Original subtitles

♪ Last King Christmas

last arrived ♪

♪ On the Christmas Christmas ♪

Mmm.

Jerry, you are really

giving it to this ham.

Um, Merry Christmas.

Hello?

My parents are coming over

for the first time in years.

Can we stow the

gadgets and look alive?

Alive?

For your parents?

Mm, good one.

Hey, man! You "Hey, man!"

This holiday is

about humanity.

You know, I thought it was

about being born half-god or something.

Whatever.

All electronic items are going

in the stocking -- now.

Dad, I'm not

giving you my phone.

Put it in the stocking, Summer,

or I'm joining Facebook.

A-ho, ho, ho, everybody.

More like

"Whoa, whoa, whoa."

What is this?

My parents are coming!

Calm down, Jerry.

This is Reuben, an old friend.

Pearl Harbor.

I check in on him once a year

and give him a little

medical evaluation.

Aww!

Dad, that is so sweet!

Yeah, it is.

I don't get it.

Korea.

Don't worry about your

C-Christmas, Jerry.

I'll be with Reuben in

my workshop while you guys are

having another day in

Phil Collins' proverbial paradise.

Huh.

You think you know a guy.

Okay, there's my parents.

Now, remember --

no TV, no phones, no laptops.

We are connecting this Christmas,

like old-school

Jews on a Saturday.

Hey, hey!

Merry Christmas, son.

Uh, hi.

Can I help you?

Jerry, this is Jacob.

Didn't you get

our text message?

No!

You must be Jerry.

That's a fine-looking apron.

Williams-Sonoma?

I wish!

But thank you.

So, you're a...

friend of the family?

Uh, the way we see it,

he's a part of the family.

Wow.

After your father's brush with

cancer and losing your uncle,

we looked at life and wondered,

how have we spent it,

and how do we spend

the rest of it?

What are we going to

be when we die --

A list of fears

and questions

or a collection

of real experiences?

Holy crap.

Joyce, that's amazing.

Then Jacob came into our lives,

and...we're learning

to live again.

All three of us.

Cool.

Eggnog?

Now we are talking!

This man's got the apron

and the eggnog, huh?

Hi, Joyce. Leonard.

Hello, there.

Merry Christmas, man.

Morty, a moment of your time?

He's in bad shape, Morty.

Aw, geez, Rick.

What'd you do?

Gee, thanks, Morty.

W-w-what kind of monster

do you think I am?

I-I-I'm sitting here trying

to save the guy's life.

I need your help.

I want you to find

Dr. Xenon Bloom.

He'll know what's going on.

Uh, w-w-w-where --

where do I find Dr. Bloom?

In Reuben.

Reuben, Minne-- Minnesota?

Reuben on the table, Morty.

Look, I-I-I I don't

have time for you to wrap your

little walnut

around everything.

Just hold your breath

until the process is over

or your lungs will collapse.

What proc--

Hey, Dad, where's Morty?

He's busy.

- Morty, can you hear me?

Head north.

Rick, where am I?

Depending on my aim,

you should be just

south of the entrance.

Entrance to what?

Welcome, Morty.

Welcome...

...to Anatomy Park!

It's a little business venture

I've been cooking up on the side

with Dr. Bloom -- an amusement

park inside a human body.

Science isn't ch--

cheap, Morty.

This should really help

put a dent in the overhead.

Oh, my God!

This is insane!

Spleen Mountain?

Bladder Falls?

Pirates of the Pancreas?

You got a problem with that last one, Morty?

Huh? No, no.

I'm just reading 'em out loud in

the order that I'm seeing 'em.

Okay. All right.

If I sounded a

little defensive,

it's because Pirates of the

Pancreas was my baby.

You know, I got --

I got a lot of pushback

when I pitched it, Morty.

I guess I'm still

a little defensive.

Let's just find Dr. Bloom,

all right?

I-I'm picking up a distress

signal in the liver, Morty.

Proceed to the liver.

Arriving at...

...liver.

Ow!

Mind the gap.

It's really scary

in here, Rick.

The liver's under maintenance.

Reuben's seen some

rough years, Morty.

Don't judge.

You don't agree to have a theme

park built inside you if your

life's going great.

Rick! It's a monster!

No, no, no. Morty.

The only monster here is

alco......holism.

That is an

animatronic werewolf.

Who are you?!

Answer me!

Where'd you come from?

My -- my -- my

grandpa Rick sent me!

Poncho!

That's quite enough.

Morty, that's Poncho.

This is Roger and Annie.

And I am Dr. Xenon Bloom.

Hey, Bloom, it's Rick.

What the hell's

going on here?

I don't know why, but the entire

security system has shut down,

and I'm afraid...

the exhibits are unlocked.

Exhibits?

Anatomy Park's greatest

attraction, young man,

isn't the music

or the food or the...

Pirates of the Pancreas.

Watch it.

It is, first and foremost, a

living museum of humanity's most

noble and ferocious diseases.

Diseases?

Hey, doc.

I got news for you.

Your living museum is

officially a wild safari!

Hepatitis A!

Run!

Oh, the food goes

in your mouth, girl.

Oh, Jacob.

I-I'm sorry, Jacob.

I-I guess I'm still confused

about the precise nature and

origin of your relationship

with my parents.

Are you, like, uh -- are you,

like, their caretaker?

Is that what it is?

We can go into

detail later, son.

Now, wait.

Th-there's no point to secrecy.

Let's all live and die honestly.

Your mother and I have shared

40 years of each other, mind,

body, and soul, and when

minds and souls are joined

for eternity and when eternity

is at the door,

it's an invitation to let go of

the body and an opportunity

to share and experiment.

Dad, please.

What are you saying?

Whatever it is, it's beautiful,

Leonard, and we support you.

Hey, speak for yourself,

because it

sounds like you're about

to say Jacob is your lover.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Jacob is your mother's lover.

I watch them --

Sometimes from a chair and

sometimes from a closet,

almost always dressed

as Superman.

Oh.

Jerry, this ham has got

to be all you, right?

It's incredible.

Happy human holiday, Dad.

Aah!

Hepatitis won't follow us

into the respiratory system.

That's strange.

Airflow is down 20%.

So, the brain isn't

getting enough oxygen.

That's why

security's offline.

Well, I guess we

better check it out.

Hey! Wait for me!

Put that back on!

If we got up to the

Bronchial Catwalk,

we could look

for a blockage.

I'll go.

Don't be a hero, kid.

I'm not.

I'm doing it because it's fun.

We shouldn't be here.

Whatever you do, do not

fire that thing in here.

We must save Reuben.

This is my life's work.

It's all right, my dear.

Nearly all human lungs contain a

strain of these bacteria,

but the scar tissue

keeps them...

dormant.

Morty, get down!

Whoa-ho-ho!

Whoa!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Oh, what are those things?

Tuberculosis --

coming in fast!

Not faster than a bullet!

Aah!

No!

Do you know what you've done?!

Whoa!

Get to the digestive tract!

He's coughing!

Whoaaaa!

Don't let me die!

Just take a deep breath,

Reuben.

You're not gonna die!

What's your name?

My name is...

Alexand--

Rick -- R-R-Reuben's got

tuberculosis!

Oh, great work, Morty.

Okay, I'll just

cure it and then--

Okay.

Well, I can't cure death.

This is bad, Morty.

You're trapped

in a dead man.

Listen, if the situation

keeps darkening,

do yourself a favor and pop by

Pirates of the Pancreas.

Obviously I'm biased,

but I think it's great, Morty.

It's a bunch of

pirates running around a

pancreas.

We don't whitewash it,

either, Morty.

I mean, the pirates

are really rapey.

The top priority is to get,

you know, you guys out of there,

but I'm just saying, if that

becomes impossible, please,

you gotta treat yourself.

Oh, man.

W-w-w-what is

that horrible smell?

You mean the Panda Express?

Kidding. I-I'm kidding.

The body is beginning to

constrict and fill with gas.

We're inside a corpse, my boy.

Anatomy Park is doomed.

Forget about the park,

doctor!

How do we get out?

The digestive tract is the

evacuation route.

Get it?

There's an emergency station in

the colon with a ray that can

enlarge us all.

Everybody, head for the colon!

Now I'm taking orders

from a 12-year-old boy?

Morty, the scar sacs containing

the tuberculosis were sabotaged.

This disaster

was an inside job.

Keep your eye on Annie.

She was written

up several times

by her manager

at the Churro Stand.

Intestines are ahead to the

left, then to the right,

then left, et cetera.

Hey, just so you know,

I-I-I'm actually 14.

So, you know...

what?

Not 12.

Okay.

You know, because

he just said I was 12.

Oh.

Good for you.

Oof. Ugh. Morty.

Strike one.

♪ It's a road of wonder ♪

♪ A trail of food ♪

♪ It's a pathway to break

up the bad and good ♪

♪ It's a tube that digests

and then sends out the rest ♪

♪ It's a small,

small intestine ♪

It goes on like

this for miles.

Then we get to the

large intestine!

Shh!

I hear something.

Don't move.

Gonorrhea can't see

us if we don't move.

Wait, I was wrong.

I was thinking of a T. Rex.

Move!

We're sitting ducks!

Doc, didn't you say that the

body was filling with gas?

Yes. Why?

Kid, you're a genius.

Are you mad?!

Everybody, in here!

Hey, Gonorrhea!

How's this for a

burning sensation?

Huh.

♪ Drummer drum drum

drum drum drum ♪

♪ Drum drum drum

drum drum drum ♪

♪ Christmas drums ♪

Oh, sing it, Summer.

♪ Christmas drums being played

by a b-o-o-o-y ♪

Oh, I love to hear you sing.

Jerry, come on.

This is what you wanted.

I get it, Beth.

Be careful what

you wish for.

I'm being punished

for taking your iPad.

What?

Jerry, let that stuff go, okay?

I'm sorry I was

a bitch earlier.

Let's just be here.

Summer!

Ethan?

What are you doing here?

I've been texting

you for hours!

What the hell?!

I don't have my phone!

I'm doing a human holiday!

Well, did you even consider

how that might make me feel?!

How you feel?!

Why is everything always

happening to you?!

Summer, do you

have a boyfriend?

Yeah, do you, Summer?

I don't know, Ethan.

Do I?!

Jerry, no disrespect,

but you really need to

connect more with

your family, man.

I should be able to access the

backup generator to get the

growth ray online.

If it works, we'll be

regular-sized in a few minutes.

I just hope Reuben's not in a

room with white carpets

or upholstery.

What the hell is that?

The Sphincter Dam.

We built it when Reuben became

incontinent,

but it was not designed

to hold a corpse load.

I've almost got it.

Everybody, move

inside the circle.

Poncho?

What is this in your backpack?

That's Bubonic plague!

What are you doing

with that, Poncho?

Everybody, get back!

Poncho, you son of a bitch!

You released the tuberculosis

so you could steal from me?

That's right, baby.

A lot of people

would pay top dollar

to decimate the population.

I'll take the highest bidder --

Al-Qaeda, North Korea,

Republicans, Shriners, balding

men that work out,

people on the internet that are

only turned on by cartoons

of Japanese teenagers --

Anything is better than working

for you, you pompous, negligent,

iTunes-gift-card-as-a-holiday-

bonus-giving mother--

Come on!

Aah!

Get off!

You guys!

It's gonna burst! Go!

Go, go, go!

My foot is stuck.

No! It's okay!

It's okay. Just go.

Tell my family I love them.

They may be hard to find 'cause

my wife kept her last name and

she made the kids take it, too,

so, I-I don't know, you can --

No!

Let me ask you a question,

Ethan.

Where's the anger

coming from, man?

From Summer being

a total bitch!

Where's the anger

coming from?

My brother...took me fishing

once...in the bushes...

I can't...I can't...

He made me feel like a girl!

I -- he made me a girl!

He didn't make

you anything, man.

You are who you are.

She is who she is.

Now, you go to her...brand-new.

Come here, right now.

Oh, my God.

I'm so sorry, Ethan!

I love you!

I love you so much.

Um...

You did it again, cubbie.

Come here.

No! Stop! I hate this!

Well, Christmas doesn't revolve

around what you hate, son.

Well, then I hate Christmas!

Enjoy being human!

You guys are gross and lame.

My name's Reuben Ridley.

You're inside me right now, but

by the end of this journey...

Whoopsie.

I'll be inside all of you.

My story begins during

the dot-com crash

in the early '90s.

You can put your fingers

wherever you want.

Morty, you want to put it

on mute or something?

I'm -- I'm trying to

concentrate.

Uh...Rick?

Not now, Jerry.

I've got much,

much smaller fish to fry.

I wanted to say I'm sorry

I ever judged you.

Right now,

you're my sanest relative.

Relative.

R-relative size!

Jerry, hand me a scalpel

and a bundle of dynamite.

Morty, can you get

to the left nipple?

Are you kidding?

I'm hoping I can get

to both of 'em, Rick.

No, Morty, I'm talking about

Reuben's left nipple.

We need to get

to the left nipple!

The body is decaying.

The arterial transit

system is useless.

We can try the service shuttle.

It's connected to

the skeletal system.

That's why we call

it the bone train.

Would you like to ride

the bone train, Miss?

If it'll get us out of here.

How about you, Morty?

Would you like to

ride the bone train?

Why are you doing this bit?

We're gonna die! Let's go!

Well...I can see you're busy.

Merry Christmas, Rick.

There's no autopilot.

One of us will have to stay

here and operate it manually.

- Uh, well...

No, you're -- you're right.

I-It was a dick move for me

to even pause like that.

This is all my fault.

You go on.

What the hell is that?

E. Coli outbreak.

Hurry!

Wait, there is an autopilot.

Wait!

It's okay! Never mind!

I wanted to sacrifice

myself anyway!

They're -- they're chewing

through the doors!

We're in the areola, Rick --

almost to the nipple, but we're

also in a really bad situation!

I'm almost there, Morty!

Reports from all over the

country have been coming in

about what appears

to be a giant,

naked man over the

continental United States.

We now go to Tom Randolph

in New York. Tom?

Well, the eyes aren't twinkling

and the dimples aren't merry,

but I'm standing under a

nose like a 70-mile cherry.

Thank you, Tom.

Let's go now to Eric McMahan

in Los Angeles.

We've got feet here on

the West Coast, Bill --

giant feet,

even relative to the

giant man's size,

and you know what

they say about that.

Well, if the old

adage is true,

one can only wonder what's going

down in the Rocky Mountains.

Wha?

Oh my God, the track!

It's Hepatitis A!

Aaaah!

The nipple hole.

It's beautiful.

Oh, no!

Holy crap!

Whoa! It's Hepatitis C!

Um...wait --

Did we have some sort of

relationship with him?

I think they're

just like that?

I think they're

just good guys.

Oh. Huh.

Where's Dr. Bloom?

I'm sorry, Rick,

but he's dead.

God damn it, Morty.

I ask you to do one thing!

Jerry doesn't know

what he's missing.

He'll come around, Beth.

Christmas is a special time.

It has funny ways of

bringing families together.

I don't know, Jacob.

Jerry got an invitation to be

alive today, and he rejected it.

I don't know if

our marriage will...

It's raining blood!

Oh, shit. Find Jerry.

Oh, God.

Jerry!

It's all right.

The TV says there's

nothing to worry about.

The giant, naked sky

Santa has exploded.

Blood and chunks of viscera are

raining down on the country.

Everything should be fine.

Oh, yes.

Dad, can I have

my phone back?

A sure, sweetie. Here.

Everybody, take a device.

It'll help you relax.

This is nice.

Yeah.

Look, I guess we really learned

something this Christmas, Jacob.

No, we didn't, Dad.

No, we didn't.

Too bad about Dr. Bloom.

He was a genius --

the only man capable of

creating a new Anatomy Park.

Actually, I studied

Dr. Bloom's work.

I-I-I-I believe I have the

knowledge necessary to create

an entirely new,

much safer park.

What about...

Pirates of the Pancreas?

I think it was one of the

most underrated attractions.

Boo-yah!

Hold your breath.

Hey, w-w-what the hell,

Rick?!

What the hell, man! I liked her!

I really had something

going there, Rick!

Yeah, so I heard.

you dodged a bullet,

Morty -- trust me.

Puffy vagina.

W-what's wrong with that?

That doesn't sound

like a problem to me.

I don't know.

Come on,

let's get some stuffing.

I'm starving.

Oh, unbelievable.

We got -- we got a bunch of

robot, computer people,

sitting around with their faces

stuffed into computer screens.

Do you guys realize that

Christ was born today?

Jesus Christ, our savior,

was born today.

Are -- are -- are

you people even human?

What kind of

Christmas is this?

Hey, Rick? Rick, can you hear me?

Loud and clear, Annie.

Great.

We're also on with Alejandro,

our Chief Imaginarian.

Hey, Rick.

Natalie Jacobs and Chris Deseter

from Microscopic Marketing,

Zack from Organ Concepts,

and Jamie from New Media.

Hey, everybody.

Hi, how's it going? Hi, Rick.

So, Pirates of the Pancreas.

Yeah. Talk to me.

Hey, Rick.

It's Alejandro speaking.

Um, so, we asked ourselves,

internally --

we asked ourselves over here,

"Okay, what does

a pancreas do?"

and the answer was,

"Does it make pirates?"

No, it makes insulin,

you know?

So, we're starting

with a new --

Those guys are

inside me, huh?

Like, building a park?

Those guys are inside you

building a piece of shit, Ethan!

They're inside you building

a monument to compromise!

Fuck 'em.

Fuck those people.

Fuck this whole thing, Ethan.

Cool.

And who pays me?

Did you get any of that?

It's a good-a show!