Original subtitles

Hey, this isn´t Disneyland.

MICHAEL: Sure it is, we just came through the back way,

this is Bowling Alley Land.

Where´s Mickey?

Um, that´s Mickey right there.

He´s just going to put his make-up on.

Oh, my God, we came on Space Alien Night?

This place is filled with mutants and Trekkies.

Don´t be redundant.

You can´t fool me, this is a bowling alley

and I don´t know how to bowl.

Yeah, well, you didn´t know how to rollerblade either,

but that didn´t stop you, did it, hop-along?

Look, baby, me and you, we´re gonna watch the fight.

We´ll just eat some popcorn and candy while your mother and them bowl.

Oh, no, no, no, no. No? There´s no way?

We came here to bowl as a family.

Now, we would all rather be with other people right now,

but it´s family time so we´re stuck with one another.

Fine, I´ll bowl between rounds.

Hey, would you stop with the gang signs?

Dad, it´s just a Vulcan salute.

The worst this guy can do is shut down your computer.

I´m gonna go check out the rest of the costumes.

You are the Romulan queen. What?

I know you´re in disguise.

I vow allegiance to you from now until pon farr.

Daddy, help me. Hey, hey, what is the problem?

Hey, where did you get your ears? Those points are perfect.

Hey, look, Captain Jerk, beam yourself out of here.

It´s admiral.

Look, Jay, this is a freak show. We don´t belong here.

Only an idiot would want to be here on this night.

(CHUCKLING) I am so glad we came here.

And on alien night, too.

It doesn´t get any better than this.

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

Excuse me, fella.

Did you see this, Jay? What?

The man looks me right in the eye and then he gives me the finger.

Michael, will you please relax?

He didn´t give you the finger, he gave you a finger.

Excuse me, sir.

One second, man.

No one second.

(PHONE LINE DRONING)

Hey, I wasn´t done with my call.

Yes, you are. We´re paying customers.

We don´t have time to listen to you make personal calls.

Don´t appreciate being brushed aside

by some lazy employee that don´t even stand up to greet us.

You know what? And I´m not going to let you or anybody else

disrespect me and my family.

As a matter of fact, we´re not bowling here, huh? How do you like that?

We´re not gonna bowl here,

much to my disappointment, you know, ´cause I really wanted to bowl.

We´re going home. Come on, kids...

Not gonna fly. Not gonna fly?

No, not gonna fly. We need some shoes.

JAY: Yeah, exactly.

I´m sure that this young man has a very good excuse

why he couldn´t wait on you, Michael.

(SCOFFS) Good excuse, I´d like to hear this good excuse, go ahead.

What´s the good excuse, pal?

My wheelchair broke.

And that´s the only time I can get in touch with the manufacturer.

I´m sorry about the whole standing up thing, I didn´t know.

But look on the bright side, bet you probably got the best parking space in here.

Kids, can you just... Mmm-mmm.

Can you just please tell the man your shoe size

so he can get on with his business?

Ten. Eight.

I don´t need any shoes.

And why not?

I sprained my ankle.

Boo-hoo-hoo.

Sir, I would like to have a pair of eights, please.

Eights?

All right, nines, I´d like to have nines.

Nine? Give me the nine and a half.

(SCOFFS) Big feet.

Come on, let´s go.

And what can I get you, sir?

I need some 12s.

I´m sorry, 12s go quickly on alien night. That´s Han Solo´s size.

But we have plenty of sevens.

Come on, I can´t wear size six with a four inch lift.

You don´t have anything closer to a 12?

I´ll take a 13 or an eleven and a half or something.

Uh... Well, oh, we got these. Wookies.

That´s a clown shoe, you gotta be kidding.

I´m returning these 12s.

You´re in luck.

Oh, what? No, no, no. These things are sweaty and they stink.

Yeah, I´ve been sweating a lot lately.

I picked up something on a goat farm in Bali.

What, a goat?

Enjoy your game, brother.

Look, those are 12s, right up there!

No, no. Those are reserved for the VIBs.

Who´s a VIB?

The Very Important Bowlers.

Okay, fine, I´ll take the 17s.

JAY: Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.

(WHOOPING) Yes, a strike!

(EXCLAIMING)

Yeah, Mom!

Yes! Yes, come on, baby, your turn.

(WHOOPING)

Michael. Huh?

You´re not even trying.

Yeah, I am. You´re just beating me, that´s all.

You´re good. You´re good, baby, good. JAY: No, no.

All you´re paying attention to is that stupid fight.

It´s all you care about.

These are preliminaries. I don´t care about this stupid fight.

Who the hell turned off my TV?

Hey, Ironside, who touched the television?

I did.

Well, well, well, Stuart Tyler. Oh!

Proctologist extraordinaire. Mr. Stink Finger.

Look, Helen, it´s the Kyles.

You remember them from that dreadful evening

we had to spend at Tokahana, thanks to you.

Oh, you mean my birthday?

Whatever.

Hi, how are you?

I´m fine, how are you?

Well, actually, I was home in bed with a 103 fever earlier,

but Stuart here thought I ought to try to sweat it out.

Look, Kyle, it so happens that

organized games with rules are the linchpin of a strong family unit.

That´s why I´d like to watch some organized boxing.

How about, no?

And how about, what´s the big deal?

Well, you may let your kids run amok,

but I refuse to have my children exposed to that level of violence.

Oh, I´d like to see the fight, Dad.

Will you shut your mouth? (WHIMPERS)

Hey, Ironside, why is that he controls the TV?

Oh, he´s a VIB, man.

Well, how do I become a VIB?

Oh, man, it´s simple. All you got...

(CRASHING)

Are those two pairs of 12s you have?

My normal two pair, yes.

And why do you need two pairs?

I like to freshen my feet every five frames.

You have a problem with that?

Yeah, I have a problem with everything about you.

From your beady, little eyes to your sweaty, little feet.

I was born with an extra sweat gland on the balls of my feet,

but thank you for telling the world.

Why don´t you tell everyone that I have a dropped testi?

He´s got a dropped testi!

(GRUNTS)

This is so embarrassing, they´re drawing attention to us.

I know and all the mutants are watching us.

Why don´t you take a picture? It lasts longer.

Oh, my God.

How old do you think she is?

I asked her, she´s 15.

You think I have a chance?

You´ve got nothing to lose.

Well, you´ve got one thing but you haven´t lost it yet.

So I´m sure you´re not gonna lose it tonight.

Let me see your best shot.

So, you come here often?

No.

(SIGHS)

Michael, are you going to be able to enjoy yourself with these people here?

No, let´s get... No, no, no, no. Let me rephrase that.

Michael, you are going to be able to enjoy yourself with these people here, okay?

I mean, I would if they could turn the fight back on,

but I don´t want to sit here and look at the patches of hair on his head.

I don´t want any trouble between you and this man tonight, okay?

Trust me.

Hey, Tyler. What?

What do you say we make this interesting?

Are you swingers, too?

Oh! Oh, God! No.

I´m talking about bowling.

Oh, bowling. Well, what do you have in mind?

My family against your family, one game.

We win, you turn the fight back on.

What´s in it for me?

You win, I´ll pay for your bowling.

And I´ll have that gland in your foot fixed.

I´ve learned to live with it but you´ve got yourself a wager.

No, this is more than just a bowling game, okay?

The Kyle family honor is on the line.

Michael, it is not that serious.

Come on, Jay, what happened to my competitive wife?

Um, I left all that behind when I left Wall Street,

sooner or later you got to grow up and be an adult.

Good luck. Bite me.

Dad, you know I stink at bowling, don´t you?

No, you don´t stink, you just need a little incentive.

I can break a hundred, can you?

Let´s bowl. (LAUGHS)

I´m hungry.

All right, Junior, you go get some snacks.

I don´t want you light-headed,

especially you, you might start to rise.

Hey, Dad, can we get some snacks?

Sure, if you´ve got the money.

Oh, for God´s sake, Stuart, give the child some change.

Okay, but it´s coming out of your liquor allowance.

So, we´re both here getting snacks, huh?

That´s right.

(EXHALES)

So, what do you think of alien night?

Oh, my God, I love it! I´m like the biggest space geek ever.

I even have my own web page. It´s called keepontrekking.com.

Really, well, you know, I´m...

Jeez.

Oh, excuse me, hi.

You just cut in front of this young lady here.

And? Human.

And your house has no honor.

(SPEAKING KLINGONESE)

Oh, you got it, man.

Oh, my God, you speak Klingonese?

(SPEAKING KLINGONESE)

Hey, you saw me reaching for that.

I did no such thing.

Yes, you did. That´s the ball I was going to pick and you took it. Give it back.

I will not. Let me tell you something,

I´m not a mind reader, nor am I some poltroon

who can be bullied by the likes of you.

You know what? Keep the stupid ball.

I will. Fine. I´ll get another one.

Two balls? Do you really need two balls?

It´s two more than he had before.

Oh, brother.

If you must know, I need the heavier 15-pound ball for my first shot,

and then I follow it up by the lighter 14-pound ball to pick up the spare,

in the rare event that I need to.

You know what? You annoy me.

Let me tell you something, Kyle, you and I don´t hit it off.

No. Yeah.

We´re oil and vinegar, plaids and stripes, Ike and Tina.

Well, let me tell you something, Tina.

No, I´m Ike. Tina.

Ike. Ike. You´re Tina.

Tina.

Ike.

Would you look at those two? I know.

They act like a couple of kids in a school yard.

I wish a stranger in a van would pull up and offer Stu some candy.

Hey, you want one?

Uh, no, thank you.

Oh, come on, this only looks like a purse. It´s actually a cooler.

It´s nice and cold. Go ahead.

No, no, no, that´s okay, that´s okay.

No, you go ahead, enjoy your self-indulge,

and in fact, it might help your game, loosen you up, go ahead.

My score won´t matter. Stu will carry our team to victory.

No, I don´t think so.

See, my husband and I are both excellent bowlers.

In fact, they used to call me Jack ´em up Jay, okay.

Oh, that´s lovely, Jack ´em.

But I have to warn you that as a proctologist,

Stu has three of the strongest fingers in bowling.

(SIGHS)

When is it your turn, Daddy?

As soon as Mr. Tyler inserts his panty shield.

Does your dad always act like that?

No, no, he´s usually not this nice.

I feel sorry for you.

Oh, that´s okay. I´m on Ritalin.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Could you say something else in Klingonese for me?

Okay.

(SPEAKING KLINGONESE)

What does that mean?

Permission to come aboard.

Hey, girl, come over here.

Yes, Father?

I´ve got an idea, Lauren.

Lisa, Dad.

Fine, look.

The big-headed boy is obviously infatuated with you.

Now you use that to our advantage

and I´ll turn the heat back on in your room.

Oh, for God´s sake, Stu, throw the damn ball.

Last call, Helen, bar is closed.

Up yours.

Good luck, Tina.

I´m Ike, damn it.

Oops. It slipped out.

(EXCLAIMING)

(LAUGHING)

How about that? I´m your private dancer.

BOY: She´s up, she´s up!

I can´t concentrate. I wish you´d all just lay down and die.

The queen has spoken.

JAY: Yes, Claire. Yes, Claire! Strike!

(CHEERING)

(COUGHING)

I´m sorry.

Baby, he´s just trying to psyche you out, relax.

Bowl your ball. Go ahead. Okay. Okay, baby.

(WHOOPS)

That´s a strike!

Yeah, huh?

(SPUTTERS)

I think he´s selling us out for this girl.

Michael, he wouldn´t do that.

That boy would sell you out for the cool side of the pillow.

I think you´re wrong, Michael.

(MUMBLING)

Come here, you. Get over here.

All right, team, we´re only seven pins behind.

And the main event starts in 10 minutes.

I need you guys to bowl with all you can, all right?

I want you to bowl like Kyles.

You with me? Yeah!

She´s with me.

Well, Kyle, the end game is about to begin

and the Tylers are going to lick you like a big dog.

Start right there.

You know something, Stu, no matter who wins,

you´re always gonna be a hairy-backed,

beady-eyed, pot-bellied loser.

Oh, you´re as wrong as an ugly man can be.

My back isn´t hairy, I get it waxed.

You know what, Mr. About-to-lose,

I think I´ll let my fingers do the walking and my balls do the talking.

(LAUGHS)

(WHOOPING)

Know what your balls are saying?

You´re nuts.

Hey, hey, Junior, listen. I know you´ve been throwing the game

over Molly Ringworm over there, okay?

But this is the last pin, so it´s all up to you.

I´ll do my best.

No, no, no. Your best is not good enough, we need the pin.

Dad, this is as close as I´ve ever been.

Can´t you see she´s playing with you?

That´s what I´m hoping for.

Now, if you´ll excuse me, I have a game to throw.

(GROANS)

Bad, Junior.

Hey, Romeo.

Before you throw that last ball I want you to know this.

Family, that´s forever. Girls like that, they´re a dime a dozen.

Where? Bangkok.

Point is, family has to come before your needs.

What would you do if you were me?

I´d win the game and then I´d buy a ticket to Bangkok.

(SIGHS) Take 50 cents and go crazy.

(SCOFFS)

Come on. Come on, Junior, you can do it.

Just one pin, that´s all we need, is one pin.

Wait!

I love you, Junior. I´ll always believe in you.

(IN SINGSONG VOICE) Family.

(IN SINGSONG VOICE) Family.

Family.

Family.

(SIGHS)

Her.

Yes!

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Put that TV back on!

(LAUGHING)

Hey, that was really sweet of you to tell your brother you love him.

I just wanted to get home and watch Hey Arnold!

It was amazing. I never saw anyone stick up for their family like that.

Do you actually like them?

Yeah.

So what do you think? Would you like to go out sometime?

Call me in six years. What time?

9:00. Okay.

Yes!

COMMENTATOR ON TV: What an upset!

Can you believe this fight ended in a first round knockout?

The crowd absolutely stunned by this amazing turn of events.

What a shame.

Looks like you didn´t get to see your stupid fight after all.

Okay, you know what, Tyler, I´m tired of this.

Oh, yeah? What do you have in mind, bean head, huh?

Wanna go a little one-on-one, huh? Watch out for that one.

I got news for you, you want to find out who´s the boss, huh?

I´ll give you a little hint, it´s not Tony Danza, my friend.

Look, I don´t want to fight you, Tyler, okay?

Instead, I´ll do this.

I am absolutely offended that you would say

William Shatner is this tall with a bad toupee.

(ALL GASPING)

How dare you? It´s an insult.

(STAMMERING) You don´t have to get mad at me.

Come on, you and I... You and I...

Bye, Tina.

Bye, Ike.

(STAMMERING) No, wait, hang on!

Shatner doesn´t wear a toupee, and if he does, it´s a good one.

Let´s be honest. You know, I don´t make any jokes...

Excuse me, hey, hey.

JAY: Oh, my!

Hey, I wasn´t done yet.

Yeah, we´re paying customers, okay?

(LAUGHS) I can´t... I got a block.

We´re paying customers, okay?

What is wrong? Oh, God! Okay.

Hey, I wasn´t done. Yes, you are.