I want it before you leave tonight.

I...

More champagne darling?

Of course you will.

lovable, beautiful, sexy man.

Goodbye, Napoleon fellow, wherever you are.

Ilya, would you mind doing me a favor?

I was wondering when you'd get around to it.

You don't mind finishing up alone?

No.

I've got my computer to keep me warm.

Thank you.

Oh, there's one more thing.

Oh,

I'm sorry. That's Russian.

Bobo. Sandy?

It's me, Napoleon.

Sorry, I'm entertaining a gentleman.

It's okay, Bobo, darling. Get back into bed.

I'll be there in a minute.

Good night, Mr.

Napoleon's soul.

Would you mind?

We'd like to be alone.

Well, I thought I'd just come along as a chaperone.

Would you forgive me?

No. I hate you, Napoleon Solo. I'm sick and tired of being stood up by you. I'll

never stand you up again. Now, why don't you just sit back and relax?

No. I want you out of my life. Out, out, out, out.

Sorry, old boy. Three's a bit of a crowd.

What would you like to do later?

Oh, I feel like Italian food.

You don't feel anything like Italian food.

I don't? No.

You feel like lady fingers.

And cream puffs.

And sponge cake.

Strawberry pie.

Strawberry pie.

Can we monitor them now on the television screen?

No. I think Mr. Solo is entitled to his privacy.

There's a time when prying ends and a sense of morality begins.

I think someone is sending their Christmas presents a little early this

Operation Robot failed.

Shall we try another method?

Over. No, we don't want them to become any more suspicious at this point.

We'd have to chance that his Russian friend won't see through him.

Rendezvous at point A.

Oh, and have the robot operator report to me right away.

To the most beautiful airline hostess in the world.

To the most beautiful liar in the world.

Well, tell me about your trip back from Rome. It was gay, and it was exciting,

and it was very lonely.

Lonely, what?

I meet a lot of very interesting people, but somehow they're gone before I

really know them.

When are you leaving, Napoleon?

In a few days.

Mr. Soto, telephone.

The one in the middle seems to be again.

It's one of the more overt statuses.

Napoleon Zola would never blow the head off a beautiful girl.

Not even when the beautiful girl was a trash agent.

Trash? What's that?

Well, now you remember.

Sweet. It's that international band of renegades that want to rule the world.

Thrush. You know, where you pick up your paycheck every week.

Oh, we work strictly on permission.

Oh, I see. Well, what is the going rate for kidnapping uncle agents?

I'm not going to kidnap you.

I merely want to discuss something with you.

Privately. Well, you see, I have this odd behavior pattern that whenever I go

strange places with strange women, I get hit on the head by strange men.

But you keep doing it.

Well, I'm trying to quit.

But you can't.

And neither of us can afford to waste time.

I'm here to discuss the August affair.

I don't understand that.

So you will have to come along and find out, won't you?

Perhaps later. I'm sorry. The timetable calls for tonight.

And you know the August affair can't wait.

Sandy, I tell you, I know this seems like an unusual... May I have that,

Mr. Black Seat and Stowell?

I know you're not going to believe this, but this was just a chance meeting. You

see, I came up here to answer the phone, and the young lady... Oh, thank you

very much. Here you are, dear.

Oh, waiters. Is that our order?

Spaghetti Milanese.

Oh, Mr. Stowell might like to see that.

Who's that?

Yes,

who's that? May I have the check, please?

Or we can't talk and kiss at the same time.

Let's try.

Are you just playing for time?

Or are you just playing?

Perhaps a little of each.

Napoleon.

Somehow I keep smelling spaghetti Milanese.

But you wear it well.

You want to have a salad?

If you promise not to attack me.

You promised not to attack me. How can I attack you when you're pointing that

thing at me?

Sorry.

How would you know about the August affair?

It's entirely possible. I went through your dossier and read some of the

reports.

it's also possible that you might be lying all things are possible

This room isn't but I check

Shall

we

sit down fine the August affair remember

When is it going to take place?

What? The August affair. When will you leave?

Oh, I don't know. It's very difficult to book passage during the tourist season.

I'll get it. I'm sorry.

I'll get it.

Time to get back to business.

Come in.

You wouldn't put a bullet through your own head, would you?

Open Channel D.

Channel D, open.

Solo, Section 2.

You may take the direction finder off me now.

Situation is back to normal.

Thank you for your cooperation, Mr. Solo.

You've helped position us for Phase 3 of the August affair.

I'm afraid our poor Mr. Solo will have a splitting headache when he awakens in

the Austrian Alps.

absolutely perfect not really

As a matter of fact, I'm not.

Would it be presumptuous of me to ask where I am and where my devil is? I'm

afraid it would.

Be very careful not to harm him. We must keep him physically perfect for the

moment.

Yes, sir.

Yes.

Yes.

Right a little, sir.

Napoleon. Hello.

Mr. Waverley?

You must have put in a long night decoding the microphone, Mr. Solo.

Well, it had to be done, sir.

Mr. Solo, Mr.

Curiakin here will accompany you on the August affair.

Fine. Sort of breaking in a new courier.

I don't want to seem fatalistic, Mr. Solo.

But every now and again, I have a feeling that your days on this earth are

numbered.

Well, I am sorry you feel that way, sir.

Yes. Well, you'll begin acquainting Mr.

Kiriakhin with all the details of the August affair immediately.

Can I be told the purpose of this affair?

Well, for the moment, you may know this much.

You and Mr. Solo will proceed to Washington.

At our headquarters there, you'll meet two agents.

And you'll be given a briefcase to transfer abroad.

And what does this briefcase contain?

The new combination to a vault.

A combination that's changed in the month of August every year.

It's Uncle's responsibility to see that the combination is delivered.

The vault, what does it contain?

Perhaps the very faith of the world.

You'll be told when you arrive at your ultimate destination.

Your latest credentials You report to me at the usual time

good luck, thank you

digs you have here, Mr. Waverley.

Kit Kittredge, sir.

Section 2, Australia.

Mr. Kittredge.

Glad to know you personally.

We have glowing accounts of your work.

Thanks, sir.

After six years with Ansel, it's nice to get a look at the main headquarters.

What's the mission, sir?

Four of our top agents are carrying important data from point A to point B.

You'll trail along behind to give protective covering against ambush or

Fine, sir. Just who are these agents?

Oh, yes.

Us in Korea, our Sicilian department, Nomana, African,

Ilyak Yurakin, our Russian agent, and Napoleon Solo.

I want you to avoid direct contact with any of them.

What if Napoleon says hello?

Ignore him.

He'll understand?

Yes, sir.

Yes, um... Since our identity photos don't show you with a beard, Mr.

is the, um... Is the beard real?

No, sir, it's a fake.

I've got the real one in my pocket.

Yes, well... Good day.

Thank you.

You've changed.

How? Your shaving lotion.

It's a gift from my mother.

Buongiorno. I am Arsenio Coria, Sicilian headquarters.

Napoleon Solo.

Ilia Kuriakin.

How are things in Sicily?

Busy. If it's not fresh, the macchiuti.

I'm sorry, but I was all night on a plane from Rome.

My name is Mermano, the Liberian section.

Napoleon Solo.

And this is Ilya Kiryakin. It's a pleasure.

And Arsene Correa.

I work with your brother, Ashanti.

How is he?

My brother was killed.

activate an electronic combination device if the case were to be opened

improperly acid would be released from the walls of the case destroying the

contents

Just have some coffee. And could you get me a needle and thread? I've got a

loose button here.

Yes, sir.

He really is very interesting looking.

That miserable rat.

Pretending he didn't even know me.

He's probably married and someone in the group knows his wife. He would have

told me if he were married.

Sometimes they forget to hold that rat.

Coffee's there.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Was it hot?

No, no. Just a little bit sweet.

Oh.

My orders were that the case was to always be in sight of at least two of

three carriers.

Oh, yes, we are getting a bit sloppy, aren't we?

Are your needle and thread clear now, the jacket?

Well, I'm afraid it's too late. I seem to have lost the button.

Are you sure you haven't lost all your buttons?

Being a bit snobby, aren't you, mate?

It's a bit risky for proper greetings, Kit.

Right you are.

How's the shoulder wound?

I never realized a bullet would make such a nasty mess of one's shoulder.

I believe it was a knife wound in the left.

I must be getting old. My instincts are failing me.

I thought I was on to something most diabolical.

Really? Like what?

Like Thrush having a double for you.

Iron

Knight?

Damn it.

Bloody carrot. Thrush was monitored.

You saw me there.

Look at me.

Trouble?

Recognize him?

No. It's a thrush agent I encountered once in Vienna. He just tried to kill

Is he dead?

Very, I'd say.

This card says you're a diabetic.

And apparently, you died before anyone could administer necessarily.

Good

morning,

Mr. Zolo.

Anything I can do to make things more comfortable?

How long would you say I have to wear all this costume jewelry?

Don't be patient.

And please don't struggle.

You might bruise your wrists.

When they find your body at the foot of the mountain, you want it unmarked.

Except for contusions sustained in a sudden stop.

To that end, I have a surprise for you.

Nina is an expert master.

At this stage of the game, I'm really not...

We want to preserve the natural body tone, the normal balance of the

humors, a relaxed condition of the musculatures.

Nina, proceed.

Nice perfume.

I tell you, I'm much more demonstrative when I'm not chained up.

My instructions are to see to your physical well -being.

I tell you, being chained up like that gives me kind of a cramp in my

latissimus dorsi.

You have a very well -developed latissimus dorsi.

Is that right?

Very well, Bob.

Well, that's kind of you to notice.

Go about your duties, you miserable pervert.

Bye. Bye.

Thank you very much again. You're very welcome.

Bye -bye.

Am

I

the last?

Oh, your friends have already disembarked. I wanted to freshen up

party. Cold my hair.

What line of work are you in, Mr. Koryagin?

I pretend to be a businessman, but I'm really a Russian spy.

And what do you do when you're not playing stewardess? In the off season,

fullback for the Chicago Bears.

As I might have known.

Do you think it would be all right for an all -American fullback and a Russian

spy to have a drink together later?

It might help.

He was a diabetic.

You've been chosen to bear a burden imposed on few living men today.

But first, I must warn you, each and every one of you, to be extremely

once we have entered the cave.

And do we open the case now?

No, not until we've reached the vault, which is 180 feet beneath us.

You will wear these special protective goggles at all times.

And again, I must caution you, be extremely careful not to remove them at

time. Is that quite clear?

Yes. And now, gentlemen, if you'll please put on these coveralls.

Security measures, as you can see, are quite expensive.

In recent years, scientists from many nations working together found

on the verge of a discovery.

A discovery of such awesome power that the most deadly nuclear weapons would be

literally negated by the use of this power.

They were faced with an appalling fact, that a weapon would have to be

constructed to utilize this immense power.

They would build such a weapon?

The choice was not altogether theirs.

We've picked up radio waves from space for a number of years.

However, another aspect of the situation is known to only a few.

And that is, some of these fragments, according to some of our finest

minds, establish a pattern.

And that pattern indicates that someday we might be assaulted from beyond the

stars. Who can tell? It is more than theory, but less than a proven fact.

And against such a possibility, it was agreed, the counter -weapon would be

Project Earth Slave.

As you can see, as each capsule is decoded by the machine, it is destroyed.

So that no man on Earth will know the combination we feed into the computer.

Correct.

When the vault is opened, it creates a tremendous vacuum caused by the

electromagnetic radiation from the high -energy gamma rays.

Now, one word of extreme caution.

You must remain at a safe distance from the vault. The electromagnetic gamma

rays create a kind of rapture and a hypnotic effect which causes anyone who

looks directly into it to throw himself into the vault.

Jasmine, this is Project Earth Day.

He tried to adjust his goggles. No, no, don't touch him.

He'll drag you in with him.

of the Shet could use a might more salter.

Whatever you wish, Mr. Solo.

Mr. Thoreau.

I'm afraid we can't allow you to eat mashed potatoes with brown glass.

And that filament from the light bulb may give you indigestion.

Excuse me.

For being naughty, you'll have no dinner and no more light bulb.

I believe you have reservations for us. Oh, yes, Mr. Solow.

I've already had your luggage brought to your room.

You and Mr. Correa have two days.

Mr. Kyriakhin and... Namana?

There will be just three of us.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Had not the four of you intended to go mountain climbing?

I'm sorry, but I'm not up to it.

Do you mind?

Perhaps tomorrow.

Whatever you wish.

Hans?

Hans!

Show these gentlemen to their rooms.

Oh, Mr. Stoller.

I have a message for you.

I'll join you later.

Anything important?

It could be, yes.

Fortunately, Nemanja met with an unfortunate accident.

Darius II is ready to rendezvous with Solo for the last phase.

Ah, yes, the last phase.

This afternoon, I will climb a mountain and take the real Napoleon Solo from his

cell just 15 miles from here and push him off a cliff.

A climbing accident.

And in two months, the assault force at our observatory will be ready.

And then... The attack will begin from headquarters.

Once we reach the vault with the combination in our possession, Project

save is ours.

And no force in the world can resist us.

Darling, you can't imagine what a time I had trying to find... Mind you, I have

the entire airline working on it. Oh, it's so wonderful being together again,

though, isn't it?

Well,

I see you have your maiden aunt with you all the way from New York.

Do you mind if I join you? Oh, please do.

You've traveled a long way from New York to catch us.

Well, you wouldn't think I'd let him get away that easily, would you?

I admire your spirit, Miss... Sandy, my friends call me Sandy. Sandy, I tell

you, I'm sorry, but this is kind of a business venture here. It's rather hard

explain. You don't have to explain a thing, darling.

We were planning a hike to the mountains.

Oh, I'd love to go.

Fine.

Why don't we plan to leave in about an hour?

Shall we all meet here?

I'm going to change now.

Oh, me too. I'll see you in one hour.

Too late, Mr. Solo. I have already activated the auto -destruction

Neither of us has any chance of escape now. The entire place.

And so I became the first lieutenant in the Russian Navy to set fire to an

igloo.

Ilya? Yes?

Are you really Russian?

Yes.

What do you think of the Americans?

I find them very charming.

But I wouldn't want my sister to marry one.

Would you teach me some Russian?

I would like to teach you all about Russia.

Our music, our art.

Your romance?

Our theater.

And for reality.

How poetry.

You love songs?

One call for you, Mr. Kuriakin.

Kuriakin. Kuriakin. This is Uncle Alex.

Yes, Uncle. It's good to hear from you.

How was your flight?

Very nice.

The diabetic who died suddenly was an uncle from Australia.

As I recall, in New York you found a hot bath quite stimulating.

Darling, the ingenious plastic surgery of thrush can make a sow's ear look like

a silk purse, but it will never feel like a silk purse.

There's no time to play.

You may have caused this whole plan to backfire. I don't have any fear. I'll

take care of Sandy. What about the man in the red beard? The way you eliminated

him was stupid and clumsy.

I had no choice. He was an uncle agent.

So, why didn't the other agents recognize him, and why didn't they

missing? Because we didn't know that the man with the red beard was covering us.

I'm sorry to interrupt, Napoleon.

It's all right. You weren't interrupting anything. We were just leaving.

He would have had more savoir faire than to leave.

Oh, yes, all right, Mr. Kriakin.

There's also trouble at headquarters.

You'll have to contact them immediately.

How do you like your Uncle Aiton?

Well done, please.

happened? No, Martha.

Solo. Something wrong. He tried to kill me. Who did?

Solo.

But I thought he was your friend.

No, no. It's just another Solo. I've no time to explain.

Solo's escaped.

The last report was that he was headed this way on the Cernan Highway.

What do we do? Get a message to headquarters.

Order an attack on the stronghold if I don't contact our men by radio in two

hours. Attack? Now?

The plan was for Solo to die in a climbing accident. Now, if we can effect

similar accident, the plan can continue as scheduled.

But... but the others?

All right. Solo and the girl will have to... will be found dead at the bottom

the cliff.

And you'll be a victim of amnesia.

They will have no reason to suspect anything worse than a lover's quarrel.

That's right. And we'll have the combination to Project Earth Save. And

use it when the time is right.

Get a message to headquarters.

I thought you two might try to slip away.

Get out of that car.

Well, I was only... I said get out of that car.

How can you be sure we'll intercept him?

They only rode to the lodge from our headquarters.

Look.

Thank you.

Rush is going to be very disappointed in you, Serena.

Are you sure you want to go back?

As I said, I think Rush is going to be very disappointed in you.

That's not my fault, darling.

I delivered you, which was my primary assignment.

Such bad marksmanship, though.

Really. Killing the wrong solo.

By accident?

By accident.

So you thought the game was over, and you'd switch sides for a moment to earn

gratitude?

As long as I do have your gratitude, what difference does it make?

At any rate, Thrush will never know of the incident.

You won't tell him, and it seems the auto -destruct explosion has leveled the

entire camp.

I'm the only survivor of the August affair.

My story is the only story.

I see.

So, therefore, the failure of Thrush is due to one of your dead confederates.

Of course.

And now, since out of your gratitude, you're going to let me go.

I have to leave now.

Ilya might be a little bit put out with me.

Why is that?

I tried to barbecue him.

Oh.

He has very broad minds about that sort of thing.

Ciao, Benny.

Ciao.

Where's your college, Charlie?

Oh, she went back for a postgraduate course. Uh -huh.

Now, what is this?

Chicken noodle soup.

Napoleon Solo, you love chicken noodle soup.

I do?

Yeah.

How do you know I'm the real Napoleon Solo?

How do you know that the real Napoleon Solo wasn't killed on the mountain?

Well, there's one way to find out.

Poor man.

Obviously, his incarceration has taken a dreadful toll.

Can he stand up under this new assault?

He's a dedicated man.

Actually, this is a conditioned reflex with him. When an attractive woman

passes, he responds automatically. His arms reach out and... The less fortunate

among us have to think and plan before we act.

I have not spent five seconds thinking and planning. Now I must act.

Brand X.

The real McCoy.

Well, why don't you try again?

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