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1
00:00:04,672 --> 00:00:07,682
Michael Kyle?
Is that you?
2
00:00:07,708 --> 00:00:10,238
It's me, Susan Green
from high school.
3
00:00:10,278 --> 00:00:11,778
I'm sorry, I don't...
I don't remember.
4
00:00:11,812 --> 00:00:14,782
Remember, you got stuck
in my locker trying to
steal my bra?
5
00:00:14,815 --> 00:00:19,145
(GASPING) Susan
"Sexy" Green!
6
00:00:19,187 --> 00:00:21,217
The cheerleader. Yeah!
7
00:00:21,255 --> 00:00:22,755
From good old Titus High.
8
00:00:22,790 --> 00:00:25,590
Remember? Give me
a "T," give me an "I,"
give me a "T"...
9
00:00:25,626 --> 00:00:27,556
Give me a "U,"
give me a "S,"
as in "us."
10
00:00:27,595 --> 00:00:29,525
Excuse me. Move.
11
00:00:29,563 --> 00:00:32,703
Hi, Susan!
Janet Thomas.
Remember me?
12
00:00:32,733 --> 00:00:34,033
No, not really.
13
00:00:34,068 --> 00:00:36,538
I sat right next to you
in homeroom for
four years. Remember?
14
00:00:36,570 --> 00:00:37,710
No.
15
00:00:37,738 --> 00:00:40,168
I was the water girl
for the cheerleaders.
16
00:00:40,208 --> 00:00:41,608
Gave you a little sip...
You know?
17
00:00:41,642 --> 00:00:43,282
Oh, right!
18
00:00:43,311 --> 00:00:45,351
Little moonface Jay!
19
00:00:45,379 --> 00:00:47,449
Yeah. She grew
into the face.
20
00:00:47,481 --> 00:00:49,751
You haven't
changed a bit.
21
00:00:49,783 --> 00:00:54,123
And you have this
whole Michael Jordan
thing happening.
22
00:00:54,155 --> 00:00:58,185
(CHUCKLING) Yeah,
I get that a lot.
23
00:00:58,226 --> 00:00:59,356
(CHUCKLES WEAKLY)
24
00:00:59,393 --> 00:01:00,763
No, you don't.
25
00:01:00,794 --> 00:01:03,204
This is the girl
you knocked up
and had to marry?
26
00:01:03,231 --> 00:01:06,631
Yes, it is. We've
had 17 of the most
incredible years
27
00:01:06,667 --> 00:01:09,497
of our lives and we have
three children, too.
Mmm-hmm.
28
00:01:09,537 --> 00:01:11,467
Oh, and I see
another one
on the way.
29
00:01:11,505 --> 00:01:14,405
No, no. No, no.
30
00:01:14,442 --> 00:01:16,582
No. See, it's very
difficult keeping
weight off
31
00:01:16,610 --> 00:01:18,610
when you have children
and you're a mother,
you know?
32
00:01:18,646 --> 00:01:20,746
Tell me about it.
I have seven.
33
00:01:20,781 --> 00:01:23,551
Wow.
What, do you
live in the gym?
34
00:01:23,584 --> 00:01:26,294
No. I don't have time.
What with the kids,
35
00:01:26,320 --> 00:01:28,520
running the magazine,
the presidential campaign.
36
00:01:28,556 --> 00:01:30,616
I can hardly
find time for my
missionary work.
37
00:01:30,658 --> 00:01:34,328
Well, seven kids,
you seem to be in
the missionary a lot.
38
00:01:39,367 --> 00:01:43,337
Susan, yeah,
what magazine
do you work for?
39
00:01:43,371 --> 00:01:44,911
You probably
haven't heard of it.
40
00:01:44,938 --> 00:01:47,378
I run a small magazine.
It's called New Age Woman.
41
00:01:47,408 --> 00:01:50,908
New Age Woman?
Why, that's her
favorite magazine!
42
00:01:50,944 --> 00:01:54,384
Jay can't get
enough of that
New Age magazine.
43
00:01:54,415 --> 00:01:56,515
Every time I go out,
she says, "Hey, Michael,
44
00:01:56,550 --> 00:01:58,620
"bring me back
my New Age."
45
00:01:58,652 --> 00:02:02,522
"I gotta go to the bathroom.
Where's the New Age?
Where's the New Age?"
46
00:02:02,556 --> 00:02:03,916
The New Age. Look.
47
00:02:03,957 --> 00:02:06,187
We got a copy right here.
This is this month's issue.
48
00:02:06,194 --> 00:02:07,334
Could you
sign it for her?
Oh, yeah.
49
00:02:07,361 --> 00:02:10,501
You know what, Susan girl,
we don't wanna hold you up.
50
00:02:10,531 --> 00:02:13,501
Michael, let's go
to the 10 items
or less aisle.
51
00:02:13,534 --> 00:02:15,704
But we got more
than 10 items.
52
00:02:17,738 --> 00:02:20,238
Now we don't.
Goodbye, Susan.
53
00:02:21,675 --> 00:02:23,505
Hey, you know what?
I got a great idea.
54
00:02:23,544 --> 00:02:26,214
Why don't we all
get together and...
55
00:02:30,818 --> 00:02:32,848
I remember Susan.
56
00:02:32,886 --> 00:02:35,816
She was skinny
and smart
and beautiful
57
00:02:35,856 --> 00:02:37,826
and everyone liked her.
58
00:02:37,858 --> 00:02:39,858
God, I hated her.
59
00:02:39,893 --> 00:02:42,233
It was miserable, too.
I mean, being around her
60
00:02:42,230 --> 00:02:45,300
made me feel 16
and awkward
and ugly again.
61
00:02:45,333 --> 00:02:47,403
You were
never awkward.
62
00:02:48,869 --> 00:02:50,899
Thank you. But you
should've seen Michael.
63
00:02:50,938 --> 00:02:52,238
I mean,
he was ridiculous.
64
00:02:52,240 --> 00:02:53,470
He was acting like
a little teenager.
65
00:02:53,507 --> 00:02:54,777
Drooling all over himself.
66
00:02:54,808 --> 00:02:57,308
She called him
Michael Jordan.
67
00:02:57,345 --> 00:02:59,475
He about forgot I was
even standing there.
68
00:02:59,513 --> 00:03:00,983
Michael Jordan?
Yes.
69
00:03:01,014 --> 00:03:04,454
I don't think so. Not even
Lou Gossett on a good day.
70
00:03:05,253 --> 00:03:08,523
Maybe Scatman Crothers.
71
00:03:08,556 --> 00:03:10,286
You know we
don't get along.
72
00:03:10,324 --> 00:03:12,764
If it wasn't for your
husband meddling
in my business,
73
00:03:12,793 --> 00:03:14,763
I would be married
to Ricky Baker.
74
00:03:14,795 --> 00:03:17,265
Michael told Ricky
I slept with the
whole football team.
75
00:03:17,265 --> 00:03:19,965
Wanda, you did.
You did.
76
00:03:20,000 --> 00:03:21,970
No, I didn't.
77
00:03:22,002 --> 00:03:23,872
I never slept
with the kicker.
78
00:03:23,904 --> 00:03:26,544
Oh, maybe I did.
79
00:03:31,312 --> 00:03:34,382
Anyway, do you think
that I'm overreacting?
80
00:03:34,415 --> 00:03:35,475
Oh, no.
81
00:03:35,516 --> 00:03:36,546
No?
82
00:03:36,584 --> 00:03:38,754
Men get very
insecure at his age.
83
00:03:38,786 --> 00:03:40,816
With his hair gone,
his spine curving
84
00:03:40,854 --> 00:03:42,794
and his gonads drooping,
85
00:03:42,823 --> 00:03:44,293
all it takes is
a little compliment
86
00:03:44,292 --> 00:03:45,762
from some little heifer
to turn his head.
87
00:03:45,793 --> 00:03:47,803
That's exactly
what I was afraid of.
88
00:03:47,828 --> 00:03:49,298
And you better be.
89
00:03:49,297 --> 00:03:51,897
I've seen it happen to
the least suspecting.
90
00:03:51,932 --> 00:03:53,802
What about that
married man
I was dating?
91
00:03:53,834 --> 00:03:57,974
You would think my sister
would've seen it coming.
92
00:03:58,005 --> 00:04:00,505
And it took you to show
her the light, huh?
93
00:04:00,541 --> 00:04:03,311
That's what big
sisters are for.
Okay.
94
00:04:07,915 --> 00:04:09,375
What do you think
I should do?
95
00:04:09,417 --> 00:04:10,317
You're gonna have
to do something
96
00:04:10,318 --> 00:04:11,518
to snap his little
peanut head around.
97
00:04:11,552 --> 00:04:14,792
Peanut head? I always
thought he looked
like a Milk Dud.
98
00:04:14,822 --> 00:04:16,322
(BOTH LAUGHING)
99
00:04:18,326 --> 00:04:20,786
Well, well, well.
100
00:04:20,828 --> 00:04:23,058
Girl, I got to go.
Your husband is home.
101
00:04:23,096 --> 00:04:25,696
Jay, I thought we said
no pets in the house?
102
00:04:25,733 --> 00:04:27,473
He didn't mean that, Wanda.
He did not mean that.
103
00:04:27,501 --> 00:04:31,841
I know. He just says
the first thing that
pops in his scalp.
104
00:04:31,872 --> 00:04:34,012
Hey, you
got something
on your chin.
105
00:04:34,041 --> 00:04:36,911
No, lower,
the other chin.
Right down, this one.
106
00:04:40,080 --> 00:04:41,380
I gotta go.
107
00:04:41,415 --> 00:04:43,045
Don't let him scare
you off, Wanda.
108
00:04:43,083 --> 00:04:45,093
Oh, I'm not leaving
because of him, girl.
I gotta run.
109
00:04:45,118 --> 00:04:48,458
Yeah, you gotta run,
you gotta do some
sit-ups, some tae-bo.
110
00:04:49,122 --> 00:04:50,722
(LAUGHING)
111
00:04:51,459 --> 00:04:54,959
Very funny,
Mr. Rogaine.
112
00:04:54,995 --> 00:04:57,425
You know what?
I'm gonna
dedicate my life
113
00:04:57,465 --> 00:04:58,825
to making yours
miserable.
114
00:04:58,866 --> 00:05:00,966
Even if I have
to live to 150.
No.
115
00:05:01,001 --> 00:05:03,471
You got about
four more years left.
116
00:05:05,406 --> 00:05:06,466
Bye, Jay.
117
00:05:06,507 --> 00:05:07,777
Bye, Wanda.
118
00:05:08,742 --> 00:05:10,012
Why are you
so mean to her?
119
00:05:10,043 --> 00:05:11,453
Because every time
she come over here,
120
00:05:11,479 --> 00:05:12,709
she start up
some trouble.
121
00:05:12,746 --> 00:05:14,746
That is not true.
122
00:05:14,782 --> 00:05:16,422
Do you think I'm ugly?
123
00:05:16,450 --> 00:05:17,490
Compared to Wanda?
124
00:05:17,518 --> 00:05:19,818
No. Compared
to Susan Green.
125
00:05:19,853 --> 00:05:21,053
Oh, come on, Jay.
(GRUNTS)
126
00:05:21,088 --> 00:05:23,458
I'm not even thinking
about Susan Green.
127
00:05:23,491 --> 00:05:26,431
I married you.
You're my wife
and my queen.
128
00:05:26,460 --> 00:05:28,030
I only have
eyes for you.
129
00:05:28,061 --> 00:05:30,001
Well, do you think
I've changed much
since high school?
130
00:05:30,030 --> 00:05:32,700
No. You're
exactly the same.
131
00:05:32,733 --> 00:05:35,443
You got the same hairdo,
you got the same blood type,
132
00:05:35,469 --> 00:05:39,039
same DNA, same shoe size,
same Social Security number.
133
00:05:39,072 --> 00:05:40,842
You're just
the same Jay.
134
00:05:40,874 --> 00:05:42,084
(CRYING)
135
00:05:43,076 --> 00:05:44,406
Why are you crying?
136
00:05:44,445 --> 00:05:46,675
You're right!
I haven't
changed much.
137
00:05:46,714 --> 00:05:50,454
Susan Green blossomed,
while I'm a stump
that hasn't grown.
138
00:05:50,484 --> 00:05:52,054
Please don't compare
yourself to her.
139
00:05:52,085 --> 00:05:53,845
No! No, Michael!
140
00:05:53,887 --> 00:05:56,417
Baby, you've got so
much more going on
than that woman.
141
00:05:56,457 --> 00:05:59,827
You're smart,
you're fun,
you're funny.
142
00:05:59,860 --> 00:06:02,860
It's like hanging out
with the fellas
with you sometimes.
143
00:06:02,896 --> 00:06:05,696
You know?
And what has
she got? Beauty.
144
00:06:07,768 --> 00:06:09,668
She's a pretty girl
and that's it.
145
00:06:09,703 --> 00:06:14,043
In another 20, 30 years
that'll all fade away.
146
00:06:14,074 --> 00:06:15,784
But you know what?
147
00:06:15,809 --> 00:06:18,449
My sturdy Jay'll
keep chugging along.
148
00:06:18,446 --> 00:06:19,946
(HIGH-PITCHED CRYING)
149
00:06:20,814 --> 00:06:22,124
What did I say?
150
00:06:25,185 --> 00:06:27,855
No, no, dude.
I'm not
gonna do it.
151
00:06:27,888 --> 00:06:28,858
Man, it's a tradition.
152
00:06:28,889 --> 00:06:31,189
Everybody who makes
the team has to do one.
153
00:06:31,224 --> 00:06:34,934
Yup. I had to run across
four lines of traffic.
Buck naked.
154
00:06:34,962 --> 00:06:38,202
Yup. And I had to
drink a whole bottle
of hot sauce. Naked.
155
00:06:38,231 --> 00:06:39,901
That's fine, but
I can't sneak into
156
00:06:39,933 --> 00:06:41,943
the girls' locker room
and take Denise Adams' bra.
157
00:06:41,969 --> 00:06:43,999
If I get caught,
I'll get expelled.
158
00:06:44,037 --> 00:06:46,707
Yeah, well, it's either
that or you're washing
team jockstraps.
159
00:06:46,740 --> 00:06:47,910
And team balls.
160
00:06:47,941 --> 00:06:49,041
Naked.
161
00:06:49,076 --> 00:06:50,136
I'll get the bra.
162
00:06:50,177 --> 00:06:51,707
What bra?
163
00:06:51,745 --> 00:06:53,645
It's none of
your business.
Just shut up.
164
00:06:53,681 --> 00:06:54,681
Make me shut up.
165
00:06:54,715 --> 00:06:56,115
I don't make trash,
I bake it.
166
00:06:56,149 --> 00:06:57,949
(LAUGHING LOUDLY)
167
00:07:02,189 --> 00:07:04,829
Ooh, look. Lickawish.
168
00:07:04,858 --> 00:07:06,688
What did you call it?
Lickawish.
169
00:07:06,727 --> 00:07:08,957
Yeah, lickawish.
Why, what do you
call it?
170
00:07:08,996 --> 00:07:10,596
Liquorish.
171
00:07:10,631 --> 00:07:12,131
(LAUGHING)
Say it again.
172
00:07:12,165 --> 00:07:13,925
Liquorish.
173
00:07:13,967 --> 00:07:15,067
That's funny.
174
00:07:15,102 --> 00:07:16,772
What's so funny
about liquorish?
175
00:07:16,804 --> 00:07:19,214
Everyone else on the planet
pronounces it "liquorish."
176
00:07:19,239 --> 00:07:20,739
Hey, girls.
177
00:07:20,774 --> 00:07:22,084
Hi.
Hey.
178
00:07:22,109 --> 00:07:25,049
Whoa! Hand me some
of that lickawish.
179
00:07:25,078 --> 00:07:27,108
That is so weird.
180
00:07:27,147 --> 00:07:28,947
Claire, where's
your mother at?
181
00:07:28,982 --> 00:07:30,752
Oh, she's upstairs.
She's been in bed
all day.
182
00:07:30,784 --> 00:07:32,854
Come here.
I wanna talk to you.
183
00:07:35,022 --> 00:07:37,792
Can you please go
upstairs and try to
talk to your mother?
184
00:07:37,825 --> 00:07:38,825
Why, what's wrong?
185
00:07:38,859 --> 00:07:40,659
I don't know.
It's some sort of
186
00:07:40,694 --> 00:07:43,164
emotional-woman thing
that I don't understand.
187
00:07:43,196 --> 00:07:47,596
Could you just
go up there and exhale
with her or something?
188
00:07:47,635 --> 00:07:49,665
Okay. I know just
the thing that'll
cheer her up.
189
00:07:49,703 --> 00:07:51,173
Great.
190
00:07:51,204 --> 00:07:52,874
Here, Mom, I brought
you some goodies.
191
00:07:52,906 --> 00:07:55,906
I've got some ice cream,
cookies, some magazines.
192
00:07:55,943 --> 00:07:58,853
Oh, and my favorite,
lickawish.
Let me get one.
193
00:07:59,813 --> 00:08:00,883
(GRUNTS)
194
00:08:00,914 --> 00:08:02,784
So, what's going on, Mom?
195
00:08:02,816 --> 00:08:04,986
(CLICKING TONGUE)
I don't know, Claire.
196
00:08:05,018 --> 00:08:07,818
You ever have one
of those days where
you just feel blah?
197
00:08:07,855 --> 00:08:08,755
No.
198
00:08:08,789 --> 00:08:11,689
I mean, when you are
looking in the mirror
199
00:08:11,725 --> 00:08:13,885
and you don't like
what you see
looking back at you.
200
00:08:13,927 --> 00:08:15,627
You ever... You
know that feeling?
201
00:08:15,663 --> 00:08:18,603
No.
Okay. I'm talking
about, Claire,
202
00:08:18,632 --> 00:08:20,072
when you hate
your clothes,
203
00:08:20,100 --> 00:08:22,140
your hair's not
working anymore.
204
00:08:22,169 --> 00:08:24,569
You know that
feeling, right?
No.
205
00:08:24,605 --> 00:08:26,105
You know what, Claire,
go on and get out.
206
00:08:26,139 --> 00:08:27,839
Come on, Claire.
Go on, please.
207
00:08:27,875 --> 00:08:29,635
Just because I'm
young and beautiful
208
00:08:29,677 --> 00:08:32,677
doesn't mean
I can't empathize.
209
00:08:32,713 --> 00:08:36,583
Okay, okay.
Well, lately,
210
00:08:36,584 --> 00:08:38,694
I've been feeling like
I've been in a rut.
211
00:08:38,719 --> 00:08:41,119
Like I hit a wall.
I just feel frumpy.
212
00:08:41,154 --> 00:08:42,364
Why?
213
00:08:42,389 --> 00:08:45,729
(SIGHING) I ran into
this girl from my
old high school.
214
00:08:45,759 --> 00:08:46,659
Oh, say no more.
215
00:08:46,694 --> 00:08:49,834
I run into people from
high school every day.
216
00:08:53,333 --> 00:08:55,343
Claire, listen to me.
217
00:08:55,368 --> 00:08:57,608
This girl looked
15 years younger
than me.
218
00:08:57,638 --> 00:09:00,038
She was doing
all these wonderful
things with her life.
219
00:09:00,073 --> 00:09:02,943
She had seven kids
and her body
looked fantastic.
220
00:09:02,976 --> 00:09:04,946
Oh, that sounds awful.
It was.
221
00:09:04,978 --> 00:09:06,608
Your self worth
must be diminished,
222
00:09:06,647 --> 00:09:09,077
which causes you to
feel bad on the inside.
223
00:09:09,116 --> 00:09:10,146
Yeah.
224
00:09:10,183 --> 00:09:11,653
And that, in turn,
is reflected
225
00:09:11,685 --> 00:09:13,345
on the way you look
on the outside.
226
00:09:13,386 --> 00:09:15,986
Claire, that's really,
really insightful.
227
00:09:16,023 --> 00:09:17,163
Oh, I know.
Let me finish.
228
00:09:17,190 --> 00:09:19,130
Okay.
229
00:09:19,159 --> 00:09:22,359
Now, you'd have to
work out the internal
issues in therapy...
230
00:09:22,395 --> 00:09:23,995
Uh-huh.
But the external issues
231
00:09:24,031 --> 00:09:25,671
are something
we can fix right away.
232
00:09:25,699 --> 00:09:27,329
How?
A makeover.
233
00:09:27,367 --> 00:09:30,137
'Cause when
a woman looks good,
she feels good.
234
00:09:30,170 --> 00:09:32,310
You are
absolutely right.
235
00:09:32,339 --> 00:09:34,209
How'd you come
across this info?
236
00:09:34,241 --> 00:09:37,711
I read it in this
incredible magazine
called New Age Woman.
237
00:09:37,745 --> 00:09:39,345
Oh, great.
238
00:09:39,379 --> 00:09:42,179
Here, I'll leave this
article with you by
a woman named Susan Green.
239
00:09:42,215 --> 00:09:43,975
Mmm!
She's my hero.
240
00:09:44,017 --> 00:09:45,047
Yeah, really?
241
00:09:45,085 --> 00:09:46,285
Yeah.
242
00:09:46,319 --> 00:09:47,389
Hey.
243
00:09:47,420 --> 00:09:49,390
Yeah?
Thank you, Claire.
244
00:09:49,422 --> 00:09:52,162
Oh, don't thank me.
Thank Susan Green.
245
00:09:58,732 --> 00:10:00,672
Ow!
246
00:10:00,701 --> 00:10:02,001
What are you cooking?
247
00:10:02,035 --> 00:10:04,335
Some of my famous
fried chicken. Ow!
248
00:10:04,371 --> 00:10:06,271
Ugh!
249
00:10:06,306 --> 00:10:09,076
What are you talking
about "ugh"? You love
my fried chicken. Ow!
250
00:10:09,910 --> 00:10:11,240
Yeah, when Mom cooks it.
251
00:10:11,278 --> 00:10:12,308
Yeah. Where is she?
252
00:10:12,345 --> 00:10:13,375
Ow!
253
00:10:14,314 --> 00:10:17,354
I don't know. Ow!
254
00:10:17,384 --> 00:10:19,224
She was very secretive
when she left the house.
255
00:10:19,252 --> 00:10:20,522
Ow!
256
00:10:20,553 --> 00:10:23,193
Claire, you saw her last.
Do you know where she went?
Ouch!
257
00:10:23,223 --> 00:10:25,193
I don't know
a thing. Ow!
258
00:10:25,225 --> 00:10:27,255
Ow!
259
00:10:27,294 --> 00:10:29,434
Of course, if I did
know anything, I'd say
260
00:10:29,462 --> 00:10:32,102
she's gonna have
a big surprise for us
when she gets here.
261
00:10:32,132 --> 00:10:33,902
I hope it's chicken.
262
00:10:42,910 --> 00:10:44,310
(SOFTLY) Ouch!
263
00:10:46,246 --> 00:10:49,416
So, what do you think? Ow!
264
00:10:49,449 --> 00:10:51,279
Let me take this
off the stove.
265
00:10:52,252 --> 00:10:53,322
Wow, Mom.
266
00:10:53,353 --> 00:10:55,863
You look better than all
the girls I've ever dated.
267
00:10:55,889 --> 00:10:58,689
You mean all
both of them?
268
00:10:58,726 --> 00:11:01,126
Yeah. I don't know
what to think.
269
00:11:01,161 --> 00:11:02,761
My head is a balloon
of confusion.
270
00:11:02,796 --> 00:11:04,726
You've got the
balloon part right.
271
00:11:04,732 --> 00:11:06,172
I may need therapy.
272
00:11:06,199 --> 00:11:08,039
You need
a brain transplant.
273
00:11:08,068 --> 00:11:10,038
And you need
a brain transmission.
274
00:11:10,070 --> 00:11:11,740
(LAUGHING LOUDLY)
275
00:11:13,306 --> 00:11:15,236
Mom, I never thought
I would say this,
276
00:11:15,275 --> 00:11:17,745
but you look hot.
Doesn't she, Dad?
277
00:11:17,745 --> 00:11:19,475
Mmm-hmm.
Come over here
and take a look.
278
00:11:19,512 --> 00:11:21,212
I think I'd better
stand back here.
279
00:11:21,248 --> 00:11:23,378
I'm a little
overwhelmed
right now.
280
00:11:23,416 --> 00:11:27,346
I gotta wait for my
blood to return to
the proper places.
281
00:11:30,457 --> 00:11:33,757
You look fantastic, Mom.
My work here is done.
282
00:11:35,362 --> 00:11:38,002
Okay. It's a little bit
too much, isn't it?
283
00:11:38,031 --> 00:11:40,871
Oh, no, baby, baby,
it's... It's perfect.
284
00:11:41,769 --> 00:11:45,039
I mean,
you look fantastic.
285
00:11:45,072 --> 00:11:46,812
Yeah, yeah.
The hair and everything,
it's a little...
286
00:11:46,840 --> 00:11:48,210
No, I love the hair.
287
00:11:48,241 --> 00:11:50,281
Then the clothes.
Too youthful...
288
00:11:50,310 --> 00:11:52,480
Oh, baby,
you look so sexy.
289
00:11:52,512 --> 00:11:54,212
But...
Your butt,
290
00:11:54,247 --> 00:11:57,177
I just want to
take a picture
with it. Like that.
291
00:11:59,552 --> 00:12:02,462
You think so? I mean,
you really, really
think so, Michael?
292
00:12:02,489 --> 00:12:07,029
Let me tell you something.
I'm gonna show you how
beautiful I think you look.
293
00:12:07,060 --> 00:12:09,200
Hey, Junior,
come in here.
294
00:12:12,365 --> 00:12:15,365
Listen, I need you
to take your sisters
to a movie
295
00:12:15,402 --> 00:12:17,402
and to dinner.
A long one.
296
00:12:18,338 --> 00:12:20,068
Are y'all
gonna do it?
297
00:12:20,107 --> 00:12:21,807
Yeah.
(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST)
298
00:12:24,477 --> 00:12:28,447
Okay, now that they're
gone, let me prepare
the operating table.
299
00:12:31,584 --> 00:12:33,154
Climb aboard, my dear.
300
00:12:33,186 --> 00:12:34,416
All right.
301
00:12:35,255 --> 00:12:36,515
Oh, wait.
302
00:12:38,591 --> 00:12:41,191
Yeah.
(CHUCKLES)
303
00:12:41,228 --> 00:12:43,028
I like that.
I like that.
304
00:12:47,300 --> 00:12:49,340
Wow.
(CHUCKLES)
305
00:12:49,369 --> 00:12:51,099
That was incredible.
306
00:12:51,138 --> 00:12:53,308
Mmm. Thank you. Yes.
I am not complaining.
307
00:12:53,340 --> 00:12:55,110
You seem inspired.
308
00:12:55,142 --> 00:12:56,442
Look at my inspiration.
309
00:12:56,476 --> 00:12:58,546
I mean, I'm almost
ready for round three.
310
00:12:58,578 --> 00:13:00,008
Ooh!
I said almost.
311
00:13:00,047 --> 00:13:00,947
Oh.
312
00:13:02,382 --> 00:13:05,552
Yes, baby. I'm glad
you like it. I am.
313
00:13:05,585 --> 00:13:07,045
Like it?
Yeah.
314
00:13:07,087 --> 00:13:08,417
I love it.
Really?
315
00:13:08,455 --> 00:13:11,055
Jay, this has always been
a secret fantasy of mine.
316
00:13:11,091 --> 00:13:13,031
For you to
change your hair,
317
00:13:13,060 --> 00:13:15,300
and then put on a slutty
little outfit, you know?
(GIGGLES)
318
00:13:15,328 --> 00:13:18,198
And wax your legs.
I mean, not that
I don't like that
319
00:13:18,231 --> 00:13:22,041
earthy, au naturel
India Arie thing you do.
320
00:13:22,069 --> 00:13:23,499
I mean, "Sometimes
I shave my legs,
321
00:13:23,536 --> 00:13:25,006
"sometimes I don't."
"Sometimes I don't."
322
00:13:25,038 --> 00:13:28,008
Yeah. That's
still beautiful.
323
00:13:28,041 --> 00:13:30,311
But this is what
we need to be doing
324
00:13:30,343 --> 00:13:32,983
for our marriage.
To spice it up.
Uh-huh.
325
00:13:33,013 --> 00:13:36,053
I mean, fantasies.
What can I do for you?
326
00:13:36,083 --> 00:13:38,953
Um... You could lotion
up your elbows.
327
00:13:38,986 --> 00:13:42,116
That would be real nice.
They're a little crunchy.
328
00:13:43,256 --> 00:13:45,126
Let me see.
Mmm, nice, nice.
329
00:13:45,158 --> 00:13:48,298
That's from making
all those U-turns
under the sheets.
330
00:13:50,463 --> 00:13:52,203
What else can I do?
What else?
331
00:13:52,232 --> 00:13:53,972
Nothing, Michael.
Come on.
332
00:13:54,001 --> 00:13:55,371
I don't have any fantasies.
You're my fantasy.
Yes, you do...
333
00:13:55,402 --> 00:13:58,542
Stop.
No! You're gonna laugh at me.
334
00:13:58,571 --> 00:14:00,111
I won't laugh.
I promise.
Yes, you are, Michael.
335
00:14:00,140 --> 00:14:02,440
Jay, please.
I promise.
I won't laugh.
336
00:14:02,475 --> 00:14:05,445
Okay. I do have this
one fantasy, okay?
All right.
337
00:14:05,478 --> 00:14:08,178
Okay. So, I'm in this
Dunkin' Donuts, right?
338
00:14:08,215 --> 00:14:10,345
And I'm eating all these
chocolate-covered donuts.
339
00:14:10,383 --> 00:14:13,123
You know, the ones with
the multi-colored sprinkles
on top of them.
340
00:14:13,153 --> 00:14:15,993
I'm 10 donuts up, right?
341
00:14:16,023 --> 00:14:17,163
Donut shop.
342
00:14:17,190 --> 00:14:19,230
Oh, yeah, that's it.
That's it. So then,
343
00:14:19,259 --> 00:14:21,929
the whole place just
catches on fire.
(WHISTLES)
344
00:14:21,929 --> 00:14:24,999
And I'm about to be burned
alive, and then suddenly...
345
00:14:25,032 --> 00:14:26,102
What?
346
00:14:26,133 --> 00:14:29,243
The Fire Chief
is at the window.
347
00:14:29,269 --> 00:14:32,509
The Fire Chief.
I'm the Fire Chief?
You're the Fire Chief.
348
00:14:34,207 --> 00:14:36,337
And your chest is all
glistening 'cause it's...
349
00:14:36,376 --> 00:14:40,046
The shirt's been
singed off by the fire.
350
00:14:40,080 --> 00:14:42,520
And I look like
Wesley Snipes.
Ooh, yeah.
351
00:14:44,117 --> 00:14:46,347
Or Shemar
with the one nipple out.
352
00:14:49,522 --> 00:14:54,092
So then...
So then, I say,
"Save me, Fire Chief.
353
00:14:54,127 --> 00:14:55,457
"Save me, save me."
354
00:14:55,495 --> 00:14:59,195
And you pick me up in
your big strong arms
and you say,
355
00:14:59,232 --> 00:15:04,302
"There's no fire in here.
There's only you, hot stuff."
356
00:15:04,337 --> 00:15:08,177
Mmm! Ooh!
I feel it, I feel it.
357
00:15:10,243 --> 00:15:13,153
That's your fantasy?
Ooh! That's it, baby.
That's it.
358
00:15:13,180 --> 00:15:14,710
You're right.
I would laugh
at that.
359
00:15:14,747 --> 00:15:17,277
You know what? That's
why I'm not telling you
nothing no more.
360
00:15:17,317 --> 00:15:18,687
Michael, no.
Donut shop?
361
00:15:18,718 --> 00:15:21,418
That sounds like
Rosie O'Donnell's
fantasy.
362
00:15:23,123 --> 00:15:25,393
Whatever, Michael.
363
00:15:25,425 --> 00:15:28,025
It's the texture.
It's the texture.
I know.
364
00:15:28,061 --> 00:15:31,161
But listen, this
new look of yours
is just amazing.
365
00:15:31,198 --> 00:15:32,068
Really?
Yeah.
366
00:15:32,099 --> 00:15:34,169
Susan Green ain't
got nothing on you.
367
00:15:34,201 --> 00:15:36,371
Hold the phone.
368
00:15:36,403 --> 00:15:38,343
Why?
What was that?
369
00:15:38,371 --> 00:15:42,641
Repeat that.
I said, Susan Green
looks like the sturdy one.
370
00:15:42,675 --> 00:15:44,135
Oh, really?
371
00:15:44,177 --> 00:15:45,447
So when did Susan Green
become the barometer
372
00:15:45,478 --> 00:15:47,008
by which all women
are measured?
373
00:15:47,014 --> 00:15:48,354
That's what I would
like to know, Michael.
374
00:15:48,381 --> 00:15:49,451
Uh-oh, I'm in trouble.
375
00:15:49,482 --> 00:15:51,482
Uh-oh, you're damn right.
376
00:15:52,485 --> 00:15:54,145
Baby, you're being silly.
377
00:15:54,187 --> 00:15:56,287
I am not being
silly, Michael.
378
00:15:56,323 --> 00:15:58,333
You just made it
very clear to me
379
00:15:58,358 --> 00:16:00,688
that you don't
wanna be with me,
you wanna be with her.
380
00:16:00,727 --> 00:16:01,927
I don't wanna...
How'd you get that?
381
00:16:02,029 --> 00:16:05,229
How did I get that?
Because, Michael,
in your mind,
382
00:16:05,265 --> 00:16:08,765
in your little twisted,
twisted, twisted mind,
383
00:16:08,801 --> 00:16:10,771
you are cheating on me.
384
00:16:10,803 --> 00:16:12,643
I'm cheating on you
with you?
385
00:16:12,672 --> 00:16:15,042
Thank you. Thank you
for finally admitting it.
386
00:16:15,042 --> 00:16:16,342
Thank you.
387
00:16:17,444 --> 00:16:19,284
(BLOWING VIOLENTLY)
388
00:16:23,083 --> 00:16:24,223
I guess there's
no round three?
389
00:16:24,251 --> 00:16:25,421
Hell, no!
390
00:16:34,627 --> 00:16:40,197
Okay. 106,
Denise Adams.
106, 106. 106...
391
00:16:40,233 --> 00:16:43,703
Ah! Yes, yes.
392
00:16:43,736 --> 00:16:46,806
GIRL 1: Can't believe we had
to cancel cheerleading
practice because of the rain!
393
00:16:46,839 --> 00:16:49,239
I am so wet.
Let's get out
of these clothes
394
00:16:49,276 --> 00:16:50,806
and into a hot shower.
395
00:16:50,843 --> 00:16:53,353
GIRL 2: Oh, my God, Kelly,
I love your thong.
396
00:16:53,380 --> 00:16:55,820
Thank you. Did you
see the rhinestone?
397
00:16:55,848 --> 00:16:57,648
No, where is it?
Right here.
398
00:16:57,684 --> 00:17:00,224
(GIRLS CHATTERING)
399
00:17:00,253 --> 00:17:02,823
That is so cute.
It matches your
piercing.
400
00:17:02,855 --> 00:17:04,785
(MOUTHING)
GIRL 1: Darn this thing!
401
00:17:04,824 --> 00:17:06,594
My back aches.
402
00:17:06,626 --> 00:17:09,196
Why can't I find a bra
to support these puppies?
403
00:17:12,365 --> 00:17:14,365
(SINGING)
I got naked first.
404
00:17:15,768 --> 00:17:18,308
All right, ladies.
Cut the chatter.
405
00:17:18,338 --> 00:17:19,738
Get in the showers
and go home.
406
00:17:19,772 --> 00:17:22,642
- Yes, Miss Miller.
- Yes, Miss Miller.
407
00:17:25,478 --> 00:17:27,508
Oh, God.
I can't wait
408
00:17:27,547 --> 00:17:29,747
to get out of these clothes
and scratch this rash.
409
00:17:32,252 --> 00:17:34,352
(MOANING)
410
00:17:44,797 --> 00:17:47,527
Hey, what happened
to the new Jay?
411
00:17:47,567 --> 00:17:50,667
You mean, Bobby Jay,
Fantasy Jay, Whore Jay?
412
00:17:51,738 --> 00:17:53,638
No. How about my Jay?
413
00:17:53,673 --> 00:17:56,813
The girl I know and love.
What happened to her?
414
00:17:56,843 --> 00:17:59,783
(CLICKING TONGUE)
Come on, talk to me.
What's the problem?
415
00:17:59,812 --> 00:18:03,482
The problem is, Michael,
I'm feeling so vulnerable.
416
00:18:03,516 --> 00:18:06,146
I feel unattractive.
I'm insecure.
417
00:18:06,186 --> 00:18:08,656
You know, it's so hard
for women to grow old,
418
00:18:08,688 --> 00:18:09,718
'cause we're always
comparing ourselves
419
00:18:09,756 --> 00:18:12,526
to what we used to be or
what our friends look like.
420
00:18:12,559 --> 00:18:13,859
But men,
when they get old,
421
00:18:13,893 --> 00:18:15,663
they just get more
distinguished.
422
00:18:15,695 --> 00:18:18,165
And you fawning
over Susan Green,
423
00:18:18,165 --> 00:18:20,695
and then comparing me
to her does not help.
424
00:18:20,733 --> 00:18:23,603
First of all, I wasn't
fawning over anyone.
425
00:18:23,636 --> 00:18:24,896
And secondly, baby,
426
00:18:24,937 --> 00:18:27,537
I never asked you
to change who you are.
427
00:18:27,574 --> 00:18:28,914
You did this makeover
on your own.
428
00:18:28,941 --> 00:18:34,211
So you were perfectly
happy with sturdy, rugged,
forward, tough Jay?
429
00:18:34,247 --> 00:18:36,777
Yes. Yes, I was.
430
00:18:37,884 --> 00:18:41,194
Listen, baby,
431
00:18:41,221 --> 00:18:43,691
you are the most
beautiful thing
in the world to me.
432
00:18:43,723 --> 00:18:45,693
Both inside and out.
433
00:18:45,725 --> 00:18:49,225
You're every woman
I want you to be.
434
00:18:49,262 --> 00:18:51,602
You're strong
when you need
to be strong.
435
00:18:51,631 --> 00:18:54,431
You're sexy when
you wanna be sexy.
436
00:18:54,467 --> 00:18:57,437
You're loving, you're kind,
you're sweet and sensitive.
437
00:18:57,470 --> 00:18:59,810
You're caring
and nurturing.
438
00:19:00,740 --> 00:19:02,240
Keep going.
439
00:19:03,943 --> 00:19:06,653
You're everything.
440
00:19:06,679 --> 00:19:09,819
And I could go all night.
Just like I did earlier.
441
00:19:12,719 --> 00:19:16,919
Baby, I wish that
you could see you
through my eyes.
442
00:19:16,956 --> 00:19:18,826
I can't, Michael.
443
00:19:18,858 --> 00:19:21,828
I just feel stagnant.
I feel like I'm stuck
in the mud.
444
00:19:21,861 --> 00:19:23,601
I'm drowning.
445
00:19:23,630 --> 00:19:25,900
Well, just tell me.
Whatever I can do,
I'll do it.
446
00:19:25,932 --> 00:19:28,772
I don't know.
I just...
447
00:19:28,801 --> 00:19:30,771
I need you
to rescue me.
448
00:19:35,508 --> 00:19:36,978
(MICHAEL IMITATING SIREN)
449
00:19:37,009 --> 00:19:38,409
What is that?
450
00:19:38,445 --> 00:19:40,575
MICHAEL: Ding,
ding, ding, ding.
451
00:19:40,613 --> 00:19:43,253
JAY: Michael! Michael!
452
00:19:43,850 --> 00:19:46,820
Ding, ding, ding, ding.
453
00:19:48,521 --> 00:19:50,621
Someone report
a fire, ma'am?
454
00:19:52,759 --> 00:19:55,499
(LAUGHING)
No. No, I did not.
455
00:19:55,528 --> 00:20:00,528
You're right. There's
no fire around here.
Must be you, hot stuff.
456
00:20:00,567 --> 00:20:02,597
Okay, stop it.
457
00:20:03,670 --> 00:20:05,670
Michael,
you look ridiculous.
458
00:20:05,705 --> 00:20:07,365
Don't judge till you
see this, ma'am...
459
00:20:07,407 --> 00:20:08,977
(GASPING)
460
00:20:09,008 --> 00:20:11,908
Chocolate-covered donuts
with colored sprinkles
on them.
461
00:20:11,944 --> 00:20:13,554
Michael, how did
you carry that
462
00:20:13,580 --> 00:20:15,850
and get up that ladder
at the same time?
463
00:20:15,882 --> 00:20:17,822
I used my hose, ma'am.
464
00:20:20,553 --> 00:20:22,963
This is too much.
Michael, there's
no fire here,
465
00:20:22,989 --> 00:20:25,559
so there's really
nothing you can do.
466
00:20:25,592 --> 00:20:27,392
Au contraire.
467
00:20:27,427 --> 00:20:30,457
I was sent here to rescue
a damsel in distress,
468
00:20:30,497 --> 00:20:33,527
and I'm not leaving
until my job is done.
469
00:20:33,566 --> 00:20:34,926
What are you doing?
470
00:20:34,967 --> 00:20:36,797
(POP MUSIC PLAYING)
471
00:20:38,505 --> 00:20:40,665
Whoo-hoo!
472
00:20:46,779 --> 00:20:49,449
Let's go.
473
00:20:49,482 --> 00:20:51,852
Donut. Give me the donut.
Give me the donut.
474
00:21:06,899 --> 00:21:08,799
Nice, nice.
475
00:21:08,835 --> 00:21:11,665
That's from making
all those U-turns
under the sheets.
476
00:21:14,641 --> 00:21:15,841
And I did the
commando thing.
477
00:21:15,875 --> 00:21:18,645
Yeah, I liked that.
That was nice.
478
00:21:18,678 --> 00:21:20,808
(LAUGHING)
479
00:21:20,847 --> 00:21:23,517
Uh...
You don't know where
you are, do you?
480
00:21:23,550 --> 00:21:24,980
(BOTH LAUGHING)
33736
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