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1
00:00:04,872 --> 00:00:06,772
THOMAS: What's
the problem here?
2
00:00:06,807 --> 00:00:09,107
Lately I've been
feeling as if
Michael hasn't been
3
00:00:09,143 --> 00:00:10,813
spending enough time
with his family.
4
00:00:10,844 --> 00:00:12,214
What are you
talking about?
5
00:00:12,246 --> 00:00:13,706
I'm always
with the family.
6
00:00:13,747 --> 00:00:15,677
I go to work
and I come home
with the family.
7
00:00:15,716 --> 00:00:18,216
I can't get away
from that damn family.
8
00:00:18,252 --> 00:00:19,452
Okay, you're there
physically,
9
00:00:19,487 --> 00:00:21,687
yeah, Michael,
but not emotionally.
10
00:00:21,722 --> 00:00:23,692
Why do you withdraw,
Michael?
11
00:00:23,724 --> 00:00:26,094
She doesn't wanna
get pregnant.
12
00:00:26,127 --> 00:00:28,427
Look, I'm the one
that keeps order
in that house.
13
00:00:28,462 --> 00:00:31,432
If it wasn't for me,
it would be pure chaos,
and you know that.
14
00:00:31,465 --> 00:00:34,595
Okay, okay.
When was the last time
you sat Junior down
15
00:00:34,635 --> 00:00:36,665
and asked him
how he feels
about things?
16
00:00:36,704 --> 00:00:39,074
(SCOFFS) Who cares
what Junior feels?
17
00:00:39,107 --> 00:00:41,807
The only thing
Junior feels is Junior.
18
00:00:41,842 --> 00:00:43,642
Michael,
in a blink of an eye
19
00:00:43,677 --> 00:00:45,407
these kids
are gonna be grown
and out of the house
20
00:00:45,446 --> 00:00:47,776
and you will have
missed it all.
21
00:00:47,815 --> 00:00:50,215
They gone yet?
22
00:00:50,251 --> 00:00:52,651
Michael, what Jay's
trying to tell you
is it's not enough
23
00:00:52,686 --> 00:00:54,716
that you're
the peacekeeper
in the family.
24
00:00:54,755 --> 00:00:57,685
You have to open
yourself emotionally,
like a can of cat food.
25
00:00:57,725 --> 00:00:59,855
Let me tell you
what Joseph and I do.
26
00:00:59,893 --> 00:01:03,133
Wait, hold on. You, Joseph,
and a can of cat chow
sounds too frisky for me.
27
00:01:05,799 --> 00:01:08,299
No, silly,
we have family day.
28
00:01:08,336 --> 00:01:11,206
Once a week, Joseph and I
and Barbra, Bette and Liza
go to the park.
29
00:01:11,239 --> 00:01:12,309
Barbra, Bette and Liza?
30
00:01:12,340 --> 00:01:13,640
Are my three spaniels.
31
00:01:13,674 --> 00:01:16,184
We throw them Frisbees,
we stuff our faces,
32
00:01:16,210 --> 00:01:19,180
we play with our cockers
and we go home.
33
00:01:19,213 --> 00:01:21,653
That's exactly what
I'm talking about, Michael,
34
00:01:21,682 --> 00:01:24,252
dedicating some
family fun time.
35
00:01:24,285 --> 00:01:26,185
Why couldn't you
tell me that at home?
36
00:01:26,220 --> 00:01:27,860
Why did we have
to come here?
37
00:01:27,888 --> 00:01:30,288
Michael, listen,
spending time
with family
38
00:01:30,324 --> 00:01:33,264
is more important
than making money.
The fact is...
39
00:01:33,294 --> 00:01:35,634
(BELL DINGS)
Oh, time's up.
40
00:01:35,663 --> 00:01:38,433
That'll be $150.
Pay Josie on the way out.
41
00:01:45,839 --> 00:01:48,179
Mmm. Baby,
this food is amazing.
42
00:01:48,209 --> 00:01:49,739
When it comes to
cooking up some vittles,
43
00:01:49,777 --> 00:01:51,907
my girl throws down.
44
00:01:51,945 --> 00:01:54,245
Thank you, honey.
45
00:01:54,282 --> 00:01:56,852
Yes, I'm telling you,
this beef Stroganoff is
really saying something.
46
00:01:56,884 --> 00:01:58,794
Yeah, it's saying,
"I'm meatloaf."
47
00:01:58,819 --> 00:01:59,949
Ooh.
48
00:01:59,987 --> 00:02:01,817
I got to meet John
at the mall,
will you excuse me?
49
00:02:01,855 --> 00:02:03,715
No, no, no, no,
I won't excuse you.
50
00:02:03,757 --> 00:02:05,357
This is gonna be
family night tonight.
51
00:02:05,393 --> 00:02:06,833
(CHUCKLES) All right.
52
00:02:06,860 --> 00:02:09,400
No, wait,
you mean this family?
53
00:02:09,430 --> 00:02:10,730
You're joking, right?
54
00:02:10,764 --> 00:02:12,034
I wish I was.
55
00:02:12,065 --> 00:02:14,235
(CHUCKLES) Michael,
I'm sorry, we all
have plans tonight.
56
00:02:14,268 --> 00:02:15,838
I'm going to
the flea market
with Wanda.
57
00:02:15,869 --> 00:02:17,739
And I was going
to a sleepover.
58
00:02:17,771 --> 00:02:19,341
Was. Was.
59
00:02:19,373 --> 00:02:22,213
See,
your mother took us
to therapy today.
60
00:02:22,210 --> 00:02:25,310
And while I was there,
I was berated for
an hour and a half
61
00:02:25,346 --> 00:02:26,946
by her
and shrinkerbell
62
00:02:26,980 --> 00:02:29,850
because apparently
I don't spend enough
time with my family.
63
00:02:29,883 --> 00:02:30,923
Thanks a lot, Mom.
64
00:02:30,951 --> 00:02:32,251
Way to go, Mom.
65
00:02:32,286 --> 00:02:34,386
What did I ever
do to you?
66
00:02:34,422 --> 00:02:36,392
Michael,
that is not fair!
67
00:02:36,424 --> 00:02:37,794
Fair? Come on, Jay.
68
00:02:37,825 --> 00:02:41,825
I refuse to sit back
and watch my family just
scatter in the wind.
69
00:02:41,862 --> 00:02:43,232
No game on tonight?
70
00:02:43,264 --> 00:02:44,704
Travel day.
71
00:02:49,737 --> 00:02:51,307
This family night
thing sucks.
72
00:02:51,339 --> 00:02:53,239
No, it doesn't,
just get in to it.
73
00:02:53,241 --> 00:02:55,241
Look, here,
pick a hand.
74
00:02:56,244 --> 00:02:57,314
Ouch!
75
00:02:57,345 --> 00:02:58,705
(CHUCKLES) Wrong.
76
00:02:58,746 --> 00:03:00,846
So, what's in
the other hand?
77
00:03:00,881 --> 00:03:02,921
Monopoly dice.
78
00:03:02,950 --> 00:03:04,690
(BOOING)
No!
79
00:03:04,718 --> 00:03:08,258
No, no, no, I am not
playing Monopoly
with you, no.
80
00:03:08,289 --> 00:03:09,659
Why not?
81
00:03:09,690 --> 00:03:10,890
Because you always
end up making
everybody cry
82
00:03:10,924 --> 00:03:12,634
and you steal money
from the bank.
83
00:03:12,660 --> 00:03:14,430
(CLICKS TONGUE)
I do not steal...
84
00:03:14,462 --> 00:03:15,862
All right,
I take a little...
85
00:03:15,896 --> 00:03:17,966
I'm in jail already,
so I just borrow
a couple...
86
00:03:17,998 --> 00:03:22,868
Michael. That you cheat,
that's what you do,
you're a cheater.
87
00:03:22,903 --> 00:03:25,673
All right, you know what,
then y'all pick a game.
What do y'all wanna play?
88
00:03:25,706 --> 00:03:27,276
I wanna play bid whist .
89
00:03:27,308 --> 00:03:29,008
I will tell y'all,
let's play bid whist.
90
00:03:29,042 --> 00:03:31,652
Biscuits?
I love biscuits.
91
00:03:31,679 --> 00:03:34,819
I can have
a whole bowl of them.
I can eat them all day.
92
00:03:34,848 --> 00:03:37,588
Okay.
(SCOFFS) Well,
there goes that game.
93
00:03:37,618 --> 00:03:39,848
Boy, you guys keep
coming up with
old people games.
94
00:03:39,887 --> 00:03:41,757
Can we play something
a little more youthful?
95
00:03:41,789 --> 00:03:42,819
(EXCLAIMS)
96
00:03:42,856 --> 00:03:46,986
I know.
Let's play Twister.
97
00:03:47,027 --> 00:03:49,397
Oh, come on, Dad,
you know you're
too old for that.
98
00:03:49,430 --> 00:03:52,000
You can hardly
tie your shoes.
99
00:03:52,032 --> 00:03:55,842
Yeah, it's too much
for your ancient body.
100
00:03:55,869 --> 00:03:58,709
I will have you know
that in high school
101
00:03:58,739 --> 00:04:02,639
they used to call me
Stretch Armstrong.
102
00:04:02,676 --> 00:04:05,606
They also used to
call you Jheri curl.
103
00:04:06,314 --> 00:04:07,754
(ALL LAUGHING)
104
00:04:07,781 --> 00:04:10,851
That's so funny
I forgot to come home
next week.
105
00:04:13,387 --> 00:04:16,317
Dad, face it,
you're too old
and crinky.
106
00:04:16,357 --> 00:04:19,557
I'm old and crinky?
Well, let me
tell you something.
107
00:04:19,593 --> 00:04:21,833
Y'all move this table,
I'm gonna show you how
old and crinky you are.
108
00:04:21,862 --> 00:04:24,002
Pull your chair out
a little. Good.
Let's play Twister.
109
00:04:26,900 --> 00:04:29,600
Hey, somebody's
sitting on me.
110
00:04:29,637 --> 00:04:31,067
No, that's Dad's head.
111
00:04:31,104 --> 00:04:31,974
Hey, Michael,
stop cheating.
112
00:04:32,005 --> 00:04:34,335
Not fair, resting
on a baby like that.
113
00:04:34,375 --> 00:04:36,335
Junior, get your butt
out of my face.
114
00:04:36,344 --> 00:04:37,754
Get your face
out of my butt.
115
00:04:37,778 --> 00:04:38,948
I'm the one
in the line of fire.
116
00:04:38,979 --> 00:04:40,949
Hey, will you two
quit bickering?
117
00:04:40,981 --> 00:04:42,351
Whose turn
is it?
118
00:04:42,350 --> 00:04:43,850
Daddy's.
119
00:04:43,884 --> 00:04:45,054
(SCOFFS) Hurry up,
I'm getting a cramp
in my leg.
120
00:04:45,085 --> 00:04:46,615
JAY: Me, too.
121
00:04:46,654 --> 00:04:49,394
Junior, I'll give you $50
if you fart right now.
122
00:04:51,992 --> 00:04:53,732
Will you please turn?
123
00:04:53,761 --> 00:04:55,601
Okay, okay, hold on.
124
00:04:57,598 --> 00:04:59,528
There it is.
125
00:04:59,567 --> 00:05:01,067
Right hand, red.
126
00:05:01,101 --> 00:05:03,771
Oh, boy,
this is gonna be
a tough one.
127
00:05:03,804 --> 00:05:05,874
I think it's time
to throw in the towel,
old man.
128
00:05:05,906 --> 00:05:07,876
You'll never be able
to reach this.
129
00:05:07,908 --> 00:05:10,038
(IN CHINESE ACCENT)
Silence, grasshopper.
130
00:05:10,077 --> 00:05:13,977
Never underestimate
the dexterity and skills
131
00:05:14,014 --> 00:05:15,624
of the Shaolin master.
132
00:05:15,649 --> 00:05:18,619
Now, observe,
oh, young moon-head,
133
00:05:18,652 --> 00:05:21,662
the reverse
muskrat stretch.
134
00:05:21,689 --> 00:05:23,589
(EXCLAIMING)
135
00:05:24,057 --> 00:05:25,387
Ow!
136
00:05:26,394 --> 00:05:28,004
(LAUGHS)
137
00:05:28,028 --> 00:05:30,858
You lose, muskrat.
138
00:05:30,898 --> 00:05:32,898
Wanna show us
that move again?
139
00:05:32,933 --> 00:05:34,103
I can't move.
140
00:05:34,134 --> 00:05:35,704
Oh, Michael,
stop playing.
141
00:05:35,736 --> 00:05:37,706
I'm serious,
my back locked up.
142
00:05:37,738 --> 00:05:38,938
Help me.
Help me up.
143
00:05:38,972 --> 00:05:40,142
Oh, come on,
let's, kids.
144
00:05:40,173 --> 00:05:42,943
Help me get Methuselah
back up on the couch.
145
00:05:43,944 --> 00:05:45,054
Got him? One, two, three.
146
00:05:45,078 --> 00:05:46,708
(GRUNTS) Oh, my God!
147
00:05:46,747 --> 00:05:47,847
Get him,
get him, get him.
148
00:05:50,984 --> 00:05:53,524
(GROANING)
149
00:05:53,554 --> 00:05:56,094
Hey, Dad, you know,
maybe next week
we should try a game
150
00:05:56,123 --> 00:05:58,633
that you can handle,
like nap.
151
00:05:59,727 --> 00:06:01,597
Or bird watching.
152
00:06:01,629 --> 00:06:02,499
Or biscuits.
153
00:06:02,530 --> 00:06:05,070
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, you guys laugh it up.
154
00:06:05,098 --> 00:06:07,598
Laugh at Daddy's
demise. What?
Hey, hey, hey.
155
00:06:07,635 --> 00:06:09,135
You know what,
this is what you get
156
00:06:09,169 --> 00:06:11,539
for being so vindictive
about therapy.
157
00:06:11,572 --> 00:06:12,612
That's what you get.
158
00:06:12,640 --> 00:06:13,870
Oh, you know what?
What?
159
00:06:13,907 --> 00:06:15,677
You remember this,
Ms. Jay,
160
00:06:15,709 --> 00:06:18,549
what goes around
comes around and
it comes back around.
161
00:06:18,579 --> 00:06:21,879
It don't stop there
'cause it goes round
and round and round,
162
00:06:21,915 --> 00:06:26,545
and then it goes up,
stops, comes back down,
goes round and round
163
00:06:26,587 --> 00:06:27,987
and it stops
right at you.
164
00:06:28,021 --> 00:06:29,791
I want all of y'all
to remember that.
165
00:06:29,823 --> 00:06:30,823
(GROANS)
166
00:06:34,995 --> 00:06:36,695
Well, Doc?
167
00:06:36,730 --> 00:06:39,530
Well, sir,
you'll be happy to hear
it's just a muscle spasm.
168
00:06:39,567 --> 00:06:41,767
You just take a couple
aspirin, you'll feel
good as new.
169
00:06:41,802 --> 00:06:43,942
Thank God.
My lower back was
killing me, Doc.
170
00:06:43,971 --> 00:06:45,741
Yeah, well, you got
lucky this time, Michael.
171
00:06:45,773 --> 00:06:47,583
You're 40 years old now.
172
00:06:47,608 --> 00:06:50,008
I don't know
why you insist
on playing games.
173
00:06:50,043 --> 00:06:51,913
My professional
recommendation
174
00:06:51,945 --> 00:06:54,545
is you ignore the kids
and just watch TV.
175
00:06:54,582 --> 00:06:57,922
(SCOFFS) I'd try,
but my wife and
shrink won't let me.
176
00:06:57,951 --> 00:07:00,551
Yeah. I'll bet
they feel plenty
guilty now.
177
00:07:00,588 --> 00:07:02,488
Not as guilty
as they're
gonna feel, Doc.
178
00:07:02,523 --> 00:07:03,993
You should
have seen them
laughing at me.
179
00:07:04,024 --> 00:07:05,594
But I'm gonna get
the last laugh
180
00:07:05,626 --> 00:07:07,086
because he who
laughs first,
181
00:07:07,127 --> 00:07:10,797
laugh, laugh, last, last,
last laugh, laugh last.
182
00:07:10,831 --> 00:07:12,771
Codeine just kicked in,
did it?
183
00:07:12,800 --> 00:07:14,000
Like a blast
from the past.
184
00:07:14,034 --> 00:07:16,504
Yeah.
185
00:07:16,504 --> 00:07:17,744
All right,
we'll get you
a heating pad,
186
00:07:17,771 --> 00:07:18,941
get you stocked up
on aspirin,
187
00:07:18,972 --> 00:07:20,512
and I'll tell Jay
you're good to go.
188
00:07:20,541 --> 00:07:22,081
No, no, no, no.
She was in on it, Doc.
189
00:07:22,109 --> 00:07:25,509
I want her to suffer
just like they're
going to, okay?
190
00:07:27,515 --> 00:07:29,245
And that's not
the codeine talking.
191
00:07:29,282 --> 00:07:30,822
This is
the codeine talking.
192
00:07:30,851 --> 00:07:32,091
(IN SINGSONG VOICE)
I feel nice.
193
00:07:32,119 --> 00:07:33,949
(HUMMING)
194
00:07:33,987 --> 00:07:36,257
I feel good.
195
00:07:36,289 --> 00:07:38,059
(GROANING)
Hey, how are
you feeling?
196
00:07:39,560 --> 00:07:41,700
It's not good news, Jay.
197
00:07:41,729 --> 00:07:44,699
No?
No, I'm gonna need
plenty of bed rest.
198
00:07:44,732 --> 00:07:46,532
Oh.
Mmm-hmm.
199
00:07:46,567 --> 00:07:47,997
Help me, please.
200
00:07:49,570 --> 00:07:50,700
Help me.
201
00:07:58,879 --> 00:08:00,949
Okay, okay, okay.
Who's this?
202
00:08:00,981 --> 00:08:04,951
(IMITATING MICHAEL)
Behold the Shaolin
muskrat master.
203
00:08:04,985 --> 00:08:08,715
Ow! My back! My back!
204
00:08:08,756 --> 00:08:11,556
That's not funny.
Dad could really be hurt.
205
00:08:11,559 --> 00:08:12,859
Oh, nothing
could hurt Dad.
206
00:08:12,893 --> 00:08:13,993
I'm telling you,
he's gonna come
207
00:08:14,027 --> 00:08:15,897
leaping through
that door any minute.
208
00:08:15,929 --> 00:08:17,599
Michael,
be careful, baby.
209
00:08:17,631 --> 00:08:18,801
Michael!
210
00:08:22,970 --> 00:08:24,870
Are you all right,
Daddy?
211
00:08:24,905 --> 00:08:25,865
Yeah.
212
00:08:25,906 --> 00:08:29,006
It's just a subjugated,
managerial, dilapidated,
213
00:08:29,042 --> 00:08:32,912
disc collapse
of the lower lumbar
G3 area.
214
00:08:32,946 --> 00:08:35,576
Otherwise known
as right here.
215
00:08:37,284 --> 00:08:38,994
Sounds terrible.
216
00:08:39,019 --> 00:08:41,589
Baby, I really,
really, really
feel bad.
217
00:08:41,589 --> 00:08:43,289
I feel like
this is all my fault.
218
00:08:43,323 --> 00:08:44,833
Yeah, it was.
219
00:08:45,993 --> 00:08:47,803
But I was the one
taunting you.
220
00:08:47,828 --> 00:08:49,828
You sure did.
It was evil.
221
00:08:51,665 --> 00:08:53,265
I didn't do anything.
222
00:08:53,300 --> 00:08:55,770
Well, technically,
223
00:08:56,970 --> 00:08:59,610
if you would have
let me rest my head
on your back,
224
00:08:59,607 --> 00:09:01,707
then none of this
would have happened.
225
00:09:01,742 --> 00:09:03,942
But, hey,
I'm not petty.
226
00:09:05,679 --> 00:09:07,279
I'm sorry, Daddy.
227
00:09:07,314 --> 00:09:09,354
And you should be.
228
00:09:09,382 --> 00:09:13,052
Because "sorry" doesn't
get me out of this
Rascal now, does it?
229
00:09:15,022 --> 00:09:18,262
I guess I'll go upstairs
and rest my weary bones.
230
00:09:18,291 --> 00:09:19,491
Baby!
What?
231
00:09:19,526 --> 00:09:22,656
I'm sorry.
My hand-eye-ear-nose-
and-throat coordination
232
00:09:22,696 --> 00:09:24,866
is a little affected
by this.
233
00:09:24,898 --> 00:09:28,198
Doctor said
I'm gonna need
plenty of rest.
234
00:09:28,235 --> 00:09:30,935
And a whole lot of TLC.
235
00:09:30,971 --> 00:09:32,871
Cool! You could
hire a hot nurse
236
00:09:32,906 --> 00:09:35,876
to give you sponge baths
and take your temperature
the baby way.
237
00:09:38,879 --> 00:09:42,319
Why do I need a nurse
when I have a dedicated wife
238
00:09:42,349 --> 00:09:44,649
and four
beautiful children?
239
00:09:46,687 --> 00:09:48,817
There are only
three kids.
240
00:09:48,856 --> 00:09:50,886
You'll make me
another one.
241
00:09:53,727 --> 00:09:55,727
Babe, babe, babe!
Oh!
242
00:09:56,263 --> 00:09:58,073
Oh.
243
00:09:58,098 --> 00:10:01,028
I got to get the hang
of this little Rascal.
244
00:10:02,670 --> 00:10:03,840
(GRUNTS)
245
00:10:05,773 --> 00:10:06,873
Dad, do you
need help?
246
00:10:06,907 --> 00:10:08,077
Mmm-hmm.
247
00:10:26,293 --> 00:10:28,763
Come on, Kady,
put some muscle
into it.
248
00:10:28,796 --> 00:10:32,026
You act like you're
scared of Daddy's
unwashed feet.
249
00:10:32,065 --> 00:10:35,735
I am. You already cut me
with your big toe.
250
00:10:35,769 --> 00:10:37,769
That's okay.
Claire will
get that for me.
251
00:10:37,805 --> 00:10:38,935
I will?
Sure.
252
00:10:38,972 --> 00:10:42,282
After your feeding me,
just bite that off
for me, okay?
253
00:10:42,309 --> 00:10:44,179
Ew!
254
00:10:44,211 --> 00:10:46,951
Well, I guess
I'll get it myself.
255
00:10:46,980 --> 00:10:49,180
(GROANING)
256
00:10:49,216 --> 00:10:51,076
It's all right,
I'll clip it.
257
00:10:51,118 --> 00:10:52,218
Okay.
258
00:10:54,021 --> 00:10:55,721
You're so good to me.
259
00:10:58,726 --> 00:11:00,426
Oh, boy!
260
00:11:03,731 --> 00:11:05,231
You rang?
261
00:11:05,265 --> 00:11:09,195
Yes. I think it's time
for my Bengay back rub.
262
00:11:09,236 --> 00:11:11,066
That's Mom's job.
263
00:11:11,104 --> 00:11:12,744
But she's not here.
264
00:11:13,340 --> 00:11:15,080
I guess I can
265
00:11:15,442 --> 00:11:17,182
do it myself.
266
00:11:18,145 --> 00:11:20,005
(GROANING)
267
00:11:22,249 --> 00:11:23,479
Dad, don't strain
your back.
268
00:11:23,516 --> 00:11:25,146
Mom will be back
in just a minute.
269
00:11:25,185 --> 00:11:27,215
Sure, yeah.
She's out shopping
for your special foods.
270
00:11:27,254 --> 00:11:30,464
Oh, good,
'cause I don't
want that anymore.
271
00:11:30,490 --> 00:11:33,090
My heart desires a nice,
272
00:11:33,126 --> 00:11:36,256
fluffy egg white omelet
with truffles.
273
00:11:36,296 --> 00:11:38,266
Or some split pea soup.
274
00:11:38,298 --> 00:11:41,128
Could you make that
for your Dad, Son?
275
00:11:42,135 --> 00:11:44,095
Dad, I just
mowed the lawn,
276
00:11:44,137 --> 00:11:46,237
cleaned out the garage
and waxed your car.
277
00:11:46,273 --> 00:11:49,943
I'm exhausted.
Can I get a five-minute
break, please?
278
00:11:49,977 --> 00:11:51,337
I guess
279
00:11:51,378 --> 00:11:54,348
I'll just
make it myself.
280
00:11:55,248 --> 00:11:56,448
(MOANING)
281
00:11:56,483 --> 00:11:58,923
(EXCLAIMING)
282
00:11:58,952 --> 00:12:01,022
Forget it, Dad,
I'll make it.
283
00:12:01,054 --> 00:12:02,894
Anything to
get out of here.
284
00:12:02,923 --> 00:12:05,063
Thank you, baby.
285
00:12:05,092 --> 00:12:08,332
Son, I guess
you pulled toenail duty.
286
00:12:08,361 --> 00:12:11,031
Could you file down
Daddy's bunion?
287
00:12:11,064 --> 00:12:12,434
And wipe between
that baby toe.
288
00:12:12,465 --> 00:12:15,995
I think there's
fungi growing.
289
00:12:16,036 --> 00:12:18,436
I can't believe
I traded omelets
for foot duty.
290
00:12:18,471 --> 00:12:20,441
Itch, itch,
itch, itch.
291
00:12:20,473 --> 00:12:22,183
Where is it
this time?
292
00:12:22,209 --> 00:12:23,479
The ear. This ear.
293
00:12:23,510 --> 00:12:25,380
You can itch
your ear.
294
00:12:25,412 --> 00:12:27,452
Okay, I'll try.
295
00:12:27,480 --> 00:12:30,280
(GROANING)
296
00:12:30,317 --> 00:12:32,117
All right.
All right,
all right!
297
00:12:32,152 --> 00:12:33,292
You sure?
298
00:12:33,320 --> 00:12:34,960
All right.
Okay.
299
00:12:42,029 --> 00:12:43,899
Dad, can I have
the five minutes or what?
300
00:12:43,931 --> 00:12:47,401
Sure, Son.
You deserve a break today.
301
00:12:47,434 --> 00:12:49,544
- Thank you.
- But wait.
302
00:12:49,569 --> 00:12:52,469
Would you dump this
for daddy?
303
00:12:54,274 --> 00:12:56,414
I'm sorry it's
so full,
304
00:12:56,443 --> 00:12:59,853
but those truffles
don't agree with me.
305
00:13:05,452 --> 00:13:06,692
Dad is being
such a brat.
306
00:13:06,719 --> 00:13:10,889
Yeah, he said he wants
this apple to be shiner
than his head.
307
00:13:10,924 --> 00:13:12,864
I'm gonna be here
forever.
308
00:13:12,893 --> 00:13:15,033
Okay, kids,
I need for you to stop
all this complaining.
309
00:13:15,062 --> 00:13:16,862
This is partially
our fault.
310
00:13:16,864 --> 00:13:18,874
But does he have
to be this annoying?
311
00:13:18,866 --> 00:13:20,966
Okay, you know what,
I think it's time
for you girls to learn
312
00:13:21,001 --> 00:13:22,871
what all grown women
already know.
313
00:13:22,870 --> 00:13:25,440
When men get sick,
they act like
big babies.
314
00:13:25,472 --> 00:13:27,912
Women, on the other hand,
have a much higher
threshold for pain.
315
00:13:27,941 --> 00:13:29,041
Why is that?
316
00:13:29,076 --> 00:13:31,536
My theory is
it has something to do
with childbirth.
317
00:13:31,578 --> 00:13:33,548
Once you live through
a head like Junior's,
318
00:13:33,580 --> 00:13:36,080
all pain pales
in comparison.
319
00:13:36,116 --> 00:13:39,046
I hope you're
exaggerating about
all men being babies.
320
00:13:39,086 --> 00:13:43,016
Ma! Mommy,
I cut my finger
on Dad's toe!
321
00:13:43,056 --> 00:13:45,226
Look! And there's a fungi
in there.
322
00:13:45,993 --> 00:13:48,133
(BELL RINGING)
323
00:13:48,161 --> 00:13:50,101
MICHAEL: Oh, boy!
324
00:13:50,130 --> 00:13:52,470
You forgot a bit of nail.
325
00:13:54,001 --> 00:13:56,371
Please don't make me
go back up there.
326
00:13:56,403 --> 00:13:57,543
Every time I walk
into that room
327
00:13:57,570 --> 00:13:59,110
something horrible
happens.
328
00:13:59,139 --> 00:14:00,169
It's like
The Exorcist.
329
00:14:04,978 --> 00:14:08,078
That pea soup
is too peasy, Son.
330
00:14:10,683 --> 00:14:14,553
I guess you just have to
make the lobster bisque
from scratch, huh?
331
00:14:18,391 --> 00:14:22,461
Junior, you're so good
to your dad.
332
00:14:26,399 --> 00:14:28,439
You can have
the leftovers.
333
00:14:32,139 --> 00:14:34,639
Boy, this is
the best time
of my life.
334
00:14:41,414 --> 00:14:43,024
(MICHAEL GROANING)
335
00:14:43,050 --> 00:14:44,120
Are you all right?
336
00:14:44,151 --> 00:14:46,021
Oh, I tried to
change position
337
00:14:46,053 --> 00:14:48,023
and my back
locked up on me.
338
00:14:48,055 --> 00:14:49,515
Help.
Michael.
339
00:14:49,556 --> 00:14:50,686
(SIGHS)
Help.
340
00:14:50,723 --> 00:14:51,993
Why didn't you
just call me?
341
00:14:52,025 --> 00:14:53,025
Wait...
342
00:14:53,060 --> 00:14:54,590
(GROANING)
343
00:14:54,627 --> 00:14:56,097
Just sit back.
344
00:14:56,129 --> 00:14:58,099
Why didn't you just
call one of us, Michael?
345
00:14:58,131 --> 00:15:01,401
Well, you know me, Jay,
I don't like to complain.
346
00:15:03,370 --> 00:15:05,970
Boy, those eggs
are runny.
347
00:15:05,973 --> 00:15:08,383
The toast looks
a little burnt.
348
00:15:09,042 --> 00:15:10,712
You poor baby.
349
00:15:10,743 --> 00:15:12,983
Mmm-hmm.
Mmm-hmm.
350
00:15:12,980 --> 00:15:15,120
You know, it's too bad
you're still not feeling
better, Michael,
351
00:15:15,148 --> 00:15:18,488
'cause I really miss
messing around with you.
352
00:15:18,518 --> 00:15:19,648
Mmm.
353
00:15:22,122 --> 00:15:23,992
I just felt movement.
354
00:15:25,092 --> 00:15:26,492
You know, Jay, I...
355
00:15:26,526 --> 00:15:28,656
I wouldn't mind
enduring a little pain
356
00:15:28,695 --> 00:15:31,425
if it would
make you feel good.
357
00:15:31,464 --> 00:15:34,034
Oh, my sweet,
beautiful man.
358
00:15:34,067 --> 00:15:36,397
Always willing to
sacrifice for others.
359
00:15:36,436 --> 00:15:38,006
Mmm-hmm.
360
00:15:38,038 --> 00:15:42,008
I can't help it,
I guess that's just
the way I am.
361
00:15:45,112 --> 00:15:46,752
Come on,
climb aboard
362
00:15:46,779 --> 00:15:48,549
The Little Engine
That Could.
363
00:15:48,581 --> 00:15:50,621
"I think I can,
I think I can."
364
00:15:50,650 --> 00:15:52,390
Nope. Sorry,
I can't do that.
365
00:15:52,419 --> 00:15:55,059
I can't risk messing up
your back any more than
it already is.
366
00:15:55,088 --> 00:15:56,418
Besides,
you need your rest.
367
00:15:56,456 --> 00:16:00,556
(STAMMERING) But
we can do it, like, slow,
like physical therapy.
368
00:16:00,593 --> 00:16:02,603
Sorry, no caboose for you.
369
00:16:05,432 --> 00:16:06,632
So let me
put it to you
like this,
370
00:16:06,666 --> 00:16:10,366
I think your father
has been faking it
this whole time.
371
00:16:10,403 --> 00:16:12,743
I didn't know
guys could do that.
372
00:16:12,772 --> 00:16:14,472
I'm talking about
his back, Junior.
373
00:16:15,475 --> 00:16:16,635
Why do you say that?
374
00:16:16,676 --> 00:16:18,346
Yeah, why?
375
00:16:18,378 --> 00:16:20,548
Because he
actually wanted to...
376
00:16:21,448 --> 00:16:23,418
Never mind.
377
00:16:23,450 --> 00:16:24,650
So did you call him
on it, Mom?
378
00:16:24,684 --> 00:16:26,694
Are you kidding me?
He would never admit it.
379
00:16:26,719 --> 00:16:28,059
This is your father
we're talking about.
380
00:16:28,088 --> 00:16:30,358
He would have
15 different explanations,
381
00:16:30,390 --> 00:16:32,490
each one crazier
than the last. No.
382
00:16:32,525 --> 00:16:33,585
But this is what
we got to do,
383
00:16:33,626 --> 00:16:35,596
we got to beat him
at his own game.
384
00:16:35,628 --> 00:16:37,058
Monopoly?
385
00:16:38,631 --> 00:16:40,701
Boy, what is
wrong with you?
386
00:16:44,571 --> 00:16:46,411
Here, Dad,
I made your favorite,
387
00:16:46,439 --> 00:16:48,639
double fudge nut cookies,
from scratch.
388
00:16:48,675 --> 00:16:50,475
(LAUGHING)
389
00:16:50,510 --> 00:16:52,350
Bring them to Daddy.
390
00:16:52,379 --> 00:16:54,349
JAY: Claire,
I'm leaving for the mall,
you'd better come on.
391
00:16:54,381 --> 00:16:55,621
I'm coming.
Wait...
392
00:16:55,648 --> 00:16:57,448
Baby, I can't reach
the cookies.
393
00:17:01,454 --> 00:17:02,664
(SCOFFS)
394
00:17:03,690 --> 00:17:04,690
(DOOR CREAKS)
395
00:17:08,328 --> 00:17:10,428
(GROANING)
396
00:17:10,463 --> 00:17:12,773
I should have
never moved this leg.
397
00:17:13,533 --> 00:17:15,243
(GROANS)
398
00:17:15,268 --> 00:17:17,638
How ever am I
gonna get the cookies?
399
00:17:20,440 --> 00:17:22,480
Go, go,
gadget putter!
400
00:17:25,445 --> 00:17:27,275
Come here, cookie.
401
00:17:31,484 --> 00:17:32,524
Oh.
402
00:17:32,552 --> 00:17:33,652
Wait.
403
00:17:34,754 --> 00:17:36,324
Oh, boy!
404
00:17:36,823 --> 00:17:38,763
I need a cup of milk.
405
00:17:41,761 --> 00:17:43,631
Go. Go.
406
00:17:43,663 --> 00:17:45,633
Oh, my God!
Halle Berry's doing
a nude love scene
407
00:17:45,665 --> 00:17:47,325
on the neighbor's
front lawn.
408
00:17:49,302 --> 00:17:50,702
(TURNS ON TV)
409
00:17:50,737 --> 00:17:52,567
All right,
watch this one.
Yeah.
410
00:17:52,605 --> 00:17:55,535
Oh, boy,
now they're shooting
a mud-wrestling scene
411
00:17:55,575 --> 00:17:57,505
with Halle
and Pam Anderson.
412
00:17:57,544 --> 00:18:01,284
They're wearing
little bikinis
and tiny little...
413
00:18:01,314 --> 00:18:05,224
Son, what do you think
the chances are that
anyone would believe
414
00:18:05,252 --> 00:18:07,722
Halle Berry
and Pam Anderson
would be mud wrestling
415
00:18:07,754 --> 00:18:09,394
in Stamford?
416
00:18:09,822 --> 00:18:11,762
Hartford?
417
00:18:11,791 --> 00:18:14,391
Just forget it, Junior.
Just forget it.
418
00:18:14,427 --> 00:18:16,697
He's too clever
to be tricked anyway.
419
00:18:16,729 --> 00:18:19,669
It's time to bring in
some outside help.
420
00:18:19,699 --> 00:18:22,199
Outside help?
What do you mean?
421
00:18:22,235 --> 00:18:26,465
I mean the one person
who will annoy your father
right out of that bed.
422
00:18:27,640 --> 00:18:28,780
Ta-da!
423
00:18:30,610 --> 00:18:31,840
Dr. Thomas?
424
00:18:34,581 --> 00:18:38,291
Just call me Patch Adams
and I'll call you
The English Patient.
425
00:18:39,852 --> 00:18:41,792
I'll leave
you two alone.
426
00:18:43,790 --> 00:18:45,560
I feel so good.
427
00:18:45,592 --> 00:18:47,392
(SOBBING)
428
00:18:47,427 --> 00:18:48,627
What is wrong with you?
429
00:18:48,661 --> 00:18:52,671
Oh, that poor dear,
he is so misunderstood.
430
00:18:52,699 --> 00:18:55,569
He has worked so hard
and he has suffered
so much,
431
00:18:55,602 --> 00:18:57,402
my heart is full.
432
00:18:58,771 --> 00:19:01,641
That'll be $150 plus gas.
433
00:19:01,674 --> 00:19:04,584
Why I got that Hummer,
I will never know. Ta.
434
00:19:10,583 --> 00:19:13,423
(SNIFFING)
435
00:19:13,453 --> 00:19:15,293
Okay, Junior,
that's enough smoke.
436
00:19:15,322 --> 00:19:17,522
Okay, just go.
Hurry up.
437
00:19:17,557 --> 00:19:19,957
(SNIFFS) Fire. It's on fire.
I got to...
438
00:19:19,992 --> 00:19:22,262
The babies!
I got to get
the babies!
439
00:19:23,263 --> 00:19:24,633
Come on, babies.
440
00:19:26,999 --> 00:19:29,699
Hurry up! Fire!
There's a fire!
441
00:19:29,736 --> 00:19:31,666
ALL: Aha!
442
00:19:31,704 --> 00:19:33,244
No fire?
443
00:19:33,240 --> 00:19:35,410
No! There's only a liar.
444
00:19:35,442 --> 00:19:36,712
That's you, Daddy!
445
00:19:36,743 --> 00:19:37,943
(STAMMERING) Wait, wait.
I can explain, look...
446
00:19:37,977 --> 00:19:39,477
(EXCLAIMING)
447
00:19:42,315 --> 00:19:43,775
Ow!
448
00:19:45,518 --> 00:19:47,548
Ow!
449
00:19:49,556 --> 00:19:50,956
(GROANING)
450
00:19:50,990 --> 00:19:52,330
(SIGHS)
451
00:19:54,461 --> 00:19:57,931
Michael, are you
faking it again?
452
00:19:57,964 --> 00:20:00,674
Jay, why would I
be faking, huh?
453
00:20:02,635 --> 00:20:03,995
How do I know?
454
00:20:04,036 --> 00:20:05,706
You saw me
fall down the stairs.
455
00:20:05,738 --> 00:20:07,968
Why would I
fake that, hmm?
456
00:20:09,609 --> 00:20:11,609
Okay, maybe you're right.
457
00:20:11,644 --> 00:20:15,584
But I guess you wouldn't be
interested in fooling
around then, huh?
458
00:20:17,417 --> 00:20:19,517
You really
don't believe me,
do you?
459
00:20:19,552 --> 00:20:21,622
Just answer
the question, Michael.
460
00:20:21,654 --> 00:20:24,594
Can you endure the pain
and make me feel good?
461
00:20:24,624 --> 00:20:28,264
That is the offer
you made me yesterday,
isn't it?
462
00:20:28,295 --> 00:20:30,625
Well, this stiff neck
just got lower.
463
00:20:34,000 --> 00:20:36,370
Only if it will
make you feel better,
464
00:20:36,403 --> 00:20:38,003
I'm willing
to sacrifice.
465
00:20:38,037 --> 00:20:40,437
Okay, let's see how hurt
you really are.
466
00:20:40,473 --> 00:20:41,473
(EXCLAIMS)
467
00:20:42,509 --> 00:20:43,939
(MICHAEL GROANING)
(JAY KISSING)
468
00:20:43,976 --> 00:20:45,276
MICHAEL: Yeah,
do that again.
469
00:20:45,312 --> 00:20:46,452
JAY: Oh,
you like that, huh?
470
00:20:46,479 --> 00:20:47,949
Oh! That hurt!
471
00:20:47,980 --> 00:20:49,980
Ahhh! No...
No, don't... Don't...
472
00:20:52,819 --> 00:20:54,019
Are you
faking it again?
473
00:20:54,053 --> 00:20:56,023
Jay, why would I
fake it?
474
00:20:57,857 --> 00:20:59,027
What?
475
00:20:59,058 --> 00:21:01,058
I wouldn't get...
476
00:21:01,093 --> 00:21:03,333
Hi...
Yeah, master...
477
00:21:06,032 --> 00:21:08,542
Jay, why would I
be faking it, huh?
32252
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