Original subtitles

You know, I really like playing with you.

Of course you really like playing with me.

That's because you know you can beat me.

Oh, come on. What's your handicap?

My leg.

Why you always throw the bad leg up in my face?

"Oh, I got shot in the war.

"They had to put six grooves in my hip,

"and one is shorter than the other."

Just give me my two dollars.

You would think you'd feel bad

taking money from an old man with a cane.

You'd think I would. But I don't.

(CLEARING THROAT)

Well, at least I broke 90.

Unfortunately, I was on the eighth hole at the time.

(LAUGHING)

That's a joke, son.

Oh!

(LAUGHING)

Actually, I'm just glad I didn't break my hip.

(LAUGHING)

That's not a joke.

Oh.

Don't worry. I'll get my money back when we play on Saturday.

Oh, no. Not this Saturday.

Why not? It's my anniversary.

Oh, really?

Yeah. What've you got planned?

Oh, she's gonna love this. It's my 15th.

This year I'm gonna surprise Jay.

Because I've tried in the past,

but she got the kids, you know, to spy on me and then they ruin it.

That's 'cause she got them under her control, you know.

She controls the snacks and stuff.

Like her mama. That's how her mama used to work her.

Pull out some little candy from the bra.

A piece of cupcake.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

With a lit candle in it.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Hey, it's open.

What's up, Wanda? What are you doing here?

Well, that's not a very warm greeting for an old friend who comes bearing gifts.

What? You got a big screen TV hidden in your back pocket?

No. But thank you for suggesting what could fit there.

Oh, sorry.

But what I do have is your front row ticket to the brown mound of sound.

No! Not... Mr. Brian McKnight!

(SCREAMING)

God, I love Mr. Brian!

* One, you're like a dream come true

* Two, you buckle my shoes

* Three

* You want to be with me

Girl, this is unbelievable!

Oh, girl, we're gonna make it girls' night out.

Angie, Lisa, Stephanie and Susanne are all coming. Oh.

We're gonna have drinks, appetizers and then the main course,

fillet of Brian.

(SLURPING)

Oh, no.

What?

Girl, I can't go.

What do you mean you can't go?

Saturday is our 15th wedding anniversary, Wanda.

Celebrate on Sunday.

Sunday is not our wedding anniversary.

I don't know why you keep celebrating a shotgun wedding anyway.

Okay. Maybe it wasn't the wedding of my dreams,

but at least it was with the man of my dreams.

Oh, you actually think it's gonna make a difference

to baldilocks whether you celebrate it on Saturday or Sunday?

Of course it will.

Our anniversary is very important to Michael.

And I think he has something special planned.

Oh, what makes you think that?

'Cause my baby is romantic. Let me tell you what he did five years ago.

He got us the penthouse suite at the Ritz-Carlton Hotel. The room was candlelit.

Dom Perignon on ice and rose petals all over the bed.

Ooh.

Michael is sweet and sensitive and loves his woman.

I mean, the man can't even walk into a room

without giving me a big, wet, juicy kiss.

Here he comes. Hey, baby.

What's up? What's up?

(EXCLAIMS)

Don't start with me, peanut head.

Why can't you two just get along for once?

You know what, Jay? You're right.

We do this every time we see each other, Wanda.

Can't we just, like, be friends?

Really? No.

Oh, oh, before I forget. Jay, don't make any plans Saturday.

Oh, you have something planned?

Yeah. I'm golfing with Johnny.

So, I need you to be here because Saturday night... It's on.

It is, baby?

Yeah. The cable's gonna finally be on.

And I need you here to let the satellite dish guy in. Okay?

Satellite TV on your anniversary!

That's so romantic!

No!

No. No, 'cause I know he is a clever man.

See, I know what he's trying to do.

He's trying to make me think that he's forgotten.

Mmm-hmm. I'm just gonna play along.

Okay? Hmm, okay.

(DOOR SLAMS)

What is wrong with you?

I hate men.

(SIGHING)

Well, don't go eating every time a man breaks your heart.

That's what happened to me. See this little pocket of jiggly right here.

Steven Johnson, '89. See these saddle bags right here?

That's Eugene Clark, '95.

See these? Well, my mama gave me those.

Yeah? Whatever.

That girl too skinny. I couldn't even make a decent broth out of her.

Now, you sure you won't reconsider?

Mmm. I love Brian but I love Michael more. No.

Well, the way I see it, you're gonna be stuck in this marriage forever.

But Brian is only in town for one midnight.

And if you actually think Lou Gossett

has remembered your anniversary...

He hasn't forgotten, Wanda.

God! I hope he hasn't forgotten.

MICHAEL: It's been another intense day of record-setting heat

with intense rainfall and tornadoes

which have swept through this country club

leaving these greens as bumpy as the back of Michael Clarke Duncan's head.

And it's come down to the two most handsome men in the PGA,

Michael Kyle and Tiger Woods.

And if I was a betting man, I wouldn't put my money on the big-toothed fella.

Here it is. The final putt for the million dollar Masters Championship

and that God awful green jacket.

Okay, baby, get on in there and talk to your father.

Oh, come on, Mom. You know I end up getting in trouble.

Do I have to remind you that I gave you life?

Yeah. But he can take it away from me.

Junior, go on in, please.

(SIGHS)

Hey, Dad.

What're you up to?

Nothing. I just gave away my Masters jacket. That's what I'm up to.

By the way, what're your plans for the weekend?

I'm going to "none ya."

Where's that?

None ya business.

Well, what's your plan?

I don't have any.

Good. You know what? Let me make you some plans.

I tell you what. You can plan on

washing my car and cleaning the gutters this Saturday.

Oh, Dad, I just remembered. I have to go read to some orphans.

Too late.

Okay, what did he say?

He's playing golf and I'm washing his car. Thanks a lot, Mom.

Never send a boy to do a woman's job.

Babe, are you gonna be on that computer all night?

Or you gonna come to bed with me?

I'll give you a thriller in the pillow.

Hmm. A little rumble in the jungle. Heat between the sheets.

Oh, man. Baby, what's going on here?

Hmm? You ain't crashed the car again, did you?

No, babe. I mean, come on.

Can't a girl show her beloved husband how much she appreciates him?

Sure. Oh, that feels good.

Mmm. Like that? Mmm-hmm.

It's reflexology. I'm stimulating your chakras.

This right here is your throat chakra.

This right here is your heart chakra.

Mmm-hmm.

And this right here...

Uh-oh, that's the Chakra Zulu.

You're so crazy.

You still make me laugh after all these years.

You know, babe, sometimes it just feels like yesterday we got together, doesn't it?

It sure does.

Mmm.

Mash that bunion down for me.

Babe, how long has it been?

I don't know. It's been a while

since you played with my chakra.

I'm talking about how long have we been married?

I don't know. It just feels like forever.

Oh, what chakra's that! Oww!

Hey, I made some of your favorite foods.

Whoa! What do we have here?

Hot wings. Hot tater tots. Hot damn!

And peach cobbler for dessert.

Peach... Baby, what did I do to deserve all of this?

Nothing. You just be my baby, that's all.

Just be your baby? Baby want to nurse afterwards.

(BABBLING) Just shut up. Stop.

Girl, you sure know how to spoil your man.

Mmm-hmm.

First you make my Chakra Khan. Chakra Khan. Chakra Khan.

Stupid.

And then, all of this.

Wait a minute. Wait just a doggone minute.

I know why you're being so nice to me.

What're you... I'm always nice, Michael.

No. You're so obvious.

You don't have to go through all this to get me to remember, baby.

Oh, Michael.

Yes.

When I say I'm gonna mow the lawn, I'm gonna mow the lawn.

Mom, Dad, Claire's driving me crazy and I can't take it anymore.

What's wrong now, Junior?

She broke up with her boyfriend, Tony.

Oh, thank the Lord.

But now she's playing the same sad love song over and over again.

I can't concentrate on my homework.

Oh, you got to concentrate to bring home two Ds and an F?

What about the two Cs, huh?

See, he never remembers the good stuff.

(EXCLAIMS)

Okay, come on. Let's go talk to Claire. We need to go talk to Claire.

"We"? Baby, I thought that this was one of those mother-daughter,

estrogenic type of moments, you know.

No. I think a male point of view might help. Come on.

All right, baby. I'm coming. Let's just hurry this up.

And, Junior, you touch my chicken,

I'm gonna bend your arm up like one of them wings.

* No more drama in my life

* No one's gonna make me hurt again

Claire, it's your mom and your dad.

* Hurt again

* Why'd I play the fool

* Go through ups and downs

* Knowing all the time you wouldn't be around

* Or maybe I liked the stress

* 'Cause I was young and restless

* But that was long ago

* I don't wanna cry no more

* No more pain, no more pain

* Help me

(TURNS MUSIC OFF)

Baby, we are so sorry. We just heard about your break up.

Where did you hear it? On clairecan'tkeepaman.com

I'll never walk out of this room again.

You keep eating all these goodies,

you're not gonna be able to fit out the door.

Hey, you got to watch your sugar intake.

You're already genetically predisposed to being a little thick.

That wasn't even necessary.

Baby, I'm just being honest.

Do I run around the house telling Junior

that he's genetically predisposed to looking like a brown egg?

Hello? Guys, this is about me, remember?

Oh, right. Yeah. Oh, she's right.

Okay. Talk to us. Tell us what happened.

No.

Okay. Fine. I'll be downstairs with my chicken

when you want to open up. Okay?

Great effort, Dad. You're a regular Bill Cosby.

(MIMICKING BILL COSBY) Well, would you tell me if I gave you a pudding pop?

Perhaps you get the flipped flavor--

Okay! I'll tell you if you quit doing that bad impression.

How can you call my impression bad?

I felt like I really captured when I got into the back...

(MUTTERING COSBY IMPRESSION)

Dad, shut up.

I'm... I mean, I'm really trying to express how I feel.

Okay. I'm sorry.

What happened, honey?

Tony is cheating on me.

I knew it! I could tell by his little, beady eyes.

Erica was at the one basketball game that I missed.

She said there was a beautiful girl there cheering

every time Tony made a basket.

Say what? Mmm-hmm.

That's it? That means he was cheating?

Well, isn't it obvious? The one game that my baby girl doesn't go to,

and that little rat-eyed boy is looking for someone else.

No, stop.

Baby, that's what rats do. They start to scurry.

They look around to see what they can get their little hands on,

and then they get trapped by Bill Cosby.

(MIMICKING BILL COSBY) And they start to run and try to get on the wheel.

And they're moving their feet, they're moving real fast in the rat machine.

Hey, little rat fella, I got a sweater that looks like you.

And get this. At the end of the game,

Erica asked her why she was cheering for him

and she said because Tony was her sweetie-pie.

Mmm. Mmm-mmm. Guilty as charged.

Did you talk to Tony about this?

Did you give him a chance to explain?

No. I told him it was over and I hung up.

Good for you. Here's five M&Ms for the courage.

You know what? You're really, really not helping.

Baby, you have got to communicate with Tony.

That is the secret to any good relationship.

How do you think your father and I have hung in there for so long?

Unplanned pregnancies?

Ow!

You said you wanted the male point of view.

I'm giving you the male point of view.

Go point your view back at the television. Bye-bye, Michael. Bye-bye.

Okay.

And you all really didn't like the Cosby?

(IN DEEP VOICE) Hey, hey, hey. Bye, Michael.

I'll be on my way.

Claire, honey, you cannot run around angry at somebody,

and they don't even know why. That's childish.

Relationships are built on honesty and trust.

Okay, Mom. Okay?

Now, I need you to do me a favor.

Go downstairs and spy on your father for me.

Wanda, I'm telling you. He's gonna come through. I have faith in Michael.

Yeah... Look, if you want to give the ticket away, just give it away, okay?

(DOOR OPENING)

Oh, hey, baby.

Hey, baby.

Where you going so fast?

I got to go to the bathroom.

What you got in your hand?

I told you I got to go to the bathroom, right?

(SHRIEKS) Girl! I told you Michael was gonna come through.

I just caught a glimpse of a Tiffany's box in the man's hand.

Yes. No, he ran upstairs so he could hide it, so he could surprise me.

I'll call you back after I find it. Bye.

Where is it, where is it? He always puts them in here.

No. He wouldn't put it in here.

Where, where, where?

Hey, baby. What you doing up here?

Just relaxing.

Oh. You sure look cute when you relax.

(GIGGLES)

Six, seven...

What you doing now?

Pushups.

But I thought you was relaxing.

No. I got tired of relaxing.

Well, if you're gonna do it, you got to go all the way down.

Go all the way.

Now, that's a picture. Twelve.

Yeah. It's harder, too.

I know. Yeah.

Twelve...

(PANTING)

Okay. All right.

Come on. I think he would...

Oh, man.

(EXCLAIMS)

What is going on out here?

I'm... I'm cleaning out the closet.

With what? A bomb?

Did you fall? I heard a noise.

Oh, I'm fine.

You sure? You positive?

Mmm. Yes.

Okay. Could you go make me a sandwich please, baby?

I'm starving.

Okay, Michael.

Just leave that for later.

Hey, babe.

Yes? I forgot to give you something.

You did, Michael?

Mmm-hmm. You did?

Okay. You got to close your eyes.

Okay.

You know what I'm gonna give you?

No! Do you have any idea?

I don't have a clue.

Okay. I'm gonna give you some sugar.

Sugar!

Yeah. Thanks.

Okay, baby. Now's a good time.

He's eating. He's vulnerable.

Like a gazelle at a watering hole.

Mom, you're gonna get me in trouble.

You already got Junior on carwash duty.

Your dad's not gonna punish you. You're his favorite.

After Kady. Now get in there.

Hi, Dad.

Hey, baby.

What's going on?

Nothing. And what's going on with you?

Nothing.

(LAUGHING)

What's so funny?

Oh, nothing. It was just this episode of The Flintstones.

It was the one where Fred forgot their anniversary

and Wilma hit him in the head with this big Brontosaurus bone.

Did you ever see that one?

No.

Oh, but I did see the one where Fred

had this evil twin and he was walking around going

Yabba-Dabba-Doo!

Yabba-Dabba-Doo!

Yabba-Dabba-Doo...

Yabba-Dabba-Doo. Yabba-Dabba, Yabba-Dabba-Doo...

Dad, will you shut up? Hmm?

Shut up?

This is the second time today you told me to shut up.

You know what? You're grounded Saturday, miss.

I'm grounded? That's not fair! Why am I grounded?

This is one of those great moments in parenting. Okay.

Now, I want you to look at my face

and see how happy I am as I respond to your answer.

Okay? I want you to watch this eye in particular, what it does. Okay.

Ask me again.

Why am I grounded?

Because... I said so.

You see how it rolls up like that?

Hey, hey, hey, hey. What did you find out?

I found out that I'm grounded Saturday, thanks to you.

So, you know Saturday is a special day for Daddy and me, right?

I know.

You know? What do you know?

I heard Daddy talking about stuff.

You did? Come here, baby. Come here. Sit next to Mommy. What did Daddy say?

Well, he said he was gonna have to call his friends.

I'm gonna have a party.

(LAUGHING)

I'm gonna have a party.

(EXCLAIMS) Tell me! Really? What else?

He got a driver.

I'm gonna get a limo, too?

But he said he was gonna have to stick it in the same old bag.

Oh, no. He...

He means he's playing golf. Come here. Come here.

Listen to me. I need for you to go downstairs

and talk to your father and see what he's planning on Saturday evening, okay?

Okay. I'll see what I can dig up.

That's my girl right there. Oh, Kady.

Be inconspicuous.

Okay.

All right.

Hey, baby.

Daddy, Mommy wants to know what you're planning for Saturday.

Golf.

What about Saturday night?

Saturday night? Oh! The fight is on Saturday night.

Okay.

Daddy? Hmm?

What's "inspisuous"?

Inconspicuous?

Uh-huh. It's everything you're not.

A fight Saturday night?

That's what he said.

Oh, there's gonna be a fight, all right. Thank you, Kady.

MICHAEL: Next time on My Wife and Kids...

Oh, Claire. Your daddy is something else.

Girl, he really had me going for a while, then he sent me these.

"Love, Tony." Tony?

Oh, my God. They're for me.

What?

You forgot what today is. The most important day of our lives!

And you went to go play golf.

Oh, that felt good.

Janet Marie, will you marry me tonight for our anniversary?

Yes!

(SINGING BACK AT ONE)

Oh, my God. Tell me that is not Brian McKnight.

That's not Brian McKnight.

Yes, it is, Junior.

Then why did you just tell me to tell you...

Shut up, boy, and get me to the altar.

(SIGHS)