Original subtitles

Hey, babe. What's that?

Oh, these are the instructions to Kady's new jungle gym.

Oh, when are they coming back to put it together?

No. I'm gonna put it together.

I repeat, when are they coming back to put it together?

Jay, that's an insult to my mechanical abilities.

You're telling me I can't put together a simple child's toy.

Uh-oh.

Michael, there must be a thousand pieces to this thing.

To you, it's a thousand pieces.

To me, it's a challenge.

See, all I gotta do is take this little piece here,

(WHOOSHING) put that there.

Couple of screws.

(MIMICKING SCREWDRIVER)

Bing!

Kady's got a jungle gym and we got a lifetime of memories.

Remember the unicycle?

Yeah, I remember it was supposed to be a tricycle.

She didn't need all those extra wheels.

They were just a crutch.

A crutch? No, she needed a crutch

after she fell off that damn unicycle.

You know what, baby? Let the man do the man stuff

and you do something feminine.

Like open mail.

Yes, dear. Yes.

Have you seen this woman?

No. Okay.

Uh-oh.

Here's something. Junior's SAT scores just came in.

All right, let me get the whiskey.

Oh, come on, Michael, don't prejudge the boy.

I mean, you never know.

I know what a "D" is.

And I know "D" don't stand for, "Da smart one."

Are you ready?

Go ahead, I'm ready. Hold on. Go ahead.

Oh, my God. Oh, how bad?

How bad is it?

Baby, he got a 1600. Huh? Oh.

Out of 10,000? That ain't bad.

No. No, not bad. Michael, he got a 1600 out of 1600!

Our boy, he got a... He got a perfect score.

You mean the boy

that get his penis caught in the zipper every other day,

got a perfect score?

Yes, Michael.

You mean the same young man that think

a scholarship is a boatload of students, got a perfect score?

Yes, Michael.

The same kid... Okay. Michael.

Michael, we could play this game all night long,

but we're gonna have to face the facts that our son...

What? ...might be a...

I don't want to hear it. You go ahead.

Wait, let me get it together.

Our son might be a ge...

Yeah, take a sip of this. He might be a ge...

A what? What, a jean jacket maker? What?

Genie... What, a genie?

Yeah, that makes more sense. What?

Our son might be a genius! He might be a genius, Michael!

(LAUGHING)

I'll be damned.

I've been wrong about this boy this whole time?

Oh, my God.

MICHAEL: This is a family meeting. It'll be over in a minute.

Now, I brought you guys down here

for a very special reason.

Junior, come here.

I didn't do it.

I don't know what kind of trick this is, but it wasn't my fault.

Hey, hey. Relax.

Com here. Come over to Daddy. Come here.

Come here, you.

Listen, I want you to enjoy this moment

because it may never happen again.

In front of everyone, I'm offering an apology.

A public apology.

Well, it's about time.

For what?

For all these years I have called you names like boulder head,

dumb-dumb, Lamont Sanford,

and the classic, just plain old jackass.

When did the apology start?

Right now.

See, because I said all those names to you for the past 17 years,

it's because I thought you were, well, a little slow.

But see, we have written proof...

That's right.

...to the contraire.

(LAUGHS)

See, your SAT scores came in. You scored a 1600.

What, out of 10,000? Not too shabby.

No, no, no. 1600 out of 1600.

Wow. That's like 97 or 98%.

You know, something just clicked, baby.

This guy has intellectual humor.

That's why I've never laughed at his jokes before.

It's that highbrow stuff.

This is like stuff you see on Frasier

that goes over most people's heads. Right.

He's got that humor. This is little Kelsey Grammer.

Wait a minute. I've known this guy for 16 years

and the smartest thing he's ever said to me was "Pull my finger."

That's because your brother thinks

outside of the box.

Mmm-hmm.

See, that's true of most geniuses.

JAY: Right.

I mean, Junior's probably gonna end up at Penn State.

I'm not going to jail.

(LAUGHING)

Penn State, state pen, I get it.

I'm with you, Son.

The fact is, Junior surprised us with some really high test scores,

and we're very proud of him.

And your father and I want you all to start thinking about your futures.

MICHAEL: That's right.

Kady, what do you see yourself doing when you grow up?

Police-van lady.

I like that. And you know what?

We're gonna start by letting you be the house monitor.

Can I get gun and pepper spray?

No, but you're gonna get a badge

and you're gonna get a whistle.

And you're gonna make up some laws,

and we're all gonna have to follow them.

Deal.

And, Claire. You're 16 now.

What do you see yourself doing in the next couple of years?

Shopping.

Okay. Like a buyer. A buyer. Yeah.

A buyer for a major clothing chain.

Something like that, right?

No, that's work.

I just wanna shop for me, but not spend my own money.

Oh, we call that "gold digger."

(LAUGHS) Claire doing manual labor? Never.

I get it! Manual labor, gold digging!

I can't believe I have son who is actually a genius.

Well, we have my family genes to thank for that.

Your family genes? That's right.

(LAUGHING)

Need I remind you

whose family is known for its academic and professional excellence?

Yeah, and what about my family?

They're very hard workers.

Jay, how is it you always conveniently

pick out the few people in your family who are doing well

and then you act like I come from a tribe of nincompoops?

Okay, let's just be real, okay.

My Uncle Earl is a judge.

My Aunt Sheila is a cardiologist.

My cousin Doug is an engineer.

And what about your Uncle Richard?

Leave him out of this.

No, let's talk about-- he's part of the family.

That's not right.

We can go to the park and talk to him.

So he's a little down on his luck.

The man lives in a tree.

He thinks he's a parakeet.

He has an overactive imagination. That's all!

And you mix that with a little wine, what do you got?

A drunk.

Freeze, suckers!

Mom, tell her to stop.

She's been doing this all day.

She's driving me crazy.

Okay, Officer Kady, put your fingers away

and sit down and have some breakfast, please.

I've got a finger for her.

Hey, hey, hey.

Here you go, some cereal loaded with sugar.

Just what a cop needs to start their day.

Good morning, la familia.

Oh, that's Spanish for "The family."

Good morning, big head. That's English for "Junior."

Here, let me pour this for you.

I could do it myself.

No, let me pour it for you.

Oh, man.

Kady, look at this mess. Go get the dust pan, now.

Wait! (STUTTERING) What happened?

This is not a mess.

No. What?

If you look closely at the formation of the cereal,

you can see three constellations.

You can why he can see it?

Because the cereal is outside of the box.

Yeah. Look.

There's stars. MICHAEL: Yeah.

There's moons.

There's hearts and clovers and little blue diamonds.

Little blue diamonds.

Hello, they're Lucky Charms.

Maybe to you.

Doesn't anybody see that this house is not normal?

It's like I'm living in two different movies.

There's Kindergarten Cop and there's Rain Man.

I have a thought. He's got a thought.

Let the boy speak. (SHUSHING)

What is it, baby?

Without the hole in the middle...

BOTH: Uh-huh.

...this donut is just another chocolate bun.

Hot damn!

I'll leave you all to ponder that.

I'm sorry.

Baby, what are you doing?

(SHUSHES)

I'm visualizing.

Visualizing what?

You know, the same way

that Junior can see the constellations in the Lucky Charms?

Uh-huh.

I'm trying to see the gym in this jungle.

Why don't you just use the directions?

Directions are for people who don't know how to think outside the box.

Not for people who carry the genius trait.

Trait? Like in sickle cell trait?

Exactly. See, I may not have the gene, but I got the trait.

And I passed that on to Junior.

Oh, you did? (MIMICKING GUNSHOT) Yeah.

Just shot that right into him.

And, you know, it skips a generation.

See, it goes gene, trait.

Gene, trait. Gene, trait. I'm trait.

Now, please just leave me be.

Don't tempt me.

You know, Jay, in 15 minutes,

when you come back out here,

I'm gonna show you a jungle gym that's gonna blow your mind.

Kady Kyle, meet the playorium.

It's the unicycle all over again.

(SNIFFLES)

What is that supposed to be?

It's my interpretation of a jungle gym.

And what are all these other pieces?

Oh, that's the leftover stuff.

Leftovers? Yeah.

Come on, when Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel,

you think the Pope looked up and said,

"Hey, that's great, but what are you gonna do with all this extra paint?"

I am not gonna let my baby play on that thing.

Look at it. It's unsafe, Michael.

She'd be better off playing in traffic.

Come on, baby, this is the playorium.

No.

It's tested. I tested this thing out.

It's weather proof. No.

It's child proof. Look, it can even hold me.

I'll be at the intersection on my unicycle.

Fine. You know what?

You want that same jungle gym

that's on the box like everybody else?

I'll call the guy, and have him come out and put it together.

But you know what? You're spoiling these kids, Jay,

with all that safety stuff.

How're they ever gonna know about a hematoma if they never have one?

Look at our son, huh?

He's in deep contemplation.

Yeah, I wonder what he's thinking about.

I don't know. But whatever it is, it's gotta be deep.

I mean, look at the concentration on that boy's face.

Yeah.

(FARTS)

That was disgusting.

No. He's probably making room for more ideas.

MAN ON TV: Welcome to the Cartoony Hour.

Yeah! Cartoony Hour.

Hey, Son.

How's that wonderful brain of yours?

It's good, Dad. Just watching some cartoons.

Yeah?

Hey.

Do you see any hidden messages in the Road Runner?

Sure. It's about the pursuit of happiness.

The pursuit... What?

That's interesting. Why did you say that?

Because if the coyote eats that bird, he's gonna be happy.

Wow.

That is so brilliant. I would've never thought of that.

Brilliant. Yeah. It is.

I wanna write that down.

You do that, Son.

What the hell is he doing to my window? Do you see...

Hey, hey. What?

Let him alone.

He's probably writing some sort of incredible scientific hypothesis.

Watch this.

Hey, Junior. What are you drawing over there, Son?

Oh, it's poopy man, Dad.

(PHONE RINGING)

I'll get it.

Hello?

Oh, yes, this is Mrs. Kyle, Michael Junior's mother.

What kind of problem?

Are you sure?

(SIGHS) Okay.

Okay. Yeah. Okay, his father and I will tell him.

Thank you very much for calling. Bye.

What happened? What's wrong?

That was Junior's school.

Apparently, those perfect SAT scores, they didn't belong to Junior.

They belong to a Michelle Kyle.

So, Junior didn't get a 1600?

No.

What did he get?

A 200.

Wow. They give you 200 just for signing your name right.

Actually, it's 300 for signing your name right.

He misspelled "Junior."

What are we gonna do?

We have to tell him.

Well, according to this SAT book,

people who score 200 or less

are suitable for the following occupations.

Shepherd,

shepherd's assistant,

or fish-scaler on a fluke boat.

Michael, will you be serious?

He may not have gotten a 1600,

but he's got to be bright in other ways.

Hello, good people.

I've just finished perusing this copy of Pisicology Today,

and it offered some fascinating insights

into the differences between nature and nurture.

Really? Why don't you share some of those insights?

Oh, okay. Well, first of all,

did you know that the words are spelled differently?

I find that to be pisicologically fascinating.

Son, how do you feel about sheep?

Hey, who don't like saving money?

Sit down, Son, we need to talk to you.

Sitting is for losers.

Those who score 1000 or lower can afford to sit all day.

I prefer to stand.

You see, the blood, or as I call it, "The human soup,"

flows to my brain better when I'm elevated.

Note to self.

Blood equals human soup for the brain.

Poem title?

Perhaps.

Junior, we need to talk to you about your SAT scores.

The 1600?

Fascinating number, isn't it?

I've been thinking that one day

that number will be incorporated

into my address at the White House.

1600 Baltic Avenue.

You mean, Pennsylvania.

Yeah, in Pennsylvania, obviously.

Junior. Junior, baby.

(EXHALES)

There was a mix up.

Oh, so you guys aren't my real parents?

I expected as much.

Don't get me wrong. You guys are bright, but not 1600 bright.

Neither are you.

What do you mean?

Baby, we heard from your school today,

and your SAT scores were mistakenly mixed up with another student's.

A Michelle Kyle.

Smarty-pants Kyle?

All right, so what did I get? A 1590?

Lower.

1580?

Lower.

Lower than 1580?

Lot lower.

So, what was it?

200.

200 points lower?

No, 200

total.

But they give you that just for spelling your name correctly.

Actually, they give you 300

for signing your name correctly.

There's no "Y" in "Junior."

Oh, come on, baby. Don't get down on yourself.

You may not be genius, but hardly anyone is.

You're right.

I guess not everyone can be an Albert Finestein.

Sir Fig Newton either, huh?

Well, sure was nice to be a genius for a day.

Move it, buster.

I can't play right now. I'm too depressed.

Go be depressed some place else. This is loitering.

Kady, I'm serious. Go away.

Hmm, let's see...

Eating chips in living room, putting feet on furniture. This isn't good.

So what are you gonna do? Throw the book at me?

Yup. Ow!

Get out of here.

Hey, hey, hey. What's going on in here?

Junior won't obey my laws.

That's 'cause Junior's too dumb.

Kady, you wanna go get a Happy Meal?

I already had lunch.

Yeah, but they're giving away those Cinderella Beanie Babies.

Let's go.

Hey, Son. Mmm-hmm.

You know, Dad?

I'm thinking of dropping out of school.

I'm just wasting my time and your money.

First of all, I don't ever wanna hear you

talk about dropping out of school again.

And the only waste of time is you sitting here feeling sorry for yourself.

Hey, I'm just stating the facts.

Well, how about stating some facts that you didn't state?

Like, when you thought you were smarter, you actually acted smarter.

But the truth is, I was just kidding myself.

I wasn't smarter, which makes us all dumb.

(SIGHS)

I'm depressed.

Oh, great. Two depressed teenagers and I'm all out of whiskey.

What are you upset about?

I got an "A" on my psychology paper.

Oh, you see, Junior, now here's somebody with some real problems.

It could have been a A+.

That would have been really bad.

It would have made you suicidal, huh?

I let Junior help me with that paper.

I thought I could prove that those SAT results were bogus.

There's no way my brother could be a genius.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have to go beat myself to death with a shoe.

Use a clog, honey.

So, you see, you are smart.

Forget it, Dad. You don't have to try to cheer me up.

Look, Son, you have a beautiful mind.

Yeah. Right.

I quit.

I'm turning in my badge.

But we need you out there. You're all we got.

I mean, you're a loose cannon

and you're out there making up your own rules,

and I got to answer to the mayor.

Without a gun, I get no respect around here.

You don't need a gun to get respect.

Then a Taser?

You don't need a Taser either.

Okay, then, I want my jungle gym. Is it ready yet?

I seem to have hit a couple of kinks in the operation.

What happened?

I threw away the directions.

Geez, Louise, am I the smartest one in this family?

You may well be.

JUNIOR: Dad, Dad, come here.

JAY: Yeah, Michael, you gotta see this.

MICHAEL: What happened? Look at this.

Oh, my God. He did it!

Oh, my... Junior, you did it!

Look at this.

(LAUGHING)

Whoa!

This is amazing. Yes.

Son, step back and see your work.

Okay.

Uh-oh.

I guess I made a minor miscalculation.

Junior, it's okay. You still did a fantastic job.

Didn't he, Kady? Yes.

Can we call Megs and Melissa so we can all play on it?

Yeah, you can call them

and I'll call the fire department.

Good job, Son.

MICHAEL: You know, Junior, this is an accomplishment.

I tried do this with all my might

and I couldn't put it together.

I guess I just got lucky.

You got lucky like you got lucky

with your sister's homework, right?

I guess.

I think your mother's right.

Maybe you do have her genes.

I wondered why they were so tight.

Not those jeans. Her DNA genes.

I don't have any DNAs. I've got some DKNYs.

Great work, Son.

Listen.

I want to keep this jungle gym up

as a monument to your talent.

Really? Yeah.

You know, you can be anything you wanna be.

Really?

Suppose I wanted be a bird?

Why not? Your uncle Richard thinks he's a parakeet.

You know, Son, from now on,

I'm gonna encourage you to be all that you can be.

I'm gonna help you realize your potential.

Oh, thanks, Dad.

That really means a lot, coming from you.

(THUNDER RUMBLING) Uh-oh.

Sounds like rain. This is metal. You be careful.

I'm gonna go inside.

See, and it skips a generation.

I figured it out. It skips a generation.

That's why I don't have it. It goes gene, trait.

Gene, trait. Gene, I'm trait.

You trait, all right. You trait crazy. That's what you are.

Trait crazy?

Trait crazy. I was trying.

That was cute.

(LAUGHING)

You trait crazy.

You trait crazy.