All language subtitles for My.Wife.And.Kids.S02E23.WEBRip.x264-ION10

Hey, babe.
What's that?

Oh, these are
the instructions to
Kady's new jungle gym.

Oh, when are they
coming back
to put it together?

No. I'm gonna
put it together.

I repeat,
when are they coming back
to put it together?

Jay, that's an insult
to my mechanical abilities.

You're telling me
I can't put together
a simple child's toy.

Uh-oh.

Michael, there must be
a thousand pieces
to this thing.

To you,
it's a thousand pieces.

To me,
it's a challenge.

See, all I gotta do is
take this little piece here,

(WHOOSHING)
put that there.

Couple of screws.

(MIMICKING SCREWDRIVER)

Bing!

Kady's got a jungle gym
and we got
a lifetime of memories.

Remember the unicycle?

Yeah, I remember it was
supposed to be a tricycle.

She didn't need
all those extra wheels.

They were
just a crutch.

A crutch?
No, she needed a crutch

after she fell off
that damn unicycle.

You know what, baby?
Let the man
do the man stuff

and you do
something feminine.

Like open mail.

Yes, dear.
Yes.

Have you seen
this woman?

No.
Okay.

Uh-oh.

Here's something.
Junior's SAT scores
just came in.

All right,
let me get the whiskey.

Oh, come on, Michael,
don't prejudge the boy.

I mean,
you never know.

I know what a "D" is.

And I know "D"
don't stand for,
"Da smart one."

Are you ready?

Go ahead, I'm ready.
Hold on. Go ahead.

Oh, my God.
Oh, how bad?

How bad is it?

Baby, he got a 1600.
Huh? Oh.

Out of 10,000?
That ain't bad.

No. No, not bad.
Michael, he got
a 1600 out of 1600!

Our boy, he got a...
He got a perfect score.

You mean the boy

that get his penis
caught in the zipper
every other day,

got a perfect score?

Yes, Michael.

You mean
the same young man
that think

a scholarship
is a boatload of students,
got a perfect score?

Yes, Michael.

The same kid...
Okay. Michael.

Michael, we could
play this game
all night long,

but we're gonna
have to face the facts
that our son...

What?
...might be a...

I don't want
to hear it.
You go ahead.

Wait, let me
get it together.

Our son might
be a ge...

Yeah, take a sip of this.
He might be a ge...

A what?
What, a jean jacket maker?
What?

Genie...
What, a genie?

Yeah, that makes
more sense. What?

Our son might be a genius!
He might be
a genius, Michael!

(LAUGHING)

I'll be damned.

I've been wrong
about this boy
this whole time?

Oh, my God.

MICHAEL:
This is a family meeting.
It'll be over in a minute.

Now, I brought
you guys down here

for a very
special reason.

Junior, come here.

I didn't do it.

I don't know
what kind of trick this is,
but it wasn't my fault.

Hey, hey. Relax.

Com here.
Come over to Daddy.
Come here.

Come here, you.

Listen, I want you to
enjoy this moment

because it may
never happen again.

In front of everyone,
I'm offering an apology.

A public apology.

Well, it's about time.

For what?

For all these years
I have called you names
like boulder head,

dumb-dumb,
Lamont Sanford,

and the classic,
just plain old jackass.

When did
the apology start?

Right now.

See, because I said
all those names to you
for the past 17 years,

it's because I thought
you were,
well, a little slow.

But see, we have
written proof...

That's right.

...to the contraire.

(LAUGHS)

See, your SAT scores
came in.
You scored a 1600.

What, out of 10,000?
Not too shabby.

No, no, no.
1600 out of 1600.

Wow. That's like
97 or 98%.

You know, something
just clicked, baby.

This guy has
intellectual humor.

That's why
I've never laughed
at his jokes before.

It's that
highbrow stuff.

This is like stuff
you see on Frasier

that goes over
most people's heads.
Right.

He's got that humor.
This is little
Kelsey Grammer.

Wait a minute.
I've known this guy
for 16 years

and the smartest thing
he's ever said to me
was "Pull my finger."

That's because
your brother thinks

outside of the box.

Mmm-hmm.

See, that's true
of most geniuses.

JAY: Right.

I mean, Junior's probably
gonna end up at Penn State.

I'm not
going to jail.

(LAUGHING)

Penn State,
state pen, I get it.

I'm with you, Son.

The fact is, Junior
surprised us with some
really high test scores,

and we're
very proud of him.

And your father and I
want you all to start
thinking about your futures.

MICHAEL:
That's right.

Kady, what do you
see yourself doing
when you grow up?

Police-van lady.

I like that.
And you know what?

We're gonna start
by letting you be
the house monitor.

Can I get
gun and pepper spray?

No, but you're gonna
get a badge

and you're gonna
get a whistle.

And you're gonna
make up some laws,

and we're all gonna
have to follow them.

Deal.

And, Claire.
You're 16 now.

What do you see yourself
doing in the next
couple of years?

Shopping.

Okay. Like a buyer.
A buyer. Yeah.

A buyer for
a major clothing chain.

Something
like that, right?

No, that's work.

I just wanna shop for me,
but not spend my own money.

Oh, we call that
"gold digger."

(LAUGHS) Claire doing
manual labor? Never.

I get it!
Manual labor,
gold digging!

I can't believe I have son
who is actually a genius.

Well, we have
my family genes
to thank for that.

Your family genes?
That's right.

(LAUGHING)

Need I remind you

whose family is known
for its academic
and professional excellence?

Yeah, and what about
my family?

They're very
hard workers.

Jay, how is it
you always conveniently

pick out the few people
in your family
who are doing well

and then you act like
I come from
a tribe of nincompoops?

Okay, let's just
be real, okay.

My Uncle Earl
is a judge.

My Aunt Sheila
is a cardiologist.

My cousin Doug
is an engineer.

And what about
your Uncle Richard?

Leave him out
of this.

No, let's talk about--
he's part of the family.

That's not right.

We can go to the park
and talk to him.

So he's a little
down on his luck.

The man lives
in a tree.

He thinks he's
a parakeet.

He has an overactive
imagination. That's all!

And you mix that
with a little wine,
what do you got?

A drunk.

Freeze, suckers!

Mom, tell her to stop.

She's been
doing this all day.

She's driving
me crazy.

Okay, Officer Kady,
put your fingers away

and sit down
and have some
breakfast, please.

I've got a finger
for her.

Hey, hey, hey.

Here you go,
some cereal
loaded with sugar.

Just what a cop needs
to start their day.

Good morning,
la familia.

Oh, that's Spanish
for "The family."

Good morning, big head.
That's English for "Junior."

Here, let me
pour this for you.

I could do it myself.

No, let me pour it
for you.

Oh, man.

Kady, look at this mess.
Go get the dust pan, now.

Wait!
(STUTTERING) What happened?

This is not a mess.

No.
What?

If you look closely
at the formation
of the cereal,

you can see
three constellations.

You can why
he can see it?

Because the cereal
is outside of the box.

Yeah. Look.

There's stars.
MICHAEL: Yeah.

There's moons.

There's hearts and clovers
and little blue diamonds.

Little blue diamonds.

Hello,
they're Lucky Charms.

Maybe to you.

Doesn't anybody see
that this house
is not normal?

It's like I'm living
in two different movies.

There's Kindergarten Cop
and there's Rain Man.

I have a thought.
He's got a thought.

Let the boy speak.
(SHUSHING)

What is it, baby?

Without the hole
in the middle...

BOTH: Uh-huh.

...this donut
is just another
chocolate bun.

Hot damn!

I'll leave you all
to ponder that.

I'm sorry.

Baby, what are
you doing?

(SHUSHES)

I'm visualizing.

Visualizing what?

You know,
the same way

that Junior
can see the constellations
in the Lucky Charms?

Uh-huh.

I'm trying
to see the gym
in this jungle.

Why don't you
just use the directions?

Directions are for people
who don't know how
to think outside the box.

Not for people who
carry the genius trait.

Trait? Like in
sickle cell trait?

Exactly. See, I may
not have the gene,
but I got the trait.

And I passed that on
to Junior.

Oh, you did?
(MIMICKING GUNSHOT)
Yeah.

Just shot that
right into him.

And, you know,
it skips a generation.

See, it goes
gene, trait.

Gene, trait.
Gene, trait.
I'm trait.

Now, please just
leave me be.

Don't tempt me.

You know, Jay,
in 15 minutes,

when you come
back out here,

I'm gonna show you
a jungle gym that's
gonna blow your mind.

Kady Kyle,
meet the playorium.

It's the unicycle
all over again.

(SNIFFLES)

What is that
supposed to be?

It's my interpretation
of a jungle gym.

And what are all
these other pieces?

Oh, that's
the leftover stuff.

Leftovers?
Yeah.

Come on, when Michelangelo
painted the Sistine Chapel,

you think the Pope
looked up and said,

"Hey, that's great,
but what are you gonna do
with all this extra paint?"

I am not gonna
let my baby
play on that thing.

Look at it.
It's unsafe, Michael.

She'd be better off
playing in traffic.

Come on, baby,
this is the playorium.

No.

It's tested.
I tested this thing out.

It's weather proof.
No.

It's child proof.
Look, it can
even hold me.

I'll be at
the intersection
on my unicycle.

Fine.
You know what?

You want that
same jungle gym

that's on the box
like everybody else?

I'll call the guy,
and have him come out
and put it together.

But you know what?
You're spoiling
these kids, Jay,

with all that
safety stuff.

How're they ever gonna know
about a hematoma
if they never have one?

Look at
our son, huh?

He's in deep
contemplation.

Yeah, I wonder what
he's thinking about.

I don't know.
But whatever it is,
it's gotta be deep.

I mean, look at
the concentration
on that boy's face.

Yeah.

(FARTS)

That was disgusting.

No. He's probably
making room
for more ideas.

MAN ON TV: Welcome
to the Cartoony Hour.

Yeah! Cartoony Hour.

Hey, Son.

How's that wonderful
brain of yours?

It's good, Dad.
Just watching
some cartoons.

Yeah?

Hey.

Do you see
any hidden messages
in the Road Runner?

Sure. It's about
the pursuit of happiness.

The pursuit...
What?

That's interesting.
Why did you say that?

Because if the coyote
eats that bird,
he's gonna be happy.

Wow.

That is so brilliant.
I would've never
thought of that.

Brilliant.
Yeah. It is.

I wanna
write that down.

You do that, Son.

What the hell is
he doing to my window?
Do you see...

Hey, hey.
What?

Let him alone.

He's probably writing
some sort of incredible
scientific hypothesis.

Watch this.

Hey, Junior.
What are you drawing
over there, Son?

Oh, it's poopy man, Dad.

(PHONE RINGING)

I'll get it.

Hello?

Oh, yes, this is Mrs. Kyle,
Michael Junior's mother.

What kind of problem?

Are you sure?

(SIGHS) Okay.

Okay. Yeah.
Okay, his father and I
will tell him.

Thank you very much
for calling. Bye.

What happened?
What's wrong?

That was Junior's school.

Apparently, those perfect
SAT scores,
they didn't belong to Junior.

They belong to
a Michelle Kyle.

So, Junior didn't
get a 1600?

No.

What did he get?

A 200.

Wow. They give you 200
just for signing
your name right.

Actually,
it's 300 for signing
your name right.

He misspelled
"Junior."

What are we gonna do?

We have to tell him.

Well, according
to this SAT book,

people who score
200 or less

are suitable
for the following
occupations.

Shepherd,

shepherd's assistant,

or fish-scaler
on a fluke boat.

Michael,
will you be serious?

He may not have
gotten a 1600,

but he's got to be
bright in other ways.

Hello, good people.

I've just finished
perusing this copy
of Pisicology Today,

and it offered some
fascinating insights

into the differences
between nature and nurture.

Really?
Why don't you share
some of those insights?

Oh, okay.
Well, first of all,

did you know
that the words are
spelled differently?

I find that to be
pisicologically
fascinating.

Son, how do you feel
about sheep?

Hey, who don't like
saving money?

Sit down, Son,
we need to talk to you.

Sitting is for losers.

Those who score
1000 or lower
can afford to sit all day.

I prefer to stand.

You see, the blood,
or as I call it,
"The human soup,"

flows to my brain better
when I'm elevated.

Note to self.

Blood equals human soup
for the brain.

Poem title?

Perhaps.

Junior, we need to
talk to you about
your SAT scores.

The 1600?

Fascinating number,
isn't it?

I've been thinking
that one day

that number will be
incorporated

into my address
at the White House.

1600 Baltic Avenue.

You mean, Pennsylvania.

Yeah, in Pennsylvania,
obviously.

Junior. Junior, baby.

(EXHALES)

There was a mix up.

Oh, so you guys
aren't my real parents?

I expected as much.

Don't get me wrong.
You guys are bright,
but not 1600 bright.

Neither are you.

What do you mean?

Baby, we heard
from your school today,

and your SAT scores
were mistakenly mixed up
with another student's.

A Michelle Kyle.

Smarty-pants Kyle?

All right,
so what did I get?
A 1590?

Lower.

1580?

Lower.

Lower than 1580?

Lot lower.

So, what was it?

200.

200 points lower?

No, 200

total.

But they give you that
just for spelling
your name correctly.

Actually,
they give you 300

for signing
your name correctly.

There's no "Y"
in "Junior."

Oh, come on, baby.
Don't get down on yourself.

You may not be genius,
but hardly anyone is.

You're right.

I guess not everyone
can be an Albert Finestein.

Sir Fig Newton
either, huh?

Well, sure was nice
to be a genius for a day.

Move it, buster.

I can't play right now.
I'm too depressed.

Go be depressed
some place else.
This is loitering.

Kady, I'm serious.
Go away.

Hmm, let's see...

Eating chips in living room,
putting feet on furniture.
This isn't good.

So what are you gonna do?
Throw the book at me?

Yup.
Ow!

Get out of here.

Hey, hey, hey.
What's going on in here?

Junior won't
obey my laws.

That's 'cause
Junior's too dumb.

Kady, you wanna
go get a Happy Meal?

I already had lunch.

Yeah, but they're
giving away those
Cinderella Beanie Babies.

Let's go.

Hey, Son.
Mmm-hmm.

You know, Dad?

I'm thinking of
dropping out of school.

I'm just wasting my time
and your money.

First of all,
I don't ever
wanna hear you

talk about dropping
out of school again.

And the only waste of time
is you sitting here
feeling sorry for yourself.

Hey, I'm just
stating the facts.

Well, how about
stating some facts
that you didn't state?

Like, when you thought
you were smarter,
you actually acted smarter.

But the truth is,
I was just kidding myself.

I wasn't smarter,
which makes us all dumb.

(SIGHS)

I'm depressed.

Oh, great.
Two depressed teenagers
and I'm all out of whiskey.

What are you
upset about?

I got an "A"
on my psychology paper.

Oh, you see, Junior,
now here's somebody
with some real problems.

It could have
been a A+.

That would have
been really bad.

It would have made
you suicidal, huh?

I let Junior help me
with that paper.

I thought I could prove
that those SAT results
were bogus.

There's no way
my brother
could be a genius.

Now, if you'll
excuse me,

I have to go
beat myself to death
with a shoe.

Use a clog, honey.

So, you see,
you are smart.

Forget it, Dad.
You don't have to
try to cheer me up.

Look, Son, you have
a beautiful mind.

Yeah. Right.

I quit.

I'm turning in my badge.

But we need you out there.
You're all we got.

I mean,
you're a loose cannon

and you're out there
making up your own rules,

and I got to answer
to the mayor.

Without a gun,
I get no respect
around here.

You don't need a gun
to get respect.

Then a Taser?

You don't need
a Taser either.

Okay, then,
I want my jungle gym.
Is it ready yet?

I seem to have hit
a couple of kinks
in the operation.

What happened?

I threw away
the directions.

Geez, Louise,
am I the smartest one
in this family?

You may well be.

JUNIOR: Dad, Dad,
come here.

JAY: Yeah, Michael,
you gotta see this.

MICHAEL: What happened?
Look at this.

Oh, my God.
He did it!

Oh, my...
Junior, you did it!

Look at this.

(LAUGHING)

Whoa!

This is amazing.
Yes.

Son, step back
and see your work.

Okay.

Uh-oh.

I guess I made
a minor miscalculation.

Junior, it's okay.
You still did
a fantastic job.

Didn't he, Kady?
Yes.

Can we call Megs and
Melissa so we can
all play on it?

Yeah,
you can call them

and I'll call
the fire department.

Good job, Son.

MICHAEL: You know, Junior,
this is an accomplishment.

I tried do this
with all my might

and I couldn't
put it together.

I guess
I just got lucky.

You got lucky
like you got lucky

with your
sister's homework,
right?

I guess.

I think your
mother's right.

Maybe you do
have her genes.

I wondered why
they were so tight.

Not those jeans.
Her DNA genes.

I don't have any DNAs.
I've got some DKNYs.

Great work, Son.

Listen.

I want to keep
this jungle gym up

as a monument
to your talent.

Really?
Yeah.

You know, you can be
anything you wanna be.

Really?

Suppose I wanted be a bird?

Why not?
Your uncle Richard
thinks he's a parakeet.

You know, Son,
from now on,

I'm gonna encourage you
to be all that you can be.

I'm gonna help you
realize your potential.

Oh, thanks, Dad.

That really means a lot,
coming from you.

(THUNDER RUMBLING)
Uh-oh.

Sounds like rain.
This is metal.
You be careful.

I'm gonna go inside.

See, and it
skips a generation.

I figured it out.
It skips a generation.

That's why
I don't have it.
It goes gene, trait.

Gene, trait.
Gene, I'm trait.

You trait, all right.
You trait crazy.
That's what you are.

Trait crazy?

Trait crazy.
I was trying.

That was cute.

(LAUGHING)

You trait crazy.

You trait crazy.