Original subtitles

The Duke of Barocco's dead.

How's his killer?

I don't suppose either of you could call this one of your finer moments.

This is just what you were sent to Barocco to prevent.

I'm extremely sorry, sir.

I hope so.

At any rate, the assassination of the Duke presents us with a host of new

problems.

I wonder if either of you have ever heard of Soyl Erosion.

A gangster, if I remember correctly, sir. Soyl Erosion was a gangster's

gangster. As bizarre as it may seem.

With the death of the Duke, soil erosion is now in line for the throne of

Barocco.

I guess you're right. It went great.

Why, you stupid nitwit.

Because of my nephew here, we won't be able to finish this.

Well, he spoiled the best part, the silencio.

Well, I'm sorry. Oh, Maestro, don't leave.

Play it, huh?

Well, all right.

Sure, come on. Let's go back now to bar 83.

You ready? Okay. One and, two and.

You not only got to be born stupid, you got to be born with a tin ear yet.

Oh, come on, man. You know.

Man, I don't know. Explain it to me.

Well, I don't see what you're so upright about. I mean, what is the hang -up?

Now, why don't you tell me the whole thing in American, huh? Okay. I don't

understand the problem.

You said you wanted the Duke of Barocco out of the way. Well, he's out of the

way.

Way out of the way.

But you didn't have to kill him, did you?

You didn't say not to kill him. You said lean on him. So I leaned on him.

Yeah.

Too hard.

Everybody's got his own bag.

Oh, brother, I don't know what I'm going to do with you.

If you weren't a relative... Do we have to go through that again?

Look, I promised your father I'd teach you the business from the bottom up.

Six ball and a side.

Thanks. You know, let me finish.

Go ahead, finish.

I didn't kill Uncle Rudolph, the Duke.

You didn't? No.

I hired that Arab cat to do it. He meant Bernal.

Stabbed good him like a nape. Where is he now?

I saved on his salary. I did him myself.

That's the first intelligent thing you've done this month.

So you think Erosion is responsible for the assassination of the Duke?

Control over Barocco's billion -dollar gambling casino would be motive enough

for Erosion.

It would be catastrophic if a man like that became a reigning monarch.

Then how can we prevent it if his claim is legitimate?

I said Erosion was in line for the throne.

Fortunately, he's not the first in line.

There's a cousin.

A major, stellar Erosion.

Sowing in the morning.

Sowing seeds of kindness. Good, good.

Louder!

Mission impossible.

Come on.

Oh, well, never mind. It might be on here somewhere.

Nice singing.

For a reasonable facsimile.

You go inside, I'll try and find out what he's up to.

Don't be afraid.

Everything's going to be all right.

Run the bell of redemption.

I'm looking for a Major Stella Erosion. I am Major Stella Erosion. Come in.

Come in and join us in a song. It'll do you good.

There is one other thing.

I know.

I know. But there's nothing to be ashamed of.

We're all sinners here.

Come on.

Wait.

Must remember to get a cat.

replenished our souls, we can replenish our talents.

Please,

please, please.

Chew up, chew up. Chew up, gentlemen.

Oh, please.

Please, would you pass the plate?

Yes, here you are, Alfie.

That's for you. I must tell you.

Don't tell now.

Tell later.

Eat. Confession's better on a full stomach.

Come along. Come along, Seymour.

That's for you.

And you, I think you're a new one.

But you'll enjoy the soup.

Come along this way. Oh, Norman.

Yes, Norman, here's an extra serving for you.

There.

Used to have his own TV show.

Cancelled.

Actually, I'm here to discuss soil erosion, not myself.

What has my cousin been up to now?

Oh.

He, uh... He hasn't, uh... Of

course not.

Tell me, Major.

Do you know anything about Barocco?

Barocco. I knew it.

I knew it the minute I read of Cousin Rudolph's assassination.

Soil did it, didn't he?

We think so, yes.

I knew one day he couldn't resist the temptation to do Cousin Rudolph in.

Poor Soil.

Poor Soil? What about poor Rudolph?

Well, there's nothing I can do for poor Rudolph.

Poor Soil is still with us.

Must remember to pray for him.

Well, you're right that you might pray for the poor people of Barocco if he

becomes Duke.

Lucky for them, you're the next in line for the throne.

Oh, you don't mean that they expect me to become... Of course.

Become the Duchess.

Assume your rightful place on the throne of Barocco.

A country that thrives on gambling.

Oh, never, no.

No, my place is here.

Only a baroque home stew without me.

Gentlemen.

It's about time you got here. What happened? Where's our friend? He got

but it's a lucky thing I saw him. I caught him and he was just about to

from up there.

You don't mean to say that someone was shooting at someone with a gun?

I'm afraid so, Major. At you.

Oh, excuse me, Major Stella Erosion, this is Mark Slade.

Oh, how do you do? Would you care for some soup?

Soup? No, thank you.

Major, it appears that your cousin Sawdell has you next on his list.

Oh, dear.

Oh, dear.

I never thought he'd sink so low in the well of depravity.

Oh, yes.

Then you will become the Duchess.

Oh, no. No.

No, my work is here. I cannot leave the mission, even if it means soil taking

the throne.

Oh, the bell of redemption.

It's another sinner.

What did you say?

The bell of redemption.

Another sinner.

Oh.

This isn't going to be as easy as we thought.

I'd better go and have a look.

needs a bit more salt.

Obviously, Mr. Erosion hasn't overlooked the existence of his cousin.

Apparently not.

And Major, she resolutely declines to take our...

Rightful place as the Duchess of Barocco?

Yes, sir.

She said her life is dedicated to world redemption, and she absolutely refused

to leave the mission.

I take it you'll explain to her the possible consequences if her cousin

the duke?

In detail, sir, but she still refused.

Oh, sheer nonsense.

Barocco needs her.

She must accept it.

What are you staring at, Mr. Slate?

Just London, sir.

It's nice to be back.

Well... You can come back again as soon as you've safely delivered Major Rosian

to the throne of Barocco.

How am I supposed to do that, sir?

Good heavens, Mr. Slade, do I have to explain everything?

Use your imagination, man.

Convince her.

Yes, sir.

And you, Miss Dancer?

Yes.

I want you to go to Barocco.

Soil erosion.

Ten grand.

Five.

Six.

Go on, go on, go on. Let her ride.

Franco.

Abatage.

Seven. Eight.

I seem to have...

Run short of money.

Will you accept this as collateral?

Here's the bed.

How much do you want for it?

Five thousand.

How much do you want to bet?

All of it.

Okay.

Car.

Six.

Eight.

Some days you just can't make a nickel.

Monsieur.

Je vous en prie.

What do you say to 10 ,000?

Nine.

All right.

I passed the bank.

You nauseous something.

Give me that. Give it to me.

Oh, why did you stop me? Can't you see I have nothing to live for?

A gorgeous tomato like you, you've got to have rocks in your head.

Here, kid, take back your beads.

It's no use.

I'll only lose them again.

Oh, you're one of them kinds.

A compulsive gambler.

I can't help myself.

It's cost me everything.

I appreciate your help, but it's simply no use.

Are you married?

Not anymore.

You keeping company, going steady, anything like that?

Nothing like that.

What's your name?

You may call me April Dancer.

I'm Soyla Rojan. You heard of me?

No.

I don't make any difference.

You live around the neighborhood?

You mean you got no place to go?

The villas.

The yachts. All gone.

Yachts?

Two.

One for the Pacific and one for the Atlantic.

Oh, and a small one in the Indian Ocean. Now, please leave me alone.

Well, I know this ain't much, but I got a yacht.

Oh, I couldn't possibly accept it.

Accept it?

I don't accept gifts from gentlemen. It's my upbringing, you know.

Take back your yacht.

Oh, gee, thanks.

You know, I knew you had class the minute I laid eyes on you.

I got a proposition for you.

There's no strings attached.

But seeing as you got no place to go, well, I'd like to... I'd be delighted to

be a guest on your yacht, Mr. Rogers.

You would, huh?

All right, here.

Here's your beach.

Come on, let's go.

Miss Nelson, I said we were all sinners, not swingers.

Sorry, Major.

Major,

excuse me interrupting, but do you think we could possibly play a different

tune?

We've been playing this one for over two hours.

Mr. Jones is very fond of this tune.

Besides, it's the only one he knows.

And...

You all right?

Yes, yes, I think so.

Sorry about your drum.

Oh, oh, the poor drum.

Do you realize we could have all been killed?

Now, who would want to soil a russian?

Are you ready to ascend the throne now, your highness?

No, I'm sorry, Mr. Slate. My work comes first.

We will carry on in the face of danger without the drum.

What you're really saying, Mr. Slate, is that you've been unable to persuade

Major Erosion to accept the throne of Barocco.

I think she's weakening, sir. It's a matter of time before she... Time?

Time is something we don't have.

Major Erosion doesn't claim the throne of Barocco within 24 hours.

According to the laws of that country...

She automatically hands over to the next in line.

We know who that is.

I was just wondering, sir, perhaps I might not be the right person to

the Major.

What is it, Mr.

Slate? What do you have in mind?

Well, I was thinking perhaps the Major might be more amenable to the persuasive

powers of a more mature advocate like yourself, sir.

It just might work.

Might work.

Of course it'll work.

She's only a woman.

Mr. Waverly, he's a very remarkable man.

Isn't he?

Yes, he is very persuasive.

Yes. It's not what he says.

It's the way that he says it.

One...

One can learn a lot from Mr.

Waverly.

Oh, not bad. Not bad at all. Yeah, a little ribbon on the sides, couple of

medals, a sash.

Like man, it's boss.

You like it? I like it. Stinks.

It stinks.

Miss Dancer, everybody treating you all right?

Magnificently, Your Highness.

No, not yet.

But in 24 hours when I'm on the throne of Barocco.

Tell me something.

Are both these portraits your ancestors?

Yeah. Yeah, they was all blue bloods, too.

Now, this one, Zachary Erosion. Oh, he was a card.

Yeah, he was a horse, Steve. They hung him. Now, this one over here.

Yeah, that was Baron Basil Erosion. Man, he was something.

If it could flow, he'd drink it. They just threw him away.

You know, there's something about you that's bugger me.

It's like I seen you somewhere before.

I can't imagine where.

You ever been in Williamsburg, Brooklyn?

Greenpoint?

How about Hamtramck, Michigan?

Sorry. Why don't you stop bothering the girl? I thought I seen her before.

Who asked you? Who asked you?

You gotta forgive me. He's a black sheep of the family. He went to school.

Why don't you try the seventh in the corner?

Lovely.

How about if I hit the 11 into the 15, sending it into the 7?

Simultaneously sending the 2 into the 8 and sinking that on the side.

Then the 9 into the 3, sinking the 5 into the coin.

You've got to be kidding.

Uncle Soil, it's for you.

Finster, the mount piece.

Hello, what do you want?

You sure?

Are you sure?

Now, wait a minute.

I thought you said Stella wasn't going to show.

Oh, come on. After the treatment I gave her, she'll never leave that mission.

You know everything, don't you? Right now, she's on her way to Baroku to take

over the throne.

Well, it's no strain. I'll just wipe her out. Wipe her out? Is that all you can

think about is killing? All you had to do was... Uncle Soil.

Shut up, will you? Can you shut up, too?

Uncle, so I just remembered where I seen her. Where?

At the mission with Stella.

And that cat at the funeral.

That's her.

Here, cats.

Well,

what have we got here?

We got eight ball dancers behind the eight ball.

Hey, you, come here.

Soil. My good friend, Soil.

I'm sorry you do such things. Such a waste.

Such a fantastic waste of such talent.

Make sure she don't bother us till I get on the throne.

She ain't gonna go anywhere.

Get moving, April, baby.

Come on, April.

Stay right there.

That a baby.

The perfect age, ripe, tender, in a prime of life.

Cadillac would have cried.

All right.

Tie it in the anchor. Hurry it up.

Right. Look, sister.

For the record, I had nothing to do with killing the Duke. This mallet head.

I told him to scare him, not kill him, so he'd abdicate.

It was a mistake, an accident. I had nothing to do with it.

You know, of course, you'll never make it to the throne, Mr. Erosion.

Your cousin won't let you.

We got a good surprise cooked up for Stella.

A gadget invented by my friend Cannelloni.

Signorina, Enzo Cannelloni is a genius.

When I give you the signal, I want that ball on the roulette wheel to drop. My

friend, listen to me, please. I want that ball on the roulette wheel to fall

into the slot. No, listen to me, listen to me. You trust Cannelloni. When

Cannelloni does something... Okay, Uncle Soil?

It's all yours.

I think somebody fell overboard.

Get ready.

My most supreme...

bingo game. It's great. Not touch him, not touch him. You almost destroyed my

masterpiece. Okay, okay, but does it work?

Will it work?

Will it work, you pig? You swine. I'll tell you to get this guy off my back.

All right, all right, Carrie, knock it off, knock it off. Please, please, no

touch.

I tell you, Uncle Sol, I think he's sick.

But please, please not touch.

Please.

To doubt whether my machine will work.

It better.

I'll show you. I'll show you.

Voila! That's a Lola?

Looks like a beetle.

She looks like a beetle.

To you, she's a beetle. To us, she's a hummingbird. She's a fortune.

She's a television transmitter.

She's a... Now look here.

Look. Look. Come with me.

See? Look here.

I'm magnet.

Make a bet.

Pick any number you wish.

Spin the wheel.

Let me see.

Number one. Red.

That ain't the number I picked.

The machine I worked with.

Please, please.

Number one red.

Well?

Beautiful.

Hey, apologize.

Yeah, that's right, apologize.

Come on, come on, come on. Okay, okay, I apologize. Now, please do not touch me.

You say he's sick. Now, what are you going to do with that thing?

Oh, I wish you weren't a relative.

What are we going to do with this thing? Yeah. I'll tell you what we're going to

do with this thing.

We're going to take off all of Morocco. That's what we're going to do with this

thing.

Oh, yes.

Yes, I'm very impressed.

And I think I'm going to enjoy myself.

Oh, look at all those gamblers waiting for redemption.

Aren't you glad you didn't let your cousin Soil become Duke of Barocca? Oh,

glad. And I want to thank you and Mr. Waverley for making me come here.

The Viscount of Soil, your grace.

I think we'd better go in now.

Cousin Soil, what shall I do?

I don't think there's anything to worry about. Just see what he wants.

You're in charge here. Be cool.

Show the Viscount in!

Show the Viscount in!

Doesn't soil.

Still making your own soup.

State your business, Viscount Erosian. Her Highness has an extremely busy

schedule. As I saw.

Her schedule's going to have to wait for a while at all.

In the tradition of my noble ancestor, Charles the Sadiq, I, Viscount Erosian,

issue the challenge of Baroque.

Why is she breaking the furniture?

I'm the faintest idea.

On behalf of her grace, I accept your challenge. Choose your weapons.

The will.

The will.

Yes, well, we'll think about it and call you back.

It ain't that easy, my friend.

Viscount Erosion is correct.

Protocol demands immediate acceptance of the duel.

The duel?

Since the 17th century, when Charles de Sadiq... won the independence of Morocco

with the flip of a card.

Any living blood relative of Count Resedic may challenge the present ruler

the throne with a game of chance.

That is our rule.

Page 2, paragraph 5 of the Constitution.

Since Viscount Erosion has chosen the wheel, Her Grace must do all mano a mano

with him at the roulette table.

The roulette table?

I've never gambled in my life.

And I don't intend to begin now.

In that event, there can only be one answer.

I'm afraid to ask, what is it?

She will forfeit the throne to Viscount Erosion.

I think that calls for a conference.

Supposing we put the proceeds towards... No.

But it... No.

Absolutely no.

Somebody's dealing with my machine.

Hey, look.

That's his sister, and they're dead.

It'll bring life to me.

Signorina, you think you can monkey with my child?

Camilloni's too smart for you.

I am the machine's papa.

All right, come on. Hey, hey, where are you taking her? I'm going to take her

down below.

I'm going to make sure she's dead. I'm going to shoot her myself.

What's her hurry? What's her...

Murray, have you no blood coursing through your veins? No, Big Don, I'm

get rid of her right now.

Stop, stop.

It's soil signal.

The duel is about to begin.

All right, sit down.

One peep out of you and I'm going to let you have it right here. You understand?

The treasury of Morocco, $40 million.

You have to equalize it.

Give me the briefcase.

I ought to cover it.

Mind if I examine the will?

As long as we can examine it after you've examined it.

Ready when you are. The rules are simple.

Her grace will represent the house.

By count erosion, as the challenger will do the betting.

Should he succeed in depleting the bank's funds or breaking the bank as it

known, he may then play for the throne of Barocco. Are there any questions?

I still don't know if I'm doing the right thing.

You are.

It's all very puzzling.

My dear fellow, excuse me, but...

How are we going to play all the numbers if there are only two people playing?

You will only wager on colors.

Red or black.

Okay. I bet 50 ,000 red. Go on, roll the wheel.

Black. He lost.

Of course he lost.

Watch the scene.

Not torture. Please, not torture.

Patience, Doug, patience. Canelloni's an artista.

All right.

A hundred grand.

Noir, black, the house of Barocco wins again.

We won again.

So it seems.

Oh, I find this very exhilarating.

All right, 200 grand.

Go on.

Who's that?

The count wins.

You did it!

The debacle, she just begins.

Bednar Mill.

There.

Rouge, red again.

Vacante Rouge on winds again.

Red winds.

Come on, come on, come on, come on.

Hurry it up.

All right, come on now.

Let's live it up. 20 mil.

He wins again. He's very lucky.

Nobody's that lucky. He must be cheating.

Mr. Slate says you're cheating.

Are you?

Why, of course not.

No, I thought not. He couldn't sink so low.

Let's really live now, huh?

My regrets, Viscount Erosion.

The House of Barocco is unable to cover your bet.

Oh, what does that mean?

It means if he wins, your treasury is bankrupt.

He's unable to cover any of the bets.

He won! He won! I told you, come here.

Say,

hey, hey, hey.

Stop that. I can't concentrate.

Under the rules of the challenge, you now have the right to play for the

That's what we're here for, Buster.

No, no, please, please. You make the right choice.

If you win, you will ascend to the throne as the Duke of Barocco. If you

You will retire your winnings in addition to the money you began with.

Can it, Charlie.

Roll it. I've been trying to work it out, but I can't. I think we're in

Don't worry.

We are going to win.

I will sick. Please, don't touch my machine.

Rouge. Right.

Please, signorina, don't touch my machine, please. For the last time, I

can you do it?

Yeah, you touch me.

grace retains the throne of Barocco. Ah, you see, Mr. Fleet, I told you we'd

win. All you need is hope.

Oh, boy, am I destroyed.

Mr. Waverly, please come along, Mr.

Waverly. Come along.

Hurry then, hurry.

Come along. I haven't enjoyed myself so much in years. That is splendid.

Go along, Mr. Waverly.

Is this how you persuaded her to leave the mission and become the Duchess?

We made a deal.

She couldn't resist my offer to play the trombone.

But then what woman could?

Are we ready now?

Good.