All language subtitles for My.Wife.And.Kids.S02E26.WEBRip.x264-ION10

Hey, this isn´t
Disneyland.

MICHAEL: Sure it is,
we just came through
the back way,

this is
Bowling Alley Land.

Where´s Mickey?

Um, that´s Mickey
right there.

He´s just going to
put his make-up on.

Oh, my God,
we came on
Space Alien Night?

This place is filled with
mutants and Trekkies.

Don´t be redundant.

You can´t fool me,
this is a bowling alley

and I don´t know
how to bowl.

Yeah, well, you didn´t know
how to rollerblade either,

but that didn´t stop you,
did it, hop-along?

Look, baby, me and you,
we´re gonna watch the fight.

We´ll just eat some
popcorn and candy while
your mother and them bowl.

Oh, no, no, no, no.
No? There´s no way?

We came here to
bowl as a family.

Now, we would all rather
be with other people
right now,

but it´s family time
so we´re stuck
with one another.

Fine, I´ll bowl
between rounds.

Hey, would you stop
with the gang signs?

Dad, it´s just
a Vulcan salute.

The worst this guy
can do is shut down
your computer.

I´m gonna go check out
the rest of the costumes.

You are the
Romulan queen.
What?

I know you´re
in disguise.

I vow allegiance to you
from now until pon farr.

Daddy, help me.
Hey, hey,
what is the problem?

Hey, where did you
get your ears?
Those points are perfect.

Hey, look, Captain Jerk,
beam yourself out of here.

It´s admiral.

Look, Jay,
this is a freak show.
We don´t belong here.

Only an idiot would
want to be here
on this night.

(CHUCKLING)
I am so glad
we came here.

And on
alien night, too.

It doesn´t get
any better than this.

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

Excuse me, fella.

Did you see this, Jay?
What?

The man looks me
right in the eye and then
he gives me the finger.

Michael, will you
please relax?

He didn´t give you
the finger, he gave
you a finger.

Excuse me, sir.

One second, man.

No one second.

(PHONE LINE DRONING)

Hey, I wasn´t done
with my call.

Yes, you are.
We´re paying customers.

We don´t have time to listen
to you make personal calls.

Don´t appreciate being
brushed aside

by some lazy employee
that don´t even stand up
to greet us.

You know what?
And I´m not going to
let you or anybody else

disrespect me
and my family.

As a matter of fact,
we´re not bowling here, huh?
How do you like that?

We´re not gonna
bowl here,

much to my disappointment,
you know, ´cause I really
wanted to bowl.

We´re going home.
Come on, kids...

Not gonna fly.
Not gonna fly?

No, not gonna fly.
We need some shoes.

JAY: Yeah, exactly.

I´m sure that this young man
has a very good excuse

why he couldn´t
wait on you, Michael.

(SCOFFS) Good excuse,
I´d like to hear this
good excuse, go ahead.

What´s the
good excuse, pal?

My wheelchair broke.

And that´s the only time
I can get in touch
with the manufacturer.

I´m sorry about the whole
standing up thing,
I didn´t know.

But look on the bright side,
bet you probably got the best
parking space in here.

Kids, can you just...
Mmm-mmm.

Can you just please
tell the man
your shoe size

so he can get on
with his business?

Ten.
Eight.

I don´t need
any shoes.

And why not?

I sprained my ankle.

Boo-hoo-hoo.

Sir, I would like to have
a pair of eights, please.

Eights?

All right, nines,
I´d like to have nines.

Nine?
Give me the
nine and a half.

(SCOFFS) Big feet.

Come on, let´s go.

And what can I
get you, sir?

I need some 12s.

I´m sorry, 12s go
quickly on alien night.
That´s Han Solo´s size.

But we have plenty
of sevens.

Come on, I can´t
wear size six with
a four inch lift.

You don´t have anything
closer to a 12?

I´ll take a 13
or an eleven and a half
or something.

Uh... Well, oh,
we got these. Wookies.

That´s a clown shoe,
you gotta be kidding.

I´m returning these 12s.

You´re in luck.

Oh, what? No, no, no.
These things are sweaty
and they stink.

Yeah, I´ve been sweating
a lot lately.

I picked up something
on a goat farm in Bali.

What, a goat?

Enjoy your game, brother.

Look, those are 12s,
right up there!

No, no. Those are
reserved for the VIBs.

Who´s a VIB?

The Very Important Bowlers.

Okay, fine,
I´ll take the 17s.

JAY: Come on, come on,
come on, come on, come on.

(WHOOPING)
Yes, a strike!

(EXCLAIMING)

Yeah, Mom!

Yes! Yes, come on, baby,
your turn.

(WHOOPING)

Michael.
Huh?

You´re not
even trying.

Yeah, I am.
You´re just beating me,
that´s all.

You´re good.
You´re good, baby, good.
JAY: No, no.

All you´re
paying attention to
is that stupid fight.

It´s all you care about.

These are preliminaries.
I don´t care about this
stupid fight.

Who the hell
turned off my TV?

Hey, Ironside,
who touched
the television?

I did.

Well, well, well,
Stuart Tyler.
Oh!

Proctologist extraordinaire.
Mr. Stink Finger.

Look, Helen,
it´s the Kyles.

You remember them from
that dreadful evening

we had to spend
at Tokahana,
thanks to you.

Oh, you mean
my birthday?

Whatever.

Hi, how are you?

I´m fine,
how are you?

Well, actually, I was
home in bed with
a 103 fever earlier,

but Stuart here thought
I ought to try to
sweat it out.

Look, Kyle,
it so happens that

organized games with
rules are the linchpin of
a strong family unit.

That´s why I´d
like to watch some
organized boxing.

How about, no?

And how about,
what´s the big deal?

Well, you may let
your kids run amok,

but I refuse to have
my children exposed to
that level of violence.

Oh, I´d like
to see the fight, Dad.

Will you
shut your mouth?
(WHIMPERS)

Hey, Ironside, why is
that he controls the TV?

Oh, he´s a VIB, man.

Well, how do I
become a VIB?

Oh, man, it´s simple.
All you got...

(CRASHING)

Are those two pairs
of 12s you have?

My normal two pair, yes.

And why do you
need two pairs?

I like to
freshen my feet
every five frames.

You have a problem
with that?

Yeah, I have a problem
with everything about you.

From your beady, little eyes
to your sweaty, little feet.

I was born with
an extra sweat gland
on the balls of my feet,

but thank you for
telling the world.

Why don´t you tell
everyone that I have
a dropped testi?

He´s got
a dropped testi!

(GRUNTS)

This is so embarrassing,
they´re drawing
attention to us.

I know and
all the mutants
are watching us.

Why don´t you
take a picture?
It lasts longer.

Oh, my God.

How old do you
think she is?

I asked her, she´s 15.

You think I have
a chance?

You´ve got nothing
to lose.

Well, you´ve got one thing
but you haven´t lost it yet.

So I´m sure
you´re not gonna
lose it tonight.

Let me see your best shot.

So, you come here often?

No.

(SIGHS)

Michael, are you going to
be able to enjoy yourself
with these people here?

No, let´s get...
No, no, no, no.
Let me rephrase that.

Michael, you are going to be
able to enjoy yourself with
these people here, okay?

I mean, I would
if they could turn
the fight back on,

but I don´t want to sit here
and look at the patches
of hair on his head.

I don´t want any trouble
between you and this man
tonight, okay?

Trust me.

Hey, Tyler.
What?

What do you say
we make this
interesting?

Are you swingers, too?

Oh! Oh, God! No.

I´m talking
about bowling.

Oh, bowling.
Well, what do you
have in mind?

My family against
your family, one game.

We win, you turn
the fight back on.

What´s in it for me?

You win, I´ll pay
for your bowling.

And I´ll have that gland
in your foot fixed.

I´ve learned to live with it
but you´ve got yourself
a wager.

No, this is more than
just a bowling game, okay?

The Kyle family honor
is on the line.

Michael, it is
not that serious.

Come on, Jay,
what happened to my
competitive wife?

Um, I left all that behind
when I left Wall Street,

sooner or later
you got to grow up
and be an adult.

Good luck.
Bite me.

Dad, you know
I stink at bowling,
don´t you?

No, you don´t stink,
you just need
a little incentive.

I can break a hundred,
can you?

Let´s bowl.
(LAUGHS)

I´m hungry.

All right, Junior,
you go get some snacks.

I don´t want you
light-headed,

especially you,
you might start
to rise.

Hey, Dad, can we get
some snacks?

Sure, if you´ve
got the money.

Oh, for God´s sake, Stuart,
give the child some change.

Okay, but it´s coming
out of your liquor
allowance.

So, we´re both here
getting snacks, huh?

That´s right.

(EXHALES)

So, what do you think
of alien night?

Oh, my God, I love it!
I´m like the biggest
space geek ever.

I even have my own
web page. It´s called
keepontrekking.com.

Really, well,
you know, I´m...

Jeez.

Oh, excuse me, hi.

You just cut in front of
this young lady here.

And? Human.

And your house
has no honor.

(SPEAKING KLINGONESE)

Oh, you got it, man.

Oh, my God,
you speak Klingonese?

(SPEAKING KLINGONESE)

Hey, you saw me
reaching for that.

I did no such thing.

Yes, you did. That´s the ball
I was going to pick
and you took it. Give it back.

I will not. Let me
tell you something,

I´m not a mind reader,
nor am I some poltroon

who can be bullied
by the likes of you.

You know what?
Keep the stupid ball.

I will. Fine.
I´ll get another one.

Two balls?
Do you really
need two balls?

It´s two more
than he had before.

Oh, brother.

If you must know, I need
the heavier 15-pound ball
for my first shot,

and then I follow it up
by the lighter 14-pound ball
to pick up the spare,

in the rare event
that I need to.

You know what?
You annoy me.

Let me tell you something,
Kyle, you and I don´t
hit it off.

No.
Yeah.

We´re oil and vinegar,
plaids and stripes,
Ike and Tina.

Well, let me tell you
something, Tina.

No, I´m Ike.
Tina.

Ike. Ike.
You´re Tina.

Tina.

Ike.

Would you look
at those two?
I know.

They act like
a couple of kids
in a school yard.

I wish a stranger in a van
would pull up and offer Stu
some candy.

Hey, you want one?

Uh, no, thank you.

Oh, come on, this only
looks like a purse.
It´s actually a cooler.

It´s nice and cold.
Go ahead.

No, no, no,
that´s okay,
that´s okay.

No, you go ahead,
enjoy your self-indulge,

and in fact,
it might help your game,
loosen you up, go ahead.

My score won´t matter.
Stu will carry our team
to victory.

No, I don´t think so.

See, my husband and I are
both excellent bowlers.

In fact, they used to
call me Jack ´em up Jay,
okay.

Oh, that´s lovely,
Jack ´em.

But I have to warn you
that as a proctologist,

Stu has three
of the strongest
fingers in bowling.

(SIGHS)

When is it
your turn, Daddy?

As soon as Mr. Tyler
inserts his panty shield.

Does your dad
always act like that?

No, no, he´s usually
not this nice.

I feel sorry for you.

Oh, that´s okay.
I´m on Ritalin.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Could you say something
else in Klingonese for me?

Okay.

(SPEAKING KLINGONESE)

What does that mean?

Permission to
come aboard.

Hey, girl,
come over here.

Yes, Father?

I´ve got an idea, Lauren.

Lisa, Dad.

Fine, look.

The big-headed boy
is obviously
infatuated with you.

Now you use that
to our advantage

and I´ll turn the heat
back on in your room.

Oh, for God´s sake, Stu,
throw the damn ball.

Last call, Helen,
bar is closed.

Up yours.

Good luck, Tina.

I´m Ike, damn it.

Oops. It slipped out.

(EXCLAIMING)

(LAUGHING)

How about that?
I´m your private dancer.

BOY: She´s up, she´s up!

I can´t concentrate.
I wish you´d all just
lay down and die.

The queen has spoken.

JAY: Yes, Claire.
Yes, Claire! Strike!

(CHEERING)

(COUGHING)

I´m sorry.

Baby, he´s just trying
to psyche you out, relax.

Bowl your ball.
Go ahead.
Okay. Okay, baby.

(WHOOPS)

That´s a strike!

Yeah, huh?

(SPUTTERS)

I think he´s
selling us out
for this girl.

Michael,
he wouldn´t do that.

That boy would
sell you out for the
cool side of the pillow.

I think you´re
wrong, Michael.

(MUMBLING)

Come here, you.
Get over here.

All right, team,
we´re only
seven pins behind.

And the main event
starts in 10 minutes.

I need you guys
to bowl with all
you can, all right?

I want you to bowl
like Kyles.

You with me?
Yeah!

She´s with me.

Well, Kyle, the end game
is about to begin

and the Tylers are going
to lick you like a big dog.

Start right there.

You know something, Stu,
no matter who wins,

you´re always gonna be
a hairy-backed,

beady-eyed,
pot-bellied loser.

Oh, you´re as wrong
as an ugly man can be.

My back isn´t hairy,
I get it waxed.

You know what,
Mr. About-to-lose,

I think I´ll let my fingers
do the walking and my balls
do the talking.

(LAUGHS)

(WHOOPING)

Know what your balls
are saying?

You´re nuts.

Hey, hey, Junior, listen.
I know you´ve been
throwing the game

over Molly Ringworm
over there, okay?

But this is the last pin,
so it´s all up to you.

I´ll do my best.

No, no, no. Your best
is not good enough,
we need the pin.

Dad, this is as close
as I´ve ever been.

Can´t you see
she´s playing
with you?

That´s what
I´m hoping for.

Now, if you´ll excuse me,
I have a game to throw.

(GROANS)

Bad, Junior.

Hey, Romeo.

Before you throw that
last ball I want you
to know this.

Family, that´s forever.
Girls like that,
they´re a dime a dozen.

Where?
Bangkok.

Point is,
family has to come
before your needs.

What would you do
if you were me?

I´d win the game
and then I´d buy
a ticket to Bangkok.

(SIGHS)
Take 50 cents and go crazy.

(SCOFFS)

Come on. Come on, Junior,
you can do it.

Just one pin,
that´s all we need,
is one pin.

Wait!

I love you, Junior.
I´ll always believe
in you.

(IN SINGSONG VOICE)
Family.

(IN SINGSONG VOICE)
Family.

Family.

Family.

(SIGHS)

Her.

Yes!

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Put that TV
back on!

(LAUGHING)

Hey, that was really
sweet of you to tell your
brother you love him.

I just wanted to get home
and watch Hey Arnold!

It was amazing.
I never saw anyone stick up
for their family like that.

Do you actually like them?

Yeah.

So what do you think?
Would you like to
go out sometime?

Call me in six years.
What time?

9:00.
Okay.

Yes!

COMMENTATOR ON TV:
What an upset!

Can you believe
this fight ended in
a first round knockout?

The crowd absolutely
stunned by this
amazing turn of events.

What a shame.

Looks like you didn´t get
to see your stupid fight
after all.

Okay, you know what, Tyler,
I´m tired of this.

Oh, yeah? What do
you have in mind,
bean head, huh?

Wanna go
a little one-on-one, huh?
Watch out for that one.

I got news for you,
you want to find out
who´s the boss, huh?

I´ll give you a little hint,
it´s not Tony Danza,
my friend.

Look, I don´t want to
fight you, Tyler, okay?

Instead, I´ll do this.

I am absolutely offended
that you would say

William Shatner
is this tall
with a bad toupee.

(ALL GASPING)

How dare you?
It´s an insult.

(STAMMERING)
You don´t have to
get mad at me.

Come on, you and I...
You and I...

Bye, Tina.

Bye, Ike.

(STAMMERING)
No, wait, hang on!

Shatner doesn´t wear
a toupee, and if he does,
it´s a good one.

Let´s be honest.
You know, I don´t
make any jokes...

Excuse me, hey, hey.

JAY: Oh, my!

Hey, I wasn´t done yet.

Yeah, we´re paying
customers, okay?

(LAUGHS) I can´t...
I got a block.

We´re paying customers, okay?

What is wrong?
Oh, God! Okay.

Hey, I wasn´t done.
Yes, you are.