Original subtitles

Hey. You want some oatmeal?

Oh, no. Just fruit for me, thank you.

I'm trying to slim down for next week.

Claire, if you slim down anymore,

you won't make it to next week.

You're already wearing doll clothes. What are you talking about?

Duh! Mom, have you even looked at the calendar?

Next week is when I take the school pictures.

Now, I don't want to look all bloated.

Oh! Okay, Claire. I see. I thought it was something serious,

like you were starving yourself

for some silly, little, vain teenage girl reason.

Oh, my God!

It isn't silly, Mom.

This picture goes into the yearbook.

I don't want my friends to look at some puffy picture of me in 30 years

saying, "She looked just like her mother."

Eat it or wear it, Claire. Eat it.

Good morning, ladies. Good morning, baby.

Good morning. Good morning.

Daddy, do you know what time of the year this is?

Mmm...

Yearbook picture. Yearbook picture.

Yearbook picture. Yearbook picture time.

Yup.

Now, I assume you'll like the Deluxe Proud Parent Package.

"This includes 62 lovely, wallet-sized pictures, 12 eight-by-tens,

"and a spectacular, 48-by-72 tapestry-type wall covering."

Wow! Is it signed?

Of course.

(LAUGHS) But, wait.

It must be too expensive for me to afford.

You'd think so, wouldn't you? But you'd be wrong.

(GASPS)

Well, what if I act right now?

I'm glad you asked.

Because if you do act right now... Uh-huh.

...you'll not pay 500, like those other schools.

No!

Not 400, but... Mmm-mmm.

And remember, this comes with that tapestry.

Uh-huh? Oh, let me hold onto my seat. Go ahead.

Oh, yeah. It's only $299.95.

That's with the tapestry?

Yeah! You bet.

Wait a minute. There's got to be a catch.

Wouldn't I be better off with one of those

cheap-ass parent packages that I always get?

You mean the Basic?

Yeah, basic. I like the way that sounds.

Tell me. What's in the Basic, hmm?

The Basic, otherwise known as "My Parents Don't Care About Me" Package

includes four black and white wallet-sized pictures,

and two eight-by-tens for $59.95.

Sold. I'll take the Basic.

Good morning! Oh! Whoo!

Daddy, do you know how old I am today?

Too old to be calling me Daddy.

You're 17. Why?

That's right.

Oh, no. Is this what I think it is?

It sure is.

* I got my license, I got my license

* Oh, God, please help us, oh, God, please help us

* Don't get the Basic, don't get the Basic *

Claire, what does one have to do with the other?

Nothing. But I thought it was worth a shot.

Finally I can drive by myself.

So, Daddy... Hmm?

Can I drive your car to school today?

Well, gee, Son, I was hoping to use my car to go to work.

Ha! Silly me!

Yeah, right.

All right. How about this? I'll drive you to work...

Right.

...and then I'll drive me to school...

You'll drive you to school.

...and then I'll swing back by your job and pick you up around 6:00-ish?

6:00-ish? That doesn't work for me. How about...

Never thirty?

Quarter past get the hell out of my face. You ain't driving my car.

Come on, Dad.

Why?

Because I said no.

Go on. Go on. Scat. (SIGHING)

You're not driving my car either.

I didn't even say anything, Mom.

I'm sorry, Son. You want to say something to your mother?

Yes. Okay.

Mommy. Uh-huh.

Can I drive... No.

Look, Junior. You're running late for school,

we'll talk about this later on tonight.

Okay.

Oh, hey. Wait. Mmm?

Do you think the bus driver will let me drive the bus?

I don't see why not.

Just show him your license.

He's probably tired of working.

You're right. Okay. Okay.

Let us all pray.

(CHEERING ON TV)

(TURNS OFF TV)

Uh... Hello?

Dad, I made a list of 73 reasons

why you should pick the Deluxe Proud Parent Package.

All of which I shall present to you now.

One, we have over 46 blood relatives.

Two, you'll need extra pictures

for your office, business associates, etcetera.

Three, duplicate copies in case of fire, flood damage or hurricane.

Four, I have hundreds of friends.

And then they have hundreds of friends. And then they...

Okay. Okay. You know what?

I'll take the Proud Parent Package.

Excellent. You know why?

I'm a proud parent because you went through all that trouble to convince me.

Now, hon, can I have my remote?

Yes. Thank you.

Just one more question.

Yes.

Do you think this year I should pose with a pout like this?

Or?

Or mysterious, like this?

Wow. That's... Who are you?

Or my sweet half-smile, like this?

Oh, it's such a tossup.

Here, why don't you try this one?

This one I call the "Dad went back to the basic" look.

Hey, Dad. What are you watching? What's up, Son?

I have no idea.

It's a bunch of Australian guys in little shorts

with wiffle ball bats throwing kangaroo dung at each other.

So, I'm assuming it's the Australian kangaroo dung ball contest.

I don't know.

Sit down and watch it with me.

Nah. I don't want to bother you.

But, hey, you want me to drive to the store and get you some chips or something?

No, I'm fine.

How about dinner? I'll get you some Maine lobster.

I'll even get it from Maine.

Junior, you're not gonna drive my car, okay?

Just relax.

I can't, Dad.

I've had my license for eight hours, and I have not driven anywhere.

I understand what it's like to first get your license.

You're excited. You wanna drive.

Yeah. Exactly.

Yeah. Just the thought of that open road,

just the wind blowing in your hair.

Yeah. Exactly.

Yeah, and the excitement and adventure of that highway of freedom.

Yes! Yes! Yes! So, can I go?

No.

Come on, Dad.

No.

(GRUNTS)

Listen, Junior, I'm not gonna let you use my car just to bump around in.

That is not fair.

Dad, I am a great driver.

No. You're an okay driver.

A great driver has years of experience. Okay?

You're not gonna use one of my brand new cars as a guinea pig.

So, what am I supposed to drive?

You saved $600, right? Yeah.

I'll match it.

Really? Yeah.

That'll give me $1,000.

Yeah. And you know what? I'll throw in an extra 300 and make it 1,200.

Wow! Thanks, Dad.

You know, you can get a pretty good car for $1,200.

Yeah. I like the new Mercedes CL 420.

So do I.

But I saw a '84 Honda Civic that I think fits your budget.

It's not a fancy car, but it's safe and reliable.

Cool. Let's go look at it.

No. I want you to buy your own car.

It'll give you a greater sense of pride.

Wow, Dad. You've never had this much faith in me before.

Son, I'm trying to give you the opportunity to prove to me

that you and I could be partners in something.

Thanks, partner.

Okay. Now, I want you to go there,

ask the salesmen as many questions as you can think of.

I want you to kick the tires, take it for a test drive, okay?

Okay. I'll get the car. And I promise, I won't let you down.

You what?

You gave that boy money to go buy a car

and you didn't go with him, Michael?

Jay, I cannot hold that boy's hand for the rest of his life.

He's got to grow up sometime.

Yeah. But it's $1,200.

He might come back on a skateboard

with a pocket full of magic beans, baby.

Jay, he doesn't know this, but I already picked out the car.

I had it checked by the mechanic, it's got a great warranty.

And this is good for him, okay.

'Cause it's gonna teach him the pride of ownership.

All right. What is this $1,200 car you picked out for him?

It's a '84 Honda Civic.

(ENGINE RATTLING)

(KADY COUGHING)

(MICHAEL AND JAY COUGHING)

This sounds like the car from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

Yeah, if you're spelling "Chitty" with an "S."

Kady, go in the house, please.

What the hell is this thing?

Isn't she beautiful?

I hope to God that's not my son underneath that mask.

Yeah. What's the deal with the mask? Did you steal this garbage?

Nah. She's got a tiny fuel leak.

And the salesman said that without the mask, there's a tendency to pass out.

And that was acceptable to you, huh?

Not till I got them to throw in the mask for free. Suckers!

(LAUGHING)

Junior, what happened to the Honda I told you to buy?

I saw that Honda. And it was everything you said it was, Dad.

But then I saw this. And something happened.

Like she called out to me or something.

You know what she said? "Hey, stupid! Look at me."

The salesman said that this car had experience.

What you bought, Junior, is a 30-year-old piece of garbage.

That is not true. This is just like the car I saw on the Snoop Dogg video.

You know, that...

What happened to our partnership?

What happened to... Remember this?

"Dad, thanks for believing in me.

"Thanks for trusting me. I'm gonna go get that car, Dad."

I remember everything you said.

And knowing that is what gave me the courage

to just go for it and buy the car of my dreams.

Really? Well, you need to take that same courage

and go for it back to the dealer and get your money back.

Because this is unacceptable.

Now, where's your receipt?

I don't have one.

You don't have one. What do you mean you don't have one?

I negotiated. I got him to give me $100 off the sticker price,

plus the gas mask and this asthma medicine

by not asking for a receipt. Shrewd, huh?

Oh, you shrewd all right. Baby, ain't he shrewd?

Oh, he got shrewd all right.

What in the... Michael, will you look at this?

The boy got a lawn chair for a front seat, Michael.

That's cool. Isn't it, Mom, the seat?

This is what I do. I drive it and lean all the way back.

You're not driving this piece of crap.

Mom, this is not a piece of crap.

She's unique. She has character.

She may have character, but she doesn't have a front seat.

Which means, boy, that she doesn't have a seat belt!

Oh, sure she does. See?

I just take this rope, tie it around my waist twice,

and then hook it onto the door handle. Just like the guy showed me.

Yeah. He probably threw that rope in free, huh?

Yeah. How'd you know?

Because you negotiated. Exactly! Yeah.

I'm about to have a stroke. I'm about to have a stroke.

Be a father. Be a father.

Come on. See, Mom. I have a vision for this car.

I'm gonna put a crazy sound system in it.

I'm gonna lower the back.

Put some chrome wheels on her,

pin stripe the side and tint the windows.

(LAUGHING) Ooh!

You gonna tint the windows?

Yeah. All he gotta do is start it up. It'll tint the whole house.

The whole house get tinted.

You're making jokes while your son bought a death machine.

Don't worry, Mom, I'll fix it.

You're damn right you're gonna fix it.

Because this car is not leaving this garage

until it has the Michael Kyle seal of approval.

That's not fair.

No. What's not fair is you peed away my money.

Mom? What now, Claire?

What happened to your face, baby?

My jaw is killing me.

I'm gonna take her inside. I think her wisdom teeth are coming in.

Yeah. Too bad yours never showed up.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Look at my face!

Oh, God, Claire! What happened to your face?

I took a nap and I woke up like this.

Wow! Somebody better call Hootie and tell him he missing a blowfish.

It's not funny, Dad. Tomorrow's picture day.

You know what, baby? I think you have an abscess. I better call your dentist.

Forget a dentist.

I can't be seen like this! Claire...

It's okay. You can still take your pictures, baby.

All you got to do, right, is you just comb your hair over to this side,

and then pull it across and do the mysterious look. Look at that.

Who is that girl?

* Who's that girl?

Mom! Michael, cut it out.

I'm sorry. I'm just trying to make her laugh.

Baby, you just get a root canal.

And you'll be fine in two days.

Does it hurt?

No, they give you painkillers. You'll sail right through it.

(SIGHING) What about my pictures?

This is awful.

Listen. Be optimistic, okay?

Don't look at the glass as half empty,

just look at your face as half full.

(CRYING)

How you feeling, baby?

I feel really good.

Did you take those painkillers the dentist gave you?

(LAUGHING) Yeah.

(LAUGHING)

Michael, I don't think she should be going to school today.

Why not?

Look at her, Michael, she's high, she's loopy, she's spacey.

She's Claire.

Claire?

Sweetheart, I don't think you should be going to school.

And miss the photo shoot?

I still look good on this side. See.

And you're not in any pain?

Oh, I feel really, really...

(LAUGHING)

I think she was gonna say "good."

That's not funny, Michael.

Yeah, it's funny. You telling me that this ain't...

(MUMBLING)

(LAUGHING)

That's funny.

No, it's not funny.

I just don't know comedy.

Good.

Junior?

JUNIOR: Hey, Dad, hand me the torque wrench.

MICHAEL: That's the torque wrench, right?

Yes.

There.

(SIGHS)

Whoa!

What were you doing under there?

Oh, I just fixed the oil leak so it won't drip on the engine block anymore.

That'll stop the car from smoking.

Next, I'm gonna handle the fuel leak.

And when I get done,

Lois is gonna be the best-looking and running car in Connecticut.

Why you call her Lois?

It's the lowest priced car in the lot?

Look, Dad.

I know you probably came out here to curse me out.

Yes, I did.

Because I didn't do what you told me to do.

No, you didn't.

And for that I apologize.

And I know this car isn't gonna get your seal of approval for a long time,

but I'm willing to wait.

'Cause when I do roll out of this garage, heads will turn.

Yeah. Because it'll be backfiring.

Okay. Make your jokes.

'Cause he who laughs first laughs last laughs last.

No. "It's he who laughs last laughs first laughs last."

You gonna say it wrong, say it wrong.

You really love this old, rusted buckets of nuts, huh?

More than you know, Dad.

I mean, Lois just called out to me.

And I'm not used to girls calling out to me.

So, on those rare occasions when they do, I listen.

Hmm.

I mean, don't you remember your first car?

Yeah, I do. Her name was Trudy.

It was a bright yellow Audi 5000.

All the doors were rusted shut

so I had to climb in and out of it like the Dukes of Hazard.

That sounds great.

Yeah. Your mother didn't think so.

Especially when she was pregnant with you.

She hated climbing in and out.

She said that's where the hook came from on your head.

Look, Junior, I'm not mad because you bought this car.

It comes down to principles, Son.

You and I were supposed to be partners. Right?

And in life, in love, and in business,

you must always be an honorable partner.

Let your yes mean yes and your no mean no.

Can we still be partners?

I'm your father. I'm your partner for life.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Hey. Hey, Mom.

What are you doing?

I'm trying to figure out how my pictures are gonna turn out.

And?

It's hard to say. They could be beautiful,

or just horrible.

I don't really remember 'cause I was on those painkillers.

All right. Let me show you something for a second.

Oh, God.

Look, I got this.

Who's he?

He is your mother.

This is my yearbook picture, Claire.

Oh, my God. What was up with your hair?

What? That was fresh back in the day.

I don't know what you talking about.

Little Jheri curl dreadlock cocked thing happening.

Mom. What?

This is a bad picture.

Yeah. Yeah, it is.

But at that time I thought it was a good one.

You see, your perception of yourself changes as you get older.

You mean that I could actually look back one day and think that I'm ugly?

It's possible.

You know what, Claire? Baby, don't take this the wrong way,

but you're so vain.

No, I'm not.

Claire, then why are you looking in the mirror instead of looking at me?

I don't know. Habit, I guess.

Well, can you tear yourself away for one second?

It's tough. Try.

Wow! You changed your hair. When did you do that?

Two months ago, Claire.

It looks good.

I wonder if I'd look good like that.

See, baby!

You're doing it again.

You're so self-centered.

Whenever anyone says anything you take it back to you.

- I do do that don't I? - You're doing it right now.

- I am, aren't I? - Stop it.

- I should, shouldn't I? - Now!

How can I?

Okay, think of another person

just for one second.

- Okay. - Okay.

- Tony... - Good!

...thinks I'm really cute.

Give me my yearbook.

I give up. No...

Wait. Wait a minute, Mom.

It's just I'm afraid I don't have a whole lot of other stuff going on for me.

Yes, you do.

But you're never gonna discover it

if you're always looking in mirrors.

And in store windows and in shiny spoons.

You know what? I used to think you were making good eye contact with me,

but you're really looking at your own reflection in my eyeballs, aren't you?

Yeah.

Yeah. That's exactly what I thought.

You know what I want to know, Claire?

I wanna know what's in here.

But what if there's nothing in there?

You'll never know until you look.

And you can't look in there if you're always looking in there.

All right?

She's right, you know.

Boy, this sure brings back memories of old Trudy.

They don't build 'em like this anymore.

Yeah. I'm gonna put her back in the original condition.

Except for the hydraulics.

And I'm gonna put in a little steering wheel the size of a door knob,

and a loud system you could hear from two blocks away.

Yeah. And where are you getting all this money from?

I'm gonna work, Dad.

Mow lawns, bag groceries. Whatever it takes.

Boy, I should have got you this car two years ago.

Okay. Where is it?

Where's what?

My pictures. The swollen-faced, drugged-up pictures.

Oh, I think that's them up there near the cabinet.

Where's the tapestry?

I don't know. I didn't see it. I didn't even look at them.

Of course you did.

Why would you say that?

Because they're ugly.

And you can't pass up an opportunity to humiliate me.

Baby, if you don't believe me, count them.

I'm not going to count them. I'm going to burn them.

They're yours. Do what you want to do.

(LAUGHING)

Where is it?

What?

I know you've got one of the pictures.

(LAUGHS)

Why does everybody think I'm like the big, green ogre?

Because you are.

Son, you're wrong.

You know what? We're done here.

Let's get something to eat, all right?

Just close the garage and cut the lights out.

Oh, my God.

It's principle, Jay.

Why couldn't the boy get the Honda?

I told him, "Get the Honda."

He was supposed to get the Honda.

And you should've...

And you shouldn't have sent him.

Why couldn't he get the Honda?

I told the boy, "Get the Honda.

"Go get the Honda, Junior. Junior get the Honda."

And you shouldn't have sent him to go get the Honda.

No, he didn't. And you didn't.

So, now, you should go talk to him and stop him.

See who I'm married to?