Original subtitles

Three times he offered little Julie the north side.

Three times little Julie said no.

Who offered little Julie the north side? Why, Tony.

He's too smart for me. I think he's ambitious, huh?

We've got to discourage this kind of ambition.

I heard it. I heard it. I'll get to it.

Put it on the books.

Let's get out of here.

Little Julie, beware of Ida Marks.

Who's this?

He's the bouncer at the Purple Forum. He says, watch out for Ida Marks.

Beware Ida Marks.

Ida Marks? She's a stripper in the Purple Forum.

You're not a big one.

The one you made the boo -boo and told about the poker game. Oh, that Ida.

Dumb dame. She wouldn't know what I was talking about anyway.

Get lost, Bones.

Hey, little Judy!

Any help?

Are you kidding?

With my boy Bruce, a summa cum laude graduate of the greatest school for

bodyguards in the whole world.

But he's limited.

With a body like that, you can afford enemies.

Hey, that's good.

I'm Mark Slate. I'm from UNCLE. I wanted to ask you a few questions.

Ask me anything, but not here.

I talk better with a couple of martinis.

Hey, meet me at the club in about 20 minutes.

Can you play gin?

20 minutes.

I pledge in.

Nowadays, it seems possible that these cardboard kings and queens, with the

of a few jokers, might very possibly upset the entire

economy of the world.

Do you really believe that a poker game could do all that?

Unless we can manage to do something to prevent it. We know that little Julie

was arranging the biggest poker game in history.

We can't expect very much help from a corpse.

No, there is one thing, sir.

What?

Bruce, little Julie's bodyguard, is a graduate of Buddies Limited.

We have no record of Buddies Limited in our files. And Section 4 says they must

be a brand new school.

Yeah, I know. There is one name that might... Colonel

Cecil Seabrook.

Mr. Waverley, Colonel Seabrook.

is now the headmaster of Buddies Limited.

Seriously, what are you implying, young man?

Mr. Slade is implying nothing more than what the police know.

That Bruce was the murderer.

How dare they? How dare they? Why Bruce?

Seabrook, have you ever heard of Thrush?

Oh, yes.

Despicable beggars, absolutely.

Blaggots! Very well.

Or perhaps, as we say in America, thrush got to you, Bruce.

Wrong! Tommy Rot!

Absolutely impossible.

A body is absolutely pure in mind and body.

We're very big on bodies here. We specialize in the martial arts.

Judo.

Karate.

Gong Fu.

Yes, indeed.

An incorruptible mind in an indestructible body. I say, that's

isn't it? Let's remember that. An incorruptible mind in an indestructible

It'll look good in print.

You take the body course.

You'll see for yourself.

That's a splendid idea, Sir Brooke.

We at Uncle have always prided ourselves on the loyalty and fitness of our own

men.

I wonder how they'd stand up.

Buddies, you are through goofing off.

Now, stationary run.

Knees up. One, two, one, two. Where did the colonel get such a bunch of buddies?

I never saw such a lousy lot.

One, two, one, two. Faster, faster, faster.

You don't know a thing.

Apparently one does.

Maybe he knows too much.

I found out from Colonel Cecil's private file.

Not yet.

Let's find out how much he knows.

In the meanwhile, you just do everything you must to make him the best buddy we

ever had.

Even if it kills him.

Yes, sir.

Come on, now. One, two. One, two. Come on.

Hunter Private Sage.

Miss Ivory Rocks, please.

April Dancer, yes, sir.

Here? Where is here?

Oh, uh, the Purple Forum Theater, sir. It's sort of a burlesque house.

Yes, I know, I know.

Have you contacted Miss Mox yet?

Uh, no, just about to.

Well, Alice, time is of the essence.

So get whatever information you can from her and get it fast.

Yes, sir, of course.

Miss Marks? Yeah, thanks a lot.

Hello.

I'm Mark.

That's my billing.

What's yours, honey?

Um, April Dunster.

Not bad, not bad. Ten years ago.

Today you have to sound like a famous person.

Marshal Titor, Fidella Castor.

I'm thinking of changing mine to Charlene de Gaulle.

Charlene de Gaulle?

Don't you think I look French enough?

Doesn't matter.

Hey, what's with you, honey?

Oh, uh, I represent an organization called Uncle.

Uncle? That Uncle?

You? Yes.

Oh, Julie could see me now talking to you with her yell, Uncle.

Oh, well.

Why speak ill of the dead, as my daddy used to say?

It's too late now.

Oh, it's really not too late.

Oh, that's my cue.

I'm on.

Tell me, Miss Marks, what about little Julie?

What about that rat?

Shooting off his big mouth.

How he's going to hustle up a poker game where he can lay his mitts on over a

billion dollars.

Maybe little Julie would have lost anyway.

How could he lose using strippers?

Strippers? Mark Hart.

Daptic. You know.

Who were the other players?

Well, what's the difference? Julie's dead now.

He's lost.

We have reason to believe that an organization more ruthless than little

ever imagined being is after those billions.

Thrush. Worse than Julie?

Much worse.

Well, I did write down a name, just in case.

It's funny, I can never remember names.

Bodies, yes.

Names, never.

Is there any chance I might get that list?

I gotta go on now.

Miss Marks, every moment counts.

Look, honey, those customers are hungry.

Okay, okay, I'll feed them.

You just get me those names.

You feed them?

Aren't you a little lean?

Never mind.

A dictator, billionaire, power king, and the ruler of one of the biggest oil

-producing countries in the Middle East.

Quite a bizarre poker group, wouldn't you say?

This oil king, sir, this sheik, isn't he the one that gets his weight in

diamonds every year?

Yes, the very one.

Mr. Fleet.

Mr. Slate?

Perhaps he needs your assistance.

And a new communicator. Will you please see to it immediately?

Uh, sir, that's an all -male camp.

I couldn't possibly infiltrate an all -male camp. Oh, you'll find a way, Miss

Dancer. You'll find a way.

Up you get!

I think it's a picnic.

Over that wall!

Hurry it up now!

What are you waiting for?

I think it's about time we got rid of Mr. Slade.

You start his desert survival course immediately.

Yes, sir.

Betty? Betty, can you hear me?

They're all flunking in the course.

And they haven't even reached the poisoned well yet.

I'm going to come in myself before I get sunburned.

All right.

teeny anyone.

Bessie!

Bessie! Don't shout so. What is it, Sergeant?

It's that buddy's sleet. He's gonna get away.

I'm gonna have to kill him myself.

Do you hear me?

I'm gonna have to kill him. Then kill him, Sergeant Rimes.

Do it now.

Hold it, Bessie.

It's your little thrush sergeant friend who's outlived his usefulness. Oh, but

he doesn't know about you, Colonel. He thinks you're thrush.

Here, let's play a typical thrush trick on him.

Press the red button.

Oh, no, I can't. Oh, go on. If he's any kind of sport, he'll appreciate the

humor of it.

Goodbye.

Today a thrust agent.

Tomorrow an uncle agent.

Eventually we'll liquidate all of them.

And that in...

Includes Mr.

Most Popular Man in the Regiment Waverly with his Victoria Crosses

and his tailored uniforms.

Will you just wait till Seabrook gets his hands on that poker pot?

I'll buy and sell the whole ruddy lot of you.

See if I don't.

Mr. Slate, sassy love, you've got to make an example of him or he'll wreck

morale of the entire camp.

What about tomorrow at dawn?

Good. And I want the entire corps present to witness the proceedings.

Every muscle -bound mother's son of them.

See to it, Twickham.

anymore.

I'll overlook that.

Then, in his memory, I've

decided to give you all another chance.

After all, there's something to be said for ingenuity.

There's always room for a man with special qualifications.

Assemble in the firing corps. But, Colonel Cecil, the regulations clearly

state... Back to your training, men.

Why didn't you get rid of him?

I have plans, Mr.

Slate. What plans? The poker games tonight.

I can't believe you let an uncle agent stay here.

You'll see better.

You'll see.

So will Mr. Slate, poor chap.

What about her?

Pretty little thing, isn't she? Clever, too. Rather the sort I wanted on the

faculty.

Mark?

Heads up, I'm a lousy pitcher.

Did I miss you?

Fairly.

Hold your fire.

I can't help it. I'm being watched.

Well, listen quickly. Have you heard about release?

Release?

No.

Mark?

Mark? I'm still here, no thanks to you.

Look, I'll find out about this release bit.

You check out Twickham's office. I've got an idea she's the number one in this

whole thing.

Roger.

Is it?

Hello. If you'd been a real javelin thrower, I'd have been a shish kebab.

I found something.

Good, so have I. Good.

This paper marked personal Miss Twicken.

Honour to the names of all the latest buddy graduates on their assignments.

Now look.

This is a list given to me by Miss Marks.

Names of all the players in the poker game.

All the poker players have buddy bodyguards?

Mm -hmm.

You said you found something?

Yeah, I found this release room.

It looks as if they showed some kind of film there.

Film? I found a whole water film in Miss Twickham's desk.

Great. We're waiting for it. Let's go.

Here we go.

film of one of the buddies who's working for a poker player that hasn't been

killed yet.

No, Bruce didn't kill little Julie.

So that's what Bessie was secretly doing here.

Conditioning a certain number of buddies so that they couldn't stand something

about the man they were going to work for.

Eventually they flip and they kill their own masters.

Wow. Of course.

Release.

Yeah, we've got to get this stuff back to Twickham.

I'll report everything to Colonel Beckel.

Bill Pine.

I say, my dear girl, you really must try to forget your thrush training.

It doesn't become you.

She's an Uncle Agent, too, like he is. A very attractive one.

But they both know about release.

Next thing, they'll find out the location of the poker game.

And to make absolutely sure they have no trouble at all finding the location of

the poker game, you will take Miss Dancer with you tonight to the game.

Me? There's your assistant.

Undoubtedly, she will try to contact Mr. Slate, who in turn will try to get word

to me for help.

After all, he still thinks you're the evil one, my terrible Miss

Twigum.

Why? Why take a chance?

After the poker game starts, the buddies will kill their masters and everything

is ours.

Want a buddy?

Always a buddy.

Even though in a moment of weakness a buddy has accidentally murdered his

master, he remains faithful to the end.

He wouldn't even let us get near that money unless someone were to distract

Someone like Miss Dancer, for instance, who unfortunately in the end

must die.

Oh, it's all right. It's all right, Buddy 43.

Welcome, dear boy. How are you? You look just marvelous. Open the door.

Gentlemen, that's the sheik's baggage.

Welcome, Your Highness. You know, you're very late. We were quite worried about

you. How are all your oil wells?

Quite well. Quite well. Oh, that's marvelous. You know, they're quite

I rented them with the house so that you would be more comfortable here tonight.

Now, let's go on in.

Oh, I...

Absolutely terrible.

No, no, no, no, no. Don't shoot. It's only Miss Dancer.

She's an instructor with us. She offered to help us here this evening. And would

you believe it? She is the most marvelous poker dealer in the world.

Come right this way.

Mark, all the poker players have arrived and the game is about to begin.

Keep talking, April. We're homing on your signal.

East.

East driver.

Turn east, first opportunity.

I haven't been able to get nearly the players to warn them.

Miss Twicken won't let me be stopped now.

Tell her we're on our way.

Keep a stiff upper lip, you know.

Stay close, April. I'm trying to get in touch with Waverley for reinforcements.

Oh, and by the way... Well, Miss Dancer, you do know how to shuffle cards, don't

you? Oh.

Come on, come on, come on.

April?

April?

Be at Channel One, please. It's late.

Emergency. Very urgent.

Mr. Waverly?

Comfort of interference.

Mr. Waverly, come in, please, sir.

All right, gentlemen, gentlemen.

Are we ready? Are we ready?

Now, each of you gentlemen has a microphone so that you can communicate

with your buddy.

He, in turn, has a small amplifier with an earplug so that he can act to your

slightest command.

Microphone.

Earplug.

Very dodgeable.

Now, gentlemen, shall we start?

Miss Dancer.

Excuse me, gentlemen.

The cards were sticky.

Sticky, huh?

Well, try a little talcum.

Miss Dance is a little nervous, gentlemen. In spite of her experience,

never played for such high stakes or in such distinguished company.

Now, deal.

Yes. Will you cut the cards, please?

The game, gentlemen, will be five cards done.

Will you please, Andy?

Keep going, driver.

Charge on.

Go on.

All right.

Everything

all

right, Slade? Are we?

Yes. I was just thinking of the old buddy, Motto.

Which one was that?

Act now, think quicker.

Mr.

Beardley. $200 ,000.

Call and raise. I call.

And raise. I call.

And I raise.

Gentlemen, turn over your cards now.

I was bluffing.

For a card flush, nothing.

Shall we? That.

My apologies, gentlemen.

It would appear that Buddy Limited has managed to graduate for total

incompetence. It's most regrettable, I assure you.

We're wasting time. Get rid of the riffraff and let's get on with the game.

Dealer, deal the cards.

One moment, please.

Far be it for me to interfere with the game, Your Royal Highness and most

gentlemen, but I find it necessary to confiscate your table stakes.

Let's have no more quibbling in the ranks.

Give the barracks bag to His Royal Highness, please.

I am in need of four volunteers to fill the bag.

You, you, you, and you.

Don't do it, Mr.

Slade.

Come along, gentlemen. Let's not be stingy.

A few more hands full of everything, if you please.

Now, Mr. Slate, will you please close the bag and return it to me?

How much did you say?

A billion?

Two billion?

No, I see no reason to be greedy.

Thank you, gentlemen.

And again, my apologies for disrupting your game.

Hands over your heads.

We're coming down here.

Patience, Bessie.

Patience. They'll never get to us here.

The boat won't be ready until tomorrow.

Behold, Bessie.

Blander.

It's brilliant.

Think of it.

This single piece of magnificence could support a person for the rest

of his natural life.

We have hundreds of them.

Thousands.

You know what that means?

It means that I...

And the richest man in the world.

Shut up.

Shut up.

I'd like to be one of her fans.

Hey, I haven't read all about you in the papers.

And about this gentleman, too.

Oh, this is Mark Slade. How do you do, Miss Marks? Pleased to meet you, Mr.

Slade.

Pardon me if we don't shake hands.

I'm sorry to be late.

A little parking trouble.

Oh, this is Mr. Waverly. He wanted to personally thank you for all your help.

Alex! It's Alex!

Oh, Alex.

It's been years.

Years.

Years.

Ida?

Just a moment, please.

Either that's for you.