All language subtitles for My.Wife.And.Kids.S02E27.WEBRip.x264-ION10

Hey. You want
some oatmeal?

Oh, no. Just fruit
for me, thank you.

I'm trying to slim down
for next week.

Claire, if you
slim down anymore,

you won't make it
to next week.

You're already wearing
doll clothes. What are
you talking about?

Duh! Mom, have you even
looked at the calendar?

Next week is when I take
the school pictures.

Now, I don't want
to look all bloated.

Oh! Okay, Claire. I see.
I thought it was something
serious,

like you were
starving yourself

for some silly, little,
vain teenage girl reason.

Oh, my God!

It isn't silly, Mom.

This picture goes
into the yearbook.

I don't want my friends
to look at some puffy picture
of me in 30 years

saying, "She looked
just like her mother."

Eat it or wear it,
Claire. Eat it.

Good morning, ladies.
Good morning, baby.

Good morning.
Good morning.

Daddy, do you know
what time of the year
this is?

Mmm...

Yearbook picture.
Yearbook picture.

Yearbook picture.
Yearbook picture time.

Yup.

Now, I assume you'll like the
Deluxe Proud Parent Package.

"This includes 62 lovely,
wallet-sized pictures,
12 eight-by-tens,

"and a spectacular,
48-by-72 tapestry-type
wall covering."

Wow! Is it signed?

Of course.

(LAUGHS) But, wait.

It must be too expensive
for me to afford.

You'd think so, wouldn't you?
But you'd be wrong.

(GASPS)

Well, what if
I act right now?

I'm glad you asked.

Because if you do
act right now...
Uh-huh.

...you'll not pay 500,
like those other schools.

No!

Not 400, but...
Mmm-mmm.

And remember, this comes
with that tapestry.

Uh-huh? Oh, let me
hold onto my seat.
Go ahead.

Oh, yeah.
It's only $299.95.

That's with the tapestry?

Yeah! You bet.

Wait a minute.
There's got to be a catch.

Wouldn't I be better off
with one of those

cheap-ass parent packages
that I always get?

You mean the Basic?

Yeah, basic.
I like the way
that sounds.

Tell me. What's in
the Basic, hmm?

The Basic, otherwise
known as "My Parents Don't
Care About Me" Package

includes four black and white
wallet-sized pictures,

and two eight-by-tens
for $59.95.

Sold. I'll take the Basic.

Good morning!
Oh! Whoo!

Daddy, do you know
how old I am today?

Too old to be
calling me Daddy.

You're 17. Why?

That's right.

Oh, no. Is this
what I think it is?

It sure is.

* I got my license,
I got my license

* Oh, God, please help us,
oh, God, please help us

* Don't get the Basic,
don't get the Basic *

Claire, what does
one have to do
with the other?

Nothing. But I thought
it was worth a shot.

Finally I can
drive by myself.

So, Daddy...
Hmm?

Can I drive your car
to school today?

Well, gee, Son,
I was hoping to use my car
to go to work.

Ha! Silly me!

Yeah, right.

All right. How about this?
I'll drive you to work...

Right.

...and then
I'll drive me to school...

You'll drive you
to school.

...and then I'll swing back
by your job and pick you up
around 6:00-ish?

6:00-ish?
That doesn't work for me.
How about...

Never thirty?

Quarter past get the hell
out of my face.
You ain't driving my car.

Come on, Dad.

Why?

Because I said no.

Go on. Go on. Scat.
(SIGHING)

You're not driving
my car either.

I didn't even
say anything, Mom.

I'm sorry, Son.
You want to say something
to your mother?

Yes. Okay.

Mommy.
Uh-huh.

Can I drive...
No.

Look, Junior.
You're running
late for school,

we'll talk about this
later on tonight.

Okay.

Oh, hey. Wait.
Mmm?

Do you think the bus driver
will let me drive the bus?

I don't see why not.

Just show him your license.

He's probably
tired of working.

You're right. Okay.
Okay.

Let us all pray.

(CHEERING ON TV)

(TURNS OFF TV)

Uh... Hello?

Dad, I made a list
of 73 reasons

why you should pick
the Deluxe Proud
Parent Package.

All of which I shall
present to you now.

One, we have over
46 blood relatives.

Two, you'll need
extra pictures

for your office,
business associates,
etcetera.

Three, duplicate copies
in case of fire,
flood damage or hurricane.

Four, I have
hundreds of friends.

And then they have
hundreds of friends.
And then they...

Okay. Okay.
You know what?

I'll take the
Proud Parent Package.

Excellent.
You know why?

I'm a proud parent
because you went through all
that trouble to convince me.

Now, hon,
can I have my remote?

Yes.
Thank you.

Just one more question.

Yes.

Do you think this year
I should pose
with a pout like this?

Or?

Or mysterious, like this?

Wow. That's...
Who are you?

Or my sweet half-smile,
like this?

Oh, it's such a tossup.

Here, why don't
you try this one?

This one I call
the "Dad went back
to the basic" look.

Hey, Dad.
What are you watching?
What's up, Son?

I have no idea.

It's a bunch
of Australian guys
in little shorts

with wiffle ball bats
throwing kangaroo dung
at each other.

So, I'm assuming it's
the Australian kangaroo
dung ball contest.

I don't know.

Sit down and
watch it with me.

Nah. I don't want
to bother you.

But, hey, you want me
to drive to the store and get
you some chips or something?

No, I'm fine.

How about dinner?
I'll get you some
Maine lobster.

I'll even get it
from Maine.

Junior, you're not
gonna drive my car, okay?

Just relax.

I can't, Dad.

I've had my license
for eight hours, and
I have not driven anywhere.

I understand what it's like
to first get your license.

You're excited.
You wanna drive.

Yeah. Exactly.

Yeah. Just the thought
of that open road,

just the wind
blowing in your hair.

Yeah. Exactly.

Yeah, and the excitement
and adventure of
that highway of freedom.

Yes! Yes! Yes!
So, can I go?

No.

Come on, Dad.

No.

(GRUNTS)

Listen, Junior, I'm not
gonna let you use my car
just to bump around in.

That is not fair.

Dad, I am
a great driver.

No. You're an okay driver.

A great driver has
years of experience.
Okay?

You're not gonna use
one of my brand new cars
as a guinea pig.

So, what am I
supposed to drive?

You saved $600, right?
Yeah.

I'll match it.

Really?
Yeah.

That'll give me $1,000.

Yeah. And you know what?
I'll throw in an extra 300
and make it 1,200.

Wow! Thanks, Dad.

You know, you can get
a pretty good car
for $1,200.

Yeah. I like the new
Mercedes CL 420.

So do I.

But I saw a '84 Honda Civic
that I think fits your budget.

It's not a fancy car,
but it's safe and reliable.

Cool. Let's go look at it.

No. I want you
to buy your own car.

It'll give you
a greater sense of pride.

Wow, Dad. You've never
had this much faith
in me before.

Son, I'm trying to
give you the opportunity
to prove to me

that you and I could be
partners in something.

Thanks, partner.

Okay. Now,
I want you to go there,

ask the salesmen
as many questions
as you can think of.

I want you to
kick the tires, take it
for a test drive, okay?

Okay. I'll get the car.
And I promise,
I won't let you down.

You what?

You gave
that boy money
to go buy a car

and you didn't
go with him,
Michael?

Jay, I cannot
hold that boy's hand
for the rest of his life.

He's got to
grow up sometime.

Yeah. But it's $1,200.

He might come back
on a skateboard

with a pocket full of
magic beans, baby.

Jay, he doesn't know this,
but I already
picked out the car.

I had it checked
by the mechanic,
it's got a great warranty.

And this is good
for him, okay.

'Cause it's gonna teach him
the pride of ownership.

All right.
What is this $1,200 car
you picked out for him?

It's a '84 Honda Civic.

(ENGINE RATTLING)

(KADY COUGHING)

(MICHAEL AND JAY COUGHING)

This sounds like the car
from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

Yeah, if you're spelling
"Chitty" with an "S."

Kady, go in
the house, please.

What the hell
is this thing?

Isn't she beautiful?

I hope to God
that's not my son
underneath that mask.

Yeah. What's the deal
with the mask?
Did you steal this garbage?

Nah. She's got
a tiny fuel leak.

And the salesman said that
without the mask, there's
a tendency to pass out.

And that was
acceptable
to you, huh?

Not till I got them
to throw in the mask
for free. Suckers!

(LAUGHING)

Junior, what happened
to the Honda
I told you to buy?

I saw that Honda.
And it was everything
you said it was, Dad.

But then I saw this.
And something happened.

Like she called out to me
or something.

You know what she said?
"Hey, stupid! Look at me."

The salesman said that
this car had experience.

What you bought, Junior,
is a 30-year-old
piece of garbage.

That is not true.
This is just like the car
I saw on the Snoop Dogg video.

You know, that...

What happened
to our partnership?

What happened to...
Remember this?

"Dad, thanks for
believing in me.

"Thanks for trusting me.
I'm gonna go
get that car, Dad."

I remember
everything you said.

And knowing that is
what gave me the courage

to just go for it
and buy the car
of my dreams.

Really? Well, you need to
take that same courage

and go for it
back to the dealer
and get your money back.

Because this is
unacceptable.

Now, where's
your receipt?

I don't have one.

You don't have one.
What do you mean
you don't have one?

I negotiated.
I got him to give me $100
off the sticker price,

plus the gas mask
and this asthma medicine

by not asking for a receipt.
Shrewd, huh?

Oh, you shrewd all right.
Baby, ain't he shrewd?

Oh, he got shrewd all right.

What in the...
Michael, will you
look at this?

The boy got a lawn chair
for a front seat, Michael.

That's cool.
Isn't it, Mom,
the seat?

This is what I do.
I drive it and lean
all the way back.

You're not driving
this piece of crap.

Mom, this is not
a piece of crap.

She's unique.
She has character.

She may have character,
but she doesn't have
a front seat.

Which means, boy,
that she doesn't
have a seat belt!

Oh, sure she does. See?

I just take this rope,
tie it around my waist twice,

and then hook it
onto the door handle.
Just like the guy showed me.

Yeah. He probably
threw that rope in
free, huh?

Yeah. How'd you know?

Because you negotiated.
Exactly! Yeah.

I'm about to have a stroke.
I'm about to have a stroke.

Be a father.
Be a father.

Come on. See, Mom.
I have a vision for this car.

I'm gonna put a crazy
sound system in it.

I'm gonna
lower the back.

Put some
chrome wheels on her,

pin stripe the side
and tint the windows.

(LAUGHING) Ooh!

You gonna tint
the windows?

Yeah. All he gotta do
is start it up.
It'll tint the whole house.

The whole house
get tinted.

You're making jokes
while your son bought
a death machine.

Don't worry, Mom,
I'll fix it.

You're damn right
you're gonna fix it.

Because this car is not
leaving this garage

until it has
the Michael Kyle
seal of approval.

That's not fair.

No. What's not fair is
you peed away my money.

Mom?
What now, Claire?

What happened
to your face, baby?

My jaw is killing me.

I'm gonna take her inside.
I think her wisdom teeth
are coming in.

Yeah. Too bad
yours never showed up.

Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Look at my face!

Oh, God, Claire!
What happened
to your face?

I took a nap
and I woke up like this.

Wow! Somebody better
call Hootie and tell him
he missing a blowfish.

It's not funny, Dad.
Tomorrow's picture day.

You know what, baby?
I think you have an abscess.
I better call your dentist.

Forget a dentist.

I can't be seen like this!
Claire...

It's okay. You can still
take your pictures, baby.

All you got to do, right,
is you just comb your hair
over to this side,

and then pull it across
and do the mysterious look.
Look at that.

Who is that girl?

* Who's that girl?

Mom!
Michael, cut it out.

I'm sorry.
I'm just trying to
make her laugh.

Baby, you just
get a root canal.

And you'll be fine
in two days.

Does it hurt?

No, they give you painkillers.
You'll sail right through it.

(SIGHING)
What about my pictures?

This is awful.

Listen.
Be optimistic, okay?

Don't look at the glass
as half empty,

just look at your face
as half full.

(CRYING)

How you feeling, baby?

I feel really good.

Did you take those painkillers
the dentist gave you?

(LAUGHING) Yeah.

(LAUGHING)

Michael, I don't think
she should be
going to school today.

Why not?

Look at her, Michael,
she's high, she's loopy,
she's spacey.

She's Claire.

Claire?

Sweetheart, I don't think
you should be going to school.

And miss the photo shoot?

I still look good
on this side. See.

And you're not in any pain?

Oh, I feel really, really...

(LAUGHING)

I think she was
gonna say "good."

That's not funny, Michael.

Yeah, it's funny.
You telling me
that this ain't...

(MUMBLING)

(LAUGHING)

That's funny.

No, it's not funny.

I just don't know comedy.

Good.

Junior?

JUNIOR: Hey, Dad, hand me
the torque wrench.

MICHAEL: That's the
torque wrench, right?

Yes.

There.

(SIGHS)

Whoa!

What were you doing
under there?

Oh, I just fixed
the oil leak so it won't drip
on the engine block anymore.

That'll stop the car
from smoking.

Next, I'm gonna
handle the fuel leak.

And when I get done,

Lois is gonna be
the best-looking and
running car in Connecticut.

Why you call her Lois?

It's the lowest
priced car in the lot?

Look, Dad.

I know you probably
came out here
to curse me out.

Yes, I did.

Because I didn't do
what you told me to do.

No, you didn't.

And for that
I apologize.

And I know this car
isn't gonna get your seal
of approval for a long time,

but I'm willing to wait.

'Cause when I do
roll out of this garage,
heads will turn.

Yeah. Because
it'll be backfiring.

Okay. Make your jokes.

'Cause he who laughs first
laughs last laughs last.

No. "It's he who laughs last
laughs first laughs last."

You gonna say it wrong,
say it wrong.

You really love
this old, rusted
buckets of nuts, huh?

More than you know, Dad.

I mean, Lois
just called out to me.

And I'm not used to
girls calling out to me.

So, on those rare occasions
when they do, I listen.

Hmm.

I mean,
don't you remember
your first car?

Yeah, I do.
Her name was Trudy.

It was a bright
yellow Audi 5000.

All the doors
were rusted shut

so I had to climb in
and out of it like
the Dukes of Hazard.

That sounds great.

Yeah. Your mother
didn't think so.

Especially when she was
pregnant with you.

She hated
climbing in and out.

She said that's where
the hook came from
on your head.

Look, Junior, I'm not mad
because you bought this car.

It comes down
to principles, Son.

You and I were supposed
to be partners. Right?

And in life, in love,
and in business,

you must always be
an honorable partner.

Let your yes mean yes
and your no mean no.

Can we still be partners?

I'm your father.
I'm your partner for life.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Hey.
Hey, Mom.

What are you doing?

I'm trying to figure out
how my pictures
are gonna turn out.

And?

It's hard to say.
They could be beautiful,

or just horrible.

I don't really remember
'cause I was
on those painkillers.

All right. Let me show you
something for a second.

Oh, God.

Look, I got this.

Who's he?

He is your mother.

This is my yearbook
picture, Claire.

Oh, my God.
What was up
with your hair?

What? That was fresh
back in the day.

I don't know what
you talking about.

Little Jheri curl
dreadlock
cocked thing happening.

Mom.
What?

This is a bad picture.

Yeah. Yeah, it is.

But at that time
I thought
it was a good one.

You see,
your perception of yourself
changes as you get older.

You mean that I could
actually look back one day
and think that I'm ugly?

It's possible.

You know what, Claire?
Baby, don't take this
the wrong way,

but you're so vain.

No, I'm not.

Claire, then why are you
looking in the mirror
instead of looking at me?

I don't know.
Habit, I guess.

Well, can you
tear yourself away
for one second?

It's tough.
Try.

Wow! You changed your hair.
When did you do that?

Two months ago, Claire.

It looks good.

I wonder if I'd
look good like that.

See, baby!

You're doing it
again.

You're so
self-centered.

Whenever anyone
says anything you
take it back to you.

- I do do that don't I?
- You're doing it right now.

- I am, aren't I?
- Stop it.

- I should, shouldn't I?
- Now!

How can I?

Okay, think of
another person

just for one second.

- Okay.
- Okay.

- Tony...
- Good!

...thinks
I'm really cute.

Give me my yearbook.

I give up.
No...

Wait. Wait a minute, Mom.

It's just I'm afraid
I don't have a whole lot of
other stuff going on for me.

Yes, you do.

But you're never
gonna discover it

if you're always
looking in mirrors.

And in store windows
and in shiny spoons.

You know what? I used to
think you were making
good eye contact with me,

but you're really looking
at your own reflection
in my eyeballs, aren't you?

Yeah.

Yeah. That's exactly
what I thought.

You know what
I want to know, Claire?

I wanna know
what's in here.

But what if there's
nothing in there?

You'll never know
until you look.

And you can't look in there
if you're always looking
in there.

All right?

She's right, you know.

Boy, this sure
brings back memories
of old Trudy.

They don't build 'em
like this anymore.

Yeah. I'm gonna put her back
in the original condition.

Except for the hydraulics.

And I'm gonna put in
a little steering wheel
the size of a door knob,

and a loud system
you could hear
from two blocks away.

Yeah. And where are you
getting all this money from?

I'm gonna work, Dad.

Mow lawns,
bag groceries.
Whatever it takes.

Boy, I should have
got you this car
two years ago.

Okay. Where is it?

Where's what?

My pictures.
The swollen-faced,
drugged-up pictures.

Oh, I think
that's them up there
near the cabinet.

Where's the tapestry?

I don't know.
I didn't see it. I didn't
even look at them.

Of course you did.

Why would you say that?

Because they're ugly.

And you can't
pass up an opportunity
to humiliate me.

Baby, if you
don't believe me,
count them.

I'm not going to count them.
I'm going to burn them.

They're yours.
Do what you want to do.

(LAUGHING)

Where is it?

What?

I know you've got
one of the pictures.

(LAUGHS)

Why does everybody
think I'm like
the big, green ogre?

Because you are.

Son, you're wrong.

You know what?
We're done here.

Let's get something
to eat, all right?

Just close the garage
and cut the lights out.

Oh, my God.

It's principle, Jay.

Why couldn't the boy
get the Honda?

I told him,
"Get the Honda."

He was supposed
to get the Honda.

And you should've...

And you shouldn't
have sent him.

Why couldn't he
get the Honda?

I told the boy,
"Get the Honda.

"Go get the Honda, Junior.
Junior get the Honda."

And you shouldn't have
sent him to
go get the Honda.

No, he didn't.
And you didn't.

So, now, you should go
talk to him and stop him.

See who I'm married to?