Original subtitles

MICHAEL: Last time on My Wife and Kids...

Don't worry. I'll get my money back when we play on Saturday.

Oh, no. Not this Saturday.

Why not? It's my anniversary.

What've you got planned?

This year, I'm gonna surprise Jay.

(SHRIEKS) Girl! I told you Michael was gonna come through.

I just caught a glimpse of a Tiffany's box in the man's hand.

Now I'll call you back after I find it. Bye.

(EXCLAIMS)

What is going on out here?

I'm... I'm cleaning out the closet.

I need for you to go downstairs

and talk to your father and see what he's planning on Saturday evening, okay?

A fight Saturday night?

That's what he said.

Oh, there's gonna be a fight, all right.

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS)

What are you mad at?

Same thing you're mad at. Men!

What happened?

(SIGHING) I can't believe your father would forget our wedding anniversary

after all these years.

Did you ask him if he forgot?

No.

(SIGHS) Why are you playing this stupid game?

Why don't you just talk to him?

I'm not gonna talk to him!

I thought communication was the key to a good relationship.

Remember? That's what you told me.

And did you listen?

No.

How are you gonna tell me to listen to some advice

that you didn't even listen to?

But, Mom, it's your advice.

No. No. No. That was my advice to you.

This is different.

It's not different. You should just tell him.

Girl, you know what, Claire?

You have so much to learn about the art of love and marriage.

Let me explain something to you.

The whole point of an anniversary

is that the man is supposed to remember

the day the woman trapped him and celebrate it.

It's supposed to be romantic.

You know, like those De Beers diamond commercials?

You know, the one where the guy rents out the entire theater

and shows movies of their wedding?

Dad's never gonna do that.

He's just not the De Beers type of guy.

Where's the beers?

Give me this. Give... Give me this.

I just worked out, and I'm starving like Marvin

for some of that steak you're carvin'.

(CHUCKLES) All right, where's mine?

We ran out.

Well, are we gonna run out and get me some more?

You're joking?

Come on, baby, what am I gonna eat?

Spam?

Mmm-hmm. Yum, yum!

Come on, this is not even real meat.

Mmm-hmm!

Don't even think about it.

Your eyes may twinkle and your teeth may grit,

but none of this steak you're gonna get.

Yeah, well, your stomach may rumble and you may throw a fit,

but, if I want it, I'll take it 'cause I paid for it.

I guess I'll just double up on some vegetables.

Baby, can you get me some vegetables, please?

What am I, your maid now? Michael, get 'em yourself.

What's wrong with you? Isn't me eating important to you?

You know what? I guess I'd just forgotten.

You forgot? How can you forget your baby?

Sometimes you forget your baby.

Two minutes left to bid on these gloves.

Well, you better make another bid,

because somebody named Sexy Mama just outbid you.

Damn! I really want these gloves.

You know what I wanna do?

I wanna wear 'em while I watch the big fight Saturday night.

(CHUCKLES) Just like Ali.

Bid another 1,000, Dad. What's the big deal?

The big deal is I work hard for my money.

How long would it take you to make $1,000?

A thousand? What...

I get $20 a week in allowance, times six weeks a month...

No, no. (BLOWS)

Twenty dollars a week in allowance

times six weeks a month.

times 15 months in a year

carry the one over...

add the leap year...

I don't know. Like 35 years?

You know what? I'm just gonna take it out of your college fund.

You won't be needing that.

Why do you want Ali's boxing gloves anyway?

Because they're history, Junior.

(SCOFFS) I hate history. There's never nothing new.

It's stuff that been already happened.

Ain't that be somethin'?

Well, Sexy Mama, let's see you beat this.

Oh, man!

Good try, Dad.

Does this mean I still have to go to college?

Yeah. I want you to go to one of those two-year colleges.

You know, 30 months.

Yeah.

So, I got him the Muhammad Ali boxing gloves.

Girl, I had to order 'em online,

I had to outbid some jerk named Hot Chocolate.

So, what are you gonna do with him when he forgets it's your anniversary?

I'm still gonna give them to him.

My fists are just gonna be in them at that time.

I don't think it's even going to come to that, so...

Are you gonna confront him?

You know what? I came close to it last night,

'cause he was getting on my nerves.

And it almost came out of my mouth.

I got to the edge, but then I backed off.

'Cause you know what? I remembered that little blue box.

And we all know what those little blue boxes mean.

BOTH: Diamonds.

Hey. Well, well, well.

If it ain't Jake and the Fatman.

Don't listen to him.

You promised to be nice, Michael.

I'm sorry. My bad.

Look, I'm going to the driving range to hit some balls.

(SCOFFS) Need any help?

I said "hit 'em," not bust 'em.

Anyway, baby, stay out of the garage

because I'm working on a little project out there, okay?

Oh, okay. No problem. All right?

All right. I love you.

I love you, too. Bye.

Have a good time!

MICHAEL: Okay. Bye, Della.

Oh, my God! See, girl,

he probably hid my present in the garage. Did you hear that?

Okay. But how long do we wait?

Come on, now. I am not gonna go out there snooping.

My man asked me not to go out into that garage

(CAR ENGINE STARTING) and I am not the kind of woman who...

Come on, girl, let's go.

Okay, you see anything unusual?

Uh, no, girl. Everything looks the same.

Except... Uh-oh!

Uh-oh.

He painted the floor.

Well, that's a lousy present.

It's not a present, Wanda.

It's to keep us away from the present.

Look, we're already in here,

where's the one place Michael would think we would never look?

BOTH: Toolbox.

(GIGGLING)

All right.

Open it... Open. Open it!

You know what? I don't know if I wanna spoil the surprise.

Just do the surprise look.

Like I do.

(EXCLAIMING)

It works in bed, too.

Give me this.

Oh, my God.

A bag of golf tees? This isn't for me!

(DOORBELL RINGING)

(RINGING CONTINUES)

Does anybody hear the doorbell?

Am I the only one who lives in this house?

I guess you guys forgot we had a door, too.

Are you Ms. Kyle?

Yeah.

These are for you.

(GASPING) Oh, my... They're beautiful!

Thank you. Hold on, one second.

Thank you. Thank you.

(SCREAMING) Oh!

My baby!

Good morning, Mom.

Oh, Claire. Your daddy is something else.

Girl, he really had me going for a while, then he sent me these.

Oh, they're beautiful.

"To the most beautiful girl in the whole wide world."

That would be me.

He still thinks of me as his little girl.

"Sorry about the misunderstanding."

I forgive you, baby.

"I can't wait to see the smile that sets my heart ablaze."

It's this smile, right here.

"Love, Tony." Tony?

Oh, my God. They're for me.

What?

After watching all this drama with you and Dad,

I decided to take your advice and call Tony.

It turns out the girl at his game calling him her sweetie pie

was his cousin. He wasn't cheating on me. Isn't that great?

Yeah, wonderful.

(MICHAEL WHISTLING)

Good morning, baby.

Hey.

Are you all right?

I'm fine. Are you sure?

I'm fine. I'm fine. I said I'm fine. I'm fine.

You sure are fine. "Fine" describes you.

You know how fine you are? You're so fine, I need some sugar.

Come here, give me some sugar.

That there is sugar. That's sugar.

I may play 36 holes today with all that sugar.

Can't start my day. Got my diabetes acting up, all sweet over there.

That sugar.

So, what you got planned for today?

You know what, Michael? You know what I might do?

I think I'm going to have a drink with Wanda.

That's what I'm gonna do today.

That's a good idea.

You know, that's the only way I could take that woman. Drunk.

(MICHAEL LAUGHING)

Hey, don't worry about me. I'll be back late. Okay?

Yeah, whatever.

I ain't one to say that your husband ain't no good.

But your husband ain't no good.

You would think that I would get some kind of appreciation

for being the mother of his three children.

That's right. You've just ruined your figure for nothing.

I did, didn't I?

Just destroyed it!

Look at you.

Breasts all on your lap.

Hips spilling off the chair.

Stomach all swelled up like a Somalia.

You're just a shell of what you used to be, Jay.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Let me rag on me, okay?

I was just trying to be supportive.

Well, I could use a little less of your support.

I just still can't believe that this is all the thanks that I get

for everything I've done for him.

See, that's the problem. You've done too much.

All that Suzy Homemaker crap makes a man take you for granted.

And then they start wiping their feet on you like a dirty doormat,

locking you out their bedroom,

calling the police every time you drive by their house with the lights off.

I guess I've just been stupid, huh?

Oh, you've been a damn fool.

You know what? I have.

And what makes matters worse

is that I spent a small fortune just to surprise him with these.

Oh, these are the gloves.

Yeah, girl, they came today.

Ali signed 'em himself.

Oh, well, your husband certainly doesn't deserve these.

Now, let me tell you something, if it was me,

I would go home and give peanut head a piece of my mind.

You know what? You're not me.

That's my man. I'm gonna handle that. Okay?

Okay.

I'm gonna handle it right now.

Wait, wait, where are you going?

I'm gonna give peanut head a piece of my mind.

Michael Richard Kyle.

Hi, baby.

Don't you "hi, baby" me.

You thoughtless, selfish, inconsiderate excuse of a man.

After all these years, after everything that I've done for you,

this is the thanks that I get?

Have you been drinking?

Yeah, I had a drink or four.

But I can hold my liquor, Michael.

Just like I held those three babies in my belly for nine months.

Two C-sections, just for Junior's head alone.

What did I do, baby?

"What did you do?" he said.

I gotta hit him. I gotta hit him.

I'm gonna tell you what you did, Michael.

What? You forgot what today is.

The most important day of our lives!

And you went to go play golf.

Oh, that felt good.

Okay, so, so, so... So, what you're trying to say

is if a thoughtless, selfish, inconsiderate,

poor excuse for a man like me... Mmm-hmm.

...would ask you to renew our wedding vows, you'd probably say no?

No. Hell, no!

I'll be damned if I make the same mistake twice.

Even if I got down on one knee, like this here,

and I told you that these last 15 years, minus the last 10 minutes,

have been the most wonderful, incredible years of my life, you'd still say no?

I might consider it.

If I took your hand like this, here, and I looked you in your eye,

and I told you that I'd love you more than life itself,

you'd still say no?

Don't put words in my mouth, Michael.

Jay, we kind of rushed it the first time.

Remember, we were down at city hall.

You were pregnant with Junior,

your daddy had that shotgun to my back.

I want to do it right.

Janet Marie,

will you marry me tonight for our anniversary?

Yes. Yes, baby!

But I don't have anything to wear. I...

Of course you do. I took care of everything.

Just like in one of those De Beers commercials.

Oh! Sweetie.

See, I told you. I told you he was romantic.

So, baldy bean did good for once.

Girl, let's get you dressed.

(SHRIEKS)

Listen, I really want to thank you for giving up your golf game, Johnny.

The way I play, I should've given it up five years ago.

(LAUGHING) That's a joke.

Yeah.

I wanna be known as the comedy minister.

Yeah, well, maybe the Lord will help you with your punch lines.

(SINGING BACK AT ONE)

Oh, my God. Tell me that is not Brian McKnight.

That's not Brian McKnight.

Yes, it is, Junior.

Then why did you just tell me to tell you...

Shut up, boy, and get me to the altar.

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

Thank you, Brian.

(PEOPLE APPLAUDING)

We're joined together among family and friends

to rejoin Michael and Jay in holy matrimony.

Who presents this woman to this man?

I do.

You're not supposed to say "I do."

I don't? Who does? I do.

I know pronounce you father and son.

Now, both of you shut up and let me get on with my ceremony.

Michael, would you like to say something to your bride?

No, I'm cool.

Yes.

I take you, Jay, to be my wedded wife.

I promise to continue to love and cherish and honor you.

To keep and comfort you in sickness and health,

for richer, for poorer, till death do us part.

And on a personal note,

I wanna say that the sex with this woman has been amazing.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

And, Jay?

Oh, I don't... I didn't prepare anything. I didn't...

Not to worry. I took care of everything.

"Boy, am I a lucky woman.

"A very, very lucky woman. I mean, look at him, handsome,

"dashing..."

Come on, stop. Stop. This is about you, Jay.

(SIGHING) It goes on to say,

"Also, on a personal note, the sex with this man has been fabulous."

Michael...

Okay, turn it over.

All right.

"I take you, Michael, to be my wedded husband,

"I promise to continue to love, cherish and honor you.

"To keep and comfort you in sickness and in health,

"for richer or for poorer,

"till death do us part."

I'd like to add something to this note.

I'm still crazy about you after all these years.

May I have the rings?

(STUTTERS)

I should've known better.

Ha! Got you!

(LAUGHING LOUDLY)

This very expensive ring

I give you in token and pledge

of our constant faith and abiding love.

With this really, really expensive ring

I thee wed.

This ring I give you in token and in pledge

of our constant faith and abiding love.

With this ring, I thee wed.

With the power vested in me,

I now pronounce you husband and wife, again.

You may kiss the bride.

Give me some sugar.

(GIGGLING)

Hey, is that how you got Brian McKnight here?

Yep. Found out he was bidding on those gloves, too.

How did you know I was getting you the gloves?

Well, Wanda's big mouth is good for something.

Oh! That was so beautiful.

You were in on this the whole time, weren't you?

Since the beginning.

You know, you really had me fired up.

Did Michael tell you to say all those things?

No. He just told me to keep you away until 6:00.

Now, can you point me in the direction of the brown mound of sound?

He went that way.

(HUMMING)

Excuse me, sir.

Mr. McKnight would like to speak with the bride and groom.

Sorry. You can't come through.

Don't make me get ugly.

Too late.

Brian, I'd like you to meet my wife. This is Janet.

It's a pleasure to meet you. Hi!

I am so excited to meet you. Thank you so much. That song was incredible.

You are my favorite singer. That's right.

Really?

Well, more like my third favorite.

One is dead, and the other one's in a wheelchair but, you know...

I'll take it. Okay.

I can see why your husband went through all this trouble.

May I kiss the bride?

Oh, please do. After all we've been through.

(LAUGHING)

Well, I hate to do this, but I have a concert to get to.

Oh, okay. We understand.

Thank you so much. And, bye!

And please enjoy those gloves.

Oh, I will. Hey, you better.

My husband really, really wanted those.

And giving them up

was the sweetest, most unselfish thing you have ever done for me.

Mr. McKnight, we've got to go.

Hey, Mike.

Yeah.

Happy anniversary.

Wow! Oh, Brian.

Hey, thanks, Brian.

You know, you are my favorite singer.

After the dude in the wheelchair and the blind guy.

Yeah. And the other crazy one

that wears so much purple we'd think he's Barney.

And the one with the cornrows that got the pretty hips right here...

Okay, come on, let's dance.

(BACK AT ONE PLAYING)

I got my gloves!

This is so amazing!

Yes, it is.

All right, get on in there and talk to him.

(LAUGHING)

He keeps doing it.

That's right. The cable's gonna be on,

so I need you here to let the satellite dish guy in.

All right?