Original subtitles

THOMAS: What's the problem here?

Lately I've been feeling as if Michael hasn't been

spending enough time with his family.

What are you talking about?

I'm always with the family.

I go to work and I come home with the family.

I can't get away from that damn family.

Okay, you're there physically,

yeah, Michael, but not emotionally.

Why do you withdraw, Michael?

She doesn't wanna get pregnant.

Look, I'm the one that keeps order in that house.

If it wasn't for me, it would be pure chaos, and you know that.

Okay, okay. When was the last time you sat Junior down

and asked him how he feels about things?

(SCOFFS) Who cares what Junior feels?

The only thing Junior feels is Junior.

Michael, in a blink of an eye

these kids are gonna be grown and out of the house

and you will have missed it all.

They gone yet?

Michael, what Jay's trying to tell you is it's not enough

that you're the peacekeeper in the family.

You have to open yourself emotionally, like a can of cat food.

Let me tell you what Joseph and I do.

Wait, hold on. You, Joseph, and a can of cat chow sounds too frisky for me.

No, silly, we have family day.

Once a week, Joseph and I and Barbra, Bette and Liza go to the park.

Barbra, Bette and Liza?

Are my three spaniels.

We throw them Frisbees, we stuff our faces,

we play with our cockers and we go home.

That's exactly what I'm talking about, Michael,

dedicating some family fun time.

Why couldn't you tell me that at home?

Why did we have to come here?

Michael, listen, spending time with family

is more important than making money. The fact is...

(BELL DINGS) Oh, time's up.

That'll be $150. Pay Josie on the way out.

Mmm. Baby, this food is amazing.

When it comes to cooking up some vittles,

my girl throws down.

Thank you, honey.

Yes, I'm telling you, this beef Stroganoff is really saying something.

Yeah, it's saying, "I'm meatloaf."

Ooh.

I got to meet John at the mall, will you excuse me?

No, no, no, no, I won't excuse you.

This is gonna be family night tonight.

(CHUCKLES) All right.

No, wait, you mean this family?

You're joking, right?

I wish I was.

(CHUCKLES) Michael, I'm sorry, we all have plans tonight.

I'm going to the flea market with Wanda.

And I was going to a sleepover.

Was. Was.

See, your mother took us to therapy today.

And while I was there, I was berated for an hour and a half

by her and shrinkerbell

because apparently I don't spend enough time with my family.

Thanks a lot, Mom.

Way to go, Mom.

What did I ever do to you?

Michael, that is not fair!

Fair? Come on, Jay.

I refuse to sit back and watch my family just scatter in the wind.

No game on tonight?

Travel day.

This family night thing sucks.

No, it doesn't, just get in to it.

Look, here, pick a hand.

Ouch!

(CHUCKLES) Wrong.

So, what's in the other hand?

Monopoly dice.

(BOOING) No!

No, no, no, I am not playing Monopoly with you, no.

Why not?

Because you always end up making everybody cry

and you steal money from the bank.

(CLICKS TONGUE) I do not steal...

All right, I take a little...

I'm in jail already, so I just borrow a couple...

Michael. That you cheat, that's what you do, you're a cheater.

All right, you know what, then y'all pick a game. What do y'all wanna play?

I wanna play bid whist .

I will tell y'all, let's play bid whist.

Biscuits? I love biscuits.

I can have a whole bowl of them. I can eat them all day.

Okay. (SCOFFS) Well, there goes that game.

Boy, you guys keep coming up with old people games.

Can we play something a little more youthful?

(EXCLAIMS)

I know. Let's play Twister.

Oh, come on, Dad, you know you're too old for that.

You can hardly tie your shoes.

Yeah, it's too much for your ancient body.

I will have you know that in high school

they used to call me Stretch Armstrong.

They also used to call you Jheri curl.

(ALL LAUGHING)

That's so funny I forgot to come home next week.

Dad, face it, you're too old and crinky.

I'm old and crinky? Well, let me tell you something.

Y'all move this table, I'm gonna show you how old and crinky you are.

Pull your chair out a little. Good. Let's play Twister.

Hey, somebody's sitting on me.

No, that's Dad's head.

Hey, Michael, stop cheating.

Not fair, resting on a baby like that.

Junior, get your butt out of my face.

Get your face out of my butt.

I'm the one in the line of fire.

Hey, will you two quit bickering?

Whose turn is it?

Daddy's.

(SCOFFS) Hurry up, I'm getting a cramp in my leg.

JAY: Me, too.

Junior, I'll give you $50 if you fart right now.

Will you please turn?

Okay, okay, hold on.

There it is.

Right hand, red.

Oh, boy, this is gonna be a tough one.

I think it's time to throw in the towel, old man.

You'll never be able to reach this.

(IN CHINESE ACCENT) Silence, grasshopper.

Never underestimate the dexterity and skills

of the Shaolin master.

Now, observe, oh, young moon-head,

the reverse muskrat stretch.

(EXCLAIMING)

Ow!

(LAUGHS)

You lose, muskrat.

Wanna show us that move again?

I can't move.

Oh, Michael, stop playing.

I'm serious, my back locked up.

Help me. Help me up.

Oh, come on, let's, kids.

Help me get Methuselah back up on the couch.

Got him? One, two, three.

(GRUNTS) Oh, my God!

Get him, get him, get him.

(GROANING)

Hey, Dad, you know, maybe next week we should try a game

that you can handle, like nap.

Or bird watching.

Or biscuits.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, you guys laugh it up.

Laugh at Daddy's demise. What? Hey, hey, hey.

You know what, this is what you get

for being so vindictive about therapy.

That's what you get.

Oh, you know what? What?

You remember this, Ms. Jay,

what goes around comes around and it comes back around.

It don't stop there 'cause it goes round and round and round,

and then it goes up, stops, comes back down, goes round and round

and it stops right at you.

I want all of y'all to remember that.

(GROANS)

Well, Doc?

Well, sir, you'll be happy to hear it's just a muscle spasm.

You just take a couple aspirin, you'll feel good as new.

Thank God. My lower back was killing me, Doc.

Yeah, well, you got lucky this time, Michael.

You're 40 years old now.

I don't know why you insist on playing games.

My professional recommendation

is you ignore the kids and just watch TV.

(SCOFFS) I'd try, but my wife and shrink won't let me.

Yeah. I'll bet they feel plenty guilty now.

Not as guilty as they're gonna feel, Doc.

You should have seen them laughing at me.

But I'm gonna get the last laugh

because he who laughs first,

laugh, laugh, last, last, last laugh, laugh last.

Codeine just kicked in, did it?

Like a blast from the past.

Yeah.

All right, we'll get you a heating pad,

get you stocked up on aspirin,

and I'll tell Jay you're good to go.

No, no, no, no. She was in on it, Doc.

I want her to suffer just like they're going to, okay?

And that's not the codeine talking.

This is the codeine talking.

(IN SINGSONG VOICE) I feel nice.

(HUMMING)

I feel good.

(GROANING) Hey, how are you feeling?

It's not good news, Jay.

No? No, I'm gonna need plenty of bed rest.

Oh. Mmm-hmm.

Help me, please.

Help me.

Okay, okay, okay. Who's this?

(IMITATING MICHAEL) Behold the Shaolin muskrat master.

Ow! My back! My back!

That's not funny. Dad could really be hurt.

Oh, nothing could hurt Dad.

I'm telling you, he's gonna come

leaping through that door any minute.

Michael, be careful, baby.

Michael!

Are you all right, Daddy?

Yeah.

It's just a subjugated, managerial, dilapidated,

disc collapse of the lower lumbar G3 area.

Otherwise known as right here.

Sounds terrible.

Baby, I really, really, really feel bad.

I feel like this is all my fault.

Yeah, it was.

But I was the one taunting you.

You sure did. It was evil.

I didn't do anything.

Well, technically,

if you would have let me rest my head on your back,

then none of this would have happened.

But, hey, I'm not petty.

I'm sorry, Daddy.

And you should be.

Because "sorry" doesn't get me out of this Rascal now, does it?

I guess I'll go upstairs and rest my weary bones.

Baby! What?

I'm sorry. My hand-eye-ear-nose- and-throat coordination

is a little affected by this.

Doctor said I'm gonna need plenty of rest.

And a whole lot of TLC.

Cool! You could hire a hot nurse

to give you sponge baths and take your temperature the baby way.

Why do I need a nurse when I have a dedicated wife

and four beautiful children?

There are only three kids.

You'll make me another one.

Babe, babe, babe! Oh!

Oh.

I got to get the hang of this little Rascal.

(GRUNTS)

Dad, do you need help?

Mmm-hmm.

Come on, Kady, put some muscle into it.

You act like you're scared of Daddy's unwashed feet.

I am. You already cut me with your big toe.

That's okay. Claire will get that for me.

I will? Sure.

After your feeding me, just bite that off for me, okay?

Ew!

Well, I guess I'll get it myself.

(GROANING)

It's all right, I'll clip it.

Okay.

You're so good to me.

Oh, boy!

You rang?

Yes. I think it's time for my Bengay back rub.

That's Mom's job.

But she's not here.

I guess I can

do it myself.

(GROANING)

Dad, don't strain your back.

Mom will be back in just a minute.

Sure, yeah. She's out shopping for your special foods.

Oh, good, 'cause I don't want that anymore.

My heart desires a nice,

fluffy egg white omelet with truffles.

Or some split pea soup.

Could you make that for your Dad, Son?

Dad, I just mowed the lawn,

cleaned out the garage and waxed your car.

I'm exhausted. Can I get a five-minute break, please?

I guess

I'll just make it myself.

(MOANING)

(EXCLAIMING)

Forget it, Dad, I'll make it.

Anything to get out of here.

Thank you, baby.

Son, I guess you pulled toenail duty.

Could you file down Daddy's bunion?

And wipe between that baby toe.

I think there's fungi growing.

I can't believe I traded omelets for foot duty.

Itch, itch, itch, itch.

Where is it this time?

The ear. This ear.

You can itch your ear.

Okay, I'll try.

(GROANING)

All right. All right, all right!

You sure?

All right. Okay.

Dad, can I have the five minutes or what?

Sure, Son. You deserve a break today.

- Thank you. - But wait.

Would you dump this for daddy?

I'm sorry it's so full,

but those truffles don't agree with me.

Dad is being such a brat.

Yeah, he said he wants this apple to be shiner than his head.

I'm gonna be here forever.

Okay, kids, I need for you to stop all this complaining.

This is partially our fault.

But does he have to be this annoying?

Okay, you know what, I think it's time for you girls to learn

what all grown women already know.

When men get sick, they act like big babies.

Women, on the other hand, have a much higher threshold for pain.

Why is that?

My theory is it has something to do with childbirth.

Once you live through a head like Junior's,

all pain pales in comparison.

I hope you're exaggerating about all men being babies.

Ma! Mommy, I cut my finger on Dad's toe!

Look! And there's a fungi in there.

(BELL RINGING)

MICHAEL: Oh, boy!

You forgot a bit of nail.

Please don't make me go back up there.

Every time I walk into that room

something horrible happens.

It's like The Exorcist.

That pea soup is too peasy, Son.

I guess you just have to make the lobster bisque from scratch, huh?

Junior, you're so good to your dad.

You can have the leftovers.

Boy, this is the best time of my life.

(MICHAEL GROANING)

Are you all right?

Oh, I tried to change position

and my back locked up on me.

Help. Michael.

(SIGHS) Help.

Why didn't you just call me?

Wait...

(GROANING)

Just sit back.

Why didn't you just call one of us, Michael?

Well, you know me, Jay, I don't like to complain.

Boy, those eggs are runny.

The toast looks a little burnt.

You poor baby.

Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.

You know, it's too bad you're still not feeling better, Michael,

'cause I really miss messing around with you.

Mmm.

I just felt movement.

You know, Jay, I...

I wouldn't mind enduring a little pain

if it would make you feel good.

Oh, my sweet, beautiful man.

Always willing to sacrifice for others.

Mmm-hmm.

I can't help it, I guess that's just the way I am.

Come on, climb aboard

The Little Engine That Could.

"I think I can, I think I can."

Nope. Sorry, I can't do that.

I can't risk messing up your back any more than it already is.

Besides, you need your rest.

(STAMMERING) But we can do it, like, slow, like physical therapy.

Sorry, no caboose for you.

So let me put it to you like this,

I think your father has been faking it this whole time.

I didn't know guys could do that.

I'm talking about his back, Junior.

Why do you say that?

Yeah, why?

Because he actually wanted to...

Never mind.

So did you call him on it, Mom?

Are you kidding me? He would never admit it.

This is your father we're talking about.

He would have 15 different explanations,

each one crazier than the last. No.

But this is what we got to do,

we got to beat him at his own game.

Monopoly?

Boy, what is wrong with you?

Here, Dad, I made your favorite,

double fudge nut cookies, from scratch.

(LAUGHING)

Bring them to Daddy.

JAY: Claire, I'm leaving for the mall, you'd better come on.

I'm coming. Wait...

Baby, I can't reach the cookies.

(SCOFFS)

(DOOR CREAKS)

(GROANING)

I should have never moved this leg.

(GROANS)

How ever am I gonna get the cookies?

Go, go, gadget putter!

Come here, cookie.

Oh.

Wait.

Oh, boy!

I need a cup of milk.

Go. Go.

Oh, my God! Halle Berry's doing a nude love scene

on the neighbor's front lawn.

(TURNS ON TV)

All right, watch this one. Yeah.

Oh, boy, now they're shooting a mud-wrestling scene

with Halle and Pam Anderson.

They're wearing little bikinis and tiny little...

Son, what do you think the chances are that anyone would believe

Halle Berry and Pam Anderson would be mud wrestling

in Stamford?

Hartford?

Just forget it, Junior. Just forget it.

He's too clever to be tricked anyway.

It's time to bring in some outside help.

Outside help? What do you mean?

I mean the one person who will annoy your father right out of that bed.

Ta-da!

Dr. Thomas?

Just call me Patch Adams and I'll call you The English Patient.

I'll leave you two alone.

I feel so good.

(SOBBING)

What is wrong with you?

Oh, that poor dear, he is so misunderstood.

He has worked so hard and he has suffered so much,

my heart is full.

That'll be $150 plus gas.

Why I got that Hummer, I will never know. Ta.

(SNIFFING)

Okay, Junior, that's enough smoke.

Okay, just go. Hurry up.

(SNIFFS) Fire. It's on fire. I got to...

The babies! I got to get the babies!

Come on, babies.

Hurry up! Fire! There's a fire!

ALL: Aha!

No fire?

No! There's only a liar.

That's you, Daddy!

(STAMMERING) Wait, wait. I can explain, look...

(EXCLAIMING)

Ow!

Ow!

(GROANING)

(SIGHS)

Michael, are you faking it again?

Jay, why would I be faking, huh?

How do I know?

You saw me fall down the stairs.

Why would I fake that, hmm?

Okay, maybe you're right.

But I guess you wouldn't be interested in fooling around then, huh?

You really don't believe me, do you?

Just answer the question, Michael.

Can you endure the pain and make me feel good?

That is the offer you made me yesterday, isn't it?

Well, this stiff neck just got lower.

Only if it will make you feel better,

I'm willing to sacrifice.

Okay, let's see how hurt you really are.

(EXCLAIMS)

(MICHAEL GROANING) (JAY KISSING)

MICHAEL: Yeah, do that again.

JAY: Oh, you like that, huh?

Oh! That hurt!

Ahhh! No... No, don't... Don't...

Are you faking it again?

Jay, why would I fake it?

What?

I wouldn't get...

Hi... Yeah, master...

Jay, why would I be faking it, huh?